#it’s such an awful tight feeling

[wewontbesleeping]

I wish I could afford Botox for my tmj soooo badly. I’ve done physical therapy and it helps. I have a splint and it helps. But my jaw is literally always, 24/7, in pain, and it’s getting on my nerves lol

#the migraines are bad too! #but sometimes it’s just sooo. like it makes me upset thinking about it #bc like even when I relax my jaw as much as I am able #it’s still tense #it’s such an awful tight feeling #plus I also think my jaw looks ugly lol. my face has changed so much over the past like 10 years since my jaw has gotten really bad #I need to be better about doing my physical therapy exercises #but it’s just upsetting that there’s a potential remedy #and a potential way for me to just be normal #and I would never in a million years be able to afford it #it’s so ridiculously expensive #and you have to do it so often #I just tell myself it probably wouldn’t work anyways. makes me feel better #my jaw is just extra sore today so I’m mad lol

[little-whats-her-name]

"I can't hear you over the sound of the eight billion glasses and plates clinking, and the very high possibility that I'm going to lose my job, and the fact that everyone at this charity dinner hates me but we have to act nice to each other, and the weird lighting in this room, and these fucking Spanx!" - Katherine Hastings, probably

#she's autistic because i said so #the lighting in the charity dinner is so weird #it's not bad lighting but the spotlights make me think of searchlights #i remember trying on these really firm leggings that my mum has #and my mum was like “remember when you were asking about shapewear because of that show? that's what Spanx feel like.” #and i'm thinking “well that's bullshit; i can see why they made an entire cold open about them; this material is awful.” #also there's a continuity error in that cold open with katherine's sleeves #and it bothers me because when ana posted the scene on her insta; there was no continuity error #but the clips were in a different order in the actual episode #which just goes to show how many times i've watched that cold open #like i love it and i hate it #also wtf were the tight sleeve things for #do people really pay that much attention to women's arms when they're wearing tight dresses? #katherine and ana don't need spanx #and the former shouldn't feel like she needs them #i will die on this very specific hill #that scene in the commercial ep where sadie says something like “women should wear what they're comfortable in” #TELL THAT TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND #on x's insta she said that they were all wearing spanx and could barely breathe #and i'm just thinking about katherine really awkwardly asking dori for help #and dori sending a text to sadie #being like “we will all support katherine. we will all be concerned about her job and be physically uncomfortable together.” #women loving women in a non-gay way #but also in a gay way #sad that i can't tag people in hashtags #because i would love for @harrietdyker to write a fic #american auto #katherine hastings #sadie ryan #dori otis

[frecklystars]

i know nobody is online rn to read this but ;-; i gotta get it off my chest i love ken so much he means everything to me he's making me so happy and i've needed him so so so bad. he's brought me comfort when my ptsd has been so fucking unbearable and every time i'm having a crying fit over losing my tf f/os or every time i'm having a flashback i ALWAYS immediately IMMEDIATELY think about him rushing to my side, holding me and saying "hey hey it's okay, i'm here, i'm right here" and it's such a relief because i haven't been able to genuinely wholeheartedly believe any character would be willing to do that for me the entire time i've been struggling this year.

i've never gone so long without comfort from f/os, much less being triggered by the ones who used to comfort me the most. so to have barbie and ken right now is like the biggest wave of relief every single day when i wake up and the hyperfixation is still there. sometimes i will literally close my eyes and sigh in relief when i hear a song and my first thought is sebastian or ken or six or... whomever. i love being in love again. i NEED this. i love waking up and my first thought isn't my trauma most of the time now, it's ken. or it's six. or it's barbie. or it's harley. or it's officer k. or it's... yeah you get it. i needed these characters so fucking badly. every time i see a gifset and get excited over it, i feel a rush of gratitude bc self shipping has always been the glue holding me together. it doesn't feel as intense or strong as the SB musical or TF used to make me feel but i am not picky. not at all. i will take anything and i'm praying this lasts for at LEAST another few weeks please

i may not be at a sense of peace right now and i dont know when i ever will be, it could be years, but im so. so. so. so so so thankful to have these characters right now when i've needed someone so badly for so long. i hope ken knows how much i love him ;-; i hope barbie knows how much she has helped me, has saved me from one of my major triggers and has helped me to love and feel safe around the color pink again. i wish they could see me when i'm not so broken but i'm glad they're here even when i'm at my worst, i'm glad they still love me even when they deserve to see me in a much better light

#it feels so fucking terrible not celebrating my bday with my starlight. i used to buy myself cakes and put his figurine next to them #i mean i still have... a little bit over one week... i cant... let it pass by without him being involved somehow #so i might make a quick vent doodle and queue it for the actual day of my bday #i refuse to not draw myself with him at least once for my special day #its not like we 'broke up' or anything but fuck it feels so bad #he's a literal fucking ptsd trigger. how fucking insane is that #im still in shock. im still in shock over what happened to me like i cant fucking believe it #wearing his necklace makes me cry so i just leave it on my dresser #that shouldnt be normal!!!! #but im hoping that shipping with barbie/ken is going to help me feel like i can reclaim control over my ships #bc my abuser made me feel like... i had no control over my TF ships whatsoever for a solid year #so now that i'm finally free of that toxicity i'm still shakily trying to learn how to ship again #i'll have moments where i'll worry ken will try to hurt me on purpose bc im so used to my abuser telling me how abusive any f/o would be #but then i tell myself 'hey what the fuck. this is MY story. NOBODY would abuse me i dont care WHO they are' #but it's so hard to unlearn several months of abuse 😔 #and even harder to look at a character who i invested so much time and energy and money into #my voice clips. my cameos. all of my steve blum autographs. my art for steve. all of it feels sad and numbing #not just stsc but everyone in any TF universe feels like... a threat and i get panic attacks when i see very specific characters sometimes #its awful. it hurts so bad. i love ken so much. but nothing compares to what i had with my TF comfort characters #but it's okay bc... ken is holding my hand and he might not understand ptsd at all but he can still squeeze me tight #and six HAS c-ptsd he GETS it. and he's there to hold me when my nightmares make me fall apart. he's my rock #vent #ptsd #sorry it's 5am i had a bad nightmare and now i refuse to sleep again #i fucking hate ptsd i fucking hate living like this i rly wish i knew how to cure myself #im exercising im eating and drinking often im sleeping as much as i can #theres only so much i can do #when does it get better?? when the fuck does it get better? im serious. not rhetorical. when does this finally heal #i dont even know if im healing or if im just distracted... but fuck ill take anything

[brainrotdotorg]

oh im like. for SURE Not going to make rent for the rest of my lease term am i huh. fuck .

#head in my mf HANDS bro #commissions are open......... lmfao #i do not want to make an ebegging post because if i really am careful with my spending then #i should be fine. but i know its gonna be tight #i hate having to ask my parents for help it makes me feel awful #once i get a job this summer it should be easier #but for now since im a student and i cant super work a job bc of. my courseload #if you can commission me i would really really appreciate it ;-;

[ohnoaname]

The struggle of dressing up for the occasion AND keeping it weather appropriate AND sticking to the gender presentation you want today

#the occasion is going to a theatre and the weather is -25C #My two dressing options were either my warmest jeans (looks awful with a jacket) or wool tights and wool dress (warm #and cozy) #But I REALLY didn't want to wear a dress even tho it looked really good I just didn't feel like anything very feminine #so I compromised with wool tights underneath normal not really warm trousers #it felt awful but it was warm and not too feminine so there is that #ohnotalking #this post is from yesterday drafts I was just too tired to post it yesterday #idk sometimes you just don't want to be a femme even if usually it's fine #for some reason I have a FEELING that someone is going to misinterpret this post good thing I'm shadowbanned

[sevens-evan]

instagram won't stop showing me facial hair content and i gotta say some men shave like absolute psychopaths. just scrubbing a disposable razor up and down their face like it's a makeup sponge or something. if i tried that i would literally peel my entire face like a vegetable. i already absolutely shredded my chin and lower lip today shaving with a gel and a fresh razor in single strokes like a normal human being

#evan says shit #i should really just buy an electric shaver and commit to the stubble look #maybe just wet shave my neck since that shit looks Insane #i also can't put on my moisturizer since i'm bleeding in four different places and my whole face feels tight it's awful

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is #all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much #because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions #mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect #and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it #it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter #but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but #mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read #cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about #how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron #separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward #the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not #allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i #talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand #so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday #and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having #a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself #sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like #reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for. #the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it #doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of #ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put #myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing #unrelated

[lilyimmsim]

walking past old friends is like. i know everything about your life. i know nothing. i love you so much. you mean nothing to me. i can recite your coffee order and i search for you everywhere and your laugh lingers in the back of my mind and i look for you every time one of our inside jokes are mentioned and i never want to see you again and we are so different and i can’t remember your birthday but i know your mother’s middle name 

#i know them inside and out #i know so little #i know too much #i want to put as much distance between us as possible #i want them to hold me tight and go back to the way it used to be #i know their fears and their favourite song and i know nothing and their passcode is no longer what it used to be #and there is so much that will change #there is so much i no longer know #its such a relief #its such an awful feeling

[the-pea-and-the-sun]

its almost summer its like 90 degrees out why are all these men wearing jeans and tshirts. where are the crop tops tank tops and booty shorts. men need to start showing some skin

#im a hypocrite btw going outside in shorts literally makes me feel like im naked #i wear tight ass tank tops now though thank god #shuddering as i remember all the summers i would sweat it out in big ass jeans and a thick black tshirts #and would come home drenched in sweat #i used to think summer jus had to be the awful kill urself season if u were fat #then i realize i too can simple wear Less Clothes

[hummingbirdswords]

.

#most days I feel like my emotions are broken and missing #and I wish I felt things with enough intensity for me to notice the differences between my different emotions #but then those days (like today) where I get hit with The Sads I am glad for the days when I'm mostly numb bc this is TOO MUCH #every minor thing is making me feel awful #my chest feels tight and I can't stop crying -- and I'm not used to crying bc of my feelings #like i need to watch sad things and listen to sad music for eye maintenance basically 😂 just to make sure they don't dry out #but today I've cried so many times that my eyes must be so confused

[rashfordian]

daily shuffle ting 📸

#im having a mid crisis when im not even middle aged n i dont wanna go back to school #good day and good night. i wanna sink into the floor #bc a football club i decided to support with my heart n soul has betrayed me n i dont even like to watch games anymore #also im reading a drarry fanfiction like im 13 again. #and my skin is awful. and and and im having a crisis n so many emotions that i dont even know where they stem from #i cant even smile properly anymore ive been facial training again bc ive slacked during covid n now — #i dont know how to my eyes have expresseds n i dont know how to smile or look like i care and i TOOK A HARDER HISTORY CLASS FOR NO REASONNN #I DONT EVEN LIKE HISTORYYYYYYYY #and i hate everything n ive been avoiding all my friends n texting ppl less n im just in a Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #i feel worthless n disgusting n my first thought when i wake up is 'i gotta take my acnetame and maybe if i deserve it i can shave my legs' #i naired one of them— my right. she is smooth in ways she hasnt been in a while. my left? chewbacca #n my school changed my passwords for my canvas so now tmr at 1:30 !! I GOTTA WALK UP THERE N GET MY NEW PERSONAL INFORMATION #the clothes i bought i didnt rlly like. but i just wanted to leave the store n make my grandmother happy. now im going into the school year #with clothes i hate n they dont feel gpod and theyre Not the right texture theyre too tight. But not in ways i love theyre too Tight. #n i .s.msneenen all my shoes r blk !!!! theyre all blk !!!! #sjsndjddjd and my hair !!!! my hair!!!!@ sjdjdjdu #God i just wanna lay in my room take showers n rot #roll around and hit myself on my headboard so hard i go into coma n i miss my entire year #n then i fuck off to hershey for chocolate bars and chocolate bags #cant even scrapbook right itsall paint its all paint n aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh im in agony bc im not even saying whats rlly wrong with me #im focusing on the little problems and not the one it stims from. Like a web but if the spider only hang off the edge n never the middle #n everyone keeps talking at me n when i respond they yell at me for everything n i get pushed to the side #bc they hate whatever i have to say for whatever reason n wtv ig i hate them back. always pushing me down fuck them fuck them get out. #n now my friend is texting me her stuff after never speaking to me unless she has a problem #Anyways. sorry sorry. im whining im complaining im really depressed rn n def not in the right headspace to post any of this #or talk to anyone who is reading this. this probably doesnt make sense i left holes in my sentences #so sorry super sorry #that is a photo of me as a baby btw. it is the only one. please love her and maybe tell her she has nice eyebrows. she'd love that #we always take rlly good care of our eyebrows. thats a rule. we just plucked them today #anyways. see you. ill post hp gifs later n forger i ever felt bad to beginning. all of the best.

[queeranddepraved]

I so fucking deeply hate both my brain and my body... which leaves nothing of myself for me to like or at least tolerate.

#dont read these tags... #im just screaming into the void.... #fucking gained a bunch of weight between Thanksgiving and christmas #and now my clothes dont fit the right way #and everything just feels wrong a #and my autism is screaming because clothes that are too tight are a sensory nightmare #and everything is just awful #i dont wanna be alive right now

[sanguith]

Oh, your top surgery is in a few days? Congratulations! Or, pre-congratulations? Congrats that it's soon?

yes!! thank you!! literally on wednesday. i've been waiting for a long time tho, and it feels unreal that the day is almost here. it feels both like a dream come true AND a literal dream, because top surgery & having a flat chest has been this weird unattainable goal in my mind, a concept existing only within the uncertain realm of the future for so long. just a fantasy-dream in my head. something i've daydreamed about, imagined myself having, blissfully floating in a false cloud of ecstasy for a brief moment but then gotten slammed in the gut with nauseating disappointment upon remembering that "it's just a dream". but it's not a dream. it's happening soon, literally in a matter of hours, a two-digit quantity of hours now. it's still an eternity away, of course, and feels like more of an eternity the closer it gets. time stretching real weird. but it's happening, and all i have to do is wait a little more.

#i feel like a little kid waiting for christmas #im gonna be able to wear all those tight shirts that have just been sitting in my wardrobe forever? #im gonna be able to not always wear a cardigan or shirt-jacket on top of regular t-shirts? #im gonna be able to taKE MY SHIRT OFF IN FRONT OF PEOPLE? IN PUBLIC?? #WITHOUT feeling awful in the most indescribable way??? #absolutely unreal. i almost feel dizzy thinking about it. #but in a good way #yes i will absolutely at some point (probably several) look in the mirror post-recovery and just. fucking cry my brains out. #txtpost #pomrania #ask

[protectorsoftheearth]

I am once again thinking about imogen

Just thinking about how she said laudna saved her life, how she's talked before about not knowing how long she would have lasted

Just the terror she was enduring before laudna dealing with new unfamiliar powers, dealing with terrifying dreams, dealing with being isolated, ostracized and hated, feared. It's just so much to go through and then on top of all that, because of that she starts becoming depressed and anxious, afraid of her own mind and the new dark things it's telling her. Having to grapple for control of her powers, terrified of ever stepping wrong, having to have such control to keep everyone else's voice out, but then having your own turn on you.

It getting bad enough that she starts to think it would be better if she wasn't there, better if she was just gone, and no one would care and it would be fine and she doesn't need to live anymore. And that being terrifying because when did you stop wanting to live, when did you lose control of your own mind so much that this is where you're at now. Having the presence of mind to know that you're not there yet, you're not about to do anything about it, yet. That lingering thought, yet, hovering ever present, knowing that it's coming and not being able to stop it and not having control.

That coupled with dealing with this alone and knowing your powers are somewhat tied to your emotions, knowing that you are not in control of your emotions, but having to be, having to be so controlled because if you stop for even a second something bad will happen.

Just the way that she stared into that abyss and everyday took a step closer, knowing oblivion would eventually come. And before it could, before she got too far, there comes Laudna, honest and kind and full of light and hope.

#sources include #i mean have you seen her and also #overwhelmed #wild horses #ghosts that we knew #talking about how bad it got before she knew laudsn #talking about how laudna saved her life #her just lying in the sand having fallen from an airship knowing that she might have to fsce that darkness alone again #and now she has such a tight control of herself #out of fear of her powers #fear of losing control #fear of her own mind because she doesnt ever want to feel that way again because its awful #critical role #cr spoilers #imogen

[coffee-bat]

pov you got a lil stressed :(((

#(and ripped the skin off half your fingertip) #i have to write a lot today but it feels so fucking nasty :(( #it's like the wound simultaneously hurts and is numb. like touching a burn. and the skin feels idk tight? stretched? like you shouldnt usei #:( #personal #vent (ig?) #mild gore #injury cw #idk how to tw this #dermatophagia #dermatillomania #bfrb #sorry for unexpected finger vent but im feeling awful and mom only provides 'its your fault so i have no sympathy' talk #and like yes i did that but. i have very little control over it its not on purpose #its like you try to bite off a part that sticks out and bothers you but when you do it just makes another stick out #so you pull again and again another part bothers you #so you have to 'polish' it. again and again #and before you know it you have no skin left on your fingertip

[crayonurchin]

I think I got Covid for the first time

#I HAD SHIT TO DOOOOOOOOO DAMNIT #I feel awful ;A; #My head hurts my body hurts my lungs are getting tight #I mean... yay it took over 3 years to finally catch it #but also DAMNIT I had planned things that were important >:(