#it's weird. it's not bad. it's just. these emotional channels have been stopped up for ages and now i gotta flush the mold growing in em

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

Haunted: Part One

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~1.7k

Summary: This is Hotch's first case back since being stabbed by Foyet. As much as he says he's fine, he's not and he's letting his emotions affect the case in a negative way.

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there are any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them.

x

"One need not be a chamber to be haunted, one need not to be a house. The brain has corridors surpassing material place." - Emily Dickinson

Spencer isn't used to not being able to do things on his own so helping him get ready for work is a challenge.

"Will you stay still?" you say and grab his pants. 

"I can do it. Give it to me."

"Spencer Walter Reid. Stop moving and let me help you."

He freezes at the mention of his middle name. No one knows it but you, apparently.

"How did you...?"

"I've seen your driver's license. Now sit down and give me your leg."

Spencer sits on the edge of the bed and stretches his bad leg out to you so you can pull his pants on. It's been a month of recovering from both Hotch and Spencer. This is going to be his first day back since getting out of the hospital, and you're not sure how this is gonna go. It could either go horribly wrong and he'll need to take more time off or he'll be back on his feet. Emily wanted to pick Hotch up and drive him to the airport even though he'd been cleared to drive on his own.

With no unit chief in the office, you have a few minutes to yourself so you and Spencer head to Penelope's office to hang with her until Hotch comes in. Spencer hobbles into her office and she pulls up a chair for him.

"Thank you."

"Does it hurt?"

"It really only hurts when I think about it, which is pretty much all the time."

You place your hands on his shoulders from behind and massage his muscles gently.

"Don't worry, I've been very good at distracting him." Penelope laughs as Spencer looks at you with a smile on his face. You lean down and kiss him Spiderman-style. It's becoming one of your favorite positions to kiss him. When you pull away, you rake your fingers through his hair. "When are you gonna let me braid your hair?"

"Never," he says playfully and pushes you off him. Penelope has a box of cookies on the table, and he reaches to grab one but she slaps his hand away and slaps the lid on it. "Hey!"

"These are for Hotch," she says and puts a bucket of lollipops on top of them.

"I get shot in the leg and I don't get any cookies? You know he's gonna hate the attention," Spencer says and grabs a lollipop.

"It's cookies, not cake."

"He's probably gonna pretend like nothing happened," you state.

"Well, it doesn't mean we have to."

"I think maybe we should."

"I don't roll that way."

"I've been thinking about the entire time I've known Hotch, I don't think I've ever seen him blink," Spencer says.

"I know. It's weird."

"It's classic alpha male behavior."

"Do you think he stared down Foyet?" Penelope asks fearfully.

"Yes. I saw it. He didn't go down without a fight, that's for sure."

"Do you think he stared the whole time, like with each stab?"

"Yes."

"Is he okay?"

"I wouldn't be, but I'm a blinker," Spencer says, and you kiss the top of his head.

The door opens and JJ walks in with files in her hands.

"Spence, Y/N, there you two are. Grab your go bag."

"What's going on?"

"Turn on the news."

Penelope turns on one of the news channels that's talking about the most recent crime your team is going to investigate.

"Just after eight this morning, forty-year-old Darrin Call, a lifelong resident of Louisville, assaulted customers at the pharmacy on the corner of Main and Truxton Avenue. Eyewitnesses saw him walking east on Main Street minutes after the attack. He has not been seen since then. He was wearing a blue shirt, jeans, and a light-gray jacket. Within the hour, the Governor has called in all sources for a manhunt. Despite these statewide efforts, the suspect has eluded law enforcement. The body count is rising. Three are confirmed dead including an armed bank guard whose gun was used in the attack. Another two remain in critical condition. The assailant is still out there. We are going back to Eric Jennings who's been talking to residents of Louisville residents."

"We're going to Louisville."

"Alright. Bye, Pen."

You get up and escort Spencer out of her office over to his desk. You grab both yours and his bag since he can't carry his own and use his crutches, and you two head out with the team to the airplane. Spencer takes the couch to rest his leg while you take one of the chairs surrounding the small table.

"Our point person in Louisville is Lieutenant Kevin Mitchell," JJ says.

Just then, Hotch and Emily walk onto the plane, and you immediately feel anger coming off Hotch in waves. He has a stoic look on his face like always but the anger is stewing deep down inside him. It's a calm anger and it's all for Foyet.

"Good morning," Hotch greets.

"You look well, sir," Penelope says over video chat.

"Thank you. How long do you have that?" Hotch asks Spencer about his crutches.

"I'm not really sure. Welcome back."

"Thanks. Any other attacks?"

"No, not yet. Call's proven hard to track. He's never had a driver's license, so he's most likely still on foot or public transportation."

"No, he's not gonna take the bus. His face is everywhere," you shake your head.

"Has anyone found a stressor?"

"He just lost his job," Penelope explains. "He's worked at a factory since 1990 making appliances and not a single promotion."

"That's a long time to be bitter."

"Yeah, he's of the hermit variety. As far as I can tell, he's got no one. No wife, no kids, and no parents."

"Nothing to live for. Why hasn't he killed himself yet? Sprees usually end in suicide. If he's got nothing to live for, why hasn't he ended it?"

"He's not finished yet," Spencer answers Hotch. "We know he has displaced anger. He took it out on the first victim."

"The stock boy represents someone. We need to know who. Is he military?"

"No."

"He's lashing out for a reason. This guy's got anger, endless targets, and a gun. He's just getting started."

When the plane lands, you go off with Derek and Hotch to the crime scene at the pharmacy while Spencer and JJ head to the police station to get set up. Lieutenant Kevin Mitchell is waiting for them as soon as they walk in, and he's eager to get started. Before your team landed in Louisville, he created checkpoints on the state's lines at both the I-64 and I-65 and within a twenty-mile radius downtown. They think he's still on foot.

Take into consideration the average walking speed of two and a half miles per hour, and it's been just under three hours, then that adds up to an approximate eight-mile radius. First responders started a hard-target search of businesses and residences within that eight miles, and you're going to join them.

The lieutenant dug up all he could on Darrin Call but didn't find much. Me and Rossi are at his apartment so they might be able to find something the police couldn't. The strategy in all of this is to determine where he's headed next in order to stop him. Most spree killers are outwardly aggressive, and Darrin isn't that. He's defensive even if the video doesn't immediately show it.

You watch the video of Darrin over and over again until you see it. Darrin isn't aggressive until someone touches him. That's what set him off. It happens before he stabs someone. He hates being touched which is a trigger for him. 

He never meant to hurt these people, and he never went in there with a weapon. JJ is working with the media to inform them as soon as she possibly can. Darrin's apartment is a five-minute walking distance from the pharmacy but there is no sign at his apartment that he came back to wash off the blood, which means he's still bloody and walking around town like that.

Penelope says he doesn't have any family, so where is he going to go looking like that? He might be messy in the head and in his everyday life, but his apartment is really neat or maybe he's military or hospitalized which means he has the same routine every day.

However, today is different. He killed three people. Why did it change?

The energy left at the pharmacy is astounding. The energy is breaking off into different streams as if it's panicking. Darrin isn't right in the head and he is definitely going to hurt himself sooner rather than later. He's going to piss off the wrong person and get hurt.

"Hotch, he's losing his mind. His mind is tearing itself into pieces. This energy is being pulled apart." Hotch stares straight ahead without giving you any indication that he heard you. "Hotch, did you hear me?"

"Yeah," he nods and walks off.

Hotch isn't okay. Who would be after what he went through?

"Mr. Call was always so quiet. He's been coming here for years," a woman talking to Derek says.

She is the pharmacist responsible for giving out medications to people.

"Has he ever had a run-in with the stock boy?"

"I can't see why he would. John was new here. I waved him over. I didn't know what else to do. No one else was helping."

"He didn't turn violent until you gave him his prescription?" you ask.

"It wasn't his. It was somebody else's. I just wanted him to calm down."

"JJ's press conference is in five minutes," Hotch says when he joins the group.

"Hotch, we might have something else here. Why didn't you give him his own medication?" Derek asks the woman.

"He didn't have any refills left."

"For what?"

"Alprazolam, but he used to be on Thiothixene."

"He was on an antipsychotic?" Hotch asks.

"That's why I wanted him to calm down. He's been off his medications for about a month now."

"When were you gonna tell us this? He's armed and delusional. Who's his doctor?" Hotch asks angrily.

"I don't remember. My computer..."

You turn to see her computer had been damaged in the fight.

"Great," Hotch scoffs and walks off.

"I'm sorry."

You and Derek look at each other because Hotch is completely out of line for this.

"He's not listening to us. I've seen this kind of behavior before. He's not going to want to listen. Not until he catches Foyet." You two walk over to Hotch. "Hotch."

"Call JJ and tell her about the meds."

"This is not her fault and you know it."

"Morgan, he's in a psychotic break. It changes everything."

"Do you want to talk about this?"

"No! I want to find him!" Hotch sighs in frustration and pulls out his phone to call Penelope. "Garcia, he's been off his antipsychotic for a month. What else did you miss?"

"I'm sorry, sir. I didn't get his medical records yet, so--"

"Find them. Find everything."

"Yes, sir."

x

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#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid angst #spencer reid fluff #criminal minds #criminal minds fic #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fluff #criminal minds angst #criminal minds series rewrite #criminal minds season 5

[genderfluid-druid]

dissociating at the gym is a great way to cope when you have a lot of nervous energy and/or emotions to process, but watch out bc sometimes the processing you need to do is cry

#i am still knocking loose emotions that haven't seen the light since 2017 #it's weird. it's not bad. it's just. these emotional channels have been stopped up for ages and now i gotta flush the mold growing in em #also by “cry” i mean sit in the car n make kinda guttural noises because crying has never come easy to me and it's only gotten harder on T #OH YEAH that's the other thing #hitting two notches above my previous highest speed on the treadmill and then checking my heart rate and realizing it's not even that high #is such a mix of joy and frustration #it's like the fury I've heard adhd people describe when they finally get medicated and their brains stop fighting them #like yeah it's good but i wish it hadn't been so hard before #rrrrraaaaaaaaaagh!!!! #a few years ago before i transitioned or even really thought of it i was talking to a trans guy #who used to do a lot of welding. and he said something like. once he transitioned people stopped giving him shit/treating him like #he didn't belong in a welding shop #and it made him so angry he didn't want to weld anymore #which at the time i felt was kinda extreme. like if you love welding then who cares! #but. i kinda get it now. it's SO FUCKING INFURIATING to suddenly have things become easy #you kinda gotta take a minute!!! #(he did go back to welding btw)

[luvsturniolo]

I have this cute idea for Chris. Maybe yall have been friends for a long time and he really wants something more but his commitment issues are getting in the way because he’s been hurt before but then say something bad happens and his brothers are out and can’t help and he calls you and needs you and you come right away even faster than he expected and he’s like you came so fast? And you’re like yeah, you called? and he just realizes in that moment you’re not whose hurt him in the past and he kisses you

ー ★ !! commitment

pairing : chris x fem!reader

synopsis : explained in the req :)

a/n : this idea is so cute but also so sad ?? i’m hoping to channel both of those emotions into this fic

wc : 2.5k

you’ve been friends with the triplets for as long as you can remember. especially with chris. you’d never admit it, but something about him drew you in — yearning for more.

nothing about your love for chris was lustful or anything vulgar like that. you genuinely admired and respected him as your best friend.

he was always a shoulder to cry on. he always found a way to make you laugh when he could tell you were upset. he always brightened your mood even when you weren’t feeling great. and you tried to provide that same systematic support for him. you made an effort to let him know you would be there for him no matter what.

to everyone else, the two of you were inseparable. you grew up together and nobody could get between your guys’ little duo.

but recently, he hasn’t been acting himself.

you know chris well enough to tell when an issue that’s bothering him and there’s definitely something going on. you can tell that he’s conflicted about it and the topic is serious. but you’ve got no idea what it could be.

he’s been trying to hide it, but you know that’s only hurting him more.

not to mention, he never hides anything from you. he’s never kept secrets or refused to open up. despite your efforts to try and make him explain, he won’t. and since you don’t want to pry, you dropped the topic.

it’s been a two weeks since his demeanor randomly changed. and you’ve tried to ignore the behavior, but your mind just won’t stop coming back to that same topic.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

meanwhile, chris is going through quite the crisis. you're his best friend. like, dude, you're literally his favorite person to be around. in the whole world.

but recently, he's been having too much time alone with this thoughts. this thinking time has caused him to overthink your guys' relationship as a whole. every time he thinks about you, his heart feels heavier and his stomach twirls.

the thing is, he's felt like this ever since you guys first became friends when you were kids, so he didn't think it was weird. he thought it was a normal effect that you had on people.

but when chris casually mentioned this feeling to matt, he acted like it was the craziest thing he'd ever heard.

"bro no way." matt said two weeks ago — which was when chris leisurely explained the effect you have on him. "that's not fucking normal. you need to google that because i'm pretty sure you have a crush or something."

at first, chris thought nothing of matt's advice. he assumed he was just being a weirdo ( like usual ). but the more he thought about it, the more chris realized that his brother might not be a total idiot.

after all, matt is the mental health expert of the family. who would chris be to dismiss his diagnosis?

as time went on, chris got more and more obsessed with this idea. not because he's happy about it. but because there's no fucking way he like likes you. you're his best friend. that's it. his friend. you always have been and you always will be. your guys' relationship can't change just because of some silly feelings he's not even sure he has.

but it's been two weeks and chris still can't seem to rest his mind.

he knows you're worried about him, but he can't open up to you about his possible crush. this is the only topic in the whole world he isn't comfortable sharing with you.

"so what you're saying is you're in love with her!?" nick exclaimed loudly over the phone, making chris jump at his loud voice. "like her!? your best friend of thirteen years! that one!?"

"yes!" chris yelled back into the tiny speakers of his phone. "can you quit fucking screaming now!? you're gonna make my damn ears bleed!"

"sorry that i'm taken aback by the fact that you're in love with your best friend!" nick apologized, his voice equally as loud as it was the first time he yelled.

chris sighed, flopping back on his mattress. he set his phone on the pillow beside him and stared up at the ceiling above. his eyes traced the bumps under the white paint of his roof.

nick and matt are currently in the van, driving to pick up an order of mcdonalds for dinner. chris didn't feel like going, but he always feels a bit empty without his brothers. so he decided to call them. the topic of their call moved from chris giving nick his order to chris explaining his emotions to nick simply because it's the only thing he could think about.

"did you know!?" nice shouts at matt — who's more focused on driving to their restaurant than on chris's relationship crisis. "i feel like you knew! did you know!?"

"shut the fuck up, nick!" matt says back, keeping his eyes on the road. "you know i get stressed driving at night. plus it's raining. i don't need your fuckin' yapping to distract me!"

nick groans, but apologizes anyway before leaning back in his seat and staring at his phone. he quickly notices that chris's camera is now pointed up at the ceiling rather than at his face.

"what're you doing, kid?" nick asks chris.

chris averts his attention away from his dotted ceiling and picks up his phone, holding it above his face to look at nick. "i was thinking-"

"that's never a good sign." nick jokes.

"can i fucking speak?" chris asks, clearly annoyed. nick takes the hint and shuts up, making a lock motion across his mouth to depict his silence. chris rolls his eyes before continuing, "as i was saying, i think i found out why i'm so distraught by the fact that i might like her."

"yeah, no shit." nick replies. "anyone would be freaked out at the thought of being in love with their best friend."

"not funny."

"i'm not trying to be funny." nick says, genuinely. "i'm being serious. you shouldn't feel the need to search for a reason behind your emotions, chris. if you like her, you like her. there's no point in hiding it because you know damn well she'll figure it out anyway. y'all are shit at keeping secrets from each other."

"that's true." matt chimes in from the driver's seat. nick moves the phone forward and holds it by matt's face so chris can hear him better. "she already knows there's something up with you. it's only a matter of time before she finds out what is causing you to act so strangely."

"i guess you have a point." chris agrees. "but what about after i confess and everything?"

"what about it?" nick asks. "after you confess, you'll most likely be dating. which means any issue you guys face will be one for the two of you to figure out together."

"dude, i can't date her!"

nick groans loudly, his voice nearly sounding more like a screech than a noise of complaint. matt yells at him again to shut up and nick apologizes before returning his attention back to chris.

"why the fuck not?" nick asks. "if you guys both end up liking each other, there's no reason not to date."

"yeah there is." chris says, placing his phone on his pillow again to look up at the ceiling that he's grown so fond of. the blank white color is comforting in a sense. it's something consistent that won't change or leave him unless he choses for it to do so. sometimes he wishes emotions and people were more like that. consistent.

"then explain, you dumb shit." nick urges.

"you know how my past relationships went." chris says. "none of them were healthy and i got hurt in the end of every single one. why would i willingly put myself back in that situation? i don't want to form a hatred against y/n."

nick pauses and thinks for a moment, trying to articulate what he wants to say next. but his mind is blank. how the hell is he supposed to comfort chris like this? nick hasn't been in this position.

suddenly, matt reaches behind the seat and snatches nick's phone out of his grip. matt holds it in his left hand, still driving with his right. he keeps his eyes on the road but his attention on chris.

"you guys have been friends for over a fucking decade, christopher. there's no way some silly feelings are gonna end that for you." matt says. "i've watched you guys interact for years — not in a creepy way — and trust me when i say that the feeling is mutual. i'm not gonna speak on her behalf because that's shitty. but there's nothing to worry about when it comes to her. you should know that better than anyone."

"but what is you're wrong?"

"if i'm wrong then you can punch me in the face and i'll give you a million bucks." matt says. "but more importantly, if she ends up rejecting you, i'm 100% sure that you guys will talk it out and find a way to move on past this. and even if she doesn't like you back, confessing your feelings will never be something you'll regret."

chris continues to stare at the ceiling.

the consistency of the patter slowly becomes something abstract and without any pattern. chris tilts his head back, thinking he's going crazy. because why is his ceiling changing?

but he quickly realizes that he's not going crazy. he's simply been overlooking the details of the paint for so long that everything he liked about it is becoming raw and real rather than a vision in his head that he wanted to perceive.

maybe that's what's going on with you. he's been friends with you for so long that he's finally noticing all the little details he overlooked. you're not just his best friend he wanted to see you as. you're someone who has always been by his side and someone he wants to live the rest of his life with.

"k, thanks." chris says quickly as he picks up his phone. "bye."

he hears nick and matt protest against him hanging up, but it's too late. he's already pressed the little red x in the corner. he swipes out of nick's contact and scrolls to find yours. when he sees your name, his stomach twists. despite the butterflies in his gut, chris presses the call icon and puts the phone to his ear.

you pick up on the second ring, "what's up?"

"can you come over?" chris asks, feeling his entire body go stiff at the thought of admitting his feelings to you. but he knows this is something he has to do.

"right now? it's nearly midnight, and it's raining." you point out. "is something wrong?"

chris sighs, "no you're right, never mind. i'll tell you some other time, it's not important anyway."

"too bad." you reply with a laugh. "i'll be there in five."

you guys say goodbye before you hang up and chris feels his heart sink to his ass. he runs through everything he plans to say to you, but nothing sounds as sincere as he wants it to. before long, he hears a knock on the front door and his heart sinks even lower — if that's even possible.

he exits his room and wanders down the hall, wanting to take his sweet time just so he doesn't have to face the truth.

when he opens the door and sees you drenched in rain water on their porch, he feels bad for purposely taking longer than necessary to open the door.

you smile at him before taking off your coat and hanging it on the rack you always hang it on. you come over so much that it's nearly second nature to be here. when you guys were kids, you lived at the triplets house more than your own.

"hi chris!" you say, pulling him into a hug solely for the purpose of getting him wet with your dripping hair and damp shirt.

the thing is, you hugged him as a joke because you guys always try to annoy the other. but the moment your arms wrapped around his neck, chris felt his cheeks heat up and his heart speed.

"hey!" chris said as he pushed you off of him like he normally would, hoping you don't think anything of it.

you smile at him, "why'd you call me over here? also, where are nick and matt? i didn't see the van in the driveway."

"you came so quickly." chris said, trying to avoid the topic of why he called you here.

"yeah?" you reply, curiously. "you called."

something about those words settle into his mind and ease his nerves. you're not like the girls he dated before — and he doesn't mean that in a 'you're not like most girls' way. but you're genuinely different. the way you treat him is so much more authentic than how they treated him.

when chris looks at you, he's not looking at the girl he has a crush on. he's also not looking at the friend he grew up with. you're just you.

you're the woman he wants to marry. the woman he wants to buy a house and start a life with. the woman he wants to have pets and kids with. the woman he wants to grow old with and ask to buy him more vitamins so he doesn't get constipated.

"i just wanted to talk to you about something." chris said, his voice quiet so maybe what he's saying won't be real. maybe it'll just fade into the thick air between you and you won't even ask about it.

"about what?" you ask. and there goes chris's idea of whispering.

he sucks in a breath before starting, "i've been thinking and i think the feelings i have for you aren't just in a friendly way. well, not like sexually or anything like that. that's fuckin' weird. i just like genuinely like being around you. i want to fall in love with you- well, more than i already am. also, i really and i mean really don't wanna make you feel uncomfortable. like if you don't feel the same, don't be afraid to tell me. you can say you don't like me. don't feel obligated to agree to be with me if you're not comfy. i'm not gonna be that one weirdo guy who forces you into a relationship. like, i really like you. you're so pretty, funny, sarcastic, and just my favorite person to be around. but like i said, if you don't like me-"

as much as you find his rambling adorable, you cut him off by pressing your lips to his. he's surprised, but ultimately returns the kiss and grabs your waist to pull you closer.

you smile against his lips before muttering, "i like you too."

he grins like a happy toddle before scooping you up and engulfing you into a huge bear hug. you shriek, telling him to put you down. but he doesn't. he just hold you and peppers kisses across your skin — your face, your shoulders, your neck, your arms, wherever.

he's just happy to have you by his side, knowing he's never gonna let you go. he's yours and you're his.

tags : @kasqnxx @lvrsparadise @prettysturniolo @strniolo @urmyslxt @cupidsturniolo @opheliaofficial07 @thetriplets3 @sturn1olo-ffics @uhnanix @deadxrx @kitaysworld @slaysturniolo @wilmalovegood @ladylokilaufeyson5

#luvsturniolo!! #sturniolo triplets #matt sturniolo #matt sturniolo x reader #matthew sturniolo #chris sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #nick sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo #chris sturniolo x reader #sturniolo triplets x reader #triplets

[multimilfs]

Melissa Schemmenti x Fem!Reader: Stairway to Heaven

Summary: Anon requested Melissa Schemmenti + 132 -- "I didn't think it was possible to love someone this much."

List of prompts found here!

A/N: Happy ficmas everyone!! I have been working really hard to get ready for kickoff today and I hope you'll all enjoy what I have in store! Enjoy!

Special thank you to the amazing @arewecoolio for reading this over for any errors!! You're the best 💖

Full Ficmas List

Tag List: @multifandomfix @greenawayprentiss @escapetodreamworld @ghostsunderstoodmysoul

Warning(s): None

Gary is cool. He's even funny on occasion, when he remembers the punchline. He treats Melissa like a Queen—though she deserves nothing less—and worships the ground she walks on. But you’re not convinced he’s good enough for her. 

You’re watching the two interact across the lunchroom with simmering jealousy. It’s an ugly emotion you’re not fond of feeling, but one you can’t seem to shake these days. The grip on your grading pen tightens as Melissa laughs at some joke of Gary’s. 

“Girl, you’ve got to do something about all… that.” Ava says, motioning to your expression, “Channel that anger into something productive. Like packing orders. Or sex.” 

“I’m not participating in your pyramid scheme.” You answer. 

“Oh, so you’re going to get some? Finally. It’s hard having to entertain you with my stories when I’m not getting anything back.” 

“To be fair, I never asked to hear about your sex life,” You point out. Ava shrugs and you continue, “If you tell me about Tyrone one more time I might lose it.” 

“Tyrone? He’s old news. I’m onto Jamal now, keep up.” 

“Jamal? What about his sister?” 

“She was into some weird stuff. I’m freaky too, but even I draw the line at dolls.” 

Ava shivers and you decide not to ask. It’s better for your sanity that way, though you’re morbidly curious. Ava never tells a bad story. 

Another presence joins the table as Janine sidles up, looking far too awake and positive for 9 am on a Tuesday. She smiles obliviously. 

“Dolls? I loved dolls as a kid.”

Ava scoffs, “Yeah, I bet you made them kiss each other and all that nonsense.”

“Of course I did. It was like directing my own little show!” 

“Is that where the control issues started?” You ask. 

Janine’s oblivious smile drops and she levels you with a look. It’s closer to matching Barbara’s with every day that passes, it’s almost impressive; but unless Barbara herself levels one at you, you’re going to remain unphased. 

“Don’t shame my childhood development just because you’re jealous over Melissa and the vending machine guy.” 

You turn red, “I am not jealous!” 

“Right. And I wasn’t named tastiest doomsday prepper in Philly.” Ava says, rolling her eyes. 

You and Janine lock eyes, wearing matching expressions of bewilderment. Everytime you talk to Ava you learn more about her; that isn’t always a good thing. When Janine opens her mouth, you give her a subtle shake of your head. Once the two get started it’s impossible to get them to stop. 

Unfortunately, Janine is too stubborn, and has to do things her way; she engages the Principal in a battle of wits she can’t win. You tune it out the second she starts in on how doomsday prepping is futile and the kind of neurotic spending reaction it induces only benefits the government. That isn’t a can of worms you feel like glancing inside. 

You decide to torture yourself emotionally instead. 

It should be easy to watch Melissa laugh and grin in that smug, bright-eyed way she pulls off so well, but it turns your stomach to know Gary is the cause of it. He’s nice enough—that’s the excuse you try to use everytime, to no avail—but he isn’t you. And against the slim odds of someone like Melissa ever wanting you romantically, you wish it was you. 

Does he know her favorite restaurants, her favorite soap operas? Does he know about the years Melissa dedicated to caring for her Nana? Does he know how incredibly fucking lucky he is to have Melissa Ann Schemmenti wrapped around his finger? 

The likelihood of him knowing anything important is slim-to-none. The redhead is too private to share information so soon, but the little green-eyed monster in your head prods you, asking what if he does? Your fists clench in your lap. You’ve been climbing the stairway to heaven this whole time and Gary’s probably on the highway. 

“Hey, hon,” You’re surprised from your thoughts to see the object of them in front of you, leaning on the table, smiling. 

You smile back, “Hey, Mel.” 

“What are you doing tonight?” 

Hope claws up your throat. You shove it down violently, leaning back in your chair, arms crossed over your chest. 

“Depends. Why?” 

“Gary was asking about you, he wants to meet ya. I was thinking you could bring your secret lover on a double-date tonight. You meet my guy, I meet yours.” 

You tilt your head, brows scrunching, “Secret lover?” 

“Oh come on,” Melissa rolls her eyes. She levels you with a look that says don’t give me that bullshit, “I’m not blind. You suddenly go silent on all things romance and think I wouldn’t figure out what that meant?” 

Nerves and mortification make you nod, smiling sheepishly. Your chest hurts. Of course she’d notice; after several years of friendship and teaching together, how could she not? The two of you were practically glued at the hip before Gary came along. No topic had been too much and then for you to go silent… you can see how that’d come across. You’re glad she didn’t suss out the real reason. 

“I’m not sure. Things are still pretty new…” 

“I’ll buy your drinks.” 

That makes you pause. 

Then you see how she’s looking at you. She’s leaning down into your space, grinning like she knows she's won. You can’t deny her anything, not when you know how much it’ll mean to her for you to really meet Gary as her romantic interest rather than a passing acquaintance. It’ll kill you. Watching her laugh with him will undo your feeble grip on sanity. 

It’ll kill you, but you’ll do it for her anyway. 

“When and where?” 

— — 

This is a terrible idea. 

The place Gary chose is a total dive, and not the good kind; every surface is covered in a fine layer of grime and ash, ninety percent of the men and women at the bar smoking like chimneys, and the beer you ordered tastes like if someone decided to waft alcohol in the direction of their drink. All of this you could forgive. 

What you can’t forgive is the absence of a proper pool table. 

Every table in the place is falling apart at the seams. There’s maybe two cues per table and some of the nets have holes large enough to send grown men chasing after solid and striped balls alike. 

The worst part? Melissa stands in the center of it all, smiling like none of it bothers her. You know better. Her smile is strained at the edges, her eyes slightly pained. If only she’d say the word, you’d sweep her out of here. She just maintains that strained smile when you walk up to her. 

“Where’s the secret lover I was promised?” Melissa asks. 

You smile, though your heart isn’t in it. It’d taken endless promises to get her to agree, but eventually—

“Sorry I’m late y'all. There’s a guy selling mixtapes outside and I had to hear it before I bought anything. Can’t be too careful, you know?” 

Melissa’s smile melts from her face. Her eyes bore hard into you, dark with emotion. As she looks between you and Ava—who leans against the table next to you, either totally oblivious or uncaring—her jaw tenses. 

Gary chooses that moment to speak, a jovial smile on his face, “Now I did not see this coming! I never would’ve guessed you two would be seeing each other.” 

“Neither did I.” Melissa says. 

You want to disappear into the floor. Despite the fact that Melissa is openly seeing Gary, you feel you’ve done something wrong. 

It doesn’t help that Ava drapes herself against your side. She makes deliberate, intense eye contact with Melissa, and takes a slow sip of a drink you failed to notice. The tension is thick enough to cut with a knife. You’re grateful for the absence of anything sharp. 

“What can I say, I lucked out. Anyone would be lucky to get a piece of her.” Ava says. Her tone is startlingly sincere. 

You give her a hard look. She just shrugs. 

“No drink for me?” You ask, anything to distract from the way you can’t look at Melissa. 

Ava raises a brow, “If you want something, you just gotta ask.”

“I’d kill for a gin and tonic.” 

“Got it.” 

“I’ve got it, you two sit.” Melissa interjects. 

She extracts herself from Gary and stands at the same time Ava does. On another night, you’d take Melissa's offer as the kind act it is, but tonight it feels strangely like a threat. 

The two are caught in a strange staring contest. You want to reach out and tug Ava down into her seat, but you’re frozen, wondering what the hell is going on.

“I’ll get it.” Ava says.

“She’s my friend.” Melissa crosses her arms over her chest. 

“She’s my date.” 

Melissa’s body tenses at the word. 

You’re too busy watching Ava, trying to decipher where she’s been hiding this acting talent. She had been reluctant to join your ruse and now it seems like she couldn’t be anywhere else. For a moment it feels authentic enough to make your stomach turn.

Gary cuts in before Melissa can back down, “I could use another beer if you’re going towards the bar.” 

“Sure. You got it, Gar.” 

The two walk away in tense silence. Melissa keeps looking at Ava from the corner of her eyes, while the principal pretends she isn’t there. 

It leaves you with Gary and you smile. Trying to pretend there’s no tension is easier with the women across the bar. 

“It’s good to meet you,” He says, friendly enough, “Melissa talks about you enough I feel like I already know you, but I’m glad she got you to come out tonight.” 

“Yeah. It’s good to meet you officially. Besides the occasional run-ins during lunch, I mean.” 

He nods and drinks the last swig of his beer. You take a few seconds to glance through the haze of smoke towards the bar. Melissa leans one arm on it, waiting while the bartender runs around helping out rough-looking men and women. She looks perfectly placed and yet stands out; she’s probably the most beautiful woman to ever set foot in this place. 

Ava’s chatting up a woman at the bar like Melissa isn’t even there. So much for her putting on a good act. 

Even if she’s not looking at Ava directly, you know Melissa’s listening, cataloging everything. You’ll get an earful about having self-respect when choosing partners later. 

“There’s another reason I had her ask you here tonight.” Gary says.

His face is serious. You’ve never seen the man without a smile and it unnerves you. Trying not to let that show, you raise an eyebrow. 

“I wanted to meet the woman Melissa’s in love with.” 

You blanch. 

“Gary, that’s—she’s not—“ 

A hand settles on top of yours and his smile makes an appearance. It’s kind, kinder than you deserve after all the things you’ve thought about him. 

“I knew there were three of us in this relationship when I went out with her the first time. But I’m giving you the chance to make it two again,” He says, “She’s crazy about you and I can see you feel the same way. She’s all yours.” 

You should be overjoyed. Melissa feels the same way about you, you have a shot? Instead, you feel angry. 

“You’re going to give her up just like that?” You snap. 

Gary startles you by laughing. 

“I can’t exactly give up what isn’t mine.” 

“She chose you.” 

“Sometimes people make mistakes.” When you seem unconvinced, he shakes his head, “Melissa’s a good woman, she deserves someone who makes her happy. That just happens to be you and not me. I’m not mad about it.”

You’re reeling. The room feels like it's spinning and you don’t have time to regain your focus before the women return. Ava sets down your gin and tonic with a nod. 

Melissa starts up an animated conversation with Gary, who nods along, adding in his own comments. He keeps glancing over at you when Melissa won’t. The whole thing makes your stomach turn; you have no clue what you’re doing. 

You grab Ava’s hand, flashing a strained smile at the pair, “Excuse us for a moment,” and drag the principal off to the bathrooms. 

 Once you’ve shoved Ava in the ladies room and locked the door behind you, you spin on your heel towards the other woman. 

“I know you want this to bother her, but dragging me into the bathroom for a quickie is a bit much, even by my standards.” Ava says. 

“That’s not what this is.” 

“Right, why else am I here then?” 

“When you and Melissa went to grab drinks, Gary told me Melissa’s in love with me.” 

Ava stares at you. 

“That’s it? I could have told you that months ago.” 

You blink, “What?” 

“Yeah, neither of you are subtle. You practically have it written on your billboard sized forehead.” 

Suddenly self-conscious, you reach a hand up to your forehead, before reminding yourself to focus on the task at hand. Ava knew Melissa returned your feelings the whole time. You wonder who else knows and has let you stew in jealousy for weeks. 

Melissa’s reaction to Ava makes a lot more sense. It’s almost comforting to know that you’re not the only one who has been fighting with jealousy. You feel very, very blind.

“Who else knows?” You ask. Your friend gives you a blank stare, “Seriously? Everyone knows?”

“Yes. Do me a favor though and play dumb a few more weeks? I’ve got good money on this.”

“You bet on me?”

“I bet on Melissa, actually, which is why I need you to keep quiet.”

“Ava, I’m not going to ignore this because you want to win a bet. Come on.” 

Ava rolls her eyes, “Fine, I’ll cut you in on the bet.” 

“Ava!” You glare.

“This could be your chance to support a young, black entrepreneur. It’s hard out here.” 

“Try that on Jacob.” 

She lets out an ugh and throws her hands up. You want to be upset that she’s asking you to keep quiet, to lose more valuable time with Melissa, but you can’t be; even if she did leave you oblivious for weeks. If you’re going to be upset with her, you have to be upset with everyone. 

It comes from a place of letting you make your own decisions; you know that and admire it just a little. But you were oblivious. Melissa seems like she is too, if Gary’s talk told you anything. Would they have let the two of you circle each other the whole time? 

You would be miserable if Gary—Gary, who you’d been unfair towards this whole time—hadn’t spoken up. He’s sacrificing his chances with Melissa so you can have your own. Mentally, you make a note to get the man some kind of ‘thank-you’ gift. 

Ava snaps in front of your face and you jerk back. 

“What are you going to do?” She asks. 

“Uh… talk to her?” 

“Not the energy I was looking for, but good enough. Let’s go.” 

Ava grabs your arm, not unkindly, and drags you to the door. You drag your feet. 

“Now?!” 

She doesn’t even dignify your question with a response. The bathroom door is opened and you’re nudged through it. You walk, but throw a glare over your shoulder, annoyed at her sudden silence. Ava doesn’t acknowledge it. 

Gary is the only one left at the table and you panic, eyes searching the room. The heart in your chest settles when you catch a glimpse of familiar red hair. 

Melissa’s across the bar at one of the more put together pool tables, surrounded by women in a shocking amount of leather. Her eyes are focused right on you. They move briefly to Ava, though she doesn’t seem to find anything damning. The focus of her gaze moves away when one of the other players nudges her and she leans over the table to line up a shot. 

You’re caught for a second in watching her. Her eyes narrow before she settles in to take the shot and when she pulls back the cue, she makes direct eye contact, and sinks a solid ball in one of the pockets. 

Cheers go up from the woman you assume she’s playing with. You don’t bother to look at her. Instead, you make a direct beeline for Melissa; her eyes following you every step of the way. 

“Can I talk to you?” You ask when you reach her. 

You’re well aware of the glances her fellow players are throwing in your direction, but you don’t care. Melissa seems curious, but she gives nothing else away. 

“I’m in the middle of a game, hon.” 

Laying your hand on her arm, “Please, Mel.” 

Like magic, you watch her soften. She nods and hands off her cue to the nearest person without looking. You lead the way outside, wanting away from the noise and smoke for a few minutes, if only to clear your head. 

The silence is too tense for your liking, but neither of you are doing anything to break it. You breathe deeply. You’re at a loss on what to say; how do you tell someone you’re in love with them? 

Instead of anything rational coming from your mouth, you ask, “How do you feel about Gary?” 

Melissa jerks in surprise, “That’s what you pulled me out here for?” 

“He seems to think your feelings, your heart, lie elsewhere,” You barrel forward, hoping it works in your favor, “Namely, with me.” 

Her eyes widen slightly before she schools her expression. It’s all you need to feel more secure in blindly following Gary’s word. 

“I’m not sure where he got that idea.” Melissa says. 

“But you’re not denying it.” 

“Does it matter? You seem to have things pretty easy with Ava.” 

A note of bitterness slips into her voice. You soften, recognizing the underlying jealousy you’d been feeling only this morning. 

“It matters to me,” You say, “because I’m crazy about you, Mel, and I need to know you feel the same way.” 

Melissa doesn’t bother to hide her surprise this time. You smile, but fidget under all of her attention. You want to reveal every thought and feeling to this woman in a way that’s overwhelming. She seems so shocked, you can’t help but want to assure her of how real your feelings are. 

“I didn’t think it was possible to love someone this much,” You admit. It feels odd to say it out loud, “But you make a lot of impossible things feel possible.” 

She looks at you like she’s never seen you before. It’s daunting. 

“You really mean that?” Melissa asks. 

“Wholeheartedly.” 

“And what about Ava?” 

You chuckle, “I bribed her into playing the part. She’s a surprisingly good actress.” 

“Good.” 

Melissa leans forward and kisses you. 

It isn’t the kind of kiss you expect, but it’s the kind you always daydreamed about; the soft, almost hesitant way she claims your lips, while her hands dig into your hips. You’ve never felt so awkward and so pleasant in your life. You have no idea what to do with your hands. 

The other kisses in your life never felt so strange. You wonder how much they really meant to you, if this is what a real, loving kiss feels like; unsure and yet, eager. 

Throwing your nerves out the window, you give in to all of it. You sink into the whirlwind of emotions and wrap yourself around Melissa. Her kiss grows more insistent and you match it, pulling where she pushes, moving with every forceful press of her lips. 

You’re on your last shred of oxygen when she pushes you back. Only an inch of space separates the two of you taking in furious gulps of breath, cheeks flushed pink and wearing matching smiles. It hardly feels real. 

“You’ve been holding out on me.” Melissa says. 

“Hardly. I’d have kissed you in a second if you asked.” You say sincerely. 

“Me? Why would I be the one to ask you?” 

You raise a brow, “Well, you were the one seeing someone else.” 

“I wouldn’t have gone out with him if you said something.” 

A laugh leaves your lips unbidden. Your eyes sparkle when you look up at Melissa, wondering how you managed to get so lucky. You’re not sure you’ll ever be able to answer that question. She’s wonderful and kind and beautiful and all the things you feel you don’t deserve. She’s yours anyway. 

Her eyes shine as she stares back. Wishing you could jump into her mind, you get lost in them. Then you do as she wants and capture her lips in another kiss. It’s shorter than the first and more comfortable, but the feeling of newness still lingers. 

Not for the first time, you wonder how much time you’ve lost being jealous. But you try not to dwell too much; it’s difficult when the most beautiful woman in the world is staring into your eyes. The lost time doesn’t matter when you have it now—when you have her now. 

#melissa schemmenti #melissa schemmenti x reader #abbott elementary #abbott elementary x reader #melissa schemmenti imagine #abbott elementary imagine #wlw #wlw imagine #multimilfswritings #dec2022 #multimilfsficmas2022

[saber-monet]

“They’re talking shit” manifesting technique

Or

“Let them talk shit” Method

So this is the technique that I used, and still currently use as an over-thinker to manifest my desired reality and maintain my desired mental state.

So back in college, I was insecure. The type of insecure, where if I hung out with friends and then I left the room, only thing that would be racing through my mind would be the idea of them talking about me behind my back. Like Just talking the most shit and calling me out of my name. Granted these are the types of friends I had back then, I now know better.

So here was the pattern :

Every time I left the room, and I felt insecure about something I had just said or done, I would imagine them saying bad things about me or finding me weird of off putting. The things I would imagine them saying, would break my heart. So I put a stop to it.

And I recognized those people were not in the room with me and I was using my imagination to hurt myself .

I could have been imagining them saying anything because I have that power and I’m choosing to see them saying most terrible things about me. So, I made the decision to imagine them still talking shit, but this time it was about all the good things I wanted.

( you have to keep the same hater energy when you do this btw)

Example:

“Who does she think she is? Just because she has a great body and works out and is always in a happy state of being. She think she’s better than us. 😒.  she think she’s rich too. She only has about $100,000 in her bank account. The rest is tied up in the stock market and crypto currency. So she technically doesn’t even have that much money. 🙄”

“ she wants to be an influencer sooo bad .ugh, So what if your YouTube channel grew by 200,000 subs in less than 3 weeks and you’re getting amazing sponsorship oppertunities. So what bitch you ain’t pewdie pie. You don’t even have 1,000,000 subs yet . Pipe down”

So in those examples, I just affirmed a reality where:

- I great healthy body

- im in a happy/content state of being

- $100,000 in in my bank account

-I have plentiful bountiful investments/crypto currency

-my YouTube channel successful

-I’m getting great sponsorship opportunities

And because I used other people to affirm those for me, it’s a stronger self concept/reality. Because I’m affirming it in, first person, third person and second person( by default).

This technique works with any “negative” dominating emotion.

So if you were anxious or have anxious dominant feelings. Start affirming, anxious thoughts that you would WANT to have.

For example:

“I hope my professor doesn’t hate me for being more educated/smarter on the subject than he is 😭. Like I get he spent years in school studying this stuff, but it comes easy to me and surpass his expertise every time without fail. I hope he doesn’t think I’m trying to show him up😰”

“ I hope the bank doesn’t get suspicious about how much money I’ve been depositing into my account. 😥Plus I’ve been getting so much money this year from random sources, in such large amounts, I’m kind of worried that the IRS is going to get involved and make filing my taxes a little complicated this year.☹️”

So, in those two short sentences, you just affirm that

you’re smart,

you’re doing well in the class, and

you’ve been getting large amounts of money throughout the year, from expected and unexpected sources. 

Remember if you want it, you can get it. Try “under-thinking” , it’s easier than you’d expect. No matter what state you are in. If you were able to tell a consistent story about how you want to be, you’re good.

* when I use the word “negative”, I’m talking about the words you are using to describe the situation. Because by default every situation is neutral. It doesn’t become positive or negative until you choose to assign it a value .

Don’t force yourself to be happy, force your thoughts to tell a better story. One that wouldn’t mind living out and experience. And the only except thoughts that affirmed the reality that you want. From any angle. You have to learn when and how to work with your emotions. Emotions are only bad if you identify them as bad.

When you come up with any other examples, please, I would love to hear them. share them with me.

#self concept #scripting #manifesting #affirmations #mindset #law of assumption #soft black girls #neville goddard #reality scripting #reality tinkering #your desired reality is in evitable #edward art #mental health #you are not your thoughts #thought control #saber monet #if you want other examples leave a ❤️ in the comments

[altargarden]

I've been feeling drawn to Leviathan lately, so I was wondering if you have any advice or just things you think more people should know about them?

sure thing! i can do my best to help!

general advice:

always be polite and respectful. during your first encounter, try to come with some form of offering for her time.

don't make commands if you have something she can help you with, make requests instead. she will not always fulfill requests, and you need to respect that. just like people, demons are allowed to say no.

don't approach her with expectations, good or bad. having bias will not help you in any form.

if you wish to talk to her, during the beginning of your relationship, don't directly channel. give her a medium to bring messages through, such as a candle flame, divination cards, or even a book or a playlist to randomly go through.

i personally started off our relationship by referring to her as "lord"/"lady" - this is not a must, but it does establish a strong amount of respect for her power.

candles, incense, and prayers never hurt anyone. frankincense is a pretty common worship incense, if you need something general. however, i have found she likes the colour blue or gold (for candles), and dragon's blood (for incense). if you're in a place where you can't burn things, try an LED candle where you can change the colour, or wax melts in the above scents. i tend to do a healthy mixture of both, and i've never been told it's not wanted.

what people should know about leviathan:

she has a very heavy energy to some, and it can take some getting used to. if you haven't contacted her before, you may get a sensation of fear or general overwhelming sensations.

don't be off-put if she's pretty shut off from you at first. it's not that she doesn't care, she's just very guarded. it comes from her being a very emotional being, and my theory is, she does this to keep those who contact her safe.

she enjoys salty foods and (don't think of her weird for this) drinks. offerings of strong black coffee with sea salt in it has never let me down.

she respects gusto! if you have a little audacity, she respects the bravery.

she enjoys spending time close to the sea. other large bodies of water are also appreciated, but she likes the sea the most. if you can take time to visit the beach, she will appreciate it.

she likes things of her likeness, as like most dragons, she carries an element of pride to her. this can be as simple as things that are teal, blue or green, or it can be an expensive dragon statue.

to me she doesn't show herself in human form. however, i don't doubt the other accounts from other users that she can appear as human, if you request it.

offerings i recommend: blue, teal, green or gold candles, dragon's blood incense (or frankincense), scents/herbs/items marked as "protective", smoke, water, gold coins, sea shells, stuff found at the beach, dragon imagery, imagery of large ocean animals such as whales, sharks, and seals, serpent imagery, tears, jewellery, pearls or fake pearls, sea weed or foods with sea weed like sushi, fishy foods (crumbed fish, calamari, crab), salt or salted water, sand, muddy soil, the feeling you get after you wake up from a nightmare, difficult to process emotions in general (offer her to eat your negative emotions, it won't affect her i promise), fridged or ice water, prayers, thanks, compliments and gratitude.

offerings i don't recommend: non-blood body fluids (you may experiment when you're both comfortable with each other, i won't stop you, i just personally don't give body fluids to her nor have i ever done so), dry earth/soil, large fires (candles are okay but other fires she isn't really interested in), irrelevant imagery, any reference to her role in the bible (i get bitter feelings from her), the colour red or brown, blood (you do you here, but to me it's like giving blood to a shark - just be careful).

possible devotional acts: going to therapy, confronting your fears, speaking your emotions, eating salty foods, drinking the required amount of water, enjoying going swimming, educating yourself on aquatic life (especially sharks), dancing in the rain (make sure you do it safely), laughing as hard as you can, playing games that involve monsters (pokemon is a favourite for her), praying to her, giving her requests to help you with, knowing you're fierce and powerful!

i hope this helps! thank you so much for inquiring about her. she's the infernal being i'm closest to, so thus i have the most to say about her! if you have any other questions i'll be happy to listen. :-)

#bun talks #leviathan #theistic satanism #demonolatry

[deeplyridiculouslyinlove]

Okay, my thoughts at the end of book 4! I’m mostly saving these for my own posterity and there isn’t much interesting here in terms of theory or meta or whatever, so sorry to anyone who finds it in the tags.

- I *really* liked parts of this book. Rand’s experience in Ruihdean was very well done, as were most of the parts of the book in the Waste more generally IMO. Exploring Tel’aran’rhiod was very cool. And I liked learning about the cultural norms surrounding women in the other cultures who can channel. I also liked getting POV chapters for some of the antagonists. Basically, anything that was focused more on world building and less on specific characters had me so engaged I couldn’t stop listening. Not an original thought, but the world building in these books is so good.

- It really took me some time to adjust to the versions of the characters in this book, because it feels like some of them take a sharp turn from who they were books 1-3. Rand especially. I think I had been expecting a little more buildup of character growth where he grows into someone new informed by who he used to be and retaining those values, but instead he’s sort of just a different person this book. It didn’t help that I switched audiobook narrators I’m sure, but there is definitely a different tone to this book - for example, suddenly in this book there are “bosoms” everywhere and it’s weird bc like, where did that come from? Anyway, I’m learning quickly that character development isn’t the strong part of these books even though they’re all POV chapters. By the end of the book I was used to the new versions of each character, but I’m a bit sad we didn’t see more of emotional toll the characters are going through so their changes would be less abrupt. Moiraine also had a different vibe to me this book - I’m biased obviously, but I feel like we need a Moiraine POV chapter soon to understand her current arc. Not that I should ask for these books to be *longer* lol.

- I knew the coup was coming and that Siuan would be stilled but I’m still so DISTRESSED by it. In fact I was so distressed that I had to ask my partner if she eventually gets her power back like Moiraine did in the show 😂 I’m so curious if they’re essentially going to do the same storyline twice, or switch up Siuan’s somehow to avoid the stilling plot altogether? And also, I think I get why they used 2x07 to set up Moiraine and Siuan not being on the best of terms if in the books Siuan doesn’t know what’s going on with Rand when the coup occurs.

- Sadly I feel like everything I heard about the poor writing of women that had been the reason I hesitated to read the books in the first place really crop up in this book. Why is every single POV female character (and even some who aren’t POV, like Faile) in love with a male character? And don’t get me started on the weird way that the girls have their clothes change on them to expose them without consent when they think about men in Tel’aran’rhiod - that would NEVER be written to happen to a male character to show his interest in a woman. And yet at the same time they’re supposed to be all in love and weirdly horny now, they’re also somehow all soo childish - what in the world is with Elayne pulling in Thom’s mustaches?? At one point they literally say Aviendha is having a “tantrum.” It’s not just that the book is so straight, it’s also like, weird straight…

- Maybe tied to the above, but it seems like we’re not supposed to like the Aes Sedai (or maybe more accurately, the White Tower and those trained formally there) but I continue to think they’re one of the most interesting parts of these books. Even with the coup! I want so much more from their perspectives. And it seems like Jordan may be trying to make the point that “even if you have only women in power it will also be corrupt and bad because the problem is power not gender” (like reverse patriarchy!), and to the extent he is it isn’t really hitting for me - it just sort of lands for me as “women can’t be trusted with power,” which is one of the oldest tropes out there. Maybe this will improve! I’m enjoying Siuan as a key POV character, although I guess now she’s no longer Aes Sedai?

#dril reads wot #wheel of time #wot book spoilers

[iviarellereads]

System Collapse, Chapter 11

(Curious what I'm doing here? Read this post! For the link index and a primer on The Murderbot Diaries, read this one! Like what you see? Send me a Ko-Fi.)

In which family means no one's secrets get revealed.

Murderbot spends the trip recharging a bit. The hopper is faster than the ground vehicle, which is good for travel time but bad for its nerves about human safety. MB hopes B-E don't know about the construction access, and if they do, won't be able to find where the HSUs moved the tunnel vehicle.

Iris grabs a med kit and says MB's leakage is worrying her. MB says it should stop soon, and thinks its power drain is a worse problem. It kind of just wants to watch Sanctuary Moon with Art-drone, only Art-drone is even worse off, so it puts on some World Hoppers instead.

Leonide asks if MB is really a SecUnit. Iris tells her to mind her own business. Leonide calls her oversensitive, goes silent for 5.3 seconds, then bursts out to ask if someone is really watching media right now. Tarik deadpans her about distracting himself while flying, and she says fuck all of them in response.

They arrive at the terraforming end of the tunnel to find an obstruction in the hangar, but it's just the shuttle, with a hat! Ratthi deployed the survival tent to keep the dust out. His voice makes MB's performance spike upward with relief.(1)

Ratthi pushes the button for the tent to pack itself up, and they all load into the shuttle. Leonide boards first, but only to make room for Iris and MB to get Art-drone in safely. MB can feel Art watching in the feed for any funny business or betrayal, but MB thinks she just knows the fastest way to escape is to help.

With Art-drone failing, the pathfinders need a little assistance. MB steps in to do what it can, though they're far from the drones it's used to.

Unfortunately, just as everyone's starting to relax, they pull out of a dust cloud and find an armed B-E shuttle following. Iris offers "to authorize deadly force" which MB doesn't need but appreciates. MB positions the pathfinders so that one takes a blow and explodes into a cloud of sensor-scattering debris, allowing the other to swing around and bop the B-E ship on the nose.(2)

The shuttle fell away, still intact but probably dealing with damage, a disoriented bot pilot, and a terrified human crew. Our shuttle powered upward, back on course and widening the distance between us.

As they come out of the comm blackout zone some time later, they see another ship, but quickly determine it's one of their own, a University ship finally come to help.

They pick up a B-E transmission and, having decoded their encryption in just two days, play back the whole argument about whether to engage. Leonide asks for comms, and when given, stands with her team in telling the others to stand down.

The channel got so quiet, Tarik tapped it to make sure it hadn’t gone dead.

Art-prime takes over the pathfinders, redirecting them now that they're not needed for defence. Art-prime starts integrating Art-drone, and Art-drone asks which ship came to help. Art tells it to guess. Art-drone pessimistically declares it must be Holism. They finish the handoff, and as Art-drone goes dead, Iris makes a sobbing noise that startles MB. In a private connection, she asks if there was time for a full transfer, and MB confirms it. Iris adds that she always gets emotional at the thought of losing any part of her Peri and its experiences.

I know, I said. And I did know, and now I was having an emotion. Like a big overwhelming emotion. It felt bad but good, a weird combination of happy and sad and relieved, like something had been stuck and it wasn’t stuck anymore. Cathartic, okay. This fits the definition of cathartic. It was like the way I’d felt when I killed the Target who threatened Amena and laughed at me because I was upset when I thought ART was dead. Except without the violence, and that only lasted a minute or so, and this seemed like it would go on a while.(3) Nobody was dead and I hadn’t had a relapse of my stupid memory thing. And if I did have a relapse, at least I knew what it was now. Don’t just sit there, ART said to me and Iris as it brought the shuttle into its docking module. Console each other. I said, You fuck off at the same time as Iris said, Oh, shut it, Peri, and that felt even better.(4)

=====

(1) I just bet! (2) Insert a skeletor NYEHEHEH giggle from me here. Nonfatal, but completely effective. Love to see it. (3) I just need to take a minute to have my own emotion at this. Like, I keep saying on main and anywhere people will listen that engaging with anger will give you a short-term good feeling and a long-term bad habit that becomes more and more deeply patterned on your daily life and harder to break. And, I just love seeing allusions to that in this sort of fiction. Like, it was a necessary violence, and there's no denying that the feeling was justified afterwards. But, violence and anger are not pathways to fulfillment and joy. The more you give in to the rage bait, the more that anger takes over your life and affects everything you do and everyone you interact with. It's important to be aware of those choices. And I love that Murderbot's commitment is to trying to save life, even when it's life that's threatening itself or its humans. It doesn't always work, but it does make it easier to live with yourself. (4) Yep, it's definitely a love language for Art.

#the murderbot diaries #murderbot diaries #system collapse #murderbot #secunit #tarik (murderbot) #ratthi #iris (murderbot) #supervisor leonide (murderbot) #art (murderbot)

[seeminglyseph]

it's so weird to watch youtube drama and it starts out like 'oh that seems like. mildly cringe but mostly harmless' and then like an hour later it's escalated so far I'm like 'fuck okay. fine. sure. in isolation, some of these small actions are fine. But this collection of actions are extremely harmful. I do wish the handful of weird cringe window dressings weren't included but I also see how they have been used by these specific people. augh goddammit.'

And yes I'm following the weird poppy-zena drama thing. I did used to watch their youtube channel, but not follow any of their other socials so realizing just how deep the rabbit hole goes is extremely wild. so much of the stuff they spoke about on their youtube channel is antithetical to their actions off their youtube channel. But also the fact that most of the commentary channels don't actually know how POTS works is wild sometimes because the stuff dealing with Spawn is like. As a disabled adult living at home due to an inability to support myself in this economy, and the way emotional abuse can like... seriously fuck up your ability to like. have the confidence to move forward. And like. Those guys did not want that kid to leave, it was clear. and they kept them stagnant by impacting their health and fucking with their head.

Personal anecdote: my mom used to get on my case constantly to work out a budget because I was so constantly irresponsible and stupid with money, but one day I worked out a budget for what I would need if I was to get an apartment of my own and asked if, as the adult who had lived on her own and always talked about being the one responsible with money, she would look it over and give me advice on what I wasn't factoring in and what I really needed to consider if I wanted to make a realistic budget. Her response was to get extremely angry at me for thinking about moving out, and start asking me why and interrogating me about that. I got no advice about the budget and swiftly learned instead that talking to my mom about leaving was a bad idea. I also abruptly got an income cut and other life issues popped up, but. Dollars to Donuts my mom doesn't remember that this happened. This event literally meant nothing and just doesn't exist in my mom's memory and if I was to bring it up she'd tell me I was just being spiteful and blaming her for all of my problems. But often controlling parents do countless things they do not think of as mattering that leave huge impacts on their kids, and if they've done this shit since that kid is small... even if that 'kid' is an adult now. the abuse has left enough of an impact to fuck with them pretty hardcore into their adult years.

like. it's often really embarrassing to be dependent as an adult, but there's often a lot of stuff that happened when you didn't have any power that like. when you're an adult who's supposed to have power doesn't really change. if your folks have been taking your money since you were a teenager, how do you have a savings? if you've been isolated and disabled since a kid, where's your support system? if it's all you know, how do you run? Parents will complain about a 'worthless layabout' and like. they cut all that kid's lifelines. eventually they just lie down and stop. It's a lot of work to learn how to be an adult all alone.

#youtuber drama #why am I like this??? #also like pots will fuck you up so hard man #I don't know if I have it for sure but so many friends who have it think I do #doctors are inconclusive so I am inconclusive so I'm not like... acting directly on it #but from the way the mystery thing that people say is exactly like pots makes me feel #uh #the way I have felt when people have starved me and exaggerated my stress levels to extreme degrees #is that I nearly went blind and experienced a year of vom and then #uh I only half remember due to extreme dissociation #so like... from experience I hope spawn escapes as fast and as far as possible and finds support

[rainbowvolt]

I tried this once already but out of nowhere I got attacked by the overwhelming notion that my antics are pointless and that the world around me is crumbling and so I deleted the entire message and took some time to journal out my feelings in the classic rambling poetry style that I have perfected over the years. It didn't make me feel better nor did it provide any fresh prospective but I'm feeling better today so I came to the conclusion that if nothing matters then I'm going to go back to inviting just a little bit of chaos into the everyday lives of people I have never met just because at least im having fun that way. That being said, what the fuck is up gamer? I put on some sublime to write this one to bit now amazon music is playing beck (loser) but I actually really like that song so I'll allow it. Anyway I was on hinge the other day, because just like you I am chronically single, and unlike you I do care because being alone with my thoughts for too long drives me insane and to do shit like this for fun. So I'm swiping and I'm complimenting I mean just imagine me turning on the God damn charm, and I match with this one girl who I think is attractive and we're chatting it up and suddenly bam, no reason at all, I lose all interest. I just felt like it was pointless to even keep talking to her my heart just wasn't in it so I did, I stopped. I probably still could hit her up if I wanted but the truth is it's just a lot of work, relationships that is, and I don't think I have the time to dedicate someone that I want to be able to dedicate. It's weird. Life. Love. Happiness. I try to remind myself that happiness, at least the way that we see in happily ever after movies and books, doesn't really exist. The best you I can ever hope for is to be content. And I'm not sure if that's true or if that's pure unfiltered copium that I'm doling out to myself on a strict rationing schedule so I can make it through the throes of years long depressive episodes. I've considered therapy but whats a therapist going to tell me? Oh you're unhappy for literally no reason, just take these pills? I've done that ya know, the pills didn't make me happy they just made me numb to the world around me and incapable of emotions. Plus my job would kick me out onto the streets if I sought out help, I already got a waiver for it the one time and if I get back on them I'm afraid it'll be game over for my career. So I guess I'm kinda screwing the pooch here. It's always like that, coin tosses and horse races I guess. I just want to break free. I don't know if that'll solve it all, but I want the option to at least seek it out. I used to believe, genuinely, without an ounce of fucking irony that my depressive thoughts and feelings, and my borderline schizophrenic tendencies were genuine fucking shortcuts to creativity. I would sit there and really channel them into my poetry, but you know what? While some of that shit is undoubtedly the best I ever wrote, it wasn't because mental illness is some sort of magical potion, it's not because hurt and pain breeds greatness, it's because I was just being truthful I think, as raw and true as I could possibly be. And I've read some of it to people ya know, like my mom and a few friends, and they just say it's so good and I guess I appreciate their support but it's not good, it's bad ya know, i was trying to share a piece of me that i rarely let anyone see and I guess people just saw it as a piece without the deep emotional relationship that it has to my psyche, maybe I gotta specify like hey this is real shit. But ya know I've also been trying to breed a mental positivity, I try to tell myself good job and "hell yeah dude" for anything that could be considered an accomplishment. I wouldn't say it's the most effective but maybe it's doing a little something. This whole self awareness thing is kinda new to me, obviously, like I seriously lived the first 8 years of my life without a single thought, I remember like watching TV or having a conversation and it was just static upstairs.

Which is kinda funny actually cause now all I fucking do is think. Ugh. To be a frog. A mindless bug eating happy little frog. Those guys have got it made. Love frogs. A ray of sunshine in an otherwise dark and disappointing world. That and when people say bazinga. That shit is hilarious. Also, you have to say bazinga, that's the whole point of this. We've established a raport and now I'm cashing in pal, you gotta say bazinga, you owe me. And if you don't I'm reporting you to PepsiCo. They will bottle and carbonate your ass. You'll be sold worldwide. I wouldn't risk it just fucking say bazinga. I'm dialing them right now, doot doot doot look I've only got a few numbers left last chance bud

I, an autistic person who is currently wearing a flash t shirt, have been asked to say.. that word. Irony aside.. no. I'm not falling for your silly tricks, your insightful-incel Seinfeld style stand up routine, and so.. I turn it back on you. You have to say 'wubba lubba dub dub'. I'm exchanging all my favours, my coupons are going straight in to this uncomfortably shaped vending machine and my goodness something better come out. It's time to make good on your reputation, time to come forth and fulfil your destiny, to do what must be done; it's time to whip out a test tube or two to help Frankenstein some confidence into that ugly little lump of brain mass and say the damn words. Say. The damn. Words. Wubba lubba dub dub.

#i love this #it reads like Seinfeld but interesting instead of mildly offensive

[sunny6677]

October

(A Spooky Month AU Series)

PART 8/CHAPTER 8: Robbery.

Summary: A 19-year old Skid ends up moving back to his old town for the sake of nostalgia. But he finds himself surrounded by familiar faces.

TWS FOR CHAPTER; BURGULARY, BURGULARS, ROBBERY, ANXIETY IMPLICATIONS, PANIC IMPLICATIONS, GRIEF.

————

Skid had gone back to his house, planning on taking a nap like he had reminded himself to. After all, he had needed it after that nightmare. He hadn't seen anything that or dreamnt anything that horrifying since he had seen that weird eye monster he saw with Pump once. Sometimes, he had wondered if he had that much imagination when he had been a child, or if he perhaps had been insane. Pump seemed to recall it though—as did Roy and his friends. But even so, Skid was going to fiercely deny that it was real. He didn't need something else to be anxious about. Not right now.

It was when he had gotten into bed that he let his imagination wonder—channeling the inner machinations and thoughts of his mind, summoning them to collect inside of his mind, and let himself be distracted from the troubles of the day. He had seriously been considering searching for Kevin, he wanted to know how he had been. Though he didn't exactly feel the same way about Roy, Robert or Ross. He could only imagine what would happen if they met again—his mind was dreadful at the possibility of them still living here.

He had thought about his visit with Frank that day. Perhaps, as a gift, he could bring Pump an ice-cream so he would perhaps know he meant no harm? Why had Pump thought he meant any harm anyway? Or had he perhaps hot? In any case, Pump would most definitely either throw the ice-cream aside, or he would start yelling at Skid again. Maybe Skid was making too much of a mudgement of Pumps suddenly changed character? Why had he changed anyway?

Yeah.. why had he changed? He knew he had hated him due to whatever he had done to make himself seem as if he were crazy or had never cared for his mother, but what had made him so aggresive with him? And so.. different? He wasn't the same energetic, pumpkin-mask wearing boy he used to know. He had grown sarcastic, moody, cold-hearted ever since Skid had left. That was for sure.

But had Skid really done something that bad in order to make him that way? Skid sighed into the palms of his hands, sleep slightly being released from him as he sort of yawned.

"God.. I'm a horrible friend." Skid whined, he then looked down at his palms, and then to a picture of his mother that had been nearby. He had felt overcome with emotion just looking at it, though at the same time, he had felt empty. He sighed, and slightly lifted himself up. He couldn't nap. He needed to find sometime else to do so. For now, all he could do was think.

"I miss you, mom.." Skid whimpered, looking at his wrists with such emotion. He then slightly picked at his hair, stroking the tendrils of it as he observed how his mother's hair had been styled. Purple, straight when it came to how it had been shaped. God, he must have copied off of her hairstyle without realizing it.

"Sorry, mom.. I didn't mean to." Skid forced himself to grin, letting himself pick at his hair again. He had found himself opening his mouth, longing to say something to the portrait of his mom he knew would not reply, but then—

A crashing sound had come from one of the other rooms, making Skid flinch in surprise. What had made that sound? He lived alone. So why had there been a sound? Had he placed something near an edge? No, surely not.

For a few moments, he thought he had heard a muffled voice from the other room, and another speaking directly to it. He began to shiver, his breathing growing slowly rapid. Skid shook his head, 'No, no, no. You'll be fine. Let's just go check to see what it was. You'll be fine. Stop crying anytime something makes a slightly loud sound, goddamnit!' His thoughts had cursed him so.

Forcing himself out of bed, he slowly slipped onto the bedroom floor, and began to sneak foward into the slight darkness of his new found house. Slowly, slowly, ever slowly—his feet gently crept along the rug of his bedroom and onto tiles of the floor that belonged to his house. He began to hear the sound of faint yet muffled footsteps, and held back a gasp. 'Okay.. someones in your house. What do we do? What do we do?!' His panicked gaze betrayed him so.

He glanced around. He made the stupid choice of leaving his phone inside of his bedroom, which would mean he would have to creep back. But what if whoever it was got closer, and had heard him speaking on the phone? Clearly, he had to do something.

As he anxiously glanced around, he spotted a.. lemon on the floor. Earlier, when he got home, for some reason, he had been so exhausted—he grabbed something and hadn't even realized what it was, dropping it, not caring for what it had been. Had this been it? Even so, he shook his head, and crept slowly toward the lemon, picking it up in his hand. He knew it might not have been the best defense, but it was worth a try.

He hadn't known if this had been a burglar, a murder, or anything of the sort. But he wasn't going down without a fight. He'd never go down without a fight. He was Skid, the son of Lila. He wasn't going to dissapoint her, not now. He began to creep along slowly, listening for where their voices had been coming from, and had finally placed that they must have been inside of the living room. Creeping, creeping.. he made his way toward the wall of the corridor, and let out a silent sigh, keeping his breath steady. He mentally began to count inside of his mind as he heard their voices being closed now than ever before.. and..

"Agh!" He shrieked, pulling his body out of the corridor and into the blinding light of the living room, holding up the lemon as if it would actually defend him from any sort of danger. His thumbs had been pressed against the skin of the lemon, though they slightly softened once he realized what he had done.

"Woah, shit!" The taller one cursed. There had been two men, with bags over their heads. The two men held their arms up in slight defense, the smaller one clinging onto the other in fear. Skid heavily breathed, looking at the two in slight anxiety, yet kept anger in his gaze to appear assertive.

"Wait a minute, aren't you that lady we tried to rob?" The smaller one said, slightly tilting his head, those very words had made Skids heart tingle. Recognition flared in his mind. It had been the two robbers whom had robbed his house from when he had been a child, though he did not realize they were bad people when he was a kid. The slight realization that they didn't recognize him as her child then flickered in his mind too. They had recognized Skid as her. Thoughts raced in his mind as he continued to hold a defensive stance.

"No, you idiot," The taller one elbowed the smaller one with an assertive yet stern tone, "she's dead! This is someone else.. right?" The taller one looked unsure, tilting his head at Skid as if he had been a sort of curious puppy.

Skid hadnt known what to think, glancing around as he continued to pant rapidly. Without thinking, he clasped his palms around the lemon, and tightly squeezed—the lemon juice began to squirt out at a rapid pace, hitting the taller robbers face with great speed. Both robbers began to scream as Skid continued to squeeze down on the lemon. Hopefully, if he could somehow manage to get them to surrender, he could call the police on them.

In desperation, one of them had said the familiar words; "It-sa spooky month!" And began to dance at a rapid pace while smiling with glee. But that had not been relevant, as Skid only continued to attack them with lemon juice.

————

Of course, he had succeeded in doing so. He watched tiredly as the two were taken into the police car by Jack whom he had seen earlier, John had been speaking with him, apologizing for what had happened. Skid had dismissed this though, saying he had nothing to apologize for. The fact that he had a blanket on in the cold air of the town had made him feel less scared and irritated with the situation, holding a coffee mug he had made for himself once the police had came. "And.. they thought you were your mom? I'm kind of struggling to keep up with this story, kid." John had said.

"Honestly, I am too." Skid had sighed, only sipping onto his drink further. Sweat slightly dripped down his jawline as he continued to drink his hot yet satisfying liquid of energy, letting himself be soothed even with everything that had happened as of now.

He wanted to just go back to sleep now, broad daylight hadn't been helping—and the fact that it was beginning to dip into slight evening had not been helping either. Skid thought about what they had said. He didn't look that much like his mom, did he? Perhaps he could mention this to his therapist once he had saw her again. Yet even so, thoughts raced at him in his mind.

"Liar." Some of the thoughts would repeat. "Maybe you are her." Irrational thoughts repeated. He began to slightly widen his eyes at these thoughts, feeling himself beginning to slightly pant once more, panic growing harsh in his throat and chest. He wanted out of there. He just wanted to go back into his house and forget. Forget. What had he wanted to forge—

"Kid!"

He heard John say that in a loud yet soft tone, it sounded almost thrilled with concern, yet firm with that of a bold officer. Skid shook his head, and only nervously apologized while letting giggles stifle his throat—he had been forcing them of course, he did not wish to let the officer know he had not been doing well.

"Huh? Wha—what?" Skid said, feeling himself flush with slight embarrassment once more. When would he stop embarrassing himself in front of random people?

John had asked, "Kid, are you alright? You were acting.. odd earlier."

...

"Y—Yeah, I'm fine. I—I am, I swear!" Skid had almost sounded as if he had been pleading for the officer to vanish away, to go away and leave him alone with his thoughts.

"Are you sure? Because you don't seem—"

"I—I'm fine, I promise! I'll be okay. You guys took care of it, so.."

John appeared to look puzzled for a moment, before his face stung with realization. But what had he realized? What had it exactly been? "Thats—that's not what I mean, kid—" John's sentence had then been cut off by the yelling of Jack whom had been forcing the robbers into the car from afar. He had been yelling about how they were needed elsewhere, and that they would probably have to hurry if they didn't want to receive a complaint. John had sighed, saying he was coming, and there was no need for him to yell so loud.

"Alright, kid.. just.. keep yourself out of trouble alright? Weird things have been happening with this town since you left." Before Skid could answer, John began to walk off, catching up with his officer companion whom had been inside of the vehicle. Skid had wondered what on earth he could have possibly meant by that. His mind wondered, trying to come up with ideas of whatever he had meant by that. Perhaps there had been more murders? Strange things to do with serial killer like that one devil man? What had been happening since he had left? Why did he want to know?

In any case, he didn't exactly know if he wanted to know. He didn't need more things to be anxious about as he slept upon his cushion inside of his bed. There was no need for him to know, so he wouldn't investigat—

...

Someone.. or something, had bumped into him. Again.

Holding his mug, and stabilizing his nearly tumbling body, he held the mug in his hands, feeling the warm liquid from inside. He looked at some of the droplets that had tumbled onto the rocky sidewalk, and slightly became a bit sad about it. Though his sadness was then interrupted by a lower, more meaner sounding voice. It sounded aggresive, hostile.

"Hey, watch where your going, you—" The voice had cut off as well, and Skid stared into the eyes of whomever the voice belonged to. His eyes then widened once more, and his pupils became little as he stared ahead with shock. Poofy caramel-brown dyed brown hair, dark eyes, that mean glare that used to be so energetic and full of life.

Of course, this had been Pump.

//////////////////////

I'm curious—you don't have to answer this question, but if you were to pick a song that matched up with this au of Skid or Pump(or maybe them both), what would it be? I dont need to know, I'm just wondering.

#read the tws #spooky month #skid spooky month #pump and skid #skid and pump #pump spooky month #john and jack #jack and john #john spooky month #jack spooky month #spooky month au

[mmmitchmmmarner]

the mitch marner situation

i know that this fanbase is a lot. but this feels excessive even for us. the leafs are doing bad right now, they are capable of better and it’s frustrating. i want the best for them and it sucks to see them struggle like this. but everyone needs to slow down.

on the benching: mitch should have been benched. he was having a rough game, he was clearly frustrated, it was affecting his game and he needed to sit out. fine. thats not what you want from a star player, but at the end of the day he’s still human. i don’t think he needs to be traded, the fuck? players make bad plays and have bad games and have rough patches, but mitch is one of the best players in the league, who are you going to trade him for? for the people coming for mitch, auston also made some horrible plays in that game, are you gonna trade him? 

on the tunnel tantrum: i would love it if all of these players could always channel their negative emotions into their play to help them play a more aggressive, passionate game. but that’s not how this works. they’re not machines, they’re not characters or puppets. mitch is not a puppet. players get mad and smash their sticks all the time, its really not that big of a deal. it was a weird choice to go down the tunnel to do it, bit it’s not that hard to figure out why he might want to have a moment away from the cameras, especially seeing everyone’s reactions right now. dude can’t even vent without everyone coming for his throat. the toronto media is brutal, and we all know it, of course he just wanted a moment to himself. this is all so blown out of proportion.

the media comments from like two weeks ago that are still coming up for some reason: coaches. apologizing. to. their. players. is. good. actually. it doesn’t make keefe a weak coach, it doesn’t make the star players (read: mitch) soft. i don’t care how true it is, he shouldn’t have said that to the media. he can say it in meetings, with the team, to the players, but that doesn’t need to leave those rooms. keefe said something mean about his players to the media on a night where everyone was clearly frustrated. we don’t know exactly what happened, but he says that he chose to apologize and i’m choosing to believe him. there wasn’t a reason for him to address it again if he didn’t want to. he wanted to set the record straight with his players that this wasn’t something he should have said to the media. so why is it mitch specifically? he’s a face of the franchise, but he’s not their star and he’s not their captain, so why do the media turn to him specifically after keefe publicly chastised the star players? these questions need to be taken into consideration when looking at the narratives that the media spin about mitch, there is a heavy bias against him already, so whatever comes out needs to be taken with a grain of salt. the fanbase needs to stop paying so much attention to the media, they need to slow down and really think. We as fans, get such a small look into what is going on behind the scenes and one of our only widows in is a media group that we ourselves acknowledge is awful.

in conclusion, fucking chill.

#i needed to vent #personal #rant #tired of the mitch slander #mitch marner

[ocean-anchored]

Dear Future Self... June 13, 2023

I’ve been procrastinating hard.  I don’t know why, it’s not like life hasn’t been good, I think I’ve just been on a high and go go go the last several months that I don’t spend too much time sitting and thinking. Allowing myself to fully feel out my thoughts, to process or anything. I have these quick thoughts that come in and pass through. I think of things that I want to make note of and write for my update but it’s like a sentence, it’s not an emotion. It’s not deep, it’s just as though I’m writing out an event or something that happened rather than the emotion behind how I felt.  Anywhoo. Vegas won tonight! I watched the game and they absolutely destroyed. What an amazing team and season, they totally deserved it and I’m so stoked for them. Work has been going well. It’s been slow and not busy with Danny’s side, I haven’t been working too much honestly but I’m trying to now with some extra time to accumulate hours and keep the income. I paid my taxes for last year which was just under $3K which wasn’t too bad. I created a Business Number today and now have to figure out how to get a GST number next. Work with Ed has been great still. Learning a lot and things are always changing which keeps me on my toes. The direction is endless, there’s so many ways and routes and channels he’s going but I still thoroughly enjoy it and am really blessed to be working for him. I want to spend a little more time in listening and understanding the things he’s teaching. Our last friday training lunch was about Self, Other and Context as well as the OD/Work Culture ring he designed about where to fit in, internally or externally. Understanding more on looking at Self, Other and Context to become a better assistant to him and relieve more from his plate. Everything else is going pretty good. Still had been spending a lot of time (most my nights) with Zack. I’m trying to remember the last update I gave.. I don’t know if I really did one much. Amber and Naythan met Zack two weeks ago and then Amber & I went to Jeremiahs for his birthday cocktail night which was fun. Met Daniel another australian that was hilarious. Gray’s birthday party was that sunday which I can’t believe he’s going to be 2 soon. He’s growing up so fast, I made a 2 shape out of cupcakes in a race car track theme which turned out well. Went to the driving range with Abigail last week to practice more golf, Nova turned 5 last Thursday as well. I can’t believe it, she’s my whole world. I spoiled her but she deserved it. Zack was gone that night to Sask, went paddleboarding with Amanda which was nice. It’s been good to spend time with her. We’ve been talking about going to Silverwood theme park. I really want to but part of me also doesn’t, idk why. Zack will probably be gone then anyways because his work is picking up so I won’t see him as much but I just don’t want to have to arrange and pay for Nova care, and even though she said they would “pay” for the hotel etc I don’t want to feel that burden and like I owe them. I know they wouldn’t ever make me feel that way but idk, feels too hard with my work schedule being gone 3 days and having to work nights to catch up. We’ll see, haven’t fully made a decision yet. Last weekend Zack & I helped Amber & Naythan rip down their fence, we also had Senior’s pizza which was absolutely delicious. Saw the new spiderman movie with Steven, amanda and Cloude which was really good. I’ve been getting this weird reaction or allergy to something I’m still trying to source out. I had thought it was syasilic acid face oil but I backed off that, then I thought it was my mascara, now I’m thinking its the SPF bb cream so I stopped using that. Frustrating but the last day has been a bit better and my eyes aren’t fully burning anymore. I haven’t been eating very good lately, nor have I been watching my spendings either. I also just bought a portable cooler humidifier cause its been brutally hot lately and almost unbearable to sleep. Zack and I have just been going out too much, enjoying time together. We’ve spent a lot of time together but we’re at the comfortable point of not feeling like we have to entertain each other, just want to be in the presence of the other which is nice. He really does love me and I can tell. It’s really cute how he can get jealous though, reminds me how much he cares. I still fully trust him. He’s never given me any reason or any red flag to not trust him... like legit he’s so honest and is basically me in a man with values and the importance of honesty and communication etc. Like we’ve had two instances so far with miscommunication. One was when he (oh my side tangent of how I really hate that he got back into smoking.. hope that one dies out soon. we both know he can quit but yuck) had bought cigars for us before canmore and I had made a joke which turned out to not be funny I later realized, about how he should have a lighter for all his cigarettes. He didn’t like that one and I didn’t realize thats what it was about because it was an honest joke and I wasn’t mad. He was silent on that walk, I definitely knew and felt we were off. Came back home and had tried to get him to talked. I remember the feeling, I felt gross. It was literally 2 weeks into us seeing each other just before we went to canmore and I felt miserable, I really thought he hit a switch of not wanting to be with me or something, he was so distant. I finally got him to talk cause we went outside (I get it that he felt uncomfortable with Bob in the other room & wanted privacy) and then we easily just talked about it that it was a trigger and he thought I was mad at him for some reason and my “joke” wasn’t funny which we so easily communicated after to clear things up. It was actually right after that.. I remember exactly, we were about to walk back inside and he hugged me and said he was worried about his past, he was worried that I would think of him differently and hold something against him in a way? I said “who you were before I met you is a past version of yourself, I’ve fallen for who you are today, who you are right now” and he looked at me and said I love you. Precious. Ill remember that moment forever. Anyways, second “miscommunication” was a few weeks after that (I make it sound like its far a part but we’ve literally only been together for like 6-7 weeks. A month and like a week or whatever). He was going to come over, he was super tired from work an said it would be a little bit and I said to let me know & that I was going to Newcastle to watch the Knights game till he was ready to come. Anyways, turned out that he kept pushing coming over and then said he was too tired, we didn’t really go to bed the best way, neither of us slept much and when we talked about it the day after he thought that was me saying that I wanted the night away from him by going to the pub, he didn’t know i went alone haha, but he thought I went with Cody and wanted time away from him as well as being anxious about work and stressed. We talked it through just as easy. Past that there’s been no communication issues. He’s just straight up. It’s honestly so different than Richardt.. or even anyone for that matter. Like the other week when he was away and I stayed up super late for his facetime but he never did, I admit i sent a slightly passive aggressive text at 3am when I woke up and his morning text was saying he thought I fell asleep because he called me and I didn’t answer. He even showed me after that he did try to call so idk why it didn’t come through then and he made a point that he’ll text next time. I didnt even have to ask that which is stupid and basic but just really refreshing how honest he is and how much he does try and put in effort. Hes been gone since yesterday morning and he’s made efforts to text and facetime me. He won’t be back till friday or saturday I think which sucks man. I miss him a lot. He always makes me feel so damn special though. Tells me every day how pretty I am and makes me feel like I’m the only one. He’s so easy to talk to. Like easy to feel that he can be that best friend, that kind of relationship you always want. He always makes me laugh, we have such a playful side but we still have serious conversations. Ive met a few of his friends and his coworker now. It’s actually funny how many people have told him how lucky he is to have me and how he needs to hold onto me. Like legit there must be at least 10-12 people so far, half being total strangers that we’ve talked to that have told him that, which is great for me lol. Solidifies my confidence. Man I miss him so much and it’s been not even 48 hours. Sure there’s some things that I wish like his craving for smoking again and hes very aware of how much he drinks and how much is too much but I know he enjoys drinking, I’ve enjoyed it too and I always enjoy our time out, though I’m thankful for how aware he is about all of that. Like honestly his self awareness with most things is just so attractive. It’s so refreshing and really makes for that extra layer of relationship. He hit it off with Amber and Naythan so well too, which I knew because he’s just like Naythan but it’s funny how much he talks around them which is great. We’re so on point with goals and our future too which just keeps making me question or wondering if what he’s saying is true. How much he wants to travel which is such a big part of who I am and what I desire. How important family is but understanding all aspects of what having kids entails. Like with Travis all he cared or said was he wanted kids and a family. Even when we just barley were getting by on bills and life, no savings, nothing that would support or create a healthy life and future for kids, nor even any regard for understanding the intensity and responsibility of having kids. More of the “lets just have them and figure it out” sense but Zack is so different, obviously because he has a daughter of his own so that’s a massive understanding but to be on the same page of understanding is just so nice. And his love for Nova just warms my heart, its almost like he loves her as much as I do, but he also has made comments about how he can see how much I love her and care for her which is nice. He does notice the details and the little things. Again such a huge difference especially from Richardt. Like what Zack knows about me and who I am and what I’ve come from is literal night and day to Richardt, who I was seeing for friggin what, almost 5 months? I’ve been seeing Zack for just over a month and he knows me 100x better and deeper and has put in 100x more effort. He lives in Airdrie and yet still makes continuous points to ensure that we’re both equal and that I’m still doing things I want to do, he’s always asking me what I want. Anyways, I’m getting tired and I need to text Zack to tell him how much I miss him now before bed. I do keep saying but I wanted to get better at writing and not missing all the little things. Writing more emotion in my posts of reflecting. I know I posted a note a few weeks ago probably before my last update which was from that night of when I went to Newcastle and Zack didn’t end up coming over and our miscommunication and it’s still good to write that out. I was in fear and I was feeling so vulnerable and it’s ok. What’s different from that versus what and how I used to write these posts about Richardt or even Travis was the mere fact that what I was writing was red flags. I was silently acknowledging the issues and hoping that they would resolve over time rather than seeing it was a flag that hey this isn’t a good thing and won’t necessarily change. Whereas with Zack it’s my fear of loosing him and being vulnerable and hurt again. I don’t actually believe he would hurt me and I trust him 100.  More to come... as well as getting back into shadow work... also really want to pick that back up again. Catch ya in a week.. or two.

#dear future self #dearfutureself #life update #monthly update #ZP

[incarnateirony]

God it's 2024 an I think only just now did Shealyn realize, I was never doing Fucking Magic. I wasn't doing Witch Shit. Hence her inability to understand it. Because it wasn't made up horse shit off of whatever she believed on the day. It was like, an actual process and science and a whole bucket of quarter-century study on everything from psychology to piezoelectrism.

It's why you can't copy me, bitch. Your weird fuckin body pillow of my roleplay avatar you groomed your cult into humping like a psychopath is Mister Magic Octopus Man. You got that bitch confused with Psychotherapy somehow. Fix it.

You can't have a motherfucking universe where everything I or anyone else ever knew about him or his philosophy is wrong EXCEPT for my roleplay avatar's face, that shit's right, but naw, you can throw the rest in the trash, make up your own shit (well you don't, you literally stole anime jibberish cuz you can't even make up your own shit), wave your hands and delulu through with "ANYONE CAN PRACTICE HOW THEY WANT" bitch you are literally losing your mind, that's not magic and that's not practice, that's fucking dementia.

Get on some fucking antipsychotics. The anime octopus voices aren't gods, you're not possessed, you're not channeling, you didn't receive divine fucking rumpocky revelation, lemons are not powerful curses, you're just an early stage disassociative identity disorder that's floated under the radar. Schizophrenia, Shealyn. It's Schizophrenia.

Don't argue with me, fucking stop, and Mark, stop enabling this delusional shit. Let her argue about Jung to her fucking psychiatrist, even if you have to knock her out and drag her in involuntarily at this point.

You're all holding on to this absolutely batshit delusion because 1. she's basically been violating all of us and you don't want to deal with that but 2. you believed her fucking commands of the anime octopus god completely justifying the horse shit you all did to me 3. this would make you morally responsible for so much shit you will never let yourself face, top to bottom, but definitely starting at contributing to her coming apart at the seams this bad.

Like go grab a chunk of her ripped out hair and look at it. You did that. She didn't used to be like that. When you walked in for my sloppy seconds, she wasn't fucking like that, and you fucking know that. She had beautiful horse mane shit going on. You did some absolutely vile garbage to me because you didn't understand her, so I don't expect you to have any empathy for me since you proved you lack that already, but if you claim to love this woman, fucking HELP HER, and that's not enabling this shit. But no. No, then, you have to look at it. She's ripping out her motherfucking hair because she's a ball of fucking psychosis and anxiety that keeps trying to play a game to fill a void she can't replace and you keep letting her separate herself from her accountability or grieving processes with this horse shit so she's literally losing her fucking cracker and it's your fault.

So you're just... you're just gonna let her keep being like this.

You're all monsters, huh?

A pack of emotional vultures following around a schizoid spewing 2001 anime wisdom and becoming her attack dogs and somehow NOT recognizing you're acting like a cult, by literal and I do mean the literal definition of a cult.

Where she can make up whatever she wants and you guys guzzle it and laugh off the idea of actually reading another book, or even one core to what she's claiming. It's a cult, mark, and she has you on my dick, and she needs involuntary.

I don't care what lie you have to fucking tell yourself to cope with the fact that she's still after my dick this hard and using you as a proxy for me, okay, I fucking don't, but get this insane fat bitch medicated, this is definitionally nuts dude. Stop roleplaying with her or "channeling" for a few months. Just be like, you two, living together in real life, as you, and nobody else. See what motherfuckin happens.

Now ask yourself why I know about this shit, dude. How is it I know what she does with her Channeling, how is it I know she's humping you as/with/for me basically. Well because motherfucking Aaron Eema who she visualizes is me, my fucking roleplay character. It's either Me or Not Real At All, take your pick depending on perspective. And because she tried that shit with me and got confused why it just made me stop "practicing" around her. Any time she wasn't getting enough digital attention in RP it'd become channeling rp attention, but she didn't understand how clearly she was fucking it up, much like here in octopus language fetish land y'all are stuck sitting in rn. You're not special, the gods haven't taken an interest in you specifically, you're not screwing deities, you're just the next sucker in line that she glued my face on and is calling it magic. If you've been groomed into thinking you "sense" anything she's talking about, that's probably my astral cock she's had you tugging on.

[acecasinova]

Arash: 04, 11, 15

Ardezo: 06, 14, 19

Edelweiss: 02, 08, 16

Ellitdor: 00, 05, 18

Galvus: 01, 12, 17, 20

Hasr'Thal: 09, 10, 21

Lazarus: 03, 07, 13

Arash: 04, 11, 15 the emperor: How much respect does your muse have for authority? Why is this? I think he has.... a BIT of respect for authority. He'll defer when doing otherwise will probably cost him his hide, like when he accidentally got pulled into Sincerity's meeting with Asmodeous, or when the Bright Queen sent someone to find out if he had committed treason (not on purpose). But he also uuuuhhhhh.... touches a lot of things people tell him not to, was TRYING to hit on the Traveler, started a heretical cult that preached that maybe the Bright Queen shouldn't be the ONLY voice of the Luxon, and sort of definitely thinks he's a gift from the Luxon itself (and like he's not EXACTLY wrong since we found out he's sort of just straight up a Beacon and consecuted souls that are near him actually get pulled IN and get reborn...) He's mostly just incredibly flippant about EVERYTHING and if he doesn't take himself seriously, why would he take authority seriously?

justice: Does your muse find it easy to be impartial in emotional situations? No but it depends? He sort of seems to shut down in particularly emotional situations, because he knows humor isn't appropriate, but that's what he defaults to and if it won't help, he just gets withdrawn. He's very impulsive in high stress situations but if it's heavy and sad he's more at a loss, and even when someone he was interested in died, he was at a loss. (He HAS healing magic, but it's limited and he can't actively or purposefully resurrect anyone)

the devil: Is your muse addicted to any substances? Is there anything that could possibly make them quit? Surprisingly, he isn't! He's definitely dabbled in party drugs, alcohol, weird magics, etc, but he's actually fairly careful about limits, and even if he leaned into it more, he kinda stopped cold turkey when he left home and landed in a breakneck speed adventure, was comatose in the Shadowfell for a while after channeling hundreds of souls at once (whoops), then found out his cousin's whole family had been kidnapped. REALLY makes it hard to go figure out how to source some fun, you know?

Ardezo: 06, 14, 19 the lovers: How important are relationships to your muse? Do they value having a significant other? Not... suuuuuper important? He's probably had some flings or little casual friends with benefits, but he's not really focused on finding a significant other at the moment. Before, it was because he's obviously undesirable as someone with weak dragon blood- he's only HALF covered in scales and you can see fleshy bits!

temperance: Does your muse make plans? How impulsive are they? Has this gotten them into good / bad situations and how have they dealt with them? ....Well considering he's currently barricaded inside a temple that's only recently had one of the fires keeping them inside extinguished, and THAT happened because he decided he needed to travel halfway across Faerun to join a sect of the cult of the dragons that his siblings AREN'T already involved in... I'd say he does SOME planning. Is it good planning? No, probably not. But he HAS been sitting on this one and letting the grudge build for at LEAST five years now, so I wouldn't say ALL his plans are impulsive. (This situation is VERY out of the ordinary for Ardezo- he really prefers to be sneaky and not be out in the open or directly involved, but what can you do, eh?)

the sun: In general, how optimistic is your muse? Does your muse appreciate the small things in life? Fairly optimistic, actually! He grew up being prepared to be an assassin, and ended up serving a temple to both death and undeath, so you learn to appreciate the small things and savor them as they come. Never know when Null might take you! And in addition to being surrounded by death and dying dragons, he also went through two Rages in his more formative years. But he rather strongly believes that he's on the right divine side and tends to think on the bright side (which probably puts him at odds with most shadow dragon ilk, but that's never really bothered him much) he knows things can go wrong and FAST so when they don't, he's pleasantly surprised!

Edelweiss: 02, 08, 16 the high priestess: How does your muse make decisions? Do they trust their instinct or would they rather trust their heart/their logic? Instinct! Then heart, then logic. For all his ice themes, Edelweiss is a very emotion and impulse driven being, though that could also be the fey blood influencing him all the same. He's more calculating in social situations, but as soon as it isn't a job, he's completely unmoored from trying to be "logical"

strength: How does your muse use their energy? Do they tend to work towards their goals steadily or in bursts? Definitely in bursts- he's very impulsive and it comes across heavy in his actions and motions towards goals. Heck- he saw a guy he liked and immediately set about trying to flirt with the subtlety of an iceberg,,,,,

the tower: What event drastically changed your muse’s life? Do they resent that event or are they glad of it? Well his 13th birthday kicked off his ostracization by the community and foray into magic.... He does resent it for the grief and guilt it caused, but I think he's a bit more at peace with it now.

Ellitdor: 00, 05, 18 the fool: What are your muse’s thoughts on new beginnings? Does it frighten them or excite them? A bit of both, but probably a bit more fear at this point, given what's happened so recently.... He WANTS a new start and he WANTS it to work but he's so so so sheltered and his practical skills outside his parents estates are.... almost non-existent.

the hierophant: What are your muse’s morals/ethics? Do they follow their moral code strictly? He believes in following the rules- they're there for a reason and are a good guideline for the expectations a place has, which are helpful for knowing what you can and can't do, or what's acceptable- a thing he desperately needs at this point. Ellitdor has an impulsive streak, though, and he believes that everyone is worthy of respect and being treated fairly, so if there are rules that seem cruel or purposefully unfair, he's less likely to acknowledge them. His moral code is definitely still a work in progress- there's not much testing of it when you've lived in a gilded cage at home all your life, but the party has already butted heads about Elli sticking to his morals and wanting to do the more "lawful" thing, so he's far from spineless about it.

the moon: What does your muse long for? Is it a realistic desire? To anyone else, it likely would be a realistic desire, but Ellitdor is a noble sun elf from a rather notable family, and as such, there are certain rules and expectations he must follow, and that.... makes his desire a lot more out of reach than it otherwise might be. Is his loyal knight by his side forever such an impossible thought?

Galvus: 01, 12, 17, 20 the magician: How does your muse feel about fate? Do they believe they can change their own destiny? He believes in Fate rather strongly. The fabric of fate has held together for so long, and his Matron, Queen of Ravens, is rather keenly aligned with it. He thinks it can be warped, or in certain cases, perhaps changed, but he's quite content with his own. Galvus has lived his whole life serving those who ran the course of their lives, and recently has started perhaps exerting some sway over it, but he defers always to the Raven Queen for the final say, and he doesn't shy away from his calling.

the hanged man: How open is your muse to new opportunities? Do they constantly look for them or do they simply take whatever comes their way? Galvus is fairly passively open to opportunities. He doesn't go seeking them, but he'll accept what comes with an open, curious mind and hey! Dude finally discovered that he might like men, so that's a new and exciting development!

the star: What does your muse take inner comfort in knowing? What guides your muse? He takes comfort in knowing that he, as an aasimar and a shadar kai, has a fate set out for him. He's comforted by the fact that everyone and everything ends, and he can be there for those who are at the end of their lives, or those they leave behind. He's studied death in all its forms, and his faith in that one consistency and his part in it guides a lot of what he does as a grave keeper and a grave cleric.

judgement: Is your muse forgiving of themselves? How about of others who wrong them? Depends on what's been done, quite frankly. I think he lets a lot of small things go like water off feathers, but if you trespass against the sanctity of life and death, you've got the divine wrath of a scourge aasimar coming down on you. He's not above second chances, though, or letting people learn (if you f-ck around, he'll let you find out), but he's less forgiving if you start proving you won't learn. (Then he gets a little bit snappy and harsher)

Hasr'Thal: 09, 10, 21 the hermit: How introspective is your muse? How often do they self-reflect? ...He DEFINITELY gets lost in his own head, but it's less.... self inspection and more just keeping his plans and his ideas tactfully to himself. (Bad idea, probably) Hasr'Thal could really do with some self reflection, but with no one to actually hold up a mirror and say "Dude- you good?", he's not gunna go there on his own. (He's a young drow who has NOT done as much deconstruction as he probably should have)

the wheel of fortune: How well/badly does your muse take setbacks on their goals? ....Well I would say he doesn't take set backs too bad, but when his sisters kidnapped him, he DID sort of sell his soul a second (third?) time to an eldritch Void beyond comprehension so. He tries to have contingency plans for EVERYTHING, but a big setback WILL piss him off and he might try to rashly overcorrect. Hasr'thal tends to be a nag when it comes to set backs within the party and when THEY don't stick to a goal, though, lmao- to the extent that he sought out a way to speak through his familiar, Mesmer, so that he could chastise the others when she accompanies them in more split scenes lol

the world: Is there one thing in life that your muse must accomplish? What will they do when they complete that goal? Everything he's done since fleeing the Underdark has been to kill Zahana, the goddess of Darkness who leads the cult he grew up in. He WILL end the cycle of violence with one incredible act of violence- he WILL cut off the snake's head and cauterize its neck. (He may be just as deep in the cycle as any of them. His main motif might be the ouroboros and bloodstone). Hasr'Thal is fully prepared to die or go completely mad and become a bbeg himself in order to accomplish this, and the fact that spells below 6th level don't even affect Zahana is actually one of the setbacks that's pissed him off the most, as a lvl 15 warlock....

Lazarus: 03, 07, 13 (Previously answered) the empress: Does your muse have parental/nurturing figures in their life? How do they impact them?

He does~ Eurydice, our party paladin, sort of decided she was going to be this scrungy vampire's mother, even if that just meant leaving clothes and blankets out by her orphanage's barn until he got comfortable enough to show his face without hissing (And legally, as far as Valaki is concerned, she adopted him even if Strahd forced her hand and made her sign over custody for a year recently) She's sort of been where Laz off-loads moral choices to and kind of enables him because she used to be feral too, but hey, she HAS managed to make him bathe SOMETIMES and actually domesticated him enough that he'll TALK to other people, even if he was her glorified undead shadow when the party first met them both... ....She also frequently scruffs him if he says something TOO off color and knows how he ticks, so she can generally get him to listen or do what she needs him to do

(Esmeralda is more of an aunt than a parental figure, and while uuuuuh Kindness DEMANDS that Laz is her... son/dog thing, she's sort of the culmination of the WORST aspects of what a 'mother' might be and while she does garner some obedience when she shows up, it's mostly fear based and everyone hates to see it)

#oc ask game #arash #ardezo #edelweiss #ellitdor #Lazarus #Hasr'Thal #Galvus

[ihavesomeflowers]

25/01/2023

I have a lot to say about today. Let's start from the beginning. I got up kind of late, at like 2 or 3 PM. That's already a bad sign since i tend to feel better about myself when i get up early, even if i don't end up doing anything, it helps and i feel more optimistic, even. I often watch this content creator, Jschlatt, and he has a channel called ''the weekly slap'' where he just chills and gives advice to people and he's said in the past how he feels the best when he's up and doing things, y'know? Like, getting up in the morning and tackling your day. That's what i strive to achieve, on days i can do that, it's great and even if i end up having a bad day i can at least say, ''i got up in the morning''.

As i said, today wasn't one of those days so i lament having missed out on the morning, it's my favourite time of day, after all. After getting up, i didn't have lunch just a weird kind of 4 PM breakfast that didn't make me too happy but it was food so whatever. After that, i did the dishes, again, while listening to the same podcast as yesterday. This episode talked about Emil Cioran who's quotes i started to read later on and he's quite an interesting fella. Needless to say, i enjoyed the episode a bunch, it made me feel better about my day which i can really appreciate. Here's one quote i like, ''I am displeased with everything. If they made me God, I would immediately resign.'' Honestly, who wouldn't?

And now onto the havier stuff. I had an argument with my girlfriend, well, kind of. I wouldn't exactly say ''argument'', more like, disagreement. This is something we have not seen eye to eye with for some weeks now. The issue is, she suggested meeting this weekend and i said maybe we should wait for the next one. The past few weeks, the same thing has been happening, she says we should see each other and i'm always hesitant. This isn't because i don't wanna see her, i love them more than anything else in the world, this is for external reasons. I have not been doing the best in terms of energy lately. Often times i feel drained and so so heavy, i can't even get up and eat during the day sometimes, i still talk with them and we call a good part of every day but meeting up in person takes so much out of me. She's asked me, ''Is it not worth it?'' and thinking about it, it is. She is worth everything and i am so sorry i struggle with giving her my best, i suppose it's something i'll have to continue working towards in the future.

Continuing with the topic, she said some stuff to me in a tone that i didn't like. This isn't the first time they talked to me very aggresively about this matter and i've explained it to her best as i could, how i'm working towards overcoming it and how sorry i am that it's hurting her in this way but it keeps hapening. They already said sorry and i can tell that she regrets it but the more happens, the more this issue is on my mind and the guiltier i feel. As i've hinted, we resolved it and we are actually on a call, currently. That's a thing i like about this relashionship, if we ever have a tense moment, we are usually alright in the next hour. Even if the problem itself isn't really resolved, i feel better about it after having talked with her about it while being more calm.

I also cried a bit while watching a video on Youtube, which isn't surprising from me, i tend to be quite emotional. I was watching TommyInnit's tribute to the DreamSMP which did quite a number on me, honestly. Laugh all you want but that server meant, and still means, so much to me. It has helped me during the hardest years of my life when i had absolutely no one. Quarentine had just started and i didn't have any friends, i hadn't met my girlfriend yet and i was never one to talk to my family. I was always isolated in my room feeling terrible about myself for not being able to do all of the schoolwork i had to do. After half a year in the pandemic, i just stopped trying. I stopped paying attention to the chats, i never attended the classes and with my parents having no way of knowing about this, they just assumed it was all normal. I felt so guilty and tired and lonely i could barely even bring myself to pretend i had a normal life anymore.

And so, i found Wilbur Soot and fell in love with his content. His jokes, personality, the timing of his commentary, his views on the world, his dramatism, it all made me think that that was exactly how i wanted to be. He quickly became an inspiration, a reason to be someone. Naturally, i came across this silly little series he has on this server and it was insane, i had actually found this piece of media i can let my feelings through. And so it began. So many people that have inspired me to be who i am today were part of this, Tommy, Wilbur, Technoblade, Jschlatt, all of them shaped me into the person i am today. They taught me confidence, bravery, originality, witt, they even sparkled the dramatic little flame that now lives inside of me, they were the ones to bring the theathre kid out of me, that's crazy to me.

In short, they mean a lot to me. The DreamSMP means a lot to me, and watching Tommy speak so passionetly about it and reflecting back on everything, from the people behind the cameras to the actual story and the characters and the relashionships and everything that it has brought to my life, it was a lot. Not in a bad way, of course, it just made me a bit more emotional then usual.

Well, i should really wrap this up, no one likes super long rants about nothing. I think i'll say yes to spending time with my girlfriend this weekend, i miss her. I also haven't done any duolingo stuff i said i was gonna do. Oops. The good thing is, there's always tomorrow, so let's hope i can write something in here in german then, that would be fun. Anyways, see you.

PD1: i love drinking water, makes me feel healthy even when i'm not.

PD2: i love my partner, they are so awesome.

PD3: longing and lament are cool words.

PD4: no hay.