#rrrrraaaaaaaaaagh!!!!

[genderfluid-druid]

dissociating at the gym is a great way to cope when you have a lot of nervous energy and/or emotions to process, but watch out bc sometimes the processing you need to do is cry

#i am still knocking loose emotions that haven't seen the light since 2017 #it's weird. it's not bad. it's just. these emotional channels have been stopped up for ages and now i gotta flush the mold growing in em #also by “cry” i mean sit in the car n make kinda guttural noises because crying has never come easy to me and it's only gotten harder on T #OH YEAH that's the other thing #hitting two notches above my previous highest speed on the treadmill and then checking my heart rate and realizing it's not even that high #is such a mix of joy and frustration #it's like the fury I've heard adhd people describe when they finally get medicated and their brains stop fighting them #like yeah it's good but i wish it hadn't been so hard before #rrrrraaaaaaaaaagh!!!! #a few years ago before i transitioned or even really thought of it i was talking to a trans guy #who used to do a lot of welding. and he said something like. once he transitioned people stopped giving him shit/treating him like #he didn't belong in a welding shop #and it made him so angry he didn't want to weld anymore #which at the time i felt was kinda extreme. like if you love welding then who cares! #but. i kinda get it now. it's SO FUCKING INFURIATING to suddenly have things become easy #you kinda gotta take a minute!!! #(he did go back to welding btw)