#it's a horrible feeling to see your biggest fear come true

[softiedingo]

HELP HELP HELP-

#ao3 #IS DOWN AGAIN OMGGGG #it's a horrible feeling to see your biggest fear come true #i'm SCREAMINGGGGGG #i hate when this happens #i don't know who i am without my nightly dose of angst before bed 😭😭😭 #let me iiiinnnn #im 😭😭😭😭😭

[freyarabbit]

Yep! Sure thing. I appreciate the detail you added in the request! It helps alot! 💖

◆¡Can't be sneaky with six eyes around!◆

request.1

[9:24 pm]

It's almost thirty minutes past your bedtime. Though that may sound childish, considering your job as of now was far from it. But a fixed bedtime was a necessity, if you wanted to be able to wake up early in the morning without being tired out of your mind.

But, just for today, you sacrificed that, after receiving quite the peculiar message by Megumi, asking you to come over. It's true you need sleep, but Megumi's definitely more important. Plus, this invitation was simply irresistible. You wouldn't want your boyfriend to get all mad and pouty, would you?

Both of you barely got time to do...stuff together during the day because of your horrible jobs, hard studies and clingy friends. Night time was the best to avoid getting caught too.

Slowly making your way over to him from the hallway, being as quiet as possible not to wake up Yuuji, even though you knew how much of a deep sleeper he is.

You opened his door swiftly without knocking "hey" you saw him already standing at the entrance for you, as he pulled you into a kiss, leaving you stunned for a second.

His arms enveloped around you as you both stumbled towards his bed, your minds too focused on each other to keep it down and realize how noisy the wooden floorboards were getting with their creaking. Something you may or may not regret later.

At the quiet and eerie entrance of the jujutsu tech Dormitories, the strongest sorcerer Gojo Satoru, or otherwise known as an annoying goofball by his students, was sneaking around to get his wallet back, which he'd left there by accident, having been busy as hell annoying a certain black haired boy.

He'd figured all of you would be asleep by now, so it would be okay for him to just quietly go in and out.

As he got the brown wallet in his grasp, his sharp ears picked up what sounded like creaking, giggles and whines. Surprisingly, he didn't know what was going on immediately, instead, blindly approaching the source.

Noticing Megumi's door creaked open, he looked in, his eyes widening due to what was before him.

You right beneath him, as he kissed your cheeks, lips, forehead and what not.

Unlike a normal person, who'd probably back away as quickly as possible to avoid getting caught watching, he just let out a loud gasp.

Megumi felt his heart literally jump out of his chest, but not the way it does when he sees you. It was different. Fear and annoyance taking over him, while you looked at the white haired man with your jaw dropped, embarrassment washing over you.

"YOU BOTH ARE TOGETHER LIKE THIS ALREADY?? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?" He said, in disbelief that the boy he raised since he was 6 years old hadn't told him about his love life.

Megumi looked back at him with an expression that you could only describe as furious but defeated at the same time.

"Will you keep it down?! Do you not know how to knock?? Stop embarrassing me."

You could've sword you saw the biggest blush appearing on his features, as he avoided making eye contact with anyone. You chuckled, which turned into laughter.

This made him turn his toward you, his brows furrowed,

"Seriously???"

Quickly looking back at Gojo he spoke low

"I swear to God if you tell anyone and ruin my life for the hundredth time-"

Gojo Satoru sighs, pouting as he replied, "Fine fine, I won't tell or whatever."

He jokingly scoffed and left, the sounds of you and Megumi discussing the situation could be heard as he did, a few things were running through his mind. He knew both of you had alot of chemistry, but he didn't think you'd get into that much far of a point in your relationship without him knowing. He was glad both of you could feel like normal teenagers for once, but anxiety was still eating away at him deep down. He couldn't let anything ruin this. Which could be hard. He mentally swore to protect all his students, especially Megumi and you.

A smile stretched across his face, as he walked out.

Alright! That was it! I hope this met your expectations! <3

#jjk megumi #jujutsu kaisen megumi #jjk x reader #jjk fluff #jjk smut #jujutsu kaisen #megumi x reader #megumi fushiguro #fushiguro megumi #megumi fushiguro x you #megumi fushiguro x reader #fushiguro megumi x reader

[erin-bo-berin]

i saw an anon ask about a second part to ‘sorry’ and i’m dying cause that sound so good,, like i can imagine steve kind of tearing up,, especially if it’s a little girl- like imagine stevie realizing what an ass he was sometime back,, but you had left maybe?? then one fine day he sees you and yours and his baby and his mind goes like skkrt,, because there you are the love of his life, the one person he loved more than anything in this entire world and the one person he hurt so much?? and his beautiful kid and gaaahh it kills me to think of this angst being angsty and fluffy- maybe he starts crying just a little and the baby’s name is something that signifies reader and his relationship like constellations they used to watch or flowers he used to get her,, my brain turned to mush i’m so sorry <3

also can i please be this anon 🪐 || if it’s not already taken? <3

Yes you can absolutely be that anon! 🥰

Also I’m imagining it like roughly 16 months later (so adding up if reader was 2 months by the time she told Steve and then the jump of almost a year and a half, baby girl Harrington is going to be 9 months old) I just want baby cuteness and angst and all with Steve 🥺

Mistakes

Steve Harrington x Reader

Part 2 to Sorry

Part 3: Growth

Part 4: Love

“Holy. Shit.”

Steve couldn’t have said it better himself.

When Robin had uttered the two words, he’d turned from where he was leaning against the counter, talking to her during a particular slow period at Family Video.

He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Or to put it better, who he was seeing.

You were like a mirage. A fantasy come to life.

A ghost of his past, if you will.

He hadn’t seen you since that day in the diner. The day he made the biggest mistake of his life.

Begrudgingly, he had to admit it took him longer than it should’ve to realize he made a horrific mistake. He’d ignored the pit in his stomach that day he left you at the diner, that feeling of wrongness settling in his chest. After all, he was doing it for you. He was trying to be the bigger person.

The only thing that accomplished was making him the biggest asshole of the year.

Probably of the century.

It had taken weeks of his friends knocking some sense into him before he finally accepted that he needed to make things right. During that time, he finally opened up to his friends, revealing all his insecurities, his doubts and his fears—all stemming from shitty parents and one relationship gone horribly wrong before he’d even met you. He’d realized he’d projected all this on you, fearing that you weren’t in it for the long haul, afraid that you’d leave him if things got too tough.

He should’ve known that wasn’t true with how hard you’d fought for your relationship after that final break up.

But he had learned by opening up to his friends that that was something he needed to become comfortable doing with you. You deserved to be let into his mind, see all the not so attractive parts of him. It had terrified him before, but knowing you wanted to hear to help him, to be there for him made it a lot less scary.

When he’d gone to find you though, to beg you for forgiveness, you’d already been gone. Your roommate—who you didn’t particularly care for, which is why you’d basically lived at his place during your relationship—had told him you’d moved home with your parents, who lived an entire state away.

From that day on, he never stopped beating himself up internally. The guilt actually ate him alive.

What kind of man was he?

He’d left you, pregnant and alone.

Now, here you stood, nearly a year and a half later, near the entrance of Family Video.

Right in front of him was the woman he loved with every fiber of his being. You owned every part of him, but most importantly, his heart.

And in your arms, nestled on your hip was a baby girl.

A baby girl that bore a striking resemblance to him.

“Hi, Steve,” you whispered.

He honestly couldn’t find the words as he gaped at you. His braid had short-circuited at seeing you. His heart pounding with nerves and just because of you. It probably wasn’t the most manly thing to admit, but you made his heart flip like it was doing summersaults, gave him butterflies in his stomach.

Rendered him speechless too, apparently.

You looked even more beautiful than he remembered. He halfway wondered just what you’d looked like pregnant, if you glowed from within like everyone claimed pregnant women do.

Even from the distance of half a room, he could see you looked tired, but it didn’t take away from your beauty. There may have been circles under your eyes, but your eyes were still as pretty, always a hint of mischief in them. Even if now they looked a little wary, he saw the strength in them too.

Your teeth was sunk into your lower lip—something you tended to do unwittingly when you were nervous. He remembered well how they felt pressed against his and suddenly there was an ache in his chest, a deep need to to kiss you.

You were in casual lounge clothes, loose pants and a t-shirt, but it might as well been the fanciest dress because you looked amazing in his eyes.

It was when his eyes landed on the baby girl, that he truly felt the breath leave his lungs. She was as beautiful as her mother, with rosy cheeks and a carefree demeanor.

But she looked just like him.

She had his dark hair, his eyes, he didn’t even know how to explain other than she practically had his whole face.

A hard elbow to the ribs had him snapping out of his trance and grimacing at the same time. Who knew Robin’s elbow hurt so much?

“Hi,” he breathed, reverent, almost as if he spoke too loud you’d just drift away like dust on the wind, nothing but a pure figment of his imagination.

“I’m going to take my break,” Robin announced, officially breaking his spell.

“Just holler if you need me,” she said to him, before heading towards the back.

You walked closer to the counter, the baby in your arms babbling, chewing on the toy in her hands. She was taken in by the bright colors and lights everywhere and her eyes looked everywhere, her tiny mind taking it all in.

“I thought you moved back in with your parents,” Steve said, fidgeting with a pen that was laying nearby.

He forced himself to put it down and still his hands.

“I did. But I decided it was time to come back to Hawkins,” you said, shoulders straight, sure of yourself.

“After all,” you continued, “I thought you might want to meet your daughter.”

His daughter.

The words about brought him to his knees. Not from fear like they’d had that day so long ago, but just from pure enchantment. A part of him was in this little girl. This little girl who he’d help create.

She was perfect.

“She’s beautiful,” he smiled, watching her.

“Yeah, I think so too,” you smiled, trying to get her to turn to look at him.

“She looks so much like me.”

The awe in his voice was apparent, but he couldn’t help it.

“Yeah, I carried her for nine months only for her to come out looking just like you,” she teased lightly.

He chuckled, the lighthearted remark easing some of the tension and awkwardness between you two.

“Well there’s definitely no question that she’s mine, that’s for sure,” he said with a wry grin.

He was afraid you’d be insulted by his retort as he had asked when you’d told him you were pregnant, if the baby was his. But you just smiled at him and his heart soared, getting way ahead of all logical thought.

“Um,” he swallowed nervously, “How old is she?”

“Just turned nine months.”

You tapped on her tummy, tickling slightly, trying to get her to look at him.

“Can you say hi, Scarlett?”

“Her name is Scarlett?” he asked, smiling at her when she finally looked at him.

“Scarlett Rose.”

Again, his breath left him entirely as his gaze shot to yours. He found the confirmation there in your gaze, but he still had to ask.

“Scarlett Rose as in…”

He didn’t finish his thought, but you finished it for him.

“The red roses you’d send me for every anniversary, birthday and Christmas? Yeah, just like that.”

It was a small gesture he’d done early on in your relationship that had continued throughout it. That had been just a small physical thing, although proof of his love for you. But now, named after those romantic gestures was an actual product of yours and his love.

“I love it,” he smiled, “It’s perfect.”

You noticed him watching her and you couldn’t help but smile at how amazed he was by her.

“Would you like to hold her?”

He nodded emphatically.

“I’d love to.”

You handed Scarlett to him and he took her, a little awkwardly at first, but soon she settled into his arms, tiny hands busy playing with the name badge on his employee vest.

“Hi Scarlett,” his voice sounded hoarse, his throat clogged with emotion that he was trying to keep at bay, “I’m your daddy.”

She was still focused on the name tag, babbling away and his eyes actually teared up as he rubbed a hand over her back, kissing her head. He looked up at you and saw you watching them, a slight smile on her face.

“Y/N, I—”

You held up a hand.

“You don’t have to say anything. I know you didn’t want to be part of her life. But I didn’t want to keep her from you. I just thought you should meet her.”

There was so much he needed to say, that he wanted to say. Of course, the most random, most idiotic thing was what chose to fly out of his mouth.

“Is there another daddy in her life?”

He wanted to hit himself. Of all things, he had to say that?

Your brows creased and he rushed ahead to explain himself before he could piss you off.

“I just mean I told you that day to find another father for her and I know I gave you permission to but I really regret that now because I don’t want any other guy being a father to her and you have every right if you wanted to da-”

“No.”

Your simple response cut off his incoherent babbling.

“No?”

“Believe it or not Steve, but I wasn’t interested in dating. I just wanted to focus on my-” you paused, realizing your mistake, “Our little girl.”

Scarlett was trying to pull the fabric of his Family Video vest into her mouth and he stopped her.

“No, no, honey. That’s not to chew on.”

“Here, give her this.”

You reached in your bag, pulling out a teething ring toy, handing it to Steve. His fingers brushed yours when he took it and you felt the metaphorical spark as his touch, your eyes flying up to his. He watched you with such intensity, you could feel your heart flipping like a dolphin in your chest.

“She’s teething pretty badly right now,” you said, trying to pull yourself together.

“Here you go, sweetheart,” he murmured softly to Scarlett, placing it in her hands and watching as she brought it to her mouth to chew on.

You watched, father and daughter finally having met, the hole in your heart that he’d left behind slowly, millimeter by millimeter, begin to heal.

“Y/N,” he looked back towards you, “I’m so sorry for what I did.”

You nodded.

“Apology accepted.”

“I’m not even through apologizing,” he laughed, although you could hear the pain behind it, “I never should’ve left you or Scarlett. I was scared. I was a jackass and a coward. Call me whatever you want, I deserve it.”

“I’m not going to call you anything, Steve.”

“Still, I deserve to be called everything in the book,” he sighed, looking as worn and broken as you felt, “I actually went to find you. A month after that night.”

“A little late by then, don’t you think?”

He winced at your comment.

“That’s fair. But yeah, I found out you’d moved home. So I want to tell you now what I wanted to tell you then.”

You stopped him.

“I appreciate it, Steve. But you don’t have to. I didn’t come here for us, I can here so you could meet your daughter,” you said, “I wanted to let you know that you can see her, spend time with her, whatever, anytime you want. As far as I’m concerned, we’re just co-parents.”

He’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel a stab of pain at that last statement.

“But, I wanted to make it right, Y/N and apologize.”

“Like I said, the apology is accepted. But you’re not forgiven. You broke my heart, Steve. We’re broken. If you think I came to fall back into your arms after you left me in a pile of shattered pieces, then you’re sorely mistaken.”

He sighed, the weight of the world feeling like it was crushing his chest at your words. But really, could he blame you? He wouldn’t trust him either.

Scarlett babbled to him and he smiled at her, albeit he felt like doing anything but smiling. Crying, screaming, begging, punching a wall, maybe.

But he had no one to blame but himself.

“Do you mind watching her real quick? I really have to hit the bathroom,” you said.

“No, we’re fine. Go ahead. It’s down the hall to the right.”

Scarlett saw her mommy leaving the room and started to fuss.

“It’s okay baby, mommy will be right back,” she promised.

“Ma ma,” Scarlett whined, pathetically.

He knew exactly how she felt.

“Hey, want to see some really cool lights?” he asked her, jostling her gently in his arms, walking to the big Family Video sign.

It was a neon red orange that glowed brightly and he thought it would distract her long enough to keep her from crying. She babbled, reaching out towards it, her tiny face illuminated by the neon light.

“I could tell you lots of stories about mommy,” he spoke softly to her.

Scarlett looked up at him as if intrigued by the sound of his voice.

“Most importantly though, I can tell you that I made the biggest mistake ever when I let her go.”

#steve harrington #steve harrington angst #steve harrington fic #steve harrington blurb #steve harrington x you #steve harrington x fem!reader #steve harrington x reader #stranger things #stranger things blurb #stranger things fic #stranger things angst

[statticscribbles]

Stutter

Summary: Sweet Pea/Reader, Reader comforts Sweet Pea as he confronts a fear of public speaking

Sweet Pea has been in more near death experiences than he can count. He’ll always come away from it laughing a little, everyone chalks it up to shock and they make jokes once everyone is safe and the bruises or wounds have healed by a few days.

“Seriously guys, that was nothing compared to my one true fear.” 

“Nah I would rather do that ten times again than face my real fear.”

“I can handle it, I fear way worse.” 

He has an endless parade of comments and jokes to make and everyone teases that his biggest fear is losing you. He doesn’t comment back on that and everyone keeps teasing him about how hard and fast he’s fallen for you, considering you’ve only been dating for a shorter time.

“Sweet Pea are you okay?” You wave your hand in his face. He’d been staring at Pop’s wall and occasionally taking bites of his burger.

“Yeah, I just forgot about the presentation part we have to do.” He shrugs but you can see the way his hands shake, the same way they do when he thinks you’re in danger.

“You don’t like public speaking?” He chokes out a laugh and you don’t say anything else, you know he’ll just avoid talking about it, but you can also see how truly terrified he is.

“It’s, It’s fine Y/N you don’t, it’s fine you don’t need to bother, I ca-I can handle it on my own.” Sweet Pea’s smile does reach his eyes and you sigh through your nose at him and offer a reassuring smile.

“I Already did this last week, I know you’re nervous but try running through it a few times with me.”

“The problem is it isn’t you! When I think about talking in front of everyone, for class, they’ll, they’ll find out how stupid I am.”

“Didn’t you already get a ninety five on this project?”

“Yes but…”

“So you just have to tell everyone about it.” You smile and Sweet Pea does his best to look convinced, he’s actually a horrible liar.

“How about you just tell me what you want to say now, and I can write little notecards to help?”

“Yeah that sounds good.” He’s not looking you in the eyes and you know he’s just agreeing so you feel helpful but he points to the printed out slides he’s using for reference as he talks. You notice he only stutters twice, and even then it’s only over some of the more complicated scientific words.

“What if you pretend there’s other people here, would that make it worse? Just pretend it’s me and Toni.” He nods and closes his eyes before opening them and restarting the presentation; you notice he stutters four times, and backtracks over half of part of it he had no problem saying only moments ago.

“The notecards might help.” He sighs after he’s been quiet for a few moments, and you realize he’d forgotten what he wanted to say completely.

Sweet Pea grimaces but nods to the teacher who nods back.

“Good job. That’s all for today, we’ll get to the second half of the presentations tomorrow.” Sweet Pea can’t help but chuckle at how Reggie and Archie groan, thinking they had both gotten out of presenting.

“You did so well baby!!! I’m so proud of you!!!” You smile at him, fingers running through his hair as he slumps in the chair gathering his strength for a minute, you know having to do that presentation was terrifying for him, and you’d told everyone to meet at pop’s later. None of them had questioned it, as far as they knew you were the one that had a huge fear of public speaking and Sweet Pea was comforting you.

The class is empty now and you sit on his lap, hands curled in his hair.

“You did so well, I’m so proud of you.” You hum at him and he grins nodding slowly, you can see how tired he is.

“Did you pretend everyone was naked?” You laugh when he blushes.

“Don’t think I could picture you naked and talk at the same time.” He chuckles and then nods towards the door, assuring you he’s okay to go to Pop’s.

“I did just pretend I was talking to you in my trailer, like when we practiced.”

“I mean that did lead to me being naked.” You laugh when he blushes again.

Support My Writing?

#sweet pea #sweet pea x reader #sweet pea imagine #sweet pea reader insert #sweet pea x you #sweet pea x y/n #jordan connor #jordan connor imagine #riverdale #riverdale reader insert #riverdale request #riverdale imagine #stattic

[stillcarmine]

Another excerpt from that time travel fix it fic I’ve got in the works:

————- From behind him, he hears Jason’s voice, asking, “Leo?”

He’s so startled that he tries to turn and grunts in pain, ruining any chance to downplay why he’s in sick bay. 

“Hey, you alright?” Jason asks, coming further into the room toward him. “Did you get hurt on your watch?”

Leo just grunts, keeping his eyes on the cot in front of him. 

“Here, sit down,” Jason offers, placing a hand on Leo’s elbow to try to guide him to the cot behind him, but Leo flinches back from the touch, sending another jolt of pain through his chest. “Shit, sorry!” Jason says.

“Not on you,” Leo grits out, and steels himself to just fall back to sit on the cot. His ribs scream in protest, but it’s the lesser of the two evils. “Ambrosia?” he asks. 

Jason retrieves some from the cabinet and passes it to him. Leo looks up just enough to see the offered square and reaches for it with his left hand. He lifts it stiffly to his mouth and bites into it. Though he can feel the magic beginning to heal his injury, the godly food tastes like nothing to him. 

He can’t bring himself to take another bite, and just holds the large remainder on his lap. 

He realizes that Jason hasn’t moved since handing it to him, and Leo can’t bring himself to look up.

Leo tries to let the survivor’s guilt- because the logical part of him knows that’s what this horrible feeling is- wash through him and go on with it there, but he feels stuck, his neck bent at an uncomfortable angle downward. 

He hears the cot in front of him creak, and Jason’s knees come into view, about a foot from his own. 

“Leo,” Jason says quietly. “Look, I’m not sure what’s going on with you, but… I want to help.”

Leo can’t even muster up an ironic smile. “You don’t need to.”

“I want to,” Jason repeats. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” Leo says, almost before Jason’s done asking. Leo takes a deep breath. “No, I don’t.”

“Okay,” Jason says cautiously. “I think you might need to, though.”

Which is true, Leo admits to himself, if only he had someone else to speak to. 

When Leo doesn’t answer, Jason exhales and tries again, “Is there anything you can tell me?”

“No,” Leo says, and sees Jason’s hands go still on his lap. It takes him a moment to realize how cold that sounded. “I can’t talk about it at all, okay?”

It’s too damn honest, even this denial of information. He should be laughing through the situation, and spinning stories and crafting stories under those obvious deflections that would actually be believed. Not that he would have with Jason, because the younger version of Leo had hardly ever withheld what he thought from Jason. 

And he feels so goddamn lonely even with only a foot of space between their knees. 

“Why?” Jason asks softly. “Is it bad?”

The questions are so simple but cut to the core of the problem. It is bad, this is all bad, in ways so deep that Leo’s still discovering the depths of it, and it’s all his fault. 

To his dismay, Leo feels tears pool in his eyes, so quick and much that they overflow before he can even try to blink them away. He hears Jason shift on his cot, leaning closer and Leo wants to move away, to keep all of this from hurting his friend. 

“What if I fail?” he asks to get Jason to pause. “What if I do everything I can and I still fail?”

It’s all too honest, because that’s the biggest fear hanging over him. What if even with this second chance at the quest he can’t change things and his friends have to suffer?

“If we fail,” Jason corrects.

Leo bites down on his lip so hard the inside of it begins to bleed. 

“If we fail,” Jason goes on. “Then we go down together.”

“I can’t stand that,” Leo says, finally turning his head to look at Jason. “Don’t you get that? You all deserve to make it through this war.”

“So do you,” Jason says. 

“No more than you,” Leo says, voicing regrets he’s carried for years. 

“It’s not an either or scenario,” Jason tells him, and Leo doesn’t contradict him. “I mean, unless you know something I don’t,” he adds, obviously trying to lighten the tension. 

Leo rolls his eyes, because that will convince Jason that’s not the case, and he sees it works when Jason’s shoulders loosen minutely. 

“I’m sorry,” Jason tells him, and hearing those words he should be saying to Jason nearly breaks him. He bites on the open wound in his mouth to bring himself to reality. “But the rest of us are here.”

Leo smiles at the unwitting lie.

#leo valdez #jason grace #hoo #heroes of olympus #fic #valgrace #of a sort #it’s been a hot minute #a different brand of valdangelo angst claimed my attention #it’s still kinda is but I want to get back to writing this one too

[archangeldyke-all]

feel free to ignore this if it makes you upset or uncomfortable!! I was watching this video by Caelan Conrad about how grooming is portrayed with lgbtq people and it really just broke me.

I’m a 18 year old lesbian from the south. I’ve come out to my immediate family (most are Christian) but most of them dismissed it as me being to young to know. I’m so fucking scared that if I even end up dating, that they’ll being to see me as a groomer or something. I have a little sister and it hurts so much when I distance myself from her but I just can’t handle the possibility of someone thinking that I would ever hurt her like that.

i know that a lot of lgbtq people find joy in life but it feels so unattainable with everything right now. Do you ever get over this daunting fear? Do you have it?

hi baby. i wish i could give you the biggest fucking hug in the world rn. i've never seen this video, but i do know a LOT about this fear and being dismissed. this is going to be a long post, lol

i came out at the age of 13 to my mom. it was a complete accident, i didn't mean to come out, but her intuition figured it out. she was certain i was too young to know, and i had my first ever panic attack right in the middle of the lunch rush at a local cafe! it was horrible. at school, i was the first queer kid out, and as a result i faced a lot of horrible, shitty, disgusting, perverted questions and comments and teases. i was raised incredibly catholic (like, church 2/3 times a week) but through my adolescence i lost my faith and... no one was sad to see me go.

all of this is to say: i'm very familiar with this feeling. i doubt you'll ever meet a lesbian that hasn't felt this way. we're made to feel so predatory and ashamed for feelings and attractions that are completely natural and normal. (there's plenty of sociological reasons for why queer people in general are always portrayed as predators, and there's even more reasons that lesbians are specifically targeted by the 'grooming'/'predator' comments so often that i'd be happy to talk about some other time.) it's depressing and discouraging, but i promise you every single one of us feels this way. you are not alone.

i also promise that it gets easier. it's so fucking corny and lame, but it's also true.

give it time. your family will become a smaller and smaller fraction of your world. this isn't to say they will matter any less, just that your world will expand beyond them. you'll find passion in your work or art or hobbies and gain more freedom as you get older. you will make queer friends, you will find queer spaces. they won't be where you expect, and it likely won't be glamorous, especially in the south, (hell, coming from a small town midswesterner here: some of my best memories come from loitering in the wal-mart parking lot and breaking into the public parks after closing) but you will find them. you'll also make straight friends who love you, and they'll prove to you that the world is changing for the better! you'll work with queer people, you'll love queer people, you'll beef with queer people, and each time you meet another person like you, you'll feel your world grow a little bigger.

most of your family will come around in time. if they don't-- don't worry about it. you can't control what they choose to believe about you, you can only control you. don't push away your sister-- you'll regret it when you get older. instead, show her how much you love her every single day, treat her with compassion and respect, and she'll treat you the same way, regardless of the shit she hears from your family.

also: anyone who accuses you of doing something horrible is just projecting. you are not the problem-- they are.

and finally: despite the fact that i've been out of the closet since i was a kid, and the fact that 'dyke' was my nickname in highschool-- i was scared to say the word 'lesbian' until i was 19 years old. i was consumed with the fear, discomfort, and disgust you're feeling right now. but as i grew up and my world got bigger, i realized that there wasn't anything wrong with me, there was just a whole lot of shit wrong with the world. and it took time to unlearn all the shit swirling in my head, but day after day, i got more confident with myself. what helped the most, though, was reading about, and meeting and interacting with other lesbians (old or young, annoying or mean or nice, butch or femme-- any lesbian) whenever i could. the more i learned about lesbians and lesbian history, the more compassion and respect i had for them-- and then for myself for being one of them.

and now look at me: i'm running a lesbian smut blog!!

joy is on the horizon for you, baby. it'll start small, but it'll grow and grow and grow. i really hope this helped you believe it <3 i love you so much, i'm sending you a million kisses, i'd you'd like them. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[ciaossu-imagines]

to be honest rhe "choose violence" asks are all compelling! I can not pick one soooo

just pick which you would like to answer! I would love to hear your thoughts on all of it but I want you to decide how much you can and want go answer

Okay, but thank you so much for wanting to hear my thoughts on these and for giving me the freedom to decide which I felt comfortable chatting about. Since no particular fandom was requested, I did just kind of general fandom answers and hope that my answers amuse, cause some thinking, or at least don’t piss off people too much!

The character everyone gets wrong

Honestly, I live and die by the thought that everyone has the right to interpret a canon character however they wish. They’re not hurting anyone, viewing the character differently or even completely opposite to how they’re written in canon. No matter how OOC I think their portrayal of the character is, I don’t think it’s any of my business, as long as they’re having fun. I say this but…there’s one minor exception and it comes back to my days in the Harry Potter fandom. I have seen so many excuses made for Severus Snape, so many rewrites of him as this tragic heroic character, the paragon of knowing what it is to love truly and deeply. Nah, my dudes. Snape was a racist sad sack incel who felt entitled to Lily’s love and called her slurs when she didn’t return it. Having a bad past, being bullied? That’s no excuse for him literally not caring if this chick’s husband and child died, as long as he could have his shot with her. That’s no excuse for him literally joining what was basically magical KKK. That’s no excuse for him growing up to become such a huge bully towards literal children that one of his students literally had him as their greatest fear. Tragic hero my ass. The man wasn’t fully evil and he did do good, in the end. But he wasn’t such things of myths and legends and he can exist as both a horrible person and as someone who did good things.

Screenshot or description of the worst take you’ve seen on tumblr

I really do hate just the recent trend in fandom of not interacting. I don’t just mean that people have stopped interacting with posts and with artists and writers, though that is most definitely true and it’s incredibly frustrating to see. I mean it in a larger sense than that. Going from what fandom was back then to what fandom is now, I really do feel like overall, there’s less interaction between fans. I don’t even know how to explain it but I remember how easy it used to be make fandom friends. There were super active Discord servers, yeah, but even before that, you’d make friends commenting on people’s fics or through writing fics on ff.net. There were active writer’s groups for fan writers where you’d get to talk to people, both about writing fics and fandom in general. There were lots of rp boards. You’d get interaction just making fandom-centric music mixes. You’d get lots of interaction hosting a blog like mine. No matter how introverted you were, you could always find a safe place and friends in fandom. But it feels more and more like it’s hard to find any of those things now. It feels like somewhere along the way, fandom became almost commercialized and now it’s consume this thing, move on. Put out this thing that takes hours of your time for a handful of likes and be grateful for that because you’re only supposed to create for the simple joy of creation (which yes, creating fandom stuff should be fun, but if it was only ever done for the reason of enjoyment, there’s really no reason to share it – people generally share fandom stuff because they’re excited to share it with fellow fans, they’re looking for that interaction and that feedback and for other people to be excited with them) and then move on. It feels like it takes a shit-ton more time and energy now to find those fandom spaces to meet people and make friends in and it’s just not a trend that I’m really the biggest fan of, though this is, of course, just my view and perception of things and maybe I’m wrong.

What was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?

People can be rude and mean to me all they want, but being mean or rude towards any of my friends or readers? Instant block from this particular blog. Stealing work also earns you an instant block. On my personal blog, just being ignorant towards people will make me pre-emptively block you, even if we’ve never interacted. I figure if people are that comfortable using this platform to hate, then they’re probably not people I’m ever going to want interacting with me or my art.

Common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

Characters do not have to be rewritten so that they’ve never done anything bad, excuses don’t need to be made wildly to excuse every bad thing they’ve done, they don’t need to be rewritten to be perfect – always doing the right thing, communicating so healthily and with proper therapeutic terms to the point you have to wonder when this character went through extensive therapy, super strong mentally and emotionally but still able to be vulnerable, no flaws besides a few superficial ones that everyone easily forgives except for those bad guys to be interesting and ‘good’. Characters can and should be flawed, characters can and should make mistakes and do the wrong thing every now and then. Writing a character who isn’t universally loved and right and good, writing a character who does horrible things or has views that aren’t kosher – none of those things make the character OR ESPECIALLY THE WRITER a bad person. Writing a character with not-so-great views doesn’t mean the writer holds those views. Basically, be able to separate the writer and the character and know that it’s okay for characters to be well…human. To mess up or be massively unhealthy and to still like them despite that. I hate washing down of a character to sanitize them, I really, really do, both in canon characters and OC’s because it just makes them feel flat to me, and I’m really sorry to anyone whom that offends.

Worst part of canon

I completely understand, as a writer, that it’s almost impossible to fully explore every character in your work, to delve into all their backstories and to give them all their days in the spotlight. That’s the worst part of any canon work to me – there’s never enough space and time in a properly done story for us to really get to know all the characters and because of that, there’s always going to be at least one or two characters who remain forever flat and unloved, despite how interesting they look and seem. Thankfully, that’s what fanfiction is for and I’ve often found fics for these characters that really endear me to them and shape how I view them.

Worst part of fanon

You guys all know how I’m going to answer this. You guys all have heard me rant and rave about this a million times – it’s the tendency of fandom to prioritize and make only romantic relationships important. Two characters can’t have a meaningful relationship and bond without secretly wanting to fuck, or so some parts of fandom would have you believe. Two characters can’t be just close friends without secretly wanting to date each other. It completely disregards how important platonic bonds are, how much familial relationships shape us, how strong a bond hatred towards another person can forge, how much we rely on co-worker relationships, on student/teacher relationships, how literally important relationships of all kinds and shapes are. It also kind of erases the existence of aromantic people and characters. Some people are just generally not interested in romance in any sort of way, and they deserve to find plenty in fandom to latch onto just as much as people who love romance do. I am not saying romantic relationships are bad and should be stopped when it comes to fandom stuff. Go ahead, ship, fill your boots, as long as you’re respectful about it of course. Tell me all the fluff and cute things about these relationships. Fine. But I firmly believe that other types of relationships should be more loudly explored in fandom as well, without people automatically taking that discussion and turning it into an automatic ‘well, yeah, that’s because they’re in love with each other, duh?’

Worst blorboficiation

Okay, I’m not answering this one so much as I’m admitting to be an old fuddy-duddy. Leaning on a cane, shooing people off my yard, and grumbling about the new-fangled fancy speech. In other words, I don’t know what this word means, please someone explain it??

That one thing you see in fanart all the time

I will say this plain and clear and take any harsh feedback on this. If you’re only using AI to create ‘fan art’, you’re not an artist and you’re using a tool created through theft of artist’s actual hard work. I see AI art more and more frequently and it vaguely pisses me off every time.

You can’t understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc.)

I really don’t see the appeal of romanticized yandere or of the A/B/O trope, but that’s just me. I ask that people don’t share things along those lines with me and as long as those boundaries are respected, other people can fill their boots with those tropes and enjoy because people are allowed to like things I don’t really get!

You’re mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like…

NOTHING. Repeat with me – cringe culture is dead. I am allowed to like any and everything I like without having to worry about whether it’s ‘cool’. Cool is a social construct that is perpetually changing and feeling guilt or shame because you enjoy something that other people are telling you is wrong to enjoy is a waste of your time and mental energy. Don’t buy into that – enjoy what you enjoy! Talk about it, create for it, let it live in your head and let it make you happy.

Topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

Sorry, not sorry, but it’s shipping. I’d say about 80-90% of fanwank and fandom arguments and drama and fights in fandom boil down to ‘I don’t like what they ship/they ship something different from me/they ship the character I love with themselves and that pisses me off/they’re shipping the wrong way wah wah wah’. Honestly guys, it’s a large part of why I don’t really ship. I mean, growing up in early aughts fandom that 80-90% was 95-99% of fandom wank, since I grew up in the days of Ichigo/Rukia or Ichigo/Orihime and Sakura in the Naruto scene and whether she belonged with Naruto or Sasuke or whether she belonged dead because she was standing in the way of the boys being together and what do you mean, you ship with an OC? And that OC? They’re trash and mary-sue and you’re dumb for making them, especially shipping them with my fave character and after living through all that wank and drama, I just can’t really find it in me to want to ship outside of just shipping all my friend’s OC/self-inserts with their respective fictional others. There’s much less wank when you’re just supporting friend’s ships and getting into them and when there is, I can easily be like ‘I ship it because you see that character there? My friend made that gorgeous beast. Do you not have eyes, Susan? Can you not see how wonderful that character and ship is? No? Go see the fucking optometrist then.”

Common fandom complaint that you’re sick of hearing

Okay, I know the KHR fandom will tear me apart on this one and I sort of apologize in advance. But honestly guys…I want it as much as the next person, since the anime was nowhere near what the manga deserved, but we’re never going to get a reboot. I mean, it’s been 14 years since the anime ended. God, do I feel old typing that out. I do think the best we can hope for at the moment is really just a good English dub, hopefully a full one, that will revitalize the fandom a bit and maybe a couple small one-shot manga’s or spin-offs for other media.

#admin chatter #unpopular opinions #being salty #oops I answered a wrong ask #this is the right one though haha

[emmy-dekarios-bg3]

Heart of the Weave - A Baldurs Gate fanfiction - Part 2

Chapter 5 - Another adventure huh?

Morning arises and boy am I glad that I can’t be exhausted. Sleep is still nice while immortal; a full night’s sleep gets my brain functioning fully. On top of that, if I sleep, I feel more powerful than before, which is well needed in these strange times. I turn over to face Gale, noticing him wide awake with Jenevelle in his arms. She notices me waking up, smiling and cooing as she becomes alert.

“Ah, my little baby. Such a happy girl,” I remark, admiring her. Gale chuckles and rolls his eyes as if that wasn’t a true statement. She could never be a handful. .

“Mmm, not this morning. On top of her wanting a bottle super early, which she let me know with anger by the way, she had a massive blowout like you wouldn’t believe. I had to bathe her and then eventually bathe myself. I’m just glad you got your rest after last night.” I snuggle my head into his neck comfortably.

“Well, Mr. Dekarios, I’d be happy to stay here while you go kick some Bhaalspawn arse.” He laughs and shrugs his bare shoulders, placing our daughter on my chest. I know he had an eventful morning with her, but I honestly love that he didn’t complain.

“Let’s chat with our counterparts –”

“Friends,” I interrupt, giving him a smirk.

“Right. Then we can come up with a plan.” Well damn, this means we will either need to visit most of our friends by foot, or we can visit with Withers. So, we are going the easy route and summoning Withers because walking all over Waterdeep is the biggest of hassles. For the purpose of Jenevelle not getting terrified, we place her in her playpen in the living area for a few moments while we discuss important matters with him in the kitchen. Tara is keeping her company in the meantime.

Gale performs the summoning spell and Withers appears before our very eyes, which never fails to make me jump because it either takes him one minute to appear or ten minutes. Either way, his entry is startlesome.

“Ah, does thou need assistance? I assume companionship is what is desired.”

“Good to see you again Withers. Yes, that is the matter we wanted to discuss with you,” Gale responds. “Can you have them come our way please?”

“I can, but please be advised that Jaheira has passed on and Minsc is in a grieving state over her unpredicted death.” My jaw drops hearing this devastating news over Jaheira. No. This can’t be. I’m just now hearing about this?

“Wait…how did she die?” I ask, my voice cracking as I’m holding back tears. “It can’t be.”

“The Bhaalists. Jaheira’s soul flies on and is as bright as the moonlight. She protected the ones she loved and told them to run. I can say no more on the matter.”

“The Bhaalists…got her?”

“Yes.” Gale and I are astonished at this horrible news I didn’t expect to hear today. And Minsc? Oh poor Minsc. His heart must be so shattered. “Shall I alert thy companions for your need of them?”

“Yes please,” I murmur, my heart shattered, and a tear delicately rolling down my cheek. Gale pulls me in for a gentle hug, holding me close as I cry into his chest. “Not Jaheira.”

Withers comes back after roughly five minutes.

“Thy companions should arrive here soon. Death and danger lie ahead, but those strong enough to bare it can end the darkness of Bhaal.” Poof. He vanishes again, leaving behind a cloud of blue smoke.

“Well, it’s happening. Hopefully our little group would be willing to conquer this journey with us. I’m so sorry we had to hear such horrible news,” Gale says apologetically. “From what I gathered from that, she told her family to run. It was just her against these horrible people, if you can even call them that.”

“They’re far from human. They’re deranged monsters.”

What is causing these horrible cultists to go on a rampage like this all of a sudden? I assume Bhaal had plans for them since Orin is no longer in the picture. They feared her, they obeyed her. They knew they couldn’t compete. Now that she’s dead, it’s a battle to the death to take her spot. Their God is vile and I’ll never understand his charms.

Everyone arrives at the tower quicker than we expected. Well, mostly everyone – excluding Minsc and Lae’zel. We open the door and everyone comes inside to gather around the living area. We all pour ourselves a glass of wine as we get ready to discuss the next steps.

“The babies… What are we to do?” Shadowheart questions, holding her baby in her arms. She genuinely looks terrified, and understandably so.

“My dear, you should stay with Emmy. I’m a vampire after all, I have nothing to fear. I’ll get to thirst on these heinous, filthy Bhaalists like it’s a buffet. I can’t wait. Plus, I need you and the child safe.”

“On top of that, you’ll get to be with Jenevelle and I. I could use the company,” I add. She gasps in excitement and Astarion takes the baby from her so she can jump up and down.

“Okay, I’m sold.”

“Wow, that was easy. Normally it’s hard to convince–” Shadowheart glares at Astarion for a moment and he clears his throat. “I mean, I’m glad you’ll be staying, my love.” I feel much more comfortable at the idea of staying home with Jenevelle now if it means Shadowheart would stay. Some sort of adult conversation will at least keep my mind at ease.

“Wyll and I will ABSOLUTELY join! We have nothing to live for,” Karlach chimes in. Wyll raises his eyebrow and cocks his head at her.

“Hey now!”

“Sorry, that came off much worse out loud than it did in my head.” I bust out in laughter, which causes me to snort, which I tried not to do but it caused another laughing fit. Astarion is giving me a petty look of judgment.

“Alright, which one of you fools casted Tasha’s Hideous Laughter on this poor soul?” Astarion mutters. “Unbelievable.”

“Count me in as party of the team against these vile murderers,” Halsin comments. “May we restore peace once more and get justice for Jaheira.” Every single one of us holds up our wine glasses for a toast, and we all say simultaneously, “For Jaheira.” Both babies are lying on the rug on their bellies, trying to figure each other out. It’s so cute to see Jenevelle make her first friend, though Shadowheart and Astarion’s baby Asher will eventually age and ours will not. At least Asher is a half-elf, which means it might take him longer to age anyway.

“Well, when should we leave? I’ll need to pack some necessities for the adventure there,” Gale questions as he sits down on the sofa next to me.

“The sooner the better, before the already dire situations get much worse,” Astarion replies. “I just want to get this overwith.”

“So, tomorrow then? I’m with Astarion on this one,” Wyll chimes in. “For once.”

“Tomorrow it is then!”

I did not realize they’d all be leaving so soon, but I suppose it’s best they leave as soon as possible. Who knows how long Gale will be away from us and what sort of dangers they’ll run into? All I have to say is, thank the Gods he’s immortal otherwise I’d lose my shit.

“I’ll miss you,” I tell him as he wraps me in his warm embrace. He kisses my forehead as he holds me, hesitating on his next word. I know he’s just taking it all in.

“I’ll miss you too. Hopefully we won’t be gone terribly long.”

“You two are so fucking cute! It…makes me want to cry,” Karlach comments with a dramatic sniffle. “Sorry, I just love sappy shit like this.” Wyll wraps his arm around Karlach, laughing as he pulls her close and kisses the side of her head. “There it is. About time, Wyll.”

After everyone leaves, Gale packs his backpack with necessities needed for the dreaded adventure back to Baldur’s Gate and I decide to get dinner started. I just hope they can all at least get rid of the sick, monstrous fucks that are murdering everyone. I also keep hoping that Gale’s mother is alright. She’s older and fragile, I can’t imagine anything happening to her. While she lives in Waterdeep, I just know the cultists are bound to head here at any given time if they haven’t already.

We sit down at the table ready to eat dinner. Tara joins us, but basically licks her paws the whole time.

“I will do my best to protect our friends the best I can,” Gale mutters, taking a bite of venison. “I will do my damned best to get rid of the source of this catastrophe. After seeing the horrific influence Bhaal has on people, it makes me so glad I never chose godhood.”

“I agree completely. I can’t imagine you losing yourself for power like that. And you probably would have left me behind and we wouldn’t have the life we have now. I can’t fathom it.” We talk about it a lot, but it’s true. The influence a god has on people is terrifying. What if Bhaal was once a good person and turned to murder once he became a god?

It’s time for Jenevelle to go to sleep. I’m letting Gale feed her and prepare for her bed since he will leave early tomorrow morning.

“Oh, my sweet girl,” he mumbles to her as he gives her a bottle. “May you always stay so precious and sweet. I love you so very much. You are the greatest gift anyone could have ever given me.” He smiles down at her as she watches him speak. His soothing voice makes her eyes heavy and she looks as if she’s going to fall asleep in his arms.

{check out my AO3 👇🏻}

#ao3 #bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #gale dekarios #gale of waterdeep #karlach #gale x tav #dnd #astarion #dungeons and dragons #shadowheart #lae'zel #halsin #Orin #ketheric #gortash #gale romance #ao3 fanfic #bg3 ao3

[teawiththegods]

On the idea of Zeus being misunderstood making you angry, I totally get it. My actual dad is a mixed bag (supportive of my art, but on the other hand abusive), so for me, Zeus sort of acts like a partial replacement. When you get to know Him through worship and actual study, you realize the myths are parables based on an itty bitty truth at best (most are just stories). I will defend Him vehemently because He has been there for me when my real father has not. Beyond that, He shows us the ultimate xenia if you ask me by putting up with all the hate thrown His way and still fulfilling His roles. He doesn't withdraw the rain just because some petty mortal called Him some horrible name. He doesn't strike us down for daring to judge His choices. Let's be real: Zeus would be within His right to do any of that and more for how much disrespect He gets from mortals.

Oooo this message got me all excited because you touched on so many things about Zeus that I wanna talk about! Honestly Zeus is probably the god I could really talk about for hours! There’s just so much there and he’s the absolute best! 🥹❤️

Okay so firstly, my personal relationship with Zeus is very similar to yours! I also have that complicated relationship with my father where he’s supportive in certain areas and I know he ultimately loves me but he’s also the main reason I’m in therapy. That whole saying “We go to therapy to deal with people who need therapy but refuse to go” rings very true for me. I’ll leave it at that. But yeah Zeus fills in a lot of the gaps and helps me heal the wounds left by my father. That’s why I call him my Divine Father because that’s what he is to me. He’s my Dad. 🥰

You mentioned Zeus putting up with all the hate and I actually have a story about that! I’ve mentioned it before on here but this moment with Zeus really solidified my respect and admiration for my Divine Father. So as we can all see I get very passionate when it comes to defending Big Poppa! One day I got especially heated over what people were saying about Zeus and he appeared to me to try and sooth my anger. He told me that while he very much appreciated me passionately defending him it wasn’t necessary. He not only didn’t want me stressing myself out on his behalf but he has accepted the role he and his mythology play within humanity. He said he’s very happy and grateful that his mythology can inspire dialogue around difficult topics and give people a place to share their stories. I was shocked when I received this message from him, but to be honest with you it only turned up the flame of my rage. Just as you said he’s showing us the ultimate Xenia! Because that’s what Zeus does. He leads by example. Everything he expects from us HE himself as to be the epitome of. A lot of people don’t understand that. They think he expects more from us than he does for himself but it’s quite the opposite (more on that in the next ask I’m gonna answer which is about Blood of Zeus!)

The other aspect of this I want to point out is the fact that there are SO MANY STORIES about Zeus. If he was as bad as people try to make him out to be you think humanity would feel comfortable enough to write the stories they have and do about him? I mean look at dictators throughout history. One of the fundamental things of being an absolute ruler is to control what people say about you. They inspire fear, promote propaganda, and create their own mythology in order to keep their people in line and hold onto their power. Zeus has done none of that. From antiquity to now he has sat back and allowed us to shape his mythology and his persona as we wish. If he was meant to be feared as an absolute ruler the Ancient would not feel comfortable enough to write so many stories about him as they have.

Not to mention one of the biggest aspects of Ancient Greece is philosophy. How could an entire civilization be able to think so freely where they established so many schools of thought if they were gripped by fear by a power hungry dominate divine ruler?

MAKE👏🏻IT👏🏻MAKE👏🏻SENSE👏🏻

And then we get to mythology itself. See the thing that people keep forgetting when they try to understand the gods through their myths is that funny little thing called ✨CONTEXT✨ When you line up all the myths about Zeus that make people grumpy there is a very clear theme that just goes right over people’s heads. Legitimacy. Notice how every single story where Zeus sleeps with a woman a child is conceived? And typically the story is very adamant about that child and also the location of where that child was conceived. These myths are all about trying to link people and lands to Zeus. The stories are using HIM to create legitimate bonds, establish power and kingship, and create tourism.

And the funny but also sad thing is that this is nothing new. Humanity has always tried to connect themselves to the Divine in order to legitimize power and control yet for some reason this whole concept goes out the window when Zeus is concerned. People would just rather see him as a monster than to actually think about it. Or you know listen to someone who has read more than a mythology book instead of arguing with them.

But whatever, WE know our Father. We respect him, we adore him, we cherish him, we love him, and we will follow him. And that’s really all that matters. ❤️

#zeusdeity #zeus deity #zeus #big poppa

[carnivoraformes]

//Don't have a headcanon tag for Aventurine but since writing things out helps me get my thoughts straight have a mishmash of thoughts I have about him. This will probably get tossed out the damn window when more information comes out about him but these are thoughts for portraying atm.

He doesn't like being real with people, in the sense he doesn't like being emotionally vulnerable.

It has been said over and over again that he clearly doesn't like having the losing hand and in his mind being vulnerable with another person is the equivalent of opening himself up to be the losing part in a battle of supremacy and therefor he can only rightfully expect for it to be used against him.

He thinks the whole opening your heart to people is a load of bullshit, a pretty thought meant for people happy being 'losers', 'pawns' and failures.

It is probably part of his Achilles heel if not a symptoms of the disease, so to speak.

He also can't fake his feelings, he has a great poker face but when the poker face isn't up he can't fake his true colors.

He is a damn good gambler, it is his metaphorical drug. It is his high and his vice but outside of his stone cold poker face he really isn't the type of man that can fake who he is.

What do I mean? I mean that he isn't one of those people that could be part of some huge crime scheme or be a horrible evil lunatic and convince the world he is just a calm, kind hearted down to earth man. There are people that could be oh so charming and their victims would never know that said person was capable of horrible things. He isn't one of those people.

With him, oh you believe it. He can't hide his nature, or at least the part of his nature that he realizes. He said so himself he likes flashy, frivolous and vain because he likes living as someone that is a pompous, arrogant prick that doesn't look any deeper into himself or other people than is strictly necessary.

Any and all of his relationships in his life are shallow and probably mostly transactional. And for it he is a very lonely man that refuses to address his own true feelings.

Most of the relationships he favors are shallow and based off what they can offer him and what he can offer them.

He is the definition of a man that most of his 'inner circle' only cares about when he has something for them or he only keeps them around when they benefit him.

His love life is full of short stints with pretty, shallow people that just want an equally attractive person to be with that allow him to spoil them rotten because while they get nice free things, he gets to feel well like he isn't pathetic and lonely while ignoring that shallow affirmation and shaky bonds with other people that don't actual care about him don't lead to a happy person.

In his mind it's perfect; he can't get hurt by a friend betraying him or lover spurring him and breaking his heart if neither of these people matter him in the first place.

Probably one of his biggest subconscious fears is of the idea of someone that can see right through him but at the same time he wants that, whether that be platonic, romantic or familial.

He is an example of the man with the biggest ego, but that ego is like porcelain. He knows he is shallow, he knows that people will usually just look at him, see a rich pompous prick with a thoroughly dislikeable personality.

That is something of a gilded cage, he feels safe in it but it is also isolating and depressing.

That said the second he realized someone one is starting to see below the surface his gut reaction would probably go straight to a more passive version of fight or flight. And his automatic reaction would probably be more along the lines of flight.

He wouldn't flat out run, oh no his poor ego would never recover from not only feeling himself even slightly be laid bare before another person but also prove them right by running like a child. How he would actual react is probably dependent on the situation but there would be some hint of fight of flight going on there somewhere.

#*conure screaming intensifies* (ooc) // #//hello i stayed up knowing i have an mri first thing in the morning #//but i had thoughts #//good night

[frecklystars]

Hey keri!! I don't want you to worry about people thinking you're faking anything and stuff like that - what you're doing and how you're approaching it is completely normal and healthy, everything you've said about the shades of pink in that post makes a lot of sense! people know that recovery isn't a straight line, but more wiggly with ups and downs, and you're such a sincere and nice person that I really don't think anyone is going to be whisper whisper about you making it up for attention or stuff like that - especially when the way you present and talk and vent about it is so different to how someone "doing it for views/attention" would be - but honestly I think a lot of people and I really understand the fear of this and the worry, but I think you should feel reassured that nohody is going to be thinking that. Recovery is complex and multifaceted and we understand, and we're all so proud of how well you're doing!! Sorry if this is a bit rambly or doesn't make sense, I find it hard to get thoughts into words sometimes. We're all rooting for you ✨💕🌻

HI YELLOW THANK YOU!!!! 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛

I appreciate you writing this all out for me! And dw it all makes PERFECT sense to me, you are wonderful at phrasing things and also I love you <3

I want to believe it's true, that people can use their braincells if they see me posting a picture of my self insert wearing my favorite pink shirt, and think to themselves "oh wow look, Keri is working on healing, good for her!!!" but I've gotten some confused messages where people are like "why would you make your S/I wear a pink shirt if pink is a trigger? why are you reblogging pictures of Starscream if looking at him is a trigger?" and it's just so hard to have to explain myself over and over and over, that I'm 5 months into the healing process, that Starscream isn't a trigger anymore so much as he is someone I am heavily grieving now, that damn I love pink sooo much and I don't want it to be a trigger anymore, I genuinely want to heal and that means I'm going to have to put in the work!!! I am going to have to look at these things and allow these feelings to wash over me, to reassure myself that I am in control. I do this in my therapy appointments, I do this when I know I'm feeling stable enough to look at these things, and on my horrible days when I can't look at them whatsoever then I just simply don't.

But nowadays when I'm starting to feel myself improve even just the smallest bit, I start to get scared that ppl aren't going to try to understand me no matter how many times I explain how healing from PTSD works. I've been through a lot the last 9 months, I was completely alone with ppl who were convincing me that my feelings weren't valid, so naturally when I come back online I assume ppl are going to think my feelings on reclaiming my own triggers at my own pace won't be valid either...

...and me saying that,,, might be silly, considering all the support I've gotten in such a short amount of time,,,,, I shouldn't stress about an incredibly miniscule amount of people who could potentially tell me that I'm "faking it". but I still get so so anxious, it's been SO LONG since I've talked to people again, people who are actually healthy for me to be around, I'm not used to people understanding me or hearing me out, I'm still so scared that I'll turn around and somebody I trust is going to stab me in the back. Nobody has reason to do this, I just,,, I'm so used to it, I endured it for almost a year, so I'm always on guard now ready for someone to plunge that knife into my back when I least expect it. I never used to get anxious abt things like this but I am such a different person now than I was before I left, I feel like my biggest parts of me are missing :( but I am hoping that healing from my trauma little by little by reclaiming the things that were lost to me are going to help me find myself again.

Thank you for telling me that this is a normal part of healing, bc I feel kind of out of my mind and going thru this process is so rough. It's so hard waking up and immediately getting flashbacks, and having other days where I wake up and I'm immediately super cautious, so tense that my chest will hurt, because I know the flashbacks could start at any point and I have to be "ready" for it. Having anxiety 24/7 is!! wild!!! and I keep going up and down when I'm healing and it makes me feel weird, it makes me feel like I am going crazy and that I'm "doing this wrong". I know healing isn't linear, like rationally I think deep down I am aware of it at least, but omg I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster over here. I've never had PTSD with multiple triggers and I've never actually had to experiment with reclaiming said triggers. I'm scared of people perceiving me when I'm in such a bad state, judging my every move and deciding whether or not my healing is valid or if I'm doing this "correctly". It's probably silly for me to think these things but it's been really eating at me for the past few days.

But I'm rereading your message a few more times rn and trying to really let it sink in, especially when you say I'm a nice/sincere person ;-; thank you. Most people know me by now, I have been online for a longass time, I truly hope people know I'm genuine and I would never "fake something for attention", especially when it involves my comfort characters, like... this is literally the worst thing to ever happen to me, I couldn't fake this if I tried lmao;;;

Thank you for sending me a reassuring message, I appreciate it <3

#yellowpoet #asks #keepsake #also im so glad that you thought my post made sense 😭🙏💛 #i rly rly rly hope that most ppl have the same mindset that you do #i just know the reading comprehension on this hellsite is like... nonexistent fjhgfdksfhg #and ive already gotten some confused messages. and theyre innocently confused #but it just scares me bc theres so many Evil People out there who might try to put me down for all of this #and I am just. I'm doing so bad. I want to heal but I don't know if I'm 'allowed' to #bc people expect me to heal at a certain pace #like. I do not want to spend years being scared of these 10 or 20 things #especially a color that is so!! love-coded!!! one of my main fave colors!! #me trying to reclaim it is something I couldn't have done 5 months ago #but nobody saw me 5 months ago bc I was offline for so long. nobody has seen me at my Worst #so I'm scared that ppl will assume I'm 'healing too fast' #I've only been back for one week but my healing process is reaching 6 months very soon #idk if anything i said just made sense bc i jumped everywhere lmao??? #anyway. ANYWAY. yellow i love you SO MUCH you cannot fathom how much I love you #I thought about you a few times when I was gone I thought about a lot of mutuals #and like you're one of my favorite blogs/mutuals and I care abt you so much. so thank you for sending me this

[ankhisms]

have experienced what feels like 800 emotions in rapid succession on a rollercoaster today and it hasnt even really been a bad day honestly or anything im fine you know how it is

my mood swings have just been a lot stronger than they usually are since thats one of the biggest things my meds are for theyre like supposed to be a mood swing stabelizer but anyway

something that im aware is related to my more severe paranoia and obsessive compulsive issues but is less severe and more just adjacent to those is like being scared that im somehow a hypocrite about various random things or that im somehow secretly an awful horrible person who hurts people and does bad things without me even realizing that im doing that. im also aware that this very much stems from the way my abuser treated me and also the behavior of ""friends"" i had when i was younger who just now as im older i realize honestly didnt even like me and kept me around to make fun of me and be cruel to me together as a kind of group bonding thing.

which sucks because when im doing self soothing techniques and trying to calm myself down or even just approaching these thoughts and talking myself thru things it can be hard to counter the fear of "what if my friends or people i know in general actually talk together about how im an awful person and they hate me or talk together about how ive done something wrong without telling me?" with "no thats not fair or true and not based in reality" because it very much WAS reality for me. not in the sense of me having done something "wrong" in the past with those ""friends"" but like them being cruel to me and making fun of me when i wasnt around and the things i did ""wrong"" were just my autistic traits and other symptoms of my various mental things especially during that period of my life where i was completely unmedicated and had just gotten away from my abuser and was still in the awful school environment of being harrassed every single day.

anyway its really like. i know i shouldnt worry about this, rationally i know this. but just because i know something isnt rational it doesnt make my brain stop obsessively thinking about it so its like i could see someone saying "i hate when people go to the moon and jump up and down and sing the abcs" (ridiculous example bc i cant think of anything else) and i could at first go oh yeah i get that and like their post but then my brain will go but what if ive done that without realizing it and they see me liking their post and they go "ugh rey this post is about YOU and people like you and youre such a hypocrite and dont even know it" and the spiral begins. and in the end i guess all of this just goes to show that having people pretend to be friends with you only to hate you and ridicule you and pick apart every little thing you do behind your back really fucks you up.

also thinking about the ex close friend who cut me off out of nowhere with no explanation for seemingly no reason about a year or so ago now and ive continued to have kind of taking off the rose tinted glasses moments where i loved and cherished this friend so much that i excused how shitty they treated me at different times. not at all saying they are or were a bad person or that there was any abuse going on or anything like that but im just realizing that we both come from dysfunctional abusive families and we both have our own physical and mental problems and so throughout our friendship we both mightve not made the best choices or couldve handled things better and im not exempt from that. but also i realized that he would not tell me if i had done something to upset him and it would be like a guessing game for me and would really stress me out and make me feel awful

and its like. now as im older i would want to be able to talk things out and understand what had happened and be able to apologize and work on doing better. and in general thats something i really try my best on like i think in the past i would really get stuck in obsessively overthinking in self analyzing and get into moral obsessive compulsive spirals that just ended up hurting myself more than helping me grow, and anyway i always want to be able to step back and look at myself and my actions and be willing to listen if someone tells me ive done something hurtful or that i need to re-examine my behavior and beliefs, i think im pretty good at listening to people about stuff like that and have gotten much better about not falling into those spirals i just mentioned and examining myself in smaller healthier doses

but at the same time i do really get worried that people just arent telling me that theyre upset with me or that ive done something wrong or hurt them in some way. i really just want to be a good friend to people and i dont want people to be scared of coming to me and talking with me if ive done something to hurt them or to just talk about things with me in general and i dont want people to think im so fragile and mentally fucked up that theyd be scared of upsetting me by telling me id done something hurtful and letting it fester instead. i dont want to hurt people i want to spend my life making people happy and helping people and being a good friend, thats what i want most out of my relationships in life overall. i want to make people feel content and happy and safe.

but idk i just get scared. please be honest with me be upfront with me be blunt with me even i know im traumatized but i wont shatter into a million pieces if you tell me youre upset with me ill appreciate you being honest about it and ill stop whatever it was i was doing or work on it. i know im bad with social cues bc of autism and if i misunderstand something or say something inappropriate/out of my lane due to this please just tell me yknow

i really hate that my brain is like this and that having been abused and mistreated in the past has made me struggle like this because i want to trust that people arent talking badly about me or angry with me secretly i dont want to be so paranoid i dont want people to feel like they cant be honest with me or that im made of glass and that ill shatter if they tell me theyre upset with me, i want to trust that the people in my life like me and dont secretly hate me and im really trying hard but paranoia isnt something i can just magically wave away yknow its something im probably going to be dealing with for most of my life and im always kind of scared that people are going to get tired of my paranoia

despite living in survival mode constantly i still love all the people in my life a lot and i just want everyone to be happy and safe and i always wish there was more i could do to help everyone and i want everyone to be able to thrive and to be living comfortably and have all their needs met and to get all the help they need i love everyone a lot i want everyone to be okay and yeah

have also been majorly overthinking about if i want to do something that im being vague about as i ramble about it which i know is silly and its not even like something bad or negative but i just keep overthinking about the possible what if scenarios of oh what if i do this and they react really badly and cut me off and never want to talk to me again and due to this im also unfortunately like overthinking most things recently and being even MORE scared than usual of coming off as weird or being weird and making people uncomfortable but aint that just the way yknow. ill either do it or ill be a coward

anyway besides that my days been pretty decent its a lovely early autumn day. after typing this all i realized im probably feeling super emotional and weird because i just started my period lmao but thanks if you read this i love u mwah

[josiebelladonna]

i just think of alex’s post yesterday… how many people have completely overlooked his mentioning that he’s jewish (or telling him happy hanukkah when it was two weeks ago). i literally have not seen it yet, but you know it’s a matter of time before the floodgates open on him next. the oldest hatred in the world only needs a few smolders, even if you calculate it all, especially if you calculate it all—as if i’ve witnessed secondhand.

i feel his silence, the fact that he’s been skirting around all of this very carefully and not really coming out and talking about it all (when he and the diaspora are quite literally staring down the shadow of death right now). all he said in response to it was peace on earth… the alex i’ve seen and witnessed in the last few years is opinionated and has big dick energy. he’s not afraid to kick up vitriol. he inspired me to step out of the shadows and open my mouth. so to see him give a generic message like that… i wholly believe in it, too, but it felt so corporate coming out of him. coming out of him, the guy who values authenticity and being yourself.

so, i gently nudged him, and i told him to be vocal—and i realize that i was walking a very fine line when i said that to him, too, given the existence of the analogy of a jewish man having to turn his pockets inside out to prove his innocence. but when you’re staring down the biggest existential threat of your lifetime, you can’t afford to be silent. i’m quite literally seeing how horrible it all is, even as a gentile (yeah, even i’m on the receiving end of antisemitism if you can believe it), but i’m talking about it and amplifying voices anyway, mainly because i realize that it’s not about me and i wouldn’t be the artist i am today without the jews, but also because i’ve been searching for something that i can stand for, something greater than myself (something that doesn’t involve the hoary old fashioned clichés of church and/or family; i walked away from religion a long time ago and i decided i don’t want marriage and children when i was about 18 because i’m just not cut out for either) and i think i found it.

but when it’s your own people, 15-16 million people on planet earth facing the worst imaginable scenario (and apparently he’s had relatives who fell victim in the holocaust, too?), and your lush, sensual voice seems to have faded out a bit, it requires a nudge of sorts. when i was a kid, my parents always told me to hold their hand so i wouldn’t lose them. and it worked: it was to keep me from being afraid of going out.

i feel your fear, alex, and you know, i’m scared, too, this shit is truly the stuff of nightmares to witness—seeing people who you admired spew out some of the most bone-chilling nonsense that you only read about in history class. be vulnerable (like i said yesterday, i want to see men be vulnerable and open with their emotions for the coming year). they’re going to be merciless towards you but you know in your heart that it isn’t true. you aren’t bloodthirsty and you aren’t a hater, whereas they are—yesterday, i unfollowed a horror blog for saying that the only good zionist is one that is [i am literally not going to repeat it], so you know who the real bloodthirsty ones are here. you don’t owe anyone an explanation. hell, no jewish person should ever feel obligated to give an explanation. it should be obvious that your pockets are empty and that jingling noise is your keys.

here… hold my hand so you don’t lose me. i have very soft hands and i’ll try to behave, too.

#i love how this rides on the presumption he’ll see this #still… this needed to be said #text #jumblr #am yisrael chai #i really liked unexplained-events too there was so much stuff there that was interesting

[labyrithian]

Hi! I found you via the puppy blues tag and I wanted to see how you’re going with it, especially since I’m now in exactly the same boat. Can you tell me what helped you get through the blues and how Maize is going now? It’s only been 3 days for me but I am struggling and I think it’s starting to worry my family. If you don’t want to talk about it, please just let me know and I wish you the best x

Hi, I will gladly and happily tell you that I have finally passed my puppy blues! It’s been a long time since my last bout of puppy blues. I think it lasted mostly the first 3 months. The worst was the first few weeks to a month, where it seemed to be a near constant feeling. After that, the feelings seemed to come and go until finally it just stop coming all together. I think it really comes down to just needing to adjust to the fact that your life is different now. It’s not like with cats who come and go throughout the day for your attention. Dogs are a lot more demanding, and I think there’s a reason people always joke about getting a dog before having a baby. It’ll be hard, but just try to be patient with yourself. Remember to let the puppy nap in their crate/pen area to give yourself some time to yourself now and then. I think what it really comes down to is needing to adjust to a new schedule and lifestyle. Life won’t be the same, but, given time and adjustment, it can be so much more rewarding.

Also remember to let them sleep on your lap here and there, even if you’re not feeling quite like doing it. I say this because I regret not taking more time to just rest with her back then. She’s very active, so, when she slept, I always tried to ignore that she was there at the time. I regret it now, because she was only a baby once, and I feel like I missed out on some bonding while I was too steeped in my own misery.

She needed so much time, so much attention, that I felt exhausted and trapped by her. It no longer feel this way, though I do occasionally still get annoyed at just how much attention she needs from me. That feeling is easily fixed by putting her in the ‘safe room’. Basically, a room for her to play in for a bit that has nothing she could easily eat or hurt herself with. Either that, or having a family member take her for a bit so I can get some alone time.

Maize is a year old now and no longer needs such a strict routine. She potty trained and bow knows how to be alone for a bit without freaking out. It helps to have other pets if you have them. I still live with family, so Maize hangs out with my sister’s dog and my cat. Yes, my biggest fear of her and Piper (my cat) not getting along were ultimately unfounded. Piper gets annoyed with Maize’s over exuberance, but also cuddles and bathes her and plays with her so that’s great. The only one who she doesn’t get along with is our senior cat, but they hardly ever cross paths anyway.

Okay, long story short, it gets better. Power through the overwhelming feelings by using routine and taking time for yourself here and there. Remember to bathe and eat and brush your teeth. Also, do yourself a huge favor and stay on top of training her. All of it: potty training, manner’s around others, manners around the house, etc. It will make things much better once you see them growing into a dog that will fit well into your life and not peeing all over the house.

Maize is good on potty training and handling people outside the house…not so much when people are at our house or when energetic kids are around. Not the best, but not horrible for me, as I don’t really enjoy having others around my home anyway.

Good luck! Remember that, once you finally get through this funk, you may find yourself loving this dog much more than you could have ever imagined. Also, no, your dog doesn’t hate you now because of this phase. (Once the puppy blues started winding down for me I felt like I ruined our bond for awhile. It wasn’t true, Maize still loves me most even if Nona gives her more treats :D)

Sorry if any of this seems jumbled or all over the place, I’m writing this from my phone, haha.

[yuna-writes]

The lockdowns - worth it or the biggest regret?

To be honest, I find it very bizarre how I’m noticing people are forgetting about the Covid pandemic and things are supposedly back to normal. I can understand from a perspective that pretty much majority of people are fed up with Covid and want to erase it from their memory. It’s not that I want them to remember the bad times from the pandemic but ignoring it altogether seems weird. I’m not sure, maybe people do have lingering feelings about the pandemic, especially the lockdowns, and I’m starting to question all those lockdowns were worth it. 

At first, when Covid was around, I felt some anxiety on what this illness was about. And this isn’t a debate really on whether it was serious or not. People have different reactions to bad events, but what surprised me was the government’s ability to lock people in their homes for almost a year. It’s something you see in dystopian novels. The government is here to help the people, but in order to do so, they may have full control of the people. I’m unsure locking people up and missing critical moments in their life was beneficial long term. At that time, I remember the liberals would bash on the conservatives that going outside without a mask was reckless and selfish. But to be honest, I think I can see the conservative’s point of view that life itself is unfair. 

If you think about it, bad things happen no matter what and it’s out of our control. People can die from car accidents, natural disasters and other catastrophic events. Our reaction isn’t really to isolate someone and tell them never to interact with the physical realm again. The moment we step out of our homes, we carry some risks. I get that, so what makes Covid any different then other traumatic events that affects millions of people each year? If we think about it, car accidents kill millions of people a year, but we don’t ban or encourage people to stop driving cars. That’s why it’s making me assess whether those lockdowns were effective or was it actually more harmful in the long run? 

I saw this one person who shared he hated the lockdowns. He was a single person living alone and everyday he would start feeling sad in his home. I think a lot of people started to feel really lonely and sad at home, unable to attend school in-person, and experience graduation. It does make me wonder how much lockdowns have stunted people’s personal development and mental health. I can foresee how someone feels stuck at home but have to witness the horribleness in the outside world. There was a lot of crazy things going on during that period as well. Strangely enough, the lockdowns re-affirmed my pre-conceived notion on my outlook in the world. 

Personally, I think the lockdowns was pretty harsh in the area I lived in. It’s true people died from the disease but I don’t think young people were at large risk. Maybe a middle ground would have been to have people under the age of 50 to operate life as usual and have older adults and high risk people to stay home and give them monthly checks to help them out. This way, kids and teens can go back to school while adults who have health concerns should stay home. I’m unsure why that idea wasn’t implemented, but I guess parents were also fearful that their kids would be impacted the same. Based from what I researched, I don’t see how Covid would impact a healthy kid versus an elderly person. It’s going to effect them differently. 

On the positive note, maybe lockdowns wasn’t so bad after all. I feel like people can see my worldview better after being isolated and witnessing the terribleness in the world. Might sound morbid but there’s a saying that people don’t understand you until they have walked in your shoes and observed the world in the same lifestyle. It creates empathy and after coming out of the pandemic, I think we all acknowledge pretty much everyone went through some hard times. If the lockdowns didn’t happen, I don’t foresee how people can empathize with each other in terms of personal struggles during the pandemic. 

#notes

[ziracona]

Here @rabbit-exe I stayed up till 5:30am and made this for two hours because I am terrified of them and incredibly sad every time I think about them. Drawing them did not help please take your child. They cause me psychological distress.

#I have no idea how close or far I was. I originally imagined them older than they are --like almost 40 or so. This is how I tried to #translate that mental image down to the same person in their late 20s. I didn't do them justice bc they look way too /normal/ but I am not #yet sure how to fix this. Like I think they would look normal in that you couldn't point to any specific and be like 'ok that ain't right' #but also abnormal and definitely off too. Just in ways you would /sense/ way faster than see #they look so unassuming and nice here but they will turn their head and their eyes are going to reflect the light wrong like human eyes are #not supposed to. and then smile sympathetically at me like they really are a decent person while I die horribly bc I have run the numbers #numerous times and I think unless I just got like--incredible dumb luck--I /just/ lose in this scenario. I always do. I cannot deal #not bc I would have no chance of winning or escaping but because I would both die horribly & confused & psychologically and emotionally #just shattered. Even if I got to 'live' through that/come back I would /not/ be ok I am so terrified of this person you made TuT #but I can't hate or even really feel dislike either I want to like them bc there is stuff about them I like & I just cannot really get that #it doesn't matter bc they are running a different os. So I am just v sad but also I /cannot/ stop thinking about this character bc I want to #find a way to make things manageable and cannot it's very confusing. #brain keeps trying to fix & find some way to get 'this person has many redeeming qualities and is not a hopeless person at all' and #'that's very true but it would not at all change behavior in any of the ways you think it would & in this hypothetical no matter what you #try to do you are still very much going to die and there is just no other ending there' and it is /upsetting/. #me art #art #anyway they scare me and distress me psychologically and I still don't even get 100% of why I have the world's biggest emotional reaction to #their existence but here is your kid come pick them up I'm scared #this is like the most afraid I have ever been of a fictional character and it's surreal bc at this point I don't even know if fear or sorrow #is the stronger emotion and like WHAT even does that MEAN I need to stop #*jean ralphio voice* N-no... That's too much responsibility. ...I gotta find a way out of this... #I am a tactical person in high pressure situations but I have found a scenario I truly stand no chance in any timeline of thinking my way #out of. #*exhausted singing* how am I gonna be an optimist about this #I gotta go to bed it’s way too late to be up I am passing out ginger all TuT :’-]