#ive been looking for a job for over a year

[moonlume]

tumblr said draw something bad so I did but I'm mad I still didn't feel anything

#man i started tagging this and i cant even bring myself to do it. hashtag art hashtag illustration hashtag capitalism. #sorry to be sadposting... tumblr is the only place i can admit ive actually been really really struggling with my love for art... #i should be grateful. i should be thankful for the fact that i can do art as my job. i shouldnt be whining about it like this. #but theres a hole in my soul where my joy for creating used to be and i dont know how to fix it. i want to love to draw again. #its been like this for probably over a year now and i dont know what to do. i cant abandon everything ive been working on for 7 years. #im also unemployable. so its not like i would dare to quit moonlume...but i just want to find joy in it again... #but capitalism has dug its wretched claws into my skull so badly that everything has been feeling incredibly soulless. i hate it. #anyway. might delete this later. its unprofessional but this is the one website where i can let go of professionalism for 5min and be human. #i dont hate what i do and i really am thankful..i just i wish i wasnt so stressed about making everything look good and perfect and sellable #but at this point its subconsciously connected to my survival that every time i think about drawing i stress myself out before i even start #ugh idk. neither here nor there. cant quit but dont feel connected to my work but cant change what i do or i will alienate my audience 👍

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

sometimes ya just gotta scribble your favorite character giving you words of encouragement. even if that favorite is a guy from your own brain

#shoutout to my Specialest Boy he always has my back #hes not a real person but he's got me!!! he always does! #he's been Getting Me Through It since eighth fucking grade! #whether its nice words or a mental slap and a Do It Scared #setting him as my home screen for extra Courage on this scary day #(have to apply for a job in person somewhere ive never been) #if i feel too nervous i can open my phone and look at his smiling face! #there is a gay ace gender-nonconforming man on my phone and he's 50% of my emotional support #IF HE DID ALL OF THOSE TERRIBLE THINGS SCARED THEN! THEN I CAN APPLY FOR A JOB! #said through gritted teeth and with panicked breathing #i really gotta work on that Do It For Him board... #absolutely unprompted #if i get this done he'd be proud of me and that's all i need #gazing at him lovingly. someday ill pay him back #i have years to puzzle out how i want to put him out into the world #since i highly doubt ill ever manage to get into tv business and make my own animated show #childish dreams! but they soothe me at night #man i just want him to be loved... OKAY IM GETTING EMOTIONAL time to cut myself off tags over

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

.

#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work #blocked it all out #my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer #breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries #they just diagnosed her two weeks ago #so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends #because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well #but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work #on top of my fulltime #which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it #but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this #for the coming four months at least #so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT. #i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes #then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe? #which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week #which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc #i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer #came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry #but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat #bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.” #“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.” #and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually #but seeing her anger made me see my own anger #and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic #i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more #so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise #doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal #and i am not joking #so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back

[crystalis]

i feel sad about not belonging anywhere and being small/invisible and like.. idk who i am

i feel really regretful of my life but idk what to do or how to change anything

or i mean i know what i need to do but i feel like i cant or im too scared .. and lately ive been frustrated with myself bc ive been experiencing that "trapped inside my head" feeling really intensely where idk how to speak to articulate thoughts and it feels painful

#ive been thinking a lot about getting a job i want a job so so so so bad but im so fuckig scared i seriously cant even describe how afraid #i feel like my social anxiety has gotten so bad over the past several years to the point that its unrecoverable ajd i need to #kill myself #i feel that way about everything wrong with me #ive just been stagnant for too long and its festered to a point of no returning #and like the worst thing about this is feeling like im on a time limit bc i need dental implants. #ive been wearing dentures for like 5 years now and already experienced a lot of bone loss in my face #i have to get dental implants for too much time passes without teeth but i need a lot of money for that i and i need to get a job to hav mo #ney but i cant get ajob because im too scared and incompetent #dude i want to kill myself so bad its unreal but i wont bc i couldnt do that to my mom #and i want to live.. because i like looking at beautiful things and listening to music and #talking to myself and imagining things #idk i wish i could cry or something but cant cry about anything

[songofsaraneth]

i am FUCKING pissed about the feral cat situation yet again

#killed the fledgling bird ive been happily watching be nurtured by its parents over the last few weeks #and which had just started out trying small flights on its own #i guess technically i managed to chase the cat off before it finished the job but the baby is almost certainly going to die #almost all the feathers on the back half of its body were ripped out and it had a large bleeding gash down its back #if the wound isnt fatal the bacteria from the cat teeth and claws will be and it got out of sight so i cant even find/help it #i hate it!!!!! i hate it that a group of 'animal lovers' can just decide the rest of the cities wildlife doesnt matter and deserve to die #just because they get sad 100 cats a year or whatever were humanely put down in shelters #first nubfoot my beloved one footed dove and now the baby :((((( #ive tried trapping ive tried deterrant sprays ive tried plants they dont like the smell of ive tried chasing it off every time i see it #nothing works!!!!! it does not care. and no it cannot be taken to a shelter. they just dump them back where they were collected #thats how TNR works. makes it everyones problem and lets the cats die miserably of heat exhaustion at 115º in june instead #bc apparently thats the nicer thing to do i guess #anyway keep your FUCKING cats inside #not sure if it also got one of the parents :(((((( have only seen one dove kind of looking around trying to find its family #:((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

[bigcats-birds-and-books]

*don't go to grad school out of spite, don't go to grad school out of spite, do NOT go to GRAD SCHOOL out of SPITE!!!*

#text #personal #grad school #char don't look #anyway not me being a spite and caffeine fueled being #anyway i mentioned i was trying to bully a friend into finishing his dissertation revisions to one of the PhD's i work with #said phd was like 'oh i can tell youve never been to grad school' #and im over here like i havent but i COULD #and i know i COULD i just dont know what i WANT #AAAND it bothers me when people bring up finishing dissertation vs how long its taken me to finish this gotdamn book revision #which #hnngh #BUT ALSO DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA HOW MANY BOOKS I HAVE WRITTEN IN THE PAST 8 YEARS!!!!!! #i always blank on that when people give me shit about it #i gotta quit blanking :( #plus its not like being a writer has been my only job for those eight years #(like my friend was A Grad Student for all that time) #ive written books WHILE participating in capitalism full time #this one in particular is so slow because of my fucking god awful living situation #im Upset lmao

[miamicommune]

back in bed

#life is horrendous #have been considering suicide a lot more lately. thought it was over but no. i feel simultaneously purposeless and incapable of everything. #everything is so difficult and sad and all my loved ones are so far away and i can't find a job that wouldn't push me over the edge #and everything worth living for is over a month away #im not even excited for christmas #which like. idk. usually makes me feel something. #i attempted suicide just prior to last december and i still managed to be excited for christmas #everything feels worthless and i don't trust things to go well anymore. i don't trust things to stay good. #arguably this is the best things have been for me in over a year. and look at me. ive spent ⅘ of the past 24 hours in bed. i want to die.

[pepprs]

#to translate this post: someone liked this post i made (on the upper left) on AUGUST 28 having a moment of self awareness that i was running #away from my whole life and not moving or learni ng to drive or anything. it is now march 8. it has been almost 7 months. and i have made #basically zero progress. and there is nothing stopping me but me. i could read the drivers manual and whatever whenever i want. but i am not #doing anything. and i don’t know how to get myself to start. #purrs #i know it’s a cop out excuse but i truly do think it’s covid. i think being in lockdown for a year and a half made me just let go of any #sense of progress. made me scared to take steps forward. and i mean i did bc i lived on campus for a while after that but it’s like.. EVERY #part of my life is stagnant rn it seems. and it’s not just me it’s my siblings too. we’re all getting older but none of us is trying to move #out or gain our independence in any way and my brother isn’t even looking for jobs even though he needs one. we’re all just getting older #but we’ve lost (or maybe had knocked out of us by covid and our mom being so strict) any sense of moving ipward and spreading our wings. #forgotten we have wings at all. and ive done important things like going on a house tour or traveling with my besties (<3). but i have only #made it to page 8 of the drivers manual and i truly do not want to read the rest of it. i have only been on one house tour and im longing to #move out but how much am i really because i can’t bring myself to schedule another tour and start searching for a new home in earnest. #i just come home every day UTTERLY exhausted and spend all my free time trying to process or rest. and im not making room for myself to use #my wings. and it’s truly terrible. why are we all okay with living like this. my younger self would be HORRIFIED if she saw how much i had a #atrophied since graduating and moving back home. my brighton self would be HORRIFIED. i told myself i wouldn’t and then it’s exactly what i #did. and ik im being harsh and ive spread my wings in some important ways during this time but… these are so obvious. such low hanging #fruit in some ways. bc any 16 year old can take this test and pass it so why can’t i at 24? why won’t i let myself? dont i want a nice cozy #home i make my own where i can eat what i want and sleep when i want and have control over sounds? then why am i not running for it? #delete later #i am wasting my youth i am wasting my youth i am wasting my youth 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 my one precious life 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 #also LMFAOOOOO the next tag on that aug 28 post was that i need to get a new campus id card… guess who hasn’t done that either ♥️

[izzy-b-hands]

im sitting here, first edible of the day kicking in, and i just realised i haven't been yelled at for picking my lips in months. im safe here, i can stim like that and Housemate doesn't care and that's

really really lovely. wish I'd realised it sooner!

#text post #i mean should i be picking the skin off my lips NO but #it's a stim ive been doing since i was four years old with multiple tries over the years to stop doing it #sometimes bribed with prizes by family or teachers other times punished and my hand slapped or #made to hold a tissue there if my lip bled (tissues are major BAD TEXTURE for me so that was torture. nearly made me sick once or twice) #and none of it ever worked so like. maybe this is just one of those unfortunately gross things i do #i try to keep it to when im alone or at home only now at least so the worst coworkers used to do was comment my lips looked bad #like thanks could you try doing your job instead of making unasked for comments? no? cool I'll do your work and mine #and you wax on about how it doesn't matter that sometimes lip makeup is a bad feel for me i just haven't found the right chapstick or lippy #that would make me stop but ooh they've always a brand recommendation on hand too! #bless their dumb asses bc they meant well but my lips and i are just gonna keep bleeding over here for now #tw skin picking #if y'all need any addt'l trigger tags msg and ill add asap!

[crystalkitty1220]

Might have to scrap a fic idea because I thought the panic that came with time moving too slowly or too quickly was a universal thing, but now I'm realizing I probably have chronophobia and the fic might not feel the same to other people. Don't want it to drag on or feel rushed if readers won't get the same kind of anxiety the character's getting.

#it was a camp camp jasper fic centered around the whole ''ghosts walk the island on the night of the full moon'' line #*new moon #in the fic jasper would *only* be there during the new moon #he wouldn't notice it at first but when he saw the seasons change to winter he'd start to realize that camp's been over for months #and what would only be maybe a year for him would be all the way up to the canon present for everyone else #actually now that ive done more research into the fer.al blood tundra lore #if i ever continue the fic i might rewrite it for ende instead since there's a lot more canon backing behind that #of course it wouldn't have the same plot points. so maybe two different fics? #the camp camp one more centered on jasper the possibly vengeful ghost. and a fer.al one centered around time. #. noticing the connections to fer.al im starting to wonder if that was subconsciously my inspiration for the cc one #but i don't even think i ever got that interested in the lore until very recently. after starting the fic. #im pretty sure my inspiration was just being very scared of the irene dimension from minecraft diaries #cause i had a whole conversation with echos about how i thought being in a dimension where time moves slower than the outside world #was a lot scarier than being stuck in a dimension where time moves faster than the outside world #using the irene dimension as my only example. #anyway it is 3 am and i am writing this to stop stressing about how my mom gave me one two days to #apply for and get my first job completely on my own without any help. #instead i spent the whole day trying to avoid That but unfortunately there is no way to avoid a deadline #so looks like i remain without a job. yay.

[carryonmylovelies]

omg hey hotties 😭😭 im back !

#sooooooooooooo anyways not me dropping off the face of the earth for like the entire summer vwkqmqjdhsowjwjwjenkwhwk #just had to die for a little bit u know....disappear into the abyss and all that #pls look away from all the shit im abt to throw into these tags 😁 unless u want 2 read my cringe oversharing essay for the day 👍 #my summer was so silly 😍 ummmmm lets see i lost my fulltime job at the daycare bc the owner very rightfully decided to retire and close #so i was unemployed for the whole summer except for my occasional side jobs and also had to move bc of family shit #so im living w my grandma for the time being and its utterly amazing tbh my grandma and i have a really strong bond and relationship #and i really love getting to come home and see her every day. i decorated her house for halloween a week ago 🎃🎃🎃 #and she couldnt stop talking abt how nice everything looked and how glad she was to have me there and i just abt broke down 😭😭😭 #i did a complete fucking 180 jobwise im actually training to be a certified fire alarm inspector now LMFAO #i really really like it so far and have like a million stories already abt all the shit ive done/seen so far #im the only girl looking son of a bitch thats working and training in the field out of my entire region of the company so 🤪 #literally shoved my dykey nb ass in there and now im fucking it up with the boys heyoooooo #ummm me and one of my best friends started dating bc of a miscommunication (BC OFC WE DID I KNOW I KNOW ITS SO MF GAY) #and our 4 mo anniversary will be on halloween which i think is the swaggiest fag shit in the whole WORLLLDDDDDDDD 😫🎃🖤🧡 #my very beloved pet rabbit of over 8 years died quite unexpectedly in august and i was. doing pretty bad for awhile which sucked so so hard #he had multiple health issues and was over 10 yrs old so its hard to say what exactly happened. my gf and gma both pulled me thru that shit #and my besties gave me so much support and love idek what i would have done w/o them. i miss my baby so bad. #ive also had some health issues which sucks absolute BALLS #and recently figured out that the migraine/anti depressant meds ive been on for the last THREE MF YEARS have been fucking up my body lmao #but on the flipside going back 2 the positives i got to have some really incredible experiences/interactions in the past few months #and those were really huge in helping me get my shit together again #i got to take my girlboygirlfriend on little daytrips throughout the summer. i got a second tat🕷🕸❣️ (which my gf designed 😫) #i met girl queen pussy slay miss felicia day AND met the sexiest creature alive harvey guillen and he told me he liked my hair #which im still super duper normal over i can assure u 😁👍 definitely didnt alter my brain chemistry or anything #i saw gods greatest and most valuable gift to this planet on monday (mcr concert) #and had my entire mind body heart and soul so thouroughly fucked up that im still peeing my goddamn pants over it #and of course now its october :) my rotting flesh and sickened brain knows peace once more #bouta go eat up some drawtober posts right the fuck now so prepare yourselves 👁👁 also gonna be making a post on the coc blog soon as well #its already that time of year again mwhahahahahahahahahaha #so yeah 😋 my summer was goofy and silly as hell. i hope u all have been doing okay and im so happy 2 be back pls hmu if u wanna chat !!!

[cultexposed]

Dash making me laugh, being a bigger person isn't bullying someone a few years ago simply bc their character also investigated paranormal stuff, bullying them out of fandoms, gaslighting them, and trying to gatekeep original characters.

#drama tw #ooc posts #im honestly dying rn #quin and i are reliving when we mad mal and vin and how i got anon hate #over picking a common tattoo design and having mal look into the paranormal #im on my ass #ive been right for years and was gaslit #i actually can not breathe this is so funny #if i tried to leave things behind #u did a bad job doing the same stuff #vauge tw

[willowfey]

.

#i am not doing well girlies #disclaimers that i am fine i'm always fine i will always be fine but hooo boy i do not feel fine lol #everything is always overwhelming i am always sad everything feels itchy #every single morning for weeks ive woken up with an anxiety bellyache and no matter how tired i am still i just have to get up #everyone i look up that i used to know is like. married and having babies or working their dream jobs and i just. im happy for them. i am #but where do i belong in all of this? #i know everything feels worse lately bc we're moving house and the routine changes and empty rooms feel Bad #plus my mom has not been doing well mentally which i feed off so it's just. you know #but will i ever Not feel like im so far behind? will i ever Not be deeply unsettled by even the mildest changes? #everything is so slow and so fast at the same time and it makes my head spin and we have a new friend who has a son my age and i was hoping #idk. that he'd be somewhat similar to me? falling behind a little bit too? maybe i could make a friend irl that understood a little? #but then i casually ask about him and oh no ofc he has a partner and family of his own etc etc #right. that's what i'm supposed to be doing at this age.ha #so many ppl i went to school with are married now. im turning the age this year that my mother was when she HAD me #meanwhile ive never even kissed anyone never even held a boy's hand never had any attention like that ever and #i wonder so often what it's like to be wanted by someone but ive never felt more undesirable #i cant imagine anyone looking at me and Wanting me. and at this point as romance obsessed as i am idk if i could even handle it #and the other night i was having anxiety dreams over the fact that i rly want kids but even waiting until im 30 thats only 5 years?? #and 30 is already fucking five years away from being considered a GERIATRIC pregnancy?? but im not even done being a kid myself!!!! #and also who the fuck is gonna have a kid with me?? and who knows if i can even get pregnant when i rarely have a period ?? #and i cant imagine not liiving with my mom and sister but does that mean i'll live with them forever?? #will i be 30 35 40 45 still feeling like a kid? or worse.. will i not feel like myself at all? #will i be married to someone i dont love madly simply bc im so terrified to be alone? #or will i hold so tightly to my stories and fantasies that i will be alone bc nothing could ever live up to them? #will it even matter what i want? will anyone ever want me to even give me the option? or will this all stay hypothetical forever #im just. stressed. and i thought i'd be more by now.

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

my favourite thing in the world is when you get a letter from the government accusing you of essentially being fraudulent when youre not, so you send an email to the email listed on the letter that explains how it isnt fraud and you attach documents to prove it, and then months later they send another letter saying you did not reply to the last letters (they only sent the one) and as such you are subject to a penalty of £125 and oops if you dont pay today, it goes up by £50, and thats just not an amount of money most people have handy to pay off false fraudulent claims. so this time, you email them again and you then go through their website to send another email, and then you call them and explain it, and their workers tell you that its all sorted and youre no longer subject to the penalty.

and then, a month later you get another letter saying that youve been picked up on the false fraudulent thing again and warm you about the penalty you have to pay. because apparently the worker on the phone removed the penalty but didnt change the incorrect information on the system like they were meant to.

so then you have to email them again, explaining everything again, attaching all the evidence again, and also call them again just in case and explain everything again, and this time she does change it on the system and says shell have a corrected certificate sent to your email within the hour.

and then two hours later, you get an email saying youll be emailed the corrected certificate within 24 hours.

#personal #uk government #uk government systems #the way they work is so fucking stupid #this is about specifically the nhs prepayment prescription service #which mate i paid over £100 for this dont accuse me of fraud #but also me mom works in the dwp #specifically job centre #and ive seen the computer system they use #it does not look like its been updated since 1992 #my mom has also been cced into email about a claimant who was apparently dead #whom the worker was trying to organise a face to face interview with #and if thats not bonkers enough on its own #my mom checked the system for that guy and hes not even dead #hes alive #but they believed he was falsely claiming uc from beyond the grave #also other snippets of awful uk infrastructure systems and shit #if you go to a&e no record of you will be kept unless you are put on a ward #also if you get an all clear often hospitals will delete stuff like fmri scans after five years #which we learned when i applied for my learners permit and could not be granted one as id had brain surgery #so i had to see a doctor about it #and the gp didnt really have anything to assess me on because he couldnt access the brain scans #and like fmri scans are very expensive so he wouldnt have requested one related to that #also fun fact about the hospital i was in for the brain injury #when i had the cranioplasty which is basically they took some bone from a different bit of my skull #and used it to cover the hole in my head #they put metal pins it to keep it in places and my mom was not told about that #(i was 8 at the time) #yeah i learned that when i was 18 and had an fmri for tinnitus and they had to do a skull x ray because we didnt know if there was metal

[xahmunnaeatchoox]

I know I don't really make my own posts on here at all, I'm really quiet, but:

I have. A job now.

#i know its probably wild but the pandemic kind of screwed over my jobhunt so ive only been looking properly for about little under a year #but i now have one #i am a cashier now #im both weirdly excited for the life milestone and also. #not looking forward to it because of capitalism #but hey!! Money #and i can say that i actually did it and have my first job now #and i can be a real adult #personal

[pepprs]

ok update i just finished making my card and i said / drew (lol) basically everything i wanted to say in it (except for the things i definitely can’t say now that this is happening lol). so i think maybe i might be ok with not saying what i want to say directly to her. but then when i say that im not ok with it at all LOLLLL so i think i need to sleep on it and maybe see what tomorrow brings

#purrs #sobbed hysterically writing the message and that was like 4 hrs ago (yeah.) and im still like dizzy and puffy eyed from it. i am not having #a good time lol. and it’s only going to get more intense this whole week and i don’t know if i can handle it. ive been overstimulated / #sleep deprived for like 2 straight days bc yesterday i was doing everything in my power to avoid thinking abt it and today i was doing #everything in mt power TO think abt it including being subjected to things that were hard and ofc the walk being a flop kinda lol. but omg. #mutuals i know it’s so deeply cringe but i have been vagueposting abt my work life since before i even got the fucking job. i know i look #mentally ill about it and i definitely am but my colleagues past and present are my best friends and my number 1 reason to be alive #actually. so this is just. idk. this feels very……. especially when this is someone who was never supposed to leave this suddenly. who i thou #thought i had years and years left with. and it’s just over like that and we have to say goodbye and i know it’s not even that big of a move #but it’s actually killing me. like physically. that this is happening rn. i don’t know what the fuck im going to do. and we aren’t even f #gonna be able to grieve openly at all but we are grieving and she doesn’t even.. like idk. maybe it just hasn’t occurred to her that we are. #but we literally are and its soooooooo bad. it’s so bad. i feel like im having a bad dream every day. i already felt like nothing was real #anymore and this helped abt -50000% with that sensation. like wtf is going on rn. she’s LEAVING. ON FRIDAY. FOREVER. FUCK! #but uh yeah the point is i do want to talk to her and if it was anyone else i would. but when it comes to emotional stuff and being honest #w each other abt how one makes the other feel… we are incompatible im afraid. she doesn’t want to talk abt it and all i want to do is talk b #but im shy and weak so i cave and just do everything in my power to give her what she needs and then i feel shattered for the rest of the #day / week / whatever. it fucking sucks and im not like that w anyone else in my little irl world (except my p*rents ofc LMAO) but it’s like #onmgggggg. can we please just talk abt how it is so painful you are doing this and comfort each other in it somehow. LOL! like i am in so mu #much pain i can’t even speak and she didn’t even look at me when i flicked my eyes over to her during the silences. CRINGE! girl she doesn’t #care about you 😭😭😭😭 except she does. idk. it’s just sooooo. idk. my brain is not right it hasn’t been since i got the news. i think im dying #delete later #OMG ALSO it is now the wee hours of july 26 which means that 3 yrs ago right abt now i did something so very stupid that made me have my #first very bad breakdown ever and it led to me realizing i needed counseling again. so maybe in the spirit of this anniversary i will do #this stupid thing (of asking to talk and then saying what i want to say even though i wrote it out) and then have a very bad breakdown and t #then go to counseling 🥳✌️