#im really upset and idk what to do

[cherrysnax]

someone gave my rapist my number :)

#rape tw #csa tw #im calmer now #but god I feel. so #dead inside #idk #im really upset and idk what to do #Im worried abt relapsing but I probably won’t #i just wanna disappear for a lil bit

[luck-of-the-drawings]

[<==PREV PAGES] [NEXT PAGE==>(not out yet.wait a year.or maybe more.imagine.]

saw alot of comments on prev pages; saying 'i HATE that mean teacher! im gonna FIGHT HIM!!' & i LOVE the energy!! it WOULD be nice. to have that catharsis. but the story of young tidestrider is Not one of catharsis. it is a story of being so small and so special and sucking so bad.

#jrwi fanart #jrwi show #jrwi riptide #gillion tidestrider #GONNA START FORMATTING MY COMICS BETTER. W THE PROPER 'PREV' 'NEXT' LINKS #REALLY DIDNT EXPECT TO CONTINUE THIS SERIES BUT AAAUUUHH MY BRRAAAIN MY BRAIN IS SO IDEASSS. I HAVE 3 OTHER PAGES SKETCHED OUT #NO PROMISES ILL FINISH EM ANY TIME SOON OR EVER. MY WHIMS ARE THEIR OWN BEAST AND I ONLY DRAW ON MY WHIMS #THAT BEING SAID IF U COMMISSIONED ME ILL GEEETT TO YOUUU IM SORRYYYY. ART IS AN EMOTIONAL RELEASE FOR ME N BABY I HAVE EMOTIONS. #ESPECIALLY ABOUT GILLION TIDESTRIDER CHAMPION OF THE UNDERSEA HERO OF THE DEEP.for the desc here i put smth that i typed up in the tags of #another thing i made. i gotta make a proper Baby Gillion tag or smth. eventually.. eventually...I LOVE DRAWIN THIS LIL BABY GUY.. #i also LOVE depicting the teachers as just being so fuckin mean. ofc theres variation in that. just like in all things.like the teacher her #idk if itll be mentioned but the octo lady is named Ms Octburn.an octopus pun based off the name of an actual councilor i had #when i was in elementary school i got bullied alot but teachers never did anything. i hated adults and didnt trust them. #but this councilor o mine was so genuinely sweet. i remember spending alot of time w her. she doesnt work there anymore. #but that one school adult that actually earns ur trust and is there for you when they can be.its SO important for a child i think #i hope she knows how much she helped me.youll see in the next page that ms octburn isnt perfect either.but she tries. they all try.somehow. #ALL these comics are gonna be inspired by somesorta experience o mine in the school system. school is so fucked up u ever thing abt that #AND GILLIOOOOONNN IN THE MOST FUCKED UP LITTLE SCHOOL OF ALL. MAINTAINED BY A CULT. CENTERED AROUND HIM. OUR CHOSEN ONE #I IMAGINE ALOT BANKS ON HIS SUCCESS. THIS IS THE WORLD. THE WHOLE WORLD. THE PROPHECY IS GOING TO COME TRUE N UR TELLIN ME #THAT ITS THIS LITTLE IDIOT THATS GONNA BE SAVING US? WHAT IF HE FAILS. IF HE CANT GET THIS RIGHT THEN HE WILL FAIL AND WE WILL DIE #WE NEED TO TRAIN HIM. WE NEED HIM TO LEARN. AND TO SUCCEED. OR ELSE WE'RE DEAD. WE'RE ALL FUCKING DEAD. I IMAGINE THAT MUST BE STRESSFUL #in other news i hope ppl actually giggle when they read these. they ARE intended to be comical. dark humor or whatever. like its also sad #this is intended to be a sad comic series. but a funny one too. does that make sense? god i hope so.saw some1 say they had flashbacks- #-reading this. like YES!! THE INTENDED EFFECT!! YOU GET ME!! i love seeing ppl get upset on this lil baby boys behalf. i LOVE seeing ppl- #-wail n weep n cry in the comments. i LOOOVE seeing ppl RELATE to baby gillion. and i love letting u all know that this wont be a happycomi #gillion gets his happiness arc in the actual show. this series is one of unfortunate events. teehehehe. do u guys remember that show #i keep listening to the lil songs from A Series of Unfortunate Events for inspiration. GOOD STUFF!! #anyway uuhh uhh thats all i got in my brain. for now. feed me ur comments give me ur input i NNEEEEEDD THHEEEMMMM

[topaziraphale]

"Stop saying Crowley won't help Aziraphale in S3 he'd go back to him in a HEARTBEAT and nothing would stop him" I get it no one likes the idea of Crowley being bitter after what happened for a long period of time but like can we at least acknowledge that he's currently going through probably the most emotional pain in his life since falling? Can we agree that he's opened his heart entirely - something you couldn't pay him to do unless the world is literally ending and he's desperate - to Aziraphale, and got shot down? Can we understand that he did it AGAIN only to lose Aziraphale again? Not that what Aziraphale did isn't without Crowley's own shortcomings (hiding the truth of Heaven's cruelty from him) but like,,,,

The appeal here isn't Scorned Crowley Doesn't Love Aziraphale Anymore, or Never Wants To Help Him Again, the appeal here is Crowley learning enough self respect to not just walk back right to Aziraphale like nothing happened after Aziraphale has had a pattern of consistently refusing him. Going years ping-ponging between "We're not friends I don't even know him" to "That's what friends are for right?" and "We're friends, why would you even say anything?" and "Friends? We're not friends. We are an angel and a demon!"

Like I get it, Crowley is a heartbreakingly forgiving person. Of course he's gonna forgive Aziraphale, I'll be surprised if he didn't forgive him by the time he walked out the bookshop door, but gdi he could at least grant himself the luxury of being at least a little irritated for longer than however long it takes to make a globe and some books float and angrily cry out to God in his flat. But due to the change of pace and dynamic that is establishing part of the conflict for Season 3, I just really like the idea of him for ONCE prioritizing himself and being like "Okay, fine. We'll get back at it when you're ready, then," instead of just taking Aziraphale back like his words and actions meant nothing to him, when clearly they have an effect on him.

What is Aziraphale going to learn if Crowley just accepts what he did so quickly, like he always has the entire time they've been friends? Idk maybe I'm just projecting too much darkness on their dynamic but I mean, if the pattern of Aziraphale pushing Crowley away/disrespecting him one day and then being fine with his friendship the next + Crowley never stopping to be like "Hey, that's not cool, at least give me a little credit" or smth was fine all along and will continue to be fine in the future, then why, after 6,000 years of being friends and loving this demon, can Aziraphale still not accept that Crowley is just fine the way he is, and instead got excited to promote him to an angel in a heartbeat once the opportunity presented itself? You can't blame all of it on Heaven when Aziraphale has demonstrated his free will/defiance to Heaven so many times. Or, I don't know, I guess maybe we can? Maybe I'm just craving too much angst to the point where I'm letting it cloud my analysis of canon. Idk.

#derpy speaks #good omens #good omens 2 #no i dont think crowley is gonna ever hate aziraphale for what happened but he's allowed to be angry #he's allowed to be done with it all. he's allowed to be exhausted. just look at his face when he drives away. #meh. idk. but i dont know how i'll feel if crowley just INSTANTLY accepts aziraphale back in a situation involving #idk - ''hey help me stop the new apocalypse'' #at least. without like. SOME pushback? it can even be something small like ''are you SURE you want ME to help you? do you really need me?'' #doesnt have to be a straight refusal but i'd like SOME kind of action to show that crowley is putting his foot down for once #he deserves that self respect #do NOT reply saying that im insinuating that aziraphale is actively malicious or doing it on purpose. #everything he has done up until now is his own complicated response to all the trauma and guilt he's been through #but despite that crowley is STILL allowed to be upset... it's messy. i can write a whole paper about how this whole thing #is just unfortunate on both ends. again. we didnt get queerbaited we got communication baited 😭 #but help me out here. am i just too fandom-brained to have these expectations from the story? #is there something obvious im missing that is making me sound like a complete asshole here? do i need to get my head out of the gutter? #someone please explain it to me if so because whatever it is‚ i can't find it #not queued

[halfusek]

oopsie

so the stream was a flop (ill need to solve that problem in the future but that was very weird cuz these settings worked with batdr before and i doubt batdr was easier to stream performance wise) but yall didnt miss out on anything cuz uh

basically in 15 minutes i was done with the part of the. "game". that was. actually kind of looking like one. you know i didn't expect any polish to this, it was free and all. that was the part with gaskette, it was. fine. i did not find it interesting but at least it wasnt what the rest of the game was

but you know what, i get it. finally i get it

they, or maybe just mike, but its released under their company so i will say they,

they hate theorists

they hate dataminers

alright, point taken, i guess

just push away the fans who were the most interested in playing your games, cuz that's smart

it's sad really but oh well have it your way

#i dont know how many 'i cant get out of this hyperfixation no matter what' i have in me #believe me i tried to fixate on something else #idk #that game was just a really upsetting experience honestly and i think that was the point #i could form my thoughts more clearly and critically but why should i do that #ough #its so jover man #tbh #i dont think im gonna check out their next games if thats the attitude theyre showing #maybe i should have stopped engaging with them already but yknow i was hoping itd get better #and i still really do enjoy interacting with other bendy fans #but its just too much man #halfpost #bendy spoilers #whatever

[ottoslab]

You know: Re: “there’s an in-story reason there are no fat characters in xyz media,” I feel like there’s a lack of understanding about the root idea behind why there should be fat characters regardless of the “in universe” explanations.

Im going to keep this conversation in line with Into the Spiderverse/Hero media, because I’ll be honest: I don’t disagree with the idea that there’s never a reason for there to be less body type diversity in a cast. I think the reasons are fewer and far between than people claim, but I don’t think they’re not there. Maybe it’s important for worldbuilding, maybe there’s another reason. Just getting it out of the way so I can say that I’m not talking about these specific instances where fat characters wouldn’t work in the narrative for whatever reasons.

I’m talking about: Spider-Man cant be fat. He’s too busy running around and swinging on webs to be out of shape. There’s no way there could be a fat avenger, they’re way too active. Etc etc.

Ok. Cool. I don’t care.

When it comes to body diversity in media, my first thought is not usually the in-universe reasons for the body diversity, for fat characters being fat. My mind is always going to the intention behind the writing first and foremost.

The Spider-Man series, and a lot of superhero stories, are stories about empowerment. Spider-Man itself is a character built around the idea that “anyone can wear the mask.” The spiderverse movies are built around that idea.

Spider-Man, in universe, is a character who fights crime, who has the weight of the world on his shoulders, who does super cool stunt moves and is usually like 16 years old and fighting off super monsters.

But, like. That’s the in universe stuff. The subtext, the reasoning for the plot, the character evolution, is so much more than that, isn’t it? It’s a story about empowerment, about encouraging the viewer, you, whoever you are absorbing this media, to take great risks and to evolve. Spiderverse isn’t asking you to put on a mask and swing around and fight a woman with octopus tentacles. Spiderverse is using a very specific in-universe challenge to ask you how you’d operate with great power, and the price to use it responsibly. Etcetera etcetera. Generally speaking.

And anyone can be viewing that story. Even a fat person. Who wouldn’t “realistically” be able to be a spider-man. Fat people still face adversity, still identify with having goals and taking risks. Like anyone else. That’s the point of the “anyone can wear the mask” thing. Why couldn’t there be a fat Spider-Man, for audiences to relate to just as much as they would a skinnier Spider-Man, but with the added “hey, that’s like me,” factor for some people who don’t usually get that?

And then comes the other stuff. The fact that, while a lot of media may not have positive representation of fat characters, they still have fat characters. They still exist. And where are they?

Well, usually being the butt of the joke, probably.

We can’t have a fat spider-man, but we can have a Peter B. Parker, down on his luck, pitying himself for the decisions he won’t make, at a low-point in his life. And how do we portray this? Oh, yeah, we’ll have him be fat. And we won’t stop pointing it out. We won’t stop mentioning it in a way that would have a laugh-track playing after every mention if we could. Because being fat is bad, because being a fat spider-man means you’ve done something wrong. And once you’re doing better? You’ll be less fat, probably. Because it means you’re probably doing something with yourself.

I don’t mean to say that there’s absolutely no reason a person could gain weight when they’re at a low point in their life, or that losing weight can’t be a sign of someone’s progress in their life. But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the writing, I’m talking about the framing of this. Peter B. Parker is the only fat Spider-Man in Into The Spiderverse, (I know there are plus sized background characters in across the spiderverse, but theyre few and far between and do not take away from the treatment of Peter B in the first movie) and they’re going to make sure you remember that, and they’re going to hope you laugh at him for it. Peter B Parker isn’t a real person, but a real person, real people, had to write his character and how people treated him.

TLDR: If you’re making a story, I don’t give a shit if there’s “no reason” for a character to be fat in universe. Let them be fat anyways. There’s probably “no reason” for half of the things they are or aren’t, but we still give characters those traits anyways. And I guarantee, in the stories where there “shouldn’t be” fat characters, there will be anyways. They just will be there to be laughed at, to point at as a sign of “greed,” to be the antithesis of what the protagonist should be. Because from a writing standpoint, apparently, where anyone can wear the mask or whatever, being fat is still wrong.

#Hm. Im not really one to type out really long tumblrposts about topics like this. #but im doing my best to make it clear that im not trying to start an argument. #I am passionate about this. Maybe even a little upset on some level. #but idk. I feel like i can have my one obnoxious tumblrpost as a treat. #This might not be entirely comprehensible #but i hope if youre reading it you can do your best to not immediately go with the worst interpretation of what im saying here GDKHFGLJDGJL #not tagging this. Either it goes somewhere or it doesn’t. God bless o7 #long post

[skunkes]

the way I've been raised has shown itself in a recent awful experience I had and the realization won't leave me because I'm not sure what to do about it.

I don't like feeling anger/upset and it's rare for me to feel it anyway but it's led to me being unable to tell what's worth getting upset over anymore. If my wants upset somebody, then, well, maybe I shouldn't have them? What is so serious that I need it to go completely my way...? What desires am I allowed to have. It's not that serious, it's okay if not, you can't always get what you want....

every time I feel Upset I am later wracked with guilt because it wasn't a big deal and I was just being selfish... What IS a big deal then? How can I tell? Its admittedly never a big deal... But I keep being upset. And stepped on....

#talkys #this is what led to me Staying for as long as i did #there would be issues but if I brought them up i wld then be made to feel guilty for feeling that way #but i cant reverse that bc well!! its true like is it really a big deal? life isnt that serious I dont need to get upset... #i get upset at something my parents do and in the end i feel ungrateful and selfish #i really cant tell anymore which is why i Stayed as mentioned above #in the sense of well yeah the way im being treated doesnt make me feel good but why do i need to feel good? #isnt that selfish...isnt that asking too much...isnt that making yourself out to be Better Than... #i really dont know. i get so ready to give up my position on anything because I dont want to be selfish #and because im no better than anyone else #my mom caused some drama on my birthday wrt my sister's family and it led to me not being able to go to the duck #pond on my birthday... which is the only thing i really wanted to do on an otherwise uneventful day #i was meant to feel shame abt it because well we can always go any other day!!! relax!!! #and it is true....! #we can go any other day why did i get upset? its not that serious...nothing is that serious...i feel so guilty + spoiled + selfish #i just felt humiliated for wanting to go in the first place. and for getting upset that we couldnt go. like a toddler. #*not that i actually get Toddler Level upset...but it always Feels like i did...ykwim #i just dont understand......idk if i can Repair this....

[starrysharks]

i wonder if white people specifically white progressives realise that black people are only ever seen as their skin color first and foremost

#this goes for all poc but im talking about black people here #black people are constantly connected to their skin color and tone in good ways and in not good ways #people will always see you as your race first because white is considered the default #like if someone wanted to insult me the first thing they would go for is my race or gender presentation #whenever an actor is cast for a role people see the fact that they are black before anything else - talent. style. etc is ignored #black people are othered in society to put it bluntly . that is why white people get so upset when black people are cast as any role #or when they uuuuuh you know exist #and if the other becomes the majority - say a movie with mostly black people or a black-exclusive setting #then white people will get uncomfortable and complain #maybe the way i explained it is weird idk im not good at explaining #what im trying to say is that blackness is not something you can hide unless you are able to pass as white/are biracial etc. #and so the many stereotypes about black people are what people see first #what i'm trying to get at is that the way people percive black people completely changes our experiences esp if we're queer or women #a white and visibly queer person will have a different experience than a black and visibly queer person #and white progressives often forget that #sorry if this was explained weird im not a good explainer and also some bad shit happened today so my head is not really in the game #do people even say that god #whatever man

[gibbearish]

kinda frustrating how we've spent the last few months acknowledging how a lot of well intentioned but guilt trippy social justice posts are like specifically designed to worm into ocd ppls brains and then now every single post abt palestine is "i dont care how bad your mental health is, i dont care how bad looking at all this makes you feel, if you don't read every single post you see on this topic in full you are a horrible person and directly contributing to their deaths. 'waaaah my mental health' well at least youre not being bombed, did you think about that??" and its like. i absolutely get where youre coming from but you dont get to complain that guilt tripping is bad then turn around and use it anyways because you think the cause youre using it for is worthwhile. like. everyone thinks the cause theyre using it for is worthwhile, thats why theyre using it. but its still a shit way to do it

#like when you make a tumblr post to your tumblr blog youre not guilt tripping people who disagree with you #youre guilt tripping your followers who if theyre still following you probably already agree with what youre saying #and esp on a topic with so much brutality involved like. yeah OBVIOUSLY theres people who have to look away #like. yall know a bunch of these posts and articles and videos show graphic injuries in them right? #like i physically cant watch news videos abt this bc i will spend days with my brain making me imagine #peoples deaths in graphic detail specifically because it knows that will upset me. and i would prefer not to do that #in fact me doing that helps palestinians exactly as much as finishing my brussel sprouts helps starving kids #by which i mean none. its just a cheap guilt trip to get you to do something you don't want to #which when it's brussel sprouts thats whatever but when its 'deliberately expose yourself to extremely triggering #things otherwise youre a bad person'. not so much #idk i feel like maybe its due to ppl feeling. agitated abt not being able to do anything abt it #like the government isnt listening and we're a world away so physically /all/ we can do really is sit and watch #so i can understand a) wanting to find someone to lash out at to alleviate that feeling #like if you cant stop the actual problem at the very least you can shout down the people supporting it right? #and b) seeing 'not watching' or even just 'not watching as closely as i am' as a transgression #bc well its all we can do so if youre not even doing that you must be bad #and its like. i really do get it. but the whole world is watching right now‚ like this is THE big news thing happening rn #so a few people choosing to avoid to subject will not make a single iota of difference #idk. i guess what im saying is if youre feeling the urge to yell at someone for not looking close enough #just donate some money to a support fund instead itll do a lot more

[opens-up-4-nobody]

As a stranger on the internet (so feel free to ignore or tell me I'm out of line) you might just be going through a grieving process. It sucks, a lot, and I don't really have any advice other than it will slowly get better, but it might help simply knowing.

Grief is different for everyone, and looks different for everyone too. But either way I hope you feel better soon <3

It's very possible, I just don't want that to be the answer because then I don't know what to do

#it feels more like im using grief as an excuse to not do anything and i find it really upsetting #i just dont kno what to do. i have a lightning talk to give tomorrow and i cant get anywhere bc when i try to get anything done i just start #crying and everything feels like a mess that i have no motivation to clean up #just everything. why did i decide to do this with my life? why couldnt i have chosen a functional career path? #i dont kno what im doing. i dont kno how im going yo get things together for my committee meeting Friday #or how ill get thru it without crying. i dont even kno what i want. i wanna talk to my dad i guess but ive never told anyone in my family #when im having a hard time and i dont kno how to do that without making him worry #ugh. tomorrow's gonna suck. so does today. i just want the semester to be over. but then i cant escape my project. so idk what i want #i want sleep for 1000 years or at least until all my problems are gone #unrelated

[electric-friend]

i’ve got so many unfinished fics in my drive and maybe even one published one where someone calls stede strong and brave for maintaining his softness even when life pushes back.

recently i feel like stede made a choice ed and izzy have both made in the past that they’ve always wished they never did, and stede could have been spared from. at the very least i think it hurt ed to see the version of himself he hates in stede. he probably thinks stede wanted to become that man for reasons other than stede has been bullied his entire life for being inadequate and told a man a bit like blackbeard is a real man.

call me crazy or whatever but i actually think a major thing that should be communicated between ed and stede is something on stede’s end. his trauma and his feelings and his issues. as it stands now, i don’t think ed understands what’s going on with stede. i don’t think he understands the person stede really wants to be. i don’t think he understands stede’s own issues of self-doubt and stede’s insecurities. hell i don’t think ed even has that much of a grasp of how unpopular and disliked stede has always been his entire life. and i think maybe if stede explained himself better, ed would understand more of what was going on. that he wouldn’t be seeing stede as manifesting something he wants to escape from, he would see stede as someone he needs to help escape with him.

#ofmd #ofmd s2 spoilers #blackbonnet #gentlebeard #stede bonnet #edward teach #a hint of #steddyhands #but i’m not really going into it #idk if this makes much sense #it’s not super well laid out it’s just a chaotic bunch of prose im expressing myself through #obviously i feel like ed should maybe communicate more of his feelings to stede too #but i feel like everyone is focusing really hard on stede being a dick and needing to apologise #when what really needs to happen (though i doubt it will on screen) is they both need to articulate their feelings #so that they understand each other and stop getting caught up mis communicating #also listen. i don’t think stede did a good thing in that argument #but i do fundamentally believe that ed saying it was a mistake. no matter how much stede might also think that was true #probably genuinely seriously triggered stede and upset him a lot #they were both really hurt in that conversation #but i think that there’s this thing going on where stede has become a man that reminds ed of a part of himself he associates- #-with the version of himself he hates #and in a way that’s happening the other way around too #ed is soft. quiet. gentle. the crew doesn’t respect him #stede sees a version of himself he feels insecure about when he looks at ed now #and it’s fucking with them. #majorly. #i hope they talk but i know there’s not enough time in the show for them to talk the way i want them to

[snickerdoodlles]

there's a lot of things people blame for why fandoms feel like ghost towns these days, but no one's really talked about the way discord's contributing to it

#its like #people are trying to force fit discord's chatrooms into forum boards #except discord is just. really really *really* poorly setup for that #and theres no way to archive or share it so everything said in it is easily lost despite personal export or community pins or search option #and like #vaguely hearing about the way some people are unsatisfied with them/feeling unfufilled in the response to them #a lot of people would be better off posting those things to places like tumblr #where there isnt a time limit on when people see or respond to them #part of what's scary/frustrating on tumblr rn is some fandoms arent good about reblogging to posts or tag rambling #like with bad buddy a large part of the fun was the enthusiastic and in depth tag rambles and the way responses built on each other #vs something like kinnporsche which feels much more like-oriented #like? its not like theres any one way to fandom #and there's nothing actually wrong with likes or quiet reblogs #but vaguely hearing about the way some people were/are really upset with some servers im just kinda like #idk #feels a bit like people trying to force a square thru a circle or that they're looking in the wrong spaces for what they want #.......this is not a complaint for my space ajkds i think i've carved out a pretty happy space for myself! #im just checking the reblog graphs of some old vs new stuff and thinking about a convo other cookie and i were having over the weekend #i have a lot of friends around and i love everyone who's happy to ramble with me #but i do feel a slight case of DM burnout rn where mostly people reach out to me via DMs instead of reblogs #which is a very different dynamic #its like. hmmm words #i love DMs but the pressure of responding to a lot of individual messages #vs something like reblogs which is more open forum for everyone and feels more communal #if that makes sense? #the difference between visiting one person at home vs casually hanging out with a group at a cafe #and the lovely thing about tumblr specifically is that i can set down a reblog chain for several days if i need #before returning to it later when i have more time/energy #its got Longevity that discord lacks u know #........okay enough tag musings from me ajkfhjdgfhj BYE

[silenthillbunni]

💭🌸

#my brain's normal!!!! i feel like crying and dying because... #i got a new necklace and bookmark (that is a little butterfly) #and want to show someone. like just.. it's silly and childish but i always feel a need 2 just show someone #and i feel so embarrassed and stupid bc since i dont have anyone #im always like no whatever doesnt matter just forget abt it #then i cave and go show my mom #i showed my mom the butterfly on a chain bookmark and she barely even looked at it #then was like 'mh.. those things r nice if u like that kinda stuff ig' #she always reacts like that and then i feel extra stupid #i really am just a dumb little kid begging for attention constantly like #idek why i have this need like!! nobody cares!! which is fine obvi i get it lol #but why do i get so sad and feel so lonelyyyy bc of this #:(((( #wanna cry sksksk bc i feel so alone....... just bc i want to show someone what i got #i am a child i know idk !!!! grow upppp why .. this is litrlly such a dumb thing to be upset abt

[sophiethewitch1]

in my hater era

#sophie speaks #tw vent #like. what. what??? #i do try not to upset anyone with trauma dumping or whatever but sometimes that bites me in the ass because people assume I'm not strugglin #struggling hugely #had one of my most violent meltdowns ever recently and it was after pushing myself to do something #and you know. thats on me #but saying like #im NOT trying?? #i dont want to start any problems but oh my GOD what do you think being sick constantly does to a person #what??? #trying to be a proper adult here but i am quite upset #idk how are you supposed to deal with shit like this #express this has upset you and that you are having a hard time #but then they dont believe you?? #trauma dump it is. hope you enjoy my psychiatrists notes #like im level 2 support needs autistic. i need a little fucking leeway or i genuinely try to kill myself #i KNOW its pathetic i KNOW its weak but my number one priority is keep myself alive #im so tired #ive been suicidal for like 7 years now #my life sucks so incredibly hard and I'm in constant pain and that just #it doesnt make me willing to deal with this shit #cripplepunk core lmao #cripple and im going to kill you #this is just geniunely upsetting #i feel like i need a good cry #i really am so tired #i feel like i just dont want to do this #why am i paying for this? why am i doing this? #if im not enjoying this why the fuck would i do it

[todayisafridaynight]

would it be okay if u told me why u like aoki😭/gen😭😭😭😭BEEN TRYNA LIKE HIM FOR SO LONG I JUST CANTT but i love ur art so much so i still consume it otherwise lol

i liked tohru adachi in high school and tbh i think that alone is enough of an explanation for why i ended up liking aoki

#snap chats #haha see i told you last post's tags were relevant #anyway vLKVJEVLKAEJVLKJ IM CRYING ANON youre so funny. this is the funniest ask i coulda got thank you so much #i dont know why i like him either <- yes i do #fine lets get Real Talk about it #well first off all i thought he looked hot rolling out the elevator and i was playing the eng dub and i think his voice sounds hot there #and thats like. not athing that happens to me ever <- literally thought sawashiro was hot two frames into the game but anyway #i like politician characters. or characters that are in a position of power ESPECIALLY if they have to act like they dont suck balls #like i very much love the idea of the power of charisma and that type of thing not to mention the 'strategizing' as aoki puts it #that comes with politics. LIKE HE SUCKS DONT GET IT TWISTED HE SUCKS BUT //shrug emoji// #like its why i love the mine rggo stories i like seeing mine's thought process and how he uses his intelligence #smart's sexy to me idk what to tell you but moving on #its fun watching him lose his cool too ESP IN HIS FIGHT LMAO HE STOMPIN HIS FOOT LIKE A TODDLER SHUT UP #i also really love the arakawa family in general and thinking of aoki's relationship with each of them makes my brain explode #especially him and sawashiro that shit is painful to watch and i love it so much #i also thought him going from goth to republican was the funniest shit in the world like i howled at that AND i was distraught #aokis so interesting to me from the notion that he IS loved by his family but he has so much hatred for himself it eats him up #and as a result he cant be happy no matter what he does- how hes constantly seeking validation even if it's nothing meaningful #his lil. Dog-Eat-Dog world world belief to ichi also appealed to my edgy depressed high schooler brain. sorry. #his speech at the lockers also got to me. unfortunately. sorry everyone i empathized too hard it got too real it wasnt funny anymore #like as much as i complain bout the very end the ending is what solidified me liking aoki if not also cause of ichi's impact in those scene #plus... analyzing him and the environment around him is so much fun too.... #idk reasons for why i like aoki also boil down to personal reasons. he still sucks tho so i cant be upset when people hate him LOL #i probably have more reasons or could elaborate more i love rambling but i mean. who really wants to read all that 💀💀 #maybe for a character that WASNT the worst but. aoki is so LMAO #thank you for loving my art regardless :) im sorry i have to be attached to the worst guys ever

[lighthouseas]

so uh

#don't. really feel too great abt stranger things right now for obvious reasons #it's....idk my feelings are complicated because i do know characters ≠ actors but also the shit that brett has been saying is absolutely #-batshit and then the stuff noah liked today....idk. seeing actors i once used to admire do this really fucking hurt. and made me angry. #-and sad. #it's not that i don't still like st it's just...complicated right now #and looking at the stuff they said makes me physically ill so #and anyway. sorry i know i never post about stuff like this on main but i just thought i should put it out there bc im . upset #and i also really don't want to cause myself to spiral anymore so #zionism #zionist #idk what tags my mutuals have filtered so if i need to tag anything else please let me know - i just don't want to clog the i/p tags w this #bee.txt

[johnsbleu]

why don’t you want to post hmh anymore?

it's not that i don't want to! i don't know how to say this without sounding like a bitch or something but i work really freaking hard on hmh and always have. i put a lot of time into it then i post the chapter and get like...maybe 3 notes on it. i don't get any sort of nice comments anymore, maybe once in a while, i'll get one. i post and literally a week or so later someone is just asking for an update, and it's not that i don't appreciate that but sometimes i can't wait to post a chapter because i'm excited about what's happening in it and no one even mentions it, they just ask for another chapter. i am so beyond grateful that people have stuck around for so long and still reach out and want to read more about this little world i created but sometimes a little mention about the chapter goes a long way. idk i'm probably being too sensitive or something but i see other writers get tons of love on a chapter while i just have nothing and i get in my head about the content i'm writing and if it's even worth it anymore

#ik that this isnt just exclusive to hmh either this happens with a lot of fics #i start to feel like no one actually reads it or cares about whats happening #idk how to explain it really #and i hope im not coming off as a bitch or anything bc i really do love yall for reading #i guess i just feel like people are moving on from hmh and i’m not ready for it to be done #and me being me i hope i don't upset anyone im just expressing how im feeling lmao #needy writer i guess lmaoooo