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signofthestriking · 10 months

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"She's not trying to be rude or anything. Shes just shy."

Oh my god I'm actually making an OC intro post I haven't done shit like this since I left Amino-

This is Maize! A teenage hermit of few words, with a dad she's supposed to avenge. I say "supposed to" because it's not really her idea, but more on that later. She's one of the main characters from my fanfic book, Three Musketeers.

So what's Maize's life like before the start of the book? Well, pretty simple. Train, read books, hunt for food, rinse and repeat. Up until she was about 13, she was under the supervision of her mentor, Master Limax.

I still need to learn how to draw old men.

Limax was a harsh teacher, to say the least. And his whole goal was to prepare her for a fight with the man who killed her father, another Saiyan warrior and no stranger to combat. And Maize agrees to this goal, because why wouldn't she? It's Master Limax. If he says avenging her father will put her to rest, she'll trust him.

After all, Maize does find herself feeling quite hopeless and distant at times. She often finds herself unable to understand what Limax is trying to tell her, and can never meet his gaze. Her mood is always weighed down by something, and her expression often remains flat no matter what she's feeling. But that's all just grief, ri-ight...?

But anyway, once she turned 13, Limax left. He said he would return when she had proven her true strength to him. Presumably, he wanted to test how she took care of herself. And she managed to take care of herself pretty well! She could hunt her own food, she adhered to her training routine as always, and she joined the World Martial Arts Tournament once she was old enough. Of course, there was only so much any human could do against a Saiyan, even a teenage hermit like Maize. So she won twice in a row, and earned herself some money! Which she barely used, but hey, she has it!

Now, right around when Limax left, Maize soon sought out Penguin Village. Technically, she was forbidden from interacting with humans, and had been punished for sneaking out to the village before. But she went there anyway, and found the local library. There, she found a whole new world to explore, and dove deep into a newfound love of reading. At least Limax gave her a basic education.

Maize asked if there were books on Saiyans, and of course, the librarian had no idea what that meant. So they directed Maize to a working computer and suggested she look it up. She did, and her search yielded one result: a blog post that briefly mentioned Saiyans by name, specifically a vent post of sorts. So, naturally, Maize immediately reached out to contact the other person.

That other person happened to be Konnie Sai, a half-Saiyan in Central City who was on lunch break whe Maize reached out.

"hey are you an alien" "who tf are you and why are you in my dms-"

The two got to talking, and while Konnie didn't immediately trust Maize, the two soon grew to become friends! Maize would make regular trips to the library just to talk to Konnie, even figuring out how to setup a way to talk to her new friend from her island home. Konnie would gripe about her dad a lot, but Maize still enjoyed the company of her long-distance friend. Limax had warned her away from having friends, citing that they would turn on her once it benefitted them. But once Maize met Konnie, she broke that rule as well.

Which turned out well for her, because three years later, Konnie found a Dragon Ball. In the basement of her school. There's a reason it was left there but shhhhhh. So you know what that means?

"Hey what if we used the wish to learn more about Saiyans?"

Because, despite Limax knowing a lot about the Saiyans and what they were up to in this universe, he's never told Maize the details. Deliberately. He's only said that he wants her to be "better than that". Konnie's in a similar boat with her father, but that can be explained in its own post. So, with two young Saiyans left in the dark about their own history, what can they do? They can hunt for the Dragon Balls and get their own answers!

And that turns out to be the catalyst of a whole new adventure:

Anyway fun trivia about Maize:

She likes to talk to animals, at least when they can talk back. One of her first conversations with someone aside from Limax was a talking turtle who was curious about what she was training for.

She survived rabies for a couple of months, due to her Saiyan constitution. It was a rough couple of months, and it would have killed her had a passerby not intervened.

Maize's favorite food is fish. More specifically, the giant fish she catches below the ocean outside her island home. They're big enough to satisfy her appetite, usually.

She once drank out of a decorative water fountain, not understanding that those are just for show. She still thinks they're a waste of water.

Despite being a two-time champion, Maize doesn't actually like going to the World Martial Arts Tournament. Too loud, too crowded, and too many eyes looking at her.

The people of Penguin Village don't see anything strange about Maize. They just think she's a wandering swordsman who stops by to read books from the library. She also bought an old laptop from someone there so she could talk to Konnie from home.

Anyway idk what else to put here I just love her a lot

#[oc] maize onigiri #[story] three musketeers #[au] spectrum verse #oc intro #dbz #dbz fanfiction #dragon ball z #dragon ball z fanfiction #dbz oc #dbz ocs #dragon ball oc #dragon ball z oc #dragonball oc #dragon ball z fanfic #ratman doodles

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kerykomo · 18 days

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been having just a smidge of a hard time recently. (semi-vent post under the break, if you wish to read.)

i just got done with my university semester, technically end of my sophomore year, technically start of my freshman year? its complicated, i transferred. and despite spending all of it with the lovely light of my life, i don’t think i’d ever felt so lonely in my life, perhaps save for the pandemic. it was a different kind of lonely- not some longing for love or companionship- i had that already. i just didn’t make any friends of my own- i kind of got swept into a group that was my partner’s, and not my own. i didn’t bond with these people like my partner did, and i didn’t fit in with them really either. i enjoyed spending time with them and we got along well enough, and i have a lot of happy memories and funny videos to look back on now, but every time i went to hang out with them it was similar to trying to shove a puzzle peice where it didn’t belong. i was an outsider- literally, having transferred and moved from across the country- and i wasn’t used to the region or the demeanor of people from the area. and most of my classes had this same group in them- all being from the same major, go figure- but it didn’t give me many opportunities to branch out and interact with people aside from this group.

i felt like i was kinda floating on an ice sheet with these same people, and even though i didnt really like it on this platform, branching out to another one would take swimming through the freezing water.

only one person, maybe two of the roughly 8 of us were any form of inclusive or inviting to me, to my recollection. and we got along pretty good, but it just felt like every invitation to go hang out with the group was an inconvenience. like “oh we’re gonna go hang out, i guess we should invite komo to come along.” and there were some hangouts that didnt involve me, which i was fine with. again, i was an outsider they had known for maybe a month or two when they’d all known each other for the whole semester previous. im lucky my partner doubles as my best friend and we never mind hanging out with each other, because otherwise i think i wouldve just left mid-semester and went home. i did meet a few people on my own, but because i rarely saw them and they had little interest in hanging out outside of class, their status to me has remained more of “aquaintances” or classmates than actual friends.

secondary to the friend problem, it was recently brought to my attention by my partner that i pretty much have art block or art burnout all? the time?? and have for years??? so. im not sure what that says about my rickety roller-coaster of a mental state but i know it isnt good. i just brought up how i feel like i can’t draw most of the time, or when i want to what i make isnt satisfactory or doesnt look good. at first i thought it was just a style crisis- since i tend to have those pretty frequently and change up the way i draw or try something new cause i get bored of the last thing. but every now and then its like im blessed by the art gods and i can draw exactlly what i want the way i want to. it used to happen more frequently in previous years but its become less and less frequent now, no matter how much of my time dedicate to drawing.

im trying to refresh myself by drawing on paper more often but its still incredibly difficult to come up with anything or even want to draw most days. of course i want to- i have fun with it and i like drawing and its more often than not an outlet for me. but i just feel… stuck. similar to my friends, i dont like where i am and i want to leave it but im not going to like the process to get there and i might not like the outcome. some of its my own personal anxieties, i know, but its hard to move past those.

anyways, i just remembered yesterday that its mermay and i want to make at least a few pieces for the summer season. maybe thinking of the ocean will keep me going for a little longer.

until next time, i hope everyone takes care of themselves. remember to hydrate and drink water even if its not hot outside; your body still needs it. :)

if youve read to all the way down here, thanks for hearing out the problems of a rando on the internet. i appreciate you taking the time to do that.

#komocaws #komospeaks #komorant #kerykomo #personal vent #vent post

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kin-the-muffin · 5 months

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haha soooo many things happening rn and i feel like i have so much time to do nothing like i used to but when i take a step back sure i have less but i still have a lot but then i remember that theres homework im already ignoring in my classes and new friends to know and be known by and old friends to either dump cuz theyre toxic and i never realized or try in vain to keep ahold of a slipping relationship and im in my senior year now hahahaaaaa

vent below

i auditioned for my school’s musical and i finally got a speaking part and im also technically a lead and that rly cool but it also means im going to have to stay at school for twelve hours almost every day until the second week of march when the play ends

im in my school’s honor choir and its a zero hour so i have to wake up at unheavenly times to get there and sing for two and a half hours

i get to be in a rly big state choir too and thats coming up in february and i havent looked at the music yet and i cant get the remind to work and all the emails are so long-winded and badly-formatted and confusing

and my english class is nearly full of students so thats fun and my school has zero, count em, Z E R O good senior english teachers but im pretty sure i have the better of two devils and i had her last semester so i know her and she knows me but i also know the kinda bs shes gonna throw at us and i just have to hope that she wasnt lying when she said that this semester would be easier because we’re not working on senior papers this time (mine was about mental health in schools not that anyone asked lolll)

i also have the same government teacher as last semester which is both a blessing and a curse because i know what to expect but like none of it is good and he makes us do these stupid unnecessary tiny group projects and why tf cant i just work alone i only know one person in the class and his lectures are so pointless and please just let me take all the tests and be done with this heaven-forsaken class already

then im in studio art which is basically the highest level art class at my school and you have to get permission from an art teacher to be in one of their hours then you work on one huge independent project the whole semester and my art teacher knows i draw on my ipad and said i could make a comic so now i have to figure out what its about then i can hopefully start the ball rolling from there but i have too many ideas and not enough at the same time and none of them are developed enough to make a 22-page, fully edited-and-colored comic

and my choir director is so incredibly passive aggressive but not really on purpose, he just knows he has a rbf and so he overcompensates to make himself more friendly but then when his patience runs thin he yells and i wanna cry and die and quit high school and cry some more

and im trying so hard not to stress over college because i know im gonna take a gap year so i can think about it then but two of my sisters have offered their homes to me and i love them both so much and ive been thinking about just getting an apartment and a roommate but i have to tell them that because one of them is going to renovate their basement with my potential living there in mind and then i end up stressing about college anyways like what major and what minor and what school and what even is my endgoal???? i dont know?!?!??!?!! i dont know what i want to do with my life, not specifically! my biggest dream rn is to be an mc streamer and thats just cuz im back in my mcyt phase and the old pipe dream from my childhood has returned but i know it cant actually work out btu the dreamer in me says it can but i know it realistically has like a .000002% chance of actually happening

and thats all i have the energy to say rn

sorry for the rant

sorry for not posting

ty and goodnight

#kin’s rambles #vent #high school #it sucks #i swear i wanna die #*rasputin voice from anastaisia*#mark my words #me myself and i will die #before i graduate #i want to rest so much and end my bloodline #forever #/j #man i really hope none of my friends and family see this cuz a few follow me on here #its just a question of do they look at it enough?#probably not

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ravenite-reblogs · 1 year

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working between commissions and lowkey falling into a block because I haven't taken a technical art class that isn't about stupid design in a while so I might just do a bunch of studying again and post sketches from that...

RANT/VENT:

one thing i do like about this fandom is being able to look at art I like for hours and sort of adopt it into my style... esp seeing how more experienced n educated artists draw things I struggle with helps a lot, sometimes I feel like bc i'm self taught there's always a lot of stiffness and bad habits that I have kind of developed into cheating my art to look alright but then when it comes to the actual anatomy, understanding of the shapes and structure behind it, it's always been just the trying to find ways to cheat it... and it is always frustrating that I don't have professors and other artists to refer to for critique when I feel like this because nobody in this godforsaken shit city offers good fucking fine arts that isn't the same three drawing II and painting I classes, and the only live drawing studio class is NORTH, which is like an hour drive twice a week for a $400 class.

I am p sure there are ENTIRE art courses online that are $400 and teach me more about what I need to look for from Industry professionals than another 80 year old hippy man (no hate to them cuz they're usually pretty chill art professors) but they never consider that a young generally feminine presenting art student has an interest in story based illustration and sequential art, all they think about is abstract realism and surrealism gallery painting work. im tireeedd.

If I work on enough commissions by the end of July I might actually be able to pay for a proper art class even if its online.. i might need at least 5-10 more commissions depending on price and complexity and just hope my hand doesn't fucking explode! I hate not being eligible for financial aide bc I'm fucking sure I could get a full ride into art school if I fucking wanted to.

I keep putting myself through fucking hell to get the things I want but yk what?? I keep getting them in the end, and its never fair but I genuinely cannot fathom doing anything but art in life, so if I have to fucking suffer for it??? bring down hell on fucking earth for me.

#raven rants #raven vents

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g-r-a-y-p-h-i-c · 5 years

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got art block quarter-way through but kept going anyways out of sheer spite towards said art block, which im sure is not the healthiest coping mechanism in the world lmao, but hey, got it done

anyways, /waves hand/ its a drawing idk

#forage the ruins digital art arts artists firealpaca fire alpaca #self portrayal #fashion (self created)#im not doing the 'ps*chedelic anatomy' tag for this one bc its really only the eyes and i dont think thats enough to qualify #anyways this was a vent doodle that i kept idly playing with and messing around w textures n stuff #not much but yknow #not my worst either #anyways can you tell im still getting the hang of this 'visual self-image' thing #im getting better at it but my partial aphantasia and partial facial blindness are still swinging bats at my efforts #like #i have some idea of how i look.. okay not really thats a lie i know the technical stuff but not any subjective impressions of it #for example- is my height considered 'tall' from a laymans pov? no idea #anyways these clothes are nonsensical as fuck #i just kinda doodled em and played around w the colours n stuff but like. that poncho thing defies gravity probably #unless its got thin netting thats just too small to be shown here #anyways its four am here soooooo no more idling im just gonna Post

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we-are-inevitable · 2 years

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Bestie, could we possibly get some influencer Jack headcanons? Can be for anything! Art, YouTube, steaming, singing, etc!!

oh my god okay i feel like this is everything

okay so first of all: jack doesn't mean to become an 'influencer'. technically, he doesn't even think he qualifies as one; he's not influencing anything, not backing any products or doing any ads. literally all he is is Some Guy that decided "hey, maybe instagram is a good place to keep a catalog of all of my artwork."

so, he invests in a decent camera, learns how to take photos that aren't shaky from his phone, and starts taking professional photos of traditional pieces. he eventually learns how to do timelapses too, which he really enjoys. he doesn't really get a lot of traction at first, but then he posts some joke fanart of a popular fictional character he likes and suddenly he's getting so many fans following him.

he still posts more "serious" artwork, but after the attention, he just,, starts letting himself be free. he posts doodle sheets from his sketchbooks. weird sticky notes he can’t bear to part with. he posts fanart, for a lot of different things he likes, and he’s not like,, into fandom but he inadvertently caters to that crowd.

its a mix of traditional paintings, sketches, doodles, digital paintings, pose studies, abstract work, charcoals and oil pastels and colored pencils. it’s like,, yknow how ikimaru and viria are huge in fandom spaces? or loisvb on instagram? gabriel picolo? he basically does that in terms of growing a fan base. after things start catching on, he’s sitting at 250k, 500k, 900k followers- fucking crazy if you ask him, because he’s genuinely just trying to have fun, and people like it.

it definitely started as an outlet, too; if you scroll far enough on his account, you’ll see vent art, more personal pieces, and it’s so wild to see how much he’s 1) grown as an artist and 2) grown happier, all by what’s represented in those artworks.

he opens an online shop. sells prints, stickers, certain pieces on things like mugs and hoodies, and it basically becomes his full time job. sure, sometimes it’s hard, and he gets a lot of attention and a lot of pressure and artblock is a bitch but this is all he’s ever wanted so !! hell yeah !!

also, wouldnt it be cute if davey and jack met because davey needed an illustrator to make a graphic copy of his novel? that’s definitely something that jack has always wanted to do, and he works fairly closely to davey to make sure his interpretation matches davey’s original ideas, and they just ,, get closer and closer. their agents handle Professional stuff but they regularly meet for coffee and coffee turns into dates and eventually, jack’s name on later books in davey’s graphic novel collection is Jack Kelly-Jacobs.

#ahhh sorry this is so late jack !! but ty ty i love this #jac writes #jack kelly #newsies #davey jacobs #david jacobs #newsies musical #livesies #newsies au #newsies headcanons #ask a jac !#jack tag

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revengerevisited · 3 years

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i found this vanqua fic the other day, it’s only a couple chapters but i like it so far. :3 it does have a ‘creator chose not to add warnings’ label though, so please be cautious. also baby-xemnas aka kotbysleep (nsfw) aka nekokat42 (also nsfw) is a much better vanqua artist than me so please check him out. X’D (heads-up those twitter threads are way longer than you think so make sure you see eeeverything~).

anyway, more wip art below the cut, plus my endless rambling (i talk about 18+ topics, just a warning)—

i’m still working on venqua week and i’ve got 2 more prompts to go, one i haven’t started yet and one i’m halfway done with—

~aaand yeah i’m re-using it for a vanqua pic too... X’D am i lazy, or just resourceful? you decide. ;P

but yeah, both of these pics will have an 18+ version as well. i admit i’m super anxious about posting it next week, as i’ve seen just how absolutely toxic fandom is on twitter. like, you thought tumblr was bad? i’ve spent the last few days preemptively blocking literally hundreds if not thousands of antis just so i can feel a little safer posting my content without some asshat calling me a pedo or telling me to kill myself over cartoons. XU i somewhat worry that i’ve accidentally blocked some people who were just joking around and weren’t actually harassing anyone, but it’s just so hard to tell sometimes. if i’ve accidentally blocked anybody here, just let me know so i can unblock you. :3 (idk why that sentence came out so sinister sounding but i’m legit being sincere X’D).

but seriously, idk when fandom suddenly got such a stick up its ass (around 2016-17 from my guesstimate) and decided aging-up a fictional character by a year or two is such a crime, but i guess that’s just the state of things. :T i could draw vanitas as a centaur or make him blond or whatever and no one cares, but aging him by one year? suddenly big problem! yeah, right. XP like, i know i said every character in kh is 17+ as of khmom (ignoring any weird timeline retcons of course), but heck i could make an honest case for the wayfinder family all being adults. hear me out—

it’s been 13 years since bbs, right? and for 12 of those years, aqua was in the realm of darkness, terra had some awareness while being possessed by xehanort, ven experienced some of sora’s life when he was in a coma, and vanitas was almost certainly in ven/sora’s heart as well, so all four of them could be said to be 31, 33, and 29 respectively. it’s not like their character models were any different when they were young teens as opposed to older teens, so can we really be sure they’re not all 30~ by now? heck, since ven is from the age of fairytales i could say he’s 1000 years old if i wanted too! (psst, it’s almost as if these are all fictional characters living in a fantasy world with time travel and whatnot and their ages are completely arbitrary numbers nomura made up on the spot, numbers which he has retconned before! :P).

now i don’t actually think they’re that old, but if people are gonna hassle me over a goddamn 2-year age difference, i might as well say fuck it and have fun with it, right? ;P it’s not like antis even know what the canon character ages even actually are, like when they try to say that skuld is underage when (assuming she’s subject x) she’d be around 28~ by now, or axel and saïx’s age. (maybe i’ll draw some saïx x skuld art and watch the antis lose their minds. ;P it wouldn’t even have to be nsfw to rile them up).

anyway, i do admit i’m feeling a little burned out on art recently. XP i’ve been trying to get one art piece out per week plus venqua week, and yeah it’s kinda taken its toll. i know this really isn’t anything anyone wants to hear, but i’ve been kinda thinking of moving away from fandom projects to work on my own original work. now, i’m not saying i’m abandoning a heart and a half nor anything as drastic as that! but i have spent like 2 years of my life on it just to get to the halfway mark, and i’m not sure i can spend 2 more doing only that.

i’ve got an original story idea that i’ve been working on-and-off on for the past 7 years or so, and i’m thinking of going back to it again (it does need a pretty big re-write). its main pairing is actually pretty vanqua-ish, now that i think about it. like, imagine the realm of darkness but instead of the heartless it’s infested with demons, and the main characters are the demon-slaying duo of a serious yet kindhearted half-angel and a feral, snarky half-demon. i even aged them up from 14 to 18 so none of my potential fans have to suffer the same anti bullshit that i have. XP

what else can i ramble about... oh, i got these super cute pins for christmas! :D the heartless is by xkirakira, and vanitas and aqua are by maxxmerch. they’re just so cute! X3 i hope everyone had a merry christmas and a happy holiday! i’ll see you guys later. ^3^

*looks around sheepishly* ó3ò alright... confession time. spoilers for a heart and a half for the rest of this post—

sooo~ i’ve kinda hinted at this before, but yeah i’ve always planned on adding a sex scene to a heart and a half; when i started writing back in 2018 i hadn’t realized how hostile fandom had become compared to only a few years ago, and it worries me that some readers might drop the fic because of it, or be angry with me over the underage aspect. :(

idk, i could go on about how i just wanted to explore every aspect of a romantic relationship, or how other disney/square enix characters married or had kids young (ariel, sarah hawkins, héctor, claudia strife, possibly jasmine), or how attempting to apply real-world rules to a videogame fantasy setting is inherently silly and pointless, but really it’s just ‘cause i love vanitas and aqua to bits and i just wanted to write a cute and funny mild sex scene between them (this fic is rated mature, not explicit, so much less graphic than confection affection), and at the end of the day they are just fictional characters, after all.

i guess all i can hope for is that i’m a skilled enough writer to pull it off in a believable way, and that my audience won’t be too put off by it. >_> i know vanitas and aqua have technically only known each other for about 2 months so it might not be ‘realistic’ for them to go so far into a relationship so soon, but i think it’s important to remember that ultimately this is a romantic fairytale, and other canon disney couples haven’t seen nearly as deeply into each other’s hearts as vanitas and aqua have (and this video also helped me feel better about it).

i also wanted to finish that nsfw venqua fic i started a few months back, it’s set just before the mark of mastery so yes ven would be 16. i suppose it’s a way of testing the waters to see what kind of reception i’d get (hopefully positive) before i get to that part of a heart and a half. i was also thinking of including some of the uh, ‘keyblades as erogenous zones’ aspect from this terraquaven fic as well... w-why are you looking at me like that?! it’s funny! *sweats nervously* o3o’

in all honesty, i’m probably just overthinking all this (which, knowing me, is almost a guarantee >_<) and i should just *ahem* let my heart be my guiding key, and just write what i want to write without worrying about it all the time. i just get so anxious so easily... buuut that’s not really news to anyone, now is it? ;P well, i think that’s the end of my endless ramble, thanks for reading if you got this far. X’D and i really hope i didn’t actually upset anybody about a heart and a half. ;_; i just felt like i needed to vent a little, but don’t worry about me, i’m doing fine. anyway, i really should stop typing and get back to work on venqua week, sooo... bye! X3

#wip #rambles #rant #tagging just in case

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anhed-nia · 4 years

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BLOGTOBER PRE-GAME 9/30/2020: 30 MILES FROM NOWHERE/CONFESSIONAL (2019)

Spoiler alert. Or whatever. It’s not going to matter, you don’t care.

So, I've been away for a minute. Just about any reason to be away from Tumblr is probably a good reason, but I have an especially good one. I'm finally working on a "real" writing project, which demands, and deserves, all of my attention. My social media abstinence isn't just a matter of time management, though. Once I had a long term obligation on my plate, I became very aware of how the short term satisfaction I get from posting mindless rants was eating away at the fuel I have available for sustained efforts. When I wind myself up with a 500-1000 word blog post, it generates a lot of electricity, but I blow it all as soon as I experience the catharsis of posting it, and I'm further pacified by ego-stroking likes and reblogs. Not to sound like a sanctimonious luddite--I mean, I'm still here, after all!--but it turns out that the staying focused on the long haul has been surprisingly revivifying. In fact, I haven't been talking about my big fancy project for the same reason; I don't want to lose any of the juice I've been storing up by wasting it on the shallow pleasure of describing it. Also such things should probably be somewhat confidential until they're approaching the publishing stage, but I digress! There is an actual reason I'm saying all this, that has more to do with this blog.

(Don’t get all excited, I’m not doing EVIL ED right now, I just need a relatable image.)

As I got deeper into my experience of "real" film writing, I started to reflect on the meaning of my personal writing. Like, the point of it. I tend to write in a sweaty, compulsive, sadomasochistic haze, in which I'm sometimes hyperbolically generous, and sometimes--perhaps more often, unfortunately--as nasty as humanly possible. Sometimes the movies deserve it, when they're lazy, pretentious, or otherwise demonstrate an open contempt for the audience aka ME. Often, though, I'm just creating an opportunity to vent my generalized rage and frustration. That can be very entertaining for myself and (hopefully) my teensy-but-devoted readership, but lately I've asked myself whether there isn't some negative tradeoff for all this amusement. In this phase of my life, it's reasonable to assume I'll make more and more friends and acquaintances who create things I don't always care for, but I don't necessarily think they deserve to be abused for it. As much as I have a right to say whatever I want, technically, I'd be embarrassed if I were caught just jacking myself off by making fun of their work in public. And more to the point, I don't necessarily want to contribute to the growing atmosphere in which people feel more afraid to try and fail, because the public so commonly misidentifies sarcasm and mean-spiritedness as intelligence and superiority, and that form of petty darkness spreads across the internet a lot faster than a movie can reach a wider audience. After all, I'm in the process of potentially turning myself into one of those well-meaning failures right now. I could stand to be a little more deliberate about how I speak, and about what, in general.

My father is an art critic, and once in an extra petulant moment, teenage-me asked him in an accusative tone what he thought the point of his profession was. He replied calmly that he wouldn't publish any comment that he didn't think the artist could make use of somehow. I don't know if he always stuck to that policy, but the thought sure stuck with me.

So anyway, over the last few months I've been giving myself a bit of an attitude adjustment, through a combination of personal reflection, and hard work on something meaningful/not for the internet. I've been feeling all proud of myself and shit, but today reminded me that any path to enlightenment is always marked by setbacks, doubt, and temptation. For today, in complete innocence (or at least a melange of innocence and ignorance, as I very much invite this type of problem), I managed to watch TWO (2) movies about an academic film-cum-psychology project, focused on a gang of college buddies who inevitably reveal what bad people they are under the unique conditions of the project, and then the project turns out to be run NOT by its presumed-dead originator, but by the originator's even-crazier lover. It's amazing how particular something can be, and still be utterly obvious and cliche. In my defense, I really tried to turn the second movie off, because it was...just instantly terrible, but the seed of suspicion had taken root--is this randomly selected movie ACTUALLY EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE PREVIOUS MOVIE?--and I just had to find out if this could be true. I suffered, deliberately, for another hour and a half, to confirm my awful hunch. I don't know how I would have felt if I had turned out to be wrong (better? worse?), but I don't have to worry about that now. Now I just have to worry about my overpowering impulse to be as ugly as possible about what I have personally subjected myself to.

(The completely deceptive poster for our not at all witchy or eerie opening feature.)

In need of a passable time-waster this afternoon, I put on 30 MILES FROM NOWHERE. Released in March of 2019, Caitlin Koller's claustrophobic black comedy feels oddly like a product of 2020. A group of estranged, middle-aged college pals of the BIG CHILL ilk--which one of the characters calls out, out loud, just so ya know--come together for a fallen comrade's funeral, only to find themselves trapped in his widow's increasingly creepy cabin in the woods. Said comrade was driven to suicide by the failure of a psychological experiment he conducted that plunged its subject into madness, and if you don't realize right away that the obnoxious and unstable cast are the new subjects of their not-quite-dead friend's renewed project, then you're firing a lot slower than 24 frames per second. The dialog is often decent, aiding a handful of funny, natural performances...but it's hard to forget that you're just waiting for the conspicuously crazy widow to reveal that the "unexplained events" in and around the cabin are part of a controlled attempt to get the guests to devolve into their worst selves, which isn't such a difficult task considering the undesirable state they all arrive in.

It just made me ask myself, what was the point of this? Why do people make movies that are entirely predicated on the shock of the twist, knowing that if the twist isn't so shocking--or is baldly obvious from the start--then the whole experience just falls apart? Why not hedge your bets with a little more depth, or purpose, or style, or really anything more reliable than a smug attempt to prove that your script is smarter than your audience? Even if you do manage to pull off this dubious accomplishment, it reduces your movie to something like the experience of having somebody jump out of a closet and scream in your ear to "get" you. I've always felt concerned that if somebody ever tries to "get" me like that, I might just automatically punch them in the face. But anyway, whatever shred of good will this movie could have accrued with its plucky performances is blown away by the final insult, when the cops arrive to clean up the inevitable bloody mess. The responding officers are hilariously unimpressed and unsurprised by the byzantine scheme that has resulted in a shocking act of violence, because the cabin's "guest book", which our heroes all filled out, was actually the signatory page of a complicated waiver form granting full permission to the hosts to, like, do whatever the hell they want to everybody. Presumably this shit just goes on all the time, leading the local law to shrug off anything that happens to or because of the dumbassed lab rats who frequent the cabin? I dunno. I mean, what can I say? ACAB, I guess!

At the time, I managed to resist the urge to take to the internet and decry the crimes of this lame-o party joke. I really don't like the sensation that a movie is just trying to trick me into thinking something that isn't true. But, this isn't, like, an affront to cinema. People make annoying, below average movies all the time, and maybe you kinda have to, if you eventually want to make better movies. I imagine myself in the shoes of the people who actually put some elbow grease into this production, having to wade through the rantings of internet ghouls like myself while they're trying to see how their efforts are paying off. Making a movie is probably a lot harder than I think it is.

But that's part of the point I'm heading toward. I'm always amazed by people's willingness to pour huge amounts of energy and capital into something to which there is ultimately very little point. I mean, I have bad, unoriginal, boring ideas every single day of my life. But I almost never DO any of them. I have a hard enough time convincing myself to just get out of bed in the morning, let alone devote blood, sweat, and money to deliver unto the world material evidence of my personal mediocrity. I can't imagine thinking it would be worth it, for myself or the unfortunate people who are subjected to my project, to actually execute on my bad ideas. I'm being judgmental, but honestly, I don't even know if my attitude makes me better or worse than someone who accomplishes the task of completing and selling a movie that's mainly a waste of time. Movies are so complicated, and realizing them requires the consensus of so many people, that it's sort of incredible that there are people capable of making one that doesn't have a powerfully compelling motivation behind it. People who are able to do such a thing obviously have something that I don't, and it isn't just "consideration for the audience."

So, I could probably stand to be more forgiving--or just, less eager to absolutely flay someone alive on my dumb little blog because they so opened themselves up to my arsenal of elaborate insults. But like...not all the time. Sometimes, a movie really fucking asks for it, and in revealing itself to me, it has effectively signed a waiver giving me patent freedom to do whatever I want to it. CONFESSIONAL is the latest movie to give me such a gift. After the final credit rolled in 30 MILES FROM NOWHERE, I looked for a little palate cleanser. As little as I like movies that put their single egg in the motheaten basket of a "shocking twist", I also have a problem with what I identify as canned theater. Not that I think all movies have to be lavish productions, but I think they should try to do something that is natively cinematic. It's very rare that I'm impressed by anything that is literally all talk. So, I went in search of some more familiar form of trash to help me recallibrate, and trash is definitely what I got.

(Me crying over my own bad decisions.)

To be fair, I kind of should have known that I was in for a challenging experience. The 2019 found footage thriller CONFESSIONAL is more or less based on the "confessional" part of sleazy reality TV shows, isolating each cast member in a soundproof stall so they can spill the rotten contents of their guts. Unfortunately, I spotted a review suggesting that the movie succeeded, against all odds, at remaining visually dynamic despite the unchanging scenery, and I was intrigued. The reviewer was correct, impressively; the monotony of the coffin-like environment with its dark foam walls was the least of my concerns. Other problems superseded that threat, immediately. The plot concerns a group of college pals who come together to remember a recently deceased friend--a filmmaker who expired mysteriously while completing a psychology-tinged project in which she recorded all of her friends' most shameful personal secrets. Now, somebody else has taken over the project...someone who "has never been identified", according to an early title card in this movie-within-a-movie (EVEN THOUGH THIS PERSON WILL BE EXPLICITLY IDENTIFIED AT THE END OF THE MOVIE SO LIKE WHY), but who seems likely to be the decedent's ex-lover...who continues to expose their subjects' most shameful secrets on film. I mean, what the fuck? Did I somehow manage to pick a second movie with almost the exact same plot??? I couldn't believe it. I didn't know if I could take it. My prospects only got worse when the cast showed up and started talking. I tried to turn the movie off. I backed out and walked away from it, twice. But I couldn't leave it alone. I had to know if it was really the same movie.

CONFESSIONAL concerns characters who are contemporaneously in college, which actually goes a long way to making everything worse. Each of these walking cliches is connected in some way to Amelia, a film student whose mysterious death has created a campus scandal, leaving shattered hearts and lives in its wake. The living have each received a blackmail-flavored invitation to speak about the deceased in a tiny "confessional booth" somewhere on campus, where, predictably, they find themselves locked in until they confess whatever they know about Amelia, and their classmates. I don't know why practically every single movie about young people has to be so miserable, but this is one of those. I assume that it has something to do with the fact that youth is simultaneously so desired and so ignored. People in their teens and early 20s are so sexually coveted, yet so easily dismissed as individuals, that we wind up with all this media that panders to them relentlessly (or at least, panders to the legions of ticket-buying perverts who enjoy watching them prance around), without almost any consideration of how they actually think and act, and look. Movies like FAT GIRL and WELCOME TO THE DOLL HOUSE may be accused of their own form of pandering, a venal form of voyeuristic schadenfreude, but at least they reflect something of the awkwardness, isolation, and incompleteness of adolescence; something more than the dissociated, pornographic fantasies of adults who have long since forgotten what it was like to be powerless and ignored, or desired by people who don't even like you.

Not that CONFESSIONAL is supposed to be a work of grim realism, but it is most definitely rooted in a fantasy about college life that makes its contrived, message-y plot a lot harder to take. With almost the sole exception of "the nerdy one", every single character looks like a Bratz doll, oozing an exaggerated indecency that belies the movie's pretentious insistence on addressing the sex & gender Issues of the Day. What you get is a really good example of what happens when millennial characters are modeled, not on any actual millennials, but on other forms of marketing that are aimed at millennials, which are themselves just based on other preexisting youth-targeted commercials, et al ad nauseam. Even setting aside the deliriously slutty wardrobe choices, makeup appears to have been laid on with a trowel, coating each actor in a thick creamy layer of spackle that only makes any scars, pits, or other evidence of individuality look utterly bizarre. Accordingly, everybody preens, pouts, and generally behaves as if they're about to take off their clothes, which might be a huge relief given the profusion of chafing, cheapo mesh and straps they're laboring under.

So, ok, not every movie can have a great costume department, but the dialog here is a perfect match for the disastrous aesthetic decisions. Actually, this is the real reason I almost walked out on CONFESSIONAL. If I may ramble briefly, without substantiating any of my broad-ranging claims: Sometime in the late 90s/early 00s, horror cinema seemed to suffer a degenerative slide away from genuine thrills and chills, and into a version of the genre that is best characterized as the Slutty Halloween Costume approach. Any sense of existential dread, revulsion, or bodily vulnerability was widely replaced by a cutesy, Hot Topic-y preference for fast fashion and sex appeal, in which bloodshed more facilitated an informal wet teeshirt contest than any real fear induction. Horror's new mall goth look came with an equally shallow, boring verbal affectation: a sullen, sleazy, tooth-sucking sarcasm, that ushered in a new era in which, instead of making fun of the scummy coked-out dialog in porno movies, we now expect everybody to just talk like that, because it's hot. There's probably a line to be drawn between this unfortunate development, and the boneheaded real-world trend of identifying "sarcasm" as an important personal selling point on dating sites, but I won't try to prove that here. For now, I will just say that as soon as I heard the CONFESSIONAL characters start to speak, with their sneering, insinuating tones, with the vocal fry, with the head wagging, the jutting jaws, the smoldering gazes, the juvenile dragging-out of horny grownup words like de-bauch-er-y...I almost lost my nerve. Listening to these little creeps hissing and spitting for 84 minutes is a lot like being hit on by some barfly who continues to bludgeon you with his hot breath and corny lines without ever noticing that you've thrown up into your pint.

Uh, anyway. So what actually happens in the movie. Why would anyone ever allow someone to record video of them revealing the ugliest, most embarrassing parts of themselves? Especially a kid, for whom popularity and reputation are often a matter of life or death--literally and specifically, in the case of this story. The flimsy reason is that the late filmmaker, Amelia, was the most awesomest girl ever. Everybody loved her, because she was so sweet, and so smart, and so cool, and so nice, and so deep, and so original, and so talented, and so sexy, and just like, the bestest most perfectest girl in the whole wide world. N.B. "The greatest of all time" is, perhaps counter-intuitively, a really bad quality that makes for really shitty, boring characters. For better or worse, Amelia is rarely on screen (and when she is, she's no Laura Palmer, frankly), so it's up to the viewer to just sort of imagine a type of person who could make you act against your best interests on account of you just like them so much. After all, so many of the characters were obsessed with her in some way, that it's like they're here to help you clap your hands and believe in this seductive, compelling part of the movie, that just isn't actually there on the screen. The anonymous antihero behind the confessional booth scheme slowly extracts from each character the selfish, destructive behavior that in some way contributed to the tragic loss of the most amazing person of all time--and part of the result is, if not a very interesting excuse for Amelia's death, then a story so wacky that I really wish they had centered the movie on it, instead of on the tawdry soap opera we're locked into. Even if that imaginary movie had been really bad, and it probably would have been, at it would at least have been entertaining.

Part of what leads up to the death of Amelia is the existence of a secret school fight club, led by a stereotypically sleazy gender studies major, named Major, who is out to prove men's inherent superiority. The club is called CFB, or Cock Fights Back, which is somehow a garbled pun relating to cock fights, and Trump's famous line of "locker room talk": "grab'em by the pussy" > "pussy grabs back" > "cock fights back". CFB is different from your ordinary fight club in that the fights are always between girls and boys, and the boys are always blindfolded, in order to prove that a fully-abled female is no match for even a handicapped male. To complicate things, a new designer amphetamine is gaining popularity on campus, called "odds-on", meaning that it makes you the odds-on favorite in your CFB fight. As awkward as that is, it also seems that men are never the guaranteed winners of these fights, which makes you wonder why Major insists on continuing to host them. As much as I would have preferred to watch a stupid movie about this stupid idea, I'm stuck instead with a movie in which Major is such an aggressive MRA because he's secretly gay, and he thinks that hating women is a great way to hide that...as if that isn't what we all openly suspect about aggro MRAs. Secret gayness is a big part of this movie, involving multiple characters, although it amounts to very little other than the perpetuation of some stale, harmful cliches about how unfulfilled homosexual urges lead to suicide, sexual abuse, and murder. CONFESSIONAL is just as reliant on this grim vision of gay life, as it is on its weirdly obtuse discussion of drug addiction, for the suffocating sense of self-importance that it uses to try to elevate itself above its porn-y trappings. None of the movie's hot button issues are given any real thought, but are only dragged through the mud to create the illusion that there's a point to all this, thus relieving the film of any sense of innocence that could have made its condescending sleaziness forgivable.

Admittedly, I can't really remember all the details of the film's tortured intrigue anymore, even though I basically just saw it. A lot of its meandering revelations just left me thinking, "Why did I need to know that? Why should I care?" I do know that about half way through this ordeal, I became really anxious about whether it would turn out that CONFESSIONAL did NOT have exactly the same plot as 30 MILES FROM NOWHERE after all, and I put myself through all this for nothing. But no, I was right to begin with. The wonderful Amelia's ethically dubious film project has been picked up by the unhinged lesbian character who loved her so much she wanted to become her, and killing Amelia and usurping her confessional project was apparently the best way of doing that. I guess exposing all the dark, violent secrets of all these tangentially involved characters was just an added bonus, or whatever. Ultimately, this ugly, ignorant PSA about something-or-other only deals itself further damage by relying so heavily on the potential of its clumsy twist to blow your mind, which it does not at all.

So that was it, that's how I burned a whole afternoon allowing my mind to implode-not-explode under the ponderous force of TWO (2) movies about exactly the same exhausted cliche that is still being peddled by certain pretentious assholes as fresh and exciting, and beyond the capacity of the audience to anticipate. There's probably a whole slew of other movies that employ this overly familiar "surprise", but I don't have it in me to dig them out of my long-suffering brain. Feel free to contribute in the comments. For now, I must prepare myself for the ordeal of Blogtober, during which I will *hopefully* choose my screening selections and words more thoughtfully than I have in previous years, when this blog was motivated by just as much abject misanthropy as these movies, which do nothing but willfully insult the audience's intelligence. Maybe today's detour into degradation will help me go forth toward more additive experiences, having purged several lungfuls of meaningless venom from my system, and this season will bring with it more interesting, provocative posts than the last. Or maybe not! In any case, I promise to keep trying my hardest to make it funny.

PS I actually love both FAT GIRL and WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE. I’m “just saying”.

#blogtober #2020 #confessional #2019 #30 miles from nowhere #horror #thriller #black comedy #found footage #brad t gottfred #jennifer wolfe #jennifer bosworth #caitlin koller

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khaoticvex · 5 years

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Just a reminder that I’ve been more active with art on my deviantArt and Instagram lately.

Altho not much lately, because school’s been kicking my ass with art assignments, I’m doing comms...or...just bein sad, in all honesty.

I haven’t really said much here but this...whole year has been hell. Found out a lot of bad news regarding finances and everything. I’ll do a little bullet list so you’re all updated lmfao

I went into debt in order to fix my mom's SUV in Jan and took out $500 from my pocket, plus did about...$700 in commissions. This car is my only form of transportation since I haven’t been able to take my truck out on the road (outside of neighborhoods) or even...practice driving it regularly (its a stick shift)

The SUV is $60 in gas every week to get to classes so that’s cool (when my truck would be like...$25)

My mom won’t stop fucking drinking. I’m so tired of her drinking. And dealing with it.

Found out that the social security my mom, sister and I get from my dad passing away is being cut down this May from $2600 to $1300...and that 50% we’re losing is my MOMS portion, for some reason. We lose the other half when my sister, currently 16, turns 18

Rent is $1300

Yesterday I was told I might not qualify to work 20 hours and be cut down to 15, but I think that’s being handled...because it’s workstudy and it technically doesn’t make ANY sense. System glitch??

I’m president of my club since last semester so that’s a whole lot of socializing and expectations I’m handling but...sleep sounds nice

Someone close to me confessed abt their feelings and since then I’ve spiraled into a constant, DAILY, self-doubt about myself and my interest in relationships. Thought I was demi, but I can’t fucking...grasp IRL relationships and why they’re so amazing~~!!! So i think i might be ace but I keep doubting myself which is unfamiliar territory

I feel super attention-needy lately. Posting this feels super...needy...but I want to vent to no one in particular

Going through another “I hate my art” kind of phase, or “I’m not improving enough” - does that happen when people praise me more abt my style??? is that a thing??

Ever since I got a bunch of bad news (suv, social security, the crush) I’ve shut down on socializing and feel like a terrible person

I also snapped at someone late last year who’s a pretty well-known artist on dA but is a shit person...and I’m afraid she’s going to call me out and bring up drama because that’s how she is

getting hard core deja vu or some shit with middle school and........things. I don’t like it.

I’m just so....tired

So now that my little vent is over...um. I’ll get around to posting art again here if I can, and hopefully, get out of this stupid depression ditch I’ve found myself in for two months straight.

It’s not...all bad, though. I’ve been receiving a lot of commissions which is amazing and makes me emotional in a nice way <333 those are fun and help me. I’ve managed to make enough to pay for my bills over the summer so I can take a break! Breathe for a bit without homework due dates or socializing IRL.

If you’re waiting for a comm...thank you for your patience. I’ll get to it soon <3

#vent #khaotic text #sorry guys lol theres a few ppl i dnt want seeing this but i think...maybe writing my thoughts down #where they wont see but gettng them off my chest #might be helpful #im not asking for pity or anything but just umm #keeping you up to date #thanks for sticking with me guys

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cosmicsynthetics · 5 years

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Plaggot Species Concepts by EnterTheDwelling

I had some Myriaverses creature concept art lying around on my computer and spruced it up to post-able condition. They're still deep in the development phase, but the rough idea of this creature is that it's an artificially created animal made by a colony of humans living quite far away from Earth. They were developed to eat vast amounts of plastics to help with the planet's pollution problem, and were often contained in pits and landfills specifically filled with this type of trash. Plaggots are modular, much like siphonophores, and each "segment" can technically be separated from the main mass and encouraged to grow into a new, complete plaggot. Also, plaggots are hollow; much more like a segmented tube than a solid creature. All of their organs and most metabolic processes are actually embedded within the muscular walls of the animal. The plaggot fills its chambers with plastics and then secrets enzymes to break them down, giving it the energy and nutrients it needs to live. They are not considered even remotely close to sapient OR sentient. This exclusively instinct-driven setup makes them excellent at their job, but a nightmare outside of it. Unfortunately, they eventually multiplied out of control and started to escape their intended habitat when the amount of plastic trash finally ran low enough. They began spreading out and causing havoc by mindlessly eating equipment, wiring, plastic accessories (along with the people wearing them oops)... literally just anything that had plastic in or on it. What made the epidemic worse is that when plaggots "starve", they don't properly die. They just deactivate and can lie dormant for a very long time before weathering down till they can't be reactivated. Thankfully, the local populace is still around and has since learned to deal with their runaway creations, capturing them and augmenting them into tools and AI companions. Plaggots have been "feral" for several centuries now, so they're just a normal part of life at this point. Sometimes, you just have to call in "animal control" to catch that rhino-sized trash eating monster behind your apartment block! ... Oh! By the way! Those "eyes"? Those are actually holes with a small ridge of light-sensitive tissue around the borders. It's not uncommon for the vapors produced from digesting plastic to vent out of them as the plaggot metabolizes.

♦♦♦ Commission Info | DA Exclusives Commission Info | Patreon | Ko-fi ♦♦♦

#CSArt #Art #SFW Art #SFW #DAntics #Myriaverses #Aeonoea #Worldbuilding #Original Setting #Original Species #Plaggot #Plaggots #species concept #species concepts

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toumakibangs · 6 years

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This is my family: I found it all on my own. [Part V. Christmas]

SERVICE NOTE: Here we are with the last prompts of the TouMaki Month! I’m so very sorry for the delay, but I went long with writing because of work issues and after that I’ve been without internet for a while (still am, technically)! If you’re reading this, it means that he last fics have been queued and they’re being uploaded as we speak: a post every two hours, from 3pm to 5am, CEST time. My advice is to check the blog if you don’t want to miss any, because if you’re going to browse the tags (‘toumaki month 2018’ and ‘toumaki’), Tumblr will only show you three posts per blog.

Anyway, at 7am CEST time we’ll upload a recap post featuring ALL the entries to the Month, so you can browse them more easily (I’m also saving the final Goodbyes and Thank You-s for then).

My apologies again for the wobbly schedule and I hope you’ll enjoy these last fireworks!

Prompt: “Quiet! They can hear us”

Jules’ Notes: The long-awaited conclusion of our multichaptered SingleDads!AU! :D

The package that Makishima is holding hits the doorframe with a thud and Toudou hisses.

- Quiet! They can hear us!

- They could hear us just fine even an hour ago, but I didn’t see you getting so worked up and worried over that, earlier.

- That’s a lie and you know it!

- I had to press a pillow into your face to muffle the noise.

- It was just. One. Time. Besides, this is different: I would have never wanted to get interrupted by either of our toddlers, but them hearing us during this? It’s going to ruin their Christmas, and I cannot allow it.

Makishima regards him with high eyebrows and a newly found respect.

- Neither can I. Which is why I was trying to be as silent as possible. But evidently I was not silent enough.

- Let me help. They called me Sleeping Beauty in high-school because I could move in perfect silence, especially while dealing with bicycles.

- I asked Arakita and he said they all called you Forest Ninja behind your back.

Toudou loses his composure.

- That’s so lame and absolutely not true!

- Shut up!!! They will hear us!

Toudou slaps his hand over his mouth and lets Makishima take the lead.

It’s Christmas night, Makishima invited Toudou and his child over to celebrate the holiday the Western way and right now they’re leaving tiny, wrapped-up bikes (complete with helmets and training wheels) under the tree for Sakamichi and Sangaku to find, come morning.

They’re also easing their way into a relationship that looks more and more promising as days go by. It’s not the first night they spend together, but it’s the first time they do it with the kids in the house. Said kids are currently sleeping in Sakamichi’s bed (large enough for the two of them), although not out of their own volition: they’ve tried to stay up late to meet Santa, offer him warm milk and biscuits and ask him how he manages to bring presents to all the good children of the world in one night, but sleep won them over a little before 11pm. The parents tucked them in and were planning on setting up the morning scene before retiring into the privacy of Makishima’s bedroom themselves, but someone had to drink the milk and eat the cookies, and the couch was very comfortable, and they had not indulged in some little display of affection for the whole day – so one thing led to another and it wasn’t until late into the night that they got up and retrieved the presents.

The bikes were Toudou’s idea, one that Makishima agreed with wholeheartedly: there were biking circuits at the parks they attended and paths easily accessible in the mountains that the boys would have loved to ride. Engaging in some kind of sport would have done both Sakamichi and Sangaku good, and they had been talking endlessly about bikes since the time they had crossed a bunch of cyclist during their last trip to Hakone. Their enthusiasm for the sport had skyrocketed when they had learned that both their parents were well versed in the art of road racing, and held a special interest in climbing hills. That bit of information had been a pleasant surprise for the adults too, one that had kept them up over a beer or three in Toudou’s apartment one evening when Tadokoro’s sons had invited Sakamichi and Shunsuke for a sleepover and Sangaku was spending the night with Toudou’s sister. They had attested, on that occasion, that both of them indeed sported the leg muscles of people who cycled regularly.

When the bikes are safely nestled under the lower branches of the tree, partially hidden by the garlands and shiny baubles that he and Sakamichi picked together last year to celebrate their first Christmas as a family (but still very much visible for the attentive eyes of over-excited children who are looking for presents), Makishima stands up and offers his hand to Toudou, leading him into his bedroom. He closes the door without making a sound, and gasps softly (more out of pleasure than of surprise) at the warm body suddenly pressed against his back. He trails his fingers over the toned arms loosely draped around his waist and leans back until he only has to turn his head to press his lips on Toudou’s cheek and jaw, making him shiver.

- Hello.

Toudou finds his lips again and Makishima turns into his arms to kiss him in a more comfortable position. It passed virtually no time since they snogged each other on the couch, but the privacy of a bedroom awakens even the most dormant libido and it’s not long since both of them feel the need of make things horizontal and take them onto a mattress. It’s new, this kind of longing: though a late bloomer, Makishima has always been familiar with sexual urges and the craving of an intimate touch, but while in his early twenties, also thanks to an alternate lifestyle and work environment, he’d given in to all of them and indulged in lots of sex, casual and not, now it’s different. He’s not changed in the sense that he’s lost interest in sex, but he’d had other priorities, lately, and found another kind of balance that was too precious to disrupt with flings and too demanding to leave him time for a relationship. But Toudou fitted in that balance because he had stemmed from it, falling into Makishima’s lap when he least expected it, when he’d given up on this side of his life – maybe not for good, but certainly for the time being. Toudou makes his stomach clench and his hands itch, he awakens latent cravings and sates them with an expert touch and no rush. Being with Toudou is comfortable in the way relationships while being a single gay parent never are. Their schedules don’t always match, but they do very often. They both understand when the other has to call off their planned date because his child has an upset stomach, or because the day was just too long. They don’t roll their eyes when the other ends up talking about his kid for most of the time, because they know what it feels like, needing to vent, needing a friendly ear, needing someone that knows what it’s like. Being with Toudou when it’s just the two of them behind closed doors, toddlers safely forgotten for a couple of hours, is satisfying in all the ways that count – fulfilling, even when their evenings don’t end in an orgasm. They haven’t been able to really sleep together many times, so far: there are just so many nights off a single parent can take, but Makishima doesn’t feel sappy to admit they’ve been magical. And magical is this one too, and not only because it’s Christmas.

Makishima tugs him down on the bed and kisses back, soft and pliant, and Toudou rediscovers what it means caring for someone that is not his son. Because Makishima, in a totally different way from Sangaku, rekindles his instinct to protect and care for someone else. For an adult, for an equal, for an independent human being that doesn’t really need a shelter, but you want to provide for anyway – because everyone needs a little pampering every now and then and, above all, because it makes you happy. And it makes Toudou happy indeed, to be wanted like this, to be craved for the man he is. Makishima’s hands on his body are a blessed reminder that he’s still made of flesh and blood, and that he has yet to stop giving on such department. The time they spend together with or without their sons, the laughs they share, the intimacy – he feels like a perpetually starving man whom only these things can sate. Makishima quenches his thirst and eases his mind, holds him up when he feels wobbly and shows him some colour when he feels blue. Makishima reminds him every day that being a single parent doesn’t mean being single in every sense of the word, not to mention alone. Makishima sends sparks through his body and milks it dry like it’s the most natural thing in the world, and it probably is, now that he thinks about it. And it can be even if they both are responsible for two young children with a troubled history. He sleeps better, when he does so with Makishima. He wakes up much more rested, after passing an evening or a couple of hours alone together – and it’s such an addicting sensation that he’s not ashamed to admit he’s been doing everything in his powers to keep feeling it. To make sure nights like this one can be more than a sweet exception.

They didn’t go all the way back in the living room: too risky, and maybe too soon, but they can now – and although they take their sweet time, it almost feels like release comes too soon. It always does, in their opinion. And tonight, more than ever, when they lay back after tidying themselves up (at least one positive thing about having toddlers around is that you’re never out of tissues or wet wipes), half-clothed and drowsy, they feel the bulky and quite cumbersome presence of the elephant in the room. Toudou addresses it and his doubts, but he knows he’s speaking for both of them and maybe, just maybe, he hopes that the night, on virtue of being Christmas and, therefore, holding a magic of its own, will bring the best answers.

- What do we do, now?

Makishima curls up on his left side to mirror Toudou’s stance and look at him.

- About what?

- This. Us.

Makishima sighs and rubs his face and eyes. Toudou instinctively brings up a hand to rub his arm and caress his head. Makishima holds onto it.

- I don’t know, honestly.

- Come here, please.

Makishima rolls into his embrace, but Toudou feels like he’s the one being held and supported – that’s the kind of power Makishima has on him.

- I… I don’t know if I can keep doing this, Maki-chan.

Makishima tenses and Toudou makes a shushing, soothing sound not very different from the ones he uses with Sangaku, when he fusses.

- …d-do you want to quit?

Toudou hugs him tighter.

- No. Quite the contrary, actually. Do you want to quit, now?

Makishima shakes his head, and pulls him closer.

- Not at all. Quite the contrary, if I could have it my way.

They sigh in unison, minds reeling but tension slightly dissipated now that they have implicitly stated they’re on the same page about their feelings for each other.

- What do we do, then?

Makishima kisses him, and although it doesn’t solve the issue it’s still a welcome, not to mention of fundamental importance in order to put things into perspective, interlude.

- Do you think we should tell the kids?

Toudou sighs.

- They will start asking questions, if we keep this up. Better yet, I feel that if we decide we’re being more open about this and more or less officialising it, they should know the truth.

Makishima nods.

- To be honest, I’m more worried about the reaction of all the other people who might hear about this, and how Sakamichi might respond to that.

Toudou kisses his forehead.

- I know what you mean. But it’s not like we don’t have a trusted net of friends and relatives who might have our backs and, by extension, our kids’. I can’t promise everything will always go smoothly, but I’m positive that our children will always have a safe circle of people they can rely on, and they will always know how much they’re loved.

- I really don’t want to disrupt Sakamichi’s life, right now. Or put my selfish needs before his well-being.

Toudou swallows. He’s asked himself the same thing, over and over, in the past weeks: is it being selfish, on a parent’s part, to think about their own chances at happiness?

- I know I wouldn’t be able to live with myself, if my actions directly caused Sangaku harm or distress, after everything he’s been through and after everything we’ve accomplished together.

- Exactly.

- …but I also think that kids can only benefit from their parents’ happiness. I mean… I’m better, when I’m with you. I feel better, afterwards. More energetic, more relaxed. And Sangaku notices. Because I’m better with him too. I certainly smile more.

Makishima squeezes him in an emotional display of agreement.

- If we tell the children and act transparent, spending so much time at each other’s places wouldn’t be so weird or unusual anymore.

- Indeed, it wouldn’t. Although I believe I will have to hold onto my and Manami’s apartment quite tightly: he has developed a routine and it’s given him a stability I wouldn’t have hoped for. He has improved a lot, lately.

- Me too: Sakamichi has got used to his house and his room – he likes it a lot, here, has a sense of belonging. I can’t take that away from him. Certainly not now.

They sigh again, although it has a more melancholic sound to it, now. This time, it’s Toudou who leans in for a kiss.

- It’s not ideal, but I fear it’s the best we can hope for, at the moment.

Makishima agrees and kisses back.

- We’ll make do, for now.

They are woken up by the shrill cries of over-excited children who just found out Santa did indeed leave something for them under the tree – and of course they have to tell their parents first, even if it means barging into Makishima’s bedroom and climbing both on the bed and on top of their respective fathers to jump on their legs until they’re awake. Luckily, they pulled apart during the night, and Sakamichi and Sangaku didn’t catch them in compromising positions.

They get pulled into the living room as soon as they’re awake enough to keep their eyes open for more than three seconds, and once in charge of screaming toddlers running around the sofa and the tree in anticipation, they do indeed forget everything about sleep.

The bikes elicit the intended reaction, and they spend a good part of the early morning mounting all the pieces, taking pictures and checking the weather to promise the children that yes, if they behave and agree on dressing appropriately they can go in the courtyard and try their new bolides after breakfast. Which is a loud and messy affair. But an extremely joyful one, as well.

They manage to have a couple of hours of untainted fun in the open before it starts snowing again, and although they allow the kids to play a little among the snowflakes, it’s soon clear that they’d better get back inside. There’s a little protesting, but the prospect of more presents to open and of a second breakfast made of pancakes is enough to bribe the kids into agreeing.

Sangaku and Sakamichi drew each other Christmas cards at kindergarten, and obviously prepared more elaborate ones for their fathers, full of childish love and devotion and, in Sakamichi’s case, glitter. Toudou and Makishima pretend they don’t see each other’s wet eyes as they thank their kids profusely and coddle them shamelessly.

Toudou has gifted Sakamichi a Love!Hime set of bike decorations and hat, while Makishima got Sangaku a baby-blue backpack for their excursion with tiny angel wings sprouting from the sides. As the children talk excitedly about their new possessions and enjoy the holiday, Toudou touches Makishima’s arm to get his attention.

- Actually, I have something for you too.

It’s a golden necklace that Makishima has mentioned during one of their dates. It’s at the same time perfect and absurd, because Makishima got Toudou a similar one that he, too, noticed during the same date. The instinct is to jump each other’s bones right there right now, but they can’t in front of the kids and settle for helping each other putting on their respective necklaces, although with a little more touching than necessary, maybe.

Then the kids stop playing to look at them, and ask about the presents they’ve just exchanged, because it’s weird for adults to do that, isn’t it?

It takes them just a quick glance to understand and silently agree that yes, this is it, because the atmosphere is perfect, they have the best excuse to introduce the matter and it’s Christmas, which kind of means nothing can go wrong today - therefore this is not only the right moment, but the one and only too. Toudou swallows and clears his throat.

- Sangaku, Sakamichi… – he starts, and he exchanges a pregnant look with Makishima, who smiles at him, takes his hand and nods, giving him courage. The kids look at them expectantly. Toudou takes a deep breath, but Makishima senses his uneasiness and comes to his rescue.

- Boys, there is something we’d like to tell you.

#toumaki month 2018 #submission #toumaki #julesdrenages

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babaleshy · 3 years

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Something I May Need to Stop Doing...

I'll be venting in this post, but this is about the desire to move out of a desperate want for change right now even though such a move is not meant to be.

On occasion, I go onto zillow's website and check out houses around Pittsburgh out of curiosity just to see what houses are going for what price in what kind of condition. I've noticed something incredibly enticing: there are some houses going for under $100,000 and are technically livable. It's just got flaking/chipping paint, may need new rugs, and other general clean-ups. The only "major" thing I wanna do to any of these houses falling under this criteria is the fact that I feel more comfortable with a tin roof.

These houses that I find are within city limits, most of these houses I've shown an interest in are close to sidewalks. This means if I were to move into one of these houses, then I'd have a chance to properly commute!

Ah, but why exactly am I making this post? What is it that I'm venting about? And what did I mean earlier when I said "not meant to be?"

Back in 2014 (autumn, specifically), my husband and I had to move out of our apartment in downtown Pittsburgh to my parents' farm in Ohio. Two reasons made us do this: one was the skyrocketing rent prices when HUD sold our building, causing rent to go from $539/mo to $720/mo. My husband worked at a casino, and was making $10/hr, so when rent prices went up like mad, we really began to struggle to survive. The other thing was bedbugs. The building manager laughed at our discomfort and said, "What do you expect me to do about it? Where would everyone go for the building to be treated?" Like, you're a shit manager if you haven't come up with those contingency plans.

Paying $720/mo for a bedbug-infested apartment (bedbugs are fucking hard to get rid of) and living in a constant state of itchy breakout made us decide it was time to move in with my parents. Because we literally could not afford to live anywhere else, and our student loan debt fucked up our credit scores, so we couldn't even get a house (and we were looking for one at the time!).

We used to think living on this farm was temporary until reality set in, that there is absolutely no possible way for us to make it on our own now. My husband has ADHD and anxiety and is still struggling to practice to get his driver's license (it's hard when my dad is a major source of my husband's stress; my dad's an asshole and gets worse by the year), and I'm Autistic, so I can't hold down a regular job, and nothing else is hiring.

In terms of getting a job for me at all, either I'd have to go to school for my special interest for the job (ecology, entomology, and/or paleontology) or I'd rather work in a library.

Welp, college is far too expensive for me to pay out of pocket, and my already existing student loan debt is barring me from getting any sort of financial aid to go back to school at all. As far as the library is concerned? Remember when I said my husband is currently struggling to practice for his license? (He doesn't get much practice because my dad is a stressful asshole that makes my husband have a horrible headache and anxiety after he drives). We have 2 vehicles, one my mom uses to get to work, and the other my dad uses to take my husband to work as well as do errands in like grocery shopping and shit like that.

I can't get a ride.

Can't ride a bicycle, either. It's definitely not safe (I live in America, if you couldn't tell). My parents' farm is deep within one of the back roads with one of the properties on this road being an oil rig. The oil workers drive like assholes, not caring what animal they hit, speeding through here. There are dirtbikes and four-wheelers that speed through here, too. There's no room for 2 vehicles to pass one another, and nothing but pure fucking hill the moment you step off the side of the road. I literally cannot bike here.

But let's pretend I got onto one of the main roads on either end of our road. It's even worse! And STILL no room for bicyclists! This goes for fucking miles until you reach a residential area! Except for a nearby little village-town that has the closest library branch. It's the village my husband grew up in, but there's a lot of sketchy turns, corners, and again, no room for bicycles. This includes main roads.

With all this in mind, I actually considered the possibility of moving to that village, because the village itself is actually safe enough to bike ride in. The problem is: I'm not guaranteed to get a job at the library at all. I tried getting a job as a library clerk at the Carnegie Library in Pittsburgh, got interviewed and everything, and didn't get the job for whatever reason. In fact, I'm not guaranteed a job at all at any library branch, regardless of the neighborhood. So moving to such an area depending on the chance of being hired there is not worth it.

Such a village is actually rather unfriendly, and that goes for a lot of communities here on this side of Ohio. You'd think this was one of the southern states from its people and what flags they fly.

So why not Pittsburgh? Why not move there if we could?

Well, I thought about it. It has all the perks I could expect such as public transportation, somewhat safer bicycling areas to commute to school and work, and more importantly: THINGS TO DO.

Living in the middle of nowhere blows when you want to, on your own without relying on someone to drive you, go and do something, such as buying fabric or art supplies for future projects, or going to the library, or anything, really! Yeah, I do want to garden, but I don't have the means to do that on a damn farm (long, frustrating story that made me stop believing my parents' promises).

Not to mention, I still have friends in Pittsburgh, If I wanna see them, they don't have to drive an hour and 45 minutes (and that's if they have a car) to visit. I got 2 friends here in the area, and they're busy with their work's demanding schedules. When we do hang out, Cards Against Humanity, Uno, and D&D can only do so much until it gets old and boring and you wanna do something else that isn't hanging out at a dead mall. There is truly nothing to do here. Pittsburgh has the museums, libraries, parks, and far more interesting establishments to lurk in.

So again: why not Pittsburgh?

Because that city has changed and is still changing compared to when I was last there. My regular watering hole (The Beehive) is no more. There are neighborhoods being gentrified (meaning I'm not guaranteed to keep my home even if I pay it off). Businesses are closing, meaning people will be losing their jobs, and some of the other places hiring (like libraries) are not guaranteed to hire me, especially when I haven't had a job since 2010.

There's also my cat to consider; she gets stressed at the sound of a lawn-mower (I don't blame her). She wouldn't be able to handle the sounds of the city. Unless we found a place not too close to downtown, such a move is a no-go.

I've daydreamed about living in Pittsburgh again. I'm homesick for Pittsburgh. I've realized only recently that that city was my home. Not this farm, not even the house I grew up in. I felt like a person who didn't have to rely on people for rides and such. It's the only place where I've truly lived on my own and enjoyed it.

I've actually considered moving out of this country and found that even more impossible. No matter which country you pick, no matter what language you learn, not only do you have to pay for your things to be shipped, for your plane ticket for a one-way trip, or whatever you need to become a citizen there, you still have to pay at least $2,000 to revoke your American citizenship or else you will be forced to pay American taxes despite never setting foot on American soil ever again.

Thanks to capitalism, America has made it fucking impossible for the average person to leave for good. If you are born here, you are financially enslaved here unless you're wealthy enough to leave.

So... What's the plan?

Well, for now: not much. The pandemic has set plans back a bit, but my parents have a lien on the house thanks to my private student loans my mom was bullied and forced into co-signing for. She... I guess?... is almost done paying them off? I don't know. My parents don't like communicating need-to-know info with me and then get mad when I don't absorb it through osmosis. Once the lien is taken off the house, mom wants to move north to be near her sister, and she said she'll try finding a farm for sale near Kent State so it'll be an easier commute (be it by bicycle or by car). My intention is to enroll there to be able to get a job as an ecologist (focus in entomology, specializing in arachnology) with a minor in paleontology.

Once I've gotten that all taken care of (as well as my husband going back to school for what he wants), we move to the pacific northwest, mainly just north of Seattle somewhere.

I hate Ohio. I hate running into people I've gone to school with that I try to avoid (more like I see them, but they don't recognize me? At least I hope not?). I hate this place so much. I hate this climate, being near people I don't want just randomly showing the fuck up. And what's the use of living near family when they don't want to bother visiting you? I hate hearing my mom tell me so-and-so that I obviously want nothing to do with told her to tell me they said hi. I'm tired of fearing I'll run into someone that abused me in the past because now they're back in the fucking area again apparently.

I've got my fingers crossed that something is gonna give and college to some level (community college?) will be free for residents or something. It'll give me a chance to go back to school for something close to what I wanna do so I can maybe get a job? Completing something at a community college would at least make it easier for me to get enrolled at a university.

My husband and I picked Seattle (or close to Seattle) for its climate. It's (usually) not blistering hot every goddamn year, and it's not horribly cold thanks to the mountain range (I'm quite cold-intolerant). We both enjoy overcast weather and rain. We'd rather take our chances with volcanoes than earthquakes or hurricanes in areas where these things are guaranteed to happen yet nobody ruling these areas wants to invest in infrastructure that helps stand a chance against them. Seattle also has a nice combination of city and wilderness side-by-side. Not much of that with Pittsburgh.

If I was forced to only move to Pittsburgh and no other city, I wouldn't mind, especially since I'm more familiar with Pittsburgh than I am with anything in my current local area (because I had to travel on foot instead of relying on a car to get to places!). Fuck, my mom wouldn't even let me do anything by myself out of the yard when we lived in the village I grew up in because she was a paranoid fuck and by the time I JUST STARTED gaining independence for having a bike and bicycling to the post office everyday, we moved to this farm.

Oh, this isn't a roof over my head I should be thankful for. My parents got screwed. Our water is full of iron and calcium that no filter can fix, so we constantly have plumbing problems, the post and internet connections are questionable at best, we get ant infestations from 2 species EVERY YEAR, all for a farm my mom wanted for horses she always wanted and eventually got but has little next to no energy to spend the time she wants with them and she refuses to admit her age has a lot to do with it on top of her working so she sits in the living room on THREE DIFFERENT DEVICES sucking up bandwidth to religiously watch every fucking livestream of a country singer she likes (and complains if she's missing it for any reason!), scroll through Facebook, and play a fucking shitty app game!

Our internet out here? The physical equipment is outdated (copper wires instead of fiber-optic cables) because the fucking company doesn't wanna spend the money to upgrade it.

So instead, we're stuck here, with my husband losing his sanity bit by bit by the day at his shitty retail job (every other available job offering would be worse in this area) and I sit here and hope that maybe, JUST MAYBE, I could start gardening soon.

I miss Pittsburgh. I really do. But despite all of its benefits it would give me and my husband if we moved back, I don't think it will happen.

In the off-chance that we don't move north, that my dad's assholery intensifies and he decides to remain here (he has to legally agree to sell this house in order for my mom to move north; dad's reasons keep fucking changing), Pittsburgh is a nice back-up plan. Pitt University actually has the major I'd want to go back to school for, as well as what my husband wants to go back to school for, and we'd already be familiar with the city and what to expect of it. However, we're aiming higher, and hoping to move to the pacific northwest, instead.

But I think to avoid losing my sanity, I should stop daydreaming about a future that may never be.

Fingers crossed!

#rant #ramble #vent #I wanna move so bad but can't

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