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honeypiehotchner · 3 years

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intelligence & issues (Hotch x Fem!Reader) -- chapter twenty-two

I’m liking this two updates a week schedule because I hate leaving you guys hanging like that!! I hope this chapter makes it all better xx.

Oh btw the title of this chapter and last chapter are lyrics from “Hold On” by Chord Overstreet! (Also I know the gif is irrelevant but the ~emotion~ of it is relevant)

ALSO (wow I have a lot I keep forgetting to add) I meant to @ her last chapter, but all of these medical scenes and things were 100% done with the help of @thedumpsterqueen because I know next to nothing about all this stuff and she was an angel and let me ask all the crazy questions <333 (P.S. she has a Hotch fic called Standards of Performance on her blog that you guys should alllll read if you haven’t already!! It’s SO good it’s one of my favorites)

Warnings: angst and sadness, but that’s pretty much it

Previous chapter || Fic Masterlist

Chapter Twenty-Two: I can’t imagine a world with you gone

Everything is a blur in Hotch’s mind before and after the first gunshot rings through the air. He didn’t need to hear the buzzing in his ear to know it had hit you.

He took off at a sprint, as did the rest of the team.

His ears are ringing. His thoughts are racing. He’s never been a man who talks frequently to God, but he’s praying. Hoping you’re alive. Begging you to not be dead.

Aaron would never forgive himself if you died. As it stands, though, he won’t ever forgive himself for this.

Prentiss, Reid, and Rossi take off in one direction. Hotch and Morgan take the other. Police officers fill the gaps and follow behind, everyone searching for you and Savannah.

Morgan is the first to stumble on the room. His throat aches when he screams for Hotch, keeping his weapon aimed at Savannah.

“Put the gun down!” Morgan yells.

Hotch comes skidding to a stop in the doorway a second later, weapon raised, but his eyes are focused on you. Savannah’s boot is pressing into your thigh, blood oozing from your wound, soaking your pants, spilling onto the concrete. Hotch’s heart drops at the sight. He’s seen enough bullet wounds to know how much blood should come from them. That is too much.

The bullet must’ve hit the major artery. And the thought terrifies him.

Morgan takes the shot when Savannah refuses to move. It hits her stomach and she stumbles for a moment before falling. Morgan yells for the paramedics again, distantly thinking they should be in here by now.

Hotch falls to the ground beside you, his hands cupping your face, not caring who sees. His thumbs tap your cheeks, willing you to open your eyes. You have a pulse, but it’s weak. Weaker than what it should be.

He presses hard over your wound, hoping to slow the bleeding, but there’s more surrounding your leg than he wants to see.

“Y/N?” He says, his eyes watching your eyelids for any movement. He lets out a momentary sigh of relief when your eyes open. “Y/N, please, can you hear me?”

You stare back at him, no signs of his words registering in your eyes. They’re empty. Haunted, again, but for a different reason this time. This time it’s different. “Aaron…”

“I’m here,” Hotch says gently, pressing his hand harder, his heart breaking when you groan in pain. “I know,” he says, shushing you.

Your eyes travel around the room then, and Aaron follows. Morgan is pressing his hand over Savannah’s wound, speaking into his wrist, asking the others where the hell the paramedics are at.

But Aaron doesn’t want you to see that, so he cups your jaw again, turning your eyes back on him. He smiles as best he can, the tears beginning to spill from his eyes as he takes in your face.

“There’s my girl,” he says softly. “Keep holding on. They’re almost here.”

“Aaron,” you try to say, your voice low and strained, and Aaron shakes his head, trying to get you to stop talking. “Aaron...I don’t wanna go without-- I need to tell you that I--”

“Shhh,” he tries again, not wanting you to waste any energy. “You don’t need to.”

“I love you,” you finally get it out. And he’s stunned to complete silence and tears. “I love you so...so much. It hurts.”

“Y/N,” he says, panicked. Your eyes are closing. “Y/N! Come back, Y/N, come back to me. Y/N. Y/N, please.”

Hotch is too caught up in holding your face and keeping pressure on your wound to notice the paramedics have arrived. One team goes to Savannah, relieving Morgan, while the other comes to you, trying to usher Hotch away, but he doesn’t budge.

“Hotch,” Morgan tugs on the unit chief, grabbing at his arms, his heart breaking for the both of you. “Hotch, you need to let them get to her.”

Reluctantly, Hotch backs up, clenching his bloodied fist, grimacing at the way your blood sticks his skin together.

Everything else is a blur.

What does it need to be clear for, anyway? If you’re not here?

+++

You’re still in surgery.

It’s been an hour. But it feels longer. It feels like it’s been an entire twenty-four hours.

The entire team has taken up camp in a waiting room at the hospital.

Reid is reading and rereading every magazine he can get his hands on to distract himself, never mind the fact that he reads them so fast that he rips a page on one from turning it so quickly. Morgan has Garcia on the phone and has left to get coffee at least three times, the first time returning with a tray of steaming cups and the next two times returning with only one, but two tearful eyes. Emily has been pacing and will wear a hole into the tile at this rate if she walks for another hour. JJ has been staring at the wall, chewing so hard on the inside of her cheek that she flinches when she draws blood.

Rossi has been staring at the wall, too, but mostly he’s been worrying about and watching Hotch.

Aaron has been biting his nails, tugging at his hair, angrily wiping away tears, and left once to go on a walk before returning two minutes later, asking if they had heard anything. Those two minutes had felt like two hours and he was worried sick for all 120 seconds that he missed something.

Dave hasn’t tried to say anything to Aaron, though he wants to. It’s heartbreaking to watch Aaron like this.

You’re going to pull through. Dave — and the rest of the team — can’t afford to think otherwise. And they refuse to think otherwise, unable to imagine what it would be like if you weren’t here.

But it seems like Aaron is thinking otherwise.

Truthfully, he is. But he’s thinking about so much more.

You love him. You love him. You love him.

And he was too stunned to say it back. The one chance he had, and it might be gone now. Ripped away. Forever.

He sent you in there. He did this to you. He had his reservations, but the call had already been made. You seemed so sure. You wanted to do this so badly. He didn’t want another fight about him not trusting you because it’s not about his trust for you, it’s about how terrified he was for you.

He’ll never forgive himself for this now. Not ever.

It’s a world he can’t even bear to imagine. One without you in it.

Yet here he is, grappling with the fact that he might not have to imagine it soon. He sent you in there. He knowingly put your life in danger. And now he’ll have to live with the consequences.

+++

Aaron is shaken from his trance by the doctor and a nurse coming in to inform the team that you’re out of surgery and that it went well.

But you’re in the ICU.

“She lost a great deal of blood,” the doctor says gravely. “But we think she’ll pull through. She just needs to be watched closely for the time being.”

Everyone nods silently, not sure of what else to say, other than feeling relief that you’re alive.

“Visiting hours are long over, so I recommend you all get some rest,” the nurse says. “She’s in good hands here.”

“Thank you,” Rossi replies.

The doctor excused himself, but the nurse stayed, offering to answer any extra questions. “Visiting hours start at seven a.m.,” she says first. “And in the ICU, only two visitors are allowed in her room at a time.” She doesn’t voice an apology, but one is in her tone as she glances between the six team members.

“Can I stay?” Hotch blurts out of nowhere. The team member’s heads all turn to look at him in surprise. “Can anyone stay the night, I mean.”

“Uh, yeah,” the nurse nods. “One person can.” Her eyebrows furrow sincerely. “Are you her dad?”

Morgan internalizes a snort.

“No,” Hotch replies kindly. “I’m not, but I’d like to stay. I’m her boss.”

Still the nurse looks skeptical. “Would she be okay with—”

“She’s his girlfriend,” Emily blurts out, tired of waiting. And when Hotch sends her a look, she says, “What? It would’ve taken you hours to say it.”

“Oh,” the nurse chuckles, embarrassed. “I’m so sorry. Yes, of course you can stay.”

Hotch lets a tiny smile shine through, but it’s not much. Truth is, he’s terrified to see you. But leaving you here alone – even if this is a hospital – terrifies him more.

The rest of the team says goodbye to head back to the hotel for some much-needed rest, if they can sleep at all. They know they’ll wake every couple hours to worry about you before sleep consumes them once more.

In the meantime, Hotch will be here to look after you for all of them. You’re like a little sister to the rest of them, even though Morgan is the only one to have voiced that. You’re loved here. Loved more than you’ll ever be able to comprehend.

You’re loved by Aaron much more than he’ll ever be able to articulate to you. But he’ll try. He’ll try to help you see.

+++

Hotch is finally walking to your room in the ICU after another half hour of waiting. The nurse said they had to get everything settled in your room before he could come back, which only made Hotch’s worry spike even more.

But eventually, he’s in your room with you. A pillow and blanket is in the chair by the window, but he’s not paying attention to it.

You. You’re asleep, of course, and probably will be for a few more hours. The nurse said you had already woken up once, but because of the pain medicine and the overall stress your body has been under in the past few hours, you fell back to sleep almost instantly.

Tears well in his eyes at the sight of you, laid up in the hospital bed, IVs and wires all over you. The beeping of the heart monitor is the only real sign to him that you’re even alive. Your chest is rising and falling, but it’s barely visible underneath the gown and blankets and wires.

You have one regular IV placed on the top of your left hand. Some other line is in your upper arm, and another in your wrist. He has no idea what they’re all for, he just knows he hates seeing you connected to so much.

Aaron wipes at his eyes angrily. Does he have a right to be this upset when he’s the one who sent you in there?

He turns and sets the pillow and blankets in the other chair, knowing he won’t sleep tonight even if he wanted to. Instead, he pulls the chair closer to your bed, where he can place his hand next to yours.

And, if you happen to wake up, you can reach for him if you need to.

+++

Three hours pass and you still haven’t woken up. Aaron knows. He’s been watching you the entire time.

The nurses have come to check on you a few times, assuring Aaron that it’s normal for you to be sleeping like this. But he just nods silently.

He wants you to wake up. Just for a minute. He needs you to just open your eyes and look at him, just once. That’s all he needs.

But it’s wishful thinking as the sky begins to lighten, showing the first signs of dawn.

Aaron links his pinky with yours, afraid to do much else and risk messing up your IV. Holding pinky fingers is enough right now. Or at least, it’ll have to be.

“I’m sorry,” he says out loud, to you, or really to no one at all, because he’s not even sure you can hear him. “I’m just so...sorry, Y/N.”

Stupid tears gather in his eyes again, clogging his throat, stopping his words.

But he keeps going.

“It’s my fault,” he says. “And I know you’ll try to convince me that it’s not, but Y/N, it is and I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I let this happen to you.”

He leans his head into the palm of his free hand, tightening his pinky finger’s grip on yours.

“I love you,” he blurts it out, tears warming his palm as they cascade down his cheeks. “I love you and I need you to wake up because I need you to hear it. I love you. I don’t think there’s ever been a day that I’ve known you that I haven’t loved you.”

He sniffles, loud and body-rattling, glad he’s alone in this room with you because he’d never let anyone else see him like this. No one but you.

“I tried to get it out before, but you were already gone, and I— You need to wake up. I need you to wake up. Please.”

Aaron keeps his eyes closed and head down for a few minutes longer. He doesn’t even see that you’ve opened your eyes.

Until your pinky finger gently squeezes his.

He lifts his head quickly, eyes wide and wild when he sees you’re looking back at him, eyes glassy with tears and exhaustion.

And just like that, just seeing your eyes open and looking right at him, the dam breaks once more. He’s a mess of tears when he leans his head down onto the bed. You lift your hand and thread your fingers through his hair, closing your eyes as more tears slip down your cheeks.

You scratch a soothing pattern on the base of his skull, moving your other hand over your body to hold onto his arm. He senses the movement and lifts his head, grabbing your hand and pressing it to his lips.

He’s not sure how long he stays there, all he knows is his back aches when he straightens up again, and you’ve fallen back asleep.

Next chapter

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joysbell · 4 years

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The One with the Snowstorm: Part I

It’s Summer and I’m thinking of snow. It’s obviously too hot.

The One with the Snow Storm: Part I

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My boots crunched in the snow and I sank with every step I took. The dense white burden was at least two feet high, and it came up to my knees. Illyrian leathers kept me warm, although they were loose, and hung from my body in an unpleasant, unattractive way—I did not care. I hated them. But in any other clothing I would freeze.

The cold was like nothing I had experienced before. Every breathe I took hurt my lungs. Any exposed skin burned. My nose felt like it was going to freeze and shatter off.

Everything was white. The trees, the village in the distance, my cabin. Yes, my cabin I reminded myself. It was covered in snow before me. It was rickety—in desperate need of repairs. Small, with only a tiny kitchenette, living room and hearth, one bedroom, one bath. A cabin meant for an Illyrian bachelor, now occupied by the village witch, the outsider, that Made fae who no one would touch, literally.

I had tried.

What I wanted was to be touched. Hard, soft, fast, slow. It did not matter. The Illyrians were beautiful, muscled, with calloused hands. And I wanted one. I hoped it would be rough. But nothing. No one would come near me.

I had tried to get liquor as well. And failed. I had also tried to gamble with some jewels I still had; but no one would play. It seemed I had a cautionary sign on my back.

Now, after months of living here I kept to myself. When I went to the village it was a brief visit, and only because I desperately needed something. I did not bother with anyone or anything and they did not bother with me. I was a ghost.

A ghost that lived in a little run-down cabin on the hill.

When I first came to the mountains, Cassian had made me an offer to stay at his residence. A place I had never seen because I had chosen the other option instead—an abandoned cabin. There had not been time to build me a proper home, Cassian had said, and had apologized. I had sneered.

I do not want you to build me a house.

Instead he insisted on slowly repairing this place. The first thing he did was install locks on my door. I let him. But I did not talk to him. I knew it was his job to check on me—Feyre had insisted. But silence was all that met him when he came.

For three months now he had come, three times a week, on schedule. Cassian brought things from my sisters, cheese, bread, flowers, books… I threw away everything aside from the books. I needed them. I did not want to eat. I did not want to decorate. But the books were an escape from all of this, and they allowed me to travel, to be someone else, to live a different life—a life I did not want to throw away.

Cassian was coming today. So, I stopped drifting away in the snow outside and picked up a few pieces of firewood in my arms. They were heavy and I was weak. All I could carry was three logs, but that would be enough for the hearth. I only lit the fire when he came, because otherwise the bat would throw a fit.

I slowly waded through the snow to my front door. I had left it ajar and the cold had crept inside. The hearth waited for me.

Once I had the fire started, I plopped myself on the couch. Barely a couch, at that. It was worn, blue, and mine. I had insisted it be brought to this place from my old apartment. It had the perfect slump, still smelled like turned wine, and made Cassian angrier than a hellhound. He refused to sit on it. Which pleased me.

I could feel him coming suddenly. He was flying fast, moving more aggressively than usual. The wind howled outside, but it was as if I could hear him, see him, flying straight down to the snow, landing as hard as a mallet to stone.

I grabbed a book and opened it, pretending I had been reading and put on the appearance that I did not want to be disturbed.

“Hello Nesta,” Cassian said, as he stepped through the door I had not locked. He gently tossed a bag on the table by the door. It thumped, obviously full of whatever he had brought. I knew he did not expect me to respond.

Not a word had been spoken from my lips to him since I had come here. I told myself today would be no different. I might look, I might glare, or smirk, or sneer, but otherwise I was mute.

Cassian never stopped talking when he came. If I were going to be silent, he would refuse to shut up.

“The bag has food, clothes, books—from Elain,” he said, rather shortly. It was always things from Elain. “She misses you—wishes you would allow a visit,” he pulled a chair back from the table and sat down.

His whole body was tense. I could see his muscles twitch beneath his leathers. His black hair was pulled tighter than it usually was, in a half bun wrapped in red thread, the rest of the tendrils hanging down against his neck. His eyes bore into me. Cassian smirked, “Sadly, I told Elain hell would probably freeze over before you allowed anyone to come here.”

I silently agreed and kept my nose in my book.

A couple minutes passed where he said nothing. Strange, unlike him to be so quiet. Slowly I looked up from my book and made a passing glance. His eyes met mine and I quickly returned to my cover of paper and words.

“There’s a storm coming. A bad storm. I am worried for you to be alone here during it. I will not be able to fly—”

Instantly, I turned and gave him a dark look of steel. I would be fine. Leave me alone, I said with a clench of my teeth.

Cassian crossed him arms, challenging my expression. Still tense, still tired, but ready to fight me.

You will not stay here.

Yes, I will. It is my job to protect you, and I will not disobey my High Lord and High Lady.

Was this conversation really happening? This was not the first time I felt as if we talked in our minds. Not the first time I looked at Cassian and knew what he was thinking, what he was saying to me and only me. It made me shirk back into my couch, clutch my book harder, and debate whether to throw it at him—

“Nesta, I am sorry to invade your sanctuary. But I will be staying. You may take the couch. I will sleep in your bed,” he finished, and started laughing. His shoulders seemed to sigh, relax.

He had a bad day. Now he was at ends with having to stay with me. Then I realized why the bag he had thrown on the table was so heavy. His things were inside.

When is this storm? I slammed my book shut and got up from my couch.

“The storm is coming tonight,” Cassian said, and I wondered if it was an answer or a coincidence. “I’ll be out of your hair before you know it. But in the meantime, I brought some knitting to do…”

I turned from him and rolled my eyes. If he was not testing me, he was joking, the stupidest things came out of his mouth—

“Perhaps I will knit you a blanket to keep you warm, your skin and bones. I am surprised you have not died from the cold yet; it is notorious here. With no fat on you, you hardly stand a chance. If you get caught outside in a whitewash, and cannot find your way back, you will be dead in an hour.”

From where he still sat at the table, he looked me over without shame, slowly starting at my feet and working his way up to my face. It was primal.

The air between us always changed so quickly.

A storm was coming, and Cassian was going to ride it out with me.

I looked back at him with menace. The arrogance. To think I could not survive some snow. I had survived the cauldron, I had clawed my way out and took a chunk of it with me, but snow—I shook my head, and went for his bag. I picked it up and shoved it at him. A demand that he leaves.

Cassian sighed, “If you really want me to leave, I will. But” he pressed, “I might get caught in the storm on my way home. And if something happens to me, can you live with yourself?”

Absolutely, I wanted to yell at him, and at that cocky grin that replaced the lament on his face.

Yet I found myself surrender. I found myself back at a place I had not allowed myself to go in a long time. A place where I shielded a broken warrior’s body, sacrificing myself, ready to go—and then I snapped back, and found Cassian staring at me with concern.

Do not, I thought. Do not look at me like that.

Cassian stood a little taller, much taller than I, and changed his expression. He was waiting for an answer. He really was giving me a choice—a horrible one, but a choice.

Stay, I relented. Stay here. But stay away from me.

Cassian smiled. “I’m going to make your dinner.”

I wanted to throttle him. I wanted to scream because he irritated me. With that smile, that smirk, that cocky, arrogant, toned body—

Cassian’s smile grew and he turned, heading for the kitchen. I swore there was extra swagger as he moved his ass. Fucking bastard.

For a moment I prayed the storm took us both.

#snow storm #cabin fever #nesta #nesta x cassian #nesta archeron #cassian #acotar #acomaf #acowar #acofas #sarah j. maas #sjmaas #nessian fanfiction #nessian #nessian fanfic #feyre archeron #rhysand

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rushingheadlong · 4 years

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Losing My Way - A Queen Gen Fic

Summary: Brian is burning himself out trying to stay on top of all of his responsibilities. He knows it’s only a matter of time until something gives, and he knows that something will probably be his thesis - but that doesn’t make his failure any easier to stomach.

Wordcount: ~5,500

Tags/Warnings: H/C, angst, anxiety attacks, guilt, discussions of parental pressure and feeling like a failure

Notes: Companion fic to And I Get Afraid. You don’t necessarily need to read that one first, but it may help to have the additional context. Given the events in Brian's life in 1974, this ended up being a fair bit more angsty than "And I Get Afraid" so please heed the tags on this! (Crossposted to AO3 here.)

“What does that mean?”

“It means he’s thinking of giving up on his thesis.”

Giving up.

There’s something ugly about those two words, some finality that Brian instinctively tries to shy away from, as if by dancing around the subject he can somehow make it less real. Setting it aside, he says instead, or, Taking a bit of a break, as if he would ever return to his thesis if he chose Queen now.

Brian still loves the stars and his research as much as he did when he first began his studies, but the truth of the matter is that he’s tired. Between the thesis and the band and working an actual job to pay the bills, Brian feels like he’s been running on fumes for months now. There are days when he doesn’t quite feel like a person, let alone anything approaching a functioning one, just a collection of static thoughts trapped in a body that’s running on autopilot, a machine that doesn’t know that it’s time to shut down.

There was stress, in the beginning, when Brian first realized that he was burning out, but it faded as the exhaustion set in and now the only thing Brian has left is his shame and guilt. It was born in his advisor’s office, when he had bluntly told Brian to focus on his thesis or stop wasting both of their time, and it grew every time Brian couldn’t stop one of his responsibilities from slipping through the cracks despite his efforts to stay afloat. Now it sits heavy on Brian’s chest, weighing him down until he feels stuck in place, and turning his thoughts back to that familiar darkness that’s haunted him his entire life.

He’s put so much time into his thesis already that it feels impossible to be standing here, on the verge of admitting that he’s failed, he’s not good enough, he can’t do it - but it feels even more impossible to give up Queen. The band doesn’t come with a guarantee of financial security, or long-term stability, or any of the things that his father tells him that he should aspire to have… but the band comes with the only things that are still keeping Brian going these days.

His friends. Their music. The moments of fleeting joy when he can create things and be a part of something more than himself, better than himself, instead of the waste of time and space that he feels like most days. Instead of the disappointing son that he’s grown into despite his father’s sacrifices and wishes for him.

“One show, that’s all I’m asking for, a single show in the next week or two just to keep our name out there, and then I’m fine waiting until summer!” Roger is saying to Freddie, after John leaves for class and as Brian slowly packs away his Red Lady with fumbling hands that don’t seem to want to cooperate with him. “You don’t even have to handle the booking, I’ll do it myself!”

Confidence in Queen comes easy to Roger, and to Freddie as well, but it does not come easy to Brian. Brian has to work to stay optimistic, has to fight for every scrap of faith that things will work out for them - because he only has faith in them. Not in himself, not anymore.

Maybe that’s the real reason he’s choosing Queen. Not because it’s the right choice to make, but because despite the struggles it’s still far easier to sink what little energy he has left into the band when Queen has three other people fighting to keep her afloat, instead of into his thesis where Brian has to rely on himself alone to carve out every inch of progress that he can. But there’s still a cold voice in the back of Brian’s mind that tells him that he’s taking the easy way out, that he’s being foolish, that he’s almost 26 now and shouldn’t he be setting aside these childish dreams already?

It’s a voice that has sent Brian down into more than one panicked spiral, late at night when he’s too anxious to sleep but too tired to keep working, when his thoughts race with a thousand directions, full of calculations of how much time he’s sunk into his thesis, into the band, into everything he’s already failed at and everything he could still fail at if he’s not careful. And it’s a voice that only gets colder every time Brian gives more consideration to the possibility of giving up on his thesis-

Not giving up.

Setting aside. Taking a break.

Freddie, unphased by Roger’s enthusiasm and unaware of the way that Brian’s heart has started to race uncomfortably in his chest, just snorts in amusement and slings an arm around Roger’s shoulders. “We’ll figure something out, Rog, don’t worry, but apart from John’s upcoming exams, we don’t even know what everyone’s schedules are like yet.”

“By everyone you mean Brian,” Roger says, and he twists around and calls back to Brian, “Hey! What’s your schedule like for the next few weeks?”

Brian’s ears are ringing, loud enough to drown out the sound of Freddie’s laughter and whatever chiding response he gives to Roger, and Brian can feel his face grow hot with embarrassment. “Busy,” he mumbles as he closes the latches on his guitar case, praying that his friends don’t notice the way his hands are shaking.

“Busy? That’s all you can give us?” Roger teases. “We’re trying to plan our rockstar career here, and all you can say is that you’re busy?”

Roger is joking, Brian knows that he is, but they’re words that hit their mark a little too well, sting a little more than they should. Brian said that he’d take the summer to fully commit to either his thesis or with Queen, but in the meantime he’s doing both a disservice. He’s holding the band back and wasting his advisor’s time, and half-assing everything that lands on his plate because he’s stretched too thin and scared of letting go of the things he knows that he can’t do. He keeps thinking that, maybe, if he tries a bit harder, works a bit longer, puts in a few more hours, he can somehow make it all work without having to let anyone down - but that hasn’t worked out for him so far.

“Give him a break, Roger, you know he’s juggling more than the rest of us combined,” Freddie says. “Speaking of which, you really should come out with us tonight, Brian dear. Rog and I are getting drinks, and you deserve a night off more than we do!”

Does he? Brian is fairly certain that he hasn’t done anything to justify slacking off, no matter how nice a night out with his friends sounds right now. He’s drowning in half-finished projects and broken promises, and as he starts to shake his head he can see Freddie’s smile dim in disappointment - and Brian’s stomach sinks, because no matter what he does he always seems to be letting someone down.

“Please, Brimi?” Freddie asks, a little softer. “It’s been ages since you’ve gone out with us.”

Brian’s breath hitches as the force of Freddie’s pleading hits him and he finds himself stammering, “I- I have to drop off my guitar…”

It’s not a no, but it’s not really a yes either - but that doesn’t stop Roger from giving a loud, celebratory whoop and Freddie from beaming at him and saying, “Not a problem, darling, we’ll walk with you back to your place and then hit the pub from there!”

“I… Well I mean...” Brian tries to backpedal as Freddie and Roger start shepherding him out of their practice studio and into the too-bright afternoon sun. He doesn’t want to disappoint them, can’t stomach the thought of ruining their excitement now, but the voice in the back of his mind is reminding him of his thesis and the work he was supposed to get done tonight, and he has to hold himself rigid to stop his entire body from shaking with anxiety.

“You two go ahead, I’m gonna smoke and then I’ll meet you at the pub,” Roger says as he pulls out his cigarettes.

“Whoever gets there first grabs the first round?” Freddie suggests, and Roger shrugs in agreement before ducking around the corner of the building.

“Well then, we’ll just have to take our time getting there, won’t we?” Freddie says, winking at Brian, and he starts walking off down the street. It takes Brian a moment to remember how his legs work and he stumbles over his feet, causing his guitar case to bang against his leg, as he hurries to catches up.

“I don’t know why Roger’s so concerned about booking a show right now,” Freddie says as they walk, and Brian’s stomach sinks as he realizes that he’s going to be trapped in a conversation about the one thing he doesn’t want to keep thinking about. “I mean, once our album is released we’ll be right back in the spotlight! And with John now graduating we can do a proper tour this fall - well, assuming you decide give up your thesis, that is.”

“Set aside,” Brian mumbles, and it takes far too much effort to force out even those two words. His tongue feels like a useless weight and he thinks his throat is closing up, until he swallows and feels that it isn’t.

If Freddie hears Brian’s correction he doesn’t acknowledge it. “And we nearly have enough new material for a second album, which the studio has already promised to let us record once they find a label willing to release our work. That’ll be more than enough to keep us busy for a while, I should think.”

Busy. Freddie says that like it’s a good thing, and Brian can see how it would be but… god, he’s so tired and the thought of giving up (setting aside) his thesis only to have more obligations piled on his plate makes his chest tight with anxiety. He takes a deep breath, just to remind himself that he still can, and realizes with a start that they’ve somehow already arrived at Brian’s flat without him noticing.

Keys. That’s the next step here, but Brian drops them as he pulls them out of his pocket. He stares at them on the ground for a moment and Freddie leans down to pick them up before Brian can get his body cooperating with him again.

“Tired, dear?” Freddie says lightly, teasingly, but the joke falls flat when he opens the door and takes a step inside. “Oh…”

Brian knows what it looks like. Papers and textbooks are scattered everywhere, half-empty cups of tea abandoned across the room, dirty clothes trailing out of his bedroom because his laundry hamper is full but he hasn’t had time to wash anything recently. Something smells vaguely off and Brian doesn’t know if it’s the trash or just the general grime that’s built up around Brian’s life when he was too busy to keep on top of things. The only thing he’s sure about is that it’s not a forgotten plate of food that’s gone bad, because Brian can’t actually remember the last time he ate something at home instead of forcing down something between errands and obligations.

Freddie, carefully, picks his way over to the small table shoved in the corner where Brian spends most of his free hours. It too is covered in papers filled with indecipherable notes, song lyrics that trail off into equations, half-formed paragraphs for his thesis morphing into chord progressions, a chaos of ideas exploding off the page with no rhyme or reason to any of it. Brian knows that, realistically, very little of that is actually usable but he still hesitates to throw any of it away, just in case one of those scraps contains some important answer that he can use as a lifeline to pull himself out of this mess.

Freddie brushes his fingers along the top of the mess of papers, and glances up at Brian. His face is carefully neutral but he can’t hide the worry in his voice as he asks, “Brian, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Brian says, or at least that’s what he wants to say. He gets the first syllable out but the fine gets caught in his throat, and he tries to take a deep breath to try again but all he manages is a hitching gasp and there’s not enough oxygen in his lungs anymore and he can’t breathe, god, he can’t breathe-

His guitar case hits the floor with a low thud that Brian barely hears over the blood pounding in his ears and his own desperate, ragged breaths as he tries desperately to pull enough air into his body. He’s had panic attacks before but never as bad as this - or maybe this one just seems worse because Freddie is there, bearing witness to Brian’s breakdown with wide, worried eyes.

Brian is shaking and spots are dancing in front of his eyes and his heart is racing in his chest and no matter how much he gasps he’s not getting enough air. He’s dizzy and disoriented and he feels like he’s going to die, he’s going to die in his shitty flat in front of one of his best friends because he’s a failure and a disappointment and can’t do anything right, not even something as simple as calming himself down because try as he might he can’t stop this. He can’t stop the waves of panic, he can’t stop gasping and choking on every breath, he can’t bring himself back under control now the dam has been broken.

And then Freddie is there, gently gripping Brian’s arms and leading him over to the couch and Brian collapses into, bringing Freddie down with him because at some point - he doesn’t remember how or when - he grabbed a fistful of Freddie’s shirt and he doesn’t know how to make himself let go now.

Freddie is talking to him in a low, soft voice but Brian can’t make out what he’s saying - or at least, his panic-struck brain doesn’t want to make sense of the words. He can feel Freddie’s chest rising and falling underneath his hand, though, and at first he just focuses on that to keep him grounded when it feels like he’s losing sense of his entire body. It’s only after what feels like a small eternity that he realizes that he’s unconsciously matched his breathing to Freddie’s, and that the tightness in his chest has started to disappear.

It takes longer for the dizziness to fade and the shaking to stop and for Brian’s breathing to even out completely. Freddie stops talking at some point but he doesn’t leave. He keeps rubbing gently along Brian’s arms, grounding him with his presence, until Brian thinks his voice has returned enough to try talking again.

“S-sorry,” he stammers, and there’s more he wants to say, more that he tries to say, but all that keeps coming out is, “Sorry. Sorry-”

“Hush, Brian, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for,” Freddie says firmly. He reaches towards Brian and gently swipes at his cheeks and - oh. Brian must have been crying. He didn’t notice that. “You should drink something. I’ll get you a glass of water,” Freddie says.

Brian nods. “Please,” he manages to say. It takes him a moment to realize that this means he has to let go of Freddie, and another moment to get his hand to cooperate enough that he can release Freddie’s shirt.

Freddie leaves the room, and returns with the promised glass of water what seems like only seconds later - though time seems to be moving strangely for Brian, and he has no idea how long Freddie was actually gone. He takes a small sip of the water, grateful for the way it soothes his throat and grateful for Freddie’s steady presence at his side, even if the cold voice in the back of his mind tells him that he should be ashamed at falling apart in front of his friend.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Freddie asks softly, after what Brian thinks is several minutes- but could be seconds or hours of silence between the friends, for all he knows.

Brian thinks about that for a moment before nodding. He does want to talk about it, but it’s a struggle to find the words - or any words at all, for that matter. All he knows is that he should start at the beginning but where does this mess even start? When Brian first realized he was burning out? With that conversation with his advisor? Or earlier than even that, when Brian stubbornly stuck with Smile - and later Queen - despite his father’s warnings to drop the band?

Does it go back further to his very childhood, to when he was a young child already torn between looking up at the stars and down at the guitar in his hands, already pressured to do more, be more, to make his father proud, but not yet knowing how herculean of a task that would be?

“My thesis,” Brian says at last, and Freddie gives him the space he needs to form the rest of that thought. “I have to gi- set aside my thesis.”

“You said that was a possibility earlier, yes. But…” Freddie cocks his head and studies Brian for a moment as he chooses his next words with care. “Well, darling, isn’t that a good thing? A sign that the band is going places? Isn’t that what we always wanted?”

“No,” Brian says immediately, but that’s wrong and he quickly backtracks, “Yes! I mean, it is, but I have to- have to make it official now. Tell people that I’m stopping. My advisor. My- my parents. My dad…”

Brian’s voice cracks a little on that last word and Freddie’s face softens in understanding. “Oh, Brian…”

Brian doesn’t talk much about his family, but he’s certainly vented to his friends about his father’s expectations for him once or twice before, enough that Freddie knows the implications of what Brian is saying - but now that Brian has found his voice again he finds that he can’t stop talking, can’t stop explaining even though he knows that it’s not necessary. “All he wanted was for me to make something of myself. To have a stable life, to be able to provide for a family, and now I’m- I’m throwing that all away! All his hard work, everything his sacrificed to give me this opportunity, and I’m just going to give it all up!”

“You don’t have to,” Freddie cuts in gently. “You can still finish your thesis, Brian. We’ll wait for you, as long as you need-”

“I can’t,” Brian interrupts, louder, faster, unable to stay calm or rational now that he’s started pouring out everything he’s been holding inside for so long now. “I can’t keep working on the thesis and holding down my job and playing with the band. It’s- it’s too much, and I’ve tried to make it work, god, I’ve tried so, so hard to make it all work but I can’t do it, I can’t-”

Freddie takes the glass of water away from Brian and then grabs his hands, and says, “Brian, darling, please, you need to calm down or you’ll get yourself worked up again. Just take a few breaths for me, can you do that?”

Brian tries, and the first inhale is shallow and a little too fast and he almost panics again. Freddie squeezes his hands and rubs his thumbs along the backs of them, and Brian tries a second breath and that one comes a little easier, and slowly Brian starts to calm down again.

Freddie doesn’t push him to keep talking but Brian wants to, needs to, and after a few moments, when he thinks he’s ready to try again, Brian says, “I’m- I’m tired, Fred. I need to take something off my plate and it can’t be the band, because that’s about the only thing-”

He cuts off before he can say the first words that come to mind: stopping me from killing myself. Because he would never - or at least, he doesn’t think he would ever - and he doesn’t need to add that to the worry that he knows Freddie is already feeling for him. “Queen is one of the few things that makes me happy, these days. It may be stupid, but I can’t give that up.”

“It’s not stupid, darling,” Freddie says without hesitating. “You have to hold tight to the things that bring you joy.”

“That’s not what my dad would say.”

Freddie bites his lip and, for a moment, Brian thinks he isn’t going to say anything at all. But Freddie has never been one to stay silent when his friends are hurting, and after a few seconds he carefully says, “I’ve never met your dad. I only know the things you’ve told us about him. But he helped you build your guitar, didn’t he? That has to count for something.”

“I don’t think it does,” Brian says. It’s the truth that he’s known for a while now, the source of every bickering argument they’ve had the last few times he’s gone home, but now that Brian has admitted it aloud he’s almost surprised by how much it hurts to really accept that.

“I think…” Freddie says slowly, “that even when our parents don’t understand our choices, they just want us to be happy. Maybe your dad thinks you can only find happiness with a proper job and a steady paycheck but that’s not true. And I think you know that that’s not true.”

Brian looks away from Freddie and down at his hands, which Freddie is still holding. “I wouldn’t be thinking of setting aside my thesis if I didn’t know that was true,” he mutters, and Freddie chuckles a little at that.

“Fair enough,” Freddie concedes. “But, Brian, darling… you can’t spend your entire life trying to please other people. At some point you have to start living for yourself, and if staying with Queen is what makes you happy then I think your dad will understand that, in time.”

Brian isn’t sure of that but he’s not particularly keen on having Freddie keep trying to convince him of this point tonight. He knows what inevitable end he’s quickly approaching, and he doesn’t want to spend more time considering what the fall out from setting aside his thesis will be.

“Yeah, I guess,” Brian mumbles instead, and before Freddie can try to force the issue Brian clears his throat and adds, “Well. I suppose we should get going to meet up with Roger, shouldn’t we?”

Freddie sighs, like he knows that Brian is trying to change the subject - though, granted, his attempt was rather blunt and hard to miss. “We don’t have to go out if you’re not feeling up to it, dear.”

Brian would be embarrassed about Freddie offering to cancel their plans like that, if he had enough energy to be anything except tired. He looks up and around at his apartment - at the mess and the grime and the evidence of the breakdown that started far before it peaked this afternoon - and after a moment he admits, “I don’t think I want to stay here right now.”

“Alright,” Freddie says easily. “We’ll go meet up with Roger then. You can spend the night at ours too, if you want.”

“Alright,” Brian echoes. He still feels tired but his chest doesn’t ache, and when Freddie pulls him to his feet he doesn’t feel as dizzy as he was expecting. He takes one last look at the disaster covering every inch of his living space, at the piles of work and obligations that he should be taking care of - and then he walks outside with Freddie, and leaves it all behind.

Fifteen months later...

“...so we’re thinking of making a bit of a medley out of the three songs. It sounds quite lovely so far, but I think you need to give it a listen before we really commit to this plan. I’ll see about bringing a tape in and… Brian?”

“Hm? Sorry, sorry…” Brian shakes his head and brings his attention back to Freddie, who’s sitting in the chair next to Brian’s hospital bed. Roger and John had stopped by in the morning before going into the studio to work out some rhythm section but Freddie was the only one keeping Brian company now, even though he probably has better things to be doing.

Stop that, he tells himself as soon as he thinks that thought. Freddie, Roger, and John have all reassured him time and time again that they aren’t replacing him in the band, and Brian has to believe that - if only because he doesn’t want to know what the stress of worrying about that will do to his invalid body.

“Nothing to apologize for, darling,” Freddie assures him. “Are you tired? I can leave if you want…”

“No! No, please stay,” Brian tells him. “God knows I don’t have any visitors except you three.”

Freddie’s easy smile fades slightly, and Brian already knows what he’s going to say a split-second before Freddie asks, “Have you heard from…?”

“My mum called and we talked for awhile, yeah.”

“And your dad?”

Brian gives a half-hearted shrug and looks down at his hands. His nails are bitten short and his cuticles are in tatters, and he thinks about asking Freddie to bring white nail polish with him next time as he says, “No. But my mum’s probably filled him in and it’s not like either of them have the time to come down, especially now that I’m on the mend.”

They didn’t come down to London during his bout of hepatitis either, but Brian wasn’t allowed visitors in the hospital then and afterwards he dove straight back into recording. And, maybe, they could have come down when he went into surgery for the ulcer but it had all happened so quickly that by the time someone had thought to contact them he was already out of the operating room and arguably through the worst of it.

There’s a lot of maybe’s in Brian’s relationship with his parents these days, but there’s one thing that he knows for sure: His father still has no interest in speaking to him.

And Brian doesn’t have much interest in reaching out to his father either.

“Do you think he’ll come around soon?” Freddie asks softly.

Brian looks up at him again, somewhat surprised by the question. He had expected the singer to lash out about Brian’s father or else launch into some reassurance that this will blow over soon enough, like he had every time this had come up in the past. Instead he seems thoughtful, almost withdrawn, in a way that sets off alarm bells in the back of Brian’s mind.

“No,” Brian says. It’s the truth, but one that he wishes he didn’t have to confess to his friend.

Freddie spent most of the previous summer reassuring Brian over and over again that his father would eventually understand. He helped Brian carve out some free time in his schedule again and helped him through the moments when Brian’s stress and fear still overwhelmed him anyway… but part of Brian always knew that this is where his relationship with his father would end up. It was inevitable, no matter how much he may have hoped otherwise - and no matter what Freddie clearly believed at the time.

Freddie nods like he was expecting that answer. Brian wonders if Freddie is also thinking of those conversations that they had last summer, and all the reassurances he had given Brian that ended up being empty platitudes, and he has his answer when Freddie says, “I feel like I should be apologizing to you, even though I know that’s ridiculous.”

“It is ridiculous,” Brian agrees. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Fred.”

“I know that, darling,” Freddie says quickly. “And I’m not really sorry anyway, because I’m glad that you chose to stick with Queen and I’ve meant it every time I’ve told you that we need you in the band - that we want you with us, no matter what happens. Maybe that makes me selfish, I don’t really know.”

He gives a dismissive wave of his hand and Brian smiles at the gesture, despite the seriousness of the conversation. “If it’s selfish, it’s a good sort of selfishness I think,” Brian tells him.

“If you say so,” Freddie says, but he doesn’t quite sound convinced.

Brian sighs and tries to sit up a bit more so he can have this conversation properly - but he moves too quickly and puts too much stress on his still-healing surgical scar. He groans and collapses back against his pillows and Freddie immediately jumps to his feet in alarm.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Brian assures him, though his scar still aches with residual pain. “Just moved a bit wrong, that’s all.”

“No, you’re not!” Freddie snaps, and the sudden anger catches Brian by surprise. “You’re in the hospital for the second time this year, for god’s sake! You got sick on tour, you’ve now had surgery because the stress of Queen made everything worse and your family isn’t here with you and-”

Freddie collapses back down on the chair, burying his face in his hands, and his next words come out softer and slightly muffled. “I spent all of last summer reassuring you that things would work out fine once the band got off the ground and they haven’t been fine. Not for you, at least.”

The guilt in Freddie’s voice is a shock to hear and Brian’s instinct is to respond with the first words of comfort that come to mind, no matter what they might be - but after everything Freddie has done for him over the last few months, he deserves better than that. Brian takes a moment to really consider what he needs Freddie to hear, before he finally says, “I always knew I’d end up here, though.”

Freddie looks up at Brian in confusion and disbelief. “You knew you’d end up in the hospital?” he asks skeptically.

Brian laughs and does his best to hide his wince when his scar throbs with pain again. “Well, no, that part was a bit of a surprise,” he admits. “But the doctors said that the ulcer was a ticking time bomb, so that at least was always going to be a problem even if I didn’t know about it before. But nothing that happened with my dad was much of a surprise.”

“Why didn’t you say something, then?” Freddie asks.

“Because I didn’t want to think about it,” Brian says. “If I thought about it too much I’d let it influence my decisions, and you were right when you said that I needed to do what made me the most happy. And Queen makes me happy. You and Roger and John, you all make me happy - more than fighting for recognition in academia ever would have.”

“But your dad-”

“Doesn’t have to live my life,” Brian interrupts. “Freddie, I’m not going to lie to you. I still want his approval, of course I do. But I’m done sacrificing my dreams for him. And if that means that we aren’t speaking for a little while…” Brian shrugs, and swallows down a lump in his throat. “Then that’s how it has to be, I suppose.”

There’s a beat of silence from Freddie before he admits, “I wish, for your sake, that it didn’t have to be like that, though.”

“I mean, I wish that too,” Brian says with a careful huff of laughter. “But it’s not your responsibility to make things perfect for me. Whether my dad comes around or not, well, that’s his choice. And Queen is mine.”

Freddie smiles a little crookedly at Brian, and Brian is relieved to see that the misplaced guilt is gone from his eyes. “You know, you really are amazing, Brian May.”

Brian shakes his head. “I’m really not. I’m just…”

He’s in pain, and he’s afraid that he’ll never get better and he’ll always be sick and in pain. He’s worried for the future of Queen with their tour plans for September cancelled and he feels guilty that he can’t help with the new album like he should. He’s angry at his dad, and scared that he’ll always be angry, and scared that his dad will never accept Brian’s choices no matter what he does. And he’s stressed, about his health and his dad and the band, until it feels almost as overwhelming as it did a year ago and he almost feels that panic starting to building in his chest again.

He’s not amazing. He’s just human, fragile and flawed and moving forward despite it all anyway.

“I’m just trying my best,” Brian says at last.

Freddie’s grin brightens, just a little bit, as he says, “Aren’t we all, darling?”

They all are, that’s certainly true - but it’s a truth that Brian couldn’t see a year ago, when his best didn’t feel like nearly enough, when his anxiety and stress and shame only let him see his perceived failures and not the achievements he managed to gain. It’s a truth that he’s only been able to see with the clarity that comes from rejection and loss, from losing a dad but gaining a family in Queen - and it’s a truth that only strengthens Brian’s convictions that, despite everything, he has made the right choices in his life.

“Yeah,” Brian agrees softly. “I suppose we are.”

#queen fic #queen band fic #brian may fic #brian may fanfic #queen band fanfic #queen fanfic #my fic #(this got posted to AO3 on... Monday I think?)#(but I've been overwhelming yall with fic so I wanted to wait a few days before posting it here)#anyway the next one should be the Maycury AU bc that got the most votes and I've already started writing it #but I make no promises on when it'll actually be finished...

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otomebois-bb · 4 years

Text

Kiro Month, Day 20: Soulmate AU

Title: I Promise

Pairing: Kiro & MC (Emci)

Notes: The long-awaited (for me anyway) Soulmate AU day is finally upon us! Due to my current circumstances, I wrote this many days in advance. I feel bad for not being able to participate in my own event too much, but I told myself I'd definitely do this one no matter what, so I did!

Before you begin, a few things you need to know:

1. Despite the Soulmate AU title, this is a bit of an angst! Nothing too bad, but proceed with caution.

2. There are slight spoilers from Kiro's backstory with the MC (I think from chapter 10? I really don't remember tbh).

3. I mashed together 3 different Soulmate AUs into this! They are:

Your soulmate leaves colored footprints only visible to you (for this, I added a little twist where the color changes each day.)

Your soulmate's first name on your wrist.

Meter of how in danger your soulmate is, below their name on your arm.

With that said, I hope you enjoy!!

Tagging: @producer-miss-chips for the banner ^^

Kiro's POV:

I stared out the car window, lost in thought while Savin, who sat next to me, ratted off the day's schedule for the third time today. I sat up straighter when I caught sight of the neon pink footsteps on the sidewalk, leading up to a tall building.

So she works inside the LFG building, huh...

I rolled up my left sleeve and stared at the engraved name on my wrist: Emci. I slipped it up a little higher to reveal the semi-circle meter below it, going from green, to yellow, to red from left to right. Currently it was all the way in the green.

I learned the hard way a long time ago what that meter was for, and ever since then, I always prayed to never see it go that far into the red again...

"Kiro!"

Savin's yelling snapped me back to reality, and I quickly hid my arm underneath my sleeve once more. "Sorry, Savin. What did you say?"

He opened his mouth, only to shut it again. His expression conveyed annoyance through his furrowed eyebrows and the deep scowl etched onto his face. Finally, he spat, "You realize your monthly schedule right now is too busy to fit in chasing down your soulmate, right?"

My heart sank, and my shoulders sagged. "Yeah... I know." I had asked him about it not too long ago, and his simple response had been showing me this month's calendar and telling me to find some free time on it. Of course, there wasn't any, unless I was willing to sacrifice sleep for it — but with the way things were, I couldn't even afford to do that.

"Then let go of that fantasy. If you're that desperate, why don't you look her up on social media? Everyone has a Moments account."

I scoffed. "I only know her first name. Without her last name, it'll take forever to find her."

"Well, guess you'll have to wait until your schedule clears up," he said, typing something on his phone.

"Yeah, with you as my agent, that'll never happen," I muttered.

"Without me as your agent, you wouldn't be where you are today. Be thankful," he shot back.

I wanted to retort that I'd have been just as well off without his help, but seeing as it was difficult to go from nothing to something without a good agent, I bit my tongue instead.

I sighed, resuming my blank stare out the window as the car kept going, the LFG building long behind us.

~~~~~~~~

Four days after my argument with Savin, I managed to sneak out of an interview I really wasn't interested in, wearing a black hat and a dark gray hoodie for good measure.

As I mingled with the crowd, I caught a glimpse of a few seemingly painted footsteps on the sidewalk across the street. I smiled, and muttered to myself, "So, your footsteps are light blue today, huh?"

I headed for the crosswalk, fully intending on following her footsteps in hopes we'd be reunited today. As I began to cross the street, I decided, just out of curiosity, to check the meter on my arm; though I was sure it would still be in the green section.

I stopped dead in my tracks halfway across when I saw it, though.

The little arrow was in the yellow, slowly moving closer and closer to the red area.

My mind suddenly flashed back to several years ago: her screams echoing through the thin walls, while I was strapped to a cot, powerless to do anything while the meter stayed as far into the red as it could go — not to mention the countless experiments I was forced to endure as well...

When we were finally rescued from that hell hole, we were separated. "I promise I'll find you again! I'll protect you, I promise!" I cried as the police officers gently tugged me away.

No. I won't let that happen again.

I ran the rest of the way, shoving people out of my way once I was on the sidewalk, and they protested at my actions — but I couldn't care less if I was being rude. At that moment, the only thing that mattered to me was following those footsteps and fulfilling my promise.

The footsteps led me down an alleyway and through a rusty door. The room I stepped into was pitch-black, but the pale blue footsteps glowed, allowing me to continue following them without needing a light.

Heading down a set of stairs, I gasped when I reached the basement floor, which was dimly lit by a few spread out light bulbs. The footsteps on the floor here were splattered together, then drastically spaced — indicating a struggle had occurred before she was dragged off to the next room.

The meter on my arm now rested in the center of the red section.

I quickened my pace as much as I could without making too much noise. My hand reached out for the door knob in front of me, when...

"Nooooo!!"

A female's voice shrieked from a distance behind the door, and my blood ran cold. It took every ounce of will power to refrain from panicking and recklessly rushing in there, especially after glancing at my arm just in time to notice the arrow spike up as far into the red as it could go.

I managed to keep calm enough to enter the room, where the only light was coming from the far end of the room, behind a white curtain. I could see the shadows of two figures standing by what looked like a table, and another person writhing around wildly, seeming to be strapped to the table. Since the increased amount of panicked, struggling footsteps led all the way behind the curtain, my only guess could be that the person on the table was my one and only soulmate.

My hands balled into fists.

I won't let it happen again.

I quickly searched my surroundings for anything that could be used as a weapon or as a distraction, finding a hammer and a knife among a table of various tools and a fire hydrant behind a counter closer to the curtain. Clinging to the wall to stay shrouded in the dark, I slowly made my way to the fire hydrant.

"Please, stop," the girl begged, her weakened voice fueling me to move a little faster.

"Aww, doll, don't worry. It'll be a quick pinch, you won't even feel it!" A man cackled, and I could see one of the figures holding a syringe, moving it closer to the person on the table.

"No, please!"

Clank!

I finally reached the fire hydrant and tipped it over, causing it to lang loudly as it hit the stone floor and echoed.

The man with the syringe paused and pointed at his helper to investigate the sound as he continued what he was doing. I got into position as the other person, another man, emerged from behind the curtain. When he passed me, almost completely oblivious, I swiped my leg out and knocked him down just as the screaming began. Before the man could recover from his fall, I swung my hammer at his head, and he stopped moving. I couldn't care less whether I killed him or rendered him unconscious as I searched his motionless body and grabbed a gun.

I stood and aimed the gun carefully at the man's syringe hand, pulling the trigger when he removed the syringe and no longer had his hand near the girl, since I didn't want to risk accidentally hitting her. The man, startled and in pain, stumbled away from the table, clutching his bleeding hand. "W-who's there?!"

I pulled my hood up to hide my hair before stepping into view, aiming my gun at him. "That was a warning shot. If you value your life and know what's good for you, I suggest you leave before I decide to use you for target practice."

"Why you—!"

He lunged for me, and I didn't hesitate in pulling the trigger again, and he fell at my feet. "I warned you," I muttered bitterly.

I traded the gun for the knife in my pocket, discarding it on the floor and facing the table. The Emci I saw laying there, struggling to stay conscious, looked mostly the same as I'd remembered her — only more mature and grown up, and, if possible, more beautiful. Her sleeves had been rolled up, and she had a small dot of blood and what looked like a yellowish substance on one arm, and on her other arm — her left, like mine — I could see her meter going down from red to yellow, and above it, I could make out my name engraved in cursive on her wrist: Kiro.

Using the knife, I cut her bindings and lifted her limp body in my arms. Carrying her while I followed the exit signs, she softly mumbled, "You came back..."

"I promised I'd find you again, and I promise you, I will never leave your side ever again."

~~~~~~~~

The moment I rushed into the hospital, someone said, "Oh my God, is that Kiro?!"

"Yes, it's me, Kiro," I said, a bit irritated that that was the first thing they pointed out. "Now, can I please get some help over here?! My soulmate's life is on the line!"

Immediately, a few nurses hurried over, one calling for a doctor, and soon after, I was following as they led Emci to a room on an elevated stretcher. Before I could get through the door, a nurse stopped me, holding her hand up. "I understand she's your soulmate, but please wait in the lobby. The doctor can't be distracted while trying to treat her."

I sighed. "Fine, but what should I do in the meantime?"

"I'm sure your agent would like to know where you're at," she said before leaving to catch up with the others.

I dialed Savin's number, and he immediately picked up. "Kiro, where are you?!"

"I'm at the hospital," I said, walking outside.

"The hospital?!" Shuffling could be heard on the other end. "Are you okay?"

"Yes. I found my soulmate."

Savin paused before groaning, "Seriously, Kiro? This was an important interview, I can't believe you—!"

"If I had listened to you, Emci would've been more hurt than she is now, or worse!" I cut him off, and he fell silent. "Look, I'll see you later and apologize. Just wanted to update you. Goodbye."

Hanging up, I walked back into the hospital just in time for the nurse from before to spot me as she entered the lobby. "Good news, Kiro, she's going to be okay." I let out a breath of relief I didn't know I'd been holding as she continued, "The doctor just needs to flush the chemicals out of her system. He wants to hold her here overnight to monitor her for a bit, just in case, but you're very lucky you brought her here when you did." She smiled. "Anyway, I'll come back in an hour to give you another update. Hopefully I can bring you back to see her by then, too."

I nodded, taking a seat and anxiously waiting for an hour to pass.

~~~~~~~~

Two hours later, Emci finally woke up.

"Kiro?" she asked, her voice shaking me awake as I was about to doze off. "Is it really you?"

I gently reached out for her hand. "Yes, it's me. I'm really here." I squeezed her hand, and she smiled.

"I was beginning to wonder what was taking you so long," she admitted, giggling — the melodic sound like music to my ears. "If you weren't such a popular public figure, I would've lost hope."

I chuckled "I know. I'm sorry, I got busy."

"Don't apologize." Her thumb softly caressed the back of my hand. "I'm just glad you're here now."

"I have so much I want to tell you," I said.

"Me too," she agreed, "but now is a bad time."

"Can I at least say one thing?"

"Of course." Her smile was like a ray of sunshine, brightening my mood instantly.

I leaned over and kissed her cheek. "I love you, Emci."

She giggled. "I know." Upon seeing my dejected pout, she laughed and added, "I love you too, Kiro."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

END.

#kiromonth #mlqc #mr love: queen's choice kiro #love and producer #mr love: queen's choice #mr love queen's choice #mlqc fanfic #mlqc fanfiction #mr love queen's choice kiro #mlqc kiro #otomebois-bb #otomebois-bb's writing

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yeololololol · 5 years

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First Comes Baby? Second Comes Love? Ch III

Finally updated! Hope you guys like it!

Your POV

In all honestly, when I first moved into that apartment complex,I knew it was way more than I can afford, but it’s the most convenient especially for work. Being a new nurse in the hospital, I’m always in the call and sometimes night shift, and it’s too dangerous to go home with 45 minutes commute. With being the only one in the family that lives in Seoul and few people to depend on, I had to help myself the most.

Until that one day when someone unexpectedly knock on my door, despite looking like rag from unpacking all my stuff and Exo’s recent album blasting in your speaker, I opened the door and shocked that it was Chanyeol’s older sister - Park Yoora with a basket of fruits in her hands.

“Umm, hi?” I said nervously, while having so many questions in your head.

Why is she here? Is Chanyeol here? Am I being pranked right now?

I felt like I was about to faint, until she introduced her self as my next door neighbor.

Ever since, I got a lot closer to Yoora and somehow gained each other’s trusted. She later on found out how much of a fan I am of her brother, and shockingly she didn’t find it weird or creepy since I clearly told her I’m not some sasaeng. I just genuinely love Park Chanyeol as an artist and performer. And though she tried many times for me to meet him, it never really worked out for my schedule and his schedule. How I wish though.

But it’s okay! I didn’t want Yoora to feel that I befriend her for that reason. She is genuinely an amazing person and so humble, and intelligent. I just enjoyed talking to her about life and she’s the unnie you can just advice for almost everything. I like how carried herself, so sophisticated yet fun to be around.

Even when she gave birth to her baby, I was one of the few people who visited her first since she did give birth at the hospital I worked at. Whenever Yoora and her husband gets too busy for work, I would offer despite working the full hours shift. And as months go by, I somehow also gained a relationship with baby Yuri.

Bringing me to my current situation......

“I think we should create a schedule of the week, so we know who is taking care of Yuri when. Don’t you think so?” Chanyeol suggested.

“Ahhhh yea we could do that, but I’m ahh a nurse.”

“I don’t see the problem.” He said with a slight attitude, making me question myself why he was my bias. “If anything that’s a perfect reason why YOU should be the one who takes care of her.”

“Okay hold up. I sometimes work 10-12 hours a day, and I can’t take care of the baby every time. I know how busy idols schedules are, so don’t expect me to be taking care of Yuri all the time. I love her, but I also have to pay off many things.” I rambled while bouncing Yuri on my knees, since she woke up after her uncle started raising his beautiful yet LOUD voice. Giving her a few kisses on her cheeks, then looked back at Chanyeol

He had this look on his face that is unreadable, and elf ears are more flexed for a lack of better words. But the stress and annoyance is very visible on his face. Maybe he’s tired? They’re preparing for their comeback anyways? Though he looks so scary, there’s part of me still finding him cute.

“Okay, then what?”

“Why can’t you take her with you? Then I’ll get her whenever I’m off? You could have your managers watch over her when you do your thing? See all works out.”

He suddenly pushed back his hair out of frustration, and though I’m suppose to act as if I’m not a big fan, I couldn’t help myself but admire his beautiful face. This is legit my teenage dream coming true.

Though I seriously feel so wrong for lying, but I fear that he might think I’m a sasaeng when he find out. But the last thing I want to do right now is let down Yoora after all her help, the least I could do is take care of baby Yuri for the meantime.

“Okay, let’s discuss more in this tomorrow morning.”

“Fine by me.” Slowly getting up and moving Yuri to her room, and laying her down to her crib. Then walking out to see Chanyeol also getting up and heading towards the door.

“Wait a minute. Hold on, wait.”

“What now?” Man, I can see how tired he is and the Fangirl instinct of mine slowly wanted to protect him.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going back to my dorm, didn’t you say you live next door ? Then watch over her tonight, I’ll come back tomorrow with my stuff.” He replied back.

Getting up from the sofa with little baby Yuri in my hands, walked over to him and stopped right in front of him. And I swear I pictured this happening for billion of times in my dreams, but didn’t expect this to happen this way- in this situation. I swear he looks 10000000x better than I expected.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then, come before 10 AM please.” After sharing our shares in goodbyes, I locked the door and went to sofa to lie down with Baby Yuri on top of me. We slowly both drifted to sleep.

——

Chanyeol’s POV

Dance practice. Recording. Now I have to take care of baby, with a stranger who my sister claims she trust. With all these running in my head, I feel more lost and stressed.

Though I love my niece, I don’t have time to take care of her. I just wanted to rush out of that situation as fast as I can, to the point where my idiot self forgot my phone back up in my sisters apartment.

Going back for it and was shocked when I unlocked the door and I saw Y/N laying on the couch with Yuri on her chest, cuddling.

And there I suddenly felt this foreign clenched in my heart and stomach (which is very odd).

After grabbing my phone from the counter, I went into the room and grabbed the blanket and lay it on top of them, locked the door. Just praying my older sister comes soon.

———

Now we have to wait for another week or so 🙏🏻

#chanyeol fanfic #chanyeol fluff #exo imagine #exo k #baekhyun #chanyeol #chanyeol masterlist #exo #exo fanfiction #exo chanyeol

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pdjen · 5 years

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first week of fieldwork

fieldwork started this past week! we’ve been serving at excel academy in the mornings and doing various campus outreach, teambuilding, and fellowship events in the evenings. some thoughts i’ve had, events that have happened, lessons i’ve learned in the meantime

1. excel academy (what is it?)

excel academy is essentially a combination of vacation bible school (VBS) and an english summer camp program. the students are mainly immigrant children from korea and japan or the children of immigrants from korea or japan. our CSMP team puts on a daily puppet show meant to be a fun way for the students to engage with Bible stories, children’s worship time, snack time, arts and crafts, and game times. we also help out with the times of english lessons/classroom activities, although these are mainly managed by other teachers and volunteers. excel is currently the main focus or our ministry here in ann arbor (or at least what we spend the most time on), between our time actually at excel and the various times we spend in the afternoons and the evenings preparing for what we’re going to do the next day.

2. tiredness

for those who don’t know, the typical rough schedule for a day looks like: (530am) shower, (620am) walk to tcenter for morning prayer, (630am) morning prayer, (700am) morning devos, (725am) breakfast, (745am) travel to excel academy, (800am) prepare for excel activities for the day, (830am) excel starts for the day, (1230pm) excel finishes, debrief for the day, (200pm) cook/eat lunch, (300pm) ministry prep for excel the next day, (500pm) cook/eat dinner, (700pm) outreach or lifegroup or prayer night, etc., (900pm) more ministry prep, (1200am) sleep. i’ve been struggling a lot to just stay awake and feel present for everything, and our team has been napping every chance we get (and some of the times we probably shouldn’t be).

3. lsat

i got my lsat score back this week. i did decently well/okay, but i can’t say i wasn’t disappointed by how i did. even one or two points higher (e.g. one or two more questions right on the ~120 question test) and i probably could’ve been happy with the score but, unfortunately, as of right now my plan is to take the test again late september. i’m trying to focus on not getting dragged down with wishful thinking about what could’ve happened in the past or thinking about how long and tedious the study process will be. currently just trying not to think about it at all so that i can focus on CSMP and being present where i’m at right now

4. conflict

our team is currently struggling through a lot of different conflicts right now, especially with learning what it looks like to love and support each other in a meaningful way. (4a. ann arbor/austin) when our teams merged, there was also a merging of the cultures of our teams, and the end result ended up being much more like our original ann arbor culture in terms of being more loud and goofy rather than the austin culture of being more quiet and serious. along with the fact that our team of 20 is around 15 ann arbor people vs. 5 austin people, and some extenuating personal circumstances for many members of the austin as well as ann arbor teams, as members of the ann arbor team, there has been some struggle for some austin members to acclimate as well as struggle on our end to best learn how to best support specific members of the austin team. (4b. guy/girl) not to get too much into this, but overall there has been a definite dynamics issue between the guys and the girls on the team, with the guys being very loud and obnoxious at times, and the girls being a bit mean at times. i think in terms of the guys were trying to learn how to love even when it’s difficult and what it looks like to be patient and encouraging in all things, and you can ask the girls how they’re doing lol

5. directionless

i think it’s difficult to get a grasp on where i should be going in life or where i feel like i’m being called as i look forward to the post-CSMP future. at times it’s felt like God wants me to be really present here in ann arbor to stay and love on people in the church, at times those outside of the church, at times it’s felt like God wants me to leave, at times that God wants me to go home, at times to go to a new place, at times to pursue career callings, at times to pursue ministry, etc. not really sure where i should be going or what i should be pursuing and a lot of times right now it feels like nothing is really working super well or as intended in life and so i just feel generally unsure

6. lots of other things but in the interest of actually sending out an update each week and finishing this, i’ll call it here

prayer requests (with some verses to pray through):

1. loving team members even when it’s hard, especially when it’s hard (1 corinthians 13, matthew 5:44-48, romans 5:6-8, 1 john 4:7-12)

2. greater team unity (ephesians 4:1-16)

please send me your prayer requests too! until next time

#csmp

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wabi-sabiphilosophy · 5 years

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A life of distinction

I’ve been bed-ridden for almost 3 days now and I’ve spent most my time sleeping. First a torn cornea and now a burning body. I’m not sure if this is God’s way of preparing me for what’s ahead or another lesson to learn from. Either ways I’ve been stuck resting in bed for God knows when I’ll be in better days. You have to come through for me, God of the dramatic healing. But in the meantime I’ll learn from my flesh what my soul really needs.

Every time I’m about to enter a different season, I am bursting with excitement and energy. I’d always imagine myself bursting through the doors with a ringing voice, wishing everyone a ‘very good morning’ and brightening the atmosphere immediately. Often times, the reality of life instead is like a dusty heavy door shutting on the fresh breath of air, sealing all dreams and aspiration to its death. The real measure of your worth becomes the quantifiable quality of your life or work or grades. It’s like the only change you could really bring to life is if you had a big A* across your life. But life just isn’t fair or perfect all the time, bad things happen to good people.

So I’ve been learning that the only big A* I really need in my life is the Approval of God.

For too long, I’ve let myself believe that I’ve never been smart enough to achieve anything my parents or country could be proud of. I’ve been surrounded by parents with breakthrough stories of how their kids are doing well in school. Gradually they get their scholarships in university and ultimately the perfect career, cashing out on their big paycheques for a beautiful home while clinching the perfect partner to ride into the sunset on their golden horse. Or a modern day equivalent, a Ferrari. I’ve been surrounded by their kids who repeat their sunset stories too, enough for me to believe I must have gone wrong somewhere with my love for painting flowers, writing my thoughts and reading simple books. One of the comments on my report card read, ‘talks too much in class’. LOL.

With that in mind, I became a striver. I worked extra hard, mentally, to be someone I was not. I wanted to appear aggressive and smart so that people would take me seriously for once. For awhile, I put aside all my whimsical dreams of opening an art space, or writing or even allowing myself to feel. I was a tough nut, did my work and left when it was time. I talked ‘just enough’. When I first started work, I felt like an efficient robot. I did know a lot of things, I became knowledgable and full of information. I appeared cool and confident even though I wasn’t inside. Before long, my soul was sapped dry. This wasn’t who I am, I became so tired of being this person I felt ‘I should be’ and lost my identity. I didn’t know what I liked or loved or things I wasn’t compelled to anymore. My antidote to not feeling or failing became to do a bunch more things to gain my sense of self again.

Eventually, only now, after a series of life’s breakdown, am I learning that my achievements and identity in the world doesn’t matter one bit. I have learnt that I am such a people pleaser and lover of busy-ness, that the lack of these things would lead me to confronting my deeper insecurities which I feared. The thing is, God delights in the way He created me- that includes how much of a people pleaser I am and how capable I am of managing a busy schedule. They each have its own merits in serving the kingdom of God. But I have built it upon shaky foundations, built in the world for the world. Such foundations will collapse one day because nothing on Earth lasts. I am called to use resources from my heavenly home to build a kingdom that leaves a legacy for God, not myself. And in God, my fears are lost to a love so pure that He would banish them to hell. Just for me. The lover of my soul is dramatic in His chase for me, His bride.

And here begins the journey of denying myself to pursue Jesus (Matthew 16:24). I thought it was so important to be the version of me the world desired me to be so that I could be deemed successful. I thought I’d be happy and complete as a person should that happen. But I am truly incomplete without God- not with the things I need to do, places to be and people to please. My soul thirsts for a water the world cannot give, even affirmations from men will not do. If God of the dramatic waves and storms, would still His heart for me to go to Him, then in Him, shall I be found.

In my new season, I seek not to be but a burst of energy. I pray I would be a steady sustainable source of blessings to those around me. That in moments of brokenness, God will come through each time for me and through me. Like in Romans 12:12, I pray for joy in hope, patience in affliction and persistence in prayer in this season, the next and even in between.

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lovinthepizzalife · 6 years

Text

Good

Okay, so. I mentioned that I was doing a thing like...yesterday? Time means nothing to me rn, so. Anyway! It was inspired by @corvidprompts, I believe it was Unname who did it? Anywho, this is...over 1k words of utter Shit, but it’s the first thing I’ve written in almost a week so enjoy? Idk

"Tell me what to do," Barnes says desperately, dropping to his knees. "Give me a quest, or an order, just - give me something, please, anything, let me prove my loyalty, let me show you how good I can be, please." Tony keeps staring down at him, wide eyed. Barnes looks a lot like he's kneeling at the chopping block, like the shoe's about to drop and cut him open to bleed. He looks a lot like some others things, too, like a dying man, someone stripped clean of the old things, the things that kept them whole. Is Tony supposed to crouch down and level the playing field? He's never had someone ask him for redemption. People are usually asking him to redeem himself.

He crouches down anyway, staring at the bow of Barnes head.

"If you're praying, then that's a bad idea. Don't really recommend it."

Besides, Tony adds mentally, you've probably already lost all your faith. This situation feels a little hysterical. Bucky isn't supposed to kneel or bow, but that's Bucky, and what's breaking apart in front of Tony sure isn't a hero, not right now. A prisoner of war, sure, and a monster to the parts of the world that know the name Soldat, but to Tony, right in the moment, Bucky isn't real and Barnes is too busy breaking to try and pretend everything is as fine as Captain Cool tries to make it seem.

Captain America's been trying to make a lot of things seem like other things. It might be getting on Tony's nerves, just a little, but over seventy hours of Siberia can do that to a man. If Tony is still a man, after that. Exstremis not included, Howard had his fun. The Battle of New York wasn't Tony's first time with the Tessaract, and that's all he'll let himself think about.

"Hey, Doll Eyes, gimme that stare." Barnes - is he even Barnes right now? - shudders with something soul deep then goes still, silent. Great. Screaming and thrashing, Tony can mostly handle. The silence? That shit's an issue that's too deep to handle, and Tony is too bad at dealing with himself to soften his hands enough to make Barnes feel safe. Or centred, really. He's too adrift, too far, shoulders bowed and breaking, mouth held shut, a hand against his mouth. Abruptly, Tony remembers the muzzle.

A little too early, or maybe it's too late, Tony laughs and rocks back, sitting on his ass. So he's in it for the long haul, now. So he's not hitting the road, now.

So he's less than two feet from a bomb, now. Not much different from himself, then. The Arc Reactor's always been a second away from self destruction. Is that a metaphor? Maybe. Tony's always loved metaphors.

"So. You gonna talk, or you going to keep wallowing?"

As a businessmen, he was supposed to have tact, and he did. He does. By god does he fucking have it, when he needs it so often so much so ugly, and he can play tactful with the best of them - but this is Barnes, or not-Barnes, or not-not-Barnes. And Barnes, like the rest of them, knows he has tact. But also, like the rest of them, because someone had to spread the idea, didn't they, they just had to, Barnes also knows that Tony only has tact when he wants to. Right now, when he's been stripped of a warning, stripped of a heads up, stripped of a something everything nothing, maybe - he does not want to have fucking tact.

God, he misses a lot of unnamed things, but if he names them, they'll be all he can ever pray for, and he isn't allowed to pray.

"What's with the 'Dolls Eyes' shit?" So Barnes is at least a little coherent, even if his voice is shaking with something like the things Tony doesn't want to name. Names have power, whether you believe it or not, and naming an issue gives it the power to get better or worse, and that's a chance Tony isn't taking. "You've called me that twice. Something you wanna talk about, Stark?"

"Do you?" Tony asks instead. He doesn't want to talk about anything. Maybe Barnes does, with a therapist and some friends, but Tony is neither and he isn't sure he wants to be. Friends, that is. That's a could be. A what if. Therapist? Tony needs therapy, needs lots of it, and so does Barnes. So does the entire team, really, and Falcon is the only therapist.

Fucking hell, they're healthy.

"I'm good," Barnes rasps, lifting his head. Bloodshot eyes, dark circles, not any worse than he usually looks. Tony gets to his feet and helps Barnes up, shepherding him towards the nearest couch with a small sigh. So this is definitely happening. Okay. Tony can handle that. He handled Barnes showing up and kneeling at his feet like a man begging Death to be a little merciful. Tony still has no idea what that's about. Isn't sure he even wants to know, as much as the reason must be oh so exciting.

"You aren't gonna ask?" Barnes asks, because he doesn't have tact either. No one has tact, unless they want to, and neither of them have wanted it since forever. Since the world stripped their will to say sorry for being screwed up. It's a little more literal for them, machines keeping them stable, an arm and a heart, and wow. Tony is accepting this. Barnes is accepting this.

Tony pulls him onto the couch and drags a blanket over him, huffing. Barnes shuffles a little, tucking his head under Tony's chin, too tired to care. Tony is too, if he's honest. He's tired and so is Barnes, in ways that go past sleeping too little too late too scared. They can't sleep, probably, but they can try, and keep trying, and that'll bleed over until they're bleeding something that's worth the blood shed. They aren't worthy yet, are a long while away from it, but the small steps can get them far, and that's what matters. That's what fucking matters.

"No, I'm not gonna ask," Tony mutters finally, and tucks himself a little tighter around Barnes. He lets his breathing slow, feels Barnes go lax, and lets it rest. Lets himself rest. He's too tired to be angry. He's too tired for a lot of things, but he can be kind. He can be consoling. He can be good, this once, and if Barnes is better for it, then that's a bonus. Tony's happy to be something that isn't scorned.

FRIDAY lets the lights dim and Tony smiles, letting his eyes close. He can sleep, now.

He can try and be good, now.

---

@dumes-blender you better not see this until you wake up, but when you do wake up pls enjoy my bullshit and thanks for tolerating my shit ily

ALSO: Chap 4 of NTASG should be at least started by today, so expect it in cinemas now on Wednesday. Again, I’m sorry it’s gonna be so late, and again, it’ll probably take me a while to get my schedule back, but it’ll happen, so in the meantime, enjoy this!

#i've never been so unsatisfied with an ending in my entire life #what the fuck #i hate it so damn much #but it needs to end dammit #so #enjoy? i guess lmao #it's shit but it happened so #(if someone notices me venting during this then pls don't)#(I'll keep my feeling close to my chest and then one day I'll die)

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tokyobts-blog · 6 years

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sweet like candy

(gif not mine cr to the owner)

paring: kai x reader

genre: fluff, idol!au

word count: 2076

summary: you and jongin are both idols and in a secret relationship. after an award show you spend a cozy night at the hotel with him. jongin tells you he wants to stay with you and finally shares how he fell in love with you.

The car almost reached the hotel. You fell asleep in the meantime because the ride took so long. “Y/N you seriously have no patience” Jongin complained.

“Hey I heard that” you murmuringly answered. “Oh babe you’re awake?” he asked while he moved his shoulders. You once again fell asleep on him. How could you not though? It was actually so easy to get sleepy when you were with Jongin.

The boy was just too soft, it was unable not to drown in his sparkly brown eyes. Whenever he let out a word his voice hit you like a thousand rocks. You were for sure so in love with him.

“We’re almost there Y/N I promise” he whispered as he put you back to sleep.

The driver coughed. “Kim Jongin-ah” he said with a deep tone. “Yes?” Jongin immediately answered. “Is your partner sleeping again?” he asked. Jongin closed his eyes. For a second he prayed that this moment wasn’t real.

Having a partner wasn’t allowed as an idol. Jongin’s company was pretty strict too which made him fear sometimes. The world would go crazy if they’d find out about you two.

The both of you had a dating ban. You could ruin your and your entire company’s reputation by just dating. Your fans might as well transform into antis. Your antis would make you feel miserable and send death treaths. God, it was a painful reality.

“Excuse me but this person isn’t my partner” Jongin forced himself to lie. “Really?” the driver severly insisted. “They’re my cousin, we’re really close to each other” Jongin clarified.

“Oh I’m sorry” the driver apologized.

Not so long after you arrived at the hotel. “Y/N wake up, we’re there” Jongin said as he carefully lifted you up. “Finally” you sighed.

The driver was busy searching your bags as he opened the trunk. “Does your so-called cousin also stay at the hotel?” he asked with a frown. Jongin slowly started to lose his cool.

“Listen driver”

“What Kim Jongin, or should I say EXO Kai?”

“Did I insult you or something?”

“No”

“Then why are you being so disrespectful towards me and my cousin?”

“You’re overreacting Jongin”

“I’m actually not, you should simply do your job well”

Jongin felt more than frustrated. He couldn’t handle those drivers who think they can just treat idols badly. Some of them have no clue about manners and respect. “Give us our bags please” Jongin asked the driver as he raised his eyebrow. The driver rolled his eyes but was kind enough to hand your bags back. “Thank you” Jongin said.

The driver ignored him and stepped up to you. “Poor child, call me if Jongin is being abusive towards you” the driver said. “Now! Get the hell out of here before I hurt you!” Jongin furiously shouted.

The driver got scared and left as quickly as he could. Jongin didn’t make a single move until the car reached a far distance.

“I’m sorry Y/N, he just made me angry” he deeply sighed. Jongin pulled closer to you and placed a kiss onto your forehead. “I just couldn’t stand his questions about you“ he added. “I understand it’s not really your fault Jongin” you comforted.

“Come on let’s get inside quickly before Junmyeon starts to worry” you said while you glanced at your bags. “Right” Jongin answered.

The hotel looked extremely fancy and expensive. You can’t even remember staying at this place once. Maybe JYP Entertainment, your company wasn’t familiar with these types of hotels yet. You’d love to stay at this hotel with your members too though.

“STAR” was the name of the group you were part of. You’ve been repeatedly topping charts and breaking records. Your group gets along with EXO very well since you’re both actual Kpop legends. You’re close with all the members and obviously look up to each other.

“Man, I truly envy SM Entertainment” you said as you observed the hotel. Jongin laughed. “You like it that much?” he asked. “I actually do Jongin” you enthusiastically answered. “Well then you’re lucky Y/N because you’ll spend the entire night here with me” he whispered to your ear.

Being an idol honestly didn’t affect the relation between you two. You loved each other for who you were, not the influence nor popularity you had while making music. The bond you had was special and indescribable.

As you walked around while holding each other’s hands, Jongin guided you to the elevator. “Don’t get scared babe” he comforted. He knew how much you hated elevators. Just the thought of them made your stomach turn.

“Get over here Y/N, I’ll hold you in my arms” he said as he pulled you closer. He carefully touched your hair because he didn’t want to ruin it. The texture of your hair itself really wasn’t the softest. But he loved it so much.

He started to smell your hair. “Cocoa butter shampoo isn’t it?” he grinned. “Obviously it is” you answered as you smirked. “Look at my baby out here looking mighty fine” he complimented. Your cheeks got warm as you felt yourself blushing.

”Y/N wait a minute” Jongin stopped. You tightened your arms around him. “What? Is the elevator about to crash?” you scaredly asked. “No sweetheart” he softly answered. He pulled his phone out of his jacket and called Junmyeon.

“Good evening”

“Jongin-sshi?”

“Yes it’s me”

“Why are you calling?”

“I just wanted to ask on what floor our room is”

“Jongin!”

“Please don’t shout, Y/N is in the elevator with me”

“Oh .. oh, I’m sorry”

“It’s fine”

“Hi Y/N can you hear me?”

“Junmyeon we don’t have time for that right now”

“Of course, I see”

“So?”

“We’re on the fifth floor”

“Perfect, we’ll see you in a minute”

You walked through the hotel and Jongin still held your hands. “It’s okay Y/N we’re alone now” he said. You trusted him but it was hard to be comfortable at hotels. Fansites booked flights to anywhere just to get photos of you. They followed your every single step as if they were trained to.

Jongin told you stories about his fansites and that you shouldn’t fear them. But sasaengs were something else. They were the most insane, dangerous and wild people. You’ve never considered them as fans but they still call themselves that.

If you’d ever be found with Jongin or Jongin would be found with you, it would literally be over. The press would do nothing but attack the both of you. That’s the main reason why you decided to keep your love for Jongin secret. Jongin did too, but he badly wanted to let it out.

As idols you both had a dating ban and couldn’t end it yourself. You had no control over that business. All you could do was perform, sing, dance and keep your reputaion safe.

It scared you sometimes to call yourself an idol but you couldn’t deny the fact that it was your passion. When you stood on stage, all your worries disappeared. All eyes were on you and you truly enjoyed that.

“Ah our couple must be here” Junmyeon said as he opened the door. “Surprise!” Jongin enthusiastically said. Junmyeon was actually happier to see you than Jongin.

“As expected from our Y/N” he said with a smile on his face. “I was just watching your performance at MAMA” he added as he pointed to his phone screen. “Oh really?” you surprisingly answered. Jongin shook his head. “So you’re really just going to flirt with Y/N like that?” he complained.

“Is my boyfriend a little jealous?” you teased. “If I’m your boyfriend, give me a kiss then” Jongin commanded. “Here we go again” Junmyeon said as he rolled his eyes.

“Are you alone here Y/N?” Junmyeon curiously asked. “Yes I am” you answered while you nodded your head. “But weren’t you at the award show with your members?” Junmyeon asked. “I was but after that they had a photoshoot without me” you informed.

“Without you?” Junmyeon confusedly asked. “Yeah it’s for a high fashion magazine and apparently my tan skin ruins the concept” you sighed. “That’s the most ignorant thing I’ve ever heard” Junmyeon complained. “I really don’t accept it either” Jongin said.

“You’re actually more than beautiful, you’re mesmerizing” Junmyeon softly let out. “Junmyeon I swear to God” Jongin sighed. “This is like the third time I catch you flirting with Y/N” he said as he widened his eyes. Junmyeon giggled. “You’re too possessive Jongin” he teased.

“Hey can I ask you guys something though?” you said. Junmyeon and Jongin looked up at you. “Go ahead babe” Jongin said as he smiled at you. “I’m really tired” you deeply sighed.

Of course you were, you just came from the MAMA award show and performed a special stage. Junmyeon glanced at Jongin as if he wanted to say something. “Take Y/N to bed please” he mouthed. Jongin didn’t hesitate and nodded his head.

“Babe we’re going to sleep alright?” he whispered to your ear. Junmyeon explained Jongin the way to the bedroom. “Don’t get lost around here okay” he said. Jongin promised to pay attention and not to get lost. “Have a good night with Y/N then” Junmyeon said as he smiled.

He kind of felt relieved that you were going to have a long rest. Your schedule also has been extremely tight for the past month. Your group STAR started to gain more and more recognition overseas. Therefore the company kept you busy and planned lots of activities.

Jongin was a big fan of STAR actually. Your fans already shipped you two but you had to be extremely cautious. You wouldn’t even want anyone to notice the slightest thing about you two. It was only when the cameras weren’t rolling you felt free. Or when the fansites were absent, you would be found kissing like the happiest couple ever.

As you laid down the bed Jongin started kissing your cheek. “What am I lucky to have you here Y/N” he said. His lips were perfectly pressed onto your skin. “Jongin” you whined. “Yes babe?” he asked.

“Before I fall asleep I want to know something” you said. Jongin warmly started to wrap his arms around you. “Then tell me what you want to know Y/N” he said as he placed another kiss onto your cheek.

You tried hard not to move away from him. You’d regret it if the touch between the two of you would get broken. “I actually want to know why you’re in love with me” you let out. Jongin gasped. “Do .. do you want to break up? Did I do something wrong?” he stuttered.

“Shhh it’s not that” you hushed. Jongin tried to get a message from your facial expression. “Well if you really want to know” he sighed.

“Y/N I just love everything about you”

“The way you dance on that stage, it’s like you just own it”

“I felt attracted to you for so long it blew my mind”

“I don’t know if it’s because we’re both main dancers of our group but ..”

“You really do stand out”

“And other than us being idols, I love how real you are”

“Your heart is so pure and you care so much for those around you”

“You are the perfection that they can’t touch”

“There I said it, that’s how I fell in love with you”

Your cheeks were burning up. Those words he said along that voice really made you weak.

“Jongin I-“ he placed a finger onto your lips. “Don’t say it Y/N because I already know” he whispered. You couldn’t help but giggle a little. He did knew how you fell for him, you really didn’t have to repeat that.

“Jongin you’re my sunshine”

“Y/N you’re my angel”

“My heart only belongs to you, did you know that?”

“I know, our love is just sweet like candy”

“I hope we can keep on loving each other endlessly”

“We will Y/N, I’m sure of that”

Jongin released his arms from you and pulled himself to the side of the bed. “Y/N I’m right here next to you” he said as he hugged you. Suddenly the lights turned off by itself. You gasped

“Expensive hotels Y/N, I’m sorry” Jongin laughed. “Oh right” you relievedly said. You laid a little closer to his side. As you closed your eyes you immediately feel asleep. “Sleep well Y/N” Jongin softly said.

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thedivinefish · 3 years

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TGIWednesday and reaching the zero point field and being more zen

TGIWednesday News

If we can come to that place of neutrality after clearing yes, unclear no, and running forward, more often than not, miracles can occur. I no longer meditate as in at all, but feel as if I am in the in-between more often than not. The more you can come to that still small quiet spot within, no matter what your method, the more likely you are to reach that point where everything can change. Know that we are here to guide you and help/contribute to you and all of your new endeavors in any way that we can. And I pray that you welcome this new year with new beginnings, the peace that surpasses all understanding and do so with enthusiasm for sure!

TGIWednesday Download

~ REACHING ZERO POINT FIELD ~ I believe, think, know and feel that I can reach that centered place and zero point field that dwells within us all. I am ready, willing and able to be a channel for all that is good, light, kind and progressive. I know, when, where, how and why spirit can show me my custom and special way to hear that voice within me. I am asking in all languages, and throughout all time lines and so it is.

LIVE MySwitchWorks Event

Starting fresh new job? Have a new business idea? Moved to a new location? Beginning or searching for a new relationship or ending a relationship? Starting a new diet or exercise routine to improve your health? Entering into a new financial endeavor? What are you struggling with? Is something blocking you? What happened last time that you want to clear the past energy of? What switches do you want to strengthen and turn on/off related to new beginnings? Live Zoom Event Next Wednesday Theme: Clearing the Way for New Beginnings January 27th from 7:30pm-8pm Eastern Registration for live event, includes replay. >>> https://calendly.com/jmh-calls/jan2021-switches-event

These monthly LIVE events are by invitation only exclusively to our TGIW subscribers held on the last Wednesday of each month. These calls are unique in that you have the benefit of tapping into a multitude of issues that many participants have submitted for the group. We compile that list of dozens of write-ins and one by one, we will clear it all together that evening. And know too that during the LIVE call, I bring in additional pieces from Spirit in the moment of reading each item that really expand on things and cover the clearings in a much deeper way. The value in this is tremendous! Instead of paying $68 for a half hour one on one with me where we might clear a dozen or so items, you can join our group each month for just $22 where together in 30 minutes you will watch in silence and amazement as you hear and feel the shifts of near 100 items - most of which you haven’t even thought of until you hear them LIVE!!

*NOTE Those who are buyers of Darius' special offer Package B should have already received a free registration confirmation email with details for how to join the event (see also your offer download page w/replays).

From the Fish Box

"Hi Jimmy, Just a quick update for you - I last wrote you about 8 months ago and you told me to stick with money and investing as I was considering different options to pursue - just wanted to let you know it's going pretty darn well! I've been investing in the crypto market in my free time, learning as much as I possibly can, and it has paid off. Over the months I've created a nice portfolio that has grown quickly into 6 figures, and I've doubled or tripled most of my investments. Granted it's a perfect scenario right now for a beginning investor, but the timing is just "perfect", and I know who to give credit to! I am so grateful for my session with you, your recordings, and MLF. I love your end of the month live group session, I sign up for most of them. If you're looking for inspiration for a theme one month, I'd love to see you do one on discipline, focus, perseverance. So many of us start projects, but how many finish, or accomplish what we set out for . . . I find I often get distracted, I could totally use a good dose of focus! I will fish it out in the meantime! Keep up the good work, and thank you!" - Lexie

Tampa Office Sessions

SWANN HOLISTIC HEALTH SOLUTIONS

Jimmy Mack will be offering sessions at Dr. Charla Tempone’s NEW office at Swann Holistic Health Solutions from 10-4 on Friday February 19th.

OFFICE LOCATION 403 S. Habana Ave. Tampa, FL 33609 Just south of Azeele next to Skin Savvy http://www.ctholisticsolutions.com

Please call their office directly at ☎️ (813) 873-7773 in order to get on the schedule for 15-minutes $38 or 30-minutes $68. If you’re new to working with me, I suggest you schedule 30 minutes.

Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell the Fish - 365 Daily Inspirations and Affirmations - by Jimmy Mack JANUARY 20th "Today, I will endeavor to contribute. I will move forward in my life and assist all I can with others in their lives. I won't hold the lantern while someone else chops the wood. I will assist all that I can to move projects, relationships and my life, forward."

Live Radio Show Appearances

2021 UPDATE THE JIMMY MACK HEALING SHOW GOING FORWARD I put in 5 years hosting weekly shows on Blog Talk and nearly another 5 years into my current show and Spirit came to me during a 3AM ending of My Daily Prayer services and whispered...“Enough.” So while we will not return to our weekly show in 2021, we will of course be guest or co-hosting on a variety of other shows on occasion. So stay tuned to this section of TGIW as variety show line ups where I am a guest on other shows will be posted!

Watch hundreds of replays for FREE here in the archives: https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

Nightly prayers include COVID-19. Each night we work on scrambling the frequency for everyone on the prayer list. Your name will be added to a special VIP Prayer list where Jimmy will use his intelligent computer software, src4you which runs 24/7, to delete the negative and increase the strength of the positive creating a higher probability of favorable outcomes for you.

In addition, throughout the full 30-days, Jimmy will be dialing into your energetic signature each day upon rising and make certain that you are a clear yes, unclear to no and running forward before you start your day. He is doing the heavy lifting for you around 3am NY time while most of you are asleep in order to smooth out your way and increase your most favorable life outcomes.

The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.

Upon written email request, for each new order we offer a one-time email analysis via the intelligent healing software that Jimmy uses on your behalf. Most clients have had amazing results and outcomes!

You can add yourself and those living in your immediate household and yes you can include pets! Merely include everyone’s names and Jimmy will add them to his daily prayers. *NOTE if the MDP Service was purchased via a special telesummit or radio show offer, prayers will be limited to BUYER ONLY - and will not include family members or pets.

You can run this monthly and stop at any time after the 30 days is up, you will have the opportunity to renew and update your list each month but are under no obligation. I believe you will experience magical transformations and make progress every day!

For those who aren't familiar, below is a list of the 30+ audios in the MyBeliefWorks series.... Find a topic that addresses your issue(s), click on the link to read more. We had a lot of help downloading & channeling these over the years & they keep getting better. Don't forget... you can share these with your immediate friends and family.

Abundance Abuse Addiction Body Scan: Head to Toe Bountiful Harvest Creatives Daily GPS Reset Dark Energies/Fears Decision Making Diet & Exercise Education & Learning Family & Relatives Financial Windfall The Gold Coin Healing Body Disorders Healing Mental Stress

Holiday Stress Increasing Intuition IRS & Tax Time Love & Romance Money Mindset Moving Forward Pain Relief Pet Healing Sales & Success Improving Sex Improving Sleep Traveling w/Ease Work & Career Weight Loss Youth & Vitality

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

The Certificate of Mastery Program includes 2 best-selling ebooks and 2 clearing audios plus written & video instructions, AND one-on-one time with Jimmy ALL for about the cost of a single 1-hr session! This online course is for anyone who is familiar with OR new to "fishing" and is ready to dive into the deep end & get results that are beyond the ordinary! It includes The Tackle Box & The Dowser's Handbook ebooks PLUS 2 MP3s "Clearing Dark Energies" & "Increasing Your Intuition" to help clear, strengthen and prepare your energy field for optimal “fishing” results. This is a work-at-your-own-pace curriculum that will TEACH & CLEAR you at the same time! In under 2wks you will be finished with the program and ready to fish on your own with greater results! Level II offers Practitioner Certification for those who qualify.

LEARN ABOUT CERTIFICATION HERE

TGIFunny

Forward

Jimmy Mack | Appointments Skype: Jimmy.Mack55 Clearwater Florida USA Book a 15 minute session Book a 30 minute session Book a 60 minute session Transformational Healing of Body, Mind & Spirit, People, Places, Pets & Situations! Download the My Liquid Fish™ Starter Kit (*Updated December 2020) Audio MP3 Downloads and books to improve your life! Get Certified in My Liquid Fish™Change Made Simple™ Watch Free Videos on YouTube Radio Show Archives Shop for Supplements http://www.jimmymackhealingshop.com www.jimmymackhealing.com Copyright ©1998-2021 All Rights Reserved

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com

Stay connected!

Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

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divinefishingtips · 3 years

Text

TGIWednesday and reaching the zero point field and being more zen

TGIWednesday News

TGIWednesday Download

LIVE MySwitchWorks Event

From the Fish Box

Tampa Office Sessions

SWANN HOLISTIC HEALTH SOLUTIONS

Jimmy Mack will be offering sessions at Dr. Charla Tempone’s NEW office at Swann Holistic Health Solutions from 10-4 on Friday February 19th.

OFFICE LOCATION 403 S. Habana Ave. Tampa, FL 33609 Just south of Azeele next to Skin Savvy http://www.ctholisticsolutions.com

Please call their office directly at ☎️ (813) 873-7773 in order to get on the schedule for 15-minutes $38 or 30-minutes $68. If you’re new to working with me, I suggest you schedule 30 minutes.

Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Live Radio Show Appearances

Watch hundreds of replays for FREE here in the archives: https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

LEARN ABOUT CERTIFICATION HERE

TGIFunny

Forward

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com

Stay connected!

Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

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365dailyaffirmations · 3 years

Text

TGIWednesday and reaching the zero point field and being more zen

TGIWednesday News

TGIWednesday Download

LIVE MySwitchWorks Event

From the Fish Box

Tampa Office Sessions

SWANN HOLISTIC HEALTH SOLUTIONS

Jimmy Mack will be offering sessions at Dr. Charla Tempone’s NEW office at Swann Holistic Health Solutions from 10-4 on Friday February 19th.

OFFICE LOCATION 403 S. Habana Ave. Tampa, FL 33609 Just south of Azeele next to Skin Savvy http://www.ctholisticsolutions.com

Please call their office directly at ☎️ (813) 873-7773 in order to get on the schedule for 15-minutes $38 or 30-minutes $68. If you’re new to working with me, I suggest you schedule 30 minutes.

Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Live Radio Show Appearances

Watch hundreds of replays for FREE here in the archives: https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

LEARN ABOUT CERTIFICATION HERE

TGIFunny

Forward

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com

Stay connected!

Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

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advancedthetapractitioner · 3 years

Text

TGIWednesday and reaching the zero point field and being more zen

TGIWednesday News

TGIWednesday Download

LIVE MySwitchWorks Event

From the Fish Box

Tampa Office Sessions

SWANN HOLISTIC HEALTH SOLUTIONS

Jimmy Mack will be offering sessions at Dr. Charla Tempone’s NEW office at Swann Holistic Health Solutions from 10-4 on Friday February 19th.

OFFICE LOCATION 403 S. Habana Ave. Tampa, FL 33609 Just south of Azeele next to Skin Savvy http://www.ctholisticsolutions.com

Please call their office directly at ☎️ (813) 873-7773 in order to get on the schedule for 15-minutes $38 or 30-minutes $68. If you’re new to working with me, I suggest you schedule 30 minutes.

Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Live Radio Show Appearances

Watch hundreds of replays for FREE here in the archives: https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

LEARN ABOUT CERTIFICATION HERE

TGIFunny

Forward

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com

Stay connected!

Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

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lagioianeldialogo · 5 years

Text

Post New Year Post

Dear friends,

It has been months since I haven’t updated this blog. I have faced trials and tribulations since the last time I’ve posted in this blog. The troubles of this life caught up with me and I have not been able to stand through the tides, and somehow I found myself sunken in the water. Problems in my work performance, family dynamics, and personal identity arose. And I could not keep up with the needs of everyone. Honestly, I think I killed off a number of my brain cells due to the pressures and stress of life, not just in the few aforementioned aspects. I have been missing because I have been trying to figure out why my life is going haywire, and how to go through this rough patch. I consulted and talked to my vocation director during those particularly rough days. I also consulted with my workmates because they have opened up that they see a decline in my work performance. I knew then that I have been called by the Lord to do something about the problems in my family. In my talks with my vocation director and my friends, I have found that I cannot just disregard the fact that my family is dysfunctional. I also had another sign from the Lord: I went to an anticipated mass last December 29, the feast of the Holy Family and the Homily of the priest hit me in the core and it was too good of a sign not to miss. And so, with a less than enough knowledge on how to start a dialogue with my family, I did it. All I could do is to hope that the Lord will guide me, my brain, my heart, and my mouth to lead my family back to Him. Slowly, I am picking up the pieces with the cooperation of my parents. I pray that this will yield into something that is according to the will of the Lord.

I have a problem with my health. In the past, I have been sent for operation to remove a cyst in my nape. I have also been diagnosed with anemia. Now, I am afraid to know my illness. I have evaded 2 doctors for my follow up checking, one for my cyst and one for my irregular menstruation. But I have to step up – I went to the doctor yesterday and have my 2 months long cough and colds checked. I am now under antibiotics and I hope this will finish up my cough and colds.

As for my vocation search, I have started prayer exercises and have attended Life Direction Seminars since October. The LDS last December was held at a shrine of Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal located at the northern part of our province. There, we listened to the sharing of a Vincentian Priest. He talked about his vocation story and His experience as a missionary in Mozambique. After which we had a little Christmas party. The event was scheduled to end at 2 PM in the afternoon but due to a last minute announcement by my company, I had to attend a gathering in our office by 3:30 PM. From the shrine, the travel time is 3 hours; therefore, I had to leave the event by 12 noon. I was saddened by this because that meant that I would miss out on the mass and the sharing. But there is nothing to worry because God has planned all these things and we should know that He has placed us where we are for some greater reason.

A few weeks after that LDS, I met with my vocation director and for 3 days, I would visit her after work. This started because I have asked her if she is available for me to share to her my burdens in life, to which she accepted with gladness. This became a sure sign for me to go through my family’s problems. She said to me that we are all but instruments of God’s work. If we occupy ourselves with the result, we will be frustrated because this will not always come out as we want them to be. Instead we should let God worry about the result, while we do to the best of our capacity to lead the people of our lives to God. That gave me the freedom internally. Because for so long, I have been taught to be goal oriented. But this time, I have been given the liberty to just let the future be but at the same time do as much as we can that is pleasing to God.

I had to ruminate, discern about my life. And I came to the realization that my life has been, in the last 20+ years, gravitating towards the Daughters of Charity: blindly choosing the school run by the DCs, gravitating to their devotion to Mary, and being friends with the DC sisters. After those days that I have been significantly close to the DC – to the point of sleeping at their dorms – I have gone missing in my usual attendance in morning masses in their chapel, but I still attend the Sunday masses at their chapel. In those 5 weekdays that I have been absent, my vocation director knew that I may be absent, but the other DC sister may have not been informed. Thus, the Sunday after those days, I attended the Sunday mass and that was the first time they saw me before since the last Sunday. They gave me Christmas gifts and cards and I and my vocation director with a postulant sat at the lobby, facing the entrance. Out of nowhere, the nuns that run the hospital that I am working in arrived. I was in shock and I couldn’t move but welcome them with open arms. They were shocked as to why I was there so early in the morning and so far from my house comments were made and I just let them pass. They were there to give Christmas gifts to their fellow religious sisters, when they finished saying their greetings, they left. Still in a shock, I couldn’t go through my conversation with my vocation director, Sr. Pau, and the postulant. Soon, Sr. Myra came and said her greetings and Sr. Pau opened up about how my employers came and found me – to which Sr. Myra said “that is what you get when you evade.” I assume that she made that comment seeing that I have been away from the religious activities and then I was flooded with them on that day.

Now, I am still away from the morning masses because I have been focusing on my health and attending morning masses calls for a shorter time of sleep. I am quite sure that when we meet, I will be met with welcoming comments and questions of how I have been in the last 2 weeks.

Also, this is a big reveal to anyone who reads this, and has known me. I have decided that in less than 2 years, I will join the Daughters of Charity. I will respond to the call of God. In the meantime, I will spend my day forming myself, and helping my family and friends. I have so much trouble to go through before I consider myself mature to take on the path that less people have accepted. I now ask for your prayers that I may be guided and helped and never straying to the path of nothingness, and sinfulness. Thank you.

Cebu, on the Solemnity of the Epiphany of the Lord 6 January 2019 Mary Monica

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