#instead i was born at just the right time to fully process how soulless the switch feels sometimes

[funky-dealer]

still absolutely PISSED i was born too late to experience club nintendo

#honestly nintendo during the dsi-3ds years was probably so so sooo fucking good #and i wouldnt know bc i was 6 and have the memory of a goldfish #instead i was born at just the right time to fully process how soulless the switch feels sometimes #do i sound old talking like this? most likely yea but dammit the 3ds was COOL

[babygirl06301]

When Did Dean Fall In Love With Cas?

tl;dr: S11

I’ve wanted to talk about this since the show ended and the Spanish dub that broke Tumblr came out. So, when did Dean Winchester fall in love with Castiel?

This is entirely my opinion of course, and I know there are some people that will say it was right away or that it never happened at all, but I wanted to put my thoughts out there so other people could tell me their thoughts, too. I’ll probably get off on some tangents here and there, so feel free to send me any Destiel thoughts you’ve got.

Also, it’s worth noting that, to me, there’s a difference between falling in love and actually being in love. I mean, if you’ve fallen in love with someone, every point in your relationship has been a stepping stone to that point, so I guess it’s all abstract, but still. Hence, S11 being my answer to this question.

Keep in mind I’m doing this without the benefit of a recent rewatch, so I may miss some behaviors from Dean that would change a few things.

Warning: sappy stuff ahead; read at your own risk (also crappy images).

S4-5

I don’t think it’s that big of a secret that Dean attached himself to Cas, like, right away. I mean, the dude never talks about his emotions, and yet, it took eight episodes of Cas being around for Dean to break down in front of him and talk about his fears. It’s almost like you could say that’s because they were always meant to fall for each other.

However, I don’t really the think the process of falling in love with Cas had started yet. I do think that Dean cared about Cas, but I don’t think it was anything extremely special. Reason being: it was the literal end times and Dean didn’t have that type of time. That, and I think there’s something to be said for being raised a certain way and believing certain things about yourself that affects how long it takes for you to notice that something has changed. So, yeah. I don’t think Cas had been around long enough at this point for Dean to start feeling anything more than kinship with him.

That’s not to say, though, that Dean didn’t subconsciously find Cas hot or get the warm fuzzies sometimes because:

I mean, come on.

S6-7

So, this era is weird because I do think something had begun to change in how Dean saw Cas, but I don’t think he got to fully begin the process of falling in love with him because: a.) Cas betrayed them and b.) Sam’s head was broken.

I’m gonna say something rude now: I think a lot of the Destiel moments in the beginning of S6 were born of Dean needing Castiel’s abilities as an angel and not of needing Cas. For example, Dean calling on Cas to help with the Staff of Moses or with Soulless!Sam. He was usually pretty demanding and sometimes curt with Cas and got irritable when Cas couldn’t help.

However, I think that Cas always being there despite his battle in Heaven began to shift Dean’s feelings toward him. I do think this change was almost imperceptible, but you can see Dean showing more and more concern for Cas as S6 progresses. Like this:

This is the primary reason I think Dean got so defensive of Cas when Bobby and Sam started suggesting that Cas was working with Crowley. It’s also why he got so hurt when he found out that Bobby and Sam were right.

Here’s my super abstract and vague take on it: he’d started feeling romantic emotions for Cas, but as soon as Cas’s betrayal was revealed, it got replaced with pain. Basically, Dean almost started to fall for Cas in S6, and then the Purgatory storyline interrupted it.

And then Cas died. Which didn’t help.

Here we enter S7, which has fuck all for Destiel content beyond the first two episodes—until Cas comes back. I know some people are going to say not to gloss over the trench coat thing, and fair enough. I think the keeping of the trench coat was akin to Dean trying to hold onto what he did feel for Cas, obviously not consciously. Almost as though Dean could tell he’d lost something special when Cas died, and not just in losing Cas, but in losing part of himself, a part that he didn’t know existed yet. I don’t consider the trench coat to be a sign that Dean was falling in love with Cas but a sign that he was about to or that he could’ve. Is that weak? Whatever.

Now, I do think that some shit got shaken loose when Dean saw Cas again because, for all intents and purposes, he should’ve been pissed. But instead he was... whatever this is:

I still, more or less, think that he was too preoccupied with Sam to really begin falling in love with Cas. I think that’s clear to see in how he treated Cas after he came back into the story for the final battle with the Leviathan. He did give the whole “I’d rather have you” speech, but all the stuff before that was more along the lines of “Nobody cares that you’re broken, Cas! Clean up your mess!” So, yeah.

S8

Okay, so this is where the Purgatory stuff comes in. In the words of the great John Mulaney, “we don’t have time to unpack all of that,” but this is where I believe Dean started falling in love with Cas.

Dean told Sam that Purgatory felt pure because he could only focus on the fight at all times... but he still had the emotional availability to worry about and search for Cas, so...

If I had to pick an exact moment, I’d say somewhere around here:

And thus, rather than just keeping a trench coat when he lost Cas, Dean literally rewired his own memories because he would rather think that he left Cas behind than think that Castiel chose to leave him.

From here, we can start seeing Dean paying attention to Cas more, noticing when he’s not being himself, and more than that, worrying about him in a more personal way. For instance, when Dean insists that Cas talk to him about what’s bothering him in “Hunteri Heroici.” Not to mention, Dean becomes a lot more emotionally vulnerable regarding his feelings for Cas. One example would be when he insists that he didn’t abandon Cas in Purgatory. Another would be, of course:

I would also mark this season as the season Dean’s prayers to Cas become more emotional and, at times, cathartic, as though he’s confiding in Cas. In “Remember the Titans,” for example, Dean prays to Cas to ask him to look out for Sam; the scene reads like Dean is asking for help but is, in equal measure, asking for Cas. This is also the first season an adversary pokes at Dean and Cas’s relationship in a way that specifically targets Dean and his feelings about Cas rather than Cas’s feelings about Dean as it had been before; this would be when Naomi says “You’re hoping Castiel will return to you.”

S9-S10

Well, these seasons are complicated to say the least because of Gadreel and the Mark of Cain. I don’t think, at this point, Dean ever stops feeling what he’s feeling for Cas. However, I do think that a lot of the hiccups throughout S9 and S10 made Dean step away from those feelings.

Of course, Dean is still stressing about Cas 24/7 in the beginning of S9 what with Cas being human, Cas being hunted, Cas dying, Cas working at a Gas-n-Sip—you know, drama. I think when Gadreel said that Cas needed to stay away if Dean wanted Sam to be healed, Dean had to let what he was feeling for Cas go—not that that means he stopped feeling it, mind you. No, I don’t think Dean consciously went, “Well, guess I’m done falling for this dude,” but I think he knew somewhere in his heart that it wasn’t the time.

Now, the Mark of Cain. The storyline that put the characters down on the page once and left them stagnant and unchanging until it was resolved. Now, as you might imagine, slowly turning into a demon that wants nothing but death would put a damper on any relationship. Finding Destiel in the B season for S9 and throughout S10 is hard. Especially on Dean’s end. 

There are moments when you can tell that Dean’s feelings for Cas are still there, and I would say, developing slowly, like the cheeseburger date. Probably the biggest Destiel moment in the entire Mark of Cain stretch is when Dean nearly kills Cas but resists, despite the Mark’s hold on him.

That’s really it, though. No backwards movement, but barely anything trending the opposite way, either.

S11

This is the Big Season™, the one I believe Dean fell in love with Cas in. Now, obviously, it isn’t like Dean lost the Mark, and boom, fell in love with Cas. Plus, there’s the whole pull-to-Amara thing. However, I don’t think falling in love necessarily has to be a big moment; I think it can just happen, and I think that’s what happened with Dean. At some point between the start of this season and Cas being released from Lucifer’s possession, Dean fell in love with Cas.

That being said—if I was really reaching for a moment—I wouldn’t say it happened during a happy scene. I’d say Dean fell in love with Cas when he lost him.

I know that sounds weird, that Dean didn’t fall in love with Cas completely until he realized Cas had been possessed by Lucifer, but in my head, it fits. I think it’s because Dean is so emotionally closed off and tries not to let his emotions show if he can help it that it took knowing that Cas was gone for that last switch to flip in his heart.

So, now Dean is in love with Cas, but Cas is Lucifer. I’d say this has something to do with the fact that, even though Dean is supposed to be attached to Amara, he still calls out for Cas even though Amara is right in front of him.

Considering the fact that Cas comes back in the literal last episode—at least, that’s when Dean realizes he’s back—there isn’t a whole hell of a lot of time to see how being in love with Cas has changed Dean. We do get the “you’re our brother, Cas” scene, but seeing as how that’s pretty inconsistent with everything that comes afterward, let’s just chalk that one up to bad writing and/or Dean being dense.

S12

Alright, so my post should be done, yeah? I’ve answered the question I’ve set out to answer. However, there’s still more to talk about here. When did Dean first sense that what he felt for Cas was different? When did he have an inclination that it was romantic? When did he know for sure?

That’s why we’re here in S12. Now, S12 is the most Destiel-heavy season in the entire series. In my opinion, while it does have many of the best Destiel scenes, it doesn’t have the best Destiel scene. However, as far as number of moments, S12 takes it.

This is where we really get to see how being in love with Cas has changed Dean. Realistically, I think this has a lot to do with S12 being the beginning of the Dabb era because this era marked a change in tone for both Castiel’s character and his relationship with Dean. Dean began to worry about Cas a lot more frequently and, as a result, got mad at him a lot more, too. I see S12 as the season that Dean moved away from simply being worried about losing Cas to being terrified of losing Cas. And that translated into anger any time Castiel put himself in danger. For example, killing Billie. Any other time, the threat of losing Cas translated itself into fear, like when Cas nearly died from being stabbed with the Lance of Michael.

Of course, the mixtape is also in this season, which is another example of how being in love with Cas has affected Dean. I could probably make an entirely seperate and very long post regarding Destiel in S12, but the general idea is that Dean’s newly found love for Cas made a big difference in how he treated Cas.

S13

Alright, S13 stands outs to me because I believe this is when Dean first realized that Cas meant something more to him than a friend and that he felt differently about him than he did about his family. Again, I don’t think that Dean actually thought those exact words, but I think his heart knew them to be true even if he mind didn’t. Reason being: Cas had just died. Which is the first time Castiel has died since Dean fell in love with him. Dean knew he needed Cas, in a way he hadn’t really realized it before. Which is why he demands that Chuck bring him back.

Then Cas comes back, and it’s like Dean forgets what hopelessness and misery are because Cas is his “big win.” After this, honestly, there isn’t much else by way of emotional development for Dean regarding Cas, but I see that as a good thing. It’s a sign that, though Dean hasn’t realized it yet, being in love with Cas is comfortable for him. There are still expressions of concern for Cas’s wellbeing throughout the season, but mostly, we just get to see Dean be content with Cas.

S14

Alright, S14 a.) mostly saw Dean’s feelings much in the same place as they were in S13 and b.) just kidding because Dean tells Cas that he’s dead to him in this season.

To be fair, if we’re talking Destiel, there’s more of it on Castiel’s end this season than there is on Dean’s because Dean is dealing with Michael. There are a couple moments that stand out to me as moments where Dean’s love for Cas comes through: when Cas asks Dean if his plan to trap himself in the Ma’lak Box means that they’re supposed to say goodbye and when Dean confides in Cas about how he’s handling keeping Michael trapped. In the former scene especially, I think it’s clear to see how much the idea of saying goodbye to Cas affects Dean.

And then we get to “Absence,” which is the episode where Dean tells Cas that he’ll be dead to him if Jack killed Mary. Now, going off on a tangent here to explain how this ties into Dean being in love with Cas, let’s talk about when Dean gets mad at Cas.

When Dean gets mad at Castiel, it’s always out of pain. I think that’s a very unique effect that Cas has on Dean that no one else does, and I believe it’s because Dean gets so overwhelmed with the emotion of betrayal that all he can do is push Cas away. Why a feeling of betrayal? Well, in this case, it’s because Cas knew something was wrong with Jack and didn’t say anything. I think that, as Dean fell more and more in love with Cas, his expectations and feelings for him grew, and because of that, when he feels like he’s been let down by Cas, it turns into rage. 

When Dean walks away from Sam, it’s usually because he’s either worried or angry. With Jack, he walked away because of anger, maybe even disgust. But with Cas, it’s always pain; it’s always because Dean feels like he’s been personally betrayed in a way that has nothing to do with worrying about Cas and everything to do with wanting to hurt Cas back. It’s almost a selfish sort of anger, which is actually a positive for Dean’s character since he rarely puts himself first.

To me, the way Dean gets mad at Cas—especially in S14—is so personal and unique that it serves as proof as to why Dean is in love with Cas. So, even though the “then you’re dead to me” line is so damaging, it’s still a result of Dean loving Cas.

S15

Last season. The hardest season by far, for a lot of reasons. I’m not going to get into the lack of closure the ending of this show gave us in terms of Dean and Castiel, and I’m not going to talk about this final season in conjunction with the Spanish dub—just what I, as an English speaker experienced in canon since that’s what was intended in the final cut—but I will talk about everything else. There’s three episodes/points I’m going to hit with this season, and I’m sure we all know them: “The Rupture,” “The Trap,” and “Despair.”

I’ve already discussed why Dean’s anger points to his being in love with Cas, but I think the important thing to note with “The Rupture” is that Dean still didn’t want to lose Cas, even in the moments when he was hurting Cas and pushing him away.

There’s still a couple questions I’ve asked that I haven’t answered yet, and one of them will be answered with “The Trap.” I think this episode—and really, the moment Cas told him he heard his prayer—marks the first time that Dean considered that his feelings might be romantic. I don’t know how clear those thoughts were or if Dean told himself he was wrong afterward, but I do think that that scene was the beginning of possibility for Dean and Cas. Had they had enough time, they would’ve decided to be together, and that scene is where they both really felt it for the first time—even if they didn’t believe the other felt the same way.

I’ll be honest: I really don’t want to talk about “Despair” because it’ll just make me sad. Alas, there is one question that still needs to be answered: When did Dean know that he was in love with Cas?

When it was already too late. Much like in S11, I think it took Dean losing Cas to realize how he felt about him. The difference here is: I think Dean would’ve realized it regardless; hearing how Cas felt about him and then losing Cas just forced it. Had Cas not died, I don’t believe it would’ve been too long before Dean realized it naturally, and that’s the most frustrating thing about this scene is that Dean didn’t have to learn how he felt through the trauma of losing Cas.

I’m not trying to diminish this scene because, had there been closure—and proper editing—I’d say this scene was the perfect avenue for Castiel’s character to go down because it would mean that, when he came back, he could be with Dean.

Again, I’m not getting into the semantics of the final couple episodes or how they handled Destiel because it’ll just make me mad, but I think Dean realizing he was in love with Cas was just as big of a factor in him seeing himself differently as Cas’s speech was. I think Dean wanted to honor Cas by being the person Castiel saw him as; I think Dean wanted to live as a man worthy of being loved by the man he fell in love with.

Anyway, that’s my take on when Dean Winchester fell in love with Castiel based on what canon gave us. As someone who had been very realistic about the possibility of Destiel over the years and had never truly hoped for it in canon because I knew better, I have never been more convinced that Dean is in love with Castiel as I am now, after the show has ended.

I don’t think I can say I believe he was in love with him all along, but I believe that his story, their story, of falling in love is real and true, however long it may have taken. I’ll never say goodbye to these two, but I’m happy that I can at least walk away from this show knowing that they found each other in the end, even if their ending didn’t do justice to their legacy.

Let me know when you think Dean fell in love Cas or vise versa. I’m curious to know what you see in their relationship. I don’t think I’ll be making a post like this for Castiel because, in my opinion, Cas fell in love with Dean rather quickly—his journey was just realizing what that meant. Anyway, thank you for reading this, and thank you for being a part of this twelve year long love story that is Destiel.

#destiel #casdean #cas x dean #dean x cas #dean winchester #castiel #spn #supernatural

[thetimelesscycle]

Tales of Arcadia Wizards Fanfiction: Hope Dies Last - Chapter 9

The Guardians of Arcadia grapple with the loss of yet another Master Wizard.

Zoe and Claire hatch a new plan.

A/N: I return!

A week later than I had planned, but I digress.

Turns out I spent my holiday actually working on some of my original pieces, which means this little project got set aside in favour of works that have been neglected for far longer. I intend to try and keep working on those stories going forward, so updates for this fic may not be quite as regular.

We'll still get there in the end, though. ;-)

Enjoy, TTC

Chapter 9

For Want of a Wizard

Like all wizards, Claire had been born with her abilities. They had always been a part of her; A silent power thrumming beneath the surface without her ever having been aware of it. It was strange to think that, were it not for Jim becoming the Trollhunter and pulling her into the wonderful world of trolls and magic, she might never have realised what she was capable of. She had pulled off her fair share of miracles since then, and it hadn’t even been a full year since the first time she’d used the Shadow Staff. Part of that was definitely luck — she’d been given a headstart thanks to Morgana’s attempt to steal her body, and the Shadow Staff itself had seemed to guide her in its own way long before that — but the rest had all been instinctual. Magic just felt right in the same way that being on stage had always come naturally to her, though it wasn’t until she met Douxie and the hedge wizards of HexTech that she realised how rare that kind of intuitive casting was.

All of them were her seniors in age and experience to varying degrees, though Zoe and Douxie easily outstripped their peers on both counts. She’d been given the impression when she asked that there was an unhappy reason so few wizards of their generation were still wandering the world today. She hadn’t asked again, more than capable of filling in the blanks even without a front row seat to history, and not wanting to waste what precious little of Douxie’s time she was able to claim for herself.

It was a calculated risk, making the trip between Arcadia and the Master Wizard’s new hideout, even infrequently and via the Shadow Realm. Unfortunately, they hadn’t been given much of a choice. The Arcane Order was still at large and Claire needed training beyond that which a hedge wizard could provide; Even a centuries old, very skilled hedge wizard. Douxie might not have been able to use Shadow Magic himself, but he’d learned the majority of his own skill the same way she had — through a sometimes painful process of trial and error — and was more than capable of steering her away from what might cause trouble. He was also an adept translator of the book she had taken from Morgana’s rooms, and she went to him for explanations even after he and Zoe had each set time aside to help her learn to read the tome’s contents herself. She found it easier to follow his directions than try and comprehend the words on the page, and with time set firmly against them the sooner she could learn to do more than open portals and create illusions the better.

Technically speaking, she had done more than that when she had fought to save Jim, but it had all been wild, desperate, and exhausting. She needed to learn how to do those things deliberately, and without pouring more of her energy into each spell than she could safely get away with. It was frustratingly difficult sometimes, even with Douxie’s relentless encouragement and stout belief that she was capable of anything she put her mind to. He’d laughed when she’d admitted as much, freely pointing out she’d picked up a whole lot considering she hadn’t yet had her magic for a fraction of the time Morgana had. She’d wanted to argue, not because she didn’t think he was being honest, but because for a moment her mind had completely tripped over the short passage of time that had passed since this whole adventure started. 

They had accomplished so much in such a short amount of time. The Eternal Night. Gunmar. Morgana. The search for the new Heartstone. The return of the Arcane Order. Jim and Toby had been at it only a few months longer than she had, yet, somehow, between them they had been involved in saving the world no less than three times. Surely, surely those adventures could not have taken place over a single year. But they had, and Douxie’s gentle amusement at her impatience had reminded her that her chosen teacher had spent nine centuries learning his craft and had still only just earned his staff.

That had put things into perspective.

So had watching Arcadia burn.

She was not a stranger to battle anymore. Even if she didn’t count the various, small skirmishes she’d taken part in there had been the Eternal Night and the Battle of Killahead Bridge to introduce her to the horrors of this millennia long war. Young though she might be, she knew what it was to stare death in the face. To stand on a pitched battlefield knowing you were outnumbered and outmatched and choosing to fight anyway. But even Gunmar had only wanted to conquer the human world — the Arcane Order wanted to burn it all to the ground — and it was there, standing in the midst of the calamity they had caused, that she most keenly felt her lack of experience.

Even without the soulless husk of Arthur to support them, the Arcane Order had them outmatched. They weren’t invincible — Deya had landed a hit on Bellroc at Killahead, and apparently caused some serious damage — but they had replaced their lost pawns with an army formed of what seemed to be every magical creature they could hold beneath their sway. She didn’t even recognise all of those swarming the streets, despite the hours she had spent pouring over Blinky’s bestiaries. There were shadow mephets, nyarlagroths, goblins, and hellheetis alongside countless others. She thought she saw a gruesome briefly out of the corner of her eye, and the stars above were blotted out by the winged outline of at least three stalklings.

It was madness, utter and complete, made all the worse by the innocent bystanders caught in the midst of it all. The three of them had been given the unenviable task of rescuing as many people from the heart of the battlefield as they could. Claire’s shadow portals were the only reliable way to transport people safely in and out, with neither the airship nor the Hextech wizards able to risk getting close to the Arcane Order themselves. That was Douxie’s role, and Claire hadn’t been able to argue when he declined her offer for assistance. Her skills were needed elsewhere, and she’d already tested her strength against the Orders and been found wanting. Douxie had promised he would manage. He’d smiled and gripped her shoulder and she’d let him walk away like a fool.

“Claire?”

The sky was spinning above her, half obscured by smoke as her mind wandered in aimless recollections, dredging up recriminations for a mistake she did not yet realise she had made.

“Claire! Wake up!”

The smoke burned the back of her throat as she unwittingly inhaled it. There was a ringing in her ears, loud and distracting and muffling Jim’s voice as he shook her urgently.

“Are you alright? Claire?”

“I’m fine,” she said, or thought she said. Her own voice sounded like a whisper, her hearing still as distorted as her vision. She coughed, her bruised sides protesting the motion, her lungs screaming for fresh air. “I’m fine. What—”

If Jim answered her she didn’t catch his reply, but he did help her off her back into a sitting position. His face was blackened with soot and streaked with blood from a dozen small cuts. No doubt she looked just as battered. Judging by the rubble surrounding them, half a building had come down with Bellroc’s last fireball. Still dizzy, she leaned against Jim a moment, trying to get her bearings, trying to gather her wits because now was not the time to lose focus.

The ringing in her ears was fading, replaced by what sounded like screams. Not sounded like, she realised, was. The smoke had parted behind them, so that when she and Jim whirled to face the source of that dreadful sound they were both given a clear view of the battlefield once more. Of her teacher — her friend —on his knees at the Arcane Order’s mercy.

“No!”

‘Magic is emotion’, Douxie had told her, something she had always known but never fully understood. Not until she was forced to embrace her fear or be rendered helpless once again. It wasn’t fear she was feeling when she staggered upright, bleeding and still choking on smoke; It was absolute, white-hot fury, and her magic reacted accordingly. The shadows took on a will of their own as soon as they left her hand, the energy torn from her fingers to join the violent maelstrom their battle had created. What she had meant to be an escape route turned instead into a whirlpool of darkness that dragged anyone and anything in the vicinity into its heart.

It should have calmed once they reached the other side, like diving beneath the surface of a pool in the middle of a storm. Unfortunately, she had unwittingly brought the Arcane Order along for the ride, and found herself emerging into chaos. Magic roared around her; Raw, unbridled, and dangerous. She couldn’t see anything, the clashing forces spinning her in circles and blinding her to both friend and foe. She could hear screams, voices she recognised, and a slow, swelling chant that settled sinisterly at the back of her mind, reeking of ill intent.

It was terrifying, but so was everything else they had faced today, and she wasn’t about to be the reason they didn’t make it out of this alive.

Giving up on righting herself, ignoring the chips of ice slicing through bare skin and the flames nipping at the edges of her hair, she let the whirlwind carry her where it would, pouring all of her focus, all of her energy, into locating her friends. She wasn’t Nari, she couldn’t simply sense the soul of any living thing, but she could picture the one’s she cared about clearly in her mind, imagine the shadows wrapping about them all in a protective blanket, and yank them to safety.

The landing was rough. They emerged from too high and crashed against the floor in a tangle of limbs and weapons. Claire had the breath knocked out of her when Krel landed on her back, a stream of what she was fairly certain were Akaridion curse words falling from his lips as they disentangled. She paid no attention, crawling on hands and knees towards the two among them who weren’t moving. Archie was closer, and she paused beside the small dragon, fingers seeking and finding the shard of ice that had felled him. She could feel the dark magic that infused it, an enchantment too complex for her to try and dispel on her own. She tugged the shard free instead, her fear easing a little when it did not resist, and watched with bated breath as the frost that had spread from its impact slowly began to melt. Archie’s wing twitched as the invisible layer crumbled away, and she nearly choked on her relief, hastily shoving the familiar into Jim’s arms as she turned to Douxie.

“Teach?”

He’d fallen face down without making any attempt to catch himself. She could still hear the screams Bellroc had been ringing out of him when they’d done... whatever it was they’d done. With a shaking hand, she reached to turn him over. There was no resistance; He rolled limply onto his back, skin pallid and face still, blood streaking the side of his face from a nasty gash on his temple. His chest had been branded with a strange rune that looked like it had been burnt directly into his skin, still bright in places, like hot embers in a dying fire.

She placed her fingers at his throat, searching for some sign of life as she pleaded under her breath, “Come on, Doux. Don’t do this again.”     

There was no pulse that she could find. She tried to convince herself not to panic. This had happened before and he’d been fine, despite the fact the fall alone should have killed him. She just had to trust he could do it again. A minute ticked by, and then another, agonisingly slow and all too fast at the same time.

“He’s breathing, right?” Toby was behind her, Jim on her other side, still carefully cradling Archie. “Tell me he’s breathing.”

“I don’t…” she moved her hand to his chest, careful of the brand as she felt for the rise and fall that would indicate life. “I don’t think he is.”

“I could not hold him.” It was a fragile whisper, and Claire looked up to find Nari crouched on Douxie’s other side, staring at her own hands as if they had betrayed her. “I could not... I was not strong enough.”

“What did they do?”

Nari startled, lowering her hands as she lifted her eyes to meet Claire’s frantic gaze. “They have destroyed his soul. I tried to stop the spell, to hold him together, but I could not... I could not...”

“No.” She shook her head, denial rising. “No. There has to be a way to fix this. I can—”

“Guys!” The exasperated shout came from the other end of the dark cavern. Claire looked up to see Steve running towards them, Blinky a stride behind. “What is taking so long? We gotta move!”

The gyres. Of course. Their escape route. Their means of ferrying an entire town of people out of danger as quickly as possible. It had been her job to get everyone here safely, and she had failed.

“Great Gronka Morka!” Blinky had reached them, shoving his way through the circle they had unwittingly formed. “What happened?”

“No time for that,” Jim interrupted, moving Archie’s weight to one arm so he could reach down and pull Claire to her feet. “Steve’s right. We’ve got to move before the Order realises where we’ve gone.”

“But—!”

“We’ll figure something out,” he promised, stepping aside to let AAARRRGGHH!!! collect their fallen friend. “Just not here. Come on.”

Stumbling, she let herself be pulled along. The battle had exhausted them all, she could see it in the faces of those running alongside her, but they couldn’t stop yet. Douxie had been clear on that. They needed to get out and away, or the Order would just keep on coming. If they could. She didn’t know if Skrael or Bellroc could control the Shadow Realm now that Morgana was gone. No doubt they were powerful enough to find a way even if the magic was not in their repertoire, but leaving them trapped within its boundaries might buy a little more time.

Jim was leaning on her almost as much as she was leaning on him when they reached the gyre, his stamina not what it had once been as a half troll. Their sorry group piled on one after the other as Blinky wrestled with the controls. AAARRRGGHH!!! braced himself in the corner as they took off, cradling Douxie’s limp form gently to his chest. Claire found herself watching him as she swayed back and forth with the gyre’s sharp turns, still waiting on a miracle that wasn’t coming. Nari huddled at the large troll’s feet, her arms wrapped around herself as silent tears rolled down her cheeks. She looked devastated; Claire hadn’t yet moved past numb.

The station was crowded when they arrived, filled to overflowing with frightened Arcadians and equally unsettled trolls. These people had faced the Eternal Night and Alien invasion, only to be left shell shocked by an ancient order of wizards marching in without warning to burn their town to the ground. She could hear Dictatious shouting somewhere amidst the crowd, trying to ferry people to where they were meant to be as if he could actually see what was going on. Her parents were somewhere in that mess, as was her brother. Douxie had been adamant they get their families to safety before joining the fight. He’d sworn he could handle the Order for as long as they needed.

He’d lied.

The guilt was an old companion, a heavy weight bearing down on her shoulders as she disembarked. They drew attention. Human or troll, people knew Jim, and AAARRRGGHH!!! was much too large to pass unnoticed. Even if very few of those present knew who Douxie really was, they seemed to recognise that something terrible had happened. The crowd parted without prompting to let them pass, battered bodies shuffling out of the way and then watching them hasten by with curious eyes.

All except one.

“Zoe...”

Claire trailed off before she had even begun, the words dying on her tongue. The hedge wizard had clearly raced to reach them, her chest still heaving from the dead sprint she had just stumbled out of, dust in her hair and rips in her shirt that had not been there the last time they had spoken. There was a wild look in her eyes that had nothing to do with her battle-worn state, and Claire stepped aside, tugging Jim with her, as Zoe staggered forward. Static energy crackled behind her as she walked right up to AAARRRGGHH!!! and his precious burden, the large troll crouching lower to allow her near.

Without missing a beat, she leant across Douxie’s prone form to grab a hold of his singed shirt. “Hisirdoux Casperan, you are not going to pull this nonsense on me again!”

The answer was, predictably, silence. Zoe waited a beat longer, then her eyes flashed down to the burning rune. “What is this?”

“The Arcane Order…” Nari answered meekly. “Bellroc turned his soul to ashes.”

Zoe went a shade paler, her voice sharpening to a verbal razor. “His soul?”

“I tried to stop them.” There was an apology and regret both in those words. “I failed. I am sorry.”

“No.” Zoe’s hand turned into a fist, Douxie shirt still clutched within her fingers. “No, that’s not good enough. I haven’t spent centuries helping Archie keep this idiot alive for it to end like this. You were a part of the Order, you must know a way to fix this. They brought Morgana back. Twice.”

“Morgana’s soul was still intact,” Nari explained, shrinking a little more with each word. “Even if I could still sense his spirit on this plane, I cannot complete the ritual alone.”

“You’re not alone,” Claire interrupted, earning the attention of both her fellow spellcasters. “You have us, Nari, there must be something we can do.” The tiny sorceress looked up at her helplessly, her lips parted without words, and Claire felt her own determination wavering. “Please.”

“Come.” Laying a supportive hand on hers and Jim’s shoulders, Blinky started them moving again. “We should find somewhere quieter to discuss this.”

Suddenly hyper aware of all the eyes on them, Claire let herself be led, finding and grasping Jim’s hand tightly in her own. They left the crowded chamber, passing by the glowing doorway where the new Heartstone rested; A triumph she had all but forgotten in the wake of all that had followed. Holding aside a thick curtain of fabric, Blinky ushered them all within the comparative privacy of his new library, then hastened to clear room on the table for AAARRRGGHH!!! to set their fallen comrade down.

The large troll did so with care, folding Douxie’s hands across his stomach. It reminded Claire entirely too much of Merlin’s tomb, and she tore her gaze away to watch Jim settle Archie into place beside his wizard. The familiar was still under the influence of whatever dark magic had been locked within that icy shard, though the paralysis seemed to have eased somewhat, his eyes no longer staring blankly into the distance. He still wasn’t conscious, and Claire thought that was probably a mercy right now.

“What the hell happened out there?” Zoe was still choosing anger over any of the other emotions she might be feeling, standing rigid with her arms folded as she searched the faces of those gathered in the room.

“We were too slow.” Jim spoke, and Claire tried not to flinch. She had been too slow. If she had been able to evacuate the town faster, Douxie wouldn’t have been trapped facing the Order alone. They’d been overrun, yes, by mephits and stalklings and all manner of dark creatures, but that was no excuse. She should have found a way. “Skrael hit Archie, and then...”

He trailed off. Scowling, Zoe moved to check the familiar herself, Nari clambering up to perch atop the table beside Douxie’s head as she did so. The small sorceress reached out as though intending to touch him, only to snatch her hand back at the last second with a guilty flinch. “This is my fault.”

“It’s nobody’s fault.” There were tears pricking at the corner of her eyes; She refused to let them fall. “The Arcane Order did this, and we are going to make sure they don’t get away with it.”

She didn’t care how. Enough was enough. She wasn’t going to lose anyone else to these monsters. Never, ever again.

“He can’t be dead.” She hadn’t realised Steve had followed them until he started speaking. “Don’t wizards like, turn to ash or something when they die?”

“That would require his soul departing to the next realm.” Blinky, one of only three in the room with the authority to comment, offered his knowledge. “Without that, I fear our wizard friend may remain like this forever.”

“What? Really?” Steve blinked, giving their fallen friend a sidelong look. “That’s… that’s just creepy.”

“One of the many mysteries of magic,” Blinky shrugged, turning to Jim. “I must go and make sure everyone is getting settled in alright. You’ll call, if you need anything?”

“Of course.” Jim nodded. “Can you let mom know we’re here?”

“Right away, Master Jim.” Blinky bustled out, AAARRRGGHH!!! shuffling behind him, and the room was plunged back into a heavy silence.

“What about Archie?” Claire couldn’t stand it, and spoke in spite of her shaking voice, “Is he going to be okay?”

“I don’t know what this enchantment is,” Zoe admitted, running her hands over the familiar with a gentle care that was at odds with the fury still radiating off her. “Curses aren’t exactly my specialty, but one of the others might be able to help.”

“I will go ask.” As eager as any of them to have something to do, Krel bolted from the room.

“And Douxie?” Toby pressed. “Is there some sort of wizard guidebook on soul reconstruction too? Some sort of relic we need to find? Some spooky, dark lair we’ve gotta sneak inside? Oh, oh! Maybe Gatto has something that would help?”

“Nari?” Claire kept her eyes on the forest guardian, the only one among them who had any true understanding of the magic that had been used here. “How do we fix this?”

“I know of no magic capable of restoring a soul once it has been destroyed.” Nari shook her head, her own gaze fixated on the unmoving wizard in their midst. “There are spells, rituals that might help if a fragment had survived, but I cannot sense any part of Douxie still with us.”

“You couldn’t sense Jim either,” Claire reminded her. “But he was still there, in the Shadow Realm.”

“Then that’s where we’ll start.” Zoe made a decision, stepping away from the table to stand closer to Claire. “We are not letting it end like this.”

“You can’t go alone.” Not about to be left out, Jim added, “The Order might still be there.”

“You stuck the Arcane Order in the Shadow Realm?” Zoe gave her a look that was equal parts bemused and impressed. “Douxie really has been training you, hasn’t he? You’ll have to ask him about that nyarlagroth he stuck in Limbo one day.”

“I will,” she promised, holding that fragile thread of hope for all it was worth. “As soon as we get him back.”

#Tales of Arcadia Fanfiction #TOA Wizards #TOA Zoe #Claire Nunez #Jim Lake Jr #Toby Domzalski #TOA Archie #Hisirdoux Casperan #blinkous galadrigal #Hurt/Comfort #Angst #We fudge the scenes I don't want to write because why not #Nobody is here for the actual plot anyway.

[mittensmorgul]

eeeee I’m very happy that a dead Cas is now officially chuck's ideal ending. (Kind of? I mean,,,, he told Sam that what he showed him is what would happen if TFW won, but it was still the ending *Chuck* has been wanting.) either way! It’s now textually part of the What We Absolutely Can’t Let Happen package!

Lol, I mean, a dead Sam and Dean are officially part of Chuck’s ideal ending, so it’s kinda like... if Chuck is targeting you like that, if he specifically and horrifically wants you off the table that bad because he knows that with you alive then his plans fall apart... yeah...  

Which, honestly... explains an awful lot why Chuck’s spent so much effort keeping Cas busy with other stuff in the past. I’m entirely rethinking s6 and s7 here, because this explains so much. It’s not that Cas was being controlled by anyone, but after 5.22, Cas... poked at things. He let (half of, anyway) Sam out of the cage, he stood up to Raphael who was scheduled to finish the apocalypse, and then he teamed up with Crowley to hoover all the souls out of Purgatory. 

I mean Chuck was probably giddy with anticipation over the leviathan getting freed, you know? He didn’t even have to interfere to bring on his monster apocalypse. Just sit back and watch the chaos. He didn’t even mind Death nudging Dean in the right direction a few times, because Dean was so busy with his own immediate problems he couldn’t figure out Death’s hints in time to stop Cas anyway... And then Cas inadvertently and conveniently cleared himself off the table once the monsters were free. And yet... something about this wasn’t entirely satisfying, and Cas was brought back without his memories and stashed away to what... to give Dean a bit of hope that Chuck could just dash again? Because then Cas stashed himself away AGAIN after fixing Sam and taking on the trauma that was killing him, and then stashed himself in Purgatory for a while before coming back as an unwitting pawn of Heaven.

I think Chuck enjoys watching Cas go through this over and over again.

“Punishment resurrection.”

But s15 TFW isn’t the same fractured and scattered TFW from s6. They know Chuck’s God. And they know he’s the antagonist who keeps pushing them through more and more horrific versions of his own ugly story.

Billie is not OG Death, and she’s willing to bide her time and plan.

Sam is not soulless. He’s been through all of this before, and he’s endured, and he’s gonna endure again. He may have had his hope shaken a bit, but I don’t think that’s something Chuck can actually take from him entirely. As long as he’s alive, there’s a chance.

Dean is not the grieving, out of the loop shell of himself he was in s6. He knows what’s going on now, even if everything seems kinda bleak... He’s already established that in addition to Sam (who’s not in hell or soulless now), he also needs Cas in his life, even if it’s just the two of them sitting at the table commiserating. 

And Cas... finally understands that Dean wants him to stay, needs him to stay, and that every time Dean has told him this before (even if it was worded differently, because Dean struggles to express himself directly) Cas had left anyway-- for Dean’s own safety, to shield Dean from having to do something terrible, to sacrifice himself so Dean wouldn’t have to-- Dean didn’t care because all he could see was I asked him to stay and he left anyway. I am not enough. I am not worth staying for. And now in Purgatory, they finally began to have that conversation. Cas got a win for Dean, a year worth of s8 prayers that Cas had heard have been condensed into a single prayer that finally brought them together instead of convincing Cas he needed to keep running away to protect Dean. Instead of shoving Dean through the portal and staying behind, Cas waited at the portal for Dean and they walked back through together. Almost like ALL of the things that have been haunting Cas and driving him to penance since s6 have at least begun to be addressed and resolved in s15.

What were we talking about at the top of this? I think I’ve gone off on a tangent again...

RIGHT! Chuck’s gotta nerf Cas for his plot to work out.

It’s wild, right? Because Chuck’s whole “This Is Your Future Life” episode he crafted to convince Sam that locking him away with a Mark is a terrible idea that can only end one way... Do you know how frustrating it must’ve been for Chuck to have to stop them from caging him? Because it was a double-edged sword. I mean, on the one hand, I’m sure he LOVED the idea of Cas slowly going mad with the Mark until Dean was compelled to lock him in a ma’lak box and bury him right along with his hope and happiness, but if they had succeeded in casting that spell, then CHUCK WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO WATCH HIS FAVORITE SHOW. Like Amara in that same cage, his fun would’ve been over.

Can’t watch all the suffering if you’re locked in a cosmic dungeon!

It’s incredibly funny to me that Chuck convinced Sam that his nonsensical “future” was a true seeing, that he “shared his omniscience” with Sam with that watch. Because the one thing the show has demonstrated over the years that Chuck sincerely hopes they’ve forgotten, is that you can’t change the past, but the future is never set in stone until it comes to pass. And the future is built on choices.

Chuck can account for a lot of things, but he can’t account for Free Will. He can nudge, he can remove options, he can create roadblocks leaving only terrible choices open to them that will have awful consequences or require painful sacrifices, but... TFW has never completely done what they’re told, you know? Cas is the original “spanner in the works,” and Edlund once commented that yes, he has a “crack in his chassis,” but it’s a crack through which great things come. But Sam and Dean also have this frustrating and fascinating gift to stymie Chuck’s plot. 

And this is the true power of TFW. I think this is the tool they need to fully understand for themselves in order to finally win. They’ve been edging around it for a while, but Chuck always finds some way to foil them when they start getting close to examining their own wants. Like every time Dean starts talking about being able to take a vacation, or feeling hopeful that the future looks a little less bloodsoaked for them, Chuck steps in and throws them a monster of a curveball. Last time Dean started up with the toes-in-the-sand talk, he’d been possessed by AU Michael by the end of the episode, and crushed like a bug, his free will rendered entirely irrelevant. No amount of fighting against Michael, of telling him to get out, was able to free him. And then Chuck showed up again to hammer the lesson home. Only they learned a different lesson from the one he was trying to teach.

Heck, that’s another frustrating thing for Chuck, isn’t it? TFW has a long, long history of doing that.

Dabb even tweeted lyrics from “The End” by the Doors before this episode aired. Because this was a 5.04 redux, in a lot of ways. The circumstances of the future that Chuck imagined to horrify Sam may be entirely different, but the premise, the themes, the structure of it all... it’s functionally identical. But that was a distraction of sorts, as well. The other episode this referred back to... was 9.18.

Metatron showed his hand, revealed his process, and it’s identical to Chuck’s, because Metatron was just playing God, in the exact same way Chuck always did. He was a writer.

CASTIEL: And you did all this to make me a hero?METATRON [laughing]: Ah, that's priceless. Um no. You are not the hero in this mess-terpiece. You are the villain. I'm the hero.

and

METATRON: Didn't quite turn out as I'd planned, but that is why we rewrite. That was God's problem, you know... he published the first draft. You got to keep at it till you get all your ducks in a row.GADREEL: Was the Winchesters grabbing me part of your plan?METATRON: That was a surprise. But, hey, what writer doesn't love a good twist? My job is to set up interesting characters and see where they lead me. The by-product of having well-drawn characters is...They may surprise you. But I know something they don't know...the ending. How I get there doesn't matter as long as everybody plays their part.

Chuck also thinks he knows the ending. He’s absolutely convinced-- a la Lucifer’s conviction in 5.04 that “no matter what choices you make, we’ll always end up here,” and Metatron’s conviction that the ending was always destined to happen, couldn’t account for the true nature of humanity. Lucifer never saw it, because he never bothered to look for it. Metatron only saw it after he’d been rendered human himself. And Chuck? He thinks he understands, that his “omniscience” gives him a complete understanding of his creation, and yet... there’s things that humanity has created that he could never have dreamed up for himself.

He was right back in 11.22 (oh, hello Bobo episode again) when he told Amara that creation needed to be born, that it became something better than them. And yet Chuck can’t stop inflicting his own tired, formulaic story on his favorite characters. Because Amara was also right about him, that he was also greedy, and selfish, and only wanted to feel “big.” Chuck admitted that to Becky in 15.04, until he got over his writer’s block and started writing with a vengeance.

Wait, what was this about again? *scrolls up*

OH! Right! Nerfing Cas so the writer can have his way with everyone else. Kind of a long-standing tactic, no? And it’s not even about limiting Cas’s angel powers, but about Cas himself, and what he means to TFW. And it’s taken Cas a VERY long time to even begin to understand this. It’s not what he can do for them, it’s not being “useful” or “powerful” or being able to wave a hand and whoosh away the bad guy. It’s about him being HIM. It’s about him standing up to Dean and telling him he’s being stupid, and Dean listening and following him when if they’d gone their separate ways they both probably would’ve failed in Purgatory. It’s about them having each other’s backs and anticipating each other’s needs, and knowing that they aren’t alone and are wanted and needed because they are the best friend the other has ever had. And there’s something to that very human connection, that very human concept of family and love that Chuck... is incapable of understanding.

Whenever love rears its ugly head, Chuck rushes in to crush it. Because in love lies hope, lies a power that he can’t beat down. It’s a plot twist he can’t write his way out of.

Amara tried to give the very beginning of that to Dean in 11.23, to give him a chance to understand Mary, and Chuck couldn’t abide it. Jack is too powerful in a mojo-way, sure, but his true power for all of TFW was love. And Rowena-- pushed into self-sacrifice after Chuck “pinataed Hell”-- her entire journey into TFW had been about love.

Remember the plot of Metatron’s narrative? Love, and heartbreak, and love? Yeah. Remember how he thought he defeated Cas? By killing Dean Winchester? Yeah.

Big picture themes time? Chuck tried to drive wedges between TFW and everything they love. And has been trying to force his own contrived romance plots on them. But Chuck doesn’t understand love at all.

That’s their one true weapon against Chuck, if they each can learn to wield it.

How did my intended lol response to your question turn into this? That’s the cosmic lol for you.

#spn 15.09 #spn 15.04 #spn 5.04 #spn 9.18 #spn 11.22 #spn 11.23 #chuck's process #grand unification via love theory #Anonymous

[jillspencil]

You were not what I thought you were

I don’t know where else to post this so I’m putting it here. A little one shot fan fic type thing based on the premise of if Solas was not the tragic, regretful revolutionary that we came to find out he was. What if dragon age had taken his character in a very...different direction.

Please consider reading, it’s my first ever real fanfic??

The night air was still, clinging close to the skin, but hummed with insects, vibrant lights blinking in between the monochrome blue of moonlight. Monolithic statues of halla greeted the couple as they approached the waterfall, keeping quiet in only the way a pair anxious to say everything can be. Al’serna held on to Solas’ hand loosely, gathering in the scene, wondering at each minutia presented to her. It was easy for her to pay so little attention to the elf beside her, or that’s how it seemed to Solas who was gripping on more tightly, occupied with Al’serna’s freckled, glowing face though she hadn’t noticed.

They drew to the edge of the water, stopping with only inches between their feet and the edge of the lake’s slow ebb. Al’serna’s attention was completely on Solas now and his heartbeat quickened. There was so much love in her face, so much comfort that he couldn’t look away from. She would understand. No one else would get it-- how could they when the world was built from soulless dirt, spiteful, brutish and short. But her… he knew if he could just explain it all, she would understand. he was justified. She was different, special like no one else and their love would endure no matter the cost.

The silence stretched between Al’serna’s lovingly inquisitive face and Solas’ caught breath. “There is something I must tell you Vhenan. It is a terrible truth to bear to you, but I do it with love.”

The silence turned expectant, Al’serna’s brow furrowing slightly in confusion, but smiling still. “The Vallaslin are not as you believe them to be.” Al’serna’s face fell slightly and Solas’ words sped slightly to explain, “They are slave markings, from long ago, in the times when the Elves oppressed their own kind. They are a terrible mark of a history misappropriated”

Quiet again. Bouts of it seemed to Solas to be even more terrible than his memories, and now he had the crestfallen face of his beloved in front of him to salt the wounds.

“Solas...but how do you...How can that be? Is it just another thing the Dalish got wrong? Another way we’ve destroyed ourselves and glorified the remains?” Her eyes squinted from restraint, voice catching. It was hard to see her this way, when he could give her a solution…

“I believe you, Solas, I just don’t know how we can do anything else. If we’ve gotten this wrong, what else have we lost. What has history robbed us of? I can’t--” The words tumbled out of her mouth, unable to stop them.

A kiss. Silence again, hanging off an abridged word. He had resolved himself. The future was set but there was one thing left. He pulled away, keeping his hand in hers, gently touching her face with the other.

“Vhenan, I can...remove the Vallaslin if you would like. I know a spell. You are so beautiful, and shouldn’t be forced to bear it.”

Al’serna touched her face where the branch-like tattoos textured her cheeks. It hadn’t even seemed like an option, but knowing now, it seemed like it was the only one. She struggled to move. Solas reached out a hand, hoping to reassure, but the touch startled her. He hastened to withdraw his hand but froze. Al’serna looked him in the eye, giving a single, decisive nod, pulling his other hand toward her face.

“If this is how it must be, then it must be,” she said, her voice resolute.

Solas returned the nod, heart swelling with ache and hastily patched wounds. His hands pressed forward calling out the old magic to erase her distress. He had to help. This was the way. A bluish glow surrounded Al’serna’s face, catching the wayward hairs that had slipped around her cheeks, tingling her skin but not painfully as she had imagined the process to be. The swell of power threaded through his fingertips, into his palms and sizzled out at his wrists. It was done.

Solas pulled away, feeling the old righteousness lost to the years “You are so beautiful, and I know this might be difficult but...we can make it right.”

The confused look returned to Al’serna’s face, but Solas smiled, the way he always did when he was indulging her disorientation. “There is a way… for us to right these wrongs. Your people mourn what has been lost, but they do not understand it completely.The world mistreats elves as the oppressed who have lost everything. History reads throughout the fade of the lines of destruction, dominos falling one after another from the Halls of Arlathan. But I, we, can fix it Vhenan.” “Solas...how could we possibly…?” Her head tilted, trying to understand

“The rift was just an accident, but the destruction of the elves was wrought by the creation of the veil. It was my terrible creation but I want to undo it all. I can rip down the barrier that separates us all, I can restore elves as they were. Free them and all the wonders they knew. The world as it is now will burn away, but it can be built anew-- more perfect than it ever was. We can rinse away the dirt of this world! We can make things right, make the oppressors of this world pay, end the genocide of magic. Burn the world away and build it up again!” His voice grew stronger, more intense, leaning down into her space. What Al’serna could only guess was nervousness and haste crept at the edges of his words.

Al’serna let go of Solas’ hand, putting on foot back in reflexive defence. “How could we do that?” She was hesitant, frightened. “Destroy all of those people...people who have only had the sin of being born.” Her face scrunched up, thinking of the people of Skyhold, Haven.

“You’re not listening, Vhenan.” A quick, almost forced smile “We may lose some, but we have so much more to gain. I must restore my people, your people, but I can not do it alone. I love you, but you must see this world for what it is!”

“Solas, we can not take the lives of the world in our hands. How could any one person even have that much power? The inquisition has taken some grand steps, but we never chose the fates of innocent lives. Lives uninvolved with us! We can not choose who lives and dies. You’re not a god, Solas… We are not special or different. Please, be with me as I am, as we are…” She extended her hand again, hoping to draw him towards her now.

Solas drew back in equal measures, confused and feeling a knot of anger in his stomach. So this is how it would be.

“Very well, I see that things should be conducted in a more appropriate way. I understand now.” His words clipped “Thank you for accompanying me this night.” He sharply turned, walking stiffly away through the wooded path that led them there.

Al’serna stood alone by the water, bewildered and hurt. Feeling more vulnerable and naked than when the evening began, and so much lonelier.

~~~

In the two years since that night in Crestwood, Solas had refused to discuss what had transpired between them and instead flung himself fully into the inquisition’s quest. When Al’serna tried to pry, though it was difficult for her to muster the courage, she was always deflected by assurances of “Things are the way they are.” and “There’s nothing to worry about.” She tried to forget the terrible night that transpired, but the ache where “no” had seemed to evict his love of her from his heart was hard to erase and twinges of anger crept their way in.

It had been two years since Corypheus had been defeated. Two years since the world had been quote “saved.” The long fights and new scars colored Al’serna’s manner and appearance. She had been left with more than one gap in her life. Solas had disappeared, leaving Al’serna for the second time. And with the loss of real mission, there was a sense of ennui that lingered in the air around her in the moments she had alone. She was still confused and the hurt lingered from the night in Crestwood, but she knew that the things she said were right.

Now it seemed she had said them again almost verbatim to the panel of grimacing politicians at the Winter Palace with even less traction. The entire exalted council was a disaster as far as she was concerned. She wasn’t a politician like Josephine and hardly made it as inquisitor but doing what was right motivated her on. Qunari had been found in the palace carrying explosives and through stumbling into the situation, Al’serna had managed to start unravelling an entire invasion.

Now she was chasing leads, barely able to hold onto the edges. Her mark had begun to explode. She wondered if magic always burned this much to mages or if she was just the lucky one. The green pulse had gotten stronger as the investigation had gone on. Now, as she ran toward the eluvian through which Viddasala, the leader of the invasion, and her army had passed, it’s heartbeat throb quickened. Her hand struggled to hold her sword, almost her body size, through the pain. She paused at the steps to the Eluvian, catching her breath between flares, trying to gather what was left of her energy. She turned her head to look behind her. The worried and determined faces of her friends nodded, and she focussed all her energy on pacing forward into the mirror, its glass like miasma rippling over her body and sealing up behind her.

Separated from her companions, she focused herself on moving forward. Around her were what looked like...statues? Except they were too lifelike, far too detailed, and they bore a striking resemblance to the enemies she had faced only moments before. In the distance she could hear voices, echoing off the stone walls that surrounded the outcropping. Steps stretched out in front of her. Grand, wide steps that she climbed as fast as she could.

At the top Viddasala was engaged in a heated argument with...someone. As Al’serna mounted the last step, Viddasala reach out as if to attack but in a moment she was turned to the same rocky granite as the beings before. Beyond her now statue-like form a figure looked out over the edge of the grassy platform. Pensive and dressed in armour unlike anything Al’serna had seen.

“Solas…?” Al’serna was breathless, both from the pain seeping into every inch of her body and the person standing there who had become almost like myth to her.

His face snapped into her direction, contorting into despair and love and pain. He appeared staggered, not expecting what seemed like a ghost to him.

“Vhenan…” He recomposed himself, bring his chin up and his posture upright.

“Solas, what are you doing here? How can you--”

“There is so much I was not ready for you to see or know, but it seems events have conspired to push us again toward this resolution.” He began to approach her “Now you can join me.”

“What..what are you talking about? You’ve been gone so long. How could you possible show up now, in all of this?” Her words were more bitter than she realized.

“Vhenan, everything I have done has been for you. For us.” He drew his way over, slowly, from across the platform. “Before, all that long time ago, I realized you would not allow this world to be rended for what it is. You rejected everything I meant to stand for, like trash. You had been made blind. You rejected me and my goals, but then I realized it wasn’t truly you. I came to understand that this world is what is keeping us apart. It is what is keeping you in chains. I am here to set you free my love.” He leaned down towards her, much closer now, arms outstretched not to embrace,but in a general gesture of benevolence.

“I slept for many years, a lasting uthenera from my mistakes long ago and awoke to find this world a shadow, blank and hollow. Then you found your way into all of it. You showed me that things can be changed, you said yourself that if things went wrong then you just had to try again.” His arms were outstretched now, a lecturing stance. “In our time together you opened my heart, loosened all the things that I once fought for, but then you rejected it! You rejected all of it as if it were not even worthy of thinking about. But now, now I know what I have to do, if you will not have me in this world, in the flames of the veil you will.” He grasped her glowing hand. Al’serna tried to remain emotionless, her hand shaking slightly, betraying her. This was not Solas. It...couldn’t be.

“Solas… This, this isn’t right. You shouldn’t be here. You can’t change the world anymore than I can--”

“Vhenan, I can. You do not listen. What all the qunari called me? A servant of Fen’harel? I am so much more than that. Think long and hard about all of it. All the strange moments, the coincidences, the paintings, murals, tapestries that led you here.”

“You, you’re Fen’harel?” Al’serna’s voice grew slightly panicked. Her eyes widened and she tried to withdraw her hand.

Solas’ grip tightened, leaning toward her again “You see vhenan! The orb that gave you your mark was once mine. It’s power was meant to be granted to me to tear down the veil! But you have it now, and we can use it together to rip apart everything that has held this world in shackles.” His eyes looked down at her glowing hand, “The mark has been growing larger, has it not?”

Al’serna could only manage to get out a nod, head swimming with pain and confusion.

“The inquisition was only the first step, it got to be so much more than I thought, but now that its work has been ended, all I must do now is restore the world to the way it was before and you will see!”

“Solas… I can’t, I can’t let you do this.” She gasped slightly as another pulse from the mark wracked her body.

“Don’t give up on me now, vhenan. The veilfire of this world is coming to an end but you must understand there I things that must be done first. Come with me, vhenan. Come with me and help make this world right the way it was. Destroy all this nightmarish, petty bickering. Humans and qunari...what have they ever caused on this world besides suffering? Together we can rejoice at a new age, a purer more beautiful world! Ma halani.” His voice was almost pleading now, frantic.

She winced as she straightened herself, looking him in the eye. “I will stop you.” She yanked her hands back “This is not right and you are not what I thought you were. If all you can see is this golden past, then I will stop you at any cost. Your solution is brutal and cold. None of these people deserve to die.”

A massive burst of magic surged from the mark, bringing Al’serna to her knees, struggling for breath. In front of her, Solas knelt down, grabbing her arm.

“Then vhenan,” he said, bitterness dripping from his words, “Try and stop me. And in the ashes of tomorrow, then you will see.”

An explosion of light filled the air, nearly blinding her as his grip tightened on her hand. The mark popped and sizzled as the magic grew greater and greater around her. Her skin felt the familiar tingle of her memories in crestwood, then she couldn’t feel anything. Solas stood up sharply, turning away from her.

“I will finish what was started, alone if I must. And when it is done, you will see.” His words had palpable power and rage behind them.

“Ar lasa mala revas” were the last words Al’serna heard, looking down to see the stump where her arm had been before. Her mouth opened into one last scream, angry and heartbroken, as Solas passed again into the Eluvian and her vision faded to black.

(@bearlytolerable​)

#solavellan #solas #dragon age #Dragon Age: Inquisition #DA:I #alserna #lavellan

[spotlightsaga]

Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews… Ru Paul’s Drag Race (S09E03) Draggily Ever After Airdate: April 7, 2017 @vh1 @wowreport Ratings: 0.673 Million :: 0.3 18-49 Demo Share Score: 4.5/10

**********SPOILERS BELOW*********

Finally! An episode we can all sink our teeth into. No, this isn’t a ‘Drag Race’ best… But we’re finally starting to see who has that special something to make it to the latter half of this competition and who doesn’t. Slowly but surely the stakes are raising and the stars are rising to the top. 'Draggily Ever After’ as an episode and as an overall challenge knows exactly where it is in the competition. There are still weak ones and performers that aren’t fully realized as full on Drag Queens left in the competition, so the challenge is basic… But it demands the Queens to realize a concept and reach into their bag of tricks and show us their artistic side by having the contestants create Princess characters that are accompanied by an original sidekick and threaded together by a short storyline.

Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, but it looks like, for the most part, that Eureka, Nina Bo'Nina Brown, Sasha Velour, Trinity Taylor and Valentina are all front runners for their own reasons. Shea Couleé could be a dark horse in the competition… And the judges seem to be pulling Peppermint in to praise her for something outside of this competition, as if Peppermint has established herself and put in work and therefore automatically deserves a little bit of spotlight and praise. I get it and I don’t get it. I just know I’m not looking at a winner. Charlie Hides does runway well, but the total package isn’t strong with this one. For some reason I can’t ever remember who Alexis Michelle is, was, or anything about her. It’s true I take a Xanax or two, but I’m going to need this girl to shine and soon. Maybe she just hasn’t had the met the right challenge yet? If someone or something doesn’t make an impression on me I can literally turn around, walk two steps, and completely forget they exist. What were we talking about again?

I hate that Drag Race is on Friday’s now. The weekend is not when I do my best writing as I’m always tired, running around, bartending or serving for extra money or trying to get an extra piece or two worked on for a printed publication or wherever I can fit in. Last week in my review on RPDR, I fumbled some words about the show of which Lisa Kudrow was quoting, it didn’t change the fact that she was one the show for 20 seconds to just say lines from one show that she did. They did say 'The Comeback’ in the show, and unfortunately I’m unable to post edit something I post on TVShowTime and I apologize for the mistake and it was corrected outside of this platform, but understand that I really try to come from a good place… And no, the show she was quoting didn’t change how I felt about the segment. Please don’t tell me to 'calm down’ or 'relax’, I am writer at heart and whether I’m making money or not, I love this community, you see what I write first, and it’s you who really get to see the true me, sans about 5 people in this world who I know are the definition of a 'real friend’, and only one of them lives here in South Florida. I am exhausted right now, I’ve been up since 5am yesterday morning working and I really hope that I can convey this next topic with the compassion and sincerity that I normally am able to convey with ease (just not Friday-Sunday).

As a Floridian, who had friends and co-workers in Orlando during the Pulse Massacre, this is a very difficult place for me to revisit, even with the amount of time we’ve all had to process what happened. I’ve been in a gay relationship for over 11 years now. I’m a natural born hustler in many aspects, I’ve always had multiple jobs, multiple passion projects, and for a good 3-4 years I was a 'Male Dancer’ in one of the most notorious Gay Strip Clubs in Ft Lauderdale, FL. I’ve always been on the outside of the gay scene, I never felt like I belonged, and that’s because I don’t, and that’s ok. During my time working there, I made a lot of friends that I never thought I would make. My intention was to go in, get money, and get the fuck out. I thought I had nothing in common with a lot of these people and hung with the other 'straight’ dancers at the club at first. I quickly found myself bored with those 'straight’ co-workers (no offense, trust me they were vapid and always overcompensating for something they lacked beyond physical beauty) and suddenly found myself very much amused at the more quirky, flamboyant boys who came to play. They were all hot messes, yes, but in a 'Party Monster’ type of way, you know… Before the whole murder…errr… Manslaughter twist ending.

There’s always been a huge part of me that has been terrified to seem anything less than masculine, even though my personality is very much 'over-the-top’, I’m haunted with the memories of my parents scolding and shaming me for a brief moment of 'sounding gay’ or displaying a trait that they found too telling. Suddenly I was worlds away from that feeling and those people (who I do love and know did have good intentions, just an ignorant approach) and I was meeting some of the most impactful and beautiful people who were very proudly 'gay’, something I had always equated with 'exploiting for money’ or 'shameful’. These over-the-top Latin and Black young men took a stubborn, scared strawberry blonde boy who was allowing myself to be the “token 'soulless ginger’ with a thick ass and athletic legs” and helped me shed the fear of just letting go and being 100% me. They really showed me how to live my life to the fullest in a way I didn’t know was possible. That chapter in my life is very much over now. You won’t my find me in gay clubs anymore, and my other safe haven, the rave scene, is long dead (since 2003/2004), and now I may attend a music festival once or twice a year if my schedule permits it… But I wouldn’t trade my experience with those incredibly amazing human beings for anything in the world and I try to take what they taught me with me everywhere I go and apply it to anything and everything. One of those people I lost to suicide, and no there was no 13-tapes to listen to afterwards, because suicide is an ugly spurt of the moment thing.

Not everyone is right for the strip club, it takes a special kind of damaged mess to navigate that world… But there were several young, unbelievably strong young men who showed me something beyond that for a few years… And I’m incredibly blessed to have a partner who knew I needed that experience and allowed me to do whatever I wanted, never wanting to impede on my personal growth, but still always put up somewhat of a fight… For good measure.

That 'safe place’ that Cynthia Fontaine talked about, I know that place, and the thought of a single man barging in one of those places with an AK where people are able to discover a different meaning and break the general mold of what is or isn’t 'the social and societal norm’ and gunning down as many people as possible rips my inner core into a million pieces. The night that it happened, I called my friends and coworkers in Orlando, over and over and over, wondering if they were alive… Wondering how something like this could happen.

Growing up with the bravery to admit that sexuality and gender isn’t as 'paint by numbers’ as everyone wants it so desperately to be is difficult, especially when you are a leader and you bear that cross during difficult times like middle and high school. Once you make it out of high school, it does in fact 'get better’, but now we have to face something like this… In a place that’s supposed to be designed to celebrate our freedom, a place that allows a select few a unique chance to come of age for a second time around… But instead that 'safe place’ was used as a hunting ground. People were lined up and shot one by one, bullets and blood, tears and pain staining the air with a stench of terror and death as good people who had amazing hearts and the ability to heal and teach and love and change people’s lives for the better… It’s impossible to truly make sense of… And something a fucking hashtag on social media will only stain further.

What we heard between Trinity and Cynthia was a real conversation about the direct effect it had on two people’s lives… Two people that were technically removed from the nightmare, but still very much a part of it in a very real way. It’s something we will never escape as human beings, as sexually free human beings and it’s fucking terrifying. Sasha urged everyone not to be scared to go out and live your life, and I don’t have the answers or the ability to even offer up a solution because I don’t ducking know why there are people in this world who want something like this to happen. I’m glad that I was able to experience the rave scene pre-9/11/2001 and the Florida Gay Nightlife pre-6/12/2016. I hate that people are scared to go out now, scared that someone could shoot up a nightclub, or drive a truck into a fair, or set off a bomb, or snipe people at a concert, but I don’t blame them… Fuck I’m scared to just ride the metrorail or congregate in a large crowd.

And on that note, I’m going to move back to the competition. I didn’t expect this very real, very fresh moment at the time to be captured on camera and shot straight forward, without the usual tongue-in-cheek editing the show is known for. They just really served up a raw recount of how these acts of terror, particularly this one on the LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈 community affects us all, even if we weren’t inside that building holding a strangers hand, hoping to see tomorrow. Let’s move on… Because we have to… Because the world will keep moving even if we don’t…

The lip sync? Aja might paint like a clown, but it was clear there is something genuine inside of him… A fire that does burn for a win. She gave us a fun, energetic lip sync, especially compared to her direct competition, that screamed 'Give me another shot!’ Unfortunately that look, that concept, and that sidekick he created was indeed a pun that neither Ru, nor any of the judges, nor I can resist to crack… A PRINCESS DISASTAH!!! Aja is young and anti-glossy, the latter of which her Brooklyn Drag Sister used to her advantage in S8. Thorgy Thor gave us a purposeful unpolished polish and we ate it up. Aja just isn’t there yet, but I want her to be. It’s clear that there is talent and great ideas mixed up in this mess, and if you can’t see that then surely the good intentions are plain to see. Like Farrah Moan, he needs another 3 years or so to understand who he is. It’s not always about 'honing your craft’, even though that’s definitely a part of it, and that’s proved by Valentina who’s turning it out in the top group consistently now in the most spectacular of ways. Age may be just a number, but life experience and raw talent counts for something major… And at this point in Aja’s career, I think that’s exactly what’s lacking to make the package complete. He’ll get there tho, I’m sure of it.

Guess I won’t be eating my words… Will I, Kimora? Like I said last week, the only reason I believe Kimora was given a pass to stay was because Jaymes Mansfield was so damn terrified. I try to stay away from negativity, but Kimora doesn’t really bring the best out of anyone including herself. It’s that nasty attitude…She transparently played the 'dumb blonde’ (I guess in 2017 we call that 'Playing Kardashian’, but I have no reason to insult any of those women), and that overly confident schtick doesn’t translate when there is no substance or clever angle to back it up… Kimora is no Willam Belli. I know stupid, I’ve stared at it directly in the face… And even stupid knows what adjectives are. I just don’t buy it. Kimora is the product of a generation that eats, drinks, shits, and dreams of reality television… But this is reality tv competition and we see that you are attempting to play a part, and not even well. You wasted a spot. You sent Jaymes Mansfield home and as scared as that little bugger was, he was certainly more promising and more talented. I’m not being mean here, I’m being real. There was nothing fun about watching Kimora Blac and this is literally the last sentence I will ever write about him.

Thanks for reading. I know this was a long one. And yes, I think taking the time to share my views of the show as well as compare and contrast my life experiences was worth it, especially since we were able to cover Pulse, it’s aftermath, and what it means to me. This will be edited down as it moves to other platforms, but I think that you and you and you who have read this all the way through are worth my time and every word on this page, as ridiculously fucking long as it is. Spotlight Saga is my baby, my brand that I’m moving forward as my own online publication, who better to give the most honest and passionate piece of myself to than you?

#Drag Race #rupaulsdragraceseason9 #rupaul #Ru Paul #Ru Paul's Drag Race #Cheyenne Jackson #Todrick Hall #Trinity Taylor #Trinity The Tuck Taylor #Death Drop #Bonnie Tyler #Holding Out For a Hero #Fairytale Princess Eleganza #carson kressley #Kimora Blac #Charlie Hides #eureka o'hara #Eureka #cynthia lee fontaine #Kuku #aja drag queen #aja the kween #Aja Queen #Farrah Moan #Valentina #shea coulee #Sasha Velour #Peppermint #nina bo'nina brown #alexis michelle

[artworktragedy]

[NOTE:  While I am spiritual, let me make it clear: I am NOT a Christian, but I do know what their ‘savior’ teaches, and I do know only a FEW, such as Dr. Parker, actually practice what they preach…So for any women who are christian’s and hearing hurtful LIES; please look into his book, his interviews, writings and work….]

As these INSANE, cruel, deceitful lies are trying to be pushed back into law, sending us back in time- to a time of women dying unnecessarily because of lack of access to the legal medical procedure known as abortion I hope all women -especially thoseseeking or considering abortion, who have had an abortion, whatever the situation… I hope you will keep the following words in mind be it my video or the writing that follows. This is a very scary time for women, but abortion will always be there, and history proves the only thing banning it does is kill women who otherwise would have lived.

And they are using these anti-life freaks to try and make women feel less than they are. DO NOT BUY INTO IT! 

These woman hating, non-medical, non-scientific, non-moral proposed bills are like those who propose and support them: inhumane and psycho. We see this in “people” just like Trump and the current admin, and all those who support these death penalty, life in prison, heartbeat, personhood, and all other anti-LIFE (aka, anti-abortion and anti-woman legislature).

As all this is going on please remember, you are not a bad woman, abortion is NOT murder; BE PROUD that you are strong enough to do the right thing (if abortion is/was right for you… DO NOT be ashamed! You are being responsible. A child is a HUGE, life changing (or it should be) ordeal. And unless you want that, and can do that, and are prepared for all that you have to give up and all that the potential life will go through… I believe anything other than abortion is wrong. If a child is unwanted, it should not be, like me, brought into this world to be damaged, broken and abused, neglected, harmed and forgotten. ALL children deserve love and family. A mother.

Be proud that you care enough for yourself and for life and that you are strong enough to take responsibility instead of conforming to your “role” as an incubator. [note: of course if you want a child this doesn’t apply to you. so if you are one of the many moronic anti’s who stalk my pages, don’t bother trying to waste my time… You all say the same pathetic thing, and you all have made it clear you don’t and can’t follow what I just said and grasp the fact that abortion is a medical procedure; it is health care, and god how I wish we could remove their deceit and abuse for women deserve better- HUMANITY deserves better… But for health care and life, women especially deserve more than lies and deceit, hate, and harassment.

Pro Life ? That is to be Pro QUALITY of life, which is to be pro-choice which is to be, for REAL pro-choicers, like me, to be pro-ABORTION (meaning, if you want one, no need to explain; it’s totally normal and it’s yours)- Anti-abortionists are NOT pro-life…. As I explain briefly below the video. Oh, I don’t think I mention it but let us not forget, the violent attacks and murders these proLIFERS commit. …. You have a brain please use it… Don’t fall victim to this… sickness…

Women deserve better.



*Ignore my sloppy writing style lol, i was going to post this on facebook but decided to do it here as it turned into a rather long ��� and so true- post. so!

Yep! i post this randomly and semi often lol but as i keep anyone interested waiting for new video and blogs, etc, i wanna make sure this video especially (antis tried to get it banned on youtube; failed tho when i appealed it). i do not regret ANY of my abortions; i do use birth control, sadly, it doesnt always work. and even if i didnt- it is no ones choice or business but my own whether i bring an innocent being into the world. abortion is not murder; it stops the process of the development of a POTENTIAL (for no1 knows you won’t miscarry etc) life. 2 late term, 1 1st trimester; i believe in QUALITY of life – not controlling others, judging others, gossiping, abusing, deceiving, etc….

please remember, you are not a murderer, sinner, evil, slut, bad woman, less of awoman, etc… if you do what you know is right and if that is abortion, then rock on- you are a GOOD and strong woman. don’t let ppl who dont have to deal with things after those 9 months ruin you-and the potential innocent childs- future. do what YOU know is best. and you do know inside. abortion is but a medical procedure…anti’s do not care for life- if they did….

where are they with all the kids who are alive and need a home, love, help etc? … where are they when the cops abuse or kill children? or stray bullets in violent neighborhoods?…. they want to control women, and they could not care 2 fks about the well being of you or anyone but feeling ‘better than’ when in fact, they are LESS than.

anyone who has to resort to their tactics of lying, creating false clinics, pretending to be doctors, pretending to have scientific evidence, abusing women verbally, mentally and emotionally, trying to get women to give their developing embryo or fetus up for sale before it is even born with an emotional guilt trip…. creating fake images of alleged unborn “babies” which is a sick psycho JOKE!… not giving a damn who they hurt and not knowing one damn thing about medicine, or personal boundaries. not to mention, failing to give full information on all options including not informing fully the damage of adoption, the pros of abortion, the pros and cons of raising a child… or how about offering to help her as a new mother if she wants keeps it and not pushing for her 2 put it into the failing adoption world that brings in a billion annually in the US alone….. name calling… trying to use guilt and fear tactics…..

i could go on, and on.

but please think about it. anyone on any topic that has to resort to these things is not someone to listen to- you are not the cruel names they say, you are not doing any thing wrong or evil; you are not the first, and abortion is not new and it was not always shunned, even in america. but more on that another time. don’t let cruelty keep you from doing what is best for yourself and the future; whatever that may be. a child is a big deal; something these soulless people seem to not be able to comprehend.

As Anti-Abortion Deceit & Abuse Puts Women & Life At Risk, Please, ALL Women, Remember This FACT (Video) As these INSANE, cruel, deceitful lies are trying to be pushed back into law, sending us back in time- to a time of women dying unnecessarily because of lack of access to the legal medical procedure known as abortion I hope all women -especially thoseseeking or considering abortion, who have had an abortion, whatever the situation...

#Abortion #anti-abortion #death penalty #Dr. Willie Parker #heart beat #late-term abortion #Lies #personhood #Texas Legislature #woman facing prison for abortion

[mittensmorgul]

ok ok i KNOW promos are little more than glimpsing the episode through a keyhole, BUT, if it is what it looks like, i think it’s safe to say that dean is doing his Classic Dean thing, and projecting the anger he feels at himself onto other people. because we KNOW how hard it was for dean to come around to jack, and accept that he wasn’t a threat, and dean even fully embraced him as part of the family, and then.... jack maybe kinda turns out to be exactly what dean thought he was from the start.

Yeah, that’s at least a big part of this. I mean, let’s go back and look at Dean’s trust-vs-acceptance arcs way back in s4. It’s not an exact parallel, but it’s thematically similar.

And for full owie factor, I’m watching 8.07 while I’m typing this up (thanks, TNT loop), and I have it paused on the scene where Dean and Cas are having their little talk while waiting for Linda Tran to show up… Dean’s angry and hurt, and has literally created a false memory of the situation because it was too painful. So yeah, we know this is something Dean does.

But back to the example I was gonna use here. In s4, Dean was being asked to trust Ruby, despite all his instincts screaming at him not to. Obviously Dean never developed a parental relationship with her, she never fully entered his sphere of trust the way Jack has, which only makes this a thousand times worse now. Because Jack DID get through Dean’s defenses, and proved he was worthy of being there, in Dean’s inner circle of family.

And despite everything, Dean’s gonna hate HIMSELF for what Jack’s done now. Because HE feels responsible for not being able to handle Jack’s death back in 14.08, because HE pushed to find a way to bring Jack back, because HE didn’t know how to handle things when Jack wasn’t doing well again, because HE allowed Jack’s “I’m fine” to stand even back in 14.14 before he burned up so much of his soul to kill Michael, and because HE didn’t know how bad things were getting for Jack now.

I mean, if DEAN had only been able to hold Michael back, Jack would never have had to risk his own soul to save them. If he’d just thrown himself in the ocean, Jack could’ve been FINE, right?!

I mean, Dean doesn’t know that Jack already wasn’t fine, and that he was already casually burning up more and more of his soul to hide his symptoms in 14.14. Dean ALSO doesn’t know what Cas sacrificed in order to bring Jack’s soul back in 14.08. And he’s gonna feel like crap when he finds out, because Cas did that for him, because he honestly believed that Dean would rather have Jack healthy and whole than him. And just D: D: D:

Cas and Dean are BOTH in this boat– Dean because of the guilt surrounding everything to do with Michael and his own personal perceived failings in that regard, and Cas who has now literally thrown everything away FOR NOTHING.

Cas staked EVERYTHING. HE. IS. on recovering Jack’s soul, and he’s horrified and had been in denial that it was lost forever. For NOTHING.

GEE. I WONDER WHY HE DIDN’T TELL DEAN.

He was so desperate he set out to find God again. Not for the reasons he did back in s5, but for incredibly PERSONAL reasons. I mean 5.02:

CASTIEL: I killed two angels this week. My brothers. I’m hunted. I rebelled. And I did it, all of it, for you, and you failed. You and your brother destroyed the world, and I lost everything, for nothing. So keep your opinions to yourself.

and from 5.18:

CASTIEL: I rebelled for this?! So that you could surrender to them? DEAN: Cas! Please! CASTIEL: I gave everything for you. And this is what you give to me.

Can you imagine sacrificing literally everything you are, all chance at future happiness included, for someone who KNEW exactly what you had given up, only to have that person feel their “mission” was more important than anything else? Who was willing to sacrifice both of them to complete that mission? Because that’s what Jack has done.

If Jack’s soul really is gone forever, then Cas’s sacrifice has been for nothing. But Dean’s reaction is clearly coming from a place where Dean himself knows nothing about that sacrifice. Because Cas didn’t want to burden him with it. And Jack KNEW that.

But there’s so many of these threads coming together in the plot knot currently. and heck, this scene from 8.07 is on my screen rn:

DEAN: That was a bonehead move back there. You could have gotten yourself killed. Why didn’t you wait for me?CASTIEL: Well, I didn’t get killed. And it worked.DEAN: And if it didn’t?CASTIEL: It would have been my problem.DEAN: Well, that’s not the way I see it.CASTIEL: Hey, everything isn’t your responsibility. Getting me out of Purgatory wasn’t your responsibility.DEAN: You didn’t get out. So whose fault was it?CASTIEL: It’s not about fault. It’s about will. Dean, do you really not remember?DEAN: [laughs shortly] I lived it, Cas. Okay, I know what happened.CASTIEL: No. No, you think you know. You remembered it the way you needed to.DEAN: Look, I don’t need to feel like hell for failing you, okay? For failing you like I’ve failed every other godforsaken thing that I care about! I don’t need it!

Sacrifice, self-worth, free will and choice… same themes, different go-around on all the loops here.

One last thought… Jack’s had a LOT of Star Wars references around his narrative journey. Dean’s been worried Jack could go Dark Side since the day he was born. I mean, Dean was worried at first that Jack was BORN dark, and it took him A LOT to separate out the guilt, horror, and grief of Cas’s death back in early s13 for Dean to even BEGIN to see that Jack wasn’t inherently evil. It took Cas coming back from the Empty (that metaphorical Dark Side), and then Jack’s time in the AU fighting alongside Mary for him to truly feel that Jack was growing into the Light Side of the Force.

It wasn’t that Jack killed Nick, because it had become clear that Nick was just Lucifer Lite (all the evil, none of the archangelic mojo), and despite being given several chances to stop, Jack did what we all knew had to be done. Only… the WAY he did it was just horrifying in itself. He could’ve just… zapped Nick dead instantly. He could’ve snapped his fingers and turned him to dust like he’s done to so many others, going back to the angels he poofed in the AU during s13. Heck, he could’ve shot him or just stabbed him with a knife. Nick was human. It would’ve killed him. But instead, Jack wanted him to suffer. Jack inflicted slow torture on Nick, believing he deserved to suffer. And that Jack was righteous in being the agent of that suffering.

That wasn’t a reflection on what Nick might or might not have deserved, but on JACK, and the fact he’s not in control of the Force anymore. The Dark Side got his claws in him, and it’s controlling him now.

It reminded me a tiny bit of one of Dean’s lessons during 6.11, while Dean was playing Death for a day. One touch and he could end the suffering of people slated to die and send them on to their afterlife– be it Heaven, Hell, whatever. It wasn’t DEAN CAUSING this guy’s suffering, but kinda… choosing to let it go on a lil bit, because the guy had been willing to shoot a KID just to rob a convenience store:

TESSA Hello? Tick tock.DEAN He’s in agonizing pain, right?TESSA Uh, yes.DEAN Give me a minute.

Dean then called the guy’s spirit a dick, and basically told him he was going to Hell… I mean, I get it, it feels good to watch someone get their comeuppance. But it’s another thing entirely to be the cause of someone’s suffering, even if they richly deserve it. To actively, vindictively feel justified in making someone suffer the way Jack did to Nick there. Nothing else mattered to him in that moment, and if Mary hadn’t been there growing more and more horrified, who even knows how long that torture would’ve continued. It wasn’t at all about what Nick “deserved.” We all get it, he deserved to suffer. It was about what this (and his actions in the next scene talking to Mary) said about JACK.

Like soulless!Sam, he can’t even see how wrong his actions are. He becomes defensive when Mary tries to explain, as carefully as she can, why she’s concerned for him. But Jack’s self-preservation, and the preservation of his beliefs about himself in a fundamental way, were threatened. He tried to rationalize and defend his actions. He told her Sam and Dean were GRATEFUL that he’d killed Nick and stopped Lucifer from coming back. And yeah, we all are, but that’s dusted now and we’re left with this deep concern for Jack instead.

He needed his actions to be justified, to be approved of, because without his own internal moral compass, he NEEDS the “What Would The Winchesters Do” validation. And Mary couldn’t give it.

At this point, I’ve typed so long I’ve got one last example from the TNT loop, at the end of 8.08. Fred Jones finally gets to confront the evil man who’d used his power to do bad things and got a lot of people killed in the process. When Sam and Cas confronted Fred, and woke him up enough to recognize what was happening, Fred used his power to kill the evil doctor. He didn’t drag it out, just forced the guy to turn the gun on himself while telling him that he’d never hurt anyone else again. But then Fred could see how his powers had been used for evil, and instead of attempting to defend or justify any of this, he voluntarily allowed his powers (and much of what made him him) to be extracted so that he could never be used that way again.

Jack… did the opposite.

This is all tied up in Cas’s personal issues with his own power, his identity, his endless struggles for and against Heaven, what he’s personally sacrificed for his loved ones. And heck at this point I don’t even remember the initial question, so I hope I’ve answered it…

*scrolls up to reread this before posting*

wow this reply went places…

#spn 14.17 #spn 14.18 #spn s14 spoilers #spn 8.07 #spn 8.08 #spn 6.11 #spn 14.08 #spn 14.14 #spn 5.02 #spn 5.18 #Anonymous #spiders georg of the tnt loop #s14 meta rewatch