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#im so excited to see more if they do continue..
stevie-petey · 2 days
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episode five: the flayed
Slowly Steve aims away, the sound trickling against another wall now, and you share a disgusted look with Robin. With a sigh, she squeezes your hand. “If we make it out of here alive, I promise I’ll throw you the best birthday party ever.” “I don’t know, I think Steve peeing five feet away from me will be pretty hard to beat.”
Summary: you have the worst birthday of your life, you almost strangle steve with your bare hands and then later get snot all over him, erica is your savior, dustin is doing his best, robin starts to suspect things, and the russians have opened a gate to the upside down. its all pretty miserable tbh. but hey ! at least steve won a fight !
Rating: general, some swearing
Warnings: fem!reader, use of y/n, violence, cursing
Words: 7.2k
Before you swing in: hi loves !! chapter five we get some more insight into bug and her very anxious mind. shes just a stressed out gal. bless her. anyways, bug aside im so so so excited to get to chapter 6. i have so many plans for her <3 but !!! for now pls enjoy chapter 5 and more chaotic steve n bug ;)
-
Everyone is screaming as you all fall. 
You lost your stomach about a hundred feet ago. 
Steve clings onto you, his chest sturdy behind you as your arms tighten around the kids. Their screams are deafening; you know that you’re screaming too, but the pounding in your head rings in your ears and drowns out their fear.
“We’re going down!” Steve screeches, arms now even tighter around you as he braces his back against the wall.
“No shit Harrington!” Robin is on the opposite wall.
Your nails dig into Steve’s arms, both from panic and from anger. “I fucking told you!”
As you scream at the teen, Erica and Dustin pry apart from you and run over to the vault’s buttons. They begin to argue, the rush of the room’s falling almost makes it hard to hear what they’re saying, but you know they’re freaking out just like everyone else. 
“Push the button!” You hear Erica yell at your brother, and he turns to her with pure melodrama to screech back at her, “What do you think I’m doing?”
Steve pulls you further into his chest as he screams at the kids. “Press something! Just press the button!” 
It’s a mess, the room fills with more screaming as everyone argues and pushes against one another in futile attempts to prevent the vault from plummeting even further. Your nails dig further into Steve’s arms and you close your eyes, too numb with fear to do anything else. 
Then, suddenly, everything stops. 
The room comes to a halt, you’re no longer plummeting to imminent death, and everyone crashes against the wall or ground while a giant box lands on you and Steve. 
He takes the brunt of the damage, the box having fallen from behind him, but the impact is enough to send you crashing to the ground with your elbow catching against the side of the shelf the box had come from. Groaning, your knee shoves into Steve’s body, causing him to wheeze in pain. “My groin, you’re on my groin.”
You ignore him and get up, not offering your hand to him, and make sure Dustin and everyone else is okay. Seeing your stoic manner, Steve groans. “A little help here, anyone?”
Again you ignore him and make your way further into the room and stand there, slowly coming to the realization of what’s happened. Your limbs feel heavy, your head is pounding, and you’re locked in an apparent elevator made by Russians after falling hundreds of feet below Starcourt. 
“Is everyone okay?” Robin hesitantly asks after Dustin has helped Steve up from the ground. 
“Fine,” you rasp out, body still in shock. 
Steve’s body is in its own state of shock as he starts to freak out yet again. “Yeah, I’m great, now that I know that Russians can’t design elevators!”
He shoves past Dustin and starts to jab at the buttons once more, but it’s no use. Robin tries to stop him, but Steve continues to press the buttons repeatedly anyways. He’s frantic, his eyes wide an wild with fear, and you stand in the corner as watch as he starts to realize himself just how fucked the five of you are in the current situation. 
After days of ignoring the possible danger, it’s now glaring in his face, and Steve becomes even more frantic when he notices that you’re still standing behind everyone, silent. 
He’s fucked up. 
“It’s an electronic lock.” Robin starts to explain, and you listen silently. “Same as the loading dock door. If we don’t have a keycard, it won’t operate, meaning–”
“We’re stuck in here.” Dustin announces, already having figured it out himself. 
The pounding in your head intensifies at your brother’s words as fear claws its way into your throat. You’ve spent the last two days pleading with everyone to listen to you, to be cautious and not go in over your heads about the Russians, and yet here you are: locked in a fucking elevator with Steve looking at you with utter guilt. 
You had been right the entire time. 
And yet no one bothered to believe you. 
As Erica announces to the group that if she isn’t back by uncle Jack’s party tomorrow then her mom will ransack the town to find her and Steve yells at her about how he doesn’t care about the party if you all end up dead in the Russian elevator, a defeated and deranged laugh begins to swell from your chest before it forms into complete hysterics. 
The laughs fall from your mouth in a frantic manner, and everyone slowly turns to look at you. Erica doesn’t understand what’s going on, though Steve, Dustin, and Robin share horrified looks; they all know that you’ve officially crossed the line that separates anger from insanity.
“Dead in a Russian elevator, huh?” You manage to bitterly spit out in between bouts of laughter. There are tears in your eyes, though no one is sure if they’re from laughing or anger or despair. “God, Harrington, you really fucked up.”
You’re practically wheezing now from laughing so hard, hunched over as the action takes over your entire body. You had been right, and yet you’re now stuck in an elevator with Lucas’ little sister and your own brother, responsible for their lives even though you’ve never asked to be. Ever. 
Steve tugs at his hair, just as overwhelmed as you are. He’s terrified of what he’s dragged you into, and he’s even more terrified that he was the asshole who refused to listen to you. Defensive, he throws his hands up in the air in defeat. “Why would you even listen to me? I mean, I’ve never been right a day in my life!”
“Oh, so this is all my fault?” Your body manages to move towards him, now standing toe to toe as you sneer in his face.
The laughter is now gone. 
“You’re the one who let me continue this stupid Russian adventure–”
“I begged you to listen to me, but you refused to!”
Steve lets out his own deranged laugh. “How was I supposed to know we’d end up in a goddamn elevator of death?”
“God, how hard is it for you to admit that I was right?” Your fists shake as they clench against your side, your voice is raw from screaming. “Would it fucking kill you to admit that maybe I’m not just some pathetic people pleaser and that I actually know what I’m talking about–”
“Guys!” Dustin shoves the two of you apart, afraid that you’ll tear Steve’s eyes out any second. He points up, gathering everyone’s attention again, and reveals an opening in the elevator’s ceiling. “What if we climbed out?”
Hope sparks in your chest when you see the opening and you’re the first to shove past Steve and the others and start climbing up the boxes to get to it. Dustin follows, then Steve, and when the three of you climb up and out of the elevator, the small spark of hope in your chest quickly vanishes when you look up and see the hundreds of feet the elevator has fallen. 
“What were you saying about climbing?” Steve’s voice echoes off of the walls surrounding the elevator. They’re smooth, pure metal and infrastructure, and you swallow down tears. 
There’s no way any of you can possibly climb up them. You’re stuck. 
Admittedly, Dustin handles this realization a lot better than you do. He immediately starts to come up with another plan, he has his radio, he can call for help, and as he comes up with new ways to reignite the hope with Steve, you wordlessly descend back down into the elevator. You don’t spare the two boys another glance as you leave, too emotionally exhausted and still shaking from the waves of guilt and anxiety that plague you. 
After you’ve silently left, Dustin turns to Steve. He feels just as awful as the teen, they both failed to listen to you, and now they’re left with your stoic anger that leaves them both feeling raw. “We fucked up, man.”
“She needs us right now,” Steve claps his hand against the boy’s back, his words strong but voice frail. “Let’s go.”
They climb back down into the elevator as well and find you, Robin, and Erica all sitting against the walls, silent. You must’ve already told the girls what the three of you found above. There’s nothing you guys can do now besides wait for whatever comes next, even Dustin can recognize that.
Your knees are drawn into your chest, your chin rests against them as you sit alone at one wall, and Steve doesn’t think he’s ever seen you so small before. Sighing, he looks at Dustin, who gives him a nod to wish him luck, before he makes his way over to you and sits down. You don’t react to Steve’s presence besides allowing your head to fall against his shoulder, and it’s enough to calm the relentless remorse he feels within him. 
No one speaks for a while.
The hours pass, the room silent as you all realize what the fuck you’ve gotten yourselves into. 
– 
You’re not sure how much time passes by, the walls within the elevator block out all possible sunlight, but eventually you figure it’s well into the night. After the initial shock had worn off, Dustin, Robin, and Erica had sat closer together and tried distracting themselves with sleep while you sat against the wall with Steve; your head never leaves his shoulder, and neither of you talk.
However, by what you figure is hour five, you desperately need air. You can’t sleep, the walls have started to close in around you once more, so you stand up, side step your sleeping brother, and climb up to the top of the elevator once more. 
Steve follows you; he always follows. 
He finds you sitting at the edge of the elevator, feet dangling over the ledge with your shoulders drawn in. Slowly he approaches you and sits down next to you, shoulder to shoulder, thigh pressed against thigh. You don’t say anything, and Steve again feels horrible for not listening to you earlier; he knows that for once it has to be him that is strong enough for the two of you.
“Talk to me,” Steve breathes out, pleading. It’s just you and him now, one one else, away from prying eyes. You’re safe with him, you will always be safe with him, but he needs to hear your voice and bring color back to your cheeks. “Please.”
Hearing the desperation in his voice, knowing that Steve has never once meant you any harm, that he’s just as scared and alone as you are, you finally break.
You throw yourself into Steve’s arms and sob. The tears come all at once, there is no build up. The moment you are in his embrace, the moment your ear presses against his chest and you hear his heartbeat, the tears come.
“I hate that I always end up here,” you cry into his chest, all that you’ve swallowed down now comes spiraling out of you. “I’m just–I’m so fucking frustrated. I–I keep doing this to Dustin, he’s always in danger because of me.”
Your voice hitches as your breath stutters. There’s more that you want to say, the guilt that has haunted you since Will biked home that fateful night swells within you, but your tears prevent you from voicing any of it. “I–I’m supposed to keep everyone safe but–God, it’s hard when no one listens to me. No one ever listens to me.”
You were supposed to listen to me.
Though you don’t say it, Steve hears it anyway. 
He’s silent through it all, frightened and aching, knowing you keep so much within you. Steve has never seen you cry before, he’s never seen you break like this, and he despises himself for being the reason why. 
Another miserable sob escapes you and all Steve can do is pull you in closer, furious at the world for the fact that he cannot fit you into his chest where he can keep you safe behind his ribcage, next to his heart.
You cling onto Steve and allow the last few years you’ve carried on your shoulders to finally crush you. “I just feel so useless–how can I…” you sniffle, try to steady your breathing as the words on your tongue terrify you. “How–how can I love if I can’t–I have to protect everyone.”
Your voice breaks once more and Steve allows you to take all the time you need. He continues to hold you through it, he presses soft kisses to your face, lips wet from your tears, he plays with your hair, he does whatever he can to engrave his apology into your body.
“I’m so stupid,” you pull away now, the tears slowing and embarrassment creeping through. You’re overwhelmed with your debilitating need to protect the ones you love, as if you cannot love someone if you cannot save them, and you know it’s stupid and immature to believe such things. As the exhaustion sinks into your body, you realize with a start what day has creeped upon you while in the elevator.
It’s July third. 
With Steve looking down at you with a sinful guilt in his eyes, you wipe your own eyes and laugh pathetically at your realization. “This entire situation is stupid. It’s my seventeenth birthday and I’m stuck in a fucking death elevator.”
Steve’s arms tighten around you and he draws in a quick breath at your words. It’s your birthday. He had thought he couldn’t feel worse about what he dragged you into, but he had been wrong. You should be in your room right now, tucked away from danger, celebrating the first moments of your birthday with Steve crawling through your window with the gift he worked so hard to convince the party to help with. 
Instead, you’re crying in Steve’s arms with imminent death looming over you because of him, and he thinks he’s never felt tears as heavy as yours. 
“I’m sorry,” he gently lifts your chin with the same finger that has caressed your face a million times. The soft gesture makes you weak, and when your eyes meet Steve’s, he brings his lips down upon your forehead. He lingers, his lips are rough but familiar, and there’s more he wants to say. The words build within him, all the apologies, but he knows they’d fall on deaf ears. You’re exhausted, you’ve revealed more to him tonight than you ever have before, and he knows the vulnerability stabs at you viciously,
Instead, Steve kisses your cheek next, then your other cheek, then the tip of your nose, your chin, your eyebrows, anywhere his lips can reach, and the action causes a small giggle to blossom within you. Hearing the sound he loves so much, Steve smiles. “Happy birthday, angel.”
Your hand comes up to his face, and though a part of you warms at what Steve has said, another part of you aches. Jonathan has always been the first person to wish you a happy birthday, a tradition from when you were kids and snuck into each other’s windows the second the clock struck midnight. Now Jonathan is gone and Nancy is angry and you’re tired of it all. With a bittersweet smile, you cup Steve’s cheek in the palm of your hand. “Thank you, honey.”
The world stills between the two of you for a brief moment, his face in your hand and your heart in his arms. It’s reminiscent of earlier in the breakroom, the uncertainty that drapes over you and Steve while the certainty secures you both to each other. 
It isn’t perfect, Steve’s uncertainty has hurt you, but he holds you with a certainty that makes you believe that somehow the two of you will make it out of this alive, together. He nuzzles his face into your palm as if he physically needs to be closer to you, and it settles something that stirs in your chest.
Exhaling, you rest your head in the crook of Steve’s neck and curl into him. He pulls you in closer, as he’s always done, and eventually you fall asleep, exhausted from everything.
Steve isn’t sure how long you sleep in his arms, his muscles ache from holding you, but he accepts the burn as punishment for the hurt he’s caused you. He sits there, staring at the metal walls, and falls asleep himself.
– 
You wake up to Dustin trying to contact someone on his radio. His annoyingly loud voice causes you to groan in annoyance, you’re warm, comfortable, and had been dreaming about something that left your chest feeling light. 
“Code red, I repeat, code red. Does anyone copy?”
Rolling over, a pair of arms hold you near a sturdy body, and you remember now that you fell asleep in Steve’s arms. Burying your face deeper into his chest, you groan again. “Make him shut up.”
“Good morning to you too, Y/N.” Dustin kicks your sneaker before going back to his radio. “This is a code red, I repeat, a code red. Does anyone copy?”
Steve sighs, sounding just as tired as you feel. “The kid has been at this for the last hour or so. Woke me up, too.”
You hear Dustin’s footsteps as he paces. “We are innocent children and we are trapped under Starcourt Mall. The Red Army has infiltrated Hawkins.”
“‘The Red Army’ is dramatic.” You mumble, still mourning that you’ve been woken up.
Dustin ignores you. “If we are found, they will torture and kill us.”
“How peachy.”
Steve snaps his fingers at your brother, motioning for him to shut up. “Hey, you gotta take it easy on that thing. Gonna drain the battery.”
“That’s what we’re worried about right now?”
“Go back to sleep, Y/N.” Dustin kicks your sneaker again with a scoff. “The mall just opened, so someone could be in range.”
Steve rolls his eyes. “What, you think Petey the Mall Cop is gonna rappel down here and save the day?”
You give a thumbs up to what the teen has just said. “‘Rappel’, good word choice there.”
“Alright, why are you two such cranky pants after getting to spend the night together?” Dustin asks, off put by your snarkiness. He knows you’ve never really been a morning person, but your face is still buried in Steve’s chest and you haven’t looked at Dustin since waking up. 
“Shut up, Dustin.” You and Steve say at the same time, both too drained to entertain his usual teasing.
Your brother sighs and changes the subject. “I heard you guys talking all night, did you at least figure out a way out of here?” 
You shift in Steve’s arms, now uncomfortable. Neither of you had talked about what to do next, for once you had been selfish and put yourself first, allowing yourself to cry. Sensing the brewing guilt, Steve covers for you both. “No, we’re still exactly nowhere, which is, ya know, probably just a little bit of the reason why we’re feeling just a tad cranky.”
“What he said,” you hide a smile in Steve’s chest, but he feels it anyways.
Then, because he’s Steve and is physically incapable of allowing you a moment of peace, he taps your shoulder. “Hey, uh. Not to ruin this, but can you get up so I can pee?” 
“Here?” You and Dustin exclaim in unison, both of you equally disgusted. 
“Well where else am I supposed to go?”
“Ugh,” you wrinkle your nose and get up, hating that Steve has a point. However, rather than stay and watch the guy pee, you decide to leave and check up on Erica and Robin. You’ve been up here long enough, anyways. “Keep your body fluids away from me.”
As you climb down, you hear Steve screaming at Dustin to turn away as your brother wishes you a happy birthday. 
They’re such idiots sometimes. 
“Did I just hear Dustin screech about someone’s birthday?” Robin asks you as you jump down the last box and join her side. She’s in front of the elevator’s panel, inspecting the buttons.
You wince, not liking the reminder of what today is. “It’s… my birthday.”
Robin gasps and grabs at your hand. “Is it actually? Oh my God–” She’s cut off by the sound of liquid splattering against a wall, and with horror the two of you realize that it’s Steve’s piss. Making a face, the girl calls out, “Can you redirect your stream, please?”
Slowly Steve aims away, the sound trickling against another wall now, and you share a disgusted look with Robin. With a sigh, she squeezes your hand. “If we make it out of here alive, I promise I’ll throw you the best birthday party ever.”
“I don’t know, I think Steve peeing five feet away from me will be pretty hard to beat.”
Robin laughs and you feel okay for a moment, enjoying the small respite, before the sound of glass banging against metal catches your attention. Turning around, you find Erica slamming one of the vials of liquid against the bars, and immediately you and Robin run to stop her. 
“Hey, be careful!” Robin snatches the cylinder from the girl and tosses it to you for safekeeping. “We don’t even know what that is.”
“Exactly, it could be useful.” Erica argues. 
You hold the vial up high so that she can’t reach; you know the Sinclairs, they’re speedy little devils. “Please elaborate.”
“We can survive down here a long time without food,” Erica jumps and tries to grab what you’ve taken, but you only hold the liquid further out of her reach. “But if the human body doesn’t get water, it will die.”
You’re momentarily impressed by the girl’s survival knowledge, but Robin is undeterred. “I hate to break it to you, but this is not water.”
“No, but it’s a liquid, and if it comes down to me drinking that shit or dying of thirst, I drink.”
“You are fascinating,” you breathe out, both terrified and in awe. As you stare at Erica in wonder, Robin seems to hear something and leaves your side to press her ear against the opposite wall. Frowning, you join her. “What is it?”
“Listen.”
You do as you’re told and press your own ear against the wall, and it only takes you a second to hear it too. Mechanical whirling, the same sound that you heard last night before all the walls in the elevator came crashing down and trapped you. “Shit.”
Robin nods grimly. “You get Erica while I warn the boys.”
Within a minute you’ve helped Erica climb the top of the elevator as you all hide up there. No sooner than when you’ve closed the roof’s opening, one side of the metal wall begins to open and the footsteps of men can be heard. 
Through the grates, you and Steve hunch over as you watch two men walk into the elevator. They’re big, dressed in a bizarre uniform, and one of them is smoking. They talk about something, their words are terse, and for a moment you worry they’ve figured out that you’re hidden above, but eventually they grab a few boxes and make their way outside. 
As the men move back and forth below you, grabbing more and more boxes, you look up at Steve and find him staring at the green liquid you still have in your hands. During the frantic rush to get Erica to safety, you had forgotten to set the chemicals down. His eyes narrow slightly, as if asking you if you’re thinking what he is, and distantly you remember how much force the cylinder seemed to be able to withstand when Erica was slamming it.
If you truly are on the same page as Steve, then it’s a fucking risky plan, but it’s the only chance you have. 
You hand the vial to him and nod, silently urging him to be safe. Then, you turn to the others and risk whispering what you and Steve have thought of. He keeps watch, hand on the small of your back to indicate to you when to stop talking, and soon the plan is formed. 
The moment the Russian men have left the elevator, Steve quickly jumps down from the roof and slides the chemicals underneath the rapidly closing door. You watch nervously, and when the cylinder miraculously holds up against the metal door, you exhale in relief. Steve waves for you and everyone else to jump down as well. “Let’s go!”
You jump down first and slide Erica’s backpack over to Steve before helping her down. Once she successfully slides under the door, you help Dustin down next. The glass starts to splinter under the pressure, the sound of it creaking fills you with dread, but you push the fear down and help Robin next. “Go, go, go!”
When it’s your turn, you hold your breath and will yourself to slide underneath the door to join the others. As you go under, you see the glass start to splinter even more, and you quickly roll onto your stomach and frantically wave at Steve. “Steve, you need to hurry!”
He scrambles underneath the door and only just manages to narrowly escape as the door comes slamming down. Steve instinctively covers you with his body as the glass from the vial shatters, and when you look up and see the green liquid now sizzling as it burns through the concrete floor, you shudder. “You guys see that too, right?”
“Jesus Christ.” Steve stands up and offers you his hand as he inspects the liquid’s damage.
Erica, Robin, and Dustin step forward now too, and the five of you peer over the liquid as it oozes and bubbles, melting everything it touches. You shudder again, you can’t believe that there were boxes full of it surrounding you earlier. 
“You still wanna drink that?” Robin turns Erica, smirking. 
“You guys think it’d be like drinking lava?” You ask the group, and everyone shakes their heads at you. Adrenaline is still coursing through you, your head feels woozy from lack of sleep and water, and you think you’re slowly losing your mind. 
Meanwhile Dustin turns away from you, and when he sees what surrounds you all, his heart drops. “Holy mother of God.”
Turning around, your heart drops as well. There’s a giant hallway that faces you, blue lights illuminating it, and it stretches deep into the abyss. You realize, now, that the elevator had been only the beginning. As you stare down the endless hallway, its length reminiscent of the tunnels you almost died in last year, it hits you that you’ve truly stumbled upon something horrible. 
The Russians have been here a long, long time if they were able to build such a vast and complex underground facility. 
And now you’re trapped within it, with nothing but your knives to keep you and everyone else safe. 
“Well, hope you guys are in good shape.” Steve’s voice breaks you from your thoughts. He pats Dustin’s shoulder and starts to lead the way. “Looking at you, roast beef.”
Unamused with the insult directed at your brother and still angry at the teen for dragging you into this mess in the first place, you trip Steve. He stumbles and only just barely manages to catch himself, which everyone snickers at and Dustin high fives you.
With a sigh, Steve grabs your hand and beckons for everyone to follow. “Let’s go, guys.”
– 
It’s a goddamn long walk. 
You’re miserable. 
It’s hot, you’re covered in sweat and grime, you're starving, and this is officially the worst birthday ever. Sure, you’ve never really liked your birthday, but holy fuck you didn’t think it’d be this bad. 
You’re snappier than usual with everyone, which a part of you feels guilty for. Robin tried making conversation in the beginning, but you only responded with curt, one word answers. It truly isn’t her fault, none of this is anyone’s fault, but the anger that simmers within you threatens to boil over and you’re too tired to control it. 
Yet Steve keeps your hand within his and walks by your side, unaffected by your unusual anger. He lets you remain quiet, he doesn’t take offense to your terse responses, and he smiles apologetically at Robin for you because he knows you’d do the same if you were able to; he’s there for you. 
Steve knows how much anger resides within you, and he helps you brave it. 
You love him endlessly for it. 
“You think they built this whole mall so they could transport that green poison?” Steve asks the group as they speculate about why the Russians even built this underground system in the first place. 
“I very seriously doubt it’s something as boring as poison.” Dustin responds, and you scoff at him. 
“Yeah, because poison is boring.”
He looks at you warily and decides not to risk further exasperation. “What I mean is, it’s gotta be much more valuable, like promethium or something.”
“What the hell is promethium?” Steve looks to you, but you only shake your head. Dustin’s the science whiz, not you.
Instead Robin answers him, though her response about some guy named Victor Stone and a cyborg only confuses both you and Steve more. 
“You’re all so nerdy, it makes me physically ill.” Erica cringes with disgust, and her theatrics are hard to resist smiling at. 
“No, no.” Steve interjects. “No, don’t lump me in with them. I’m not a nerd, alright?” 
“Why so sensitive, Harrington?” Robin asks him, smiling at his offense. “Afraid of losing cool points to a ten year old child?”
“He takes his cool points very seriously, Robin.” You now speak up, a slight smile on your face. You’ll never pass up an opportunity to tease Steve. Nudging him with your shoulder, you laugh softly and glance up at him. “Admit it, you’re a nerd.”
If it were anyone else saying this, Steve would adamantly refuse such a notion, but it’s you and you’re finally smiling at him again, so instead he huffs with amusement. “Yeah, alright. Maybe I am, but I still don’t know jack shit about Prometheus.” 
“Promethium,” Dustin corrects. “Prometheus is a Greek mythological figure, but whatever. All I’m saying is, it’s probably being used to make something.” 
“Or power something?” In their eerie fashion, Robin and your brother now seem to once again be on the same page. 
“Like a nuclear weapon?”
“Totally.”
You rub the temples of your head and sigh, your previously brightened mood quickly dims again. “Cool. Nuclear weapons are cool.” 
Robin mumbles a quick sorry to you, she wishes she could change the topic, but there’s a question that’s been on her mind ever since you discovered the Russians. “But if they’re building something, why here? I mean, Hawkins. Seriously, of all places.”
As Robin continues to drone on about how bizarre of a choice Hawkins is, you, Steve, and Dustin all slow down and let her and Erica walk ahead. They don’t notice your guys’ sudden change of pace, and the three of you slowly come together; you know you’re all thinking the same thing. 
The question has been on your mind for a while, too. 
“You think the Russians know?” Dustin finally asks in a lowered voice.
Steve leans forward, his own voice lowered as well. “About–”
“They could.”
“So it’s all connected?”
While the boys whisper to one another, you feel a shiver run through you. Again you remember the sweat that had been on Billy’s brow and how pale he had been. You remember Will’s fearfulness at Weathertop hill, how he had clutched the back of his neck. You remember Mrs. Waters, Jonathan and Nancy, Mrs. Driscoll.
Something isn’t right, and now there’s Russians in Hawkins with a giant maze of high architectural design. 
“It has to be.” You say now. “There’s too much to ignore. “
Dustin frowns at you. “What do you mean? Is there something else?”
“The Upside Down, I think there’s something wrong–”
You’re interrupted by Robin. “I’m sorry, is there something you’d like to share with the class?”
The three of you turn to her, wide eyed and caught, and before you can come up with some excuse to get her off your backs’, Dustin’s radio comes to life as a Russian man’s voice speaks through it. 
“Walkie,” you, Steve, and Dustin say at the same time, running towards where it resides in Erica’s backpack. 
The Russian continues to drone through the walkie’s speakers as Dustin takes it out and Robin extends its antenna. She brings it close to her ear and listens intently, and after a few seconds she starts to speak the language as well, echoing what the man is saying. “It’s the code,” she finally says. 
“Wherever that broadcast is coming from–”
“It’s close.” Robin finishes your brother’s sentence. “And if there’s one thing we know about that signal…”
Dustin’s eyes light up. “It can reach the surface.” 
“We’ll be able to call for help,” you breathe out, hopeful yet reluctant. It’s your only way out, but you also have no idea what lies within these walls. 
“Let’s go!” Robin quickly stands up, plan already formed in her head, and all you can do is follow. 
It doesn’t take long to figure out where the broadcast is coming from. Within a few minutes of walking, the walls begin to narrow and you hear more and more voices up ahead. You can sense that you’re drawing closer to the main area of the underground complex, and the closer you get, the tighter you clutch at your knives. 
You and Steve work together on guiding everyone. He scouts for places to hide while you keep an eye out for any danger. Slowly, the six of you dodge and weave in and out from corners, avoiding Russians. In an odd sense, the routine is familiar and comforting; you and Steve have done this a million times before, the two of you know how to keep the other safe.
As Steve peers over a corner with the rest of you hiding behind him, Robin whispers into your ear. “How are the two of you so good at navigating scary dangerous situations?”
Her question is innocent enough, but you can sense that she’s piecing things together bit by bit. You try to keep your face neutral, not give anything away, and shrug at her. “We make a good team, I guess.” 
Robin gags at this, which you’re thankful for. At least your response got her mind off of things. 
Steve motions for everyone to follow after him once the coast is clear after a few guards have walked past. “Clear, come on, let’s go.”
He moves swiftly as you stay behind and make sure the rest of the group follows. Robin looks nervously at you, feeling vulnerable out in the open. “Okay, that was close.”
“Too close.” Dustin breathes out as he follows her, which you roll your eyes at. You and Steve are doing the best that you can, given the circumstances. If your brother wanted to worry about safety, he should’ve considered it twenty hours ago. 
“Relax,” Steve reassures everyone. “Nobody saw…” His voice trails off as he rounds the corner.
Your jaw drops. It’s worse than you could’ve ever imagined.
In front of you is what you can only imagine is the main hub of the complex. There’s Russians everywhere, some dressed in guard uniforms carrying shotguns, some dressed in lab coats, and others look like glorified red astronauts. 
You’re hopelessly outnumbered, there’s too many of them.
Steve curses and ducks down, pulling everyone with him as he hides behind a cart against the wall. You try to steady your breathing, you grip the back of Dustin’s shirt tightly in your hand. He looks at you in shock. “Red Dawn.”
“Not now,” you close your eyes and breathe in through your nose and exhale out your mouth. “I’m trying really hard not to lose yesterday’s lunch.”
“I saw it. First floor, northwest.” Erica urgently whispers to Steve.
“Saw what?”
“The comms room.”
You whip your head around to face the girl, making your nausea even worse, and Steve can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You saw the comms room?”
“Correct!” Erica leans closer now, the insistence in her voice unwavering. 
Dustin frowns. “Are you sure?”
“Positive,” this is the most sincere you’ve ever seen Erica. “The door was open for a second, and I saw a bunch of lights and machines and shit in there.” 
“That could be a hundred different things.” Dustin says, skeptical.
However, you believe Erica. She’s incredibly pragmatic, she wouldn’t blindly say something that she didn’t believe in. She’s a Sinclair, their morals define them, and Erica’s rant about capitalism and a free market system yesterday only solidifies your theory that she hides away most of her intelligence. “If Erica thinks she saw the comms room, then I believe her.”
She smiles at you gratefully, and Robin nods her head at the two of you. “If Y/N is on board, then I’ll take those odds.” 
Steve stares at you, studies your face and your demeanor, and when he sees the set clench of your jaw and the determination in your eyes, he knows he trusts whatever call you make. He pokes his head out from behind the cart, the five of you mimic him, and even though you’re firm in your stance to follow Erica’s gut, it still strikes terror within you when you see once again how many guards there are.
Sighing tiredly, Steve faces the group. “We’re gonna move fast, we’re gonna stay low. Okay?”
You nod at him. “Good luck.”
Steve smiles at you, nerves now calmed, and starts to guide everyone. He masterfully weaves in and out corners, ducks behind carts when someone walks past, and for a brief moment you’re in awe of him. He’s grown so much since that night at Jonathan’s, when he had run away the second things got too intense, and now he’s the one leading. 
When he opens the door to the comms room, you’re almost overwhelmed with how proud you are of Steve. Then, naturally, as soon as everyone is inside, you turn around and come face to face with a very confused Russian guard. 
And Steve has locked you in a room with him.
Everyone freezes, unsure what to do.
“Nice, Steve.” You sneer at him. 
He looks at you incredulously. “Is now really the time?”
As you mock Steve, the Russian guard starts to reach for the gun at his side. Seeing this, you whip your knives out and display them to the man, the blades glint in the room’s red light. He narrows his eyes at you and tightens his grip on his own weapon, and for a moment you fear that you really will have to use your switchblade. 
However, Robin is quick on her feet and puts her hand up to lower your knives. She starts speaking Russian in hopes of calming the guard down, and it seems to work at first, but when the guard starts speaking back to her, Robin’s plan quickly crumbles; it’s painfully obvious that she doesn’t speak the language. 
The guard reaches for his gun once more, and before you can use your knives, Steve lets out a loud yell and throws himself at the guy, taking him by surprise. 
“Steve!” You find yourself screaming, it’s instinctual. 
For a moment all you can do is stand there and watch, stunned. The two men begin to fight, fists hitting skin as they shove one another, and you have just enough awareness to keep your knives raised in case you need to step in and help. You know Steve’s track record, yet as the fight progresses, you become less and less fearful for him. He’s holding his own surprisingly well.
Steve jabs his elbow into the guard’s stomach before grabbing a nearby intercom phone and slams it into the guy’s head. He falls, hard, onto the electric panel and hits the side of his head against it even harder. 
The moment he lands on the ground, the Russian guard is out cold. 
Panting, Steve stands over him and fixes his hair. You and Dustin exchange surprised looks, both of you ecstatic; Steve won.
“Dude!” Dustin exclaims with glee in his voice. “You won a fight!”
“It’s a miracle,” you breathe out in awe, now at Steve’s side as you check for any injuries. He preens at your attention, his eyes glow, and you can’t help but kiss his check. “Good job, honey.”
“Okay, okay, break it up.” Dustin shoves you away from Steve and then crouches next to the guard’s body, unhooking the keys from his belt loop. You roll your eyes at him while Erica questions what he’s doing. Over his shoulder, he responds, “Getting us our ticket out of here.”
Erica scoffs. “You want to walk all the way back?” 
“Well, we can hang out for a little bit, relax, have a picnic maybe.”
“Have a picnic? We came here for the radio.”
The kids start to argue, but you don’t intervene. Instead, you fix Steve’s hair with your fingers and gently grab his face, moving it around to make sure he isn’t hurt. His skin is still smooth, untouched. “No bruises this time.”
He winks. “Gotta keep this face pretty for you, don’t I?”
“Yeah you do,” you pinch his cheek, laughing softly. “It’s your only redeeming quality.”
“Hey now–”
Robin suddenly appears, looking panicked. You quickly let go of Steve’s face and walk towards her, now noticing the staircase that she’s just come from. There’s blue light at the top, there’s an energy to it that makes you uneasy, yet it’s familiar. 
“What is it?” You ask her, fearing that you already know. 
“There’s something up there.”
You follow her up the stairs, and your heart drops at what you see. Steve sucks in a breath, his hand on your back. 
There’s a room at the top of the stairs, similar to the one below, and there are several men sitting at control panels. Before them is a giant machine, its circular panel spins as it shoots a beam of light into what you can only describe as an open wound within the wall. It’s narrow, long in length, as orange light spills from it. 
When Steve’s eyes meet yours, you both know. 
It’s the gate. 
The Russians have found the gate into the Upside Down.
Anger courses through you, and this anger is a familiar one. It’s the same anger you felt the day Will went missing, when El sacrificed her life to save everyone, when the men at Hawkins Lab continuously got away with ruining the lives of everyone you love. 
After everything you, the kids, and everyone else went through to close the gate, it enrages you to see these fucking idiots trying to reopen it. You had almost died last year trying to end this bullshit, but now you see it had been for nothing.
The side of your ribcage burns, the scar reignited by your fury, and Steve feels your body tense against his. His eyes meet yours again, and without saying anything, you know he understands. 
Nodding, the two of you are in agreement.
You have to stop this.
-
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thoughtsforsoob · 1 day
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Hii! I was wondering if you could do beomgyu fingering you under the table at a restaurant? Tyyy!!
a/n: hehe thank you for this anon! im going to try my best to make this good! inbox is always open!
beomgyu had invited you to dinner with the boys on this particular night. you agreed because you were excited to see the boys again and hang out with your boyfriend at the same time. so, when time rolled around to get to dinner, beomgyu had told you to get ready and that he was going to pick you up from your apartment. Having been told that, you immediately pick out your cute outfit (whatever you wanna wear) and start to do a little hairstyle and some makeup. beomgyu never expected you to dress up or even do any kind of makeup but it made you feel happy so you did it anyway. 
When you were done doing all your steps to get ready, you met him outside and you both headed down to the restaurant together. nothing seemed different or out of place on the way so you were greatly surprised when you felt a hand on your thigh while appetizers were coming to the table. sure, beomgyu had occasionally rested his hand there but it only meant one of two things. 1, it was just a coincidence or 2, he was going to finger you. you were really hoping for it to just be a coincidence since everyone was surrounding you. you continued to make conversation with the boys despite this action. your face hadn’t changed in expression so you were good.
while finishing up your appetizers, you were talking to soobin about a bread recipe you wanted to try (you were asking if he wanted some when you eventually made it). suddenly, you feel a slim finger tracing up and down your slit, stopping at your clit to add extra stimulation, you bit your lip just a bit. soobin raised an eyebrow with concern, “are you okay?” you nod and let go of your lip. “sorry. im getting a cramp in my thigh.” you looked down at your legs and then back up at him. “I'm sorry.” he shook his head and frowned, “don’t apologize. you can’t help it. Are you going to be alright?” you nod and with that, you two continued your conversation. you left feeling the gently finger rubbing up your slit through your panties until beomgyu finally pushed then aside discreetly and slid a finger in. you looked over at him with wide eyes and leaned closer to his ear. “why?” you whispered lowly and he just gave you a smile, kissing your forehead. you felt dizzy from the whiplash his actions were causing you. He was completely disrespecting you under the table and being such a gentleman above the table. The boys hadn’t really been suspecting anything until you started to fade out of the conversation, eyes fixated on beomgyu. Taehyun was the one to speak up and ask if there was something wrong between you two. You immediately snap out of your daze and shake your head. “Oh no, he’s just really handsome.” They all playfully gagged at your answer and Taehyun was the one who remained suspicious. He didn't want to say what he was thinking but he gave beomgyu ‘the look’ and beomgyu gave it back to him. This made you suddenly extremely shy. 
Beomgyu’s movements did not falter as he locked eyes with taehyun. You didn't know what to think but you felt yourself teetering over the edge of an orgasm. You looked to beomgyu and he looked down at you. He knew exactly what you wanted because of the squeezing of his fingers. He just nodded and you leaned against him, letting yourself go. You tried to not make it so obvious but at this point, everyone at the table was watching you look absolutely blissed out. They didn't even want to ask what had gone on because they more or less had an idea. They just stared at you two as beomgyu raised his hand back up, trying not to draw attention to himself from the rest of the restaurant as he licked his drenched fingers.
(part two with a gangbang???? Guys i'm so tempted please make me do it)
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strwberri-milk · 14 hours
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I want to make a request for LnDs fanfic pls ♡
Im not sure if this is a kink or something so ill try to be specific.
Mc is a bit shy and inexperienced at sex but she want to try something new with her boyfriend (xavier and rafayel are my favs, if i need to choose), she wants to lead things and make him feel good (or shes a the top but the boyfriend still in control kind of telling her what he wants her to do), while they do it her boyfriend guide her with a lot of compliments about her and her "performance", and hes not shy to be lewd and be excited
ughhhhh i call this topping from the bottom LMAO i did this w kaeya a couple times iirc im too lazy to check my anthology LMAoo also i hope you mind that its not like. a fic fic bc i just have to be in a certain mood to write fics
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Xavier won't tell it to your face but he thinks you look adorable like this. He loves the flushed expression on your face, the way you look like you're going to fall apart on his lap. You're so innocent it makes his mind spin, eyes unable to look away as you try to get him to tell you what he wants you to do.
You whine and whimper, not yet quite used to how much teasing Xavier actually wants to subject you to. He acts like he's innocent, hands teasing your body as he slowly grinds into you while you whine and complain about how mean he's being to you. When you start insisting that he let you take charge if he won't tell you what he wants he decides to lean back and watch to see what you do.
You struggle for a little, trying to figure out how to make him hit that spot inside of you that makes you see stars. His eyes watch you adoringly, hands snaking back to rest on your hips as he starts to tell you how to move on top of him. You're a little resistant at first, telling him again how you wanted to make him feel good.
He refuses to take no for an answer, gently telling you that he doesn't mind and doing this does make him feel good. Slowly, you find yourself listening to his instructions, bouncing and grinding on him at just the rhythm he's craving. You let go of all your reservations and his cock twitches in anticipation as your moans get louder.
His hands stay on your hips, guiding your pace. You're glad that he's not making you think anymore, mindlessly following his directions. Even the slightest suggestion he makes you take as an order, wanting nothing more than to do absolutely everything that he wants you to do.
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Rafayel loves to tease you slightly about how despite how inexperienced you are, you want nothing more than to fuck yourself on him. His eyes always rake over your form needily, committing every curve of your body to memory. If it were up to him, he'd have you sitting on his cock with a sketchbook in hand to record it on paper.
You try to deal with how bratty he is by fucking it out of him but unfortunately for you, you haven't quite figured out how exactly to go about that. Rafayel won't expand either unless he's feeling particularly needy and impatient. That tends to happen so you're used to it when you feel him starting to fuck into you, biting back your moan to try and prevent him from getting the satisfaction of taking you by surprise.
He's a little mean about it too, bringing a hand to run over the most sensitive parts of your body. He loves to tease you, hissing slightly in the way that you clench around him as he continues to fuck into you. He teases you with his words, telling you that he knows you'll do anything for him and that it's awfully cute of you to try and pretend that you could be in charge. Truth be told he adores it when you get even warmer with embarrassment when he flusters you, telling you exactly what to do and rewarding you with a particularly deep thrust whenever you listen to him.
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meulinn · 2 years
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I CAUGHT ALL UP W THE CROW STRIDER AU AND WOW…..this has made me so extremely happy..amazing character writing and story telling, absolutely fantastic. It makes that finish it animation 10 times more satisfying. JUST SO GOOD!! WAHHHHGGHG
PLS READ IF U HAVENT HERE
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scarletcomet · 2 months
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guess whose therapist thinks she could benefit from inpatient treatment
#got really depressed and a bit suicidal during my session today#im not actively suicidal rn but i feel so hopeless and i just want to give up resulting in some suicidal thoughts#the thoughts of hurting myself are getting louder and more overwhelming#so im not at a point rn where i think i need inpatient but im worried about getting worse#im going to nyc this weekend and seeing 2 shows and some of my favorite broadway actors but i do not feel excited#i want to feel excited but i just dont. i should be excited. if this doesn't make me feel something#then i doubt anything will.#reminds me of late may/early june when i wasnt excited for my birthday or the taylor swift concert because i did not want to live anymore#im worried that this is a warning sign. i feel like ive made so much progress with treatment in the last 10 months#but i feel like i haven't made enough progress and i feel like ive hit a wall and there's no improvement to be made#because I've tried like everything. i feel so hopeless. ive been in treatment for almost a year.#even inpatient i doubt would help me. like ive been there and done that. i spent nearly 20 days in inpatient last summer#only benefit would be seeing my doctor sooner but that's assuming i could even get a bed in the 11 person unit she works inpatient at#what benefit would seeing my doctor even do? we've tried almost everything and im on the max dose of most my meds#idk what to do#i feel like im running out of options. the only depression treatments i havent tried are ketamine and ect#i guess my options are ketamine ect suicide or continuing feeling how i feel now but i dont know how much longer i can live like this
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hella1975 · 1 year
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i don’t think my mum appreciates my bargain hunting
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caedogeist-rights · 1 year
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actually im not done tristamp did alllll the villains so incredibly weirdly. like at the very least vash's redesign fits his character. also im including wolfwood in this for JUST A MOMENT bc hes white!! why!! but. genuinely like. knives? where are his jodhpurs and backstory. kiddo knives is such a good part of the manga where is the Blood Typing i just have a lot of feelings abt Happy Days (volume 7, trimax, 2002). legato is TINY. and like. not pathetic enough but also not big enough??? he's one of three major antagonists he is the reason why plot happens and now hes just.... here???? being basic???? like have we even see him murder yet. elendira,,,, my beloved they made you cis why are you a child. livio is Also Tiny why are all the gung-ho-guns tiny now and his fashion bores me but i do like his hair. livio is genuinely my favorite and i do like him in stamp but i think they are underselling how incredibly deadly this man is. but maybe thats the point! <3 xoxo also fascinating to me that conrad is this important i dont actually hate it but its interesting that the antagonizing is a conrad thing not a legato thing. its technically more realistic to the actual dynamic esp knives's pov but also like.... legato where are you.... why are you so tame..... where is your creature and your coffin and your incredibly horny bloodlust for knives........
the only good ones are monev (its fun ig?), the nebraskas (so long as big mother is in s2) and ZAZIE WHO WAS DONE BETTER. IMO. like obviously different but they/them zazie in dub i cannot get more. bugs cool.
and. of course. the fact that we have not seen arguably the MOST important character is such a loss. midvalley hornfreak where Are you. play us a song music man i want to see you kill
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twomystdunstans · 2 years
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IDK i have the same opinion on this whole TMA2 thing as like. Ep 111??? Like maybe this is an unpopular opinion but ep111 is where TMA kinda. lost the magic for me?
a lot of (at least in my experience and opinion) the allure and enjoyment of TMA came from that fear of the unknown, that uneasy sense that it was all connected, that it was all kind of leading to something big, but never ever actually explicitly saying so. that kind of weird sense of unease that came w not having all the puzzle pieces but being able to connect similarities and stuff was part of what made the first 3 seasons really good??? That sort of mystery and unknown element???
so when there was the big exposition in ep111 w Gerry Keay and him telling Jon literally everything, to me it kind of fell flat. like, now that you know Whats Going On for the most part its just kind of. I dunno. Theres a loss of the mystery aspect of TMA there?
It didn't ruin it, and it didn't stop me from finishing and enjoying the series immensely, like it's still one of my top podcasts, but also. idk there was definitely something lost there for me
So on the topic of "TMA 2" I'm kind of having the same opinion??? I really liked how TMA ended, and I was glad that that was the end of the story. I didnt NEED to know what happened after. I was excited at the prospect of like. maybe a fun little miniseries or a special, but the idea of THREE MORE SEASONS of TMA is like :// idk
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timegears-moved · 1 year
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okay back to rejuv i don't wanna any fucking see pokeani discourse
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arcadeghozt · 2 years
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trying soo hard to shut up abt the way barry’s character was handled in the post-coma seasons but the more i think abt it the more pissed off i get what in gods name were they thinkingggg
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#i wanna move on bc i know im getting annoying but :/ this sucks so bad. they massacred my boy LITERALLY </3#👻.evp#like its not even just the lack of him getting anything in s13#but also them never further exploring his redemption arc in any actual depth#or taking time to explore his new dynamics w the team or even just any of the wider implications this character shift of his brings#hell even his friendship w archer is ridiculously underdeveloped for how much history they have. wheres the nuance. wheres the flavor.#itz soo frustrating this is such an interesting new direction to take him so why dont they do ANYTHTJNG WITH HIM#AND 12x8 DONT GET ME STARTED. barry’s repressed resentment towards archer was finally given some more focus#yet it wasnt rly. touched on. in any depth or detail.#like they just parroted the same shit we’ve known for years#instead of actually delving into what this means for them now that they’ve grown as friends#there were instances here and there where it felt like they were going to get into it but they never committed#i keep saying it but my god he was sooooo lazily integrated into this episode it drives me crazy. what was the point.#like it genuinely feels like they only included him here to heighten the stakes rather than out of an actual desire to continue his arc#which like. ok fine if that was the initial plan but also u can do both its not that hard i prommy#makes me so mad i was SOO EXCITED for this episode when it was set to air#and it ended up being one of the biggest disappointments in this shows run to me. mission: difficult my detested i HATE UUUUUUUUU 👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹#like if thats truly the last we’ll ever see or hear from him again thats rly fuckin disappointing :[ what a lame way to send him off#on top of that there’s zero followup to any of this shit in s13#like i dont expect him to be a primary character or whatever but like. why didnt they even attempt to provide any closure#let the man haunt the narrative a lil or SOMETHING#archer watched him die in his arms and now he has to work under the man who’s indirectly responsible for it#and u have NOTHING to say on that??? HUH????#like. aauuuuuuugh idk man this shows so annoyinggggg#there was sooo much potential here but the execution of it all was just so boringgg IT COULDA BEEN GOOD IF THEY CARED MORE THAN NOT AT ALL#whatever i guess who fucking cares. anyway cookie batter
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skrunksthatwunk · 1 year
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I THINK I DID OK ON MY FRENCH EXAM???????? HOURRA!!!!
#LIKE THERE IS NO WAY IM GETTING A 1 KIND OF OK. 3 IS FEASIBLE 4 IS POSSIBLE 2 IS ALSO POSSIBLE. ALRIGHT!!!!!#the multiple choice had me stabbing and clawing at my legs the whole time it was AWFUL i couldnt tell what they were saying at ALL#but i think i was able to fake it decently well we'll see#the email response was alright (though i didnt close elegantly oops)#and the essay was surprisingly good??? i fully didnt do half the essays we were assigned (sorry madame </3) but i finished before time was#up. and it was pretty ok too as far as little french essays go#i fully didnt respond to like 3/5 prompts in the conversations task lol. that's a 1 for sure and i knew that going in#not my best but pretty comparable to most of my performances on the task prior. me when audio processing#AND THE CULTURAL COMP WAS ON ONE OF THE ONLY TOPICS I COULD CONFIDENTLY SPEAK ABOUT LET'S GOOOOOOOO#i was SO excited when i saw that lol. yes thats MY topic of choice hehehe#waaaaaaahhh im so happy it's over!!! i was so scared!!!!! plus it was like 4 hours long which is fucking bonkers to mr#i thought the mcqs would be like 60 mins but no. ig bc of the audio prompts#sheeshhhh i can barely even feel scared about The Problem from earlier today bc im sooo happy (<- this will have consequences later)#anyway the writing tasks in particular made me feel like i knew a lot more french than i thought. makes me wanna continue it even though#my incentive's gone :))#and i mean. we'll see ig. but I'd love to get better at it. the hope is that im gonna sunk cost fallacy my way into fluency basically#anyway hellll yeahhhhh#mwah mwah#etc
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orcelito · 1 year
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:/
#speculation nation#the writer can see ur bookmarks u kno#who starts an almost 500k fic only to complain about the timeframe being too long#like look. i know ive taken too long on the past 10 chapters. im getting there.#ugh.#doesnt make me feel better about the newest chapter im working on bc it's the observance of a date that acts as the final look back#b4 really moving forward with things#'probably going to abandon but the first 30 chapters are worth the reread' well my dude ur gonna miss out on aaaall the fun i have planned#ive been trying to like. make it clear that im revving the engine so to speak. things r gonna start picking up again soon#but apparently not soon enough.#genuinely tho. it's nearly 500k words. what the fuck do you think that's spent on? continuous action?#no it's that long bc i love to do Reflection. character analysis. reactions.#and theres a lot of stuff that's gone into smashing all their relationships together and sorting out the pieces#i guess if ppl dont like character analysis & reflection theyre not gonna like my fic. especially not the more recent stuff.#but it's not like Nothing is happening. ive still tried to make things read well as i sort things out#feels ungrateful. like i dont have to be posting this ya kno lmao#if u dont like what im doing then fine. but you dont have to mention it where i'll see it and feel shitty about it.#i tried to be like 'it's a valid point and i guess it makes sense to want to include that in a rec'#but no this isnt a rec. it's a public bookmark. which i look to as a form of secondary comments when i havent gotten any in a while#and i was real excited to see one with a note. only to read a fucking. mixed compliment i guess.#genuinely tho im one chapter away from genuinely moving on with things.#if ppl cant deal with me having more of a character and relationship perspective (in the character and relationship perspective fic)#then theyre not gonna see all the fun and evil plans i have later on. soooo sorry.#god i try to not worry about what others think and just try to write what i wanna write. but im only human.#i want ppl to like what i write. why else am i posting it on the internet?#but it's 7 am after a very exhausting day & right before another very exhausting say#day*#and i just feel so undervalued.#waa waa waa sound of a fucking baby (me). whatever. i'll get over it i guess. just feels shitty.
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allofuswantgwinam · 2 months
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idk how we’ll ever have peace in this world when everyone just wants to retaliate with violence for everything. ‘It happened to me so I want revenge and idc if any innocent people get hurt/murdered in the process” I want fucking out lol of this world I am so serious
#I am disgusted by humanity every single day#this shit is FUCKED. it’s fucked.#we are all fucked#the masses do not care about things#the masses likes to live blindly#or “not my country not my problem’#or as I stated before I keep seeing posts from people in Israel who are like ‘I was blah blah blah by hamas’#‘everyone should die in hamas bc im upset’ ‘bad things happened to me so it should continue to be a cycle and never get better’#that’s what they might as well fucming say#and it��s more than just that. everything. people want fucke duo things to happen to others bc it happened to them#isn’t that some fucking shit#and there’s so many things that make me upset#it feels impossible the more I look into things#and observe people and learn#im disgusted#don’t even come for me to argue bc im not arguing#all everyone does is argue with eachother and be mad#im fucking tired of it#until we listen and understand eachother as a whole.. we’re just fucked#can’t convince me otherwise#im gonna keep going and all that bs but I’m absolutely defeated by the world rn#shit is ridiculous in so many ways#im also not saying someone shouldn’t be upset about what happened to them#I just don’t understand why the fuck you would want it to keep continuing#shameful#this isn’t fixing anything. people are dying. innocent people.#im sick of this repetitive bs of a sick world we live in#im only 25#I am not excited for my future#I do t even wanna bring a child into this world
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arolesbianism · 4 months
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It is my new life purpose to add the most questionable song choices to the Jackie section of my oni playlist. Hey at least one of them is a rabbit universe Jackie song so I have sort of an excuse, but spoilers it's not keep your head up so uhhhhh lol
#rat rambles#oni posting#baby days is the rabbit universe one to be clear#oh and the other two are indeed abt canon jackie but in my typical 5d chess sorta way where it's from an incredibly biased pov#smth smth jackie constantly self sabotaging and being oh so shocked when it causes her mental health to spiral and trying to justify it to#herself while also trying to burry it under even more work and isolation that just makes everything even worse#also shes divorced and sad abt it even though shes the one who has been pushing olivia away even pre divorce#and she has absolutely no plans on stopping she is both holding onto hopes of olivia turning around while also actively pushing her away#also kinda unrelated but I keep thinking back to scrapped jackie and olivia#and how fascinating it is that good ol jodi was honestly kind of shitty#well ok olivia is also shitty in many ways but the original divorce™ scene was soooo much worse of a look than the current one#long story short the two started a business immediately after jodi graduated that jackie especially was super excited abt#jackie was also anxious abt it though since she was struggling to get her phd and felt she had to rely on jodi to be taken seriously#but they quickly ran into money issues which eventually lead to jodi leaving after she was given an offer to join a large project#which youd think its like ah I see a conflict between friendship and dreams#which isnt wrong per say but oh my god did jodi fuck up her wording so bad like holy shit#she was all like I think this project would be a better use of my phd than continuing to do this#which Im not saying that feeling that way is bad per say but when your like best friend who you know has issues with personal worth and has#been putting a lot of effort and presumably money into this business that you suggested founding its maybe not the best idea to say#straight to her face that you think this is a waste of your time and abilities even if you probably think youre putting it nicely#thats whats so fascinating to me abt old jackie is that to me shes borderline genuinely sympathetic#which is why I love the idea of her having similar character traits still but in a less justified environment#like I am still in shock that so many of my jackie headcanons actually held water like even my ppl didn't take jackie's ideas seriously#and that being a bonding factor for olivia and jackie was smth that actually existed in the original concepts for the two#again Im glad they were scrapped for a multitude of reasons but its so vindicating that I was actually onto smth#Ive talked abt how I think its good they got scrapped because of the importance of oni's narrative being patchy and vague#but also I am so glad they scrapped pretty much all of jackie's actively sympathetic elements even if I still like sympathising with her#I know I complain abt us not seeing enough of jackie's perspective of things outside of her immediate research but thats mostly on the#grounds that it makes olivia and jackie's old friendship feel too trapped in the implied realm#I want jackie to feel like theres more to her life but I dont want said things to feel like a part of the plot if that makes sense
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beepmeepmeepbeep · 6 months
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i fucking hate myself i have to gget up in 4 hours
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the-kipsabian · 9 months
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#idk if this is angsty or not so im just gonna throw it in the tags#but like. i fully know what my problem is. and how i could fix it. and literally the only thing making me sad and upset is myself#why? because my choice of medium is writing. because that makes it incredibly difficult to get anything out there and get people interested#in my creations. cause visual media is preferred so much over written anything cause its so much easier to consume#it doesnt help that i dont work with popular characters or ships (literally my current work im most excited about is for a ship only *i*#have contributed to so far. like.. we are talking that level of unpopular choices here)#and like. i dont say this to shame or blame anyone. this is obviously my choice. ive decided to do both of these things when i could have i#so much easier. i wouldnt be better at it if i did visual shit still. im way worse at that than writing. ive always been a writer first#but.. honestly seeing the difference with interaction and even in general interest due to these factors...#idk man. again i know this is entirely self inflicted like i chose this. i chose all of these things. and continue to do so#ive literally seen all of this. im not making it up. im not talking about just in general im talking this has happened to me personally#that rare time in june i made and posted art? do you understand the amount of ppl that said 'ive missed your stuff'?#the same people that dont consume my current works due to their form and have never went on the lengths to say the same thing about#my writing? when i took a two year hiatus from all of that basically? but a few months of visual arts?#idk fam im just. i understand all of this but im hurt. you know?#cause i know it doesnt matter. and its so much more difficult. i know there are people out there who love and appreciate what i do#and who understand how important this is to me compared to other stuff and before and whatnot#but at the same time the negatives (that are mostly in my head but they are still real things and they still hurt) are so much louder#i dont know where im going with this. im just thinking. excuse the brain barf#or dont. whatever. im just.. acknowledging my recent feelings. there is a reason i had a breakdown few days ago and yesterday was so rough#i should probably go to bed. sorry about this#its not gonna change anything in how stuff is viewed or how im gonna act about it but just.. you know. putting this out there#the inequality of how art is treated just has me thinking. that maybe im not made for this#maybe i should just be the below mediocre visual artist that does things that give them no happiness just cause it gets more attention#idk. just. yeah#good night#night is an absolute mess on main
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