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toastsnaffler · 6 months

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in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....

#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know 🤭#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space #like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else #other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh #to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn #i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding #and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt #unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow #and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation #abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol #and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever #and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress #i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes #like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up #a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl #ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs #im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> 🛌#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo #.diaries #zzzzz

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arctic-hands · 10 months

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You: A patient sometimes if at all

Them: A chronic patient

Me: ✨ Forever Patient ✨

#all this time I've been saying I've been sick since i was 4 and said as much on a vidcall with my folks getting out of the hospital #and do you know what they said?? they said 'honey you've been sick longer than that'!!#and I'm over here in my little screen window like. 'wat.'#like i remember getting the flu right as i was turning 3 and as far as i remembered i started screaming in pain about a year older #which makes me wonder if that flu gave me some long flu shit and that's why i am #or if it was even the flu at all because there was *a* coronavirus going around that year so maybe they all do long disease?#epidemiologists get on that and credit me in your papers #anyway so I've been saying I've been chronically ill twenty-six years of my thirty year existence #which apparently was a bald faced lie according to them i was almost always sick so like #thirty for thirty. maybe not thrivin' by my own stubbornness I'm survivin'#what am i supposed to do with this knowledge #just chronic illness things

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bunnihearted · 8 months

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🚬🧸🧃🎀

#anyway so yeah im so sick of hating myself. of missing out on things and being too scared to go after things i want when i have the chance #so sick of almost being 25 and having spent almost 6 years alone in my room missing out on life #and my mom and sister might be moving in the not too distant future #so i have to try to get my life together for real now!!! or homelessness will be awaiting me :D #what i will try to do.. is start going to the gym (w my mom so i dont have to deal w the anxiety of an unknown place by myself sksk)#i'll workout 3-5 times a week. every week. i like going to the gym so if i just get started i dont have a doubt i'll not be able to do it #i'll focus on finishing my english class. hopefully in december even if i have the possibility to get it extended a few months #then i'll start my other 4 classes in january #i'll be patient and wait for my ultrasound and get the gallstone situation fixed (latest in january if i need surgery)#(and i have to try to make sure i eat properly so i dont wind up with b12 deficiency... i cant eat anything without pain but i have to..)#also i have an appt at the psychiatric in mid october. and im still waiting on what my healthcare center says. hopefully i can get cbt #if possible i will really really try to apply for jobs as a personal assistant sometime between january-may #if i have a job instead of being on wellfare i will 1) have way more money 2) not feel constabtly anxious abt being rejected and homeless #i'll stop caring abt me being 'old' and a late bloomer. the planet is dying. who cares if im 28 and start university????#i'll take my time to finish high school. and the thing is i really should get a job before starting higher vocational education #bc the program i want to start i HAVE to have a laptop. and theres no way i can afford that now. cant even save up to it #also need to find and put myself up on waiting lists for student housing/apartments so i can actually move #i hate this city and i need to get the fuck out of here!!!!#but the world is crazy rn and it's super hard to find places to live and find jobs but it's not impossible so i need to try #i cant live like this & i have no idea how tf i'll manage to be a normal person and have a life but i need to try bc what else am i gnna do?

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chiropteracupola · 2 years

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king of wands / six of wands

#em draws stuff #henry v 1989 #le roy d'armes des françois (dit montjoye)#and this was extremely fun and quick to draw which surprised me #I wonder if working on a canvas 1/4 the size of my usual one helped with that at all #usually my canvases are around 4000x4000 but I am rapidly running out of space on the ol' ipad #soon it will be just a piece of metal that runs autodesk sketchbook since I keep deleting its other functions to free up space #proper art notes. everything below the waist costume-wise is my invention since. y'know. absolute potato quality reference pictures.#may go and borrow the dvd for better quality screencaps and perhaps some costume pictures in neutral lighting #excuse my questionable french as well please #and regarding the tarot part I almost did page of pentacles for montjoy because They Have The Same Silly Hat #but six of wands had a more fun composition and a strategy I agree with on If You Don't Want To Draw The Horse Just Hide It Under A Blanket #....the idea of getting just the montjoy half printed on a shirt or something whirls through the mind. I really really do like it #and I could take the texture off and allow it to redevelop as the printing inevitably starts to flake! there's a fine plan there!#having a funky good time with this still although it feels like I broke into an abandoned grocery store and am trying to get it operational #despite that it is just me by myself in here stocking the shelves with bizarreties

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seilon · 9 months

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got another job interview tomorrow. pray 4 me

#it was originally for a busser or server job at a cocktail bar in a luxury hotel but the manager on the phone seemed like she wanted to #interview me for the position of host so. yeah #I’m a little intimidated by that role because I am not the most social person on earth to say the least but. I may be able to get used to it #and I will admit. I am kind of motivated by the pay and tips from being a host. cause holy hell it’s 18 bucks an hour plus tips #and that’s plus tips at a 4 star hotel. where the menu is pretty pricy and the people coming there Well Off.#I didn’t really consider that before but hhhhhhh……………that sure is enticing #hoo boy but anyway. a little nervous about this interview cause I’ve never done a host or server job before #but my conversation with the manager over the phone seemed to go pretty well i think so hey #kibumblabs #oh yeah I also cut my hair short last minute and i can’t tell if that was a horrible idea or not yet #it’s not nearly as finished as I’d want it to be but. here we are I guess #I havent legit cut my own hair (let alone this Much of it) in like. a couple years now I think #I think it looks fine but I’m just hoping I don’t regret it #I know it’ll grow out again eventually but idk #I did this kinda impulsively because of the job interview tomorrow. like I was kinda worried for such a nice place they’d be a little #picky with their appearance preferences and like. I didn’t want it to look like my hair was overgrown and unstyled like it was + most of #the bleached parts are cut off now so it looks a little more sophisticated I guess #but also I’ve been getting a little dysphoric lately because I haven’t been passing despite being almost 2 years on t and I think my hair #being longish wasn’t helping #now you can see my jawline and the haircut is more traditionally masculine and etc so. praying I am not called ma’am or anything at the #store or whatever anymore.

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kohakhearts · 6 months

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cons of going to a “good schoolTM”: insane workload, unbearable classmates, next to no support when you have any kind of extenuating circumstances Including literal hospitalization, etc

pros of going to a “good schoolTM”: the 9-5 lifestyle is genuinely a major improvement

#taylor.txt #the extenuating circumstances point was not me btw. i know someone who had his degree delayed an entire year because of two weeks in psych #we’re in a co-op program or else maybe it wouldve just been one semester but. lol #i hate it here…i hate it #but hey…at least i have the world’s shittiest health insurance!#some of my classmates say they dont feel like working full-time is easier than going to school full-time but it so is #for me. anyway. even when i fumbled my time management bad on the field and make no mistake i was incredibly busy plus i chose a field #notorious for Unpaid Overtime and Taking Your Work Home. even then. it was still easier than this #i would never do undergrad again. i loved everything i learned. i took interesting and awesome classes #but i would never ever do it again. miserable overworked spent most of it friendless until i got on the field #i have a friend who keeps being like idk how you did 4 physics classes this sem and im like girl we are education students…thats an average #semester for a physics major. how must THEY feel #also i have to say just you know. generally. ive worked full-time while living with my parents #AND while living alone. and 50 hours a week was incredibly manageable in the former arrangement. i even wrote and edited an entire novel #in the beginning stages of a pandemic while working 50 hours a week of retail and fast food hell. 40 hours full-time with weekends off #while living alone though? thats hard. i still managed to go to the gym almost every day #currently? i cant get out of bed in the morning. i am putting in 12 hour days and then goinng to bed unable to sleep because im so stressed #i have dreams about school. tangentially theres a really good marxist poem i read last year about this phenomenon in workers #ANYWAY. i have just 8 more days 4 exams 1 research paper and video project #i think i can pass and then thats it. my next semester is hell but just because scheduling the actual classes will be easy #and then i get to go back on the field and actually want to wake up every day. lol #and 8 days from now i will have my christmas shopping done and my apartment will be clean and i will be a fanfic writing machine #also my friends and i booked a demolition room so im sure that will be beneficial kfldjfldndks

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figuerockfaeth · 2 months

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I NEED TO MOVE OUT NOOWWWWWWW

#i woke up at 3 pm bc this was my 1st day ‘off’ in forever #and when i went to grab something to eat our back door was fully open and my car was nowhere to be found #cat*#so i freaked out and started looking outside but when i realized she wasn’t there and my roommate also wasn’t recently outside #i knocked on her bedroom door and she was like ‘oh sorry i was asleep do you want me to help look’#YES i want you to help look what are you talking about #eventually i found her bc my cat is the best girl in the world and never left our yard- she was in the crawl space under the house #but not only am i pissed she let my car out then took a nap #but we don’t live in the safest city in the world and while we were both sleeping our door was fully 90 degrees open #so now not only do i feel like kevin (cat) isn’t safe here but I don’t feel safe sleeping here anymore #the lease is up in july and i finally get to leave #this girl is a random roommate my former roommate found to replace her #and the whole process/experience has been awful #i just have to survive 4 months #during the summer i might keep paying rent but fully leave and go live with family #bc my school isn’t in driving distance of any of my family #now i’m thinking about asking someone if they’ll take kevin for a couple months bc im so sorry about her #but my dad has a dog that doesn’t love cats and my best friend is allergic and my mom lives in another state #personal #delete later #also this is unrelated BUT every weekend without fail she does laundry at an insane time in the morning #and our washing machine is the loudest washing machine i’ve EVER heard #and of course it’s right against the wall of my room #not hers #i only get two days a week to sleep past 630 am and she almost always ruins it

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seenthisepisode · 2 months

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#i am close to tears - beware there is a rant about my life in the tags ahead so watch out - it's nothing VERY serious but it's... well #also this is literally about supernatural convention so it's not like a serious problem but it is a problem for me personally #so anyway last year when they announced misha for purgatory con 8 in dusseldorf i was like yes yes yes and i bought the tickets because:#1. i had a whole year to plan a trip 2. going to spn con was this little dream of mine because i've been in this fandom for years so #so i thought hey i deserve a little treat. i want to and deserve to go to a con and they just announced misha and i'd love to go #(and then they also announced jensen. and then jared too so like all 3 main guys will be there so !! a Treat !! yay!) and also Why Not #because it's in germany so it's the closest i would ever get a convention because i am from poland [*] no conventions here sorry #so i was like yeah the stars seem to have alligned yeah AND I BOUGHT THE TICKET. and the thing is SOLD OUT. and 3 main actor men are there #and a lot of mutuals that i'd finally love to meet maybe if they feel like it or whatever but i'd love to meet tumblr people so there's tha #and now. i just spent 3 hours after work looking for flights and everything. and. the conclusion. after 3 hours of looking at every possibl #way for me to get to Dusseldorf at the days of the con. well. the conclusion is i have no way to get there. and i am stuck.#and there are flights and they are not even that expensive. but the HOURS are horrible. i checked different airports and even looked at #flights to dortmund and i literally have no way to get there in a way that makes any sense... because arriving at 4pm on saturday is #too late. and the other option is being there at 8 am - cool - but i have no way of getting to the airport at 4 am. i'd have to take #additional day off from work (not an option). and i literally don't know what to do. it's almost 1 am and i should be happily asleep and i #am trying to solve this problem lmao because on one hand i really want to go and i want to figure out a way to get there 1. on time 2. in a #way that won't cost me 1/3 of my paycheck ; and on the other hand i just want to email the organizer to return the ticket or resell it to #someone because i know there will be someone who wants to go because the event is sold out #WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS HARD......#AS I WRITE THIS I AM FULLY AWARE THIS IS SUCH A FIRST WORLD PROBLEM i know!!!!!! fully aware!!!!#but i just :(( really wanted to go :((( but i am slowly leaning towards the option of not going :((( because money and time :((#and the kilometers between me and the con place :(((((#personal

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aturnoftheearth · 1 year

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girl who literally has a destiel event going on for the next two weeks: i think i might be done with destiel

#i can’t tell if it’s like. a little bout of seasonal depression or what but i get this way almost every january #where i don’t like any of my interests anymore and revert back to shows/music/etc from like. 7 years ago #and i feel like i spend way too much time here and i don’t get enough enjoyment out of it like why am i being so negative about so many #posts ???? i can’t even scroll on my dash bc i’m just annoyed so often like that’s Not Good #and idk i just realized i spend like. 16 hours a day either completely on here or frequently checking and i regularly stay up until 4/5am #even though i’m more of a morning person and i think it just makes me feel worse lol #so like. yeah spending 80% of my day on here and not even getting enjoyment out of it big red flag moment #anyway that’s why i logged off for like. two days. and i’ll probably log off again i just didn’t want to disappear without explanation

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argiopi · 1 year

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welcome to the bell parade

7 6 2 5 4 7 3 2 5 1 4 4 7 4 7 6 4 (when i was a young boy) 6 74 6 7 67 4 53 (my father took me into the city) 6 7 6 54 3 (to see a marching band) 4 5 7 4 764 (he said son when you grow up) 674 6 7 67 4 53 (would you be the savior of the broken) 6 7 6 54 3 (the beaten and the damned)

(notation is only somewhat reflective of timing lolz). the limited palette necessitates a bit of wrongness.. for instance the first B (third note) is supposed to be higher than the other notes but adapting to the lower B sounded better than using the only other higher note - the A7. alas, tis the nature of shits and giggles 🖤

#MCR #I stayed up until 4 AM on christmas eve (christmas day i suppose) to do this.#MUSIC IS HARD.. I AM NOT A MUSICIAN (YET?)#i bought a kalimba recently and one of the melodies i've learned is..... the opening to black parade !!!#since i realized it's a fairly simple piano melody and went O_O I Could Play That so i did.#and now here tumblr is giving me another instrument.. waow...#mods please i would pay to keep this blessed thing #or i suppose i could just. install a software which lets me program my number keys to notes. and have a more flexible range of notes..#but that lacks the whimsy of Playing Music on Tumplr Dot Com 🌈#So anyway i saw my chemical romance live on tour this summer owo #I GOTTA BRAG ABOUT IT HEH #THEY WERE SO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#legendary show.#unforgettable. i think i almost passed out trying my god damn best to dance in the aisle #me and my buds rolled up in our best emo attire #we did make a hot topic run at a mall on the way before the show.#i also made a tractor supply run. what the hell can you wear from tsc to a concert? i will leave it to mystery.#my setlist had mama B) i would have been so sad if not.#okay now i am just reminiscing good night or not i'm gonna fiddle with a couple more tunes and try to not get absorbed.#I WANT THE BELLS UNTIL NEW YEARS AT LEAST. PLEASE #on the kalimba i like to transition from zelda's lullaby into WttBP... lullaby (or at least the part i've been playing??) ends on #the same note parade starts on. it's funny

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prolibytherium · 6 months

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"I'm going to use this weekend to finally do some more worldbuilding art and stuff" [IMMEDIATELY GETS SICK AS A DOG AND DIES]

#Why must I get sick every 2ish months why me. It's only 9pm and I want to sleep (for reference I'm almost always awake til 4 am minimum)#I've been sitting on like 10 low efffort iasip drawings for 2+ months waiting til I have blightseed content to space it out but #might as well just dump them at some point soon here. I'll jsut do it on this blog tbh

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riwrite · 6 months

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pros of living with another cosplayer: enables and encourages each other to work on our costumes and has fun doing it together cons of living with another cosplayer: forget to do my other hobbies

#im exaggerating abt the cons its really nice living w someone as enthusiastic abt it as i am :)#its just what ive been up to the past few days #we've been doing a lot of problem solving and research and stuff bc its our first time making specific armor pieces #also when i lived with my parents it was almost impossible to start my projects before a month from whatever con i was going to #and here me and my roommate have just started getting ready for sakuracon in the spring #which is so nice. ive stayed up til like 4-5am thursday of the convention trying to finish WAY too many times in the past #( if anyones curious we're doing zagreus and melinoe hadesgame and a soul eater villains group w other friends :) )#‧ miscellaneous. → 「 out. 」

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innanzituttoticalmi · 10 months

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i've decided my august project will be finally walking every street in the historical city center on foot. i started today wandering up and down strada maggiore/via santo stefano/a bit of via san vitale and in between alleys and side streets.

pics of things and stuff i saw on the way