#just thinking about ... vaguely metaphorical approaches to representation

[anghraine]

There's something percolating in my head about how sometimes the scenarios and characters we relate to the most are the ones that don't explicitly identify what they're doing in the terms of how we relate to them. Sometimes there are even specific indications that it's not that thing and yet we can still find it there and find it powerful. Sometimes that can feel more affecting and intense than the better representation out there (and not necessarily just better in a purity culture sense).

And I do think it's important not to give credit where it's not actually due, and not to insist on this kind of stuff as a replacement for actual representation. But I also think it's important to ... idk, allow space for the fuzzier depictions that speak really powerfully to some of us.

(I know this is vague! As I said, it's percolating.)

#just thinking about ... vaguely metaphorical approaches to representation #which is really bad when it's all there is #but sometimes ambiguous or metaphorical representation speaks more powerfully to me than a literal depiction of it #like... if the only autistic representation is ambiguous/coded or robots or whatever that's. not good. #but do i want a media landscape in which it's all literal and clear and devoid of ambiguously autistic-coded robots? no #i was thinking of this because of a d&d metaphorical autism thing but also the perennial darcy question #where 'good autistic representation' never speaks to me quite as much as this character invented in 1796 #whose characterization is complicated and (clearly) easy to interpret in very different ways than i do #and also thinking about my debates with a friend about miranda in mass effect #i know she's straight by game mechanics but to me the wlw energy is so strong #i'm not going to say that's queer representation lol but i still have queer feelings about it #anghraine babbles #general fanwank #a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide #rare breed of attack unicorn #etc

[space-blue]

so glad im not alone about ekko. i love the guy and he's got the biggest heart out of everyone, but his approach to the situation feels very oversimplifying the situation and short term solution. shimmer is zaun's best commodity and probably even the only thing the city has that gives it a standing chance at economical indepence from its oppressing city and thus its best shot at independence at all. ekko should surely know this and instead of eradicating shimmer he should think of getting rid of silco's position of power and manage the shimmer business, maybe perfect the product so its not harmful or maximize medicinal potential etc etc. like he is a genius, its within his capabilities!

its so weird bcs this would have been a perfect metaphorical tidbit with his relationship with jinx. ekko is strongly hinted to be the first to accept both sides of jinx and to see that shimmer doesn't make the person a monster... so why not have that reflect in his perception of shimmer towards all zaunists overall? that shimmer isnt the monster, but how it is managed. its just like heimerdinger's words about hextech too ["I've seen this power in the wrong hands. It corrupts, consumes, lays waste to civilizations"]. the show could come full circle with this.

instead they chose ekko to have a white/black perception of shimmer. its understandable but also a waste, unless they plan to possibly change this and this is all actually in the process of ekko to one day re-evaluate his view of shimmer in s2

About shimmer being the best commodity : I would understand Ekko better if shimmer was just a drug that malforms you... But sadly shimmer is shown as :

1/ A cool party drugs that didn't really affect people in the years they've used it (Silco's gang) 2/ A fantastic mechanical fuel that also gives you a physical boost without known drawbacks 3/ A miraculous drug, where 2 drops mixed in other products can heal a massive gut wound in minutes

It's literally the philosopher's stone of Zaunite inventions, and double sadly the show decides to 'tell' us about the damage shimmer did. The 5 people living in the little slum outside the dispenser are by no means a good representation. In a way Heimer's walk to the Undercity was more impactful, but none of the violence and poverty if showed could be construed as a 'new thing' that wasn't also there under Vander and even before that.

The show's desire to 'keep it vague' also means it undercuts Ekko's position.

OR the show could go for that slightly more childish mentality, that Silco dead and his operation stopped will make everything go away and be better, and actually SHOW THIS to be a slightly deluded fantasy coming from an isolated community made primarily of dreaming teens. Good intentions and dreams but flawed foundation. This could even be understanding he'd GROW alongside his relationship with Heimerdinger! He may not be wise to current politics, but he understands how the world works, and sees things in the longer term (while Ekko doesn't).

But no, the show just goes : aren't they good? They're the proof there are good Zaunites who love trees and fresh air.

And you're right about Jinx. You could have a more mature Ekko who has come to realise the power of shimmer, but also thinks it's a tool in the hands of the wrong man, and that Silco doesn't fight honestly for Zaun (insert grudges and reasons here, one of which could be that he's running Zaun as a business instead of a community, that he's allying with any criminal so long as he expends his union and power, that he's ready to kill any number of people to get to that goal, as he killed Vander...) He could clearly resent Jinx for staying allied to Silco, when she should know better and he killed Vander, but Jinx is emotionally invested in Silco and can't afford to lose him or the support he provides, emotionally and financially, and she's a cruel girl in the show... I don't think she'd care for people suffering due to shimmer. Jinx has a strong flavour of believing that the strong should rule, and that's why she's so hung up on being stronger than her sister, and stronger by any means necessary. She sees the world in victims and bullies, and fully intends to be established as a bully.

Ekko could grow! I'm curious to see where he goes. It's just a shame that the show doesn't treat him as such. I hope they don't waste his character by pigeonholing him into the 'kool sk8ter kid who's kinda smart when convenient'. That would be truly sad.

#ekko #arcane #meta #anon ask #sorry for the long waiiiittt #ekko arcane #good ask

[nissakii]

Significance of “Madness” in anime

We’ve already established in other posts about significant emotions and concepts in anime or specific media before. The Significance of losing or the one of visuals and metaphors in Haikyuu!! are some of those I would love to mention here, but today we shall delve into a broader topic that goes more along the lines of Makii’s thrilling post about Danganronpa and the Significance of Despair.

Today, our topic of interest is madness.

To ease your mind, in this post we will be talking about the representation of insanity and madness in some anime characters and how that reflects on the story and ourselves as an audience.To make one thing clear, a lot of the times we see overexaggerated versions of unstable characteristics in anime that aren’t realistic.

This is in no way a discussion about actual mental illnesses and not a professional approach to analysing them to our real life standards, but maybe a start to an interesting discussion about how we portray and handle what one may colloquially call “craziness”.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s start!

Artists, and no matter for example if they write or draw, use their platforms to deliver messages in cryptic ways. As humans, we have the innate ability to look at something and consume the facts through entertainment which makes us crave new media to follow and analyse.

We love to question things instead of just taking them as they are, and that is why most writers out there will play around with the perception of their audience.

You may be familiar with the common question that ghosts through your head as you enjoy the latest episode of your favorite anime.

Why did he do that? Is she a traitor? What makes them think that way?

Although one might always do it consciously, we most definitely analyse whatever media we consume and decide for ourselves if it is important enough to keep in mind for future reference.

What the writer or founder of the anime ultimately wants from the reader is a reaction.

No matter what they intend to do with it, if they enjoy the viewer getting excited or traumatised is not of importance, but a reaction is evidently one of the goals. 

And as strong emotions always evoke an even stronger reaction, anime characters are often very idealized and have ideologies that make them want to do one particular thing.

Be it save the world or destroy it, we focus and look at these characters and root for them if they give us a reason to do so. 

Both sides of good and bad can have deeply rooted admiration drawn out of us, and it sometimes doesn’t even matter because the more interesting part is the lovely grey area in between. 

We need a balance of good and bad to enjoy both.

Empathy makes us viewers want to relate to the characters, and if the author gives us the possibility to learn why someone does something, it gets harder and harder to dislike them. That’s why tragic backstories and flashbacks are such an overused tool in anime, because with the extreme behaviour some characters show they also need equal amounts of redemption.

We attach ourselves emotionally to characters depending on our personal tastes as well.

If someone likes and relates to a strong and independent protagonist who would drop anything for the sake of justice, you will find a lot of resembling characters in shounen for example.

On the other hand, if a darker or more obsessive character manages to take over a special place in a viewer’s heart, putting them on a pedestal gets more and more interesting, because you’re not supposed to.

Contrary to that, characters with insane or dark personality traits are often very popular, again tracing this back to human instinct of emphasising with wronged characters and curiously inspecting the fully deranged ones.

As this isn't something that should be put into vague concepts, we’re instead going to look at examples of characters and entities that are seen as ‘mad’ and how they’re interpreted.

It’s not just about villains being unreasonably immoral in this post, as we look into what madness entails and how it's shown, we also have some examples of corruption to look at.

So of course there are the typical evil-thinking evil-doing villains out there. 

Some of them have an actual backstory to make them more realistic and believable, some others are just pure evil. While they are often called mad for their actions to achieve their goal, the reason why they are put into that light is the stark contrast between the protagonist and the villain.

If the protagonist loves to save people and always has a smile on his face, of course he will differ from his counterpart when he finds out that his methods are a bit more vicious.

The protagonist perceives the villain as insane most of the time, but what does the viewer think?

We seek to look not only at characters that are enjoyable to watch, but also try to find similarities between us and them or draw lines in their behavior to understand them better. As mentioned before, empathy plays a huge role here as well, since whatever happens in anime doesn't have actual repercussions, we can forgive characters more easily. 

For example when they are taken by Insanity as a side effect rather than being insane due to trauma, we often get an 'ally turned traitor' trope through hypnosis or brainwashing, which is just as interesting to look at. 

If a person did something horrible under the influence of something they had no control over, are they still to blame? 

Does Insanity only involve a separate entity that comes from evil, or are we also looking at the gradual descent into darkness when life just isn't the same anymore? 

Insane and with no fear: Soul Eater

A great example of how insanity plays with characters be they good or bad is Soul Eater. 

With a premise that one needs a sound mind and body to inhibit a sound soul, we obviously know that people close to becoming Kishin-eggs will have a rotten soul drenched in bad deeds, but what about the good guys? 

In this instance we have a lot of different types of madness and insanity that touches multiple characters at different times, and by far the most drastic would be the black blood. 

The black blood being a synthesized weapon form of blood that can change form and harden into shape, is a weapon made by Medusa and introduced for the first time with Crona. He was melded together with Ragnarök as a weapon and used the black blood in his proficient fighting style. 

Soul Eater as well as Maka and other characters later come into contact with the black blood, and the consequence of the immense strength that comes with it is debilitating madness. 

As explained in the anime, the madness makes one deny the soul of oneself and others and takes away your fear. Now with no fear present, the person exhibits extremely erratic behavior and is not scared to hurt others or themselves.

This is an insanity that shows how essential a person's fear is, shown by Maka in one of the latest episodes when she fights Asura. The fact that she learned how to accept her own fear and realise that humans need it to survive is why insanity in Soul Eater is merely a concept to differentiate between what is human and what is Kishin. 

A Kishin kills and murders with no fear of anything. 

A human protects and masters one's own fear. 

The power hungry insanity: Hunter x Hunter

In Hunter x Hunter we have a lot of characters that don't exactly fit the norm of human action. 

With people like Chrollo, Illumi and even Chimera Ants there is enough crazy to go around. 

Still, the character we shall delve into to look at a different kind of instability is none other than Hisoka Morow.

Yes, in comparison to black blood madness Hisoka is an actual human being with no known influence outside of his own intellect. The contrary to another weapon or entity making someone insane is being shown in this anime.

Hisoka is just insane. 

We have no means to see if there is anything that might have caused Hisoka to be the way that he is, but what we do know is that his character is almost too nonchalant for his own good. 

His goal is to accumulate power and fight others that he seems worthy, as that is what attracts him. No person is spared if he believes he found a worthy opponent he will make that clear to them and pursue them passionately. 

We could rule that the clown is just eccentric, but with the given information from the anime he definitely had some sort of mental difference next to his peers. Harming himself holds no problem to him, and his behavior is deeply rooted only to suit himself. He has no self-preservation except for when he needs to accomplish something, and he even enters the spiders just to get close to Chrollo. 

Now we see a single person carry themselves throughout a story only to achieve one thing: a good fight. 

After having looked at these two examples of insanity in anime, let's look at how that insanity can be portrayed visually. 

A famous way to show someone's psychosis is the “Kubrick stare”. A directorial technique that got named after the director Stanley Kubrick who used a forward tilt of the head with eyes locked onto the camera to show the actors of his movies at their peak of madness. It became a very popular stylistic device and is used still very often in modern movies.

The character is supposed to look menacing, evil-plotting and absolutely unhinged.

Such devices, if used often enough, automatically invoke the message to the viewer.

If you’ve seen the Kubrick stare once in a psychotic character, you will definitely associate it with the same derangement again.

In anime we have a similar thing, and you might be aware of this already.

Familiar with the ‘eye angle just before a character goes insane’ meme?

It’s a running gag that shows multiple characters such as Asura from Soul Eater, Pain from Naruto, Light from Deathnote and Jason from Tokyo Ghoul in a frame where you can only see their eyes and it somehow looks extremely grotesque as if they were looking into different directions with their eyes.

As much as it is a joke, it is a perfect example of something extremely similar to the Kubrick stare used in anime culture. It goes so far that if any anime watcher would see a new character look like in a frame, one would assume they were about to go crazy.

Even Oikawa Tooru from Haikyuu!! was shown with a Kubrick stare in the last moments of the second Seijoh vs. Karasuno game, when his desire to win overtook him with incredible force.

Without loss there naturally can’t be any wins, and without sadness there will be no joy in laughter.

We need the different depictions of what one might call madness, to fill our stories with nuance that relies on our reality.

Be it an unknown entity, hunger for power, lack of fear or the good old fashioned thrive for world domination.

Madness is just another part of what we call life, and to be honest in healthy doses and for effect why not enjoy it in anime?

Now, do you guys know any other characters or concepts in anime that would be worth mentioning? I would love to see them in the comments! 

Until then, stay sane!

-Nissa

#nissakii #anime #manga #madness #insane #insanity #psychosis #mental illness #soul eater #maka #crona #medusa #asura #hxh #hunter x hunter #hisoka #chrollo #significance of madness in anime #crazy #kubrick stare

[bestworstcase]

A while back you mentioned how Cathay is revered as a protector of the dead, could you give us any more details about how the notion of an afterlife is approached within the various Bitter Snow religions? (especially curious on how understandings about death/afterlife within the Saporian Ternary intersects with the ritualistic necromancy aspect of Cathay's cult)

so in the… functional sense, i think the way death and afterlifes work in the bitter snow universe is that the souls of the dead pass into the care of whatever deity has the strongest claim on them, and what happens after that is dependent on the tenets of contracts or decisions made by the deity in question. so in a sense, your beliefs while you’re alive shape what happens to you after you die. (and i figure souls that are unaffiliated / unclaimed tend to just kinda. decay, disperse, and get recycled in a manner similar to the physical cycle of decomposition and renewal; ghosts occur when a soul is anchored in the physical plane somehow, whether by religious practices or simply having a strong enough will to endure without the vessel of a physical body, ie the “unfinished business” case.)

anyway.

within the ternary, things get a bit complicated because you have three different patrons all of whom technically have an afterlife option; and the one thing you absolutely want to avoid is having multiple deities squabbling over custody of your soul once you die. i think there are probably layers and layers of rules and religious traditions that at their core exist to prevent divine custody battles. especially between zhan tiri and cathay, who (a) hate each other and (b) have domains that overlap because cathay’s dominion is over the dead while part of zhan tiri’s sphere is death.

so.

actually wait let me zoom out a little and say first: broadly speaking, what unites the faiths of the ternary into a single religion is pursuit of a philosophical concept called choimghē, which is… mingling of the profane/mundane and sublime/divine. the word itself literally means “cusp” or “threshold,” and the philosophical idea here is that there is this irreconcilable tension between the profane and the sublime; both exist in a perpetual state of fascination/repulsion with each other; to achieve choimghē is to achieve balance between the two, resolving the fascinated/repulsed tension into peaceful coexistence. the three cults of the ternary are all founded upon this concept, but they pursue it in different ways: cathay’s cult through a repudiation of things anchoring a person to the profane in order to make room for the sublime, char malách’s through creation and spirituality that seeks to bring the profane closer to the sublime, and zhan tiri’s through this almost symbiotic relationship between the profane and the sublime where the end goal is to converge the two into a new blended whole. and of course, since the average religious saporian keeps the tenets of all three cults to some degree, you get blended versions of this philosophy also.

& the point of that digression is to say that the way the cults, and the ternary overall, conceptualize death is as the moment when true choimghē becomes possible. your soul is freed from its profane/mortal/physical body and can now achieve full communion or harmony with the sublime/divine. and as i said, there are three options for this:

cathay. in… a sense, cathay is the dead. she is said to rule over the realm of the dead, but this is also typically understood to be metaphorical rather than literal: there is no “realm” where the dead live after death, there is just cathay, and when she claims your soul after you die you become a part of cathay too; your individual existence is the final tether anchoring you to the profane and in the moment of death you shed that and find perfect union with the sublime, in the form of cathay. this overlaps with her role as a protector of the dead; she gives them peace, and rest, and solace from whatever suffering they may have endured in life, while also preserving them for eternity, and she does that by making them a part of herself.

the ritualistic necromancy practiced by her cult is actually quite removed from this, because a clear dividing line is drawn between “the dead” and “the bodies the dead leave behind.” there’s no… real cultural concept in saporia of desecrating a corpse, except insofar as the corpse may be regarded as a shrine to a god. (by a similar token i think saporians find burial practices that focus on the body as a representation of the dead person rather distasteful: why are you using this slab of meat and bones as an icon of the deceased.) so the use of animated bodies by cathay’s cult is for the edification of cathay herself (…and by extension all the dead who joined her…) and is seen as having nothing whatsoever to do with the person to whom that body once belonged. they have vacated the premises. the body isn’t them.

anyway, second option: char malách. i think of the gods of the ternary his “afterlife” is the most nebulous, because he isn’t especially interesting in collecting souls or incorporating them into his being but he does respect the arrangements between himself and his disciples so he’ll accept them if they’re offered; and i think what he would tend to do with them is weave them into something new. it isn’t reincarnation per se, it’s more… as if the souls of the dead are clay he shapes into new forms that please him; into metal ores or stars or fires or gemstones or whatever strikes his fancy. you get woven into the fabric of the universe. there is some overlap here with the cathay option where you’re shedding your individuality to become part of a collective, but the key difference is that rather than becoming part of the sublime/divine you are instead contributing to the lifting of the profane into the level of the sublime. i think in general this is the rarest path for people to take, because the uncertainty of precisely what will happen to you is frightening, and for close adherents of char malách there isn’t really a downside to going to cathay when you die, because one of the key tenets of the cult is that the destruction and disaster she embodies are just as cherished and valuable a facet of the cosmos as any other.

and third option: zhan tiri. i think hers is unique in that it is available only to those who dedicate themselves to her above the rest of the ternary; casual adherents of her cult who also participate in the practices of the other two tend to go to cathay, or occasionally to char malách, because zhan tiri simply is not interested in keeping you around if you don’t put her first. and it’s also a little unique in that her form of afterlife features a continual cycle of reincarnation, into trees or her huge assortment of sacred animals or on occasion when she feels like it into a human again. or for her hand-picked favorites there is also the scion option, which is like… soul-grafting; her scions are basically human souls anchored into new physical vessels formed from her. anything she can do, they can do on a smaller scale. it’s considered an immense honor for her to even offer.

and there is some tension between cathay’s cult and zhan tiri’s on the matter of burial practices, because zhan tiri’s cult has a set of traditions that involve the preparation and burial of corpses in places sacred to zhan tiri—again, for the edification of zhan tiri rather than for the dead, who are memorialized in other ways—and so there’s this long-standing grudge based on the “bodies should be interred in barrows and available for necromancy to pay respects to cathay” vs “bodies should be buried in forests or bogs so they can decompose and rejuvenate the soil to pay respects to zhan tiri” argument. also, when zhan tiri is feeling especially petty, she is absolutely not above poaching cathay’s wights and filling them with plants and letting them rot until they fall apart. church-sanctioned graverobbing.

ANYWAY.

coronans find all of this to be exceptionally disturbing. almost every form of traditional saporian burial or death ritual involves what coronans perceive as arbitrary mutilation of the corpse, and the concept of choimghē that underlies all saporian beliefs about death and the afterlife flies directly in the face of the coronan cultural view that magic (ie what saporians refer to as the sublime) and humanity (is the profane) are not ever meant to touch and that pursuit of magic or consorting with magical beings is never desirable.

i think coronans, esp religious ones, tend to conceptualize an afterlife that is a real, physical place beyond the western horizon, in the sun, or among the stars. the funeral barge tradition of sailing pyres into the sunset is a symbolic sending off of the dead to that physical realm, and i think there are also probably various legends/folktales about living people traveling to the afterlife for various reasons. (i have some vague ideas about a common variation on the sundrop myth that involves The First Healer traveling into the realm of the dead and bringing back a magical flower that taught him the secrets of medicine, though that’s vanishingly unlikely to ever show up in the story itself.)

#bitter snow

[abbynormaled]

Summoning Myself

I don't know who needs to hear this today (well, maybe that's a wee bit of a stretch... I could name some people), but it is often too easy to focus on the difficulties and struggles that have come with openly transitioning over the past 5 months (is that all?), when the positives far outweigh the negatives.

N.B., I understand that much of the threats, negativity, and consequences of my circumstances are mitigated by my privilege. This post does not seek to negate either the struggles I have faced, nor those of transgender people who face so much more, but rather to shine a light on the joy that comes from stepping into the spotlight on the stage of your own Truth.

In no particular order, here are some of the radical and personally profound changes that have occurred since becoming Abby.

1. I smile at my reflection in the mirror.

To be sure, not every day and not that there aren't things I wish were different about my appearance. But...BUT I lived for so long having to look at myself as a chore, a necessary but unpleasant aspect of Looking Presentable.

Now I don't approach the mirror with a resigned spirit. I enjoy the time I spend with me. I take in the little features that make my face unique. I see, finally, what perhaps my loved ones see when they look at me.

I am no longer at odds with my representation.

It's no secret that Mulan is my favorite Disney film ever, and has been since it came out. I didn't always fully understand why, but what a joyful thing it is to have your reflection show who you are inside.

...

I lied.

That was, in fact, #1. Now proceeding with un-ordinated (though numbered) thoughts...

2. I used to hate clothes. 

I mean, truly. I hated clothes the way Trump hates the truth, the Game of Thrones writers hate satisfying conclusions, and Facebook hates showing posts in chronological order.

Used to be, the worst thing I could get as a gift was clothes, no matter how nice they were or how much I needed it. Picking out clothes was a daily grind.

These days, I enjoy my wardrobe (smallish as it is). I like picking out what to wear, I even enjoy the act of getting dressed! "Want to stop by Plato's Closet?" Yes, please!

3. Movement. 

I used to not move very much. I didn't really understand this until after I had started my transition. I felt like moving my body was strictly functional, or sometimes performative. But mostly, I didn't move it that much.

I'm still working on this one, but I've started just moving more. Ironically, I feel like it's OK for me to take up space, both in the physical world and also in the visual one. I think that before, moving my body was an egotistical thing to do (I know, weird, huh?).

It's now a thing I do for me, moving my body, because I enjoy having it and letting it do its thing: My lips, my arms, my hands, my hips. My eyebrows still need some coaxing, but they're coming around.

4. Touch used to make me very, very uncomfortable with everyone except my immediate family. 

Not that I didn't enjoy or want to be touched... I did. But I didn't feel comfortable emotionally or socially receiving it.

That's definitely changed for me. It's the most natural thing in the world for me now to accept warmly the hugs and hand holds and little affections that I receive from my glorious, wonderful friends.

I'm still working on giving it better, but it's progress!

4a. The Wall

Fen has always said that I seem to project an aura that I don't really want to be close, that I have a wall around me keeping people at arm's length. I certainly didn't want that wall, and in fact have spent much of my adult life trying to tear it down with little success.

Most of that comes from the autism, without a doubt. I don't give the correct non-verbal signals that indicate "I'm an open person; feel free to be warm with me."

But it definitely feels like things have changed. I don't know for sure whether that the wall is starting to crack, or if it's that my friends are making an extra effort to scale the wall (or a little of each), but my interactions among my friends have felt so much closer and meaningful and energizing.

(So, just to be clear my friends, even though it may not always look like I'm basking in your attention and company, I definitely am. Don't let the autistic demeanor fool you!)

5. I don't bite my nails. 

OK, I haven't stopped completely yet, but I used to shred my nails to the quick. Now I have long, sculpted nails that I enjoy painting.

6. Walking 

How I walked was not something I even thought about before transitioning, unless something occurred to get in the way of it. It was strictly utilitarian. The way Puritans think of sex: you just do the thing, you don't really DWELL ON IT.

I like walking now. Not in the "it's nice outside I'll go for a walk" sense, but that I enjoy the feeling of my body as it walks. I consider how each leg swings ever so slightly inward as it steps forward, creating a subtle yet graceful bounce in my step.

I remember the first time I spent time walking as myself. It was July in Asheville. Fen had taken me there for a long weekend of hanging out as Abby, and it was amazing. On our last night there, strolling down the crowded street headed to no place in particular, I said to her, "I feel so powerful!"

We use walking as a metaphor for the experience of being who we choose to be: walking our own path, etc. And I know why.

7. Conflict

Dealing with conflict has always been an issue with me, but I've found that, although I still shy away from it, when a tough discussion needs to be had, I'll have it. That's new!

8. Saying YES to myself. 

I used to get incredibly caught up in saying yes to too many things and getting overwhelmed and overburdened. I started stepping away from obligation I don't want or can't take on before transitioning, but I've felt way more comfortable with that stance since.

9. Weeping

I can count on my hands the number of times I've cried since graduating high school and prior to coming out. That's not healthy, to say the least. I still find myself trying to stifle it on reflex, but I've gotten better about just letting it out. And that's taken a lot of stress and tension out of me, both bodily and emotionally.

10. Uprightedness

My posture is much better. I'm still working on it, but it helps to feel good and strong in your body.

11. Emotional Management

Dealing with other people's emotions has always been a challenge, given the autism. But it's easier now, and I'm glad to be able to be more emotionally there for my loved ones (and I'll continue to work on it). It still takes more spoons for me than for most, I think, but I'm digging it.

12. French Fries

My willpower is getting stronger! I've lost 25 pounds since mid-July. I've made some very conscious choices to screw my diet for emotional health weeks, but the rest of the time I've found it easier to follow the diet plan. It helps that I have a reason to care about the results beyond a vague sense of being healthy!

13. I take selfies!

14. Community

I've often felt like George Bailey from "It's a Wonderful Life," wondering whether I really existed for other people beyond my immediate presence. I don't wonder that any more.

Like the townsfolk gathering around George with their contributions to rescue the Savings & Loan, the response of my community has been overwhelming! Whether it's the small messages I receive when friends know I have had a trying day, or genuine bright smiles I see when they greet me, I am encircled in love.

This circle of love and support is not a metaphor.

It's a magic circle.

It was made strong by each and every one of you in all the various ways you have supported me.

You have summoned for me a powerful space for becoming: a pocket universe of love for me to claim as my own.

#transgirl #gratitude

[martynamazworkbook]

#006 As I was brainstorming my ideas for presentation of my work (that hasn’t been finalised yet, but it also could well be a long term project for me) for graduation, I vaguely remembered that I saw some artist’s work displayed at the Paris Photo festival in 2017 on black plinths and under water. I thought this would actually be a perfect way for presenting my work (some, at least). I imagined the images I took of the river bed and I thought they would be meaningful, and less (or more?) abstract if presented under water - as is in the natural environment. 

I spoke to a couple of tutors who remembered that the artist’s name was Nadav Kander. TBH I am familiar with the artist’s name but I never looked into his work thoroughly enough. 

This time then I decided to look into his body of work. I’m still looking for a representation of the installation that remained in my mind, for now, I’m looking into the resources that I can easily find. 

This video I linked above features the artist himself discussing his project and approach to art/making work. 

Few notes I made while watching these interviews:

- the real-life sentiment is something, I think, I’m trying to get away from; I think I’m more interested in the lofted, elevated, in the mystical, the unseen, the untouchable, rather than the life drama. I’ve never been overly much into films that scare me or provide this trigger for a feeling. When I watched movies it was more about the poetic representation of the unfamiliar, of something more delicate and ephemeral than the corporeal. This is the reason I don’t watch television and the reason why I don’t find much to see in the theatres. (Although I do believe that there are great movies out there, both those I decide not to watch and those that I don’t even know of existence. One day I’ll find them)

- the metaphor of constant change; or the fluidity that so many artists working with water/sea/rivers mention, is also something I find in the water and my current project. Mostly though, it’s the flow (as per Victor Turner, in his essay on Liminality and Liminoid), the smooth running of the life, the smooth life, the easy life, the pleasant life, the right way of life, the life meditated, the spiritual life...

- “I’m interested in seeing myself mirrored in pictures. I’m interested in my inner landscape”. I like this thought and I find myself in it. By going to the sites where I photograph, whatever I decide to photograph, as it’s never a planned thing, I observe and decide on the spot, I guess I’m trying to establish a connection with the place and my inner guidance system - my spirit, my soul, etc. I am observing the landscape as I observe myself. Just like the whole of the environment is my reflection, a reflection of my perspective, of my perception of the world and myself, a reflection of my mood and my beliefs, so am I a reflection of what surrounds me. It’s always a two-way system, a two-way street. 

#006 #NadavKander #gsa4 #gsa #selfinitiated #water #river #bodyofwater #parisphoto #research

[elizabethrobertajones]

12x10 watching notes

tl;dr Yockey owes me dinner

There's a large part of me (the part that's getting larger) that just wants to eat pasta in a mug in peace and watch this episode before midnight :P But I always regret not starting to write meta on an episode as I watch if I don't do it, so here I am, cup of pasta and all.

Expectations - well, the spoilers all suggest some crazy angel hijinks in period costume. I'll be fine if we make it through this episode without Cas turning out to have had a baby with Lily in the past or something.

If the spec is true and he's in a female vessel I am however always going to have an exemption that Cas can be lesbians with her in the past, and may even WRITE Cas being gay with her in the past if I have to. >.>

The sanctity of the OTP has a few override buttons :P

Aside from that, well, it's Yockey, and I loved his first episode and he seems like he should be mostly unproblematic, after 12x06, but of course we barely have a handle on him and he's never written a full plot episode or Cas, and it seems like he'll not only be writing Cas but presumably a past version of Cas in a different vessel so... This is going to be a bit of a wild ride no matter how chill 12x06 made me feel about Yockey as a writer :P

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The trouble with pasta in a mug is that it's still really hot towards the bottom of the mug so you have to keep stopping eating it, and I think that is a perfect metaphor for how I approach watching new SPN episodes >.>

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Right back to 4x02 as a starter of the recap :')

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I may be getting older but I swear recaps didn't habitually re-tell entire chunks of the story like this re: the entire everything that happened with the nephilim plot so far.

Side note: I really don't want to think this much about the nephilim plot and would rather it just kind of went away and didn't come back until like, season 30 or something when the kid's a bit older and ready for the drama.

Honestly the show has a sort of built in expctation of longevity at this point, why not, uh, plant some seeds.

Anyway maybe just because Buckleming are the only ones with direct contact with it so far, but I really don't trust the show to be equipped to deal with this, ethically, or maybe even in good storytelling way. Which just leaves me with a ton of dread that problematic shit is coming >.>

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Also recapping an entire chunk of the story for Billie getting killed :< Thinking of problematic stuff and lazy editing.

I supopse it's a terrible balance between the netflix bingers (who'll skip it anyway) and the casual viewers who may not remember everything or are not reliable enough viewers to have caught every episode so they need a weighty reminder. It may just be that whoever's editing the recaps has changed because they used to be much more efficient at conveying everything and now they're just sort of laying everything out. The mini road so far last episode was really bland. I think the art form's disappeared :P

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If anyone's wondering, the arcade game angel is now my favourite character forever. It reminds me of in Steven Universe when Garnet got addicted to an arcade game, and couldn't be budged. Weirdly specific but excellent trope: immortal black ladies who have terrible impulse control around arcades.

I'm going to be so sad when Lily kills her.

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[crazy awesome fight scene interlude]

[kind of sad we already know she's called Lily because even though Lily Sunder is an incredible name, I wanted to call her Eyepatch Lady and I don't have to]

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Aw Benjamin :< God dammit why did she have to die first and SO soon after Billie... I mean I knew they were killing off the angels and have flashbacks to flesh them out so I assumed some would bite the dust immediately, and basically all of them but Cas are probably gonna die in the long run because haha recurring friends for Cas... But ugh, it seems kind of cruel to end the recap killing one badass WoC, and then start the episode and introduce and kill another >.> I mean I guess not intentionally cruel but definitely making a depressing trend REALLY obvious.

I don't think anyone will care about the representation when no matter what awesome roles the characters have, they keep on dying >.>

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I'm going to sulk off and get some tea, because I saw that coming from a mile off and it's still annoying me :P

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I also did the dishes and gained some dark humour perspective on it because of the little glimpses of the angels standing around doing seemingly nothing while Benjamin warned them - at least Benjamin doesn't have to have the conversation, "so what have you done since we last saw you?" "I have been playing video games since they were invented, non stop." "Oh, cool. Cool. I rebelled against heaven and stopped the apocalypse and was god and - "

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"Cas has been pretty busy, huh?" - confirmed, all the other angels are lazy butts and Cas has been hard at work.

I assume his fixation on finding Lucifer's offspring and dragging out all the noticeboards to set it up is a continuation of what's up with him and hunting. He was feeling more than useless with just some vampires, and so now he is trying 1000% of his hardest to do this right, especially as it's the loose end he's got left in the way of any attempt at happiness... He basically ALWAYS has one of these... times like this I miss Steve!cas and his simple happiness (uh on top of a yawning void of depression) at doing a few human things right, like Nora's praise that he did basically everything to open the store without her because when he has a few simple things to accomplish, he can get it all done, and everything is ordered and in the right place, and... God I feel bad for Cas being at loose ends and feeling useless.

Dean immediately is a dick about Cas NOT finding Kelly yet, so I assume he's in a good mood since last episode...

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I do like that Cas is clearly at least allowed to hang out at the Bunker and use their resources even if Sam and Dean aren't helping him or part of this project, and just sort of walked in on it. I guess this is a "good morning" meeting, only they walked into Cas staying up all night on this. There's no weirdness about the fact Cas is here or has been doing it, he's just an accepted part of their living space, albiet one doing weird art projects that mean they can't use the war room for their own crap :P

They're also really enjoying sprawling on their furniture now they're free

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Transitioning to the ongoing disappointment in Mom not making chicken soup for them - Dean continues finding it hardest to accept Mary has apparently adjusted, but to a life without them, instead of adjusting to a life living in the Bunker with them. It's also bitterly amusing me that now Cas is finally kind of just around them by default, they have another character who is explained away in the opening of the episode...

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Oh god Dean and Cas are "walking past each other in the kitchen" while not making eye contact. WHY is Cas in the kitchen. HE DOESN'T EAT. Is he strategically walking in past Dean? Bothering Sam to know if he wants coffee so he has an excuse to go get it while Dean is making a sandwich? How long has this been going on?? I want this entire soap opera episode pls.

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Oh no DEAN IS PISSED BECAUSE HE IS WORRIED ABOUT CAS. He says it's just about the consequences in a vague way, but CAS is the one who clearly incurred them because it's not like this deal had any strings attached to random stuff in the universe a la releasing Amara, it was a blood pact between Winchesters, on a family level, therefore Dean is most worried about Cas.

Halp.

I don't like this new trend of Sam and Dean actually communicating and talking about their shit. This is awful. Can we go back to them not talking about anything?

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Cas walks in on Sam defending him. My heart.

Although tbh he can hear through walls so unless the Bunker maaagically dampens that, he's come stomping back because he can't take listening to them going in circles about why Dean is ignoring Cas, because ouch, hearing how Dean is concerned about Cas's actions... I bet HE'S taking it as Dean thinking that he made a mistake >.>

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*snipey snipey Destiel arguing* (Yeah, Dean just pretty much accuses Cas of that :P)

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I love the old "all our friends are dead" type moment that they all have when someone comes up with "personal" business elsewhere. Like when Dean ran off to help Benny or Sam wandered off to deal with Amy Pond. Personal??? we don't get personal lives! aaand Cas is truly a Winchester now.

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Oh third wheel Sam. Cas wants Dean to come but snarks at him like he's not gonna, Sam looks at Dean, Dean looks at Sam and Cas and rolls his eyes and accuses Cas of doing stupid things, but comes anyway because he will still look after Cas even if they're not talking...

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Aaand the promo scene which left me amazed Sam did not open the car door, jump out onto the road, and take his chances there.

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[patented angry Cas squinting]

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I think that was the stage direction - Yockey might be new at this but he knows what he's doing.

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Oh NO the bit we saw before the episode wasn't even the half of it. Dean and Cas are having an Actual Married Argument, deliberately projecting their fight onto talking about Benjamin. I am waiting for Sam to roll down his window and climb out to spend the rest of the drive on the roof.

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The fact Cas says "Benjamin wouldn't call for help lightly" as well as about putting himself in harm's way - Dean probably latches onto that last part because it suits their argument more - also firmly confirming very clearly and loudly that Dean is worried about what will happen to Cas because he's upset that Cas put himself in harm's way, so this argument is now definitely, textually, 100% on Dean's side about how CONCERNED he is for Cas (and probably now a heaping of that Cas wouldn't deserve it and that Dean wasn't worth it because self-esteem issues... (The way this is going they'll probably say THAT in text too in like 3 lines) But yeah, also raising the issue that Cas doesn’t ask for help. Watched him rake leaves, anyone?

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Dean is going to CRASH THE CAR. Sam's breaking point is Dean literally rotating 180 degrees in his seat to talk back at Cas. :P

*sound of a car horn and something narrowly missing them* 

GUYS.

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Cas values sarcasm as a trait he really likes (nice, perfect need for someone who is going to resentfully be married to Dean forever), but would also like to be appreciated more :<

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Aaand the info about Benjamin and his vessel has officially murdered me, especially as he's already dead. :< Angel/human friendships! *flails emotionally* Also no angel has ever been shown so close to their vessel. Hannah came to appreciate Caroline and gave her back, but without bonding with her (rather, traumatising her, I guess); Cas being so happy Jimmy was devout now has retconned emotional impact about Cas knowing how his friend appreciated his vessel and Cas was excited to have that same bond. But Jimmy died early on, Cas didn't have the luxury to be kind and friendly to him or to start doing that later; although he returned in 4x20 saying of course he'd keep his word to Jimmy and look after him (in that very angel way that Cas had back in season 4), it took him until Hannah and Caroline to remember this bond with a vessel and go attempt to make it right with Claire and Amelia.

*flops over and slowly slides off my chair*

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*resumes watching from the floor because of Cas staring at Benjamin's wings* You know how we spend way too much time as fandom imagining crap about Dean having Cas's wings burned on him or his car or whatever? This is like that but with a character I've known for like 8 minutes of the show and I have a tear in my eye.

Poor Cas :<

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*continues a non-stop "poor Cas" litany through this scene*

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Oh my god even though all the angel blades look the same, Cas can TELL which angel they belong to THIS IS THE WORST NEW INFORMATION I'VE EVER HEARD.

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Well, aside from the longing retcon. Hey, it must be 2 years old around now - that was 10x10

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Having Cas being upset about losing a close friend that he fought together with right after saving Dean, a dear friend he has fought together with, and getting super judged for it, is way on the nose. Ow.

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It's pretty cool that Lily has learned to talk on angel radio.

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Oh gosh, Lily has a dead child I WONDER WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT

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I love as well that Lily is dressing like angels used to, in a black and white suit, can talk on angel radio, has an angel blade... She's like the ultimate hunter becoming the thing she hunts in a sort of parallel to grizzled old hunters wearing a big ol bear skin or something :P

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place behind them when they get out the car called "The Wright Spot"... guess which director is directing this episode. Go on. :P

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"If I plan to do anything else stupid, I'll let you know" - I honestly did not think it was possible to love Cas more than I already did but he keeps on proving me wrong.

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Cas is catching up on what feels like a 3 year backlog of angry squinting. He's definitely gone over the edge since last episode, as a result of last episode, but at the moment I think as long as Dean and Cas make up, in a good way where he's getting to vent some things about not feeling appreciated and so on, this will be okay.

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Hang on this is the diner scene - aren't Sam and Dean going to crush into this both with Cas? I need to see how this happens...

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Anyway AAAAAH Cas talking to angels! Angels who aren't trying to kill him immediately!

They are judging him for being careless and having to take a different vessel. Lol. "I liked the old you better" *Cas inspects himself*

Mirabelle then gets at Cas for the angel fall which obviously I was expecting since I already joked about this exact scene at the beginning of the episode :P I like that they went right ahead and addressed it. It's quite an elephant in the room, and of course the fact Cas's old battalion hadn't crossed paths with him at any point in the angel drama previously... Well, they HAD to have not picked Raphael or they wouldn't have made it past season 7. They may or may not have picked Metatron but they can't have been in Cas's army because he'd have actually chatted to them. There were still angels after season 10 who hadn't really got involved in all that at all, so I assume they laid low, perhaps knowing Cas better than most, or thinking they do >.>

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Oh yeah just go ahead and remind him of how terrible things went with Uriel and Balthazar while you're at it :P

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The "i just stared at a wall in a church for 100 years" angel is very boring. Mirabelle seemed to be pooossibly meant to be standing in Heaven's prison when the call went out? There were bars in front of her or something like that, so I assumed she was doing some job there. No idea what beardy angel was doing.

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Also pls stop reminding Cas of literally everything he's ever done because in every previous encounter with angels, bringing stuff up like that is a fast way to manipulate or upset Cas and he's in a wee bit of a precarious place right now...

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"spanner in the works" has someone actually called Cas that in canon or is that maybe like, something Edlund said in an interview or something?

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"I'm not a hero, but sometimes doing the right thing requires sacrifices" You know what, not that I wasn't already thinking it, but Yockey can keep Cas :P

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In this case, that line is tapping into his fight with Dean as well. He knows he didn't do anything particularly noble and definitely not honourable in a literal sense as he broke a blood vow, but it was what Cas deemed the "right" thing and he's in a sort of waiting zone to see if he broke the world again or what will be coming for him next... The sacrifices he's willing to take to make sure Dean etc are safe, because to Cas Dean is his moral compass and what is "right" is Dean and has been since season 4, even if Cas often goes against it or struggles with it or doesn't live up to Dean's standards or Dean has no idea Cas is trying to do right by Dean's way or -

(My mum's on holiday so I'm stuck at the start of season 7 wallowing on the end of season 6 fight right now :P)

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"But it always seems like it's other angels sacrificing for your good deeds" Yeah, buddy, we've watched Cas every freakin' step of the way and he has SUFFERED for this okay, so back off. CAS KNOWS ALREADY AND IF HE SLEPT HE WOULDN'T BECAUSE HE'D BE LYING AWAKE THINKING ABOUT THIS

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"Are you here to insult me or talk about Benjamin?" "Can we do both?"

ily Yockey

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"We didn't think you'd care"

fuck off Yockey :P

(I love that this contrasts with at the start Dean complaining about Cas caring as part of his rant to Sam about it all - drawing a line between what Cas cares about here and there... Obviously Cas DOES care a lot about these angels because ARGH his reaction to Benjamin HURT SO MUCH. But he's been understandably distracted for the last few years, and with these guys off having their own problems, say this started RIGHT after the angel fall, CAS WAS HUMAN and would potentially have missed anything on angel radio meant for him to warn him about this because he was so bad at tuning into it. If he never answered the call the first time one of their number was murdered, well, of course they'd think he doesn't care)

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Also I love that this episode clearly shows that Yockey has a very full awareness of the show's story so far.

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Ahahaha Sam no. (Please keep Sam-ing like this. You are the Sam I love so very much :P)

He has been observing Dean's behaviour all his life and he knows when Dean's patience snaps when it comes to worrying about Cas.

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Describe them in one picture

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Why does Sam cram in on the end though.

He doesn't wanna be left out either, though the bench is only big enough for Dean n Cas

If you want to talk definitions of third wheels, Sam is definitely it this episode, but he's got enough of a sense of humour that knowing he's along for the ride trapped in a lovers' spat, he can at least have some fun with it, since he's basically got to be the buffer between them. Or else towed in their wake.

(I also like how this shows Sam knows there's no point arguing with Dean about this, so going along with it mocking him for his behaviour is about the one sort of resistance he has left to him :P)

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"My friends who don't listen very well" *Dean smirks at Cas* Okay, but I'm taking a screencap of that to use as like, a phone background or something.

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This has mostly turned into me not listening to the conversation and screenshotting their faces so I need to go back and try again

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Mirabelle better not get killed just because Sam and Dean showed up.

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Noooooooo

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I can see these coming from so far off but

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"Who wants some pie"

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Dean trying to play happy families with this weird group of people.

Well, one weird rando angel, since Mirabelle is now dead, which means that I was right but this is an even more alarming rate of side character death than I was expecting

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Still don't think I've caught beard!angel's name

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He accuses Cas of "how far he's fallen" *shot of him being lovingly elbowed in the kidney by Dean* I wonder what the implication is here :P

The description of him as a warrior is interesting but we already knew that. I like "angel's angel" though because it mirror's "man's man" I suppose as a phrase, which is the sort of stereotype of a manly dude who does all the manly dude stuff, well, like Dean presents the front. I think, like, the sort of dude who goes fishing with his mates every weekend rather than stay home with the wife :P

idk if angels go fishing aside from Daniel but that's the second time I've thought of him in a few minutes of TV time so

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*Dean and beard!angel really stare down each other* Not jealous at all, are we Dean? ("want some coffee with that sugar" I am so amused) Beard!angel accuses Cas of being homeless, which is really mean because he lives at the Bunker now, but, uh, essential to the arc of Cas REALISING that he lives at the Bunker and is in fact his home and GOOD ENOUGH and also he's totally welcome there and Dean loves him and Sam's only being weird about this because he feels like a third wheel and is making DEAN'S life hell for it in the only way a little sibling who learned to punish people through well-meant bratty little sibling behaviour can... :P

Well, home will still be very snarky and passive aggressive when he lives there but at least it will feel like HIS snarky passive-aggressive hunter-filled home.

(Angels referring to humans as monkeys is an age old sign they can't be trusted or have the Wrong Morals, like Uriel especially since that's how we were introduced to the idea that calling us "mud monkeys" was "close to blasphemy" - which already undermines that Cas was always an "angel's angel" because it sounds like this is exactly how to describe beard!angel, and hey MAYBE CAS WAS PROJECTING BASED ON HIS ENVIRONMENT, NOT LIKE DEAN DOES THAT ALL THE TIME TO FIT IN OR ANYTHING)

I have collected so many emotional parallels between season 4 Cas and early seasons Dean in this one conversation that will utterly destroy me next time I wander through season 4, which was already riddled with this parallel in the original subtext >.>

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Also not for nothing but beard!angel does look vaguely like John & seems like him in the older male alpha authority figure way he acts. Dean is rejecting him which is great, but he has standards about what makes an angel (read: man) which doesn't fit with the true self we know of Cas (read: Dean, who is of course, "humanity") and clearly these are outdated societal angel things which he holds to...

welp

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"have some pie" (why do I feel like he's walking off to be Lily Sundered?)

Great parting words though. Dean is like "don't mind if I do" when he sees how much money the angel threw down. Of course it's mocking them for their attachment as family, but it's a value that is the CORE of the show - humanity and love and family - which pie represents in all its forms. A barb telling them to have pie because it's apparently demeaning to like these things (and below an angel to care for a family of humans like this) is no insult at all to the people who ACTUALLY LIKE PIE.

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Sam moves over so Dean and Cas can share the seat together. Nicely done.

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Captain of the SS Destiel and desperately trying to steer it through the storm to its berth :P

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"Ishim" apparently. Dean immediately defends Cas against him once he's gone, like, Cas doesn't deserve to be treated that way. BECAUSE DEAN APPRECIATES HIM.

Not that Cas may be able to recognise what just happened there because wow they're all dug in on their fight :P

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"No one gets to be a dick to my husband except me"

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Not surprisingly, Ishim then gets attacked and lightly stabbed.

(that was a pun. Because angels bleed light -

I'll show myself out)

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Cas shows up and injures Lily in a surprisingly similar way.

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I'm still impressed with her absorbing and using an angel smiting for power.

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Ishim says "I'm fine" which is such a part of the SPN vocabulary I don't even know what that means except that he's absorbed the same rules about it somewhere or other. :P Cas had to explain it to Hannah about why humans do it, but I think angels come on a range of personality types and Ishim is definitely of the better socialised type than say, Mirabelle, who was very angel-y, especially with how she stood the whole time watching them, and still had more of a uniform look to her clothes then Ishim who's just wearing a nice suit.

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I do like the church they're holed up in

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Hrm, vaguely annoyed about the "came to earth" turn of phrase, because I always took the watching over it to mean they were literally around on earth, though not in vessels and obviously as true forms very distant and above it all.

It's making my thumb itch that Cas had a vessel before Jimmy but I've been bracing myself for this retcon for ages so I'm just going to have to live with it :P

The fact that Ishim is the one dude and the other angels are all in female vessels does look, in this period costume, kind of odd. He has a little flock or something :P Weird gender role stuff going on here. I mean, from an outside view. To Cas, gender is nicely explained by that little exchange where Dean was like "Benjamin's a woman?" and Cas was like, "Benjamin's an ANGEL. His vessel is a woman" - so pronouns apply to them if they like them, but the real distinction is really not that important because what they are is genderless wavelengths with a consciousness that may like to be one or the other in a vessel or for it not to matter, or to prefer a pronoun that applies to them regardless of vessel or... it's wobbly. The important thing is they're angels :P Idk if I should have celebrated this louder back in the car discussion because I always took it as canon and especially with Hannah in season 10 something the show sort of went over again to make it a bit more clear, but with more hindsight maybe this really is taking what was strictly still sort of headcanon when it comes to expressly TALKING about how angels identify, and putting it in the text, aka definitely and finally queering all the angels ever, forever)

Anyway I had it paused on a lady with the Perfect Eyebrow and idk how the casting went for this but it was probably "can you do Cas's Eyebrow" so now I should see how she handles the rest because I'm sold just on her resting Cas face :P

We know since 4x20 Cas would possess Claire, with absolutely no weirdness about it, but there's enough blah about the circumstances that he might only have done it because the bloodline, emergency moment, Jimmy was in trouble etc... But here we have Cas clearly having freely chosen a female vessel (maybe an ancestor of the Novaks? Which would limit his choice if she was the only suitable one around at that point but eh >.>) and so that's sort of... a big moment I guess... *see above: conversation about angel gender* I'm so used to thinking this is a totally normal thing that I have no idea how mindblowing this is for them to happily show Cas in a female vessel like this :P There was so much weirdness about Raphael swapping vessels - several characters got a shot in towards the end of season 6. And at least Metatron made a crack about Hannah swapping out Caroline and using a male one. But Cas is a major character and unlike Crowley briefly possessing women, the way angels possess people is very different (and the reminder that Benjamin was friends with his vessel from the start of the episode sort of works in general to show how angels have to have a more mutual compatibility with their vessel...)

It’s a pretty big thing, I guess. 

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Benjamin is complaining about how wet it is on earth, but Ishim just confirmed all the spec that this is a human marrying an angel and I'm contemplating going out to stand in the rain and shriek into the sky so he's got that all wrong. Rain is great, when you need to shriek :P

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Obviously this is forefront a parallel to the Lucifer and nephilim thing, buuut I mean they're in LOVE and MARRIED

who else in this episode is MARRIED

Oh right Sam had to yell at them to not drive into oncoming traffic because they were too busy being MARRIED

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For the record, the description of the Nephilim here is killing me - it has grace and a human soul, and I've been speculating that Cas never lost his soul he had after being human, so he too has both. (Which makes him dangerous)

Revisiting nephilim is all Dabb because he wrote 8x22 which originally introduced the idea, and so I am now in a sort of danger zone for getting sucked riiight back into angel fall spell nonsense :P I have picked up a real aversion to wild speculation but this is my weak spot. The season 8-9 crazy Destiel optimism about that damn spell, and Dabb's picking at all the loose ends this season, especially to get to the Nephilim, which plays such a key part in that beautiful, horrible idea that the last ingredient was "the grace of an angel in love with a human" and this is specifically WHY the spell makes the angels fall... Brings them down to the monkeys' level :P Ishim would hate to know that detail of why he has no wings :P But, yeah, that the spell was a punishment or reward that comes as a result of angels mingling with humans (and I still think God preferred angels to like humans, so this taboo comes from angel society, that Ishim represents and is denouncing in front of Cas)

It's times like this I remember the translation to the angel tablet is just sitting in the bunker in a language Cas can read and I need to go shriek in the rain some more

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I guess Ishim is like the homophobic, racist uncle, we should treat this accordingly :P

(Benjamin also confirmed this is an angel-made rule)

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Castiel moves like the Cas we know better :P I like her a lot.

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I mean, she IS Cas, after all.

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Aww Lily's husband has great hair.

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Ishim says that he was only supposed to watch and instead he took up with a filthy animal... hahahahahahahahaha *flashback within a flashback to the diner scene and Cas all crushed up against Dean*

No I'm fine why do you ask

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"How could anyone know them and not love them" (re: humanity)

Help meee

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Oh no, Castiel does the whole speech about why this angel broke the rules before they kill him :<

I mean... Delicious irony making Castiel say it because obviously later Cas has done a complete about turn on this, at least where loving humanity is concerned. Maybe not the fathering nephilim bit as he's still out to get Holly and this is explaining WHY he knows it's such a big deal (8x22 also showed him hesitant to kill the nephilim there until she turned on them and proved she was ready to act monstrously, and then he had no hesitation) although I hope this inspires him to be more sympathetic, remembering HOW cold and angelic he was back here and how he's all in contrast to this now.

(I don't think it's weird Akobel makes that speech about humanity being great in front of Castiel, because although Cas clearly softens towards humans later and has a more sympathetic feeling than say, Uriel, who clearly is on a level with Ishim on this subject, by the time we meet him, or at least, after 3 episodes putting up with Dean, this mirrors Dean's 4x22 speech, which means that this is a trial run that doesn't convince Cas, because, well, there's no weight behind it to TRULY make Cas think. 4x22 in contrast is SO powerful that Dean's similar words have a huge weight of their friendship, his growing understanding of humanity, etc, that they land squarely on him and convince him to rebel)

-

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah and then Castiel flinches, clearly affected by this even though he knows the nephilim is an abomination and has to die :<

Always had that crack in his chassis...

-

I am glad that this is HOPEFULLY, via what they've set up in Cas's emotional landscape here so far, going to let him get to a place where he chooses to either let Holly go and forget about this, or at least track her down but give her a choice and maybe some actual HELP with having to raise a devil baby if she chooses to do so. >.> Definitely showing us Cas feeling bad about killing nephilim that haven't done anything, or given a chance to live their lives normally might NOT grow up awful (Jesse the forgotten antichrist comes to mind, never mind the nephilim we saw before who was living a completely peaceful life until Metatron ruined everything, as he tends to do)... I suppose it's been Cas vs 2 nephilim now and Lucifer's baby is the 3rd, so...

-

The message in 12x08 was so weird about it, there's so much salvage work for me to even be sure I know which way is up with this but as a bare minimum making Cas conflicted about what to do about this issue is a start to make it less crazy with all these guys coming rushing to tell the woman what to do with her baby, even if it seems justified by the story that they seem to know best >.>

-

"It was necessary, it was right," Cas says, looking horrified.

(Sam and Dean do too, and as I said, emotional compass...)

-

This is such a terrible plotline :P A sensible response back in 12x08 would have been like "hey you were coercively raped by the actual devil, just FYI about your baby" and she'd be like "oh shit that's terrible" and go willingly choose to have an abortion (and therapy probably >.>) without anyone telling her to do it but the main characters weighing in with their info on nephilim and anti-christs they've already met and dealt with to give her some best case/worst case scenarios to help her decision >.> That's the most political route because of actual choice and agency on the mother's part but eh. A lot of times in media they toe a safe line of considering abortion and confirming it's a thing that happens and isn't inherently evil but then the preggers character involved magically decides that they're fine and will keep the baby for personal reasons for the story to avoid going there and praising abortion for saving desperate people >.> Or well, unless it's a tragedy, but still a terrible idea to have the baby for everyone involved, in which case stories tend to throw a last minute miscarriage their way...

12x08 was just a mess though so had the poor woman in a room full of people yelling at her and attacking her in Lucifer's case about what she was supposed to do, and then she legged it and immediately decided to keep the baby and - this could have been better handled, even in a toeing a really safe bland line, is all I'm saying >.>

-

"we completed a mission, it was necessary, it was right." - Cas falling back on old angelic behaviour to explain it because the mission and their purpose was absolute and you didn't question it.

"You say so," says Dean, still annoyed with Cas for the last big decision he made where he thought he was doing something necessary and right by killing Billie.

(I notice this involves a lot of murder for the protagonists to work out how they feel about the big issues... Great :P)

But yeah, killing kids is like the no.1 no-no and used to show Dean stepping over the line in 10x22, and now Cas reveals he was complicit in killing a kid before. (Ishim is probably not going to make it out of the episode, and certainly doesn't deserve to, by SPN's rules :P)

-

I love the exchanges where they're like just "Dean." "Cas." because saying each other's names is enough to say everything they need to because they've been over arguments like this so much by now.

(I think Sam and Dean do it too but for some reason I don't pay as much attention to it :P)

-

Meanwhile: Sam puts his foot in his mouth implying to Cas that the angels sort of deserved what was coming to them (which is a fair opinion but maybe don’t tell Cas if you think that :P)

The following orders thing tends to go pretty far with angels when you throw in brainwashing (and how Cas was already at this point many many layers of reprogrammed by Naomi since she refers to doing it to him in Biblical times, so if he felt bad about this it may have been hammered back out of him for a while after) but Ishim really is kind of being presented as a total dick about it in a sort of unrepentant way that paints a target on him as a rightful character to feel deserves it, while though Cas and the others were following orders and enforcing their society's rules that they never questioned (and would be killed if they questioned too hard or lost faith in the power structure) and in COMPARISON to Ishim who is being used as a scapegoat by the story, clearly are less deserving of punishment, especially Cas who has learned SO HARD in many ways what is right and wrong (though this seems to be a big hurdle he has left). It makes it a bit unfair to only have left the most symapthetic angel by a billion miles compared to any of the others, because we've been so far with him, and Ishim, who has clearly not changed a jot :P

-

Sam says Cas is "different now" :3

-

Clearly the easiest way out is to be like, "look Cas is now married to Dean so OBVIOUSLY has changed his ways" and honestly Captain Sam of the SS Destiel, I'm not sure he's not suggesting it.

-

Cas talking about how she "won't quit" to avenge her family reminds me that this is a plot we have had before, with whatsisface in 10x02 coming back for Dean. I also watched 7x03 last, with Amy Pond's poor son who vowed vengeance on Dean and disappeared to grow up some more and honestly season 7 is now so long ago he MUST be ready to come kill Dean but here we are with Cas finally having it happen to him :P Oh the Dean and Cas story overlaps :')

-

I really really really love Lily Sunder and her actress is great :D That healing scene was, no pun intended, SO CHARGED.

(little bit of a pun intended)

-

(Kinda sad after seeing the flashback I can't write her and Cas as lesbians :P)

-

Meanwhile in Cas's healing scene - weird shades of 8x17 and Cas and Meg, with the way Cas is tending to an ambiguous friend with a history (Wait. Same director? Yeah, same director), and clearly caring about him enough to heal him (didn't heal Meg magically and I've always suspected angel magic is a bit of a blunt weapon that would had smote her if he'd tried, even if he meant no harm >.>) - something about Cas's face while he tends to him, especially, because he's poking around instead of just flinging some glowy light at him, which makes this whole set up of playing nurse, which Cas never normally has when healing people since he just puts his hand on them and fixes them. It's automatically a much more tender, intimate scene. If this was Dean and Cas, people would spontaneously combust.

-

God damn this episode is doing some amazing things with inverting and playing with gender and stuff

-

Ishim has to ruin it by complaining about Cas letting the 'simians' talk to him...

"When did you get so gooey" I mean really, this is so seductive the way he's lying there and Cas is messing around with taking off his clothes? He and Lily had very similarly placed wounds for this parallel... but.

But yeah, calling Cas "gooey" really, really sounds like Meg.

oh god this speech from him...

"You know why we're meant to stay away from humans? It's not because we're a danger to them. They're a danger to us."

UGH

Brb

/rain /shrieking

etc

-

If this episode has not already confirmed on at least 3-4 occasions already that Cas is totally in love with Dean I don't even know what it's for :P

-

"My friendship with Sam and Dean has made me stronger" "You can't really believe that" NO AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM RIGHT NOW.

Dean needs to do the whole boombox held up outside Cas's window love declaration and fix this >.>

I mean it is true that Cas is stronger, infinitely, than when we first met him, because of all he's been through for Sam and Dean, but... He doesn't see it :<

-

I think it's stopped raining so if I need to shriek I don't know where to go

-

I LOVE that after Cas is done healing the ding from the elevator overlaps him fixing Ishim and almost seems like a microwave ding telling us he's ready.

-

The fact this is about someone killing angels (never mind the Uriel reference) really does make the plot mirror 4x16 on Cas's side; that episode ditches Sam and Dean not long past the halfway point to become completely about angel drama and Cas's decision... Nice.

-

Lots of Edlund mirroring this season.

-

"Then we burn that bridge when we come to it" HAH. :D Love that messed up idiom so much. It's such the Winchester way.

-

I love how they just walk into Lily in the corridor.

"We don't wanna kill you" "I don't want to kill you" "Okay! Good, look, there we go, agreed" Sam you fucking third wheel master level dork. He's been mediating so many fights that even when he's in the middle of one as a participant he takes on this role :P

-

Also aaaaaaaah saying Cas is their family. I mean it gets said a fair few times, but it's always so lovely to hear it coming out of Dean's mouth.

-

Oh my god Alicia Witt is amazing

-

*looks around for something to scream into*

*picks Mittens's chat bubble since the sky is not in the right setting*

Love triangle plot twist!

Which I probably should have seen coming if I wasn't comparing what Ishim said to Cas so much that I forgot he was also saying it about himself. I sort of dimly registered it without thinking it would apply to something immediate :P

I guess now we know Cas has been super lied to he's even more blameless (in the narrative) for acting out orders that were wrong, aka basically all the Heaven nonsense where the angels get manipulated. LIKE 4x16 WHERE HE HAD BAD ORDERS TO ASK ALISTAIR WHO WAS KILLING ANGELS... Now it's WHY she's killing angels (showing again in 2 words how the show has changed in tone :P) Anyway... because they were clearing up Ishim's petty family feud for him in an abuse of power, it makes the other angels victims of Ishim's choice, especially now Lily is killing them for it.

-

I wonder if her research ended up with the MoL because it's always been a weird question of how they had so much info about research on angels and if this is clearing up a weird thing from 9x11, well... Robbie's being taken to the cleaners this episode on a few things already :P There’s literally so much going on I haven’t managed to cover it all.

-

ANYWAY everyone's in love with humans, and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

-

What is this episode even saying about Cas.

-

I mean I know what I will interpret it as saying but

-

Yockey, explain yerself

-

"I loved you" "You were obsessed with me, that isn't love" Oh dear, we're getting into details about what is and isn't love now.

-

You know, like the whole "love and... love" distinctions.

-

angel love triangle drama is so tense.

-

"You are powerless" So she goes and becomes the Most Powerful Ever - a human literally on the level of angels, or BETTER than them, to get her revenge. Nice.

I really love Lily Sunder, and I thought I would because of the name, but yeah, good hunch about that. :P

-

"You broke my heart so I'm going to break yours" :< :< :< :<

-

....

TERRIBLE timing to bring it up, but... 6x20 > 6x22, Cas breaking Sam's wall to keep Dean out the way. >.>

-

Oh no the daughter was human... WAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

-

This is like 1000% worse. I suppose for the previous stuff I was saying about it comparing to the Nephilim arc, Cas's guilt over this if/when he finds out will I suppose be a really heavy blow about Heaven's rules about Nephilim, since his obedience to them was used against him - and all the others who were in the dark - for this petty, evil revenge.

-

I like how Dean is just "he's a tool" about Ishim and phones Cas to... check Ishim is a big old tool?

Letting Cas know while he's alone with Ishim seems like a great way to flip from hunting Lily to needing her to help save Cas and get revenge on Ishim :P

Also I suppose Ishim turning on Cas (I hope but AAAH NOO CAS) would be a good way to convince Lily he's not evil/complicit if Ishim is having problems with him.

-

Heh, Sam's being left with Lily and Dean goes to check on Cas. What a wild surprise.

-

Oh dear, Cas is sassing Ishim which means even Cas knows he's contemptible now. The "oh goodie" sounds like Cas in the same room as CROWLEY. I suppose we're meant to assume Ishim stole his phone as well now

This would be a very good time to address that Lily can hack angel radio to message them but Dean doesn't think to pray?

Anyway Cas is not doing so great which seems to parallel that Lily healing herself seemed to really hurt her?

-

Can't believe they cover a plothole with Lily being like, nah, I just thought I'd wait and see what happened and if any of them came back to Earth I'd get them. 

Then had the angel fall spell dropped in her lap.

It seems like there should be a way to bridge her research with Metatron and the fact he made up his own spells including potentially that one. Off the books angel know-how. Like the MoL have... 

The show is never ever going to link this all up so it will just continue to bug me forever I guess :P I'm patient, I can wait over 100 years for more information to drop from the sky.

-

The fact the angel fall spell is connected to nephilim and has been mentioned a couple of times is making me reeeeally itchy in those old thumbs again

-

If Dabb wants a second crack at all that teasing, BE MY GUEST

-

Sam asking questions about magic... uhoh.

Nah, the price is soullessness, of a sort. Maybe becoming an angel? Is that possible? She might just burn out, hand of God style. Anyway Sam won't go for it. HE KNOWS THAT COST. 

FOILED AGAIN. No witch!Sam this year.

Meanwhile: actually tearing at my own soul in horror about the fact she's burning away her soul to use angel magic and I am of the opinion Cas has a soul and HE does angel magic but... he's caring more and more?? Can you do this in reverse? Use up your angel grace and if you have a human soul waiting underneath, just reboot in a different operating system?

What the heck.

I need to eat more pasta. Can't deal with this.

-

But yeah the episode has made a big deal about human souls and angel grace, and suggesting how they can live in a body together, either with Lily slowly replacing her soul, or with the nephilim having both naturally... Cas of course is an abomination.

(sorry Cas, your own words will eventually always come back to bite you :P)

-

Oh no, Lily's reached the stage where she doesn't dream any more :( Oh no Lily.

-

Lily is so good at patience. I love her. Although argh it's because she's got the emotional room to wait. Less soul to worry her. She just has to hope she reaches the end goal before she runs out of caring for it, or that her robo-self like Soulless Sam did, will carry on the "job" they define themselves by without emotionally caring for why they do it - also very Mark of Cain-y, taking on a thing like that to fling themselves at the target without a care for what happens to them in the process...

-

I'm guessing by now that Ishim has done something to Cas to make him weak :<

-

I did the "AAH OTP INTERACTING" fist pump when Dean rushed over to Cas all urgent and worried, and now Dean's just... like. Holding Cas. Help. I think I dislocated a finger making frantic handwaving :P

-

My arm legit really hurts.

-

Oh god Ishim is making Cas choose between "heaven" aka Ishim’s shitty side, and Dean. Guess we're back at 9x22.

-

"Why do his words bother you so much, Ishim" Ooooooh

This is going to be so bitchy

so so bitchy

-

*Cas squints harder*

-

"Well it sees some of my choices may need to be questioned" if you HAVE to concede a fight with your husband, this is the most badass way to do it so that it still seems like you at least half-won :P

-

Aw Caaaas all the beating up on him from the promos we assumed Lily did were Ishim's fault.

-

Dean just needs to know a human girl was killed and that's it, he goes for Ishim with a knife :D ("You're not going to like the answer" says it all, by implying that Cas's love for humanity will of course be what makes him hate it... AAAH)

-

"I used to envy you, Castiel" was that because he WASN'T in love with a human and now that's changed? :P

-

Oh no, he "just" cites Cas being chosen by God, before pointing out he's now sad and weak. Ishim sees that love as weakness.

-

Also Cas getting straddled by Ishim goes with that weirdly erotic subtext from earlier when Cas was healing him.

-

:< Cas lying there miserably after being beaten into submission. Now this has shades of 10x22 at the end - Ishim in the place of Dean - are we working through THAT trauma too... I am not up to this. Ow.

-

10x22 getting a little revisit (OH CAS NO) followed by Ishim saying he's going to go "cut out Cas's human weakness" by going to kill Dean

uh

paralleled directly to how he KILLED HIS HUMAN LOVER

I also thought from “cut out” it was going to be a reverse 8x23, and Ishim would split his throat and literally take something from Cas, like a SOUL or something. Then he said about himself, but split second panic there.

-

no biggie this is only literally THE MOST DESTIEL SHIT TO HAPPEN IN YEARS

-

HOLY CRAP then Dean picks CAS over banishing Ishim when he shows Cas is Dean's weakness too i

am probably burning my dinner in the oven

-

Yay hi Lily

-

KILL HIM

-

YAY more teamwork

I love when they do the teamwork thing. It’s a reoccurring theme this season, or maybe Yockey just likes it because 12x06 had the best teamwork ending.

-

AAAH LILY

-

This parallels 4x16 and Sam vs Alistair almost directly in staging

Except then Cas backstabs Ishim

he had it coming :P

-

Oh god and then Cas is on his knees, I mean, he drops to them because he's weak but it also puts him in a penitent position in front of Lily

LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL BLOODSTAINED SON

This also mirrors 4x16 and how he was on his knees in front of Uriel, the real threat of the episode for him.

-

I guess she decides not to kill Cas

-

Nice.

-

Oh look at poor Cas sitting there :(

-

I love that even though Lily's threat was she'd be beyond emotion, Dean tries to make this about revenge and killing some more to handle what next, but Cas goes straight to "i'm sorry" and Lily looks genuinely moved

-

Oh CAS you're so good.

-

And Lily thanks him and walks off :')

-

Oh dear, some over-running the episode length into a scene at the Bunker

Awww Dean giving Cas a beer and a shoulder pat and secret loving shoulder stroke. Dude. Someone needs to gif that in slow mo.

-

Oh god they're actually giving Cas a REAL you're family speech without any reasons to cut this short or make it not feel good

-

Sam's there too despite this having been all about Dean and Cas, just to smooth things over. :P

-

"I'm not mad I'm worried" Oh man all this stuff in the main text sucks because I deduced this back at the start through clever analysis of their dialogue and now what I can tell from this line is that... Dean is worried about Cas.

-

Look at their eyes

-

Waaah

-

Cas still looks beat up which is rare for him not to immediately snap back to normal. I worried.

-

Heh, Cas hasn't changed that much - all that and he still has carefully set separate rules for each situation, and KNOWING that Lucifer's baby really is Lucifer's, well... Unless he's been lied to about HOW dangerous Nephilim are... He still thinks he has a point.

Sam tries to compare scenarios

And Cas says he doesn't know what he'll do or if he'll hesitate. It HAS affected him. YAY. Episode’s goal accomplished in the final moment.

-

Okay this is clearly a motto of the ENTIRE show: "let's drink, and hope we can find a better way"

-

Can't believe Dean and Cas are married.

#12x10 #Yockey fanclub #season 12 spoilers #my stuff #general content warning for musing on the Nephilim plot nonsense

[alltingfinns]

Sherlock 4:3 reaction

I think I’m one of the few who is very middle of the road.

Very disjointed that they didn’t resolve last episode’s shooting on screen. Yes, I mean disjointed, but I’m also disappointed so that applies to. It didn’t make any narrative sense, that shooting was foreshadowed throughout TLD, and made a very dramatic high stakes ending. Why have the very next episode just brush it aside with an off screen tranquilizer explanation?

They blew up Baker Street, apparently hints from set designers that the whole set would be permanently gone or changed, only to remake it in an ending montage? Graffiti, bullet holes and all?

That ending montage in general? Like it’s parentlock now, and I’m honestly glad that they didn’t get together because of a pep talk from Mary, but it seemed that’s where it was heading but then what?

Is Moriarty really dead? Like objectively, the TAB case proved that faking it was possible, if a high risk maneuver. The body was unaccounted for in the TEH explanations. So they say now he’s dead and just recorded loads of stuff, and that’s it?

It may have been cruel towards Molly, but in a way, maybe she needed it? Maybe she needed this closure to finally move on? (Yes, now I talk about the vaguely positive stuff.) Still doesn’t explain why they made a big deal about this in marketing, unless it was a purely cynical ploy on making people curious about the “high functioning sociopath” being in love? Because this was not a relationship upgrade, if anything it was a sinking. It hurt Sherlock precisely because he doesn’t return her feelings. I almost thought they were going to turn that into Sherlock telling John why he can’t return Molly’s feelings, or at least hint at it.

Has Johnlock sunk? At this point, no. It hasn’t sailed, and it may never sail, but they did not sink it. They sank Sherl0lly but not Johnlock. In fact they gave the ship a common post-s3 fic scenario, down to the “Mary dies a saint supportive of Sherlock and John” which was common even post-HLV, as I recall. There’s leeway for the future. A 5 series plan, we may have jumped the gun on the timing. 

Still bugged about Mary, because WTH? Both Mary and Euros apparently fall under the specific type of villain that is easily forgiven if they’re just really sorry, or decently fake sorry, doesn’t really matter. Is it a “women can’t really be really bad villains because they’re too weak or lovey-dovey for that sort of thing” deal?

Interesting the specific things that TJLC was still right about. That Redbeard wasn’t just a dog but remembered as such too make it easier on Sherlock. 

Finally I just want to say that having been disappointed before in a similar manner (Harry/Hermione-shippers were in general accused of only caring about our ship not sailing, when we had several ship-unrelated problems with HP6 from characterization to abandoned plots), though with admittedly much less at stake (the true story being told, queer representation), that we’re better than this. I know several friends who were deeply disappointed by the final HP books, who has gone on to greater things.

And I know this fandom is vastly creative, good with metaphor and language, and will do great things. Though maybe not much comfort, a wish to fix things is always a better motivator than complacency. Perhaps what we lost in confirmation, the world will gain in creation. 

I don’t know. I just look forward to all the parentlock and fix-it fics. And I myself am approaching a point where I can spend more of my free time writing fanfic and such and such. 

Take care of yourselves.

#Sherlock #johnlock #TJLC

[syafiatudina]

A call for alliances between islands (2017)

This text is partly consist of script for my Fantasy Island exhibition tour and the other parts were taken from my fieldwork notes during my 2 months stay in Batam Island, in 2010.

I remember there’s a big cruise ship in the parking lot of Nagoya shopping complex. The cruise ship is attach to part of the mall and I can remember although vaguely that the ship was actually a restaurant. Around Nagoya shopping complex, there are few ports which offer ferry services mainly to Singapore. I’m currently referring to Nagoya in Batam, Indonesia, not the Nagoya in Japan.

No one can tell when I was there in 2010, why there’s a shopping complex in Batam, named after a city in Japan. Not far from Nagoya shopping complex, I found a mall called Lucky Plaza which reminds me of the Lucky Plaza in Singapore. In Batam Lucky Plaza, I bought a cell phone with Thai letters inscribed to its keypad.

Batam is a city where things are often out of sync with each other although they are part of the same environment. Yet this situation is not typically Batam. As much as Singapore goverment wants everything to be in its designated place, it’s a matter of careful notice to find odd gestures and unsual movements of bodies and objects.

Fantasy Island is stated as an exhibition about a relation of two islands, which are Singapore and Batam. Although one can’t help to think that this project can be seen also as an exhibition about Batam which is being held in Singapore. A place is currently being represented in another place.

I think there’s a heavy burden which this exhibition is facing. Perhaps also suffering from. The burden of staying true to the experience of being there (Batam) in here (Singapore). Adding to that, is also the delicate task on representing inequalities within the relations of Batam and Singapore while being aware of the trivializing trap.

This is not the burden which suffered by this work alone. This is a condition which James Clifford address when he criticize how field research is obsessed with the act of dwelling. The longer someone stays the more s/he possessed the local authenticity. Therefore, the ideal ethnographer is someone who travels, then stays and writes. The native is the one who borns and lives there. The ethnographer will try to capture and possess as much localities as the native. The native doesn’t need to do anything. A passive-active relation, the subject-object, the one who represent and being represented. 

Representation is a totalizing relation. It’s always either this or that. As if there’s no other way of being and doing things.

Therefore iI would like to refuse the logic of representation. Rather than thinking about the “realities” in the field (there, in Batam) which each of this work is trying to conveyed (here, in Singapore), I would like to discuss how these works, the environment of Batam, and Singapore are part of surfaces of our life which are being hold together by various sets of technologies. 

Technology as our mode of being in this world. This allows us to have a holistic approach on body as not separated from the environment. By shifting our attention to the technologies which holds together the surface of our life (with human and environment as one), various typologies of relations might start to emerge. That relations are not always totalizing, such as conqueror and being conquered. 

Again it’s the art of noticing. What happen in places that often being ignored where the intricate web in which values and affects are constantly moving and overlapping?

When I was visiting Batam, I had to use taxi as my main transportation mode within the city of Batam. Although there are other forms of public transportation, such as bus, but the coverage area wasn’t broad enough. The type of taxi which I had been using in Batam wasn’t an “official” taxi. It’s a regular car, without official license plate for public transportation and instead of using meter, the cost is decided based on agreement with the driver. Every taxi driver I met always asked if I was in Batam for work or temporary visit. When they found out that I’m a visitor, they would give me their cellphone number and asked me to call them whenever I need a ride.

That’s how I met Arief. Arief is a taxi driver who came from West Sumatera Province like most of taxi drivers in Batam. Batam is perceived as the right place to get a job with more than decent payment. This condition was cause by its proximity to Singapore. According to Arief, Batam is the gateway for Indonesians to find job in Singapore or at least to get money from Singaporean without having to leave Indonesia just like what he do. Arief had few regular clients and all of them are Singaporeans who went to Batam to get things or services which they couldn’t have back in their homeland. One time, Arief took a Singaporean middle-age woman who came to Batam only to buy thirty cans of powder baby milk. It’s also a commons sighting for Arief to see foreigners whom he suspected to be Singaporeans, to buy instant noodles or other daily needs products in bulks in Batam and brought it back to Singapore by ferry. 

He said everything in Batam is much cheaper than Singapore, although he’s never been to Singapore. So he can understand if Singaporeans prefer to do their grocery shopping in Batam. On top of that, according to Arief, the Singaporeans are generous tipper in comparison to Indonesians or Malaysians. 

As I look into Evelyn Pritt’s photography work on abandoned buildings in Batam, my mind goes back to the memories of empty shops, malls, and houses which I had encountered during my stay there. These signs of decay made me think of Batam as a place of ruins —ruins of speculative development, as Evelyn Pritt mentioned in her statement. One of the moment in Batam which amplified this thinking, was my visit to the ruins of BIP Mall. BIP Mall was an active shopping center in 2004 until it was being closed down in 2006. I didn’t find any sufficient information on what leads to the closure of this mall. Arief told me that perhaps the developer company went bankrupt.

Yet ruins are not a condition without life. There are many forms of living which can emerge in between ruins. The empty malls is a place for local teenager in Batam to practice skateboard, inline skate, or even refined their paint spray can techniques. Evelyn found few bottles of wines which looked quite recent in one of the abandoned houses.

The precariety of living in Batam —where investments can fail, young people are jumping from one job to another, becoming outsource labour for companies abroad— exist side by side with the freedom of having fun according to one’s needs. Sex tourism is one the popular image which Batam has been associated with. Once enters the realm of commodification, desire is the previlege of clients (predominantly male with money) to be fulfilled, which Ardi Gunawan’s work had proposed to be subverted. Batam is the place to seek economical refuge for Indonesian. While at the same time, according to Arief the taxi driver, Batam can offer what Singaporeans couldn’t get in their homecountry, which is to have fun. Batam is a place to seek refuge from the psychic repression of Singapore.

Batam was built to become the Indonesia version of Singapore, through president’s decree, Keppres No, 41 Tahun 1971 which is also an important reference in Eldwin Pradipta’s work. These two islands are not separated entities. They are being developed in mirror to each other, benefiting the one with more power (wealth) over the powerless. If states are in alliance with each other, should sovereignity simultaneously also being built within the non-state realm in order to resist the totalizing power? How to put desire, as the urge which moves between two islands, as political means?

I would like to conclude this text with emphasizing us and the environment as one surface where we depend on each other in order to exist. The fact that we need each other to survive means that non-state alliance between island is possible. Then the further question would be, what can be the ground for this alliance? ila’s work puts a good metaphor on how struggle is similar to objects which are being swept away or left behind on the shore by tides. Resilience as the ability, not only to keep existing, but the improvisational moves along with time and tides of changes. Or like Wu Jun Han’s work which keeps breaking apart during the period of Fanstasy Island exhibition, precariety is the mark of our current existance. 

Can precariety become the ground for non-state alliances between islands?