#ive always had issues with the management but i felt like i didn't have to handle it that much bc im not full time

[florida3exclamationpoints]

.

#one other thing is i dont even dislike my actual job... like the baking part and seeing dogs and stuff #ive always had issues with the management but i felt like i didn't have to handle it that much bc im not full time #but now they're maming me handle it #like if they just let me bake my little dog treats in peace i could hang back and let the full time employees attack them #which they kinda have lol but also they've kinda just quit too #but a lot of people there are paying rent or tuition or all of their own food and working 40hrs a week #they need their jobs and they deserve to be treated better !! i never truly needed this job bc i live at home #i enjoy it bc im baking !! let me just be a shadow and bake #but now i need it more bc im saving to move... #and im not a baking shadow anymore!! they hate me!!!! ok well what if i just quit!!!!! #but its so scary and getting a new job is scary and im gonna miss baking so much #anyway ❤️

[day-drawn-blog]

Part II : Slow burn ❤️‍🔥

Lace your heart with mine Let your sleeping soul take flight

I feel your breath on my neck, the soft caress as cold as death

Your blood like wine, I want it in, oh darling make me drink and make me feel

- I want to live

Tags: angst, fluff, sadness, angst, fluff, then maybe eventually smut because I do love that

Pairing: Astarion x Reader -- Set in Act I

Part I. Crowned light moon of mine - I found you too soon

Part II : Lace your heart with mine Let your sleeping soul take flight

Part III : Maybe tonight, I'll rest in peace

Part IV : There is much to do and I still want to live

Part V : Our futures bound, our bodies known

Part VI : These ain't my sins, I'm not to blame

Part VII: You are not mine and am I truly yours

Part VIII: your blood like wine invites me in

Part IX: I'll welcome my sentence and give you my penance

Part X : I can't go yet...don't let me die

---------

Next day, you woke up early and you remembered the rollercoaster your heart had been through. And your little secret. Ah, you almost forgot. So caught up were you in your pining you ignored the safety of those around you, and the resolve you had made last night to help and protect those around you. And right now, nothing posed more of a threat than a blood sucking vampire posing as an ally. You did not quite trust him yet. After all, you did not know him well at all.

You left your tent, resolved to confront him.

To settle this issue as best as you can on behalf of those innocent of his real identity. You spotted him next to his tent. His messy curls, even more disheveled in the morning. But his countenance brighter than yesterday. You wondered if it was the effect of the favor you did him. Somehow a part of you felt happy, that you made a difference to him.

You broached the subject.

"Can we talk?" He looked up surprised. "About your... condition. I was curious how we were going to feed you from now on."

His eyes widened.

I guess he did not realize you would confront him about this first thing in the morning. But it has to be done, sooner the better. Before everyone else wakes up. "How... how are you?" He managed, flustered. At least he has it in him to be polite and ask, you thought. You approved of his shallow charm. Now to the point.

"I am alright. But I am worried." "You have my word. I will never put any of us in harm's way. And if I ever do, I will ask, first" he flashed his cheeky grin. You almost gave in. And then suddenly, rustling behind him, startled you both.

Shadowheart walked out of his tent.

You were completely blindsided, Astarion was more embarassed and looked away.

Shadowheart was surprisingly, normal. "Good morning. Are you guys planning breakfast? I heard talks about a meal, or something... " she drawled in her usual charming manner.

"Ah yeah.. something like that.."

you managed to say, and decided to drop it. Before your heart shattered into pieces again, you decided, you walk away.

You wished you could leave them at camp.

So you didn't have to be distracted by those two as you navigated such dangerous lands. But, you all always travelled together and at least there will be other people, to distract you, from Shadowheart and Astarion's intimate moments together, where he held out his hands, to help her on a step. Or she cast her guidance and radiance to protect him, or where he took out a threat with his sneak attack before they ambushed her.

You felt weaker in combat that day.

Several times, Karlach had to protect you. You almost got knocked down, and she had to help you up. Thankfully Wyll had your back too. You felt terrible how much you let this matter get to you. Back at camp, exhausted, and down to your last breath, you decided to put him out of your head once and for all. You needed to wash up, and rest.

This was not serving you.

As you sat in your tent that night, going over the events of the day. You felt tears come up. You wanted to be the one being protected. Looked after..by him. To be important enough.

To be valued and loved, by him.

Dammit. Why should you put him on a pedestal like this. Better start thinking really hard how you could avoid that from happening again. This was your only way. Should you ask them to stay behind at camp the next day? No ..you need every ally you can get fighting for your life.

Suddenly, your thoughts were interrupted by approaching footsteps. You were confused, you thought everyone had gone to bed early that night, tired from all the ambush you had faced that day. So who was it? And why were they coming inside your tent?The tent flaps parted, and you saw a familiar tall silhouette.

You stopped breathing in surprise.

You both stared at each other for a few moments before he broke silence. "I am sorry to disturb your rest, the hour is late. Terribly, and truly" and it seemed like he was second guessing himself and walking back out again. Then he stopped and turned around "You see, this was my first.. I had never drank from a ...thinking creature before. Cazador... my master, would only ever let me feed on rats. "

Where was he going with this?

"Would you be so kind, as to grant me this favor one more time? I completely understand if you don't want to, and this is, well very embarrassing for me to admit" You could see his ears turn red as he shiftily looked anywhere but at you. "But ever since last night, I have not been able to forget... how you tasted". "I could do anything for one more time...please?" And he looked at you with his eyes full of endless misery, that familiar pleading voice and gaze...

You were weak against that but you were annoyed.

Who does he think he is. Does he think himself so charming that he can just waltz into your tent, demanding you donate your blood for free while he went back to Shadowheart right after? You did want to be the hero to those that needed you, but this is just taking advantage of you. You liked him a little less at that point. You were fully resolved to turn him down. After all, this felt wrong, not just to you, but to Shadowheart as well.

You got up.

"I am afraid, Astarion, I will have to turn you down tonight. Isn't Shadowheart waiting for you? What will she think of your absence?"

"She doesn't know. No one does. And I would like to not tell everyone, as long as I can, if you help me. You are the only one, who knows. And if everyone were to find out, I am afraid they would not show me the kindness you did. I would be cast aside. And left to fend for myself."

For all the outward intimacy between him and Shadowheart, you realized, they were not after all, close at heart. What did you expect. Did you expect him to be someone that would allow himself to fall in love with someone or genuinely love and care for someone other than himself? Your first impression of him, was right. The suave and snooth bad boy, with a thousand charms was after all, just that.

You sighed.

Battling with your moral dilemma. You wanted to cave, and earn his trust even more, and maybe a bit of affection. But was that really the right way to go about it. To exploit his weakness? You couldn't. You needed to save everyone. Even the ones that were too proud to admit they needed saving. You sighed again.

"Astarion, I would like to help you. However I cannot, be your only source of.. sustenance. This will affect me in battle. And I thought we agreed you would feed on our enemies, since they are as good as dead, as you said."

If he was disappointed he did not let it show.

"But of course. I only just wanted a little bit. You wouldn't even feel it. I promise. It will be a gift, that I will never forget" He looked at you with his intense gaze that sometimes betrayed the storm raging inside him you suspected. "I understand..." His countenance fell. He was pained. "Have a good sleep. I'll see you around in the morning" And he turned to leave.

"Wait"

Dammit. You cannot turn him down. Or anyone. When they genuinely seem to need your help. But did Astarion really need you? Or was he being greedy? Were you being deceived? Probably. Behind the facade of one who seeks your help is someone simply using you. You felt that. And yet, you were drawn to him, like a moth to a flame.

"Yes, you can...again, tonight. Only a little bit"

"Really? You would?" Genuine surprise in his voice. He quickly stepped in and drew the tent flaps shut. He took your hand and suddenly took the lead. Taking you to the back, gestured to you to sit. You sat down, he knelt in front of you, lifted your arm like last time, with both his hands, gave it a kiss, and looked at you one more time, as if to ask for your permission one last time, and when you nodded, proceeded to bear his fangs at which you looked away.

It didn't hurt, nor did it last longer than a few minutes. Afterwards he drew away, and sat down next to you, as if sated to his utmost. A grin across his face like last time. you looked at your wrist, and the two little dots where his fangs had pierced your skin. The ones from last night were fading. Tonight's red. He looked at you looking at your wrist. "Does it hurt?" He seemed...guilty.

"Let me wrap it"

He proceeded to tear a bit of linen from somewhere nearby and tie it around the bite marks. Hiding your doing, I see. This is no act of kindness. You felt your resolve melt. You felt glad to have been of use to him. But also sad, he was about to leave. And go back to shadowheart. You had served your role. He had used you, and no longer needed you.

Thank you ...you whispered to him

Part III : Maybe tonight, I'll rest in peace

#astarion x tav #astarion x reader #astarion romance #astarion bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #fanfic #fluff #astarion angst #emo

[peachywontyell]

ive had this bouncing around in my head for a while, so here we are.

i am a sucker for pretty boys with kind brown eyes and jaime fits that description perfectly...so i decided to give him a lot of pining (that is definitely reciprocated), he has to be a big brave boy and confess 🫶🏾 also, this is placed before the events in the movie !

inspired by

hanging out with jaime has always been very warm, cozy, comfortable. ever since you were children when you'd spend weekends riding your bikes around the neighborhood, only to crash at one of your houses after having way too much food. it happened so frequently that it got to the point where it just was the new normal for both of your families (impromptu get togethers were very common).

the friendship you guys had only grown stronger with each year that passed and well- there were definitely feelings there that weren't strictly platonic now. you were trying your hardest to push them away though, and jaime was having the same issues...however neither of you dared to even threathen the sanctity of the bond shared by confessing. that is until one summer came along, you guys had gone to different universities, and even though you called and texted daily, summer was when you guys could actually hang out like the old days. and here you were, having gone to pick up jaime from the airport with the rest of the reyes. as he walked through the gate you let his family say their hellos first- it's safe to say he almost drowned in hugs and kisses, and when you finally got to say hello you didn't hold back with the bear hug either.

you missed him dearly, and the weird feeling of anxiety, excitement and happiness settled in your stomach as he squeezed you back and actually just fully picking you up. it made the feeling in your stomach even stronger.

"JAIME DIOS MÍO BÁJAME"

"Que no, don't wanna"

"okay so if that's how this is gonna go, cárgame bien, señor"

suddenly you guys were in your own world, talking and laughing and everyone could clearly see what was happening here. milagro was gonna have a field day with the teasing as soon as she had a chance. he ended up putting you down- but only after he carried you all the way to the car. it was embarrassing yes, but now as embarrassing as the older couple that chuckled as you walked past and talked to themselves in hushed voices about 'how sweet young love is' and how they wished they could go back in time and experience it all over again.

that got you both blushing...and made the drive back home for lunch a bit...strange. nothing really changed, you still sat together and chatted, but jaime couldn't stop thinking about what they had said. did you guys actually look like a couple? should he had said something to them? the fact that he didn't mind if they thought so made him feel warm and fuzzy.

two weeks pass, and while you've somehow managed to push away those fuzzy feelings, things have definitely flipped for jaime- and milagro did not help one bit. she woke up much earlier than he did, you did too, and it usually meant that as soon as he walked out into the kitchen he'd see you just having breakfast.

"buenas morning" you say, trying not to laugh cause his hair looked bonkers, but even if you found it hilarious, it was still endearing, and the fuzzy feelings you had to fight every single day before meeting him were back and they were looking for vengeance. and when he almost put his full body weight on top of you for a hug not caring that you were in the middle of eating? well, you felt like you were going to die. "mornin...." he didn't move off. "jaime." "Hmmm?" "get off of me and go shower, tenemos que encontrarnos con el grupo in like an hour". with one last, extremely dramatic sigh, he moves off and does as told. it's not like he didn't want to spend the day with you and some of your other friends, they were his friends too, but he would much rather stay in and chill.

not even two hours later and you guys are at the little picnic area everyone agreed to meet up at, playing silly games, chatting and just catching up! and jaime just wasn't feeling it, he couldn't really pinpoint the reason why until he sees how talkative and close you are with one of the guys there. okay. that's fine. it's just a hangout, nothing is happening, you definitely aren't flirting with him. thank god someone called the guy over cause he didn't know how much he could take.

"so how'd the flirting go?" he thought he sounded casual, calm, normal. he did not sound casual, calm or normal. he sounded upset and looked like a sad dog. "what flirting- what the hell happened to you? why do you look so sad? ¿qué pasó?" "hm? nothing." he shook his head, making you squint. okay, if he didn't want to tell you, then you'd just come up with absurd reasons as to why he would be upset. "¿tas celoso?" funny how you got it right first try. you don't know that, though. "what? no- ¿qué?" he prays to god the blush creeping up his neck isn't noticeable, prays it doesn't betray him. "Ayyyyy si es eso you don't have to be, tu sabes que you're irreplaceable" you laugh and god is definitely on his side cause you're called over a few second later by someone of the order people and he can feel his heart beating so fast he fears its gonna burst through his chest.

the hangout went by smoothly, he genuinely couldn't be happier, even if at first he didn't want to be there. he has to admit, he did miss his friends, so he's glad he could spend some time with them. now you guys are laying on his bed, chismeando and just debriefing when the topic of him being "jelous" came up again. maybe he could just do it. he knew it was risky, but....he was willing to take the chance. "....you know what? maybe i was. maybe i was very jelous, maybe i still kind-of am." he felt you sitting up and all he could do was pull a pillow over his face and keep this shit rolling "you've always made me feel so comfortable and...warm, and ive always loved you, but at some point i think it turned into love...? does that make sense- no- it's fine- okay- look i just- de verdad que me gustas mucho y pues no sé- i don't wanna fuck this up aunque creo que ya lo jodí-" he huffs and sits up to face you, looking embarrassed and flustered "you're so special to me and i really don't want to mess up the friendship we have, okay? but i'd just...i'd really like to be yours."

you aren't sure if you should just kiss him or shake him by the shoulders. so you settle for taking his hand in yours, feeling your face grow warmer- if that's even possible after that confession. "jaime, look at me." that boy is holding onto the pillow for dear life, using it to still obscure his face while he shakes his head. he's trembling. you use your other hand to grab his face and look at you "please, just kiss me" "really?" "si-" and he does, like he's been starving. he almost doesn't let you pull back even though you both need to breathe. "jaime mi amor, you will always be my favorite pretty boy and im so happy i can finally tell you."

#peachy thinks thoughts! #peachy talks into the void! #yeah im upset with this but i said id post it :// #still kinda cute though :') i fuck heavy with the yearning and cute crushes #and jaime is just fun to imagine in cute situations like that #jaime reyes #jaime reyes x reader #blue beetle (2023) #plus size reader #latina reader #again reitero ese tag y el de plus size #anyway #hope whoever reads this enjoys it #sorry its a lil slow and ends abruptly i would have kept it going but i wanted to keep it wholesome #ALSO #Spanglish #!!!!! YEAHHHHHH LETS GOOOO

[slarpg]

SUPER LESBIAN ANIMAL RPG v1.1 IS HERE! This is the most substantial patch since launch. On top of the usual bug fixes, we have new area maps, the new Additional Guidance mode, and most importantly... Melody now has a pet cat!! Look at him

As always, Steam users should get the patch automatically, while itch users can redownload the game from the store page. Common technical questions are also addressed in our FAQ page.

To try and manage expectations here, while this update contains more than the usual bug fixes, I don't currently have any plans to add a huge amount of content to the game. Right now I think it's already long enough, and the game's structure (with a definitive ending and no postgame) isn't conducive to adding DLC. And also, you know, what's there already took almost eight years of my life to make, and that kinda takes a lot out of you. But these additions felt like they would meaningfully improve the experience of what's already there.

Full changelog below!

v1.1 Changelog

"New content":

Additional Guidance mode can now be toggled on or off from the start of the game or via the in-game Options menu! When enabled, this will occasionally offer more direct hints on what to do next in a few specific parts of the game for more story-focused players - particularly a few puzzle segments, as well as helping you find the side content late in the game.

Ultimately, the total number of hints added across the game is low. Exploration, dungeon puzzles, and returning to previously-visited areas with new tools are core pillars of SLARPG's design, and I don't want to hold the player's hand every step of the way. But these specific bits have been parts where some players just gave up and messaged me (usually at like 3am), or posted a cry for help in the #SLARPG tag on Twitter. Which isn't optimal! So now an extra nudge in the right direction exists in-game, should you ever need it.

New area maps have been added for the Amber Woods, Sapphire Coast, and Uncanny Valley! They can be acquired from Park Ranger Taylor, the beach souvenir shop (first accessible in Act III), and Rafael, respectively.

And finally, as was originally intended, Melody now has... a pet cat in her house!! He is truly the most important part of this patch, and the most important thing that will ever be patched into the game.

Other tweaks:

Unrevealed enemies should no longer have their health bars displayed when using multi-target attacks.

The menu (and, by extension, the options menu) can now be accessed during the Prologue.

Fixed the Bestiary entries for the Loot Scooter and Helper Jelly not properly unlocking in the Sapphire Coast.

The animation for Megalith from the Geomancer Spellbook now plays for each individual enemy that's caught in its area of effect. (A compatibility issue was found with the script that made AoE attacks only play one animation, and this was the only skill in the game that needed said script.)

Originally the columns in the last "puzzle" room of the Flurry Mountains had no collision because that room is just a joke and I didn't want people to get stuck in a maze that exists purely for a gag but they now have collision so that I stop receiving bug reports about it

Added new line when entering the Fortune Teller's shop late in Act IV (or Act V) saying that he can help locate uncompleted major side quests at that point in the story. (He will now also point you in the direction of Fawna's side quest if you haven't completed it.)

A backup method of acquiring the missable Spellbook in Act III has been added late in Act IV. (You can still only get it once.)

The Crypt boss can no longer be defeated in a way that makes a certain unique status ailment remain after the battle.

There's now an additional warning at save points past the point of no return.

Other minor fixes.

Enjoy the update, everyone!

#update

[qalbtalk]

Casper 🐾♥️ 2010–2024

These past few months have altered the trajectory of my life indelibly. Things you were always scared of can happen, and so can those that you never imagined. I have now lived through both.

Casper in kaffan | Casper's body being escorted away | Casper's grave is beyond that fence

Casper passed away on Wednesday evening after two weeks of rapidly deteriorating health. He had been fussy with food and was losing weight for a while now--my brother thought it was a sign of aging, mama thought it was his dental issues again but none of us imagined that he was fighting for his life. Last Saturday his vet said that he may be suffering from FIP (Feline Infectious Peritonitis), also known as cat coronavirus. Cats are exposed to it sometime in their life and when the virus mutates, there is nothing you can do. Casper was a perfectly healthy, indoor cat. His first blood test came back normal. The vet put him on IV fluids and it felt like he would be okay because after that visit he ate a bit, groomed himself and even seemed playful. I was hopeful he would recover from whatever was ailing him. However, things deteriorated over the weekend when he threw up blood and wasn't able to use his litter box. We were back to see the vet on Monday to have fluid drained from his abdomen as his x-rays showed a steady build-up. The vet kept the fluid in case we chose to have it tested but told us it wasn't a good sign and the prognosis was not good. I prayed so much that he would somehow survive, that if he was in pain, it would end and he would be blessed with complete shifa—we all did. Between Hasan and I, we read all we could about FIP and the experimental drug that exists but is not FDA-approved. I asked the doctor to send the fluid for analysis so we can know if we might be able to do something for him but he left us before his results came back. The report showed early signs of liver failure and heart disease. We don't really know his official diagnosis.

His last few nights with us were so painful to watch. I came back home and slept in the living room with him so I could be there in case he got sick. He drank so much water and threw up a lot. Casper was super picky about cleanliness—he refused to eat in a bowl that hadn't been washed. I cried a lot when I had to wash his paws because he was too weak to do so himself. He chose to go on his own terms and didn't burden us with having to euthanize him. We always thought Casper would live for 18-20 years like an indoor cat is supposed to, in fact I planned for it. He was my baby, but we plan and Allah plans and His plans are better.

If you don't have a pet, you will not understand any of it. People can treat animals very poorly. I remember stories from back home of dogs being kicked and shot; cats being shooed away or mishandled. Casper taught us what loving an animal really means. It's been three days since he passed away. I know what I'm supposed to believe. I know what Islam says but my heart is shattered. The irony is that even on the day he passed, I attended a workshop on grief and adjustment through a trauma informed lens for an entirely different reason. I just didn't know that I would need to apply it to something else too. My manager told me to take the next two days to focus on Casper because I broke down in his office. I texted the family group chat all day checking on him, asking if he ate, used the litter box, if he was okay. I kept telling Hasan and papa not to talk hopelessly because he would sense it if we were giving up on him. We had to remain positive for him. 

Casper was my heart. He was a regular feature on my old blog. From his cute habits to his antics, he kept us all entertained for 13.5 years. He was the 3rd child, or as I liked to call him, baby 2.5. He came to live with us when he was only 8-weeks old. We used to joke that he doesn't live in our house, we live in his. He was so spoiled. He used to nap in front of the fireplace. We would leave it on for him in the winter. Mama used to heat up his food for 8-seconds before giving it to him and would say bismillah three times and pet his head before he would eat. Papa would clean his litter box every two-days because he would not use it otherwise. From his four different cat beds, he still preferred to sleep on mine even though I wasn't there. He spent the majority of his time in my room during his last two weeks with us. Leaving him behind was the hardest decision I had to make and I missed him everyday. I came over every weekend to see him. Now that he is gone, I can't sleep in that room or on that bed. It's too painful without him purring and cuddling with me. The whole house feels empty. We all feel as if he'll come around the corner anytime and ask us to pick him up or feed him. 

We all cried so much, Casper. You don't know what you meant to us or maybe you did, which is why you tried to make everyone happy on the last day you were with us. Cats tend to isolate completely when they’re close to passing but you let us remain close to you because you knew we needed it—maybe you did too. You went to see papa upstairs in his bedroom before he left for work because you knew it was the last time he'd see you alive. We all wonder how you made it upstairs at all because you could barely walk. You slow-blinked at mama to let her know it was okay when you almost slipped from her grasp coming down the stairs because you were so weak. You let Hasan pet you. And most of all you waited for me to come see you after work…  I had barely taken off my jacket and come to you before I realized you weren't breathing right. Your pupils had dilated and your tongue was sticking out as you tried to breathe. We called your vet who told us to take you to the emergency pet hospital. I quickly wrapped you in your favourite blanket. I know you didn't like going outside and it was -30°C that evening. But before we had even turned the corner of our street, you took your last breath in my arms. Hasan ran upstairs to cry when we came back inside. I called papa who was on his way home. Mama was crying. We laid you down in front of the fireplace in your favourite bed. Your heart was still beating even though you weren't breathing. The Isha azaan started and your heart stopped too… along with a huge part of mine. 

You were with me for 40% of my life, Casper, and knew everything. You were my best friend, the one who stayed with me when I was sick, the one who cuddled with me as I cried, the one who kept my secrets, the one who witnessed every phase of my life, helped write my thesis, mend my broken heart, gave me hope and strengthened my faith. After losing X a few months ago, I had given up on everything. The state of the world with Gaza on fire didn't help either. Everywhere I looked, I saw devastation. Nothing felt good or right. I was living on auto-pilot. I deleted my blog too. My only comfort was you and now you're gone too. 

Everywhere I look now, I see you. We keep finding your fur everywhere, your old toys, the name tag you never wore, your whole medical file, your food bowls and beds. I have 10,000+ photos of you because you’re all I took photos of. You didn't talk but your love was unconditional. Love between humans can hurt with words or actions but your love only came with goodness and without reproach. We had so many names for you—Casper, Capu, Capi, Chowdhury saab (papa's favourite)—you responded to all of them. You were a bit cross eyed and your white paws, nose spot and ear cut made you truly adorable. You loved creamy dairy treats, ras malai and mango-flavoured desserts though you were not interested in any other human food. You prayed with mama and I, listened to the Qur'an, and fasted with us for 13 years in Ramadan. I don't care what anyone says; you were a Muslim cat. I couldn't imagine cremating you even though that's common for pets here. If it was summer, we would have buried you in our backyard but Allah heard me and you found a place in the ground. The workers were so kind when they heard we had brought our pet. You got a special escort in the back of a service truck. The night before we buried you was the hardest to get through because we wrapped you in a white pillowcase and laid you outside in your favourite bed to preserve your body in the cold. At -23°C, it was colder than the freezer. You didn't like the cold. I visit your grave every day because I miss you so much. I haven't slept properly in days and my right eye hurts constantly. If given a choice on any of my prayers being accepted, I would choose to bring you back. Please know that you were truly loved. So many people miss you, even those that only met you once or twice. So many have sent flowers that our house may as well be a garden. I imagine even better for you in jannah.    I know you're in jannah in the largest kitty palace Allah made for you, with an all-you-can-eat treat buffet. I hope you're happy and I pray I reunite with you soon, inshaAllah. Please forgive us if we ever hurt you and made you unhappy in any way. Thank you for loving me so much that you waited for me even on your last day. I will never forget you.

#my photos #casper #i didn't know hasan took a photo of him after death but im thankful for it now

[pinyeti]

dear tumblr

today I start my first day of junior year of college pt2

not really an insane first but it feels pretty important for some reason let me give you a rundown

I have an art thing due today so I spent all of last night on that THEN AT 4AM I SAW A MUKBANG ON NOODLES and don't ever do this I feel sick I ate noodles very early and I put frozen corn in it except it was very last minute so I doubt it had time to cook properly which is probably why I feel this sick anyway then I DONT FINISH MY ART THING cuz I've never worked with neutral tones before and have no idea how to design it for a wall in 3 hours so I just.... watch Carol and the end of the world for a bit and slowly fall asleep at 4.30am

I have a 9.30 TODAY [CURRENTLY WRITING THIS IN MY TAXI ITS 9:14] SO OBVIOUSLY I wake up at 8:30 unprovoked thank god I had the forethought of having my shirt ironed cuz clothing decisions would have killed me, I contemplate making breakfast for my family [my moms not in the country rn] BUT I REALIZE THE MEALS IVE PREPPED FOR THE WHOLE DAY HAVE BEEN EATEN BY PIG BROTHER so I decide im gonna order them something at lunch time then (ok tmi [actually what part of this ISNT tmi]) I try shaving my girl stache cuz I've had issues in the past but MY STUPIF PINK GIRL RAZOR WONT WORK I DOUBT I CAN DO ANYTHING WITU IT AND ITS SO OVERPRICED FOR NO REASON so I pull out my dads razor (A NEW ONE DW) AND IT WORKS WONDERS WTF AND IM WILLING TO BET MY NEW SQUEAKY CLEAN BABY FACE ON IT BEINF LESS EXPENSIVE anyway then I go keep all my dishes in the kitchen cuz I have a billion in my room you'd think my depressive episodes give birth to them but really it's just me always (woah my taxi guy just dodged a food biker and I felt it in my bones) I steal my little sisters makeup cuz her makeup is pretty cute she's pretty cute i wish I started makeup when I was younger so I'd be a pro now but no I had to be not like other girls UGH. THEn I take my club banner im president just president things and run to a taxi and start updating everyone on tumblr and it kills time till my first class of the day isa301 introduction to database management systems surprise I do information systems and business analytics and I have no idea why

I think some of it is me being extremely insecure about my skills, I love art but a career in it? after seeing my dad struggle following his dreams? yeah no I'd take a cushy job and financial freedom any day

the world wants dreamers to dream when everythings working against them you're sick for that world I hate you but I adore my dad for being a dreamer and I think he's the coolest and he's so supportive my moms so supportive too ofc there are the absolute horrible moments but today I feel like seeing tje world in a good light (I'm expecting pictures of the messy room I left behin)

whys it taking me this long to get to class it's 9.27 and I have the banner to keep in my office so I need to do it quick hmmmm should I be late to nash's class or walk in with a banner snd a sob story I really need this professor to be on my team cuz he grades you based on how much he likes you seriously I didn't realise people like this actually existed okag I might have time to quickly go place the banner it's 9.28 I'm so dumb I didn't check where my class is

#i rant #rant post #college #im going insane #funny memes #haha

[shameboree]

You completely missed the point of that post. Ppl noticed a weird trend of the mean girls/bullies they knew in high school going in to nursing & were trying to figure out why they would go in to a field where they have to take care of others. I didn't notice this till it was pointed out to me by my Nurse friend + my friend who is a CNA in pre-med. Saying "there's a concerning trend of toxic women gravitating towards nursing" is not saying "nurses are toxic!" It's not about nurses. It IS a thing.

YESSSSS ive been waiting So Patiently for some brave anon to come properly Champion the We Hate Women cause directly, THANK YOU i appreciate your UNWAVERING bravery in properly schooling me about how Mean Girls are the exact equivalent of murderers and child rapists. i literally never would have seen it. the MEAN GIRLS FRM HS BECOME NURSES joke has always been a thing and i know this and see this but AS U HAVE PROPBABLY SEEN bc i admit it on a near constant basis i am Kind Of Stupid so like i never once made the connect btwn women who are just huge total cunts VS very specifically men who rape kids and murder ppl which honestly was PEAK DUMBASS OBLIVIOUS on my part bc absolutely i shouldve seen past the named issue of Male Power Exploitation used specifically to commit Heinous Crimes and seen that what really needed to be talked about was Toxic Women, which is always unquestionably the most pressing issue at ANY given moment and im soooo so So Sincerely Sorry that i missed that. it was probably my toxic dfab nature taking control of my rotten little estro brain and i cant BELIEVE i forgot to check myself

THANK U BABE my reading comprehension is TRASH GARBO and i appreciate being humbled. i also do rly appreciate not letting me slip for not explicitly disclaiming in detail what i was actually upset about (Unreasonably weve established) bc boiling it down to such a 1d take REALLY showed my dumb little ass!!! im So Bad at time management so i did make the dipstick idiot choice to attempt economizing words so i could eat in the 15min i had before going back to do my job+tech job for 6 heavy workload pts and it did us both SUCH a disservice bc u had to come all this way and give me those words so i could learn better when i Should Have Known. im sad you felt like you had to anon i tho wish youd embraced your bravery enough to show your face, more than anyone you Deserve the recognition

#listen im not going to Actually Fight but there is such a specific reason that post upset me and to pretend its bc #i didnt Understand The Point is so uncharitable and disingenuous #if u wanna discuss this off anon im totally chill having a priv convo to explain my side here #ANYWAY DAMN I JUST WOKE FRM A COMA S/P THE WORST SHIFT OF MY LIFE like id lit rather time travel back to endure my wrst day of chemo instea #also you know what field Actually attract literally the absolute most vile women on earth? childcare. can tell you Firsthand #the batshit insane settlement idve got if id started a lawsuit for the workplace harassment i endured that admin condoned n participated in #BABE... ID BE DOORDASHING EVERY MEAL!!!! ID LEAVE $50 TIPS AT SBUX!! ID ACTUALLY GET SBUX!!! #ALSO techs/pcas/psas etc are widescale Infinitely Worse than nurses wrt n ALSO awful to pts but you know who gets the flak for THAT?? guess #i cant speak for licensed nurse aids bc id literally rather die than work in a snf or any ltc but UNLICENSED TECHS?? #those are the REAL mean girls from highschool. theyre mean to e/o mean to nurses mean to pts mean to the families. its WILD #id also rather die before working day shift but i can only assume theyre mean to drs also #also every evil woman that goes into nursing goes to day shift its like a rule or something and report is always an Event #anyway anon if it isnt clear what my angle here is LIKE I SAID im cool talking abt it in dms #im off for the next several days so i am Centered #kels talks #LUCKY FOR ALL U BITCHES THEY COLLAPSE TAGS THIS IS A WHOLE POST RIGHT HERE!!!

[mydemonsdrivealimo]

TeLL mE aBouT YoUr deMiRo BryCe FiC

LMAO thank you asdfghjk this one made me laugh

here are a few from the list that work for it/i want to answer about it :)

F: Is there a song or a playlist to associate with So I'll Just Paint it Chrome?

The title is literally ripped from The Shining by The Neighbourhood, so that's one of the biggest ones. yes it's definitely for the vibes, but as far as lyrics go ive managed to make a bit of a connection

the lines, "You've got a heart of gold//And mine is always broken//So I'll just paint it chrome" is what im referring to (obviously). less so the first line, but the second two are definitely something i can see resonating with bryce. i highlighted how his past relationships (romantic) felt forced, and that he felt it was fucked up that he was only interested in romance after a substantial period of just hook-ups and friendship. societally, both of those things are seen as generally negative, played off as commitment issues, or a problem with the person (hence the broken line), when in actuality there was nothing wrong, but he felt like he had to put on this sort of facade to hide that that's how he felt (which is where the whole paint it chrome thing comes in)

P:  Where did you find the most inspiration for your story So I'll Just Paint It Chrome?

the inspiration came from a lack of aro/acespec representation, especially in the choices community. i am new, so dont take everything i say at 100%, but i havent seen many headcanons about charaters being anywhere on the spectrum (specifically in the open heart fandom). i know choices is trying to sell sex appeal, especially with their new stories, and romance plots are what get the most attention, but theres no reason that should hinder aro/ace rep

as someone who is on the aro and ace spectrums, i love being able to hc characters as aro/ace and bryce was definitely at the top of my list. he very clearly didn't have an interest in a full romantic relationship anywhere near the beginning, and i mean fuck his entire romance plot was so demiro once you actually think about it (i wont get into it we'll be here forever)(if youd like me to please ask tho). ive seen plenty of complaints that the romance plots took too long in open heart, but, in that context, bryce being demiro makes a lot of sense

#ty #<3 #this might have been sarcastic but im answering it anyway so #open heart #bryce lahela #asks answers

[yae-35]

Ive had these two neverafter ocs for a while but I never really planned on sharing them because despite having watched all episodes intently until now I am just a Girl with Half the Facts and idk how I could fit one of my ocs into the story in a technical/magical sense. Especially my second OC bc she has that Main Character energy peppered into her story and idk if Neverafter's rules can be aligned with her story

Theyre basically a duo of kids around ylfa and pinocchio's ages. The older one (who's probably like, a few years older than ylfa, around the 15-16 yr age range) is the youngest of the twelve dancing princesses who ran away from her controlling, emotionally-gray, father. She harbors extreme resentment against him and her brother-in-law for banning them from entering and essentially destroying the one true place she and her sisters had felt joy. Ofc in their eyes, they are protecting these girls, they're just going about it in such a Horrible Bad way... They feel guilty, but they're not in regret, y'know? Overall, it's a messy situation, and I feel like out of the two of the kids, she's more susceptible to the princesses' agenda, and it's one of those situations where Destiny's Children need to convince her to be on their side or else the princesses will swoop in.

My second OC is an iteration of the ugly duckling who doubles as the secret love child of Odette and Odile, a little younger than Pinocchio. So it goes like this: in the multitude of versions of the Swan Lake that exists, there's a version where Odette and Odile were enemies until they were Awakened. They became friends, then something more, until one day one of them lays an egg. Odile is a sorcerer's daughter, and I feel like she knows that this egg is a symbol of her and Odette's love for each other, and this symbol is an error to their story. She also knows that in this particular world, there are forces that will try to elimate any and every error to the best of its possibilities, like cells in a body that attack any invaders that could compromise the body's health. It's either 1) Odile managed to gain or has always had access to power as great as Baba Yaga's (or the Stepmother's) and managed to pushed this egg into a story where its deemed as an element to be allowed existence not unlike Pinocchio being shazam'd into another random Pinnochio's husk? 2) Odile knows the Baba Yaga, and the offer of such a power made to the Stepmother wasn't the first of its kind made by the Baba Yaga, Odile is just more... err??? let's say level-headed when it comes to using said power. That or the Baba Yaga only gave her a sliver of that power, just enough to push that "tumor" of an egg into a more accomodating host/story. The "duckling"'s whole schtick or arc is that she's tired of her worth being tied to her appearance and/or the anticipation of her appearance, but it's expressed in the way that only a 7-ish year old can.

They are a party of two, and the dancing princess is basically the guardian of the "duckling". Their own mission is to basically stay put in this world, and maybe find the duckling's parents. The duckling herself is ambivalent to finding her parents, but the dancing princess has been having visions of two women, in black and white tutus, calling out in the woods for the duckling's name ever since she took the duckling under her wing.

Idk what happens after I just know that Odette and Odile are like the wlw version of Henry and Timothy and they're looking to adopt this angsty teen with parental hurt.

They're both precious to me because I too have daddy issues, and if you know me and my blog, I love everything wlw and I have a soft spot for kids (CHIRP FEATHERFOWL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WILL ALWAYS HAVE A PLACE IN MY HEART) I also really dig the vibes and themes of "we are the children this system was supposed to protect, but didn't" that Neverafter has going on because it just SPEAKS to me

#neverafter #neverafter spoilers #neverafter oc #ALSO THE JUXTAPOSITION BETWEEN THESE TWO AND THE CHOICES THEIR PARENTS MAKE #both the king and the swans had the same intentions which was to protect their daughters #yet the lasting impact their choices had on these kids is INSANELY different

[limerancy]

i just got top surgery almost exactly two months ago!! i was really scared to go into surgery too, but it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be and now im so happy with my chest. the worst part is the drains and the nipple bolsters, but literally the moment those were gone, at my post op appointment after a week, i felt 10x better. i was worried about how my scars looked for the first month because the swelling was so bad that they looked weirdly wavy, but almost all the swelling is gone now and i absolutely love it! i hope your recovery goes as well as mine did

hello!!! i keep meaning to answer this and then just forgetting

i think the hardest thing for me to conceptualize was just......waking up and it being over. like literally i remember the guy giving me something in the IV (i think he said it was fentanyl?) and saying it would be just like having a glass of wine, and then wheeling me over and putting the oxygen mask on, telling me to breathe deep, and then.....i was waking up in the recovery room 3 hours later. ive always had sleeping issues so "putting me to sleep" is like. the expectation was absolutely not that bc i always wake up during the night and usually somewhat aware of my surroundings. after he gave me that stuff, i didn't even have the time to be anxious (i also didn't have my contacts in so i didn't even see where i was going) and then it was just...over. it's still wild to me

urgh yeah my post op is tmrw and i am so ready to get these drains out. im holding on to every last shred of sanity i have to just get through this night and the ride to the appointment tomorrow. they gave me a compression vest so it's like. my whole ass torso, and that's also been sensory hell. i feel like it'll be so much easier once these drains are out and the bolsters are off—i can shower again, i don't have to empty them, i don't have to keep and eye on where the tubing is and where the lil bulbs are and whether it's getting caught on or under me or whatever (also less worry about the cats seeing some wiggly tube and deciding it's a snake they need to attack bc that....would not end well for anyone)

im honestly not too worried about the scars. the actual visual aspect is not as important to me—how it looks under clothing and the literal weight off my chest, the fact that i won't have to bind just to feel comfortable, etc. i trust the surgeon who did the procedure (it actually ended up being the number one guy in that department at the hospital, even though my paperwork said someone else—not complaining, bc he was my first choice anyway) and i know my scars are generally pretty manageable/flat/light-colored anyway

im also hoping recovery goes well!! so far it seems to be okay, other than my own sensory issues. honestly just waiting until i can actually enjoy and feel the relief of top surgery, as i am still within the trials and tribulations stage 😔

#apollo answers asks #top surgery #surgery mention #personal

[the12thnightproject]

Heyyy! Just to let you know ive been rlly invested in your ikesen series with your ocs. Just havent rlly finished any of them and ive quite stop reading at some point, since most of them weren't my favourite suitors.

Sorry.

But id love to hear more if you have any ideas or planning on writing more ikesen series like that but with other suitors? And can share about how you get inspiration about your storyline and your oc katsuko?

Thank you and keep it up!

Hi Anon!

Thank you for the love and for liking Katsuko (I'm a little sad for Shingen and Mitsunari... but Cybird has been rather light on giving us new content for them that will help us fall in love with them).

Ok... for your questions (later... oh boy, this got really long... sorry).

I am absolutely writing more in the series - it can take me a year to write each longfic. My goal was mid-late March for the next story, but ... I'm about 70% done with the first draft, so we'll see if I can manage that.

Before there was a series, it was just me playing the game, and suddenly realizing that I was thinking about it when I wasn't playing it, and the things that I was thinking about (daydreaming actually) were scenes that were not in the game, and not with MC. The people I was imagining in the scenes eventually became Katsuko (although she didn't have a name at that time) and Akihira. Eventually though, I felt like I needed to write them down, at which point I started thinking more in terms of "what is this, exactly?" And I wanted to write Katsuko with more than one character, and then I wondered if I could create an OC who, like the game MC, would fit as a love interest with every game character (spoiler alert - I #failed at that one), and also figure out a way that multiple versions of Katsuko could exist (which is how the multiverse part of it started).

At that point, there were ten routes already released in the game. The idea is that the final longfic in the series will be Sasuke & Katsuko traveling through all the existing timelines, trying to make ensure that they didn't collapse on each other. It's somewhat like the concept of Loki - that some timelines will start interfering with others. There was supposed to be a longfic with every available (at that time) suitor, plus I set it up to potentially also include Yoshimoto (if his route story made sense with the multiverse). The Shakespeare angle came up because it occurred to me that if Katsuko and Toshie were both isekai'd into Sengoku, and then separated, then it was sort of like the plot of "Twelfth Night." And then I decided to make things difficult on myself by having the individual longfics each be inspired by one of Shakespeare's plays.

This is what I originally thought I was going to write (in some order...):

Shingen, a route inspired by Twelfth Night. Shingen needed to go first because his canon issue allowed me to do a lot of world building and setting up rules for the multiverse.

Mitsunari, inspired by A Midsummer Night's Dream.

Hideyoshi, inspired by Julius Caeser.

Ieyasu, inspired by Much Ado About Nothing

Nobunaga, inspired by Hamlet.

Masamune, inspired by... [kind of drew a blank on this one, but I was considering Pericles]

Mitsuhide, inspired by The Taming of the Shrew

Yukimura, inspired by As You Like it

Kenshin, inspired by The Winter's Tale

Sasuke, inspired by The Tempest. He needs to be last to tie up the multiverse.

But what I thought I was going to write, intellectually, ran up against the wall of creativity (meaning, ok, I sort of had an idea, but those ideas didn't always work out for various reasons).

So this is what actually happened - plans? Ha! What plans?

Shingen - done

Mitsunari - done

Hideyoshi - as I started to envision it, I realized that some of the plot was repeating things that happened in Shingen's route, so I put that idea on the back burner until I can better figure out what will happen here.

Ieyasu - Actually had a couple of scenes in mind, and once I put Hideyoshi aside, I thought I would write him next, but I couldn't figure out an overall storyline, so I've temporarily skipped him.

Nobunaga - every time I start trying to envision it, I run into a wall of angst and tragic ending (he kills her ... because she's there to assassinate him). Temporarily skipped until I can figure out another approach that doesn't end in MCD.

Masamune - So... I basically have "screen tested" Masamune with Katsuko, and ... they have no chemistry. Total 'good friends' vibes, no conflict. I tried to work around that with a high conflict plot... but then...

Mitsuhide - Was supposed to be later, because I wanted to focus on some of the more neglected characters. He jumped in and demanded that I write his story. Enemies to lovers - in the previously written fics Katsuko and Mitsuhide have said that if they had to work closely with each other, they would be tempted to murder the other... so... let's see if that happens. Fic in process, hopefully out in Spring 2023.

Yukimura - I think this one may be after Mitsuhide. Probably. It's the one I can see the clearest in my head. Likely to be a buddy comedy with lots of adventure, if it develops the way it's started.

Kenshin - I have a solid idea for this one, but it's tangled up with what I had in mind for Sasuke's as well, almost to the point where I think I have to write it in two parts, with part 1 coming first, then ending on a cliffhanger, picking up in Sasuke's story ... or something.... this is one where the problem is less his story, and more how do I solve a plot twist where another multiverse Sasuke & Katsuko are needed to step in and help.

Sasuke - see above, but it's supposed to be the final story.

Other warlords: If a storyline occurs to me for them, I may add them. Some of them may actually fit better with a different OC, e.g., the character of Shohime/Sho may work better with some of them (Keiji, Masamune, Motonari - or even Hideyoshi), so there may be some spin-off short stories or novellas going that way instead of full fics with Katsuko.

All of that means that there will be more stories, but not the ten total as I originally wanted.

Ok... so for your question about character inspiration. Going all the way back to when I had the idea for the Tempest stories - there were things about Katsuko that I mostly knew - that she would have a self-deprecating inner dialogue, and that she would be more athletic and have had less of a stable upbringing than Mai, and, having been in the Sengoku longer (7 years), she would be less peace-loving, and more used to the war and death of the era.

Some of that was due to things I already wondered about Mai... how could Mai disappear into another era without her ending up as a "missing persons" cold case... we never see her go back to her family/friends and explain what happened. So to make that an easier issue with Katsuko, I decided that she would be kind of a loner, and that her only family is her brother (and he gets yanked into Sengoku era Japan with her).

When I started to write the prologue, she was actually really different. Instead of a rebellious athlete type, she was actually a party-girl/failed gymnast. I got about 5000 or so words into that version, and realized I didn't like her, she was too whiney, and I didn't want to spend a bunch of longfic writing about her. I trashed everything I had written, and started over.

Mostly, I knew what I wanted her to be able to do... and then worked backwards to figure out what basic skills she would have (athleticism, adventurousness) that would provide canvas for Aki to train her in the skills she would need to survive and thrive. I sent her back 7 years prior to the arrival of Mai/Honno-ji, in order to give her time to adjust, to pick up the skills she could use in the longfics. And then in the prologue, I put her through a near death experience, which left her with a bit more ruthlessness than before, and the claustrophobia.

But for some of the other aspects of her personal history, most of those I discovered when I was writing the first draft of "Twelve Lies..." The fact that she was a vegetarian (as much as possible), her mother's story, the flashbacks to her life in modern Japan, the fact that she once had a cat (named Tony Stark)... those organically appeared in that story - at which point, I went back to the prologue and made some edits, since I had a clearer vision of her.

The discoveries about Akihira didn't come to me until I was partway through the second draft of that story (which again... necessitated more rewrites - originally Aki was supposed to be native to Sengoku Japan... I didn't figure out that he was also a time traveler until later). So basically it took me two drafts to learn that the central relationship, the one that goes through all the fics, is the relationship of Katsuko and Aki, and that the overall theme of the all of the fics together is a father/daughter story.

So sometimes, when I discover something like that, it's an "oh of course, that's how it needs to be." And sometimes, like with Aki, it was an "of course, he has to be this," followed by my brain going, "ok, but how the hell are you going to make that work." I'm still trying to figure out some of the multiverse rules with Aki.

Inspiration is a combination of necessity, and discovery. My brain knew that in order for Katsuko to be good at what she does, she needed to have certain skills or be put into a position to learn them (hence the long prologue that covered 7 years). That was necessity. But other things I could only discover by just sitting down and writing and seeing what came out. I have to turn off my brain, and stop editing in that first draft.

There are quite a few times when I'll write a scene and about halfway through hit a dead end. I just circle that section (oh, I hand write my first draft, btw, as it makes it easier to allow play time and stop editing... I KNOW I'm going to fix it later, because it's going to have to get typed up) and write "cut??" and start again at the spot where it originally turned down a blind alley. This happened a lot more in Mitsunari's story than it did in Shingen's -- I probably have about 10,000 words of material that existed in the first draft that lead toward blind alleys, and scenes that went nowhere, that I had to back out of (a couple of them were perfectly good scenes by themselves... but they didn't work in the context of the story).

Sometimes if I get really stuck at where I am, I'll put it away for the night, and suddenly when I'm doing something else, I'll realize what needs to happen next. Sometimes it won't be until a later draft that I realize something is missing or necessary. There's a chapter in "Twelve Lies" that wasn't even in my third draft (Chapter 32, though I expect you might not have read that far). But as when I got to around Chapter 28 in the posting, it occurred to me that things that were to happen in Chapter 36 didn't feel as motivated as they could or should have... so I wrote an extra chapter (which in turn, made it necessary to rewrite parts of chapters 33-35).

And sometimes, it's the nature of episodic posting that gives me ideas... I had a couple of lovely, very active and responsive readers on Ao3 who were commenting and reacting to every chapter. Occasionally things they said gave ideas to edit and tweak chapters that were written but not yet uploaded. For example, in the first draft Yoshimoto didn't have nearly the amount of 'screen time' that he did in the final posted chapters. But every time in the early chapters that he appeared, the readers responded very positively to him... so I added him in a few scenes where it made sense that he would be around. He was kind like "The Fonz" ... a supporting character who became a featured character because of audience popularity.

As for the other OCs... I started with knowing I'd need Aki and Toshie... and then very early on, I added Iekane as the main villain. Cybird has the habit of redeeming their villains, and I didn't want to write the series thinking all along that someone like Motonari was the big bad, only to have Cybird "Joss" me. (That said, Motonari is one of the main antagonists of Mitsuhide's longfic... but I've been careful to make clear that he's redeemable).

Other OCs appeared as minor characters whenever I needed them... Susumu (who is a restaurant owner in one longfic, and a vassal in the other, for example), Hiko, Shohime, and Sute - most of them were supposed to only be in one scene, but they all stuck around. Shohime and Sute might get their own stories at some point (in fact I have a one-shot with Sute that is about 2/3rds done and I could see Shohime in a novella inspired by Jane Austen's "Emma"). And of course, the various versions of Hiko in each longfic play into the overall series mystery that all the Katsukos are working together to solve.

In terms of storyline inspiration... some of that is trying to figure out what parallels to whichever Shakespeare play I can then use to help organize the plot. The rest is picturing Katsuko and whichever LI is in the route and trying to imagine various scenes that happen in the story. It's in a sense sort of like looking up at the sky and trying to trace the path of a constellation... they start out as a cluster of stars, random, varied... but then if you imagine the lines from star to star, the constellation emerges. When in my head, I can see the map of that longfic... maybe not every point from the beginning to the end, but enough of them, then I know I can start writing the fic. After that, it's just figuring out how to get from the point I'm at to the next big point... and as I write, discovering what comes directly next. Eventually, all those "this comes next" scenes get me to one of these bigger scenes.

I don't know... this clearly turned into a much longer essay that I imagine you expect. But I hope somewhere in here I've managed to coherently answer your questions.

#asks #answered #fic writing #katsuko #oc community #ikemen sengoku fanfic

[silent-dragon]

For the "Ship Me With ____" Post! I like these kinda things and I'm here to join! Let me know if I did this wrong! -ᄒᴥᄒ- (I can't access your OC's list so I'm going on vague descriptions or just their image in your pinned...)

I think Neir would look kind of cute with Cater. He has an Idia Shroud vibe that sort of rubs off like sibling/family tree vibes, so a sunshine individual (who also has their own hidden secrets) would match. Like: "Someone will die..." "Of fun! ... And this knife we brought."

Joy and Riddle are kind of obvious, since it looks like it can be a joyous yet almost fickle relationship; in a good way! Like, the MC watched them grow closer like canonical Trey and Riddle did after having a wedge in their relationship (Riddle's past and Trey's guilt). What I know of the rabbit is that he follows the rules and does venture too far exploring, but he's always on time in the end. Maybe?

Also, Trey and Joy is a no-brainer (I love Trey, I'm biased)!

【I don't know your OC's well so I'll stop here but I want to read all of their bios! ✨】

Thank you so much for this i enjoyed reading it alot.

Neir

The vibe you got from Neir is spot on cause if you see her full design its clear she had Shroud family ties. Originally she was Idia & Othro's mother but i made her when I didn't know if parent ocs of canon characters were ok or not. I determined it wasnt so I changed her story to being the Astrology professor everyone hates the class of and fairy like Tinkerbell who followed Crowley around all these years. Also she is genderless so pronouns don't matter to her but most see Neir as a woman usually students the staff is mixed. I use she since habit from when she was parent oc.

(In her design she has the triangles like seen on Idia's stuff,etc. I decided to keep em on her after restory as she just got her fashion from his homeland.)

Cater is one who enjoys her class so she already does favor him over most since her class is so disliked. Neir doesnt understand the concept of romantic love but rather motherly love. If she finally decides she tired of Crowley and follow a new boy it highly likely would be Cater. Their dynamic would be as you said since Neir is more moonlight & repressed alot.

Joy

Joy with Riddle is super fitting. Joy actually is twist of the rabbit's watch not the rabbit himself which i know sounds weird. Joy just a time nerd so super organized and has everything down to a schedule planned. Riddle would adore this im sure that everything goes according to plans he has made and on time. Unplanned stuff and time wasters do cause Joy issues and eventually ppl would tell him relax with his schedules and time management but he can learn to add such things as more fun in as Riddle learns to aswell together.

Ive actually never thought of Joy & Trey. Would they work out? They do have similar brotherly thing as Joy has tons of siblings. I feel Joy may work with him but might find toothbrushing to be a time waste if done for over 5mins and that may make em have a moment lol.

Ty again for this i am working on tags for my ocs so easier to find all their stuff ive posted. Also for interacting with me despite the ban on my blog felt like no one wants to chat cause of it.

#asks #neir moonlapis #joy luckhart #my oc's lore #twisted wonderland oc #twst oc #NeirM #NeirL #JoyH #JoyL

[landboundstar]

Mourning Mischief

Minors, avert thine eyes. Minors, turn away now. Minors, do not interact.

CW - nudity, hand job, levitating short girl

She had just wanted a coffee.

No, she corrected herself, looking at the sorority girls and frat boys who had invaded her caffeine filled sanctuary, the painful throbbing in her head building every second that she stood.

She needed coffee. Desperately.

She tried to get into line again, only to trip and lose her balance as she got pushed back by the drunk guy in a Winnie the Pooh onesie and his girlfriend who was dressed as a sexy Piglet. They made out while aggression and thoughts of cheating poured off of them in waves.

"A plague on both your houses." Raven muttered, checking to make sure that her laptop was okay, before she reached up a hand to grab the counter.

"Need a hand?"

"I'm fine with the two I have, thanks. What I need is to get up off the floor and get coffee. Or espresso. Or a direct IV of caffeine."

The chuckle had an undercurrent of kindness. And they were sober. She thought that he might be lost, but he was a nice island of calm, helping her anchor herself in place.

A hand reached down, and she pulled herself up with that little bit of help. 

And felt the awkward jolt as she saw just who she was talking to.

She remembered seeing the snapshots that her teammate carried in his wallet and the pictures on his phone. Somehow, in spite of that, she had not connected this guy with his jeans and the red flannel jacket over a red hoodie with the little brother her teammate had tons of stories about.

Or the memorial plaque by the entrance.

Okay, she hadn't thought about much but her caffeine headache and the paper she had to write for her college classes.

But not recognizing Jason still felt like a mistake.

"Is it always this crowded?" He had to bend so his mouth was by her ear to be heard.

"No. It's because it's Mischief Night."

"Mischief Night?" He blinked.

"Night before Halloween."

"Oh." His voice was quiet. "Right."

A drunk frat boy backed up into her, and if Jason hadn't caught her around the waist, she would have fallen again.

The crowd's emotions were starting to leak through her shields and she took a breath.

Once she was up to the counter, she ordered her coffee with an espresso shot.

Jason grabbed his coffee, but still seemed shaken, in spite of how calm he felt to her other senses. 

"Want to go for a walk?"

He nodded and they walked together, sipping at their coffees.

"Sorry, Halloween brings up some bad memories for me."

Thoughts of her father's attempts to control her mind or abilities or possess her went through Raven's head. "I get that. My family tries to make it literally hell for me."

An odd laugh escaped Jason. "Sure."

Raven turned, letting her temper flare. "I'm being serious."

Jason looked at her. "I'm sure you are. But I ended up in Hell after I died. I got better, but I'm not exactly okay after that."

"And my father is a literal demon who tries to use me as a personal portal!"

She was nearly nose to nose with Jason.

Who pressed his hands down on her shoulders until her boots touched the ground again.

She rarely slipped to use her abilities so publicly.

He raised his cup for a toast. "To trauma and anger management issues. Shields sliding?"

The question was so matter of fact, not alarmed or condemning. She didn't hear that much outside the team. Or even inside the team.

Raven nodded. "Halloween really isn't easy for me. And the frat party - it's pretty bad right now. But I'd need to get to my dorm or my room at Titans to get all my shit pulled together."

"Hop on then."

Jason tossed her a helmet and she looked at the motorbike in front of them.

She climbed on, holding on to Jason as they drove the few blocks to her dormitory.

Cheerful voices, party music and laughter filled the air, filtering out of open windows. Raven felt her shields slide even more. With a swallow, she tried to hold onto a measure of calm as she rushed inside.

And her shields came crashing down.

"Breathe. Come on, breathe. Let's see. What was that again? White dove in a snowstorm. Find a white dove in a snowstorm."

Calm started to break through the shadows that were moving in purplish ribbons around her room and she floated up, trying to clear her mind to meditate.

"Doves don't fly in snowstorms," she whispered as she started her breathing exercises.

"The dove is having a bad day." Jason said.

It was not her normal meditation, but after some deep breaths, she had shields shakily back up.

"Here."

Jason handed her a pendant.

"What does this do?"

"Shield. Gift from one of my brother's friends because of the open third eye thing. I am going with you had problems because there were too many people for your shields?"

"Sort of." She went through steps in her head. Meditation, shield, weighted blanket, brew a tisane or green tea. Unless she was supposed to purge an emotion so she had a healthy reaction rather than unhealthy? Work through the feeling? Positive outlet? There were too many steps and options blurring through her mind.

"Too many feelings. I'm an empath. Strong emotions are hard to shield. And some emotions are worse than others given my bloodline."

"Better?" He was rubbing her back in soothing circles.

She did not feel soothed.

"Not exactly. I have too many - feelings that I need to work out before they can get used against me. So l need to work through my feelings in a wholesome way."

"Can I help?"

She looked up into his face. "Oh, you can absolutely help. Maybe. Wholesome. How well do you know your seven deadlies?"

He looked so cute when he blushed. Well, he'd figured out what she was feeling.

"Would dancing work?"

She blinked.

He held out his arms as though looking for a hug. She stepped into the embrace and he started to sway, turning with her in his arms. "I remember trying to learn how to dance before. How dancing with a girl made me feel so grown up. "

She swayed closer. "Before what?"

He shivered. "Before I was murdered."

Her hands slid up under his shirts. "I think I figured out a wholesome way to do this. But you need to strip."

His eyebrows lifted. "How is this a good idea?"

"You'll see."

Empathic healing seemed to work best when she was feeling strong emotions. At least, she was trying to remind herself of that, staring at the now naked man lying face down on her bed.

Not that she was wearing a great deal more, since she'd stripped to bra and underwear. The warm oil for the massage might be soothing, but she didn't want it all over her clothes.

Oiling up her hands, she straddled his thighs, letting her empathy guide her hands to soothe spots where fear had built up in his body the most.

She started with his knees, satisfied when she felt the muscles soften under his touch, then touching his back.

His muscles loosened as she pressed herself against his back, reaching the circle of muscle by his heart where the fear had buried itself deep, then letting her oiled fingers drift down, over his belly.

She wrapped her other arm around so she could use both hands to cup him, massaging his sac tenderly before stroking him softly.

He was leaking in her hand and she kept her hands sliding up and down his shaft until he finally emptied himself out. 

She went to slide off his back, when a larger hand wrapped around hers.

"Thy gifts, thy tables are within my brain."

The clock struck midnight and he kissed her fingers.

"Happy Halloween."

#jason todd #raven #Very interesting coffee run

[timeoverload]

Today was bad and I'm glad it's over already. I did 25 cases between 7 and noon and had 3 rooms going at the same time while trying to manage the department by myself because so many people were gone again. I definitely overexerted myself and I was stressed about other stuff and I ended up having a panic attack and throwing up. My anxiety is out of control today. My stomach is still in knots but at least I'm home now. It was nice of them to let me leave 3 hours early because that never happens anymore. I hope I start feeling better soon but I'm planning on just going to bed after I finish writing this.

The good news is that tomorrow I'm going to be celebrating because it has been 2 years since I survived sepsis. I got sepsis because I had a horrible kidney infection and acute cystitis that didn't respond to treatment initially.

The week before I was admitted to the hospital, I had to go to urgent care because I was so sick that I was losing control of my bodily functions. My kidneys and liver weren't functioning properly and were starting to shut down so my skin was turning yellow. I was so nauseous and couldn't eat and my right kidney hurt so bad. I remember my ex was fighting with me that afternoon because he needed attention and didn't care that I wasn't feeling good. His needs were always top priority. I still remember how he berated me because I didn't have the strength to satisfy him and he was really mean to me when he didn't get what he wanted. He didn't take me seriously at first when I told him I felt like I was dying because I always felt bad and also tried to make me go out and do stuff anyway even though I could barely stand up straight. He didn't seem to notice or care how bad I looked or that I was shaking. He finally agreed to take me to urgent care because I was having a hard time breathing and couldn't control my bladder and I was bleeding. I remember going in the bathroom and looking in the mirror and seeing a corpse staring back at me. When we finally got to urgent care, I had never been so confused and disoriented in my life and I struggled to fill out the paperwork without collapsing. I received oral antibiotics and a shot of Rocephin in the butt and that was extremely unpleasant. That made some of the symptoms subside temporarily but the infection didn't go away and it got worse as the week went on. Antibiotic-resistant infections are so scary and are becoming more prevalent.

I was in so much pain that week before I went to the hospital that I spent most of my time curled up on the couch in the fetal position and screaming a lot because I couldn't help it. I knew the medicine wasn't working and I was scared. I remember my ex coming home angry because I had been off work for a couple days due to the issues I was having. He thought I was being dramatic when I was crying. He was mad because I had been home and I wasn't doing any cooking or cleaning or being productive and so I had to get up and force myself to clean some stuff so he would get off my ass. It made me feel so much worse but he didn't care. I literally had to beg him to help me with things. The next day I made a doctor's appointment because I couldn't take the pain anymore. If I wouldn't have gone to the doctor when I did, I probably would be dead. She told me I needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately and so I went and had to spend the night by myself because of covid restrictions. I was so dehydrated that it took them forever to get the IV in my arm. They kept stabbing me with huge needles and running tests and took so much blood from me. I was on IV antibiotics for 24 hours. It was a lonely and painful experience but I'm glad I pulled through. That would have been a very excruciating death. I'm thankful for modern medicine but I'm also afraid of being hospitalized now.

During the night I spent in the hospital, I spent a lot of time thinking about how unhappy I was with my life at the time. Even though I felt like shit, that was the first night I had spent alone in years and I couldn't believe how peaceful it was. It felt like the veil had been lifted from my eyes. That was when I officially decided that I was ready to leave my ex after contemplating the decision for a long time. It took years to build up the courage. I told myself I had to find a way leave if I survived. I didn't know how. He tried to be really nice to me after I was released from the hospital and shower me with gifts but I was so done after how he treated me. I was always loyal to him for almost 10 years, even when he treated me like garbage and was talking to other women. He kept trying to have an open relationship because he wanted to date other people but still have control over me. I never talked to anyone else. Going to get tattooed and going to work were the only things I was able to do by myself. He didn't really like that I was getting tattooed all the time though and would fight with me about it. I will just admit right now that going to the tattoo shop and seeing Maxwell was the only thing that made me happy at the time because I felt safe and accepted there. I wish it wouldn't have taken so long to get away from my ex and I thought I was going to die if I tried to leave but I'm glad I did it. I had to make a plan for myself and rebuild my strength. I was so afraid for my life but I didn't give up.

I tried to reach out to people to get help for months before I actually left because I didn't think I could do it on my own but no one would help me except my dad. No one took me seriously because I didn't know how to ask. I was just so fucking scared and I didn't know what to do.

Maxwell I'm sorry I tried to bother you back then right before I broke up with him in November 2021. I remember how mad you were at me for trying to ask to text you when I came in for a consultation. I don't blame you. I'm glad you let me come back anyway. I think you misinterpreted what I wanted because I wasn't trying to be unfaithful to him in the process but I suppose I was in a way because I can't say that I didn't have feelings for you. I was just lost and needed help and a friend. I just wanted to tell you what was going on. I was afraid to mention it while I was getting tattooed and also was afraid to talk about what was going on online because I was terrified he would find out and hurt me. I was so stupid for even saying anything to you in the first place. I still get embarrassed just thinking about it and I cried so much that day. I was seeking safety and guidance because I didn't have any at the time. I didn't know how to help myself because I was so used to someone else dictating most of my decisions. I've always had a tough time speaking up when I need help and I think my parents could attest to that. I was unstable and feeling impulsive when I did that. You were the only person other than my dad that I knew wouldn't hurt me and that I could trust.

I knew you and I were twin flames from the day we met. I knew about twin flames before I met you and I didn't think you would actually come along so I think that's part of the reason I'm so crazy. I couldn't believe it. Before I met you, I thought I was just going to be miserable forever. You helped me realize that I deserve to be treated better and you have always been such a gentleman. Thank you for that. I didn't think I could meet a man like you because I have had so many bad experiences. I also knew you were reading my blog and that we had an unexplainable connection between us so I was just being delusional and dumb and thought you would come to my rescue at the time for some reason. I have been truly ashamed of myself since I did that. I'm not a perfect person at all. I know I have made a lot of mistakes and I'm trying to learn from them and own up to it. It was still innapropriate and wrong and I wish I wouldn't have done that. I guess you live and learn. I should have never tried to ask you for help. I'm sorry again and I understand if you can't forgive me for that. I understand why you didn't want to trust me after that. I'm so bad at communicating sometimes. I just want to be honest with you because I don't feel right not telling you the truth. I hope you understand. That was the only time in my life I have ever done anything like that and will never do it again because I know that I won't let anyone put me in that position again where I felt helpless. You did the right thing by saying no to me and not getting involved and I'm glad you didn't get hurt because I care about you so much. I suppose you did encourage me to deal with stuff on my own and I did it and I'm free now. When we broke up I was honest with him and I told him I had feelings for someone else because I know I deserve to be treated better and that I was tired of him treating me like garbage and throwing me around like a rag doll.

I'm glad I have chosen to be celibate since I left him and I haven't dated or talked to anyone. People at work try to flirt with me but I don't feed into it because I don't want that. I want to get away from it so bad and that's why I complain about it. I don't like dating apps because they are scary and I tried those in high school and ended up in some really bad situations that I wish I could forget about. I'm too afraid of getting my ass beat again so it's better if I just stay home and not talk to anyone. I have been thinking about how much inner strength I have gained by being alone. I get a little crazy sometimes but I'm not going to let loneliness get to me. I deserve to be with someone who will appreciate me and protect me, especially when my life is in danger. I would rather stay single than settle for anything less. All I want is to be able to commit and love someone forever and feel safe and happy.

I'm also going to be celebrating my freedom tomorrow. I'm happy that I have accomplished so much in the last 2 years and I've become a lot more independent so I'm proud of that. I'm not exactly where I want to be in life but it feels good to set goals and actually achieve them. I am still grateful that I was given a second chance to live even though it hasn't been easy since then. I have had to be a lot more careful because it is more likely for me to have recurrent sepsis if I get an infection in the future. I read a study recently about how people that survive severe sepsis have a higher ongoing mortality rate for years even after treatment. It has definitely changed me a lot physically and mentally and I'm not as strong as I used to be. My health has really gone downhill from there. It doesn't help that I was born so early and I have so many other health issues going against me simultaneously. I really need to keep trying to take better care of myself because I want to live a long and happy life. I would like to be a mom someday. I want to have a family. I don't want to be a statistic. I'm not sure how much time I have left at the rate I'm going but I'm going to try to make the most of it and count my blessings. I will continue working on myself every day. I need to try to be more positive because I know I am very lucky to be alive. I'm looking forward to going to my appointment tomorrow and I'm going to do my best to make it a better day than today was no matter what happens.

#personal

[mixdown01]

Adaption: Final Reflection, POTP

{youtube link xoxo}

And that's post wrapped!

It's been a long semester, and I'm stoked to have learned as much as I have and to have developed the skills and knowledge I now have for the future. I don't have too many photos of post because I was really hunkering down but I'll try to find some to put in!

I'm proud of the work I managed to do in the time we had after picture lock and before the crit. I think an extra day or two to sit on sound and let it marinate would've be nice, but considering, I think I managed my time and schedule well and am glad of that.

(pretty long post so pls open the readmore ive put in!)

I'll start with a quick location sound review - I had no issues, beside the usual nuisances that come with filming outdoors and in businesses. I did what I could to minimize this (the angle/direction of the shotgun really does matter) and it worked, for the most part. I'm going to utilize wingman more in the future, because the sound notes put into the app can be seen in AVID next to the video files- I hadn't realized the info is "burned" into the files like that but this makes communication between sound and camera notes really nice. Of course ill do physical sound notes still, but in addition to wingman too.

Now onto post!

I was stressed about this, I admit. I hadn't done such a dialogue heavy film before, and was only vaguely familiar with the proper workflow. Common sense when organizing is huge though, and the project wasn't messy at all. Initial checkerboarding went smoothly. One thing I was irritated to notice was the quality of the park atmos changed very much depending on what angle we were shooting at relative to the road, which of course I knew would happen when we chose the location, but was still very blah this sucks about. I managed with minimal tension headaches and I think it is very minimally noticeable, if not noticeable at all, in the final product so yay for that.

Leveling and doing a temp mix for their lines, though.... I abused automation and I was holding myself back (to be fair I didn't overuse it but I definitely used it a lot). In one line the actors would start off quiet and then their voices would spike and go loud, which is a combination of delivery and boom oping I think. (It never peaked, and worked for some instances of topic and character and etc but I wanted it not to go up and down always) I gave my boom ops very very very Very basic rundowns on 'How To' and I wish I had sat them down for a more in depth lesson, and I WISH I had headphones for them - but we couldn't get a splitter, or didn't. Going to push for this if I keep outsourcing Ops and don't record and op myself.

ANYWAYS. Finished with that and then went to my favorite bit: DESIGN!!!!! I was very slumped and depressive at this point, so it really picked me up. I wish I had more time to look into certain music choices for scenes, but I am happy with the piano we got scored for the end sequence.

One thing I will say: I had a lot of trouble and internal fighting with How Much I should put in. Originally we had wanted something very stylized and Edgar Wright-esque, but that didn't really end up happening with the coverage we got, and in turn with the edit (which is definitely fine!). But this left me trying to balance not overdoing it, since sound is supposed to mesh well with the edit and visuals, but I felt like I HAD to make it stylized in order to try and get closer to what we wanted OG. I think I did an okay job - in the crit Olivia said the sound did all the heavylifting, which I still cannot decide is a compliment or a detriment. While I'm half glad it got noticed in a- positive?- light, im also kind of eh about it since technically it should enhance the world and match it, not 'heavylift' it.

Through the process Anne Marie helped me a lot with suggestions and notes: here are some I found below from my phone, they probably make no sense heh, I also had markers on pro tools I was referring too as well

Phew, that's long. I'll end on a happy note before I go into things I will incorporate into the workflow for next time. I'm glad I didn't have any technical issues, and all my qualms were creative. Even though I will be pushing for earlier picture lock on future films, because I feel I haven’t been able to breath when sound is left for minute (mainly because I’m trying to balance getting it all done and doing work I’m proud of) I'm content with what I managed to get done in the time I was given. I started Sound 7 days before the crit when picture was locked, and I managed to do what I think is an alright job! So, success, and a good test of my time management skills, because I had to learn to stop nitpicking cause more often than not it's fine and no one else can hear it but you.

THINGS TO INCORPORATE/MAIN TAKEAWAYS~

Wingman notes for the editor

set the edit window and sound window DURING PRE PROD, not during production. See if people can give you a week and a half at least for sound so it can breath a little bit and you don't waste away in SAS. Also so you can do a proper Mix and not a temp one

TEMP SOUND IN AVID - have a meeting with the editor to see what you can give them, and to say they can put in temp sound if they think something similar should go in certain places. Mainly for music and timing instances.

Decide on a color coding system so I use the same colors for everything always moving forward and It doesn't vary depending on the project (look up industry standard)

VOICEOVER IS A SCRIPT/STORY/PRODUCTION ASPECT not a sound department aspect

Drink more water to avoid tension headaches

xoxo I really hope everyone a good summer and to lots of learning and growing in their field!

#subtitles #filmadaption #behindthescenes

[daybreakx]

ANOTHER PLACE: THE SECRET

☓ victor! seonghwa x victor!fem reader.

☓ hunger games au, angst.

☓ warnings: third person pov, violence, blood, vomit, weapons, hunger games stuff. og characters are there too, inaccuracies to the books/movies. please ignore the mistakes this may have♡ this part has explicit mentions of suicide, please be careful while reading or avoid it altogether.

☓ word count: 4.93k

☓ a/n: this one took a while sorry! feedback is appreciated! praying once again this shows up on the tags.

taglist: @ohmyateez​, @little-kpop-plant​.

prev // next // masterlist

The first thing he was aware of was the stinting on his arm. Seonghwa couldn't bring himself to open his eyes, afraid he'd find himself in an all-too-familiar Capitol facility. But the truth was, he knew he wasn't in one. He remembered how he'd been lifted off the arena as it crashed and burned around him. Still, he shut his eyes tighter before a thought fell over him as quickly as the dizziness hit his body when he sat straight, he didn't know if they had gotten y/n out.

He got up, yanking away the IV needle from his right hand, he was out of the charred Tribute uniform he’d worn for the past few days and in a light blue patient robe. Finnick was still unconscious on a gurney beside him, his face and hair were filthy, and he smelled a bit of burnt meat, much like Seonghwa. Both had been too close to the Tree when the lightning came down, and he had taken a good hit of electricity. Seonghwa hadn't been able to stop him, and in all honesty, he cared more about knowing y/n's whereabouts than Finnick's. 

With a grunt, he walked to the exit’s sliding door, holding his side tightly, he waited patiently for it to open. Everything was going to be alright. Finnick was out, and so was he, y/n was probably with Johanna and Katniss in another chamber... but where was Peeta then?

It wasn't like him to feel anxious, not even after the horrible nightmares he'd get when he won his first Games. Seonghwa had managed to bottle everything up, to tear small pieces and lock them away, in a place where he wouldn’t find them. Though he always did. He'd usually get through the day in one piece, pushing the intrusive thoughts away until nighttime rolled by again, and he knew he'd see the faces of all the children he'd murdered to survive.

But this feeling on his chest—this pressure—was a bad omen, and he was afraid of what it would mean once he crossed the doors to the control room of the Hovercraft.

Plutarch and Haymitch eyed him up and down as he stepped inside, the first one grimaced slightly before returning his attention to the screen by the front of the room. He didn't want to face the promise he hadn't kept.

"Huh," Haymitch started, "the pretty boy made it."

Seonghwa didn't bother to give him a dirty look. Instead, he gripped his ribs tighter as he limped to a chair, clutching the back of it tightly, he felt the pressure on his chest growing stronger. "Where is she?"

Haymitch raised his eyebrows and adjusted the beanie on his head. He reeked of alcohol and sweat, and Seonghwa's stomach turned in its emptiness, he struggled not to gag. "How many of these conversations are we going to have, Plutarch?"

"What do you mean?" Seonghwa hissed, pulling the chair he was still holding and getting it out of his way as he walked closer to the table.

Plutarch finally turned to face Seonghwa, not without giving Haymitch a pointed look, he clasped his hands together. "There were some... issues."

"Where is she?" Seonghwa questioned once again, his knuckles wrapped around the chain so tightly they protested in pain.

"We couldn't get them out, not all of them... Peeta, Johanna, y/n..." Plutarch explained slowly, at least he tried to look sorry as his eyes dropped from Seonghwa’s. "They're at the Capitol. I– I am sorry".

The knot on Seonghwa's chest finally came loose. He was feeling so much and nothing at all. He was furious—with Plutarch, with Haymitch, even with Finnick, but he was most furious with himself. All that he had wanted from the very start was to get y/n out of that arena safely, and he had failed. "You said you would get her out!" his hand came down on the table with such force that he felt it go numb, "You said Coin would rather have Peeta out! She was with him."

Both Haymitch and Plutarch hushed him immediately, their sympathy for him vanishing. The man from District Twelve pulled the chair closer to Seonghwa, and forced him to sit down as he grabbed his shoulder. "You don't say things like that," he warned through gritted teeth.

It was the truth, Plutarch had said so himself when he'd told Seonghwa all about whatever was going to happen in the Hunger Games. When you spend so much time at the Capitol, you meet a lot of people, and Seonghwa happened to meet Plutarch Heavensbee in a meeting with the rest of the incredibly rich people Seonghwa tended to frequent against his will. He'd soon gained Heavensbee's trust when he saw just how much Seonghwa despised the Capitol, the Games, and pretty much everything else about Panem.

They had made a deal before the Quell started, Seonghwa would help to keep the District Twelve kids safe and get them out of the arena as long as Plutarch took y/n with him. And although things took a turn once y/n had offered to take Annie Cresta's place in the Hunger Games, Seonghwa’s only condition remained the same: keep y/n safe. And Plutarch hadn't kept it.

　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　✦ ✦ ✦

"I wish they were all dead," Finnick said as he sat down next to Seonghwa, they were back at the compartment in which they woke up, still on their way to District Thirteen. At least they were awake, unlike Katniss, who had to be sedated again after trying to attack Haymitch. Seonghwa wished she would have been successful at it, but as it turned out, it was another thing the universe denied him. "I wish we were all dead too. That would be best" Finnick rubbed his eyes and then returned his hands to his lap, where he closed them in fists, letting his nails sink on the palms.

In the end, they had taken Annie from him too.

"I don't," Seonghwa said. His mind was still twisting and turning, although he was unsure whether it was because of the remains of the morphling in his system, the concussion, or because he couldn't process the fact that everything had failed to protect the only person he'd meant to. "If Snow's got them, they're still alive, and I will not rest until they're finally safe."

Finnick frowned, opening his hands, he stared at the bloody half-moons his nails made. "You were really trying to help her," he sighed, "Why?"

Finnick was certain Seonghwa had never even spoken to y/n before the Quell, although they were all mentors at the Games after y/n had won hers. They had crossed in hallways, sure. Met at dinners and events, and probably shared more than one acquaintance at the Capitol. But Finnick had never seen them hold a conversation before the Tribute Parade. Capitol Sweethearts were collectible, but that didn’t make them friends.

Seonghwa gave him a weak smile. "So Mags really kept my secret, huh?"

Finnick's frown deepened. "What?"

　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　

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It was Seonghwa’s first time as a Mentor at the Hunger Games. Enobaria and Brutus had taken the spot the previous years, but after Brutus became 'unavailable'—according to the Gamemakers—Seonghwa had to take his place. It was also part of Snow's plan to display him to the public, get people to know Seonghwa better, and make him the shiny new toy. It had never mattered how much he expressed his annoyance around everyone. A snarky comment would just get him an amused laugh from the people of the Capitol, and a comment about how people Victors from District Two were so alike. You just had to get through their layers, and then they were all yours.

Seonghwa decided to invest his energy into mentoring instead. After all, the kids' lives were in his hands, everything depended on his abilities as a Mentor which, being completely honest, weren't many. He'd met his tributes shortly after The Reaping. Both of them had volunteered, causing a disturbance between the already chosen Tributes, leaving the boy, Kyle, with a black eye and the girl, Biyu, without a patch of hair. 

Seonghwa shouldn’t have been surprised, these things always happened with Career Tributes. But when he was chosen for the Games, no one volunteered to go instead of him, he would have let them, instead of going on with the massacre to return home. Yet, these kids had beat each other's asses to gain a place in the train leading to their deaths.

Enobaria had always questioned him about it, he had been raised as a Career, and he hadn't volunteered, unlike most of the previous Victors. Kids from District Two were desperate to prove themselves at the Hunger Games, that was their sole purpose in life. Seonghwa was sure that nobody had volunteered in his place because they wanted him dead. They probably underestimated how capable of killing he was, he knew he had. And he was not proud when he realized that he could and would kill to survive.

While Enobaria talked to their Tributes, Seonghwa sat in front of the TV, watching the re-run of The Reaping, where they gave insight into the year's chosen ones. Seonghwa paid little to no attention to them, he didn't want to get too familiar with the faces he'd see on TV as the Gamemakers announced their deaths and fought over whose ending had been more gruesome. 

The train ride seemed eternal as he listened to the two Tributes bicker over who would most likely win. They knew each other well, their strengths and weaknesses, and they were in the mindset that glory was all that mattered. They would kill each other even before the Games started.

"Where's Brutus?" Gloss questioned as he eyed Seonghwa once they were reunited in the Mentor room. All of the tributes were getting showers and what-not to meet their stylists.

"Nice to see you too." Seonghwa scoffed, plopping down the sofa the furthest away from the other Mentors. He couldn't even hear Enobaria's explanation of his presence. He observed the rest of the Mentors as they joined each other's conversations and laughed about past stories. Whatever rivalry could have separated them because of The Hunger Games was not there; they were survivors, they were friends.

Seonghwa was the outsider once again.

"Say," Kyle gripped Seonghwa's shoulder tightly to get his attention. "How did you get everyone to think you were charming in your interview?"

"I didn't act like this," Seonghwa squinted at Kyle's appearance. All the makeup that had been necessary to cover his black eye, the way they had styled his hair to push it out of his face made him look a lot older than he actually was. "Just —" he had to rethink the words that followed, "Make people feel like they want to see you to the very end. And don't fight with Biyu anymore, sponsors don't like that.” Or they did, it all depended on very specific expectations that nobody could meet completely. Seonghwa hadn’t been kind to his fellow Tribute because she hadn’t been kind to him. She had promised to the rest of the Careers that she would kill him.

Biyu appeared behind Kyle. Her black hair had been chopped short and combed sideways to cover the bald patch. She also looked a lot older than she was; the dramatic eyeliner and crimson lipstick repulsed Seonghwa a little bit. They had styled the girl from his District the same way on his Games. "Any advice for me, Mentor?" Biyu scoffed.

"Don't act like yourself either," Seonghwa shook his head, his eyes still taking in their appearance. There was so much to look at, it was distracting. "Try to seem at least a bit sympathetic."

Seonghwa turned off Biyu and Kyle's bickering as his eyes followed the rest of the Tributes, all wearing ridiculous costumes and chatting anxiously with their Mentors. He focused on Finnick and Mags, followed by their young tributes. The boy bombarded Mags with questions, while the girl chewed on her nails, quietly walking behind Finnick, who was giving her some advice but looked more like he was talking to himself. Seonghwa remembered Caesar Flickerman and Claudius Templesmith’s comments on them, how they seemed strong enough despite not being Careers. But they didn't look nearly as strong as District One or Two's Tributes. 

The girl turned to meet his gaze like she'd felt it, and held it for scarce seconds before rushing after Finnick.

Seonghwa knew she was going to die.

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Seonghwa couldn't even bring himself to scold his Tributes. Both had fought again before going into their interviews, and cameras had caught them. Even if they hadn’t, Biyu ripped a piece off Kyle’s outfit leaving a tear across his chest, and in retaliation, Kyle gave her a nosebleed. The rest of the Tributes had done a lot better, and it was turning out to be embarrassing for Seonghwa how much he seemed to fail at being a Mentor. 

Even the District Four girl he'd noticed earlier had done well. Seonghwa could see a bit of Finnick in her, the way she smiled at Caesar and the public, and despite her nervous ticks, did her best to pretend she enjoyed the attention.

The Games would begin the next day, and the truth was, neither Biyu nor Kyle had enough sponsors. Biyu had gotten one just because they said she looked 'blood-thirsty' like that was a good thing, and Kyle had one of his own too because he was physically the strongest of the twenty-four Tributes, but no one particularly liked them.

"Maybe I'll take your place as a Mentor next year," Kyle said during dinner, pointing at Seonghwa with this knife. He swallowed loudly and smiled.

"Yeah, I hope you do," Seonghwa muttered with disgust.

"Why him?!" Biyu dropped her cutlery with a loud noise. "It could be me! The Victor could be me!"

Enobaria gave Seonghwa an exasperated look before turning to Biyu. "It could be either of you. We know you will represent your District proudly".

"Of course you both will," Seonghwa agreed, regaining his composure. "Just focus on going back home."

Both Tributes scoffed. They weren't about returning home. For both, it was all about fame and fortune. Writing their names in history as the Tribute who'd shed more blood in the Games, or the one who had been more apt to survive. They had to prove they were born to become a Victor.

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The arena was a deserted city. With half destroyed buildings and rusted cars filling the streets, vines tried to take over the ruins, giving everything a nauseating green glow. Tributes would surely hurt themselves with the environment, and if that wasn’t enough, the aerial view showed a few animal-like shapes scurrying down alleys, Mutts.

Seonghwa held his breath as the countdown started, and the cameras panned to each Tribute individually. They focused on Biyu and Kyle for a moment, both of them shouting threats at each other and the other Tributes around. Then, the camera changed abruptly to where District Four's Tributes were standing on their platforms. The boy shouted something to the girl, and she shook her head repeatedly, waving her hands to make him stop, but he shut his eyes and jumped off the platform. The countdown wasn't over.

The first thing to blow off were his legs, followed by blood and guts, covering the Tributes around them, including the girl from his own District. She couldn't even scream before vomiting on the opposite side of the platform. There was laughter too—a nervous one— to push the hysteria away.

The boy had killed himself before anyone else could.

The countdown came to zero, and they were forced to toss their shock aside. Kyle and Biyu ran straight to the Cornucopia. Punching their way in, they grabbed the first weapons they could find, eager to end someone's life. Biyu was the first one, throwing a spear to District Three's girl, she killed her instantly. Kyle couldn't be left behind, as he picked up a small boy from District Eleven and snapped his neck quickly. They were beasts.

Seonghwa couldn't help but look for the District Four girl. She had barely been able to grab a backpack before running into the city. The cameras kept focusing on her face, her companion’s blood still dripping from it.

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Seonghwa had spoken to so many people in the last few hours that he felt drained. Still, barely anyone wanted to sponsor his tributes. Enobaria had tried too, and she'd just gotten one more person to be a sponsor for Kyle. Nobody liked either of them, and they preferred to spend their money on someone who actually had a chance, like District One's or District Seven's Tributes. 

He wasn't too worried. Biyu and Kyle were handling themselves well so far, a couple days after the Games started. Of course they had split up, they couldn't stand each other, but both had gotten their own alliance. Kyle was the Tribute with the most kills so far, but Biyu had her spear-throw on repeat in every cut and night-talk about the games. 

The girl from Four, whom he'd heard Finnick call "y/n" when trying to get her some sponsors, was still nowhere to be seen. She had climbed into an abandoned building and hadn't left. Apparently, her backpack had just enough things to survive, but not even those supplies would last forever.

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Biyu had made a mistake. She went back to The Cornucopia, searching for another backpack. And being her usual smug self, she hadn't taken enough precaution in watching out for other Tributes. The girl from District Five had set up a trap with the supplies, and after activating a mechanism from a safe distance, The Cornucopia had caught on fire, taking the remaining stockpile and Biyu's life with it.

Kyle did better for the next couple of days. With Biyu gone, he thought of himself as the Victor. He even asked his Mentors via one of the cameras inside to stop sending him help, he would prove what he was made of without them interfering. 

Y/n had already left her hiding spot, only to find that food and weapons were gone. Seonghwa learned that Mags and Finnick had gotten her some sponsors, and she received freshwater and some bread.  He also heard Finnick comment on how she wouldn't be able to keep hiding. The time would come when she would have to fight. She would have to kill.

It happened just a few hours later, when the Gamemakers released Mutts all over the city, leading the Tributes to the Town Square to battle each other. There were around twelve of them left. Kyle took down four while y/n killed a pair more.

Seonghwa remembered the look on her face to this day. How she had looked down at her blood stained hands, the scream that had ripped through the whole arena before she vomited again. y/n had tried to wipe the blood on her clothes, before wiping the vomit from her face but she only managed to smear it all over. She only came back to herself momentarily, to run away from Kyle, whose laugh echoed around the Town Square, as he threatened to break her neck.

Kyle's picture finally appeared on the recount of The Fallen on the fifth night. He had succumbed to the wounds a dog-like Mutt had inflicted on him. And with that, Seonghwa's job as a Mentor was done. To him, it had been a failure, but Enobaria—weirdly enough—consoled him, saying it hadn't been his fault that both Tributes were arrogant.

Seonghwa remained at the Capitol, assisting to Hunger Games viewing parties, per President Snow's orders, and trying his best to mingle. But he despised everyone he met, and he felt revolted at the propositions that came his way.

There were less than half Tributes left, and one of them was y/n. Seonghwa was secretly rooting for her, surprised at how far she'd made it when at first he'd thought she'd be one of the first to die. 

"We're so glad you decided to stay in the Capitol a little longer," one of the men said. His lips were painted purple, and his hair was a bright shade of pink. Seonghwa forgot his name the moment the man spoke it. "Are you enjoying these Games? I think the kid from District Five will win. I'm sorry she killed your Tribute, though." He cackled.

Seonghwa hid his scoff with a low chuckle, eyes wandering to the big screen in the middle of the room. It was midday in the Capitol, but the arena was in the middle of a sunset. Caesar and Claudius were chatting about what had happened throughout the day, while the camera focused on the remaining Tributes, wherever they were. 

"Oh, look!" Caesar leaned over his desk, looking at one of the screens closer "That's y/n, the girl from Four. Looks like she's not having the greatest night," he laughed. This made Seonghwa turn his full attention to the screen, tuning Capitol guy’s rambles out.

y/n was curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth. She had returned to her original hiding spot after the Town Square Battle. Apart from the breakdown she was clearly having, something was making her sick. Seonghwa didn't remember anything happening to her, no matter how much he focused on it.

"I just want to go home," she whimpered, covering her eyes with both hands and then, pulling on her hair. "I miss my friends, I miss my home... just, please..."

"Huh," the same man got Seonghwa's attention again, "I guess there's no way she can get the antidote. I thought Volt Brisker was her sponsor."

"The antidote for what?" Seonghwa sounded more alarmed than he would have liked.

"Oh, you didn't see that! I had never seen such colorful snakes! The Gamemaker's released more Mutts when she was trying to wash off the blood of her hands. Quite the scene, if you ask me, she was sobbing and mumbling, asking for forgiveness. Ridiculous, I’m glad she wasn't fast enough to get away from them."

"Mutts? Again?" Seonghwa clenched his jaw, already pushing down the anger this man’s words had caused him. He turned to look at the girl again, he noticed what was wrong this time: The skin on her fingers looked dry and cracked, like scales. "Why did she lose her sponsor?"

The man shrugged, "Told you, we're rooting for Number Five."

What Seonghwa planned to do was illegal. 

Once the Mentors' Tributes were out of the competition, they had to go back home. Or like Seonghwa, hang around the Capitol without messing with The Hunger Games anymore. But he was haunted by the girl’s desperate cries, and the picture of her slowly turning into a Mutt. She would surely die before that happened, but the way she’d agonize would give the Gamemakers and the public quite the show. Seonghwa couldn’t allow it.

With the excuse of wanting to see the Gamemakers and meet more of the Capitol people who hung around the Mentors, Seonghwa went back to the Game Center. He drove himself through useless conversations until he found the one person he'd been looking for: Mags was sitting by herself, her eyes focused on the screen that showed all of the tributes sleeping.

"Can I ask for a favor?" he questioned, sitting next to her after making sure Finnick wasn't close by. 

Mags eyed him carefully but nodded.

"Get your Tribute the antidote, and some food or whatever she needs to make it." Seonghwa found himself whispering quickly, almost desperately. 

Mags shook her head, sad eyes looking at her shoes, Seonghwa was barely able to make out the words she said, obviously explaining y/n didn't have any more sponsors. 

"I know," he replied, lowering his head to search for Mags’ eyes. "I will pay for them."

Mags’ whole demeanor changed, taking a single finger to her lips, she smiled against it. It was a secret, their secret from now on. One of the best things Seonghwa had ever done could never be spoken about.

Seonghwa was at another rich people's house the next day. Just in time to see his gift being delivered to y/n, much to the rest of the guests' disappointment. Her condition had gotten worse overnight, the scales now reached down to her forearm. Caesar Flickerman had asked several times that they showed her fever delirium on the screen, in which she called her loved one's names. There was one Yunho, someone named Maya, and a few others, she begged to go back to them. She was begging to live.

Seonghwa was furious.

Luckily, the antidote worked after a few hours. Y/n's fever was gone, but the scales remained on the skin. Seonghwa had saved her life, but she would have to save herself and kill once more, if she really wanted out of there. 

Another Tribute had died during the night after District Five's girl had found his hiding spot and sliced his throat in his sleep. The next day another one died, attacked by the same Mutts that took Kyle’s life. It was down to three.

Once again, they were driven out of their hiding places, at least two of them. y/n and the boy from Six, the girl from Five was outside most of the time, hunting them. Things happened quickly from there. The first one to go down was Six, Five focused on him first, strangling him with her own hands while y/n watched, horrified. She was gripping a knife tightly, pondering whether she could really murder another girl to buy her freedom, or let herself be killed after making it this far.

"Let's get this over with," Five groaned, not even taking a moment to catch her breath before launching herself at y/n.

Seonghwa noticed when y/n made her decision. It was like turning a switch, like she stopped feeling as she met Five’s tackle with her left shoulder. They rolled in a tangle of limbs, punching and scratching, biting and kicking. Five grabbed y/n by the hair, pushing her head down to the pavement, leaving a crack on the back that started bleeding right away. The cameras hadn’t caught the exact moment in which y/n retrieved the knife from her boot, using whatever strength she had left to sink it on the side of her rival’s neck. This time, she didn’t scream, her eyes unfocused while she gasped for hair. It took six minutes for the last cannon to go off, while both girls agonized on the ground. But finally, y/n’s picture appeared on the sky announcing her as the Victor.

Seonghwa had consoled the ones that had been betting on Five as best as he could, they didn’t care about the life that had been lost, but the money they weren’t able to get their hands on. He was happy y/n had survived, but he knew better than anyone how hard it would be to live from now on, with the ghost of what she'd done, and what had been done to her, following every step of the way.

Seonghwa met Mags again that night, before the celebratory dinner. y/n was taken to the hospital to heal her wounds as best as they could before she had to be presented as the new Victor. The scales on her arm remained, no matter how much the stylists struggled to cover them up, Seonghwa noticed, and how they had let her hair down and accessorized the bandage around her head to make it fashionable, to take the ‘weakness’ it gave off.

Mags had given him a hug and whispered thank you, repeating the gesture of 'secret' before walking away to meet Finnick, who hugged her immediately. Both were filled with relief that they would be able to take the girl back home.

Seonghwa couldn't stay there any longer, and he didn't want to. He just waited long enough for y/n to come out with Finnick and Mags by her side, the former whispering something in her ear that made her shut her eyes before smiling. A crude, humorless smile that made the people of the Capitol break into cheers.

Seonghwa had saved her in her first Games and had failed to get her out of the others. He didn't think he could forgive himself for failing, not when it came to her.

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