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week one hundred and twenty eight
hm, very short entry.
we went to do karaoke yesterday for my sister's birthday. it was my first time and i ended up being really drunk and it was really fun!
sotw: chappell roan - good luck, babe!
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week one hundred and twenty seven
okay.
i've been playing so much stardew (and reading ao3)!
did my weekly grocery shopping on monday and also picked up a vinyl for my sister that i had ordered and managed to get myself a puberty 2 vinyl as well while browsing the store hihi.
on thursday i had a presentation together with my classmates d, e and o. d's so pretty and smart *dies*. she had dyed her hair (or well, retouched it) and it looked so nice. i think i MIGHT (!) be developing a crush. i don't know. TRUST ME I DON'T KNOW EITHER HOW I CAN MOVE BETWEEN PEOPLE SO QUICK!!!!!!!! only thing is that she's very short which had always for me been like... a thing i don't really like. LIKE I KNOW IT'S NOT GOOD TO BE VISUAL LIKE THAT but... it's okay to have a few visual preferences... right? or am i problematic?
i have however always thought she was pretty during the online lectures back in the fall too. literally after my first day i remember thinking about how pretty i thought she was and how i'd like to be her friend... or something along those lines...
right... presentation. we had about influences in k-pop and i had about queer influences but i was so nervous TT d like... nodded and hummed and agreed and stuff throughout the thing which in a way helped but you know, i was still stumbling over all words and repeating information and only looking at the floor and my hand was super shakey... like to the point where o mentioned it when she was trying to comfort me afterwards TT she was like "oh no, you did well, one could tell your hand was shaking but other than that it was really good!"
on the brighter side, i received a lot of questions afterwards, which i now realize could just be because i explained it poorly, so that was nice. however i once again got nervous and like... couldn't perfectly explain things so d jumped in for me and answered and gave shorter and more concise answers. i'd like to think she did it because she noticed how uncomfortable i was. i was impressed how much she knew about the subject but i guess it makes sense since her part of the presentation was about black influences in k-pop and you know, black and queer culture have a lot of history together and queer history includes mainly people of color. it was still impressive though.
i talked briefly with her and s after class and i walked home feeling like i might have some friends soon. so that's exciting!
on friday i went shopping with m. it was a lot of fun but i spent so much money... we went to some stores then had food then more stores then a sweet treat then beer. i'll list a quick haul: halfaxa vinyl, maroon nail polish, foundation, eyeliner and a hair repair oil thingy.
we also... kind of planned a trip to dublin for funsies... to see twenty one pilots next year... we might fuck around and go... we have over a year to save up for it so you know... it's fineeeeeee. i'm so glad we both love ireland.
yesterday was my sister's birthday. i gave her an orville peck vinyl and a shirt with pedro pascal on it. her two fav things, country and pedro. i was nervous she wouldn't like the shirt but she ended up wearing it for when her (our?) friends came over, a, j and l. we had white people taco night and then played mario kart and mario party. it was a lot of fun!
our shower drain is clogged so today's laundry day so i can wash the bathroom rug that ended up being... quite nasty after the shower that made us realize the drain was clogged. i had to do my laundry soon anyways so it's fine.
i used to really like doing laundry but now it feels like such a hassle. i booked the same machine twice today so i had more time to wash everything since i think i wanna wash the rug seperately from my clothes and then i obviously have to do seperate color and white washes. so much work.
sotw: babymetal - mirror mirror
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week one hundred and twenty six
shooooooort entry because i need to work on my essay for school and i also just want to play stardew all day. need to see my harvey pookie.
the essay is quite fun though. i quite like writing essays... especially now. it's a group project and our main theme is influences in k-pop and i'm focusing on queer influences. it's a lot of fun to research! it's going to be hard to summarize it for the presentation though.
(also... went on a date with that girl but uh no spark? think we're keeping it casual? i'm not sure?)
(and i bought tickets for josé gonzález. shitting! pooping! so excited!)
sotw: charli xcx - von dutch
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week one hundred and twenty five
this week went by so fast...
i've been talking a lot to z and even asked her out on a date a few days ago and we're now going on one next week hihi so exciting!
she's so pretty and i love that she loves fall out boy as much as me (if not more). i think the way she misspells words sometimes is really cute.
i think it seems as if i'm moving on faster than a normal person right now but i feel like i should clarify that l had been acting off for like a solid month before we officially stopped meeting but like... nothing changed except for the title of the situation. talking stage to not talking. he's just as distant and i'm just as distant back. i'm over him.
apart from that, this week's been very uneventful. no work and what felt like barely any school. i've had a lot of reading to do but not a lot of class. i went out for a guinness with m on monday though!
i've fallen in love with the state of washington too. washington and oregon. soooooo pretty. i want to go there so bad and experience small towns and nature. it's gorgeous. i almost just get sad thinking about it because the flight would be so long and it would just be horrendous for me.
oh! actually... this week had one more major event lol. i went to the emergency room. i've had like this reoccuring pain in my chest for months and i still have an appointment in april for getting it checked out but on friday it had been hurting for like an hour and then i got like a really sudden burst of pain that was worse than it had ever been and i went to take a painkiller and i felt like throwing up for like... a minute and then i was fine? my chest still hurt so my sister's boyfriend got me a cab and i went to the emergency room because we all decided i might as well check it out.
i spent five hours in there. getting the initial wristband and check-in done didn't take too long however waiting for the rest took ages. i waited maybe an hour and a half for them to take a few blood samples and an ecg and then another like... three hours to get the results. the doctor ended up saying i had nothing to be worried about because it wasn't anything that had to be taken care of immediately. my heart and blood and lungs were all totally fine so they'll just do a more thorough check on my appointment next month in case they wanna do an x-ray or something.
i missed the train home by like a minute so i had to wait an extra 20 minutes too which wasn't that fun but i got home safe and sound even though it was 3 am.
my sister's boyfriend's sister and her husband (that's a mouthful) are here for easter so they're sleeping in the living room. i feel like i have to go to sleep so early because of that because i don't want to wake them up with my inevitable 4 am snack otherwise. just one more night of sleeping early!
sotw: phoebe bridgers - waiting room
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week one hundred and twenty four
we broke up.
literally the same day i wrote last week's entry.
i don't know what to call it other than break up even though it wasn't exactly a breakup since we were never an offical thing. i didnt even cry about it at first. i had been so annoyed with how distant he'd been so i decided to message him a long message talking about how i can't keep being this distant and that i understand he's busy or whatever but that it was shit that he didn't even text me a single bit during the day or anything apart from like a snap to keep our streak and a reaction to my bereal. i knew going into it that it would most likely end in a breakup but it was still so shocking when he actually did.
he then said something about how we could just take a break or something and that he doesn't know what he's looking for and i told him that i don't like having breaks and i either wanna keep dating or just don't date at all, no in between thing. so... we ended up splitting.
i didn't cry about it until he later explained a little and literally said "yeah, the feelings are just not there anymore like they used to be." SOB FEST! literally the next day when going to bed was the first time i broke down about it. i've cried about it a few times. like a few bigger ones and like sometimes i'll just have moments where i get really teary-eyed and sad listening to a song or something that reminds me of him. i remember going to ikea the day after and getting so teary-eyed on the subway it made it hard to see clearly. i treated myself a ben & jerry's on the way home but i still felt so sad.
it's weird. i liked him so much. i'm right now still working my feelings out and trying to get past this and just move on. it's really just smaller memories that make me go really sad really quickly. it's mainly like compliments he's given me or like just any moment he's been really gentle with me. it was the first time i've felt like that. i don't know what feeling it is though but I just feel so? i don't know?
just like remembering gentle touches when he'd rub my hand or when he'd get really excited about something and pull me in a tight hug or when he'd giggle when i tickled him and start play fighting with me to make me stop TT is this... cringe?
i am however starting to get over him a bit and it's nice to think back on things, of course, but i am currently feeling more pissed off at him rather than sad.
so i downloaded hinge again and i've matched with a girl who so far seems really cool. i don't want her to seem like a replacement thing though. i don't want it to become that. she doesn't deserve having someone use her like that and neither do i want to use her, i think it's just my head making the situation seem worse than it is. i broke up. i'm just fishing for new fishes like anyone would. she is actually really amazing and we have sm in common and she's so pretty. i'm hoping it goes well :D her only red flag is liking musicals.
anyways, i'll quickly sum up the rest of this week's events!
i got the most massive cut on monday and i still have to wear plasters on my thumb every now and then when i accidentally rip it open again from whatever.
on tuesday i started my new job! hehe, i mentioned that in julien's stream on monday and he answered with like "that's great! hope you have a good first day!" and i actually did, thank you, julien!
the team is so nice and fun. no one's been a bitch so far. i really enjoy the work there so far. it's quite chill and like you finish up your daily tasks pretty early and then the rest of the shift is usually just checking in and out guests, answering occasional emails and playing duolingo. i like it because the bosses are nice too and like are very much supportive of like, doing whatever if you don't have any actual work left to do. i'm glad they're not like "oh! if you don't have anything to do then you should just stand and look professional," like... that's such bullshit, literally let me check my pinterest, i promise, no one gives a shit and it makes the day go by faster and i actually get a lot of stuff done in my spare time at work because it gives me time to study.
the uniform is a bit mid but i've seen people not wearing it and just dressing a bit business casual and no one seems to care so i'll probably just do that when possible. i'd rather wear all black than the blue button-up.
on saturday, my sister's friends came over. i like hanging out with them a lot. all together we were me, my sister, her boyfriend, my cousin, her boyfriend and two other friends, j and m. my sister's boyfriend prepared a whole three meal dinner and it was so fancy and so tasty. it's so luxurious living with a good cook.
after a while we were all drunk and playing charades and doing tarot readings and having deep talks. it was so funny because my sister suddenly just asked me if i'm still meeting l. had a little storytime about the situation for them and then my sister was like "why is he still reacting to your bereals then? maybe he should stop?" and she's so right... then i dropped the bomb that we still snap each other (we send streaks and say nothing, however, i was just about the delete the app) and the whole room went "BRUHHHH." it was so funny. then i briefly mentioned the new girl i just started talking to and the conversation moved on.
today i had my last shift at work for now. i don't know when my next one is but i'll enjoy the time off. i had my third morning shift and it's horrific getting up in the morning for it but having a monster first thing when i get to work helps.
right now i'm waiting for the mcdonald's delivery to arrive. yippeee!
sotw: kent - socker
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week one hundred and twenty three
i haven't met l all week and we don't talk a lot. i think i'm getting used to it though. i don't know. i'm just going to choose to trust he's just busy and that it isn't something else bothering him. i'll let it go on for a tiny bit and as of right now i've decided to not ask him to hang out and just wait for him to ask me since he keeps saying he's so busy and can't meet up a lot. it makes me feel so mean talking like this if he actually just is THAT busy but i don't know. i guess it's just weird to me because i tend to prioritize social relationships over a lot of things.
anyways, monday was my weekly shopping day! after going to a few second-hand stores all over town i decided to finally give up on looking for a cd shelf second-hand and i was just so tired of walking and everything so i decided to just do the grocery shopping. i just really need somewhere to store my cds... i have so many...
on wednesday the garfield plush i ordered a few weeks ago arrived. he's my baby, so cute.
on saturday i wore my new black button-up. i wore it over a my chemical romance tee and i looked so... gender.
speaking of which, i've literally entered a crisis.
i've been questioning like... every part of my life. my studies, my hobbies, my gender... literally e v e r y t h i n g. actually, on friday, applications for uni courses opened. it's open for a month and since my major doesn't have a program for it, i have to apply to the following courses each term. so now i applied to korean iii and korean regional culture but aside from those, i decided to apply to a course in game music and a beginner's course in dutch. game music seemed fitting since i really want to work with translating games and i already have a music degree so like... it seemed somewhat fitting. i actually put it higher up than the korean regional culture course because i really want to get in. the dutch i just added because i've been practicing dutch on duolingo and it's quite a good language to have for your repertoire of languages as a translator. although honestly, if i wanna work with games i should've gone with japanese or even chinese.
hobbies have been one of my concerns recently too. i wish i was creative. like i literally own a bunch of instruments and have a fucking degree but why do i never feel the urge to practice. i love the idea of performing and creating but i know no one in the area who wants to play in a band and i suck at writing songs. i love writing lyrics but adding the actual music part of it is not my greatest talent and just makes me feel like shit for even trying.
i've also been interested in trying to do youtube or maybe stream FOR A WHILEEE but i keep finding things that just keep me from doing it. for youtube i need to learn how to edit better. i've edited before and i honestly find it very enjoyable so i'd like that part of doing youtube videos. the recording kind of scares me off though. i just don't want to record videos when people are home, that's so humiliating.
streaming just seems like fun to me though, i'd have to get quite a lot for that though. feels a bit dumb doing it on my laptop TT my sister was so pro this idea though because we were talking about doing streams and i was like "oh, i'd like to try, it seems like a lot of fun," and she was so supportive of it and wanted me to try. i'd have to get a lot for it though: camera, mic, at least one monitor and every sims pack there is so i can actually like do everything. wouldn't be too mad about getting all the packs to be fair.
gender's also been a lot on my mind. i can't really explain the feeling though. i think if i were to not be cis i'd probably be something like genderfluid but i don't really like to be perceived as androgynous weirdly enough. i wish i could just grow a mustache on demand and grow some man muscle and look like that every now and then. like i like dressing feminine and doing makeup and a lot of the time i do just that but i don't know. i think the best way for me to describe what i want my gender to be is that i really enjoy loving girls as a girl but i want to love guys the way guys love guys. sorry for the binary sound of it but i hope you like... get the vision? i honestly have struggled a bit with just that feeling after starting to date l bc we're bi4bi but straight-passing.
this whole gender thing has kind of sent me into a spiral and i think i want more piercings and tattoos than ever now. i think they'll be weirdly affirming.
ugh, anyways, saturday afternoon my (our? don't really know how to word it since it's both me and my sister's cousin but not my sister's boyfriend's whom we live with?) cousin came by and stayed until midnight. it was really nice and we had tacos and played board games and just talked over cocktails.
at one point we were playing our silly little question game and one of the questions was which celebrity you'd pick for each person to marry and i got kristen stewart by my cousin and paul mescal by my sister's boyfriend and i am very happy with those!
my cousin came by this morning as well with a game she was lending to my sister and her boyfriend. we had a coffee together before i went back to getting ready for the day.
sotw: kim petras - throat goat
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week one hundred and twenty two
week started off good with a successful job interview. i can't believe i got so lucky with finding a job. it was definitely worth spending an entire day on applying to like 50+ jobs. it's a receptionist job at a hotel quite nearby which is nice. it looks so fancy and the people there seem nice! it's an extra job so it's even less hours than part-time but honestly, that suits me really well. from my experiences from part-time they always end up giving me more hours than i can take and i end up feeling like shit. i am quite scared of being exposed to german and dutch though because i might've added those to my resume although i definitely only knows the basics, especially of dutch. i've been grinding duolingo to get my german back to the level it was a few years ago but it's still a long way to go.
on thursday i went out with l and his friends, more specifically, ONE of his friends and their friends. it was nice but the vibe was OFF. he's recently been replying SO DRYLY and now it was even happening in real life. it actually got me feeling so shit i ended up texting him about it afterwards and asking if everything was okay to which he responded "i'm just really busy rn," WHICH IS FAIR but i don't know, you don't keep your headphones on when i'm talking to you because you're busy... like i get not being able to meet as much but being busy doesn't equal acting like that when we meet up.
at least his friend was really nice!
on friday i queued all day with m and two other swedish-speaking finns that she apparently knew and, oh my god, the world is so tiny because one of them knew a lot of people i went to high school with.
we were queueing for the 1975!!!!!!!!!!!!! i actually didn't feel like it took too long. we would've gotten barricade if they didn't let the other queue in before us and i'm still so pissed about that because WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE WITH NUMBERS ABOVE 100 IN FRONT OF ME WHEN I WAS ONE OF THE FIRST 15 PEOPLE IN THE FUCKING QUEUE?!?!
at least they were good live. they played so many of my favorites, jesus christ 2005 god bless america, a change of heart... i only wish matty would've talked more. he barely said anything :(
i also ended up not getting any merch because the only shirt i wanted was sold out TT
conveniently, on saturday, i had booked an appointment to fill in some ink for my tattoo and i had to get up early and i was not having it!!! literally was more annoyed about having to get up and get ready than the actual travelling and getting the tattoo fixed. i had some time to spare before the appointment so i went by a shop to get a monster and also left the appointment with a kexchoklad that another artist gave to me. what a guy! forgot how good they were too... yum.
the rest of the day i played sims and watched family guy.
now it's sunday and i'm thinking about going for a jog. i would've already been on one by now if it wasn't for the bathroom being occupied for the past hour or so TT to be fair, i also take my fair share of time in there when i'm getting ready.
i haven't gone for a jog in so long since it's been winter and icy and just... not appropriate weather because you will never catch me buying a jacket and specific shoes and shit just for a little jog. i already bought a pair of shoes and workout clothes last year so i can grind during the summer.
sotw: the 1975 - a change of heart
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week one hundred and twenty one
fitting week number because twenty one pilots dropped a new song, overcompensate. i love it so much and i've been listening to it so much this past week. i can't grasp that they're dropping another album and that it'll be more like their older stuff (older as in before scaled and icy). i honestly really like scaled and icy. it's their worst album but i really don't think it's bad. it's a fun time and redecorate is genuinely so fucking good. i just hope they do a world tour with this new album because i'd die to see them again. they were so amazing live when i saw them during the bandito tour.
speaking of concerts, i got bring me the horizon tickets!!! so excited. they're playing a festivalish thingy here in stockholm and so far only bmth and bad omens have been announced for that day. i don't care for bad omens too much but i'll probably try to listen to them a bit before the concert. i used to quite like like a villain though.
sotw: twenty one pilots - overcompensate
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week one hundred and twenty
time for a longer entry for once... i think.
i only met l once this week because he was busy studying for his theory- and practical driving tests. bro, i got like makeout abstinence. one makeout sesh a day keeps the sadness away or something. god, i'm insufferable.
monday was a mess. i went thrifting to look for a cd shelf thingy but ended up with five cds instead. i got automatic by the jesus and mary chain for l and zenyatta mondatta and ghost in the machine by the police, faith by the cure and era vulgaris by queens of the stone age for me. i originally got a morrissey dvd too because it had a lot of the smiths songs on it but ended up not buying it BECAUSE... when i went to check out my stuff my card declined? i had money and my limit was high enough but it just wouldn't work. i tried taking away the morrissey dvd in case my limit actually was being pushed but that didn't work either. thankfully they were able to hold the stuff while i went to take out some cash. i did however call both my mom and my sister in distress.
i actually don't remember shit from tuesday.
i dyed my hair on wednesday! black! i also trimmed my bangs and i might've made them VERY short. i like microbangs though, like, that was what i was going for anyways but it's always just as big of shock each time i trim it. i usually trim it once it starts reaching my eyebrows. anyways, microbangs together with the black makes me feel so alt and cool. i mean, i AM alt, but still. i'm just now getting used to the new look but i've been told by three people now that i fit black very well which is a compliment i haven't gotten for any other color ever so...
i lost crazy much hair while dyeing it and washing it out though, it was almost scary. thought i was gonna end up bald.
in my second class on thursday i had my camera on and s dmed me in the zoom chat and told me my hair was pretty :( it made me so happy :( she asked me if i dyed it recently and then complimented it again TT she's always so sweet, love her!
on thursday i received two packages! one was my digital camera. i'm so excited to start bringing it everywhere and take cute y2k:ey pictures. the quality is just as shitty as i wanted it to be. the other package was a copy of turtles all the way down. i've only read two chapters so far but i'm so excited to read more, i love john's books so much. i'm so excited about having the english hard cover too. it's so pretty.
thursday evening i went to l's place. his parents were gone for the weekend so i expected to stay more than one night but ended up just sleeping there one night because he had plans with his friends friday evening. my way there was a mess, i took the wrong train and ended up two stations wrong. the train line splits in three after a few stations and i just realized the names of the stops started sounding unfamiliar. i got off and switched tracks and went one stop and after walking off at that stop i realized i was supposed to go another stop in the same direction before i was able to switch trains so i had to wait like 10 minutes for the next one and got on that one and then wait another 10 minutes to go on the right train.
at his place we listened to some music and exchanged cds. i gave him the the jesus and mary chain cd and he gave me röd by kent. i also brought some popcorn i had bought before being reminded of the fact that we don't have a microwave at home TT i also brought a vegan chocolate bar. it was white chocolate with rasperries and it sounded so good but i didn't really like it so i brought it for him to try but mainly for his younger sister who i thought would like it since she's allergic to milk and eats a lot of vegan stuff anyways. she ended up really liking it which i'm happy about. later we made dinner with her. i didn't really help but i'm like never allowed TT i try to offer help but they always say there's nothing i can do TT i feel so mean TT
after dinner me and l watched scott pilgrim vs. the world. it's way better the second time and it was so nice to just cuddle and stuff and i almost fell asleep by the end :') after the movie things got a little ;) though. very nice!
(still a virgin).
lowkey would wanna go into detail just for the memories for future old me who might have a sucky memory but i am also in fact posting on the worldwide web! maybe time for a physical and private journal?
i had to wait agessssss for him to wake up the day after. he sleeps for so long. it's funny because it's not very different from how long i sleep for but when i sleep at other places than home i always wake up so early with a full energy bar.
on my way home the train was fucking with me again. i literally got onto the right train but it went the wrong direction? like it literally arrived from the right direction but went back the same way? HOW?
saturday was nice. me and my sister went to the plant store and i got two plants for my room and a pot for the bigger one. i was gonna pick up a sellpy package on the way home anyways and i'd get a pot for the smaller one then anyways. on the way back home we accidentally went on such a detour. i actually have no idea how to use that word? just gooogled it. omväg. vi gick en omväg.
the sellpy package was exciting. the shorts fit really well and they were even low waisted!!! so exciting!!! i got four rings: a mustache ring, a black heart ring, a pink heart ring and a small ring with emerald colored dots. i got a dan and phil poster. such a relic. i'm currently trying to press it straight so it'll actually stay on the wall. i got the pots. it was two in one, a big one that i used as a holder for my brush pens and a small one for the tiny plant i bought and it ended up fitting perfectly. i also got a little cow decor thingy that's supposed to hang on the side of a pot and it looked so cute on the pot i got at the plant store. i also got a vase of a swan. i thought it would be way smaller than it was, like... i literally thought it was an egg cup which is why i got it so i could use it as a little cup for trinkets but it was MASSIVE. my sister wanted it though thankfully!
my cousin came over in the evening and we had dinner. my sisters boyfriend had made mashed potatoes and meatballs. that might be my favorite food of all time. with brown sauce and lingonberry jam and peas and fried onion, UGH, so good. afterwards we played cluedo and had some drinks and then we played our little question game we do where we write down silly or deep questions on a piece of paper and then just draw them and everyone answers. it's so simple yet so fun.
today has been really nice so far. i've been in a really good mood. i put up some leftover kpop prints on my wall. even though i don't care too much for it anymore, it's still fun with less empty walls and honestly, putting those prints up and listening to kpop reawakened something within me. it was so nostalgic and i mean... minhyuk is still a gorgeous man.
i'm on my second coffee right now and i've been writing this entry for so long now. my sister and her boyfriend went to town and they had dinner so now i'm contemplating what to eat. they had max and them mentioning that is making me really crave max so i think i'll probably order myself some max.
i've actually been thinking about doing diary stuff more in real life as well because i've been feeling so inspired by life is strange. like, i think the little profiles max makes of people is such a cute idea but getting pictures of people would be difficult. i'd wanna write about everyone! like, just making a really detailed page about anyone, like a classmate or siblings partner or whatever. it seems like so much fun. i'd need a polaroid camera though or a printer of some sort. i wanna get a polaroid camera anyways so might as well start doing that once i have it. i just need to get my bullet journal here, it's still back home and those are way too expensive to just be buying new ones all the time. it's also so empty. polaroid cameras are so expensive too, like buying film all the time too. so much pressure getting good pictures but that's also kind of the charm, you only get one, maybe two, tries.
sotw: kent - saker man ser
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week one hundred and nineteen
honestly all i can think about is kissing l hehe!
sotw: mgmt - time to pretend
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week one hundred and eighteen
highlights!
didn't do my weekly grocery shopping on monday because i hung out with l instead. we started watching twilight and we watched the first two movies.
hung out with l again on wednesday, initially for thrifting but we ended up going to his place later and watched the third twilight movie.
had my first kiss hihi!
bought a life is strange bundle so i'm playing so much life is strange now and i love it.
slept at l's place friday to saturday and we watched the last two movies!
sotw: syd matters - obstacles
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week one hundred and seventeen
been meeting him lots!!! slept at his place and met his family now wahhhhh he met my sister as well the other day woahwoah.
sotw: pierce the veil - bulls in the bronx
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week one hundred and sixteen
went on three dates this week! we've been talking so comfortably now and joking around freely and grown more comfortable with touches and stuff and it's so nice. i really enjoy like the simple stuff like just standing really close while looking at something or him warming my hand when it's cold. the last date was so TT we like... sat super close in the middle of the mall. it was very much dead with only some people walking by every now and then but to those people we probably seemed super sappy. i loved it though. like just talking to him and being THAT close to his face when we'd turn to look at each other. hihihihi!
also... kind of soft-launched each other on bereal. my mom called me in the evening and asked a bunch about him and she was so excited about it.
also found danger days on cd at a second-hand store for 10 sek!
sotw: my chemical romance - vampire money
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week one hundred and fifteen
short entry but had another date with l on wednesday and it went so well! actually, we were both unsure whether it was a date or not but at least we met up and hung out for nine hours. we went to some second hand shops and then went for coffee and then we walked around a bunch of stores before ending our meet-up with dinner. it was so much fun and we have more... dates? meet-ups? planned. so excited to meet him again, i like him so much!
i also met up with m on saturday for kfc and frozen yoghurt! both were so good, LORD! we went to mall of scandinavia and i found the fall out boy shirt i had been looking for in h&m. they might've been h&mified but it was my favorite band and my favorite album as a cute 2000s baby tee... i had to. i also bought a coloring book and some brush pens and ive been having the best time coloring!
sotw: american football - uncomfortably numb
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week one hundred and fourteen
okay, to be honest, there's one very clear highlight of this week so i won't even bother talking about the other stuff. i didn't really do anything interesting anyways.
i went on my first date ever, not just with this guy but e v e r, with l. it was sm fun. it was kind of awkward in the beginning for sure and we did have like, more quiet moments but we both talked about it and like acknowledged that we're both a bit shy but will talk more once we're more comfortable around each other so we're allowing it to take a few meet-ups.
we met at a station one subway stop from mine and we got there pretty much the exact same time. we greeted with a hug and, oh my god, i didn't know how to act. we decided to go into town to go to some alternative shops but it was definitely a tad bit awkward in both of them.
we then went to a record store and i think that's when we started loosening up a little bit. we were there for an hour probably; just looking at records and talking about them. i thought he was so cute when he got so excited about a record and would talk a bunch about it. he got himself an american football vinyl. lp3 if i can recall correctly.
we then went to a sci-fi book store, or well, it's more of just like a nerdy store but yeah. we looked at nerd stuff and talked about board games and nerd stuff.
then we went to mcdonald's like the true romantics we are. he had mentioned going for food earlier but we decided quite late on what we'd actually get. mcdonald's was all good with me but i felt so embarrassed because i couldn't finish my food. i usually finish food with ease but i think i was just so nervous that i didn't necessarily have an appetite. i was also scared of ruining my lipstick.
then the tables turned.
we had planned to go for drinks. that was like the main event in a way because when i asked him out on a date, that was like The Event, BUT of course, i forgot my id. i was so embarrassed LAWWWD. i realized it once we had finished our food and the bar we we're supposed to go to was right next to the mcdonald's. i apologized a bunch and felt so AHHH but thankfully he was really sweet and kind about it and was all like "don't worry about it! it happens! it's fine!" we thought of some alternative solutions but ended up settling on going back to my place to pick up my id and then go back into town, just to another area closer to my place.
going back to my place was so not on my bucket list for that night. i didn't mind it but it did catch me my surprise in a way. when we we're going there i did warn him like: "you know, my sister and her boyfriend will be home so it's totally fine if you don't want to come inside but like if you want to come inside, that's fine with me as well. i don't mind!" and he ended being like "yeah, sure, i'll come inside!" so, he did. it was mostly awkward to me because i had told my sister and her boyfriend that i was meeting up with my friend, m, who is a woman, but when i get back to the apartment to get my id they are met with a bearded man. to be fair, he kind of stood in the nook of the door for the most part but he did come out and say hi. it was quite cute even though i was a bit like... woah.
we then went to catch the bus and decided to just go to the last stop which was a stop quite central and go and look for some bars in that area. we tried quite a few before finding the one we settled with because most of them were full. it was really loud in there so we struggled with that for a bit but it was all good. we compared hand sizes once it got quiet and stuff. it's all good. i bought him a cider and got a beer for myself and i felt so alpha hot woman. i also called bestie l in the bathroom when i went for a wee just to catch them up on the evening. it was fun.
i'll compile a little list of details that i thought we're cute!
whenever i'd press the button at the red lights and he'd be like "you're so good!" it doesn't translate well but it definitely has a flirty undertone in swedish. "duktig". i've mentioned this word before on here.
me confessing i started listening to kent because of him and him saying he thought so and confessed of having done the same thing before.
him telling me we should watch fight club at his place because i need to see it and he has it on dvd.
the cute and quite flirty glances we shared in the record store. maybe it was just me, i don't know, but i watched him INTENTLY when he talked about his albums. happy to have an excuse too stare at him.
we went home together for as long as we could before we had to split up. we hugged good bye on the train, hihi.
this morning my sister asked me about yesterday. i had been TERRIFIED of walking out of my room and being met by my fellow roommates because i was so scared they'd mention something about how there was a guy waving hi to them and not my friend, m. my sister casually asked me about what we did last night and like, just you know, regular questions and then she asked: "was the guy who was in here m's boyfriend?" and that was when i had to confess the entire thing, oh my god. i just stuttered a bit before going like "well, actually it was like... a date... i was just too scared to say i was going on one," and she chuckled about it and asked some stuff about him throughout the day and wondered about how it went and if we're meeting again and stuff, WHICH WE ARE! YIPPEEEE!!!
so, maybe it wasn't too bad.
sotw: my chemical romance - my way home is through you
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week one hundred and thirteen
okay, trying a new format which will be proper grammar but all lowercase. i'll see how it goes and how i'll like it.
this week's been A LOT. yet very exciting. i moved to stockholm on thursday. had to wake up at 3 am but surprisingly ended up falling asleep quite late. the flights were not great, i felt quite anxious on both of them but i took melatonin for both and ended up sleeping for most of them.
i've of course also been listening to lots of kent. i feel like such a poser walking around town with kent in my ears even if no one can hear and no one would care.
one thing about stockholm is that it's very humbling walking around town because literally everyone's hot. it's insane. like, people are so fashionable and fancy and conventionally attractive while i feel like i barely match their level in a full face and my best outfit on a good hair day. truly so humbling.
on friday i met up with m for food and drinks. we struggled finding each other first because of the friday after work rush hour but once we got to the restaurant/pub thingy, it was very empty although it filled up over the time we were there. it was a burger place and it was really good although i got one of those humiliating cough fits at one point and never truly relaxed afterwards.
afterwards we went to an irish pub and, oh my god, it was so epic! i'm so happy to have someone to go to irish pubs with. i love drinking guinness and listening to celtic music. it was also nice because once we got there we really started becoming more natural with our conversation. i did feel quite sick on my way home though which was not the greatest because the bus home was delayed quite a bit so i just ended up walking home and lowkey died.
anyways, on tuesday, earlier in the week before i had moved, i had my last hangout with l for a while. we had subway and then they were my emotional support for asking my talking stage l on a date. it was so... okay, spoiler, i am going on a date with him but i still want to tell you about the interaction because it was a bit silly.
me and l (my bff l, not talking stage l) are sitting in the hallway of my old school and discussing what i should say and how i should send it and stuff. so i'm planning every single message out word for word in my notes app. once i've received approval from my friend, i open snapchat and stare at the conversation for a tiny bit before starting to type the messages out. i wanted to type them out rather than copy pasting so it would still feel a bit more real (for myself) in a way. literally started off with a single "btwwww" and his bitmoji shows up immediately and i literally yell and my friend starts yelling too because we didn't expect him to see the messages in real time. he replies a few quick silly messages just copying me but in swedish and then since i haven't typed out my second message yet he's going "TYPE". it was funny but it was so weird because it almost felt as if he knew it was happening right there and then.
i continue with like "you know how i'm moving soon" "to stockholm" "and i'll become a stockholmare" and he's like "yeah, you'll become swaggy" and then i just type out the entire question and i'm freaking out but i just go as quickly as possible over the keys so it'll be over:
"so i was wondering if you maybe wanted to go on a silly little date?"
i added the shy fingers emoji combo and like a looking down kinda sad/desparate i don't know emoji and he replies with like the emoji with a salute emoji and the same shy fingers and then a second message saying "hell yes" WHICH WAS SO RELIEVING OH MY GOD LIKE I DID THINK IT WOULD BE CRAZY IF HE DENIED AFTER HAVING TALKED FOR THIS LONG SO I WAS EXPECTING IT BUT LIKE HEARING IT AND IT BEING SO ENTHUSIASTIC WAS SO NICE!
we planned to go for drinks next weekend and now we've decided on friday and i'm literally shitting myself every moment ever right now. i'm so nervous. I'VE NEVER BEEN ON A DATE NOR HAD LIKE A THING WITH SOMEONE AND ACTUALLY MET UP NOR KISSED SOMEONE OR LIKE DONE ANYTHING! I'M GOING TO EMBARRASS MYSELF SO BAD!
hoping the drinks will help me out! love y'all! i'm gonna die!
sotw: kent - beskyddaren
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week one hundred and twelve
this past week has been very chill and slow. i didn't meet any friends but i'm meeting c, i and l today to celebrate new year's eve!
yesterday i did also have a little dinner/game night at my dads place along w my siblings and their partners and it was a lot of fun. we played this quiz game thing called smart10 and we had to divide into teams bc we were so many so i teamed up w my sister and we won !! also omg my brother was being so ecstatic it was so funny. he gave so many fistbumps and handshakes to me and my sister whenever we queued good songs on the spotify jam and on the way home i almost cried bc he was being all affectionate and hugging me and telling me he'd miss me once i've moved :c like UGHHHHH this current time is so weird for me bc all of my family is becoming so affectionate and i really like it but it makes me so cryey. i'm so touch starved, hugs make me sob. UGHHHH LIKE IDK AND JUST UGHHHH EVERYONE'S ALSO JUST GETTING SO SINCERE AND SERIOUS LIKE TELLING ME THEY'LL MISS ME AND IT'S SO SAD!!!
GAAHHH i'm getting so annoyed when trying to figure out how to type nicely here like,,, cohesively. i usually for longer and more 'formal' texts go full proper grammar but i also kind of wanna keep the lowercase bc yk,,, it's still just tumblr and it looks cute imo and since it's meant to be like a diary thing i think a lot of shortened words come naturally so idk... is 2024 the year when i start typing like i'm writing an essay?
since i don't have a lot to say for now i'll do a little ins and outs for 2024 bc i saw someone do that and it seemed like a fun little thing!!
ins:
studying and giving school more attention now that i actually have the chance to.
finding new experiences more often!
volleyball!
continuing fighting my shyness and trying to get out there more in conversations.
becoming more comfortable around my sister and her boyfriend bc somehow i'm still so awkward bc i think i deep inside still just want to seem cool to my older sister :') this goes for my brother as well!
ACTUALLY HAVING STANDARDS, GOD!!!!!!! the talking stage w l is going so well rn and im hoping to ask him out now soon since im moving so yk hopefully i won't have to worry too much about talking to others bc he fits my standards so perfectly <3 such a relief to actually talk to someone who makes my belly fill with butterflies when i see their notif.
actually using my switch and playing more games in general outside of sims.
piercings and tattoos.
cocktails!
the smashing pumpkins!
actually practicing playing on all the instruments i own.
getting more creative with my blog entries!
outs:
ocd habits.
nail biting.
cheek biting.
getting my hair color to an awful point before freshening it up.
being awfully overbooked.
never taking pictures.
being insecure about different parts of my body.
sotw: kent - kevlarsjäl
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