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waitinginthedarke · 5 years

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It Consumes Me

A BTS/Kim Namjoon Fanfiction

Summary: The minute he laid eyes on her he knew she was the one. But love is a battle of the mind and the heart, and when the voices in your head start winning, how can your heart possibly compete with a choice that consumed you before the very start…

Type: Angst/Love

Disclaimer: This story contains strong themes. Should a chapter be potentially triggering, it will be stated beforehand.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8

Chapter 9

The film had finished by the time he returned to you, the intensity of the final scenes not allowing you to notice how long he’d been gone until you were swallowed by the anxiousness brought on by having to socialize with the others without him there, left by yourself in an unknown environment.

Thankfully Jimin and Jungkook had kept you at ease with their discussion of the marvel universe, so by the time Namjoon sidled up beside you, you didn’t have the tight chest you’d had initially, and you were able to smile enthusiastically up at him as he settled his hand on your shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze of greeting.

‘Sorry, I missed the end of the film, I went to speak to Yoongi-hyung for a moment.’

So much for the anxiousness receding.

Looking behind Namjoon, you watch as the one guy who’d been so elusive all evening comes to a stop just over his shoulder, his sudden presence causing you to jump up from your seat to greet him, already having assumed that he was your elder and knowing you should be polite to him with the attitude the others had approached him with this evening so far.

‘I do apologise, y/n, I feel like I haven’t formerly introduced myself yet. Unfortunately, its been quite a long day and im a bit of an introvert so I just needed to recharge the old batteries with some time alone. However, ...here I am now, and Namjoon seems to want us all to get to know one another, so I thought I’d make a special effort to stay awake to do so.’

Watching him talk to you now left you questioning if the guy who’d glared at you and had seemed so distrustful earlier, was the same guy that presented himself to you now; smile seeming completely natural and eyes watching you kindly as he lets his greeting sink in.

‘You shouldn’t have stayed up for me. From everything Jungkook has told me about how crazy busy your lives are, you probably need every bit of sleep you can get.’ You offer, suddenly feeling very apologetic when you realize you’d probably interrupted what would have been an evening of rest for everyone else had you not suggested to Namjoon that you come over to stay to avoid your father from becoming overly suspicious towards your activities.

Although he was probably too drunk to care right about now.

‘Its most definitely not a problem, y/n. In fact, it’s a nice change to the normal cycle of ‘practise-sleep-practise-sleep’. Besides, I want to get to know you, since its obvious you mean so much to Namjoon-ah, here.’

Subconsciously you begin to pinch your elbows with uncertainty where your arms were crossed defensively across your chest, the action having been a natural reaction to Yoongi’s presence, but you don’t become aware of your stance until your thoughts are pulled to the feel of Namjoon gently curving his hand around your waist, fingertips gently tapping your own where there were curled into your skin on the opposite side of you. The action was clearly meant to be subtle, but whether it was your sudden quiet intake of breath upon feeling Namjoon’s touch, or the way you’d been shifting minutely, yet nervously for the past few minutes, the second you become aware of your actions you glance at the man in front of you to see his eyes flicker from your elbow to your own gaze, appearing to swallow uncertainly when he realizes you had clocked his attention on you.

‘In which case, can you guys sit down so that we can all join into the conversation?’ comes a grumpy, yet intrigued voice from behind you, and you cant help the smirk that pulls at your lip as you sigh and turn to see Jimin tilting his head cheekily at you all, smiling devilishly before motioning to the sofa behind you.

‘Well…where do we start?’

-----------------------

After a solid hour of talking to everyone, of sharing childhood stories, laughing at lower school antics, and watching as Jungkook and Jimin bickered over who was more ‘Busan’ than the other, the conversation had turned to families, Namjoon first answering your intrigued questions about his parents and sister, before the inquest turned towards you.

‘Well…I live alone with my Father.’ You answer, the sentence seeming blunt even to your own ears, and the quiet that followed told you of the answer that was lingering on all of their tongues before Hoseok even voiced it.

‘What about your mother?’

‘She’s dead.’

God. No matter how many times you said it, it would always sound just as cold and heartbroken as the first time you spoke the words out loud.

‘I’m so sorry, y/n.’

The sentiment echoed from a few others after it first left Namjoon, his grip tightening on your hand out of a want to comfort you and you smile kindly, yet weakly, at him, drawing in a deep steadying breath that you hoped would stop your mind from reeling back through the flood of memories you had of your mother...

...and what life was like before she died.

‘It will be two years this year.’ You explain, glancing around the room at the others and feeling your stomach turn when you see their sympathetic, pitying looks.

‘What happened?’

The way your jaw tightens in response has you questioning just what it was about him that put you so on edge, but when you look up to see Yoongi watching you patiently, his expression free from the same pity as the others, you find yourself beginning to like him despite yourself.

‘The doctor said it was an accidental overdose; she used to suffer a lot with pain in her arms- she’d gone to the doctors for a scan the week before and she was waiting on the results…when they came through the door the day after I found her we found out she had s…-stage 3 cancer- her organs hadn’t been able to hold the quantity of medication she’d taken so when she went to sleep that night she just-…she just didn’t wake up again.’

You don’t recall when you began crying, or when the shaking had begun, its only when the scent of Namjoon is enveloping you and the feel of his tshirt is getting wrapped around your fingers, that you realise what had happened. Hurrying to right yourself, you gently unlock your fingers from the death grip they had on Namjoon, working on breathing evenly and shaking your head slightly to try to stop the stream of tears leaving your eyes, hating yourself for being so weak when you’d been so strong for such a long time.

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make everyone depressed.’ You mutter, chuckling at yourself which in turn squeezes a quiet laugh from Namjoon, his eyes being pinned on you when you manage to look up at him, and you find yourself loving him even more when his steady, reassuring gaze is able to fill you with strength once more, the small smile he offers you telling you that he was there…that he always wanted to be there.

‘Sorry for making you so upset, y/n. We’ll change the topic.’ Hoseok explains, smiling reassuringly at you, and you smile shakily back in thanks, quickly swiping beneath your eyes to wipe away any mascara that may have run and, glancing to the spot beside you, you see a shining star come to save you in the form of Jimin pulling a jokingly tense face as he stared back at you, glancing quickly towards the others before leaning over to whisper in your ear.

‘Do you want me to break out the alcohol?’

--------------------

The gentle jostle of soft cotton beneath your cheek forces awareness upon your mind, your eyes steadfastly refusing to allow any light in and so your automatic reaction is to bring your hand up to cover your face, turning your head into the soft material as you do so.

Its with this motion that you become aware of arms cradling you as you seem to float through air, your bemusement at the scenario forcing your eyes open until you could see Namjoon’s delicately sharp jawline just in front of your eyes, the tiniest hint of a 5 o’clock shadow beginning to darken his features. The vision of the wall seeming to move behind him confuses you momentarily, before the light suddenly changes and you immediately recognize the deep hues of his room that you’d memorized the minute you’d stepped into it earlier.

‘Mmmh, whats going on?’ you mumble, closing your eyes once again as you slowly creep your arms up around his neck, smiling cheekily when you settle with your fingers linked so as not to let him escape and you hear him chuckle deeply in response. All motion stills for a moment, the lack of movement almost tempting you to open your eyes again, but its not until you feel his lips press softly to your forehead followed by the cool sheets pressing against your back, being so drastically different to the feel of him cradling you, that you finally peer back up at him, now sporting a frown of disapproval as he attempts to settle you on the bed and retreat.

‘Why did you let me go?’ you question him faux grumpily, pouting in dislike, and watching as he chuckles at the expression, his eyes dancing with amusement in the dull light of his bedside lamp next to you, before he swoops down suddenly to catch your lips with his own, lingering the minute he immerses himself in the act and causing you to smile into the kiss.

An instant need springs within you to not let him go, heart picking up pace hurriedly in your chest as you body begs you for more of him, but your responses are a second too late, as before you can pull him down to join you on the bed, he’s slipping out of your grasp with a cheeky, yet slightly sleepy smile.

A grumble squeezes its way from your chest and you’re about to vocalize your protest, but you’re forced into silence when he’s suddenly pulling his shirt over his head in the corner of the room, and you become fixated on his actions as he strips down to his boxers, the visual of his slim muscles running fluidly just beneath his skin leaving you salivating.

You’re mesmerized as you watch him potter about his room, shuffling some papers on his desk distractedly as he wipes his face with a cleansing wipe, moving to look out of the window thoughtfully for a moment as if he thought you had fallen asleep, and he probably would have continued to assume that, if it wasn’t for your sudden question as you watch him go to get into Jin’s bed across the other side of the room.

‘What are you doing over there?’

He peers towards you with a look of surprise, eyes widened slightly as he sits up and realizes you were indeed still awake.

‘I thought you’d fallen asleep again, I was just getting into bed-‘

‘But, you’re in the wrong bed.’

Your sudden response makes you blush, the obvious want in your voice to have him next to you making you sound needy, but you force yourself to keep your gaze on his, your need to feel him next to you over-ruling any embarrassment.

‘I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.’ He explains, a smirk playing around his lips at your mild outrage, but before you could complain any more at him, he’s standing back up and making his way over to the opposite side of the bed you were in, his apparent confidence whilst knowing you were awake causing your cheeks to heat even more as you turn over toward him, snuggling into the bed as you watch him climb under the covers, peering over at you for a moment before extending his arm above your head in invitation.

You watch him for a moment, considering, suddenly sitting up and shakily removing your dress over your head before you could think about it, dropping it to the floor beside the bed, and shuffling over once more so that you could snuggle into him more comfortable, not making eye contact with him the entire time and therefore missing the way he raises an impressed eyebrow at the move, before his expression slips into a warm, content smile as he wraps his arms around you.

‘I enjoyed this evening.’ You murmur quietly as your brain becomes consumed by trying to mentally describe the feel of his skin beneath your fingertips as you draw patterns on his torso. His light hum vibrates through his chest and into yours, making it feel as though the two of you were truly fused together.

‘I’m glad. I enjoyed this evening too…it was nice being able to share a bit more of my life with you.’ He mutters, ending the sentence by dropping a kiss to your forehead, his lips lingering softly and you cant ignore the overwhelming feeling of contentedness that being wrapped up in him brought, not realizing you had almost fallen asleep until you hear him begin talking again.

‘You know…I never thought I’d ever be this happy before. I was always a little bit skeptical of loving someone else…the whole concept just seemed a little over-zealous to me…

…but now that I have you…I realize its just like breathing; I need you like I need air. …and if that is what it means to love someone-‘

‘I love you, too, Namjoon.’

You’d known it since the first blush that had graced his cheekbones in the coffee shop on the first day you’d met. However, it hadn’t been until he’d begged you to stay beside him before catching the bus home the night before, that you realized you wanted to tell him, the only thing holding you back being your nerves of telling him and making a fool of yourself.

‘Hey, that was meant to be my line.’ He grumbles with a chuckle, the addictive sound making you tilt your head up to look at him, biting your lip in an attempt to hide your smile, before he steals the breath from your lungs with a kiss, his hold tightening on you as he tries to put every ounce of need for you into the act.

‘I love you, y/n.’

-----------------------

NAMJOON

She was so delicate in his arms, his need for her being amplified until it was almost overwhelming, but the voice in his mind that demanded he do everything right stopped him from letting it come to anything more than a kiss and a touch.

Having her laid in his bed with him, the two of you wrapped in your own little world together, was everything he didn’t know he needed. The moment she’d taken off her dress he hadn’t been able to stop himself from running his eyes over her, his breath stopping as the lamplight had glowed against her skin. Before when she’d seemed upset at his attempt to be proper and sleep in a separate bed, he’d had to force his thoughts into check, shaking himself a little as he made his way over to join her, but almost losing it when the electric current that she always ignited within his body made itself apparent the second his skin was in contact with hers.

After their confessions to one another he’d felt the way her whole body had relaxed into him, watched her as the slow circles she’d been drawing on his abdomen had become smaller and smaller until her dainty fingers had folded into themselves and her eyelids had fluttered shut. The sight of her asleep in his arms, uncaring for the rest of the world, so content to lay within his hold, not a dash of fear or apprehension on her face; he could have died there and then and remained the happiest man alive for the rest of time.

He wanted to stay awake all night watching her, committing every detail of her to memory so that even when he was asleep, she’d be all he’d see behind his eyelids. The softness of her skin beneath his fingers as he traces patterns on her shoulders causes his stomach to somersault over and over again, being able to brush her hair back gently behind her ear so that he could see her face in all its ethereal-ness was something he wanted no other man to ever experience, out of jealousy.

However, its as he’s brushing her hair tidily to lay against her back, that he initially catches sight of the grey smudge.

At first he thought it was a flicker of a shadow dancing with the dim lamp light. But after squinting his eyes to see through the darkness, and tilting his head in confusion as his fingers slow their gentle combing of her hair, the first bout of intrusive thoughts flashes through his mind.

No. She probably just hurt herself by accident…maybe she tripped and fell at university.

The bruise drew itself across the back of her ribcage, curling in to hug the empty space between her shoulder blades, tapering off at the edges into a light yellow spattering- signalling that whatever had happened had been a while ago. He couldn’t help but outline the shape with the lightest touch of his fingertips, the somersaulting of his stomach having turned to nausea, and subconsciously he leans his head down so that he can press his lips to the top of her hair, lingering for a while as he tries to dispel the dark thoughts that had infested his mind.

‘Hmmm?’

Her quiet murmur forces his awareness onto how securely he was holding her, his clutch being just that bit tighter than was comfortable, and he immediately loosens his arms, brushing her hair back from her face once again as she readjusts herself into his side, her arm reaching round his torso to hug him just that tiny bit closer to her, before she slackens against his chest once again.

He couldn’t imagine anyone ever hurting such a preciously pure soul, could never think of a situation in which anybody could find it in themselves to raise a hand to the angel tucked into his side in that moment.

…and yet all he could think after the sight of the black mark wrapping around her back was that someone had…

…and if he ever found that person; …he knew he would kill them.

(T.B.C)

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hiraethtae · 5 years

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I purple you not- PT 5: I am Fine

Previous Parts: Prologue, Pt1, Pt 2 (½), Pt 2 (2\2), Pt 3, Pt 4, Pt 5

ao3

Synopsys:

Kim Taehyung runs an army twitter and is much active in the fandom. He’s known by all the fandom by his internet alias Teaberry and yet none of ARMY know his gender, name or have ever seen his face and is a mystery persona who is known mostly for spreading positivity. What happens when He decides to take drastic measures by buying 300 BTS world tour tickets and giving them away to ARMY, as a move against the resllers?

by doing so, Taehyung aquires the attention of the the world and the boys he stans, while changing the meaning of ARMY altogether.

PLEASE DO NOT REPOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

notes: IT TOOK ME 10 MONTHS TILL I COULD CONTINUE THIS STORY IM SORRY OMGOD WTF(cough) anyways!! Pt 5 is out!!

|_PT 5: I am Fine.

It's been several days since everything blew out of proportion and Taehyung was one hundred per cent done. Actually, he wasn't. He was more likely trying to convince himself to walk away before it got more out of hand then it is. Teaberry's account was flooded with messages and so were Taehyung's notifications. In the first time of his life, Taehyung put his phone on silent and started thinking maybe he bit off more than he could chew. He sat on the sofa in his black and white apartment and pressed his hands to each other. Breathing in deeply and then breathing out through his teeth, he raised his head and decided that he honestly could care less.

Or so he said. It’s not that Taehyung didn't care. It's just that he was feeling so much at once that he was overwhelmed and couldn't understand what he was feeling; only that he was on the verge of a panic attack. Taehyung's work phone decided to distract him at the right moment. A blinking notification lit up the dark screen; 2 NEW MAIL.

Taehyung picked up the device with cold fingers and slid it open. He had two letters he had not seen yet. One was from the Mama organizers who invited him each year to the yearly Mama awards, and the other from Holly. Taehyung decided that he could reply to the first mail later on. He never attended the Mama awards and Taehyung wasn’t planning on changing that habit. Holly's mail only had 2 words.

H a v e f u n.

And beneath it a single document of several fansign tickets and one ticket to a BTS concert.

Taehyung threw his phone against the wall and couldn't breathe.

|_8th of June

On the day of the fansign Taehyung considered running away to live in New Zealand and changing his name, living out his days in a hobbit home, farming out the rest of his life… he had it all figure out. Instead, he reacted as any normal human being who was in a stressful situation would react: Taehyung locked himself in his room and moped while trying to control his harsh breathing. His coping mechanism wasn't doing so well for him. Staring at the wall blankly for hours could make a man go mad. Unfortunately for Taehyung, he also had a habit of overthinking and that usually made it worse.

This morning Holly dragged him out of his covers and forced him to shave and wash up. She helped him dye his hair too. Her eyes were rimmed with dark circles matching his yet the reasons for their exhaustion varied. She had been coming by each day, forcing him to get out and breathe some fresh air; to jog with her in the darker hours of the night when no one was around.

"You need to be alone right now but you also need to take care of yourself. So no people or crowd, er, except the fansign of course but a crowd of girls shouldn’t be a problem. But you have to get out of here." She worked at night when he slept, golden eyes rimmed with red.

It wasn't always this way. Taehyung was naturally cheerful. He found joy in the simplest things and the most ridiculous ideas. He used to love crowds, being in the centre of attention making everyone laugh and smile with him. He knew those parts of himself weren’t erased (considering his whole plan for fighting off the resellers) yet a part of him has withered away. It happened over the years. Taehyung lost his passion and instead, a faded polio photograph of him was left. The reason he was standing here was because of BTS. Vante and Teaberry exist because of BTS. It's time Taehyung brought them back he just wondered if he could do that.

"I don't understand why you never went to see them," Holly said while rummaging around in his closet.

"See who?"

"BTS? The group who basically because of them I'm your best friend?" She didn't turn around to see him shrug.

"I was busy."

Holly snorted and gave him an amused look. Her eyes were sharp and her teeth were bared in a smile Taehyung found chilling. She threw a bundle at clothes into his lap. "Liar."

Taehyung clutched a fist into the fabric and moved his gaze away from her. Her eyes, on the other hand, bore holes into his side profile.

"I think you were scared of what would happen when you see them for real."

Taehyung started tapping his foot on the carpeted floor. Holly closed the closet door with a loud click. Taehyung swallowed and looked up. Her hair was a shade of dark brown then. "I think you were scared you would realize it was all for nothing."

Years have passed since that conversation. Four years to be exact and the flame truly did die out. It was odd how their interactions involving his inner psyche almost always involved Holly rummaging in his closet. Today, she found this whole situation as a learning experience. She was crouched in his shoe closet like a red-headed gremlin, picking up and examining different pairs of expensive soles Taehyung has gathered over the years. Holly turned around and looked at his outfit, frowned, then proceeded to rummage again with a loud clatter, “I think it's time for you to go and make sure that flame burns bright again."

Taehyung shuffled in place, bare feet pushing into the soft carpet on his floor. His toes peaked beneath his slightly oversized pants and wiggled. "Why did it die out in the first place?"

"Honestly Tae, who’s the one who studied psychology in their free time? You know the answer to this better than I.” She huffed and threw a pair next to his peaking toes. Holly leaned her chin into her palm with raised brows. Taehyung stubbornly kept his mouth shut and stared in absolute fake fascination at the fake plant on his desk. Holly let the silence drag on for another minute before sighing and got to her feet. Taehyung closed the apartment door after her as his phone began to ring. Holly’s name appeared on his screen next to a purple heart and he didn’t offer a greeting as she continued where she left off, uttering his dreaded thoughts.”-I think in your attempt to preserve your passion from a distance-" Holly's voice echoed from his phone on loudspeaker while Taehyung started to make coffee very loudly as well as the sound of cars and wind as she walked on the street to get to her day job didn’t affect her volume. "-pushed you away from the original feeling that made you go 'This is what I want to do. This is what I want to share with the world.' And as a result, your subconscious burned the flame out by itself."

"I always knew I was self-destructive," Taehyung said wryly and gagged on the bitter taste of his drink. He decided to make tea instead.

Holly laughed in a hollow way while a bus horn echoed in the empty apartment. Her voice crackling through the phone she said, "Aren't we all?"

Taehyung picked up his phone that had seen better days and wandered into the bathroom. His eyes weren't rimmed with red like before and his eye bags had mostly disappeared. His hair was dyed a dark black which grew out into a tiny mullet behind his ears. His cheeks looked fuller and healthier. He stopped biting his lips last weeks and they weren't bleeding any more. Taehyung looked healthier then he was for a while and it made him feel that on the inside he could be better too.

"See you later."

Holly hummed a reply while a woman screamed “Taxi!” in the background before the screen went dark. Taehyung looked at his reflection once more and tried to smile. It made him happy to see it was more genuine this time. He was dreading going to the fansign but also alighted. It made him feel what he lost all those years ago. It made him feel young, alive and burning.

When Taehyung arrived at the fansign he thought he must have gotten the wrong address. Yet, the gaggle of girls holding different Army bombs, wearing shirts with the names of the idols etched on them in different colours and the excited screams of hormonal teenagers seemed to prove him wrong.

Taehyung tucked his chin in his blue scarf and tried to breathe normally. He used to not mind crowds and revelled in them. Now he couldn’t help but shrink into himself. If his followers on Twitter could see the outgoing Teaberry now… The mere thought made him snort bitterly.

An incredibly short girl came running by, screeching like a bird and stepping on Taehyung’s shoes. He looked down at his soles and then at the girl who ran off still screeching and wearing a very unflattering Min Yoongi meme shirt. Taehyung blinked after her, a pout already forming under his face mask. It not often he got trampled by girls but his shoes were new and WHITE. A voice interrupted his moment of sulking. “Need a wet wipe?”

Taehyung blinked and turned away from the girl who was now flailed her arms around, smacking peoples things from their arms as she told something to a gaggle of her friends with an excited expression. A boy yelled at her when she made him drop his phone and the girl apologized with wide eyes.

In front of Taehyung stood an amused looking woman who appeared to be a year or so older then Taehyung. She had smile lines and a grin to match, hair raised in a casual bun. Hanging from her neck was a professional camera.

Taehyung looked down at his shoes again and smiled sheepishly, his mask hiding his expression. “I think I might. Thank you.”

The woman snickered and handed him a disposable wet wipe with Burger King logo. “First time at a fansign? You have to be careful of the small ones, they are just balls of energy.” Taehyung opened the plastic and breathed in deeply the lemony scent wafting from the wipe, it’s refreshing smell immediately calming his nerves from the stuffy area. Crowds made him anxious these days. Taehyung couldn’t remember how it felt not to be in a constant state of social anxiety. He crouched down to clean off the smudge and grunted when it refused to wipe off the white sneaker. A hand suddenly appeared in front of him. Taehyung looked up at the woman and her camera dangled dangerously close to his face when she leaned down, brown eyes glinting.

“My name is Soomin.”

“Taehyung.” He replied and took her hand, smudge forgotten.

Soomin introduced him to a few more girls, all carrying oversized cameras in their hands or around their necks. They were close to his age and were hobbyist fansites. They were inside of the hall at the beginning of the line and in the first row, Taehyung in the middle between 3 bickering woman.

“I can’t go to each concert or meeting they have, I have a life too.” Bok Jo snorted, her short black hair held back with a bright orange headband. “Their schedule has gotten so busy I don’t know how those full-time fansite masters do it.”

“Soomin, on the other hand, is a free-lance photographer for a living. She has more free time then all of us combined.” Mina said, inspecting her camera lens with her tongue between her teeth and furrowed brows.

Taehyung turned to the latter with raised brows. “Freelance? And you take idol pictures in between?”

Soomin grinned, unabashed. She was sitting in a laid back manner, her arms casually thrown over Mina’s chair. “Same idols pay me to take their pictures too. I work for Dispatch part-time.”

Bok Jo produced an offended noise. “How can you? They basically eat up scandals and whatever other bullshit.”

Mina piped up with raised brows, “BUT, their pictures are good.”

“Yeah, whatever still frigging snakes.”

Soomin shrugged. “I don’t do that kind of stuff.”

Bok Jo’s eyes narrowed behind her glasses. “You better. Or you won’t be any better than those saseaengs. All that invading privacy shit is crazy.” She turned toward Taehyung. “What about you new kid? You have a fansite?”

Taehyung blinked, surprised at being addressed. “Uh no, it’s my first time seeing them.” He spent the majority of the conversation listening or zoning out and the others have seldom addressed him. When they just walked in Taehyung tried to slip into the back but the three women noticed and dragged him next to them, laughing about “getting the best shots” and “come on boy you will be right in front of the stage.”

Bok Jo and Mina gaped at him with raised brows, “Really? With that kind of camera?” Bok Jo asked in surprise. “That baby isn’t cheap! Not a lot of pros use it either.”

“Yeah the only one I could think of that uses that camera all the time is Vante but he’s been on hiatus for almost over a year.” Mina mused and probed at Taehyung’s camera. Taehyung smiled sheepishly and pulled the device closer to his lap. He took it on a whim when he went out, thinking of taking a few pictures to commemorate his first fansign and maybe getting a few pictures of BTS’s members on the way.

The last time he used this camera was almost a year ago when he went to visit his grandma on her birthday. Vante’s last photo was of her strawberry fields and Taehyung hadn’t touched it since. Taking out of its box that was stuffed beneath his bed for over 6 months was progress. This was progress.

Taehyung shrugged and let his lips curve upwards slightly beneath his face mask. “I’ve had it for a while.”

The three women exchanged amused glances just as the venue turned dark. Girls scream assaulted Taehyung ears as his eyes shot forward to stare at the stage to witness the 6 members of BTS walk on stage with smiles and waving hands, mics in their hands. Taehyung gulped nervously as Flashes echoed around him. Soomin, Bok Jo and Mina already set off in taking pictures and Taehyung couldn’t help but gape in amazement. Big eyes wide and a wide boxy grin spread across his face as he raises his own camera and took his first picture of 6 smiling men that he has loved and looked up since their debut all those years ago.

The fans begin their fanchant and the boys laugh with bright smiles. Kim Namjoon hair is dark brown and slicked back softly as he greets the crowd, a big smile showing off his dimples. Taehyung can faintly hear faint buzzing in his ears as the crown and noise blend all together. He stares and stares and raises his camera once more, taking picture after picture. Jimin and Hoseok laugh at Seokjin’s joke and wander off to sit down at the table for all 6 members. Yoongi and Jimin shuffle after them with Jungkook in toe, poking the cotton haired elder with a cheeky smile. Picture after picture of grinning boys and bright eyes.

Soomin suddenly leans into Taehyung’s field of vision with glinting eyes. “You are natural.”

With a start he realized that most of the fansite masters have put their cameras down, waiting for the boys to be seated once more and for the event to begin. Taehyung capped his lens with an awkward laugh. “It’s been a while since I’ve taken so many photos.”

“Those are some high-quality ones too.” Bok Joe whistled and slapped him on the back. “Welcome to the family, kid!”

Mina smiled at him over her head with an approving nod and Taehyung felt a feeling he hadn’t felt for a long time bloom in his chest. At this moment he truly felt grateful for Holly sending him those tickets.

Jeon Jungkook was smiling at the fangirl sitting across from him. Her bright pink dyed hair is similar to Jimin’s hair currently suited her well as she gushed to him about her day. The fan signing began without any problems and Jungkook breezed through one signed album and another short conversation quickly enough. Female faces blurred together in a flurry of colours. A break appeared and he waved, smiled and posed for the fansites in the front row while Jimin poked and pulled at Jungkook’s hair, entertaining the crowd.

It was BTS’s first fansign promoting their new album “WINGS”, before their scheduled world tour. To say Jungkook wasn’t excited was an understatement. A week has passed since his mental breakdown in the dorm and to combat against it Jungkook threw himself into practice. His bandmates dragged him away from the dance studio to play games, watch movies, and even play board games once they noticed. All the attention eventually made him antsy so he declined Jimin’s offer to play a video game with him yesterday, instead choosing to bundle up in his bed and watch youtube videos. Namjoon took him aside this morning with a soft gaze. “Gguk, no overworking till you drop okay?”

Jungkook nodded and while all the members played and joked with the makeup artists running around, he drew in his sketchbook instead. Yoongi probed him with his leg when he was applying the finishing touch, “That looks great Jungkook-ah.”

The rappers hair was dark with blue streaks and his gaze was sleepy. Jungkook grinned at the other, “Thanks, hyung.”

He could handle being around the members but sometimes he needed his space. His social battery needed recharging, especially before a fansign.

Jungkook waved goodbye to the pink haired girl, briefly looking down to fix his shirt as the next person sat down in front of him.

“Hello.” A surprisingly deep voice said. Jungkook looked up in surprise. It wasn’t often they saw male fans, especially at a fansign. The boy seemed to be the same height as Jungkook, dark hair hidden in a hat and a face mask covering his lower half. The fan’s eyes, on the other hand, Jungkook could see clearly: One monolid and the other no, dark and big. He found them fascinating.

“Hello,” Jungkook said just as softly, a smile blooming across his face. The male stared at him and then shook his head with eyes crinkling at the sides. The boy was smiling and Jungkook was endeared. “Hi.”

Jungkook laughed at the second greeting, “What’s your name?”

“Taehyung.” The male replied, his voice breathy and low. Jungkook found it oddly appealing his voice. He had never heard such a timbre before.

“Hello Taehyung, I’m Jungkook.”

“I know.”

Jungkook’s lips twitched in a cheeky smile and he pulled the album Taehyung was holding in his hands closer to his side of the table, flipping through the pages and pen in hand. He noted that Taehyung had really nice hands and long fingers.

“First time at a fansign?” Jungkook continued, peaking to see Taehyung staring at the album. The male jerked upwards, eyes wide and nodded quickly.

“First time everything. I’ve never gone to any event or concert actually.” Taehyung murmured, voice soft but reaching Jungkook’s ears perfectly clear in the crowded hall. Taehyung smiled beneath the face mask again, eyes crinkling. “I’ve been BTS’s fan since debut.”

Jungkook grinned in response and leaned forward, chin in hand. “What’s your favourite song?”

Taehyung laughed. No, he giggled and Jungkook was captivated. “I can’t choose.”

“What do you listen most to then?”

Taehyung seemed to think for a moment while looking upwards at the ceiling with a hum. His gaze met Jungkook’s amused one. “Whalien 52 and Jump.”

“Damn those are old.”

Taehyung laughed once more, now a deep and genuine big guffaw. “No, they aren’t.”

Jungkook began to write in the album, taking his time and scribbling a drawing. His eyes glinted as he leaned even farther forward. “Bias?”

Taehyung leaned forward too. His eyes were a shade of deep caramel. “Shouldn’t I be asking the questions, Jungkook-ah?”

Jungkook felt a jolt of surprise at the drop of honorifics but accepted it. He didn’t know how old the other was but he seemed close to his age. He grinned in response. “You seemed kind of nervous.”

“Anyone one would be.” Taehyung mumbled, gaze dropping to stare at his lap. “I’ve been hearing your music for ages and I’ve followed you since debut…You guys mean a lot to me.” He looked up at the last statement, eyes honest and big and full of an emotion Jungkook didn’t know to describe. He often heard from fans how much BTS’s music meant to them. The idolt couldn’t help but appreciate their fans more each time he heard it. Seeing Taehyung’s eyes reflecting a look he saw each day in the mirror made him understand that their music was more than just songs to the fan.

Jungkook noticed one of the staff members out of the corner of his eyes motioning the line to move forward but he ignored them and kept his gaze on the other. Jungkook added another sentence to Taehyung’s album. “Taehyung-“

“Hyung.” The other interrupted with a cheeky raise of his brow. They were dark and bushy, fitting the males face nicely. His veiny hands were hidden under the table and Jungkook leaned forward again, motioning for the other to lean in as well before whispering in Taehyung’s ear.

“Tae-Hyung, can I see your face?”

Taehyung looked at Jungkook with surprised eyes. Their faces were close and Jungkook could hear Taehyung’s breath through the face mask. Maybe calling the other by a nickname was too much but Jungkook didn’t regret blurting it out. It sounded natural on his tongue, the others name. Suddenly one hand appeared and tugged down the black material, revealing a rectangular and slightly bashful smile.

Jungkook eyes widened and he breathed out a tiny, “Wow.”

Taehyung’s cheeks grew tinted and he laughed, standing up to move on. The male’s beauty caught the idol off guard and he couldn’t help his surprised reaction. Jungkook often met fans who were ashamed of their own appearance and hid their faces away from the members at fansigns. He always tried to make those fans as comfortable as he could and to not to be frightened to show their appearance to him. Often their shyness was for nothing: their fans were perfect as they were. But he had never seen a fan with the face of a model, or even an idol himself.

Jungkook grabbed the others hand and pushed the album into the male's grip. “Thank you, Tae-Hyung. I hope I see you again.” He squeezed the others hand, lacing their fingers. The male made him surprisingly comfortable and he spoke to him in ease. “Maybe next time without the face mask.”

Taehyung grinned with bright eyes and squeezed back before letting go and waving. Jungkook’s hand suddenly felt weird without Taehyung’s hand in his grip.

“No Jungkookie, Thank you.”

Jimin leaned into Jungkook’s side once Taehyung left with a curious gaze, “You’ve been talking to him more than 5 minutes. Everything ok?”

Jungkook could only stare at the retreating male figure and think that the “Thank you” Taehyung meant was more than just for the signing. He looked back at his older bandmate and grinned. “Never better.”

#I purple you not #taekook social media au #My writing #( ;my writing)#bts au #bts fanfic #fanfiction

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not-tryin-2-have-a-debate · 5 years

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Not to complain abt lateral aggression online but you know that cycle of transphobic women severely misunderstanding the experience of trans men and their complicated relationship with misogyny despite not being women but then also trans men severely misunderstanding misogyny becuase of their complicated experience with having to deal with the fallout of it despite not being women

Yknow that circling piss pool

It seems like whenever i see a discussion of misogyny and like...how children are taught to live under and emulate it. Theres this disgusting mess of transphobes and terfs extrapolating reality out to their theories on "socialization"...but then there are also like 20 transmasc weirdos who are like trying to distance themselves from it and end up essentially saying misogyny or the aspect of it being discussed is fake and all these women are lying bc 'well I grew up as a gurl and it wasnt like that for ME' as if 1. Feeling disconnected from being a girl because you werent one had No Effect on how you viewed girls and how you were treated bc people assumed you were a girl??? Are you fucking sure????? 2.just like...lol at men thinking its progressive and good for them to deny misogyny generally? Lol @ men trying to distance themselves from their role in misogyny...especially men you would expect to have more compassion since they were like a mistakeb target of it...but nope! That just becomes a new excuse to say they cant do a misogyny that goes largely unchecked

Like....if you are aware that your trans or your not

A starting point is feeling a kind of disconnect from the group youre "meant" to be part of

When that group is women, youre inevitably going to also be disconnected in some way from the pain that comes from misogyny, bc on sone level it doesnt feel "meant for" you. Thats someone elses experience. When it happens to you its a mistake.

But then when these discussions come up now were "generalizing". It becomes "oh well this didnt happen with me, one example of a person, and furthermore a person who WAS NOT A WOMAN, so therefore you argument that x is a societal problem is bunk i guess" and its.....just.....So...like peak boy logic idk

When my brother came out so many things immediately made sense for better and for worse. For worse in that i realized why he never fucking helped with chores, he didnt seem to feel any empathy for my mom having to do everything for him, and i had to pick up the slack. It made sense that i didnt have an older sister, and it made sense that all that shit about the plight of the oldest daughter had always made me so like actively angry because it was the opposite of what i thought was my experience. But actually, I was the oldest daughter...for however much of a girl i am yknow but. Different convo.

Biological sex isnt a thing and there isnt really some deeply ingrained set of gender genes ir whatever. Its just feelings. But when youre born into a binary culture where you learn even subconsciously that x is how women should be and z is how men should be...when you dont idebtify with women, you dont idebtify with x. You tend to go toward z bc thats the only other option youve been given.

So even if x is expexted of you, its like completely expected for youre behavior to start shifting before you come out. A lot of people relate to that either bc they were realizing who they were or becoming more comfortable with being that way outwardly. Its not a negative thing. But when were talking abt being a guy...an unavoidable part of that list of guy thongs is misogyny. And entitlement. And sadly the transphobia these men face seems to push them into like grabbing onto these parts ofbbeing a man a lot stronger, and using their unique perspectivw and """insider info""" on what its like to be a woman (even though...again...they arent...so um...) as a tool to discredit them

this is really messy and like Ironically PMSing phone complaining and im sorry but like ohhh my god it annoys me so god damn much. boys annoy me it especially annoys me bc that boy is like saying its transmisogynist to talk abt an actual aspect of misogyny. whne like...no...trans girls are also victims of this. these expectations of women effect them as misogyny. directly. its so fucking stupid like yes a terf can will and often does take real issues and conspiracy theory connect them to making it trans women’s faults...but that isnt the same thing as trying to talk abt the misogyny faced by all women. like. obviously. and a man getting holier than thou abt it and trying to shut down that discussion as something transphobic makes me want to pull my hair out.

this is probably rude but it comes off like he’s trying to make it about him when its not. like ‘this is transmisogynist which is a kind of transphobia and that effect ME!!!” when in reality he’s just...a man complaining that women are talking about their own oppression. it isnt misogynist to talk abt fucking misogyny

and at the end of the day the thing being talked about was the INCREDIBLY WELL KNOWN IDEA that women are specifically put-upon by men and society at large. that women have to do all this extra shit just to exist, then more to not be ostracized, then more that the ‘normal’ expected amount of work that ‘everyone’ has to pitch in, then ‘’’women’s work,’’’then more to keep the men around them from falling to pieces and throwing temper tantrums...and after women do and have done all that, for thousands of years all around the world, we’re still the weak and lazy and simple and childlike ones that have to be protected by manly man who, as we all know, totally do All of The Work. that not being the experience in your family doesn’t make it suddenly dissappear. that not being your experience as a woman, because you AREN’T a woman, doesnt....make women’s experiences...different. but im just gonna unfollow that person and hope someday theyll learn ad well all go about our days bc it would be too much of an unneccessary and pointless effort for me to argue with a man about how women apparently don’t have to put tons of unneccessary pointless effort into dealing with and placating men and how saying so, apparently, hurts women?????? Ok

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