#its not even been a week but i miss her

[action-not-despair]

shut up im thinking abt loquatious' final speech again. such a small detail is that he mispronounces zerxus' name. which is fine, hell he did it with his own name in the first episode's broadcast. but theres something about this one.

zerxus has made a Deal, and if anyone in the ring of brass knows something about deals itd be our faerie warlock. and i think about vespin chloras, whos wish to not be forgotten was granted by being remembered as the worst villain in history. and i think about how loquatious tells laerryn "history is not true". and how faerie and devilish lore both share a belief in the importance of names.

and yeah, its probably not that deep. but maybe, just maybe, it was loquatious' way of protecting his friend from the march of history flattening a person's identity into a word on a sheet of paper.

#exu calamity #loquatius seelie #zerxus ilerez #exu zerxus #loquatious seelie #how the fuck do you spell this assholes name? ik how to spell the word. but did he do it different for the name? #anyway. im rewatching #been thinking abt all of them #i miss them :( #like. between that and that recording he made but didn't send of his resignation? #i want a fic or something where beau finds BOTH of those recordings and makes a conspiracy board on the fuck these people were #and who the fuck that? elf???? what even is he??? is that obviously was willing unreliable as he was clearly telling two different stories #but clearly loved this woman who we only have a title of?? #anyway. i think loquatious would drive beau crazy from beyond the dead and itd be pretty funny #she locks herself in her office for a week before the nein break in like 'what the fuck' and its full conspiracy board in there

[claratyler]

Do you ever think about how pets only live like 12-17 years, which is NOTHING, and somehow you're lucky enough to coincide and share those ≈15 years with your very own specific kitty or doggy? How wonderful is that. Out of the entire history of time, they're only here for a few years, and we have the honor to be there with them

#god its been over a week. im literally in shambles. thought i was doing 'better' #cause i didnt cry for like 3 days but now its happening again and i miss her so much #i miss her so much what i wouldnt give to hug her and give her a little treat #or hell even take her out to pee at 3 am #or be annoyed by her barking at 6 am because she wants company and my mom left #or give her her medicine which WAS SO HARD TO GIVE HER OMG #or give her the physiotherapy that the vet recommended literally the day before she died that we never got to really do on her #other than that very night #god i miss my baby so much :( she was a mixed dog #prominent type was chihuahua but god knows what other combinations were there #she was so unique literally never seen a dog like that ever anywhere #precisely bc god knows what combination of dog races she was #oh my baby :( #animal death #pet death #pet grief #she was with me since i was 8 years old #and now im 24 #i cant imagine never seeing her again ever again :( #please come back baby 😭

[aqqleshiqqing-archive]

HI EVERYONE monday and tuesday are going to be my exam days so once those are over I'll be back to being active here and continue working on everyone's commissions 💚 this is just an announcement to keep everyone posted~ I'll respond to any unreplied messages soon, just give me time!

also, happy birthday to my fellow october celebrants! i'm aware that there's a lot of october mutuals here but i don't want to contact everyone to greet them especially if it's late so here's a generalized one 🎂 cheers to more years to come!

#admittedly it was very stressful this week and figured i'd shut down my activity on tumblr and avoid browsing excessively (it worked!) #we had a LOOT of performance tasks to do and it was all before exams which made it all the more panic inducing - but they're all done now! #i'm very excited about the new hypno's lullaby update now that its back in development (mostly fleshing out what was missing in v2!) #so I'll most probably be actively talking about it~ me and my friends are very excited! it's honestly like we manifested for it #it's such a coincidence no joke! i already had started rbing old posts about redemme and this happens its so... whoa #so so excited. though i honestly never left this fandom even if i started focusing on SM red and Steven!! #their songs are still actively playing on my phone so i never left it.... aheheh #I will most probably stop doing repostober just in case school will become hectic after exams - but its been super fun to share :] #well that's enough babbling! ill see you all possibly on wednesday or thursday <3 #im also gonna watch the digital circus soon im so proud to see how far gooseworx has gone <3 #ive been a long time fan of her songsss #~ rambling

[be-good-to-bugs]

you would think considering how much it loves sleeping that my body would, yknow, sleep when i ask it to. or even just when it has barely slept in days and im trying so hard to sleep

#the bin #uugghhhh i woke up at 1pm today bc my stupid idiot body refused to go to sleep at a reasonable time even tho i was alreday so sleep #deprived. i have to work at 6:30 tomorrow morning :/ so i guess i wont be sleeping till then bc i still have to clean stuff and shower #maybe maybe maybe ill get a nap in but idk. bleh. i hope after i get home my stupid body will sleep. its gonna have to bc i work 7 hours the #next day so i cant do that too sleep deprived. i really really hope i dont have to :( hhhh #i wanted so bad to get high last night mosty bc my body has been refusing to sleep this past week but my sister n her boyfriend didnt come #over so i wasnt able to get more edibles :( or boxes for packing. hhh. i need to move so soon! i have no idea what day its even gonna be yet #i badeky have an idea of how much its gonna cost either. they finally gave me a gas cost estimate afeyr ive been asking for 3 weeks #hhh. well. whatever. i only have 4 more shifts. im kinda sad tbh. i really like working here. my coworkers are so nice #tomorrow is probs the last time ill ever see my fav coworker. shes so nice. shes so nice she used he/him for me and calls me orb #i just mentioned the name in passing once after i changed my pronouns on my nametag and she noticed and she remember! #and before she used it for me she stopped and asked if i was comfortable with it or if i wanted to keep it private. i have never EVER met #another cis person who would even think to ask that. most cis people dont understand why you would care. shes like. the nicest person ive #ever ever met. why did i have to find such a great place to work in minnesota? well. even if i am super tired tomorrow morning itll probably #be ok. butbi really would prefer not to be. #i dont know why i havent been able to sleep properly. bleh. i do liek what edibles do to me its a fun time but its kinda annoying that i #cant use them very casually for sleep or pain. they incapacitate me for 14 hours minimum. #well. at least no matter how stressed i am abt everything. i will definitely be elsewhere in 18 days max. should be less than that. #i will miss this job and these coworkers but i am relived that i wont have to go to work for awhile. esp with this tooth pain. #and im so excited to be able to draw again! im glad im moving a month before artfight bc itll give me time to get shit prepped #i wanted so bad to participate last year but i wasnt able to come evn close to finishing any attacks bc i was too tired from working

[scribbyizback]

ok well now I'm fucking pissed

#tw vent #in the tags #its never #its never the child thats the problem #its the grown ass adult that thinks she can force a child to do whatever she wants her to do #but when look at the situation and think #huh #you are simply not right and this childs feelings are valid #maybe screaming and shouting at someone younger than ten and bringing physical violence isnt right #i mean seriously #maybe that simply is not right #and maybe i want to have the chance to fucking say that #maybe i wont stay silent when a sister is turning the house into her rage room #idgaf what your age is #its js proving how fucking immature you are #im just so #im fucking pissed #im not spoiling a child by giving her the ability to not be screamed at by you #you arent a fucking high and mighty princess that can control us #and we're not shittheads for being unnaccepting of that #i have had a shitty week #i am losing my fucking voice because of this fucking sinus thing and it hurts so fucking bad #ivs just been upset period #my family wont pay attention to the fact that i can struggle without telling them #and of course theyre not gonna know im hyperfixating #they wont let me have social media liek every. single. teenager(btw #if a modern day adolescent doesnt have social media they are missing so much bullshit its not even funny) #so how tf are they gonna know i fixate on THE ONE HORROR GAME THEY HATE WITH A PASSION???? #they never fucking asked #and i have to scream to be heard by this bitch ass of a sister that cant handle a child existing and doing the same shit she still does

[guinevereslancelot]

how is my friend's baby 12 days overdue and didn't come during the massive blizzard we had yesterday

#the entire town and most of the state had no power #the roads were basically impassable everywhere #thats exactly when you expect a baby to come esp if he's overdue #like he was WAITING for the blizzard #he wasnt going to come a week ago when the weather was nice and the roads were good #but no update so im assuming still no baby #he was never going to get a better chance to come at an inconvenient time #also im lowkey sad bc my mom pointed out he's probably never going to be able to wear tbe cute bear onsie i got him #its super warm and fluffy and he totes could have worn it if he came on time before easter #maybe not for beey long tho #but its april and this blizzard may have been our last snow 😔 #and he wont fit in it anymore in the fall #we have a slight chance of snow next week but more likely rain #anyway we shall see it might be chilly for a few more weeks and the occasional random day in april or may #but he's def missed peak dress your baby like a teddy bear weather #maybe i'll buy them the size up in the fall it wasnt that expensive lol #anyway my friend lives ~next door~ like half a mile away down a hill then up a really big hill and we couldn't get out of our driveway #but i told her to lmk if they needed anything bc i would have walked thru 2ft of snow if they needed it lol #but they were probably better off than we were bc they have a woodstove and probably a generator and her father in law has a snow plow #i think #so they probably weren't even trapped in the house lol

[belladonnafleur]

I hate people with dreams because I wish I could give up mine !!

#this isnt' meant to be a deep post im just screaming into the void #im back in the city and there is just this deep sense of dread and I wish I could call my friends and talk abt it but everyone who would #understand is too busy #I have one fren who I think mite but shes busy #I have one midterm this week and im still scared of my prof even tho ik she means well and I rightfully pissed her off last last week #I want to leave the committee I work for completely #I want to leave this school completely!! #aaaaaaaaaaa #I want to go grad school #I also just look online and I wish I went to a diff school than this one #bc my family does NOT have the money for this school if Id just waited and gone somewhere else I would not be in this much DEBT #ik i was in a tough situation a few yrs ago and HAD to just pick a school + get out #but still #I think just. if my life events hadn't been so shit and bad #if I hadn't been in such a Bad place during and after the pandemic id be at a diff school #one that didn't make me feel so BAD and one that didn't put me in so much debt #some of why im pissed off and anxious is lit my fault #I burned some bridges and hurt ppl and pissed them off!! #but yn when u make a mistake and everyone around u will def define u by it #bc me rn #I just need to leave and not come back #or if I do not come back for a long time #I wish I could pack my shit and do the rest of the sem online #the only thing I'd miss is choir bc I love it #all of my friends (most of) are in choirrrr #its the way choir is the only thing that makes me feel good I hATE everything else

[bangcakes]

.

#LOL why do i even worry #heard from my friend n we're meeting in 2 weeks. also invited my crushy wushy LMAO. god....... #this is so JDJJDJDJDMDMDMMDMZ #like i had a Feeling id be hearing from her but then i was like ah whatever.... i'll message her tomorrow no matter what JDJJDJXJXJXJ #and lookie lookie she messaged me hehehehhe #ive missed her so much JDJJDJDNDN #i was watching seulgi's channel n i was like omg.... shes just like my friend I MISS HER XJKFKKFKRMDX #and i get to see .... too so JDJDJJDDJDKDMD WOOOOO #the way he responded was so like nonchalent like lmao ok. like overly casual. like oh ya i should be around that day JDJJDJDJDJDMD #IDK WHY BUT THATS SO FUNNY LIKE LMAO. hes a specific funny made just for me like idk how to explain. i read his messages in his voice #n i just JDDJDJDD GOD HE IS DJTK4KD #so consistent. like i scream. he messages just like he talks. i cant handle it. like im the same way ive been told. #and maybe its the usual case with ppl but JDJDJDJDK IDK #the way he talks/texts is so specific. #god im obsessed with him like hes a kpop boy or somethin. god help me #to think last night in my past 3am thoughts thinking i was over him LMAO SO FUNNY SOOOO FUNNY GIRL #personal

[oatbugs]

they r soooo. anyway

#lol um anyway . i kissed them for the first time yesterday but it literally feels like a yr ago but it also feels like today #on a bridge at night against a cityscape. river looked like a painting...etc it was nice . and then. yh theres a lot to talk abt #so i dont wanna say it all rn bc im tired but yeah. they r . sooo. pretty cool etc etc. whatever im fine im just . angry that i dont get to #see them that often bc they live in a diff city etc. also took them to a spot which usually is like . relatively busy bc london is busy all #the time but it was cold and it was at night so there were like 0 people there. the view was so good but other things were better #also kissing smn w a vertical labret is actually just >>> #lol en ee way i miss them #im soo overwhelmed w life rn and theyre not rly helping but like. in a good way #i told my friend to lmk if he notices that im becomjng too engaged w romance to the point where im neglecting academics #and he immidiately said it. like according to him im thinking abt her too much when i should be thinkint abt philosophy too much #which is like. idk if that's true bc ik he has a rly skewed perspective bf he kind of swore off datint #etc but at the same time . wbat if hes right. omg. but also let me have this Moment #that was last week when i was forcefully taken to manchester by a university society . like we hadnt even kissed yet #i fell asleep bc ive been so exhausted and when i woke up i realised they briefly appeared in a dream i had #and then i started tearing up out of Fear bc like . whenever ive lost smn i loved the dreams were the worst #like . good dreams. were horrible. and now its like what if this turns out horrible ? but i dont wanna self sabotage bc i rly rly rly like #them . i gave them a rose and on the train home i could stop staring at their hands holding the rose #and i know theyve liked me for months and i know theyve been waiting for months but somehow its still like #what if it just fades. whatever happens happens ig. i took them a leaf compressed in a poetry book from #a book shop we found on our second date tgth. they gave me a necklace w a small vial and a tiny flower inside #its so pretty. thinking abt the way they put it on me + when they wrapped their arms around me when i was cooking for them etc etc #im FINE its FINE its OKAY . whatever !!!!! #[chroma blue]

[actual-changeling]

another day, more zelda totk brain rot i'm sorry guys. plus eurovision finals is TONIGHT so you will see that on my dash but i will try to tag it with #eurovision or #esc cause for some reason a shitload of people decided my tlou writing is good and follow me for that. this blog was nothing but a reblog factory once i swear.

ANYWAY silhouettes my fucking problem child. i think i solved the plot issues i had with it. i know what to write. it is being written in "chapter 13 for real now" so you can guess how that process went.

#alex yells at the void #alex scribbles tlou #i also have two tess and joel fics i wanna write/in the works #one about ellie's fedra trauma #one where i put joel into situations with his anxiety #ANOTHER fic about hands #the its quiet uptown one which girlies that one will take forever and it will be way too long but it is what it is #girlies (gender neutral) of course or id even misgender myself lol #plus a very painful idea about joel sleep and arms holding him the working title is sad little spoon joel #do i have college yes yes i do have i been going to lectures for the last two weeks no no i have no #in my defense my depression got my therapist so worried #she started sessions by trying to figure out if i was gonna kill myself or not #the answer is no miss therapist i will not #but boy i had her WORRIED that woman is losing sleep over me #best and worst patient at the same time i am winning at therapy

[butchfeygela]

i miss my ex. i want to talk to her. my alters want sto talk to her alters. ive been free from her for longer than i was even w her at this point and i still rapidly cycle between missing her and hating her

#she was my best friend i want tht back #yesbshe tried to kill me and turned our polycule into a sex drug cult and i lost my mind #her birthday is next week #i want to text her so badly #or maybe i would text Rae who we made a side fb for so i could message him when we were together #i wonder if shed even see the notif on Raes account #does rae miss me. i was the only person he loved and cared for and wanted to be with. we never got to say goodbye #i should be allowed to reach out its been fucking years #nikanie

[hermits-that-craft]

thank you guys for being patient with me while I’ve been gone. I don’t know if I’m fully ready to come back, but I’m going to slowly start to come back now. There’s context for why this is going to be a slow process for me in the tags. Just, tw death for them.

#so heres the context #on the 14th of june 2020 my twin lost her closest friend to terminal brain cancer #we has known that we would loose her for a while #and though she was not related to us she was our cousin #its only been two years but her death still really hurts us #especially my twin who met her in a hospital ward when they were 13 #early june is pretty hard for us #and this year i wasnt with her because ive moved states #so ive been trying to comfort her even though i cant physically be with her #and about a week ago we started to get back to normal #but with techno's passing ive honestly gone backwards quiet a bit #june is a rough time of year for my family #and i want my twin #but i cant see her until august #im going to be alright #i know how to deal with grief #but with work and missing my twin ive been neglecting taking care of my grief too #but thank you all for your patience #it means the world to me #you guys mean the world to me

[beehop]

i’m just so tired of being tired

#like all the time #that and lonely #like everything feels so exhausting and i don’t even do anything #maybe that’s why i’m so tired #anyway does a friend ever say anything that just makes you immensely sad #and it isn’t anything wrong they’ve said but it just strikes you a specific unintentioned way #and then you’re just…sad… #anyway having a night #a week really #a month a year etc etc #i just miss being around people and thr opportunities to meet people #is there summer camp for adults or something #i wanna play silly games and make jokes with people and form friendships like we used to when we were kids #god one of my best friends is literally my friend bc she came up to me first day at a new school #and asked me what i was reading #and now she has a long term boyfriend and an intense job and there’s no longer the distance of several states and a timezone #to make not seeing her easier #bc she’s one state and two hours on a train away #and has been for a while and we haven’t seen each other yet #she’s tired too but for different reasons than me (its 10 hour shifts lol) #idk growing up is hard #everything just feels hard #the tags have gotten away from me this is sad #byeee lmfao

[bangcakes]

.

#the boy update is that ive calmed down significantly and am once again a Human #i'll see him when i see him. im not gonna stress anymore #hes busy working like crazy anyway and i need to get a job NDNJDDNDNDMDM #like i still really like him but i think my priorities have been Fucked NDNDJDJDJDJDJD #BUT IM BACK ON TRACK. YA. #my other friends also back from her trip so thats exciting. i missed her JDJJDDJDDDD #i just..... its gonna take me awhile to ask to hang out. im just SHY and also I HAVENT FELT LIKE SEEING ANYONE DJDJZJSKSKSKSKSKSKS #but now im better... yeah i think i just needed like to be a hermit for a bit #plus i suddenly am super busy this week like what the fuck. family AND friend things. like did everyone just Wake Up all of a sudden NDJJD #like we may even see my cousins from alberta. im like JDJDD OK??? #havent seen them in like.... im gonna say 10+ years. and of course its this week that theyre here with my uncle #who ive only met like idk 3 times JDJJDKDKKDJDJD #and of those times... hes been drunk out his mind i think... 2.5/3 NDJDJD #i think hes sober now tho???? #idk. we might not even see them. my moms side is really flakey 💀 #but hes my moms fav brother and shes his fave sister so i hope they get to see each other NDJDJJDJDJD theyre only a year apart #its so weird bc him and my mom were so close but then like... lets just say Life and he moved away and ya zzjjdjdkdj #they had this like. super long like 4 hour talk on the phone a few minths ago and idk i think it cleared up like the last 30 years. idk man #my moms side is crazy. thats all i'll say #personal

[wall-e-gorl]

Lays on floor

#holds ava midnightburger and trillian hitchhikers guide to the galaxy #id pay so much money to have you two talk space #an astrophysicist who got to go (and is delighted by what shes learning) and one who missed her chance (and threw it all away*) #*- in mostly harmless #god. i want to do math so bad #i want to go to college 2 study math and then do math every day the rest of my life while i play dnd with my friends n draw in my free time #ive been fighting with myself over it for ages now. what do people with math degrees even do. does it pay well? can i live alone off of it? #and still play dnd and draw? #if it doesnt i should do something more reasonable and reliable of a job. like what tho. i wanted to be a lab tech. welder is the opposite #option #but math... i just like math so much #me and my lil cousin calculated how many titanitcs would fill the unvierse a few weeks ago. it was a huge number. x.xxx to 10^80 or smth #ridiculous like that #i dont want to get a whole math degree and the only thing i can use it for be teaching. i am an awful teacher. #(this is related because trillian has a math ans astrophysics degree. its why im laying on the floor #people hate math so much and yet here i am yearning for it like i assume allo people yearn for people) #auogh

[ghosty1111]

mental health vent undercut teehee *anime head bonk* ^ڡ^

im so worried that the company i interviewed at isnt gonna get back to me. ive been applying to jobs for almost 3 years now and ive only gotten one other interview before this(that i got rejected from). the interviewer mixed up on telling me what job i was being interviewed for(i applied to 2 at the company) and didnt tell me the real one until the end of the interview. so i fear i messed it up by talking about it in the context of a different job. i emailed them after this about it and its almost been a week(the interviewer said theyd get back to me in a couple days).

the other problem im having is ive been avoiding replying to emails for the """job""" i technically have as an assistant art teacher for bday parties for some art company bc ive been so convinced i wont do well at the job due to my mental health and i shouldnt do it. i have one already booked for the 6th so i have no choice, the emails were for other future work. im embarrassed that i cant just get myself to do something even this small, but also my brain has become All Or Nothing levels of stubborn in regard to work(either i get a fulltime wellpaying job that can allow me to move out or it isnt worth it). even tho this job would be good for SOME money, my brain keeps trying to convince me that im too fatigued and suicidal and its not worth it at this point. that i deserve better.

im tired of being stubborn and having high expectations for life but i cant help it if i want something worthwhile after spending every single day feeling like shit and hating being alive. they all said this feeling would eventually go away if i continued to work on fixing it. but it hasnt. everyone makes fun of this 'negative teenage view' of life, but why would i want to make something that makes me feel worse? its not as easy as just 'changing your views and faking it' trust me ive tried so many times. and i burnout so fast every time. my body isnt meant to live like that and i hate it.

my mom said that i shouldnt get a fulltime job bc what if i cant handle it, and i said that i would rather try an option that would potentially change my life and find out for sure that im not meant for being alive, rather than wasting my energy on something that changes nothing. i hate my suicidal mentality.

#vent #'but u live w ur mom in a room w so much stuff and computers and video games and everything u could ever need🙄' #it takes so much of my energy just to play mobile games. i have to force myself to play MOBILE GAMES in order to actually 'do' something. #and often thatll only last a week or so before i burnout. from mobile games. then im back to doing nothing till i can get back into it. #ive been trying to get myself to use my laptop again lately(just so i can be in a sitting position out of bed) #and even then its like twice a week #and i dont play games or do anything. not even reading anymore. #recently i made a goal to SORT BOOKMARKS and even then its a challenge #i take vitamins i eat healthy i even go for walks and get fresh air(habit ive had for years now that i dont associate with productivity) #(mostly bc its only at night and i go sit in a park and daydream for hours) #the only semi productive thing i do daily is journal(bc i have no other way to deal with my emotions and need to catalog everything) #i cant go simply try to get a job at my moms work anymore bc her office is too hot for my autistic ass #(same thing happened near the end of her last job and she got annoyed that i was leaving early so often) #i miss being able to draw i miss being able to read i miss being able to play video games i miss being able to feel hopeful for my future #if i could draw and write i'd be able to finish my cool amazing pitches and go pitch them and the companies would love me and give me money #(delusional) #(i can say that in a funny way bc i actually have delusions)