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isakwon · 6 years

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Don’t Stare At The Sun

(In Loving Memory of Kim Jonghyun)

A/N: As a final tribute to Shinee’s Jonghyun, this drabble contains nothing of his depression, only remembering memorable moments of Jonghyun. Lines in this drabble are based off real things said. I’m also doing this as a way of healing before moving onto the “Acceptance Stage. Not an ounce of romance.

2014….

“Happy Birthday Dear Jonghyun-ah! Happy birthday to you!”

The entire dance studio in SM Entertainment was roaring with applause and cheering. Idols and agents made a circle around SHINee’s Kim Jonghyung, admiring his round birthday cake, it seemed like he was tearing up.

He blew all the candles out in one go and over the candles that kept their best flame shining, Jonghyun’s wide smile shone the brightest in the entire room. The members all hug Jonghyun tightly, as well as Girls Generation,Super Junior, f(x)’s Amber Liu, and tvxq-even Shin Sekyung and Shin Dongyeop hug Jonghyun and kisses his cheeck.

“We’ve been planning to give you this kind of surprise before you go home.”

“But you already threw me a surprise dinner last week.”

Jonghyun laughs.

“Your group did from themselves to you, but this from the company to you.”

Key whips out his phone on a selfie stick. “ We are SM family Live! We’re celebrating the 24th anniversary of our Jjong. Hyung, do you wanna say something?”

Kibum gets closer to Jonghyun so they’re both in the shot. He smiles and looks directly upwards.

“Thank you to my colleagues for giving me such a surprise which I never expected. This-this is honestly such an honor and a sweet moment. Oh-we’re getting a lot of hearts already! To all our fans, thank you very much for sticking around and supporting and loving us all these years and hoping to be with us until the very end of our career.” He holds his tears in.

“I wish for health and the best for the long years to come and treat every one of you with care.”

Minho cuts off, “THIS IS SHINee FOREVER!.” Unable to control his own excitement.

“We Love You!!”

By the time their live video ended, their were millions of comments, birthday wishes, and hearts from international fans.

You were with YG at the time. You sent Jonghyun a birthday card with a tiny wrapped box beforehand with the little time spared off your training. He sent you a photo of himself holding up the gift,smiling. You automatically grin as if on command.

“He has one of the prettiest smiles.”

Just seeing the artists you look up to happy always brought up a smile on you. Another text banner comes from Jonghyun,

10:53 p.m.

‘’Thank you so much Y/N~’’ <3

Sent: You’re absolutely welcome Jjong. ^^

Happy Birthday!

Sometime later…

Tonight the boys meet up at Jinki’s house this time. The date marked one of the most important week of the entire year. There goes a knock on the door. Already knowing who it is, Jinki says “It’s open.”

Taemin, Kibum, and Minho arrive at the house along with another young man.

“Hey bro.” Kibum spreads his arms and they hug each other tightly. “How’s everything?”

“It’s been all right. They’ll be here shortly so we can go altogether.”

Kibum nods as he moves for the others, waiting to hug him. Each of them share a hug with an equal amount of seconds and then Jinki opens his arms for the young man. Jinki pulls away from the hug so he could look into the young boy’s eyes.

“How have you been?” He asks, smiling.

The young man says, “Pretty good.It’s been too long, Pop.”

The boy now had an egg-shaped head and a square jaw, though a fraction of his baby cheeks remained, with his inward heart-shaped ears, along with a shortcut and a fade on both sides and the back.

His oval-shaped deep brown eyes are still similar to Minho’s.

They all smirk in the same direction. The five of them are wearing black and white.

‘You know no one wanted to lose you’

They all walk to the couch once they set their flower bouquets on the coffee table. Today was December 18th.

“I’m so happy we’re able to make it together today. Not that we ever missed, but you know, we had our schedule cleared entirely. So we can make as much time as we want to honor Jonghyun.” Kibum says.

He put his hands on his knees.

“Yeah. We’ve been through so much with Jonghyun throughout our career.” Jinki sits in his weaved chair.

Taemin snickers, “I remember when I was on ‘We Got Married’ he saw one of the wedding pictures and recreated it with me.”.

“That one time we put one of our trophies on his back and he did push-ups while singing.”

“Even while doing exercises he always sounded so good with his vocals.”

“I loved it when EXID started playing and he danced so excitedly out of nowhere and we just stopped to stare at him. Leaving him to embarrass himself.”

They all laughed gathered around on the couch.

“There was also that time he tripped on ‘Hello Counselor’ and tried to brush it off with a wave.”

“When was that?”

“ When ‘Everybody’ first released.Ah man he was also clumsy.”

Jonghyun had been on “Hello Counselor” a few times, yet his little fall was memorable. It seemed like he did it purposely for a laugh sometimes.

“And he embarrassed himself again,” Jinki broke “When he himself ate that dumpling which he filled wasabi with!”

There was hysterical laughter all around the house.

“Oh yeah and he froze up when I glared at you guys for throwing snow on me with the shovel. He wanted to play then got scared and didn’t say anything else.”

“He always looked at the camera saying if this was the ‘reality they wanted’ too,” said Taemin.

“Remember when we threw a surprise party for him to celebrate his first solo album?”

“I joked about ‘BASE’ was plagiarizing my album ‘ACE’. Each album had a different card of him.”

“We had him do push-ups with a trophy on his back while singing on stage. He and Minho also did a competition of push-ups for some beef.”

“Oh yeah, he also slipped while dancing to Krump. He nearly hit his head on the door.”

All of them die of laughter. Taemin rubs his eye

“A fan brought this particular picture back last Thursday.”

Kibum scrolls through his Instagram then the other boys look at the screen. Minho puts his chin on his knuckles whilst smiling, “Feels like only yesterday.”

Jonghyun was sleeping with his arm up and then Minho decided to recreate Michelangelo’s ‘Creation of Adam’ painting. That photo became one of their most popular and memorable photos.

“This picture was also brought up.”

They give in on the phone screen and release faint sighs. The picture Kibum found was a dual picture of him sitting on Jonghyun’s lap hugging each other while staring into the camera, and the other of their 6th year anniversary of their debut.The room suddenly falls silent.

“His love for everybody had so much strength, he smiled so brightly he always lit up a room. Now it’s hard to look back at the pictures and tell which ones were real and which were by force.”

Who would ever smile the way you did?

“ When I first woke up, I had hoped it was a joke or a hoax.Y/N laid on the stairs crying, she wanted to scream,” Jinki said.

I stand out in the moist night, feeling it begin to sprinkle again. His tiny hands in ‘prayer’ position, like his father taught him, kneeling in front of the banquets as I stare at the visible stars; they’re aqua.

“Everybody was in denial for a long time.”

Taemin says.

Each of their eyes was beginning to well up with water. “…Some forever.”

For someone who was the only son, he said we were the closest to being his brothers.” Minho wipes his nose.

For once you decided today was the best night for a walk. Your gaze lingers on the pavement of the road, holding the bag in one hand, a banquet in the other. It was like this when he is the only thing living on my mind. And the unbelievable heart-wrenching passion he put in Mexico.

‘Just thinking of your voice, makes me cry like a baby girl.’

You make sure the roses aren’t bent, watching the child come back to you. The air was moist that night. It had stopped raining. You look up the sky one last time and smile.

‘Tonight we get to actually feel you again.’

He holds onto your hand, stomping his feet on the doormat, getting the dirt off his shoes as insert the keys.You crease the door open.

As soon as they hear the doorknob turn, they rise one by one on their feet. Patting each other’s shoulders and hugging once again. You smile at the extra pairs of shoes at the foot of the door.

“Come on Jaejoong. Take your shoes off my love.”

Jinki appears in front of you.

“Hey.” He comes close for a hug.

“We’re back.”

Noticing how his eyes are stung red, and the scrunch of your brows and the puffed cheeks, you wrap each other’s arms around tightly.Your heart aches much more since you woke up. Little Jaejoong holds onto his Dad’s leg.

Understand….how much it burns on the inside.

You walk to the living room and in there, you see the pearl faces of Taemin, Minho, and Kibum approaching you to engulf another group hug. You smile wider once you see the young boy. Your son’s hand is snatched away out of yours as he tries hugging his Uncles on the leg. He gives up and instead runs to the other young man, getting picked up by him.

“Jaejoong, Say ‘hello’ to your hyung.” Jinki assures little Jaejoong.

“Are you happy to see your Yoogeun?’’

Jaejoong shows off his toothy smile,

“Yeah!”

No matter how long it takes, many years have passed; I’ve seen every news source, I’ve read your last letter, I saw your casket being carried…

“I hated realizing how quickly I was already healing…”

‘I have lived with this denial forever and I’m

“…I was so afraid of not letting you rest.”

You feel your hand being squeezed tightly by Jinki’s. He rubs your cracked knuckles. Your knuckles had been cracked because of work, but two days after what had happened to Jonghyun, Jinki grabbed your hand which startled you. As he stares at all the cracks he looks up at you timidly, his face inches close to yours.

“You better not be punching the walls.”

“He is such a bubbly kid. I wonder who, or where he got it from. He reminds me of our hyung.” Minho says.

Jaejoong pulls Yoogeun into his playroom.

“He takes after him more than me and Y/N…despite being born years later after his passing.He still tries to hit his high notes when we put on songs for him. You know, ‘Hallelujah’ used to be his lullaby.”

I only learned to smile again for you. Because of you, Jjong.

From asking him ‘why’, serenading him, to all the great things happening currently and telling him how much he is missed.”

We want to see you again. In front of us where we can run to you and never let go. It only takes all the time needed. Please keep waiting for us, we stay here waiting for you. “I said I’d learn to live without Jonghyung. But I never said he was forgettable.”

His lips stretch softly.

“He knows.He knows all the time that he’s still being missed.”

Tae’s lips quiver.

“Guys we gotta go, we have twenty minutes to get there. And ten to pick his family up before it starts. We can never be late.”

Everything that continues our love, it’s your pictures, music, and memories. A shattered soul no longer controls you.

Jonghyung is truly an angel on Earth as he always seemed, playing his joly little kazoo in heaven.

Your heart breaks all over again, but you smile to Jonghyun at the sky. All the men get on the truck they arrived in while Jinki buckles up Jaejoong in his car seat next to Yoogeun.

“Appa.”

“Yeah?”

“How did my Uncle Jjong go to the sky?”

Jinki and you look at each other, as well as the other members in the rearview mirror.

“Should we tell him the same?” You ask.

“He’s definitely old enough to know the truth.”

_____

That same night, Jonghyung turned the moon aqua.

And his beautiful voice sounds all around.

He’s smiling everywhere.

~Fin.

#kpop fanfiction #kpop fanfics #kim jonghyun #rest peacefully #shinee jonghyun #shinee imagines #jjong #kpop scenarios #shinee scenarios #shinee gifs #kim kibum #lee jinki #lee onew #blingbling #choi minho #minho #lee taemin #shinee taemin

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notursweeting · 6 years

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Jonghyun-ah : A Tribute To Kim Jonghyun

I stopped writing stories a while ago, about 2 years now. Writing has always been a medium for me to express my feelings because I’m not good at expressing them in real life. Fiction to me was a coping mechnasim, just like how Jjong’s music has been to me these past years. I mean no harm in this. This is a Shawol of many years trying to let go of her precious Jonghyun. I love you Jjong.

Part 1,2 & 3

I might go crazy, I don’t know what will happen, the only medicine is you

- Symptoms ; SHINee

My hands were shaking, I read it once, I read it twice but the words weren’t changing.

“Breaking : SHINee’s Kim Jonghyun Found Dead”

I read your name over and over again hoping it was someone else’s name. It couldn’t be you. It couldn’t have been Kim Jonghyun. Not my Jonghyun.

My hands trembled as I closed the tabs of the search bar and started dialling your number which I’ve memorized without realizing. I waiting for the call to come through but there was no answer. I dialled again, again and again but all I got was the depressing beeps before it connects me to your voicemail.

I didn’t know who to call. Perhaps your mother? Your sister? I had their numbers because you had jokingly given me their numbers in case of emergencies which caused me bursting in tears that night, hating the possibilities of it. Remember that night? You spent hours trying to console me and you promised that dreadful day wouldn’t come soon.

Soon. It’s been almost a year since that night. I guess I can’t say you didn’t keep you promise. I dialled both of their numbers but both their lines were busy. One particular calm face popped in my head, “jinki.” I mumbled as I scrolled my phone looking for his number, hoping he didn’t change it.

The long beeps made me even more anxious, I keep digging my nails into my wrist trying to hold on, trying to wake up from this nightmare, the line finally went through but there was no greeting just a deep sigh, “I’m sorry..”

His voice was trembling, like usual he was holding back his tears to be strong for the others. I didn’t even get the chance to ask anything, or get even a little spark of hope. It felt like my heart dropped out of my body.

I couldn’t say anything, my mouth felt heavy, no words came out of my mouth, “I..I..”

There was a huge silence between us for a couple of seconds before he spoke up, “I’ll send you the hospital details okay. I’ll see you there, okay?”

I was..sad? Perhaps? I didn’t what to feel. The only thing I could say was, “Eung.”

I heard him sigh worriedly, “Hey, get there safely okay?”

“Eung."

"I bet Jonghyun would want to see us both arrive there safely.” He said choking up on his own words.

“I’ll see you there.” I mumbled before ending the call. I was numb, my brain wasn’t functioning, I didn’t feel anything. My body moved on it’s own. Unconsciously I grabbed my car keys and went to my car despite not getting the hospital details yet. Everything was a blur the next thing I knew I had parked my car in the basement parking.

When I arrived at the level you were at, I could see your loved ones consoling each other, crying on each other’s shoulder. The mood was gloomy and dark, it felt like there was a heavy rain cloud hovering above us.

I took my steps towards the familiar figure at the end of the corridor, “Oppa."

Jinki was busy consoling Taemin who had his head buried in his hands, crying silently yet uncontrollably. Jinki raised his head and greeted me with his normal smile, "I’m glad you made it.”

I tried acting normal and smiled back at him, in the room, we were the only ones who were able to smile ever so brightly. But it was a facade for both of us. His eyes are a reflection of mine, puzzled and sorrowful.

I couldn’t greet your mother nor your sister. They couldn’t sit still, your sister passing by us now and then to receive calls, her face puffy from all the crying.

Minho arrived a few minutes after I settled down beside Taemin, taking turns to pat his back with Jinki. Jinki and I were both silent, exchanging small comforting smiles every now and then while he whispered comforting words to Taemin.

Minho didn’t say much. He exchanged hugs with Jinki and Taemin, eyes red proof that he’d been crying on his way to the hospital. He sat down beside me, and for awhile he sat there silently while Jinki explained to us how it happened.

I noticed at some point, Minho’s hand was trembling, he was trying so hard to fight back his tears. I reached out for his hand and squeezed them, “It’s okay.”

He started crying at that exact moment, and mumbled he needed to excuse himself for the toilet and got up. He didn’t get far, a few steps away from us he collapsed on the floor and the whole room panicked as they called out for medical support.

Jinki did his job as a leader well. You would have been so proud to see him like that. “The group’s pillar” you once described him to me. Honestly Jonghyun-ah if you were here you’d be crying beside Taemin as well, but instead you’re lying unconscious in the room.

For the next few minutes, I took over Jinki’s job of consoling Taemin completely as he took care off Minho. They were letting people in to see you. Your sister came to us right after she got out off your room and asked if we wanted to go next.

Minho and Taemin weren’t ready for it. They were crying their eyes out, my heart broke everytime they denied the reality. They keep saying they weren’t ready. They love you a lot, Jonghyun-ah.

Jinki and I went together to see you. Did you know? Did you see us together? I wondered if you could see what was happening and thought it was silly for awhile. But I put on my bravest face as I entered your room, just in case.

“Jonghyun-ah..” Jinki trembled as he went beside you hugging your cold, stiff body. He wasn’t crying, I wasn’t crying. We were both putting our best face for you. We didn’t want you to feel bad for leaving us, for once we didn’t want you to blame yourself.

I stood by your right side and held your hand, intertwining my fingers with yours. Just a week ago, you were holding my hand as tight as I held your’s, but in that moment your hand was just stiff in my hands. On cold days, tucked in your room or mine, you always held my cold hand trying to warm it with your own as we talked until the morning, comforting each other. I miss your warm hands, Jonghyun-ah. I miss your sweaty, annoying, rough, warm hands.

Jinki was whispering his goodbyes to you. I gave him his space as I waited by your bed side, staring at your face. You were sleeping so soundly, just like the last night I saw you when you feel asleep talking about how you fell that day. Only this time you won’t wake up in the morning and greet me with your raspy voice saying “Good morning sleepyhead” and offer to make me coffee. I miss your coffee Jonghyun-ah.

Jinki’s eyes were starting to tear up but he wiped them away before it started to fall down his cheeks. I think he didn’t realize I saw him do that as he smiled warmly to me, “You can have Jonghyun now."

I smiled back at him as we exchange places. I caressed your hair one last time, trying to remember how it feel against my fingers as this would probably be the last time I can do it, "Jjong-ah, you did well.” I said, smiling like the days where you had a bad time and called me over and I told you repeatedly how good you were doing. I’m saying those words again to you for the last time, the useless words that didn’t save you. I’m sorry Jonghyun-ah.

I was still numb, the days you made me laugh playing back in my head. I smiled a little remembering all your silly, stupid jokes. All the times you made me laugh so hard my stomach started to hurt. Whether it was our personal moments together or the times you were on shows which I secretly played at night when you were away because I missed you. Everytime you were busy or I was caught up in my own life, I missed you Jonghyun-ah, I never told you that when we meet up or talk for hours on the phone and now I’m going to spend the rest of my days missing you even more.

I kissed your forehead like you always did as I cried in your arms during those nights you accompanied me with your comforting words, convincing me to not take my own life. You saved me, Jonghyun-ah. But I couldn’t do anything in return for you. Jonghyun-ah, I’m sorry.

I held back my tears as I looked up at Jinki who was staring at your face as he held your hand tight. “Should we go?”

Jinki nodded with a small smile and whispered one more time in your ear. I gave your forehead another kiss, your skin icy cold under my warm soft lips.

When we were leaving your room, Jinki unexpectedly reached out for my hand, squeezing it tight. I’m not sure if he was comforting me or himself, we were comforting each other, like how you and I used to do.

“Are you okay?” He asked as we step out from your room.

“Are you okay?” I asked him instead, not knowing what to answer.

He laughed, the laugh was forced I could tell, “I think you and I are feeling the same thing.”

I give his hand a harder squeeze, “If we are, I want to tell you that you tried your best. It’s not your fault."

He looked at me, his tears pooling in his eyes, unable to hold it back anymore, he started crying silently. I pulled him into a hug and held him close, not wanting to let him go like how I let go of your embrace the last morning we met.

I started crying as well, it finally hit me, I’m not going to see you again. I’m not going to see your beautiful teethy smile again. I won’t be able to hear you laugh anymore. I won’t be able to prank you or force you into singing songs for me anymore. I won’t be able to be the first one to listen to your songs anymore. I won’t be able to call you at 3am after receiving a text from you or listening to your song to check up on you. I won’t be stealing time to nap at work after a long talk with you at night because there won’t be calls anymore. I’m not going to hear you call my name anymore. I’m not going to hear your voice anymore. Jonghyun-ah, I miss your voice. I miss you. I miss you already.

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