#is just being super heavy handed with their symbolism and metaphors and keeps having bad things happen or has me fuck up

[ankhisms]

i dont want to be brave about it all any more i want to scream and cry but i must continue on somehow

#i am not beating the delusional allegations of being a character in a badly written story where the author whos writing me #is just being super heavy handed with their symbolism and metaphors and keeps having bad things happen or has me fuck up #in a way thats like hey wink wink nudge nudge dont forget about the metaphor and themes with reys character and its like great thanks you #suck at this. why do you love making things go wrong for me. its almost comical at this point. #i keep thinking that i kind of wish i could just turn off all my feelings because i feel things so much but on the other hand #there have been plenty of times when ive been hollow and havent felt anything or havent been the person in control and have been #unreal and not in my body. but its like god this sucks why am i so bad at everything. why cant i get anything right. why am i #never good enough both at things i try really hard to do and also just never good enough existing in general. there will always #be something inherently weird and inherently strange and offputting about me. anyway im stopping now before i spiral more #i just need to sleep and bottle it up and just make it thru

[void-official]

Sarazanmai! was a fun anime with a lots of emotionally resonant moments and even more dumb potty humor but would I say its Ikuhara’s best anime? probably nah BUTT we’ll see how it ages. And I mean!! I really did like it and it’s worth a watch if you share general taste with me, but what I liked most about it and what I think it offers most above his other stuff is that it felt condensed and fast-paced in a way that made it very watchable and entertaining for someone with a short attention span like me. compared to like, a 24 episode anime where the themes are more carefully paced and constructed and might be harder to just dive into watching. I often drop shows by the third episode even if I think i’m gonna like them, bc i just don’t always have the energy to watch more than one season of something. Even the best anime tend to have slow arcs or bad episodes, and Sarazanmai just didn’t seem to have time for that, or I didn’t notice them bc there was just too much going on at any given point for me to ever feel bored by it.

Does that + the constant slapstick make it less emotionally resonant than Utena or YuriBears or Penguin Drum? Maybe? But that would be sorta assuming those things were absent from those shows, which they definitely weren't, and at least in Sarazanmai its tonally there for practically the entire time, whether you want it there or not, so its feels less jarring than Nanami getting turned into a cow episodes or the 3 cartoon penguins doing human things in the background of a show that otherwise feels like a child’s interpretation of Film Noir. I at least had a decent emotional reaction to Sarazanmai, all things considered, but I’m aware some people don’t really enjoy mood whiplash and might find it distasteful that you can literally have Butt Jokes and Plot Progression taking place within the exact same frame. comparatively its a lot like. having silly dumb goofy Sidekicks piping in with their weirdness during serious moments of a Disney film, but I mostly found it entertaining bc i wasn’t exactly. watching with the expectation of it being 100% serious anyway. Like after the first episode you already have a good feel for how this show will be. The themes here were pretty simplistic and easy to grasp, a lot of the meta stuff is embellishment and not necessary to enjoying the show’s basic plotline and even then its fucking silly and lighthearted in its approach most of the time in a way even haters of Ikuhara’s heavy handed ~symbolism~ might be able to tolerate due to its utter like. irreverence towards it? The fucking otter that is an abstract concept who keeps reminding you that its an abstract concept is the clearest example I have. It’s literally feels like someone appending ~It’s Symbolic~ to a shitpost in execution and I lost it nearly every time it happened.

I guess like, people have this association w/Ikuhara shows that he’s always trying to be like SUPER DEEP and make complicated, difficult to understand stories. Hes High Art, using anime as a medium or whatever. But even if elements of this are like that, and I can appreciate it that way/want to re-watch to see what more I get out of it next time, I don’t think Sarazanmai necessarily wants to be seen as #Deep to the average viewer or expects you to need to engage with it that way, and that’s why i say its very Watchable. Honestly I laughed more than I cried white it was airing bc Sarazanmai basically just throws so much shit at you at once, sometimes its metaphorical shit, sometimes its deep shit, but mostly its just Literal shit butt balls. and you kinda just have to deal with it as it comes. its actually going above and beyond to make itself accessible to the point im sure some people might find it low brow, ridiculous or distasteful as a result. Also it might make you uncomfortable if you can’t stomach the mild sexual themes involving teenagers but I’d argue its literally the tamest example of it out of literally any Ikuhara anime to date, sexual themes involving teenagers have literally always been there in his work and imo despite Sarazanmai being like. a butt joke anime where teenage boys transform into kappas to probe peoples butts to free them of their worldly desires every night its utilized in a far less uncomfortable way than like literally anything else he’s been involved with (and I’m one of those people who argues the sexual themes 100% are necessary to his work bc they’re often about the end of adolescence and the different types of love you can feel for a person. and showing where the line is crossed between different types of love and particularly when love becomes toxic or abusive is integral to those themes) I mean there are lots of things I could ‘warn’ for but its all the kind  of stuff you’d find in literally any other Ikuhara show. Do you like Ikuhara’s other stuff? Congrats you’ll probably like Sarazanmai. Does Utena transforming into a car at the end of the Utena movie send you into a blind rage bc WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Probably dont watch Sarazanmai. Would I recommend it as your first Ikuhara show? Idk Maybe? Like I personally still think Utena and Penguin Drum are better but I think Sarazanmai is maybe more watchable if you just want to get your mind fucked and also potentially laugh/cry a lot in as few episodes as possible

#im not tagging this bc i think somehow people will wrongly misconstrue it as hate #its not though i loved it #its just a fucking ridiculous show and if you expect it not to be you probably won't like it #im also a lot easier to make laugh than cry so im not saying the average person wont have their heartstrings pulled #I just think the humor to drama ratio leans stronger towards humor a lot of the time #even the drama can be sorta silly like These boys just REALLY wanna play soccer 2gether again #or that ass facing pose reo does in the middle of fighting to avenge his love #yes bitch and i crie every tim #ok thats more than 5 appends i can tag it now #long post #sarazanmai

[girlreviewsgirlmovies]

Jane the Virgin (Episode 1)

Okay, I don’t want to be that person who reviews a show based on one episode, because unlike movies, a single episode is not a single piece that can always be taken individually but...

Someone please let me know if this gets better? Because the way this episode portrays sexuality in general is kind of rubbing me the wrong way. It’s not entirely in the text, but there is some significant virginity-related actual text that comes before it so my mind was very aware of whether it would actually put effort to subvert the message it gives in the first few minutes or reiterate the message throughout the rest. Let me break it down.

Pre-emptive disclaimer: keep in mind I am a deconstructionist. If the show later does things that go against my first impression and deconstruct itself, that’s great, but this is just the messages that I felt were apparent in episode one. 

So we open up on our protagonist Jane in her childhood years, getting the good old harmful chewed-gun monologue that has made girls think that losing their virginity makes them less valuable as people from her grandmother, whose using the “crumpled up flower” version. Cut to years later when Jane is an adult whose made the choice to stay a virgin. Now, every woman 100% has the right to make this choice themselves, but the show lets us know this by specifically showing Jane has the flower framed on her wall and when her boyfriend is making out pretty heavily with her she looks at it, and when a petal drops she cuts things off. This flower is set up to represent Jane, and shows that by making out with this guy Jane is loosing something, she’s going too far. Not exactly the best symbolism to launch at us right after another character actually gives us the “having sex makes you worth less as a person” monologue. 

Now, I’m okay with the character feeling this way if the show admits at some point that her mindset is unhealthy-- because seriously, if she’s so caught up in this virgin thing that she’s got the flower framed, she’s probably too caught up in it to have a healthy relationship with sex within marriage either. The problem with the flower or gum monologue is that there is no metaphorical equivalent of getting married for a chewed piece of gum. It’s value is diminished no matter what the context it was chewed in, and it’s a documented fact that some girls internalize this teaching so much that they still feel like they’ve lost something of themselves when they have sex within marriage. And it’s okay if the character feels this way and they address it, but I’m not going to be impressed if this character ever gets married and there isn’t backlash from this teaching without a whole lot of character development between now and then. Someone tell me if the show is worth my time and addresses the psychological implications in its premise or if it just glosses over this as if the chewed gum monologue is a healthy way to teach abstinence. 

Anyways, cut to some guy having a conversation with his wife. Now, she says one line that kind of rings the, “Maybe this person is a bit greedy” alarm bell that the only people who feel guilty about taking money are the ones who have too much, but this woman is labelled as his wife and she tells him to calm down and gets on her knees... cut from blowjob to the on-screen text calling her a “maneater”. Hilarious blowjob pun on the surface, considering the show then indicates that the man is unhappy in this relationship... but we haven’t seen that much yet, so this line not-so-subtly connects the fact this girl is a bad person with the fact she gives her own husband blowjobs before she even does anything bad. I mean, maybe it was just a blowjob pun and this girl is going to be a great person, but blowjobs are not the first thing I think of when I see the word “maneater”, it’s literally a word for slut, and it’s a word for women taking advantage of men without caring about them. Considering this show has already given us a speech of “virginity good, sex bad”, this scene gives me the impression that going forward the show will be reinforcing the opinions of the characters, not just representing characters with these opinions. Because Virgin Protagonist Good, Blowjob Lady Bad. 

Next concern comes in the show introducing a lesbian character. Now, representation is great... but the first impression we get of her wife is that the wife is loose (she’s having an affair). Then our lesbian character whose been cheated on makes a huge medical error that causes problems for our protagonist. Not to say that lesbians aren’t people who make mistakes just like all other people, especially (in terms of the doctor) when they have a good reason to be upset and off their game... but I’m not super impressed that within its first ten minutes the show is 2/2 on lesbian characters doing bad things. And honestly this kind of also connects to the umbrella of “Bad Women Have Sex” because these are two married lesbians.

Next comes what I was expecting, which is the character realizing there’s a misunderstanding... and the show goes, “Alas, it was too late”. Except, it wasn’t. Plan B... like, exists. Call Jane back, tell her immediately that she was mixed up with another patient, give her the pill, and the egg would be prevented from implanting. So this kind of connects back, for me, to the idea that once you have sex you’re a damaged person that the show has shown us so far. 

Beyond that, the show loses basically all of the doubt I was giving it for happening to make a character making a mistake whose a lesbian, because instead of calling Jane right back and trying to fix the problem, our lesbian doctor starts looking for a lawyer. Sorry, you just went from “character making an understandable mistake” to “character being a terrible person”. We do get another lesbian introduced here, though, so at least it’s now only 2/3 at the moment for bad people lesbians... no wait, the ex here tells her not to say anything because she could lose her license instead of, “Hey, you know, maybe don’t wreck a person’s life to try to protect yourself from a medical malpractice suit over medical malpractice you actually committed.” Maybe I’m having a strong reaction here because I’m childfree and afraid of pregnancy, but seriously, I’m counting this as 3/3 terrible lesbians here. 

And don’t get me wrong, I get that this is jumping through loops because the point of the show is a virgin pregnancy and it wouldn’t happen if these characters did the compassionate thing... but seriously, you had to introduce four people being dicks in the first episode when any of them could have been men, and you made all of them women and one of them a lesbian. Well, I mean, there was a dude who was a dick when the sperm-sample guy mistook Jane for someone he saw at a strip club but honestly, while I get her being insulted he thought she was a stripper, but it’s honestly that much a dick move. A stripper isn’t a bad person or anything... but this show is treating all sexual women as bad women so far so that kind of fits in with all that bad impression.

And honestly it just keeps going in introducing sexual women and then indicating they’re bad women. Jane’s mom checks out a guy on the bus and then goes off about how “slutty Crystal” is cheating and sending nudes. 

And now we’re back to Shitty Doctor and she’s literally told the father before she’s told Jane and MY GOD LADY YOU JUST REALLY HAVE TO BE THE WORST POSSIBLE PERSON IN THIS SCENARIO DON’T YOU? She does at least offer an abortion pill very chill and nonchalantly, which is honestly more than I expected of this show at this point... 

Okay, so her boyfriend proposes despite their timeline, which makes me lose a little respect for him... but to be honest, I do think it’s a realistic portrayal of a virgin-until-marriage relationship for the most part. A lot of religious abstinence-only young people do marry early in part because of the no-sex-before-marriage thing. Even if he says that’s not it. There’d be no reason not to stick to the timeline, really, if they can’t raise kids right this moment (because like, he don’t know she pregnant), except so they can start having sex. 

I was ready to give this show some credit for showing Jane thinking about it and talking to her boyfriend before deciding about the abortion, but while I’m totally okay with the character deciding to keep the baby because that’s her choice... I am kind of disapproving of the fact that actually it starts right in on the idea 

Oh, and it turns out Jane’s mom got pregnant as a teenager for “being irresponsible” (Jane’s words, but still, the show has very much aligned us with her here as the straight man, and she literally says she doesn’t want to turn out like her mom) and “grandma made you [have me]”. And we’ve seriously moved into anti-abortion and punish-kids-with-pregnancy area here. Loosely, not as heavy-handed as the “sex is bad, virginity good” theme that the show has been hammering. 

And then we have the sperm-donor and his wife literally deciding they want the child before Jane even decides if she’s going to keep the child, let alone if she’s decided she wants a complete stranger in her child’s life just because it was his sperm. And now that they’d meeting, I’m realizing that telling the dad not only what happened but Jane’s name was a huge illegal privacy breech. Seriously, if this lady doesn’t get her license revoked by the end of this I’m going to scream... And like, by the time he tracks her down, she might’ve already had an abortion and he just like... assumes she hasn’t? I dunno, I’m just getting the jeebies from the way this subject is being handled. I’m glad she did actually consider it fully, it wasn’t just “Hey, I’m glad I wasn’t aborted so I won’t abort”. Like, she’s thought this through a lot. 

“You didn’t drop the cancer card”. First off, at least props to him for not doing that. She doesn’t owe him a biological child just because it’s his only chance and I’m glad that the show has kind of shown that. Given, I’m still seething about the fact that he even had the tools (name) to track her down... But in this same scene, we definitely learn Petra is a maneater in the non-punny sense of the word. And a gold-digger. So yeah, still pretty much all for all on sexual women getting a bad name here...

URG. Grandma on the other hand, did not think this through. She’s doing the whole “I’m glad you weren’t aborted so you can’t abort this baby will be the best part of your life!” thing. And we don’t address the fact Grandma was snooping in Jane’s room and feels personally fucking betrayed by what she thinks Jane chose to do with her own damn body. 

“I’ll convince your brother not to report you to the medical board.” UMMM JANE CAN/SHOULD DO THAT TOO. SHE’S THE ONE WHO’S PREGNANT NON-CONSENSUALLY. HELLO. 

“I want to support you no matter what, but I don’t want to support you with another guy’s kid.” Sorry, but this was Artificial Insemination Rape here. I mean, I’m glad this asshole showed his feathers and will be gone from her life, but seriously. His girlfriend basically has a rape baby and he’s telling her that if she doesn’t abort it he doesn’t want to be with her... god. I mean, I would break up with him and then abort it, to be honest, if I were her, but. Look, I’m just pissed that they’re representing the one pro-abortion argument besides Jane’s, who we know preemptively is going to be convinced away from because that’s the whole point of the show, by this absolute asshole just being an asshole. Jane says “Of course I get why” but like... you really shouldn’t. You really, really shouldn’t. You are the victim here of medical malpractice, and he can either treat the kid like his own if you chose to have it or he’s an asshole. DNA don’t mean shit. You didn’t cheat, so there shouldn’t be a problem. (Further convinced this guy proposed for sex, btw).

Just on a completely separate note here than the “sex bad, virgin good” thing this whole thing has going on... I’m not particularly impressed that this show broke up two interracial couples in the first episode. Nothing much to say on that, just... I dunno, with having three terrible lesbians and now this, just... not impressed. And then got them back together after we already know they’re unhealthy relationships... *sigh*

Positives: POC represent. (And I know it’s weird to put this as an end note after talking about how I think certain things the Latino characters are spouting which is probably a realistic thing... my problem isn’t that, it’s how the universe of the show in general appears to align with what they say and tell us that thematically we should be aligning with the things they’re saying.) That there are lesbian characters at all. And to be fair there is still the one thing against my read of “sex bad” in that Jane does get pregnant despite doing “everything right”, which is almost a hint of a subversion of the “sex uses you up” theme. Characters having opinions is fine, my only issue is that the show seems to be aligning us with some pretty toxic opinions, 

So just... someone tell me if the “sex bad” message gets better or not.

#not a movie #jane the virgin #s01e01 #tv shows

[reading-while-queer]

Six of Crows, Leigh Bardugo

Rating: Great Read Genre: Fantasy Representation: -Gay/bi protagonists (ensemble) -Two protagonists of color (ensemble) -Disabled protagonist (ensemble) -Mentally ill protagonist (unspecified, trauma related) Note: Not sexually explicit Trigger warnings: Violence, Death, Graphic injury, Fantasy drug abuse, Rape/sex trafficking/CSA (not in scene; character backstory), Guns, Slavery, Racism (exotification), Genocide (explicit; Holocaust metaphor)

Six of Crows was a great read, hands down.  It was not without its problems, but I want to focus first on how it was successful. I read Six of Crows—a hefty tome, to say the least--in a little over a month.  I couldn’t put it down.  Bardugo does an excellent job maintaining tension and keeping the plot rolling, which is especially impressive considering the frequency with which her characters recall the past.  What I liked the best was the unpredictable nature of the plot.  Bardugo holds back just enough information to keep the reader guessing without becoming frustrated.  This is done expertly by telling the story through multiple character perspectives.  The reader worries alongside them that they will never to be able to get out of the latest mess they’ve gotten themselves into—until another character reveals they have planned for this all along.  It’s a narrative trick that Bardugo uses again and again—and damned if it doesn’t work every time.

The premise of Six of Crows is that a ragtag team of criminals are hired to break into an impenetrable palace and rescue a political prisoner before said prisoner is either killed or coerced into releasing the secret formula to a super-drug that transforms magic-using Grisha into human weapons.  Six of Crows is a heist novel, which isn’t my usual cup of tea, but it helps that the characters aren’t suave spies who know exactly what they’re doing. Bardugo does a great job humanizing her cast.  They have weaknesses from gambling to trauma to romantic crushes.  They don’t know that they are going to get out of this heist alive, but the money is too good to turn down, and each of them have a desperate need for it.  The fact that the main cast themselves aren’t confident they will pull of their heist adds to the tension and makes for some delightful storytelling.

Beyond pacing and plot, I felt that the characters were well developed and had interesting dynamics with one another.  They had fears, weaknesses, allegiances, histories, and relationships that grew and changed as the story progressed.  I won’t spoil any romances beyond saying that there are a few, and that I was, for the most part, satisfied with their progression.

As for representation, I had heard that I would have to get through this book to get to the sequel before any queer relationships began to develop.  While it’s true that there is no queer romance in book one, two characters in Six of Crows are clearly queer—they don’t necessarily have to get together for them to be valid representation.  They flirt, they dance around the possibility of reciprocated feelings, and it’s all very cute.  Most importantly of all, they have character traits beyond their queerness—it isn’t central to their motivation, which is refreshing.

The straight romance is hit or miss.  One couple has an extremely satisfying progression to their relationship.  But the other romance is so aggravating that it makes me reconsider rating Six of Crows so highly.  Which brings me to the Holocaust metaphor.  In Bardugo’s fantasy world, Grisha, or magic users of various disciplines, are persecuted by the reactionary Fjerdan government.  Fjerda is at war with Ravka, which boasts the Second Army, all of them Grisha magic users collected from various nations where being Grisha puts them at risk of slavery or execution.  Fjerda’s citizenry is white, blonde haired, and blue eyed. The country is vaguely Nordic in religion and language, and its people value discipline. Of all the countries, Fjerda is the most violent towards Grisha—Grisha are perceived as less than human, and are burned to death on pyres by the elite military of Druskelle—who wear black uniforms. Fjerda is very clearly a parallel to Nazi Germany.  

This is made worse by two things:

First, Six of Crows pairs a Druskelle and Grisha romantically, which was never going to be satisfying.  I won’t give too many spoilers as far as whether they get together, but regardless of the outcome, it wasn’t a good call.  You can’t have your Holocaust metaphor and your romance, it’s like having your cake and eating it too.  The narrative wants you to pity Mattias for the torment of loving Nina while seeing her as an inhuman abomination.  The fact that Nina loves him too is incredibly frustrating considering how solid her character is otherwise.  Bardugo put forth a valiant effort to earn a romantic relationship between them, but no effort would have been enough.  I’m sure the relationship—and Mattias’ redemption arc alone—is enough to make Six of Crows a deal-breaker for some.

Second, you can’t have a heavy-handed Holocaust metaphor and also try to make the point that both sides have their problems.  The Grisha fight back, often fighting dirty, and this is used in the book to open Nina’s eyes to the Fjerdan perspective.  Which wouldn’t be so bad if Bardugo didn’t lean so hard on the Nazi metaphor, from the black uniforms to the racial coding.  Again: I can very easily see this being a deal-breaker.

And continuing on the thread of deal-breakers…I personally liked how the novel handled race and gender marginalization, but it might be triggering to some readers.  The two female protagonists are victims of slavery or sex trafficking.  Inej was trafficked into sex work before being bought out of her contract.  Nina was threatened with rape when she was captured by Druskelle.  The threat of sexual violence is a heavy weight on both of them.  Personally, I thought that it was handled well as an element of worldbuilding.  It wasn’t played for shock value.  I felt that while exploring the histories of characters from the “Barrel”—a slum in Ketterdam (fantasy Amsterdam), it would be remiss to skip over the ugliness.  Happily, while Bardugo usually doesn’t shy away from graphic brutality, she spares the reader graphic detail when it comes to sexual violence.

As for race, I felt that Bardugo constructed race in her fantasy world with careful attention to how race would be understood on a global stage that never had racial slavery. There is exoticism—“Suli (Middle Eastern) lynx,” for example, is the racial caricature foisted on Suli sex workers. Shu Han (East Asian) and Zemeni (African) people have their own caricatures as well.  But exoticism seems to be more based on nationality than race: “Fjerdan (Nordic) wolf” and “Kaelish (Irish) mare” are apparently equally dehumanizing caricatures.  The only time race plays a role in the book is in identifying people or attempting to avoid identification.  The main cast is searching for a Shu Han man, and scan prisoners for racialized features. Inej, who is Suli, likewise worries that her and Jesper’s skin tone will make them stand out in a pale-skinned Fjerdan crowd.  But discrimination doesn’t come into play.  Difference is noted, but there is no systemic oppression.  Suli and Zemeni and Shu Han characters make their way in the world unmolested.  The “White” nationalities, Kerch, Fjerdan, and Kaelish, regard each other with the same eye of difference, not common race. In their world, colonization exists, but it is just beginning.  One can sense global change on the horizon—just not quite yet.

This brings me to a spoiler-y point.  I recommend skipping this paragraph if you don’t want to be spoiled on a plot point near the end of the book.  One Kerch character (fantasy Dutch/German) elects to disguise himself as another character who doesn’t share his race/nationality.  The disguise may or may not be permanent, but the Kerch character takes the chance that he might look like another character forever.  It is necessary in order to pull off a trick Kaz is planning, but of course divorced from Bardugo’s invented world, it’s blackface/yellowface/brownface.  A lot of readers might be very uncomfortable with this. If the world of Kerch and Fjerda and Ravka were real, it wouldn’t be racist.  There is no history there that would lead to a taboo on black/brown/yellowface: it would a neutral disguise like any other.  But reading from our world, it recalls a lot of pain.  I’m not prepared to say it’s a bad thing that one character uses magic to change his appearance to match another’s out of disguise/necessity in the context of a de-racialized world.  I think that it sets up an interesting problem for the sequel--a problem that can’t be explored outside of fantasy literature--and I’m interested (if concerned) about how Bardugo will handle it.  Hopefully with more delicacy than the Druskelle/Grisha Holocaust metaphor.  Then again, much like the disaster of a Holocaust metaphor, whether or not the fantasy world justifies it doesn’t matter if it causes real world distress to readers of color.  All I can say is: read with caution.

All this, and I have said nothing about Kaz.  

The real delight of this book is Kaz Brekker, the leader of the heist and feared gang member back in Ketterdam.  His character illustrates the relationship between poverty and trauma.  The trauma is not an addendum to his character with little impact; rather, it is a part of him that shapes his relationships and impacts his ability to make decisions.  I thought the handling illustrated well how trauma integrates itself with a person.  The topic was taken seriously and handled with care.

Kaz’s physical disability is important to discuss, too—Kaz uses a cane full-time as a result of a badly healed break.  His relationship to his disability is well executed, and given that it comes from a disabled author, that is little surprise.  His cane is not a symbol of disaster, but rather, of strength.  It is his weapon as well as his mobility, and he views it as a symbol of his rise from the ashes.  With his cane, he goes from barely surviving to practically running a major gang.  

Altogether, and despite it’s marked flaws, I have decided to rate Six of Crows highly.  The idea is original and well-executed.  The characters are well developed, and you will be extremely worried for them as you read.  You’ll root for the queer characters as they slowly reveal more of themselves.  Disability, queerness, and trauma of all kinds are handled very well.  What isn’t handled well is really in bad taste--that cannot be overlooked.  I just regret that it might prohibit some readers from enjoying an otherwise great novel.

For more from Leigh Bardugo, visit her website here.

#six of crows #leigh bardugo #great read #fantasy #gay #bi #protagonist of color #disabled protagonist #mentally ill protagonist #ya only #reviews only

[cosmosogler]

hmm. i didn’t sleep well last night even with the podcast. maybe had the wrong volume. and i woke up for the last time at about 7 with a cramp in my leg and that was pretty bad. then i just laid there on my back for 25 minutes until my alarm went off and then i got up.

i was kinda hoping that biking for an hour would exhaust me. i guess i am an endless well of energy. trickle by trickle i always got what i need for physical stamina. sometimes.

that’s been true for a long time. mom and dad always complained that i had no pain tolerance. and i can’t sprint forever, sure. but this is basically the longest/hardest i’ve ever biked aside from that ride downhill along the glacier in alaska, but that really hurt my wrists for like a week afterward. i always feel tired, the whole time, but i never really... stop. i guess that’s a suitable metaphor for my life.

mom and dad complain about a lot of things about me that probably aren’t true. but... i don’t really have a standard to compare their comments to. i’ve talked about that before... i don’t have a good feel for my personality. i’m unsure of the decisions i might make when under pressure and i don’t like that. it’s not like i feel like i’m nothing. i feel like i’m everything.

and the comments about me, to my face? are also everything. and the comments about me when they think i’m not around. also everything.

but i never feel like i’m acting different than how i normally act!!! what gives? which is it? am i cold or warm? am i deeply intelligent or deeply stupid? i make some pretty stupid decisions. being a physicist doesn’t make me smart automatically.

am i honest or two-faced? am i egotistical and too good to interact with other people or do i have no self esteem? 

in some cases i can be both in different situations, sure, i accept that people act differently sometimes. but i can’t be everything all the time. some of these comments happen on the same day.

sometimes i’ll think i am being perfectly reasonable and people will laugh at me for getting so worked up and i don’t understand because i was using my normal voice. maybe i was annoyed? but not upset by any measure. i’m getting that a lot now... jennica always laughs and says “that sounded REALLY sarcastic” when i say stuff like “i think the fire brigade is cool, my brother wants to be a firefighter and i want to be supportive.” 

i don’t know what her game is there. i don’t know why she keeps saying that. sometimes she puts her hands over her mouth like i said something monstrous when i am having a conversation with another classmate. she doesn’t come across as doing it on purpose. but now she is introducing me to her family members as “this is sammie, i can never tell if she’s being sarcastic or not” and i either have to try to smile through the pain and say “nice to meet you” and hear jennica say “SEE!?” or make an openly sassy comment about the conversation i’m having with my classmates at the bar.

i guess there’s more than two options of course. there are infinite ways to follow up an introduction. 

man i haven’t even described the day i am having today. 

i got up and showered and had a bowl of cereal for breakfast. i waited for suzanne to leave home to get to the book convention, then i waited another ten minutes, then i biked over. it took like six minutes to get there so it wasn’t a big deal even though my butt cried every time i hit a crack in the sidewalk.

no bike lane on main street. that’s why i was on the sidewalk.

i got to the warehouse and asked where everyone was in the group chat. then i went inside and looked at some books. i picked five out fairly quickly- i was only allowing myself to get 4 or 5. i got a mark twain humor theory thing, a biography of mary poppins’ author, a compilation of african mythologies, a big collection of king arthur stories, and a compilation of southwestern native american fairy tales. 

i found jennica by the mythology shelf. i asked her why she didn’t tell me she was here when i asked where everyone was. she shrugged and then tried to convince me that the brothers grimm fairy tales were the originals and also the best thing ever because they were so dark and brutal. 

it occurs to me in retrospect that she probably doesn’t know very much about me or my interests or how many hours i’ve put into studying world mythology. 

(not as many as i’d like, but more than she thinks.)

i paid for my books and then found suzanne’s fiance jake in the parking-lot-turned-courtyard. he’s not in the group chat so i wasn’t mad or anything that time. he let me sit by him and we talked about the book he’d found- “beyond the human eye” i think it was called. it had microscopic and telescopic images and looked like it weighed 20 pounds. i know he’s super antisocial, but he seemed to not be bothered by the one-on-one conversation. maybe that’s mostly a “party with people he doesn’t know” situation. i don’t know him very well yet. we seem to have a lot in common though.

eventually he mentioned that he’d found a pokemon book and thought of me. he asked if i wanted to see it. before i could register the information i’d said “sure” so we were back in the entrance. i made finger guns at the security guard because i’d asked kind of dazed questions the first time i went in and he was reasonably patient with me. we left our backpacks by him at his request.

we didn’t find the book but that was ok. when we went back outside we found suzanne, who had brought rebika, adamya, and her brother alex. then ioannis showed up. jake told suzanne that we’d been looking for the pokemon book and i cut in with “i don’t even play it around you guys that much i don’t know why you associate pokemon with me.”

suzanne looked at me like i was high. she said i play it all the time. i play for 5-10 minutes a day to do the daily stuff, but this week i had been playing it more because i was stressed... i told her it was a good way to feel accomplished because it’s only a matter of “doing the thing a lot” in order to get the thing i want.

in retrospect i think i was resetting for that jolly marshadow for like 25 minutes while hanging out with them last saturday. but i do mostly play at home and not particularly at the office.

anyway i hung out for a while and then we went to get brunch at a cafe across town. i looked at jennica, who was driving me and ioannis, and i said “it’s way easier to appreciate how fast a car is once you’ve had to walk or bike the same distance.” we basically drove the same exact path i’d used to get home last night.

we were at the cafe until like 1:45... mostly talking about etymology. i was a little antsy about the time, just because i had a lot of things to do today (i was right to be worried). we ogled some vultures hanging out by a lake and i took a bunch of pictures because there were like 30 of them sitting around. then half of us went shopping while the other half either got driven home or back to the warehouse to grab our bikes. i was already exhausted.

i got back to the apartment just in time to grab my box from amazon before the office closed. snoopy’s cat walk-through brush was in there! i set it up and sprinkled some catnip on it like i was feeding some fish. within two minutes snoopy was rolling around under it so i watched her do that for a while. she really loves it. i can never quite get her chin the right way when i brush her so now she can do it however she wants.

instead of cleaning the apartment i watched youtube videos for a while. eventually i took a deep breath and called the crisis center. they can’t make recommendations and told me to ask my insurance, which is the opposite of what i wanted to do. i scrolled through google instead. there’s no one near me except one solitary therapist with no reviews or information. i did eventually find that she doesn’t take my insurance so i called a different one who is kind of nearby but also didn’t have any reviews or information except for a phone number. i left a message. if she’s not open on saturdays i might be in trouble though.

also the crisis center doesn’t do appointments on saturdays so that was out too.

i might have to just use my 12-ish allotted appointments with the on-campus counseling center... i didn’t really want to do that because it takes like 3 appointments to get established and then i’d just have to do this search all over again after the 12 meetings were up.

then i made myself some dinner. it wasn’t that great. it needed another dish to complement it but i really didn’t have the energy to make rice or anything.

after that i biked out to the grocery store... at like 6:30. i got everything i needed and i think i stayed within my budget? i got some halloween decorations for my window. and now it’s finally the time of year when it looks like i am being festive instead of having a random wooden skeleton hanging on my wall over the keyboard piano.

he keeps an eye on snoopy while i’m out.

biking home was a nightmare with the cat litter in the front basket throwing off the center of gravity. i had to carry TWO heavy bags on my shoulders instead of one and it was cutting off the blood supply to my arms. still kind of sore where the handle straps were digging into my skin.

after i got home i put everything away and STILL didn’t feel like cleaning the apartment so i...? not sure what i did. a bunch of different little insignificant things. looking through tumblr i guess.

i realized that none of my classmates know that i draw or write. it feels like it should be such a big part of me and yet... i just don’t talk about it. i don’t have much time to draw. i make time sometimes but i dunno. i don’t show them anything. i don’t think anyone even saw the “sunset” representation i drew during our lab introduction when the lecturer was describing how we use symbols and stuff. i talked about that several weeks ago. how she remembered mine and said it was unique i guess.

i started a short story that i was gonna write about someone else’s character, and i still have the general outline in my head, but... i guess the idea feels stupid. it’s really hard to write my characters these days. i don’t know how much emphasis to put on them when other people’s characters are also in the story. i always feel like they are stealing the spotlight. in stories that are written about them. yeah.

i wish... i had a better way to tell what people knew about me. like the pokemon thing genuinely surprised me. this has happened a lot. people say i talk about it constantly, all the time, but like... i dunno. i only remember bringing it up once a week at most in undergrad, just in little references. like “oh there’s an event this week.” 

i guess it might be because i’m not very self aware? am i? i sure feel self conscious. is that different from self aware? 

i make everything about myself. i have to remind myself that i write these for me first and that’s why they are long all-consuming black holes of talking about myself. because otherwise it feels like i’m the only thing i ever talk about. i can’t... share... most of the things i like or am interested in. it feels like. i know i talk about the things i like all the time. is that still talking about myself? i’m so confused.

i’m really struggling to figure out how to not talk about myself all the time. being stuck in a house with mom and dad for eight and a half months was probably not very good for my conversational ability. i don’t know how to talk about anything other than myself because i spent eight months doing nothing but living inside my own head and sometimes walking my dogs. i don’t have anything to talk about! i was my whole life for so long that i forget how to... not. i feel like i don’t focus on other people enough.

ha. that’s another thing. my old friends used to say that they thought their friendships with me were real one-sided because i would share my problems overwhelmingly and not listen to them. then i go to therapy and the therapist is like “people aren’t your friends because you don’t share anything about yourself and expect them to share everything.” 

WHICH IS IT??? WHICH??????? NOT BOTH!!!!!!!!

GOD! I REALLY STRUGGLE WITH MY RELIGION, OK? I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD COMMIT MORE TO A BUDDHIST LIFESTYLE BUT I CAN’T SEEM TO FORCE MYSELF TO AND I WORRY THAT THAT MAKES IT CULTURAL APPROPRIATION OR SOMETHING BECAUSE OH I’M FAKE BUDDHIST, I JUST WEAR IT AS A FASHION STATEMENT, I DON’T ACTUALLY PRACTICE BUT BELIEVE ME I REALLY AM PART OF THAT RELIGION. BELIEVING IN GOD WAS SO HARD EVEN UP UNTIL HIGH SCHOOL. I FELT LIKE GOD HATED ME AND HAD TO TELL MYSELF EVERY DAY THAT HE WOULD UNDERSTAND EVERYONE HE MADE BECAUSE HE KNEW EVERYTHING. AND YET CONTINUOUSLY HORRIBLE THINGS WOULD HAPPEN TO ME AND PEOPLE I CARED ABOUT.

MY POLITICAL VIEWS ARE HARD TO DEFINE. I FEEL LIKE I DON’T HAVE A WORD FOR MY COLLECTION OF BELIEFS. I DON’T HAVE A GOOD IDEA OF WHAT FINANCIAL SYSTEM WOULD WORK BEST. ALL OF THEM SUCK!!!!!!!! AND I CAN’T FIX THAT PROBLEM!!!!!!!!! SO I DON’T THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE OTHERWISE IT STRESSES ME OUT AND MAKES ME MISERABLE LITERALLY ALL DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WORRY THAT ALL THIS “NICENESS” AND “KINDNESS” AND “SWEETNESS” THAT OTHER PEOPLE DESCRIBE ME AS HAVING IS FAKE. I’M NOT ACTUALLY KIND. ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS MYSELF AND HOW I WOULD FEEL IF I WAS IN THEIR SITUATION. WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK ABOUT??? I’M NOT ACTUALLY KIND BECAUSE I’M NOT BRAVE. I CAN’T STAND UP FOR OTHER PEOPLE WHEN THERE’S TOO MUCH RISK I WILL GET HURT. I CAN’T STAND UP FOR MYSELF WHEN THERE’S TOO MUCH RISK I’LL GET HURT!!!!!!! IS THAT VIRTUE SIGNALLING? DO I JUST WANT THE ATTENTION WITHOUT ACTUALLY MAKING A COMMITMENT? I DON’T KNOW!

AM I EVEN CAPABLE OF MAKING A COMMITMENT? I DON’T EVEN PRACTICE POKEMON BATTLES BEFORE I ENTER COMPETITIONS AND THEN I GET BUMMED WHEN I DON’T WIN HALF THE TIME! WHAT DID I EXPECT?????? YOU HAVE TO PRACTICE TO BE ANY GOOD AT ANYTHING AND I DON’T PRACTICE ANYTHING BECAUSE I SPEND ALL MY TIME DOING NOTHING BECAUSE I’M AFRAID IF I MOVE I WON’T BE ABLE TO STOP MYSELF FROM HURTING MYSELF. BECAUSE I HATE MYSELF!

AND I THINK VIDEO GAMES AND CARTOONS ARE REALLY COOL AND I LIKE TONS OF CHARACTERS AND THEY SHOW UP IN MY DREAMS BUT IT’S WEIRD BECAUSE MY BRAIN JUST KIND OF PICKS OUT RANDOM FACES FOR ROLES AND PERSONALITIES IT MAKES UP FOR THE PURPOSE OF THE DREAM SO IT’S NOT REALLY THAT CHARACTER IT’S JUST GOT THEIR MASK ON.

I STILL THINK YOSHI IS REALLY CUTE AND I LIKE USING HIM IN SMASH BROS BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN PLAYING AS HIM FOR 20 YEARS AND IT’S WHAT I’M GOOD AT. BUT I’M ALSO REALLY GOOD AT BOWSER SO IT’S OK RIGHT??? IT’S NOT NERDY RIGHT???????????

LOOK AT HOW MUCH I DON’T KNOW ABOUT ANIME, WHICH I ACTUALLY DO KNOW ABOUT, I’M NOT A NERD RIGHT??????????????? YOU CAN’T TELL THAT I’M FAKING IGNORANCE RIGHT??????????????????

I REALLY LIKE UNDERTALE AND I WILL LISTEN TO THE SOUNDTRACK AS MANY TIMES AS I WANT AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME STOP BUT I STILL DIE INSIDE IF SOMEONE SEES MY YOUTUBE RECOMMENDATIONS AND SEES “RUINS EXTENDED.”

DO YOU KNOW HOW FASCINATING FILM THEORY IS? I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT’S WHAT I THINK ABOUT! THERE! IT’S WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE! BUT MAYBE YOU ALREADY KNEW ALL THIS BECAUSE I AM SUBCONSCIOUSLY TALKING ABOUT ALL OF THIS ALL THE TIME AND I DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE ANY SECRETS OR ANY CONTROL OVER WHAT I SAY OR DO OR WHAT PEOPLE THINK OR KNOW ABOUT ME! I DON’T HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS AROUND ME OR TO ME! I’M JUST A REALLY NERDY LUMP WHO HAS NO SKILLS AND NO ACTUALLY GOOD QUALITIES! ONLY FAKE GOOD QUALITIES! I DON’T REMEMBER HOW TO CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE AFTER I SPEND TIME AT HOME AND I HAVE TO AWKWARDLY RE-LEARN HOW TO BE CONCERNED IN FITS AND SURPRISED STARTS- OH! TAYLOR SEEMS TO ACTUALLY BE UPSET! MAYBE I SHOULD ASK IF HE’S OK??? IS THAT HOW YOU CARE ABOUT PEOPLE AGAIN??????????

I THINK I HAVE ALL THESE SECRETS BUT I DON’T! I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING! I CAN’T EVEN LIE RIGHT BECAUSE I CAN’T TELL IF I AM OR NOT ANY MORE!

#sorry i had a mental breakdown in the last half #i want to sleep but im really worked up haha #not sure what to do about that i dont have anyone to talk to #i dont have anyone to talk to for real though

[jacscorner]

Toku-Talk 01: Puroresu Sentai Grappleranger

Welcome to the first episode of Toku-Talk, where I write out my own suggestions for a Tokusatsu show! Keep in mind when I use terms like 'Super Sentai' or 'Kamen Rider', then it's just to give you a rough idea of what my vision is. These are meant to be more like rough concepts and not meant to directly fit into a a specific series. With that out of the way... Puroresu Sentai Grappleranger, or "Wrestler Sentai Grapplerangers", or Power Rangers Masked Wrestling would be a series with a heavy focus around wrestling, mask symbolism, and big cats. Think Tiger Mask crossed with Super Sentai- in fact, you'll see a lot of influence from the former if you know the series. Prior to the series, there was a Face Wrestler-meaning they're considered 'good guys' in wrestling-who would fight against a series of Heels-bad guys. The Heels were part of an organization of evil Devil Wrestlers, we'll call the org. Black Mask. Black Mask was defeated by our Face, but he was severely injured and had to hang up his mask. Years past and the old wrestler is now a trainer for five new wrestlers who are the only ones who can step into the ring-be it an actual ring or metaphorical-where they pull on their masks and transform into the Grapplerangers. Speaking of which, this is where the 'mask symbolism' of this series comes from. Masks and alter egos play a huge role in the story, as the rangers have to take on new personas when 'stepping into the ring' in order to help hide their identity-as well as help them build their stage presence against opponents and in their hopeful careers of professional wrestling. Masks are also the transformation devices in this series. When the coresponding ranger puts on their respective masks. they glow their corresponding color and their full uniforms, helmet and suits, come on. Each Ranger wears a suit of their color with a helmet that looks like it was designed more to be a wrestler's mask. Men's uniforms look like they're wearing black trunks over their color-coded outfits, the women's look like black leotards. And naturally, all the helmets are designed off of big cats. GrappleRed/GrappleLion: Ambitious young super star, a straight Face. His mask is based off of a Lion. He's a well-rounded fighter, making him a Jack of All Trades, Master of Known. This is something that hinders him later on while the rest of the team have a specialty, but he lacks any sort of strength. When fighting, he takes the persona of a superhero, something along the lines of a Superman, high moral character. Under the mask, he's quiet and indecisive, would rather stand in the background instead of the limelight. His Finishing Move is the Lion Pride, where he grabs a foe from behind, jumps into the air-or off of a high spot-and performs a backwards suplex. GrappleBlue/GrappleLynx: A more technical fighter, an old-school style that focuses more on joint locks. Her mask is based off of a Lynx. When fighting, she comes off as a cold, heartless woman and will verbally confirm to her enemies she enjoys the sound of their bones breaking. Under the mask, she's incredibly shy and a crybaby, she absolutely can't stand the idea of people-well, other than monsters-getting hurt. Her finishing move, the Lynx Lock, is something along the lines of the Boston Crab. Ala anime, the screen goes black and you see blue kanji for 'menacing' or 'death' as a cracking noise is heard. GrappleGreen/GrappleTiger: The physically strongest fighter, Green specializes in throwing Lariats and throws. His mask is based off of a Tiger. In the ring, he's very boastful of his strength and will make loud declarations of how he will defeat his opponents-a gag of sorts is how his claims, like being able to pick and up and throw mountains will be incorporated in the visuals. Without the masks, he prefers to spend his time in textbooks and is a vivid reader. He has a passion for writing and wants to write a novel. His finishing move is the Tiger Tornado, where he spin like a tornado with his arms extended, either dragging people into his vortex or just knocking them around with his stretched out arms. GrappleYellow/GrappleCheetah: A total heel and mischievous character, GrappleYellow starts off as the weakest member and will fight dirty, but he's also the slickest and fastest. His mask is based off of a Cheetah. He uses illegal moves, punches, and will grab lots of objects and will bring weapons to fight with. He slowly starts getting better, perfecting kicks and elbow blows, until he makes a complete Heel-Face-Turn and becomes a true wrestler. With the mask on, he acts more like a villain and even talks like one-the villains will even say things like, 'why aren't you on my team' and 'hey, we're on the same side! Stop attacking us'. With the mask off, he's much friendlier, down right cheerful. He does super nice things and you could never picture him as a heel. His finishing move, the Cheetah Charge, is a dropkick with a running start, with both his legs catching fire from how fast he runs. GrapplePink/GrappleCougar: A high-flying fighter who does lots of aerials and acrobatics-well, more so than the rest of the team. Her mask is based off of a Cougar. She jumps around and bounces of off opponents and teammates to perform aerial moves. With the mask on, she's a very flirty temptress who lures monsters in close before she strikes. Outside of the ring, she's got a bad attitude, with the rest of the team just outright calling her a brat, Her signature move, the Cougar Crush, is her kicking/jumping off something before descending on her target, delivering a high kick atop their heads and a knee kick from below. Out masked heroes will have to wrestle both with Devil Wrestlers and their dual personas. such as GrapplePink flirting with GrappleRed as it's just part of her character and maybe starting to actually fall for him. Or GrappleYellow starting to act like a jerk outside his mask and wrestling-lol-with his identity. Aside from their respective finishers, the Rangers would all perform various moves throughout the fight and some combination moves with their respective teammates. I don't have any ideas for gadgets or weapons for them to carry around outside of their masks, as hand-to-hand combat is a big focus on this season. It's also why I don't have any ideas for mechas. Later on in this series, as Ranger tradition, we'd get some Sixth Rangers...well, I guess that'd make them Sixth and Seventh Rangers... GrappleShadow/GrapplePanther: A reformed villain who becomes a 7th ranger. Wait, 7th? Yeah, 7th. He's introduced as a strong minion early on-think something along the lines of Ikagen from Uchuu Sentai Kyuranger or Goldar/Grifforzor from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers/Kyōryū Sentai Zyuranger. He was once a fresh-faced wrestler who could've become a star, but an accident put him in the hospital indefinitely. Until the Main Villain came around and GrappleShadow made a deal with the devil. Main Villain helped him walk and fight again if they wrestled for him. He's incredibly strong, often requiring the Rangers to retreat or defeating him with some sort of trick before he's eventually reminded the reason he wanted to wrestle; that he wanted to be someone children looked up to, not feared. He's defeated/stripped of his power and is sent back to the hospital. He'll later recover and is able to join the crew later as GrappleShadow, dawning a Panther-themed mask. He specialize choke holds. Both with and without the masks, he appear to be an aloof loner. But in reality, he's guilt ridden for all the things he's done and struggles with his terrible deeds. His special move, Panther Vengeance, is similar to a hangman's choke, wrapping their arms around the opponent and jumps in the air, landing on something and hanging the opponent. GrapplerSnow/GrappleLeopard: The ACTUAL Sixth Ranger. A mysterious lady wrestler, later to be revealed as the daughter of the coach. She lived with her Mother all this time and, against their wishes, became a famous and popular masked wrestler that gets referenced throughout the show as 'Snow Mask'. When she appears in the show, she dawns her own masks when the monsters appear, only this time, she transforms into a ranger, which is, of course, based off of a Snow Leopard. Her specialty is chops, knee blows, and submission holds. She appears to be the same strong willed, determined women with the mask on and off, but secretly, she's insecure and a try hard who wants the acceptance of others. She comes off as a cool loner when she's introduced because she's so socially awkward, she can't stand being around people, but she warms up later on. Her special move, the Snow Claw, is where she performs a clawhold-grabbing someone's face with her hand-before lifting them up in the air, crushing their head before they go limp, or 'freeze over'. Again, these are all still rough concepts. They could be improved or changed if this, for some reason, is ever made into an actual sentai series. Or changed into something not-sentai related. Or maybe if I get around to writing actual episodes for this. If you're reading this and want to write out this actual story, then be my guest. Just make sure you link it back to me so I can read it.

#Super Sentai #Power Rangers #Tokusatsu #JAC Concept #Tokusatsu Concept #Concept #Story Idea #Toku-Talk