#in a way thats like hey wink wink nudge nudge dont forget about the metaphor and themes with reys character and its like great thanks you

[ankhisms]

i dont want to be brave about it all any more i want to scream and cry but i must continue on somehow

#i am not beating the delusional allegations of being a character in a badly written story where the author whos writing me #is just being super heavy handed with their symbolism and metaphors and keeps having bad things happen or has me fuck up #in a way thats like hey wink wink nudge nudge dont forget about the metaphor and themes with reys character and its like great thanks you #suck at this. why do you love making things go wrong for me. its almost comical at this point. #i keep thinking that i kind of wish i could just turn off all my feelings because i feel things so much but on the other hand #there have been plenty of times when ive been hollow and havent felt anything or havent been the person in control and have been #unreal and not in my body. but its like god this sucks why am i so bad at everything. why cant i get anything right. why am i #never good enough both at things i try really hard to do and also just never good enough existing in general. there will always #be something inherently weird and inherently strange and offputting about me. anyway im stopping now before i spiral more #i just need to sleep and bottle it up and just make it thru