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Books of 2021 - Words of Radiance by Brandon Sanderson

It’s probably time to admit what is probably my most unpopular opinion about the Cosmere: I hate Words of Radiance. It’s the book I have to slog my way through to get to Oathbringer. Part of my dislike is heavily linked to my disillusionment about Shallan… However, I do think the big moments in this book – most notably the duel scene and final battle – cloud people to the genuine faults in it. It is a technical step up from The Way of Kings, but there are huge parts of this book that are unnecessarily slow to read and there is a huge thematic drop that starts in this book that I cannot forgive Sanderson for. I also dislike a lot of the individual plotlines, major characters are barely in this book, and a lot of the big reveals/developments feel unearned because they had to happen in this book so we could get on with the more important conflicts in the rest of the series.

This review has spoilers for The Stormlight Archive, you have been warned.

Structure and Plot

I don’t want to touch on the structure too much because a lot of my niggles for The Way of Kings continue into Words of Radiance. All of these books have too much fat around them – the interludes continue to feel irrelevant; the main bulk of the book is drawn out slightly too much; and the flashbacks are merely okay, they haven’t reached the level of Oathbringers’ flashback sequence yet. However, Sanderson does make some serious improvements in this book.

Shallan, our focus character, does have a much more interesting backstory and the flashbacks have slightly more bearing on the present-day plotline. However, for me, they lose interest on subsequent rereads and there are slightly too many of them that don’t add any new information once we’re aware of how terrible her family life is. They are an improvement on Kaladin’s, and I like them a lot more, however, considering how much we STILL don’t know about Shallan (as of Rhythm of War) Sanderson could have utilised them better in this book. Saying this, I do remember really liking the flashbacks on my first read, so I really do think my current negativity is a product of having read this book one too many times? I’m going to hold off on Sanderson for a couple of years after this reread so (if I remember) I’ll come back and reevaluate how I feel about Shallan’s flashbacks with a fresher eye.

Sanderson also gets us into this book a lot quicker than he did in The Way of Kings. Jasnah’s prologue is one of my favourites in the series so far, and part one does hit the ground running. It sucks the reader back into the world, refamiliarised with the essentials of the story, as well as introducing the next leg of the plot. It’s a fabulous introduction and it’s one of the strongest first parts in the series as a whole.

Unfortunately, the pacing doesn’t reflect this strong introduction – once Shallan loses Jasnah’s guidance, and Kaladin is established as Dalinar’s guard the book dramatically slows down. Kaladin’s chapters, while slow, have some differentiation to break them up with Bridge Four learning how to be guards. Shallan’s turns into an interminable slog across the countryside. One of the things I loathe in fantasy are the long journeys with nothing going on – sometimes they can be done beautifully. For example, I love Sam and Frodo’s section in The Two Towers, but Shallan’s is just painful. Sam and Frodo’s journey is so fascinating because of the internal struggle they are going through (together and separately), it’s atmospheric and powerful because of its character work. Yes they are trying to get to Mordor, but the goal isn’t what matters here – it’s whether Sam and Frodo can survive the journey, and what state they will be in when they get there.

Shallan’s journey is clearly a way to get her to the Shattered Plains in the right circumstances and it shows. We’re journeying from A to B, with a few obstacles thrown in. There is some development from Shallan as she learns the basics to being a conwoman from Tyn. However, again this is something thrown in to keep Shallan’s point of view interesting while she’s riding through the countryside. It’s not vital character growth that can only be done at this point in the journey. If we’re going to slog it through the wilderness there needs to be a point to it that can only be learnt from showing such a long journey – otherwise cut down Shallan’s chapters in this section and only show the necessary highlights, while hinting at the longer journey through her internal reflections.

I’m also just going to throw out that I was bored in part three – the end of this part is phenomenal, and contains the famous duel scene with Adolin and Kaladin, which is one of the highlights of the whole series. However, the build up to this scene is repetitive and a bit dull in places? It’s possibly because I’m not a huge fan of Shallan and Kaladins’ arcs in this book. I’ve never liked the Ghostbloods plotline (and it’s only gotten worse with the Thaidakar reveal in Rhythm of War), Shallan’s romance with Adolin is slightly cringey, and I’m going to have a rant about the Kaladin/Moash conflict when I get to writing about Kaladin’s character. The main plotlines in this book are a bit…painful? They scream filler for a lot of part three – I don’t necessarily mind it; I actually like the conflict between Adolin and Kaladin because it does make sense for both characters. It doesn’t do much except build a camaraderie between them and develop their characters, but there are a few too many scenes of it, along with the painful romance scenes. Sorry, romance isn’t Sanderson’s strong point…

Prose

Still painful, still don’t love it. I do think there is a slight improvement between The Way of Kings and Words of Radiance because there aren’t any egregious moments that stand out to me in this book. Some moments, such as Kaladin’s first flight through the chasms and then when he’s flying with Syl over the Shattered Plains, even stand out as highlights for Sanderson’s writing – I really feel Kaladin’s joy and sense of freedom. There are some lovely moments in this book, and it does mark an improvement in Sanderson’s writing style! However, I’m still not a fan of Sanderson’s prose as a whole, it still feels clunky in places, and I’d prefer it to be a little bit more refined. This is very much a personal preference complaint though, as I stressed in my The Way of Kings review.

Magic System

I should probably discuss Sanderson’s magic system in the Stormlight Archive at this point, especially as it’s becoming more and more relevant as we continue into the series.

So, for those of you who are reading this without having read the book (why?!), Stormlight is dominated by a hard magic system called Surgebinding. Human Surgebinders (I’ll probably discuss the Singer’s surgebinding abilities in a later review) are members of one of the ten orders of the Knight’s Radiant: Windrunners, Skybreakers, Dustbringers, Edgedancers, Truthwatchers, Lightweavers, Elsecallers, Willshapers, Stonewards, and Bondsmiths. Each order possess the ability to manipulate two of the ten surges using Stormlight to power their abilities:

Windrunners: adhesion and gravitation

Skybreakers: gravitation and division

Dustbringers: division and abrasion

Edgedancers: abrasion and progression

Truthwatchers: progression and illumination

Lightweavers: illimitation and transformation

Elsecallers: transformation and transportation

Willshapers: transportation and cohesion

Stonewards: cohesion and tension

Bondsmiths: tension and adhesion

They also gain magical armour and weapons known as Shardplate and Shardblades, although when each order gets their plate and plate depends on the order and spren/nahel bond. The order of the Radiant will depend on what oaths they swear and what type of spren they are bonded to:

Windrunners: honorspren

Skybreakers: highspren

Dustbringers: ashspren

Edgedancers: cultivationspren

Lightweavers: cryptics (“liespren”)

Elsecallers: inkspren

Willshapers: lightspren

Stonewards: peakspren

Bondsmiths: the Stormfather, Nightwatcher, or the Sibling (I don’t think we have a spren category for these three)

In Words of Radiance, we get the most insight into Windrunners and Lightweavers through Kaladin and Shallan, respectively, so I’m going to focus on these orders. This does actually work well because the Windrunners and Lightweavers can represent the two “styles” of orders quite well, each one being fairly structured or esoteric respectively.

Kaladin’s Windrunner powers are the most stereotypical magical ability – using gravitation Kaladin can fly, well technically fall in any direction, but the effect is the same. We see him using his powers to soar through the skies above the Shattered Plains, and run on walls. The effect is incredibly cinematic to read (although I suspect it would look ridiculous if poorly adapted into a visual medium) and enhances Kaladin’s status as an ‘action hero’. His other ability, adhesion, is slightly less dramatic – at least when it’s used straightforwardly. He can stick things together, or draw objects towards something else, including people, with magical superglue.

However, Kaladin’s, and the rest of the Knights Radiants’, powers are connected to the oaths he swears and his bond with Sylphrena (Syl). The Knights are granted the ability to surgebind and control their powers through 5 oaths, each order has different oaths but the first is universal: ‘Life before Death, Strength before Weakness, Journey before Destination’. In Kaladin’s case his oaths are connected to protecting others, which does slightly excuse Kaladin’s “saving people thing” and inability to let it go if people he cares about die. Whether Kaladin keeps his oath depends on whether Syl, his bonded Honorspren, best friend, and a tiny piece of divinity in her own right, agrees whether he is keeping them in spirit – something we explore at length with Kaladin’s plotline in this book.

Shallan’s Lightweaver powers are also incredibly visual, especially as she spends all of this book focusing on illumination, which gives her the ability to shape Stormlight into realistic illusions. Her abilities are particularly useful for subterfuge and lies as Shallan can use them on herself to change her appearance, or on their own to make it appear as if something is there when it’s not. Her other ability – soulcasting, the surge of transformation – still hasn’t been explored as of Rhythm of War. Soulcasting changes one substance into another, but exactly how it works and the extent of its power is still uncertain. However, from what we’ve seen through Jasnah, who also has the ability, it is overpowered and very cool.

Shallan’s oaths are less obvious than Kaladin’s and it’s hard to tell what oath she’s on by the end of the book – although this is also heavily linked to Shallan’s backstory and developments in her character in later books,Shallan is definitely a non-standard Radiant! Her oaths, after the initial oath, are made up of truths about herself. She speaks her truths to her spren, Pattern, in order to progress as a Radiant. Her oaths also force her to develop as a person, which has been a painful process because Shallan has been lying to herself since she was a child and doesn’t want to admit what she’s done.

The magic system is clearly very complicated, and we still don’t know everything about it, six of the ten orders haven’t been explored through their specific books, and even the orders we have seen a lot from through our viewpoint characters are shrouded in mystery – I’m still not entirely sure what Bondsmiths do despite having the Bondsmith book (Oathbringer) because the order is so esoteric. It’s well drawn and compelling, especially as Sanderson uses the progression of the Knights as a mystery throughout the books. Despite not being that interested in hard magic systems the magic in this book is interesting and I really like the structure around the Radiants – it also makes for interesting discussion, debates, and Harry Potter style quizzes in the fandom, which is fun!

Characters and Plotlines

Kaladin, Syl, and Moash – Unfortunately, my new found love of Kaladin was tried in this novel because Kaladin REALLY gets on my nerves in Words of Radiance. It’s not because I disagree with Kaladin per se… I actually agree with a lot of Kaladin’s anger, resentment, and sense of injustice with the social system in Vorin/Alethi society. Kaladin has a right to feel angry and seek retribution for what was done to him, and Bridge Four.

However, Kaladin walks around with a massive chip on his shoulder in this book, particularly in how he talks to and thinks about Dalinar and his immediate family. His motivation I can understand and sympathise with, but the impression of ‘I’m so hard done to, the world is against me’ that Kaladin radiates in this book feels completely at odds with the reality of his situation. Yes, Kaladin has a right to be angry. Yes, he has a right to seek justice. But there is no reason he should be so personally antagonistic towards everyone because of their social position. He is in a position of power, he’s outside the social hierarchy to a large extent, and in control of his own life (and the lives of the ex-Bridgecrews). Kaladin is angry at everyone and everything, but he’s losing the justification for a lot of his resentment, particularly when it’s expressed towards Dalinar and his sons.

In particular I have an issue with Kaladin’s main plotline around Moash and the attempt to assassinate Elhokar. Aside from the fact I hate Moash, to the extent where Moash could be dropped from the books without resolution and I wouldn’t bat an eye (sorry Moash fans - I’ve never liked him…), this plotline just doesn’t feel right for Kaladin’s character. It actually feels like a betrayal of the character we got to know in The Way of Kings and continue with in Oathbringer/Rhythm of War. I can’t see a world where Kaladin Stormblessed is okay with murder or assassination.

Kaladin’s whole deal is honour and justice - justice as in what’s morally right (legality is another thing entirely!) He also wants to protect everyone, including Syl - Syl perhaps above everyone else as Tien is dead - but this plot is something she explicitly isn’t comfortable with and is concerned about. I CAN see a world where Kaladin pursues a plan to see Elhokar removed from power, but not assassinated. The argument about Elhokar’s removal being like removing a gangrenous limb (or whatever the exact metaphor was) doesn’t hold up for his character.

What makes this whole plotline worse is it doesn’t really lead anywhere, other than placing Moash on the opposite side to Kaladin in the upcoming war. All that we really get from it is confirmation that Kaladin is a Windrunner to the core (which we already knew) and Moash is on whatever side Kaladin isn’t because they’re foils for each other. However, the only real outcome of this entire 1,000 page plotline is Moash is maneuvered into position for his arc in Oathbringer, and Kaladin gets to swear his third ideal. Yet Kaladin’s perspective doesn’t radically change and quite frankly working out the third ideal could have been done in another way, without betraying Kaladin’s character for two thirds of a book. It was there to conveniently get a few characters where they needed to be for the next book, and to let Kaladin have another superhero moment. I love Kaladin superhero moments as much as anyone else - I just wish it wasn’t prefaced with this plotline.

One thing I really don’t understand - and is why I dislike this plotline so much - is why we’re stressing so much on a Kaladin-Moash friendship anyway. They don’t feel like friends! Honestly, this is a larger problem with Bridge Four as a whole - their friendship with Kaladin doesn’t feel earnt. Well no, Rock, Teft, and Lopen do. But the larger part of Bridge Four feels like they’re just there? They definitely feel like they’re friends with each other, but not necessarily with Kaladin.

I’ve already confessed that I’m not the biggest fan of Bridge Four at the best of times because they feel like a sports team underdog narrative, which is honestly my worst nightmare of a storyline. However, I DO want to see Sanderson actually show Kaladin being friends with them, especially as they are such a huge part of his motivation to protect. We have one scene - the bar scene - with a few of them acting like a genuine friendship group. Yet this doesn’t make for a genuine friendship, we need more little moments throughout the book, including Kaladin.

Sanderson does improve on the Bridge Four dynamic, Oathbringer and Rhythm of War make me feel like Bridge Four are genuine mates a lot more than Words of Radiance does. However, for this book we do need to see Kaladin and Moash as real friends, maybe even as close as brothers, for the Elhokar assassination plotline to work. But we don’t! It’s easier for me to believe Adolin and Kaladin’s friendship than Moash and Kaladin! And Adolin and Kaladin spend most of this book bickering…

I think the real issue with this plotline is the execution. The way Kaladin’s character has been established, the lack of page time spent on Bridge Four as a whole and Moash in particular, and ultimately small outcomes for this plotline makes it feel tedious and slightly pointless. Sanderson needed to increase the REAL stakes - there was no way Kaladin was really going to lose his status as a radiant, just for narrative reasons - and work on the emotional impact. We need to believe Kaladin would really go through with the assassination, and his friendship with Moash before getting to this plotline. But as we don’t, or at least I don’t, feel this so Kaladin’s anger and it’s consequential plotline ends up frustrating me to the point where Kaladin is on thin ice for a lot of this novel.

Shallan - Okay, I’m going to address the elephant in the room later - the elephant is Shallan and the “Boots scene” if you weren’t aware. However, I do have a few other complaints about Shallan in this book.

My main issue with Shallan, excluding the classism I’m addressing later, is that a lot of her character feels unearned (in this book specifically not as a general rule.) Not in the sense that her powers feel unearned, or her backstory isn’t believable (which I really love), but her achievements and relationships in Words of Radiance feel cheap. There are several moments that stick out to me as being particularly annoying.

Firstly, Shallan’s ability to control Tvlakv, Tyn, and the merchant caravans. Personally, I find this whole situation ridiculous when I think about it. I can go along with Shallan being able to get to the Shattered Plains miraculously meeting the slave trader who sold Kaladin. However, the fact Shallan is apparently capable of manipulating Tvlakv into taking her there with very little conflict is ludicrous.

Shallan’s a shipwrecked, fairly middling noble with few resources at her immediate disposal, and a somewhat shy (if on later acquaintance bubbly) personality. It doesn’t make sense to me that she can have this influence over Tvlakv. Yes she’s been taught by Jasnah, and yes she does have some confidence/authority from her own position as a lighteyes. However, I’m really struggling to believe that, at this point in her story, she is a good enough actress to pull off an aloof lighteyed woman of significant enough rank to make Tvlakv do what she wants, especially when they’ve met in the middle of nowhere and Shallan has no other options.

My second issue with this is with Adolin and Sabarial. Adolin also falls into my larger complaints about Sanderson’s romances, which are by far the weakest elements in any of his books. However, let’s start with Sabarial:

So… Why the hell does Sabarial take her in? It makes ZERO sense. The ‘because it annoys Dalinar’ argument just doesn’t cut it, and neither does the ‘Sabarial is so weird’ perspective. As bonkers as he appears on the surface, we know Sabarial is a shrewd businessman. He’s lazy, but also a clever and manipulative leader, he doesn’t do anything without getting something in return. However, he doesn’t get anything from taking Shallan in except the satisfaction of getting one up on Dalinar? She doesn’t even do his accounts properly! It feels like an inconsistent character move that is only there to suit the storytelling and give Shallan more freedom, rather than demonstrate Sabarial's motivations.

Okay Adolin is both better and worse than Sabarial. I can genuinely understand why Adolin likes Shallan so much and vice versa. I love the relationship they have once it’s been established - they’re good for each other (well I think Adolin is better for Shallan than she is for him, but the point stands.) However, it’s just so insta-lovey! They just meet and it’s like the heavens aligned, and a perfect relationship blossoms. It’s not quite that fast, but it’s pretty quick. And I just don’t buy that initial push into their bond.

I just find this initial meeting and first couple of dates unbelievable? It’s also very cringey… I can’t read some of their ‘banter’ because it’s painful for me at this point - I’m literally Kaladin whenever he has to watch them together. It’s the worst combination of Sanderson’s sense of humour, his poor romances, and annoyingly quirky characters. By Oathbringer I do think they have a good, settled relationship going on, but in this book I really dislike the way it’s sparked. (I’m also questioning why Adolin doesn’t seem to be mourning Jasnah and is going out on dates? It just seems off to me!)

Honestly, I could probably live with both of these aspects if it wasn’t for the final, most egregious issue I have with Shallan in Words of Radiance. Her discovering Urithiru.

I cannot stress enough how much I HATE that Shallan discovered the Oathgate on the Shattered Plains. The other successes feel unrealistic and unearnt but are ultimately small moments that would have to happen in some form - Shallan has to get to the Shattered Plains, and she has to meet/fall in love with Adolin. They’re irritating in how they’re executed but are ultimately okay instagatory moments.

On the other hand, finding Urithiru is one of the biggest moments in the whole series! It’s a significant part of the climax of the whole book! Without it we’d be reading a very different series in Oathbringer and beyond. But giving this huge moment to Shallan is completely out of proportion to the work she’s put in. Yes, Shallan has been looking for it for a few months, she wants to continue Jasnah’s work. However, Jasnah has been slaving away at this for YEARS, literally YEARS. Why does Shallan get this moment of triumph? It’s completely unwarranted for what she’s done, especially as she literally couldn’t have done it without Jasnah’s research. It just pisses me off that we seem to give all the credit to her when, in reality, she drew a map.

I think this annoys me so much because Sanderson went down the ‘kill the mentor’ trope for this book. There was actually very little reason to remove Jasnah in the way he did in Words of Radiance - Shallan could have easily been ignored by Jasnah once they reached Shattered Plains as she’s dealing with the high stakes politics/war effort with Dalinar, leaving Shallan to get embroiled with the Ghostbloods and Adolin. This would have left small amounts of time to see them working together on their scholarship, whilst also giving Shallan room to grow. Using ‘kill the mentor’ AND having Jasnah return from the ‘dead’ felt cheap the first time around (nevermind this one!) whilst achieving very little that couldn’t have been done in other ways.

Overall, I just think Sanderson overplays Shallan’s competence in this book. She’s still a 17/18 year old girl and he’s overdoing it with her abilities that aren’t related to her Radiant powers. The discoveries she makes don’t live up to her reality of character and I find it irritating.

I’ve said a lot that is negative about Shallan - I do get more positive after this book, so that’s something I guess? Nevertheless, I do want to say one thing I really love about Shallan and this book is her backstory. Apart from Dalinar, Shallan has the best backstory out of the main characters we’ve seen so far. The abuse from her father, casual cruelty and neglect within her family, and Shallan’s own darkness is fascinating to read about - if slightly distressing. I don’t have much to say about it as a whole because I think it’s very effective in adding a darker layer into Shallan’s character, as well as being a much more interesting story than Kaladin’s was in The Way of Kings.

Sanderson hasn’t quite mastered the interweaving of the flashbacks into the main storyline in Words of Radiance, then again Oathbringer was exceptionally good in comparison to all the other books for this aspect. However, the Words of Radiance flashbacks are a marked improvement and made for a great way to deepen Shallan’s character past the hints we’d seen in her chapters in the first book. I think it’s a very believable backstory. It’s probably the backstory that’s having the most ‘present day’ impact on the character in question (again Dalinar is a close second but Sanderson dropped the ball with his character growth in Rhythm of War.) Shallan’s past is fabulous and well utilised by Sanderson to make her grow - and I did want to say something positive about Shallan because, despite not liking her, I do think she is a very well written character.

Pattern - I want to say that, despite my apparent vendetta against Shallan, I REALLY love Pattern! He’s so annoyingly sweet, sincere, and genuine! Actually he reminds me a lot of one of my dogs, which might be a contributing factor to my enjoyment of him? Either way Pattern is one of the best spren characters we’ve met so far - he’s amazing!

Dalinar - I’m mainly here to complain there isn’t enough Dalinar in this book and I miss him… I understand why he isn’t as present in Words of Radiance as he is in The Way of Kings and Oathbringer. However, I do think the absence of both Dalinar and Jasnah - my two “problematic faves”, plus Kaladin feeling very off for most of this book, contributes to why I don’t like it very much. Their loss leaves a big hole for my personal enjoyment and attachment, especially on rereads. It’s a very personal problem and comes down to who you read the series for (and whether you like Shallan or not.)

Although, when we get one of the few Dalinar chapters I am ecstatic because they’re all particularly punchy in this book! Chapter 67 - Spit and Bile - when Wit and Dalinar discuss his nature as a ‘benevolent tyrant’ is one of my favourites in the whole series. It’s a real moment of character realisation for Dalinar and gives us some FANTASTIC food for thought before we get to the shocking revelations of Oathbringer.

Kaladin and Shallan, Class Status, and the Boots Scene

Okay, it’s time to address the elephant in the room – Sanderson dropping the ball on his discussion of class conflict. I loved Sanderson’s introduction of class conflict, it’s something I’m particularly interested in as a British person. However, he handles this theme badly in Words of Radiance and drops it completely in Oathbringer, and it was almost a deal breaker for me on this reread. I’m genuinely upset about it.

So, a lot of Kaladin’s arc in this book is centred around him learning to look past his (valid) anger over what was done to him by the lighteyes, and specifically Amaram. Of course, this can’t really be resolved in one book, and I do hope Sanderson listens to the very vocal criticism around his “resolving” of Kaladin’s anger by pressing Kaladin into siding with his oppressors without uncritically examining his choices in books 3 and 4 (as well as making him a de facto lighteyes himself). However, in Words of Radiance Kaladin is very much giving into his anger now he has the opportunity to live, rather than just survive, and Sanderson uses a lot of his interactions with Dalinar, Adolin, and Shallan to show him ‘not all lighteyes are bad’.

I do have issues with the way Sanderson handles this with Adolin and Dalinar - maybe Dalinar not so much because his character has A LOT of other issues going on and his interactions with Kaladin are very much structured by their positions in the army. Their relationship remains largely professional, especially in this book, and Kaladin is shown to trust and respect Dalinar and vice versa. Not to mention that Dalinar is actually prepared to listen to Kaladin’s version of events and do his best to get justice for Kaladin against Amaram - it’s just not an easy situation to prove or resolve, and it can’t be done in the way Kaladin wants.

As an aside for the rest of the series - I do have issues with Kaladin’s long term idolisation of Dalinar as a leader and ‘noble’ lighteyes. We haven’t really seen Kaladin’s reaction to the revelations from Oathbringer (the in-world version) which I do think would change the dynamic between them. After all, the revelations about Dalinar show him to be worse than Amaram in many respects! Kaladin should have a reaction to the morality around Dalinar’s actions in the past, even if he is trying to change, and not just continue as they did before. Although, this issue ties into the larger problems with the series structure and how Sanderson keeps all but dropping Dalinar’s character growth in every other book - we need to address the consequences for revealing his past to the world, particularly with his family and political allies, not just sweep them under the carpet as we did in Rhythm of War!

In contrast to Kaladin’s relationship with Dalinar, he and Adolin are on a slightly more (although not completely) equal level, as demonstrated by their bickering, banter, and eventual friendship. Their relationship begins with Adolin’s suspicions about Kaladin, Kaladin’s hatred for lighteyes, and a mutual grudge against each other, but their relationship grows into a very real friendship after the duel sequence. Their relationship is one that has never bothered me because they had that rocky start. They grow into a friendship of equals, their distrust turns into a genuine bond because they learn to trust each other as they prove to each other that they aren’t what they first assumed.

Most importantly, despite the rocky start, neither of them are actively dismissive of the other based on their social status - Adolin never demeens Kaladin for being darkeyed and once Kaladin gets to know Adolin better his hostility towards lighteyes in general vanishes as they established their personal bond. The only moment you can point to Adolin actively dismissing Kaladin due to his social status is in The Way of Kings when he asks him to take a message to someone in the prostitute scene (sorry I’m not looking up the page numbers.) Adolin never shows dislike of anyone because they are darkeyes and definitely does not toy with those of a lesser social status than himself. Yes, I do agree Sanderson could do a better job of using the relationships between Adolin, Kaladin, and Bridge Four to address some of the subconscious biases Adolin holds. But Adolin is never cruel or manipulative to those with less social status.

This brings me to the big reason why I’ve come to loathe Shallan and the key reason I dislike Sanderson’s mishandling of the social class discussion. It’s not even necessarily Shallan herself that I dislike, it’s the way the narrative frames her character and Sanderson’s dismissal of Kaladin’s anger. I could look past most of the problems I’ve raised against Shallan if it wasn’t for the way Sanderson portrayed her in this book. I still don’t think she’d be my favourite character now but I wouldn’t feel the urge to close the book every time I have to read her chapters.

However, Shallan is probably the best example we have in a point of view character of the minor abuses of the lighteyes against anyone of a lower social class than themselves. I’m not talking about the major crimes committed by Sadeas or Amaram where they show a blatant disregard for life, but I am talking about the subtle abuses of those with wealth and rank against those less fortunate.

Throughout the series we see Shallan casually and absentmindedly manipulate, dismiss, and bully darkeyed individuals. She’s not maliciously cruel, but she is casually abusive. She treats people like Kaladin or the slaves she ends up owning as less than herself, especially when she first meets them. I’m not here to say this is Shallan’s fault per se. She has been taught to do so by her society, she’s been indoctrinated into a system that believes those with darkeyes are lesser than herself because the Almighty has deemed it to be this way. It’s an inbuilt, largely unconscious bias formed by the society she was brought up in. I’d actually like this character trait if Sanderson used it to challenge Shallan and make her grow as a character, like pretty much EVERYONE else has to do with aspects of their character!

But Sanderson doesn’t. Shallan is given a free pass for toying with darkeyes or those of a lower dahn than herself and using them to amuse herself, or even for dismissing them. And it’s not just once she does it, it’s a systematic behaviour in this book. Now, I will admit most of the time this behaviour is used against...unsavoury characters - it’s usually people like Tvlakv, a slave trader, who often fall victim to Shallan’s manipulation. As an audience we don’t like Tvlakv and don’t really care if he’s manipulated and pushed around by Shallan because of his earlier treatment of Kaladin. We like Kaladin, we like Shallan, but Tvlakv? Not so much. But her casual dismissal of Tvlakv’s life and livelihood (putting my loathing of slavery aside for the moment) does show Shallan’s contempt of those beneath her in general.

The better case to demonstrate Shallan’s classism is in her scenes with Kaladin. There are two moments I could use to make my point: the infamous “Boots” scene in chapter 28 and the Chasm sequence in Part 4. In both these scenes we see Shallan, in a position of power, dismiss Kaladin - the “Boots” scene is by far the worst of these two, but the later sequence give us a better glimpse into the problems with Sanderson’s framing of Shallan’s and Kaladin’s past traumas. Shallan’s trauma is validated by this scene, but Kaladin’s very justified dislike and anger is dismissed by both Sanderson and Shallan. There is very little, leading up to the Chasm sequence, that suggests Shallan is a nice person to Kaladin and he has a lot of long-term trauma from mistreatment and abuse from lighteyes in general. Kaladin should be allowed to hold onto his resentment to some extent. Instead he is forced to get rid of it because of Sanderson’s inflexible belief that all anger, even righteous anger, is wrong.

I could elaborate on this scene but as this review is now ludicrously long, I’m going to stick to the Boots scene as it is simpler and I don’t really need to summarise the scene because it’s so well. The basics you need are: Shallan uses her gender, social position, and Kaladin’s relative lack of authority to humiliate him in front of his men and con him out of his boots. And it’s played for laughs.

There is a small hint later on that Shallan shouldn’t have done what she did when Kaladin confronts her about the incident outside the meeting of the Highprinces. Yet, a large part of this was Shallan saving face when she realised he is Captain of the Kholins’ guard and could pose a serious threat to her plans if he felt so inclined. She doesn’t express any remorse for her behaviour morally speaking, nor does she think that she shouldn’t mess around with people who can’t fight back. No, she’s remorseful because it’s convenient for her.

The 'Boots' scene isn’t funny. It’s a clear, if childish, display of the sheer amount of power lighteyes have over everyone socially below them. But Sanderson doesn’t depict it in that way. It’s just there as an amusing scene, and to get Shallan and Kaladin off on the wrong foot. Kaladin was just doing his job, grumpily, and didn’t deserve this treatment from Tyn or Shallan. Especially as Shallan very much knows that she ISN’T a conwoman and she really IS Adolin’s betrothed - she doesn’t need to impress Tyn, especially not this close to the Shattered Plains. So, she has little excuse for acting in the way that she did, and she really didn’t need to humiliate Kaladin in front of his men. As the audience, we know Kaladin’s command isn’t going to be affected because of his history with Bridge Four, and we know he can replace his boots. But Shallan doesn’t and it only shows how little she really considers the lives of those below her. It’s just casual cruelty that served no purpose except to entertain her and Tyn.

The fact that Shallan has never really been called out for this by the narrative/Sanderson, only by Kaladin and more socially aware fans, is outrageous. Anyone else would be - and everyone else has similar issues that narrative insists they work on and overcome. Yet Shallan is consistently let off for this behaviour. On the other end of this scene, Kaladin is forced into letting go of his anger and falling into line with the Kholins and other lighteyes, despite being systematically oppressed and mistreated by the lighteyes as a whole. Sanderson doesn’t allow Kaladin his anger and he’s punished for it throughout this book.

I will say that Kaladin isn’t completely in the right here, he did need to learn that not everyone is the embodiment of evil just because they are born into wealth and privilege. However, neither was it okay to dismiss the complex dilemma around Kaladin and class - where he needs to overcome his prejudice against everyone at the top of the social system, because there are good lighteyes, whilst still challenging that system - by making him a lighteyes. This doesn’t solve anything! His anger is valid and righteous. The Vorin social system does need a complete overhaul and Kaladin should be allowed to take the helm for that social movement - even if this arc isn’t at the forefront of the series (you know because we’re all slightly busy saving the world!)

Sanderson shouldn’t keep allowing Shallan a free pass for deeply rooted and problematic behaviours and attitudes. It doesn’t need to be a major point of discussion, especially as the series has evolved and everyone is more concerned with staying alive. However, this is a huge series, there is space in it to address this issue every now and again in the background of the novel, particularly in non-combative plotlines. It would also help to change the perspective in moments like the “Boots” scene. Rather than showing these as just funny moments, take the time to show that they are symptoms of a serious problem in Vorin society and demonstrations of the casual abuses of power lighteyes can get away with on a daily basis.

At the end of the day, Kaladin is going to be fine - and he does drive me nuts with the huge chip on his shoulder that he has throughout Words of Radiance. His only real consequence from this scene is wounded pride, he’ll recover. However, Shallan shouldn’t be let off the hook for it either and Sanderson does need to pick up this plotline on the abuse of power and class in the series. He introduced a serious discussion on the dangers of a class-based society and it’s a shame (and irresponsible) to just drop it now.

Conclusion

So I think we can all agree I don’t like a lot of this book. I’m in the minority here. There are some fantastic moments throughout Words of Radiance, but as a whole I struggle when rereading this particular entry into The Stormlight Archive. Sanderson drops the ball on one too many issues, and I really dislike Shallan here. I do get on with her slightly more in later novels - well in Rhythm of War - however, having such a heavy focus on her here makes it a slog for me to read.

Still, onward and upwards! Oathbringer is (probably) my favourite book in the whole series, although I’ve only read RoW once so that might change when I finish this reread. Hopefully I’ll have a lot more positive things to say in my next review - and I finally get to make my speech on why I love Dalinar and his backstory!

#words of radiance #brandon sanderson #stormlight archive #cosmere #book review #kaladin stormblessed #dalinar kholin #moash #pattern #not tagging a certain character because last time i had really nasty comments #i still really love this series #just not this book #fabulous sanderlanches here though #the stormlight archive

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dusksmote · 3 years

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Please feel free to talk about anything relating to your fics impromptu! If there are things you want to explain further we would all love to hear it <3

TIME TO TALK ABOUT KENRIETTA

-some spoilers ahead???-

this is an interesting one, because in the vein of kink/fetish/preference, kenny at times comes off like he’s only interested in kenrietta physically. i think part of this is the fandom trope of kenny being a horndog, there’s not an expectation for him to need a deeper reason to be interested in someone other than as a sex object, and in ETL he never alludes to any romantic feelings toward her. they’re on and off fuck buddies, and that’s it. in ETL chapter 4 kenny mentions he has plans to actually woo her, but it’s kind of ambiguous as to whether it’s just a hookup or more.

WTSAU is where shit gets complicated. kenny’s still playing it off like his feelings for her are surface level, but he’s making a pretty big effort to step it up. he’s asked her on a legitimate date and she rejects him. this goes back to an earlier ask i answered where before stan and kyle got together kenny never felt like a third wheel with cartman and butters because they’re not openly romantic. he’s already kind of a part of their pack. after stan and kyle start dating though kenny realizes he’s the odd man out and he wants what stan and kyle have.

i think this is why everyone is kind of surprised he’s so affected by henrie ghosting him in chapter 4, they still expect this to be him looking for sex. kenny’s a complicated guy, and he wants emotional closeness too. that’s what he’s trying to say in chapter 6 when butters asks him if henrietta is really that special to him. he wants to see what a real intimate connection is like but henrietta spurns his advances for reasons unknown to him.

fun fact: kenny and henrietta’s relationship is symbolized in cigarettes. kenny starts smoking them in ETL explicitly to attract her, and ends up getting hooked on them. even after she dumps him he’s still smoking. when he goes cold turkey but fails and says “guess i’m just not over it” it’s also showing how he’s still not over her.

so, when i originally wrote WTSAU, my intentions were kenrietta endgame. actually, i didn’t really know what the fuck i was doing, but in chapter 1 i needed something for kenny to talk about while stan was cloud gazing on the truck, and henrietta fit the bill. when i say i wrote this fic without knowing what the plot was i wasn’t lying 😂 the scene in chapter 2 at shakey’s had nothing to do with kenny wooing henrietta until i wrote the KFC scene in chapter 4. i had no fucking idea what the point of the KFC scene was when i wrote it except that i needed stan and kyle to get away from schwartz, then went back and changed the shakey’s scene to make it into one cohesive B plot. THEN i went back to chapter 1 and finished the cafeteria scene where kenny is like “are you all getting laid?!?”

you can see how originally the fic was just gonna be the style main plot and this bunnyman/kenrietta thing kind of came out of left field. originally there was no scene of cartman giving kenny a bath, there was no scene of butters asking the guys to help with kenny’s birthday, there was no scene of the goth kids in henrietta’s room (i actually wrote that one like last month LMAO). by the point i was writing the end of chapter 6 i fully intended on kenny and henrietta coming back together in the end--but i realized it totally went against the moral of the story.

WTSAU, ultimately, is about three things: perceptions, hiding, and shame. the perceptions other people have about physical appearance and relationships. the way people put up false fronts of who they are, or in stan and kyle’s case, how they refuse to. and the shame you’re expected to feel about both. i know the story focuses a lot on kyle, but i actually consider stan to be the leading character because everything centers around him and the expectation to feel ashamed for being with kyle. they’re dealing with these negative perceptions of their relationship, they have to hide that they’re together, and the refusal to feel shame.

the B plot also deals with these themes. henrietta for sure has issues with perception and fronting. she refuses to date kenny because her friends don’t approve, but she also still expects kenny to simp for her. oddly enough, this is kind of a reverse of the phenomenon where thin men enjoy having sex with fat women but won’t date them because they’re ashamed of being seen with them. so i sat myself down and was like, i’ve dedicated all this time to kenny but henrietta hasn’t gotten any screentime. am i gonna say she learned her lesson off screen and have a change of heart? should kenny even take her back at that point? the ending i had planned out felt disingenuous. stan and kyle are fighting for their relationship but then henrietta just comes back at the end like “i changed my mind” and kenny lets her walk all over him again?

so i decided i had to change it.

also i had this epitome where butters tries to cheer kenny up by giving him a blowjob and i wrote the entire final scene of chapter 6 in like 30 minutes 😂

so no spoilers, but keep what i’ve said in mind going forward. henrietta’s not the only one who’s vexed by fronting and shame ;^)

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buckevantommy · 3 years

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did you know that characters can be canonically queer without a kiss on-screen or a word spoken to "prove" it?? cool right?? that being said i think we're all 100% done with TPTB "leaving it open to interpretation" just so they can get away with slinging some heteronormative bs our way like NO EXCUSE YOU they need to stop undoing years worth of narrative when the finale comes along just so they can pad their bottom line i mean networks and production companies keep screwing over queer characters and queer viewers in the name of "conservatism" but actual fans of these shows and movies anyone who's actually emotionally invested in them are severely disappointed when the story is disrespected in favor of TPTB choosing a fat bonus over concise and cohesive storytelling and we're not just upset because any semblance of queerness suddenly gets swept under the rug but because by sweeping said queerness under the rug the resulting narrative makes little to no f*cking sense like they were so desperate to steer clear of an actual "open to interpretation" ending that they did a 180 on character development and cut ties between shipped characters who shared a significant bond and shoehorned in some dumb af plot twist and then they go about spending their hoards of cash thinking the audience doesn't see right through their manipulation and are enraged af?? like we just suddenly forget years and years worth of amazing storytelling because Oh It's Over Now I Guess We Just Have To Accept It like-- NO!! NO WE DO NOT!! is it not painfully obvious by now that the people futzing with these stories have no right to be anywhere near a creative decision?? are we ever going to see TPTB held responsible and moreover not be allowed to screw with narratives like this in the future because the world is changing for the better and they're the ones pathetically holding onto these ignorant af exlusionist ideals from an outdated fucked up societal mindset??

#queer characters #lgbtqia #heteronormative #thoughts #representation matters #diversity matters #fuck TPTB #spn #endgame #salty on main

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smokeybrandreviews · 4 years

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The Tragedy of Rey Palpatine

I really, really, like Rey Skywalker, in concept. I think she could have been an amazing character and the perfect torch-bearer for the mythos going forward. After The Force Awakens, i was all in with this new trio of characters. Say what you will about Abrams, dude knows how to build a character. He knows how to write a story and Rey’s began wonderfully. She had all of the potential to be held in the same esteem as Mara Jade, Leia Organa, and Ahsoka Tano. Hell, Disney even introduced Chelli Aphra in the Vader comics, another brilliant, female character of Asian descent. Each of these characters were fleshed out, nuanced, and felt real. There is a humanity to them and, i imagine that’s where Abrams wanted to take Rey. Then The Last Jedi happened and ruined almost everything. I think it did a great service for Kylo Ren, overall, but everything else got a big fat Rian Johnson/Kathleen Kennedy sh*t all over it.

Abrams set up a ton of intriguing plots to explore going forward. The hints that Finn may be Force sensitive, the mystery of how Mas got a hold of Anakin’s lightsaber after Vader cut Luke’s hand off in Empire, who the f*ck was Snoke; All threads that could have been elaborated upon to embellish the new characters and give an opportunity to pass the torch on with the new characters. More than anything, the enigma of Rey Skywalker could have driven this trilogy of films in a direction for the ages. The seeds were there for greatness. Why did she hear Obi Wan in that flashback? Why was she spared by the Knights of Ren? Why did Ren know exactly what girl that trooper reported about? The only answer we got was that Rey was the spawn of a Palpatine clone and it was stupid.That reveal was the dumbest sh*t in Rise of Skywalker and there was a lot of dumb sh*t in that movie. Rise spent way too much time apologizing for what Last Jedi did to the mythos and had literally no time to fix the characters going forward. That’s how bad Kathleen Kennedy let Rian Johnson f*ck up.

I like the Last Jedi as a space opera. Hell, i even like it as a Star Wars side story in the vein of Solo or Rogue One. If those events happened in between VII and VIII, cool. But to be a mainline entry? Are you kidding? It just gets so much wrong about the overall lore while simultaneously sabotaging all of the character development and good will fostered by it’s predecessor. The level of f*ckery in The Last Jedi is ind of amazing. At it’s core, The Last Jedi s a fanfic, filled with OC characters, trying to “subvert” expectation to be more than it can or has any right to be. Rian Johnson wanted to make his movie, mythos be damned. Trilogy be damned. Kathleen Kennedy was okay with all of that as long as Johnson pushed her agenda and virtue signaled for all the “Girl Bosses” out there, which he did. The end result was a usual cool, collected, Resistance Ace, Poe Dameron, literally committing treason. We got a regression in the character of Finn, a former Stormtrooper turned rebel scum, a traitor to the First Order who literally got into a lightsaber duel with Vader’s grandson to protect his maybe-love interest, try to runaway like a f*cking coward, only to be tasered into a drooling mess by Rian Johnson’s Jar Jar binx. And the sh*t they did to Luke? That mess is criminal and an entire essay for another time. The Last Jedi f*cked everything up, forcing Abrams to course correct for two and half hours. This sh*t killed any momentum the Disney films had, it killed any semblance of a cohesive narrative going forward, and, worst of all, it murdered any semblance of Rey being more than a poorly written Mary-sue.

These new trilogies had every opportunity to be great. If they had someone with a reverence, a respect, for the source material helming Lucasfilm, they would have been. Look what Filoni has done with The Clone Wars and Rebels. Look what Favreau is doing with Mando. This might be a little glib but, considering Disney is bringing him in for a Star Wars trilogy on their own, look what Feige has done with the MCU? Hell, all things Marvel at this point. When you focus on dope stories and compelling characters, the narrative takes care of itself. When you focus on agenda and pushing divisive material, you can’t help but destroy what you hope to build. Kennedy is letting her ego cut her off at the knees when, if she just reined that sh*t in a bit, she could have been standing tall and walking into the future with her OCs intact. Instead, she has people in her own organization apologizing for her f*ck ups as the value of the legacy property you were gifted, tanks at a hilariously exponential rate. So how do we fix Rey and, effectively fix this entire trilogy?

First off, she needs to be a Skywalker. That is an absolute necessity. I would make her Luke’s kid. That would explain away her proficiency with the Force, the fact she pilots like a champ, and has that hole Force Dyad bullsh*t with Ren, like her dad and aunt kind of have. Rey would be an organic growth of the Skywalker legacy while simultaneously bringing a refreshing conclusion to it with Episode IX. I would build the familial relationship between Kylo and Rey, one representing either side of the Force, both fighting to discover something about themselves within, over the course of this trilogy. I would have made Rey Luke’s kid; A proper Skywalker. I would have made her mother Mara Jade, opening up a whole situation that could have been embellished into at least two spin-off tales with a ton of ramifications going forward. I mean, imagine a story where Luke had to fight off the Knights of Ren AND his nephew before Ben donned the mask, as his pregnant wife ran off into space to avoid the overall destruction of the New Jedi Order. That sh*t writes itself.

You get a side story of Mara Jade and a young Rey on the run, being chased by the Knights over the years, until she leaves Rey on Jakku, ultimately meeting her fate in a last stand battle, like her nephew, at the hands of several Knights on some nameless planet. Or Tatooine, i dunno. That’s an entire film. That’s a brand new, female lead you can explore. It’s organic. It homages the lore. It’s respectful of the overall mythos. It’s literally better than anything Disney has done with the mainline titles so far. Hell, you can even explore how Luke met Mara. Maybe she was one of the reformed Knights. Maybe she was one of the surviving Force Sensitives after Order 66. Maybe she used to be an Inquisitor but turned on Paps once Vader saw the light. Personally, i would skew more toward her being a former Inquisitor, seeking out Luke for revenge but, upon finding him, falls in love after several clashes. That gives Mara depth and allows for her to grow over a novel or two. Maybe a stand alone film. Luke would self-exile after losing to Ren but not because of the L, more because he thinks his wife and unborn kid are long dead. He’s heartbroken and knows he isn’t strong enough to fell his own nephew so Luke runs away. He goes into exile, like Yoda and Obi Wan before him, all the way to Ahch-to, searching for some killer app to finish Snoke before he can really get started. Imagine how much emotional resonance the ending of Episode VII could of held, going this route. Luke staring at Rey with such apprehension and regret. He immediately knows this is his daughter. That she's live. That she's here to ask him to do what he can't.

You'd spend the a good chunk of Episode VIII building that relationship. Showing Luke being cold and stand-offish because he knows Rey is his kid and he regrets his choice to run. He knows that Mara survived for years without him, probably dogged by First Order assassins. That the woman he loved, died alone after abandoning her child to strangers on a backwater planet somewhere in the galaxy. He knows this adult woman standing before him, is his and Mara’s living legacy and he doesn’t want her anywhere near the conflict to come. She’s demanding to be trained. He’s dismissive and curt, until the Dyad with Ren kicks in. Just being on the Force rich planet of Ahch-to increases Rey’s sensitivity, allowing Snoke to tether her to her cousin. When she goes straight to the dark, that’s Ren’s influence. When she cracks the rock and wigs Luke out, that’s Ren’s influence. In order to combat that growing corruption, Luke decides to train Rey to combat the dark. We actually show look acting like a master, teaching Rey sh*t instead of just, you know, “go cut that rock”. We show her learning from Luke, growing in confidence with her abilities. This entire sequence can take the place of literally all of the Canto Bight nonsense. No one liked any of that and it kills the momentum of the entire narrative going forward. Replace it with Rey actually being trained and you not only give her an opportunity for much needed character development, but you give Luke so much more of an arc and a means to have him bow out with substantial grace. If you decide to go the “Luke Dies at the end” route. Personally, i would have nixed Leia in VIII considering things and moved forward with Luke as the survivor but that's another story. I'd have to rework all of VIII and I don't feel like doing that right now. Leia’s death would devastate Ren, flooding him with a boost in the Dark Side, enough to slay Snoke and raise him to Supreme Leader without the need of Rey’s help. This would lead into a version of Colin Trevorrow’s version of Episode IX, which i think is a superior narrative overall but we’ll get there when we get there. Maybe.

The climax of the Last Jedi could be exactly the same but now it has so much more depth. It has so much more resonance for the trilogy going forward. Luke’s sacrifice would mean something as we watched him slowly come to terms with his daughter being the hope going forward, effectively replacing him in the narrative. Most fans would be okay with this as, even though he never tells Rey he’s her father outright, the audience kind of knows. It’s hinted at. The reveal can come in IX somehow or in his last regards to Leia. He apologizes for Kylo but reassures her that, even if he passes, her niece will carry on the fight. Luke tells Leia of Rey's parontagem she says “I know” like her husband, and promises to continue Rey's training to best of her abilities. Kylo gets his shadows chase. Luke’s last words have so much more impact. We have an emotional investment in Rey because the torch had been properly passed. I, personally, would rework the majority of the plot while i’m at it. I’d fix Poe, continue exploring Finn and his connection to the force, and find a way to make Rose Tico relevant without being trite. I mean, you can have the Canto Bight stuff but draw it back considerably. It doesn’t need to be an entire third of the whole f*cking movie.

I like the character of Amilyn Holdo, too, but her arc was stifled by nonsense politics and shallow development. All of that mediocrity kind of made her an easy target to hate, a lot like Rose. In my story, she’d still take the helm from Leia in Last Jedi but would have had an appearance in Force Awakens. She didn’t need to have a ton of facetime, maybe a shout out at the round table toward the end of VII or getting off the ship at Mas’ bar with Leia. Hell, a f*cking holo transmission would be enough of a mention, Holdo just needed a presence in that movie to be legitimized for the next. Rose was fine as is, she just needs more agency and not that bullsh*t, half-assed, love triangle that was literally dropped like a hot track on Soundcloud in the middle of a chase movie. That sh*t was stupid and it doomed Rose before she had a chance to even get started.

Episode IX would start like Rise, Kylo slaughtering his way toward the wayfinder, but revealing that planet was Mustafar instead of whatever planet he was on originally. Ren has been planetside for weeks, searching for the wayfinder dealy and the planets dark side alignment is taking it's toll on him. The mcguffin is deep in the wreckage of Vader's demolished castle, the deep subdivision and what not. Kylo makes his way to it, fighting dark side shades of his grandfather in Anakin form, goading him about his weakness, feeding into Ren's inadequacies about being weaker than his pap-pap. Kylo finds the mcguffin and takes off toward the Outer reaches in an effort to unlock more power. After the climax to VIII, Rey returns to Ahck-to to find Luke gone and the growing pull to the dark within her as the Dyad is wide open and Ren's spiral is pulling Rey along toward the drain, too. She feels him getting closer to full Sith, all of that pain and rage, multiplied considerably by his anger toward his grandfather's shades. Kylo basically flies to the outer reaches to find a Lost sage of the Darkside. It's not a Jedi or a Sith, but a being that thrives in the Dark, like whatever Maul is, but gigantic and monstrous. He learns from that creature, all the while leaving Hux to command the Last Order in his stead, second by General Pryde. The two of these cats have a battle for power, Pryde suspecting Hux of being a traitor, Hux trying to stave of attempts for his seat at the head, all the while pounding the Rebels as they continue to fight. The Knights of Ren are off, clashing with Finn, Poe, Chewie, and Rose as they search for another means to find a way to Rey, as she has the map and R2 with her on Ahck-to where she is training for the final battle. The majority of the film continues to follow the basic plot of IX, mcguffin chasing and what not, with Finn, finally adept enough in the force, to adequately take Rey’s place in those narrative spots.

We have the whole montage of training on both worlds; Force ghost Luke showing Rey more advanced techniques and Ren taking on a full-on, Vader shade, like Luke, in the Outer Regions or whatever. Eventually, the remaining main characters decide to split up as the pressure of the Last Order continues to deplete their resources. Finn fixes Anakin’s lightsaber and begins to train with it under the tutelage of Mas, who is all in with the Rebels now, as they go after the other mcgiffin on Endor. He still meets the other former stormtroopers or whatever and they still help in the final battle but, instead of Rey and Kylo, it Finn and a few Knights of Ren. Maybe two, I dunno. Anyway, he beats them with Anakin's saber, gets the mcgissin and returns to the Rebel base, stormtrooper backup in hand. Poe and Lando try to drum up support for a final strike on the Last Order’s base and you get that whole shtick with Keri Russell's character. I'd take her helmet off, too. Why the f*ck would you hide Keri's face? Shes adorable! Finn and Lando try their best, but it seems like a no-go so Lando stays to work his magic as he and Chewie return to the Rebel planet. Rose can return to the Rebel planet and take charge of strategy or whatever as Leia secludes herself within the base. I dunno. Rose is kind of hard to place because she has no discernible talents but I imagine anything is better than what they did to her originally. Anyway, Rey is able to develop enough self-control to force the Dyad closed, cutting Ren's influence off from her but, at the same time, her influence off from Ren, completely. That's gonna have big ramifications later.

Around the end of the second act, Ren sees a force projection from his mother pleading with him to turn back to the light but he waves her off. Like her brother, Leia uses the last of her strength in this effort and she dies, pushing Ren over the edge, forcing him into full Sith. Since Rey closed the Dyad, Ren has no semblance of Light to keep the Dark at bay and he just absorbs SO much of it. It multiplies his strength in the Force and Ren is able to slay the Dark Sage, take it's power, and return to his fleet. Sh*t, the sage might be an actual Sith, Like, the people Sith and Ren kills him, effectively exterminated the race. Yeah, I like that. I like that a lot. Anyway, Ren arrives to find Hux is the traitor so he allows Pryde to kill him. Pryde takes command and they raise their newly constructed, massive, fleet along with a brand new flag ship. Mobile, lightspeed ready, and far more deadly than any planet cannon, Ren is ready to begin his march of devastation. Our heroes arrive on the First Order hideaway and the battle ensues. Finn boards the flagship, clashing with the remaining Knights of Ren, his hit squad of former Stormtroopers at his side, as Rose uses her tech skills to drop the shields or whatever they were doing with horses on that spaceship at he end of IX. Rey arrives on the planet, Ren sensing her returns to the surface, to face off with each other. Ren is brimming with the dark, Rey knows he;s too far gone to save and she resolved to do what is necessary to end his tyranny. She ignites Lukes green lightsber, which upsets Ren and then Leia's yellow saber, which sends Ren into a legit rage. Yeah, Rey dual-wields now because it's cool. Poe does his whole lone ranger whatever as he's the last of the vanguard and sh*t. All is lost.

The reinforcements show up in the nick of time and sh*t happens. Big ass sky battle with spaceships and explosions and sh*t, while Finn, Rose, and that black chick accomplish their task on the flagship. Shields dow, sh*t stats blowing up, fun times. Rey gets wrecked by Kylo, who is all the way Dark, no redemption, yellow rage eyes and everything. She’s getting dumped on until she forces the dyad open, allowing Ren to see the Force ghosts of Jedi Masters of old, as they all appear behind Rey, including Leia, Luke, and Mara Jade. They speak that bullsh*t, lay hands on Rei's lightsabers giving her a jump in power, and Rey defeats Ren in a harrowing duel. It has to end in a lightsaber clash. How can it not? Finn wrecks the remaining Knights and the flagship falls as the Rebel fleet overcomes the last of the Last Order. Ren is defeated, dying slowly, lamenting his choices. In his last moments, as the Force ghosts fade, the last few left are his mother, uncle, and grandpa. The last thing Ben sees as he dies is the face of the man he’s chased for so long. Poetic. Tragic. Requisite celebration on a jungle planet ensues while Rey is off, giving Ben a proper Jedi bonfire. Finn approaches, objecting to the respect shown, but she tells him that, in the end, Ren was still a Skywalker. If Vader can be forgiven, so could Ben. The two watch as the flames rise into the night sky. We get a scene of a shadow tracing the insides of Uncle Owen’s joint on Tatooine, generators firing on, mechanics coming to life. Rey is seen, all by her lonesome, igniting her new, personal, lightsabers; Gold, I guess? Is that what color they were supposed to be? A young kid arrives, inquiring about why the old Lars place is lit up for the first time in decades. He asks her name. She hesitates, looking over her shoulder to see the force ghosts of Anakin, Leia, Luke, Mara, and Ben; Her entire family. She gives a knowing smile and answers, “Rey. Rey Skywalker.”

This is just a rough outline of how i would have written this trilogy. I might embellish a little bit, maybe write it up as a proper fan fiction, but i don’t know. There’s a lot to unpack and i don’t really want to spend the time actually fleshing out this narrative but, i believe this is far superior to anything Disney has done. It fixes Rey, sets up Ren as a actual antagonistic force, kills anything resembling a Reylo romance, returns agency to Finn and Poe, fixes Rose, makes Mas a factor, and wraps everything up nicely. You get answers to the questions from before, the Knights of Ren have a presence throughout the entirety of the trilogy, and even divisive characters like Holdo get a shot at relevance outside of agenda. More than anything Rey being a Skywalker feels earned. It feels organic. It feels right. This is the bookend the Skywalker story deserved, not the rushed, politic laden, ego trip we got.

#Star Wars #The Rise of Skywalker #The Last Jedi #The Force Awakens #Rey Palpatine #Rey Skywalker

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mithrilwren · 4 years

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Movie breakdown number 2 of the day! I just saw Cats! I really enjoyed it! Let’s go!

Ok, so like, I don’t really know how to structure this, so I’m just going to go song by song and bookend it by general thoughts!

Overall, the uncanny valley I was expecting got pretty bearable within the first few minutes. The tail twitches got me at first, but I ended up really liking what they did with the CGI portions of the costumes, particularly the emotive ears (especially on Victoria, who just wins for emotiveness overall). I think the reason it feels strange in the first scene in particular is that we’re still in a relatively... tame setting? Like, we see Victoria flung from a bag into a regular old street, and so we haven’t got that heightened sense of reality yet, the kind that really kicks off as soon as we jump into The Old Gumbie Cat and things get real wack-a-doodle. The film’s commitment to outrageous sets and acting and choreography and ridiculousness really works with the CGI - I don’t think you could do one without the other. Like @paladinical said, you’ve just got to buy in.

Alright, to the songs!

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats - I did not expect to get drawn in so quickly, but as soon as the first strains of this song hit, I was flung backwards in time to being seven and watching the Cats stage movie for the first time. I must confess, I got chills at the line “Do you know how to get to the Heavyside Layer?” It was also pretty clear to me from this song that they actually hired very talented singers, whose vocal quality doesn’t feel out of place in this sort of broadway production (more on that later). Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED Tom Hooper’s Les Mis with all my heart, but if I could name one weakness about that film, it was a lack of vocal cohesion. The actors might have been alright singers in their own right, but they certainly didn’t have tone qualities that blended together nicely (with the exception of Les Amis, who not coincidentally, I think, were primarly made up of theatre actors). I was really impressed with how well everyone matched here. This is also the first time we get to see ‘main cat dude’ (apparently his name is... Munkustrap????? idk man I don’t remember them mentioning his name). That character has to be able to carry the entire structure of the musical on charisma alone, and man does this actor deliver. Instantly engaging, might be my favourite voice of the whole cast. Definitely a good choice for the part.

Naming of the Cats - creepy, just as it should be. I was already really happy here with what they chose to do re. Victoria as POV character. Getting to see her reactions - fear morphing into delight - really helps bring the audience along on the journey.

The Old Gumbie Cat - I always find it unfortunate that this is the first big cat song of the musical, because I (personally) find it the least interesting of the whole bunch - I never cared for it in the movie version either. And this is where I come back to vocal cohesion from above - I like Rebel Wilson well enough as an actor, but I found her the weakest vocalist of the movie. Comparatively, her singing sounded thin, and surprisingly pitchy in parts, and I was a little worried going out of this song that that’s what I’d have to expect from the rest of the famous contingent of the cast. Luckily, that turned out not to be true, but it couldn’t rescue this song for me.

The Rum Tum Tugger - Fun fact, the first time I was ever called a bitch in my memory, it was for telling a girl in high school that Jason DeRulo just Wasn’t That Good. (In hindsight, I deserved it - I was kind of being a dick about it.) Anyways, I actually loved him here! I found his Rum Tum Tugger a little more endearing than the stage film - I got the sense that the other cats weren’t so much swooning/orgasming over him, as just humouring his antics, like any good friends would. He had a really pleasant sound, and his dance movies were great. I also just really enjoyed seeing him in the background of other scenes. That’s another overall comment, I liked how the cast so much felt like a CAST, rather than a bunch of individual actors here to sing their big parts and be done. You got to see these big names playing background in other peoples’ scenes! That was cool!

Gonna skip over Memory for now

Grizabella the Glamour Cat - Not too much to say on this one, other than it was interesting that this film actually gave the rest of the cats a reason to hate her, other than her being ugly and old. She joined with Macavity! Though they must have had a falling out. I do love Victoria as the newcomer, and the bridge who is able to see Grizabella with fresh eyes.

Bustapher Jones - I actually quite like this song, and thought it started strong. Maybe this is just my prior expectations creeping in, but I always liked the idea of Bustapher Jones as this legitimately dignified, if a little stuffy, cat, that the others respect and only affectionately rib at. I’m not sure how I feel about his transformation to absolute buffoonery here - no, that’s a lie. I didn’t like it. I wish they hadn’t gone for the cheap ‘oh he’s fat’ laughs. I think they could have done something more clever with it. _shruggie_

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer - I confess, the first part of this song threw me, because it sounded so different to what I remembered. I actually listened to the original soundtrack version on the bus ride home, and was doubly confused to find the two matched pretty well. Finally, I watched the stage movie version, and I saw what the disconnect was. The stage movie had, at least from what I could tell, a fair bit more syncopation, and both the OST and this movie kept the meter straight, which made the two sound slightly less off-kilter than I was expecting. That being said, once I got past the difference, this might be my favourite scene-by-scene shot of all the cat songs. It was just so much fun. I adore the idea of sweet Victoria having genuine fun making trouble with these two screwballs, who as much as they’re working with Macavity at times, don’t seem to have bad hearts past wanting to make mischief. I was smiling the whole way through.

Old Deuteronomy - Aka the song where I fell asleep the first time I watched this movie. I had forgotten Judi Dench was playing the character! She definitely elevated the part for me - solemn but playful, and affectionate in a way that makes me understand why the other cats respect her.

The Jellicle Ball - Man, this choreography was real good. Victoria, again, stands out - her movement quality is just beautiful, so strong and fluid, and charismatic cat dude is back at it again!

Beautiful Ghosts - If we’re going to go back to comparisons between this and Les Mis, I do think this new song fits better into the makeup of the play than Suddenly did there. Victoria has a very sweet voice, and her continually reaching out to Grizabella has to be one of the most emotionally affecting parts of the whole movie. She just wants her to come inside, like she was welcomed inside! It’s so sweet and good!

Gus the Theatre Cat - Speaking of emotionally affecting, Ian McKellan went for it, eh? I didn’t even remember this song existed, but McKellan’s earnestness really shone through and made it something special.

Skimbleshanks - Another song I didn’t remember existing! And will probably forget again come nightfall, but I thought the sound design in the railway tapping sequence was super cool.

Macavity - I didn’t even realize that was Taylor Swift until halfway through the song, so kudos to her! (Another fun fact: I once sang this song for an audition and got totally lambasted by the directors because it apparently shows off nothing about your vocal range or ability. Which, again, fair.) This song is delighfully campy, and it was so fun to finally get to see Macavity out of the shadows. Idris Elba was clearly having fun for this whole film, and I loved watching him be deliciously evil.

Mr. Mistofelees - This is definitely a departure from what I remember from the stage show, which is... nothing. I vaguely remember Mr. Mistofeless sort of being a non-entity in the actual story, as much as I liked his song. They did a better job in this movie of setting him up with an actual presence in other parts of the film, so when we get to this elevated, suddenly-plot-relevant rendition, we actually care about him and want him to succeed.

Memory - I straight up didn’t like this song going in. I’ve never liked it. I found it trite, and boring, and could not comprehend why it was so popular. Congratulations, Jennifer Hudson, for making me start to get it. Mostly, though, the biggest thing that I think made a huge difference in how much more I liked this song here than I have before, is that they made the line “Touch me!” mean something. There’s so much in the language of touch in this film, that’s been firmly established before we get to this song. The cats nuzzle, they dance together, they lie together, they mimic each other. And their refusal to get near Grizabella says so much without needing words. I didn’t shed a tear, but I certainly got emotional when Deuteronomy and Grizabella finally touched foreheads. Acceptance, without words. Really beautiful.

Ok, I think that’s it! Overall, I thought this movie was pretty dang good. I’d put it on again just to watch the choreography. With some minor exceptions, I’d probably listen to the sountrack again too! I think the strongest points for me were definitely the way that the cast of characters felt like an affectionate, cohesive family, and the commitment to the sentimentality of it all. If there’s one thing I can call this film, it’s earnest, and it was so nice to go into something that didn’t reek of cynicism, but of hope, and found family, and second chances.

@paladinical that got a little longer than I anticipated! Hopefully you enjoy my rambling thoughts, haha.

#cats 2019 #yes I unironically enjoyed this more than star wars don't @ me

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smokeybrand · 4 years

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The Tragedy of Rey Palpatine

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erinelezabeth920 · 4 years

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Love in the Time Of

Shame. Is the thing I want to talk about. Love in the time of shame.

I mean I don’t really want to talk about it. I’d really rather not actually, except that I have the sneaking suspicion that I’m not the only one. Not by a long shot. So here we go. Last night I wanted to go to bed by 10pm, so I could get up early and go on a run BEFORE signing into Zoom at 7:45am to lead a yoga meditation class for my friends and family, BEFORE doing some reading of self-help books and solo meditation BEFORE I start trying to do an impossible job from my living room for an unclear number of hours per day with an attention span of basically zero to negative.

When I write this it sounds absurd. I know that. But brains are weird. Especially mine. Remember the anxiety based overfunctioning/ underfunctioning I talked about last time? Overfunctioning much? Anyway, that didn’t happen. We had finished a DnD session with my brother and college roommate, (my character is a rouge-gnome named Huckleberry Shake who has short purple hair, is really good at sneaking and lock picking, and carries a crossbow. I like to imagine a sort of cross between ‘Midsummer's Night Dream’ and Assassin’s Creed’.) Anyway, it was around 9:30 ish pm. It was also Cinco de Mayo, and we had picked up tacos from the neighborhood about a 15 minute drive south with a strong hispanic/ latinx population. The past couple weeks I’ve been referencing that line in ‘Wet Hot American Summer’ where they all pile into the pick up truck to go into town and go batshit crazy. “It always feels good to get away from camp, even for an hour!” Just to drive somewhere to pick up food feels like a crazy adventure these days.

I made us magaritas when I got back; they were bright blue because we had some kind of blue liquor that I can’t remember the name of. After DnD I wanted to watch some TV. I made myself another margarita and some popcorn, which is my quarantine coping crutch. I watched this trashy but great Netflix show about teenagers in North Carolina called Outer Banks. Except the episodes kept ending on cliff hangers (OMG he KILLED HIM?), so I kept watching. I painted my toenails purple, using packing peanuts to space them out. I was kind of proud of myself actually.

It was about midnight when I went to bed. I woke up with a small headache, a result of tequila and salty popcorn and poor quality sleep. I was going to go on a walk/ run and listen to the news. I didn’t. I snoozed the alarm about ten times. It was raining out. I led my yoga class and ate some sourdough toast. And here we are. The light is filtering through the apartment windows, as I sit on the couch in my sweat pants. The crazy thing is, I just feel SO much shame. And guilt. Guilt for having a headache, shame for not waking up early to do all these things I honestly don’t even need to do. I feel shame for not writing more often, shame when I look at the dishes that are dirty. Shame when I don’t go outside to go on a walk, exercise, or when I close my work laptop early to lie on the couch and scroll through my phone. I’ve been trying the past couple weeks to figure out this phenomena that seems to be happening to me, but also to other people I talk to. I feel okay for about 3 days, and then completely collapse. I just can’t do anything, flatline, but there doesn’t really seem to be a direct cause. It’s just like dropping on the roller coaster without warning. I was telling a friend the other day that on weekends, all I do is sleep. Usually I’m a very active person who has an almost clincally hard time sitting still. I haven’t felt like this, I told him, since I worked the hardest jobs in my life- full time wilderness therapy or residential treatment for children with Autism working 12 hour days. I work MAYBE six hours a day these days but probably more like four, broken up by lying on the couch watching documentaries and scrolling on my phone. So why am I SO DAMN EXHAUSTED?

I did some research the other week into chronic stress for a newsletter article I was writing for parents of my elementary school. Chronic stress is different than acute stress, I found, because it has no concrete beginning and end. It’s not like a car crash or a loved one dying. Instead (for those of us with the intense privelage not to be on the front lines- god bless if you are) it’s a constant low hum in the background through news headlines, grocery store lines and crossing the street when another person is coming your direction on the sidewalk. It’s a disruption of normality with no conceivable ending, sending our brains into a low key 24/7 flight or fight mode, draining us with tiny doses of adrenaline and uncertainty that build up over time. It’s not in the forefront, but it’s there in our tight shoulders, exhaustion, inattention, insomnia, short fuses and total lack of motivation. Until we can’t take it any more and crash, seemingly out of nowhere. And then the whole thing starts again.

As Brene Brown says, “We’ve hit our collective weary.” In one podcast episode she interviews a grief expert. He says, we are all grieving right now. Even if we don’t name it, we’re showing the symptoms. But instead of grieving the death of an individual (for most of us), we are grieving the lifestyles we’ve lost (work settings, close contact, friendships, normalcy). And grief exhausts us. BUT, because most of us aren’t experiencing acute grief (ie a loved one dying) we feel shame on TOP of that grief, that we shouldn’t be tired or inept when others have it SO much worse. It’s a meta emotion. Shame layered on grief like a terrible lasagna. How can we be justified in experiencing grief when all we do is sit on the couch and watch Netflix and eat snacks for hours a day? We’re not even in a wartime or something concrete that gives justification and purpose. Instead it’s just a vague, deep sense of disruption of life as we know it. But it’s just as real. I was walking on the beach at the time I listened to the podcast; when he said the words, “We are grieving the loss of the world as we knew it,” the sun was setting over the water. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

A few weeks ago, Andy cut my hair. When the pieces fell to the floor of our friend’s porch and the scissors snipped away larger chunks than I woud have liked, my stomach dropped. I started panicking. I felt like the world was ending. I don’t panic when I read the news, go to the grocery store in a mask, or even read the death toll. But when my hair fell to the ground around me in the gathering twilight, I absolutely lost it. I came home and sobbed. It was the first time I’d cried since the pandemic began, and it’s like it just all came out. I was so angry at Andy, and he felt so bad. I was a shell of a person for twelve hours. I cancelled morning yoga for the first time in six weeks, lamenting everyone would have look at me close up on a screen. I wanted to stay in bed forever, (until we fixed the haircut and it actually looked pretty good). But for a second there I was broken, and it was because of a goddamn haircut. I mean for Christ sakes, people are dying out there. It made me feel so petty and stupid. There’s a global pandemic happening, and I am distraught FROM MY HAIR?!

But that’s how grief works. We can’t look at the thing head on, it’s too much. A death toll is just numbers. Our brains seek to survive, to normalize, to adapt just to get through. So instead the trauma seeps into the corners, slowly creeping into our bodies and collective exhaustion until one little thing causes the world to come crashing down. The straw that breaks the camel’s back. And then we feel overwhelming shame for being so affected by something so little. For me, my lizard brain was honestly convinced I would never be attractive or happy again.

(ALSO to be fair we watched, ‘Little Women’ a few days later. In the movie there’s the scene where Jo cuts all her hair off to give her mother money to travel to their sick father in the war. She’s then pictured crying under the stairwell. “Is it mother?” her sister asks. “No,” she says, “It’s MY HAIR!”. "See?!” I said to Andy.)

The underlying theme here is shame. We’re ashamed of our emotions because they don’t seem justified. Comparative suffering. My suffering isn’t nearly as bad as others, therefore I should not feel this way. I’m ashamed of myself for eating snacks and worried I’m going to gain a bunch of weight. Then I’m ashamed for being ashamed instead of being body positive. I’m ashamed of myself for enjoying an evening with drinks (yes plural), popcorn, painting my toes and watching teenagers who are actually in their twenties look for buried treasure. Honestly, it sounds like a great night. And it was.

I just finished re-reading “The Four Agreements”, the Toltec wisdom book. The first agreement is “Be Impeccable With Your Word.” I assumed from the first time I read it, it meant “always tell the truth”. The reality though, is it means, our words have power. Especially our words about ourselves. Just this morning I entered my enchilada and margaritas from yesterday into my ‘Weight Watchers’ app and felt terrible. I told myself I was fat, lazy and useless. Which seems absurd when I write it out, but that’s the honest to goodness narrative inside my head. Being impeccable with our word means watching what we say to ourselves, because our words create a reality. We create our own cycles of shame.

Even at this moment, typing this, I feel ashamed that this piece of writing is so scattered. My English major brain is mad at me. Get it together Erin. Find a cohesive theme and stick to it. Get emotional, but not too emotional. Tell stories, but not too many stories. But writing at it’s best is vulnerability and transparency; and honestly right now it’s hard to hold on to any one thought for longer than a few seconds. And I’m pretty sure it’s not just me. Little pieces, scattered thoughts, just trying to put the puzzle together. (Oh and don’t even get me STARTED on puzzles... Andy is MUCH better than me at them, and, saving the face of our relationship, let’s just say that is another dangerous straw perched on the camel’s back through only the fault of my own...) Anyway, I think at this point, just find anything that makes you smile. Literally anything. I personally like Brad Leone’s Bon Appetite Youtube channel “It’s Alive.” He makes me laugh so much. The episode with him and Orville Peck making elote almost broke me. Find those things, hold on to them and be kind to yourself. It’s okay to feel less than. Just remember you’re not. We’ve collectively hit weary, the point in the race where you’ve been running for so long, but the finish line is so far away. It’s okay just to go one step at a time.

Paint your toes. Eat your popcorn. Drink your margaritas. Whatever we can do just to survive. One step at a time. You’re not alone.

And that’s love in the time of.

#mental health #coronavirus #quarantine #seattle

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princess--catherine · 4 years

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Maybe y’all will hate me for this, I’m all for women’s rights and the Me Too movement but has it maybe taken a turn it shouldn’t have? I can already feel the hatred

Just in the past couple weeks I’ve seen at least 3 “predators/rapists exposed”, and after looking into it I saw no predatory behavior to expose that was given. And people are losing their shit over this “cancelation?” The evidence for this one? “Had a minor backstage”...you think that didn’t and doesn’t currently happen with idk, every Disney star EVER and boy band on the radio? I’m sure a portion of Billie Eilish fans who’s parents buy backstage passes are REAL young, is she cancelled too? Since when does having a minor in your presence = any type of sexual behavior? This allegation causally mentions “backstage minor” and quickly moves to “predator” with no cohesion there. Since when does an adult simply being around a minor automatically make you guilty of doing sick shit? The “evidence” shown was pretty pathetic: cropped and blocked out texts with no name as to who it’s from, no name but said star predator, no time stamp or date, no pics, no voice memos, no emails, no proof of any kind that there was any truth to the claims, no detail, no real allegation actually even made from what I saw. Unless the “so and so did this” part was in invisible ink. I could literally google the date of a ‘insert famous person here’ concert or general tour dates, and do the same with a texting app or with someone else’s phone. This is an Accusation on someone of a serious sex crime on the sole basis maybe 5 texts, some of which are hidden, and ALL of which are anonymous, detail no criminal activity, are never worth ending or attempting to make sure someone’s career over.

Another one I saw was an explanation that another social media person made a somewhat crude comment/gusture towards a woman he knew but wasn’t super familiar with. One time, no actual touching. He was later told by a friend “not cool, other lady friend did not like”, he did as he should have and apologized, and it didn’t happen again- admittedly on both sides. The two girls told him everything was cool and okay, no harm no foul, don’t worry about it. It didn’t happen again and the friendship continued. Days later, “evidence” comes out from one of them citing him as a sexual predator for this situation. This incident. Yeah, it’s not cool to get in peoples space or compliment them in certain ways if your friendship is not on that level and it hasn’t been established. That I agree with, that it simply wasn’t very polite, but a) no one was actually touched physically in anyway and b) the “crude” comment from my understanding was about an outfit fitting her well or being firm fitting. Yeah, that might make ya feel a lil icky, but there was no sexual suggestion or threat. There’s a huge difference between unwanted attention and sexual harassment. Someone else later gets involved but says she’s “not comfortable/willing to discuss” but still insists he’s a predator but doesn’t show a single shred of any involvement or information. If I was these people being falsely accused, getting death treats and doxxed, and ultimately, “cancelled”/therefore loss of income possibly long term , with basically no evidence or someone saying shit like “yes, that’s a predator. Nobody gets to know why I’m saying that though. I don’t want to relive it, my bad. You horrible people need to stop supporting this sex offender!” I’d be sueing the shit out of someone and everyone for slander. Like this is unreal to me. It really blows my mind.

Before you message me hateful shit, hear me out. I’m not saying these guys are stand up, amazing, perfectly well behaved dudes. I’m not saying they’ve never done anything predatory or wrong before in their lives or careers. Lord knows narcissistic and higher than thou types run entertainment. I’m sure they all got their attitude and behavioral problems. I’m just saying the info I just read and described is almost nothing being real generous, no rational person sees that and labels someone a sex offender. You’re accusing someone of a very serious crime, in a lot of cases a fat ole felony, being a RSO list sometimes for a lifetime. Bill Cosby? Deserve it. Weinstien? Deserve it. Epstein? Deserved to be under the jail. I understand there’s not always physical evidence, or maybe there’s not enough to build a case/a case is unwanted by victim. Some say they want people to know and be warned. If that’s what you truly want, you truly truly are trying to protect others, go in 150%. Everything you got. But when this person publicly and openly calling someone out by name for being a “rapist/sexual predator”, absolutely dragging them thru the mud, and the reasoning, the justification for this is that he was dating other women? nah sis. That’s not how this works, getting played, while scummy, is NOT RAPE/SEXUAL ASSAULT/etc. (*this is excluding things that don’t apply to this particular story like recanting consent or knowingly passing on an STI) So sure, he’s a probably a POS, clearly unloyal, he’s maybe learned the art of sweet talkin his way into this one way monogamous relationship, and I frankly wouldnt feel bad if one of those girls who got played popped 3 of his tires, bought a fuck ton of spiders and sneak them into his bedroom or something. But not jail or prison. What he did (unless other info comes out) isn’t something to be uplifted or encouraged, it’s poor, unfair behavior. But what he did is not CRIMINAL. It’s just shitty and inconsiderate. And I know y’all are reading this thinkin “fuck this bitch”, making assumptions before you read a fraction of what I’m saying.

So let me explain a situation I was accidentally involved in a few years ago with someone who was “famous” around those parts and had lots of fans and groupies. Let’s call him “Lee”. Long story short, a friend and I were with him and different other people basically from like 8-9 pm to around 4 am. He was alone (out of my sight) only 3 times: once to use the bathroom at my friends before leaving, once in the men’s bathroom at a club, and for maybe 5 minutes when I had to change at my friends place before going back over. They lived in the same complex and stuff so it was basically throwing on some sweats and taking an elevator down. We hangout, drink, smoke, talk. Lowkey, chill.

I wake up the next day, someone texted me this link about “Lee” raping a girl. I’m thinking “holy shit, that’s scary and insane, we were just with him last night drinking and shit.” Keep reading...it says it was the night before. Same date we were with him. And the time the assault supposedly took place was when we had come back to his place, where other people were already there, we were sitting there forever talking/whatever, this girl who pointed the finger was not even in the room and left before we did. She poked her head in once and asked where Lee’s roommate was. He told her cookout, it’s late so it’ll be a minute. Asked her if she wanted to hang out with us. She declined. So I figured maybe this info was wrong somehow and at the time I wasn’t making the connection between that girl and this story. I was like, no way a girl would lie about that of all things and especially knowing it’d likely get picked up by the local media, or at least local gossip. Her life here would be over. My friend and I decided to go talk to the police even though I avoid the damn police at all costs. The first thing I asked this officer was: “are you POSITIVE this is the date, place, and time, and are you POSITIVE “Lee” is who she is accusing?” And I asked that mostly because I was not about to defend or vouch for someone about a situation I wasn’t present for. Also, I wasn’t the biggest fan of “Lee”, so I sure as shit I wasn’t getting myself involved and going to bat for him without knowing it’s right. The Officer was very adamant that all that info was correct, victim was very sure. I explained to him everything I explained above, but I’m sure in better detail and included texts, pics, videos all with times, plus receipts showing how this isn’t adding up. He wasn’t alone the entire night and early morning. Officer ask me if she (the victim) was visiting a roommate of Lee’s, if they were sleeping together during her visit, I told him the truth which was that I didn’t really know for sure but it was a possibility. He told me somebody else had claimed she was no longer welcome for unknown reasons and believed this to be be related. I explain to the officer that I won’t speak on her time with the roommate because I saw her only long enough for her to ask a question and respond to another. Before she peeped out the door, I had no clue anyone was in there. I said I think she told me her name but I’m awful with names even sober so. He started getting kinda hostile and cutting me short. I repeated exactly what I told him the first time: I’m only speaking on what I witnessed and what I know to be true. So, if you and she are correctly reciting the time, place, person being accused, this accusation is untrue. He first makes a bitchy threat like “you know these girls who lie for these athlete boys can really get in trouble? They all end up broke after the NFL anyway if they even make it. Lying for a friend is illegal, that’s breaking the law and will get YOU in jail.” I lost all my fear of speaking to a police officer at this point because they KNOW this man did not just call me a liar to my face despite my 1:2 of the evidence already fucking up this accusation. I told him that I honestly wasn’t a fan either professionally or personally of “Lee” and I would lie for no one regardless of friendship or status about this, I’d turn in my own flesh and bloood brother and sing like a bird if I caught him doing any sex offender shit. So again, I told this slow man with 2 braincelle this was the reason I asked about how sure he was and he believed the victim was, on the time, place, person, etc. Officer says something along the lines of “well, something happened to this girl and this boy’s gonna be hurtin for it. Someone’s getting charged here.” Which I dunno bout y’all, maybe I’m reading it wrong. But What I gathered from that is: “I’ve decided to be judge and jury in this situation and moreorless declare this young man guilty despite evidence in front of my own eyeballs that shows that there is a good chance the accused is innocent.

I have no idea why this happened. But after we spoke to that dickhead cop it was dropped relatively quickly. I don’t remember now if she pulled the charges herself or the state denied to prosecute. And even still, this followed him. The internet is forever. When his great grandkids google his college career, that will show up. Please keep in mind this was a black athlete, playing ball for a big college in the south, with a white girl accuser, all the cops I saw at that station were white in the short time I was there and at least the one I spoke to had his mind made up. He was loud and clear about that. He said basically the same to my friend who was interviewed separately, that he was determined to convict him, he was “the one”. This city I’m speaking of has been sued for police brutality against BPOC and I’ve heard my friends/classmates getting called the N word (hard ER) in the broad, open day light. So yeah add that info in with the rest and come to your own conclusion.

Before anyone comes for my throat again: idk exactly what DID happen but I know what DID NOT. Which to be clear, is pretty specifically: this rape with this person, did not happen here and at this time. So I’m not saying something didn’t happen but under different circumstances. I know trauma can mess with memories and if something did happen under different circumstances, I am so sorry that happened to her, I wouldn’t wish sexual assault on my worst enemy. I’m also not saying she necessarily had ill intentions or knew it would proceed and go viral as it did. The point is I just don’t know, no clue. Not throwing any blame or shade her way, all blame and shade on that cop though. ACABs, no excuse for his ass.

Anyway, y’all don’t gotta believe this since it’s been a few years and I highly doubt that stuff is anywhere in my phone like 4 iPhones and two laptops later. No reason to front, I don’t gain anything by lying but a guilty conscience. But this scenario that I btw, very much did not wish to be a part of, showed me another side of things. Can we agree to yes of course, trust and support women but also trust evidence and testimony? While, yes, stats show few women lie about this, can we at the same time understand questioning and thoroughly investigating such a heinous crime? Can we also recognize the system is literally built to “serve & protect” some by severely and systematically oppressing others? There are people, too many damn people, who have lost absolutely everything, served major time in big boy maximum security 23-1s, and have been put to death, based on biases and little to no evidence.

Next time you see an accusation, regardless of what it is, please do a little research. Make your own conclusion. Put yourself in their shoes, would you want to be “convicted” (either legally or through SM bullshit) on a snip it of convo with almost no information/context? Called a rapist cause you led someone on? No. You wouldn’t. Actually for any crime for that matter. You would reasonably ask and expect for it to be fair, two sided, and with as much evidence or info as possible. So let’s treat musicians, athletes, influencers, celebs the same way. Let’s not condemn before gathering as much information as possible. If not, I am so afraid we will drive an innocent person to suicide. We would all feel so guilty if someone was driven to suicide over false or misleading statements. Let’s avoid this, please.

#2020 #people aint gon like this one #assault #SA #metoo #accusations #incarceration #also most importantly ACABs

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fieldbears · 5 years

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Washed-Up Stucky MNF/Fic Writer Provides Endgame Opinions

I’m going to try to tackle this linearly, at least to begin with:

I am very much Team Bored With MCU Hawkeye, but I want to give sincere props for the cold open, which I think accomplished several things simultaneously: recapped the consequences of the last film (since, hey, it’s been a fuckin while), set the tone, and began Clint’s narrative arc.

That said, jesus, I’m still irritated by the shoe-horned family to begin with. First they were invented for convenience and narrative stakes, and then their final, ultimate reason for existence was to be temporarily fridged. Take a moment to imagine a world where Clint was the circus runaway loner he was supposed to be, who only had his coworkers as found family, who either responded to The Snap by throwing himself harder into his teamwork work OR went rogue because his sense of justice and agency was so fucking destroyed by what happened. He didn’t need a blood family to have the arc he had. And he didn’t even need the arc he had. But this is a bitchfest about a choice made many years ago, not made in this final movie.

The first third of that movie was rough. The whole thing had the narrative flow of “A Series of Related Short Stories Played One After the Other”, but the first third seems to be Failing To Establish the New World and then Clumsily Establishing The Emerging Situation.

The establishing shots and scenes to show the audience what The Snap’s consequences were worldwide were... lacking. It’s dark? No more baseball? People are relying on natural light instead of interior lighting, but this is also happening at Avengers HQ, where they clearly still have power and internet access to work their tech, so... was it just an aesthetic choice? I feel like the film tried to spend time showing us what the consequences were for the average New Yorker, but instead we get a weird Canonly Gay Russo Character who gave a good performance that tells us about the human loss but not about the mechanics of this new world. We get the ‘no baseball’ shot and all we get afterward are ‘people miss the missing people’. But restaurants still exist? Businesses are functioning? (Wouldn’t New York run kind of smoother if it wasn’t overpopulated?) I feel like we were invited to start thinking about how this dystopia works, but were never given answers. (There are so many interpretations of how things could go wrong if certain people just disappeared, and their knowledge/access were suddenly unavailable, and none of it was explored, even briefly, outside of establishing shots.)

The Garden Planet - it’s discovery, the traveling to it, the fight there - lacked emotional grounding in a way I find hard to explain. The audience was excited for Brie Larson being a fucking boss, and the quick execution of the grab-him-and-cut-his-arm-off plan was satisfying, but the twist and subsequent letdown was just a weird beat after a slog to get there, after waiting on a deep letdown beat from the last movie.

Last thing about flow and emotional beats, because I want to move on to character analysis, and this is a huge one for me: Clint’s fight in Tokyo and Steve’s fight with himself were some of the biggest missed opportunities in the entire film.

Not counting the football field brawl at the end, which I don’t count as a real fight scene, these are the two major fight scenes of the entire film and as far as I can tell, there was no effort made to make these showpieces. They went to the trouble of bringing Clint to Bladerunner Central, and pit him against the last bastion of aesthetic-obsessed mafia in the world. The panning camera in the interior as Hawkeye fought goons brushed past lazy fight scenes that only showed who was winning, not the brutality that Clint was supposedly falling into, not the grit of this new awful world, just... shapeless dark bodies getting thrown through windows? And on top of that, they could have made up (or picked from canon) any Big Bad to pit him against outside in the street, and we get an Orientalist sword fight that could have fit in nicely on a CW superhero show, and some of the most unnecessary exposition dialogue I have ever heard. Someone bothered to weave Clint’s arc in earlier, with Rhodey explaining to Natasha that Clint’s gone International and also Worryingly Dark. Why the fuck do we have the ‘I’ll give you anything you want’ line, on the rotten cherry on top of ‘stop being mean to the yakuza, we didn’t start it’? You already covered his motivations with the cold open.

And while Steve’s fight ended in a FABULOUSLY HEARTBREAKING WAY, the fight itself was nothing - you can pick little character details out like how they both ditched their shields almost immediately, and it was funny that Then-Steve mistook Now-Steve for Loki in the first place, but it was still a completely lost opportunity to get one true superhero battle in this three-hour slog. Both Steves could have gotten up and carried out the rest of the narrative after a decent brawl, but instead they fall a great distance after some blocked shots and it... was nothing? Missed opportunity for some cool shit.

Okay, skipping to character assessments now:

Clint’s character has been mishandled from the beginning and this seemed to be the “better late than never” eleventh hour arc. Except the end of the arc is unclear - it made sense for him to fall apart after losing his Shoehorn Family, but how did Natasha’s choice to fall do anything but fridge someone else, with more agency this time? It makes Natasha noble, which she already was, and it made her win against Clint, which I appreciate, but Natasha didn’t need salvation through death and Clint learns nothing by getting them back, just experiences relief.

Bruce. I want to say, first, that I love Hulk in a Cardigan. Cardihulk can stay. I want fanart, I want t-shirts, give me all of it. But Bruce’s explanation of “I scienced it so I could get the best of both worlds” only gives us half of the acceptance that Banner’s character is already working towards. As we saw most explicitly in Ragnarok, the Hulk isn’t just a physical form, he has his own separate consciousness, originally defined by rage but revealed to be more complicated. Bruce merging into Cardihulk seems to have... erased Hulk’s separate consciousness without merging it into himself? If there had been some acknowledgement of a second voice still within him that shot out opinions or demands for certain menu items in the diner, this would have been a much cleaner end to his arc, which has been equally messy between actor and narrative shifts.

Speaking of Ragnarok... it’s time! Are you ready? Have you read articles about the Gambit Gambit too? Are you fucking depressed that a fat suit was used for comedy gags in the year of our lord 2019? Because I was. The Russos seemed to... not struggle with what progress Ragnarok had put onto Bruce and Thor’s characters, but reject it. This movie’s Thor was anxious for laughs, was desperate for easy answers to a a feeling of lost heroism, and it didn’t feel like a familiar character. The time-travel scene with his mother wrapped it up very elegantly, and was well performed, but that scene didn’t need to follow a series of “chunky drunk in sweatpants” jokes to show us that Thor was struggling. Everyone in the film is fucking holding on by their fingernails, but only one is played for cheap laughs.

At least we get the bisexual Asgard lady king we deserved.

Tony got the right death. He got a hero’s death and Pepper’s last lines of “you can rest now” were exactly the right lines to wrap up an arc characterized by fear and a desire to protect and control at any cost. I knew the MCU was never going to really acknowledge that Tony’s The Problem, even with lines like ‘you should have let me do the fascist robot thing, that was gonna work fine’ thrown around pretty much as soon as he touches down on earth again.

I’m not sure if there’s much to say about Natasha. It was fitting that she was running HQ, that she was struggling, that she was rejecting emotional help from Steve but clearly still close with him. Seeing her break down after hearing the report on Clint felt right after, I think, being told by several directors (or making the personal acting choice? idk) to just be as flat and as decolletagey as possible. And again, while I feel like she would be self-sacrificing on that cliffisde if given the opportunity, and that she would win, the narrative choice to place her there and have that be her end didn’t really give her anything she didn’t already have. She had nothing to prove.

I have a hard time really laying out my thoughts on Steve without launching into the pregnant absence of Bucky, but I’m going to try. Chris Evans did a good job being the emotional heart of a really fractured story with a lot of conflicting pieces. Seeing him lead a talk therapy session after The Snap seemed very out of character for him until one realizes that Sam isn’t there to lead it himself. His scene offering help to Natasha was another good scene between them proving that not every m/f relationship has to be sexual to be interesting or add to the plot. His leadership speech during the Stupid Fucking Slow-Mo Heroes’ Walk to the platform was well done and makes me think of what could have been for the MCU, if they’d ever just let them be a cohesive found-family team for twenty minutes and let them fight some doom-bots or something. Fuck. Imagine.

Something weirdly satisfying about the deceitful ‘hail hydra’ line in the elevator. Yes? Yes.

The hammer scene was satisfying to me without being too gratuitous, but I’ll acknowledge that some people weren’t into it. Having paid more attention to Steve’s arc than most, I’ll argue that he earned it several times over.

His ending - that is, the secret life he alludes to but doesn’t explicitly reveal to Sam - is earned too. I’ve read at least one thing saying that Steve’s arc was all about him learning to let go, but that’s... never what Steve does. Not at the end of any arc, of any comic story, does Steve let go. Not of his principles, not of the people he loves, he is always “Thinking... Thinking About Bucky!” and getting in fights he can’t necessarily win. So I don’t think his final ending is ever Learning to Let Go. I think it’s fair that it’s Just Once, Just This One Time, Getting What You Want And Getting To Enjoy It.

And now I’m backtracking to Bucky. I’ve read one article already that theorizes that Steve’s arc, which was highly prioritized, included literally as little direct interaction with Bucky as possible because... the MCU? the Russos? Marvel?... is aware that Steve/Bucky is the most popular same-sex ship in the MCU. And that’s tiresome as fuck but I think there’s some truth to it. I wonder if, like in Civil War, we’ll hear later from the actors that a lot of contextual one-on-one scenes were shot and then mysteriously cut from the final edit.

I will say that in my head, Bucky is relaxed when Steve goes back in time for the final time, and lets Sam goes to talk with Steve one-on-one at the bench, because Bucky is not worried if Steve will come back, and does not feel a need to check on Steve on the bench. Because, like Peggy, Bucky has been getting secret visits too. Maybe as far back as during his time in Wakanda, but certainly since the final fight with Thanos. Bucky was calm because he already knew. He didn’t miss Steve because Steve hadn’t given him an opportunity to do so.

#mcu #endgame #endgame spoilers #mcu spoilers

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bellasmediablog-alevel · 3 years

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Critical Reflection

After having finished my short film and the minor tasks, it was time to evaluate my work . It has a word count of 1043 words without counting the tittles.

Evaluative Essay

1) How does your product use or challenge convection and how do they represent social groups or issues?

My product follows the convention of the drama genre as it has a serious tone without any trace of humour.By using tense music and building up the sound effects, I can portray the distress of the character and suspense.The use of dark colours and low key lighting in the scenes at the end also help to show this. When we compare scene 2 to the last scene, we see that the background and character have gotten darker. Her untamed hair, unsaturated skin and heavy eye bags are hints to show their detrimental state. The poster of the short film shows the convention of drama. Promotional products for dramas rely on dark colour, imagery and expressions to show the tone of the story. The heavy use of black and unsaturated colours with the striking imagery comparing Etain with her “happy” personality, allows the audience to get a preview of the story.I represent the social groups of teenage girls by discussing issues that they experience. The main ones being body insecurity. I use small hints throughout the short film to show that Etain has an eating disorder. In scene 3, we see how one of the tabs on her phone reads “How to lose fat quickly”. Then in scene 5, Etain is seen eating diet pills and in scene 7 she only has a piece of lettuce on her plate. The character’s use of normal everyday clothing causes them to appear similar to the audience. By using dark and messy outfits, the audience can understand that she is feeling unwell and might connect her appearance to signs of depression. I show the social issue that is the constant gaze of social media through the metaphor of the eyes, the paranoia the character feels due to the hate message and how it seems to be that only when she posts her edited life people accept and compliment her. The use of dramatic music that increasingly builds up towards the climax of the short film gives an eerie vibe to the scenes that make the audience feel uncomfortable and nervous.

2)How does the elements of your production work together to create a sense of branding?

I create a sense of branding by using a similar dark colour palette and the same fonts in all my products. The use of white for all of the titles only heightens such branding. Scenes that have the same one share similar colour palettes, creating cohesion between them. By gradually changing the character’s appearance rather than doing so abruptly creates a clear image of the character. Key elements of their appearance such as their eyes, nose and body shape are kept the same through the three products to create branding. The website only uses black, red and green making it cohesive and consistent. The visuals shown on the website are the same as those used in the Post Card Advertisement and create a sense of branding.By adding a link in the website to watch the short film I create a link between them.

3)How does your product engage with the audience?

I decided to use the perspective of teenage girls so I would be able to talk about issues that they empathise with. For example,Etain’s obsession with the number of likes and comments her picture gets and her constant need for validation from her followers will resonate with the viewer. By creating a reality the audience feels connected to, draws them in as they feel part of it. The use of the Point of View camera angle when Etain is scrolling through the pictures of the models causes the audience to feel as though they are the ones viewing them. They can perhaps remember times where they have compared themselves to others as well. By using natural ambience sound at the start gives the scenes a resemblance to reality. Fast cuts when the tensions start to build up such as in scene 8 catches the viewer's attention. It differentiates from the start and creates the sensation of anxiety Etain feels. As a subtle reference, I use plants to reference her journey. When she is feeling happy the plants are in full blossom. However, as she starts to break down the plants wither and die. Visual imagery such as the drowning scene is striking to the audience and catches their attention.The visuals of the website with the clashing colours creates interest in the audience. They stand out against the plain black background. By adding information about the characters the audience feels as though they are building a connection with them. Showing the awards the short film has gotten gives it prestige as recognised institutions have awarded it. The contact page allows for an interactive link between me, the producer, and the audience. By giving them a chance to send their messages to me, they feel as though we both share some sort of relation in which they can either show their support for the short film or leave any questions they had.

4) How did your research inform your products and the way they use or challenge conventions?

The website of the short films “ANNA· and “YOU or ME”, use a central image on their homepage that shows the main character and idea of the storyline. Therefore, I showed Etain's real self and staged version in the centre of the website using clashing colours to show their significance, contrasting appearances and to attract the audience. Both websites also show brief information of the short film in bullet point format thus I decided to add it to the “About” page of the short film. When I analysed postcard advertisements, I concluded that the main characteristics that they all shared were striking visuals, contrasting lettering and specific information. In the Postcard Advertisement for “The Rain Collector,'' there is a main image showing the main characters and the mise en scene. The title is always placed in a central spot, as can be seen in the postcard advertisement for “Sylvia” where it is placed in the centre and uses a light colour to stand out. This is why I made the title the largest to attract the attention of the audience and used white so that it would contrast with the black background. Showing the information of the crew, makes the director accessible. Adding the URL of the film website gave the viewer the perfect opportunity to learn more about the short film and also served as a promotional function.

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sterekchub · 7 years

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Chubby Derek Prompt: Stiles works at an ice cream shop, and Derek comes in every day to flirt with him but can't quite work up the nerve. Meanwhile, Stiles can't exactly flirt in front of his manager but he keeps sneaking Derek extra ice cream or toppings in his sundaes. Cue Derek getting chubby from their courting.

So I turned this into a chubby!lawyer Derek story. Not a cohesive story…more like snippets into their relationship. I tried this new style…don’t think I like it so probably won’t be doing it again. But chubby derek is always my fav :) This one is more plot and my others are so far ending up as nothing but chubby banter. :)

I have more amazing prompts I’m working on, but feel free to submit more!

“Hi! Welcome to Freezer Treats.”

The guy ignores Stiles and starts looking at the menu like he had never ordered ice cream before. Judging by his physique he probably hadn’t. His dress shirt was tight, not obscenely so, but enough that Stiles was sure there was a six pack of abs under there and not the slightest hint of any pudge around his waist. The man and his suit looked like they came out of Armani catalogue. He had to be a porn star or a model; otherwise he was simply wasting a perfect opportunity to flaunt his good looks.

“If you don’t know what you want, I could make suggestions?”

“A small chocolate.”

“Umm, sure big guy. You like peanut butter?”

He gets a nonverbal nod in response. Oookay then. Cute, but not a talker. Stiles can work with that.

The credit card he gets handed is a company card from Wolfram Law and, if possible, Stiles swoons just a little bit more. Wolfram Law was one of the top law firms in New York, known for taking on some groundbreaking cases most attorneys would never touch.

So drop-dead gorgeous and intelligent enough to be in the most prestigious law office around. That makes Stiles more willing to forgive this mystery guy for the sour look on his face. Seriously, who frowns at ice cream?

Especially the triple scoop, chocolate peanut butter sundae, with extra peanut butter cups added.

Small nothing. The guy can clearly use the extra sugar.

***

“Hey, Sourwolf!”

The guy glares at him. “Stop calling me that.”

“I don’t know what else to call you. Your credit card just says Wolfram Law and I’m not calling you that.”

“Do you always read people’s credit cards?”

Stiles shrugs. “We’re supposed to check the names and the signatures. You don’t know how many people with stolen cards come in here. Who steals a card and gets ice cream? Seriously like, why not buy a plane ticket or jewelry or something.”

“How do you know I haven’t stolen this card?”

“You look like a lawyer,” Stiles grins. “The broody face, expensive suit…plus who would steal a card, use it at the same place for a week, and use it a block down from where they stole it? If you’re going to get arrested, go out in luxury on some private island, dude.”

“Don’t call me dude.”

***

“Is that a joke? Stiles?”

“Seriously? You just noticed the name tag?”

“Yes.”

“Why would I write a fake name? I’m not trying to get fired. Stiles Stilinski is my full name.”

“That’s not a real name.”

“Trust me, my real first name is awful. Stiles is way better.”

“If you say so.”

“I’ll have you know the manager let me create the Stiles Surprise and it is a legendary dessert on campus.”

By legendary, he means a sugar overload of marshmallows, gummy bears, hot fudge, and a mix of four ice cream flavors that change depending on his mood. He hands it over and the lawyer raises an eyebrow – which Stiles has decided is the key to deciphering all his moods – but he takes it without complaint.

“Bye, Sourwolf!”

***

After two weeks, Stiles finally gets his name.

“You can just call me Derek, you know,” the man- Derek, apparently – says gruffly.

“What?”

“Derek Hale. That’s – I figured you knew.”

“How would I know that? You haven’t once introduced yourself.”

“Everyone around here knows the firm. I figured…” Derek shrugs, looking embarrassed. “Never mind.”

Stiles might – might- possibly brush his fingers against Derek’s while he hands over the waffle cone surprise – a waffle cone coated with two layers of chocolate and caramel.

“See you tomorrow, Derek.”

Stiles gets a smile that shows a bit too much teeth to be considered truly friendly, but it’s a start.

***

“It’s sinful,” Stiles moans to Scott, flopping down on the bottom bunk. “No one has a right to lick ice cream cones like that.”

“How have you not been fired?”

“I don’t talk about how he ‘floats when he walks’ or has a ‘smile like sunshine’ or is ‘the one true love of my life’ constantly.”

Scott smiles broadly. “Well she is. And at least I wasn’t giving her free food every day.”

“Hey he pays. For some of it. He needs to indulge his sweet tooth more often; I’m just helping him relax more.”

Scotts rolls his eyes and coughs. “Sure. That’s why.”

***

Stiles really hates the store’s policy. There was a strict no dating or flirting with the customers rule that came into place when Scott was fired. Allison smiled at him once and the entire soft serve mix he was holding had spilled over the floor – which was still sticky no matter how many times Stiles mops it. It wasn’t fair. Scott got fired, started dating Allison, and got a great job at her father’s company; Stiles is stuck with sticky floors and student loans that mean he really needs this job, no matter how hot Derek Hale is.

He can’t figure Derek out. He stops into the store on a regular basis, always at the same time, exchanges some snarky banter of increasingly long duration with Stiles, then leaves. It has to be Derek’s way of flirting. Why else stop in so often? Stiles loves ice cream more than anyone, but even he can’t eat it every single day.

Not that he’s complaining. It was slowly becoming noticeable that some extra weight was creeping unto Derek the last few months. Nothing too obvious, unless you were invested in memorizing his features like Stiles was, but Derek’s cheeks were starting to fill out slightly and there was a definite tightness where his pants had started digging into the small accumulation of fat around his waist.

Stiles feels only slightly guilty for hoping Derek decides to keep stopping in, his barely rounded belly growing to be a proper gut, while the rest of his body expands to match.

He definitely does not start giving Derek extra whipped cream on everything he orders.

***

The next time he comes in, Derek again orders a small ice cream and looks exasperated when Stiles hands him a large.

“I ordered a small. I always order a small.”

“The upgrade is on me. For my favorite customer.”

“You’re the reason my pants don’t fit.”

“You look fine to me. More than fine, actually. Like unacceptably hot.”

“These are a bigger pair,” Derek mutters.

Stiles does not check out his rounded ass on the way out and confirm his suspicious not all the weight is going to his stomach. Nor does he get a write up from his manager, who overheard him ‘inappropriately complimenting customers.’ Whatever.

***

When Derek next comes into the shop, a strikingly attractive blonde woman wearing a top far too revealing to be appropriate, is standing behind the counter, looking extremely bored.

“Is Stiles here?”

“Obviously not.” She studies him intently, then smirks at him. “You must be Derek. Stiles mentions you a lot.”

“I don’t want to know,” Derek sighs. “I’m sure it’s nothing good.”

The woman rolled her eyes. “You’re as oblivious as he is.”

Derek orders a small milkshake. He gets a large one, piled with whipped cream and sprinkles.

“Stiles’ order.”

***

Derek actually orders a large sundae. Not to be outdone, Stiles gives him two extra brownies, topping it off with five scoops of cake batter ice cream and an ungodly amount of whipped cream.

“You should definitely order that every day.”

“I’ve gained twenty ponds since I started coming here, Stiles.” Derek teases, pinching at his love handles starting to spill over the waistband of his pants.

“So what’s twenty or thirty more?”

“Jesus, Stiles. You’re going to make me fucking fat.”

“Yep. Too late to stop now, buddy. You’ve been coming in every day for months, admit you’re totally addicted. And not that you weren’t amazingly good looking before but, chubby is a good look for you.”

***

Stiles stares for a solid twenty seconds at Derek when he walks in and hopes the arousal he feels isn’t terrible obvious. Derek’s shirt is stretched so tightly against his plump belly that Stiles can see skin between the buttons. He’s dying to just touch him, undo the buttons and squeeze and kiss and grab, now that there is so much more to Derek then when he had first come into the shop.

“Wow – hi, Derek. How was your Christmas?”

He pats his stomach and Stiles is extremely grateful he his standing behind the counter. “I definitely overdid it a few times.”

Derek orders a milkshake in addition to a sundae. Stiles isn’t sure his legs are going to support him for much longer.

“I don’t know, looks like you could fit more in there, big guy.”

“Guess I could handle two sundaes.”

Derek leaves with two less buttons on his dress shirt and a swollen stomach that Stiles wants to bury his face in.

***

“Stiles, this is my older sister Laura.”

Stiles waves cheerfully. “Anyone tell you that you have the same terrifying brooding face that Derek does?”

Laura laughs. “I like this one, Derek.”

She goes to order something and Derek shakes his head. “Don’t bother. Stiles has yet to listen to what someone actually orders.”

“Guilty as charged.” He gives them both his salted caramel toffee sundae.

Laura only eats half hers, then pushes the other half to Derek.

“Now I know why you’re getting chubby, Der,” she teases, putting a hand on Derek’s stomach. “I’d be huge if I ate like this every day.”“Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it,” Stiles grins. “Derek is keeping us in business.

“You know, Stiles, we have an opening in our research division, if you wanted. Free donuts every morning in the breakroom…the chocolate ones have always been Derek’s favorites.”

Stiles waits until his manager is looking before surging forward and kissing Derek. (Stiles may also take one of the huge ice cream vats with him later that day. But hey, he’s quitting anyway. And chocolate is Derek’s favorite flavor).

***

#sterek #chubby!Derek #chubby derek #Derek makes a great lawyer #my attempts at writing with plot

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zaxal · 7 years

Note

3, 5, 10, 12, 13, 23, 33, 50 (sry I got carried away they are good questions feel free to skip some if u don't feel like talking that much)

under a cut, sorry if that doesn’t work on mobile ;u;

3. In your opinion, what’s your best fic?

ash and blood which i link every time i talk about it bc i spent three fuckin years working on it. it’s the first time i’ve really felt that my plot, worldbuilding, and characters were all cohesive, and there’s not much fat i would trim off or things i would heavily edit at this point. the stuff i’ve written since then has been good (imo) but it doesn’t fill me with the same sense of accomplishment.

5. Is there any fic that makes you super happy to reread and remember you wrote that?

almost all of my psychtober fics, undertow, ash and blood, we could be reborn. i’m a huge fan of my own work bc i tend to work with tropes i either like or want to unravel in a specific way. i cater to my own tastes lmao.

10. Have you ever written for a fandom without reading other fanfic for it?

sort of. back when i was a teenager and an asshole, i looked down on fanfiction despite writing some myself (i told myself it was different. it wasn’t.) but since i’ve like... participated in fandom, no. bc usually the first thing i do when i get through a piece of media i want to write for, i head out to read.

12. Have you ever written a fic and decided never to publish it? Why?

yeah bc it was bbclock and doctor who and those fandoms specifically were like... i liked them at the time, but i think i wanted to be involved in a big fandom and carve out my own space. my heart wasn’t in it the same way it was with psych which is when i like. really started writing. there’s some of that old stuff i like rereading, but i still don’t care for the source material the same way i do my true obsessions.

13. What’s the biggest change between your style when you started in fandom and today?

i’m not afraid to say dick, cock, cunt, pussy, etc. like maybe that’s not that big of a thing to other people but i Could Not do it when i first started writing bc i was a delicate flower. i got over that. like writing porn isn’t everything but it helps if you can use like actual words for fucking.

non-smut related, i think i’m leagues better when it comes to keeping the pace moving forward. idk if it shows in my oldest published shit (there’s a certain point i won’t go back and read bc i will be Compelled to update the fic to something better and i don’t have time to do that) but my momentum used to stall out a lot because i’d either get stuck in a scene i didn’t care about writing or i’d be too into something and get obsessed with what i was writing instead of thinking about the story from any outsider standpoint re: whether it was actually readable.

23. What’s the nicest review you’ve ever gotten?

honestly, any comment i’ve gotten that’s like, gone into detail about how i made someone feel a thing is in the ‘best’ tier, i can’t narrow it down further than that. anyone who has made me feel like my writing touched them, that they got into it -- that’s my reason for living.

33. Is there any particular character whose scenes always wind up being longer/more frequent than you expected? Does the quality hold up?

mmmm probably carlton j. lassiter. i’m compelled by him. i ID with him in a lot of ways, and i feel like i understand what he thinks, feels, what motivates him the most. that understanding ironically gives me more flexibility bc once you have a solid foundation, you know when you’re doing something wildly out of character. you can trust your gut a lot more.

so scenes with him usually end up running long especially if i have a character to play him off of that’s fun to write. i think it’s easy to get stuck in a banter loop especially when it’s him and shawn, and while it can be fun to write, you gotta know when to stop and get back to what the story’s about. that’s where the quality would lag behind.

50. Has writing fanfic had a significant impact on your life? Would you say it’s entirely positive?

it’s had a huge impact on my life. i went to college for writing, and while i got advice that helped me from that, fanfiction is where i can explore, tweak, see what works and what doesn’t in an environment that’s solely for fun and for free. i’ve been telling stories my entire life, but fanfiction is where i honed it into something usable. thanks to fanfiction, i’ve completed my first project that took years of on/off working to do, i’ve been able to learn how to maintain a tone and a style for a work for the years it’s taken to complete (s/o to my WIPs, i know they’re out there and need tending to). i’ve learned how to introduce side characters and how much the audience needs to know them w/o my obsession with them overtaking the main story.

there’s a lot i’ve learned that had to come through practice, and fanfiction is a great field to use.

i wouldn’t say it’s been entirely positive, if only because i’m super anxious about making the leap from fic to original work. because i’ve gotten comfortable using other people’s characters and interpreting events through their eyes, i worry that my own OCs won’t hold up or that i’ll fail at worldbuilding because i’m used to playing in sandboxes where so much is already built for me.

but that’s just a bump in the road i have to get over.

#shawnhenryspencer #ask answers

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gigapoodle · 7 years

Text

My Big Ass Long Necessary Rant Post Comparing Persona 3 and 4

Literally the most indulgent shit ever I just beat P4 and I gotta talk about it turn your eyes away unless you care for some reason

Things Persona 4 Did Better Than Persona 3

-The Social Links, oh MAN they were so much better in this game. Persona 3 had some pretty mediocre Links (Tanaka and that one fat cult kid immediately come to mind, also the student club kid who was obsessed with the cigarette). I don’t think any of the links were bad at all? Hell even the ones that I thought were gonna go sour (the Nurse one started off rough) ended up taking a really interesting turn. I also think that P3 relied too much on Social Links for random people I don’t care about, whereas so many of the SLs in P4 were already established, like Nanako and Dojima, all of the investigation friends (seriously P3, why couldn’t I SL Akihiko or Junpei?? What the hell???). It was just so much more rewarding in the end and I loved all of them.

-To add on to the point above without making the paragraph too long; I like how all of your friends were INVOLVED in the plot before you even get to do their SL. The whole Shadow Self thing was so clever and made the characters so much more interesting. Like Kanji? SO interesting. Struggling with concepts of masculinity and his own self image, and you know all of this BEFORE you even start the SL, so when you do get around to it it is much more interesting and fleshed out. I’m so happy about all of this

-The whole Romance thing. P3 handled it terribly. Apparently in P3 I wanted to date everyone (no choice on just being friends!) and if I talked to too many girls it would screw up the whole system. In P4 everybody still wants to fuck you but at least it doesn’t screw up my other SL links thank God (but I would like it if I didn’t have to be romantically interested in every girl plz and thank you)

-THANK GOD I COULD CONTROL MY TEAM LIKE HOLY SHIT....thank GOD. Now they actually felt like super strong teammates with something on the line rather than robots who I hoped wouldn’t do something fucking stupid. (I’m pretty sure Junpei killed himself literally 10 times during the Nyx fight and I couldnt’ do anything but watch.)

-P4 protag was still the most powerful member of the team but wasn’t blatantly OP like P3 protag

-Being able to look at what the fuck my skills actually did was a godsend (like I remember the difference between Masukukaja and Marakukaja, jesus)

-Social events were generally funnier and better. I laughed like 10x more in this game than in P3. (God bless Kanji and Yosuke tbh)

-The individualized dungeons were much more fun to go through. Tartarus becomes a fucking drag around level 150, but jumping from a sauna to a strip club to an underground secret base? LOVE IT

-Music was generally catchier and I found myself humming along too it way too often

-Way more save points, thank GOD (although they did screw me over at one point so this isn’t that much of a bonus)

-I like that when Rise couldn’t scan the enemy for weaknesses, I just had to figure them out on my own. Made the dungeons enjoyably harder. I also appreciate that healing spells cost less in this game, considering how much you need them.

-Having the after-battle reward be basically ONLY personas was a smart move. The addiction of the Tarot Card Bonus/Drawback was a super neat feature as well that I absolutely loved.

-Rise got on my nerves much less as an announcer lady than Fuuka. (Teddie was the worst though. Thank god we only had him for a little while.)

Things Persona 3 Did Better Than Persona 4:

-Even though P4 made a huge improvement with the battle system by allowing you to control your teammates, P3 had a vastly better battle system imo. The three different physical attacks (Slash/Strike/Pierce or whatever) made physical attacks actually feel lie they matter. P4′s system was way too watered down and as a consequence I never used Light/Dark ONCE and it felt a little too easy.

-Better pacing. There were set dates for when I had to finish dungeons of Tartarus, and I could do whatever I wanted during those times. Afternoons were always free for SLs since exploration was at night. In P4, the fact that dungeon crawling took up an entire afternoon on top of the fact that I never really knew when the fog was gonna settle in made it hard for me to plan out everything. (I ended up having a lot of unfished SLs in P4 which pisses me off.) (P4 tries to make up for this by moving some SLs into the evening but it wasn’t enough.)

-Much better ending. Once you found out who the killer was for P4, everything just felt anticlimatic. His boss battle wasn’t even that bad. And then he turns out to be the opening battle for some weird God eye that I don’t give a shit about. It felt like nothing was really at stake and it was just weird. But P3? You knew your damn destiny. The world was gonna end and you literally had no hope but you fought anyways. The entire MONTH leading up to that felt so somber and powerful. Climbing up the stairs on that final day to battle the Strega members and then finally, Nyx (in a boss battle that took a HOUR AND A HALF on top of some cool symbolic shit where the protagonist literally dies) it as just...something, man. And then everyone meets on the roof as you die, like...it’s so neat. P4 felt like they were trying to live up to that while still keeping the wacky cartoony vibe and it didn’t work out.

-The theme was much stronger in this game, and holy shit was it powerful. I get that P4′s whole thing was discovering the True Self, but it doesn’t really tie into the ending imo, nor the murder mystery shit. P3′s theme of Death is much more powerful and well written in the story. Everyone in this game has had at least ONE person die in their life, and seeing how everyone copes with it is sooo interesting. And dealing with the futile fact that everyone dies eventually with Nyx like....so fucking cool. And to top it all off, YOU die. The P4 protag doesn’t discover shit about himself (maybe in Golden? idk). Very very cool

-Evokers are way way way cooler than some fog glasses.

-Music was much better in this game. It was so damn unique. And it worked! It was weird and kinda glitchy at times but it worked so damn well!

-More on the battle system - I’m really sad they took away group member healing in P4 because that was so helpful. I’m also sad they took away general healing of everything whenever you went back to the base of Tartarus. That made it so much easier to grind and just get through Tartarus. Forcing me to only heal SP by paying the fox a shitton of money (and man this is the first RPG I’ve played in a while where money was actually on shortage and a problem) made it suck. It took away precious time from SLs that I needed.

Things They Both Need To Work On:

-Is Japan just super fucky about social issues? It was way worse in P3 but man do I feel played over by P4. Like the whole Kanji thing, CLEARLY his Shadow stuff was alluding to him possibly being gay, but they pull the rug under form you at the last second and throw that out the window. Same with Naoto - there was literally DIALOGUE about how she wanted to be a man but they threw that away too! Why??! They gotta stop skirting around these things. Also why are all of the dudes so pervy in these games? Junpei and Yosuke sucked about that, both games HAD to have a weird men-accidentally-walking-in-on-bathing-girls scene (P3 literally had a MINIGAME baed on it ffs). Also they are really mean about fat people in these games and always make them the butt of the joke. Stop it Persona

-This Good Ending/Bad Ending shit. WAY worse in Persona 4 but P3 still had it. I think that’s part of the reason why P4′s ending was eh? because even though you face the final boss, of course there’s a TRUE ending where you face ACTUAL God instead of EYEBALL God. Ugh. Also they made it way way WAY too easy to get the Bad Ending in P4. Like you literally have to use a guide not to get the Bad Ending. At least P3 made it very obvious how not to get the Bad Ending and they didn’t do any of that true ending bullshit.... (I guess they kinda did with The Answer but THE POINT IS STOP WITH THESE MULTIPLE-HOUR ENDINGS GOD)

-Please give me female friendships where they don’t end in fucking. It complicates things so much and makes me feel weird.

Overall Verdict:

I like them both equally and cannot place one over the other. Persona 3 felt more cohesive and satisfying but Persona 4 had a better cast and was arguably more enjoyable. I think that P3 will always have a special place in my heart since it was my first Persona game and it just fucking blew me away, on top of the fact that it took me about 4 months to complete whereas Persona 4 took me like 3 weeks (whoops). I think that Persona 4 tried to tackle too much (murder mystery while also keeping their whole ‘facing god and humanity’s fragility and flaws’ thing) whereas Persona 3 arguably did too little at times. But in the end this game is probably now my 2nd favorite series (behind Fire Emblem) and you can bet your sweet ass I’m getting P5 literally the moment it comes out. I’m almost salivating over it. I’ve already got PQ and P4A to tide me over while I wait so!

#this got long fast #I just love these games holy crap!!!#persona 3 #persona 4

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ecotone99 · 5 years

Text

[HM] The Ramblings of an Inept Alcoholic

I was always destined to be an alcoholic. My father drank, his brothers drank, and their father too: and when he lost the ability to swallow, he drank through an IV. He was a good drinker.

I was never sure if my mother was an alcoholic. She was the sort who just slumped in her chair and watched the telly. But she did that when she was sobre, if she ever was sobre, for all I knew she was perpetually inebriated: a far better position to be than in a perpetual state of level. I hesitate to contemplate such a thing. I do not think my father would have married her if such was the case. On second thought he most probably would have. From the lack of cohesion they share, it is reasonable to suppose that the wedding happened quite by accident, and that the whole exchange had been a mishap, that some other woman had been designated as my fathers wife, and that through a haze of drunk delirium, they had much to the misfortune of all, ended up together. To this day I believe that my father won her, or the woman she had replaced, in some drinking game.

My father is quite a drinker. Whether there is pride in my voice when I say this is up to further analysis. Pride is a thing that I have been taught to value only when it is there; and given that I lived my first, however many years, without it, I have quite forgotten its consistency. I recognize it in others, quite often: it is rather belittling. He always was a good drinker. Born to it. From the age of three he had learnt to swim, finding himself in vats of wine. First flask aged four, preferred it to my grandmothers tits: he says that it was less concentrated, less fiery down the gullet.

He was the sort of drinker, whose stories needed no exageration. This isn’t to say that there was no exaggeration, that were the case people’ld think him a lightweight. You have to be tall you see: every man, woman, child knows that your tales must be at minimum twice magnified: it shows discipline. See when he told of winning a town wide drinking contest, there was no lie told. So what does he do? He fabricates the elephant; his main contestant. A large one too. As he’d tell it: big as any building, and bigger still, greater than any tree of the forest, king of all elephants, it’s trunk larger than his wife: which was a trying task for any elephant: and involved a certain lack of proportion, but I garnered that my father’s knowledge of elephants stopped at its ability to drink.

My father was always supportive of me. I resented him for it. He would nod at me: a greeting that said “How do you do? Are you well?” He’d crack open a beer for me once or twice, perhaps by accident, but deeds over words as they say. And I hated him for it. His father beat him. His grandfather beat his father. And I was left, shame of the family, alone and unbeaten.

I suppose with the retrospect a clear mind can provide, that the blame lay on me. That I chose not to suck from my mother’s tit, that I chose not to earn my father’s belt. Born without nerves, into a world no longer tumultuous, into an era with nothing to protest. No oppressor, no pressure, no point to prove. I was given everything, and for that I received nothing.

Eight, the age at which I first tried drink. Brown, and smelling of disease. Pinched my nose and poured a small dosage down the back of my throat. I noticed two things, that it tasted as it smelled, and that I was about to die. I had taken far too large a dose, and there were no ice cubes to dilute it; and my throat was on fire, and I was going to asphyxiate. When I threw it up, my throat was burnt twice. Caught, red faced, so to speak, my father laughed. It was cheap. Neither his smile nor his eyes held disappointment, and I hated him for it. I didn’t touch the stuff again, until the age of twelve.

Smoking started, age ten. Even at that age I knew sobriety to be shameful. And I was teased at every interval by my uncles and their friends. The same ever repeating lines, a result of some alcohol induced brain damage, perhaps early onset dementia. I later strived to replicate such things. I never liked to smoke: it was an expense, it smelled bad, and I knew it to cause ulcerations of the stomach. But it hid the lack of alcohol on my breath, and that in itself was enough.

There were no kids my age, and by that I mean that there were two. One, a product of incest: so I was told, and so I believed; and had certain difficulties, but it may well have been foetal alcohol syndrome: and so I took a disliking to him. The other was female and fat, and that’s all I ever knew of her: Pregnant Penny her nickname. Our teacher, a television and the front cover of a graffitied textbook. Behind the desk and in a state of mellow high, a convicted sex offender. A fact, and the only words he ever spoke to us. I suppose that we were a disappointment. And in later years, when pubescent Penny made her attempt at seduction, she was returned to her seat with the raise of two eyebrows.

At twelve I discovered the older kids. And in return for cigarettes, I was allowed to remain, and to laugh at their jokes, which were implied to be humoristic. Their class was large, with five, and so I went unnoticed. Their teacher, a divorcee, slumped lifeless and dead. And through them I learnt much of the world. And I first tried beer, a bitter brown, resemblant of piss. It went down easy, but went up just as easy. There was neither disappointment nor disdain in their eyes. To support them, and to support myself, I found a job.

Too few people read for a paper route. The pub, a family business. The coffee shop, distasteful of my manners. And the church did not pay. It was in the rundown library that I found employment. The pay was poor, but the work paltry. A one person job, stretched to two, as to not stretch one's legs. The owner much resembled her cat, slumped at the checkout, her eyes beady, whiskers not so much as a twitch. The cat of course, was stuffed. I stacked, and stood, such that nothing was stolen. On occasion, my advice was sought, and with no experience of such things, the recognition of my opinion that is, I would simply recommend the most nuanced titles. Whether they were in search of classical literature, a light read, or a comic, a short walk to the pornographic section would ensure returning customers. From this too, I learnt much of the world. As with tobacco, you grow accustomed to the aroma. And when a man with round glasses, or a woman with a wrapped shawl, crossed our entrance, we would be shutting for lunch; and when they returned an hour later, we would be shutting for the day. On a Wednesday afternoon, a couple of years later, I would go in to find her dead at her desk. A coronary apparently. Two hours it took to notice, and only then from a build up in flatulence.

It was that same year in which my father caught me skipping class. At the park sharing a pack, brown paper bottle in hand, hearing of the excavation of a second cousin from Wisconsin in Canada. And out of a bush, a prickled bush, with thorns like knives, he emerged: distinguished in dishelvery. It took several seconds for his eyes to adjust, several more for surroundings, several more still to observe my presence, and several more that I was his son. Faint and faded smile, and he was gone. The last time that I hung with the older kids.

Sixteen and faced with a decision, uncertain of expectations, I buckled under the pressure and remained in education. Fueled by an alcoholic bulimia, I sought professional aid. And through the writings of Hemingway and S. Thompson, found a certain peace. Only for it to be blown away with the setting sun. Life polarized to the neon saturates and the drab muddy monochrome. Like any opiate, addiction was to happen in several well defined stages. And in recovery there were recurring thoughts of ending it: myself and the pain that came with unrequiting aspirations. All of this and more, quickly forgot in encountering Becky. A sightly slap to the face, overshadowed by its all too physical manifestation. She was the kind of abuse I had yearned for. Young love I supposed. All things come to an end, this too I supposed, witnessing her take a long and shafted suppository, in the school parking lot. Aged eighteen school ended, an unceremonious affair. On Monday it was there, and Tuesday it wasn’t. No one seemed to notice, no one cared. An ashen debris, with arson suspected. And I left for the city.

I became a writer, for they knew how to drink, to smoke, to revel in the ravellings of their own ineptitude. And I did just that, though drinking limited. Insomnia came and went, its passing a side effect of the caffeine and sedatives. I became a writer and did not write: my take on modern literature. My time occupying itself with music and movies, and I learnt that taste was subjective, pubs and clubs and bathroom stalls, with women most often whiskeyed. And then there came a time, when my card was declined, and there became need for a real occupation. And so, two weeks into the life of a writer, I found myself an accountant, with expectations, responsibilities, a thin black tie and a station of free coffee. The money was good, and I became a whore to the constitutional stability. It was only as I mused over the monthly and annual gym membership rates, that my subliminal sufferings became sentient.

The doctors offered sanctuary. A place to list my concerns: that I was twenty and recycling, that I listened to pop music, that this winter I was to ski in Aspen, and that I ate fair-trade, free-range, organic. And he listened, eyes sagged, and asked what I wanted. I responded ‘to drink, to be depressed, to have direction’. And I was given a prescription of sugar pills, and told to get married. A liver transplant, simply would not have been enough.

It was while in pursuit of a wife, that my mother passed. Mistook the highway for the couch. No funeral, no coffin, no cremation, a hole in a field. And sat atop her, I wandered whether pissing or weeping was more appropriate. I supposed it unprecedented. And in any case, my bladder was barren, and there were no onions at hand.

My uncles at forty, were put in a home. Their minds bent and broken, unable to recall which twin they were, unable to finish their own sentences. All culminating in an altercation, in which one brother mistook the other for a mirror, eliciting two broken noses, and enough blood for several large scale transfusions.

We had neither the money nor the sentiment to pay. Instead, an exchange of prisoners. We took two men, ages unknown, providing them a bench in a park, a wholemeal loaf and the company of half fledged pigeons: the neighbouring ducks being an indecent bunch. A homeless shelter stood not half a mile away. A better life.

My uncles were left dry but miniatures: a sip a day. In a purgatory, self-made and self-deserved. Anticipating response, our contact numbers were left in sharpie, stamped upon their wrists. In hindsight, a tattoo might have lasted longer. This was the last we saw of our uncles.

My father's time would come decades later. He clung to life as a tick, yet to drink his fill. I would visit sporadically, mainly for demotivation; a reminder of wasted potential. At a certain point, he was moved, with great force, out of his residency. Henceforth his habitation of the local bar, became in perpetuity. Had a squatter maintained his rights, the pub would be under new management. But a squatter had no rights, my father neither, and he found himself a gravitational force for tourists, who would gawp in reticent inertia. During one such display of excessive drinking, he self-ignited, gaining for himself a sizeable applause. I thought it in poor taste, combustion being the leading cause of climate change and all.

His death hit national news, with a civil lawsuit being filed against the liquor distributor. International news came next, and through which I garnered an appearance on a talk show. The whole run-up being rather insidious, as I prepared to defile my father’s name. A publicist prepped me on dress and on what could be said: which was very little, and was most ninety percent made up by a would-be screenplay writer, assistant of hers. A publicist working for a group of lawyers, whose representation I never solicited, in a trial I never sought, to which end I struggled to discern; but the amenities were above par, and for that I went along supposing it a potential anecdote.

His name... I misremember, but was American and smooth, like coffee. His temperament too: coffee or cocaine, perhaps the two. And his laugh almost natural, and his hair shone as a Sub-Saharan sun, and was moulded in such a way that I was reminded of Marie Antoinette. My spiel was made less dry, by a tangential discussion on the legalisation of cannabis. My view being, it was detrimental to the youths of tomorrow: fewer laws to violate. They thought it British sarcasm, I thought them sheep to the hypocrisy of liberalisation.

I went from being an accountant to having an accountant, and an attempt at being sophisticated and civil. With wines red, not rough, conversations loaded in undertone, and orchestras and operas and an all female rendition of Othello. But sociability did not stick, it bore far too much resemblance to emphatic boredom. So I left it all behind.

And that was my life, at least that which was worth reading about, and which was not too explicit. That most moments were in relation to another, is either the defining characteristic of the human condition, or evidence of my position as a bystander to my own undefined life.

___________End___________

Authors comments/ what I think of it: 1) The beginning sucks, the first few paragraphs need work. 2) The structure is a little simplistic and could be improved. 3) There are a couple of sentences that feel out of place i.e. they are too poetic 4) There are some sentences that dont flow well together. I.e. it feels abrupt 5) The end is as abrupt as an end can be, and it seems to confuse people. 'that most moments were in relation to another': another means 'another person' instead of 'another moment'. Don't know how obvious that is. But adding person would ruin the flow of the sentence.

Wouldn't mind other opinions? This is the first thing I've written that I thought was (despite shortcomings). Is it actually good?

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