#ive had her as my pfp ever since i got her
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been reflecting on my year a bit, and i was thinking about something. i think i know what the best thing i did for myself this year was.
making cometcare public. making the ask blog.
ive had this AU stirring in my brain since 2019, ever since i got really attached to doomi during the haunted arc. one reason i went so long without revealing pollarrydoomi as a ship to readers was because doom's crush wasn't public information until late 2021.
i had kept his crush a mystery for 3 years, but revealed it after a fun experience where people figured out who it was through guessing. i'm pretty sure i did a poll about it? asking people to guess who they thought it was, and uni won the vote, meaning everyone had already figured it out.
after pollarrydoomi was revealed and i started drawing art for it and people made fanart for it, i still couldn't post any of my AU art because ally wasn't public and she and howie were in the AU. in july 2022, for the comic's birthday, i revealed ally as a character to the readers. others around the time had started to notice characters i had in pfps and i ended up telling everyone i did have pollarrydoomi ship kids, but i didn't make them public.
in november 2022, i revealed eve on toyhouse. after her reveal, i would soon reveal sly as well in december 2022 on my birthday (revealing sly as a birthday present to myself is such a funny gesture now that you guys know how important he is to me). over the next few weeks i revealed cream, frosty, and marco as well. all of the main cometkids except chem.
then one day someone out there suggested that i make an ask blog for the cometcare AU. it was such a spontaneous decision, and i didn't even really know what i was gonna do with it at first. i was just kinda messing around. but when i made the blog i realized that if i wanted this AU to be experienced in complete authenticity, i couldn't make uni cis.
so i revealed uni being trans through the blog, despite the fact i'd gone so many years without ever revealing her identity. why did i do it? there's a lot of reasons. not wanting to make her a "dad" in the AU contributed, but also i felt like it wouldn't be detrimental to the story to confirm a character being trans. it also made me (and the crew in general) a lot more comfortable being able to properly refer to uni with her actual pronouns.
making the ask blog really changed me, because finally i could share this little family and comfort story i'd built in my brain with the world and make it real and make content for it and let people consume it.
but what stopped me most of all?
i've said it many times before... but i felt like it was cringey.
i felt like making an AU with 93985893844 fankids in a ridiculous complicated polycule wasn't something a Serious content creator should do, and i was really worried the reception would be negative or people would think it was stupid or something. i did NOT expect it to become as popular as it is. the blog actually has more followers than the MAIN ASK BLOG for the canon comic. it was received SO POSITIVELY and the fact it was just kind of blows me away.
it means so much to me. being able to share the most special thing in my life with people and for people to actually like it and have fun with me and want to see it, and for me to be able to not have to follow strict professionalism about spoilers and chronological storytelling, and being able to change and add in things whenever i felt like it. it's such a freeing experience.
when i was a kid, i used to make stories and OCs and i didn't take them as seriously as i do the sparklecare reboot. this kind of turned into my entire life and career kinda, so i had to take it more seriously. but making this AU honestly just makes me feel like i'm a kid again, it makes me feel like i can have fun and literally do whatever the fuck i want without worrying what people think or if it's realistic or if it makes any sense.
i know though, that some people don't like pollarrydoomi. and i know why. whether it's because of being attached to barruni (of course, they're the canon ship and main characters, i get it) or just having discomfort with the idea of shipping doom with anyone when canonically he hasn't experienced a redemption arc... i get it. i know not everyone likes it.
and that's okay! people are entitled to having their own feelings about content. i understand it. and i've come to accept that's always going to be the case with anything i do with these characters.
but i'm still going to do this for myself. i do this because it makes me happy to just have fun and not worry about being serious all the time. it feels good, especially when it's with characters that are really really important to me.
cometcare is genuinely the most special and important thing i've ever made for myself, it's such a huge piece of my identity and it makes me who i am. and being able to make this story public and share it with people and share these things that have been in my brain for so long with others means so much to me.
that's why i think it was the best thing i've done this year. it's kind of literally changed my life to be able to talk about them. it's made me happier than i've ever been making content. i'm not just making it to entertain myself alone anymore, i'm making it to entertain others like i do with other stuff. and the fact people actually like it still is unbelievable to me.
so, i guess my outlook for next year as it comes is to continue to stop taking everything so seriously. i can tell my stories however i want to. i hope others can realize they can do this too.
please make whatever you want, whenever you what, as much as you want, even if it doesn't make sense or if it's "cringe". you will be so much happier when you realize as a creator you DON'T have to take all of this so seriously. the comic still exists and people read it even if i'm doing this. You Can Do Whatever You Want And Nobody Can Ever Stop You. the only person who can stop you is yourself when you let your inhibitions get in the way of your ability to create things for yourself.
have fun! life is too short to take everything you do seriously
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hi, im sorry in advance if something like this has been answered already or if im just wrong but ive been trying to research the topic but really wanted to ask someone personally
does this 'count' as fictionkin? ive first encountered this character in a series a couple years ago and instantly got really attached, ever since then ive mostly been daydreaming(madd) about him and i have an entire plot dedicated to him just living his life and its always from i guess my point of view?? like its him but its also me living through the scenarios,, i often go by his name online use him as pfps and just generally tell people "if they want to perceive me as something just have it be this character". i even feel uncomfortable using other names or at least not nearly as comfortable as i am using his. i sometimes even feel uncomfortable or weird about my appearance bc we dont look alike. i remember one time an ex-friend called me crazy or obsessive i cant remember for introducing myself w his name or trying to dress similar and ive been really embarrassed to admit how i feel ever since,, around that time i learned what kff was and have just been using those terms for now to describe how i feel and now idk anymore, this doesnt seem casual at all and ive never felt that way about a character before from what i remember (though apparently as a kid i did this with dorothy from wizard of oz but idk if thats just what every kid does, i would also try to dress like her and introduce myself w her name and i had a toy dog i would carry w me everywhere bc dorothy had one(i cant remember its name now unfortunately) and tell people about what going to oz was like)
sorry if i got the terms or something wrong im really new to this and it seems pretty complicated but i just want to learn and possibly know myself(??) better
I can say that what you're describing sounds extremely typical for fictionkin, yes. I can't tell you whether you are a character/thing or not - only you can - but I can say that "I prefer to use his name and feel weird about not looking like him, and I tend to imagine his life from first-person perspective as if it were me going through it" sounds pretty directly like a longform description of what many if not most people mean by "I am [x]".
I'm also sorry about your experience with your friend there; it happens to a lot of us, I think. The good ones will understand, or at least not be dicks about it.
Probably not as sure-fire an answer as you were hoping, but unfortunately that's the nature of the beast - hopefully it gives you some reassurance and help, if nothing else.
(Also, just as a disclaimer that you may or may not need - there's a heavy emphasis on past life stuff in this community, and you may feel kind of pressured to think of your "plot" and MADD daydreams of him as past life memories. Know that you don't need to. It doesn't need to be a "real" past life, as it were, to be "valid" and to have a real impact on you and your identity.)
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week eighteen
this was a good week !!!!!!!!!! like it was a v normal week but my mental health has been good !!!!!!!!!
id say wednesday and thursday were quite eh but the rest was good.
nothing special happened on monday.
on tueday i had missed a bit of band practice since it clashed w my theory class. if i had known band practice started at 9:30 and not 10:30 like it said on the timeable i wouldve just skipped theory lol anyways came half an hour late to practice but we didnt have a drummer anyways so we practiced wo drums.
i also got my new pfp for my student card sent in on tuesday so i finally got a new one thats way better than the old/first one. ive been struggling to get good pics for it for a whileeeee but now i have an alright one woopwoop
wednesday! quite eh! we had an interesting lecture and it did inspire me in some ways or another. the highlight though was the concert in the evening. me, l and s went to see it since me and ls friends were in one of the three mini concerts. they were doing backing vocals!! theirs was the last of the three and it was the best one in my opinion. they did rock so it was more entertaining to watch than the slow songs that both of the first two ones had. also! loml was performing and i didnt know so i was pleasantly surprised haha
i dont remember shit from thursday but it wasnt good.
fridayyyyy! i didnt meet up w anyone. my mom was working in the evening so i offered to go grocery shopping and so i did and then i watched queendom 2.
on saturday t had their bday party for their 18th. the theme was to dress up as something beginning w the letter t so i dressed up as a 2014 tumblr girl lol the fault in our stars as a handheld accessory and all. my mom had apparently sent a pic to my sister and she immediately got what i was dressed as haha i was dressed a thief, m was dressed as a tiger and t was dressed as tommi lalli.
i had alcohol for the first time. ive tasted it a few times before but i had my first full drink of it. it was a small glass of champagne. it was alright ig? nothing id buy for my own pleasure lol
we also bleached my hair at the party. well, ‘bleached’, i had accidentally gotten lightener and not bleach... it did lighten it up a lot though so when i used the bleach i got after stopping by the store on my way home it looked really good. i bleached my eyebrows for the first time and i really like the results!!!11!!1!!1
i had planned to meet up w l and her friend group in the evening to go out to eat but since i needed to bleach my hair last minute i didnt really have time to so me and my mom stopped by mcdonalds (omg did the el maco hit differently) and had that before bleaching my hair. i wouldnt have been able to arrive in time for the meetup. m later asked to hang out and i considered it but ended up not going. i stayed home and ended up stanning nine.i during the three hours i spent on youtube, i listened to their debut album a few days ago and fell in love w their sound bc they have brought back the sound ive been missing for so long. id describe it as like,,, seventeen and early the boyz kind of sound??? its so good. i havent learned all the members fully yet bc im so bad at remembering names but im getting there lol i was so glad to see edward avila had made a video w them since hes one of my fav youtubers !!!!!!! anyways, atm seowon, joohyung and minjun are a lot on my mind. i have no idea who my bias will be though or if ill even ever get one since i tend to not get biases very easily but ya!!!!! im a mine.i now!!!!!!!
anyways, the reason i specified i spent three (3) hours on yt is bc l messaged me and asked if i wanted to join them and her friends in town for a bit and after having rested for a bit i thought it would be fun so i did. we didnt do a lot but now that ive had my first official alcoholic drink i didnt mind asking for a sip from ls drink. it tasted like shit though lol
today i slept in. i had an alarm for inkigayo but i ended up going back to sleep bc i had already apparently missed some and i was so tired. i got up around 1:30 in the afternoon, had lunch/dinner and also snacked on some chips while watching minhyuk and hyungwon on inssaoppa. ive been really obsessed w those videos and im always so excited when a new ones released. then i did math homework while watching kpop stuff.
sotw: loona - kiss later
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FEH - Finally got the first merge on Hoshidan Summer Micaiah + appreciation post
With [Hall of Forms] now finished and all the rewards obtained, I can now rest at ease forgetting it, so I went to [Forging Bonds] and just got the last [Divine Codes: Ephemera 8] to give Micaiah her well earned merge, and here it is, her RES bane is no more.
While I don't see her often in [AR-D], I've come to understand why she's a good option here: she fills a very unique niche as a refresher with min-maxed attack and resistance that deals effective damage on armored and cavalry units, she aged really well as a unit despite her having one of the lowest BST values of her class but her refine will eventually come out and make her outstanding, I'll wait for it before I invest too much in her.
Anyway, this is not what I appreciate Micaiah, so I'll tell you a little story below and sum up my reasons, there'll be minor spoiler warnings and it's a tad too extensive but I hope you'll find it an interesting read if you do look on it.
I've known about her ever since I started to play Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn after I got my black Wii back in 2015 for my birthday and unlocked it to sideload USB games some time after, but it took me a little to feel like trying it and get it running, I used to be a guy that just trained whoever seemed likeable enough from looks so that I could get on, not as attentive with the plot of every game I play as I am now, but I've started to change that around the time I've started Final Fantasy VIII on the second half of 2019, a game that was truly legendary and emotional Imo.
This is more or less how I've come to known her, but I want to share what sparked interest on me for her:
It took me exactly two weeks to realize I wanted her so badly, it helped that when Lilina was announced, I'd need a [Feh Pass] subscription for just this month, and I got it with help from a friend, to date, I'm still grateful to that user for the support and for us to continue upholding a strong bond.
In any case, when the time came, I realized how charming this skin was, it's one of the best we've gotten, the Hel thematic looks wonderful on her (what a delightful blend of colors and precise styling by Sachie, same person that made the art for Legendary Julia and Sara, yes, more favs 💜) and the art is overall just too good but the best piece out of the four is the normal one I think, and I'll explain why while covering my favorite part of character talking: personality.
Micaiah is a kind and caring girl towards those she holds dear, specially the people of the country she eventually leads as a queen: Daein, located in the Tellius continent.
«I don't really like crowds. Sometimes, I sneak off to the forest to catch a break.
I'm guessing the guiding hand of this army might need a break, too!»
— Micaiah: Priestess of Dawn, Fire Emblem Heroes.
She also has a bit of a bitter side but that's not how she normally comes off, yet, this doesn't come out without a reason, she was born a Branded (a human born from a human and laguz unity that end up getting a special power and an irremovable brand somewhere in their body, highly discriminated in Tellius), she had to hide her brand to anyone but her closest friends like Sothe so that she's not mistreated.
She's highly capable of selflessness, symbolized through that power she's gotten: [Sacrifice], it heals the target's wounds at the cost of her life force, she can recover just fine, but it exhausts her in return. This has allowed her to heal without staves and get the recognition from her people in Daein, like when she was first fleeing Begnion forces in Nevassa (capital city of Daein) while repelling bandit attacks, the citizens blocked the path when Micaiah and the Dawn Brigade (it's a group she leads to liberate her country) flee, but before she could escape, she sensed danger, and spotted a young guy being hurt from an arrow a Begnion soldier shot to a child named Nico, who would remember Micaiah's act of kindness for nursing him back to health almost instantly.
There were some times in which Micaiah also had to make really tough decisions, for example: Ike's army was tasked by Apostle Sanaki of Begnion to escort her to her country as they were trying to uncover the vile senate's acts, they had to pass through Daein territory, but because of a [Blood Pact] (a contract that enforces its signer's obedience to avoid a greater catastrophe) that Pelleas (that's the former king of Daein's son) signed under the false pretention that was a peace treaty the senate proposed. Micaiah had to hinder Ike's army advancement to see if she can trick the Begnion senate so she sent her soldiers to fight for that... she wanted to give time to Pelleas so that he could find a way to remove the effects from the [Blood Pact], as they couldn't just be removed normally. She had to make those sacrifices all because of a contract, and she couldn't even just tell Ike that she was forced to follow orders, the attacks from Daein forces didn't make much sense to him naturally. It was her people or her soldiers, so she had to make such decisions that tested her willpower, yet she's strong at heart and carried out with the orders she was given.
In Fire Emblem Heroes, she doesn't talk much about those events, but that's because she wishes to be free from the chains of past days, even if for a moment, she shows a friendly personality towards the Summoner and still being herself. She became queen of Daein and led her people to an age of prosperity, welcoming both laguz and human alike.
Now, all this and more things you'd learn as you play Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn (or may remember from your playthroughs) show how strongly developed and compelling she is as a character, there's a lot going in her life and she lived many difficult moments, yet she got through and grew into a kind and strong-willed woman, she truly impressed me, and I think she's truly pretty, like, I mean:
(Artwork from Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn Memorial Book Tellius Recollection: The Second Volume)
I won't deny that the Resplendent skin is magnificent and gave me the last push-up to play her home game after a long time and learn more about her, but I could see what kind of character she is and what makes her truly special... true, she's not my "best girl" (see PFP) but I still hold her dear as if she was almost high up there. And it's said that "nothing beats the original", so I certainly love her original design.
Here's a little showcase of the other two variants of her I have, I'm missing only her Bridal alt and the possible Legendary one coming later in this month, but here are them:
I love all her official art and how it manages to bring out her friendliness and tender side.
I'm so glad that so far, I've lucked out well with her IVs save her Hoshidan Summer alt, and she appeared randomly when pulling for others most of the time, so it's great to have her now, even as-is.
Her Brave variant from 2019 should be getting a refine next month or any time for the remainder of 2021, I know it'll be good but I would already love to know what it'll do before I give her anything else.
...
And here ends my appreciation post and optional read, if you've made it this far, thank you so much for reading, it means a lot to me if you've come to enjoy it.
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Thanks for the tag @yearthirtynine x
1. Why did you choose your url?
Because one of my favourite actors is Lily James and I think it’s really cute
2. Any side-blogs? If you have them, name them and why you have them
No side-blogs. Everything in one place bby (although i am thinking of creating one)
3. How long have you been on tumblr?
Probably since around 2014, but I’ve only had this blog since late last year
4. Do you have a queue tag?
I do. ‘#ya just plain queue’ is the tag
5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?
Felt like starting over after the blog I had since I started on this site kept getting me death threats and harassment.(people don’t like opinions)
6. Why did you choose you icon/pfp?
I love Lily’s smile and the photo is one of my favourites
7. Why did you choose you header?
Taylor Swift lyrics that very much speak about what my life is like atm. Hard time but I’m surviving. Plus the colours and design are very pretty.
8. What’s your post with the most notes?
A friendly reminder to everyone that Margaret Thatcher was a cunt and not a ‘girlboss’ after the newest season of the crown with her in.
9. How many mutuals do you have?
About 3 or 4 but idk what counts as a mutual these days
10. How many followers do you have?
591. Which surprises me as I’ve only had this blog a few months.
11. How many people do you follow?
873
12. Have you ever made a shitpost?
Probably not but idk what counts as a shitpost
13. How often do you use tumblr each day?
I try not to spend too much time on it all the time but I do check everyday for notes and if ive been tagged in anything
14. Did you have a fight/argument with a blog once? Who won?
I cannot remember and I do not care to remember
15. How do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this post’?
It depends on the content. If it’s serious information about the goings on of places like recently with Palestine then I’ll reblog. It’s the posts that shame me into reblogging by saying ‘if you don’t reblog this you’re the worst person on this planet’ that earn a scroll past for me.
16. Do you like tag games?
I do but I do have some anxiety about who to tag in them so sometimes I chicken out and don’t do them.
17. Do you like ask games?
I very much do but whenever I reblog one I hardly get any asks. Kinda makes me not wanna do them.
18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?
I did have one that was pretty popular cause she did amazing Taylor Swift edits but she deactivated not long ago (got me sad honestly). Mu mutuals are all very talented and great and I always wonder why they still follow me
19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?
I don’t but I do think all of you are amazing and sweet and deserve the world
20. Tags
@somebodytoolove @ginnypcttcr @brielarsonist @ecle-c-tic @freddie-moments
#i was tagged#tag game#about me#thanks for tagging me in this! x#mutuals#no pressure to take part <3
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random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)
well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.
back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time. i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward;
I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead
It would be nice if time could be turned back.
Years may pass but I'll never die
I repeat hopeful words to myself,
even though I know I still won't be able to reach you.
"It doesn't matter,
just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it.
Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life.
"If summer can show me dreams, then
let's go to before you were taken away"
The days where I hid my embarrassment
are illuminating upon the atmosphere and
burning my mind.
If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then
I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from
and naturally seclude myself from the outside world.
"But that means you can't even see tomorrow?"
I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok
I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days
I'm choosing "solitude" after all
A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again
while clinging on to your colored smile
Underneath the blazing sun
Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!"
and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped
I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.
#long post#hinatalks#we live in a society#fr fr#when i die....if god is real..i´ll end this once and for all. all of it#i am left with nothing but pain and anger.... i cant even feel anymore. i think i forgot how to
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Episode 6 - "It is then that I realize all those years of buying him chicken nuggets has paid off." - Trixie
Colin
OMG NO NOT NIC WHY
Literally the only person I actually trusted from the original villains tribe and he's gone fuck. Now I gotta find new allies.
I'm gonna start working on Liana more and also talk more to Bryce. He's really nice and we bonded during immunity. I also am gonna keep my ties to the giant Nicholas/Dana/Trixie/blah/blah/blah premade just to keep myself safe. I don't want to go far with them by any means but they're good to keep around because they will keep me safe as long as they can I think.
Also fuck Survivor Jeopardy. I love jeopardy but fuck survivor. That is all. Goodnight.
Bryan
Ok so that vote went perfectly! I didn’t have to use my idol. There were no votes cast against me as well! Poor Willa is gonna wake up and think wtf happened. Trixie is now a close ally to me and Christian as well! I’m still keeping my eye on her tho. She is a very good player so I will not be letting my guard down. Hopefully our tribe will win immunity tho!
VL DR: tribal jeopardy is darksided and that is the truth and nothing but the truth
QuilLynn
I villain just got taken out on a tribe with minority heroes, woo! It gives me hope for me and Bryce if we ever have to face a tribal with our tribe. I'm excited for jeopardy, but worried that if I play and lose it for my team (big possibility) I could be in danger, so I might not volunteer to play, but I'm excited to watch either way, I'm sure it's going to be a great comp!
Colin
I haven't found anything useful since I found that senja idol that one time BUT! Your fave gay just found a cute, fashionable, one-of-a-kind accessory!
I found this cute ass shell in the east lagoon and I'm gonna wear it as a necklace for the rest the season uwu. It does nothing but look cute. Kinda like me.
yeah that just sums up how exciting my game has been the past few rounds. bye.
Nicholas
quillynn von ghina is the WORST DRAG QUEEN EVER!!!
**Senja and Malam win immunity**
Bryan
Well that sure was something huh? Anyways. AAAAHHH THESE LAGOON SEARCHES ARE FINALLY MAKING SENSE! I FIGURED OUT THE ROCKS! I just hope I’m right about the loud noise being the mountain and not something else and having to search for that then.
Bryce
Losing immunity is always rough but we gave it our best shot! Somehow I think Zachary Rae should go home :/ !! But I think my current plan is to work with Quillynn and Nicholas and just survive this round. Me and Quillynn are basically trying to find anyone to be a 3rd and give us majority lol so I hope it will pay off. Ive barely spoken to anyone tho so its awk I didnt even message Liana until yesterday. But I feel confident in surviving a little bit I guess
QuilLynn
So we ended up losing immunity and lbr it was my terrible jeopardy skills that caused that so um yikes!! I think i'm definitely in danger of going home, I'm one of two heroes and I lost the challenge for our tribe also, have never messaged Liana yet so.. thats not good! Nicholas is my friend, but he's also a villain and a snake so putting faith in him to vote to keep me? not a cute look! Also I love Bryce, but I can see him voting me out just to save himself, I mean I hope he wouldn't do it, but I understand that he potentially could. I know I'm going to feel awful if I go home this round and I just really hope that doesn't happen.
Chips
Alright, so we had an auction where I was hoping to win Chips and Dip because it is a reference to my name. And that's cute - also they can be tasty depending on the kind of dip. I like to eat salsa or cheese dip. Not really so much guacamole because usually they mix it with onions and I have super negative reactions to onion like getting migraines and tossing my cookies.
They wouldn't let up in bidding all of their money on the chips and dip so I ended up with running shoes instead. I am glad to replace my shoes with the one that were given to me by production because they were getting raggedy with me running around the island looking for stuff... even though I never do. They're raggedy anyway.
So the auction was also a trick of sorts where they assigned the items you could win to tribes so that whatever you won equaled a new tribe for a swap. And so I got swapped onto the tribe that I was already inhabiting - making me solidly the role of a hero^2.
https://78.media.tumblr.com/7d1a5d1c5e57899b572bc46a1f20d7ce/tumblr_ohi0x1vidX1vn1j1jo3_250.gif
Swapping onto my tribe are Zach and Dana! And staying with me are Jay and Kelsey.
Here's the rundown of how I feel about this - I'd like to work with Zach or Dana but they are likely already working together and if they weren't then this swap will make it more likely in that they are two villains amongst three heroes.
I need to decide whether to try and scoop them up with Jay or Kelsey or to join with Jay and Kelsey in voting one of them off. I'm not sure at the moment which direction I want to go so I'm just socializing with everyone and keeping my options open.
https://m.popkey.co/4bc560/QLJpy_s-200x150.gif
So the next challenge was the stay up forever challenge where you shoot darts at people and me and Zach were the last standing of our tribe! Which I think hopefully makes me look like a good contributor and worth working in the game with? I dunno - I hope that's true... at any rate we didn't lose and the other tribe did with their player getting bored/tired/accepting their fate.
That player was Nic and he got voted out at the following tribal council so it's kind of an awful position for him to be in. I mean, being the last around whenever no one else was there to pull it out for him! Anyway... that's all I have to say about that, because that's all there is.
http://31.media.tumblr.com/d5a54fcf6460728f38b397226b628289/tumblr_mmd9ltjQs11r6xbv8o1_250.gif
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Next round we have to play Jeopardy and then Logan did this thing where he scheduled it at times where I can't play so I get to do the fun thing where I can't show up and can't bond with all of my new friends... which is okay, but also sad.
We won immunity by blowing the other teams out of the water which is surprising because I swear Jeopardy is usually very close... Hm? At any rate! I love immunity so I don't have to worry about who to vote out!
https://media.giphy.com/media/4bWWKmUnn5E4/giphy.gif
Guess I need to go back to socializing. Or also search since I still need to use my extra run with my shoes.
Willa
If we lose immunity and Trixie votes me off I've been a victim of cyber bullying
Colin
ok so obv us going to tribal isn't.... ideal.... but Survivor is about adaptability!!! I can make it work. I got a plan.
So I think on my tribe I like Bryce the most. I get good vibes from him, he has Dua Lipa as a pfp, whats not to like. SO I wanna set an alliance type thing with him into motion.
I think the obvious plan on our tribe is going to be voting out Liana. But I don't wanna do that. She was close to Nic, I was close to Nic, and she makes an excellent goat. Merge is probably in the next 2 or 3 rounds, and having another number around is essential. That leaves two potential targets for me. Quil and Nicholas. This is gonna sound crazy but hear me out. They're part of the huge premade that I mention all the time, and every member of that premade is still in. And merge is comin' soon!! That's gonna be a nearly unstoppable force if it's still intact during the merge.
It's too late in the game to take out easy targets. We gotta think bigger!! I'll update y'all as soon as I can
xoxo
Later...
okay so y'all know how I can never keep my god damn mouth shut right? WELL THAT JUST ACTUALLY WORKED OUT FOR ME FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. I was talking to Quil about the vote and then??? he brings up the possibility of voting out Nich??? and bitch im SHOOK.
So I start talking to him and it turns out he doesn't wanna be associated with that friend group at all and he is 100% down for tearing down the premade. WHEW, this is honestly perfect. It's a backup in case Bryce isn't on board, and if leaves less room for bad blood for when Nicholas is taken out tonight.
I'm so so so happy this worked out whew. That's one less premade member for when the merge hits, and one more ally for me. I really respect Quil for being able to play on his own, and I feel like after just that small conversation I trust him a million percent. Tonight is gonna be fun ladies!
Zach
yeah i won immunity.. that's right. all me.
im also bitter that my idol i found today was not for my tribe. wtf??? rude! leaving me to DIE WITHOUT TWO IDOLS? what kind of sorcery. anyway i gave it to trixie for obvious reasons, and ideally idk what to do now.
i dont trust dana.
Trixie
Trixie’s Almost-Tragic Tribal Council: So once we swapped, I suggested to nic that since villains have majority we should make an alliance, and nic set up a group with willa and i. Then, we lost the challenge and everything went to YIKES.
Willa and nic were saying to vote christian, which was fine by me, except I had a sneaking suspicion that nic was going to flip with the heroes and take me out. I went to willa and he didn’t seem to care/believe me: cue my freakout. I called bryan and he confirmed that nic had went to him with everything, and that I was the target because I had “friends on the other tribes”.
So, I knew immediately I had to call the pest control because we got ourselves a snake problem! I talked to christian and said that nic would be the better vote because he’s super shady, and she agreed. I also dropped some stuff that hopefully she would tell bryan cus I knew they were aligned, like how much i trust him, and how nic is just trying to play both sides.
Moral of the story: anybody with the name and or variant of “nic” is a snake. Bye.
Later...
So i’ve been looking for this idol for DAYS. I got chased by a beastly komodo dragon that kind of looked like dana, except a lot cuter and less flaky scaly skin. Anyway, I was really feeling this idol search desperation last tribal but I managed to flip the target from me to nic. But I almost exhausted all possible searches in the east lagoon and then suddenly, I get a message.
A message from the heavenly gods up in the clouds. I remember it clearly: the sun is a beautiful shining rae, the fluffy white clouds part to reveal an angel descending from the skies, holding the most magical item in the world. I am on the ground, a meekly dumb furby staring up stupidly to the skies, watching this divine being. He gifts me an idol and I know now that the angel is zachary rae. It is then that I realize all those years of buying him chicken nuggets has paid off.
Thanks filmy lav you xx.
Kelsey
Well good golly Miss Molly, safety first~! It feels great to have immunity once again on this island. Top ten is slowly and slowly becoming more and more real and...it just...I can't believe I'm so close! Back in the reunion of my old season, I remember Jackson saying he underestimated me and I remember telling him to BUG OFF, but now...now, if this keeps up, I may be a true contender to snatch the crown~! I just have to keep PRAYING that these challenges will rely on those with strong physical acumen because if there are ever one on one face offs again, I'm not too sure that can take me to the end. In terms of voting off hookers, I...am still rather nervous about going to a tribal. I still haven't been able to get Chips and Jay in the same room as each other and time's running short because I can just FEEL we're going to have to vote someone eventually. I could always try and throw my lot with Dana and Zachary, but who's to say those two are on good terms? Even more so, what if there's one of each tribe speaking with another? It would be entirely and utterly scary and...I don't even know where to begin in terms of sifting out who is who. I just hope i make it further, goodness KNOWS I deserve it!
And THAT'S all there is to it~!
Stream Reputation on Spotify Now!
-Kelsey V Mikaelson
#TeamIBelieveInYall #TeamBEES
Christian
Thank god trixie won the 5% challenge advantage, because I really wasn't looking forward going to tribal again. I think her and I are pretty solid. So if we did have to attend another tribal, her, Bryan, and I would vote Willa out. I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me lol, unless I'm reading it wrong.
Liana
It took too long to get on a tribe with Chris and I'm tired so I'm probably getting voted out because I'd rather sleep than talk to strangers.
Jay
So Dana and I straight up crush Jeopardy lol we got 3k and the others got 600. Not to brag but im kinda awesome at trivia :)
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