#im super tired i should sleep

[lotussuns]

i wont be home until tomorrow evening and i’m fighting these .. these thoughts, these urges, these … demons telling me about pornstar! gojo and geto and virgin reader from a religious household. shut up please leave me alone i cannot do this now i cannot whip my laptop out at this place please

#dnsurges #might write something tomorrow if i have the energy i’ll try to make it decent #im super tired i should sleep

[ultimateyakazoo]

#when i said i was going to bed i was lying i drew this instead #im still not tired i should sleep but ive missed doodling so much ah #sdr2 #ibuki mioda #my art #super danganronpa 2

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#oh lads. its not looking good for my genomics exam on Thursday. its all fucked #i dunno. its just been a weird day. bc one of my lab mates is getting ready to go to the astr0biology science conference #and its just so wild how i got here. into the perfect position. i have a great advisor. a great phd project. a committee member who is super #integrated with n4sa astr0biology projects. and so many of the instructors are amazing. my genomics prof is terrifyingly smart #so is my advisor and his wife. and the program is great. ecology and Evolution. its perfect. its all perfect #and yet. and yet. it just feels like its all falling apart. ive lost that compulsive thing thats always set in my chest #and now all i want to do is lay on the floor and cry and sleep and not do anything. why am i so tired? #its just so frustrating. and im sure ive got the most wretched vibes bc im constantly like 1 comment away from bursting into tears #like 2 weeks and its done. then im off to find a summer job. and find a long term job. and consider throwing away everything ive ever worked #toward. just let it all burn. im so tired. and i dont get to see my therapist until Monday. thats gonna b fun #hi. hello. since last i saw you my life has crumbled into pieces. ugh. i just dont wanna fail this genomics exam but it looks like that's #where we're headed. maybe i should have just dipped out of these last 3 weeks. but no. i didnt want to leave the lady i ta for 100 lab #reports to unexpectedly have to grade 4 days before grades are due. ugh. itll b fine. i mean it wont but whatever #unrelated

[enigmaticpink]

I've reached the part of sleep deprivation where I start feeling really anxious and I know it'll only get worse the more I'm awake but now when I try to lay down the dread sets in and I have to get up

#me: im super tired i should sleep #also me: okay but what if you die

[sewercentipede]

dosed b 0.275mg (iv) @ 7:40pm,, after 4mg kpin (sl) at 7:15pm

also LMAO I forgot that I didnt realize there was some ketamine in the syringe too when I dosed, completely unintentional result of switching syringes cuz the first one I used the needle was bent & I didn’t realize until after I filled it. I didn’t even know I still had ket. anyway idk the dose amount but it was enough for a quick k-hole(altho it doesn’t take much to k-hole thru that ROA)

anyway i was worried shooting b would make things worse if i had c diff so I wasn’t sure if I should do it so I dosed it smaller than usual (like not enough to nod/get high or anything) but it gave me complete relief from everything immediately. if itd been c diff I’d had have tons of abdominal pain afterward/continuously but i didn’t, so it ruled that out thannnk god

so it probably was the mag citrate yesterday + the linzess today + the food i ate the other day (im starting to wonder if i have IBS on top of crohns, irdk tho bc it could’ve just been crohns by itself in response to the food and the mag cit/linzess, bc ive been having acute oral/gum inflammation). think i rly needed just smth to slow my guts down and give me pain relief for the intestinal spasms and the throat ache and the facial skin pain/sensitivity bc all of it at once was too much for my body to bear and causing a positive feedback loop of pain in every aspect

not totally ruling out mild wd but i am not as worried about that being the cause bc i didn’t have any runny nose or malaise or sweating which are usually the first indicators of that, or body aches or nausea or fever of any kind, plus I space my doses out pretty well to avoid wd altogether

the rly bad noise-related pain went away immediately too and Im 99% certain I was only experiencing that bc the amount pain/physical stress I was having.. too much of that will cause external stimuli to be unbearable and audio stimuli is the always the worst/first to hurt in those circumstances. i think the kpin definitely helped w that aspect as well (even tho it made me cry a lot for like 5 mins b4 dosing the b shot, but that was rly just like the emotional stress being released kind of thing if that makes sense)

#drugs #im tired now I should go to sleep… #I guess I will see how it goes tomorrow bc iv bupe doesn’t last super long in terms of antidiaerheal effect

[prestonmonterey]

the gay urge for physical touch (like platonically its just comforting) battling the autistic urge for people to get the fuck away from me

#marble musings #augh #idk what im doin man #currently dying bc i SHOULD fucking sleep #but also im not tired and i need to let my hair dry so its not all spiky tomorrow #and uhh no i will not use a hair dryer i fucking hate those #my hairdresser as a kid tried to get me to stop being scared of them and it made it worse #so just #no #my hairdryer is reserved for drying paint thank you very much #anyway trying to stop fucking picking at my skin #i should #trim my nails #yk what lets do that actually #(ummm if you think keeping my nails super short is bad or ugly uhhh. think again buddy bc its either this or my scalp is constantly bleedin #it is #not a voluntary thing #:P #ok bye now ill shut up

[bunnyb34r]

There better not be a fucking tornado while I'm sleeping, or I'll be so pissed

#i dont wanna die in my sleep or worse wake up to my house damaged #marquilla #i wish i wasnt so tired bc i like watching storm radars but im eepy sleepy #reading the radar is super easy to me and i have tried explaining it to mom many many times but shes like ?? #like okay green yellow orange and red all rain. the farther from green you go the more heavy the rain #not even getting into hook echos and shit but like basic 'this is what those colors mean' and i only learned bc i was a very #anxious kid and storms scared me and instead of explaining the difference between watch and warnings and how #the radar colors work they were like dont worry ab it. thinking keeping me in the dark would ease my worry #like no i have the anxiety where i NEED to know i NEED to be in control as best i can #so i learned and now i feel comfort like okay the red is south of us the storm is moving east. we should be okay #but AUGH

[sucktacular]

Been a lil afk I feel like this past week so jsyk I still love y'all dearly and hope you've had a good start to the week so far!!! 💕🫂💕

#sucktacular sucks #also idk if ill participate in kinktober (death note) but im super looking forward to seeing/reading/etc everyones stuff!!!! #im just sleepy tired but maybe ill try at it since i should probably really practice mote and open comms again #need monies and jobs hard to get but damn i do be able to draw and i should milk that #sorry ive also been up since 8am with 3/4 hours sleep and zooted so my brain is like #the absolute biggest amount of paste rn. so smooth.anyeay ily my mutual darlings

[pizzapizzadickz]

.

#diary #personal #got fucking dammit my throat is sore and i wanna fucking stop this vocal stim cuz it strains my voice. #but i just fucking keep on doing it. ugh. its so just. annoying after a while. ugh. #sometimes i just get into one specific stim a lot and ill do it so much but stop in a while. but sometimes its too much #idk i just wanna chill but it be hard bc i keep fucking squeeking ;-; #first world problems man. the squeak™️ #and whats about as bad is i wanna bit on my cheeks and thats also annoying bc i *should* get some gum #BUT I WANNA SETTLE DOWN AND SLEEP FFS #...god i just need something to bite or chew on ffs. and doing it to myself isnt a good idea lmao #seriously this is so annoying. like ive *sorta* burnt out or something so im just super stimmy lately. #AND LIKE AGAINST BETTER JUDGEMENT IVE BEEN WATCHING NEURODIVERGENT TIKTOKS #AND LIKE THIS IS A PROBLEM BC IT MAKES ME STIM MORE FFS #...a while back i was watching sweet anita who has tics and because she has a popping tic it makes my stim MUCH WORSE. #bc i have the same fucking stim as her tic #IM DYING HERE SOMEONE BRING ME WATER UGH #like. i can cover them up and i dont stim in public or whatever. but at home in my room? its free real-estate. #(yes i just pictured that meme) but seriously tho it gets tiring and annoying after a while when youve spent HOURS or DAYS #just fucking stimming. like. i dont mind stiming. but this is too much. send help. what do do when stim too much. #...and i know this is bc i mask a lot and burn out a lot.... i know i did this to myself leave me alone. #UGHHHHHH FUCK.

[pommepommepomme]

´

#Bruce wads is super chaos #why do I discovered u too late mystery man #come back #i have a headache again #I have like 3 a week my scoliose is being a shiiiiiiiite cry #my brother is very cute tho #so is my cat #and my mom #none have scoliose #I think my dad as a tiny one #u know it’s pretty scary the op for scoliose is like wire in ur spine #not that I have a lot of mobility im horrible at limbo but I don’t want the op it seems very scary #and u simply don’t have the mobility u had before like #can u do climbing? and other sport? not sure #anyway im tired and not sleeping #should get smacked to fall asleep #and also realine my spine #a biiiiig smack

[imightbeatomato]

Eeuuugghhhh looks like I'm going to have to make a doctor's appointment because I can't make it through a 7h workday without passing out (:

Fuck

#doctor mention #im not fainting but i just get super tired and if i sit still i just konk out #working in a school im luckily on my feet and moving around most of the time #but not all the time #literally falling asleep at school as an adult is so embarrassing #it only happened twice this week but every day is way more effort than it should be #and im getting 8h of sleep per night #ive tried more sleep. ive tried less sleep. no difference #im just so sleepy #personal

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#uuuuummmmmm hypomania? bitch what? like huh? huh????????? #fucking hello???? like that's fucking like clearing whats happening at this moment #like i mean. im still grounded but like high energy. notably elevated mood. deminished need for sleep. im like fucking on right now #and but like i really really should not b. like hello? #but like its weird bc like what does that mean? like it happens every so often like too much energy that feels unhinged #but like it doesnt really affect my life too much it just feels kinda wild and upsetting to me bc its like not in control #but like i mean right now this is notable with respect to what i normally experience. like energy higher and mood higher than normal #like its midnight and im not even a little tired after having a fucking week like what??? #not looking forward to when this breaks and i crash. but like whats the pattern her? how long has this been happening? #im gonna have to start tracking my mood bc idk i feel like im noticing it more now. like i dont remember this happening always cyclically #and like in the past it usually lasts like a day or ill have a few days where im like high energy but also fried and kinda up and down #but like im not going like full on way way high for long periods of time. but its hard to tell bc i have so much emotional dissonance #like ill have this like frantic energy while im standing completely still and i wanna grin in an unhinged way but its black static down #thr middle. so its like am i happy? and i depressed? fucking idk. im usually mostly depressed i think as a product of being so anxious all #the time. i don't usually go super low out of nowhere. i mean. i think its more linked to hormore stuff but i also think this is as well #idk its weird just. thoughts. i should start tracking my mood and ya kno also probably talk to a doctor #but like im about to lose my parents health care as i turn 26 and also fucking atrocious executive function #issues. like. it feels like my brain has holes in it. or i heard my lab mate say she was worried she had a brain tumor #bc its just like. something is not functional in the way its supposrd to be. ya kno? but like its fine #i mean. its not fine but like its fine #sigh. god im gonna forget to track this shit. like im already like my braun is disintegrating in my skull #can i pls be exused from being an adult while i have some sort of episode lol. but like idk #itll b fine. ive got a level head and an analytical brain and big control issues so i can keep myself on the rails #dispite the trashfire haha. ugh wtf do i do tonight tho. lay here abd try to sleep i guess #hope the mood stays up tomorrow so i dont like collapse into a puddle #ay ay ay. interesting. very interesting #im like a commit pinging around. a pinball bounding of those little pin thingys. ill meet with my boss Tuesday like yooooooo #idk if u havent clearly noticed but ive been a bit ya kno emotionally #unstable ✌️ or maybe ill b back to my normal sad sack self by then lol. idk weird vibes. real weird vibes but good 4 now #unrelated

[lucifers-paramour]

[sighs]

#feeling super burnt out from work #cant draw decent #hate everything i make #i feel ugly and older than i should #wanna just go to sleep and not ever be awake again #im just so tired

[22degreehalo]

Urghhhhhhhh so that whole calming effect of adhd meds is sure not very helpful when I'm up in the morning and trying to wake myself up :///

#for quite a while I've been okay just taking the meds after breakfast #since by them ive woken up enough to be bothered basically lol #but now that im working I thought I should try to have them earlier #to help me get myself together in the morning #maybe it works better when I'm...actually doing that #but I had one as soon as I got out of bed today #and then had a sit down breakfast in between going outside w/ the cat #and I just. felt so so so so tired all of a sudden. #it makes me think a lot of a comment on reddit I saw #that if you get super tired whenever you're not scrolling socmed or whatever #it's because you really are tired but just that dopamine stream distracts you #but I got a full night of sleep last night??? #do I need more than 7.5-8.5 hours nightly????? #where is this sleep debt coming from????????? #who KNOWS #personal

[piotrekek]

I need to play games with someone.

I need to feel wanted, I want to stream art to my friends while they give me tips and attention so I can feel fullfilled.

I have needs, but no friend group I already have is able to full fill them(as far as I know), there's a few people who do so and they are barely online because they have actual lifes.

#i feel sick and i feel tired #i have been venting on tumblr for the past few days now #i need to scream and i don't know how to get the things i want #i have things i should work on but my discipline sucks and motivation doesn't work #i have years wasted online and i still don't know shit #im autistic but not in cute way so i don't get the same attention #im not super creative so im being left behind by people which don't have time to hand hold me through my ideas because i have hard time #being sure what is good what is right #There so many rules and there's no rules #i need to start taking my school meds outside school #idk how long i can take it before my 'im gonna kill myself jokes' won't be jokes anymore. #this. is bad. i need sleep most likely #but i just want to spend time with friends. #i want to feel wanted. #might delete later

[toastsnaffler]

nvm im too tired and overstimulated for this shit

#.vent #i only slept a couple hours last night man. i cant do short notice evening socials on an empty tank let alone resist unexpected rsd #if they had let me know earlier then i wouldve taken a nap and worked out beforehand to get my energy back up #idk just. if u rly want my company then maybe u should actually invite me next time. its not like they didnt plan it #even if they just forgot its not particularly pleasant to be the one person insignificant enough to forget abt. theres only 5 of us #they rly remembered to ask the one guy who isnt even here before me yknow. ugh u see the stupid thoughts i have to battle!! #like on a rational level ik it was probably genuinely accidental. but the way i instinctively react is not always rational #so regardless someone has to deal with the emotional fallout and thats me. regulating this shit is hard work even when im NOT tired asf #i really really dont want to be an asshole and spoil anyones fun bc its no-ones fault + as real as it feels to me rn ik im overreacting #but i cant voluntarily expose myself to personal triggers when im already exhausted + more vulnerable than usual #so just gotta shut myself in my room and deal with it in my own super healthy ways as per usual. may they never fucking find out #trying my best not to be an asshole i hope to fucking god they dont think im being an asshole i just told them i was tired + i meant it #this wouldnt be so much of a problem if it hadnt happened to me before. and also ik its bc one rsd trigger makes me more sensitive- #to picking up unrelated cues but there ARE other things they do that i find ostracising which rly dont fucking help. but- #theyre not things i can actually confront them abt so usually i just gotta deal w it which is fine but it lowers my general tolerance #its ok. its ok i like them all a lot theyre lovely ppl and it doesnt matter if there is a some grain of truth in the things im thinking #bc the risk of me believing + acting on a bad faith irrational thought leads to outcomes that are far worse than those from #misidentifying someones malicious behaviour towards me as neutral by accident/in good faith. okay im done now i think #just ignore me spewing out the old brain gunk on main again eurgh anyway im gonna go calm myself and read and SLEEP #ill be normal by tomorrow morning farewell comrades #honestly i dont mind dealing w shit this way bc its the best option for everyone but man. sometimes its so fucking lonely #like there are sides of me ppl will never engage with and for good reason but without them being acknowledged i find it rly hard to feel- #any real emotional intimacy or closeness with another person. but what other option is there #i sure as hell dont miss the fights i used to constantly get into when i wasnt able to regulate myself i lost so many friends that way #it is what it is. on we go for now