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jaeminscoffee · 3 years

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Knee highs and short skirts | N. Jm

Pairing- Na Jaemin x reader

Genre- Smut, fluff, college!au

Word count- 3.82k

Warning(s)- nsfw, softdom!Jaemin, pretty pwp, corruption kink, slight voyeurism? (they make out in public) possessiveness, dacryphilia (getting aroused by one crying or sobbing), fingering (for prep), unprotected sex (play it safe y'all this is a fiction), slightly inexperienced?reader, unintentional overstimulation (unintentional LMAOO), pretty filthy i say. Lyra back at it with smuts lol

Synopsis- It was hard to imagine that all it took was skirts and high knee socks and cute little jumpy girls for Jaemin to get highly turned on, but here we are.

Type- requested!

@kpopscape

It was hard to imagine that all it took was skirts and high knee socks and cute little jumpy girls for Jaemin to get highly turned on.

Watching you as you entered the campus had always been a sort of daily serotonin boost for Jaemin. More like, watching you smile and wave at every passing acquaintance regardless of the fact whether you spoke with them or not was a serotonin boost for Jaemin. You were extremely intriguing.

You're a jolly person, an extreme extrovert, shy at first glance of course but nevertheless outgoing, you'd had little to no problem at all at making friends. Your close ones called you the human magnet and most would agree to it. Could you help it? Company is always better than being alone (unless preferred to be alone).

The first time Jaemin saw you was when you came into the campus first bumping into not his, but a very pissed Jeno's back in a very cliché way which resulted in him accidentally pour out his anger on you, which led to Jaemin having to find you later in the day to apologize on Jeno's behalf. That experience had a very interesting impression on the two lads, well, a not too positive impression on Jeno but the opposite for Jaemin.

The next time Jaemin saw you was in his philosophy class, and god bless you and your perfect complexion complimenting all your curves and edges and oh of course, that cute black and white knee high socks that you wore with a skirt a little too short for him to stay sane and a sweatshirt loose enough to give you adorable sweater paws. That's when wanting to see you on a daily basis became Jaemin's sole reason to attend college.

The next time was weeks into talking to each other, getting comfortable to a point where you went over to each other's house, exchanged numbers, went on small platonic dates and where your friendship started to turn into a touchy one, and you absolutely loved it. Well, Jaemin loved it more than you. Watching your face flush when he'd place his hands comfortably a little too close to there on your thigh had him feel sorts of emotions he's never felt. How your eyes would widen each time he'd place playfull kisses on your cheeks, or when he pulled you onto his lap to cuddle up closer when watching a movie or two, Jaemin lived for your reaction.

Weeks after that was at a small dinner send off party of sort by one of your friends for the senior batch, where seeing you in a white body fitting turtleneck full sleeve with a grey skirt consisting of blue hue with a plain white knee high sock had him crave you more than before. When the occasional touches and kisses turned into a form of self destruction for Jaemin and those longing touches turned into a want to take it up a notch.

And maybe it's the fact that Jaemin genuinely seemed intriguing to you, or the slight intoxicity you felt after a glass of not that strong of drink went down your throat, making you want to comply with everything Jaemin wanted. The expression he wore of pure bliss and satisfaction had you feeling proud of yourself. Like you're doing the right thing, like standing in a hallway beside your classmates bedroom with his hands around your waist in a vise grip, face inches away from colliding into a passionate kiss where anyone could bump into you two was a right thing to do. Like not caring about the all 'good mean no bad' girl image you'd formed to fade away in front of your classmates and probably next the entire campus was the right thing to do.

The next time, well, this moment right now when you went over with him to his studio apartment hand in hand after evening lectures, it had been nearly impossible for Jaemin to keep his hands to himself. How your lips pucker into a pout complaining about all the workload you have, how you jump up in excitement at the sudden strike of another topic you want to discuss with him, or how you seemed so dreamy in general and all Jaemin could do was stare at you with an expression of pure admiration, desire and want to change the whole innocent image you held.

"so Mr. Li asked him to-ah!" and all he could do was pull you onto his lap with his hand on your hip to hold you up in place and unintentionally cut your sweet voice's narration short, but he wanted to hear you more, "I'm listening, doll. Keep going" he cooed at your flushed expression at the sudden proximity, pulling you closer to connect you two by the hip, tapping at your now exposed thighs as your skirt had ridden up at the shift in position to urge you to step out of your daze and continue speaking.

"What.-what are you doing, Jaem?" you ask, resting your hands on his chest as you push yourself a little back to create some space, clearly astonished at the sudden spark of something at the area between your sock clad legs, only to be pulled back closer towards him once again.

"Something I've wanted to do for a long time, keep going, baby, I'll just be doing my thing" and so you let your hand rest on his chest while continuing your story as he looked intently at you.

Being in such proximity with Jaemin had never been a new thing, it's how no matter how many times you'd see him up close you'd still can't look him straight in the eyes for more than a few seconds because of how strong his gaze is that would have you flustered. Ever since the said party, your first proper kiss and Jaemin's first step to calling you his, you wanted to stick around him and just him. You felt like yourself around him and he made you feel so loved that you were willing to let him do anything just to have him around.

In Jaemin's case, it was that he'd not move forward with his plans if he'd noticed the slightest of discomfort in any of your actions, fearing that you'd leave him once and for all before he could even call you his. And so in that way, you two did what pleased the others the best.

Smiling at how you slowly got comfortable with his warmth, he leaned forward, slightly startling you but you nevertheless continued speaking, "Show his homework to him, b-but he couldn't because the only co-opy he had.." you squeal in a breath as you feel his breath fan your exposed neck, courtesy of wearing a slightly deep V-neck to college and of course to the hangout that day, "Had..?"

Jaemin rasped in a voice a little too low to what you're used to hearing, dangerously low that you felt yourself squirming under his grip, which elicits a groan from the male. Not knowing the weightage of your action, you accidentally end up doing it again as his plush lips come in contact with the sensitive skin. "H-had was.. mine-"

"Mine, a pretty word, right doll?" The feeling of his lip moving against your skin was ticklish to describe the best, but good, good enough to have keeping your legs closed uncomfortable from the sudden pool of arousal that bedded itself in your foolishly white panties. "Yes..?" you answer with a shaky voice, moving once again to get rid of the said uncomfortable feeling which resulted in Jaemin throwing his head back to rest on the head rest of the couch, his perfect eyebrows furrowed into a frown, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down.

"Darling, if you keep moving like this, i won't be able to stop myself from doing what all I've imagined doing to you," he spoke with the same low voice of his, which had you unintentionally moving regardless of the empty warning that lingered in the air. That's when you notice the visible switch in the way Jaemin looked at you. Determined to carry this forward and put an end to the friends title to develop into a whole new one.

"What you've imagined doing to me? W-wha-?" you let the question linger, not really expecting an answer when he looked at you with a smirk on his perfect lips. He let one of his hands off from your side to comb through your perfectly set hair while the other wrapped around your torso to keep you upright.

"Should i tell you what I've imagined?" Surely fueled by desire, Jaemin still counted on your consent, basic etiquette and he wouldn't let it go down the drain just because of his lust. The silent look of curiosity gave it away that you really wanted to walk through the dream boys imagination, so you nod your head. "Words, darling. I need words"

Looking at him patiently waiting for your verbal confirmation, you swallow down the nervousness before looking him straight in the eyes with your own widened ones, "Y-yes."

"Hm, well, I imagined having you close to me, just like this, all responsive to everything I do."

"Then I imagined feeling that soft lips of yours once again, the one that I remember so vaguely. Will you let me taste it once again?" He asked, leaning in closer than what your bodies would allow, nevertheless feeling ecstatic at the effect he has on you. "Hm?" you could obviously not say no to the expression he wore, filled with excitement and expectations, happiness, desire and maybe.. love?

Instead of answering, you lean forward, closing off the small distance that kept your bodies from colliding, pressing your lips onto his with least force. The type of kiss got both of you feeling hot, bubbly as you feel Jaemin smile against your lips.

The kiss was a mix of aggression and passion, slow and fast, lust and innocent emotions, one strong enough to deliver all sorts of emotions and of course, sloppy out of desperation, "Still as sweet as ever," he speaks against your lips, beaming down at you with the same smile as you refuse to meet his gaze at the sudden shyness that overtook your desire.

Jaemin's hands slip up the open clothing to grip your thigh raw, the feeling of his cold fingers making you shift position again, looking down and cowering behind your palms as you shield your heated face from the lad, "What's wrong doll?" he moves his thumb up and down, massaging the skin he had his grip on, "Talk to me, princess, do you want me to stop?"

"No!.. I mean, n-no, it's just.. I've never done this before, ever" As though your usual behavior never gave it away that you're too innocent for anyone existing in the world, you confirm Jaemin's suspicion all the more, to which his smile only just widened, the burning desire to change the status if innocence way too strong for him to contain himself now, "I know, darling, I'll go slow, alright?"

At your nod of confirmation, he wastes no time to lift your shirt out of it's confinement inside your skirt and over your head to reveal a not so appealing bra, yet, Jaemin thought you looked absolutely exquisite in it. Just a plain white lace bra, a cherry on top to the innocent image you held that he oh so much wanted to destroy, "W-wait! Can.. C-can this..-nevermind," you sigh, not wanting to disappoint the boy in front of you at your insecurity, "Can what, baby?" you shake your head, "Tell me, love"

"Can..can the bra stay on.. Just this once..?" you ask in a soft voice as Jaemin notices your tiny gestures of an attempt to cover yourself a little, feeling a little too hot, "Do you want it to stay on?" he asks in a voice all too understanding, no signs on the disappointment you were worried about, you nod, "Then it stays on" he smiles before placing a chaste kiss at the valley of your chest and swiftly shifts you on his lap in a way that your back rest flat on his chest, a hand secured on your waist to hold you as close as possible.

You feel a sort of warmth spread through your body at Jaemin's understanding and non persistent behavior towards your request as you allow yourself to relax and go limp on his body, "Do you know how many times i've imagined this? You on my lap.." he moves his legs to break your legs apart, using his knees to spread them and hold them open, "All pretty and for me to touch," He attaches his lips to your neck once again with a better access this time as he lets his hands wander up and down your legs, the hand that held your waist moving down to bunch up your skirt and pull it up to reveal to leaking mess you'd become which made Jaemin twitch and you shy.

"All wet for me, and for me only" you whimper at his shameless words as his wandering hands move closer to your heat, cupping it as he felt up the wetness he'd caused to form there, a throaty groan escaping him while doing so as you feel yourself jump at the friction you got for a second at the place you needed it the most. The thought of someone other than you touching your sex causing your insides to twist, in the best way possible of course.

Jaemin resumed to feel up and down your wetness from over the fabric while still keeping his lips attached to your neck, just to make sure you were wet enough to take him, or better, his fingers.

"J-Jaemin..,"

You let out a loud moan feeling his fingers directly over your clit once he pushed you drenched panty aside, coating his fingers with your arousal before easing one slender digit in, causing your back to arch.

Way too sensitive and aroused, it was obvious you wouldn't be long until your first high, and Jaemin knew that all too well as he felt your tight walls clench over one little finger when he started pulsing it in and out of you and a steady pace, minding to not make it too much for you, though, that thought seemed highly appealing to him, but he'd rather save it for the next time.

"Does that feel good, my love? Because watching you look all angelic like this for me is what I'd imagined next" he speaks against your hair, as you try to close in your leg at the friction you're getting suddenly becoming overwhelming for you, added to that came in Jaemin's words, talks, voice laced in adoration and pure want. "Y-yes Jaem, oh god.. "

Silently moaning himself at your godly sounds, he continues penetrating you to your first ever not self made orgasm, eliciting a loud high pitched scream from your side at the very intimidating feeling at the bottom of your stomach, feeling it undo as Jaemin coaxes your first orgasm out of you,

"Just like that darling, you're doing so well, so good for me" he coos, wanting to drag your orgasm a little more, as he lowers his unoccupied hands to draw small, slow circles around your clit, making you spasm uncontrollably over him, feeling your eyes glaze over at the now painful feeling, you push his hands meekly away from your core,

Shocked over the fact that he got you to come for him with just a finger, he added another one in, muttering silent apologies at your sudden pleas for a break to make sure your stretched out enough for that upcoming activity, "Just a little more, my strong girl, just a little more," though sorry for dragging your orgasm, he felt himself get lost at your small sobs and tiny tears falling down the side of your face which he pecked away.

Increasing the speed of his hands, he presses his thumb over your extremely sensitive bundle of nerves once again, making your arch your back in a painful angle, the crown of your head resting on his shoulder as you shake your head at him, letting him know that it was getting too much for you to handle,

"Come for me once again, baby. We need to make sure you're prepared enough, hm? Can you do that for me?"

As if on command, you let yourself fall apart once again, a loud cry resonating through the room along with you crunching your legs up to stop the burning from the intense high, Jaemin whispering praises against your hair while running his hand up and down your forearm to soothe you. "You did so well, doll, want to stop here?" he inquired selflessly, not caring about the fact that he's extremely hard and it had taken a painful toll.

You take a second to calm your breathing as Jaemin patiently waits for your response. Making sure your breathing is normal again, you shake your head from it's position on his shoulder as he presses a kiss onto your wet cheeks, "You need to feel good too.." you speak with your eyes barely open, Jaemin smiling softly against your cheek, "Love."

You let out a sound of confusion at the random word blurted out by him as you turn your head to look at him, "Say the word 'love' if it gets too much for you, alright?" you nod, at no further actions from his side, you look at him once again, realising he's all about the verbal confirmation, "Alright.." you squeal out, "Turn around and sit facing me, doll" he hurries.

Jaemin rushes to remove his skinny jeans alongside his boxers when you lift yourself up, letting his member stand tall and free from confinement, making him feel like he can finally breathe. Slightly intrigued by the above average size, you look at him nervously which had his head turn at your innocent expression, "We'll take it slow, darling, nothing to hurt you, hm?" you nod before replying out loud.

He gestures for you to hover yourself above his hardness once he got the panties out of the way and discarded it somewhere out on the wooden floor of his housing. "Go for it whenever you're ready" wanting to give you full control of the pace for now, he let you take your time for your first ever time.

Chest heaving up and down in both excitement and nervousness you slowly lower yourself, knees beside his thighs, hands a vise grip on his shoulder, letting yourself engulf just a little of his member, you wince, still a little sensitive from the previous orgasms, his hardness much thicker and bigger than his fingers to just ease down quick despite how easy it'd be considering the wet mess he'd made of you, "Jaemin.. "

Contributing from his end, he pushes his hips up to get inside you a little more, not too fast for it to be painful for you. Slowly, you let yourself ease down on him completely, sitting down onto his lap with his dick inside of you, twitching at the warmth he finally felt. Jaemin hushes your silent cry of slight pain, "You feel so good around me, doll. Such a good girl for me, "

You take the initiative to lift yourself up just a little so that more than half of him is out and glistening from your arousal making him let out an airy moan of satisfaction, feeling your tightness, finally after only having imagined how it felt for so long.

You move up and down slowly, thighs trembling, heart pacing fast with pride at the feeling of making him feel good from all the sounds he let out, mind hazy and body covered in sweat. "oh my, Jae-Jaem-ah!" you fall limp over his body at the sudden thrust from his end, maybe from growing too impatient.

"Should i take it from here, darling? I need to come, will you make me come, doll?" you mumble out a bunch of 'yes!' as your face falls into the nape of his neck where you nibbled at the skin like how he'd done.

Jaemin took control once again, a sudden burst of energy sparking through his body as he set a fast pace in pistoning in and out of you, your slickness and his precum ensuring it wouldn't be painful for you, rather, it felt extremely good. "Look at my good girl taking me so well, you're making me feel so good, darling, I'm so.. Uh, I'm so close-"

You clench around him when you feel a knot forming once again for the third time that evening when you feel his tip brush against your sweet spot, eliciting a loud gasp from you as you bite down a little too harder than intended on his hot skin while pressing the side of your face against his broad shoulders. "Jaemin.. Jaem, I'm.. Oh god"

"I know, doll, i know.. Me too, let go for me" he holds your hips in a grip tight enough to leave a light bruise or two while reaching between your bodies to find comfort on your clit again, making you let out a choked moan as Jaemin ended up being the one doing most of the work.

You fall off the edge once again, this time harder than the previous ones as your tears slip and fall onto his shoulder, seeping into his shirt and onto the skin, making him go faster, chasing his high while dragging yours for a second or two longer.

"Jaem, too much..it hurts-" you sob in a whiny tone which was more than enough to throw Jaemin off his edge too, rubbing fast circles on your clit while ribbons of his essence coat your walls as he lets out a loud, long groan of your name.

He stops his moment on your clit, but continues to move slowly to draw out all the arousal from his member, only stopping when he feels himself grow soft inside of you, the feeling making you clench around him weakly which makes him jolt due to the sensitivity.

Knowing it'd only make a mess to remove himself from inside you, he decides to stay in, muttering out a series of praises that he let linger in the air.

"That.. felt good," you speak into the silence, voice hoarse and weak, worn out from all the activity as you silently thank him for making you feel so good, a sense of accomplishment spread through his chest, finally fulfilling his wish of corrupting you, and most importantly, making you his. He kisses your forehead after pushing out strands of tresses that covered it,

"Anything for my babygirl"

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popculturebuffet · 3 years

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Ducktales Reviews: How Santa Stole Christmas! or Scrooge is kind of a dick

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everybody! Christmas begins on this blog with the last new Ducktales of the season! Time to break out some eggnog, presents and warmth of good family, i’ve got a bushel of Christmas reviews planned for the season, and this one is just the start of htem. As you can probably tell by my enthusasim I love this holiday. Oh sure it has it’s bad sides, paticuarlly several jackasses making huge deals out of the fact some people say happy holidays because “there’s a war on christmas” when really their just petty morons who can’t accept theirs more than one holiday in the month and not everyone likes christmas. I do, but I know not everyone does, and that’s fine. But overall it’s a fine holiday with warmth, cheer, family, generosity and of course, what brings us here today, really damn good episodes and specials of television. It’s just a really warm and cheerful time that , whlie it can bring out the absolute worst in people.. can also bring out the best more often than not. And that’s why I love this holiday. If you don’t that’s just fine, but it’s my blog, I can love what I want. And I love this holiday.. and I loved this episode, a good end to a great run of episodes. So let’s rock around the Christmas tree and find out why Scrooge hates santa, this is How Santa Claus Stole Christmas!

We open with the classic night before Christmas poem.. only naturally since Della is reading it to the boys, it’s Scrooge’s version involving barbed wire and calling the man a traitor because what honestly did you expect. Though I find it ironic a man introduced in a Christmas story has a one-sided blood feud with Santa. The boys are annoyed with this and just want free presents and the presecne of a jolly fat man and don’t get why Scrooge hates him. And yeah.. all of that tracks. They were raised by Donald who, while he clearly spent several years at Scrooges tolerating this feud, likely figured the Feud was just some personal gripe of scrooges and that Santa had done nothing that terrible. Which given Scrooge isn’t personable on the best of days and the episode goes out of it’s way to point out Scrooge has no friends, is entirely accurate and Donald was, as always the sane one in this situation. Plus he was already mad at Scrooge, this was just another way to tell him to go fuck himself.

The boys hear what they think is Santa on the roof but turns out to be Scrooge, in full Scottish war garb manning traps with webby.. in full chimney camo... putting a knife to Dewey’s throat for siding with santa.. well okay pointing at his throat but still god damn. Every now in then i’m reminded how ready Webby is to murder someone. It never gets easier or less disturbing. The boys.. continue to make a good point: Scrooge says he’s the richest duck in the world and can provide them whatever.. but being Scrooge just gives them itchy hats made of cheap fabric, and bemoans them wanting a trampoline, a new electronic game, and a new phone. And while Scrooge can give them whatever he wants, it’s his money, he also could’ve put some actual thought into it and clearly views the holiday more as a transaction and less for hte acutal sentmient. Instead of giving them personal mementos, or making them personal mementos, or even just simply building them a sled or something, a simpler toy than what they want but still something nice that comes from the heart.. he just gave them the cheapest hat he could find and tries to guilt them for not liking his thoughtless present he probably bought in bulk for everyone in the manor and his employ because he’s kind of a dick sometimes. IT’s good storytelling though as it sets up that Scrooge.. can possibly be int he wrong, so when the main plot comes to his front door, quite literally, there’s some doubt as to wither he or santa is in the wrong. Speaking of which Santa is at the door. So cue the credits and cue the cut for the rest of the plot as is usual. Full spoilers, and full plot under the cut. Ho ho ho.

First a quick comment on the Holiday version of the theme, the same one from Last Christmas! IT’s really good, a really nice frank sinatra style verison of the theme. Good stuff. My only real complaint is like last time.. there’s nothing unique about it, it’s just the normal season 3 intro but with snowflakes. And that’s.. more on Disney than the creators. If Frank and Matt had the option they would likely do an entirely original intro.. it’s just Disney can be cheap when it comes to intros, see how possesed ludo stayed in the star vs intro long after that plot point was resolved, and only affords one a season. That being said they still have one up on most networks, who, with the exception of Netfix with she ra, never really let intros change more than once, if at all. I mean I get it, budgets are higher here than with anime, they can’t do a new song and intro every half a season.. BUUUT it wouldn’t kill more stuidos to do this more often and do a complete intro overhaul, as it adds freshness, and you can still use the same old theme, just over a new set of pretty images. Most just allow a few swap outs, Disney included, and while I get intros are expensive, this is something you can use for a whole season, or more, why are you like this?

Anyways one theme song and me complaning about an animation trend I don’t like later, we’re inside the Manor with none of the other adults present because this season hates me. I do actually get it this go round: Besides Della, Donald and Launchpad getting a full subplot in the other holiday episode, they aren’t really needed. In fact most of the episode’s present day is a framing device for the tale of how Scrooge and Santa met and why Scrooge hates him, so for once the minmal use of the supporting cast.. is actually done well. The focus is on Scrooge and Santa, a feud that’s had four years build up in real time, and two years in series and a bunch of months. So yeah, i’m okay with sidelining everyone for once, because this story really needed all of the space and there was no real place for them aside from the climax. This is Scrooge and Santa’s story, with Webby there as an impartial-ish observer. We’ll get to that in a moment. Also if your curious where in the fuck this episode fits on the series massively warped time scale.. i’m going with this and “The Trickining!” taking place before season 3, since “Astro Boyd” takes place in march, and “Forbidden Fountain” takes place in probably late april, huge thanks to a friend on discord for help with the timeline. Otherwise it just makes no sense whatsover and while it dosen’t TECHINCALLY need to, I prefer the series timeline at least making some rational sense. The world dosen’t have to but time still does. So the boys are at least 12, possibly turning 13. Congrats. Or maybe they just don’t age. I dunno.

Now time and plot concerns aside, Santa gladly gives the boys their gifts which is.. everything they listed: A mini tramp for Dewey, Legends of Legend-Quest 2 for Huey, and another phone for Louie, which Scrooge dosen’t get. But Louie gets it on 2 levels: One, the one he asked for is probably a nicer model and as someone who just got a very marginally nicer model on insurance, I get it, even if like Scrooge i’m fine as long as mine works, it’s still nice to have more space to do shit. And two, he plans to sell the old one and keep the money. So yeah the boys already loved Santa but now they have every reason to since, you know, Santa actually gave them what they asked for and Scrooge gave them itchy hats because he’s cheap not because he put the slighest thought into it. And no i’m ont letting him get away with that: Again, off list, perfectly fine. Right behind me on my sprawl of book shelves is Weird Al’s biography, a really fun, really intresting book with photos on his career. I did not ask for it, but my mom rightly knew I would love it and got it for me for my birthday, which is very close to christmas, the 16th if you were curious, anyway, and I’ve treasured it since.. and really need to re-read it. My point is you CAN get someone something they didn’t ask for and still have it be something they LIKE. I did that for most of my christmas gifts this year. Scrooge just, as I went on about above, didn’t give a shit and was a bit callous about it so yeah, Santa wins this round. But Santa naturally needs Scrooge’s help to save Christmas because his ankle’s sprained and he’s out of options. Scrooge.. naturally refuses because, as i’ve made clear this and past episodes, he can be kind of a dick and Santa is one of his worst enemies in his mind. Why help him? So Santa, reluctantly, offers Scrooge the one thing you can get for the man who has everything: An agreement to leave his house alone. The boys aren’t happy about it, but Scrooge reluctantly agrees to the deal. They prepare to mount up though the boys aren’t invited, as Scrooge thinks their too far in the Santa camp and Scrooge does not trust him. Which again is both accurate and fair on their parts as again, he gave them things with well meaning and love, he gave them hats he fished out of the dollar store clearance bin. I mean at least go for the dvd’s and blu rays man. Yeesh. Santa does lightly buy them off by offering them another present if their good boys. Though honestly given Santa in this universe, he probably was going to anyway and this is his nice way of getting them to stay behind to make Scrooge happy.

So as they take off, while Webby is wary of Santa, she is curious what happened, especially since earlier Scrooge actually did finally voice his gripe, if without any full length explination: Santa took Christmas From him. And Della might know that, Scrooge likely didn’t tell her or Donald the full story and Donald rightly didn’t buy it was that one sided. And it isn’t as we’ll see. Since the episodes divided up into two storylines, i’m once again splitting the difference. This time though I would like to mention the story is beautifully woven in, with both complementing each other: there’s some legit suspense as we wonder if Santa did something really that bad or if he’s lying to webby, or if Scrooge being Scrooge was just exaggerating or holding onto a grudge that was partly his fault. It’s genuinely well done to build up the story and helps really flesh Santa out as a character in both stories. i’m only not doing that because my short term memory, while good enough to hold the story for now can be spotty, and this is a lot less taxing on it. Also parts of this segment happen before the boys leave, but it’s easier this way. Sooooo...

Times Past: Santa’s Worst Christmas Some time ago... seriously I don’t know. Scrooge was born in the 1800′s and Christmas well existed by then, to the point there’s actually a story starring young scrooge published over seas. Granted the Duck’s are no stranger to christmas, as I already covered Christmas on Bear Mountain for Scrooge’s birthday, and will be covering “A Christmas for Shacktown’ sometime this December. It’s just something worth noting. But given this universe can do whatever it wants, having it invited sometime in the early 1900′s or late 1800s is fine just fine.

Scrooge is a coal salesman, selling people what they need but getting no shelter as he’s, again, an ass. But in the depths he finds Santa, whose having trouble puling his sleigh, and gets them in the previously closed door with kindess and saying he’s with me. We now get an idea of who Santa truly is: a kind, selfless soul who thinks nothing of himself, and is happy to offer a gift in exchange for something, but does so only in the most well meaning, warmest way possible. In short this Santa really is.. what Santa is at his best in stories; a kind, generous man who just wants to make people happy. He just gave a gift not because he wanted to bribe his way in, but because he was genuinely hoping for some shelter and wanted to be greatful. It also shows that clearly, even if something did happen.. Santa probably isn’t evil. A twist still could’ve come.. but spoilers.. it dosen’t. Santa is genuinely this kind and self sacrificing and noble. He’s just a good person.. and that would ultimately be the problem but we’ve got a lot of subplot to cover. So Santa parties with what are clearly going to be his elves, and turn out indeed to be elves at the end when the fire goes out and Scrooge is suddenly in buisness.. and he and Santa make a great team, as Santa talks him up and says he can deliver a whole year’s worth of coal all over the world by Christmas Morning, so Christmas DOES exist here, it’s just Santa didn’t which kind of tracks. Well played. I’ll keep my earlier mistake in there though. Keeps me fresh. But Santa offers to help.. after all what are friends for? And Scrooge says their not friends.. their partners.

And Santa says why not both. And a friendship is forged. And it makes sense.. while i’ts not as tight as it will be, Santa is a warm generous guy who helped Scrooge multiple times just to be kind: He helped him find shelter to repay his kindness helping him.. then helped him sell his coal, when he didn’t have to and while he upsold him on what he could do, did so not out of malice, but so his friend could sell MORE and with eveyr intention of helping. And this friend is someone he just met, is kind of cranky and rude.. but as we all know is a good person underneath and to Santa.. that’s what he sees.. the kind young man who helped him pull his sleigh when he didn’t have to and was already cold and miserable. And that.. that just warms my heart a lot. But Scrooge being Scrooge has a mystic artifact that could help: The Feliz Navidiamond, a mystic artifact that can seemingly control time he got off a spanish sailor needing coal. The two head in but encounter it’s guardians. The Magic reindeer! And that’s part of what I love about this episode: besides really getting christmas, we’ll get to that, it has a creative and intresting Santa origin baked into the show’s mythology that also shows off an intresting part of Scrooge’s past. Santa manages to pacify them with jingle bells and our heroes head inside. In the cavern they find a Giant Snowman.. because this show is fucking awesome and Santa’s attempt to be nice bacfires but Scrooge’s natural paranoia and gumption pull through. It shows off why they make a good team: Santa’s niceties helped them with the reindeer, and netted them future transportation, while Scrooge’s natural grumpus tendencies help when nice just won’t do it. They work well together: one’s a showman and the other hasn’t learned how yet, one is nice the other naughty. It’s easy to see why they worked so well together.. in both senses. They make it past the Snowman and find that the diamond slows down time running on “christmas time!”.. seriously a great pun and one of many this episode. This show had a chance to go all out on holiday puns this go round and they did not blow it.

But... sadly... and obviously the good times can’t roll forever and when we next return to the story it’s a year later. McDuck and Klaus coal is a MASSIVE concern, and Scrooge is eager to get started... but Santa.. wants to just give gifts instead. To do something Generous. Buisness just isn’t in him and he just wants to do something kind. It’s.. not a bad goal.. i’ts just not Scrooge. To Scrooge it’s a betryal of all he stands for: foreswearing profit to give something for nothing for seemingly no reason and to a younger even meaner scrooge.. it’s an utter betryal.. and a breaking point. Either his daft presents idea.. or Scrooge. And why yes this episode is dripping with ho yay and why yes this does resemble his painful breakups with goldie. And why yes is glorious.. Imean I wasn’t shipping Scrooge with santa before but now? Hot damn. But yeah the two have come to a parting of ways, and Scrooge bitterly leaves, while the elves reveal themselves. And my heart hurts “The Empire Builder from Callisota” bad so thank you and fuck you show. It also probably shows why Scrooge has exactly one friend, who also works with him so it’s complicated, in present day: He just dosen’t want to let people in... and now we know WHY. The first genuine friend he made, the first person he let into his heart.. betrayed him. It’s no wonder it took decades for Beakly, then the kids to get into his heart again: the guy’s been betrayed by goldie, in his mind betrayed by santa and as we’ve seen his own dad turned against him eventually. He had no one for so long, he built a wall all around him but the wall was too tall and it blocked out all the birds and the son. But this .. is a really damn good story that fleshes Scrooge out and explains his hardness. In the comics it was Glomgold.. here.. it’s much more personal and cuts much deeper. And I absolutely love it. This story could’ve neatly fit into life and times if it made any sense in Rosa’s timeline, and it would be just perfect there.

PRESENT DAY: Concentrated Awwww

The present day plot is a lot simplier but still fantsatic: Webby slowly warms up to Santa depsite herself.. despite Scrooge clealry seeing she is.. she sees the man is just.. nice. He gives her a new crossbow, a really nice one she probably didn’t even expect to get given you know, everything and knowing scrooge, and appricates the sentiment and slowly sees the man isn’t some monster, but just a jolly old fat man who wants to give presents. Even Scrooge seemingly warms up a little. We also get tons of cameos during delivery, as they visit tons of supporting cast.. sadly no Darkwing.. but this one was clearly meant to go anywhere and is clealry set before “Let’s Get Dangerous”, but tons of other great bits: We get the Drake recidence with Boyd getting a present.. and somehow also doofus whose filled his stocking full of.. something. I don’t want to know and you can’t make me ask. You can make me ask why the fuck Doofus gets a present, but it could be filled with bees or maybe Santa truly thinks theirs good in him.. which .. yeah tracks. I mean not their being good in him.. I think dr. loomis said it best.. I mean it was about micheal meyers but.. same diffrence minus the patricide?

I mean points for trying though Santa, you mean well you loveable bear in both senses of the word you. But anyways other cameos include Fenton, alsleep with his armor strewn about, aww, with the gizmo armor set to hit people with fruit cake. Thought that was against the geneva convetion but alright. Scrooge’s been hit with worse. We also get them visiting the boat and giving Donald and Della presents, awww. And of course I saved the cameo I put up top for last as Webby visits her closest friend and her gilfriend and gives both an adorable cheek kiss. Though only Lena reacts.. probably because this isn’t the first time Webby’s snuck into their bedroom at night but probably the first time it hasn’t been accidently creepy because she’s still learning boundaries. Also i did not realized they shared a room. Aww. Also it’s the first time we’ve seen their room, which as you’d image from a sorceress and a magical researcher/bookworm, it’s a massive sprawling library from what we see with a skull with a candle in it, a picture of a house, and a calender. IN short it’s perfect and i’m glad we finally saw their room.

So yeah things are going well and Webby finally realizes “Shit Scrooge is the bad guy in this scenario” at the end of the story, realizing Santa was just as hurt by the split as Scrooge was and that he had to make the harder choihce for the right reasons. Unfortunately, as i’ve said a lot this review, SCrooge is a dick and only coperated, as he wasn’t using the magical present sack, but his own filled with Coal to teach people about responsiblity. Thankfully, Scrooge realizes he’s been a dick to the globe when he happens upon little Jeniffer, a small pig girl who mistakes him from santa and takes his coal, meant to warm her fires.. and makes it into a doll. And resists his attempts to take “Coalette away”... Scrooge then rants and .. we actually get a good reason for why he’s being such a douche... as a kid he had nothing, and a gift of coal for his fires would’ve been welcmoed. He simply just.. dosen’t get the frivolity. He gets the warmth and joy of the season but not the gift part. And it’s only seeing this small, innocent child, play with a doll, he realizes “A warm heart can keep you going through the coldest nights”. And it’s then he finally realizes why his old friend did what he did.. because as i’ve been saying the real gift.. is in the giving.. of giving someone something that makes their memories glow and their heart warm. Even a lump of coal can do that in the right hands... a toy can get someone through the roughest times and it’s the WARMTH of the gift you remember, not the gift itself. I remember that book I mentioned proudly.. as do I remmeber the copy of the art of the venture brothers right next to me, or the copy of the people’s doonesbury my best friend mike bought me, and so on.. not because of the book itself... but because of the thought and warmth of someone getitng something for you because they care, not for their own reward, but just to make you feel nice this holiday season. That’s the true spirit of christmas. Naturally realizing the errror of his ways in true christmas story fashion, Scrooge is devistated by his own actions. And Santa is PISSED.. but Scrooge is now regretful.. if also pissed because Santa stormed in there and it turns out this was all a ploy to get his friend back... which destroys Scrooge’s anger as he realizes just how much his old friend missed him and how many years he wasted lashing out at him when , in the end, Santa was right. So with only so much Diamond power left, and time running out, what can they do to right this? Simple, Scrooge suggests splitting resources.

So we get a glorious shot of the three boys, and the twins riding the reindeer. Also we get Launchpad!

Who naturally wonders if he can crash a reindeer while Beakly thankfully stops him from murdering Dasher. So Christmas is saved and Scrooge and Santa exchange gifts: For Scrooge, a set of bells with their old company name.. and for Santa? a garage door opener. While Santa’s confused turns out.. it’s to turn off the traps. He’s welcome any time.. just use the front door. Cue a big hug, and Webby narrating us out as Scrooge wishes everyone a merry christmas once again letting people into his heart. I have.. the approirate response to that.

Final Thoughts: Excellent, easily one of the best of the season, the series and possibly of chirstmas show episodes all together, we shall see when I put together my list. And given how utterly excellent Last Christmas already is, it was hard to top.. but they did it. This was a warm, wonderful special that gets to the heart of christmas.. and really why I LIKE santa so much. For all the comercailsim around him.. he’ s a kind generous man who gets kids to belivie in magic for a while, wants nothing in return , with the offering of cookies just there to be nice and thank him for being a good person, and just wants best for people. He’s what’s best about christmas rolled into a person. And the series gets that and makes him the kindest guy around. It ends up being a story abotu Scrooge learning the meaning of christmas, an irony that’s not lost on me, but in a way that’s diffrent and unique from last time and works just as well. It’s just a warm wonderful epsiode with plenty of great gags and adventure and a beautiful, unique story at it’s core that could only be told here with tihs cast and this version of scrooge and that’s what makes it so damn magical. Easily a fantastic note to go out on. Next time on Ducktales: I don’t know! Next time this blog covers ducktales: We’re going back a few seasons to the only episode i’ve never seen, not even a little bit. It’s the treacherous summit of mt neverest! Until then, if you liked this review, reblog and all that good stuff, follow for more ducks, and if there’s an episode of any show you want me to cover, my cyber monday sale is still going till midnight central, and even past that if you get in a liittle past it, so you can comission a review of any episode for just 3 bucks right now, 5 if you get to this review after monday. So spend if you have it.. and if you don’t.. happy holidays to you anyway. Have a wonderful season.

#christmas #ducktales #how santa stole christmas #santa claus #scrooge mcduck #webby vanderquack #huey duck #louie duck #dewey duck #donald duck #della duck #violet sabrewing #lena sabrewing #weblena #launchpad mcquack #bentina beakly #doofus drake #boyd drake #fenton crackshell cabrera

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thelastyetfabolousmidwestmadman · 4 years

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Don’t know if this will be complete in time or is even good for Feudal Connection but...

Once Kohaku opened his eyes, he knew instantly that something was awry. For starters he wasn’t tied up, as his bloodied, chafed wrists and ankles could easily testify. What futile moments of resistance he could muster was usually rewarded with cold blooded torture that left not a single mark cause Naruku was much too cruel to allow him any respite.

Standing unsteady upon the balls of his feet, Kohaku hit his head on the rotten wood of the ceiling.

“Ow!” He squeaked, the muscle memory in his throat habitually knowing to remain quiet in some childish hope that Naraku wouldn’t come for him if he just pretended to disappear.

Wincing as Kohaku crouched in order to continue going forward, almost despairing in his search for an exit, he eventually managed, albeit with awkward fumbling against the walls to crawl into a larger room. Realizing that he couldn’t continue blinded, Kohaku recalled a trick fat, jolly old Kikujiro the blacksmith taught him when he first practiced with his Kusarigama.

Despite the feeling of sadness that he could not remember somehow associated with the memory, Kohaku practically giggled with delight at his own cleverness in the way only a twelve year old would.

Covering his left eye with his palm, Kohaku waited patiently, praying to the gods that he would have enough time to see this through, his right eye practically tearing up at how unfair the idea was. Tense, and twitching at every droplet of water that fell on his forehead, every bug that crawled up his leg, and every sudden jitter his body uncontrollably shook with, after about twenty minutes he could see in the dark perfectly.

Wherever he was, might at one point had been splendidly decorated was now turned to decaying ruin. Sodden silken tapestries had become rotten nests of termites and spiders, all clumped and piled on the floor, indistinguishable from whatever illustration it had originally held upon it.

Flakes of gold leaf also appeared intermittently, traced upon the walls but much of it ripped out of the wall with deep gouges on what remained. Other than that there appeared to be very little for young Kohaku to see that was of particular unique interest.

All the wood was rotten so Kohaku tread carefully upon the floor, afraid of alerting demons to his presence and getting splinters that he knew well from experience would attract maggots to the bare soles of Kohaku’s feet.

As he moved forward, the dampened floors gave way to a murky puddle ,forcing the boy to trudge through foot long waves of silty water. Minnows and other tiny fish brushed against his feet, sending a shiver down his spine. Had this been back at the village he would have been fascinated, maybe even catching some to bring home as a pet, but he had other things to worry about now. He knew, no knows, that they were out there searching for him and that everything Naraku said were complete and utter lies.

That very same Hope was the one thing that kept him sane throughout everything the demon did to him... But he knew that they wouldn’t even begin to know where to look due to how clever this Naraku was. He was unlike any demon he has ever heard about... scrunching his nose at the foul scents that wafted in the air, all of it redolent with mildew, rotten flesh and feces, and worse smells he didn’t even wish to think about.

Hearing clicking on the ceiling, Kohaku was horrified to discover a jet black centipede as thick and long as his arm dangling above him. Racing to get out of its way, Kohaku crashed into a pile of broken pottery, nicking the ball of his right foot greatly.

The blood flowing from the gash attracted several fish who bit at that same vulnerable wound.

Horrified, it took several harsh stomps to force them to flee and Kohaku rushed out of there in a panic, rejoicing when he found the stairs. Unfortunately, while the upper floor was thankfully dry, the darkness remained. Sitting down, Kohaku struggled to calm himself, clutching his throbbing chest while hyperventilating.

A part of him that wasn’t entirely minuscule wanting to sit there and cry like the child he appeared to be but he just couldn’t. He was almost a man now and there was no way he could give up now when he finally felt so close to getting home...

So he continued onward, swallowing the many fears inside his heart. While these rooms weren’t as damaged as the dungeon below, that was like saying a village hit by a typhoon was better than a village overgrown by grass and other parasitic vegetation.

Everything appeared exactly the same from the moth eaten paper screen doors, the furniture which had whole chunks clawed and bitten off by who knows what, And the ground was swelling with silverfish, long beetles, and lady beetles that he couldn’t help but smash with his feet. As guilty as he felt about it, more pressing matter quickly took over.

Kohaku was beginning to feel significantly parched but he knew better then then to drink it. That algae covered water smelled awful and it stunk of foul humors he knew would make him sick. There was plenty of food though. Kohaku had been taught what types of mushrooms and insects were edible by his teacher and while he remembered being grossed out when he first heard of it, beggars couldn’t be choosers when faced with starvation.

What he wouldn’t give for a rat to pass by...

Plus what Naraku considered fine cuisine always had some cruel twist he was happy to block out.

After a certain point all the rooms began to look the same and when he dared to enter it, their contents raised questions he didn't want answered. One of these rooms contained a plethora of torn up clothing, surprisingly dry. Protected from the elements were a rainbow of Kimonos, Obi, Yukata, Hakama, and foreign clothing Kohaku didn’t recognize thrashed against the floor. There were many that Kohaku knew symbolized different seasons. Some were ancient, ragged, dust covered things but there were also those that were still relatively soft. All had brown stains. Inspiration hit him at that instance as he figured out a way to tell everything apart.

Ripping the attire into smaller strips, Kohaku used the soiled garb to mark where he was as he turned around each corner eventually he found the next floor and was almost giddy at the fact that he found tree roots growing through the ceiling. That meant escape couldn’t be far! Just as he was ready to do a jig, to dance in joy out of childish glee, sudden echoing caught his attention.

Voices. Near voices.

As the steps grew closer, Kohaku quickly hid in another room. Seeing the aureoles gleam of a torch, Kohaku silently scurried under a remarkably still standing table so as to prevent them from seeing his silhouette as it danced across the screen. The tongue they spoke wasn’t from Nippon nor did it resemble anything remotely human. Neither did the gnarled twisted shadows they themselves revealed.

Demons. Kohaku realized with a gasp.

Their long necks turned towards him directly. Clamping both hands against his tiny mouth, Kohaku’s legs trembled as urine ran down his well muscled legs, struggling to keep his chattering teeth from revealing his location.

Please go away, for the love of Buddha PLEASE! Fear turned to terror as the demon pressed his palm against the door. Kohaku was suffocating from being unable to breathe but his primal fear outweighed his need to survive. The demon raked a long sharp talon against it and Kohaku closed his eyes begging for the nightmare to end.

But ultimately his crying lungs ached too much to hold his breath anymore. Wheezing, Kohaku nearly had a heart attack as greedily gulped for air, sobbing uncontrollably because he knew that his need for life would get him killed. It took Kohaku hours to realize that they were gone and even more to gain the courage to try and move forward.

A sudden crash from the ceiling knocked him on his back and only then did he begin screaming. He thought of his village, his mother who died giving birth to him, his father's sternness, but he thought of his sister most of all.

Feeling something dangling above him, Kohaku briefly thought it was another giant centipede. At least until he could see the shining iron of the sharp iron scythe above him.

Kohaku touched it hesitantly, being sure to touch the blunt edge of his upside down weapon. The Kusarigama hung limply, swaying from side to side. Kohaku couldn’t believe what he was seeing even though it was staring him directly in the face.

What was this doing here? Kohaku struggled to remember but was drawing up a complete blank. He recalled being so excited to go on his first mission, even though he was even more nervous the nearer the time drew. He was so afraid of disappointing his father or his older sister, that knots were wrapping his stomach in twine, and he could barely keep anything down for the next couple days until Sango gave him a pep talk about her first mission.

After that all he could recall was pain and blood.

Deep in thought, Kohaku accidentally clutched the sharp portion of his weapon, cutting his hand to the bone. Mashing his teeth as he struggled to ignore the pain, Kohaku gripped his hand harshly as he winced downward. Something pleasant drifted in his nostrils, something familiar... Struggling to place the odor, Kohaku was reminded of lavender, roses, bluebells and other flowery scents that-

That…

“One-San?” His heart soared. “One-San!” He yelped again, his voice wavering. Too filled with hope and bliss to question if this was just one of Naraku’s cruel japes, Kohaku climbed the Kusarigama, not caring a bit if it broke. His weight was light enough to use it as a rope but his injuries to his foot and hand made progress nigh impossible but eventually his love for his sister prevailed.

If he could’ve predicted the horrible sight and events to come that was awaiting above him, Kohaku would have paused for just a second before running back sobbing to the familiar but predictable flaying inside his prison, preferring captivity over freedom, and blissful ignorance to knowing.

For tortures of the flesh will always heal but the deep mortification that torment the mind and blackens what embers of an innocent soul is left never do.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24813511/chapters/60015001

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pinktintedmonocle · 4 years

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Blue Is Not The Only Colour - A Red Dwarf FanFic - Chapter 1 - NSFW

Red Dwarf is under attack. All systems are down with no hope of recovery. The crew is doomed. And all Lister can think about is Rimmer’s new purple uniform. Fluffy smut for all your Rimster needs! Set after The Promised Land – spoilers for that episode.

Inspired by one of my favourite fanfics that I’ve recently rediscovered after many years – Catcall by Kahvi and Roadstergal. There’s a bit in that fic where Rimmer briefly changes his uniform purple and Lister really likes it, and it got me thinking…

Chapter 1: The Lift

“Status report!” screamed Rimmer, bracing himself against the side of the lift as the ship lurched violently to one side.

Kryten’s face appeared on the screen in the corner of the lift. “All principal and auxiliary systems are down, sirs, and all doors have been sealed shut. Mister Cat and I are doing everything we can to reboot the engines but the GELF ship hit us pretty hard.”

Lister attempted to stand up just as the ship started to shake again. He wisely decided to stay on the floor of the lift. “When you say you and Cat are doing everything you can, do you actually mean that you are doing everything you can while Cat is preening in front of a mirror?”

“Oh no Mister Lister, Mister Cat is not currently staring at himself in a looking glass.”

“Really?” asked Lister, incredulous. “You mean he’s actually helping?”

There was a pause while Kryten glanced over his shoulder. “Well, not exactly. At the present moment he is making a rather fetching pair of earmuffs out of one of those fur rugs we extracted from that luxury liner we raided last month. And while that may not seem particularly helpful at present if we do crash it will likely be onto that ice planet directly below us, so at least Mister Cat will have something to keep his ears nice and toasty.”

Rimmer threw up his arms in frustration. “Oh, well, that’s just marvellous, isn’t it? The rest of us will perish in sub-zero temperatures, but at least if another crew ever stumbles across our frozen remains they’ll find a pair of perfectly persevered ears to take away as a memento.”

“Hey Rimmer man, just try and calm down OK?” said Lister. “We’ll get out of this, just like we always do. Isn’t that right Kryts?”

It wasn’t technically possible for Kryten’s face to turn the sickly green pallor that a human face often does in times of extreme peril, but as Lister and Rimmer watched the mechanoid they both thought that he seemed to be giving it a jolly good try.

“Well, actually sirs, I’m not entirely sure that we will be able to get out of this particularly sticky situation. In fact, I calculate that our chances of survival are roughly the same as the chances of the UK entry coming in first place in the Eurovision song contest.”

Lister slumped forward and buried his face in his hands. “So we’re totally and utterly smegged, is that what you’re saying?”

“Yes sir, I’m afraid so. With no systems online we have no way of –”. Kryten’s image shuddered and disappeared on the screen.

“What’s happened? Where’s he gone?” Rimmer demanded hysterically.

Lister just groaned. “We must have lost contact with the science room. The missiles have probably fried the internal communication systems.”

Rimmer turned on Lister, nostrils flared to full capacity. “It’s your fault we’re stuck in here, you know. As soon as we got the attack alert I was prepared to take the stairs. It was you who said it would be quicker to get to the science room if we took the lift.”

“Well it worked last time on the Iron Star, didn’t it?” protested Lister.

“Barely! It was a miracle we got out of there.” Rimmer surveyed his surroundings, nose wrinkled in distaste. “You could have chosen one of the Xpress lifts rather than a bog standard service lift. At least then we’d have somewhere comfy to sit while the GELF fry my light bee and turn you into kebab meat.”

The screen flickered back to life and Holly’s gormless face appeared. “Hey dudes. What’s happening?”

The ship rocked dangerously and Rimmer was thrown off his feet, landing on his arse next to Lister. “What’s up?” he screeched. He managed to pull himself up into a sitting position and clung to Lister’s leg to stop himself from toppling over again. “You mean apart from being minutes away from certain death?”

“Oh yeah, I know about that” Holly replied calmly, looking somewhat bored. “I meant, like, apart from that.”

Rimmer tried and failed to look commanding from his position on the floor. He settled on just glaring at the computer screen. “Hang on; if all the systems are down why are you still running?”

Holly shrugged, which was impressive for a being without any shoulders. “Don’t know. Think I’ve just got lucky and the GELF missed my hard drive when they attacked.”

“Is there anything you can do to help us Hol?” Lister cried desperately. The lift was swaying back and forth continuously now and Lister was starting to feel very dizzy. He gripped Rimmer’s arm for some support.

“Oh, not really” said Holly. “I could play some chill out music though if you wanted. Or whale song; that is supposed to be very relaxing.”

“Wait a minute!” exclaimed Rimmer. “Holly, can you access the Hologram Simulation Suite and change me from hard to soft light? That way I can get out of this smegging lift!”

“Hang on!” said Lister. “You can’t just leave me here to die by myself!”

Rimmer rolled his eyes. “Don’t be so dramatic Listy, I’d come back for you. But if I switch between hard and soft light I can go inside the systems that have been hit and see how bad the damage is. Then if it’s fixable, I’ll report to Kryten and see if he can do some sort of system repair from the science room.”

Lister had to admit that as plans went, it wasn’t too shabby.

“That’s not a bad idea, actually” agreed Holly.

“Well, get on with it then you senile floppy disk!” snapped Rimmer.

“Oh no, I can’t actually do it”, Holly clarified in his usual monotone. “The controls to do that were damaged by the missile. I was just saying that it was a good plan, you know, like theoretically.”

“Brilliant!” wailed Rimmer, throwing his hands up in the air before quickly grabbing back onto Lister’s leg as the lift shuddered. “I’m going to die on this smegging ship a second time, cowering in an elevator with a grotty spacebum who thinks cornflakes covered in grated onion and vindaloo sauce is a healthy and balanced breakfast.”

“Hey man, don’t take this out on me!” protested Lister. “It’s not my fault those crazy GELF goits decided to bomb us again!”

In fact, Lister thought a little guiltily, it probably was partly his fault. The GELF had never forgiven him for abandoning Hackhackhack Ach Hachhachac on their wedding night. He fully expected Rimmer to point this out and continue his snarking, but instead the hologram deflated visibly and let out a long sigh.

“This is it then Listy, after all these years. I’ll be dead and gone, rather than just dead. We both will.”

Rimmer leaned in a little closer to Lister, and Lister’s brain registered for the first time that Rimmer’s arms were wrapped around one of his legs, while he was clutching one of Rimmer’s arms with both hands. The soft thrum of electricity emanating from Rimmer’s light bee was oddly calming, and holding onto Rimmer’s hologrammatic body made his hands tingle pleasantly. He had just started to think about how well defined Rimmer’s arm felt beneath his grasp when Holly interrupted.

“I can change the colour of your uniform though, if that helps.”

“What?” Rimmer asked, bemused.

“Well, I can’t change you to soft light, but I can send a signal to your light bee to change the colour of your uniform from blue to red.”

“And how the smegging hell would that help?” snarled Rimmer.

“Well” said Holly with all the enthusiasm of a sixty year old Geography teacher on the verge of retirement who had just been told they had to teach fourteen year olds about sedimentary rocks for another five years before they could draw their pension, “When you’re soft light, your uniform is red. So even though I can’t make you soft light so you can go and save the ship, I can make your uniform red so you can look like you’re soft light. That way you can at least pretend to be soft light and helpful so you can feel a bit better about the whole situation, like, psychologically.”

Rimmer fixed the monitor displaying Holly’s face with a venomously seething glare of such intensity that it would cause any sane sentient computer to immediately start wiping its hard drive just to be rid of the memory of such a glare. Holly however, being about as sane as an MP for UKIP, just smiled pleasantly back.

“See?” said the computer. Rimmer’s uniform shimmered from blue to red. A tiny jolt of electricity went through Lister as the change took place. It was actually quite pleasant and just slightly arousing, which, combined with Lister’s grip on Rimmer’s nicely muscled arm and the fact that the hologram’s hands seemed to be making their way slowly up Lister’s leg as Rimmer clung on for support, caused the beginnings of a stirring in Lister’s groinal region that made him very thankful that he was wearing his baggiest trousers.

“And it’s not just red I can do”, continued Holly, completely oblivious to the reactions of the occupants of the lift. “I can turn your uniform any colour you want actually.”

Rimmer’s uniform started to shimmer it’s way though the rainbow and every shade in between, from reds to oranges to yellows to greens to blues to purples-

“Stop!” yelled Lister, startling Rimmer. “Stop on that purple, Hol.”

“Alright”, said Holly. The flickering stopped and Rimmer’s uniform settled on a deep amethyst shade. “It’s a nice colour that. Good choice.”

“Yeah, it is.” agreed Lister, somewhat breathlessly. In that moment Lister thought it was probably the most alluring colour he had ever seen, and given the Cat’s penchant for beautiful fabrics he’d pretty much seen every other colour under the sun. But there was just something special about this colour; it complemented Rimmer’s pale complexion perfectly and brought out his soft brown eyes. That and the fact that Lister had received several dozen tiny electric shocks every time Rimmer’s uniform had changed colour meant that he was now as hard as a rock.

Rimmer stared at Lister as if he had a polymorph stuck to his face. “Have you gone completely loopy? Has space rot finally taken hold of your brain after one too many beer milkshakes? We’re on the verge of certain death and all you can think about is the hue of my clothes? I expect this kind of behaviour from that imbecile”, Rimmer jerked his head in the direction of Holly, “but I wasn’t expecting you to go completely senile for at least another five years or so.”

Lister shifted in a way designed to bring Rimmer’s hand slightly further up his thigh. “Can’t I pay you a compliment before we die?” he asked huskily.

The lift shook again and Rimmer grabbed Lister’s other leg to stop himself from being thrown against a wall. Lister felt quite faint; he honestly didn’t know how much more contact he could stand with the hologram before he either passed out or came in his pants. Or both.

Rimmer frowned. “You’ve never paid me a compliment like that before.”

“I must have done,” said Lister, barely holding on to consciousness.

“You definitely haven’t. I would have remembered.” sniped Rimmer.

“Well, I’m paying you one now.” The lift shook again and although Lister wasn’t unbalanced by this particular shudder he still took the opportunity to grab hold of Rimmer’s other arm. They were properly holding each other now and Lister couldn’t help but be aware of how close their lips were. He took a few deep breaths to steady himself. “I’m just saying that that colour really suits you. It really, really suits you. Although maybe not quite as well as the diamond light suit.”

“Oh?” asked Rimmer, who had been distracted from thoughts of impending death by the incredibly rare occurrence of someone saying something nice about him. “And what was better about the diamond light suit?”

The whacking great codpiece thought Lister, although he didn’t say it out loud. “It looked good, is all.” And you looked good in it. So, so good. “Hey Hol, give us a moment will you?”

“Ok”, replied the computer. He paused for a second. “There. That was a moment.”

Lister rolled his eyes. “I meant give me and Rimmer a moment alone Hol. In other words, smeg off!”

“Oh right”, said Holly, sounding a little offended. “You could have just said. You didn’t have to be so rude about it.” The screen went black.

“You’ve annoyed him now.” stated Rimmer. “He’ll probably wake you up tomorrow at six with those cockerel sounds he loves so much.”

“There won’t be a tomorrow”, Lister said distractedly, thinking about the word ‘cockerel’. In particular the first syllable.

“Oh God, I almost forgot!” Rimmer exclaimed. “I’m going as mad as you. Must be my memory files shutting down. I’ll probably be nothing but a drooling mess in a few minutes!”

Lister could tell that Rimmer was on the verge of a full blown panic attack, so he removed his hands from the hologram’s arms (somewhat reluctantly) and grabbed his face instead. The lift gave another shake and somewhere in the distance several alarms started to sound. It was amazing that the cables holding them in the lift shaft hadn’t snapped yet and sent them plummeting to their deaths. Lister tried not to think about that. Or the word ‘shaft’.

“Rimmer”, he said softly, letting his thumb gently rub circles on the hologram’s cheek. “I know we’ve had our disagreements over the years-”

“We have disagreements every day, Listy”, Rimmer said, although he didn’t try to move away from Lister. “Most days we’ve had at least seven before you’ve even had your mid-morning curry.”

“Yeah, I know man”, said Lister. The lift was shaking uncontrollably now. Lister titled his head forward slightly, his lips only an inch away from Rimmer’s. “But there’s a reason I like to wind you up so much. There’s a reason I tease you until you get all flustered and your cheeks turn red and you stomp off and I watch your lovely arse as you walk away.”

Rimmer blinked. “I’m sorry, did you just refer to my arse as ‘lovely’?”

“Yeah, Rimmer, I did. Because there’s something I need to tell ya, something I should have told you a long time ago but I was just too much of a coward. Because the thing is Rimmer, I lov-”

All of a sudden the lift stopped shaking, the distant alarms grew quiet and the lights in the lift turned back to full brightness. The screen flickered back to life and Holly’s face re-appeared. “Is this a good time, or are you two still having your moment?”

Rimmer pulled away from Lister’s embrace and stood up, leaving Lister’s arms feeling horribly empty.

“What the smeg is going on Holly?” Rimmer demanded. “Why aren’t we dead yet? What about the GELF missiles?”

“What missiles?” asked Holly, looking puzzled.

“The missiles that hit the ship and were in the process of killing us, you goit!” Rimmer shrieked. Lister couldn’t help think that he looked very sexy when he got all worked up.

“Oh right”, said Holly. “See, the thing is that there weren’t actually any missiles in the first place. Or any GELF ship.”

Holly’s words hit Lister like a ton of bricks and snapped him out of his lustful reverie. He scrambled to his feet to stand beside Rimmer. “Hang on a minute, Hol! What the smeg do you mean there weren’t any missiles or a ship?”

“It’s probably best I let the others explain”, said Holly.

The screen flickered and Kryten’s face appeared on it, looking guiltier than OJ Simpson. “Oh Mr Lister sir!” exclaimed the mechanoid. “It’s so good to see you again. When we lost contact I was terrified you might have been knocked unconscious, what with the ship shaking so violently and things flying everywhere.”

“I’m fine, Kryts. But what did Holly mean when he said there were no missiles or no attacking ship?”

“Hang on!” interrupted Rimmer. “Why did you only ask Lister if he was OK? What about me? Why does no-one care about me?”

I care, thought Lister. His cock, still half hard, gave a twitch of agreement. In fact, one part of me seems to care about you very much.

Kryten pretended not to hear the hologram. “Well, you see, Mister Lister sir, what we thought was an attack from a GELF ship turned out not to be a real attack at all but in fact just a very realistic simulation. It seems that when Red Dwarf was being built it was fitted with newly designed emergency protocol simulation software. The idea was that once every few months the immersive simulation would be activated so the crew could practice what to do in case of a GELF attack, like the fire drills I believe they used to have back on Earth.”

“Hang on”, said Rimmer. “I’ve never even heard of an immersive emergency drill before, let alone done one aboard Red Dwarf. When we did a practice drill there just used to be a little alarm that sounded and we all pretended an attack was taking place and lined up in a corridor so a man with a clipboard could tick our names off on a register.”

“That’s because the idea was scrapped before Red Dwarf ever launched”, Kryten continued. “There was another ship built to the same specifications that took off just before Red Dwarf, but tragically all crew members were killed during the first week of their voyage. You see, they were so busy doing the simulated attack that they failed to realise that they were actually under attack and the ship was blown up. So the function was never used on Red Dwarf, although the controls to activate it remained.”

“So how the smegging hell did it get activated after three million years?” asked Lister.

Kryten shifted uncomfortably. “Well, I believe Mister Cat may have been responsible for that, sirs. You see, the button to activate the simulation is very large and red and shiny, and I believe he just couldn’t resist pressing it.”

The Cat’s face appeared next to Kryten’s on the monitor. “Actually, I was trying to prise it off the wall to use as a brooch. Pressing it was just an accident.”

“So all that panic and stress we just went through was so the Cat could get a twinkly new accessory?” Rimmer threw up his hands in disbelief. “I nearly had a heart attack just so that feline imbecile could deck himself out like Liberace?”

“Well, sir, as you don’t actually have a heart you aren’t technically capable of having a heart attack –”

“Shut up Kryten!” Rimmer snapped. “No one cares about your technicalities! Holly, can you please just open the door to this damn lift.”

Holly’s face reappeared on the screen. “Can do, Arnold.” The doors of the lift slid smoothly open and Rimmer stalked out.

“I’ll be putting you all on report for this!” Rimmer said as he started to walk down the corridor. “There’s going to be so much paperwork to fill out. It’s going to be marvellous.”

Lister watched the hologram’s retreating figure with mixed emotions. It would be so easy just to let him go, to go back to their usual routine of sniping and gripping and repressed feelings. But did he really want that?

“Hey Rimmer”, he called out. The hologram stopped in his tracks and turned back to face Lister.

“What?” Rimmer said. Lister hesitated, trying to find the right words. Rimmer tapped a foot impatiently. “Well, spit it out. I haven’t got all day. Those forms aren’t going to fill themselves out.”

“Do you want to have dinner with me tonight?” Lister blurted out.

Rimmer blinked. “What?”

Lister took a deep breath. “Dinner. With me. Tonight. Seven-thirty. Parrots on G deck.”

“But I don’t eat, Lister, what with being dead for the last three million years. Or had you forgotten?”

“We can get Holly to programme some hologrammatic food for you. Something dead fancy, like lobster or something. I’ll avoid soup though, promise, hot or cold.”

Rimmer’s face creased in confusion. “But why go to all the bother of creating fake food for a dinner that I don’t even need to eat? Why would you-”

“It’s not about the smegging food Rimmer!” Lister cried, throwing up his arms in frustration.

“Then what is it about?” asked Rimmer, looking utterly perplexed.

“The fact that I’m smegging in love with you!” screamed Lister.

The silence that followed Lister’s statement was so absolute you could have heard a skutter drop a pin.

Rimmer went very still. “What did you just say?” he asked slowly.

Lister sighed. There was no going back now. In for a penny, in for a pound as his Gran used to say. “That I love you, you smeghead, alright? I have done for a while now, but I’ve just been waiting for the right moment to tell you. But when we thought we were gonna die back there in the lift I realised that there is never going to be a right moment. So I’m telling you now; I, David Lister, am in love with you, Arnold Judas Rimmer. And I think that you might feel the same way about me. And it’s time we talked about that.”

Rimmer opened his mouth to respond but no sound came out. He opened and closed it for several seconds as if doing an impression of a guppy before he just let it hang open and stared at Lister in shock.

“So seven-thirty, yeah?” asked Lister. “Then we’ll talk about it?”

Rimmer regained enough motor function to nod mutely.

Lister wasn’t sure if the nod was an acknowledgment of Rimmer’s feelings for him or simply an indication that he would see Lister at seven-thirty. Hopefully it was both. Lister smiled. “Ok, see you then.” As he walked away, he had a thought and called back over his shoulder. “Oh, and wear that purple uniform. It’s very sexy. And maybe see if you can add a codpiece to it.”

As Lister turned a corner he heard Rimmer make some sort of high pitched choking sound. As he sauntered away, grinning from ear to ear, he wondered if that was the kind of noise Rimmer might also make in bed. Hopefully it wouldn’t be too long before he found out.

#Red Dwarf #reddwarf #arnold rimmer #david lister #dave lister #kryten #the cat #holly #reddwarffanfic #red dwarf fan fic

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let-sanji-say-fuck · 5 years

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Can you do a scenario for Law s/o doing a lap dance for Laws birthday or valentines day (you can pick) and that she's teasing Law by removing her clothes slowly or by touching him slow. Law is also tied up by his s/o powers (she can control any shadow she pleases even if it hers or not) making Law begs to be touch more and to touch her too. Also Law is really loud when he moans/screams and he begs alot. And she makes law almost reach his climax a couple of times. Long Rough NSFW please

I was supposed to finish and post this yesterday, but things happened and had to delay the update! I hope it’s still worth the waiting! (I’m sorry, I’m terrible at describing lapdances, ffs I’m not even sure this is a proper lapdance I’m sorry)

Word count: 1828.

Warnings: heavy smut, lapdance (not really), I try when it comes to teasing, I really do.

Trafalgar Law

“I don’t think that’s the best choice of clothing, [Name].”

“I happen to think it’s perfect for the occasion.”

When Law saw her come out of their shared bathroom in little more than one of the few white button-up shirts he owned, a black garter pressed against the meat of her right thigh and velvety red pumps, he knew they would be late for the party.

[Name] stepped forward with a sway on her hips that he caught and was mesmerized by instantly, until she was standing at arm’s length. The Jolly Roger on the bottom of his shirt, which reached down to half of her thighs, smiled tauntingly at him before he decided that her long legs and wide hips weren’t going to hog the fun of having his attention. His eyes shifted upwards and, pleased, he noticed the black, lacy bra that could be easily caught under a shirt so fair.

“Do you like it?” She spun once before performing a slow one-eighty turn, facing away from him and making a show out of bending down; her panties matched, and Law bit his lower lip, already needing to feel the curve of her ass in his hands and, in the best case scenario, against his hips.

“Very much.” He was honest. He knew she wanted to feel good about her body, so why not feed her ego a little bit? The corners of her cherry-red lips curled as she slowly turned her head to look at him over her shoulder before straightening up and facing him again. She had this mischievous glint in her eyes that he adored, cheek curved in a confident smirk. “What are you scheming, I wonder?”

Not questioning her momentary lack of answer, Law let himself be pushed down onto the bed and be almost straddled by her, one of her soft-looking legs bending on the mattress, next to his hip. Her hands came to rest on his shoulders, massaging slowly and feeling some tension melt away the deeper her fingertips dug into the taut flesh. Law breathed slowly, smirking up at her when he noticed the lip caught between her teeth when both hands started to feel the hard muscles underneath the sleeves of his thick hoodie.

When [Name] reached his hands and laced her fingers with his own tattooed ones, she was fully caging him between her legs, and Law hummed appreciatively at the gentle roll of her hips against the tightening front of his pants.

Out of a sudden, his wrists felt something wrap them together, firmly pressed against his back, and he gasped, instinctively struggling against the bindings, but stopped, hesitant, when [Name] clicked her tongue at him.

“[Name]...”

“It’s a shadow jutsu, Law. You like ninjas, don’t you?” Her hands slipped under the hem of the thick cloth and allowed her hands to explore the hard planes of his whole torso, as if she hadn’t done that several times before. The male huffed.

“Don’t fuck with me...” He trailed off, solely focusing on her nimble fingers pressing, caressing and pinching at his nipples, the mixture of pleasure and slight pain making his mouth open in a silent moan. His hands were already itching to grasp her thighs to bring her crotch closer to him and experiment some much-desired friction, but she wouldn’t have none of that, keeping a safe distance from the place he wanted her hands on the most, and scanning his every reaction under sinfully long eyelashes. A wide smile spread out across her lips.

“Funny, because I plan on doing exactly that...”

She raked her nails down, only to make her way back upwards with gentle caresses, as if to soothe the sting, a sting so good that caused a couple of pleasant shudders which [Name] could feel perfectly under her hands.

“Looks like the birthday boy is enjoying his present.” When he was about to comment on her mocking tone, she pulled away completely, stepping back on those delicious heels, managing to look perfectly gracious as her hands worked on the buttons of his shirt, tauntingly slow. Only when her cleavage was in full view, she stepped forward a little and knelt down between his legs, which she parted with a teasing nudge on his knees. Stroking her whole palms across the thin thighs, which also deceived by hiding a decent amount of muscle, she made sure to never break eye contact with Law, who was looking down at her with the desperation of a starved man already. The promise in her eyes, her breasts so tightly pushed together by that tight bra, the hungry smirk on her deeply-colored lips and her wandering hands were already making him lose his breath and, as much as he usually enjoyed being in control, having her take the reins every once in a while felt so right.

Abruptly, [Name] raised to her feet again, and Law wanted to groan in frustration, but the look in her eyes told him that it was better to keep his mouth shut. His patience was growing thin at an alarming rate, but just as quickly was he growing curious to find out how just far she would take him. The divided feelings on the whole situation overall created a bubble of frustration that he couldn’t just pinch broken by having her at a sane distance because his hands were tied by a shadow, apparently.

It was 100% a sock and she was messing with him in more ways than one.

He was fortunate, she finally allowed him some pleasure by leaning over and pressing her lips to his own, kissing him with a sense of urgency that made his fingers twitch. One of her hands cupped his cheek and caressed the skin fondly while the other shamelessly pressed and palmed at the bulge in his jeans, an amazing clash between chaste and downright sinful. Law sighed, feeling a wave of relief wash over him when she started to undo the button and pull the zipper down, and not that long after, she was sliding his pants down to his knees, where they pooled around his clean boots, mesmerizingly swaying her hips while she, once again, went back to the cozy position between his legs.

The strain from the pumps against the thin skin of her feet in her kneeling position was definitely uncomfortable, but if it wasn’t worth it for the delightful moan that left his mouth when she slipped her hand inside of his briefs, she didn’t know what would make it worth the discomfort.

“Damn it, [Name]… Stop playing already, please...” Perhaps it was the way in which he drew his words out, the overwhelming wetness sticking her panties to her throbbing core or that she was feeling generous and ready to give him whatever he needed at last – it was his birthday, after all –, but, against her initial intention of teasing him mercilessly, [Name] was already clawing at the underwear with one hand and pumping his dick at a steady pace with the other, taking note of all the places he enjoyed being touched at the most: swiping her thumb across the tip earned her a groan through gritted teeth, caressing the vein on the underside made his foot tap on the floor and his leg twitch, roaming her tongue from the base to the drop of precum on the top resulted in a drawn-out, deep moan... Before long, she was working on him with everything she got, every trick she had ever learned, only focusing on her breathing and an enthusiastic pace as she bobbed her head and stroked, with her hands, whatever her mouth couldn’t cover.

Despite the ragged breathing and whines and moans that grew more frequent with each passing minute, Law was doing a good job at keeping his composure, avoiding any harsh buck of his hips that could harm her, and keeping mostly still, without struggling against whatever was keeping his hands out of service. However, deep inside he was aching to grab a tight hold of that disheveled hair that gave her an alluring, feral look and control the pace, especially whenever she would slow down upon sensing his orgasm approaching, delaying it, much to his dismay. It was such a sweet, addictive torture, but after having her tongue stop lapping at his throbbing tip more times than he could recall in such a dizzy state of mind, he could only eagerly look forward to finally reaching his tipping point.

He had tried to bring his sounds to a minimum so that she couldn’t tell when he was going to come, to surprise her with an unexpected load – oh, the thought sent his mind reeling –, even if it would earn him a scolding later, but there was always a rebellious grunt that escaped his throat hoarsely, or the twitch of his cock against her tongue. It was the small signs that resulted in her pulling away and Law’s abdomen growing painfully tight.

“I hope you know I’m going to fuck you into the mattress when you untie the fucking sock-”

“Shadow.”

“Baby, I’d advise you don’t- oh, fuck!” The change in his voice when she wrapped her tempting lips around him once more was absolutely divine. Her hands caressed his inner things, tickling, feeling the skin twitch and spam, taking a hold of his balls and massaging; the added stimulation made him pray to whatever god there was up there that this was the goddamn charm. A long line of slurred curses and praise left his lips in a voice that had taken a slightly higher pitch, when he realized that she wasn’t pulling back, not when the coil in his belly snapped, not when he was bucking his hips gently into her mouth, shooting rope after rope at the back of her tight throat. He groaned loudly, arching his back beautifully before collapsing on his back, enjoying the aftershocks of the intense release. Shallow breaths left his open mouth as he shivered and started to curse his heavy choice of clothing, feeling himself sweat buckets and knowing fully well that he would have to change into something fresher.

“Don’t tell me you’re done already, Law,” the purr in her voice made him turn his head to the source of the voice, and his throat instantly went dry. He even forgot about the annoying bindings when his shocked eyes fell onto the sight of [Name] resting against the headboard of the bed, legs wide open for him and a thin finger caressing her wet slit. The only thing left on her was the garter. And the fucking pumps. “You have yet to try some cake.”

As if they weren’t late already, [Name] had to end up calling Penguin, telling him that Law wasn’t feeling up for the party, all in the most unconvincing, breathy voice and added to the relentless, wet sounds that came from somewhere in the background.

#Trafalgar Law #Female Pronouns #Smut #Scenario #One Piece #soul-stealer-reaper

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blackswaneuroparedux · 5 years

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Anonymous asked: You went from being a posh girl with an elite Oxbridge education to serving as a British army officer which is pretty rad. But today's world seems to be highly critical of war. War is seen as destructive and immoral. Is it though? Don't wars and conflicts in general build cultures and identities? Don't they push civilization to grow? The real question I want to ask you is does culture need conflict?

Mud, sweat, and blood doesn’t discriminate against one’s background. Neither do bullets, RPG rocket fire or IEDs.

When you put it like that it does seem ‘rad’ but it’s really nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing to remarkable to write home about.

To be perfectly honest I don’t think about the past other than as a series of closed chapters in my life. It’s done and dusted and now one moves on.

What matters is what challenges in life you set yourself to do today in preparation for tomorrow.

Onwards then to your question. And what a great question it is.

The answer I can give isn’t definitive but my reading of history - since that’s what I studied as well as Classics - is that yes, cultures do need conflict to grow but it doesn’t mean they should ever go looking for it because war - and I have first hand experience of it - is inevitably destructive and can be monstrously immoral.

But then again, the word ‘need’ makes my moral compass twitch. Do societies actually NEED war to build a better society and thus elevate a civilisation? I think that’s problematic to shift from description (history does show that societies have only progressed as a consequence of conflict) to prescription (societies can only grow through war and conflict).

We live in a (Western) moral based culture so no sane person gets up in the morning and states ‘right let’s have a jolly good war to get some exercise in and be home for tea time’. I mean that’s just nuts.

It would be more accurate to say states may feel they need war for whatever reason simply because it’s the state that decides to go to war or not and society either follows or resists. The state has the monopoly on violence (the army and security apparatus) but obviously it goes to war either in defence of the very survival of its culture or perhaps in defence of upholding its values.

Having said that a state of affairs in which everyone was blissfully happy would be very unproductive of anything except happiness. It is a bit like what we tend to think of as normal stress. If an individual is overwhelmed by stress, that is obviously a bad thing both for her and her work. If an individual feels no stress at all, then why should she do anything at all? We need some motivation to get going, presumably, and a degree of stress is fine to motivate us to get things done and succeed in our tasks. Perhaps this is a bad analogy. Maybe.

The thing about war, though, is that it so easily slips from being a period of some aggravation to becoming a highly destructive environment. History is littered with examples where statesmen think they could have a good war and not suffer inconsequentially e.g. First World War and Second World War to Vietnam and our contemporary wars.

We need to be careful between what we think we need and what we want. Whether a state goes to war or a limited conflict in the name of its culture depends on negotiating the tension between these two elements.

Has war pushed civilisations to grow? It depends. History is an ambivalent guide. One could argue either way. Civilisations can grow strong and dominant or lay the seeds of internal destruction.

I will make this one observation though. If states and society (and therefore culture) are not in synch with each other then that is a recipe for disaster and decay. For every Elizabethan or Victorian England there is a Romanoff Russia or a Hapsburg Austria.

Lately for some odd reason I have been talking to former and current soldiers who are friends of mine (British, French, and American) and mulling over this question of whether going to war in Iraq and Afghanistan actually influenced our western cultures and societies in tangible ways?

It clearly has but some would say arguably not in a positive way e.g. look how viscerally divided America is culture and politics wise or look at Britain and how divided we are as a culture over our relationship to Europe or even France with politically charged debates about immigration and multiculturalism. Far away wars can push civilisations to ‘grow’ but in what direction?

And when we talk about elevating civilisation culture wise who actually fights these wars and conflicts?

It’s not the artists or the intellectuals (to whom we look to for cultural elevation and achievement). This isn’t to diminish their valuable role in society because clearly they do have an important role. But unfortunately it’s nearly always the poor and those on the lowest rung of the social ladder who do the real fighting. And nearly always they never really benefit from the fruits of an elevated high culture because their sacrifice and exertions just gets forgotten as they scrape for recognition and respect and even mere survival.

Sadly, that’s just the way it is. It makes me angry and it should shame us all.

Your question does remind me of a very famous movie line which is wickedly witty and yet full of sad pathos. It is of course from Carol Reed’s classic film The Third Man with Orson Welles’ amoral character educating his friend about the actual ways of the world as way of justifying his criminal activities:

“Don't be so gloomy. After all it's not that awful. Like the fella says, in Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.”

Thanks for your question

#question #war #civilisation #culture #army #personal #bio

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aion-rsa · 3 years

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RiffTrax: A Guide to Christmas and Holiday Episodes

https://ift.tt/3p3xspq

Since its inception, RiffTrax has regularly visited the crazy world of Christmas movies and shorts because when you get down to it, Christmas is a crazy time and Santa’s such a rich concept that it’s easy to go completely off the rails with him. Here’s a look at all the various Christmas-related movies they’ve watched. Luckily, all of them are available on-demand, so you can buy them and download the entire movie with the audio already synced up.

A handful of the shorts were featured in previous editions of RiffTrax Live, but are also available on their own. Then there’s the Christmas Shorts-stravaganza, which not only featured a bunch of Christmas-based short films, but also a film about serving pork and some kind of competitive swimming event. Weird Al was there too! At the show…not…not the swimming event.

Like when I discussed the 30 Most Insane RiffTrax Shorts, I’m going to give both the lucid explanation of what each short or movie is supposed to be in a sane, reasonable world and what we actually get.

You can check out RiffTrax’s collection of Christmas movies and shorts right her.

“Now, come on. Let me show you the rest.” “No, really, I have to go, I…”

NESTOR THE LONG-EARED CHRISTMAS DONKEY (1977)

The Idea: Remember how great the Rankin/Bass stop-motion version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was? It was such a classic that people watch every year as a holiday tradition. Expanding on that world, the same company released Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey, figuring they’d spin another classic out of a more religious context. In it, Nestor undergoes some hardships due to the massive size of his ears, but is chosen to help Joseph and the pregnant Mary make it to Bethlehem.

The Output: You remember how Rudolph went, right? He was teased for a bit for being different, but that led to him discovering lovable, memorable characters and getting into fantastic adventures before proving his worth and showing that his so-called deformity was really his greatest strength. Okay, now imagine that exact story, only remove the lovable, memorable characters.

Then take that part of the movie where he’s teased and stretch it so it makes up 95% of the story. Hell, just make the thing completely depressing. There. You have Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey.

Movies

MST3K: A Christmas Episodes Guide for Mystery Science Theater 3000

By Gavin Jasper

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The 21 Best Christmas Horror Movies

By Rosie Fletcher and 5 others

This is an earlier RiffTrax release, so the only one on it is Mike. Hearing one riffer can be a little off-putting, but it’s worth it to see such a terrible rewrite of Rudolph without any of the magic. Oh, and spoilers for a 40-year-old holiday special, but Nestor ends up becoming best buddies with the man who killed his mother and it’s never explained because it’s at the very end of the movie. I guess Jesus being born really packed a punch.

“Introducing Chewbacca’s family!” “And many scream-yourself-awake nightmares!”

STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL (1978)

The Idea: In a time when Empire Strikes Back was far from release but the studios wanted to keep Star Wars in the public’s mind so they’ll keep buying their merchandise, it was decided to bring the cast in for a prime-time holiday special in the ’70s. Based on Han Solo trying to get Chewbacca home to his family in time for Wookie Life Day, the special features everyone from Luke to Vader with special guest stars Art Carney and Bea Arthur. It also has an animated short that gives us the very first appearance of Boba Fett!

The Output: Whenever I try to explain the Star Wars Holiday Special to someone who has never seen it or even heard of it, I point out that George Lucas, known for being a pretty greedy guy, refused to make money off of it in any way. He would never release the Holiday Special in any format because he was that disgusted by it. I don’t blame him because if not for Mike, Kevin, and Bill, I wouldn’t have been able to sit through it myself.

Star Wars: Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader Had a Rematch Before A New Hope

By John Saavedra

100 Best Christmas TV Episodes of All Time

By Wesley Mead

Each segment appears to be more horrific than the last. We get huge stretches of time where Chewbacca’s family just kind of meanders around their household, growling at each other, with no subtitles. There are “comedy” and musical bits that are just a slog to sit through. One such bit appears to be Chewbacca’s father Itchy watching virtual reality porn. Not even kidding. Mark Hamill is covered in enough makeup to put the studio in the red from their cosmetics budget, Harrison Ford looks like he’d rather be doing anything else, Carrie Fisher is pretty high, and Bea Arthur sings lyrics over the “Cantina Song.” It’s a glorious Hell.

As the cherry on top, the version they watch has all the 1970s commercials completely intact. One of which features Schneider from One Day at a Time!

“He always has loads of fun.” “Why, here he is in Dallas in 1963!”

A VISIT TO SANTA (1963)

The Idea: A couple of kids send a letter to Santa Claus, asking to visit him at the North Pole before Christmas. Santa decides it’s a good idea and has them picked up and brought over in a magic helicopter. He shows Dick and Ann around his home and talks for a moment about how he spreads yuletide cheer through Thanksgiving parades. Then they ride around on a rocket and look at Santa’s prized train set.

The Output: It’s summed up perfectly when Kevin notes, “Interesting. I didn’t know that David Lynch made a Christmas film.” The whole production is very creepy, reminiscent of Manos: Hands of Fate’s cinematography. With all the many Santas that the RiffTrax guys have seen over the years, this one is probably the least jolly (that is, until A Song for Santa). He comes off as a deranged murder suspect trying to lay low with a disguise. In fact, everything about this short is suspect, like the elves, who are really just little kids in miniskirts.

Movies

Why Chronicles of Narnia’s Santa Claus Celebrates Christmas with Weapons of War

By Juliette Harrisson

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Christmas Movies: A Complete Holiday Streaming Guide

By Alec Bojalad and 1 other

Dick and Ann only have a few lines in the opening and thank God for that. We can understand maybe five percent of anything they have to say.

“Ah, good. Finally, on the silver screen, the be-top-hatted spider-dog of my nightmares. Unless…I’m just having another nightmare.”

CHRISTMAS TOYSHOP (1945)

The Idea: As two kids are put to bed on Christmas Eve, their father tries to set up the tree and all the gifts downstairs. He stumbles around and the ruckus makes them think – in their dreams – that Santa just fell down the chimney. Sharing the same dream, they go downstairs and greet Santa. The little girl asks about where the toys come from and Santa tells the story of a magical toy shop. From here, it becomes a cartoon about living toys having fun when the shop owner is gone.

The Output: The animated sequence is your usual old, black and white cartoon fare. A bunch of toys do stuff for several minutes, including a forgettable musical number, then a plot suddenly happens at the end. Here, it’s an evil spider showing up to try and kidnap a toy of Little Miss Muffet, causing the toy soldiers to come to her rescue.

Movies

20 Christmas Movies for Badasses

By Michael Reed

Movies

The Mystery Picture on the National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation DVD Cover

By Daniel Langrish-Beard

Somehow, the live-action segment is supposed to be a framing device and everything about the cartoon is being related by Santa. Why he’s telling them about a spider kidnapping a toy, I don’t know, but there you go.

This won’t be the last questionable piece of Santa Claus storytelling. We’ll get to that in a bit.

“Wow. I have literally never seen anything as small and of no account as this tree.”

CHRISTMAS RHAPSODY (1947)

The Idea: A lonely, tiny tree sits in the middle of the snowy forest, feeling itself worthless and meaningless. To its surprise, it’s taken in by a family and set up in their cabin. They decorate it for Christmas and give it the meaning it had been wanting for all this time.

The Output: You know, this one is almost decent, at least in concept. The basic Christmas moral buried in there is rather touching. Too bad the short has two things working against it. One, it’s really boring. Two, the tree is such a sad sack and won’t shut up about how much it sucks. It keeps explaining itself as being small and of no account, which will get your eyes rolling after the eighth time it repeats that.

There’s really nothing else to talk about here. Well, maybe the father’s creepy scalp.

“I need you tonight.” “WHOA!”

RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER (1948)

The Idea: No, not the Rankin/Bass cartoon we all know and love. This animated short is a completely different adaptation of the Rudolph song, predating the stop-motion special by decades. Rudolph is still made fun of for his nose and Santa needs his help due to a foggy night, but don’t expect to see his elf dentist buddy or the abominable snowman.

The Output: Other than the missing characters (which isn’t a criticism, since this came first and those guys weren’t mentioned in the song), the biggest difference in this telling is Rudolph’s status. The Rankin/Bass version made sense in that Santa had a bunch of reindeer living at the North Pole, so of course Santa would come across Rudolph. Here, Rudolph lives in a reindeer civilization. According to this short, animals live like humans around the globe in different sectors (ie. a rabbit-only town) and the only known human being is Santa Claus.

Doctor Who: revisiting Steven Moffat’s Christmas specials

By Mark Harrison

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By Mike Cecchini and 4 others

Oh, man. Maybe this is a sequel to Peace on Earth. Pretend you know what I’m talking about.

Another high spot is Rudolph’s mother, who is for some reason shown completely dressed, walking on her hind legs, and having almost human proportions. The riffers all find themselves sexually confused by this.

“Watch this!” “I saw Bam Margera do this on Jackass!”

A CHRISTMAS DREAM (1946)

The Idea: A little girl is happy to receive a few new toys on Christmas. So happy that she discards her older, rattier doll. As she goes to sleep that night, Santa decides to teach her a lesson about the value of one’s belongings by giving her a dream where her old doll comes to life to plead for her attention.

The Output: This is live-action and the doll is depicted with stop-motion animation. To this short’s credit, the animation is incredibly well done, especially for such an old film. It’s also really horrifying and the riffers don’t stop harping on that. The little girl is so excited when any sane person would be in a fear coma.

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Also, Santa can make you dream whatever he wants. I didn’t know that. That’s disturbing and a far bigger threat than getting coal in your stocking. All he needs are elves in the background, playing jump rope.

“One, two…you better not shout… Three, four…you better not cry… Five, six…you better not pout… Seven, eight…I’m telling you why…”

“Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!” “Well, Happy Christmas to the one household I visited! The rest of the planet can ram it for all I care!”

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (1946)

The Idea: We all know the famous poem A Visit from St. Nicholas by Clement Clarke Moore. This is another adaptation of it, though without the bickering cartoon mice. Rather, we see Santa as he visits a home, delivers gifts, and flies off into the night.

The Output: This is one of the most reasonable of all the entries here because there isn’t much you can do to screw up that classic. The only questionable stuff is how rather than have any kind of special effects budget, shots of Santa flying off on his sleigh are done through animation and go back to live-action in close-ups. Otherwise, it’s fairly forgettable amongst the other freaky shorts and movies they watch.

Still, it is a dick move of Santa to give one kid a tiny toy shovel for Christmas. Who the hell would want that?

“Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in 150-plus movies, RiffTrax has nothing to say.” “Just this…enjoy.”

SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY (1972)

The Idea: Santa is stranded in the sands of Florida. His sleigh is partially buried in the sand and his reindeer have abandoned him. He calls over a group of children to help him get the sleigh out of the ground, but to no avail. Santa insists that they don’t give up and relates their situation to the story of Thumbelina (or Jack and the Beanstalk). Luckily, the kids know one magical creature who just might be able to help Santa and make sure Christmas is saved.

The Output: God, where do I even start with this? It’s hard to sit through, but this is one of the most must-see riffs.

The Ice Cream Bunny is practically a mascot for RiffTrax (sorry, Disembaudio). It’s bad in every way. It’s an inconceivable mess. The Santa parts are embarrassing to watch and make you feel really uneasy in its disturbing, low-rent cheesiness. Then you’re rescued from it thanks to Santa telling the story of Thumbelina. By that I mean that they play a completely separate movie with a higher budget that has absolutely nothing to do with the Santa situation. This “flashback” is 50 minutes long and the entire movie is an hour and a half, so yeah. The Thumbelina stuff is also creepy to watch, if not boring at times, but it’s worth powering through.

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By Gavin Jasper

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By Chris Farnell

Once we return to Santa, we’re finally introduced to the Ice Cream Bunny. Words cannot do this justice. It’s a guy in a terrible rabbit suit driving a fire truck filled with kids when the guy most certainly can’t see what he’s doing and almost runs over a dog. There’s this really unsavory feeling watching what’s supposed to be a delightful movie for children and Bill kills it by adding a horrifying, demented laugh whenever the Ice Cream Bunny is on screen.

RiffTrax has two different versions of the movie. One is the classic VOD released in 2010, where the movie takes a lengthy break to show us the stuff with Thumbelina. In 2015, they did a RiffTrax Live edition with a different print of the movie. In it, the Thumbelina stuff was replaced with Jack and the Beanstalk. Comparing the two is a no-brainer as Jack and the Beanstalk is far more entertaining on its own and is 70s as hell. Plus the RiffTrax Live version includes several bonkers shorts beforehand.

“The sequel to The Ice Cream Bunny’s Amos and Andy!”

SANTA CLAUS’ PUNCH AND JUDY (1948)

The Idea: Santa visits a large group of children (orphans?) and delivers their presents, but one of them asks for a Punch and Judy puppet show. Santa uses his magic to summon such a performance to the delight of the children.

The Output: Have you ever watched a Punch and Judy show? Yeah, nobody goes out of their way to see one. There’s nothing all that wrong with the kids, Santa, or the setup in this short. The focus is just on what I imagine to be a skilled exhibition of puppeteering that hasn’t aged well. Just a puppet beating his girlfriend with a stick, as well as various animals, and we get a break where two minstrel show puppets have a boxing match. So yeah, fun for children.

“He’s like some horrible Soviet Bloc animated version of Santa.” “His nose looks like an infected thumb!”

THE SHANTY WHERE SANTY CLAUS LIVES (1933)

The Idea: A poor little boy live alone and in the cold, doomed to freeze on Christmas Eve. Luckily, he’s discovered by Santa, who takes him away to his own home, where the kid sees all sorts of wonders.

The Output: First thing’s first, the Santa Claus in this movie is rather horrific, one of the scariest of all the Santas in all of these movies, which is impressive for a cartoon. Despite being the title character, he only gets about a minute of screen time anyway. The rest is either the kid being depressed and cold or the kid watching yet another old-timey cartoon scenario where the toys just kind of do stuff and sing for several minutes until something resembling a plot happens at the end. In this case, the tree accidentally catches on fire and the boy has to help put it out.

The most striking thing about this short is the never-ending parade of racism. Lot of uncomfortable toys lounging in the shanty where Santy Claus lives.

“Ooooooh, I’m full grown, all right!” “Kids, if you ever hear someone say that in that voice, call the cops.”

MAGIC CHRISTMAS TREE (1964)

The Idea: A child befriends a witch around Halloween and is given a seed that will eventually sprout a magical Christmas tree. Not only does it talk, but it will also grant him three wishes! Unfortunately, the power goes to the boy’s head and his poor decisions put Christmas in some serious danger.

The Output: While it may not be the absolute best RiffTrax, it’s the best kind of bad movie for them to tackle. The movie is incredibly strange, but it gradually builds on it. In the beginning, it’s almost straightforward, but it gets more and more questionable as the minutes pass. For instance, there’s a scene where the main character’s family leaves to go Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. The boy makes a wish to have ultimate power for a limited time (why a limited time? I don’t know) and uses his power to make it day and then goes around messing with people who are doing their usual daily routines, not at all aware that it’s supposed to be the night before Christmas.

Movies

The Best Alternative Christmas movies

By Mark Harrison

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By Alana Joli Abbott

By the end, we have a greed-loving giant living in the mountains showing up out of nowhere. What Christmas movie isn’t complete without a greed-loving giant living in the mountains showing up out of nowhere?

“And in the second place, ice cream break was over more than an hour ago!” “Ah, kids love it when furries have labor disputes.”

SANTA’S ENCHANTED VILLAGE (1964)

The Idea: As a sequel/extension of the Mexican Santa Claus movie (more on that later), we see a village where Santa’s various helpers get toys ready for the holiday season. Unfortunately, Stinky the Skunk would rather take extremely long breaks, much to the chagrin of his supervisor, the Ferocious Wolf.

The Output: By “sequel” I mainly mean that the guy who made this had the rights to the Santa Claus movie and would occasionally toss in clips from it. The original footage in this short (and the two that follow) are incredibly low-rent, mainly in the form of the mascot costume characters and their terrible voices. Most notable is how the Ferocious Wolf is accompanied by loud, obnoxious accordion noises whenever he walks around. Which is a lot.

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By Ivan Radford

The Best Christmas Movies Available on Netflix

By Alec Bojalad

One of the true highlights is when the Ferocious Wolf visits Santa’s office and rants about how Stinky the Skunk is such a bad employee. Santa’s reaction is to just sit there the entire time, nodding and laughing his ass off like a lunatic. Which reminds me, the Ferocious Wolf complaining about his ulcer is – I kid you not – his catchphrase.

“Hey! Right here at this moment, this officially became the craziest thing ever made by man.” “Seriously, Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas.”

SANTA CLAUS AND HIS HELPERS (1964)

The Idea: The Ferocious Wolf, Stinky the Skunk, and Puss’n Boots get in a big argument and Santa is none too pleased. Watching from space along with his good friend Merlin, Santa decides to go give his angry employees a visit and set them straight.

The Output: This installment of the Santa’s Village of Madness Trilogy is easily the least coherent. Seeing the costumed characters is complete bedlam and even the riffers give up in awe of the chaos. Not only is half of the footage of this short taken directly from Santa Claus, but a couple minutes are taken from Santa’s Enchanted Village! But hey, no angry accordion music this time, so that’s something.

“Whoa! He’s got a face like a squid’s anus!”

SANTA’S MAGIC KINGDOM (1966)

The Idea: Puss’n Boots is the head of security in Santa’s Village and he confronts a visitor. It turns out to be a princess on the run from a giant ogre that’s out to destroy Santa Claus and end Christmas! Puss needs to gather an army together to face this beast and save Christmas.

The Output: So this giant ogre? They never actually show him. Well, except for a shot of a lame dinosaur statue that we see for a second. I don’t know if that’s actually supposed to be the ogre. Whatever. Otherwise, the narrative is just another fever dream filmed with the tiniest budget. Merlin ends up being the one to challenge the big monster and what a fight it is! I think. They never actually show any of it. We just hear them off-screen while everyone else reacts. The elves couldn’t even do that right.

“Ladies and gentlemen, a third-string ballerina on painkillers.”

SANTA CLAUS AND THE FAIRY SNOW QUEEN (1951)

The Idea: A six-inch tall woman called the Snow Queen visits Santa on Christmas Eve, but is annoyed to see him sleeping in her presence. As a joke, she gives life to a handful of nearby toys. The various toys dance and laugh, but are reluctant to be given off to children as lifeless gifts. Not only have they taken to being alive, but they’ve also grown attached to each other. Whatever will Santa and the Snow Queen do?

The Output: This whole thing is incomprehensible and it doesn’t help that the Snow Queen has a really thick European accent that you can barely cut through. The real star of this short is the Candy Lion. See, while you have understandable, recognizable toys hanging around like a toy soldier, a ballerina, a ragdoll, a Jack-in-the-box, and so on, you also have the Candy Lion. Described as a half-mummified Chewbacca, the dead-eyed toy stands around in the background for the most part and gets one memorable line when he excitedly brags to Santa, “I can eat candy!”

13 Craziest Interpretations of Santa Claus to Ever Slide Down a Chimney

By Daniel Kurland

Culture

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By Tony Sokol

The Jack-in-the-box is easily one of the more annoying characters in RiffTrax history, though. Goddamn that repeating freak. This is all hosted by Snoopy, a high-pitched “brownie” (which appears to be no different than an elf) who I’m not sure if I’m repulsed by or attracted to.

“My finger isn’t tired!” “Oh, God! What is he about to do?!”

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964)

The Idea: On Mars, children have become joyless and robotic due to the planet’s lack of fun and insistence on constant studying and good behavior. The only thing that brings them any happiness is watching Earth programs, such as news on this Santa Claus character. Afraid for the future of his planet, Kimar and his crew visit Earth to kidnap Santa (and eventually two children) and bring him to Mars so that he can spread joy to their world…whether he wants to or not!

The Output: While this movie may be on the IMDB bottom 100, I consider it a guilty pleasure. As I discussed when speaking with Kevin Murphy, I think at its core, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a great concept for a children’s movie. It has its own unique whimsy. Unfortunately, it’s hurt by bad, hammy acting and the kind of bad costuming and effects you’d expect from a movie like this.

Movies

10 remarkable things: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

By Ryan Lambie

The Best Christmas Movies Available on Amazon Prime

By Alec Bojalad

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is the only RiffTrax movie to also be featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000, Cinematic Titanic (the offshoot where the other MST3K cast members went off to), and RiffTrax, all with their own unique set of jokes. There’s a good reason for that. The movie is incredibly silly and ripe for mockery, yet at the same time completely and utterly watchable. The RiffTrax version features the movie in its entirety, rather than the abridged version from MST3K.

“Don’t you wish that your school bus looked like this?!” “Packed with bearded lunatics and flanked by grim clowns? No!”

FUN IN BALLOON LAND (1965)

The Idea: A little boy goes to sleep and dreams of a world of giant balloon people and other children to play with. After getting into a variety of adventures, he and a little girl watch a holiday parade filled with all sorts of balloon floats.

The Output: This 1960s nightmare is the perfect B-side to Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny. The first third of it is complete and utter nonsense. This little boy would just wander around a warehouse, stumble upon some kind of big balloon statue, someone would voice said statue by shouting from across the room off-screen, and then it would move on to a completely unrelated scene. There is a group of ballerinas who show up to dance for absolutely no reason. At one point the boy is inexplicably walking around in only a gold lamé diaper and Kevin wonders, “Is this movie even legal?” The boy proceeds to hit on mermaids and plays hide-and-seek with a lobster thing.

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Then it becomes old footage of a holiday parade that lasts about a half hour and has more clowns and majorettes than I have ever seen in one place at one time. It’s pretty dry, but the woman narrating it is completely insane and the RiffTrax crew show absolutely no mercy in painting her as some kind of drunk lunatic. She ends the movie with a “guessing game” where she keeps changing the rules every three seconds and you don’t even know what the hell is going on.

“Still going? If this was a game of Ski Free, the Abominable Snowman would have gobbled them up hours ago.”

ZLATEH THE GOAT (1973)

The Idea: A boy named Aaron reluctantly has to bring his family’s prized goat Zlateh to the butcher in order to sell her. During the journey, the weather takes a horrible turn and Aaron and Zlateh are forced to hide out under a pile of hay for several days. The two form a bond that allows them to survive the ordeal.

The Output: This Hanukkah story is absolutely miserable. Despite being just a short, it feels like it goes on forever and pads itself out with many shots of the kid having to drag the goat through the snow. And you know how I just said that they form a bond that allows Aaron to survive? Yeah, that’s from him drinking milk directly from Zlateh. It’s nasty.

“It’s fun to make things of sugar. And they are good to eat.” “WHAT?!” “Just grab a slice of instant diabetes, kids!”

AT YOUR FINGERTIPS: SUGAR AND SPICE (1970)

The Idea: The At Your Fingertips series is all about arts and crafts using stuff around the house. Here, we see how you can use sugar to create festive Christmas ornaments. Through creativity and hard work, you can make decorating a blast!

The Output: The At Your Fingertips series is all about spending way too much time on ugly and insane crap that really looks far from fun. This Christmas-related one is no different. Things come off as less festive and more gross and unpleasant. And that’s before the children start eating pure sugar. Ugh.

“If she’s already sleeping, we might be able to see her dreams.” “We’re in, children. Let’s get ready to begin our Christmas inception. I won’t lie to you: we might have to shoot our way out.”

SANTA CLAUS (1959)

The Idea: In a Mexican adaptation of the Santa Claus myth, we see the jolly one as he spends the night delivering presents. Some children get extra focus for the movie, including a little boy whose parents don’t seem to have time for him and a poor, little girl who only wants a doll to play with. As Santa tries to make right by them, he’s vexed by Pitch, a devil sent to ruin Christmas for everyone.

The Output: This is another MST3K double-dip, but for good reason. It’s delightfully insane. See, Santa is already a nutty concept, but we get into Drunk History territory here where the people behind the movie don’t quite get it and his mythology gets even stranger in translation.

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By Jim Knipfel

The 12 Best SNL Holiday Sketches

By Chris Longo and 1 other

Did you know Santa is good friends with Merlin the Magician? Did you know that he has a burly blacksmith working for him? Or that Santa lives in space with little children from all around the world doing his bidding? Or that he regularly fights the minions of Satan?

The MST3K version might be better, but it is nice getting to see the full cut of the movie for once.

“Who and what are you?” “I am—“ “Meryl Streep. I am good in everything.”

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (1952)

The Idea: The Alastair Sim version of A Christmas Carol, otherwise known as Scrooge, is considered an outright classic. Perhaps the greatest telling of the Charles Dickens story of a hateful rich man realizing his own humanity thanks to being visited by ghosts. Here, we get to see the movie in its abridged form and get through it in minutes.

The Output: Listen, A Christmas Carol has a pretty solidified structure. Scrooge is a dick, his dead friend warns him, he gets led around by three other ghosts, and he comes out of it a better person. Abridging it simply does not work. Basically, Marley introduces him to the Ghost of Christmas Present and that’s enough to make a change. Bridget puts it best: “They edited the Dickens out of the movie!”

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By Wesley Mead

This short is part of Have a Mary Jo Christmas and a Bridget New Year, which is done by Mary Jo Pehl and Bridget Nelson instead of the usual riffers. It features some non-riff stuff in-between this and the following short…

“Man, I wish I hadn’t gone commando today…”

THE LITTLE LAMB (1955)

The Idea: During storytime, a group of children ask to hear a story about an animal while one girl wants to hear a story about Jesus. Their mother figures to cover both by telling the story of Jesus’ birth from the point of view of three shepherds. While two of them brave strong winds to save a lost, little lamb, an angel appears to them to tell them about the birth of Christ. They and their curmudgeonly associate go off to find the new king.

The Output: Honestly, this one isn’t all that bad, really. It’s a pretty solid production and the only part that really gets a rise out of Mary Jo and Bridget is when they warm baby Jesus’ body by laying the lamb next to him. It’s not the most memorable little short, but it’s fine for what it is.

Plus I’m always distracted by how much the guy playing Joseph looks like CM Punk. It’s downright uncanny in some shots.

“A real child’s actual tears! I know I’m ready for Christmas!”

I BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS (1984)

The idea: Simon is a bullied child whose parents have been kidnapped by African soldiers. Desperate to get them back, he and a friend sneak off from a school field trip and board a plane in hopes to find where Santa Claus lives. Alongside a Christmas Fairy (who looks an awful lot like Simon’s kindly teacher), Santa goes to Africa to rescue the captives. Meanwhile, the children are captured by an ogre.

The Output: Did any of that sound lucid? Because this French film is out there, man. It’s cute, but it also decides that being a kid’s movie means it doesn’t have to be logically coherent. You know, even though there’s an entire plot thread about African warlords kidnapping people. Kids like that stuff, right?

You know that, “I’m the captain now!” part of Captain Phillips? Imagine Tom Hanks replaced with Santa in that scene and you’re just hitting the tip of the iceberg of how bizarre this Christmas film is.

“Monkeys, you know, are very much like human beings in many ways. And sometimes they do the very same things that we do.” “Why, here’s a monkey Black Friday stampede!”

SANTA CLAUS’ STORY (1945)

The Idea: It begins with Twas the Night Before Christmas and ends with the, “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus,” speech. In-between, Santa tells two children about how monkeys also celebrate Christmas and have their very own Monkey Santa Claus.

The Output: Monkey Santa Claus. Really.

This short is barely being held together by a narrative. They basically have a bunch of footage of monkeys and chimps doing stuff and since this includes 20 seconds of a chimp wearing a horrifying Santa Claus mask and costume, they decide that there’s a Monkey Christmas and write everything around that.

Somehow, this was the sanest thing shown at the RiffTrax Live for Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.

“Bricks on his face. Sure! He’s a dragon.” “All dragons have bricks on their face.”

THE TALE OF THE CUSTARD DRAGON (1965)

The Idea: Ogden Nash’s poem for children comes to life. A little girl has a pet dog, cat, mouse, and dragon. The dragon, named Custard, is a bit of a coward and only wants to be let alone. But then on one Christmas Eve, when his friends are attacked by an evil pirate, Custard has to stand up and save their presents.

The Output: The poem is acted out via a handful of kids in little Halloween costumes, including Custard being a dragon with a brick facemask. The short takes place in somebody’s den and aesthetically, the whole thing is a weird mess. Custard also straight-up murders the pirate, which makes sense on the page, but feels a bit off the reservation when we see a child viciously attacking an adult in a lame costume.

“AAAAAHHHH! Hannibal Lecter’s Christmas trees!” “Good God, he’s keeping them alive!”

THE CHRISTMAS TREE (1975)

The Idea: This short tells us the story of three pine trees who are cut down and go through the process of becoming Christmas trees. This means being sold, being decorated, enduring Christmas, and, sadly, being discarded. Shown in live-action, the trees are portrayed by mimes in tree costumes and facepaint.

The Output: It’s cute, but also bewildering. With zero dialogue, we watch these three guys mug at each other while Christmas stuff happens around them. As strange as it is by default, it loses its mind in the final minutes when we see the trees thrown in the garbage as they start to die. Not only do the trees-with-faces die, but we get to see their trees-with-faces ghosts fly up into the sky.

Tree ghosts. Yup.

“GAH! His face looks like a series of horrible wounds!” “That just started healing.” “What are the dots..?!”

SANTA’S CHRISTMAS CIRCUS (1966)

The Idea: Hey, kids! It’s time for Whizzo the Clown! This local TV clown has a special show in store for everyone as he and his audience of kids play around and pretend to be circus performers! Then they check out some motorized Christmas-based decorations before getting ready for the main event: riding a magic carpet and visiting Santa himself!

The Output: This one’s best summed up right after the opening credits end. As Whizzo walks out and mumbles loudly like he’s having an episode, Mike laughingly wonders if they’ve gone too far, knowing that the three of them are about to sit through some rough shit. While Whizzo certainly has energy and some kind of charisma, he’s also the poster boy for why people are frightened of clowns without having to go the easy serial killer route. No, he’s a friendly and jokey clown, but he’s also completely horrifying to look at.

This low-budget affair not only features Whizzo’s catchphrase of, “Now I have that to worry about,” but also the catchphrase of one girl in the audience loudly coughing throughout the hour. It’s incredibly uncomfortable to sit through.

“Yeah… Celebrate the nativity… That’s what daddy likes…”

GIFTS FROM THE AIR (1937)

The Idea: A poor boy wanders through the snow, enduring Christmas Eve without food, family, or toys. He comes across a toy store where a dancing toy soldier annoys the store owner enough to have him thrown out. The boy takes the soldier in to his humble home and his good deed is rewarded as the toy soldier happens to know how to summon Santa Claus himself!

The Output: Dancing toy cartoons with poor kids is nothing new for RiffTrax, but this one is certainly unique enough to be a must-watch. The moment Santa delivers the toys to the little boy, it becomes complete and utter madness. It’s a bunch of bizarre toys who talk like what appears to be 1930s celebrities. Like there’s a goat that sings like Bing Crosby, so even though I know who Bing Crosby is, that doesn’t make the toy goat make any more sense.

Movies

MST3K Turkey Day: The Long History of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Thanksgiving

By Gavin Jasper

Culture

Best Holiday Gifts for Geeks in 2020

By Chris Cummins

The highlight is when a Santa Jack-in-the-box pops out and tells another toy something so indistinct that Mike notes, “‘How the hell are you, scramble puss? Smelly Christmas to you,’ is what I heard.”

“Well. This place looks cozy. I LIVE HERE NOW!”

SANTA CLAUS’ WORKSHOP (1930s)

The Idea: Once again, we get to see how Santa Claus performs his duties. From his home in the North Pole to the home of a nice middle-class family, we see Santa get letters from kids, fly on his sleigh, and deliver the presents themselves. We also get a look at the family in question, who celebrate the holidays via singing a lovely rendition of “O Come All Ye Faithful.”

The Output: It’s your usual fare on this one and not too much that sticks out. That’s not to say that it’s meant to be skipped, as Kevin singing “Pretty Woman” over “O Come All Ye Faithful” makes this worth the dollar.

The one part of the short that makes it seem off is the revelation towards the end that Santa doesn’t simply fly across the world to deliver presents in one go, but instead flies back and forth for every single household. I mean, Santa can only carry so many presents in that sack of his, right?

“And so, they started out together, not realizing they were being followed.” “Well, they were easy to track…thanks to a long trail of spunk.” “DAMN IT, KEVIN!” “(Sorry.)”

SPUNKY THE SNOWMAN (1958)

The Idea: When a group of children write a letter to Santa, it’s up to their newly-created snowman Spunky to deliver it to Santa himself. Spunky and the little dog Jeff go on a quest, only to be opposed by a fox, an owl, and a wolf. Each creature wants to steal that letter and bring it to Santa, figuring that they can then steal the gifts. Spunky and Jeff are soon aided by a bear, but can even he keep them safe?

The Output: The guy’s name is Spunky. You know exactly what kind of jokes you’re getting the second you see that title.

Otherwise, it’s an animated story that tries to be whimsical, but is really just nonsense. It takes a bunch of Christmas cliches like magic snowmen, letters to Santa, talking animals, and desire for Christmas trees and badly pastes it all together into a confusing package.

“When you’re not shaking that over our heads to make us work, you can hobble around on it and enjoy your sciatica!” “A zinger from TV’s Frank!”

BEYOND CHRISTMAS (1940)

The idea: Three old rich men feel lonely during Christmas night and one comes up with an idea of throwing wallets with $10 bills out onto the sidewalk and inviting anyone kind enough to return them to enjoy dinner with them. The gambit pays off and leads to a romance between a Texan with a golden voice and a schoolteacher. Unfortunately, tragedy strikes the old men and they have to help the couple out from beyond the grave.

The output: This movie (originally known as Beyond Tomorrow) is actually pretty damn good. It’s a little sluggish in the second half, but it’s original, has some likeable characters, and never really gets too stupid. Even Bridget and Mary Jo find themselves getting invested in what’s going on when they should be telling jokes. With them, it feels more like you’re watching a movie together rather than just watching them rip it apart.

Personally, I think it would make for a better Christmas movie if the first act took place during Thanksgiving and built towards an ending happening during Christmas. Might have made the supernatural and uplifting stuff pop more.

“Seriously, what the Hell is going on with the mitten tree?!”

CHRISTMAS CUSTOMS NEAR AND FAR (1955)

The idea: As some children prepare for a Christmas pageant, one asks their teacher about the origins of the Christmas tree. This leads to her explaining how children from different countries celebrate Christmas in varying ways.

The output: As we all know, different = funny. While some of the customs might be normal, it doesn’t help that most of them are depicted by children dressing up as foreigners while standing in front of a curtain. So it’s a Christmas pageant within a short about the attempt to rehearse a Christmas pageant. Crazy.

Through the short, we get to see a weird kid dancing around in an elf hat, a Christmas tree covered in mittens, and a thing about how kids in China do a big ceremony to celebrate the events of Christ’s birth.

“Whaddya know?! Armed and dangerous!” “None of my quips are funny but some…make very little sense!”

JACK FROST (1997)

The idea: Not to be confused with the Michael Keaton family film from the same time, Jack Frost deals with a serial killer who escapes captivity, only to be seemingly vaporized by a chemical spill. In actuality, he survives as living snow and uses his new form to attempt revenge on the police officer that arrested him in the first place. Even when the officer and his family know what they’re up against, they don’t even know if there’s a way to stop him.

The output: I remember renting this baby back in the late-90s and, hoo boy, it’s a lot worse than I remembered it being. As a horror villain, Jack Frost wants to be like Freddy Krueger or Chucky, where he kills his victims while belting out memorable one-liners. The problem is, everything he says falls flat or is complete nonsense. He constantly stumbles on his own attempts at charisma.

Movies

MST3K: The Landmark Episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000

By Gavin Jasper

Doctor Who: The Weird Anomaly of the 1965 ‘Christmas Special’

By Andrew Blair

Despite taking place in a town in winter that’s supposed to support the existence of snowmen and sledding and the like, it’s obviously taking place in a hot and sunny area with weak attempts to hide it.

It’s still better than the sequel, which was one of those cringeworthy “intentionally bad” gems.

“God… Oh no, have they been hypnotized?” “I…I…I think it might be a cult. They’re quietly chanting to that tree right now.” “…I think the tree might be marrying them.” “This is horrible!”

A CHRISTMAS FANTASY (1962)

The Idea: Two children admire their Christmas tree before falling asleep on the couch. As they dream of trees in the winter, Santa Claus appears to deliver gifts. It’s only just over five minutes, so there isn’t much happening here.

The Output: Despite its short runtime, this one really meanders. The way the kids stare at the tree like they’re about to be murdered by the Blair Witch. The endless shots of trees with no leaves on them.

The money shot of this short is when Santa shows up. Rather than just get a guy to wear a beard and call it a day, they instead have him wear a mask. It seriously looks like Leatherface is pretending to be Santa here and it’s HORRIFYING. As the guys put it, even Krampus is freaked out by this Santa.

“Santa, I wrote you a new song!” “Oh, good! A song! That’ll get me hammered.”

A SONG FOR SANTA

The idea: A trio of lost boys find themselves in a church and sit down to enjoy the warmth and chorus. One child nods off from the music and finds himself in Santa’s domain, where he offers to create a new and original Christmas song to delight Santa and his angels.

The output: The first half is normal enough, despite little of interest happening. Right when the Santa stuff happens, things get weird and creepy. Instead of elves, Santa has little girls dressed as angels and disturbingly leers at them like there’s no good that can come out of whatever’s happening. The boy’s attempt to write Santa a new song goes nowhere, as he just sings him an old song with the justification that, “I didn’t know this song until now, so it must be new to you too.”

This is another one of those oddball shorts or movies where there’s a framing device that’s forgotten about. The boy never wakes up from his dream or anything. It just ends with him hanging out with creepy Santa and his underage harem.

“Spirit…tell me if Tiny Tim will live.” “I see an empty chair in the chimney corner.” “Oh, so he not only lives, he walks?!” “No!” “It’s a Christmas miracle!” “No, no!”

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (1959)

The idea: I explained Christmas Carol earlier. Luckily, we finally have a version that’s the full story and not abridged like what Bridget and Mary Jo watched.

The output: This one’s by Coronet Films, meaning it’s old as hell and feels cheap. To its credit, despite running at just over 20 minutes, it tells the complete story without feeling rushed. It just feels a bit under budget, what with the limited quality in costumes and several sets being some props on a fog-filled sound stage.

Still, it’s A Christmas Carol and you have to go out of your way to do a bad job with that. This one’s still fairly watchable, even if the riffs are well-deserved.

“This isn’t so much A Miracle on 34th Street as it is A Horse Who Took a Dump on 34th Street.”

SANTA’S SUMMER HOUSE (2012)

The idea: A group of travelers get lost in a fog and end up at the doorstep of a kindly couple who allow them to stay in their mansion for a couple days. Little do these visitors realize that their hosts are none other than Santa Claus and his wife! The two try to use their wisdom and magic to improve the lives of these visitors and mend their relationships.

The output: This piece of shit is written and directed by the same guys who gave us A Talking Cat!?! It even takes place in the same house. At least with Talking Cat!?! there were two separate houses used. Here, it’s just the one.

It’s a hell of a lineup of actors. Mrs. Claus starred in RiffTrax target Honor and Glory. The egomaniac scientist guy in this movie is the JCVD knockoff from MST3K’s Future War. Santa himself is played by Robert Mitchum’s son. Even though he isn’t all that overweight and doesn’t have a beard, he’s still identified as looking a lot like Santa.

The movie is just bad dialogue said by bad actors, occasionally broken up by wipe edits featuring Christmas Clip-Art. It never reaches Talking Cat!?! levels of batshit, but it’s still stupid as a pile of rocks.

“They’re buying a brother?!”

CHARLIE’S CHRISTMAS SECRET (1984)

The idea: A young Seth Green plays Charlie, who feels that he’s outgrown Christmas. The commercialism does nothing for him and makes him feel hollow. At first, his instincts are vindicated when he comes across various others – a bitter, old woman, a poor single mother, and a scheming homeless man – but soon he realizes the meaning of Christmas by putting their needs first.

The output: Again, this one is halfway decent. All in all, it tells a really sweet story. It just happens to have a few awkward aspects to it. The whole thing has subtitles and they almost never match what’s actually being said, instead going for the simplest way of conveying whatever thoughts. Like instead of saying, “No thank you, I’m not hungry right now,” it would just say, “No.”

The most questionable part of this special, and something that I’m glad is called out by the riffers, is that Charlie apparently has to buy his own Christmas gifts. Part of the plot is that he has his eye on a stereo and instead of asking Santa for it or having his parents buy it for him, he has to save up the money from his paper route, get the stereo, and then have his mother wrap it and place it under the tree.

What the Hell?

“No. No way. There’s no such thing as Santa Claus. You’re just someone in a Santa suit.” “That’s why YOU never get anything for Christmas!” “Also, ’cause you made Feeders!”

FEEDERS 2: SLAY BELLS (1998)

The Idea: Previously, aliens invaded and feasted on a handful of confused and horrified Earthlings. Now a second UFO has arrived to conquer again, this time with its aliens creeping around and causing havoc through a suburban town. As one family gets ready for Christmas, they gradually come to realize how doomed they truly are.

The Output: RiffTrax was kind of slick on this one. On Halloween of 2019, they put out a riff for an utterly terrible low-budget piece of garbage called Feeders, which is about a bunch of laughable alien puppets invading Earth and killing some of the ugliest people to ever show up on film. Then, just a couple months later, they released a riff on its Christmas-themed sequel.

While I do suggest watching the first one, you won’t be too lost if you don’t. A survivor from the first movie goes about summarizing the first movie’s events in a series of loose framing devices that aren’t directly connected to the rest of the movie. It is pretty funny on its own, though, because a character who died in the first movie and is featured prominently in the flashbacks is played by the very same guy who is the protagonist of this movie.

Movies

The 16 Best Winter Horror Movies

By Daniel Kurland and 3 others

The Twilight Zone Marathon: A History of a Holiday Tradition

By Arlen Schumer

Not only does the climax take place on Christmas Eve, but Santa gets involved! Santa, who for some reason sounds like Homsar from Homestar Runner, is attacked by aliens (who look even worse than in the first movie) and proceeds to be the secret weapon in saving the world. He’s up there with the over-the-top boss character and the silliest-looking dead cat special effect in reasons why you should watch this one.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

“And now I will read you this editorial.” “‘The Rent is Too Damn High!’ by Virginia O’Hanlon”

YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS (1974)

The Idea: A young girl, teased by her classmates, wonders about the existence of Santa Claus. Various adults try to assure her of his existence despite admitting that they’ve never actually met him. She ends up writing to the newspaper and asks them. Egged on by an ambitious paperboy, the newspaper’s editor decides to publish his response for everyone to read.

The Output: Imagine watching a Peanuts special that features absolutely none of the Peanuts cast and is at about 75% the quality. That’s what this cartoon is. It’s also very dull, what with them trying to add a narrative to the whole newspaper editorial.

There is some real heart in it, but it doesn’t work as a whole. Probably my favorite part is when the “Yes, Virginia” editorial is read out loud. Despite the simplistic animation, the people’s reactions are emotional. Some kids seem humbled. Some adult couples embrace. Then all of the sudden, the local Irish cop character does a happy jig that probably cost them half the animation budget.

“All of this was in Dickens’ first draft, by the way. Even the goofy music.”

BANKS: THE MONEY MOVERS (1977)

The Idea: Due to his familiarity as a popular literary character, Ebenezer Scrooge (er, Arthur Scrooge?) is used as a window to help people learn about how banks work and why they are a worthwhile place to put your money. As a stand-in for the viewer, Scrooge learns about deposits, withdrawals, interest, loans, and other aspects of the business.

The Output: This is all explained via a version of Christmas Carol where Scrooge is taught a lesson by ghosts for being stingy with his money. Namely that he keeps it in his mattress. As Mike points out, it’s incredibly messed up that Marley is suffering eternal damnation because he never got a Wells Fargo account. I get trying to map your lesson onto a preexisting story, but think it through a little!

Also wild in this is how despite his old-timey appearance, Scrooge exists in modern times and is even seen using a check to buy a motor scooter. It’s completely inane, but at least the guy playing Scrooge seems like he’s having a fun time.

“The birth of Jesus Christ, ladies and gentlemen. That’s what it’s all about.”

ALIAS ST. NICK (1935)

The Idea: As a family of adorable mice get ready for Christmas, a scheming cat decides to get through their defenses by dressing up as Santa Claus, delivering their gifts, and then devouring them. His plan appears to be working extremely well, but there’s one mouse child who doesn’t believe in Santa and is quick to see through his disguise.

The Output: Although the guys don’t bring it up, it’s kind of odd that the kid who spends the whole cartoon being loudly and annoyingly skeptic about the existence of Santa Claus is absolutely 100% vindicated. There isn’t some kind of last-second evidence of Santa or something. It just ends.

Otherwise, this is just your average off-brand Looney Tunes cartoon. Probably the most bizarre moment is when the cat puts together his Santa costume and strips a doll naked to make his beard.

“And now the ancient tradition of giving a present to Tommy Lasorda.”

DECEMBER HOLIDAYS (1982)

The Idea: A narrator explains three of the bigger December holidays: Posadas, Chanukah, and Christmas. Through what appears to be fly on the wall footage, various families celebrate these holidays with their festive traditions. The narrator tries to educate the viewer on the families’ behavior and how it relates to the origins of the holidays.

The Output: I mean, that’s…pretty much it. There’s nothing wacky about this short. It’s pretty dull, but it’s a decent enough target for Mike, Bill, and Kevin. Sometimes you don’t need an Ice Cream Bunny to have a good time.

“When are you planning on going back to Florida?” “I think we’re going to wait until you have your baby. Just want to make sure you’re okay.” “And that you don’t give birth to a CGI vampire baby.”

BABY OF THE BRIDE (1991)

The Idea: A made-for-TV movie starring Rue McClanahan is actually the second in a trilogy about a dysfunctional, all-grown-up family filled with all kinds of interpersonal problems. In the previous movie, Margaret Becker married a much younger man and it took her children some time to adjust. Now things are getting crazy as not only is one of her daughters pregnant, but Margaret is pregnant too! She, her new husband, and her four kids all have to deal with a ton of drama, which all culminates at midnight mass!

The Output: This is another Bridget and Mary Jo installment and the two have a habit of tackling movies that aren’t so much the worst thing ever, but are too corny to ignore. That’s Baby of the Bride, pretty much. It’s very much a watchable movie, but it’s also a movie about Blanche from Golden Girls being pregnant, which is buried among all kinds of different subplots about how dysfunctional her family is. This family collectively gets divorced more than they get their cars’ oil checked.

The whole narrative is about eight months long because of the whole double pregnancy thing, but the climax is during Christmas Eve, so I guess it ultimately counts as a holiday movie. It just takes a long time to get there.

“I think this guy was a boss in Cuphead.”

THE SNOWMAN (1932)

The Idea: Somewhere in the arctic, an Inuit child and his animal friends enjoy their slightly-less-chilly summer by building a snowman. After happily putting it together and throwing snowballs at it, the snowman comes alive and goes on a rampage. Can the child destroy what he created before the malevolent snow beast goes too far?

The Output: This cartoon is all over the place and is one of the absolute best holiday shorts RiffTrax has commented on. So much crazy shit is compressed into this package. Snowman buttcracks? Check. Jimmy Durante impressions? Check. Penguin church? Check. I won’t even spoil how the snowman is defeated other than saying that it’s completely ridiculous and makes zero sense.

Still, it’s better than that Snowman movie with Harry Hole getting all the clues.

The post RiffTrax: A Guide to Christmas and Holiday Episodes appeared first on Den of Geek.

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kerylraist · 6 years

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On The Good Ship Shipping

A few thoughts are bumbling around in my head today, and, well, why not share them.

I’ve been noticing a lot of shipping police, and from what I can see most of it’s coming from a deep disgust/distrust of sex/sexuality.

See, I think there are ships where you look at the characters, as they are, in character, and they’re just good together. You want them to have a satisfying relationship, and make all the babies, and ride off into the sunset together because they just work. Their strengths compliment each other, their dynamic is good, they genuinely like each other, and on and on. (Let’s call this one Finn/Rose or Storm/Pilot)

Then there are ships where the characters as they are written, in cannon, have a lot of chemistry, and there’s this promise that, if they got over their own shit, they, too could be a genuinely good ship. They’d gel nicely, work together well, make each other better. But, right now, in canon, they’ve got a load of shit to deal with, and if that shit doesn’t get dealt with, they can’t/won’t function as a decent relationship. Let’s call this one Tiva or Reylo or Spuffy (though, if I understand the comics Spuffy has finally graduated to GoodShip territory.)

Then there are the bad ships. You know the ones, the characters, as written, have literally no business together. They not only genuinely hate each other but there’s not a single inkling of canon sexual or romantic interest between them. (Kylux, Drarry, Snupin.) As best I can tell, these are generally wank fodder, the characters are so damn pretty together, you smash them together just to get your jollies off. (And more power to you. I want to see X fuck Y is a perfectly valid reason to ship a ship. Anyone who says otherwise is telling you they are deeply uncomfortable with sex.)

Here’s the thing though. It doesn’t fucking matter one bit if you’ve got the healthiest ship ever or if you’re out mucking about in bad ship land.

Why?

Because it’s fucking playtime people. It’s a way to explore the bits and bobs of your mind and your kinks and your interests in a safe way, and guess what, EVEN KIDS (defined as people under the age of 18) GET TO DO IT.

Let’s say that again for the back...

EVEN KIDS ARE ALLOWED TO EXPLORE BAD SHIPS.

Why? Because play is how we learn. Play is how we internalize our likes and dislikes and develop our tastes and preferences. In a sane world you’re allowed to explore fictional situations in a no-harm, no-foul sort of way, because they’re FICTIONAL. They’re a way to find your boundaries, your likes, your dislikes in a way that doesn’t open you up to real danger.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but you’re way better off deciding what you like with imaginary people than you are jumping headfirst, and blind, in with real life ones. Why this is a controversial statement I don’t know, but... That appears to be the level we’re at.

Shitting on a kid’s ship is like telling her she’s not allowed to masturbate because she may touch herself in a way you don’t approve of. Back the fuck off and let her develop her own tastes.

Most people, even kids, are able to figure out that just because the simulation of something is fun, it doesn’t mean the real version is a good plan. (Amazingly enough, people who like bungee jumping, for example, generally aren’t interested in throwing themselves off a bridge without the cord.) Shocking.

So, lay off, even ‘for the children,’ let them play about in their fics, and if you like, offer good questions, “What do you like about X?” help them find what the appeal is, offer useful advice based on that.

For example, if you look at people who like Bella and Edward, it’s generally not that they want to be dominated by some ancient idiot, it’s that they want to be desired by someone with power and status. If you can get out of your own view of it long enough to understand what they get out of it, you can do a better job of actually providing value to said kids you hope to “protect.”

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redsoapbox · 5 years

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Mitch Tennant’s Track-by-Track Guide to Head Noise’s Debut album, Über Fantastique

Mitch Tennant, singer/songwriter & keytarist with electro art-punks Head Noise, was kind enough to write this guide to the band’s recently released debut album Über Fantastique, especially for redsoapbox.

1. KINGDOM OF CROOKED MIRRORS

We had a lively debate at Head Noise HQ over which song to open the album with, either this track or the one that follows. We eventually decided on “Kingdom of Crooked Mirrors” to kick-start the debut as we think it encompasses all things Head Noise and has a great splattering of our influences in a catchy, oddball pop song. The title of the track comes from a 1963 Soviet fairy tale film and is loosely inspired by Lewis Carroll’s “Through the Looking Glass”. The song reflects our own mantra for creative passion and is also a look at an outsider’s perspective for abstract art and trying to make sense of the senseless. It’s like Alice In Wonderland without the drug references. Ignore the evils of the world and just let the childlike magic speak for itself.

2. 200,000 GALLONS OF OIL

I was on my lunch break one day surfing the web and a pop-up article came on-screen about fuel, oil refining and other industrial processes that I had very little interest in. However, the title of the piece “Pipeline Spills 200,000 Gallons of Oil” really jumped out at me. I wrote it down and put it aside with my collection of other alphabetical oddities that I type up on Notepad. A little while after, Wayne sent me an electropop demo with a bouncy, squelchy bassline which I felt matched up to this wording perfectly! The title of the song has some sort of political or eco-warrior ring to it but it’s always a surprise to people who question what the song is about, and we say “Uhh… It’s just about oil?” What kind of oil do you want it to be? I’ll leave that up to you, but here are some suggestions: vegetable oil, or maybe oil to slick back your hair.

3. JAPANESE BATTERIES

One Christmas, my partner gifted me an Otamatone, which is basically a screwed-up Theremin/Stylophone synth-like device that is in the shape of a musical note, however it looks more like a giant sperm! It’s become a popular instrument on Youtube for fashioning unusual sounding covers of songs, such as Boney M’s “Rasputin” and A-ha’s “Take on Me”. I was totally amazed by the packaging - it had a little Japanese man with fluffy hair, the inventor of the instrument, looking off into the distance, not unlike some surreal propaganda poster art. The song is, basically, a homage to this strange instrument, and it’s played on the track, not long after the first chorus, just to show off the unusual noises that it makes.

4. ANATOMICALLY CORRECT SHUFFLE

This is a song where I feel the bassline really helps to give the song a danceable bounce, that’s why the title of the track has “Shuffle” at the end of it. This is the first of the collaborations that we have on the album. Wayne sent me a demo he was working on with some bass being played by his friend “Monkey” (who I still haven’t met yet) under the working title “Monkey Jam”. When we started putting the album together, we were coming out of that mad scientist stage persona from the Microwave EP run of shows, so I had a whole lot of science stuck in my mind. I thought we’d go gung-ho as a farewell to the bygone days of false nerdy scholarship with a classic Head Noise sound to it. The lyrics for the song are like an amalgamation of a botched surgery, unusual ailments and chronic nightmares. Luckily, we have Brill onboard to give it that fun little jaunty undertone on the synth, to help keep us sane and avoid any potential lobotomies.

5. MYSTERY LIQUID

This is another Notepad scribble title that I just had to make into a song! When you hear songs about drinking, it’s usually either a fun affair (a drunken pub singalong) or a dark, cautionary tale (alcoholism), so we were looking to meet in the middle between jolly and sombre. I was influenced by Spike Jones & His City Slickers and their song “Clink! Clink! Another Drink”, especially for its humorous look at binge drinking from a 1940s perspective. It seems so harmless and funny, but it’s much more morally twisted if you look at it from the outside. With a bassline from our good friend Connor Llewellyn of Math Rock band “Common Spit”, the song turned into more of a fast-paced rocker with some added spoken word and Dada inspired lyrics from Cat Daczkowski who also plays in Rock band KASIA. I really liked her vocal style as it reminded me of Kim Gordon of Sonic Youth’s unique and unbothered singing approach, so we NEEDED it on the album somewhere.

6. AIRSTRIKE 4000

When I was young, I used to love my Sega Megadrive games console! I played games like Streets of Rage, Golden Axe and Desert Strike, but I got bored easily with Desert Strike because I wouldn’t always know what to do. I wanted to write lyrics that broke the fourth wall too, so the song starts out as a homage to a made-up Sega game in the style of Desert Strike. Then I get bored about halfway through and changed the theme of the song, just like when I was 8 years old and trying to play the bloody game before turning it off to play Sonic & Knuckles instead. It’s a Lo-fi retro Rock vs Synth song with some amazing guitar wobbles/shrieks from Brill and some wicked retro sounds darted across the duration of the track.

7. NITRO

When we were lucky enough to support “Public Service Broadcasting” last year at the Muni Arts Centre in Pontypridd, we wanted to go all out with a wacky elaborate stage show. We roped in our good friend Mark Strange to help us put together some surreal extras in the set such as a puppet show and a battle royale with Mark dressed up as a Ninja Turtle. We wanted to create our own little ‘introduction song’ for this show for when we walked onstage akin to Devo’s “Corporate Anthem” instrumental. So, Wayne put together our own track to help introduce the band as Mark walked out dressed in a lab-coat to inspect the equipment before we came on. There isn’t much else I can say about this track really other than performance is key! We decided to give the song a promotion from introduction song to intermission song which now sits about halfway through the album. In fact, that’s why it is called “Nitro”, it’s just an anagram of “intro” but with some dynamite flair!

8. SHRUNKEN HEAD

We used to open the live set with this song. It’s a song about idiocracy within the musical world, not too far off “Cherub Rock” by Smashing Pumpkins. The song is stacked with surreal imagery, which also includes a reworking of the “I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream” phrase from Science Fiction writer Harlan Ellison as a pre-chorus. I think it’s important to have passion in what you do creatively, and you shouldn’t allow others to mistake that devotion for egotism. I went to “Ripley’s Believe it Or Not” oddity museum in Blackpool a couple of times over the years and I got to see a real (or ‘real fake’, you be the judge?) shrunken head in a glass case. Rhys Jones plays some cool guitar lines on this track which is like a mix between Egyptian rhumba and the live dissection of a squirrel. It is an interesting song and we like it very much.

9. INTRUDER-ESQUE

Have you ever had those nights when you’ve gone to bed and looked over at the other side of the room in the dark to see the blurred black outline of a wardrobe or a hanging coat? In a sleep-addled state, this can be terrifying and can lead to “sleep paralysis”. I thought it was an interesting subject to pick up on. We gave the outro to Lloyd Markham of Psych-Electro band Deep Hum to use as his personal synth playground and we love it! I think the entire track captures the vibe of uneasiness that you can get in a sleep-deprived state when you don’t entirely feel safe, with an unknown threat lurking in the shadows.

10. I EAT CANNIBALS

An old friend of mine said the Toto Coelo song “I Eat Cannibals” sounds like something Head Noise would cover, so we just went off and covered it. I think it goes a little hand in hand with “Shrunken Head” and its voodoo vibe. The track features fantastic backing vocals by Miss Cat Southall, singer extraordinaire! I’m a fan of bands who re-work covers to suit their own sound. We always have an unusual cover in our back pocket if things start to go pear-shaped! We’ve previously recorded songs by Sonic Youth and The Bangles.

11. MR. EVERYWHERE

This is a Rocker Wayne had been working on for a little while until we decided to give it more context and “beef” so to speak. It’s basically a punk song that’s been shaved down to a shouty rock song, with a little bit of synth here and there. The song’s lyrics simply reflect how busy we felt after we released the Special Effects EP and how being in a band can be a lot of stress as much as a lot of fun.

12. NO PHOTO | NO FILM | NO TELEPHONE

On a trip to Venice, I stopped by St Mark’s Basilica to see the famed “Horses of Saint Mark”. There was a sign near them saying “No Photo, No Film, No Telephone” which made me laugh. Anyway, the track was inspired by a warning sign, but is about the overuse of modern communication technology and the brief escape that we get from these devices. It’s crazy to see how much the world has changed in 20 years, so we summed it up quickly with a fully Electronic Pop song featuring a fun shout-a-long chorus.

13. COMPLY

Someone said to me recently “music has been intrinsically linked to politics since like forever!” and even though there is some truth in that statement, I refuse to believe that it is the most important reason for someone to enjoy listening to music. This is my own attack against people who like to moan and whine until they get what they want, whether it is logical or not. It’s our own protest song which protests protest songs. We’ve made sure the song is happy and upbeat, because ignorance is bliss, eh?

14. GAMMA GUTS

The spiritual successor to our single “Microwave”, in fact, it’s a loose sequel of sorts. I have a fear that there isn’t enough science behind the use of microwaves. I imagine that there are some harmful side effects, but it scares me to think that we might not have a clue. The song is split into two parts - the first is a goofy little Electro Rock song about the digestion of nuclear materials and then the second part is an electronic instrumental, orchestrated by the band Massa Circles. There are some beats donated by John Barnes and some shouts by Anthony Price too. The song reminds me of Eric Clapton’s “Layla” because it starts off as a fun Rocker and ends with an emotional instrumental akin to side 2 of David Bowie’s Low album. This is one of our favourite songs to play live at the moment because it gives us free rein to experiment musically.

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pardontheglueman · 5 years

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Head Noise / Uber - Fantastique

For the best part of 18 months Aberdare’s Electro Art-Punks Head Noise (Mitch Tennant Vocals & Keytar), Wayne Basset (Synths & Guitar) and Jordan Brill (Synths & Guitar) have been working away on their debut album Über-Fantastique, a record which they describe, in typical Head Noise fashion, as a ‘bombastic, electropop fever dream’. In a detailed, track-by-track guide, Mitch Tennant talked to Kevin McGrath about the record they are about to unleash on an unsuspecting Welsh public.

1. KINGDOM OF CROOKED MIRRORS

2. 200,000 GALLONS OF OIL

I was on my lunch break one day surfing the web and a pop-up article came on-screen about fuel, oil refining and other industrial processes that I had very little interest in. However, the title of the piece "Pipeline Spills 200,000 Gallons of Oil" really jumped out at me. I wrote it down and put it aside with my collection of other alphabetical oddities that I type up on Notepad. A little while after, Wayne sent me an electropop demo with a bouncy, squelchy bass line which I felt matched up to this wording perfectly! The title of the song has some sort of political or eco-warrior ring to it but it's always a surprise to people who question what the song is about, and we say "Uhh... It's just about oil?" What kind of oil do you want it to be? I'll leave that up to you, but here are some suggestions: vegetable oil, or maybe oil to slick back your hair.

3. JAPANESE BATTERIES

4. ANATOMICALLY CORRECT SHUFFLE

This is a song where I feel the bassline really helps to give the song a danceable bounce, that’s why the title of the track has "Shuffle" at the end of it. This is the first of the collaborations that we have on the album. Wayne sent me a demo he was working on with some bass being played by his friend "Monkey" (who I still haven't met yet) under the working title "Monkey Jam". When we started putting the album together, we were coming out of that mad scientist stage persona from the Microwave EP run of shows, so I had a whole lot of science stuck in my mind. I thought we'd go gung-ho as a farewell to the bygone days of false nerdy scholarship with a classic Head Noise sound to it. The lyrics for the song are like an amalgamation of a botched surgery, unusual ailments and chronic nightmares. Luckily, we have Brill onboard to give it that fun little jaunty undertone on the synth, to help keep us sane and avoid any potential lobotomies.

5. MYSTERY LIQUID

This is another Notepad scribble title that I just had to make into a song! When you hear songs about drinking, it’s usually either a fun affair (a drunken pub singalong) or a dark, cautionary tale (alcoholism), so we were looking to meet in the middle between jolly and sombre. I was influenced by Spike Jones & His City Slickers and their song “Clink! Clink! Another Drink”, especially for its humorous look at binge drinking from a 1940s perspective. It seems so harmless and funny, but it’s much more morally twisted if you look at it from the outside. With a bassline from our good friend Connor Llewellyn of Math Rock band "Common Spit", the song turned into more of a fast-paced rocker with some added spoken word and Dada inspired lyrics from Cat Daczkowski who also plays in Rock band KASIA. I really liked her vocal style as it reminded me of Kim Gordon of Sonic Youth’s unique and unbothered singing approach, so we NEEDED it on the album somewhere.

6. AIRSTRIKE 4000

7. NITRO

8. SHRUNKEN HEAD

9. INTRUDER-ESQUE

10. I EAT CANNIBALS

11. MR. EVERYWHERE

12. NO PHOTO | NO FILM | NO TELEPHONE

On a trip to Venice, I stopped by St Mark's Basilica to see the famed “Horses of Saint Mark”. There was a sign near them saying “No Photo, No Film, No Telephone” which made me laugh. Anyway, the track was inspired by a warning sign, but is about the overuse of modern communication technology and the brief escape that we get from these devices. It’s crazy to see how much the world has changed in 20 years, so we summed it up quickly with a fully Electronic Pop song featuring a fun shout-a-long chorus.

13. COMPLY

14. GAMMA GUTS

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serialslaughters · 6 years

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Jack The Ripper

Serial Killer Files, 6

Famous for terrorizing the area of Whitechapel, London in the 1880s, Jack The Ripper, also referred to as the Whitchapel Murderer, was a serial killer who was well known for his atrocious killings performed in a signature style. Despite leaving behind trails of dismembered and gruesome bodies, the notorious serial killer was careful never to leave anything behind that could expose his identity. To this day, the world’s most notorious serial killer, Jack the Ripper, is a mysterious and unidentified individual who has baffled investigators for years and continues to haunt history.

While evidence has lead many to believe that Jack the Ripper has killed only five people, now known as the canonical five, the Ripper himself claims to have taken the lives of up to 11 women. All five of the canonical victims were prostitutes, due to the living conditions and economical status of the Whitechapel district where it was not uncommon for women to turn to prostitution as a means of survival. Prior to modern day intrigue, Jack the Ripper was also extremely infamous during his reign of terror in Whitechapel, London. At the tine, literacy rates were increasing and the public became morbidly fascinated with The Ripper, constantly reading about him in newspapers. The public was so angry at the failed attempts to identify the killer that the home secretary and police commissioner were pressured into resigning.

With the scene set, the timeline of the killings that had the public completely immersed in Jack The Ripper will now be discussed. Due to the possible falsehood of the 11 alleged victims that The Ripper claimed to have killed, only the five canonical victims will be covered.

August 21, 1888: The first victim of the infamous serial killer occurred at 3:40 AM, the body of Mary Ann Nichols was found in Buck’s Row in Whitechapel. The body was found by Charles Cross while he was walking along Buck’s Row with a man named Robert Paul who called for police. Mary Ann Nichols’ body had a severe slash through the throat and she was disemboweled. It was determined that she only been dead for half an hour, which likely meant the killer was still nearby when Charles Cross found the body.

September 8, 1888: The body of Annie Chapman was found at 29 Hanbury Street. Her body was found by an elderly resident named John Davis. Chapman’s throat was sliced open and her womb was missing. The divisional police surgeon at the time, a man named Dr. George Baxter Phillips, proposed that the killer had anatomical knowledge due to the precision in which the womb was removed. This lead to the first clue - the killer was most likely a doctor, or at the very least, possessed a basic level of anatomical knowledge.

September 27, 1888: Central News Agency receives a letter from the supposed killer. It read, “Dear Boss, I keep on hearing the police have caught me but they won’t fix me just yet. I have laughed when they look so clever and talk about being on the right track. That joke about Leather Apron gave me real fits. I am down on whores and shant quick ripping them ‘till I do get buckled. Grand work the last job was. I gave the lady no time to squeal. How can they catch me now? I love my work and want to start again. You will soon hear of me with my funny little games. I saved some of the proper red stuff in a ginger beer bottle over the last job to write with, but it went thick like glue and I can’t use it. Red ink is fit enough I hope. Ha. Ha. The next job I do I shall clip the lady’s ears off and send to the police officer just for jolly wouldn’t you. Keep this letter back till I do a bit more work then give it out straight. My knife’s so nice and sharp I want to get to work right away if I get a chance. Good luck. Yours truly, Jack the Ripper. Don’t mind giving the trade name wasn’t good enough to post this before I got all the red ink off my hands. Curse it. No luck yet. They say I’m a doctor now. Ha. Ha.”

This letter wasn’t released to the public until October 1, 1888. Many believe that this was just a letter fabricated by a journalist but the letter was released to newspapers anyway. The public stuck with the name “Jack the Ripper”, and from that point on, it became the famous nickname for the most notorious serial killer of all time.

September 30, 1888: Just 3 days later, at 1:00 AM, the body of Elizabeth Stride was found on Berner Street by a man named Louis Diemschutz. Only Stride’s throat was slit, leading police to believe that the killer was interrupted when Diemschutz approached. It was concluded that she had been dead for just half an hour when examined at 1:15 AM. Horrifyingly, just 45 minutes after the discovery of Elizabeth Stride’s body, another body was found in Mitre Square, just west of Berner Street. Catherine Eddowes, was the second victim that same night. Eddowes’ uterus and left kidney were removed and her face was severely mutilated and disfigured. Most disturbing, is the close proximity of the killings in both time and location, which very clearly presented the arrogance and brazenness of the killer.

Somewhere between the two sites of the murders, the killer dropped one of the few solid clues that investigators and police would discover: a piece of Catherine Eddowes’ apron. The vital clue was found by Alfred Long on the doorway of an apartment on Goulston Street, just east of the Eddowes murder site. Written with red chalk was a message on the apron that read, “The Juwes are the men that will not be blame for nothing”, a sign of anti-antisemitism that was popular during that time. However, it’s not the message that was most perplexing, but the direction in which the apron was found. Goulston Street was east of the Eddowes murder sight, meaning the apron was dropped when the killer was going in direction of the Stride murder site. This unusual decision meant the brazen killer was willingly entering an area that was packed with police officers and witnesses. This might mean that the killer lived in the East London area, which might explain the motive for entering such a dangerous situation.

Later, police receive a postcard dated “October 1, 1888″ from someone claiming to be Jack the Ripper, with similar handwriting. It read, “I was not codding, dear old Boss, when I have you the tip. You’ll hear about Saucy Jacky’s work tomorrow. Double event this time. Number one squealed a bit, couldn’t finish straight off had not the time to get ears for police. Thanks for keeping last letter back till I got to work again. Jack the Ripper.”

While it has not been confirmed, many sources state that this letter was received the morning directly after the two murders. If this is true, it would mean that none of the public knew about the double killings and couldn’t have possibly written the letter, leaving only the actual killer to have sent it.

November 9, 1888: On the ninth of November, the final canonical victim, Mary Kelly, was found at 13 Millers Court in her bed by her landlord’s assistant. Her body was “skinned down” and disemboweled. The landlord described the state of the body as, “The sigh that we saw I cannot drive away from my mind. It looked more like the work of a devil than of man.”

With the five canonical victims dead, the timeline is now concluded. These are the events that follow.

Police began to gather eyewitness testimonies of the monstrous man. From these interrogations, a rough visual description can be envisioned. Jack the Ripper allegedly appeared to be between 25-35 years old, roughly 5′5″ - 5′7″, stocky, with a fair complexion and a mustache and was seen dressed in a dark overcoat and dark hat. His overall alleged description was said to be, “perfectly sane, frighteningly normal, and yet capable of extraordinary cruelty.”

Having presented the timeline of the letters, clues, and five canonical victims, a list of eight compelling suspects will now be conferred, starting with the official three (the official three are according to McNaughten, lead investigator at the time). However, it is important to note that there are hundreds of likely suspects but these eight are the most likely. Additionally, the top three official suspects are not widely believed to be the actual Ripper but are still going to be listed due to their status.

Suspect #1 - Montague Johnson Druitt. Druitt was a barrister who allegedly had an uncle and cousin that were doctors. Druitt died around age forty and had an interest in medicine and surgery. Montague supposedly lived with his cousin who practiced medicine close to where the Whitechapel murders occurred. Furthermore, Montague’s mother had gone insane just a month before the murder of the first canonical victim and he had written in a note that he feared he was also going insane. On December 3, 1888, just four weeks after the murder of the last canonical victim, Druitt’s body was mysteriously found floating in the Thames River. According to McNaughten’s notes, even Druitt’s family believed he was Jack the Ripper.

Suspect #2 - Michael Ostrog. Ostrog was a Russian doctor and criminal who had previously spent time in a mental asylum due to homicidal tendencies. McNaughten states that Ostrog was unable to provide strong alibis for his whereabouts during any of the five murders. He was not convicted due to a lack of sufficient evidence.

Suspect #3 - Aaron Kosminski. Kosminski was a German and Polish Jewish resident of Whitechapel, London who had spent time in a mental asylum in 1889 shortly after the last murder. Kosminski had strong hatred towards women, especially prostitutes, and spent time in asylums up until he passed away. Kosmniski also matched descriptions of Jack the Ripper from eyewitnesses. Additionally, a book published called “Naming Jack the Ripper”, written by Russell Edwards, claims that a shawl bought at an auction proves Kosminski is the killer because of DNA evidence. The shawl was allegedly found at the murder site of Catherine Eddowes and was stained with blood and semen that matched the DNA of Kosminski’s decedents. However, it was discovered that there was a mistake made in identifying a mutation in Eddowes’ DNA. A mutation named 3.14C is very rare and found in only 1 of every 290,000 people, meaning if it were found on the shawl, it was almost guaranteed that the article of clothing belonged to Catherine Eddowes. However, the scientist that tested the DNA had mistaken 3.15C for 3.14C; 3.15C is a very common mutation and is found in 99% of individuals from European decent, meaning the DNA on the shawl could essentially belong to anyone, making it almost impossible to link it to Catherine Eddowes specifically. After this revelation, this theory was immediately debunked and skepticism reached an all time high.

Suspect #4 - Jack the Ripper is actually a female. This theory proposes the idea that Jack the Ripper was not really a “jack” at all but a female named “Jill the Ripper”. An investigator that studied the case during Jack the Ripper’s reign of terror also had a hunch that Jack the Ripper wasn’t a male. This would explain why the killer was able to slip through crowds of police and witnesses without being identified as the murderer because police were looking for a male. A midwife would have basic anatomical knowledge and would frequently have blood on her clothes without raising suspicion. However, it is important to note that all eyewitness testimonies point towards the killer being a male.

Suspect #5 - Prince Albert Victor Christian Edward (the royal conspiracy). Prince Albert frequented the areas where the Whitechapel murders occurred which resulted in him contracting Syphilis, a disease that drove him to insanity. Many believe that his insanity resulted in a streak of cold blooded murders. Those who believe this theory propose the idea that he was never identified as the killer because royal aids ensured that his murder sites were clean of any evidence that would trace back to the royal family. However, there is a complete lack of evidence that supports this theory.

Suspect #6 - Walter Sickert. Walter Sickert was a famed painter during the late 1800s and was accused of being the ripper by famous crime novelist, Patricia Cornwell. Cornwell became obsessed with proving Sickert was Jack the Ripper and spent 2 million pounds in 2001 on purchasing Sickert’s paintings, writing desk, and letters. In a desperate attempt to prove her theory, she devoted her time to cutting Sickert’s paintings in half and searching for clues within the paint strokes. Cornwell claims that Sickert was obsessed with Jack the Ripper, which is true. Sickert referenced the infamous murderer several times in his work and even titled one of his paintings “Jack the Ripper’s Bedroom”. Cornwell also claims that one of Sickert’s paintings mimics the facial wounds of the fourth canonical victim. Furthermore, Patricia stated that Sickert allegedly cosplayed as the Ripper multiple times. One of Cornwell’s largest piece of evidence comes from Peter Bower, a forensic paper expert. Bower analyzed Jack the Ripper’s letters and Sickert’s letters and was able to identify them as products of a handmade paper run that only produced 24 possible sheets. Basically, the fact that both Sickert and Jack the Ripper had letters written on papers that only had 24 sheets in existence is extremely unusual. However, it’s important to note that all of Jack the Ripper’s letters are unconfirmed.

Suspect #7 - Joseph Barnett. Barnett is particularly suspicious because he lived with the fifth canonical victim, Mary Kelly. In fact, Barnett lived in ten different locations throughout Whitechapel, London, making him an expert on the streets and allies in the area. Furthermore, Barnett was allegedly in love with Kelly and he supposedly referred to Mary Kelly as “his wife” on November 10, 1888 even though they were just roommates. Barnett also disagreed with Kelly’s prostitute nightlife and worked hard to make enough money to keep her off the streets. Some theorize that Barnett committed the first murders to keep Barnett off the streets, which actually worked. However, when Barnett lost his job, Kelly returned to the streets to make ends meet which resulted in explosive fights and bitter tension between the two. In one instance, Mary Kelly brought home two other prostitutes which angered Joseph and resulted in a violent fight. At one point, a window was broken. Barnett packed his bags and moved out the next day and just 10 days later, Mary was found dead in her apartment. Barnett was interrogated for four hours but eventually was let go. Having resided in the building for a long period of time, Barnett would have intimate knowledge of how to unlock doors from the outside and would know Mary’s schedule and tendencies. Evidence at the scene suggested Kelly was killed in her sleep, and not by an outsider she invited in. She was wearing her nightgown and her clothing was folded neatly by her bed. Furthermore, Barnett’s association with Mary Kelly and the residents of Whitechapel would allow him to easily get close to unsuspecting victims. Jospeh’s friends also called him Jack. Further condemning evidence is his perfect match to the physical description of Jack the Ripper. The murders also stopped right after Mary Kelly died, and with his lover dead, there would be no reason to kill because there was no one to keep off the streets.

Suspect #8 - James Maybrick. Maybrick is the final and most popular suspect in the Jack the Ripper case, and is widely believed to be the actual killer. Maybrick’s death corresponds with the timeline of murders, as he died just one year after the final canonical victim was killed. Mayrbrick was an upperclass cotton merchant who resided in a state called the Battlecrease House in Liverpool, England. Many believe that this who actually prove that Maybrick is not the killer due to the widespread belief that Jack the Ripper was a poor local and not a wealthy merchant. However, it is important to note that all the murders occurred on weekends and it would make sense that a wealthy man could travel by train on his days off. Maybrick could also benefit from the murders not being in his local area. However, the most damning piece of evidence that makes Maybrick the most likely suspect is a diary found underneath the floorboards of his estate. In the diary, a page reads, “I give my name that all know of me, so history do tell, what love can do to a gentleman born. Yours truly, Jack the Ripper.” Also, the diary supposedly contained intimate details of the murders and according to historians, it matches the era of the Jack the Ripper murders.

However, this theory begins to unravel dramatically when the inquiry of how the diary was found comes up. The diary was supposedly found by a man named Mike Barrett who at one point claimed that he had fabricated the entire diary, only to retract his statement later. When asked about the diary, Barrett claimed he was going through a rough divorce and did not give further details. But if the diary really was found underneath the floorboards, this would be almost concrete evidence that James Maybrick is, in fact, Jack the Ripper.

Another piece of evidence is an old gold pocket watch with letters carved into the back. The letters were the initials of the five canonical victims, with the short message, “I am Jack. J Maybrick” etched in below them. The scratches were confirmed to have not been done in modern times. The pocket watch was purchased for 225 pounds in 1846, with no further information on the matter. With all the confusion and jumbled information surrounding this theory, it’s hard to tell if Maybrick really is Jack the Ripper or not. While it is widely believed that he is, many also don’t think Maybrick had anything to do with it at all. His home was very far from the location of the murders and with his wealth and steady job, there would be no reason for the successful merchant to murder innocent women in the Whitechapel district.

With all the information, murders, and suspects listed, Jack the Ripper’s case has now been concluded. While there are many compelling suspects and interesting pieces of evidence, we are still a long way from identifying the notorious killer and the case of Jack the Ripper may forever remain unsolved.

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