#ive been miserable my entire life because of these people its so pathetic | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

iraliira · 10 months

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Life update

22/08/23

This past week has been better because my life is starting to fall back into place. Although its going slowly, its comforting to know that im doing better both mentally and physically.

This week i managed to prove to myself that im capable of fufilling my own promises to myself and im becoming better at self discipline. And the more i do it, the more i feel confident about myself. Real confidence. Because before i had fake confidence and by fake i mean i made myself believe i was confident but in reality i was lying to myself so that i dont have to face my own miserable reality.

Here are the things that im doing:

1. I began to workout, its been difficult at first and im not doing it concistently but its a start and i am trying my best. So far i managed to complete a whole workout which was a great accomplishment and i was proud of myself.

2. I decided to practice fasting. Im following a pattern where i eat for 12 hours and fast for 36 hours. I am following this pattern in order to get my measurements down to about 34-23/22-35. And so far i managed to complete a 36 hour fast and whilst i was fasting i realised that i dont get hungry easily and its just that i eat out of boredom.

Fasting has a lot of benefits and this is a short-term diet since i am not fat and just out of shape and during my 12 hour eating pattern i can eat anything i want. I DON’T HAVE AN EATING DISORDER and im also fasting for the other benefits such as: autophagy, cognitive performance and other amazing benefits. And i have fasted before so i know what im doing. If you want to learn more watch this video.

youtube

3. I decided to read a book a week. For a number of reasons: i want to spend less time on social media, i want to increase my knowledge, i want to widen my vocabulary, i want to speak properly because even though english is my first language, i cant speak because i keep tripping over my words and mid sentance my brain goes blank.

Other things that ive been doing:

im watching my comfort show One Tree Hill and im soo close to finishing the show which is making me sad because i dont want to finish it. The show is my absolute favourite thing in the entire world. The characters in the show are relatable in a lot of ways and this show taught me that being a teenager can be confusing but its also fun because im learning and going through a lot of change

Also the cast are soo fine

I mean…

Lucas scott (chad micheal murray) is soo fine

Anyways, back in June, i did my GCSES which if you don’t know is some standerdised exam every 15-16 year old does in the uk, and i get my results this week Thursday. And im not nervous about the actual exam results, im more worried about meeting everyone at school again and seeing my “friends” again. Which im planning on cutting them off and im really really scared about it because i hate confrontation. But im going to do it for myself and i dont want to live a lie anymore. Its exhausting. So im going to say to them that i dont want to be friends with them anymore.

I personaly am sick and tired of letting other people around me dictating my life and controlling the type of person i should be because thats my job. All my life ive been trying to please everyone and not myself. I also am a shy person (according to literally everyone around me) but i believe that im not and im sick of being “quiet” and “introverted” like i cant even set boundries or stand up for myself. WHICH IS SOOO PATHETIC. So that has to change because this type of behavior prevents me from achieving many things in my life.

And im not a little girl anymore and my parents arent always going to be with me so i need to grow up and act grown. I really hope i change and i believe that i can because this summer i went abroad for vacation and i spoke a lot of people so i can.

I really need to believe that im not who i used to be and if i want to have my desired futrure, i need to act like my desired self.

Well thats all i’ve been doing so far and im starting to like this new version of me.

Thank you, ira

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worldwar9 · 11 months

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‪i think havinf the realization that i am everything thats wrong with me is so saddening ive been so comfortable in my loneliness for my entire life to the point i push away people with my actions or words and its came to a point where im so tired of being‬ alone i love to think id be happier with more people in my life but at the same time i know i will get bad again and push them all away or they simply will not want to be around me anymore i know myself well enough that i have a tendency to project my miserableness to people‬ ‪that may care about me in some way i try not to get close to alot of people because of this thing i got going on but god i wish i could have more meaningful relationships i wish i wasn’t scared of myself and the things i do ‪because at the same time i wonder why when im at my lowest no one tries to be there for me and its like why would they? im nothing but a brick of a pathetic human and its like ppl will say im being to hard on myself but it’s literally the fucking truth‬

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ddarker-dreams · 4 years

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Online Love. Yan Shigaraki x Reader [Part 5]

Shigaraki has never had a full grasp on understanding others.

It’s never presented itself as an issue before, due to his unique lifestyle that doesn’t require him to rely upon others to the same extent most do. He doesn’t need to bend himself to the will of others. If anything, people need to mold themselves to his liking.

There’s no place for coquettish remarks and hidden agendas for the people around Shigaraki. He wouldn’t care for it, and they’d be cut off without a second thought.

So where do you fit into that?

He doesn’t know himself. The black and white relationships that stay in neat, understandable boxes for him are all but wrecked by your presence. Where his underlings bite their tongue and present themselves to his liking, you feel no obligation to do the same.

You live as you please, speaking to him as you please. The rules he’s used to don’t apply to you, you don’t even know they exist in the first place. If anyone acted as you did towards Shigaraki, they’d undoubtedly be killed for it.

There’s a fondness that’s reserved solely for you.

Even so, he can’t help but feel aggravated at how you’ve been treating him lately. The past three days have been a miserable stretch, his mood taking a turn for the worst. Not due to anything you’ve said to him, no, but because of the opposite.

You haven’t messaged him in seventy-two hours.

This has never happened before, in the entire time he has known you. In the past three days you’ve not logged onto any of your games, responded to his messages, or uploaded on social media. He’s aware of the fact that you’re physically fine -- a bit of stalking ensured that nothing had happened to you.

A part of him almost wishes that was the case, so he could make sense of it. It would be undoubtedly easier to digest the situation, and he could get you out of the situation with ease.

But the aspect of the unknown is what troubles him the most. His mind wonders pathetically, grasping at any straws to make sense of why you’ve been living your life normally; just without him.

Staring at his monitor in the dim light of his room, Shigaraki grimaces at the blinking cursor in front of him. Coarse fingers hover over the keyboard, wanting so desperately to seek you out; but unsure of how to go about it. He wants to demand an explanation.

Were you really able to live your life peacefully without him? Did Shigaraki delude himself of the symbiotic relationship he once believed you two shared?

His teeth ache from the hours spent grinding together, neck raw from constant scratching. Sleep has all but evaded him, as he spent hours painfully waiting for you to come back to him. For things to go back into the routine he was used to.

Your absence serves as a reminder of how much he needs you.

Narrowing his bloodshot eyes, he abruptly stands from his trash covered desk and stalks over towards the door. How dare you ignore him, how dare you treat him like this! Did he mean nothing to you all along? Have you just been waiting for the chance to cut him off, having been secretly disgusted by him all along?

Fury masks over any secret feelings of hurt, Shigaraki intent on demanding Kurogiri to warp him over to you. He’d get an explanation one way or another. Even if he had to pry it from you. Staying idle any longer would surely be the death of him.

Before he opens the door, he hears the custom alert. The one that he had set for you, so he could always know when you were messaging him.

Shigaraki’s mind goes blank as he goes back over to his computer. He wonders if it was imagined, only to be disproved by a message from you on his screen.

From: [First] 2:06 AM

hello tomo-kun

That... that’s it? Mouth slightly agape from confusion, Shigaraki’s mind races with countless responses. Ranging from cruel words directed at you for ignoring him for so long, to inquiring about what even caused it in the first place. But none of them are typed out as he delivers an equally mundane response.

To: [First] 2:06 AM

Hey

Anyone else would’ve been facing the wrath of hell right now, but Shigaraki manages to contain himself. Knowing that you haven’t forgotten about him or discarded him was enough to momentarily distract him from his previous rage. Biting his finger nails that were already short from countless hours of similar activity, he awaits your response.

From: [First] 2:10 AM

i’m sorry that i haven’t been around...

From: [First] 2:11 AM

i’ve been having kinda a bad time lately with some stuff. but if it’s okay with you can we play some comp? i kinda just wanna take my mind off it. if you’re not busy that is

It isn’t concern that he feels, but an undying curiosity. If something major had happened to you, like a death of a loved one, he would’ve known about it by now. What could’ve happened that upset you this much that he wasn’t alerted about?

Shigaraki silently ponders to himself. Maybe he needs better scouts.

To: [First] 2:12 AM

Whatever you want, idm

An immediate response.

From: [First] 2:12 AM

thank u, i appreciate it

From: [First] 2:13 AM

aaa i feel so dumb. im sorry im sure i worried you. i just havent been in the mood to talk to anyone. its nothing like crazy or anything im fine, just some life stuff

Shigaraki’s never been the best at comforting people, as it’s a task that he’s never been given. He can barely take care of himself, much less anyone else. But in situations like this, he feels you’re supposed to offer something. Only for you would he stretch himself in this way.

To: [First] 2:15 AM

What happened

It might seem like a lackluster response, but to anyone who knows Shigaraki it would come as a surprise. People’s personal affairs have never interested him in the slightest, but you’re a unique case.

From: [First] 2:16 AM

wellllll its kinda stupid but ig it doesnt hurt to tell you lmao

From: [First] 2:17 AM

ive... ive had a crush on this guy for a long time. we’ve known one another for a few years, stuff like that. anyways i worked up the courage to ask him out and he got upset at me. saying stuff like im ruining our friendship. it was just really bad, and ever since then ive been on auto pilot

The word crush hits him like a ton of bricks. He’s incapable of focusing on anything else in that moment, as time all but comes to a stop. His breathing uneven, and hands shaky; he sits back from the light of his screen. Disgust isn’t the right word for it, it doesn’t begin to describe the barrage of emotions he’s experiencing.

You liked someone. You liked someone that isn’t him.

Even if he actually wanted to, he couldn’t fake a decent response to your message. All along he’s been under the impression that you may return his feelings. That all the little gestures meant you treasure him on the same level he does you, and that you would one day be his.

Hours spent daydreaming of you sweetly confessing to him come to mind, as his vision goes red.

It doesn’t matter how. He’s going to find out who this cesspool of human waste is, he’s going to savor tearing each limb from their body and take pleasure in his screams of agony. Shigaraki will take care of this individual personally, wanting them to suffer in the same way he has.

There isn’t any way you could like someone else. This all has to be a joke, a cruel prank with an eventual punchline. There’s no other way to make sense of it. No one else could be even remotely deserving of your affections other than him, and no one will ever have them if he could do anything about it.

He will figure out what to do with you and your betrayal later. For now, only this apple of your eye has his attention. Countless cruel ideas flood his thoughts like a tidal wave, a malicious grin breaking out onto his face.

Shigaraki will make them pay.

#shigaraki tomura #tomura shiragaki #tomura shigaraki #shigaraki tomura imagine #tomura x reader #yandere #yandere x reader #yandere imagine #bnha #bnha imagines #bnha imagine #bnha x reader #yandere bnha #my hero academia #my hero academia imagine #yandere my hero academia #my stuff

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transdib · 3 years

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i hate being vulnerable on here and just yelling into the void but ive continuously had to learn to swallow my emotions and move on, and i can see the cracks breaking in my soul, how suppressed i feel.

and every single time i do express myself, i feel like i get immediately dished a dose of cbt/ways to feel differently or acknowledgement that i actually have it a lot better than others, instead of acknowledgement of what im going through is a real and valid emotion. and its in small ways, but god, it picks at me like a scab, until i bleed over and over and then the scab just slowly stops forming over and settles as a permnant scar or abrasion. literally whats happened on parts of my face lmao.

for years i thought i was self reflective and accountable, which i already felt guilty over feeling, but now i feel ive been stripped down to the bone, where a lot of my “self reflection” was really self-gaslighting, self-doubt, self-blame, self-punishment, usually from feeling an emotion. i do it to myself so much that when someone comes to me with a small issue, which i take on board of course (a bit too much honestly), but it validates my default self-punishing mind that i deserve to continue to do that.

as silly as it sounds, i dont even drink or smoke or starve because that would draw attention to myself. i dont even do nice things for myself like present in the way that i want. i am comfortable with blending in, remaining a small personality, because to do anything otherwise is to draw attention to me. and thats bad.

my therapist said she feels i value life, which is why i dont do any life-damaging behaviours to myself. but i think about that, i do partially agree, but i also feel like im caught in a web of “i know life will get better, one day im going to be happier, even though right now i am disgusting and pathetic and miserable and abusive and dont deserve anything” but i also feel like a lot of the taking care of myself really falls back on a) not wanting to draw attention to myself (being analysed, talked about, perceived, concerned for, i need to just “get on with it”) and b)not being able to be the best for others. i know even without all that stuff im still broken, (as silly as it sounds) i had carer-related trauma in 2019/2020, but i still habitually put myself in the peacemaker/diffuser/carer situation. all of my current behaviours, feelings, situation, it all feels very unnatrual. my demeanor that ive carried with me my entire life, the passive, small, cumbersome person is so ingrained within me, but thats not me. and it shows through the cracks when i get excited, but then i immediately feel guilty over being excited, and have strongnly punished myself since a young teenager to recede back to being a blank slate.

i feel like a protagonist in a book, but in a bad way, where i am a blank slate that just reacts to whats around me, not forming any strong characteristics, surrounded by the rest of the cast that have somethign unique about them and are stronger, better written characters.

and the constant welling in my chest. the constant habitually not talking about my emotions because im too complicated, probably manipulative by even talking about myself, the constant on guard.

my therapist said that a lot of what i do is out of a place of fear, and that i need to start doing things out of empowerment. but when i do that, it gets shat back in my face, and maybe i am still required to be in fight flight mode, still in fear mode.

i feel unfixable. i feel like im the sole reason for all the problems im facing. i keep cycling with having an emotion, talking myself down in a self-depreacting way, convince myself its not justified (and i can never figure out if it is or not) and then just. bottle it back down. cuz its obvious im the bad person for feeling upset at someones shitty actions to begin with.

i cant even talk to my friends. despite feeling on the brink of crisis. i get scarder and scarder every day that im going to have a repeat of my psychotic episode, which was one of the scariest things i have experienced about myself, and i cant even tell people im scared. im meant to be a lot stronger. more durable. better. im meant to get well.

#life of doge #negative -#idk what to tag this as #its pretty negative idk

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distress · 7 years

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my meds have finally started being good for me and i’m so glad

i forgot how good it feels to not be plagued by suicidal thoughts constantly

i could cry thinking about it. june-september was the worst time of my life with my depression, entirely. and it’s the longest i’ve ever been so horribly depressed that i become suicidal, clingy, and understandably pathetic.

it feels so good to be going to work and not be miserable the whole time

it feels god to be sad in a normal way. things make me sad still, a lot, but they don’t make me want to die

october wasn’t the best but i’m happy to say it was entirely a month of healing. it went by so fast and i spent the whole time being good to myself and being more gentle to myself.

i cut my abuser out of my life again. cruelly, sure. i yelled at him. i ranted at him about how abusive he is. and i was told later that he was crying about it. but... that’s fine. he should be. he doesn’t understand how him gaslighting me brought it all back. i’ve given him way too many chances to act differently in our friendship. it’s his fault for being a fucking idiot. he can cry and cry and cry and feel sorry for himself all he wants. i don’t care. he deserves it. he deserves it for saying the same bullshit to me a thousand times without learning.

i’ve been feeling guilty the past few days. really, really guilty. but to be honest, i think it’s only because my abuser told his best friend/my only other friend here all about it despite knowing he’s my friend. its a complicated situation. i felt guilty only once i learned he cried and once i learned my friend knew everything i said. my friend told me he knows the abuse was real but something still felt not right about it. and this guy hasn’t treated me that well either. nothing near abuse, don’t get me wrong. but he hasn’t treated me well.

he told me friendship needs compromise on both sides... but i’ve been compromising this entire fucking time with him. and i’m tired of it. i was compromising for months until i finally told him i couldnt take how he wouldnt compromise at all for me. how it felt like even seeing me in the first place was a compromise

i need to let go of these two people who are fucking torturing my soul. i need to move on with my life, finally. i’ve wasted way too much time. way too much. i put up with it because they’ve been all ive had in person. i’ve been so lonely since moving here. and that’s made me weak. if i was still in florida, there’s no way i’d be putting up with my abuser. and there’s no way i’d be putting up with this other guy. no fucking way.

i know it doesn’t have to be so hard. it’s never been so hard with anyone but them. never. nothings ever been so hard and they make me feel like it should be. like it has to be

it doesnt

#tw abuse #healing #tw sui

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heijze-remade · 7 years

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you: nuz ily me: you are the most toxic person ive ever come across on this website you have so much hate and anger in you in your life you clearly must feel so small you have to take it out on others on here sending death threats to people who dont agree with you and when they defend themselves you claim to be the victim in all of this you really need some help because it will just manifest into something more sinister in real life this will fall on deaf ears and probably boost your already inf

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

#jdyukrdhnyjeed #im saving your copypasta for later #inbox

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fakeboitherottengirl · 4 years

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Suicidal Rantings Trigger Warning

I cant keep living like this. I dont like anything. I dont enjoy anything sober. Music sounds like shit, movies are boring, art is frustrating and my head is constantly screaming. The only reason i havn’t tried to kill myself is that im afraid to fuck it up and wind up busted or retarded but its to the point I hardly care anymore. Weed is the only thing I enjoy and even that isnt fun like it used to be, it just makes things im supposed to enjoy tolerable. I dont want to go back to the hospital and do coloring pages and shit behind a curtain. It does nothing in the long run. Nothing has. Even Elma is frustrated with me because im stuck and ive been stuck for years going in loops because it is the world that is stuck, not me, and im not stupid enough into being tricked into thinking otherwise. Because thats what it all is, its a trap to trick you into being okay when things are NOT okay and accepting shit thats unacceptable and if the world didn’t play out like I wanted it to then Im not going to be part of it. I dont want to be here and I don’t want to do this. Im miserable because im not working and once i start working ill be miserable that I am, and it makes me want to kill kill kill kill because capitalism is making me feel this way and setting a standard i dont measure up to and if I cant be one of the people that wins then I don’t want to exist. I failed DBT and im not even mad because DBT is fucking stupid and i dont want to learn how to eat shit with a smile. I want to get hooked on heroin or something so I can at least feel good for a few months before it kills me and then I didnt kill myself and its no my fault and ill get to be part of the big scary opiate epidemic and people will use me as the face of some poor retarded girl with a big heart who got pulled into it or some other sympathetic martyr figure. I want to kill people im so mad all the time but who could I kill that would make it worth the consequences? Maybe I wont kill myself just so I can make sure i kill somebody else who deserves it first. My brain feels like it is burning. Nothing got better or is ever getting better. We have less money than ever, not more like we are supposed to over time. We are never going to have real grown-up lives because our entire generation is lost and lied to and fucked over. We are just as broke as my friends who didnt work for degrees. Weve been cheated every step of my existence and im done being cheated im done being exploited and even more important im done seeing the people I love cheated and exploited. 30 years ago we would have had a house and I could stay at home with 2.5 children and a white fence. We put the work in for no return. Every win comes with a miserable setback. I contribute nothing and consume everything and as long as im alive ill just be this hole that I try to throw things down to fill it but it never gets filled. Im a bratty selfish cunt and I don’t want to live because I can’t afford to smoke what i want. Ive been cheating all this time. I take it from my dad during the week or smoke dry resin. The last day I tried to get through sober was the monday I went to the hospital. If I had my own money id take up drinking and maybe just die from that but im watching dad do it and it takes too long. Im not even really sure I get high anymore but I guess I do because I cant like anything without it. But I hate everything, and capitalism is putting up a paywall between me and happiness again. I dont want to cut back for my health, i have to cut back because we cant afford it, so theres another thing capitalism stole from me.

I don’t want to go back to the hospital. I get the afterglow of being praised for doing simple shit like putting my tray away or coloring my page quietly or reading and then as soon as im back in the real world im reminded of what a failure I am. Im thinking of taking all my pills but Im afraid that they will just take them away if I fuck it up. I want to hang myself maybe but I dont want brain damage if i survive. I looked up all the ways to kill yourself and none of them are sure and most of them hurt and they all suck if you live. But Im going to soon, I have to because if I keep getting older it won’t be tragic it will just be pathetic. Dead grown-ups don’t make the news or get candle light vigils or become cult martyrs.

I see madi and she is my age and in a year or two shell be older than me but its not true and ill never be 16 again. Im not 16 anymore, and ive overshot it so far that im rotting. Im like Chester Benningfield, I overshot my own life and now all I am is washed-up and nothing I do will be impressive or meaningful again until Im dead.

I didn’t make it. The life I was supposed to have didn’t happen. I can’t let myself live until April or Ill be older than the whole 27 club who had their whole lives and all the success in the world while they were still young and good-looking and got to be celebrities and its worth nothing its worth less than nothing to outlive them if they lived a whole life of success and carer by my age. All the celebrities coming up are younger than me. There are people my age who have published books. Im not young anymore and ill never be young and famous ill never get to be a prodigy ill never get to be a hip young celebrity and anything I might ever accomplish gets less and less impressive with every passing day. I don’t want to do this anymore. My life is already over. All that will happen is I will get older and uglier and more and more pathetic and even if I accomplish something it will be worthless. The lady who wrote “twilight” didnt get the same press as the kid who wrote the script for “KIDS” because she was old even though she sold mor copies, she didnt go on talk shows and get told she was cute and charming and special and had accomplished something revolutionary or even unique. I failed as an actor and I failed as a singer and I failed as a student and now im failing as a writer. I feel like im just procrastinating death and the longer I put it off, the less it will mean when I die. Im so old that if I killed myself today, my death wouldnt even make News 12 like it would have if I were a teenager. Even if I make it as a writer, Ill just be some fat retard who is good at a job because that will be the minimum expected of me by then and I bet I wont even get that far.

People had whole lives and careers over at my age and will be remembered forever as hot and young and some bright star that burned out too soon and Im LESS successful that I even was at 16. All ive been my whole life is cheated and lied to and ive tried to play the game and Im not winning so I dont want to play anymore and have to watch other people win. Im not going to kill myself right now because my parents are home so I couldnt even try but I think I might kill myself soon. This world isnt fair and im not having a good time and I don’t want to keep doing this. Everything i say feels manipulative. I just wish i never existed in the first place so i wont have to die.

#suicide tw #suicide mention

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