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edenfenixblogs · 4 months

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hey, gentile here. just came across this post of yours and, first of all- it's SUPERB. it showed me a perspective on being a jewish ally that i really wouldn't ever have considered by myself, made me more confident in my choice to put combating jew-hatred above the friendships I've recently lost, and gave me a really useful direction on where to go as an ally to jewish people onwards. that being said, there's a few details about it I'd like to press you about, if it's not too much trouble.

this point is probably worthy of an eyeroll as i'm a culturally christian atheist (making a concious effort to not be *that* kind of atheist), but: when you refer to G-d as the creator of all things, you stress that that includes evil- but that, in so doing, G-d is not evil themself. now, I'm asking this with the express purpose of you correcting me, so: why does this G-d- as a G-d fundamentally distinct from the Christian conception of God as a Super-Mega-Ultra-Perfect God Who Can Do No Wrong Ever- create evil? i, personally, have been led to believe by @/spacelazarwolf that it is simply because G-d, too, makes mistakes just like any human being, but the way you worded it in this paragraph (which I've included as a screenshot below) had me interpret G-d creating evil as a concious, intentional action. did i just not read it correctly? and, if i didn't, then is the reason G-d creates evil part of this central struggle you went in detail into in the same paragraph, and as such, a very individual part of Jewish belief that no two jews agree on? and if that is so, would you be comfortable with sharing your version of it?

a few paragraphs after that one, you dedicated many words to make it absolutely crystal clear that, in the process of unlearning and combating jew-hatred in the society around me, i should, in spite of the vitriol that they propagate, love the former friends i lost to antisemitism. how- and *why* should i love the people who, on an early october 8th morning, actively celebrated the news of a massacre of Israeli civilians? who mocked- and still mock- the survivors and the families of hostages? who wield the memory of the holocaust as a baton against Jewish people's right to self defense? who deify terror groups who are up to their necks in atrocities? who make an active effort to spit on the face of *reality?* How could i possibly look at the face of a friend who chose allegiance to a terrorist group she did not even know existed four months ago over me- who she had actively interacted with for much longer?

would you rather we called ourselves "gentiles" or "goyim?" I've been calling myself a gentile for the longest time because i see jamming a word from a language i don't speak at all in an otherwise english sentence to be disrespectful and constitute appropriation, but you and other jumblr blogs have given me the impression that that is not the case. furthermore- i believe it was @/bambahalva who pointed out the usage of the word "gentile" in antisemitic segregation policies.

that is all- i hope this message finds you well. oh, yeah one more thing- what do you think of The Forward news network? i came across them by chance and next thing i knew I'd gotten into their newsletter.

WARNING: I HAVE FINISHED WRITING THIS AND IT'S LONGER THAN I EXPECTED AND ALSO MORE JEWISH THAN I EXPECTED LOL! I have done the most Jewish possible thing I could do and answered all of your questions with questions. I'm sorrryyyyyy! This is what happens when you grow up surrounded by rabbis and future rabbis! LMAOO

Oooh! What a good ask! I love this ask. OK, so! Let's go in order.

First of all, thank you so much for your kind words. And thanking you for backing your words with the action of prioritizing kindness over hatred. It matters. More than I can ever explain. Thank you.

You know, it's funny. People ask me a lot of questions about i/p that they think will have simple and straightforward answers that just don't. And I end up writing a lot of essays because of this. The questions you wrote me seem like they should be complex, but feel relatively straightforward to me.

Now, to your first bullet point: I don't know. I truly do not know. I think that G-d is fundamentally just...G-d, and in so being, G-d is truly unknowable to me. I think many Jews have many different interpretations on why G-d creates evil. I'm no rabbi, but one of my BFFs is and so is her mother and great grandfather. That doesn't give me any kind of authority. It just means I've spent a lot of time thinking about theological questions like this. As for my perspective, I'm a progressive/reform Jew, not a humanistic Jew. I do actually believe in G-d, but I vibe with the community philosophies of Humanistic Judaism a lot. So that's the perspective I'm coming from here:

I'm not a particular fan of the Book of Job, because I think it gets twisted and interpreted in Christian ways more than most Hebrew books and it can too easily be twisted into a "Don't question G-d, because G-d is perfect" narrative that I find to be fundamentally at odds with how I practice Judaism. Also, it's just a very sad story about how a good and kind man lost everything, and it makes me sad to think about. HOWEVER, that traditional "Don't question G-d" narrative is not how I learned to think about that book. The way I learned it, I believe the Book of Job describes this issue most explicitly. After Job loses everything he holds dear and talks to all his friends and begs again and again "Why? Why did G-d do this to me? Why would G-d do this to me when I'm a good person?" And basically G-d hears everyone answering for G-d with various reasons, "Maybe you were bad." "Maybe you should make an offering" Maybe this. Maybe that. And eventually G-d responds from within a storm (paraphrased of course) 'Why the fuck do you think it's your business to know? I made the whole universe! I made everything you see. I made the world that gave you your family in your first place. Why do you think you get to question my motives?'

The way I always interpreted that is: I don't fricking know! It's not really my business. What am I gonna do? Stop G-d? How does my knowing why G-d creates evil help anything? It doesn't mean we don't question G-d. It means we should instead focus on what we CAN control. I can't make 10/7/2023 not happen any more than I could stop The Holocaust or form an ocean. That's divine business, not human business. What I CAN do is make the world better now. What use is it challenging things that we cannot change? Things that are in the past? What's the point of asking why bad things happen when we can instead focus on stopping more bad things from happening. G-d named us his people when Abraham fought with G-d to stop the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham repeatedly asked, "But are you sure? But what if there are 100 good people? 50 good people? 10 good people?" And G-d kept responding, basically, 'I mean, there aren't. I know this cuz of how I'm G-d and know all the things. But knock yourself out looking.' My interpretation of this was that G-d doesn't get mad when we do our utmost to help our fellow human beings. G-d gets mad when we waste our energy that we could be using to help our fellow man to instead be angry and rage futilely against the past. I say this as someone with PTSD as someone who attempted to stop a tragedy from occuring and failed and can never understand why. What informs my trauma and what makes it so hard to get past isn't that G-d allowed it to happen. It's that people did. It's that I begged for help before it happened--over and over and over to dozens of adults in various positions of authority in order to prevent this terrible thing from happening (no, I will not now or ever disclose what that thing is). And all the people who could have helped failed me, and now two people are dead. Because someone did an evil, evil thing. And a bunch of other people let it happen. I'm not mad at G-d. I'm mad at people. And yet, I also know that hating people and finding reasons to dismiss them and despise them is what leads to more tragedies like that happening. So, despite my rage, truly the only thing to do is to love people. It's the only that helps. It's the only thing that repairs the world. It's the only thing that we can control. So, in short, my answer to "Why does G-d create evil?" is "Why should I spend my valuable time on earth trying to answer that question when, instead, I can spend that same exact amount of time asking millions of people, 'How can I help? What's wrong, and how can I help make any part of it better?'?" We don't need to understand G-d to make the world a better place. I'm fine leaving G-d stuff to G-d and spending my time on the human stuff.

Now, your second bullet point. Love their souls. You don't have to love what they've done. But they are human beings, as are we all. I think this can also easily be twisted into the Christian framework of "Hate the sin, love the sinner," but that's not what I mean at all. People's evil deeds are a part of them. They need to take responsibility. There is no divine absolution for crimes that people do unto each other in Judaism. If you harm a person, G-d cannot forgive you for that. Only the person or people you harmed can forgive you. And to a certain degree, we are all defined by our actions toward others. And so, no. I do not forgive the terrorists who woke up and decided to kill a bunch of Israelis and Israeli-adjacent humans. I do not forgive those who celebrate the deaths of Israelis because of some misguided sense of justice. I do not forgive the people who continue to send me hatred and death threats day after day after day after day. And I do not love the parts of them that did and do those horrible, unforgivable things. But my goodness. They were babies once. They either had parents who love(d) them, which is so sad, because they have this life of love and they chose instead to fill it with so much hate. Or they didn't have any parents or loved ones or anyone to guide them and, my goodness. That is so sad. How terrifying and alone that must feel. Maybe they have friends and family who love them and are instead wasting their precious time on this planet directing their energy at raging against me and 15 million other Jews they've never met. Or maybe they don't have anyone who loves them and they think that hating me and harming me will bring them some sense of purpose and joy. What a horrid way to live.

My Grandpa died last year. I have a wonderful family for whom I'm very grateful, and I even have good memories with my Grandpa. But he was not a good person. He came from an abusive home, and weaponized that abuse on his loved ones until he drove them all away. He was a narcissist. Not in the pop psychology sense. But in the actual clinical sense. He ruined every relationship that ever mattered to him--personal and professional. And in the end, because of his own actions, he died alone. He had pushed everyone so far (often with legal threats and action) that when he died, he laid on a slab for weeks because nobody could figure out who to call, because he had no one left. (For reference, Jewish burials are supposed to happen rather quickly and two weeks is...not good.) He was the only person in his generation who was not born in Israel--my family on his side has lived in Israel since looooong before even the British Mandate and he was the only person in his family born and raised in the US. As far as we can tell, the family on that side has been in Israel for as long as Jews have existed. He was religious. And while I've never been to Israel or met any of my family there, he did go. And he kept in touch with his relatives there before driving them away too. He was a wealthy man, but convinced himself that everyone only wanted him for his money and then decided to horde it instead. He left nothing to his children or to me. He left all his money in an endowment to his university--a place that uses that money to fund anti-Israel organizations now. He died alone, without his family that lived nearby, and with a legacy that will now cause active harm to the family that lived far away. He could have died surrounded by the loved ones from around the world who wanted nothing more than to be near him and loved by him. His story is a tragedy. The story of every person who chooses hatred over love is a tragedy. The story of someone who woke up and chose to murder others or to delight in the death of others is a tragedy. I love the soul in the center of these people. I loved my grandfather. I could not be around him. I cannot forgive some of the things he said and did. But I love the person he could have been. I love the part of him that gave me some good memories. I love the family he gave to me.

No, we do not all need to love or forgive those who have wronged us or terrorized us or murdered our loved ones. But that is different from mourning a human soul. From loving the potential of a human soul to do good in the world, and mourning the loss of that soul and its potential. Every human being--every single one no matter what they have done in their lives--has the potential to create goodness and make the world a better place. Every moment of every single day is a new chance to meet that challenge and do our best. Sure, not all of us have it in us to try our best every single moment. Sometimes life is hard and we're sad and tired and hungry and angry. And that's ok, because we have tomorrow, and an hour from now, and a minute from now. But the moment someone chooses to take action and decides that action should be to cause another harm or celebrate the harm that was caused? That's a tragedy. And when a life is extinguished, that is a life that loses its potential to try again and do better. We shouldn't love people because we deem them worthy of love. We should love people because they are people. And so are we. And how wonderful is that? I could choose to hate them. It would be so easy! But why should I do that? What do I gain? What do they gain? And isn't it so wonderful that I chose to love instead? And isn't it so wonderful that you can, too?

As for your final bullet point: I have no preference. I say goyim cuz it's easier for me. Goy/gentile/non-Jew are all fine to me. I have some icky feelings about the word gentile for a variety of linguistic reasons I won't bore you with. But some other people don't like when non-Jews appropriate Yiddish words. Others (including me) find it wonderful when non-Jews call themselves goyim. All my closest non-Jewish people call themselves goyim, including my sister! Non-jew is the most neutral in English and least likely to offend anyone. But it still separates Jews as an other whereas "goy" is a way to distinguishing yourself from Jews while also being an acknowledgment of our culture. As far as I'm concerned as long as a goy is being a goy (ally, positive) rather than a goy (derogatory) I don't mind that they call themselves goyim. LOL! Idk, friend. Do what makes you happy! What do you prefer?!

Regarding The Forward news network: They are a reliable Left-Center source with a high credibility and reporting rating and only one failed fact check in the past five years for which they issued a correction. I would consider them a reliable source. They cover legitimate issues of people who support Palestinan self-determination ostensibly being punished for their stances. They publish Op-eds critical of Netanyahu, who is terrible. And they address how antisemitism is harming diaspora Jews. They seem to consistently emphasize the humanity of everyone, which you can tell based on the rest of my post is very important to me, but they also avoid over-editorializing on news that is not in the Op-Ed section. I'll never endorse any source as perfect or guaranteed to be free of problems or harm or bad takes, but they do seem to make a genuine effort to be factual, clear, and wholly truthful. Note: I highly recommend that everyone installs the Media Bias/Fact Check extension on their web browsers. Get in the habit of checking and evaluating sources critically. It's a skill that will serve you your whole life.

@clawdia-houyhnhnm I hope this helps. And thank you for your thoughtful ask and commitment to intercultural understanding. <3

#ask me stuff #clawdia-houyhnhnm #leftist antisemitism #antisemitism #jewish muslim solidarity #jewish goyim solidarity #Judaism #jewish culture #jumblr #how to help #allyship #media literacy

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alice-after-dark · 15 days

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A Twist on the Standard RadioStatic

Not gonna call this a headcanon just yet, but it's a concept that has been swimming around in my brain.

Standard RadioStatic tends to go something like this: Alastor and Vox were friends, Vox caught feelings and confessed to Alastor, Alastor rejected him and fucked off for 7 years, Vox is now bitter and obsessed (insert details and personal preferences as you will).

Now while I typically think the falling out was both their faults (see this post), I have read some fascinating takes on alternative ideas to this norm and it has given me some thoughts (I am sure this is far from original, but screw you I'm having fun).

TW for abusive relationships, possessive/controlling behavior, victim blaming, and other canon-typical triggers. Contains abusive StaticMoth.

So imagine...it's Alastor who catches feelings. And he has no idea what to do with them. All he really understands is that he likes being around Vox and dislikes being away from Vox and he GREATLY dislikes anyone else showing any interest in Vox (more than one Sinner has been devoured for such a daring offense). He does not enjoy these feelings, no thank you sir. They make him confused and flustered and off balance and that is simply unacceptable. Of course this is Alastor, so he doesn't really process that what he's feeling is love. It translates more into a possessiveness in his mind. As far as he's concerned, Vox is his. What that means...best not to think too hard on it. It's hardly an issue anyways, with Vox always by his side like an excited puppy.

Until he's not.

Valentino slithers his way into the picture and this makes Alastor furious. Valentino is everything he hates; he's abusive, chauvinistic, disrespectful, and utterly full of himself. He can't stand that Vox is giving this walking shit stain the time of day. Vox learns very quickly not to bring up the moth demon around Alastor because he can fucking feel the hostility coming off Alastor in waves whenever he does (he doesn't understand why, of course. Val is perfectly charming to him. Okay, so maybe he loses his temper every once in a while every other fucking day and says some nasty things but he always apologizes...). And fuck forbid they are ever in the same vicinity. Vox has had to come between them on more than one occasion to stop a fight from breaking out. This of course only makes Alastor even more hostile because why is Vox protecting that wretched excuse for a demon? These encounters usually end with Alastor angrily taking his leave of both of them for the rest of the day. He ignores that so very loud part of his mind that protests leaving Vox alone with Valentino.

The breaking point comes when Alastor sees Vox's cracked screen for the first time.

Vox insists it was an accident, that Valentino didn't mean to. They just got into a small argument and Val can get pretty animated when he's upset and he didn't mean to shove Vox like that and it was Vox's fault anyways for continuing to push when he knew Val was mad he should have just given him space and Alastor is not listening anymore. He's heard this song and dance before. He's seen it played out before his very eyes. He will have none of it and WHY THE FUCK WILL VOX NOT JUST LET HIM KILL THIS FUCKING MOTH?!

Alastor loses his shit. He goes on a tirade about Valentino. This is not the mere hostile exchange of barbs Vox has seen between them before. This is pure unadulterated vitriol. Vox always knew that Alastor and Val didn't get along, but Alastor has never once let him see this absolute hatred he has been harboring for the moth demon. He has never seen Alastor's demeanor break like this before. He flat out demands Vox to never see Valentino again. They start to argue. Vox doesn't understand what is happening.

"Why the fuck do you think you get a say in who I'm friends with?!"

"B̃ͦͧEC̸͎ͯ̓̀Ą̨̼̠ͧ͜͝U͉̟͎̔ͩS͐E Y̢̦͂O̸͖U͗'̿ͮͪ̒̐_R͎͗̉̒Ḙ̑ M̵͔̱͂́ͭI̳N̯̲̝ͯ̄E̳̤͎ͯ̓ͬ͜!͙̪"

"I'm...what the fuck?!"

Because Vox doesn't understand what Alastor is saying. Fuck, Alastor doesn't understand what he's saying. He just wants Vox as far away from Valentino as possible and Vox is just not listening. Why won't he fucking listen?! And then it click with Alastor what he just said to Vox and the panic starts to set in and he feels vulnerable and exposed and he's not even sure why but he doesn't like it and it needs to stop now so he does what Alastors do best. He attacks the cause of those feelings.

He starts mocking Vox. Viciously. Goes for every weak point, every crack, every loose thread. He tears into him, shredding him down and spitting out the refuse. Did Vox really think he cared about him? That he was special? That he was ever anything more than a source of amusement? How fucking hilarious.

Vox attacks him and the rest is very messy history.

TLDR Alastor basically confessed in a very Alastor way because what are feelings and well fuck he's eating them, then panicked and proceeded to handle his vulnerability in a very Alastor way, Vox took what he said at face value and did not react well to being insulted, and Alastor took it as a rejection (even though he didn't entirely understand that that's what he was feeling).

#hazbin hotel #radiostatic #hazbin vox #hazbin alastor #alice rambles #vox hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel vox #staticmoth

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queen-haq · 6 months

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Fic: Grudgingly Yours - Part 10

Grudgingly Yours, Part 10

Summary: You are a general surgeon, working in a hospital that’s slowly sucking the life out of you when one day you’re given the offer of a lifetime.

A.K.A - An arranged marriage fic :)

Pairing: Billy Russo x You

Rating: R

Masterlist (contains links to my other stories and this one)

Chapter 10

You were irritated beyond belief, but you reminded yourself to stay calm. Six weeks. It took six weeks for Alistair to agree to meet you. His avoidance and refusal to see you was intentional, your punishment for daring to speak up when he was bitching out Billy and then ignoring him. In hindsight, you should have kept your mouth shut and minded your own business. But that was the past, and there was nothing you could do to change it. Now you just had to eat crow and make amends so you could move on with your fucking life.

After another twenty minutes of waiting in Alistair’s home office, he walked in. His slow gait, supported by the ebony walking stick, may have made him look weak and fragile – but it was a ruse. This man was brutal and ruthless, and you couldn’t afford to forget that.

“Such a surprise to find you here.” His tone was cold as ice as he took a seat across from you. Obviously he wasn’t just going to get to the point, he wanted to put you through the wringer for talking back to him.

“I apologize for ignoring your calls after the party.”

His disapproval was evident, his tone dripping with scorn. “Yes. You did that, didn’t yo?”

Maybe he expected you to beg and plead for his forgiveness but that wasn’t your style. Besides, he’d be ecstatic at the reason you were here. “We both know this arrangement hasn’t worked out like we hoped.”

“Indeed.”

“So it’s best that we cut our losses and move on, don’t you think? I’ll happily sign the divorce papers as soon as you can get your lawyers to draw them up.”

Alistair simply stared at you, no emotions on his face. “I suppose you expect the same payment of $5 Million?”

You cocked your eyebrow. “I deserve more for putting up with your asshole grandson, but I’ll settle for $3 Million instead.” Frankly, you were willing to walk away with nothing but Alistair didn’t need to know that.

“It hasn’t even been a year of marriage and you expect more than half the amount?”

“I’m willing to negotiate.”

A cold smile fell on his lips, and it made the hair stand on the back of your neck. “There will be no negotiation. You will stay married to him, as agreed upon, for a period of three years. Nothing more, nothing less.”

You stared at him dumbfounded. Was he fucking with you? You thought he’d jump at the offer. The most pushback you expected was about the divorce settlement, but it never occurred to you he’d force you to stay married. No, absolutely fucking not. “You can find someone else to punish your grandson.”

“I’ve already spent considerable time sourcing you. That was enough.”

“I’m not the kind of woman who follows orders, Alistair. I’m trouble. I fight back. And you don’t want that, you want someone who obeys. So there’s no need to prolong this bullshit arrangement.”

Alister raised his eyebrow, drawing your attention to the uncanny family resemblance that existed in the Russo family. “You will do as I say when I say it. You will be at my beck and call and ready to do my bidding.” A cold sneer settled over his lips, like he was enjoying this.

Disgusted, you stood up. “I’m not your fucking servant.”

“Sit down, cunt!”

The stark hatred in his voice stunned you frozen. His face was red with anger, his dark eyes flashing with pure vitriol. “You think I’ll let some dirty whore belittle me and get away with it?” He shook his head ‘no’. “You’re nothing. Less than nothing. A fucking cotton-picker. The only reason you’re here is to knock some sense into my goddamn grandson. So you’ll do your fucking part and you’ll behave. And if you don’t, I’ll make sure you and your dirty pack of monkeys pay.”

His racist tirade shouldn’t have been a surprise. You dealt with microaggressions your entire life but to have it be so explicitly thrown in your face, that too by someone whose life you saved in the operating room – that was a bitter pill too swallow.

A deceptive calm settled over you. “You will regret this, Alistair.”

His demeaning smile was like salt on your wounds. “We’ll see.”

You watched after him as he made his way out of the room.

***

Calvin was on his phone, sitting up in bed next to you. Sheets were gathered around his waist, his chest bare. It was almost a year since you saw him last and in that time he’d gotten more buff. That was definitely a pleasant surprise. Smiling, you snuggled up to him and he squeezed your arm in return.

It was so easy with him. It always was. The relationship, the sex, the friendship. Even the fickin’ breakup in college had been smooth. That’s because Calvin didn’t play games. He wasn’t romantic or thoughtful – or faithful - but you knew exactly where you stood with him and that’s what mattered the most. Besides, you weren’t looking to be in a committed relationship. The no strings thing worked for you and satisfied all of your expectations, and you were happy with it.

"Still can’t believe you’re married.”

Calvin’s words brought you out of your reverie. “It’s a marriage of convenience. Nothing more.”

“Who does that shit these days?”

You scoffed. “Like you would’ve said no.”

“Maybe not but I’d be worried. What if I ended up with a psycho? Or some ugly hag?”

“Oh no, not that,” you deadpanned.

He gathered you in his arms. “That’s a guy’s worst nightmare. Stuck with an ugly wife.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Hey, it’s not like I called you ugly.”

“Yeah, I’m so lucky.”

He laughed, hugging you tightly. “No, it’s Billy Russo who’s lucky. He could’ve gotten stuck with pure ghetto trash. Instead he got a queen like you.”

You grimaced, hearing Billy's name but Calvin didn't seem to notice. Instead he angled forward to kiss you as your mind dwelled on his words. As flattering as they were, the Russos didn’t share the sentiment. To them you were nothing, less than that. And there was no way you'd stay connected to them.

Despite Alistair's threats, you were going to find a way out.

***

“What do you think?” Calvin asked.

The two of you were out for dinner at a new restaurant Calvin was excited to try. He was supposed to leave yesterday but had extended his trip, which you were originally happy about. Unfortunately Calvin’s finance bro side was out in full-force and he was trying to sell you on some stocks.

You studied the financial records in front of you, trying to focus. While you could easily get through pages and pages of anatomy and physiology textbooks, finance was never your thing. But even you understood that the return in your investments Calvin was promising seemed too good to be true. “I’m not sure. I need time to think.” Which meant Ritu, one of your closest friends and a genius at this stuff, would be vetting the records for you.

“What? You don’t trust me?” The same dazzling smile that hooked your attention from the moment you met graced his face. “Think I’m hustling you?” He winked.

You shut the folder, biting down on your bottom lip. “Not making any deals when I’m hungry.”

He laughed, dragging the menu closer to him. “What do you want to eat?” You were still deciding when he spoke next. “How about lobster? Been craving it.”

You shook your head, not at all surprised. “Sure. Been dying for an anaphylactic shock.”

“Shit. I forgot you’re allergic.”

“You always do.”

“But I mean, I can have it. Right? It’s not like you’re going to start wheezing if it’s on the table.”

You sighed, shaking your head. They had this conversation every few years, because Calvin couldn’t bother to remember the details. Which was another reason why he was a friend and nothing more. “You can have it. I just won’t kiss you for the next few hours.”

“Oh, it’s like that?”

His eyes twinkled with mischief as he leaned down to give you soft, staccato kisses on your lips. “Totally,” you murmured, kissing him back.

“Technically we don’t need to kiss to fuck,” he murmured.

You pushed him away, giggling. “Or maybe you can go fuck yourself.”

He laughed, nodding at the waiter to get his attention. After the two of you put in your orders, his phone rang. “I have to take this.” Calvin slid out of the cozy booth and headed outside, leaving you alone.

Out of boredom, you started flipping through the statements again. Like that wasn’t bad enough, you took a sip of his bourbon to see if you’d acquired a taste for it. Immediately you put it down. Nope, absolutely not. You hated the stuff. Swallowing the liquid, you were about to reach for a glass of water when a familiar face slid into your booth. Immediately you froze.

Billy.

Eyes bloodshot, face weary, fatigue marked his features like he hadn’t slept in weeks. His beard was a bit fuller, not as neatly trimmed, and hair a bit longer. The scruffed-up look should have been a deterrent to his good looks but it proved to be the opposite. Even in his green bomber jacket and casual get-up, he looked like a GQ model.

Your heart pounded in your chest, you wanted to bolt. But you didn’t. Because running would mean he affected you and he absolutely didn’t. Not anymore. You learned your lesson from your last encounter with him.

“Disappointed to see me alive?”

Your voice was calm and steady, just like your heart would soon be. “Couldn’t care less actually.”

His molten eyes narrowed onto your face. “I went through hell to come home but you weren’t there. The place was empty.”

You swirled the liquid around in the glass before taking a sip again. This time you were numb to the bitter taste.

“Anita said you moved out weeks ago.”

Your gaze lifted to meet his. “What do you want, Billy?”

“We need to talk.”

“About?”

His eyebrow quirked up in surprise. Maybe he was expecting tears or some kind of angry showdown, but you were prepared to give him nothing.

“You’re pissed at me,” he said after a few seconds of silence.

“No. Why would I be?”

He paused, peering at you closely. “How I left Curtis’s wedding, I want to explain-”

“There’s no need.” Head tilted to the side, you casually ran fingers through your hair. “It doesn’t matter and I don’t really care.”

“Bullshit.” His dark eyes bore into yours, trying to forge some kind of connection. “You care. That’s why you’re here.” His head nudged in the direction of the door. “With that fuckhead.”

Rage rushed through you like wildfire but you refused to give into the chaos. He didn’t deserve any kind of emotional outbursts from you. He deserved nothing. Leveling him with a fixed gaze, which took all of your resolve, you responded in a steady tone. “Don’t insult my friends.”

“Yeah but he’s not just a friend, is he? He’s more than that. You’re fucking him!” He gritted through clenched teeth.

You leaned back in your seat. “And how is that any of your business?”

“Say it. Admit that you’re fucking him.”

Pure menace laced his voice but underneath the danger you also sensed hurt, like he was in pain – and you didn’t understand why, you couldn’t wrap your mind around it. He was the one who humiliated you. He’s the one who walked away. And now he was here demanding answers like he had a right to you or something. Fuck that. You weren’t going to play this game with him.

You crossed your elbows, straightening your back.

Two months ago you opened yourself up to him, letting him in a way you rarely had with anyone else. Despite all your reservations about his behaviour, despite your insecurities. You used to think you could trust your instincts about people because they never guided you wrong. Your instincts screamed Billy was safe, that he could be trusted, that he wouldn’t hurt you - and then you were swiftly proven wrong when he absolutely shattered you.

You hated him. Despised him. Because of him, you could no longer trust yourself and you could never forgive him for that.

And he would never know anything about you again or how you felt. He’d never have that power over you again. “What I do with Calvin, if I fuck him, how I fuck him, when I fuck him – none of that concerns you, Billy.”

Suddenly he reached across the table, grasping your face, the desperation in his eyes startling you. “You’re my goddamn wife!”

Voice exposing none of your tumultuous emotions, you wrung his hand away from your face. “On paper. That’s all. And only because your grandfather promised me the good life.”

He didn’t release his grip on you, his fingers intertwined with yours. “In the beginning, yeah. But things changed.”

You gave him a perfectly perfunctory smile that belied all the anger and hurt swirling through you. “Nothing changed.”

Billy squeezed your fingers. “Don’t lie to me.”

You shrugged your shoulders. “Once a golddigger, always a golddigger. We don’t change our ways.”

“What’s going on here?” Calvin asked.

Shit.

His return caught you by surprise, you totally forgot about him. Immediately you retracted your hand from Billy while Calvin’s eyes wandered from you to him. His return was a blessing in disguise because he distracted Billy, giving you the opportunity to compose yourself. You could still feel the heat of Billy’s touch on your skin, like he’d branded you permanently. You wanted to cut him out, out of your life, out of your mind, out of every crevice in your soul he’d managed to sneak into and embed himself.

“Is everything okay?” Calvin asked, looking at you.

“Everything’s fine.” You gave him your most flirtatious smile before casting a quick glance at Billy. “You’re interrupting our date. Please leave.”

Billy leaned back in his seat, still watching you intently before a sneer curved his lips. Finally he shifted his focus to Calvin, the snide smile on his face growing more prominent. A smug prick through and through, and you wanted to slap the smirk off his face.

Not one to back down from a fight, Calvin stared back at him. “She asked you to leave.”

Billy snickered, amused. You expected him to be a little intimidated by Calvin’s muscular frame but he didn’t seem the least bit threatened, irking you. His gaze finally returned to you, his hands sliding into the pockets of his bomber jacket. Only few minutes earlier he was playing the part of jilted lover, and now he was right back to being the entitled asshole that he really was.

“I fucked up before, so this right here?” He drew a circle in the air with his fingers. “I’ll give you a pass for this fuckface. But it ends here. Tonight.”

“Who the fuck you think you’re talking to?” Calvin roared, taking a step toward Billy.

You grabbed Calvin’s arm. He was ready for a fight but Billy remained seated, grinning, like he was enjoying this. “Ignore him,” you urged Calvin.

“This one needs a tighter leash, sweetheart,” Billy taunted.

Seeing that Calvin was about to pounce, you pulled him into the booth to sit beside you. Snuggling closer to Calvin, you linked your hand with his. “Go away. You’re not wanted here.”

Billy’s attention shifted from you to Calvin. In an instant his smarminess was gone, replaced with a sinister expression that made the hair stand up on the back of your neck. “End things with my wife. Tonight.” The quietness of his voice contradicted the full malice in his tone. “Because if I see you with her again?” He slid out of the booth in one fluid motion, rising to his full height. His stature was foreboding, his words hostile. “I’ll kill you.”

He swaggered away as quickly as he appeared, leaving you and Calvin watching after him.

“You should’ve let me take a swing at him,” Calvin griped.

You scooted away to put some distance between you and him. Your throat felt dry, your nerves on edge. Seeing Billy again, talking to him, it unleased all of the emotions you’d buried after he left you. You swigged back a glass of water.

“Thought you said he was cool with everything. Why was he being a punk then?”

You rubbed your temple, closing your eyes. “Because he’s bored and this is a game to him.”

“Do I have to worry about this asshole?”

You turned to look at him. “Of course not. Someone else will come along to distract him.”

“Are you sure?” Calvin asked.

“Yes,” you said with certainty. Spotting the server bringing food your way, you bit down on your lip. “Can we grab this to go? I just want to go back to the hotel room.”

“Thought you were hungry.”

You sighed. “I lost my appetite.”

***

The moment you and Calvin returned to his room, you jumped him. Kissing him roughly, grinding your hips against his. You needed to forget every trace of Billy and Calvin could do that for you. His mouth claimed yours, his body holding you down on the bed. You closed your eyes, letting the pleasure take over.

You needed this, you needed him.

Because losing yourself was the only way to get Billy out of your mind.

***

Few days later you returned to the Airbnb you were staying at. Eventually Alistair would force you to return to the penthouse but until then you were doing short-term rentals. After coming back from the wedding, you couldn’t stand to live in the same place you shared with Billy. So you’d grabbed a bunch of your clothes and necessities and found somewhere else to stay. The one-bedroom condo was definitely not on the same level as the penthouse, but you liked it. It was small and cozy and had everything you needed.

You glanced down at your phone. Still no texts from Calvin. You were supposed to meet him for dinner at Carbone but he hadn’t showed up. That in itself wasn’t surprising. He had a tendency to forget plans or run late most of the time, but usually he texted. Oh well.

You flicked on the light switch in the kitchen but nothing happened. Great. You’d have to contact the host to get the bulb replaced. Walking over to the cabinet, you reached up to grab a glass and strolled over to the fridge to get some water.

You were almost done with the drink when you felt a strange sensation sweep through you. Like you weren’t alone in the apartment. Like you were being watched.

You paused. Knives were two cabinets over. Too far. But you had a glass in your hand.

“Miss me, sweetheart?”

Billy. His low, raspy voice was coming from behind you.

You took a slow, deep breath and then whirled around to attack him.

To be continued...

A/N - As always, thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. Feedback keeps me going and I appreciate every comment and reblog you guys throw my way.

Next chapter - we'll finally get Billy's POV :)

#billy russo x reader #billy russo #ben barnes #the punisher #grudgingly yours #my fics

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bandaidpennylane · 29 days

Text

Who the hell does this raging lunatic think she is? Does she think she owns Pamela Courson? That she is the only one who has a right to post her? Get outta here! What is it about people writing books about Pam that makes them go fucking bonkers? First Patricia Butler. That one wrote Angels Dance Angels Die. Now we have this unhinged lunatic, who named her spider Pamela. Should we be so surprised? 🤦‍♀️

There's a reason why your Facebook page is a flop. 4 thousand followers after 15-20 years of "research." 🤭 You should have never abandoned your Tumblr page. 🤷‍♀️ It was a bit more successful with followers. But seriously lady, being an unhinged lunatic for 20 years doesn't help your reputation. How's that book going? Still can't get any publisher to publish it huh. 🤭 People don't like you Raeanne. This goes way back to the years on the Lizard Lounge where you attacked everyone. You were as crazy then as you are now. The only reason you have 4,000 Facebook followers is because people are interested in the photos you post. They don't follow you because they like you. In actuality, your followers despise you. Even the people who kiss your ass. If only you knew what they say behind your back.🤭 It shouldn't come to you as a surprise. You caused the divide and hatred. Your vitriol over the years has damaged Pamela's memory. You hold pictures hostage. You tag pictures you don't own. But you paid $900 for them! Of course you own them! That's not how it works and you know that's not how it works! You buy prints. Not the ownership of those photos! I could buy those same photos for $400-$900. The difference is I wouldn't tag them like you do because I'm not an asshole like you. The way you use to tag the Themis photos was gross. You absolute lunatic. Then you have a fit when people point out your behavior! 20 years! 20 fucking years Raeanne! Waaaah! I'm mad! You post my photos! Waaah you post ugly photoshops! Waaaah! I'm going to close my page! 🙄 Please do. Close it. Once and for all just close it. If it brings you peace of mind, just fucking close it. The way you rage about photoshopped photos of Pam but you posted a whole ass ridiculous set of AI images of her. 🤔 Guess what that makes you? A hypocrite with zero AI skills. 🤷‍♀️ I doubt you will close your page permanently. You love the ass kissing too much to quit it, even if it's coming from people who despise you. This is like the 10th time you quit. 🤭 But seriously lady, get some real help. Stop raging online and attacking other Pam fans. Do you know how pathetic you come across? 20 years of this vitriolic behavior. Close your page and self publish that stupid book of yours. Enough is enough!

A humorous and ironic update. Raeanne replied to a follower who basically called her out for her shitty AI Pam pictures. 😁🤌

It looks like Raeanne deleted some of Melissa's comments leaving just this one. I don't know who you are Melissa Owens but thank you. The hypocrisy and unhinged audacity coming from this bitch. Thank you!

It's been 48 hours and this bitch hasn't deleted her page. Of course she hasn't. 🥱

Yet another update! It gets more and more ridiculously entitled the more she speaks out. We are brats for posting photos of Pam!!! How dare other writers don't credit them!!!! They are ripping them off! How dare them!!! We are an epidemic of entitled brats!!! 😁🤭😄

Go fuck yourself Raeanne. You been eating out of your own ass for far too long. You have crossed every line of decency. Get help you crazy bitch! 🫣

#pamela courson #jim morrison #This bitch has had it coming for 20 years

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vasito-de-leche · 1 month

Note

Hiii! I hope you’re doing well!! I’m just wondering if i could request some yandere Forget Me Not headcannons? If not, some general romantic hcs would be fine!

That said, don’t overwork yourself and feel free to decline this if you feel like it!

;R1999 FORGET ME NOT - Yandere Headcanons

Compilation of headcanons about Forget Me Not as a Yandere.

I am doing well, ty for asking! and ty for the yandere request, I love writing this type of stuff <3

warning for yandere content and everything it entails. as well as self-harm and suicide themes

Forget Me Not as a Yandere would be pretty standard, I think─at least from the beginning.

I want to say that his lack of experience and proper, healthy examples when it comes to relationships and interpersonal skills is the basis of his Yandere profile: he's hindered by even more twisted impulses and intrusive thoughts, and thus would cling even HARDER to his self-imposed restraints because the stakes are higher now. The consequences would be even more severe should he lose control.

From an outsider's point of view, perhaps he appears to be meaner than usual, there's more bite behind his words as opposed to his elegant way of serving backhanded compliments. While those who spend more time with him would notice that he's unbelievably tense and high-strung. Essentially, it's the same fight between indulgence and restraint that I've been portraying in previous FMN posts, only ramped up to 200%.

The thing about Forget Me Not as a Yandere is that he would be extremely malleable and reactive to his darling. He's so very easy to influence, for better and for worse─the attention he pays to every single detail about you, your habits, your gestures and every little "tell", borders on predatory. It's very ironic, the way he can't understand his own feelings nor thoughts but he actually can read you crystal clear, that he may know you better than you know yourself. The dynamic of your relationship would be determined in your first interactions with him, and it AAAAAALL depends on you. But it's not as binary as who gets to be the "dominant" party and who gets to be the "submissive" party!

When I say Forget Me Not is malleable, I mean it.

In the context of entering a relationship with him, yes, there is the chance that, if you show any signs of "submission" (a more timid and meek personality) Forget Me Not will take advantage of it to the fullest─either through force, coercion or manipulation. We all know he's not below playing dirty and acting to get what he wants, after all. And there is also the chance that, if you show the opposite (a more stubborn and combative personality, to go against him whenever possible) that he will meet you with as much vitriol as you show him, or that he will become even more obsessed with making you submit to him, to blur both love and hatred together as mentioned before. You know, all these classics traits in Yandere content!

But the secret third option is that, if you play your cards right, he will be at your absolute mercy as well.

You can play the exact same mind games he plays and have him eating out of the palm of your hand. After all, he's just looking for ANY excuse and justification to unravel and let loose─you taking the reigns is just as good as him taking the lead. At the end of the day, as long as he gets your undivided attention, the dynamic doesn't matter. We're talking about a guy who pretends to be a poised gentleman and a functional member of society. A cowardly snake who doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions and would absolutely prefer to double down on his awful behaviour and then die at the end than think of apologizing to a single person.

This guy? As a Yandere? Yeah, he will adapt to you, but he will also allow you to manipulate him if you have the courage to reach out and tug at his leash, to take advantage of his obsession. I would even go as far to say that THIS outcome would be the best one for him, as it means that he doesn't have to take responsibility for his own life: that burden is now on you, you own him now. Good luck!

For this post, I'll talk about this secret third option since it's the most interesting in my opinion!

I'm not sure how to format my headcanons and thoughts properly, so I'll do something new and rate the general Yandere traits I think are relevant for him! Obsessiveness is one I specifically left out because it's the most basic requirement for Yandere characters, it feels unnecessary to discuss it. That shit must be cranked up to the highest setting or else there's no Yandere in the first place!

Possessive: ✦✦✦✧✧✧

In this context, he perceives his life to belong to you and only you─the nuance of the situation and whether it gets worse or a better for him are up to you, there's literally endless possibilities─and so it makes sense for him to be possessive, but not in the traditional sense that we're used to, so to say?

Because one of the important aspects of Forget Me Not as a character is the self-loathing. To me, this is one of the few core aspects that must remain in every AU or iteration for him to feel in-character. He's defined by revenge, self-loathing and a delusional mind. And it's this self-loathing that leads Forget Me Not into a very, very insecure mindset─because he's fully aware that YOU could aim for a better lifestyle, a better partner, someone who wants what's best for you instead of wanting to drag you down, deeper and deeper into the mess that is his life. Of course, this is something he won't allow now that you've so gracefully let him latch onto your side like a parasite, but it's a possibility that will continue to haunt him forever.

And so, he's possessive of your ownership and control over him, what he perceives to be the bond that ties you to him or viceversa. It's not quite "You're mine, and no one else's", it's more of a "I'm yours, and no one else's".

No matter what you do to him, he will remain by your side. The idea of you favouring someone else, or choosing to be with someone else and keep him by the sidelines, well, it will ruin him, of course! But Forget Me Not has been waiting for the other shoe to drop his whole life, and so NOTHING you can do can convince him to leave or do anything to "get back at you" in a direct way─aside from manipulating the world to leave you behind instead, perhaps. I like to think he'd still be a pretty pathetic, soggy and miserable guy. Desperate to prove to you that he's going to stay no MATTER what you do or say to him.

It's fine if you hate him, it's fine if you love him. But at the end of the day, you should at appreciate his loyalty and treasure him. Forget Me Not wants YOU to be the possessive one, to want him despite how awful he is, all while accepting the fact that you will never truly be his, because he doesn't deserve you.

Not to say that you keep the guy on a literal leash 24/7, of course! But to if you were to flirt with someone else in front of him, chances are Forget Me Not won't move a single finger. He would stay there, glaring daggers at the perpetrator, and then whine and guilt trip you into paying attention to him. But if someone were to flirt with him instead, he would be pretty ruthless in his rejection, proud and loudly declaring who he belongs to.

Perhaps it would be better to describe him as clingy instead? I think as indulgent as Forget Me Not can be when it comes to his vices, being by your side would be his utmost priority in this context. He won't follow you around like a lost puppy like other characters might do, but he would instead pull a few strings here and there behind the scenes to ensure you always happen to be within his line of sight.

Actually, now that I'm thinking, Forget Me Not as a Yandere would have EXTREME separation issues. This guy would ABSOLUTELY be the type to watch you sleep, because he just can't fathom the idea of being, what, 8 hours away from you? All of this being tied to his anxieties and codependency. I don't see him being very vocal about his love for you, or if he is then the sort of shit he spouts could easily be misinterpreted as thinly veiled threats, or just self-affirmations for himself.

Delusional: ✦✦✦✦✦✦

I'm giving him full points in this section because aside from the aforementioned anxieties, paranoia and self-loathing that gets him to be so, so very miserable, Forget Me Not is pretty much Delusional with a capital D.

Regardless of the path that led you to him and this situation, Forget Me Not would cling onto the fact that you currently own his heart, his mind and his entire life─this OBVIOUSLY means, in his book at least, that you care or love him just enough to take on such a burden. It's pretty much everything I discussed up until now mixed into one big cocktail of delusion and desperation. There's no takebacksies now!

Regardless of your treatment of him, Forget Me Not wholeheartedly believes that you love him to some degree, and that is more than enough for him to fuel his delusions, to overthink every action and every gesture as an act of love. He can still read you like an open book, he knows whenever you're nervous, whenever you're scared, whenever you get angry at him─how else can one explain such reactions, if love isn't at the center of it all? If you didn't love him, you would treat him with indifference, you would discard him like a broken toy!

Of course, if you WERE to treat him with indifference or attempt to discard him and get him out of your life, he would just find more and more ways to come back, to twist your words and their meaning to something that fits his narrative, to worm his way into your life the same way you've done, worming into his own heart. There's no point in trying to make sense of his logic, there is none, it's just the nonsensical, lovestruck fantasy he's built for himself.

Whether you kick him in the mouth or hold him close to you, the only truth Forget Me Not will stand for is your love for him.

But I think it would be fun if this is something he only made known to you? To the outside world, he makes them believe what they want to believe, make whatever assumption about your relationship with him─the muddier the truth becomes for the rest, the easier it is for him to trap and isolate you. Forget Me Not has a talent for acting, to play every unassuming role required for whatever schemes he's got under his sleeve, he might be a pathetic, desperate excuse of a man, kneeling and clinging onto you, but he still retains his cunning mind when it matters. And when you're not around to cloud his vision, he's dangerous.

No matter what others might think, Forget Me Not would find a way to profit─it doesn't matter if your best friend has an inkling about the true nature of your relationship, he will capitalize on it to ensure they remain far, far away from helping you escape. If your coworkers or classmates or what have you believe you two are an odd couple? Then that's what you two are! It's not like they know any better!

Forget Me Not knows more than anyone that there is no fighting the perception of others. There is a group of humans who simply decided he was the Devil himself, based entirely on his heritage rather than his actions. So he plays his part and lets their own biases do their thing, easy.

In that same vein, if you've indulged or pampered him a lot, then he would be more ready to believe anything you say. Sure, Forget Me Not knows that you may lie to him, you might've done that already many times before, but how can he say no when you've been so sweet to him lately?

Manipulative: ✦✦✦✦✦✦

You know what. Self-explanatory, I don't even have to ramble about this because I've talked about how manipulative Forget Me Not is in pretty much all of his posts. He rarely chooses direct confrontations,

I'm inclined to believe that he would only do so in extreme situations, and even so, he would only dirty his hands and confront whatever obstacles in his path─but confronting you? He's too much of a coward, he would never dream of confronting you without ensuring that you will deliver the answer and reaction he seeks, out of fear of hearing the truth from your own lips. I insist, he's not afraid of digging himself into his own grave with his schemes and manipulations if it means maintaining this whole status quo.

So, instead let me talk about how you can manipulate him instead, to level the field a little!

Physical touch in any way is the easiest way to force Forget Me Not to listen. From pulling on his hair to caressing his cheek─I don't think he will ever get used to having you touch him. Again, he thrives with whatever you throw at him, so it's up to you to choose.

I think lying to him and getting away with it is very difficult. In fact, if you think you've successfully lied to him, it's probably because he decided to let you believe he's none the wiser. so instead you would have to appeal to his emotional side. It's as easy as bringing up the whole ownership/possessive aspect, any reminder that he's all yours is enough to get Forget Me Not to comply after some minimum reluctance and pushback from him. It doesn't matter if you're guilt tripping him or threatening him, he thinks it's so romantic that you would go out of your way to reassure him of his position.

Sadism ✦✦✧✧✧✧ / Masochism ✦✦✦✦✧✧

Lately, I've been seeing Yandere content being slowly portrayed as a watered down version of what it used to be, like, to call a character who is just possessive a Yandere and that's it.

But I'm a fan of dark content, and to theorize about everything that comes with these themes─this includes physical harm, something that people are more sensitive towards, which is fair and I understand if this isn't everyone's cup of tea!

So far, most of the violence towards the reader has been emotional and psychological, with physical violence being directed instead to third parties. Here, there will be discussions of potential physical violence towards the reader and Forget Me Not.

That's why this section is at the bottom, so that you can opt out of it!

Something I forgot to bring up directly is the themes of idealization and religious parallels when it comes to the way Forget Me Not interprets his relationship with you.

Despite all these things, he still considers you way above him, a holy figure deserving of everything he can offer─so I don't think he would be physically abusive nor be threatening in this way either. He finds zero pleasure in the idea of physically harming you, and would very much prefer to chip away at your mental stability and vulnerability by hurting himself. Hell, he would prefer to have YOU hurt him instead, to have physical proof of your influence on his body. It aligns perfectly with his self-loathing. If you could scrape off all of his scales with your nails and replace when with the scars you leave him, he would be so, so very grateful.

Or to have you pluck his scales off one by one as punishment, he would absolutely love that. I think that, in those days in which he cannot tolerate nor deal with himself, when he cannot drown his sorrows in alcohol, he would become an active nuisance for the very small and off chance that you lash out at him. It's very cathartic to him.

This post focuses on a very specific outcome of the whole Yandere situation with Forget Me Not, but even so, I believe that every other version in every other situation would still have Forget Me Not being more of a masochist than a sadist. At least when talking about his darling. Given the type of person that he is and all, he would still prefer more mental games.

#reverse 1999 #reverse 1999 x reader #reverse 1999 forget me not #forget me not #yandere #this feels a little like yandere x yandere #but thats partially bc FMN is a fucking freak #phew i think i got the whole dark content for FMN stuff out of my system now

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