#plus I also think my jaw looks ugly lol. my face has changed so much over the past like 10 years since my jaw has gotten really bad

[wewontbesleeping]

I wish I could afford Botox for my tmj soooo badly. I’ve done physical therapy and it helps. I have a splint and it helps. But my jaw is literally always, 24/7, in pain, and it’s getting on my nerves lol

#the migraines are bad too! #but sometimes it’s just sooo. like it makes me upset thinking about it #bc like even when I relax my jaw as much as I am able #it’s still tense #it’s such an awful tight feeling #plus I also think my jaw looks ugly lol. my face has changed so much over the past like 10 years since my jaw has gotten really bad #I need to be better about doing my physical therapy exercises #but it’s just upsetting that there’s a potential remedy #and a potential way for me to just be normal #and I would never in a million years be able to afford it #it’s so ridiculously expensive #and you have to do it so often #I just tell myself it probably wouldn’t work anyways. makes me feel better #my jaw is just extra sore today so I’m mad lol

[mirukutchi]

Attempt 2 at writing this lol bc the first one got deleted by accident

I wanted to add my experience to that last post I rbed, bc it resonated with me, particularly the first part where men will call eachother 'girl' or 'feminine' as an insult(this is the only part im commenting on as i am not a transwoman so i have no input on that part of the post. )

I have pcos. I always have. I have a very strong masculine face/jawline. I always have. Ive always had a deep voice, as someone who was born a girl and identifies(at least in part) as a girl. I want this to be known bc its context lol

Guys are not the only ones who misgender as an insult, or to dehumanize others. Girls do it too.

When i was in elementary school i didnt have female friends bc all of them would laugh at me and say they didn't want to be friends with an 'ugly boy'

When i would go to the bathroom in-between classes, other girls would push me out, or yank me out physically and say that 'ugly boys' are not allowed in the girls bathroom.

My mom always made me have short hair, and she always made me wear jeans(and boy shirts bc they are more durable than girl clothes. This part was. Okay. I guess. I liked pokemon and ben 10 so my little brain didnt understand.) I was not allowed to have long hair and i was not allowed to wear dresses or skirts(ever since i was little ive wanted to wear only dresses but i was not allowed to...)

I talked like a baby(high pitched voice) for a good part of my childhood bc i knew that my voice was ugly and deep. When i started to go to speech therapy, i started speaking ""normally"" and my voice got so deep... i remember one of the last times i used my baby voice it was with a teacher and another student, and the student said "hey teacher, listen to (deadname?)'s REAL voice, she sounds just like a boy!"

That was a defining moment in my life.

In middle school, when i still wasnt allowed to have long hair and dresses, girls in my health class would look at me and laugh and whisper about how im actually a boy, and that i shouldnt be there. My face started changing too, my jaw got stronger... my voice got deeper.

I think in highschool people were too focused on other things to really bother me too much, plus people *generally* by that time knew me as a sweet and quiet person, not to mention i was the 'art kid' so that gained me some friends lol, also by highschool i was allowed to grow my hair out, down to my butt almost! And i was allowed to wear dresses and skirts and leggings(mostly leggings at that time bc i was still super skinny lol)

After highschool i had a crisis and shaved my head and tried out being a guy(ftm) but it was, personally, an identity crisis. I didnt know who i was, i had been abused, emotionally and sexually, all through high school by a guy i thought was my friend(i wish i had left sooner...) so i was struggling with what was 'me' plus i thought to myself 'everyone calls me a guy anyway so fuck it' but it gave me advanced dysphoria to be a guy :/

My hair is long now. Past my butt, i can sit on it. I only, exclusively, wear skirts and dresses. I wear a skirt to work bc i begged them to let me(i have autism and pants are a sensory nightmare but also i hate the way i look in them also i will look more like a guy)

Do you know how often i get misgendered? Admittedly not often, but it still happens. Usually its kids, but sometimes i get people calling me 'sir'. I want to scoff and be like 'how can they mistake someone with long braided pigtails and a dress for being a man' and then i remember my childhood.

Also im not writing this to detract from trans experiences, im writing my own experience as a woman-thing with pcos(if you dont know, it basically means that the cysts on my reproductive organs cause me to produce extra testosterone and not enough estrogen) who has frequently been misgendered by other girls

I want to clarify that im also only responding to the first part of the post, im not trying to say my experiences are in some way comparative to trans experiences!

Terfs do NOT touch this post ill shoot you on sight!!!!! Pew pew!!!

#pcos #my nyas

[maxattack-powell]

The Freshman 1-12

Book 1 - 12

Chapter 12: The Birthday Girl (Part 2)

Masterlist - go here for other chapters and related original fics

Disclaimer: The following are fics (adaptations from actual game chapters AND original works) to Choices: The Freshman and The Sophomore stories. It is a fictional adaptation. I do not work for Pixelberry Studios, the game developer or own the rights to the characters Chris Powell, Nicole or any other IN GAME character. All of the ORIGINAL characters, storylines and events were developed for my adaptation of The Freshman story.

Comments: I enjoyed playing Choices The Freshman… and then I found this awesome group of people and their works - I’ve loved it all, very much so. Deciding that I wanted more interaction than the options allowed, I’ve gone through the first book, chapter by chapter (omg painfully slow) to follow the story (95-99% I’d say) and add to it as I felt would benefit.

Basically, I wanted to include certain things that weren’t really full fic size worthy, adding to the story. However, I did add some full size fic moments also… some are included in cannon chapters, some are their own full chapters in between. I wanted to see MC and Chris through their freshman year… with more angst, fluff, sweetness, real life and overall detail. So, if you like that pairing then you’ll be satisfied, otherwise sorry James & Kaitlyn fans lol. I even added some parts from Chris’s POV, so that we have a chance to see what he’s thinking, knowing what she experienced.

There will be ADULT and/or NSFW moments in certain chapters - this is a warning lol. I will try my best to make it obvious as it occurs…

Paring: MC x Chris

POV: ~MC~ or ~Chris~

~MC~

Chris and Becca cut through the crowded club as they make their way over to the group of friends. Zack yell-whispers so only their immediate group can hear. "Incoming drama in three, two--" He snaps his fingers and points. "Hey, guys... what are you all doing here?" Chris looks around the group, hovering his gaze on each person anxiously. Becca scoffs loudly. "Who cares? Tonight's supposed to be about us, Chris. You can see your roommates any old time." Zack apparently has had enough of Becca, standing to look directly at Chris. "Really? Cause it kind of feels like we never see you anymore, Chris." Abbie's face twists with disappointment and disgust. "Yeah, it's only Kaitlyn's birthday... but I guess that's not a big priority for you." She motions towards Kaitlyn who's nervously chewing on her bottom lip, her expression overall an anxious pout. Chris's face falls, his shoulders sag slightly when he realizes. "Oh, crap... I totally forgot. I'm so sorry..." He clenches his fist, bringing it up to his chest.

"It's fine. Really. Don't worry about it." Kaitlyn breaks her eyes from them, looking down at the table. Chris takes a step forward, shaking his head. "No, it's not fine. I'm sorry I haven't be around more. It's just that things have been kind of weird between..." His eyes flicker to MC, giving her a meaningful look. His actions earn MC an evil glare from Becca. MC clears her throat. "Well, Chris... I'm not the one who's making it weird. But if that's how you feel, I guess we should just steer clear of each other." Becca steps up and grabs Chris's arm. "Well, I will. Come on Chris... let's go find somewhere with a little more privacy."

She tugs at him until he lets out a small sigh, searching MC’s face for something. His jaw clenches as he breathes out forcefully through his nose, his eyes pleading with hers. MC can only stand there, noticing a look of regret cross his face before Becca finally succeeds on leading him away.

She turns her back to them as the club is only so big and if she didn't, Becca would make sure to put Chris on display in front of her. MC was mad, hurt, and basically tired of all of this. Every time Chris told her he wasn't ready, she tried to listen. She tried to give him space and stay away. But he would come back to her, initiate affection between them like he never said anything to the contrary.

Those moments with Chris felt so… real. So raw and honest. MC swears she could feel the sincerity in his words, in his touches, and in his lips. Yet here he was, with Becca, the succubus. She squeezes her eyes tightly, fighting back the emotions that were threatening to spill over. The feeling of loss was prevalent. Kaitlyn tosses back the rest of her drink and slams the glass on the table. "Ugh, I can't believe they're here on my birthday!" She hisses in the direction they were last seen. Leila, not understanding the situation, interjects. "I mean, this club is open to the public... it's not like you reserved it."

MC flinches, knowing what's about to happen while feeling sorry for Leila’s innocent observation, however glad to have a new distraction to focus on. "Yeah, I know that, Leila." Kaitlyn spins her head, glaring at her. "Aren't your friends, like, wondering where you are?" Abbie joins Kaitlyn, her tone cold and unforgiving. Not missing their attitudes Leila responds in turn, her face turning ugly. "No need to be nasty just because you're jealous of me." She narrows her eyes slightly before turning towards Tyler, her mood drastically changing. "I'm going to use the restroom, Tyler. Dance with me when I get back?" Completely caught off guard Tyler reacts with only a second's thought. "Yeah, sounds good." He swallows hard, trying to survive the unpleasant environment. Kaitlyn shoots MC a look and whispers to her. "This is our big chance. Abbie needs to make a move now or she could loose Tyler forever!" MC nods and leans over towards Abbie next. "Hey Abbie, ask Tyler to dance while Leila's gone. This might be your last chance…” She trails off, brows knit together tightly. Kaitlyn and MC watch as Abbie glowers after Leila as she disappears into the restroom. She quickly downs her drink and turns towards them both with a look of determination mixed with anger.

"You know what? I think I will!" She forcefully sets her glass on the table before standing up and stepping towards Tyler. She grabs him by the wrist, pulling him onto the dance floor. Tyler's mouth falls open as he looks at her in shock, not putting up a fight. "Where are we going?" Abbie turns her gaze to him momentarily and speaks with a huff. "Were dancing, okay? Just go with it!" "Woo, get it Abbie!" Kaitlyn cheers and laughs from her seat. Zack sits up straight with a surprised look on his face. "Where did that come from?!" He jerks his thumb towards Abbie. MC laughs at his befuddled expression. "I may have old her to steal Tyler while Leila was out of the picture..." She winks at him. Kaitlyn laughs and hugs MC. "You are officially my hero." The three of them watch from their booth as Tyler and Abbie dance close together, nearly touching. Kaitlyn doesn't budge except for her growing grin. "Should we give them some privacy or keep staring?" MC nudges her playfully. "Let’s try to find something else to look at..." She sweeps her arm across the expanse of the entire dance floor. Her movements jerk to a halt and she lets out a deep gasp that is swallowed by the music, as she sees Becca pull Chris into a passionate kiss. Her hand falls limply to her side. "Or not." Zack grimaces as he sees it as well. His repulsion quickly replaced with a sighs as he sees a previous issue return. "Uh oh, Leila en route!" Leila marches across the dance floor toward Tyler and Abbie, her fists balled up in anger. MC shifts on her feet next to Zack, chewing on her thumbnail. "This could get ugly..." He nods in agreement and Kaitlyn gives her a look. They all get up to join Tyler, Abbie and Leila on the dance floor, hoping to defuse a potential explosion. Tyler sees Leila storming into view behind Abbie. "Leila!" Her face scrunches up with anger. "Yeah, remember me? The girl you said you'd dance with tonight?" MC steps closer to them, trying to place herself in the middle as a buffer. "Let's all just calm down, okay?" Abbie scoffs and shakes her head. "It was just one dance, Leila, it's no big--" "Shut up Abbie!" Leila shrieks, intuiting her. "You're so obviously jealous of me, it's pathetic." Kaitlyn immediately bristles. "Hey!" Zack becomes irritated, his usually pleasant face turning dark quick. "Not cool." "That was totally uncalled for, Leila..." Tyler steps between Abbie and Leila, his face twisted with anger. Leila doesn't care. "Sure, take her side. She's only interested in you now that she can't have you, Tyler. Anyone can see that." She flicks her hand at Abbie wildly. Tyler clenches his jaw, his anger dissipating into a frown. "I..." He closes his eyes and hangs his head. "I guess I can't argue with that." Abbie looks as if she was physically hit by his words. "Tyler, that's not true!" He turns to her and looks up to meet her eyes. "Really? They why did you turn me down earlier?" Abbie frowns deeply, her eyes apologetic. "I didn't understand what you were asking, I'm sorry!" Tyler shakes his head and breaks eye contact, his face turning into a sneer. "Right. Whatever, Abbie. I'm tired of being played with..." MC steps in, unable to watch them tear each other apart. "Tyler... Abbie's telling the truth." Abbie looks at Tyler, pleading for him to look back, but he doesn't, keeping his gaze down he sighs. "This is all way too confusing. I think I need to be alone for a while." Leila shakes her head and grinds her teeth. "Fine. If you ever figure out what you really want, give me a call." She storms away, disappearing to another part of the club as Tyler goes to the bar to get another drink alone. Abbie's shoulders drop. "Well... that wasn't exactly how I wanted things to go, but at least Tyler knows how I feel." Zack pats her on the back, still reeling by the recent events. "And Leila's gone, which is always a plus in my book." Abbie sighs. "I think I'm going to sit down for a while, too... I'm not really in a dancing mood anymore." She turns and heads back to the booth. MC frowns. "Let us know if you want to talk, okay?" Abbie acknowledges that she heard with a wave behind her, never turning her head back to her friends. "Will do." Zack turns towards MC and Kaitlyn. "So..." Feeling the awkwardness he pauses. "What should the three of us do?" Kaitlyn perks up, trying to salvage the night. "Let's dance! It'll be fun. Especially if we grab a few more drinks on the way!" She hauls them both over towards the bar where she orders drinks for them all. After a few drinks and some time out on the floor, MC looks towards the door and spots a familiar face. "Speaking of which... look who just walked in, Zack!" Zack's mouth about hits the floor. "Brandon!" Brandon walks up to the three of them, a huge smile on his face as he addresses Zack. "Hey. MC told me to come by. That cool?" Zack melts as he tries to maintain his composure. "Very cool." Brandon's eyes crinkle as his smile grows. "Wanna dance?" Zack laughs. "God yes. Let's go!" "Just one second, actually... gotta talk to MC real quick." He steps towards MC for a little privacy as Zack gushes with Kaitlyn. MC tilts her head. "What's up?" Brandon leans in and whispers into her ear. "Just wanted to thank you for making this happen. I'd almost given up on ever hearing from Zack." "No problem. Just make sure you take good care of him okay?” She raises her eyebrow at him, daring him to do otherwise. “Now go dance!" She laughs through her smile. He nods at her. "I will." Then turns to grab Zack's arm and they head deeper into the dance floor. Zack mouths a thank you at MC as they drift to the center. Kaitlyn comes up and nudges MC with her elbow. "Nice work, MC. You're becoming quite the little matchmaker." MC acts innocent. "Who, me? I barely did anything." Kaitlyn's smile fades to a neutral expression. "Do you want to rest for a bit? These shoes are not great for dancing in..." She wiggles her feet for emphasis. "Yes, please." MC gasps. "My feet are killing me too." They find a bare patch of wall away from the dance floor to lean against, watching the silhouettes of figures moving to the beat, their faces briefly illuminated by flashing lights, basically unrecognizable. MC leans close so Kaitlyn can hear her. "So... how's your birthday going?" Kaitlyn happily nods. "Mmm... it's pretty good. I think that has more to do with drinking than anything else, though." She giggles. MC looks at her questioningly. "Yeah, you we going hard earlier. Are you feeling okay?" Kaitlyn looks out across the crowd. "Better than okay. Just... glad to get off my feet for a bit." She starts to slip down the wall so MC reaches out and catches her. Kaitlyn slumps into MC's arms, laughing. She then throws an arm around her waist to steady herself. "Oops... sorry." "Do you want to sit down?" MC points back towards the booths. "No, I'm good, I promise. Besides, I like this. Standing here..." She looks up into MC's eyes. "...with you." Kaitlyn closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "Kaitlyn, I feel the same way." She flashes Kaitlyn a friendly smile. Kaitlyn's eyes flutter open, and a big smile spreads across her face. "Really?" "Of course." Kaitlyn turns to face MC, leaning her head against the wall. Her knee grazes MC's just below the hem of her dress. "MC...?" MC didn't notice the physical contact while leaning on the vibrating walls. "Yeah?" "You know how I said I wanted to get my courage up for something?" Kaitlyn's cheeks turn pink in the dim light. "Yeah..?" MC looks at her expectantly. "This is what I needed courage for." Kaitlyn sneaks her arm around MC's waist and pulls her in close. MC suddenly realizes what's about to happen and gently pulls away.

Kaitlyn's eyes pop open, looking startled. "What's wrong?" Her face turns sad. "Are you... are you not interested in me?" MC is torn, not wanting to hurt her best friend. "I..." She takes a deep breath. "I'm not, no." She gives a small apologetic smile. Kaitlyn's face falls. "Oh no. Did I... did I just ruin everything? I did, didn't I?" She gasps and cries out. "I'm such an idiot!" Tears start to glisten in her eyes as MC pulls her into a tight hug. MC rubs Kaitlyn's hair. "You didn't ruin anything. I just... didn't expect that, that's all." Just then MC notices a familiar face out of the corner of her eye. James looks at her shocked. He quickly turns on his heel and heads for the door. Torn again, MC frowns. "Kaitlyn, I'm sorry, I... I just spotted James leaving. I invited him here tonight so I should at least say hi..." Kaitlyn takes a step back, her eyes searching. "Did... did you invite him, like, as a date?" MC gives Kaitlyn a small smile. "No, just as friends." "Okay, well... don't keep him waiting on my account. Seeing as we're 'just friends' too..." She refuses to look at MC. “Kaitlyn... I'm sorry, okay? I... I didn't know that tonight would turn out this way." MC sighs. "Well, sorry if I made things inconvenient for you." Kaitlyn's face scrunches up with irritation as her eyes flicker to and quickly away from MC's. MC frowns. "Let's talk about this later. I'll be right back, okay?" Kaitlyn's head hangs low as she barely nods. "Okay..." MC turns and makes a beeline for the door to catch James out on the sidewalk. "James, wait!" He turns and looks at her, somewhat not surprised. "Oh. It's you." She raises an eyebrow at his curt response. "What's that supposed to mean?" He huffs loudly. "I don't know, MC. What was any of this supposed to mean? You ask me to come out tonight, and then I see you and Kaitlyn about to--" MC wildly shakes her head. "I didn't plan for that to happen! Kaitlyn just tried to kiss me out of nowhere!" He rubs his head and sighs. "Well, can you blame her?" He sucks in a deep breath. "I mean, you're--" "I'm what?" MC wasn't sure if she was about to feel flattered or offended. James takes another deep breath and turns away from her. "You're trouble. You know, you get so down on Vasquez for causing all this drama in your life, but it's not just him." She takes a step back. "What are you saying?" "You love it just as much as he does. Maybe more, even." He stares her down. MC gasps at his accusation. "That's not fair! I--" Chris suddenly bursts out of the club onto the sidewalk, looking around frantically. "MC!" As soon as he spots them he runs over. James just shakes his head in disgust. "Great, another one of your conquests. See what I'm talking bout, MC?" Chris gives James an incredulous look, his mouth hanging open. "This isn't about that!" His intense eyes turn to MC.

"MC... it's Kaitlyn. She's passed out right at the bar! She's totally unresponsive." His brow creases with worry as he gasps for air. "What?!" MC is about to take off when James grabs her wrist, stopping her in her path. "Chris, stay with MC and call an ambulance. Show the paramedics inside when they get here." James sets his eyes on the front door. Chris nods at him and pulls out his phone while MC tugs her hand from James, attempting to follow. "Where are you going?!" Chris quickly grabs her wrist with his free hand, his eyes locked on to hers as he speaks into the phone. James starts taking steps away from her quickly. "To check on Kaitlyn. Trust me, I took some EMT classes last summer. I know what I'm doing." And then he was gone. Chris lets go of her wrist as she sinks to the sidewalk, barely hearing him on the phone with the emergency line. A crushing sense of dread begins to take over. "Yeah... Shade, the club downtown. We'll meet you outside. Please hurry." Chris hangs up the phone and sits down on the curb next to MC, his face drawn with concern. He turns to watch her as she begins to speak. MC's eyes stare blankly into her lap. "This is all my fault." She says quietly. Chris frowns as he watches her collapse. "MC, that's crazy... you can't blame yourself for this." "But I can, Chris!" She cries out and turns to face him, torment streaking across her features. "She only drank this much because she was nervous about..." Chris’s eyes narrow as he notices her pause. "About what?" "About..." MC turns away from him, shaking her head instead. "...never mind. You wouldn't understand." Chris gently picks up MC's hand from her lap. "Actually I would."

She looks up to his beautiful blue eyes and he continues. "MC... I kind of saw what went down between you two. It's not your fault, okay?" She closes her eyes and hangs her head low. "Sounds nice when you say it, but... I'm not so sure." "Well, I am." He gives her hand a squeeze before letting it go, wrapping his arms around his folded knees and letting out a frustrated sigh. "By the way... I'm sorry Becca and I came here tonight. We didn't know you'd be here." He glances at her without moving his head, trying to do so without her noticing. She clenches her eyes tightly as she covers her face with her hands, whispering into the dark. "Tonight should've been perfect. How did everything get this messed up?" "I don't know, MC..." He replies, also barely above a whisper. "But so long as we're all together, we'll get through this." He looks to her earnestly, hoping she will look back. She slowly lowers her hands and turns to inspect his eyes, searching for the Chris she knows is inside. "So... you're sticking around?" He gives her a small smile. "Of course. That's what friends are for, right?" Any fragments of hope she may have had about ‘her and Chris’ flew out the window with his choice of words. She takes a long, slow breath in and turns her head away before closing her eyes. "Right." Seconds later they hear the sound of sirens as flashing red and blue lights of the ambulance illuminate the city street. Chris jumps to his feet and reaches down, offering his hand to MC. She quickly turns her head and pretends not to notice, somewhat struggling to get off the curb in her tight dress without assistance. MC wrings her hands together over and over as she stands nearby, waiting to see them bring Kaitlyn out of the front doors. "Please let everything be okay..."

~Chris~

He studies her face, her hair, her dress… thinking to himself that she looks amazing tonight. That its a shame everything had gone so… wrong.

"Of course. That's what friends are for, right?" Chris gives her a small smile. He tries to comfort her, reassuring her that he would be there for her and the others. But he can instantly tell that he said something wrong, making her feel even worse.

He frowns as she takes a long, slow breath and turns her head away from him while closing her eyes. "Right." Seconds later they hear the sound of sirens as flashing red and blue lights of the ambulance illuminate the city street. Chris jumps to his feet and reaches down, offering his hand to MC. She quickly turns her head, struggling a little as she stands from the curb in her dress without his help. He shakes his head a little, realizing she probably saw that he tried but turned it down anyway. MC wrings her hands together over and over as she stands nearby, waiting to see them bring Kaitlyn out of the front doors. "Please let everything be okay..."

Chris moves to stand next to her, as close as he dares without making her upset, trying to provide comfort with his presence.

#chris x mc #TheFreshmanChronicles #Chris Powell #chris powell x mc #Christopher Powell #The Freshman #the sophomore #thefreshman #thesophomore #choices #choices fanfiction #playchoices #choicestoriesyouplay #choices stories you play #choices the freshman #choices the sophomore #choices the junior #tf/ts/tj

[cliche-ish]

Be comfortable in my own skin color

I was born with darker skin than most people in my country and than my culture’s beauty standard. My family and neighbors called me by the nickname “Đen”’, which means “dark skin” in a negative way and also the black color in my language. They even made up a chant that included all the worst quality possible of multiple body parts. It was something like “Bald head, protruding forehead, short nose, dark skin, slanted eyes.” Is that a haiku lol? In my culture, it is believed that you should not call a baby “cute” or “adorable” no matter if the baby is cute or not, because that can jinx it. Yup, calling a baby “cute” is believed to be all it takes to turn the baby into an ugly looking monster later... Instead, it is preferred to always call babies “ugly”. So even though I had none of those characteristics but the dark skin, that chant was my life theme song for a while. At least that was the reasoning of the people I grew up with. That chant was sung to me up until I was about as young as I can remember, maybe 4 or 5 years old. After that, the chant stopped, except for the dark skin part. The dark skin matter haunted me up to high school. 

In Vietnam and most East Asian countries, people are obsessed with having fair, pale, light skin. That is THE beauty standard for Vietnamese women. Beauty salons and cosmetic spas offer a wide variety of skin whitening procedures and products. Dark skin also means ugliness. It is the last thing you want to have if you are a girl or women there. What is worse, it was deemed to be associated with lower social status. People saw my dark skin and made rash assumptions (did I see a pun?) that I was poor and not well educated, because I had to work outdoor, laborious, manual jobs as a kid to help the family. That’s the stereotype. One time I went to the dentist for a quick simple procedure. During the procedure, the dentist said my skin was so dark, I must come from Miền Tây, which is a region where many people were poor farmers back then. (Reminder, I was born and raised in a middle class family in the biggest city in Vietnam, went to the top schools, and the only work I really had to do was homework and some housework.) I felt so offended, yet couldn’t correct her because my mouth was help open by a cheek retractor.

I saw many TV ads about skin lightening lotions and cosmetic procedures. I was still a teenager, so I could only ask my Mom if she could buy me the lotions. It was a big deal, because at that time in our culture, teenage girls were usually not allowed to use any cosmetic products, like makeup, hair dye, or nail polish. So I gathered all my courage to ask her to buy me those lotions. To my surprise, my Mom agreed to buy and let me use the skin lightening products. She probably wanted the best for me. I did use them, but didn’t really see any improvement. I thought it was probably because I was an active, sporty, outdoorsy girl who was out in the tropical sun the whole time lol. So my skin was still dark, and I was teased all the time. When I was little, I was so sad. When I was a little older, I just laughed along on the outside, but came home and cried alone in the bathroom. There were days I felt so shitty and so insecure about the way I looked, wondering why I was born like this. Once I became insecure and conscious about my appearance, it spiraled and more stuff was added to the list of things I was ashamed about: my fat ass (I have a pear-shaped body), my weird jaw (I have an asymmetrical face, you know, like a normal person), my body hair (who doesn’t have that), etc. That list got expanded quickly, as my self-esteem was shrinking substantially.

I started to gain a tiny bit more confidence in high school. I saw a few women on the street rocking their tanned skin with great sense of fashion and bold choice of color, looking like they were joyfully living their lives. Even though they loook different from the many other women out there, their confidence was beaming radiantly, and so I thought I wanted to be like that one day.

But it was when I moved to the U.S. that I truly became confident about the way I look. No one in the U.S. really teased me about my dark skin any more. People even approached me and complimented on how pretty I was. That never happened! I never thought of myself as “pretty”. That was when it hit me. Back in Vietnam my tint was somewhere further towards the end of that normal distribution of skin shade spectrum. That does make me more uncommon but in no way abnormal or ugly. But when I left home and moved to the U.S., a beautifully diverse country, I got shifted to somewhere in the middle, more common area of the spectrum. My point is, the spectrum, the standard, the perception of beauty, they’re all relative and changing all the time. It’s never going to be enough if I keep on chasing these ever-changing standards. I cannot be super skinny while also have an ass. I cannot have light skin while also getting that summer hot tan look. And every body is different, so what works for you might not work for me. I can’t let a few people decide what I and all billions of women in the world should look like to get the world’s approval. What best determines my worth is how I perceive myself. I am pretty and happy when I feel pretty and happy about myself. I’m in shape. Pear’s a shape. Body hair is not abnormal. It’s there for important functions, and we’re more closely related to chimpanzee, not dolphins. 🙂 Each and every part of my body is important, functional, unique, and a part of me. I appreciate them.

My appearance has changed a lot in the past few years, not because it finally adheres to new, updated beauty standards, but because I have learned to love myself, be comfortable in my own skin, and make myself prettier and healthier for me. I look up on what type of clothing fits my body shape. I cut my hair short, because short hair fits my personality and makes me feel like me. I eat right and work out to stay healthy, not because I want to get rid of my fat thighs. I appreciate and love my dark brown skin more than ever before. I look healthy, glowing, and sun-kissed without even trying, and never get sunburn. I mean, what is there to be upset about? I care less about what people think or comment on my appearance, if it is not objective or constructive. (i.e. “Why don’t you wear more makeup?” versus “I have this lipstick color that I think will fit you great.”) I spend more time enjoying life now rather than worrying over things about me that I think people think. I also realized people don’t really pay that much attention. It was just me paying too much attention and scrutinizing my own flaws. I learn to appreciate the diversity of body shape, and strike down those stereotypes or biases that being slim means healthy or being plus-size means you cannot be sexy or healthy or strong. (There is a scientific study about how body type is not a good indicator of health.) I look perfectly fine, and I will never let anyone tell me I am ugly, or not worth it, or not going to make it, because of how I look. And because of how shitty those mean comments made me feel, I promise to never let anyone treat others the same way, to say “I love your [...]. It’s pretty.” when I find something about someone pretty, and to be mindful and every time I am about comment on someone’s appearance.

There have been hopeful, progressive, and empowering changes that took place to challenge the culture based on toxic beauty standards. Several days ago I came across a news article about a decision made by Johnson & Johnson to stop selling skin-whitening creams, as a response to the Black Lives Matter movement. But it is also a great win for women in these countries, as such products had been feeding the toxic culture and the media that shames women for their look.

Recently, my Mom told me about a Vietnamese woman named H’Hen Niê. She is a Vietnamese beauty pageant who was crowned Miss Universe Vietnam 2018, and she was slaying it! She was widely recognized and loved by the Vietnamese people as she smashed every single Vietnamese beauty standards for being a minority with short hair and dark skin. Models who are plus-size, wear hijabs, have skin defects or disabilities are showing up more on American brands where I shop for my clothes. Finally, there are women on covers and who represents and advocates all girls and women of all shapes, sizes, colors, and cultures. Representation matters, because you can visualize yourself there, it’s easier to get there. This is so that more young girls and women would see “There’s someone who looks like me and she’s killing it.” Hopefully, they would feel less worthless, ashamed, and insecure about their features that society should not get to judge or label, and more inspired and empowered to love themselves and be proud of who they are. We have come a long way, and we still have a long way to go and a lot to do, but I’m optimistic that we are on our right track to building a better world for many young girls and women. 

Photos of kick-ass women: Left to right, H’hen Niê, Zozibini Tunzi (South African woman to be crowned Miss Universe 2019 who has been openly advocating and celebrating “black girl magic”), Halima Aden (first Muslim model to wear hijab in Sport Illustrated Swimsuit), Thando Hopa (firsl albino model to be on Vogue cover), Winnie Harlow (internationally recognized supermodel with vitiligo), Ashley Graham (plus-size model, covergirl, and TV presenter who hosts a section on the Ellen DeGeneres’s site, theellentube.com)