#when i was in elementary school i got bullied alot but teachers never did anything. i hated adults and didnt trust them. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

szopenhauer · 4 years

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If money was no object, would you change your wardrobe? I would add to my wardrobe more than change

How do you/did you get to school? walk, then by bus

Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn’t do? yep

Is the idea of having a secret admirer creepy or romantic? creepy

What was the last song you sung out loud? https://youtu.be/wycjnCCgUes

Were you excited to learn to drive, or scared? worried that I’ll waste my money

When was the last time you felt incredibly tired? today

In your opinion, who doesn’t deserve to be famous? many people

Was it hard for you to get up this morning? not really

When was the last time you colored with crayons or colored pencils? few months ago

Do you feel comfortable talking about your disorders, if you have them? depends

Where did you go on your last field trip? not sure which was last

Do you think you make a good first impression? no

Do other people’s first impressions stick with you? might

Have you ever had to give up on someone? sure

Would you rather break up with someone, or them break up with you? them break up with me (not my decision) but usually it’s the other way around

Do you think it’s okay to like a cover more than an original? umm...

Are you calm in emergency situations? depends

Who are you most attached to? my dad

What do you depend on other people for? money mostly :(

What goes through your mind when someone breaks up with you? depends

Do you match your shoes with your outfit? sometimes, it’s not that I have enough shoes to do that lol

Do you feel more comfortable with a male or female doctor/nurse? female

What was the last thing you bragged about? not sure what was last

What’s the ugliest thing on your wall? umm...

Who’s your favorite philosopher? Schopenhauer because of all the memes

Do you think Freud was out of his mind? well I prefer Jung

Einstein? he was cool

Who’s your favorite painter/artist? I like many

What day is it? Friday

Are you wearing anything blue? nah

Do you know anyone named Graham? just bread :P

Are you sitting next to anyone? not currently

Do you dislike the last person you Facebook messaged? nope

Who’s the quietest of all your friends? K. always was

Are you home alone right now? If so, where are the people you live with? my mom’s home, my dad is at work

Are you a chocoholic? noooo

Is there a song that reminds you of the person you love/like? Do you listen to that song often? one of them is t.a.t.u. - All the things she said

Do you listen to music while you fill out surveys? sometimes

In the past week, what song have you listened to the most often? not sure

While playing video games, do you prefer being first or second player? second

How many people do you depend on? not many

How many people do you think depend on you? they could live without me

What is the worst color combination? brown and black?

Have you ever injured yourself walking around in the dark? yeah

What’s so scary about clowns, anyway? nothing to me and it’s annoying that they’re part of so many horrors

When was the last time you acted like someone you’re not? sigh...

How many hats do you own/wear? shitload

Do you ever receive comments on your weight? ppl are jealous of my weight so basically my illness :(

Is there anything that you do just to make other people happy? of course

What was the last thing that you wrote down [with a pen/pencil]? not sure what was last

Has anyone told you that you have a nice smile? my gf only

Are you uncomfortable with being photographed? yup

Do you like playing tic-tac-toe? I always win What about hangman? I played it couple of times Are you dangerously in love with someone? woah

Are you cute or sexy? cute Is English your 1st language? it’s not Did you ever perform in front of your entire school? elementary - more than once Did your older sibling ever tell you freaky stories that you believed? one time she told me that school was flooded and there were fish and frogs and then I said that to my mom and she called me a liar and got mad even tho I explained to her it was my sister’s idea :( Are you single and proud? you can be single and proud as well as be happy in a relationship too, I am in one now Are you more happy when you’re with people or alone? 90% of time alone What do you think about guys shaving their legs? that’s their life Do you wear lipstick? nah Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced. I don’t wanna talk about it

What music album would be used for a movie about your life? soundtrack to my life would have to be a mix of songs from different bands/vocalists

Who was your first crush and what made them special? she was just adorable with her clumsiness and her perfect body and that face and voice and she was just a pretty cool friend to me and I wanted to take care of her so badly, she was the very first girl I ever had a crush on irl if not in general but she was hetero and she changed a lot (not in a good way in my opinion) Write about your first kiss. Was it everything you wished or hoped it would be? I... I never imagined my first kiss before it happened?...

Write about something you now know that you wish you knew earlier in life. How could this knowledge have helped you? blergh

Name one thing you feel brings out the good in people. there’s no such thing, it’s all about the person If you invented a device that could fix one problem you are facing right now, would you use it? What problem would you like to solve? absolutely, my health issues Name something you found; what was it and where did you find it? I’ve found shitload of stuff but one thing was the most odd and that’s a taxidermy ferret shawl someone left on a bus stop - at first we thought with dad it must be alive but we came closer and realized someone lost their piece of cloth and we took it Describe the longest amount of time you have ever been away from home. almost a month, I was in hospital Name a celebrity or famous person you wish would take you out on a date. - Have you ever seen a ghost? it seems, it was not just white but a little bluish, no legs and weird face - shaped like in a clay, mostly transparent, slightly glowing, it was in open doors of my room, I woke up with a weird feeling that someone’s watching me and I got really scared so I hidden under a blanket and didn’t look there again until morning, I was trying to convince myself it’s just a shirt that was hanged in the hall but mom said there wasn’t anything like that there at night, now I wish I could see that again hoping I would try to do something more brave about it, I kinda worry I was rude towards them whoever it was

*btw my grandma said that after death some chemicals leave the body and fly like a fog through the cemetery if casket and grave aren’t blocking it too much Describe your note-taking style and habits. everywhere and usually not in line, can be even upside down, just random, different size, clue words etc. Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be? suffering to deserve heaven? Have you ever done something just to feel the danger, or to feel alive? I hurt myself today To see if I still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that's real What are all your thoughts on god? overthinking... What did you learn today? for example - that explaining things to people make me realize more than just thinking about something What 5 traits do people first notice when they meet you for the first time? ask them Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone? poor tree :( In what ways have you traveled? car, bus, train, bike, even a little bit by ship What historical events happened the year you were born? nothing interesting

Do you watch really old tv shows or movies from the 1970’s or earlier? sure

What would you do if you saw a complete stranger dealing drugs in public? nothing If you don’t have to be up by a certain time, do you like to sleep in as late as possible? no longer than 11 am What are you wearing at the moment? Is it for any particular reason? pajama because it’s past midnight and I should be asleep but I have to finally finish this survey then dry my hair and drink some water first Are either one of your parents retired? my mom is and my dad will be soon Do you buy a lot of DVD’s, or do you tend to just watch everything online for free? watch online, I have no money for buying movies that I’ll watch less than 3 times Does everyone in your household own their own computer? nope

Are you a good gift giver? I try my best and been told that I am despite not being rich

Do you know what XOXO stands for? hugs and kisses

What’s the first person who comes to your mind when you hear the word blue? me

Have you seen any of the Harry Potter movies? first ones

Do you like your significate others siblings? I don’t know her brother

Have you ever recieved a singing birthday card? omg I loved those and I wish I got one :(

Do you remember who your kindergarten/pre-school teacher was? I liked her so much I’ve been sending her cards on holidays years after

Were you ever a girl scout or a boy scout? never

Do you own anything made of lace? hmm...

How many people do you share a name with? I don’t know anyone with my name

Imagine your dream home, does it have a fence around it? if it’s not an apartment then of course it does, highest possible and thick as I don’t want to see or be seen by my neighbors

Do you own any yellow shoes? yep

Can you type fast? very

In school were you bullied? I was

Are you sarcastic? yeah

Do you read the newspaper? nah

If you died today where do you think you’d go? hell :(

Have you ever been to therapy? few times, didn’t help

Do you use online dating? did

Did you miss alot of school? I was sick often

What was the last thing you got falsely accused of? not sure what was last

What was the last thing you ordered online? shirt, I’m waiting for the package now

Have you ever been kicked out of a store? no :o

Do you feel like you accomplished anything today? hmm...

What is/was your favorite teen magazine? trzynastka or however this shit was called

Would other people describe you as creative? I guess

What color are your slippers? grey and white

Are you haunted by memories of stupid things you’ve said and done? constantly

Did you like high school or college better? didn’t go to college

Who was your favorite Olsen twin? I didn’t have a favorite

Do you ever listen to Celtic music? used to, with John

Do you know a lot of rich and spoiled and selfish people? had classmates like this and neighbors too

Do you enjoy mornings? rarely, not really

Have you ever feared going to jail or thought about what it would be like? thought

Did you know that the zodiac signs (the regular ones) are Greek? ok

Have you ever learned about Greek mythology in school? didn’t like it

Do you stay up late? as you can see

what do you hear right now? nothing

what is one thing in your life you feel truly guilty for? personal

have you ever been slapped in the face? I’ve been slapped without any reason, I was bullied

how about punched? hit with a ball only and my head was hit with a bottle too once

have you ever come up with a memorable quote yourself? I’ve been quoted

what do you think about masturbation? personal

What color did you first ever dye your hair?: either red or black

What’s the color of the bath towel you use most often?: green

Ever eaten a piece of dog or cat food out of curiosity?: ewww, nooo

Can you name one song by Prince?: Purple rain for example

Would you rather paint or make pottery?: paint

Are you currently taking this survey before or after 9pm?: after, I started over 5 hours ago...

Is the sun shining bright outside right now?: it’s the middle of the night!

Would you rather watch a horror movie or a romantic comedy?: romantic comedy ^^”

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and-i-uh · 4 years

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6? 22? Any other number you wanted to answer?

6- i dont have any stim toys, ive never really delved into that stuff, i was never really given the chance to explore stuff that would help me out with stimming and such. I also dont think i would like stim toys? Maybe i just have to try some but idk.

22- idk any specific songs i stim to. But ive stimmed while listening to mcr, and honestly i just stim to alot of the general songs i listen to. I really like singing along, i think thats a stim of mine, and some songs just listening to them is like stimming (anything with drums and/or guitars)

2- i like blankets a lot. Even if im hot and dont really need one, ill subconsciously grab the blanket on the couch and put it on my lap, and on my bed. There was one day i grabbed a pocket-sized beanie baby and put itin my hoodie pocket, and just knowing it was there made me happy. Also when i was with my friends one of them stuck their hands in my pocket and i panicked and like moved it out of their reach bc i was scared to get made fun of lol, it ended up being fine. I sleep with stuffed animals a lot. I think thats it

3- my school experiences were,,, not fun at all. Theres a lot to unpack there. My schools all had this thing called a “504 plan” or whatever. And it’s supposed to help people with certain disorders/disabilities. Mine only acknowledged my adhd as far as i know. Maybe my anxiety too. Some of the things that were supposed to ‘help’ were moving me to the front of the room, i got extended time to complete stuff (supposedly), extended time on certain tests (which i only saw on the act, literally i got no other extended time to do anything else. And after i got extended time on the act my scores shot up. Imagine the potential if i was given my actual extended time shit) and the meetings were hell. They started to have meetings with me in middle school, sixth grade i think. Having an administrator there, and my parents, and at least one teacher was terrifying to me. I think i cried every meeting. Honestly it felt like an interrogation to me, esp with all the damn eye contact and shit. My dad asked me if i wanted to continue it this year and i was immediately like fuck no nuh uh not happening. And whether or not I actually needed to be in the front of the room depended on the class, teacher, the people in there, but a lot of the time i would just be moved to the front and i would hate it. In eighth grade my math teacher moved me from the back of the room (a favorite seat in that class) to the front of the room in the middle of class for like a week. It was honestly humiliating and the only time i was eventually able to express my opinion on the 504 shit. Actually my freshman math teacher did that too. Ahaha moving on now before this gets too long.

4/5- three negative and positive things about being autistic.

Pros-

(1) i dont really have a chance to not have a hobby. Ive always got an interest to keep me entertained and i like that.

(2) stimming is nice, i like it, im not afraid to let myself stim. Makes me feel better.

(3) im unique and shit. I have a different pov than other people and that allows me to have different ways of thinking. I think outside the box ig. I also have this weird version of confidence and objectivity that I appreciate in myself

Cons-

(1) its hard to feel like i belong somewhere, bc im so different. Im getting better at it but im not good at getting close to people.

(2) i also like,, dont have certain permanence? Like object permanence? A lot of the time i dont really miss things/people unless im somewhere that reminds me of them. Idk if it’s negative really but its something,, even a spin, like bts, i dont really miss them that much until i do. Theyre still very important to me but yeah

(3) people dont really get me the same way other people get other people. And its hard for me to explain it to people. And theres certain people i get more than others. Its weird.

7- people need to give autistics a chance to be heard. Apply the accommodations you “give” them. Dont put them in the spotlight and give them space when needed. We are what you might call “picky” too. Eating, learning, socializing, we have our own things we need to be able to do shit. Learn them. Let us stim. Encourage us to learn about ourselves and remind us that youre there for us. But dont try to help us unless we ask or we actually need help. Dont trigger meltdowns on purpose, stop using the r word even in passing like its not a big deal. Be more than aware of us, accept us, appreciate us. Dont be a bystander.

8- i dont have much experience with meltdowns? I think? If i have i didnt have chances to recover. I had to go back to class or something. Idk how to recognize them in me either.

10- showering. Thats a big thing that even though i kinda need i forget to do. Except during school. I had a whole routine in the morning and i was super punctual. If i didnt shower i would be late, miss the bus, forget something.

12- meat. The way it feels. Disgusting. How do people eat it and not feel like dying? Same with lettuce. Spinach is fine but every time i try to eat lettuce I almost throw up. Bell peppers, pickles, vinegar, mayo, eggs usually, cheese sometimes. Just off the top of my head. One time i tried putting lettuce on my burger, was feeling adventurous, and after biting down i had to just take the lettuce off. Another time, my stepmom (newly married to my dad) made slads for us, and i was skeptical. There was white stuff all over the salad and she wouldnt tell me what it was. I tried eating a little carrot stick thing and almost vomited. Thats when she learned I cannot eat mayo. Even if idk that its mayo i still cant fuckin eat it. She forced me to eat bell peppers one time. Didnt go well at all. At all.

(Not gonna do the spin one bc ive already talked about them and if i do again itll be too long)

15- yes! I only do big stuff(?)(like yelling n shit) when im completely alone. Like if im home alone. Bc i get so loud. Sometimes ill hum in my room or sing to myself in my room though. Its so fun. As for phrases i repeat, ill repeat anything i find interesting. In a movie or song, or even something a friend said. One time my mom said the phrase “tough titty said the kitty but the milks still good” and i went around the kitchen repeating it until she got annoyed. Also sometimes something in the room will have a constant sound and ill like think a phrase to that sound repeatedly. Idk how to explain it lol. Idk if thats echolalia either

16- rocks. Typical i know, collecting rocks. But i just cant help it. I see a rock i like, i pick it up, take it home. I used to collect sticks. And when i was in elementary school, i used to pick shit up off the playground. Beer bottle caps was a favorite. Apparently the school called my mom about it bc they found my stash and thought it was from home and my parents were drinking excessively. 😬 oops

18- introverted?

19- kinda depends. Idk. I really cant tell wow. I would probably say hypersensitive. Just cause i have a ton of sensory issues and a lot of stuff bothers me. Like types of clothes. And how things are resting on my body. Yeah i guess i am hypersensitive.

20- i used to struggle with self love a lot. And sometimes i still kinda do. But in the past few years ive really started appreciating myself and trying to learn a lot about myself. Its going well id say.

21- empathy. Hmm. I think im very empathetic, actually. I can always tell when someone is feeling uncomfortable in a situation. And when i should tell people to back off of them if they wont say it themselves. And im very uncomfortable when theres secondhand embarrassment. And bullying, in something im watching or reading. Yknow, I actually cant watch mean girls. I just. I tried, i had to walk away bc I couldn’t take it. It also kinda triggers me so theres that. Bc of the bullying. But yeah im very empathetic. Otherwise socially im not good at that.

23- nope. Ive got like no support system other than tumblr and online friends. Apparently my dad refused to acknowledge im autistic and hes my favorite parent. Thats his big flaw though. And if i “came out” to him and said it myself he would probably come around. I know hes not completely nt either. My Opa has ocd, so nuerodiversity runs in the family ig.

While making this i got distracted and went on insta for like an hour oops lol

24- steampunk cosplay? Or college dorm tips? The steampunk one was freshman year, and the college dorm one was fifth grade. It lasted well into sixth grade and seventh grade.

#actually autistic #autism #autism acceptance #special interest #ask #spin #spins #autistic

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lighthouseroleplay · 5 years

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ROMAIN AUCLAIR

( 21 , cis male , he/him )

♪♫ currently listening ⧸⧸ victorious by panic at the disco!

a bottle of champagne shattered on the ground, syllables fumbled in a mouth unused to them, fingertips that smell of smoke. a smear of crimson lipstick, white teeth grinning widely, dark leather jackets on broad shoulders. neatly tailored shirts, autumn trees’ burnt orange hue, marble statues, an ever-present disdain for authority. the gleam of fireworks, dark alleys, a loud arrogance.

• montgomery was a hookup, nothing more. or at least that’s what you’d assumed? in a back corner of a party, kissing gently, until you or he disappeared back into it — barely something to register on your own radar. it seemed to have registered, on his, though, and the way he blushed to look at you, avoided you in class and stammered, shyly: it was endearing, and made you curious, made you wonder if to him it was perhaps more than that to him.

• ramirez was your partner in crime, unused to the type of luxury you reveled in, but a willing participant nonetheless. you appreciated their effortless cool, shared their music with your friends back in france, and wanted their success, not for the acclaim it would bring you, as their friend, but in a surprisingly selfless way. they had a passion for music in a way you didn’t understand, but admired: you’d never felt so passionate about anything. music, intellectual pursuits, sports, all had always felt almost useless, a means to an end, never anything you wanted to devote your life to. ramirez knew what they wanted to do, who they wanted to be, and you longed for that kind of certainty.

taken by julie ⧸⧸ younes kahlaoui

PARIS, FRANCE

“vraiment, cette attitude, il tient ça de ta famille.”

“t’es pas sérieux? t’as vue ta mère? elle se prend pour la reine-mère, nous parle comme si on était qu’une bande de chiens. elle est aussi arrogante que ton fils!”

“non. définitivement pas. ce gamin, c’est ton fils.”

the road ahead is flat, uneventful. trees are running, and romain tries to find someone, something, hiding into the trees. his father’s driving, fast and careless. his mother is fixing her makeup again. they’re both trying to convince each other that romain is not their son; that his faults are a result of either DNA, and not a result of their parenting. never would they win an award for being the most present, caring parents. both are successful, father works in the financial world, his mother a up-and-coming fashion designer. they fight, alot. not often about their three older sons. but mostly about the youngest. they often do that when the boy messes up. today, it’s a fist in an annoying girl’s face. she kept telling him that he was stupid. kept laughing at him you have girl lips and pointing at him. his mother always told him that he should never hit girls (but boys are ok, right mother?) but his father always told him that real men stood up when they are intimidated, bullied. so why, oh why, is it bad that he hit angela’s bird-like face? she certainly deserved it. romain is a real man, he stood up.

his mother sighs, romain keeps his attention focused on the road outside. she turns to him, her dark hair encircling her face, accentuating her jaw. his mother, imane auclair, née imane karam, is the epitome of refinement. though, her eyes are never kind. especially not towards her last son. she told him, once, that she hated him. hated how gorgeous he was, as if he stole all of her remaining beauty. romain was seven at that time, and he remembers this as if it just happened. he despises imane. can’t wait to be out of her clutches. “mais pour l’amour de dieu romain, pourquoi t’as frappé cette fille? t’es en manque d’attention, c’est ça?” she barks the words at him, but he focuses on the scenery outside. thinks that if he keeps his attention elsewhere, then her words would glide off him. she scoffs and turns back to rearranging her lipstick.

romain does not understand where his anger comes from; would never quite be brave enough to look deep. it is probably rooted in this twisted thing the auclairs call family.

the trees are running, and romain thinks he spots something dark, dangerous, lingering in the woods.

they send him to Sainte Perpetue’s lycee, in the heart of Paris. he’s fourteen and has been expelled from three different elementary schools. no matter the price his parents offer, not a lot of lycees wants him in their ranks. he’s been into fights, he’s been arrogant, he’s been abusive. he’s a bully and he knows it.

of all the things they do, they send him to a boarding school. he wouldn’t have minded the public educational system, rather than this prissy, snob school. it’s a school known for its disciplinary measures. nuns march the corridors, brothers watch their recess time. it’s a prison, disguised as higher education. they think that he will learn his place in the world.

instead of discipline, romain learns procrastination.

instead of rigueur, romain learns the taste of stolen champagne bottles.

he meets beatrice there, whom is highly mean but highly fun. she teaches him how to put makeup on, lipstick red and messed up on his face. une image de sa mère, pâle parodie, un amour cynique. she does not care much about a lot of things. romain can relate.

he meets martin there, whom he kisses in front of the whole school in cinquième. martin does not speak to him for two whole months after that; romain knew he was not ready to come out. but romain has never been much of a good friend, or patient. but martin is a steady, if not a bit overwhelming, friend.

he despises the uniform, gets detention everytime he forgets his tie. the evergoing stares of the teachers, watching them, making sure they form a line, that they don’t run in corridors, that the uniforms are pressed and cleaned. nothing better for difficult childs, the principal assured his mother. she did not even say goodbye, désolé, mon chéri. j’ai une réunion avec les investisseurs.

it’s not all bad, romain knows. he discovers literature, and poetry, then. gets lost in music. martin makes him listen to new bands, americans, french, even canadians. he joins beatrice in secret parties, they get into bars during the weekends, even though they’re underaged. they drink and smoke, and it eases everything. no more pressure, just the low, warm feeling in his belly, like a beast that has finally calmed down. he kisses martin again, in a dark alley, the night heavy around them, like a blanket protecting them from the outside, the reality of their own situation. martin is pliant, flexible, under his hands. and when romain gets on his knees, martin whispers his name against the silence, and romain loves how it sounds like a prayer.

martin comes up to them with a crumbled sheet, sits next to romain (close, always too close, romain feels claustrophobic) and ignores the dirty looks sent by beatrice, who was busy talking about romain’s mother new collection (she keeps insisting that romain introduces her to his mother). “vous savez pas, je fais partie de l’échange!” he’s shaking the paper so much, which contains a list of name, and romain tries to take a look but can’t. he frowns and goes to fetch it as soon as martin calms down a little, an agile move, like a panther going for the kill. as soon as he reads it, he scoffs. gives back the paper. “quoi, romain? t’as pas été pris? hallelujah pour ces pauvres américains.” beatrice snickers, steals the rest of romain’s vegetables.

romain is pissed. not that he’s definitely passionate about traveling, but everything sounds better than france right now. and he’s got good grades (he’s got excellent grades). and he didn’t get into detention for the last three weeks. he wanted a place in the exchange, mostly to shut up martin. but they decided to choose martin, of all people. sweet, immaculate, pure and well-mannered martin. he looks over at martin, who’s ecstatic, listening to beatrice’s advices on how to get in bed with american boys with a small smile. he feels robbed.

martin is called to the principal’s office a few days later.

martin gets detention for the rest of the year, then. loses his spot in the exchange. that’s what you get when the schools finds pot and alcohol in your room, under your bed. they don’t listen to his defenses, because nothing can go against cold, hard evidence.

and coup de théâtre! romain gets the spot (also gets a black eye from martin’s fist, but no one comments on that).

THE DAY

“Grief is something you carry around inside of you, like a secret second heart, its rhythm known only to you.”

she keeps talking and talking about it. it’s an obsession, one he can’t quite get into. he wishes they could go back to smoking joints by the port without andy going on about the damned lighthouse. he tells her that; romain hasn’t known her for as long as some other students here, but they developed an easy, honest kind of friendship. harsh she is, she often tells him how an asshole he is. and in the same way, he calls her out when she’s being too much. “can you … chill? i mean, you were supposed to show me california, not some dusty, old … books.” he gestures to the book she borrowed (stole) from the archives. she fixes him with a glare, one he’s come to know so well in the last two years. he likes tenebrin, more than he would admit to martin an beatrice. but he felt somewhat calmer here, away from the imposing pressure of his family. he still got detention in tenebrin, though. it seems that teachers did not like his french callouts. or french replies. fair enough, he guesses.

“fine, walk me through it again.” that’s something they both have in common. their curiosity. how much they both can push against tenebrin before tenebrin pushes back? when she asks him, have you ever swam in the ocean and he easily says yes, he can see the jealousy in her eyes. he thinks he understands then.

so he follows where she goes, because he’s curious. though, there’s an anxious feeling that creeps up in the back of his mind as soon as they arrive in the port. a storm is brewing, the waves crashing upon the shoreline. violent, angry. he’s familiar now, with the weather, grey skies painting the scenery, the morning fog and the dark waves. andrea is far in front of him, and he takes a moment to look at the lighthouse. standing strong in the port, he never really gave it too much attention. but now, he thinks, it feels as if its guarding the town from something. he wonders about the tales that andrea filled his mind with, all those months ago, when he first set foot in tenebrin. reaching out without much thinking for his phone, he texts ramirez real quick. a message, void of any fun or jokes. like they’re used to. “andy! wait up!” he runs after her.

he comes back, mouth shut, eyes empty. martin and beatrice shoot him looks, they’re worried. he keeps reaching for his phone, an unsent text to andrea. if he calls her number, he can still hear her voicemail. his cellphone bills explode, long distance fees ignored. the clares hasn’t deactivated it yet. maybe like him, they like to call her. maybe like him, they have unsaid things, heavy on their heart, that they pour in andrea’s voicemail. he didn’t even stay for the burial. unable to meet mrs. clare’s eyes, guilt pressing on his shoulders. pressing, and pushing down. soon he’ll join her. maybe he should have joined her, should have tried to save her. a voice in the back of his mind (why didn’t you help) keeps interrupting his every thoughts. his days are (coward, coward) disrupted, short and too long.

beatrice brings him to the school’s counselor; romain doesn’t see the point. in less than a week, they’ll graduate. he will leave the Sainte Perpetue’s white halls, will bid adieu to the white, austere marble statues adorning the school’s corridors. will shed the school’s uniform like a second skin, and will fly away. the school knows what happened, of course they do. they probably think it’s his fault. but they say nothing to him, and the counselor only hands him pamphlets to help him deal with his fucking grief.

romain laughs in his face, something twisted and ugly. remembers; that’s what you get when you let people in.

le deuil.

his brother says something, accuses the dead. time holds still, all of them waiting for the other shoe to drop. her mother silently scoffs at manu, sends him a glare. manu shrugs. romain understands, in this very moment, that they don’t really get what happened. they think it’s his fault (they don’t say it, but he knows. oh yes, he knows that this guilt, eating and gnawing at his heart, is nothing but deserved).

romain hits manu, his mother screams and brunch is, once again, ruined because of him. his brother said well she just had to put a lifevest or something. his knuckles are red, tainted by his anger, by blood that’s not his. gabe grabs him and shoves him away. he wants to tear them apart, he wants to see them in her place, fighting against the waves.

WELCOME BACK, WILD CHILD

Sometimes it makes no sense at all

If I stumble, will I fall?

If I fall, I'll tuck and roll

Close my eyes and let the love-light guide me home

Let the love-light guide me home

martin looks at him, smoke hanging from his lips. romain would like to immortalize this look, he thinks. the moon plays with shadows on the other man’s pale skin, an halo around his head. a marble statues in a long corridors of mistakes and lies. a fixture in his life, unmoving. present. “romain, you know you’re an asshole, yeah?”

waves crashing upon the shoreline. violent, angry

romain nods, moves slowly, like a cat ready to hunt. kneels before martin, the wooden floor hard underneath him. “yeah, i guess.” his long fingers takes the cigarette, brings it to his own lips. inhales, exhales. martin leans, breathes the smoke for a moment. crashes in romain a second later, hand in his hair. they kiss for awhile, practically unmoving. romain realizes that he missed him, somewhere between the end of the high school and his moving away to london. it resurfaces now, as he came back to france. romain’s father suffered a fall from horseback, a tragic, ugly thing. his death does not come that much of a surprise, or does not bring grief.

after what happened, three years ago, romain knows grief well enough. does not need it anymore. his father’s death is a sad affair, brought him back to la mère patrie. he’s been studying photography, back in london. working with some of his mother’s contacts (a debt he knows he could never repay). heard through beatrice that martin was sick. some kind of unpronounceable cancer. if romain had been a poet, he might have convinced himself that he was cursed to love ghosts.

the waves are --

“you’re leaving. again.”

romain nods, again. he hates how martin always sees through him, but revels in this easiness. the dreams came and stayed. romain told himself at first that he perhaps associated martin to everything that happened in tenebrin. that would be the reason why he kept having those horrible dreams.

-- crashing.

“are you coming back?” martin’s fingers follows the hard lines of romain’s jaw, cheekbones, lips. romain closes his eyes for a moment, focuses on the feeling. he’s not sure what will happen back in tenebrin. he has a bad feeling about this.

“i don’t know.”

have you ever swam in the ocean

(well she just had to put a life vest or something)

“what a fucking asshole.”

romain chuckles, looks up at martin’s perfect face. if he’d been less than an horrible man, perhaps he would have told him that he’d call him. that he’d miss him. romain does not know about those things; his head is filled with waves, crashing and violent.

he sets foot in tenebrin port once again, his jacket heavy on his shoulders. he walks, slowly, through the silent streets. it’s too early, and ramirez won’t answer his texts. he got practically nothing with him, beside a small hand bag. he remembers some of the stores, colourful against the usual monotony of the port. fishermen told him, once when he travelled in newfoundland, that the people used to paint their houses with bright colours so that the sailors could see the coast, and recognize their homes. why would tenebrin do the same, when their sea was nothing but murderous?

romain walks, and walks. and ends up here. their bench. he sits, looks down at the tips of his fingers, pink with cold. looks back up, at the sea : “alors, on fait quoi maintenant?”.

#auclair: skel #skel: all #auclair #skel: closed

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woojinieemoved · 6 years

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Friends to Lovers!Kim Donghyun

member: kim donghyun // mxm

genre: fluff

writing type: bulletpoint

word count: 1.4k

a/n: lol im either gonna edit a bunch of my writings or just copy and paste so sorry if some look nice and some look crusty // this one is rewritten btw!

my masterlist

so it all started when you had a project in your first year of middle school

it was kinda big for a middle school class so your teacher randomly assigned people

and wow what a coincidence you got the one and only kim donghyun!!

you had no idea who he was so you assumed he probably went to another elementary school

meeting him wasn’t too awkward?? he was super smiley and spoke kinda loud but somehow you found comfort in that

ofc since you were partners for a project, you went to meet up at the library to do research

but like that ended REEEAAAAL quickly bcuz yall are too loud lol

first of all you werent even completely focused bcuz donghyun kept making super bad jokes that were funny as a middle schooler

you’d both be laughing so fuckin loud that the librarian would have to kick you out

well ok looks like you’re going to your house to do continue the research i guess

your parents were like “omg you brought a boy home is this your boyfriend” bcuz yeah boy + girl hanging out = dating according to everyone

you looked really disgusted and donghyun looked awkward

yall basically just met so why would you even think about that!! plus you’re in middle school you don’t care about dating yet

“guys you havent even said hi to him but you already made him uncomfortable he’s just my partner for this project we have to do in class”

even tho he felt awkward, he still kept his happy, polite self and introduced himself to your parents

since it was probably a bad idea to go back to the library, donghyun would frequently come over to finish the project

your parents grew to like him more (and so did u ;) ) and him coming over would be normal now

even after you finished the project, you guys basically became super close and you would hang out alot outside of school

every year, the both of you would be praying that you’d be in the same class

if you werent, you’d be late to your classes bcuz you dont want to separate yet

until the bell rings again then you’re dashing your ass down the hall

now it wasnt until you got into highschool where people were more serious and fuckin drastic

being the major flower boy that he is, he snatched the hearts of so many girls in school

this means a shit ton of chocolates on the day of valentines !!

for him atleast lol

you never complained about not being able to get chocolates because he always shared the chocolates he got with you

but like you also knew that some girl would be brave enough to call him out to confess to him

you may have accidentally walked in on some of them mid-confession

slams door open

“donghyun where the hell are you we need to get the limited edition plush at the arcade and you know damn that’s gonna take fore- oh”

oops awkward for all of you

aaaaanndd since this is highschool some girls are petty as hell and will be like “i’ll do anything it takes to be with oppar11!!!1!1″

so you occasionally get bullied

frequently

woops they spilled juice on your notebook

woops they thought your textbook was trash

oh no where did your bag go- its outside?? and the window is open??

it took a while for donghyun to notice that you were getting bullied by his fangirls

ok in reality he only noticed because you started to distance yourself from him because of it

dh: y/n? where are you? i thought we were gonna go to the cafe

you: oh right sorry i had to go to the library for hw

dh: library??? homework??? ok its super obvious thats a lie where are you

you: wow can i not be responsible without being suspicious im just trying to pass highschool

dh: :/

dh: i know you’ve been lying alot lately y/n whats going on

you: well idk if youre just blind or stupid but your dumb fangirls are getting in my way and its annoying having to deal with them

dh: fangirls? what have they been doing? why do you have to stop hanging out with me?

you: ok youre just dumb...

dh: omg are you getting bullied

you: yes you idiot those fangirls of yours are brutal

dh: y/n..... im sorry.. i didn’t see that

you: yeah i know its been happening for months

dh: well i’ll treat you to food to make you feel better so hurry and get to the park

you: but im at home

dh: you live 3 minutes away from the park

you: im already in bed with snacks and netflix

dh: ok fine i’ll come over then

you: wait get ice cream before you come back

dh: yeah yeah ok

you wait a good 8 minutes and hear your door slamming open, your bed bouncing from donghyun whale flopping onto it

“you got the ice cream?”

he holds up the bag and says “right here”

“ok good lets make a fort now”

“why?”

you stared at him blankly

“perfect reason i’ll get the blankets”

he gets up and runs to the hallway closet, grabbing the extra blankets your family keeps

you get up to find as many extra pillows so that you can use it to support the fort

takes yall a good 25 min to do but its worth it

you snuggle up under the fort and start to eat your slightly melted ice cream

after like 3 movies, your eyes start to get heavy since you’re warm under the blankets and donghyun’s arms

donghyun was pretty immersed in the movie so he didnt see you slowly drift off to sleep

it wasnt until he was going to make some sort of witty comment to you about what was happening in the current scene

your cheek was pressed against his chest and your arms balled up in front of you

he smiles to himself and grabs his phone next to him to snap some pics of your sleeping face

he figured he should just go to sleep too since you arent awake to make dumb comments about the movie anymore

he closes your laptop and gently holds you to place your head on the pillow and shimmies himself to lay down as well

boom now you’re both dead asleep and snuggly

ok fast forward in time

its your senior year and yall r kinda burnt tf out bcuz of college applications and scholarships

but wow its valentines again!!!11!

you were prepared to see donghyun struggling to carry a ton of chocolates but instead you were greeted to him holding a bouquet of roses and a bucket of fried chicken

“did someone give you chicken for valentines? is that their way of not being like everyone else and giving you chocolates”

he lets out a nervous laugh and steps closer to you

“no, but its my way of not being like everyone else”

he holds out the bouquet and chicken in front of you

you stare at him like ??? lol ok

“wow is this finally my own gift of appreciation this year”

“in some sort, yeah”

“awwww thanks best friendddddd” you lightly smacked his arm and took the things from his hands

before you could take the time to look at the roses, donghyun grabbed your wrists and looks at you dead straight in the eyes

your heart sped up but you tried to make a joke to make it look like you werent nervous

“what do you want me to share the chicken?”

“y/n can i kiss you”

“wait what-”

he just goes in and plants his lips on top of yours

not too roughly tho

it was like a soft pillow on your lips and you did not pull away or complain at all

you leaned forward a bit to deepen the kiss since you couldnt really grab him or anything

cuz yaknow

ya got chicken and a bouquet occupying your hands

donghyun got the hint and hesitantly placed his hands on your hips

eventually the both of you couldnt breath so you pulled away and stared at each other

“im sorr-”

“shut up you absolute dork i cant believe you kissed me first before even saying anything” you teased

he shoved his face into your shoulder out of embarrassment and laughed

but it was all a scheme

he used that chance to whisper right into your ear:

“i love you y/n”

now its you shoving your face into his chest from embarrassment

“i hate you so much kim donghyun,...”

me too y/n, me too.....

#kim donghyun #mxm #mxm kim donghyun #produce 101 scenarios #produce 101 imagines #produce 101 #produce 101 fluff #mxm fluff #mxm scenarios #mxm imagines #p101 #p101 scenarios #p101 imagines #kim donghyun scenarios #kim donghyun imagines #kim donghyun fluff #kim donghyun fanfic #produce 101 fanfic

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nanalikessurveys · 5 years

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[Elementary School] Do you still remember any dreams you had a a child? No i don’t, i’m really bad at remembering my dreams anyway What was your favorite game to play back then? I played different types of tag games, i was really good, i was a fast runner lol How many best friends did you make through the years? Trough the elementary school years (1-6) i had a lot of friends, i actually don’t know why because i was really shy and quiet lol, i was really close with them. But when i started 7th and we went to different schools and i lost contact to all of them How many enemies? I didn’t have any enemies, just bullies, i guess you could call them enemies? Did anything tragic happen to you when you were little? Idk, just the bullying and my parents splitting up

Did anything absolutely amazing happen? Just spending time with my friends and family, traveling abroad and stuff like that How was your relationship with your parents back then? I’ve always had great relationship with my parents Did you believe in cooties? I don’t know what that is Did you ever get a cootie shot? -

What was your favorite snack to eat? Snack bars and Candy lol Did you own any pets during this time? We had two cats, one of them had to be put to sleep tho in fifth grade i think?

What was your personality like? I was really shy and quiet, lazy aswell lol, but i was still pretty happy and had a good self esteem, i did dance and gymnastics which made me really competitive and passionate

What was your favorite song[s]? I don’t remember, but i liked this one swedish singer Darin, lol What kind of toys did you like to play with? Cash registers lol, and miniature toys, barbies [Middle School/Junior High]

I’m from Finland, we don’t have this middle school-high school-thing, sooo i’ll just consider middle school as seventh grade only

How did your personality change from Elementary to Middle School? I became really insecure, i started hating myself, i wasn’t that happy anymore. I have lost all of my friends then but i made one new friend then who is still my best friend to this day. What was your favorite thing to do during this time? Listen to music, spend time with my friend or just be alone in my room Who were some of your closest friends? My friend i talked about in the answer above How often did you get involved with Middle School drama? I never experienced any drama really What kind of “clique” were you in? Or did you not beleive in cliques? I wasn’t involved in any cliques, i hated those lol How did people treat you? I was bullied, but not so much anymore, other than that i was pretty invisible to others Do you look back on these years fondly? Well some memories yes What was your typical kind of lunch during school? Whatever the school offered What school[s] did you go to? Not going to tell the name Was it really as bad as some people say Junior High is? Idk Did you like to read? No i didn’t What was one good memory you have of this time? I had some funny teachers, like english and biology, i loved going to their classes Were you still enemies with someone from elementary school? No enemies If you could go back and change one thing, what would you change? Just the way some people would treat me

[High School]

And high school for me is 8th and 9th grade ok, lol

Are you still in High School? Nope Who were some of your close friends? Just her Who were some of your enemies? No enemies How did your personality change from the previous years? I was pretty sad, my mental illnesses started to creep up, i ditched school alot because i was afraid to go to school. I couldn’t study at all and i felt like a failure Going in, did you really think they were going to be the best 4 years ever? I wasn’t really optimistic about 8th and 9th grade Were they? (or are they if you’re still in High School) Definitely not What’s one memory of High School can you look back on and grin? I really don’t know Did you ever cry while you were in school? Yeah, alot How was your love life? I didn’t have a partner, i wasn’t even crushing on anyone tbh How was your social life? Nope, didn’t exist aswell Did you have any teachers that you just absolutely loved? Yes Did you have any teachers that you just absolutely despised? Nope, not really How were/are your GPA? It was bad, not horrible, but bad Did you know anyone who got pregnant? No [There’s no time like the present] Do you currently have a job? I do not What kind of job do you *want* to have? I want to study criminal psychology and do something like that, but knowing me, not going to happen What do you like to do on your free time? Wathing YouTube and eating What’s your relationship with your parents now? Good Do you own any pets? We have two cats How many places have you traveled to? Many + i have been to 8 different countries Do you own a cell phone? If so, what kind? iPhone 7 What are your goals for the future? Make money lol What’s your favorite kind of drink? Iced tea Did you ever get into the Twilight saga craze? Nope What about the Harry Potter craze? No Where is your mind at: The Past, the Present, the Future, or all around? The future What’s a really good movie you’ve seen recently? I liked the new Spiderman Are you happy where you are right now? Sure

#survey #surveys #this took me forever to do

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askia---1-blog · 7 years

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Seraisis the final judgement part one

"Where am I?"I looked around shielding my eyes trying to get them to adjust to the blinding light which seemed to be coming from everywhere and was starting to make my eyes ache, I try to stand up and feel my legs give out from under me. "Hello I am Seraisis but you can call me ser, I assume you are confused you humans always are." I heard a deep voice say from behind me, I turn around and blink my eyes trying to get them to adjust to the dark figure standing over me. As they did I realised it was a man in a cleanly pressed Grey suit with dark Green eyes and short Brown hair he had his hand out reached to help me up, I grabbed it and pulled myself up off the floor. "Yes I am confused how did I get here the last thing I remember is." I stop trying to remember what happened my stomach turned and I started to wish I hadn't, the last thing I remember is standing on the roof of the eight story appartment building I lived in ready to end it all and with no one there to stop me i did. "Am am I in the hospital or a mental Institution or s'somthing where a I?" I stammered "You are dead and this is what I like to call the in between, the place where your soul comes to get judged by me Seraisis the almighty judge of those who are too stupid to value their lives, I get to decide what happens to your soul so you better have been good cause it's too late to change anything." he said "You decide where my soul ends up." I asked hoping he would say no and start laughing praying that this was some kind of joke or prank no such luck. "Yes I do with the help of Amari of course." while he's talking I look behind him to see a girl in her early twenties about the same age as me with long curly black hair and brown eyes appear standing next to him as if only becoming visable at the mention of her name. "There are three places your soul may end up the first is the pyrosphere located at the center of your planet, it is a place of eternal fire, hate and pain." he explained "you mean hell?" I asked frightened at the thought that hell might be real. "Yes that is one of many names given to it by you humans. The last place your soul may go is," "heaven." Amari barged in and finished his sentence for him. "Let me talk Amari its not your turn yet, that is also a false name given to it by you humans it's true name is Senova or in your language oasis in the clouds." he said looking at the white nothingness above. "The last place your soul may end up is the world of the living.""you mean I can go back?" I yelled cutting him off "You can but don't be mistaken being banished to the world of the living is a lonely existence, you will be completely alone forced to watch the world go on without you. Now if your done with the questions shall we begin Maria?" As he says this his eyes faded turning as white as the room around us. "Don't worry they're supposed to do that they'll change colors alot as we review your life we'll be starting with your first lie." the room around us began to warp and change into a familiar scene the apartment I grew up in "But mom it wasn't me!" I heard a kid's voice yell from the kitchen, I turn to see who it is and realise it's my own voice I heard looking down at my four year old self "Well if it wasn't you then who was it?" I heard my mom's voice yell back as I saw her I burst out in years I hadn't seen her since she died of brain damage from a bad car accident when I was fourteen, but here she looks healthy so different compared what me and my sister had grown used to visiting her in the hospital. "It was Sam!" I yelled pointing at my sister who is two years older than me. "Well well well a little white lie to avoid a whooping, your mother believed you cause she thought you couldn't reach the cabinet with your favorite cookies, but you stood on the counter didn't you?" Ser asked his eyes turning a blue and green color like a clear ocean with seaweed at the bottom. "Yes and I ate the cookies till my stomach started to hurt and got rid of the rest in the outside trash."I answered wiping away my tears "seems pretty normal to me." Amari said "I agree what's next?" Ser asked Amari "Next up there's a first cussword." the room started to shift and fall turning into a new scene my second grade class "Maria it's your turn to come finish the problem on the board." Ms.Tussey who was my teacher at the time told me "NO!"my five year old self replied "And why not young lady." my teacher said back"cause maybe I don't want to you bitch!" I yelled at her, some of my classmates start giggling I laugh with them. "Go to the guidance office right now young lady." Ms.Tussey told me "I know where you got that one," Ser started as he did his eyes began changing from the ocean color and swirling into A stormy grey color. "A drunken, verbally abusive father."he finished. "next we have marias first fight." Amari told him the room began to change again this time turning into the playground outside of my elementary school my sister was under the monkey bars fighting the school bully and her younger sister, I see my 11 year old self come running from the slide on the other side of the playground I grab the bully's sister pulling her off my sister and hit her in the face and chest as hard as I can her face began to bleed but she wouldn't give up she hit my chin I get dazed and passed out. The room around darkens into an inky black, the only thing I could see was ser's glowing eyes as they changed from the the stormy gray to a sky blue. "Loyal even when it can get you hurt that's a good and respectable quality to have."he said "This memory is kinda weird ser I can't tell what's wrong with it yet it but doesn't seem to be her memory." Amari said "It's fine lets get into it." he told her the began to light up and come back into color turning into my best friend Jordan's garage where his parents kept their stash of weed, I snuck out the house that night around 10:00 to meet him. "Here dude you go first." my now seventeen year old self said handing him back the box after he showed me the cool eyeball bong that apparently changes colors when you smoke out of it. "Alright here." he grabbed the sandwich bag full of weed and filled the bong up half way then he grabed the lighter and started smoking, I payed attention to see if I could figure out how to do it without choking up a lung. "Here your turn" he said handing me the bong letting out smoke, I put the lighter to the bong and took a deep breath in, my lungs started to burn immediately making me cough and choke. "Your supposed to pull it into your mouth first then inhale slowly it doesn't hurt when I do it like that." he said holding back his laughter. I tried again this time doing what he said it worked I got so high I couldn't even remember what happened after we finished smoking but the memory went on. "Well we should head back now, i'm kinda hungry." Jordan said stuffing the box back in it's hiding place but as he did he felt something hidden behind the shelf where he sat the box. "What's this?" he said pulling out a small black metal box. From behind the small shelf he brought it over to the workbench we were sitting at and opened it "Woah is this thing real?" I asked grabbing a small revolver out from the box "I dunno maybe." he answered reaching for it, I pull the further from his hand and tried to check if it was loaded like they do on tv, but I couldn't figure it out so I just gave up and instead tried to have alittle Jordan with it. "This is the Sheriff put your hands up your surrounded." I said playfully holding the gun up to him. "Alright alright you caught me just watch where you point that thing sheriff." he said putting his hands up. "I'm taking you in Jordan Humphries the most wanted man this side of the west." I said gesturing to the door leading outside into his back yard his parents were out of town so we had free reign over the entire house, half of which was under construction so some places just had rebar supports and pipes that would make for a perfect jail cell, I was walking him across the yard to one of these rooms when he quickly turned around and yelled. "You'll never take me alive copper." he grabbed for the gun and I instinctively pull the trigger and made gun sound with my mouth but it was drowned out by the sound of the gun actually going off the bullet flew hitting Jordan in the stomach. "Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh jordan are you okay oh God oh God please be ok." I run and bend down next to him covering the wound as best I can with my hand. "Come on you can't die on me please." I beg crying harder than I ever had trying to stop the bleeding, But it was no use Jordan slowly stoped breathing. "This is where the anomaly begins ser the memory changes into someone else's." Amari said pointing at my younger self. "Well what is it Amari?"he asked sternly "I think it's another personality ser." she replied "Another personality what are you talking about this can't be real it can't I don't remember any of this." I said confused about what I just saw "Just listen." she said "But I don't hear anything." I told her but then I realised it my younger self stoped crying and began dragging Jordan's body toward The Unfinished pool. "No this isn't real Jordan isn't dead he just ran away." I said "Uh oh it seems Jessica has been very bad." ser said chuckling under his breath "Jessica?" I asked "Yes that is way your other personality named herself." Jessica made it to the giant hole and droped Jordan's body in he hit the bottom with a loud thud, she then went back into the garage and grabbed a shovel and began burying him under a thin layer of dirt, she then wiped the gun off on her shirt and dropped it on top and covered it in another more thick layer of dirt. By the time she was done it was about 3:40am we continued to followed her as she went back to my house and stripped down to her underwear in the back yard she then threw the clothes onto the grill and covered them in lighter fluid. "Your pretty smart aren't you?" ser asked as his eyes changed again this time to a dark orange color. "That isn't me." I replied angrily "Why of course not I was talking to her I guess I have two souls to judge now." he says pointing over my shoulder I turn around to see myself as if I were looking in a mirror but it wasn't me it was her Jessica standing right here with us. "I'm sorry I tried to protect us." she said lighting a match I look back to see my younger self set the pile clothe's on fire

#story #horror #reading #writing #writen by me #short story #horror story #creepypasta

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skiasurveys · 7 years

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Talk about...

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. - I cant remember that well since I was a little kid.. ( The lion king), um but I remember being so into it and I loved animals and it kind of started me wanting to draw. But i cant remember the first time i watched it.

2: Talk about your first kiss. We were really awkward, I liked him..but not enough, and so we went driving around, got starbucks, and then found this bench and we were talking/flirting, and then he just kissed me. But it was nasty asf, it was so gross. his spit was all over me, blehh. I hated it. I remember being like if this is kissing i do not want it. It wasnt tell i kissed another person that i was like Oh thats what its supposed to be like..

3: Talk about the person you've had the most intense romantic feelings for. He is my current boyfriend. We met on Okcupid in 2015 right after i had finished high school. It was like September. its funny because i wasnt rly serious on that site but then I started to talk to him and we hit it off really well.. we dated for a week then broke up LMAOOO. But then in April 2016 we started to talk again and in May we dated. so its been a year so far, and i am really in love with him. He and I click very well, he’s 7 years older than me. we play video games together but sometimes i watch him play by himself cus its fun that way too. He likes anime tho and i hate it lol. hes very funny and he can be super sweet and romantic and sometimes hes jusr a fkn nerd. idk what else to say before i start going on forever about it.

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far. Meeting the dude who assaulted me. we were just friends and i had a bad feeling about him but i shoved it off. and then he attacked and assaulted me. I wish i went with that gut feeling. Thank god hes gone.

5: Talk about the best birthday you've had. My best birthday was either my 18th or 19th. My 20th was boring. But my 18th I got a wii U and i got drunk too, and i had fun. but yeah, like idk the best prob was when i was a child and had lotsa friends and cake.

6: Talk about the worst birthday you've had. My 16th because my dad was dying.

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity. My biggest insecurity is my body shape.weight. I just hate it because I feel fucking ugly and fat and I really am not, but idk i just want to be skinny and tiny.

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of. I am proud that i graduated and got my license, since I was struggling to graduate which was like 2 years ago but i was going through a lot.

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. I like my eyes, and I do like that i have small hands and feet. ( its easy to find shoes). But I also like my legs and that I have a bigger butt.

10: Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had. theres been a few. But i think with my ex friend who just said she hated me and it was random asf, but she ghosted on me after and so it wasnt really a fight. another one i had was when i started to date my current BF and he wasnt being the best and I was like maybe i should drop him so i tried too and then we fought and then we actually were adults and explained the situation and we sorted it all out. since then we have been so good. like we know how eachother works. Lol fuck.

11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had. I cant think of one.

12: Talk about the worst dream you've ever had. i had a nightmare where this creepy ass creature was crawling up my walls and turned its head all around and had lifeless eyes and creepy sharp jagged teeth, and it was just terrifying. but then my mom killed it.. wtf

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. The first time i had sex I was super nervous. ( It was with my current bf), and we tried and then i started to cry because I was nervous and also from my trauma, and then he was like okay thats fine. Then later that night he asked if we wanted to try again so I said sure. and so we started to make out and then before i knew it was actually inside me and I was like wtf that wasnt bad, and it felt really good. It wasnt overly romantic like they make in movies but it was super good and he was slow and good with me. ever since then i crave dick every minute LMAOOO.

14: Talk about a vacation. I went to disneyland with my mom the year i was graduating high school. It was so much fun, I felt so safe and happy . I cant really explain what i felt just felt like everything was gonna be OK and the rides were just so awesome and the food was great lol

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life. It was when I was starting to date Connor again and we were hanging out and I was like wow, my life is going perfect right now and I felt so happy.

16: Talk about the best party you've ever been to. I never go to parties but the one i went to was at my boyfriends friends house and I just started to drink rum n coke and it was really good and made lots of friends but there wasnt that many people there but i felt really happy.

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with. I cant think of anyone lol

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school. i got bullied alot for stupid shit.

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school. I was in foods class and I was with my friend Jenna, Brittney, Shae and Julia. There was orientation for the kids from elementary that night, and so we asked if we could stay extra and make the cookies and so we were allowed. Then Julia and Shae left to use the washroom. Jenna and I had finished up and were heading to our other class, and as we walked in there was a alarm for a lock down and we were like holy shit. There was somekid with a knife walking around. they calmed him down, but it was really creepy. But our friend brittney was by herself in the foods room and she was crying and i felt so bad omg rip brittney

20: Talk about something that happened in high school. I had math class one afternoon and the class before me apparently this girl had a seizure. But i didnt know, so when we walked in the classroom I was like wtf why are the desks all pushed around and so i thought they did some activity, but it turns out this girl had a seizure, and my friend told me about it and how it was super traumatizing our teacher even got bit. it was really weird..

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. He is my friend still but he really liked me and he asked me out and I had to tell him No and i said that i wasnt looking for a relationship but it was super awkward but hes cool.

22: Talk about your worst fear. choking.

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down. I really liked this one guy and we went on a first date and then he asked if i wanted to chill the next week and so i said sure. But then that day he had texted me and said he was busy and that i couldnt come over and so I was like Oh ok, cool. and then he told me to make sure i wasnt looking for anything serious, and then so i never saw him again after the first date. But he was really boring so thank god i didn’t. and its funny cus a few months after he had some gf and i think he is still with her cus i would see them at the mall all the time. but yeah im glad it didnt work out!

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. One night ( this is cheesy ) It was like 4 am and Connor was watching TV and I was scrolling through tumblr lookin at funny memes/posts and he just turned and looked at me and said “Jen, youre my best friend” and it just made my night. It was super sweet and i felt great.

25: Talk about an ex-best friend. ho ho ho okay, so we were friends since grade 9 summer/beg of grade 10. we were close asf, we liked the same shit, we thought the same. she was great. she was the first best friend i ever had rly. so a couple times through out our friendship she would kind of vanisha nd not talk but it was her depression and it was annoying asf. anyways.. after grade 12 grad (this is like oct 2015), i tried to message her but it wouldnt let me! so i soon realized she blocked me on everything. i texted her thanks for that and then feb 2016 we became friends again, then may 2016 she ghosted on me but she finally sent message saying how she hated me etc and really too this day it hurts but i still dont know what actually fucking happened.

26: Talk about things you do when you're sick. if im really sick i just sleep and watch youtube videos. or ill have a bath.

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else's body. i really love my boyfriends arms. theyre so big and strong. mmmm.

28: Talk about your fetishes. i dont rly have a fetish tbh.

29: Talk about what turns you on. i like when my bf dominates me, but not too hardcore. I like neck kissing, facial hair, deep voices, motivation. I like being tackled like play fighting and i like when he touches my thighs etc. mm

30: Talk about what turns you off. being an asshole, racist/sexiest, if youre super smelly. if youre really tall and skinny.

31: Talk about what you think death is like. i dont know. its probably weird asf.

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. i remember this place called Moonwalkers and it was this crazyass jungle gym we had and it was the best shit ever.

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad. i draw, listen to music, have a bath..etc

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured. getting hit by a car.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. i wish i would stop comparing myself to every fucking person i see.

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures. some anime.

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. i thought i loved wade, but i really was just liking the idea of someone. this was in high school. lol it was really weird and i didnt like it.

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. it depeds on the song and the person. pink floyd reminds me ofmy ex friend. Anime/kpop songs remind me of Kyra and super lovely songs and omam remind me of connor

39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier. not everyone you lose is a loss.

40: Talk about the end of something in your life. the end of high school and teenage years was really weird. i remember feeling so out of place and not sure what t do with myself.

#survey #personal #talk about

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live-fast-bleed-slow-blog1 · 7 years

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Introduction to me 1

Hi where to start.. I guess I'll explain what I'm doing and why first. Then explain what I've been through to she'd some light on my opinion and inspirations. I started writing not to long ago and had always cast it aside. But it has helped so much honestly. I am not very good so at times it may seem sloppy, however it helps me and may help others. I'm going to keep it anonymous. Honestly also started this because holy shit am I bipolar. I'm tired of feeling judged by others so instead I'm gonna put it here. I have been through so many trials. I was raised by mom and saw my dad 1 weekend out of every month until I was 7 I had lived in Madera what was a small town near Yosemite. He was around but not really. Loved us all and was an amazing man he just had to pay bills and his job required him to be gone. It wasn't anything special, but it supported us. Life was okay aside from very normal things. Ass hole brothers who cared but physically and mentally abusive, the youngest of 4. We were in a nice home we were gonna settle in but pre housing market crash we lost the house when it went up for sale. That was due to someone getting a larger loan to offer because our income bracket permitted us from getting alot. We then relocated to the peninsula. This was the beginning of the serious decline. Paying almost two k a month for a grandmother's cottage. My father was stressed beyond compare. My eldest brother ran away when I was four an in his cross country travels he got a young women pregnant. She'd become my sister, and then my sister in law later taking the name. they came back when I was seven shortly before the move. With my nephew a survivor like the rest, and a true blessing. Anyways as my dad became more stressed his Crohn's became worse. Having shown symptoms before it was even a thing, being dishonorably discharged from service. He'd go on to be one of the worst documented case's ever. We moved alot and I never stayed at the same school long, and I was a tyrant. I'd get suspended for fighting cussing teachers out and never doing work. I was diagnosed with ADHD in elementary school and was put on medication, but never used it as an excuse. Going on to six grade a true delinquent. Having my house burnt down in 6th grade. Causing me to have to move after finally stabilizing socially and emotionally that's is. Then I spiraled my attitude for school turned sour. Fighting and bullying the bully's. I was never popular until I forced it. In 7th grade I got charged with arson for a fire I didn't start but was associated with. Facing a felony I plead to the misdemeanor and got open ended probation. Constantly getting charged arrested and locked up for all sorts of charges. In 8th grade my family took a truly memorable trip to Alaska. Riding the train to Seattle staying there and getting on a cruise. The end of the cruise is when my dad's health spiraled resulting in a 3 year battle that was grueling. Alone for alot of it cause all of my brothers moved away. Struggling with almost losing my father 5 time him being hospitalized more then 30 times for weeks at time. I was expelled in 8th grade for fighting a teacher. Charge with a few crimes. I always plead guilty and talked my way out of long term lock ups. Through manipulating my PO and voicing myself well in court. Left to my own devices freshman in highschool. I started hustling and selling massive amounts of pills. Doing massive amounts as well. Hooked on pills with my dad sick caught up in the system. Too gone to care about ua's I got away with it for the first few months. I was expelled from my highschool however keeping my connections. I sold massive amounts of everything to people in small orders to bangers with large ones. My supply and plugged prices helped me turn over product easy and quick. Not to mention i was prescribed ritalan, and aderall for adhd xanax for anxiety, Valium for nerve damage, and opiates for back pain. I already had a baseline for addiction. rolling in money and high all the time it went to my head and I partied to hard. It took over easy because my dad was sick, mom was a great wife, and brothers busy. Waking up after a 4 day blackout. Waking up to realize my "friends" through me out of the car behind a 711. Sore and covered in blood I took my shirt off and walked home. After I showered I exit to my mother asking where I had been. I simply grabbed the last of my pills I handed them over and asked for help. Proceeding with the program I achieve six months that sober. Losing six months of sobriety that summer falling back into the same shit. Depression spiraling. In a continuation school that was basically a school for delinquents. Father sick I feel deep into it. A sad kid before it was cool. Diagnosed with bipolar I was instructed to quit the anphetimines because they induce mania. My father died when I was 16, himself being 69. 11 days before my 16 birthday. I gave up becoming extremely suicidal. I met my ex fiance a month post. She was 21 and I feel so hard. It was so incredibly toxic. Constantly 5150 at times in jail. Once for 45 day in which I tried to kill myself 3 times. I was released 14 days before Christmas had I done my whole sentence I'd have missed. Only excited to spend Christmas with my love. Released a graduate pretty much due to an exit exam, only having the finalize it. Dreading my family because the wounds still so fresh. I had loved video games, and focused on that primarily drinking, raving most of my teenage years I'd do shit then and if offered. Relapsing a few times because I had made it a cooping mechanism. Self harm was serious problem at this point. Forgiven my fiance for her trespasses as she did myself. All brothers having moved home and left at some point. My only remaining brother the eldest in shambles from his wife leaving on Father's day for his best friend. Then return, my life was hectic to listening to abuse every night standing up when I could I watched the effect on my nephew. We decided to move to oregon... I'll pick up later I need to take a breather. Sorry if this is hectic it's paraphrased and tough in time I'll fill in the blanks

#Intro #introduction #writter #up and coming #brand new #start up

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