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#it’s actually insane to me that I AM the bad person here
dazednmatthews · 3 days
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your like genuinely such a talented writer like your works are so well written they literally PUT me in a slump because when I read other fanfics they aren't as good and I fear that I won't read anything good till you post again 🙏
omfgggggg????? this is so sweet like thank you so much <3 i’m honored as fuck
i’ll give u my fav writers and recommendations on here that make me feel the same way!!
1. @sugrhigh boy next door actually my holy grail and my favorite thing ever. so descriptive and high quality if u haven’t read it u WILL be kicking ur feet. jus gon head and read the whole masterlist cause ANYTHING she posts is quite literally a masterpiece WHEW
2. @tastesousweet the girl with the tattoo is my favorite matt series i’ve read on here. like i am so invested and attached it’s insane. the way she writes matt is so 🫦 i genuinely think abt that fic every day. amazing
3. @plasticferal my all time fav one shot is take it or leave it. i’ve read it maybe 78 times and now that im thinking abt it im going to go read it again. another person with such high quality writing i be really feeling like y/n in that bitch
4. @rootbeerworshiper my love sienna gets down she don’t PLAY. she’s on a writing break rn but the works that she does have are soooo breathtaking. thrift store and make it up are personal faves!
5. @55sturn don’t even get me started. the song picks, the fics the whole acc like im in LURVE!!! feel it on the way home and snap out of it have me tweaking constantly!!!
if you haven’t read anything from them i suggest you do a deep dive cause that shit tewwwwwwwwwwww good! love all my pookies down BAD
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dangermousie · 2 days
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I haven’t been posting about Rebirth of a Star General but I have been steadily reading it and am about 190chapters in.
I will have to update my fave het web novels list because this is AMAZING.
QSCK most famous novel is, of course, Rebirth of the Malicious Empress of Military Lineage. It’s very well crafted and I enjoyed it (it’s probably the novel I like the most out of “OP reborn protag gets revenge and settles inner courtyard grudges as her OP ML watches admiringly and occasionally assists” genre) but my emotional investment and involvement was nil. The mains were too OP, inner courtyard scheming is something I have no interest in (I don’t watch harem dramas for a reason) and because FL woke up in the past before all the bad stuff really happened it opens the usual can of worms about punishing people for things they haven’t done yet (the sole novel I’ve seen actually tackle that issue was Rebirth of a Tyrant’s Pet which went on my fave list because FL wakes up as a kid and instead of getting revenge on kid versions of her first life husband and his brother who did her in first time around goes “well they are fucking kids, why the hell would I go after kids?” and actually had a sane plan of having different interactions with them that would not lead to the same outcome and that works! Not to mention she sees her brother in law who killed her in life 1 horribly abused and saves him because - once again - who on earth is OK with child abuse? Anyway, digression.)
I’ve seen people comment repeatedly that Star is not at all like this author’s typical novel and for me that is a great thing. Except for talent with weapons and formations (because she has experience from her past go-around as a general!), FL has no superpowers. Nor is the bulk of the novel dedicated to revenge - yes she wants it and eventually gets it but it’s like 10% of her time at most - like a sane person she spends the bulk of her time in living her new life - trying to make a career in the military, save various places, she acquires new friends and in a very very slow burn fashion, a new love interest.
And the thing is - her revenge would make sense here because unlike in most of those set-ups, she’s not reborn as herself younger or w/e - she wakes in a body of a young woman right after she herself was killed in life 1 - so that means the narrative continues linearly that way - any revenge is for acts actually committed in this timeline and characters have to deal with the fallout.
Oh, and the ML is not insanely OP either - he’s a very capable general and smart (yes, it’s general x general, mmmm!) and of course, this being a QSCK novel, he’s gorgeous, but he doesn’t have insane OP of eg Military Empress hero.
I am insanely invested in these people because we see their wounds and their slow growth (unlike in a lot of these novels where protags don’t really change much) and the secondaries are amazing too. So good! I hope the drama is half as good.
Speaking of, stills of the mains from the filming:
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sincerely-sofie · 20 hours
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Chapter 1 of Sofie Plays "Slay the Princess": The Hero and the Princess
Into the insanity.
[ Beginning ] - [ Previous Part ] - [ Next Part ]
I like that we have a little bird talon as our cursor! Fun detail. I'd like to use custom cursors in my own visual novels someday.
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Awww! This line is going to come back to bite me, isn't it.
THERE'S VOICE ACTING?????? DANG IT. Now I kinda wish I waited to record myself playing through this game like a let's play... alas. We persist with a playthrough journal comprised of still images and bullet point notes :<
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Asked the Narrator how a princess locked in a basement could be dangerous enough to end the world and now I just want to have a perpetual sleepover with the gal. At the very least, we can give her some company while she's down there. Right?
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Asked the narrator for details on how she'd end the world and now he's calling me a sheeple. RUDE.
Question: Does the Princess have actual powers that allow her to enforce her will on others? Or is this just the Narrator being anti-princess? or anti-this-Princess-in-particular?
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I INSTANTLY DISTRUST THIS MAN. He's going to gaslight me to heck and back, isn't he? He already is, I just know it.
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Told the narrator I'm going to meet the Princess before I make any decisions about executions. I'm doubting myself so bad. Is he the manipulator here? Is he genuinely warning me against the Princess being the true manipulator? He sounds uber bitter and I want to know their history.
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Narrator, honey, I'm glad you've got a bit you're committed to and all, but I don't want to meet someone new whilst holding the means to end them. Forget taking the blade, I'm taking my sweet time getting to know this poor woman.
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Okay yeah the Narrator is 100% not a good guy. That last line made me question whether he was voicing the Hero's thoughts, but the tone he used while saying it makes me feel like he's just working really hard at applying for the role of Intrusive Thought #4 Understudy.
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THESE DIALOGUE OPTIONS ARE KILLING ME. NOOOOOO DO NOT LIE TO HER WHEN YOU SAY YOU'RE HERE TO SAVE HER!!! THAT'S MEAN!!!!!
Told the Princess "Uh hi I think I'm here to slay you? Question mark?" and she responded with this:
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The Narrator immediately followed up with the below. Go kick rocks Narrator. I want to at least be polite if I'm going to kill someone.
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Can't decide whether the Princess is playing at the role of innocent victim or not. We operate on innocent until proven guilty laws here, though. So I'll act accordingly.
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Just met the Princess and the Hero is INSTANTLY simping for her as the Narrator looks on in distaste. Straight up "HI WIFEY" nonsense. I like this couple.
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Oh my word he's a dork. I love this character.
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Told her about why I'm supposed to kill her and I'm 100% believing what she said. I don't care if she's going to sprout fangs and disembowel me with her teeth or anything, I adore this gal.
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Oh no. She accurately read my thought process.
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Okay so here's a theory: The Narrator really hates monarchies. Which is fair. But this seems very personal for him, and he keeps bringing it up, like the Princess deserves to die for the sin of her being a princess. Is this some kind of worldwide magic anti-monarchist government overthow situation? I know that's definitely not the case but I am grasping at straws to understand his motivation.
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I asked her how she's been eating or drinking when I'm apparently the only person she's seen in a very, very long time, and she dodged the question, and the Narrator backed her up. This lady is 100% not human. The Narrator is itching to get me to kill her and is sweeping over what the Hero perceives as a plot hole, because from his perspective, he knows it isn't. She's not human. Jotting that down for later.
I told her that we could do the perpetual sleepover thing I mentioned earlier and I'm realizing how callous of a solution that is now that the Hero is all like "Yay I came up with smart solution! Win-win! Go me :D"
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The Princess and Narrator both shot down the sleepover solution. Poor Hero.
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The music just cut out. She's doing the anime mean girl thing where she examines her nails. I'm having regrets.
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I'M STRAIGHT UP NOT HAVING A GOOD TIME ANYMORE, GUYS
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On the one hand: I could lock her in the basement and leave without killing her with my own hands. But with the abrupt change in tone I am no longer confident that this woman isn't going to chew off her own arm like a coyote in a trap so that she can escape and do... whatever it is she intends to do. I'm not sure that's exactly ending the world. But I'm leery of it regardless. She doesn't need food or water apparently, so she likely wouldn't die if I left her alone down here, which just further cements the idea that she's going to do anything necessary to get out.
On the other hand: I could kill her directly, and try to be merciful about how I do it.
On the OTHER other hand, I could free her, but I no longer feel safe around this woman.
I've been staring at these options for so long guys I'm so worried about making the wrong choice. I know that the opening screen said there's no wrong decisions but like. STILL.
Okay, decision made. She's definitely taking the self-dismemberment route if I leave her here, and she's definitely coming after me the second she's out. I'd rather try to make this quick than go through the exceptionally frightening scenario I'm envisioning in my head. Hopefully she's nice about inevitably overpowering me in the subsequent struggle and stabbing me afterward.
Hey, you guys know how 3D horror games will use 90 degree angle blind corners in order to facilitate jump scares? I think I just realized visual novels use line breaks to accomplish the same goal, and I'm scared to progress to the next line.
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SHE IS GOING TO CHEW THROUGH THAT ARM AND I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE ASAP.
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I CALLED IT I CALLED IT I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT HAVING CALLED IT SOMEBODY PICK UP THE PHONE BECAUSE I CALLED IT AND NOW I NEED 911 ON THE LINE
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Oh cool beans! Reality warping! Let's gooooooooo
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Yeah no she's definitely got reality warping abilities. I figured that if she doesn't need to eat or drink she wouldn't be able to bleed to death after losing an arm, so I closed the door behind me... and it locked.
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Decided to try and wait her out while she lurks in the shadows and now we're LARping Sans and Chara as I fall asleep.
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I chickened out and entered the dark to confront her. It went very well for me!
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Oh... I don't like that title.
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See you guys in the next chapter! I am scared :)
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persephoneflouwers · 2 months
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Anyway, free Palestine from z*onists, liberals and slothful hearts.
#if you’re still putting zionists on my dash#at this point I will just say you’re uneducated#but since it’s basically impossible to be uneducated on a phone recorded genocide#i will only say you either don’t care or you live in cognitive dissonance#and if you don’t care there’s nothing I can do for you#but if you care and you decide to ignore#then what are we even doing?#honestly that’s what I call privilege and chronically online activism#and fine it doesn’t matter to you bc this is tumblr and whatever#(seriously you don’t care that scumbag of Ben W*nston recruites young people for the IOF?#really you dont care the Az*ffs finance the IOF?)#seriously you don’t care about where you money goes? i dont believe it#what your money does? i don’t believe it#what drives absolutely insane is#people like me who speak up about this and call them (H L) out for the wrong things they fucking do#are ACTIVELY silenced and alienated blocked and hated on here#it’s actually insane to me that I AM the bad person here#when your fave goes grocery shopping with people who will put an bullet in a palestian child brain if they have a gun on them#(which they obviously do since they’re ✨*********✨)#I AM accused of being a hater. I AM accused of being the bad guy#i wish this was a joke lol#and I know people will hide behind and anonymous inbox and say ‘stop being a fan’ pr whatever#bc the point IS NOT being a fan at all#it’s that people are being ethnically cleansed from this fucking planet#with the complicity and responsibility of ‘western big democracies’ and YOU have a voice#you have the power of boycotting of speaking up of expressing your disapproval and disappointment#and you are not doing it because it feels safer for you to just support people who already have all the privileges and power and influence#and it’s disgusting really the way people act like this is normal or should be accepted as normal#and if this will be another round of Angie gets blocked by everyone in fandom so be it#i’m tired of being silenced and censored in this place
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quietwingsinthesky · 21 days
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youtube stop recommending me that five hour long “fall of doctor who” video challenge. there is not a video i could be less interested in watching.
#the youtube clickbait hyperbole is not doing it any favors. im sure there’s nuance in the video. maybe.#god there must be its five hours long.#but i do not think i am interested in a video that wants to be about ‘the fall’ of doctor who when. far as i can tell. seems more like#occasionally it stumbles. and that’s about it.#AND thirteen being the doctor that’s on the thumbnail is also not helping. im sure im making assumptions there too and its just that she was#the current doctor at the time but. this is youtube. you have a negative video. and you put a woman on there. i am primed to believe you are#about to say something insanely sexist lmao.#anyway. whatever.#its a me thing. i dont like watching negative epic teardowns™️ of stuff im not finished with myself. and doubly so when im unfamiliar with#the creator and don’t know if they’ll just be stomping and yelling at something for hours with no purpose or if they’ve got. anything#to actually offer. idk. it’s the shovelware lover in me i think. im not interested in someone’s negative opinion about a thing unless i know#they’re the kind of person who can respect that people still had to put months or years of work into it. maybe that work did not have a#good outcome but someone had to do it. the effort is worth being documented and looked at and not. i don’t know. yelled at like you’re the#nostalgia critic you know? im rambling on to much here#this is why the only good youtube video is folding idea’s video on the american tail video game. he gets it. its about how bad art is still#worth existing and being examined. and doctor who is far from being bad. so.#………..where was i going with this. its 4 am.
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hella1975 · 5 months
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i feel like i need to do laps of the house rn i have so much to talk to you guys about and idk where to start
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mossflower · 6 months
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ok i’m gonna set an alarm but it is not the end of the world if i miss the lecture tomorrow
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linagram · 10 months
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[ 𝚙𝚛𝚎-𝚝𝟸 𝚟𝚘𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚍𝚛𝚊𝚖𝚊 #𝟶𝟸 ] 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚊𝚕
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IT'S OFFICIAL THE SECOND TRIAL IS HERE BABYYYYY oh god now they're going to suffer even more
(Warnings: mentions of attempted suicide, physical violence (prisoners get injured and beaten up and also Eiji and Kei's relationship gets mentioned), toxic relationship dynamics and heavy implications of self-harm)
Miki: Eiji-san?..
Miki: Eiji-san, can you hear me?
Eiji: .. Ah, sorry.
Eiji: I just.. I was too deep in thought, I guess.
Miki: I-it's okay! I just didn't expect you to be the one getting distracted this time, haha..
Eiji: What was that?
Miki: N-nothing! 
Miki: B-but seriously, a-are you okay? You've been acting a bit weird lately..
Miki: Did something happen? Y-you can tell me!
Eiji: I'm fine. Don't worry about me.
Miki: .. If you say so.
Miki: So.. You know why we're here, right?
Eiji: .. Yeah. Because of the second trial.
Miki: *nods* I.. I thought it would be a good idea to talk about everything that happened after the first trial.
Miki: Would you be okay with that? I-if you're too tired, I completely understand-
Eiji: No, you're right. We do have to talk about it.
Eiji: There's.. a lot of things we have to discuss. 
Miki: Ah, do you want me to do most of the talking? I can do that-
Eiji: NO! 
Miki: *screams*
Eiji: .. Sorry.
Eiji: I will do it. You can just sit here.
Miki: U-um..
Miki: O-okay then..
*sounds of Eiji getting up*
*sounds of Eiji's footsteps*
Eiji: So.. Many of the prisoners feel like completely different people now. 
Eiji: Some of them are acting like the complete opposite of their past selves and some of them are acting like.. if you took their personality traits, even the good ones, and made them much worse.
Eiji: It doesn't even matter if they were voted guilty or innocent. All of them are equally bad. 
Miki: Eiji-san..
Miki: Are you saying our judgement was incorrect?
Eiji: .. I don't know.
Eiji: Maybe. 
Eiji: No, it would definitely be better if we just voted all of them guilty-
Miki: So that they could suffer even more?
Miki: Eiji-san, I respect you a lot.. 
Miki: But I think a lot of prisoners finally got the confidence they needed this way. They feel so much safer now too!
Miki: Who knows what they would do if all of them were voted guilty..
Eiji: I'm not just talking about their personalities, but their relationships too. 
Eiji: Those who were friends are basically enemies now or their relationships are just much more toxic now. 
Eiji: You know who I'm talking about, don't you?
Eiji: I mean, our relationships with the prisoners are different too now. 
Eiji: .. Let's begin.
Eiji: Prisoner 001, Miyagawa Akio.
Eiji: He got the well-deserved guilty verdict last time and his ideas and thoughts were rejected. Serves him right, honestly..
Eiji: I wish I could say that without feeling worried, but.. I can't do that because of what happened. 
Miki: .. So you are worried about him.
Eiji: Because he was voted guilty, I knew that I will have to punish him for his sins. At first I just wanted to beat him up, but..
Eiji: I-I guess I underestimated how passionate I am about that kind of stuff.
Miki: He got a head injury because of you, Eiji-san.
Miki: A really.. bad one.
Eiji: Guard 002, with all respect I have for you, you think it was bad just because there was a lot of blood-
Miki: ISN'T THAT ENOUGH FOR ME TO SAY HE WAS SERIOUSLY INJURED?
Miki: Miyagawa-san.. He got traumatized both physically and mentally after that.
Miki: If it wasn't for me.. If I didn't manage to stop you before it was too late..
Miki: I think you would have ended up killing him, Eiji-san.
Eiji: ...
Eiji: S-so what? He deserves to die anyway.
Miki: He's only 16 years old-
Eiji: Anyway, about his personality. Akio definitely feels like a different person now, but he still has many personality traits he had before all of this.
Eiji: As I said, his ideas were rejected. Which means we have basically told him.. 
Eiji:"You're not a king nor a god that you think you are".
Eiji: And considering that because of his head injury, it's much more difficult for him to do most things, now he feels like he actually isn't as smart and talented as he thought. 
Eiji: It's hard for him to walk without feeling dizzy and feeling like his head is spinning, so he often needs help when he has to go somewhere. 
Eiji: He's also a bit more quiet now, though he's still very loud whenever we try to talk to him. 
Miki: And for a good reason. You're the reason why he's like this now.
Eiji: Stop blaming me. I wasn't the only person who decided to vote him guilty. 
Eiji: If it really was the wrong decision, then it's our fault, not just mine.
Eiji: He's more quiet now mostly because it's harder for him to talk now. I also almost never see him reading or studying anymore. 
Eiji: .. I-I guess it really was a fitting punishment for a "genius" like him-
Miki: How can you say that?!
Miki: What if that injury really is serious? You know I can't take proper care of him, right? 
Miki: What if his life will get worse because of it? What if..
Miki: .. What if he will die if he doesn't get any help?
Eiji: All of them are going to be executed by me anyway, so-
Miki: HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM??
Eiji: ...
Miki: .. You wanted to talk about everyone's relationships too, right?
Miki: Do it. Tell me more about them.
Eiji: .. Well, Akio never really had any friends in this place, though he could often be seen with Aimi and Riku. I assume it's because of them being high school students, so they got along well, since they all are almost the same age.
Eiji: But if Akio's verdict was "Guilty", Aimi and Riku, on the other hand, were forgiven. 
Eiji: And that has changed their relationship dynamic a lot. 
Eiji: You see, after being voted guilty, Akio started becoming more and more.. unstable. He claims that he hears someone's voice sometimes and he can even see that person. There was a time when Naomi told me that Akio couldn't sleep because he felt like he was being choked by that person. 
Eiji: Some prisoners also say that they can often hear Akio mumbling to himself and Aimi thinks that he's actually saying someone's name repeatedly. 
Miki: .. I-I think I know what's going on here.
Miki: I'm not sure about that voice he hears and that person who has tried to choke him, but.. What if he's actually saying the name of his accomplice?
Miki: That would also explain.. well, that incident.
Eiji: .. I'll ask Aimi to pay more attention to what he says. That information could be useful for us.
Eiji: Anyway, because Akio's hallucinations have started getting worse and worse, he couldn't take it anymore and ended up having a breakdown in front of all the other prisoners.
Eiji: And he tried to ask Riku for help and grabbed his hand and I don't know what exactly he said, since we arrived when it was too late, but Riku did not like it.
Eiji: I'll talk more about it later, but.. After that, Akio slowly walked back to his cell, even though it was still hard because of his condition and..
Eiji: *sighs*
Eiji: I'm assuming he tried to make his injury even worse by beating his head against the wall. 
Miki: .. You know that he had a reason to do that. And it wasn't just about "trying to make it worse". 
Eiji: Fine, what else do you want me to say? This guy is not doing well. That's it.
Eiji: Now, let's talk about the person who stopped him from doing that to himself when we weren't there. And also, the only person he can trust right now.
Eiji: Prisoner 002, Hanasaki Aimi.
Eiji: Ah, the poor girl who was bullied by her entire class. 
Eiji: She was voted innocent and her ideas and thoughts were affirmed.
Eiji: .. I still don't trust her.
Eiji: As I said, her ideas were affirmed, so I assumed that she will try even harder to make friends after this and she won't be so shy anymore..
Eiji: .. But she is actually much more quiet now.
Eiji: She still acts nice and she's still very polite, but now she doesn't really try to become friends with anyone in this prison.. except one person.
Eiji: And that person is Akio.
Eiji: She was the one who stopped him from basically killing himself and she's also the one who takes care of him, holds his hand when he's having trouble walking and I think I also heard her read a book out loud for him once. 
Miki: Isn't she so nice? I still don't understand how such a kind person like her can be a murderer-
Eiji: I wouldn't trust her so easily if I were you. Sure, she's nice to Akio now, but she stopped talking to Riku after she found out what he said to Akio.
Eiji: Just so you understand, she completely ignores Riku now. She doesn't even look at him.
Eiji: She's acting like this with some other prisoners too now: she tries to avoid Yurika and she has also called Asahi out once for his behavior.
Miki: But I think that's understandable?..
Eiji: What I'm trying to say is.. It's kind of interesting, don't you think? Aimi already knew that all prisoners are murderers and she already knew that they are not good people and they obviously have flaws, but when it was the first trial, she still insisted that she likes them all and wants to be friends with them.
Eiji: But now, she doesn't try to become friends with any of them except Akio, who also can't really do anything without her help anymore.
Eiji: .. I feel like I'm starting to see a connection here.
Eiji: Anyway.
Eiji: Prisoner 003, Ishizu Shun.
Eiji: Sadly, he was voted innocent, so his ideas and thoughts were affirmed.
Eiji: Come on, I know you regret voting him innocent.
Miki: .. W-what else was I supposed to do?..
Miki: If we voted him guilty, who knows what he would do and how he would act! 
Eiji: So you admit it? You admit that this guy is unpredictable? 
Eiji: So you admit that this guy is dangerous?
Miki: .. Ishizu-san is just.. 
Miki: .. He's just very hard to understand..
Eiji: He sure is more confident now thanks to his thoughts being affirmed. It's not a good kind of confidence, it's a very annoying kind.
Eiji: Also, is it just me or he doesn't care about his ex anymore?
Eiji: I mean, he openly flirts with both Kei and Eiko now, even though when Eiko herself said that she's interested in him, he rejected her since he's "taken".
Eiji: He also rarely mentions being in love with his ex and now he doesn't even say stuff like "I did this for her! I just wanted her back! I just loved her so much I had to kill her new boyfriend for her sake!"
Miki: Maybe he just.. forgot about it?
Eiji: I doubt it. Though I can't say that him being in love with her was an act, this guy's video showed that he really did care about her in his own twisted way.
Eiji: Although..
Eiji: We haven't actually seen her face. We've only seen her new boyfriend's face and that's it.
Eiji: Maybe we should make him talk more about that guy this time.
Eiji: And also.. now that he's more confident, he refuses to take no for an answer.
Eiji: .. Especially when it comes to Kei.
Miki: ...
Miki: Eiji-san..
Miki: Are you worried about-
Eiji: I'm not.
Eiji: I just find it disgusting how he started to take more and more advantage of Kei now that the guy can barely move. I don't remember him being so "dominant" before Kei got punished. 
Miki: .. So you are worried-
Eiji: I'M NOT!
Eiji: A-anyway, Shun and Eiko are much closer now since both of them were forgiven unlike Kei.
Eiji: .. And they sure like to remind Kei about them being "superior" to him all the time.
Eiji: .. I don't want to talk about him anymore.
Eiji: Prisoner 004, Chiba Naomi.
Eiji: She was forgiven and her ideas and thoughts were affirmed.
Eiji: I guess she's mostly fine, but still.. I feel like something is wrong here.
Miki: Why? Chiba-san is so nice and understanding and she always helps me out when I need advice.. 
Eiji: Just like Shun, she's much more confident now. And why would she start acting like that if she's truly sorry for her sins?
Eiji: She wanted us to vote her guilty, remember? I thought that she would ask us to rethink our decision, but no, she just accepted it and moved on. 
Miki: W-well, maybe she just.. you know, started to see her crime differently? Like, maybe she doesn't think it was that bad anymore?
Eiji: If she's not lying, her victim really was a child. Do you think it's okay to just go "Oh, maybe me killing that kid actually wasn't a big deal"?
Miki: But what if she had her reasons-
Eiji: I don't care about her reasons. She's a child murderer and her victim most likely was one of her students. And now she thinks that her crime wasn't even that bad and doesn't try to make us change our mind. 
Eiji: She says that she simply doesn't try to do it because "we're the guards, so we know what we're doing", but I know she's secretly happy that she got voted innocent.
Miki: .. Again, you're saying my decision was wrong?
Eiji: .. Um-
Eiji: I'm just saying that now we can see that Prisoner 004 actually wouldn't try to become a better person and she actually doesn't think that her crime was that serious. Voting her innocent helped us realize it, so.. 
Eiji: Maybe you were right in some way.
Eiji: Ah, and even though she's still acting like everyone's.. uh, mom, basically, her ideas were affirmed, so now she's more strict with the younger prisoners.
Eiji: If she sees someone misbehaving, she will tell them to stop it and if they don't, she might actually get angry at them. 
Eiji: Though she's mostly nice to all prisoners who are still kids.. except one of them. 
Miki: ...
Eiji: .. Yeah, I'm talking about Asahi.
Eiji: And even though I would gladly vote Naomi guilty this time, I support the way she treats Asahi. 
Eiji: Yes, I know that he's most likely your brother, but you have to admit-
Miki: I-I will talk to him about it, okay? I will.
Miki: I'll prove his innocence to you, Eiji-san. I'll prove that he really deserves to be forgiven.
Eiji: The next prisoner is-
Eiji: .. Prisoner 005, Sanada Kei.
Eiji: He was voted guilty and his ideas and thoughts were rejected.
Miki: .. I still have no idea how you just.. can be so cruel to him without feeling anything.
Miki: He's your brother! If I had to vote Yano-san guilty-
Eiji: Are you telling me someone like him deserves forgiveness?..
Eiji: Guard 002, he's the one who turned my life into a living hell. 
Eiji: He.. He always was weird. And I had to protect him from other kids and people in general because of that. 
Eiji: .. I remember him thanking me for that once. 
Eiji: But then something happened and.. He started beating me for no reason every single day after that.
Eiji: He actually almost killed me once, no, twice! Maybe even more times!
Eiji: He's literally the reason why my whole body hurts all the time, why don't you get it, Miki?! Who cares about him when my body will never truly heal and it's all his fault!
Miki: .. *sobs*
Miki: I'm sorry.. I really.. I didn't mean to..
Miki: It's just.. I'm used to trying to see the good in all people and..
Miki: I thought that maybe Kei-san still deserves forgiveness..
Eiji: *sighs* Listen, I can't deny that I kind of admire that trait of yours. 
Eiji: But Kei doesn't deserve any of your forgiveness and kindness. Trust me.
Eiji: .. He refused to believe that all of this was real and that he really is going to be punished until I actually came and.. well, gave him what he deserves.
Miki: I still remember his cries and how loud he screamed from all that pain.
Miki: But that's.. weird. I thought Kei-san was a much more..
Eiji: Same. Remember him saying that he's not afraid of pain and that he can handle it all or something like that?
Eiji: .. It turned out to be another lie of his. 
Eiji: He's so used to being the one who hurts people that he has no idea what to do when someone hurts him.
Eiji: "More pain means more love"? Sure, whatever you say, Kei. You agree with what our mother used to say only when you're the one who's inflicting all that pain.
Eiji: .. Something is bothering- um, I just find something very confusing though.
Miki: Really? What?
Eiji: For some reason, I noticed that Kei already had a lot of scars on his body even before his punishment. 
Miki: Wait, what?? W-were they bad? Why didn't you tell me?
Eiji: If I did, you would never let me punish him. 
Eiji: Even I got scared, but only a little bit.
Miki: .. Don't you feel at least a little worried for your brother?
Eiji: W-why should I care? Maybe someone just got "a bit too rough" with him or something, I don't want to think about it. It's none of my business.
Eiji: Anyway, Kei still hangs out with Shun and Eiko very often, but now it's not because he wants to. He can't even leave his cell without anyone's help because of how much pain he's in, haha..
Eiji: Ahem, so Shun and Eiko are the ones who drag him out of it and they just make him follow them around. Actually, I feel like now they spend even more time together compared to the first trial.
Eiji: But don't you even think that this guy is just a poor victim and we absolutely have to forgive him this time-
Miki: Should I remind you that he almost got beaten up because of Maruyama-san?
Eiji: I have no idea who I should believe, but she told us that he was acting creepy again and she wanted to defend herself.
Eiji: I don't trust her most of the time, but since it's Kei.. I can see him saying something and Yurika getting mad at him for that.
Eiji: If that was the case, I can't blame her.
Eiji: .. I still can't believe that he actually got saved by someone though.
Eiji: Prisoner 006, Yoshioka Eiko.
Eiji: She was voted innocent and her ideas and thoughts were affirmed.
Eiji: Well, she did thank us for forgiving her, but I'm sure she didn't actually care about her verdict. She's just not that kind of person.
Miki: She is.. very affectionate with you now because of you agreeing to vote her innocent.
Eiji: Yes, and I hate it.
Miki: "Do you though?.."
Eiji: However, I feel like she actually did change as a person.
Eiji: She openly admits that she likes Kei and Shun only because of their appearance, but still keeps them close because she likes the attention she gets from them. 
Eiji: So it's like.. She said that she knows Kei will never "truly" love her and she also said that it would be easy to forgive her because of her looks, but now she agrees that she and Kei aren't actually that different.
Eiji: Also, even though she was one of those prisoners who refused to accept that all of this is a real thing, she has recently started asking me more questions about Milgram.
Eiji: Like, how it works, who created this place, why we were chosen as the guards, all of that..
Eiji: I have no idea why she's so curious about it now.
Miki: Maybe after the first trial was over, she started to realize that this isn't just a game and our verdicts really do have consequences?..
Eiji: Or maybe she just wants to spend more time with me.
Eiji: I don't get it though. I'm not that, uh.. "attractive" and I never give her any attention, so.. why me? Is it just her trying to make me forgive her again?
Eiji: .. No, she's not like most prisoners here.
Miki: But I think you're very pretty, Eiji-san!
Eiji: Um, thank you?..
Miki: Still not my type though.
Eiji: I wasn't even trying to.. never mind.
Eiji: Prisoner 007, Yano Asahi.
Eiji: He was voted innocent and his ideas and thoughts were affirmed. 
Eiji: And, well, he reacted to it just like a spoiled kid his age would.
Eiji: He thought that it was going to happen anyway and now he's sure that no matter what he does, he will still be forgiven, because.. you know, he's a child.
Miki: But isn't he right-
Eiji: Well, that's not gonna happen.
Eiji: I never judge anyone only based on their age. No matter how young or how old they are, I will make sure they will get the verdict that they deserve.
Eiji: And because all of them are murderers, all of them deserve to be-
Miki: I know, you don't have to say that again.
Eiji: .. Huh?
Eiji: U-um, okay, let's talk about how he acts now. 
Eiji: Prisoner 007 is much more confident now and I rarely see him cry or throw a tantrum, though he still likes to use his.. uh, "cuteness" to get what he wants. 
Eiji: However, he's now surprisingly good at controlling his emotions. I have no idea what happened to him, but he's much more polite now and I almost never hear him swear anymore. 
Eiji: Eh, he's probably just trying to manipulate us into voting him innocent again.
Miki: But what if he actually did change? What if he's trying to become a better person?
Eiji: I doubt it. He always has this.. weird smile on his face. Like I want to punch him whenever I see him smile like that.
Eiji: He keeps ordering other prisoners around too, again, he's just more polite about it now and it's harder to tell that he really is just using them.
Eiji: I should mention something about his personality and his relationship with other prisoners. Now that Akio is no longer as narcissistic as he used to be, Kei can't even leave his cell without anyone's help and.. we'll talk about Riku later, Asahi and Shun are basically the most "powerful" male prisoners now. 
Eiji: However, Shun is still disliked by mostly everyone and they don't really like Asahi either, but it's hard to deny that this kid is much better at making everyone believe that he has "changed" and that he really is more nice now.
Eiji: It's like.. this kid has all the power now. 
Eiji: "Andou siblings really rule this prison now, don't they?.."
Miki: W-well, I wouldn't say that.
Miki: True, he is much.. uh, "nicer" now and people are starting to like him a bit more, but he's still just as vulnerable. 
Miki: Like.. For some reason I'm starting to feel like he wants more attention from me now? Like now he requests even more things, but he always asks me to get him something and not you.
Eiji: "I think it's because the prisoners don't like me that much in general."
Miki: But when you don't count all the food, toys, clothes and other things, he just.. wants to spend time with me. Like he actually wants to know more about me and he keeps asking me so many questions..
Miki: .. It's still hard for me to get used to him calling me "Miki-nee" though.
Miki: He doesn't even know that we're most likely related..
Miki: And speaking of him still being one of the most vulnerable prisoners, Kei-san wasn't the only prisoner Maruyama-san has attacked.
Miki: Yano-san was her victim as well.
Eiji: Again, it's kind of justified. Naomi said that she saw everything with her own eyes and I usually don't trust her, but I will do so this time. 
Eiji: Basically, Asahi's been taking full advantage of Yurika's status as a guilty prisoner and her punishment and he eventually got tired of his "good boy" act and he spilled some really hot tea that she made for him on her. He claimed that it was an accident but both Naomi and Yurika could tell that it wasn't one. 
Eiji: Yurika had enough and, well.. decided to take her anger out on him. 
Eiji: I stopped her before she could actually injure him though. He only got a cut on his cheek from her nails and that's all.
Miki: Thank you, I appreciate it. 
Eiji: .. I-It's not because he's your brother. I would do the same thing even if it wasn't Asahi. I can't let those prisoners fight each other like that.
Eiji: *laughs* Though of course they would try to do that. They are murderers after all.
Eiji: Speaking of Yurika..
Eiji: Prisoner 008, Maruyama Yurika.
Eiji: She was voted guilty and her ideas and thoughts were rejected.
Miki: I'm still finding it so hard to believe.. I mean, I thought she seemed like a nice person when I first met her.. 
Eiji: Is it just me or you voted her guilty only because of what she said about you that time?
Miki: .. I really do want to save everyone here.
Miki: And I will do anything to achieve my goal. 
Miki: *gets up* Who does she think she is to go and say that I'm just doing this to make everyone trust me?!
Eiji: Okay, okay, calm down.
Eiji: Fine, let's not talk about it. You have your reasons to vote her guilty and I have mine.
Miki: .. Y-you're right. Sorry.. *sits down*
Eiji: Her punishment was a bit different from Akio and Kei's punishments. It wasn't a physical one, it was more about.. mental pain, I guess? 
Eiji: Since her thoughts were rejected, she lost all the potential freedom she could get and now she's back to doing what she hates the most.
Eiji: She has to act as everyone's maid now.
Eiji: We don't have to bring anything to prisoners personally, we can just ask her or, you know, make her do that. She can also serve them food now.
Eiji: I know, that was very smart of me. Less work for us~
Eiji: .. I wish I could say that, but her temper is.. something.
Eiji: When I first told her about her punishment, she cried. Loudly. She cried like a little baby. 
Eiji: And when I tried to make her stop, she almost punched me, but oh well, she obviously wasn't able to do that.
Eiji: And now, whenever she refuses to listen to my orders, I just remind her that I can make her punishment even worse and she listens to me.
Eiji: But now her relationship with the prisoners is much worse. People either see her only as their maid, they think she's scary or they even find her annoying.
Eiji: She's used to be close with all the female prisoners, but now Aimi is one of the prisoners who thinks she's too dangerous, Eiko just makes her do everything for her and even though Naomi actually tried to be nice to her at first, Yurika wasn't as nice. Her relationship with Reina is.. complicated now.
Eiji: Prisoner 009, Kuroki Riku.
Eiji: He was voted innocent and his ideas and thoughts were affirmed.
Eiji: .. I still have no idea how you could have forgiven someone like him.
Eiji: He obviously just wanted to make us feel bad for him. 
Miki: Even if he did, he still was in pain and he needed help. If we voted him guilty, I think he would start acting even worse.
Miki: Just imagine what he would do if he found out that he was going to be punished!..
Eiji: But guess what? Now that his thoughts were affirmed, Akio almost killed himself because of him, Aimi left him and pretty much all prisoners don't want to do anything with him anymore.
Eiji: Because I remind you, this guy actually wanted his childhood friend to die. 
Eiji: Let's go back to his fight with Akio. Again, I still have no idea what Akio said to him, but I do know what Riku told him and what made Akio.. do what he did.
Eiji: After Akio said something that made Riku angry, Riku, just like a normal boy his age, said this:
Eiji: "Go and die then."
Miki: ...
Eiji: .. We shouldn't find Akio's suicide attempt surprising after this considering his mental state and how much he liked Riku. 
Eiji: So? Are you going to defend him this time too?
Miki: .. I will talk to him about it. Of course, he can't just say things like that, but I want to understand why he did it. 
Eiji: Well, I'm sure he will appreciate you still trying to defend his actions, because I remind you that this happened while all other prisoners were watching.
Eiji: And yeah, Aimi stopped seeing Riku as her friend after this. 
Miki: "She's a victim of bullying, of course she would leave him.."
Eiji: And all other prisoners kinda stopped talking to him after that. Their conversations are just really awkward now, especially because Riku still refuses to apologize for what he said and claims that it's all Akio's fault.
Eiji: He has no one to talk to anymore. Akio and Aimi are doing great without him, Shun is having way too much fun with Kei and Eiko, Naomi and Reina have no idea how to help him, Kei simply can't do anything for him right now, Eiko and Yurika don't care about what happens to him and Asahi says that he's "bad" so he doesn't want to spend time with him, though I'm sure he's doing it just to make him suffer.
Eiji: .. It's kinda interesting, actually. They know that every single prisoner here is a murderer, but they were mostly fine with that fact until now, when one of them has almost killed the other prisoner with his words.
Eiji: And.. he went back to his unhealthy coping mechanisms because of all of this.
Eiji: He's okay with doing literally anything to make people look at him, including hurting himself in different ways.
Eiji: I literally can't even leave him alone with a fork and a knife anymore and I have to watch him while he eats.
Miki: .. Again, I will talk to him about it. 
Miki: I want to save everyone in this prison. Especially Yan- 
Miki: .. I mean, my brother and Riku.
Eiji: And finally, the last one.
Eiji: Prisoner 010, Himura Reina.
Eiji: She was voted innocent and her ideas and thoughts were affirmed.
Eiji: Honestly, I think she's one of those prisoners who have changed the most.
Eiji: She's like a completely different person now.
Eiji: She's no longer pretending to be someone she's not. She almost never mentions the whole "I'm actually the most dangerous murderer in this prison" thing anymore. 
Eiji: She's also very.. calm now. To the point of showing almost no emotions.
Eiji: She doesn't make dumb jokes anymore, she doesn't say things like "Oh, I actually have more than 50 victims", she isn't that loud anymore.
Eiji: .. And she also was the one who protected Kei from being attacked by Yurika.
Eiji: If that doesn't prove that she has changed, I don't know what will.
Miki: .. What if she actually always was capable of that? What if she always could protect someone like that and we just didn't know?
Eiji: Well, I can't say anything about that.
Eiji: She and Kei are actually surprisingly close now. She's the only person here who isn't afraid of him and doesn't take advantage of his condition.
Eiji: I was shocked at first, but now that I think about it..
Eiji: It makes sense. Their personalities are actually very similar.
Miki: So that's why she's been asking me to take care of him so often lately.. 
Eiji: .. What surprises me the most is that Kei never flirts with her or tries to impress her. I guess it has an obvious explanation, but if we trust Yurika's words, he's still more than capable of being annoying in that way.
Miki: Well, maybe he just sees her as a friend? Isn't that nice?
Eiji: Don't say that. I can't imagine this guy having friends that actually like him.  
Eiji: She isn't that close with Yurika anymore and when I asked her about it, she sounded like she was.. disappointed in her? I guess she wasn't prepared to see the real Yurika.
Eiji: .. That's all I have to say.
Eiji: *sighs*
Miki: So.. Do you still want to vote all of them guilty?
Eiji: Why are you even asking me that? Of course I do. Actually, I want to punish them even more now that I've seen what kind of people they become after being forgiven.
Miki: But isn't it natural to start acting more calm or confident after being forgiven? 
Miki: Just like you said, their ideas and thoughts were affirmed. Of course, they think that they were the ones in the right now.
Eiji: .. I wanted to talk to you about something.
Eiji: You don't have to think too hard to notice that all, or at least, most prisoners like you much more than me.
Eiji: Most of those who were voted innocent are thankful to you for saving them and they're hoping to be forgiven this time again.
Eiji: And those who were voted guilty are this close to begging you to save them from me and forgive them.
Eiji: It's like..
Eiji: It's like you're a goddess of this place, haha..
Miki: .. Hehe, come on, I-I'm just doing my job..
Eiji: Don't try to forgive all of them this time though. Be more careful. They're obviously going to try and take advantage of your kindness.
Eiji: Now, let's go and interrogate-
Eiji: !
*sounds of Eiji falling on the floor*
Miki: Eiji-san!
Miki: A-are you okay?!
Miki: Are you hurt? What happened?
Eiji: .. W-why..
Eiji: Why is everything so.. blurry now?
Miki: Please, tell me if you're not feeling okay! We can just interrogate everyone tomorrow-
*sounds of Eiji trying to get up*
Eiji: I'm fine. I'm fine, I can do this. 
Eiji: H-huh?..
Eiji: "Why am I feeling so weak?.."
Miki: Eiji-san, your body is shaking. A-are you feeling any pain? Maybe discomfort?..
Eiji: I told you I'm fine! Let's just go and begin the second trial already-
Eiji: Ah-
Eiji: .. T-thank you.
Miki: If it wasn't for me, you would fall again!
Miki:*sobs* Eiji-san.. Please, just tell me what's going on..
Miki: I just want to help you!
Eiji: Guard 002, let me go.
Miki: I can't do that when you look like you're about to-
Eiji: JUST LET ME DO MY JOB, MIKI!
Eiji: WHY CAN'T I HAVE AT LEAST ONE THING I ACTUALLY ENJOY DOING? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING?
Eiji: I'M BASICALLY NO ONE BECAUSE OF YOU NOW, WHY DON'T YOU GET IT?!
Eiji: ...
Miki: .. Eiji-san? Eiji-san, can you hear me?
Miki: "I should let him have some rest.."
Miki: "What did he mean by me ruining everything though? Was he talking about everyone's verdicts?"
Miki: "I doubt that he's jealous of me being more respected by the prisoners or something like that.."
Miki: ".. I'm a goddess of this place.. What did he mean by that?"
Miki: "It doesn't sound bad though, hehe.."
Miki: "Trust me, Eiji-san, I will save everyone in this prison. I will forgive them for all their sins and I will guide them."
Miki: "I will save everyone, Eiji-san.."
Miki: ".. Including you."
***
???: Hm? 
???: What is going on with that screen?.. 
???: Ah, it's you!.. Sorry, I forgot your name again.
Jackalope: .. Maybe we should have chosen someone else. 
???: *laughs* You're right, you're right. 
???: No, seriously, I still don't understand why I was chosen. I mean.. 
???: Look at me. Why would you make someone like me the guard of this prison?
Jackalope: You're asking way too many questions for someone like you. By the way, I left your guard uniform at the door. You can go and get it, I'll open the door just this once.
???: Really? Okay..
*sounds of slow footsteps*
[ ??? opens the door ] 
???: Wow!..
???: .. I-it doesn't look that comfortable. 
[ ??? closes the door ]
???: And why would I even wear it? Didn't you say that I'm not allowed to leave this room?
Jackalope: True, but now you'll actually be able to participate in the trials. 
Jackalope: As always, you'll be able to see everything from here. You don't even have to leave.
???: .. Does that mean I can participate in the voting process too now?
Jackalope: Absolutely! You can even say hi to the other guards if you want. 
Jackalope: That girl is very cute, by the way, so I doubt that you'd want to lose your chance-
Jackalope: Wait, or are you-
???: Hmm, I think it will be too hard for them to accept the fact that there's a third guard hiding somewhere. 
???: .. I think I have an idea. You already did that thing to the first guard, right?
???: I think I know how I can interrogate the prisoners without letting the other guards know anything.
Jackalope: You remember that you still have to vote though, right?
???: I do, I do. Don't worry, I won't disappoint you~
???: *yawns* Sorry, looks like I've spent all my energy for today.
???: Hehe, I wish I had a stuffed animal that looked like you-
Jackalope: Don't even think about it. Cuddling with a guy? No thank you. 
???: Calm down.. You know I can't even be in the same room as you anyway.
???: But before I go to sleep, can you answer my question already?
???: Why was I chosen?
???: I mean, I can't even participate in this trial properly. I just spend all my time in this room. 
???: I'm also not that interested in "saving" or "punishing" those prisoners..
Jackalope: .. Well, let's just say that all guards have their reasons to be here.
Jackalope: That guy wants to see his brother in pain and he wants to get his revenge on him. The girl is harder to figure out, but I'm sure she has her goal too.
Jackalope: You also have a reason to be here. Why don't you think about it yourself?
???: Hm... 
???: Maybe you're right. 
???: Either way, I don't think I'll lose much if I participate in this thing.
???: I have nothing to lose anyway. 
12 notes · View notes
slippery-minghus · 1 month
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oh no. i feel like if i do not consume an entire load of bread in the very near future i will simply cease to exist.
#very uh. very worried about my finances right now#like. i'm fine. i have some savings. but i also just got to put something into my savings for the first time in a VERY long time and now#now i immediately have to take it out#and i'm getting stressed out about buying groceries#because if i dip into my savings here what about there? where is the line?#and i owe so much to taxes but i can't exactly afford getting less of my pay......#my last paycheck was $0.66 more than my rent#my insurance is refusing to reimburse the last of my electrolysis visits from last year and like#i'm SO over the fight but that's $120. that i really actually kinda need?#and i'm starting to get that funny in the head feeling about wondering how i'm going to feed myself#i still feel so much shame about that funeral i went to years ago and my only thought during the reception after was about#how there was just so much food and i could actually eat my fill#i have leftovers for dinner tonight and it's fine but.... making a lovely vegan dish wasn't the best choice tbh#i feel like if i don't have a large helping of bread and meat i'm going to go insane#and it really REALLY doesn't help that i've apparently lost the ability to eat in the mornings#so i'm at quite a significant fuel deficit and it's stacking#but no matter how hungry i am in the morning the concept of processing solid food is just repulsive and daunting#eating a clif bar at 9am would take literally all of my spoons for the day#i was looking at protein shakes since i can handles *drinking* breakfast#but the cheapest one that meets my dietary requirements is $35 for a 12pack#and i'm uh. i'm worrying over spending $10 on produce this week#personal#and nevermind that i don't have the spoons to even GO shopping (:#(on an aside i switched back to my regular melatonin gummies last night and i Actually Slept. so hopefully that will continue and help some)#i just want to curl up in a ball on the floor and have someone gently place a roll of bread and hunk of cheese next to me in my enclosure#also it's photophobia season and i still feel like i haven't recovered from saturday#got too much sunlight and was nauseaus for half the day#my body feels so bad
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bunnihearted · 2 months
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#i hate myself real bad today.... like it's this constant gnawing feeling in my stomach nd chest#i am such a fucking burden. i am deadweight weighing everyone around me down. im such a fkn pathetic failure#our living situation is rlly bad nd unhealthy nd toxic. im the only one who can disconnect nd shove it all down nd wanna pretend like nothin#but my sister nd my mom are going insane like they cannot stand it anymore. nd they're also getting super depressed so im worried#my mom's been trying to apply for appartments bc she's been on waiting lists for several years so she can actually maybe get one#so they were thinking that my mom nd my sister can move nd me nd my sister can live here#she even found an apartment close by that she would actually get!! so they could move!!#however...... you're not allowed to put more ppl on this contract so if my mom moves me nd my sister can stay here :/// so she cant move....#cant** stay here#she cant move at all unless my sister nd i have our own places...#my sister has a job nd is an actual responsible adult. so she wont be long until she fixes that#but me???? im 25yrs old... never had a job. cant even graduate highschool even if i try. i have no fkn idea how to survive on my own!!!!!#im just a fkn burden on my mom. i keep her down. i chain her down nd keep her feom being free#im such an awful daughter. im such a bad person. im so worthless. i hate myself for hurting her#i hate seeing her so sad nd depressed bc she wants to get out of this situation so bad#and *im* the one keeping her here. im the reason she cant feel better. bc im a pathetic fkn 25yr old who lives off of her mom like a parasit#ooof i ... i hate myself more deeply than i ever have. how can i do this to my own mom???? why am i so useless????#idk what to do. idk how to move out!! where to?? how do u get a place to live??!?#atp i'd even take living with someone else. like renting a room or smth. just to free my mom of the curse that is me#but idk how to find anything like that bc im completely and utterly incapable nd useless#i feel so bad for my mom.... i know she doesnt want this but it makes me wanna kms even more#if im dead i cant weigh her down i cant ruin her life!!!! if im dead she'll be free of me. im nothing but a parasite she deserves to be free
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wild how the more i'm working on recovery. the more i realize how fucking bad i miss her.
#which still feels kind of insane and embarrassing since i didn't technically know her myself#(my alter did. i however barely interacted with her.)#but she knew me. she fucking knew me and saw me. i've talked about this in earlier posts but that's still the main thing that hits me.#i feel like nobody else has ever ever known me like she has. i've never felt that seen. and she loved me. she cared about me. she knew what#was underlying my outwards appearance and behaviors. she saw it and loved and cared for it. and because she knew it so well she didn't take#anything personally. (again. not douchey behaviors. just like... bragging for example. or being guarded. idk)#also there's so many things we relate on? felt like i could connect with her better. i think she and i would have been friends.#i dont know it's just#with everyone else it feels like a fucking obligatory social game i need to navigate#say the right things. act in the right ways. present yourself in ways they'll understand and interpret well. blah blah#i'm not even going anywhere with this i just miss her so bad and i'm fucking lonely and want to be seen like that again but i don't think#it can ever happen. because i got to be 100% myself but it was in a safe way and that's how she grew to know and love me#but it wasn't ME who made that decision to be vulnerable. and it was through a specific way that can't be done again because i'm here now a#an alter so it's guarded. and i can't be selfish and demanding and fully myself here because system morals are too strong for that.#even if the aforementioned thing COULD happen again. i haven't seen anyone who cares and understands and sees so deeply like she does.#it's just#i don't know#i just want to be myself and loved and seen for who i am.#but instead it always just feels like i'm having to navigate and manage social expectations and That's It.#maybe i just need to be friends with another narcissist. so i dont have to fucking mask anymore. only concern is if i'm actually being#myself - i have a high pitched voice and talk fast and talk a lot and am kinda obnoxious and high energy and#attention-seeking and dislike being alone and. yeah. that's annoying to the majority of people. which is why i am Not myself around anyone
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dykefever · 1 year
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just officially learned what an em dash is . about to be so annoying
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angels-heap · 2 years
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One thing I kind of can't get behind is when Alyx is interpreted as a super Gen Z kid? Do you know what I mean? I feel like she may unconsciously adopt the mannerisms of older people instead because she's surrounded by them all day every day, but that's just me lol
That drives me nuts too, but to be fair, people write what they know and it's not exactly surprising that younger fans are projecting their own experiences and worldviews onto her. I definitely wrote some cringy and anachronistic Alyx dialogue when I was a teenager and if you remember reading it on FFN back in the day, no you don't.
That said, YEAH, I feel like Alyx is one of those kids with an "old soul" from surviving so many traumatic events at a young age and growing up with multiple eccentric scientist mentors. She's surprisingly well-adjusted, all things considered, and it seems like her dad did his best to let her be a kid as much as possible (collecting random stuff from the yard, giant robot dog companion, etc.), but it's hard to imagine that she'd talk and act like a modern teenager.
The Dirty Dancing VHS in HLA also makes me wonder what kind of media she was (or wasn't) exposed to while she was growing up. I bet she has a really skewed sense of what society was like before The Incident, and I can see this leaving a noticeable mark on her speech patterns and sense of humor.
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polaraffect · 10 months
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soldier-poet-king · 2 years
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sCREAMS i must be petty and mean for one (1) second or else it’s gonna bother me so much i wont be able to sleep and i desperately DO need to do that
#franposting#thou shalt not vagueblog thou chalt not vaguelbog etc etc etc#actually i'd be ok i dont think this person is following me#i just hAVE SEEN a post (tm)#and like GEEZE LOUISE#sometimes i forget. that ppl are really still on that shitty ex gay narrative train#like no thank u i am TIRED of pleasing the straights#my only identity is in christ they scream. okay then. if we're gonna take paul 1000% literally#gender is also now abolished. live with it bitches#it's such a TIRED and also BAD argument#why is talking queerness with straight and ex gay christians literally the worst thing in the world without a doubt#this is why im out here being absolutely insane about god but also ALONE and in PRIVATE (on tumblr)\#i forgot how exhausting and terrible like. the majority of real world christians are#or like. at least all the ones i regularly encounter#im just. like. holy SHIT yall are the fuckin pits#and im infinitely happier and more faithful and in love with the sublime and uncanny and divine and god and eveyrthing#when i simply. do not acknowledge these ppl exist. i Do Not See It#i am in my queer little world where we don't argue about literally the DUMBEST OLDEST SHIT#LIKE??? ARE WE REALLY STILL ON THIS???#not to b like it's the protestants. bc i know catholics are like this too. but usAmerican protestant culture has DEF made it WORSE#in all aspects except physical i am a weird af medival mystic just vibing out here with my strong emotions and insane thoughts#and completely ignoring 99% of my co-religionists and their terrible opinions#like truly just the worst and i hate everything you say and you ruin everything for everyone and ofc yes forgiveness and radical mercy#but i am also full of murderous rage and you are TESTING ME#can you go be good and holy in complete isolation away from everyone else and the itnernet so i dont have to listen to ur shit ever again#PLEASE#ok. i have to stop myself from being even more mean. just know that i am full of so much meanness. i am the meanest person in the worldt#trapped inside the most scrupulous conscience in the world with a desperate need to be Good and Virtuous
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todayisafridaynight · 11 months
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'im gonna sleep' he lied
#snap chats#i love making the main text Bullshit and then putting the actual post below. ive said this before but idc its my art#its like... the main text is the title and the tags is the actual article.... does that make sense#i should sleep my eyes are heavy but im being tormented by concepts i want to execute#gotta apologize for all the arasawa posting as of late but ive been enabled#tbh on the lowest of keys i did post bout them on occasion in the past but. but now it's feel-speed ahead#twt has been driving me insane so i just need to hop aboard me other boat yk what im saying... please say you do i refuse to elaborate#for the sake of the people i wont but man if you know you know#anyways. the actual meat of this text post See All That Preamble Shit is meant to deter people. it is a warning#'i am bring cringe down here do not look. wait for it to be art so it's harder to ignore'#'snap i thought you didnt like sharing things if you were gonna do something with it' ok well the delusions are strong tonight#and im too tired to do anything and ill prob be too brain dead to do anything tomorrow LET ME SPEAK#ok cringe time. i just think jo gradually accepting physical affection can be something so personal and good SUE. me.#and when i say 'gradually' it will be ten years before he accepts it and even so it'll be quietly#i think by his 20's hes beyond flinching/wincing at random contact- or at the very least he's very good at suppressing the reflex to#more so if its not something like a handshake- like just casual contact- i imagine he's more confused than anything#i had friends who were obsessed with like. hugs and holding hands and those things always had me like ???#i imagine Same Shit for him ☠️ 'this isnt a bad thing but this isnt something im familiar with What Is???? this feels weird.'#im gonna make myself throw up thinking anymore about this. i be making these hardened yakuza men sweet and sentimental#twitter really is decaying my brain....#let me be worse. cause i hope arakawa introducing that sort of physical affection rubs off on jo. no where near the same level as arakawa#but itd be SOO funny if like.. jo starts walking close enough to occasionally bump shoulders with him#i hope when arakawa starts nodding off in the car and ''''accidentally''' lays his head on his shoulder he stops tensing up#heaven forbid jo even rests his cheek against arakawa. id be ill#Let Me Clutch My Pearls For This One i hope when they hold hands jo starts to hold arakawa's a lil tighter than he used to#just very /very/ little things like that. very little things that'll still make me insane I'M DELU-LU TONIGHT SORRRYYYYY#expect more of this bullshit but. in art form in the future. whether it writing or drawing idk i just need it#i need it injected right into my veins its my weakness your honor TAKE ME AWAY i AM guilty for making the scary gangsters cute#ok im pissing off fr now bye.
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