#ive accepted that im behind on doing these daily so im just gonna post them whenever i have them done since they are fun to make | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

macklives · 4 years

Text

hi. so..... its been a while huh? feels kinda weird making a message on here, after what??? a month of not posting at fucking all??

and idk how to say that im sorry for taking so long, especially with kallie kinda sticking with me pretty much the whole time i was away. so we both kinda went AFK on everybody. and by god, this has also been the longest gap between updates. so yeah... i feel you all are owed an explanation.

id like to give a short summary of what went down in my life recently. not so much as an excuse for my disappearance, but bearing in mind, i can't just come back suddenly without a notice as to why it took so long, and then start discussing homestuck theories as if nothing happened, that would be ...weird and off putting. im known as one to talk a lot in a post, so i think its expected. buckle up kiddos, this may be a long one, which you dont have to necessarily read, but im simply putting it out there for you all in case any of you may have been worried or confused.

ALSO, keep in mind im alright with sharing this information because i needed some time to get over it in order to accept it, and being able to say this stuff means im pretty much ready to move on and go back to what it was like before (which for someone who has trouble focussing, can get quite fucking hard). so here's the last few months in a nutshell:

i got my wisdom teeth pulled so i was both in pain and numb for a week and a half after being drugged up with, idk, the IV they use to knock you tf out and that needle to numb your teeth?? and having those bad boys outta my mouth so that was a fun time. fuck that shit.

uhhh on the more upsetting side of things, a friend of mine recently passed away, but i took some time to recover from that. i didnt want to bum everybody out by liveblogging while in that state, nor did i feel like it was right to make jokes at that time (for obvious reasons) so i took some time off. and while i do still care for that person, after a while you have to come to terms that your life can't evolve around grief, and you have to move on eventually. its been a month and im doing way better than i was in the first week. so you dont have to worry really.. i even heard about the messages friends wrote on discord and let me tell you that i appreciate every response, i love all of them, i love all of you guys, but if any of you worry about me as of today, just know im doing perfectly fine and thats behind me now. so yeah, thats the worst of the news..

on less distressing matters, i changed up my job! i used to be a waitress at a restaurant to get that not so mucho money cash flowing, and now i got a full time placement as an intern (sort of full-time. full-time with student conditions). which in hindsight, to some may not sound like its any helpful, but considering im in my final year of college and i have to explore new places to get experience, id rather go where its needed so i reach that specific goal in mind. and you have to start somewhere, so this is where ill start heading. though i do still have to graduate which will take a lot of stress out of me eventually but it hasnt yet caught up lol... yikes to when that fuse blows in the future.

and finally, the most frustrating part of the month, idk who it was specifically, the company or the landlord, but eh details arent that important, anyways, the landlord and/or its agency messed up with our rental situation and lost a lot of our info so i had to spend a lot of time trying to get that back while also filling out tax returns bc those were finally put out. so yeah, we kinda just have to wait for a notice, though i personally think everything will be fine. we’re considering moving out eventually, but thats probably gonna have to wait a bit longer. while we’re still angry, the landlord respected that it was out of line and apologised while making it up to us, so that was fair enough.

so YEAH, you can pretty much say its been one hell of a fucking month, and i had barely any time to liveblog let alone be in contact with friends that i kinda missed so fucking much????... i basically didnt want to bring anybody down with me (emotionally or mentally), so i decided to at least give you all a warning that i wouldnt be on for a while, hence the last update a few weeks prior, and to take a break for myself to figure out my situation, to rest, and to try and get healthier despite that wisdom fuck week, which nobody warned me wisdom teeth removals were ABSOLUTE HELL

but... im glad to be back, im not sure ill get back into the rhythm of how things used to be, meaning, posting almost every day....that would have to wait a bit unfortunately. however, i think it would be best if i made a sort of schedule for myself. maybe a liveblog twice a week, starting the next. it would help out a lot. i hope to start off with that at least, and not push myself too hard for hours anymore nor the stress of needing to post daily. i loved it, dont get me wrong, but sometimes it took a lot out of me since i know it takes a lot of my time. that being said, i will be on discord, maybe tomorrow? and probably be more active on there from now on, since everything is sorta cleared in my life and there's no more hectic commotion 24/7. the only thing at this rate stopping me from being active is having family over in the next couple weeks. but otherwise, yeah, its good to be back and im again sorry for my absence once more.

yours,

mackenzie <33

#i didnt really read over this so if it has any grammatical errors thats on ME luvs #but damn #look at that novel #LOOK AT IT #'im back sorry i was gone bad shit happened' could have sufficed #fuck u mackenzie #thats right fuck u #this is what i get for holding off humour for one god fucking post #i realized that was a trend a while ago #if im making a joke its short and simple #sometimes a two word post legit #but those damn analogies? those fucking update posts??????#if im being serious i make a new rendition of the bible or some fucking shit #gaaah #avert your eyes children avert them pls #for my sanity smh #making sorta formal notes about MYSELF is not my forte #like tf do i say? yolo?

109 notes · View notes

thoughtsandthecity · 4 years

Text

Your daily nightmare

I haven’t upload a post for a week and a half. The previous days were taugh for me. I am talking about the mean reds that Audrey Hepburn talked about in her movie called Breakfast at Tiffany’s which I highly recomend by the way. Attention, we are not talking about the blues. Allow me to use her words to explain. <<The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of>>.

One of those days, my teacher who had been fighting against blood cancer passed away. All the student’s and teachers went to the funeral. We heard really beautiful words of his people and we all said our last goodbye. While I was there listenning to all those speaches about him, I wondered, Did they ever tell him all those nice things about his personality and how amazing he was? Some tears later, I went to eat greasy chineese food. It sounds so disrespecting I know. What’s going to sound more disrespecting is that I actually had fun. As soon as I went home I couldn’t stop thinking about his death and crying. I realised I had went through the ‘’I can’t accept it’’ stage. But now tears were all over my face and I couldn’t stop thinking about my worse nightmare. Death. People tend to hate it because we are scared of what it causes. It takes away our ability to think, talk, see other people we love, listen to music we enjoy, taste flavours again, simple stuff. Or is it not? See? We know nothing about it and that’s the scariest part of it all, its a trip we have to go through alone and we, human beings, hate to be alone in scary things. Its just human nature. What about the people we loose? Are we ever going to overcome this loss? To get over the pain of not being able to talk again to that person? Listen to their laugh, feel the warmth of their hug? The answer is no. We are made up with the ability of memories, we are made up to not be able to forget. We fall in love with life and other people no matter how hard it gets. This person looked so strong to me, he had power and indeed he was a weird but intresting personality. Seeing him so small made me sad, we are really nothing, thats what I kept thinking.

On top of this, I started second guessing my choices about my studyies and the future I am going after so hardly! Things are getting harder as time is passing by and I feel like I’m trapped in a symphony I really was not sure if I wanted to sign for. Classes are getting tougher and reality starts kicking me hard. The thing is I can’t really complain about it there are other kids who are going through it too. Last year of high school is hard year for us all. A year full of fear, doubt, pain, and tiredness. It’s really sad if you think it through because we are being told that those years are assumed to be the best of our lives. So why are we wasting them all in tears, pain, fear and negative feelings about ourselves? Should’t we be out and about exploring the world, making friends, getting drunk, smoking, making music, writting or reading books we love? Anything that makes anyone happy? Shouldn’t we be free? I read a quote saying that we are not tired as we say. We are mentally tired of people coming and go, constantly trying and never succeding, having the same day on and on, being in the same place e.t.c We are mentally tired but we are so young for this. Not even older people should be mentally tired! He never was, he was always young, proud and bold. Some say it’s the electronics, the music we listen, the change of our values. Sure those really influenced my generation. But that doesn’t mean it’s a bad generation. We are wild ones, people with dreams, plans, goals, believes, our own values no matter how ugly they might look to you.

I’ve seen many of teens like me losing their faith, their way. What a mess. Do we need to change? Sure. But we don’t know how. Everybody is scared to be kind, gentle and happy because we are used in misery and pure hapiness or good energy are way too unknown to us. I made an experiment. I shouldn’t talk bad for anyone and I shouldn’t mention negative situations to anyone I was talking too. I found it hard, the second day I had given up. Maybe it’s just how we are made. We are beings with a brain that is constantly working. We are processing through things too hard and that’s the problem. We are creating the problem most of the times. And all this mess is something we have to face daily.

Am I enough? Are they wrong or am I? Am I wasting my time? Is that friend really my friend? Why doesn’t anyone really seems to like me? Why can’t I be like them? Will I ever be accepted for who I am? Why am I so alone? Am I not that smart? Did I gain weight? Does she looks better than me ? Why did I broke up with that guy? Am I going to date again? Why we never talked again with that person? Am I that bad? Am I such a weirdo? Are they talking behind my back?

I know if you are my age or close you can relate. Older like to blame it on the puberty. No it’s not really coming from it. It’s life. It’s us realising things, the change, the fear. The thing that we have to leave our childhood behind and face reality. It’s the natural way of life right? No I’ve talked about normality in an other post of mine. There’s no such thing. It’s the pressure of life. Are we gonna make it till the end, and even if we do, how do you know it was enough? How do you know you you made it? How do you know if the people you met were the right ones? Maybe you could have met better or worse. Untill now I got to my conclusion. Does it matter in the end ? Does it matter if you gained weight? If you lost time trying to get what you want? Does it matter if that boy/girl never saw your value? Does it really matter if you fail? If you don’t pass a test? If someone is better than you? NO IT DOESN NOT. Because in the end all it really matters is, did you managed to live? To fall in love with life? He did, he did so truly. He was the lover. Full of energy, goals, power, believes, passion. I remember him sayin ‘’ When I’ll die, I will be full of life, Because ive lived it to the fullest, every pain , every hapiness, every love I had,will you? Your generation is always stressed. But really, what are you going after so hard that makes you so sad?’’ Nobody ever could answer.

We don’t really know what we are sad about. We don’t know why we are so stressed about. We are always sad and stressed about something. Our shoulders and back always hurt. Are we that tired caring around sadness and negativity? Aren’t they way too heavy? Maybe he is right. We should stop stressing so much and let ourselves live. It’s not a button I know. But we can turn it into one. It’s all really in the way we are accepting and processing things through. In every situation we can choose to look on the bright side. Your energy is important and so is your time, do whatever you want with it. Make mistakes, its a part of life, take your time to feel sad about it, if you don’t go through it, you ain’t getting out of it. Maybe you will never will, who told you that you should? As I mentioned we are beings with a brain full of the ability to think and think and think. Stay vulnerable, true to yourself. There are things that we went trhough and shaped us, we all have demons, secrets, fears, dreams, passions.

Should we predent everything is ok? God no. all im saying is that might it’s worth it to try an other way of living, realise things, turn our frustration, anger , sadness into something better. We have the power of the brain, we shouldn’t take over for a long time. You can stress as much as you want, cry as much as you can but in the end, when you are going to leave this life behind you, are you going to be full? Are you going to be like him, cause I want to feel full, I want to feel like I was never missing out of my life, I wanna die young just like he did.

Take breaks, make decisions but always keep something in mind. Live every moment as intensly as you can. Even sadness. Can we make it? Can we try? We really should because in the end nothing really matters but love, moments you were there, memories, life and not our problems or our stress, neither our failures, our fights... Dance through your stress pain, drink through it, write about it, even talk about it if that’s what you want. You gotta keep believing, learn to listen to your body and heart. When you are procrastinating and not doing homework it might be because your mind is tired of homework take that day off, come back stronger tomorrow it doesn’t matter! If you felt mentally fed up, go to the nature, go party in a club for no reason, go traveling and meet new people, go start that blog or that hobby you want so much. Life is not about finding yourself you never lost it, you are creatting that bitch yourself and I wish us the best.

Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”

― Marilyn Monroe

Untill next time,

Xoxo

#life #quotes #stress #teens #thoughts #late night thoughts #2 am posts #2am #nightmare #pain #mental help #long reads #positivity #personal shit #writterscommunity #writing #death #school

18 notes · View notes

mikecardenmpreg · 6 years

Text

recovery, etc.

so its been just about a year since i got back into therapy and i just want to say this because i didnt make it clear enough when it happened. when i went in for my intake session last december, they wanted to hospitalize me. like. that day. right then. they didnt even want to finish the interview. they just wanted to admit me. because people reporting numbers like mine were in hospitals on suicide watch. they did not want me to leave the premises. i had to assure them that i wasnt going to kill myself (even though i knew that wasnt a promise i could make). i had to sign a CONTRACT promising i would not kill myself before my first therapy session. the intake specialist was skeptical but he let me go (though he had no idea how i was able to function on a daily basis - jokes on him though because i wasnt functioning at all). he had a look in his eye that told me he wasnt sure letting my leave was a good idea. when i went to my first therapy session with ann a few weeks later, she also wanted to hospitalize me and again i found myself assuring someone i didnt know that i wasnt going to kill myself (and that still wasnt a promise i could make). a year ago i was so sick that i was nearly hospitalized for my own safety and for the safety of others. i smiled and joked and laughed through it all. i reblogged relatable sad posts. i tried not to make it seem like it really bothered me. but i was barely hanging on.

i got my diagnosis on december 13th. i didnt talk to ann much but i told her just enough for her to deduce i had bpd. its something i knew for at least two years. i sat with my knees to my chest the entire session, uttering a few words here and there, picking at the fraying knees of my jeans. she took notes. she told me my numbers were concerning, that people with numbers like these are generally in inpatient care. i stared. nothing behind my eyes. i was a shell. she said “hopefully next time we meet youll be more comfortable with me and we can talk some more”. i felt like an asshole for sitting there and wasting her time. i thought i was a lost cause. i thought there was no way i was gonna get better.

and for the longest time i didnt. i was hurting so much. i was separated from all my friends and still dealing with the aftermath of not one but two absolutely devastating (at the time) rejections. i wanted to kill myself so badly but didnt have the means to do it efficiently and effectively (ive always been too scared to actually try to kill myself in case it didnt work - something ive told my therapist). i felt like the biggest fucking loser. i remembered the summer of 2012 and thinking (back then) that there was no way i could feel worse than i did then. i was wrong. how i felt in december 2016 through january-march 2017 was the worst ive ever felt in my entire life. looking back its mostly static. dont remember a lot of it. all i remember is being angry and suicidal and wanting to hurt everyone around me.

in april i started dbt. it took awhile for me to get into the class. ann had me take other classes to help cope with my other problems (anxiety mostly) and helped me process some of my issues until i could get into dbt. borderline is a little out of her area of expertise but she knows how to listen and is very very good at validating all my little hang ups (i love my therapist).

it took me a few weeks to see the value in dbt. for the first few months all it did was dredge up old shit and trigger me until i was hollow and numb. every week it felt like i was being ripped open and flayed. every week i got to relive a different traumatic memory. every week i disassociated to keep myself safe in this room of strangers (who were also disassociating to keep themselves safe). (disassociation is not a healthy coping mechanism)

but then i went on medication for my depression and anxiety and the combination of that, dbt, and regular therapy sessions actually began to like work? like? thats wild? and i started to see changes in my life because i was learning how to communicate appropriately and deal with my trauma effectively. and i stopped dwelling on the things that made me feel bad and started diving in to the things that made me feel good. i started spending more time with friends and reaching out and actually putting an effort into being a better friend. i started being honest and open with my parents about my progress rather than being super secretive and hiding things. and somehow the constant stress dreams and nightmares and violent thoughts and suicidal ideations stopped. i was finally able to enjoy things again. i was even able to spend time with my parents and actually enjoy it. hell i even looked forward to seeing them and talking to them (which is a really fucking big deal).

there have been slip ups along the way. things have happened that have really bent me out of shape. but i was able to deal with those things and recover. last december i was prepared to ruin every relationship i had. i told my parents to not come to my graduation. i almost deleted all my friends phone numbers and unfollowed them on all social media so i never had to speak to them again. i was ready to isolate myself from everyone so that when i killed myself (which i was getting ready to do) i wouldnt hurt anyone.

im not gonna say that i cant believe that person then and the person i am now are the same people because i can absolutely believe it. there are times when i want to go back to my old ways because regressing is a lot easier than constant progress. and getting better doesnt always have 100% positive results. ive learned a lot about myself and others along the way. ive had to sever ties. ive learned that some people arent capable of change. ive learned that sometimes taking a break from the people you love the most is the best thing you can do for yourself (and for them). ive had to have hard conversations because getting better has forced me to learn that you gotta actually work for what you want.

i havent been perfect this whole time either. i still havent learned how to value my own feelings over the feelings of others or how to accept that other people care about me. im sure some day i will. a year of therapy isnt going to fix everything. but some day ill have a breakthrough.

the whole point of this though is that if i can make it through my darkest moments and turn my shit around....anyone can. but its important to know beforehand that its a process. nothing happens overnight. nothing happens in a month. recovery is something you have to work at day and night for the rest of your life. its something you have to want. it doesnt come easy and its not pleasant. its not all soothing baths and flowers and handwritten journals. its crying and screaming and addressing your past traumas and welcoming them into your home like theyre family (and then accepting that they happened but not letting them dictate your every move). its being honest - brutally honest - with not only yourself but with others. its letting go of people you love and learning to exist in the void of loneliness (until the people you love learn to accept the new you). its showing up every week (or month or whatever) and saying something for once, even if you think its stupid, even if you think its irrelevant. recovery is ongoing. im about to finish my first year. i still have a lot of work to do and im actually kind of excited to do it? which is cool considering my contingency plan has always been to kill myself.

anyway. i just wanted to say that. i dont pat myself on the back very often but ive accomplished a lot this last year. and not gonna lie but ive referred to myself as “most improved patient” in my head multiple times these past few months. im in a pretty okay place right now. im glad im still here (despite the world getting worse literally every day). im glad i have people i can share that with. and i hope some day soon i can return the love and support ive been given tenfold :)

#suicide mention #long post #very long and personal post

9 notes · View notes