#im mentally unstable enough to want to do this again

[xan-izme]

Crybaby (Sully fam X daughter!reader)

Summary: Reader has always been a crybaby. Sensitive and had a soft spot for all living life. Jake disliked how sensitive you always were, he sent you out on your own for a month and came back a cold-blooded killer.

Warnings: Death, gore, mentions of death, mentally unstable reader, violence, Trauma

You were kind, sweet. Always looked on the bright side, you were on the same path as Kiri, training to become Tsahik. But it was clear you weren't as good as Kiri, which you were quick to admit.

That lead to Jake placing you with your brothers, training to become warriors. He wanted to tough you up, Jake loves how much you cherished love, he loved seeing the world through your optimistic eyes.

But ever since the sky people came back, he just needed his eldest daughter to be strong. Be there just in case he would leave this world a little too early.

"How many times do I have to tell you? Y/n, I need you to keep your balance! keep tripping like that you'll get killed." Jake's words hurt you, but you remember how upset he was the last time you nearly cried.

You inhaled sharply "Yes father." You stood up from the ground and faced your twin, Neteyam. He gave you a knowing look that wanted to know if they should stop, you shook your head lightly, not wanting to seem more of a wimp to your father then you already are.

You were an average hunter, your skills in fighting weren't that bad either.

But that wasn't enough for Jake. He needed to know that you were as skilled as Neteyam, as skilled as your mother was. So, it was always.

"Be faster"

"Hit stronger"

"Not good enough, try again!"

You would push your limit. Till you couldn't keep your eyes open. Your father would say words of gratitude here and there. Like small nods and a "Good work"

Your brothers sometimes feel like that's not enough for how much he makes you do. But just the smallest amount of approval from Jake made you feel like you were on cloud nine, causing you to do more, work harder.

Then one day, you were having a hard week, you were getting frustrated at the simplest things. Even your fathers nagging was annoying you.

When it came to training, you slipped up and made multiple mistakes that Jake just could not take it.

"Y/n, come now." Jake spoke calmly. You and your twin glanced at each other. You stood up with the help of Neteyam and followed your father.

The two of you walked through the woods.

"Baby, you know why I push you and your siblings so much, right?"

You nod your head, feeling a little nervous even if Jake was using his usual soft tone. "Then you understand--" Jake held you by your shoulders "--That this family, this clan is our fortress. And protecting this family is everything"

His words were deep to you, it was clear this was important to him. "And I need you to be strong. And training here hasn't been helping. So, Im sending you off. Away from here, so you can improve more on your own" Jake saw how your expression dropped "don't worry! It'll only be for a month. Ill check in every few weeks." He tried to reassure you. It didn't really calm your nerves down, but seeing how desperate he was to make sure you and the family was safe?

there was no way you could say no.

So, you left, you were on your own. The first few days were hard. And there were multiple times when you got seriously hurt and cried. God, you cried so much. All that crying made you hate yourself.

Hate every flaw you had. You even hated the soft part of you. Scolding yourself, knowing that kindness and your crying will not protect the clan, your family.

Jake did try to visit you. But you never stayed in one place. The two of you talked a little over the inner coms when you two would be miles apart. But those convocations didn't last.

You were training harder than ever. Perfecting every little thing down to the bone. In all honesty, you did go a little off from the safe zone, where you ran into a few sky people. You made it our alive, as for those sky people?

Well, you only let one live, still having that small kindness and mercy in you. Which was a big mistake.

You received a message from Norm and Max when they wanted to check on you, that a sky person bombed up a small part of the safe zone close to the high camp. No one was killed, but a lot were majorly injured.

Gaining all the details of the incident, you realize that it was the sky person you let live.

Cursing yourself and beating yourself for being so foolish, so naive for thinking nothing of what that sky demon after setting it free. So, you vowed to not give your enemy's any type of mercy, to kill all those evil demons, to protect you clan, your family.

Because this family was your fortress. And you were determined to be theirs.

Your month was over, and you were just so excited to go home. To hug and smother your siblings with kisses. To show your dear parents how strong and skilled you've become. To make your father proud of you. To officially be seen as enough to help protect everyone.

Norm gave you an inner com that was connected to your family, being told that your parents and dear twin brother were on patrol at the moment.

You decided to fly your Ikran to where you were told you parents and twin would be at. But when you were a few clicks away from them, you heard Lo'ak's voice. Saying he has gained sight of intruders. Ones who were carrying guns.

Dreamwalkers

You spoke into your inner coms.

"I'm closest to their location. I'll engage."

"Y/n-- wait, no! Y/n you better not!" Jake shouted.

"Y/n te i'tri Mo'ata Sully. Stay down! that's an--"

You turned your intercoms off. The safety of your baby siblings was the only thing you had in mind. It was almost eclipse, and telling by how the winds picks up and the clouds, it was to rain soon.

Your Ikran felt the panic and determination you were feeling and speed up to get to the location faster.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

You made it before your parents and twin could. You killed off every single dreamwalker. And that demon who took your mother's home away, who took Kiri's mother away.

The demon who caused so much harm to your clan.

"Any last words Demon?" you say, tilting your head as you held the sharp dagger to Quritche's throat. The Demon growled and spat in your face.

You weren't very pleased with that; you turned your head towards your siblings who were huddled against a tree.

"Spider"

The small human boy flinched by the way your voice sounded.

"Close your eyes." You said with a small fond smile. But it felt nothing like that. Kiri quickly brought Spider close to her and covered his eyes.

You looked back at Quaritche. The moment you slit his throat and began to detach his head from his body, was the moment Jake and Neytiri entered the scene.

Neytiri was quick to go by her younger children's side. Your ears perk and notice Jake. Once you laid eyes on him. Your face lit up.

"Father!" Youran to him and hugged him. Jake was in utter shock at the scene in front of him. He slowly hugged you tight. You pulled away, smiling, unphased by the amount of blood that was on you.

"I did it. I saved them. Look!" you pulled Jake to where Quaritche's dead body was and grabbed the head of the demon.

"I have killed him. I did it!"

Neteyam slowly entered and looked over what you had done.

"Mommy!" Tuk whined and was quickly embraced by Neytiri.

You were smiling, happy that you've finally rid your father of the nightmare that had burdened your family.

But when you began to see the look Jake had. You started to notice that was not the look of approval you hoped for.

"Y/n . . .What have you done?"

Your smile dropped, being replaced with confution

"Wha-. . .what? what's wrong? what did I do wrong!?" You didn't understand. Did you not put them down fast enough? Should you have taken out the leader before the others? What was it that was wrong??

"Y/n, baby. This--" He was pointing out to the bloody battle around them "--Is wrong. You tampered with their body's. Some of them are still bleeding out!"

"N-no! it's okay you see! I made it for them to not move at all and suffer their punishment." You tried to defend yourself. Tried to make your dear father know that it was okay. And that you did a good job.

Neytiri hurried the children to exit this part of the forest fast, including Spider. Neytiri didn't like Spider, but the boy didn't deserve to see all of this. None of her children did.

"That is not our way!" Jake yelled. Frustrated, worried and scared for his daughter in front of them.

Your ears pinned back. Feelings of sadness, betrayal and anger infecting your heart.

"Well, your way didn't work for me. You said so yourself! Why can't you just be happy!?" Your nose scrunched up in anger.

"I did this for the clan, for our family-- For you!" You were getting upset. All you wanted was the feeling of being called a Sully, worthy of the tittle as Toruk Makto's daughter.

"You can't do this. Your way will bring unbalance to the clan. And if you can't do that. . . then I'll have to strip your tittle as a warrior of this clan." Jake's words caused everyone to stop.

"Ma jake." Neytiri spoke, her eyes glancing between her mate and child.

You felt your bottom lip quivering. But your eyes refused to release the tears. You slowly backed away from Jake, nodding your head a little. Your eyes found its way to Spider who kept tripping, his legs still shaking from what he witnessed.

"Spider." You spoke up. The boy forced himself to look at you.

"Keep tripping like that. . . . . and you'll get killed."

#jake sully #neytiri #neteyam #lo'ak x sister!reader #jake sully x daughter reader #kiri avatar #spider #tuktirey #na'vi x reader #death mention tw #animal death

[factual-fantasy]

23 ASKS! THANK YOU! :DD 🐟

@timestorm04

1: Captain Barnacles! :DD

2: One of the reasons why I redrew them suddenly was because I was thinking of re-writing my Octonauts Sea dwellers AU :0 But I'm going back on that now tbh.. :///

They didn't figure it out and they did end up booking it. I mean,, can you really blame them?

We know Papyrus, and all of us would absolutely give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was innocent. But Seam and Jevil don't know the Papyrus we know.

All Seam sees is an absolute mountain of bodies and an state of utter decay all around him.. with suspiciously the last man standing being a very clearly mentally unstable skeleton.. would you assume he was innocent?

Add onto that all the stress Seam was under, how unstable he was as well. Seam couldn't see the situation any other way and he was not taking any chances.

AAA THANK YOU!! IM SO GLAD TO HEAR THAT YOU LIKE THEM!! :DDDD

@foxythefox711

I don't watch Adventure time currently and I don't know all the nitty gritty of the shows lore.. but my favorite characters from what I've seen is Simon! With Jake as a close second. :} Also Prismo is 3rd I think-

f...fank youu!!

(Also the protons joke got a laugh outa me XDD )

:DD Thank you so much! I'm glad you like how I draw them!! :}}

@couchwow

oh ok

Wait are the characters from the game actually baked in an oven to be "born"?? I didn't know that--

@taizarack

:DD I'm glad you like them! And although I don't have either game, I hope to learn a little more about the games lore :0

@chickenheadguy (Link in question)

Oh! Thank you! Lemme just take a look an--

170 VIDEOS??

GORL THEY WEREN'T LYING THOSE COOKIES GOT LORE-

(Also thank you for the compliments and the link! :DD )

@luna-purple454

NO HE DOESN'T GET KILLED-- Seam and Jevil just jump to another AU as soon as Jevil had the strength to. Leaving Papyrus behind in the process..

(Also thank you!! :DD )

@torriderrelic44

I don't have any plans to draw any art like that, no.. sorry! <:/

YES. YES IT DOES. But its not the people who go "ohmygosh I LOVE this (AU/thing) you made! Its wonderful! Do you have any plans to continue it someday.? If not that's ok! Just wondering!" Those guys are fine and I take it as a compliment actually!

Its the people who say things like "When are you gonna finish this" "Why did you stop drawing this" "How long until you draw this again" "I don't like what you're drawing, now go back to this it was better" comments like THOSE, suck. And its always about the same comics/subjects that I stopped drawing months ago. Looking at you Octonauts crab comic

As for my AUs, its not too hard for me to remember all of them. I never have more than 5-6 per fandom. I can usually list them off by memory! :0

Tbh the animatronics would probably just register that as a mess/hazard and would notify an employee about the issue. In which the employee would dispatch a mop bot to go clean it up. I imagine it unfortunately happens often enough that the bots aren't really fazed. Kids amirite-

I have drawn her at least twice from recent memory! Once in this horror post, and she makes an appearance in part 1 of my FNAF AU recap/repair! :00

The reason why I rarely draw her is becuase of the plans I have for her in my AU. She is meant to be very mysterious and I want the changes I made to her in my re-write to be a surprise-

Also thank you! I'm glad you like my cookie run creatures! :}}}

WAAAA THAK YOU SO MUCH!!!😭😭💖😭

I'm not sure actually.. idk if the characters from the games are aware that they are "cookies" in the sense that they are meant to be eaten- So I'm not sure how my characters would react either-

Its related to the names of the drivers, I cant share anything else! :x

@mumble-jumble-gallery (Post in question)

Magic candy..? Huh- well I'm glad it isn't world shattering at least-- <XDD

@ravenslog

THANK YIU!! :DDD

:DD Thank you so much! I'll be sure to draw them again sometime XD

@beryl-shade

Sorry for the late reply! This ask got buried-

If you look to this post for reference, I was thinking that Fredbear would be as tall as Bonnie. Maybe a little taller.? And Spring Bonnie would be about as tall as Foxy :00

#my response #fnaf security breach #octonauts #undertale #deltarune #seam deltarune #cookie run #cookie run kingdom #cookie run ocs #my ocs

[yanderemommabean]

A silly Elias Short

“Subject 505 is currently under surveillance for abrupt and dangerous behavior. He remains in an unstable mental state as of posting this document and-“

Elias sighs, tossing the paper behind him in an annoyed huff. “They’re telling me things I already know. Tell me again why im paying you to do this if it’s giving me nothing substantial?”

Jasper shrugs, leaning against the wall as he pilfers through other files. “You ain’t paying me, I’m doing this to fuck with people. But uh, if you don’t mind me askin, what are you so curious to find out? You know yourself best dontcha? “

“To an extent I suppose” He huffs, leaning his head into his hand as he stares at the pile of files on the floor, shuffling some around with his foot. “I need to know what they plan to do with a certain favor I’ve asked about a few times. My darling was promised to live with me soon, and I’ve yet to be told a planned start date for getting things ready. You know me like a book dear Jasper, when it comes to what I want, I’m not very patient”.

Jasper nods, pausing some of his reading as he peers over at the man now hunched over. “I also know that ain’t all that you’re lookin for. But it’s none of my business”. He goes back into flipping through papers, moving to sit on the bed provided for Elias.

“Hmph. Always one to see right through me huh? Suppose you aren’t a hitman for nothing. If you’re so curious I also wish to know what they plan to use me for. You know as well as I do this isn’t an asylum by any means, and that the government uses these poor souls for whatever they deem necessary”.

Oh boy did Jasper know. He couldn’t help downloading files onto his USB and reading through every case he could. “I’m sure you’ll be used as someone like me, just ten times fuckin better. Your aim, your speed, your reaction timing, it’s crazy not to make you an assassin. But hey, I didn’t go to college so what do I know?”.

“More than most in Harvard” Elias chuckled, sliding some papers out of the way as he became lost in thought. “Well, I thank you for your help. In any case I have a question for you”.

“What’s that?” Jasper asks as he lays on his hands, arms behind his head.

“Who exactly are you doing this to? You know, messing with them”

“You’ll know soon enough. I say we got about four minutes before that intercom calls you in and he demands how you got to know me”.

#Elias my oc #jasper my oc #my ocs #mommabean #yandere scenarios #yandere imagines #yandere asylum

[imnotzuza]

everyone is talking about "down bad" being buck's song and i completely agree BUT have you heard "the prophecy"?!?! I MEAN

Hand on the throttle Thought I caught lightning in a bottle

(he thought he finally found a family that will love him and a good relationship)

Oh, but it's gone again

(but they ended up leaving like everyone else- lawsuit)

And it was written I got cursed like Eve got bitten

(he must have thought at least once that hes cursed, he suffered so much, physically and mentally)

Oh, was it punishment?

('maybe i deserve it all? i didnt save daniel, i wasnt enough...')

Pad around when I get home I guess a lesser woman would've lost hope

(he just kept going, trying, looking for his place in the world when normally people would've just given up)

A greater woman wouldn't beg

(he begged to be loved, he begged for his job, for the team to forgive him - lawsuit)

But I looked to the sky and said

Please I've been on my knees Change the prophecy

('can someone finally stay?')

Don't want money Just someone who wants my company

(he turned down the money that the city was offering bc he just wanted his family back)

Let it once be me

('can someone choose me? or can i be the one to leave this time?')

Who do I have to speak to About if they can redo the prophecy?

Cards on thе table Mine play out like fools in a fablе Oh, it was sinking in (Sinking in, oh) Slow is the quicksand Poison blood from the wound of the pricked hand Oh, still I dream of him

("you're exousting!") - And I sound like an infant

("two dinners and im 12 yrs old again")

Feeling like the very last drops of an ink pen A greater woman stays cool But I howl like a wolf at the moon

(angry buck in 4x04 and 4x05)

And I look unstable Gathered with a coven 'round a sorceress' table A greater woman has faith But even statues crumble if they're made to wait I'm so afraid I sealed my fate No sign of soulmates I'm just a paperweight in shades of greige Spending my last coin so someone will tell me it'll be okay - -

#911 abc #evan buck buckely #911 #the tortured poets department #ts ttpd #the prophecy #taylor swift #evan buckley #911onabc #song that reminds me of him #buck coded #im going insane #SOMEBODY SEDATE ME

[afuckingsystemsthoughts]

we've seen a lot of people with DID and OSDD hate being a system. most of us dont hate it per se, its more of the bad parts we hate. i, host, suffer much more mental pain from other disorders we have, not just DID- thats probably the smallest part. for us, our biggest cause of mental pain is bpd and denial of trauma/our posttraumatic disorders- so what were about to say will probably sound biased.

also a note, i only suffer the really dramatic drastic disorienting dissociation everyone with DID online complains about (and claims they have 24/7) only half the time or less. most of the dissociation i experience as host is dissociative amnesia, theres not a day i dont experience that but its usually of the past ill never remember or milder forms like "oh i did that? hm dont remember" "oh they said that? i only remember the interesting parts of the conversation and i cant even remember it verbatim", or emotional/mental detachment and emotional numbing (especially if my mood is too unstable), and staring off forgetting what to do or not knowing how to do it and having to mentally yell at myself

now, for the parts of having DID id absolutely get rid of right now and never want back.

i hate when im trying to do something, i wanna do it alone, i wanna have privacy, wtv. and boom, an alter suddenly appears out of nowhere invading the front. i dont wanna be rude to them because theyre a part of me and more than likely a trauma holder or protector i wouldnt be here without, but i want to have some privacy in my own head. have some things just to me. i am annoyed, i know they feel that. and for that, i feel guilt. for being annoyed by the presence of someone else inside my head, and the guilt gets even worse if its a little, understandably, or a trauma holder whos been through enough rejection already, or a protector who i wouldnt be alive without. i have to show common courtesy to a large group of selves inside my own brain, every second im awake. and that gets tiring. no wonder im always so mentally drained.

having to work around what alters want. this often goes hand in hand with them randomly intruding the front. ill be in the clothing aisle, just to get a simple grey shirt- and an alter will come out when they see a shirt they like. if i refuse to get it, they might feel hurt, and ill feel guilty. and if i look through a whole clothing aisle, more than one part will come out and make me feel drawn to the different clothing they like (sometimes a few alters making me feel drawn to a few different clothing styles at once) i get a headache from that and dont like how i feel pulled into many different directions by my own brain. (id experience that before i even knew what plurality was or really knew my alters or even remotely felt plural and it caused me a lot of mental pain and headaches)

feeling like a stranger to myself now because i realize how much i was a stranger to myself, i didnt even know i was abused, and i didnt even know a lot of things i did. and feeling guilt for not knowing i was a stranger to myself for most of my life. i should have known but i didnt. i was too dumb to pick up on the clues that someone inside me ran away with my body and my life. theres even small things i didnt know about myself i discovered years later. example, i didnt know i asked for a get-well card for a doll when i pretended it was sick until i discovered it about 8-10 years later. and theres big things i never knew. some of these things were people. when i was little, i was around people i should remember, i was around them enough. but when i see them again in 2019, i think its the first time even stepping foot in the place, and seeing the people. i only knew that i knew them when i was little because i was told that in 2019. i also dont remember an entire year, minus a small snapshot memory. i cant be sure if the memories i think i have of it are real. which leads me to the other part about DID i hate and if i could get rid of only one part of it, this would be it.

the dissociative amnesia (mostly of trauma) and its effects. i dont remember majority of my early childhood, and i only remember about half of my mid childhood, maybe a tad more than half. the memories i have, its like im watching an eerie, dark tinted movie of myself. i dont remember being abused in any of the memories before around 8, and very few are of me being unhappy. i think to myself, "if i was abused, id have memories of it or be unhappy." i didnt feel anything. i just... existed. no feelings, maybe an artificial happiness, but no feelings outside of that. its like i was a robot in control of my own actions. i tell myself i dont have trauma and im just holding onto the "impossible possibility" i was abused as a small child as an excuse for being this way "because i cant accept i was born broken, i dont have an excuse to be this way." then, someone comes along who explains to me what i did in the memories when i was little and throughout my entire childhood was a sign of abuse, and i feel valid and confident about myself because im reassured im not born broken scum, but then i realize that means someone violated my body and ill never know who did first, how old i was, where it first happened. and ill never know what all my body has been used for either. then ill feel disgusted with my body and want to escape it or self harm. and i live with a person who flip flops between being emotionally abusive/manipulative and being nice and shes used my dissociative amnesia against me before, used it to say things didnt happen and the memories were planted, and to say i did things i didnt do. other people used my dissociative amnesia against me before too. but the most painful part for me, is im stuck in a vicious, mentally draining cycle- feeling like my trauma isnt real and hating myself because i feel like i was born broken, just wanting to know i was abused, then i find out and i feel uncomfortable in my body, i cry, i feel alone because the only people id allow myself to seek comfort from arent around, and sometimes self harm.

for me, im fine with being a system. i wouldnt trade most of my alters or the memories weve made together since i found out i had a system and met them. they taught me what family really is. they taught me what community means. its the parts that make it disordered id gladly get rid of. sure, we want our own bodies, id like them to have their own bodies too, but im fine with them just being in my head when theyre not intrusive.

DID isnt fun, but it isnt always living hell 24/7. not for every DID system. not for us. but its still not "friends in your head" and even when you are friends with some of your alters they can still intrude on you when you want to be alone and you'll still have the distress from having DID. its not always fun but its not always hell.

#dissociative identity disorder #actually dissociative #tired of the “oh you have to be in constant agony from DID to have DID” posts its so invalidating tbh #like im sorry having DID is so bad for you but theres people with DID who dont have it as bad and theyre just as valid #people always spread negativity about DID when people with it wanna distract from their suffering and the “oh poor me” posts dont help much #it forces DID systems who dont suffer because of it 24/7 to think theyre faking and that makes them exaggerate symptoms #man the online DID community is toxic

[ankhisms]

realizing that my very close friend who id known for almost 10 years stopping talking to me for no reason and only really talking to me recently to basically say "im at a party with my new friends who are better than you" has in fact had negative effects on my mental health

god i need to get a diary/journal i know i could benefit from one bc theres more personal stuff i dont really want to get into online/stuff about my body image and self esteem issues that i dont want to post about online but i dont have money to get pne and dont have any empty spare notebooks lying around to use so anyway. realizing that since he suddenly stopped talking to me (again, for no reason. ive wracked my brain trying to figure out ANY possible reason we were not fighting we did not have any disagreement everything was normal our relationship was normal he just stopped responding to me one day and wouldnt respond when i asked him if he was ok bc i was genuinely worried we talked every day for years and didnt respond when i asked about what was going on) my paranoia regaurding people i know secretly hating me or becoming very angry at me very suddenly and wanting me dead or just wanting to ignore me and never talk to me again has gotten a lot worse. and it sucks because i struggle with paranoia about other things that i wont get into but it feels like this specific paranoia can be the hardest for me to shake off because it stems from how my abuser treated me and my unstable home environmeny from past toxic friendships/situations where people i was around werent necessarily abusive but they certainly were toxic and fucked me up from how they treated me. so when i try to soothe myself theres a part of me that goes. but its happened before. it happened before and it can happen again. and now with this my brain is like SEE! IT HAPPENED AGAIN. IT HAPPENED AGAIN WITH THE FRIEND WHO YOU THOUGHT WAS GOING TO BE IN YOUR LIFE FOREVER. IT HAPPENED WITH SOMEONE WHO STILL MEANS THE WORLD TO YOU. and then i feel bad about being mad about it on some levels because i still want to give him the benefit of the doubt but also its like. we are both 24 fucking years old we are adults. if you are mad at me or if you have an issue with me you need to bring it up to me. i am not a mind reader if youre upset with me i want you to actually TELL ME so we can work things out. i respected him enough to be ready to do that if he upset me and i expected the same from him. and its just like im too tired to deal with people who arent going to tell me when theyre mad with me or to be upfront about an issue they have with me. im too tired. it also fucks me up that like. he knows about all my issues just like i know about his. and he knew about these specific paranoias i have and knows about how much it hurts me to be ignored and he still did this all. anyway tldr i am trying so hard to not freak out ❤️ thanks if u read this all mwah

[whatifwekilledgodandwebothgirls]

Personally I hate when they refer to sex as an "adult" activity. Like you don't think minors get horny?? People are out here going through puberty at 8-12 years old man

Im gonna ramble for a bit about this so yeah sorry its just a great question and what age should people have sex is a very hot topic in ky life rn so ill ramble about it .Yeah actually the peak time to have sex is 14-15 , right when your beginning to become actually sentient and have actual feeling but youre still young enought to be short of lost and for it to be explorative and for ypu to not totally know what ypure doing . The way i see it peoples teenage years are their free trial of adulthood , so they should try all things that are typical for adulthood, yk like getting more responsibility , being more independent, falling in love , having sex , really agressively hating people , having rivalries , making decisions, while still being free to do it wrong and fuck it up . Its the time when youre supposed to reaserce and figure out what you like and how you like it , so youll be ready to be a part of society and short of know what type of person you want to be . Its like the fucking demo or the tutorial before the real game . Youre not supposed to go into adulhood fully realised without putting the work in to find yourself . Well teenagehood is when you find yourself . Some fucking philosopher wrote about this but i forgot . He said that the youth are like bees , collecting nectar from all the flowers so that latter when its time to get the nectar back to their hive theyll know which is sweetest or something like that .

That being said , when youre still young youre very very very stupid , so when young people try to have sex it goes BADLY especially when their having sex with someone older . People are so shitty and so fucking mean and cruel and when your still a kid and dont have the coping mechanisms to deal with it you tend to get fucked up mentally . I cannot begin to describe just how many horror storries ive heard of girls saying that their boyfriend did awful and cruel things to them and because it was their first relationship or because the were to young to know its not normal they went with it . Girls being to young and insecure LIKE ALL TEENS ARE and letting people use them simply because their either too shy and unsure and frightened to say no , not old enough to have learned about feminsm and about supporting their rights and sticking up for themselves, or just so desperate to have their body validated because again , they are unstable teenagers that hatethemselves like all teenagers do . On the other hand , ive heard of so many girls and guys and people , myself included , being fucking detestable and downright hurtfull because all our fucking hormones arent stablied and we have moodswings all the time and all our emotions are dialed up too 10000 .

Anyway , teenagers and kid are gonna have sex because its biologically natural . In theory its a good idea but in practice it litterally never goes well . I PERSONALY think that in a perfect world people would have sex at 15 , but its not a perfect world and people are fucking terrible so again in my PERSONAL opinion its best to wait till your somewhat resposible for yourself . Did i wait till i was responsible for myself fuck no but i mean i probably should have

#ive heard so many horror stories dude its insane #idk kf any of that made sense

[the-kipsabian]

hiii! for the director's cut meme, i do have a part from "why we are us":

Somewhere in there, between all the good and the bad, the laughs in the day and confused, fearful tears cried in the night, his heart had decided that Cassidy was feeling more than just the need to help Kip to overcome this huge obstacle.

Cassidy felt extremely lucky to know that Kip shared those feelings with him though, he couldn’t even bring himself to think how things would be if he didn’t.

Feeling a lump forming on his throat the thought, Cassidy closed his eyes, inhaling deeply in hopes of calming himself down. Today had been such a tiring, hectic day it was no wonder him being this tired and having his thoughts running so rampant that it was making him emotional, but at the same time he didn’t want to cry and risk waking Kip up because of it. Cassidy was supposed to be the calm and collected one, he was always the stoic one, he wasn’t the one that was supposed to cry.

And yet, the tears were inevitable.

besides just getting a general director's cut thing about this part, i did have a question that popped up while reading this. with immortal fears being set up to have kip confess to oc, what would happen if oc had to be the one to confess? or would he even try to? would orangekip only be possible in this AU if kip confessed?

this got unnecessarily long so im putting it under a cut but hey i have a lot of thoughts about these two in this au ough

so the thing with oc in this au is that he never meant to develop feelings, he never expected that to happen. his whole deal is that he knows how much help he needed to get out of the dark place losing the title put him into, and seeing how kip is alone at the time, oc knows hes going to need all the help he can get. despite what happened up to that point between the two of them (kip basically making his life hell, seperating him from his friends and just generally unpleasantly mentally tormenting him), oc is still a compassionate human being; he knows what happens with this belt and its curse, and he doesnt want to watch it happen to another person, especially since he doesnt know what could possibly happen to kip if he doesnt get the help hes going to need

and oc caring for him wasnt supposed to be a lasting thing either, like he was just going to do it until kip got back up on his feet and was able to function somewhat normally again; but again, since kip was alone oc just kind of.. grew worried of him over it. seeing how much him being there helped kip and everything, he couldnt just walk away when the initial thought of "my work here is done" happened. and at that point im pretty sure the underlying feelings of something more than just "im here to help him to get better from all of this" had already started bubbling. like its very hard at this point in time to pin point exactly where and when oc started developing those feelings and realized them, but for sure by the time kip confesses to him, hes already well down that road

as for oc being the one confessing, i feel like if this carried on for long enough, he eventually would have. the thing with him is, oc struggles a lot trying to figure it out if this is a legitimate crush (or him falling in love with kip) to begin with, or if its just him being very happy seeing kips improvement over time, knowing that it was specifically oc who helped him get there (spoilers, its absolutely the crush, hes just an idiot when it comes to feelings). however, its insanely difficult for him to tell that to kip first, considering that oc doesnt know fully himself what he is feeling, and this is a very emotionally and mentally unstable kip we are talking about here - oc has NO idea how he would take such news. even on the good days, so it gets pushed back and back and back until eventually in the au canon its kip taking that first step when his own feelings get unbearable

im not saying that oc wouldnt have eventually confessed, tbh i think if he was given enough time and a stable enough kip, he would have. but that would have taken a looooong time, for both these reasons and cause oc would have wanted to be sure this was actually what he was feeling. and by that time, its highly possible kip would have given up or moved on. if oc confessed early enough, it would most likely have resulted in kip not believing him and blowing most of this thing up, setting them back (both in this potential relationship and with their individual recoveries) and just making it more difficult to carry on with this. and honestly oc would have probably given up on trying to tell him in the future if the feelings persisted, making kip even more confused about his own so... yeah

idk if this responds to like anything lmao

#midnightpretenders0 #thank you for asking! <3

[ozzyquest]

What are your personality headcanons for Big Shot Spamton?

ahhhgg i think this ask has been marinating in my inbox for quite a while im so sorry </3 i wasnt able to think clearly when i first saw it so i put it off and forgor..... anyway i have so many thoughts about big shot spamton all the time but when i think about him overall hes like. a wisecracking funny cartoon guy who becomes jaded as his career goes on and ultimately falls apart

gonna put actual explanations under a read more because its kind of a lot and im shy but i have trouble explaining how i see him in a simpler way since things are so thought out in my brain sometimes its hard to condense them and not explain every little aspect. also i never know where to start LOL

i guess this really goes for spamton in general but i always interpreted that any 'confidence' hes shown was to cover his deep-rooted insecurity and that gradually starts to show in his big shot era. like deep down he knows all of this success was only possible because of outside help but he doesnt want to, yknow, believe that. he wants to believe that hes enough to be independent and free and constantly feels the need to prove that so he comes off as a stubborn cocky prick to most despite that he literally depends on someone calling him all the time to really get anywhere

but with that being said i feel like hes someone who genuinely cared about people who were close to him. in-game it does show him lamenting over how he lost everything, including his friends, and part of him feels awful for putting his own desire for control and freedom over them

i also like to think he really cared about kids but tried to be cool about it or whatever. kinda comes from me projecting but also because i think he genuinely cares about kris despite his insanity initially driving him to attempt taking their soul. like his moment of clarity before being added to kris' inventory and how he was willing to give himself up in favor of kris and friends just makes me feel he was and still is capable of caring about others but again felt that doing so would keep him from achieving his freedom

already talked about this a bit but because his programming is unstable it makes his character fragile both physically and mentally. it was easier to control then but he still had intense mood swings and was pretty easy to piss him off. i hc that addisons in general are pretty cartoony so on occasion hed literally do the face turning red with smoke coming out of him and honking like a car thing but hed also have episodes of sobbing in his office alone or being manic and doing reckless things just to Feel something with these episodes getting worse as his career starts to fall apart

again i have a hard time elaborating how i see characters overall i wish i could just beam thoughts into peoples brains like hey watch this spamton cartoon (galaxy brain telepathy image) but liiiike im always willing to answer specific questions about my spamton

#mail

[smileymoth]

using tumblr as my personal diary again dont mind me

i think one of the worst parts about what i'm currently feeling is that like. i can't tell if i'm actually suicidal or not, like i don't want to kill myself right now but i sure as hell also don't want to be alive because staying awake and doing things even if it's the things i enjoy is like. increasingly really difficult. the only thing that i have energy for really is playing subway surfers and reading weird fanfics that i should not be looking at probably but it's the only thing that my mind finds satisfying enough to actually read lol . i ct myself yesterday and today and its really nothing its just surface ones but i really want to again but im just attempting to hold off on it bc they still scar but that just means that i spend 90% of my energy on trying to get my mind off it which is difficult to say the least. i also got triggered again on accident. i dont know whats wrong w me atm that i'm so unstable about certain things it's kind of stupid really. but it like. the neeeeeeeeed stops me from doing things i want to do bc its the only thing that i can think about beside my college au which is just... mentall illness squared and i keep trying to make it worse but it doesnt workkkk bc i cant project like that. i need to like. i dont know. i dont know what to do really. i wanted to go to the gym today but i feel that im too tired to bc i took an allnighter and slept like 4 hours again for the second day in a row and i've barely eaten bc food scares me atm and im a bit faint and. yeah. i dunno man i jisut feel weird and i want to cry but i also feel incredibly numb

#moth post #sh tw

[061801]

Random thought. I was talking to a guy who I was constantly helping, constantly counselling, constantly reassuring him everything is okay. People need reassurance, especially today since cheating is so popular (guilty ngl)

But my emotions matter too. I feel for him, and I don’t want him to be depressed but everyday he was draining me. He was basically sacrificing my peace to gain his own. Which again I pray he finds peace but maybe from someone who can give it to him. I couldn’t. I also noticed most of his issues are self inflicted and I just don’t wanna be around that. As much as I may be a hypocrite, that doesn’t make me obligated to deal with someone else’s problems. I need to work on my own. Ffs I couldn’t even look out the window without him asking what’s wrong and why am I mad? Like am I just supposed to sit and stare at you with a big smile on my face the entire time? His reasoning was because of the way his exes treated him. Sure but if you can’t heal or literally can’t be around someone without suspecting something every single 5-10 minutes of the day then work on yourself bro, stop trying to get into a relationship. If your trust issues are so bad that you bombard someone else so much that it’s the most talked about conversation throughout the day, get help!!!

I found someone who is stable, and I feel a little bad because now I’m the unstable one and I don’t want him to have to take care of me, or feel the way I did taking care of this guy or my ex that I did for almost a year. But I think I’m doing pretty good cuz I know I can do it by myself, and I think he does too but he knows helping me will speed up the process and we can both thrive off of each other instead of it being one sided that way. I’ve done good in my life before, so why shouldn’t I be able to do it again? I have been cheated on and lied to but i know he isnt going to do that to me. If I did, i simply wouldn’t be with him. I’d constantly be asking for proof or attention to prove it’s real, which isn’t fair. It’s a little intimidating because i never thought id trust anybody again but im making it work in mostly a positive way. I have my moments but im working on it.

Basically my whole point in writing about this is it’s not that I think my bf is “better than” this guy, or vice versa. But it’s a balanced relationship. Sadly, it is true that if you are constantly needing to take from your partner whether it’s mental energy or materialistic things, you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship and that’s just the truth. If you find that unfair or hard to swallow, pls take a second to work on yourself and love yourself again cuz you can’t drown people in your problems and expect someone to fix it for you. It will never be enough. Also stop basing your happiness on whether you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, it’s honestly ridiculous. That’s another post though.

[oncedied]

oopsie. vent under the cut i gotta be unstable for a sec lol

"I hate when people talk my ear off and I engage with them and I'm asking them questions and stuff but when it comes to me they're like 'yeah' and then back to them, energy vampires lol y'all are so tiring" just tell me to kill myself lol

like im sorry im autistic, im sorry I'm socially inept, I'm fucking scared and when I'm scared i ramble. would you be happier if i never said another word again. never posted another thing again. i am engaging with you the best i can but i dont fucking know how to do so "properly." I take rambling about things with people, even if they're not related, even if it's more or less "talking at," as good enough. as how i communicate. as my love language.

and people scream "EXCUSES," I AM FUCKING TRYING. I AM LISTENING TO YOU AND REMEMBERING EVERYTHING YOU'RE SAYING TO THE BEST OF MY ABILITY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO ASK. I'M NOT IN YOUR HEAD. I AM TRYING AND IM FIGHTING SO FUCKING HARD I DONT KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

and seeing this shit makes it worse because now it's like, oh fuck, say that me and my friends are talking about our OCs, I'm even fucking hesitant to talk about my own ocs after someone rambles about something because i worry I'm stealing the spotlight or talking over them. even though I'm not. i have just been made to be so terrified of this shit that. you know.

i'll just never socialize with anyone ever again i guess. I'll never talk to anyone ever again. I'll fucking disappear and wont have to deal with this shit ever again i want to slam my head into the fucking wall everything fucking hurts no fucking wonder why i dont have any friends no wonder why I'm an active poison to everyone around me.

god fucking dammit i just want people to understand I'm trying so fuckign hard i cant take this anymore i wish someone would see how hard I'm trying i wish i wasn't invisible i wish people would fuckign see me. i wish i existed i wish i wasn't socially inept i wish this wasn't agony every fucking time. oh my god i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this get me out of here

the urge to delete my discord and all my social medias or like i dont know fucking. leave every single server I'm in or give them some excuse to ban me so i dont have to deal with it and it'll hurt more but less at the same time and is this some form of self harm urge oh my god i hate this i hate this i hate this

and i see someone saying "lacking empathy is not a flex," FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU I HOPE YOU GET HIT BY A FUCKING BUS I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU YOU'RE ALL "MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS UNTIL THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL OR HAS LOW/NO EMPATHY OH MY FUCKING GOD JUST TELL US WE SHOULD BE SUBJECT TO EUGENICS AT THIS POINT OH MY GOD

I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU I HATE MYSELF I HATE SOCIALIZING WITH PEOPLE I HATE EVERYONE I HATE HUMANITY I HATE SOCIAL NORMS I HATE EXPECTATIONS WHY CANT I BE PERFECT WHY AM I THE WAY I AM

WHY CANT PEOPLE SEE IM TRYING. WHY CANT PEOPLE SEE IM FUCKING SUFFERING. THEY"LL ONLY EVER SEE IF I DO SOMETHING FUCKING EXTREME HUH.

#caydeposting #vent under cut

[t-urbulence]

negative cw

currently isolating from my friends (all two of them)

and im thinking about how. this is so easy, i finally don't have to worry about whether im interesting to them, or funny to them, or if they really like me or just tolerate me, or if what i said was helpful, or if they're having a much better conversation with someone else, or if they wish i finally shut up, or if i talk too much about myself or my interests, or if i dont share enough of their interests so eventually they'll leave me behind for people who do.

i havent been this carefree since... the last time i isolated (it's been almost a yEAR okay, im TRYING, it used to be every 3-4 months now its almost been a YEAR)

but then again.

i miss them.

I feel so pathetic, i feel like i need everyone more than they need me. Like i can be without them but i don't want to have to be without them. But I could disappear today and everyone's world would be the same because I matter so little.

I know they know im isolating and they know ill be back and theyre probably sending me twitter posts and stuff because they know ill be back and ill be happy to have stuff to look at. I'll be happy to know they still thought of me while i was in hiding.

But if i just keep going long enough eventually they would stop and they would be okay.

My therapist gave me an assignment once where I had to ask the people closest to me to write how they feel about me.

And she brings that up often because they wrote some genuinely nice things.

But like.

People can lie.

I could easily lie about any of those things about anyone.

You think they would say mean things about me? x') When they know how unstable I am? you are crazy.

There was that post once that was like... it was about how friends of mentally ill people can actually be hurt if you express that you don't think they love you for real. Because they love you and you don't believe it cause you think so little of them? Or you think theyd be so diabolical as to fake love.

But also like. That's not why I think they would fake liking me.

They'd fake liking me because they're good people and i manipulated them into not wanting to hurt me.

I've been with a friend for way longer than I should have because I didn't want to hurt them. But I was often thinking about what it would be like if we werent friends anymore and more often than not i found that it would be better.

So who says thats not what theyre thinking...?

who says that when i eventually break and leave isolation they wont be thinking "ah fuck, i thought she'd leave for real this time".

bhHRHhhHHHhhhh

i wish i was normal.

#not even gonna mention how i was listening to hold the girl #and i triggered myself so bad #cause i like #hate my younger self #punt the girl #absolutely PUNT her #little bitch #ruined everything for us #and then i feel super sad for hating young me so bad #but its true i was never a good person #i never liked myself and i still dont like who i was at any point in my life #and i definitely dont like now!me #i dont know what i should change to like myself #i dont think its possible #i think i would fundamentally have to change if i want to like myself #like #anything about myself #broooo i literally dont like anything about myself x''') #and then im like #cool #even if i climb out of this Depression thing #and i become better #somehow #ill still have wasted 30+ of my life hating myself #and being so anxious #and not fully enjoying any of the good things in my lifew #ANYWAY #i have a 80x50cm cross stitching to get back to amirite #personal #i am SORRY

[glitterparpaing]

Isaac rants about his life

(it’s gonna get depressing and im probably gonna traumadump a bit so don’t read if u don’t want the consequences lol)

did u miss me?? tbh i didn’t miss going on here, because it never meant anything positive. sure, you all are great and im always happy to talk but going here and actually staying for a bit is just a sign that my mental health is getting worse again. some of you are genuine friends, and i swear to everything you want that you’re not just some mental support i stop liking once i get better. i genuinely want to talk to you often, even when i’m happy, especially when i’m happy. i just can’t find the time, or the thought, or both. sorry.

it’s summer and if you’re a trans guy like me yk this is when it gets bad. not only that, but im starting to slowly realize everything that has ever been wrong with me. i probably have adhd, most certainly anxiety, i should get tested for autism, and i recently realized i had an eating disorder. there are probably other things idk yet, and tbh i can’t wait until i can get therapist appointments in september

i can trust neither of my parents. not only as a trans person, but as a person altogether. i have never been a rebellious teenager solely bc of my anxiety and coming to terms with the fact that im never gonna be able to have a good healthy relationship with my parents hurts a lot. and no matter what i try i can never repair it.

and trust me, i would know. bc here’s the thing : i always feel responsible for my loved ones’ behaviour. if they feel bad, i can do something about it. if they feel good, i have to feel good to keep them feeling good. if they feel bad and i can’t do something about it, i’m gonna keep trying. find something to do to make the situation the slightest bit better, even if it means neglecting my needs. and if they keep feeling bad, it’s my fault. even when it’s not.

wanting to take care of everyone is already hard enough in a world where no one is ill or constantly needs care. but when you’re already mentally unstable, you attract the mentally unstable. sometimes, when i’m at my lowest point and can’t take care of anything for fuck’s sake, i’m mad at my friends for being depressed. i’m mad at my mother for having so many problems she doesn’t talk about. i’m mad at that teacher i love for looking tired. i’m mad at the world for needing me to do what i always do when i can’t do anything anymore. i hate myself in these moments. so i’m mad at myself for not being able to function properly without wanting to care for everyone.

i can’t do it anymore. my best friend is in a mental hospital bc they are back in their depression and i’m truly tired. i’m not mad at them and i’d be ready to listen to them anytime all the time even if it makes me cry even more bc i may be the only one they have. but i know i’m reaching my breaking point. i have been taking care of people for as long as i can remember. listening to them telling me that they want to die. that they can’t project themselves, that they’re completely alone. trying to find solutions, again and again. sometimes it works. sometimes it doesn’t.

i’m afraid i won’t be able to be like that much longer. like, genuinely afraid. i’m scared i’m gonna lose friendships. please, understand this: i am trying to get better at existing.

#mine #don’t reblog please #isaac rants