#im like insane about them that words arent enough to express how insane i really am about them

[biscuitboba]

Prepare for a very long wordvomits from yours truly (or just ignore)

The thing about me being so frickin obsessed with luffy and zoro's relationship is that... i just think they really are that compatible and perfect for each other in a way that they just, makes sense 

Like yeah i think one or two ships involving zoro and luffy (other than zolu/luzo) are cute or at least ok, but like the amount of love i have for them is like dust compared to my love for zolu:"D And if i'm being reallyy honest, personally i can't really imagine zoro being with someone else that's not luffy IF luffy is present in his life and vice versa?, like for example i think *insert other luffy ship* is cute, but like zoro can't be present in luffy's life for that ship to actually work for me?? So it's gotta be an alternative universe where they don't meet... I can appreciate the fanarts of the other luffy and zoro ships though, as long as they are not insanely wayyy too out of character?? (i just don't actively seek out content of ships that i'm not crazy about)

Not to state the obvious but luffy is my favorite character in one piece:) and right after him, unsurprisingly it's zoro (zoro used to be my number one when i was younger but now he is number two, but i'm sure zoro is fine with me loving his captain just a little bit more, haha)

When it comes to the ships involving my favorite character(s)... i am actually suuuper picky about it? i have to think very deeply about it, like i only want what's best for them, but also the best for the other person too cuz it can't be one sided! And i literally love both luffy and zoro almost equally? (actually i always love the two characters that i ship cuz i can't ship my favorite character with someone that i dislike) With zoro and luffy i've done a lot of thinking. Like, a lot. I thought about all of their potential love interests, every single one of them, but always arrived at the same conclusion that no one completes them the way they complete each other. Proof? Plz just scroll through my tumblr #zolu or #luzo i literally only talk about their relationship😭 They really are the most perfect person for each other. It's almost like they were made for each other? Everything about them, their principles, their personalites, they just fits

Like they are so insane, because at a surface level they can be interpreted as just platonic (which is a completely fine interpretation for the non zolu people out there!), but when you try to look more into it, on a deeper level, looking at every part of their interactions while considering their characterizations, motivations et cetera, like everything just clicks. Their devotion towards each other, all the little things they say and do relating to each other. They are best friends, they are the captain and the first mate, and maybe they are also something a lil bit more? Sometimes i don't even think i can label their relationship, cause from the outside… their relationship looks so simple, yet not without depth (so much depth!) and nuance. With zolu, you either get them or don't get them at all. One thing for sure is that they work really well together!!

Also, everytime i think about zolu as just friends.. but then i compare my relationship with my best friend(s) to luffy and zoro's relationship... and i don't know, if my best friend treats me the way zoro and luffy treat each other? I fear i will have to drop the "what are we?" question. I'm so serious, like that man? zoro?? He is enamored. Completely whipped- bewitched, body and soul. While on luffy's side, his way of expressing love is more subtle, but i've talked about that before here.

They say there's a thin line between love and hate... but there's also a thin line between platonic and romantic love, and maybe that's why one of my favorite tropes in ships is the one where they start out as friends... (harurin from free, bakudeku, pegoryu, fluri, soriku, cloti, cleon, kimron, percabeth, kataang, lumity, appledash, katyana, korrasami, harlivy, etc #friendstolovers ftw!)

Like luffy and zoro... The god personified and the non believer. Oda is literally so insane for that..

One is very carefree and easy to put his trust in others. And the other is the more rigid one and needs to slowly build his trust. One is the more emotional one. The other is the stoic and more composed one. They share the same values, the same braincells, they can communicate and understand each other even without having to say much.

Their colors complement each other, their zodiac signs are compatible, their personalites can be quite contrasting but they actually blend perfectly. They are different but also the same. No one makes zoro smile as much as luffy, no one else luffy likes to lean on as much as he likes to lean and rely on zoro. No one makes zoro worry as much as luffy, even though luffy himself is very strong. No one luffy trusts with his crew as much as he trusts them with zoro, and his nakama means everything to luffy. They are the happiest when they are together.. fighting side by side, laughing with each other, talking with each other... They respect and understand each other the most. They are just so insane and i am also insane and-

They are the only two strawhats with twin numbers for their birth dates and months. The only two strawhats with CoC. The only two strawhats fighting for the greatest titles (pirate king and world's greatest swordsman respectively) they are the only two strawhats with a lot of parallels (let it be between each other like the hero talk in fishman island, or with the other captains and their first mates, which i kinda(?) have talked about before, here).

Zoro's the only member of his crew that luffy actually tries to find (he doesn’t stumble upon him like how he does with the rest of the strawhats) Zoro is the first person in canon that we see luffy enthusiastically feel it's okay to share his meal with. The first person outside of his family (i consider shanks and his crew, dadan, and makino as part of his found family!) that he cries and worries for (baratie arc). Zoro is the first person that he mentions when he splits up with his crew and the first one he calls whenever they meet again (alabasta, skypiea, punk hazard, zou, etc)

Zoro is luffy's anchor especially during difficult times (e.g. water7), he is luffy's voice of reason (e.g. pre-egghead), and luffy often listens to him (like when zoro gives luffy his assessment of a situation and how he thinks they should handle the situation and luffy immediately agrees to his plan)

And kinda random but meat is like the perfect food for beer! luffy's perfect for zoro!! Meat paired with the right beer can amplify each other's flavors. Even their favorite food (luffy) and drink (zoro) complement each other, like oda are you serious?? and the crazy thing is i'm pretty sure i haven't written down all the things that make me crazy about them

From their deal in shells town, then BOOM! zoro's sacrifice in thriller bark, all the way to luffy's blush, the iconic hug, and whatever tf that "if you're gonna invite our captain to hell, i'll come along as well" // "sorry... now you have no reason to die" bs in wano

Like how can i be normal about the two characters whose dreams have already merged into one that they can no longer achieve their dreams without each other by their side? i'm on my knees crying thinking about the bond between luffy and zoro-

#zolu #luzo #monkey d. luffy #roronoa zoro #one piece #like whoaa wordsdump go brbrrr #im like insane about them that words arent enough to express how insane i really am about them #and i didn't even think about opla zolu at all when writing this like #and opla zolu are also insane #like i luv them so much i want to combust #sksksksosohs #ok im normal now

[rawbins-undertale-blog]

hey there again!!!

might i slide in this fine ask box with another HC request?

if yes, then could you please write some HCs where uf and ht sanses and papyruses (seperate of course) s/o gets put in a hospital for a lil bit? you can decide what happened to s/o. maybe a bad heatstroke cuz its summer or something (totally not because its a bad heatwave where im living rn haha nope). idk, i just crave angst or hurt/comfort again from my fave skeletons.

if you're not up for this, its totally fine!!

thank you, have a chill day/night B)

- 🌌 anon whos sunburns arent stinging that much anymore B)

*Evil cackling* OH-HO-HO, yOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MONSTER YOU HAVE UNLEASHED…… I am an evil being who feeds off of angst and pain, and you’ve given me ample opportunity to make some of that sweet sweet angst >:-)))))))))

I tried to keep it ambiguous as to what you’re in for, mostly because I want you to be able to imagine heatstroke and me to be able to think “hahahah stab stab”! ^^

Also!!! The healthcare system in some other countries is fucking insane (like??? You guys have to pay to not die??????) so I’ll be going off of what I know about the healthcare system in Sweden where it’s free. (At least I’m 99% sure it’s free, except for like. Small things. For example, my antidepressants. I had to buy those myself when I was still on them.)

UF + HT BROS WHEN S/O IS IN THE HOSPITAL

Red (Underfell Sans):

He’s panicking so so bad, he’s terrified. What if you die?

Curses out anybody who tries to keep him from you, including the poor nurse who’s just doing their job

Actually he just. curses in general. He’s just spewing cuss words to seem angry instead of scared because That’s Definitely Better

Most likely out of all four to physically lash out at… well, anybody (except you obviously) lol

Red hates hospitals too, to make matters worse. He doesn’t know why, but they make him feel uncomfortable.

If somebody did this to you purposely and he’s not allowed by your side, he’s going out to find the person and kick their ass during that time lol

If nobody did this to you, he’s pacing and cursing and jfc Red, you do realise there are other people here right enjdjdjdjsjsk

This fucker tries to pull a “pfff nah i was never worried” but like. Red. Darling. Light of my life. Stars in my sky. Center of my universe. Bitch of my heart. Everyone can see right through your “anger” and literally your shaking voice is so not convincing. Get a better poker face and voice.

With some prodding, admits that finehewasscaredyou’ddieandhethoughthisheartstoppedforasecondwhichisweird’causehedoes’tevenhaveaheartanywaysthat’sovernowsowhocares

(He’s not great at expressing himself but it’s still progress)

WILL be staying right by you as you recover. You’ve no choice. (You do actually, he respects you and will back off if you tell him to)

Edge (Underfell Papyrus):

Oh no. Oh no.

Edge is trying his very best not to show any emotions but he’s not good at it because like. It doesn’t take a genius to see that him screeching angrily at people and demanding for the doctors to fix this is actually him poorly masking his fear. Edge doesn’t have the best poker face lol

He’s so pissed if he can’t stay right next to you the whole time. You’re his S/O!! What kind of bullshit is this?!

If you do need to be left alone with doctors and such things, Edge will do one or two things depending on why you're in the hospital, how bad what you’re in for is and for how long he can’t see you.

If you’re here for something like heatstroke - AKA something not brought on by somebody else - he’ll call friends and such while pacing and somewhat frantically share your current condition.

However, if anybody did this to you; and you’re in bad shape… Well, even fucking Satan will cower at the brutality of Edge’s revenge.

When he’s allowed to be, he’s by your side and - depending on why you’re in and for what - he might nag you for being careless, reassure you it wasn’t your fault, reassure you in general, and/or just stay silent.

It’s barely noticeable, but just noticeable enough, that you can tell that he’s shaking.

All it takes is a “are you okay?” For him to break and confess how scared he was.

For a moment he was back Underground and it was horrible and he felt so powerless and he hates that. He’s so, so happy you’re okay and he- he swears he’ll be with you on your way to recovery. Please just never get hurt again.

Dusk (Horrortale Sans):

If you thought Red and Edge were scared, just know it’s nothing compared to the absolute terror he feels.

Dusk knows how fragile the human body can  be. He’s seen horrific things happen to humans and monsters alike and he’s always hyper-aware of just how easy it’d be to kill and/or hurt you.

Logically, he knows you won’t die, he knows human anatomy well enough to know this is something you’ll bounce back from, but his instincts are going haywire and all he can think of are the mangled corpses back Underground. It doesn’t matter whether your condition has anything to do with broken limbs or not, because those pictures are what his mind is forcing onto him.

He refuses to leave your side. If he’s forced away from you by nurses/doctors/staff, he’ll protest but if he really can’t be by you for your safety, he’ll be anxiously hovering as close by as he possibly can. Whenever he’s allowed to touch you, he’s practically glued onto you.

If he’s sure it’s just the two of you, and you’re unconscious, he’ll probably cry.

He… He hates being reminded of your mortality. He hates the idea that any day could be your last. He doesn’t know what he’d do if you were gone.

(He’d dust, probably.)

If somebody else got your purposely hurt, he’s going to hunt them down after a while (after you’ve recovered enough for him to be comfortable leaving you alone for a bit). He’s not going to kill them, but he might rough them up a bit -- but most likely, he’ll just intimidate them and/or threaten them. (It’d be a different story if you were murdered.)

Whenever you’re conscious, he’ll do pretty much anything you say, so long as it won’t get you anymore hurt or risk stunting your recovery.

When you’re released from the hospital, he’ll be by your side nearly 24/7 because he hates the idea of you getting hurt again just because he wasn’t there to protect you.

Aster (Horrortale Papyrus):

Tries to look calm and composed, but he does about as poor of a job as his brother. He does better in that he doesn’t act out or get in the way of the nurses, but he’s also crying and shaking and sobbing and can’t stop.

You getting injured triggers him pretty badly. If you’re not bleeding, it’ll probably be “only” a bad anxiety attack, but if there’s any blood involved it’s escalating into a full-blown panic attack.

He’s a nurse himself, but I doubt he’d be allowed to work with the other nurses when it comes to you because of how unsteady he is. He’s not sure whether he’s thankful for it or not, because he doesn’t trust himself to do a good job but he also wants to be there for you. He trusts his colleagues, but it’s still nerve-wracking.

Just like the others, he’s glued to your side when he’s allowed to be. Very metaphorically. He’s the best of them all at giving you space, partially because he’s just more respectful lol and partially because he’s a nurse so he knows not to smother you with physical affection until you’re in the clear.

If somebody caused you to go into this state, he will just like Dusk go and find them. He won’t do anything physical, but he does intimidate the person very effectively. He’s a terrifying giant and he knows how to use that to his advantage.

When you’re fine again, he’ll be acting anxious and protective for a while. He feels really guilty about it (because he should be comforting you - plus, he’s a nurse! He’s seen way worse things on his job) but you’ll have to give him comfort. This whole thing didn’t inspire much positive feelings in him and it stressed him out a lot, it may honestly take more of a toll on him than it does you.

#imagines tag #undertale imagines #undertale headcanons #undertale au #horrortale sans #y/n x sans #reader x sans #sans #sans x y/n #sans x reader #uf papyrus #y/n x papyrus #papyrus x y/n #reader x papyrus #papyrus #papyrus x reader #underfell #horrortale #🌌 anon

[astralglam]

𝐒𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐝𝐝𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 .

1. What does your muse smell like?

without soap or perfume, 683 smells bizarrely sterile, chemical-ish, like a dentist’s office, bleach or cleaning supplies.  like hand sanitizer that kills 99.9% of germs.  they have that faint smell of powdery clean cosmetics, only because they wear so much foundation, face powder and setting spray.  humans like things that smell less artificial, so 683 takes to using cheap perfume (think a teenager who just learned to douse themselves with axe or bath and bodyworks spray), which is artificial in a slightly more palatable way.  their clothes (which are almost all second hand) have that mothball-musty smell of a thrifted dress that hasn’t been washed yet, like an old book.    

2. What do your muse’s hands feel like?

cold, frigid and icy, almost like a mannequin’s if you left the mannequin in the freezer. their skin is tight over their tendons and fingers, with almost waxy, plasticy skin stretched over their joints and knuckles, which makes them seem very fragile.  sometimes their palms are uncannily clammy.  their skin on their palms isn’t rough or calloused but they’re starting to get scars on their fingertips from their voyages into the realm of string instruments.  they used to have very neat, clean and unpainted nails, but nowadays, they have divots and cracks because 683 is clumsy with the strings.  

3. What does your muse usually eat in a day?

683 is often at the mercy of when their friends will decide to cook for them/buy them food.  they don’t have any cooking skills and can barely wash and cut an apple (this isn’t because they’re stupid, on atomina they were used to communal dining with a designated set of people who cooked for everyone in their unit).  683 is naturally accustomed to eating plant matter and (unlike us humans) has a way better digestive system for breaking down cellulose and gets a lot more out of their vegetarian diet than you might expect (two stomachs aint for nothin).  left to their own devices they just eat Whatever (orange? handfuls of spinach, unwashed, pesticides dont hurt them.  microwave a tomato and watch it explode.  brave cutting open an avocado and just eating it with a spoon).  dinner is when priscilla either buys him take out or sid cooks something for him (and sid is an amazing cook!!!).  sid isn’t vegetarian, but his family is, so he knows how to make all kinds of dishes perfect for 683 -- substitute the dairy for nondiary alternatives and 683′s getting matter paneer (with tofu instead), malai kofta (with coconut milk), and aloo gobi (no butter), all sorts of things !!! 

4. Does your muse have a good singing voice?

sort of.  683′s voice, by itself, is nasally and weird and a little grating, but their devotion to music lets them make the most out of their “strange” voice and almost use it to their benefit to sound unique, different, super far out !11!11111  their lyrics, instrumentals and emotion combined is what makes them a talented musician rather than just a good quality voice.  so while they might not have a very pretty voice, they’re still a skilled singer due to their delivery.  

5. Does your muse have any bad habits or nervous ticks?

im assuming this is about bad (physical) habits rather than personality deficiencies (of which 683 has many).  683 stares, like, really just stares at people with reckless abandon, they havent figured out it’s rude.  they arent good at even pretending to listen so if they’re disinterested in what you have to say, they’ll look elsewhere, pick at their nails, mumble or interrupt you.  always finds a way to make the conversation about themself.  very disorganized and messy, has a hard time taking care of objects even if they value them (ex. dropping his guitar, misplacing jewelry, yanking a belt off and breaking it).  definitely self pities and has no problem trying to guilt you for everything and anything.  is a pretty frequent smoker, but is polite enough not to smoke if you ask him not to.  

683 is always a little nervous so their nervous ticks are just their baseline state of being (wringing hands, stammering, talking really fast, making insane gestures all around you but being too afraid to touch you, etc)

6. What does your muse usually look like / wear?

683 looks very put together at all times -- not necessarily polished or professional, but very intentional, in that you can tell they definitely made a conscious choice to dress the way they do.  he wore the same dumb uniform every day for the first 20 years of his life, so he’s very excited to try new clothing options.  

more femme-ish clothing preferences go to boxy, sleeveless a-line dresses, miniskirts, bright floral patterns, big plastic earrings, headbands, scarves, etc.  they like clunky platforms and prefer to wear boots.  very 60s mod and colorblocked.  she loves bright eyeshadow but tends to go for more neutral lipstick.  can never figure out what to do with her hair so she usually leaves it down or does a half-up half-down bun kinda deal.  

more masc clothing preferences are bell bottoms, button ups with butterfly collars, paisley print, turtlenecks and fringe jackets, etc. earthy tones and weird nasty olive green.  very late 60s / early 70s. prog rock flavor or glam rock flavor.  never got into the disco style only because he cant pull it off because he’s so scrawny and twitchy and has no chest hair to impress the ladies.    

one thing about 683 is that he hates tight long sleeves and goes insane if he has to wear them.  his uniform was sleeveless, so even short sleeves feel really weird and horrible on his arms.  prefers sleeveless, can do with short sleeves, 3/4ths sleeve or loose long sleeve, really tries to avoid tight/constricting long sleeves.  

i have a pinterest board of potential fits for him although i havent updated it because i barely know how to use pinterest.

7. Is your muse affectionate?  How much?  How so?

to most people, not really, he’s kind of a weird cagey asshole.  oscillates between fascinated with physical touch (suddenly wanting to hug his friends or snuggle with them or grabbing strangers when he’s trying to talk to them) to despising contact (cringes if you touch his hand when you pass him a cup).  he didnt grown up with a culture very big on it, so he isn’t sure if he likes it or not yet.  

to people he does care about, he tends to take his friends for granted but overperform affection for those he has romantic interest in.  not that he doesnt also dearly love and adore his friends, he’s just not the best at expressing his care for them other than random bursts of kindness and dissolving back into his weird normal self.  his understanding of romance has come from a very commercial, media-influenced place (he learns about it through television, novels and commercials, it’s not really inherent to his species) so he thinks romance is about buying flowers, holding hands, staring into each other’s eyes for three hours, etc. if he has romantic interest in you, he will constantly over and over again tell you how much he likes you and your company and you are soooo funny hahahhahhfhh, and will be unusually touchy (clings to your arm, sits RIGHT next to you, drops his head on your shoulder, etc).  

8. What position does your muse sleep in?

683 didnt know what blankets were until he came to earth (or deep space nine) !!! his old room was perfectly temperature controlled and he already has a lower natural body temperature, so there was no need for blankets at all.  human beds with big pillows and blankets are THE COOLEST, so he either curls up underneath a blanket with only the top of his head poking out or he sprawls out like a starfish to take advantage of as many pillows as possible.  his special move is to roll up in the blanket like some kind of little alien lumpia.  

he’s a fitful sleeper so if you sleep in the same bed as him, he’ll punch you or kick you on accident.  he does appreciate company, though, and will also plaster himself up against you and leech your body heat with his weird cold body.

9. Could you hear your muse in the hallway from another room?

depends.  they have a very average speaking voice and aren’t necessarily very loud (plus platforms dull footsteps), but if they were excited, they might raise their voice or yell or exclaim something.  and then they’re very shrill, so yes, you would hear her.  

Tagged by:  @sampati im sorry i took like a week it was really fun i love to type letters and words on the computer Tagging: @dynaura or @pataparty (for whoever you want) / @phantombs / @ofgentleresolve (for lamon? or anyone you want, really!!) / @bystcrdust / @kyrieleisen / @baelends / @bup1957

#meme #tidbit #i can never keep 683's pronouns consistent and im too lazy to proofread this #keep your 'lectric eye on me ; queue

[angeliclunaetic]

went back and reread my old posts on here and realized that i still feel exactly the same except more,, about him. even the old “break up” posts i still feel, i really would feel so hurt, so lost, so confused without him. i feel so deeply for him now that i dont even know how to express it anymore. simple words arent enough. i love him more than i could ever describe. i love his eyes, how dark yet beautiful they are. they just draw me in even more. and as much as i just want to look deeply into them more, i get very shy everytime he looks my way. we’ve been dating for almost 4 months now and i still have the biggest crush on him, i still fangirl over every little thing he does/ says to me. just everything about him is so alluring. i never thought id ever be so infatuated with someone else before but here i am. im just so deeply in love with him that if he’s gone for even a second, my heart feels like its going to burst with loneliness.for some reason lately i keep thinking about everything me and him have been through from the day we met,, even just thinking about the day we met and when we first saw each other irl. its crazy how none of this feels real. its like a dream. a perfect one at that. how could i have gotten someone so truly amazing. i dont even know how i managed to get so lucky. i miss him so much rn that its literally driving me insane. i miss hearing his voice or watching his face turn red and him getting flustered at something i say. i love the cute lil thing he does when i say he’s cute and how he just hides his face behind something once he gets flustered. i love hearing his laugh,, its literally the cutest thing ive heard. i love seeing him play with his hair and how one day i will be able to play w it as well, how sometimes he scrunches up his nose when it itches,, that serious look he gives me when i say something bad about my self,, his cute lil smile when i finally give in,, just seeing him smile and just adore me in general makes me so happy. the look he gives me,, you can just see the pure love he has for me in his eyes. i want this love to last forever. i want to spend the rest of my life with him, i want to have disney movie marathons with him and just have a house filled with gaming/nerdy shit with him,, i wanna have date nights with him, i wanna go out on adventures with him. i never thought id ever look at anybody and feel so safe,, so at home,, so just incredibly in love. ive never even had a negative thought about him, i never could. 

#lovenotesforsam

[yeoldontknow]

kat! love your all your fics you're an amazing writer! can you share some writing tips for amateur writers out here?

hi anon writing advice tag if youre looking for like...more specific answers? when it comes to writing, its a very subjective experience when it comes to finding inspiration, outline style, word choice, etc but theres a few things i think across the board are important to remember. 

going under a cut to not clog dashes

- consume as much media as you can. ex: books, music, film etc. i know for me personally im most inspired when im consuming art. i literally cannot write without music, like its genuinely so difficult because i pace my writing against the soundtrack of each scene. and the filtering, editing, and direction style of films/tv series i like will influence, in some manner, how the fic looks in my mind. yes, your plot and characters are found/uncovered in your brain and heart, but these other mediums assist in your interpretation of how youd like to express it and will help inspire the way you describe certain things. so dont be afraid to step back from a doc to consume other forms of art. for me, at least, its really important.

- keep writing and dont let yourself stop. once you decide you want to write a fic or drabble or whatever comes to mind, write it. and once that is done, write more. this is how you develop a style. you will notice the more you practice, the easier it gets. OR you will notice the more you write, the more evolved your writing becomes. this is how you form a style. here is an example: 

an excerpt from a series i was writing in 2011 in a different fandom:

No one tells you what it’s like to go insane. No one talks about it because, we, as a society, understand the chemistry and the biology of it, but we don’t understand the feeling of it. Time had started to compress, slipping around me in a computerized metronome of blood flow and heart beats that had started to tell me nothing except that I was still living. They hadn’t strapped me to the bed, but I still couldn’t leave and everything about the room started to feel like a cage. Sleep had eluded me since I was pulled out, and through the exhaustion and the haze of sameness I never knew exactly when I was beyond a date of 2266.

I was craving daylight - not the vitamin D, as I was being given a healthy dose of daily vitamins through an IV drip - the natural light and the natural warmth of it, all over my face and skin. The ceiling lights of the room provided an element of ultraviolet light, but after so many hours the falsehood of an invention began to wear a person down. It’s something you never really think about, the sun, not until you don’t have it, not until you haven’t seen it for one hundred years.

But when one hundred years feels like three days or two weeks, time really stops mattering and then the sun itself doesn’t feel so important.

from Empty Vessels, posted july 2019:

For a while, they do not speak. Minseok looks longingly out over the water, hollowed, as the herbalist regards the dirt on her shoes with an empty stare. In the silence, Junmyeon minutely nods, the bare threads of his patience allowing them space to find their words. Images spring to his mind, all imagined and none wholly formed, each as bleak and battered as the crow in Chanyeol’s arms. He wonders what Minseok has seen, unable to avoid with a clarity bordering on entrapment; he wonders what she has heard, whispers on the wind of a life he thought he’d left behind.

‘The trees are screaming,’ she announces, eyes still downcast though her voice is sharp; blunt as the edge of a sword and equally as unforgiving. ‘They’re in pain.’

It settles over him, slow and uncompromising, the notion that trees could make sound - that they would choose to. The oldest wisdom lingers in their branches, and for one brief moment, he sees her as someone as old as their roots.

i, at least, can see an enormous difference in quality and style and thats because ive been writing and writing and writing for a very long time lmao. in 2011 i was 3 years into writing fanfic consistently; at that time, too, i was still working towards my degrees and writing daily for film analysis projects. the more you write, the more you evolve so please please please dont stop just because you feel you arent experienced enough. confidence and style will come over time, just keep yourself in practice. 

- NOTES MEAN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. notes on tumblr are a hot take - and while, yes, there is a need for more reblogs and more sharing of content, focusing on statistics will drive you to the brink. joseph gordon levitt released a ted talk last week on how seeking attention is detrimental to your creativity and LORD this is such a good talk because its true. one of the things he discusses is how powerful the feeling of receiving attention - in this case, notes on a fic - drives someone toward output, but is that genuine? now, of course theres always going to be different scenarios or opinions but if you are just starting out with writing please dont post a fic under the assumption or expectation of achieving a note goal. there are so many variables as to what gets notes and what does not - from algorithm to how many people are online to see it to timing to content like you cannot predict what will or will not correspond to x number of notes and x number of followers. 

instead of setting note or follower goals, set word count goals. when i first started writing for kpop i was actually a pretty concise writer. if you look at the early chapters of hero and wyrm tamer, they all would peak around 4 or 5k words. achieving 10-15K on something seemed absolutely ridiculous and impossible to me - hell, 15K was 10K words under my masters thesis count! why would i want to write that much? but now? im shook if i finish a chapter or fic and the word count is just 4K. those word count goals are exciting for me. 

nervous about word count goals? thats fine! set a goal to write a genre. always wanted to try high fantasy? dope! do it! want to write some sexy vampires? fuck yeah, everyone loves those! want to write a fic that helps you release some tension or trauma youve experienced? please do that, writing is therapy and has been scientifically proven to help. 

set goals for making characters, world building, soundtracks, to learn photoshop to make a moodboard. set goals for all kinds of things but pls dont set goals for statistics because these are so variable and very often outside of your control they will very often suck any joy out of your creativity before its had the chance to start.

i hope these help!

#writing advice #the cutest anons! #Anonymous

[ellerevelle]

okay so im feeling crazy and detached again (as usual lately)

but instead of spiraling into absolute fucking panic, I’m deciding to take today to just ... not wholly subscribe to this manner of thinking BUT. JUST FOR NOW. I feel like taking some of the craziness flack off myself and blaming it on some shit outside of myself. Because feeling this weird and detached cant all just be me. So here’s a brainstorming of whats got me fucked up, in no particular order: 

Trump is our stupid President

That guy who told me he loved me daily and asked me to be his girlfriend after basically living with me immediately after meeting me and I fell for hard despite a ton of red flags CHEATED on me while I was away visiting home. 

And then blamed it on MY bad communication? fuck that guy. 

But now I see one of the girls he slept with (multiple times, three days in a row) I see her everywhere all the time in everyones instagrams, at everyones parties... ugh. 

Um. People are dying. Close to me. More importantly and spefcifically women I love are dead. 

I didnt get to see Inga before she died. I was too busy forging a relationship with CHEATER GUY. Didnt get home in time to see her. Talk to her. 

Grandma. This has been the whole first year without her, come November. Its subtle, but terrible and I hate it. She was my last matriarch. The last woman who’s blood is in me. 

because Mom’s dead too. And has been since August of 2015. 2015, right? God it feels like forever ago now, probably because I’ve pushed it away. She died unexpectedly and NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAS SAID THE WORD SUICIDE OUT LOUD even though thats what happened. She OD’d on prescribed opiate painkillers to escape her depression. And we NEVER talk about it. 

So I kindof feel insane. Not talking about things that are clearly there. Like, are they not clearly there for anybody else? Now all my women are gone. My brother literally avoids talking about feelings. My dad is a little more receptive but is more the comforting type than the forthcoming, express onesself type. Getting sentimentality out of my brother is like pulling teeth sometimes. But yet if his son does something cute, its God’s Work and he cant help but cry and get that beautiful lovie squishy look on his face. 

I’m jealous of my own nephew. I see the way my Mom loved me, in the way my Brother loves his son. And I miss being that perfect to somebody. My Dad loves me forever and always and there isnt a word for how grateful I feel for our relationship. I dont take that for granted at all. It actually kindof scares me because... hah, well what if Dad dies? Like, before I’m ready? I’ll be even MORE fucked! 

Anyways. Austins been pissing me off. I’m sorry but although Polyamory is possible and cool and im sure quite beautiful for many, 

The Austin poly scene is fucked and tainted and a bunch of slutty people having orgies and not TALKING about anything and its ruining the healthy vibe poly is incumbent upon. 

So, whatever I’m angry. So fuck that noise. 

I feel like because of cheater guy and my anger at the psuedo poly orgy sexy bullshit scene in Austin, I feel like I’ve broken up with a whole group of friends. Like, I dont want to be around any of it. I dont want to see you eat mushrooms and twerk. I dont want to see your stupid, super naked outfit. I dont think its hot you carry a flogger or can pole dance or slink around like a tarantino character. It used to be hot and thrilling and fun, when I felt like it was connected and for love and sharing and caring. But now it all just is slutty and vapid and useless and cold. Like a sad clown. And thats not sexy, its dark and desperate. *this is about both VERY particular people and broad general strokes. There are several extremely amazing friends in the scene and outskirts thereof that truly inspire me and dont fall into this catagory in my mind, although they’d probably still be angry with me for dissing things ^^ the way I just did but. fuck it, this is MY journal entry and I can be irrational if I want to. 

You cant be open fucking minded ALL the time. Sometimes people really arent acting with anyones best intentions but their own. I’ve used up SO MUCH FUCKING ENERGY making myself soften and open and “woke” and trying to go with everybodys flow. And I’m exhausted and over it. I have my own principles and theres nothing wrong with having differing opinions than someone else. 

All summer I’ve been feeling like I’m a bad person for not liking or not understanding this hyper sexual scene in Austin. I thought, “why am I shaming a scene thats giving me opportunity to really shine and be free?” when, in an IDEAL world, yes thats what the scene could be. But in what actually fucking unfolds -- humans SUCK and dudes SUCK and girls SUCK and everybody (especially when horny) are fucking STUUUUPIIIIIDDDD and ideals get thrown out the window! people arent nearly as “woke” as I gave them the actual credit for. Seriously. So! I’m fuckin OUTTIE! 

I’ve felt broken up with a whole scene. FUck cheater guy, fuck poly, fuck orgies, fuck people who are reckless with my love. 

Back to the list:

I’ve been eating too much out of boredom. Which I’ll blame on lack of quality social interaction in this town. Where are the scholars? Where are the sexy edgy BRAINY people? I’m tired of hot people in little clothing in the summer. 

Ah! Another thing for the list. its been TOO FUCKING HOT OUT. FOR MONTHS. 100 DEGREES FOR MONTHS. thats enough to make anyone insane. 

So i’m sick of teenie boppers in their nothing outfits in the heat. 

I want old smart people in peacoats. I miss books and weather and frowns. Irritable debates about literature or physics or religious theories. 

I only like my own brand of cigarettes. 

My roommates are annoying me. I dont really like my house anymore. Theres too many humans and not enough square footage. Four people to one kitchen is TOO MUCH SHIT. EVERYONE BUYS THEIR OWN BANANAS AND THEY ALLLLLL GO BROWN ON THE TABLE. thats four peoples worth of bad bananas. FUcking stupid. 

I dont have a hairdresser here. Sometimes when I feel shitty I like to throw money at the problem. Buy something. Get a haircut. See a show. Etc. 

And my hairdresser love is in Philadelphia and getting a flight to get a haircut is slightly insane (without a longer visit)

I miss Adam. 

What else can I blame my upset on. Shitty politics, shitty weather, shitty social sexual scene in my town, I dont like my house, I dont like my hair. Its too expensive to live here. No one in my immediate acquaintance or friend circle seems interested in the sort of romantic relationship I’m seeking, nor if they did does anyone have the “it” factor I look for which I’ll *try* to describe maybe in another post. 

So. I sit inside my room and try to fix stupid remedial things as if itd make a big impact. I tidy and put away clothes in attempt to feel less cluttered but am too scared to make BIG cuts and BIG changes. So instead I light insence and watch netflix and eat too much. I have started going to Barre3 again more and have been semi regular with therapy so thats something. 

I really ought to start doing “morning pages” like the book Fiona loaned me suggests in its FIRST GODDAMN CHAPTER. But, alas, I am lazy. 

No, I have become recently lazy. 

I’m spoiled. I dont do things I dont want to do. Its a major character flaw. I only push and struggle if I see worthyness in it, and lately theres been serious lack of evidence of that in, well, anything.

 #depression! 

so, I guess in summation- because nothing has been a WORTHWHILE struggle, EVERYTHING feels like a struggle. Humph. thats... thats not good. But it does, because i dont see the worth in a lot of goals or tasks or even relationships, (and i dont mean the greedy “what can I GET for ME out of this!” sort of b.s.) (I mean the... conserve precious energy, is this going to teach me something or help me grow as a person or bring love into my life sort of vibe) ...

when I dont think the energy expenditure is going to pay off, I dont do it. Or I do it half way or lazily or with tentative fear. I guess I could do an experiment and just do everything with HOPE and see if my energy put in will get a different result... but. like. I feel like I did that all summer and he cheated on me. And my “friends” said “dont be angry, be poly” and I couldnt call on my Mom or Grandma and so I call on eating and isolation and running away to visit home where no one cares I dont have a job. where the house is big and the air is cold and my friends are smart. 

I really miss Kristian. That was one of the greatest feelings of self love in my entire life. I felt like, if someone that special noticed ME. Saw ME. Little old, semi chubby, not famous ME, and wanted me around for a couple tour dates. Then I ought to believe in myself TOO. I wanted to dance, I wanted to make art, I wanted to take photos, I wanted to be bold, I wanted to be humble, I felt so open and content with myself. I was motivated to work out, I was motivated to eat healthy and clean and small portions. It was easy. It felt so fun. I loved him. I dreamt big. My imagination was so warm and excited. My inner critic was GONE. 

But he faded away. He got back with his ex. The shooting star left the sky. I’m still grateful for the experience at all, but. 

I feel a little stupid for thinking anything could’ve happened. 

And I truly miss feeling so special and excited about life. 

I dont want to run away from Austin out of fear. But I cant tell if I’m unhappy and want to leave genuinely, or if this is the spoiled part of me thats like, “this sucks, lets leave.” instead of pushing though, curating something better with some struggle, and sticking it out. 

How do people make big life decisions like this? I feel like thats what marriages do. People stay together and fight. But sometimes they get divorced anyways, its just been longer. More years wasted. When maybe it wouldve been healthier to leave sooner and cut the cord and be free to live without, sooner. 

I really like a lot of things about this city. But I really dislike a lot too. And I cant tell where I want my life to go, in a grand sense, so its hard to pick which attributes will matter in the long run. 

I dont think I should leave yet. Maybe a new house. Or like, serious efforts to declutter this one. Is this just excuses? Ugh. 

Declutter this house. If that doesnt feel better, leave the house and move to a new part of austin. If that doesnt feel better, leave austin. 

I need a job. 

#fml

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

#Long post #tw: suicide #TW: Depression #Trigger Warning #TW #OCD #Anxiety #Chronic Depression #Bipolar Disorder #Bipolar #Mental Health #My mental health

[ariandsamforever]

January 21st, 2020

went back and reread my old posts on here and realized that i still feel exactly the same except more about him, even the old "break up posts" i still feel i really would feel so hurt, so lost so confused without him. i feel so deeply for him now that i dont even know how to express it anymore simple words arent enough i love him more than i could ever describe i love his eyes, how dark yet beautiful they are they just draw me in even more and as much as i just want to look deeply into them more, i get very shy everytime he looks my way we've been dating for almost 4 months now and i still have the biggest crush on him, i still fangirl over every little thing he does/ says to me just everything about him is so alluring i never thought id ever be so infatuated with someone else before but here am im just so deeply in love with him that if he's gone for even a second, my heart feels like its going to burst with loneliness for some reason lately i keep thinking about everything me and him have been through from the day we met even just thinking about the day we met and when we first saw each other irl its crazy how none of this feels real its like a dream a perfect one at that how could i have gotten someone so truly amazing i dont even know how i managed to get so lucky i miss him so much in that its literally driving me insane i miss hearing his voice or watching his face tum red and him getting flustered at something i say i love the cute lil thing he does when I say he's cute and how he just hides his face behind something once he gets flustered i love hearing his laugh, its literally the cutest thing ive heard. I love seeing him play with his hair and how one day i will be able to play w it as well, how sometimes he scrunches up his nose when it itches that serious look he gives me when i say something bad about my self his cute lil smile when i finally give in just seeing him smile and just adore me in general makes me so happy the look he gives me you can just see the pure love he has for me in his eyes I want this love to last forever i want to spend the rest of my life with him, i want to have disney movie marathons with him and just have a house filled with gaming/nerdy shit with him, I wanna have date nights with him. I wanna go out on adventures with him i never thought id ever look at anybody and feel so safe, so at home so just incredibly in love ive never even had a negative thought about him i never could

[burneraccountlmao]

Jooheon looks down at you from the awfully luxurious couch he is sitting on, the power he exudes makes you feel small, and the sheer want for him doesn’t help at all. His eyes drift over your figure, taking in the pretty pink lingere set he gave you only a few hours prior.

A shiver wrecks through your body, from the room temperature or the way he was looking at you with nothing but pure lust in his eyes, you don’t know.

“You look so pretty for me baby,” Jooheon says in that deep tone of his, the compliment making you blush and look away from his intimidating eyes. “You know that I love you right?” Yet even with such a kind statement, the way he says it in such a cold manner makes you even more wet for him.

You swallow the saliva building up in your mouth, and nod. Feeling too overpowered to say anything.

Jooheon sighs, and the simple act of letting go of air gives you a pang of fear. You know from months of training that sighing equals annoyance, and when Jooheon is annoyed it ends very badly for you, whether that be in the best way possible or not.

Getting up from the couch, he walks over to where you are leaning on your knees, the click of the soles against the hard wood floor resonates in the thick air. Finally, Jooheon is in front of you, his breath fanning across your face from the proximity and you can’t help but get lost in the dark abyss that is his eyes. He brings up his hand and caresses it across your cheek, the action making your eyes flutter shut. But the peaceful mood is over far too quickly, since what was once a lovingly cup of your cheek turned into a vice like grip on your jaw. Your eyes spring open, searching for something other than those cold pupils.

“You know you’re supposed to answer me. Answer your Master” The haughty tone of his voice that seemingly got five octaves deeper whispered into your ear, his breath fanning across you, causing a shiver to run down your spine.

“Ye-yes master, I am sorry for upsetting you,” Your voice came out shaken, your mouth too dry to properly speak.

Letting go of your jaw, Jooheon gave a quick kiss to your forehead and stepped away, “Thats more like it pet” the term was soaked in nothing less of sickly sweet. It made you crave more, but your hands are tied together in an awfully pretty bow and you absolutely don’t want to upset Jooheon even more.

“I can see you rubbing your thighs together, you sure are needy arent you, pet?” His question came out condescending, and it was clear that he was enjoying himself immensely by the smirk playing on his plush lips.

His words caused a whimper to escape your mouth, eyes closing just thinking about all the things he could do to you. Jooheon snapped his fingers, causing your eyes to shoot back open, and when your gaze fell on his face you knew you were in big trouble. His brows furrowed and a scowl was placed upon his regularly kind features .

“Look at me pet. You are really testing my patience.”

“I-im sorry master I’m just so wet for you, please I need you so bad, I can’t help it-” You tried to plead, begging for any stimulation, you could feel the wetness soak through the lace baby pink panties Jooheon bought you.

“Shut up! I’ve had it with you, if you’re that needy then fuck yourself on my shoe for all I care. Or else I’ll just leave you sitting here.” Jooheon said, his voice nothing less of malicious. You looked up at him, he was back on the couch, sitting with his legs spread wide. His pants were insanely tight and you could see the shape of his hard cock outlined in black. Your mouth watered at the thought of being able to suck him off, the memories of his bony fingers grasped so tightly in your hair as you bobbed up and down his dick flooding your mind.

Jooheon raised an eyebrow at seeing you hesitate, but smiled a menacing grin when he saw you crawl towards him, watching you stumble with your hands still tied. Once you got in front of him, he felt his dick harden even more if that was possible, your pleading gaze switching from looking at his eyes, to his dick, then towards his black leather dress shoes, and back again.

You sat atop his shoe, the hard feeling of the tip digging into your pussy in all the right ways. You felt dirty, as you grinded against his shoe, with your face burried in his knee as if to hide your shameful blush. You felt Jooheons hand run through your hair, the gentle gesture reminded you that you were safe, and in very good hands.

“Master,” you moaned at the sensation, feeling yourself get close as your pace sped up, trying to get as much stimulation as possible.

That was before your orgasm was snatched right out of your delicate hands. When Jooheon moved his foot, leaving you stuck back on the cold hard floor and whining. Jooheon chuckled, leaning forward to grasp your hands, toying with the bow holding them together.

“You didn’t seriously think I’d let you release that easily, did you pet?” From the tearful look in your eyes, he knew you were foolish enough to believe that and laughed before kissing your wavering lips. The plush feeling of his lips against yours made every muscle in your body relax against him, falling into the kiss, you ached to run your fingers through his newly colored black hair. His hands grasped your face, holding so tightly your cheeks spill out from the gaps through his fingers. The kiss was nothing less of dominating, he held all the power over you in those soft lips of his, and its clear he would use all of it to his advantage. Jooheon prodded his tongue past your lips, exploring the mouth he loved so much. His dick twitched at the thought of fucking your face. He swallowed your moans and ate up your pleads for release, your voice never ceasing to beg for him and Jooheon would be lying if he said he didn’t want to hear that for the rest of his life. Pulling away, he looked at your faded expression, a string of saliva connecting you. He smiled and looked at your bruised lips, leaning in to kiss you once again before pulling away completely.

Your wrapped up hands stretched out to grasp onto him, but missed by a hair, therefore making you reluctantly place them back in your lap. Jooheon came up behind you, and you smiled reflexively, except that smile soon faded when you felt a fabric ghost across your nose and over your cheekbones. You let out a stuttery whimper when Jooheon tied the blindfold around your eyes, making your vision go black and your other senses heightened. Jooheon kneeled behind you and burried his head in your neck, causing goosebumps to rise when you felt his lips attach themselves to your neck, sucking hickies and bruising the flesh. His hands wandered up your sides, finally grasping your boobs in both hands, resulting in your breath hitching as his calloused fingers tweaked with your hard nipples through the lace fabric. But like always, once you registered he was there, he was gone again.

You whined again, wanting so much more contact, and swayed to the noise of Jooheons shoes clicking against the floor, ears straining to hear as you hoped for him to come back.

That was until you heard the familiar sound of the couch dipping did you know that Jooheon was right in front of you, on the couch. You were about to crawl towards him before another familiar sensation crept towards you, his shoe clad foot ghosted over your pussy; the platformed shoe making you ache to be stepped on, and as if Jooheon could read your mind, he pressed the sole of his shoe down onto your clit. Hard.

Letting a moan nearing a scream, you threw your head back as he rubbed against your clit, the addicting pleasure of the situation causing your body to quite literally quake. Your thighs begged to close shut, but you knew better than that. Your eyes squeezed shut as your face contorted to that of sheer pleasure, letting out moan after moan, as his shoe continued to rub all over your clothed sex.

“A-ah, please let me cum Master, I’m so-so close, please,” Your broken whines was music to Jooheons ears, as he watched your thighs shake from the impeding orgasm. He dug the tip of his shoe into your clit, the pain only mingling with the pleasure, and you hoped that he would let you cum. But perhaps that was just wishful thinking, because as soon as you shouted out a cry of, “I’m cumming,” Jooheons foot left you and all type of stimulation ceased.

Tears pricked your concealed vision, and you let out a long whine. You were about to go on your knees and plead before Jooheon stood up and placed his large hands under your arms, urging you to stand up. You stumbled trying to get up, falling into his embrace one too many times and looked up at him, despite not being able to see.

“How about we get these off, hm?” Jooheon mumbled, and began to slowly unravel the bow around your wrists. The first thing you did was dart your hands under his blouse, trying to get a feel of his warm skin. Jooheon chuckled and held your rubbed raw skin, he pulled your wrists up to his mouth and kissed it gently before untying your lingerie top and watching it fall down to the floor. Next his fingers hooked onto your panties and pulled them down. His eyes flitted to the slick that leaked straight through them, and to where it ran down your thighs.

“Wow you sure are wet, princess,” He laughed, using his fingers to rub up in down your pussy, watching it twitch with each touch. Jooheon gathered some of your wetness and used his free hand to pull off your blindfold, wanting you to see him suck off the slick from his fingers. You outright moaned at the sight, resulting in him smile devilishly.

“Now how about you be a good pet and beg for what you really want,” Jooheon said, it coming out less like a statement and more like a command.

“Please let me fuck you, please I need it so badly, I’m so wet for you Master, I need your cock so badly, please, I need you, let me ride your cock,” You begged, tugging at the end of his dress shirt and looking up at him with pleading eyes.

Jooheon only nodded, making you let out a sigh of relief, happy he was finally taking mercy on you. You watched as he took off his shirt, and unbuckled and unbuttoned his pants, pulling them down and seeing his dick spring up. You could’ve said it shocked you how he wasn’t wearing underwear but that would be a lie, instead you licked your lips and almost pounced on his cock right then and there.

Jooheon beckoned you over after sitting back down on the couch, normally you’d protest but at this point you are too far gone to object. Walking over to Jooheon you sat on his lap, feeling his hard dick lay in between him and your sex.

“I can’t wait to see you stuffed full with my cock,” He groaned out before guiding your hips onto him. With how slick you were it took no time to bottom out, the rapid stretch ripping a moan out of your throat while Jooheon groaned at the feeling of your tight walls around him. “You look so pretty babygirl, so pretty around my dick.”

He guided your hips up and down, watching your tits bounce with each thrust up. Jooheon latched his mouth back onto your jawline, sucking bruises into the skin as his hand that wasn’t on your ass, pull at your hair to tilt your head back. His and your moans let out in waves, you could tell Jooheon was breaking character, getting too lost into the sensation of him inside of you.

You felt your release bubble up inside of you, and your hips grinded down everytime Jooheon gripped your ass.

“You’re doing so-so well baby, look at you; bouncing on my cock like that, I cant wait to fill you up with everything I got,” His raspy voice groaned out, the straight filth from his words, making you orgasm right then and there. But even after you leaned down into the crevice of his neck, too tired to keep yourself straight up, Jooheon continued fucking into you, and you straight up screamed at the overwhelming intensity of the overstimulation he was giving you. You begged him to stop, but knew it wouldn’t happen any time soon until he got his release.

You convulsed around him with every thrust, gripping and pulling at his hair as he grunts in your ear, not knowing how to unfocus from the overwhelming sensation. It wasn’t until Jooheon let out a long moan, his seed spurting up inside of you, coating your walls in the creamy substance, did you finally be able to relax.

You two just stayed there for a while, his dick softened inside of you with his and your cum slowly dripping out.

Jooheon carded his fingers through your hair, peppering kisses all over your face. Your favorite part about sex with Jooheon was the aftercare, how he tended to every mark on your body, making sure he didn’t hurt you and cleaning up the substance leaking out of you.

An hour later Jooheon and you were cleaned up, laying in bed as you watched some old reruns of shows too unimportant to name. Jooheon wrapped his arms around your form, burying his face into your freshly showered hair and sighing into it.

“I love you so much,” He mumbled, tightening his arms around your midriff. You smiled softly, and mumbled back multiple “I love you too"s to him. Your hands played with his fingers, until all you could do was let sleep overcome you with help of Jooheons soft breathing for comfort.

Needless to say the next few days you couldn’t walk at all.

[lukeysgirl]

Relentless | Calum Hood Series Pt.10

                                                   Part T E N 

Request: Being the cousin of Ashton Irwin was exciting, especially when invited to their tour to hang out with his best friends. You found yourself becoming fond of Calum Hood, who finds you annoying from your constant appearance. But what would happen if you stopped giving him that attention?

Word Count: 4.5k +

A/N: ahhh im sorry in advanced! this isnt extremely jealous!cal but it is there! i hope you all arent disappointed in me ahaa i really hope ya’ll enjoy this and please get it to 100 notes, as usual ! xx

Parts: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty. [DONE]

                                                    I M A G I N E 

Dublin, 19:35 P.M. 

The Jeep full of you and the band finally began pulling over by a large home. It was lovely from the outside, seeming lavish with beautiful stone tiles and sugarcane plants. But it was extremely lively with bodies hanging around it, music blasting from the windows, and lights of all sorts beaming out. 

“Hey, you okay?” Ashton asked softly, poking your cheek to capture you from your mind. You look over at him and nod, half-assing that to him. You were unable to convey how nervous you were. There are several famous bodies with net worths higher than your intuition. 

“Just a little nervous,” you muttered, staring distantly at the crowd. But then Calum slipped his hand into yours and gave you a light squeeze. You turned over to him, being greeted with one of his warm, reassuring smiles. 

“It’ll be okay,” Calum said quietly. He gives you a gentle peck upon your cheek as the boys begin to hop out the car. Music exploded into the car once they opened the door. “Just stay by me and it’ll be just fine.” 

“Okay...” 

Hesitantly, you left the car and waited for Calum to come by your side. Once he did, the Jeep pulled away and Calum wrapped his arm around your waist. The music was loud and surrounded the entire place. Calum began guiding you inside while greet people along the way. You were definitely sure you saw Hayley from Paramore grab Calum’s arm briefly before you two entered the home. 

“Oh shit, it’s Calum fucking Hood!” Yelled the owner of the voice who you never thought you’d see in the flesh. Harry Styles, wearing a blouse of roses and black skinny jeans, said with a large smile. Pulling his curly hair back, he gives Calum a side hug while rubbing his back enthusiastically. “You boys came awful late, yeah?”

“Michael didn’t want to seem like a loser and said we should be ‘fashionably late,’” Calum said with a sigh, sharing a laugh with Harry as you watched in awe. It was insane to see one of the One Direction boys at a party this far from England. But then again, what do you expect from a worldwide sensation like One Direction? 

“What the hell did you guys do to pass the hours then?” Harry asked, genuine curiosity in his green eyes. 

“Isn’t it obvious? We watched some Glee and fucked,” Calum joked, getting a harsh laugh from Harry as he covered his face with his free hand. 

“I’ve fucking missed you, mate!” Harry says, planting a kiss on Calum’s cheek as they shared another laugh. His attention was then handed over to you, who stiffened and became breathless. “Who’s this lovely glass of water here, lad?”

Did Harry Styles just call me a glass of water? 

“Hold your horses, Styles,” Calum began, playfully shoving him away as Calum held you tighter. “This is my girlfriend, Y/N. She’s also Ashton’s little cousin.” 

“Oh really?” Harry replied, eyeing you up and down as he offered you his hand. You widened your eyes, looking over at Calum as he reluctantly gives you the OK. With hesitance, you placed your small hand in Harry’s large on. He then brought your hand over to his lips and placed a gentle kiss on the top of it. “It’s nice to meet you, Y/N. You’re very gorgeous.” 

“Th-thank you...” You choked out, having it barely audible as you were still in awe over being in the presence of Harry Styles. Goosebumps spread all over your arms from that kiss, still feeling the light chapped, but smooth lips on them. Harry chuckled softly from seeing your shocked expression. 

“She’s never really met many celebrities other than us,” Calum amuses, having you blush even more as some Panic! At The Disco began to play. “And she hasn’t been touring with us, so this is just a matter of firsts for her.” 

“That’s actually quite charming then,” Harry began, giving you a smile as he released your hand. “No worries though, Y/N. I’m just as dorky as Calum and them.” You found that very hard to believe, but you took his word for it. With your lips still slightly parted from shock, Calum goes and lifts your jaw up by the chin. 

“Anyways,” Calum says with a chuckle as he turns back to Harry. “Where’re the other lads? I was hoping to see Horan right when I entered through this door.” Horan? As in... Niall Horan? 

“He’s over at the back, by the pool,” Harry said, jabbing his thumb over to the back of the house. “D’you guys want any drinks, by the way? Might as well get yourself buzzed now that you’re here.” 

“Let me get a beer,” Calum spoke in his ear as someone rose the volume of the music. “I’m gonna share it with her.” Harry obliged as he disappeared into the frenzy of people. Calum guided you over to the side so you were no longer by the entrance. 

“Calum, why can’t I have my own?” You asked, more in curiosity than sadness. 

“Because I don’t trust myself if I get wasted,” Calum began as his lips were only inches from your ear. “I also don’t know how much you can tolerate before you make a bad move you might regret.” 

“That’s understandable,” you replied, giving him a warm smile as he gives you a quick peck on the lips. It warmed your heart that Calum was not only worried about you, but also himself. He seemed so cautious already, and you two just started dating. It seems like he doesn’t dare want to make a mistake. 

“Alright, c’mon. Let’s go find the rest of the dickheads.” Calum held you by your hand as he began guiding you through the crowds. You kept passing familiar faces, those that are splattered on TV and the internet. You tried not to freak out while Calum finally led the both of you to the backyard. 

There were cliques of people all over the backyard, sat in all the seats and on top of the tables. A series of empty beer bottles were ornate all around the pool. People were already swimming in the pool, with bottles in their hands as they held conversation. Lights were blaring everywhere by the DJ, who was on top of the hill that held a waterfall. It spewed out water into the pool, like in that one High School Musical movie. 

“Yo, Hood, over here!” A voice screamed, having you look over to see Luke waving his arm at the two of you. Calum guided you through, shaking hands of multiple famous faces before reaching the destination. You looked to find Luke and Ashton sharing a laugh with Niall and Louis Tomlinson. 

“Shit, Hood, how goes it?” Louis started, his voice fairly raspy but excited as he goes to give your boyfriend a big hug. You let go of Calum’s hand to let him hug Louis back. 

“Oh, don’t think I’ve seen you before.” Looking over, you see as Niall’s blue eyes dart into yours. You were starstruck again, feeling yourself stiffen up as your heart raced. “Are you a groupie?” 

“I-I...” You tried, but your words failed you. Luckily, Ashton rushed to your side and placed his arm around your shoulders. 

“This is my little cousin, Y/N!” Ashton said proudly. “We’ve invited her for part of the tour as her ‘study abroad’ program for her studies.” Niall smiled, now informed of the situation. He suddenly opened his arms to you and grinned. 

“Nice to meet ya, Y/N!” Niall began, waiting for you to fall into his arms. You felt your stomach churn, having you look over at Ashton for reassurance. 

“Is this okay?” You asked, having Niall chuckle. 

“Of course it is, c’mere!” Niall answered for Ashton, having you shyly enter Niall’s arms as he gave you a tight squeeze. He smelled nice, wearing a not-so pungent cologne. You reluctantly wrapped your arms around him, still in shock that you’re even in contact with Niall. 

“This is really just... wow!” You began, pulling away to stare at Niall. “I’ve listened to all your stuff and have been to a couple of concerts, but I never thought I’d meet you guys-- I’m just so!” You couldn’t formulate your words properly from the shock of just meeting 2 members of One Direction. 

“Aw, that’s so kind, thank you!” Niall said, getting such a polite smile from him as your cheeks continued to burn from shyness. Suddenly, an arm wrapped itself around your waist as you looked over to see it was Calum. 

“So I see you’ve met my girlfriend, Niall,” Calum began, a touch of what you believe to be jealousy rung in his words. 

“Wow, really?” Niall was amazed as he took another good look at you. “You’ve really scored, Calum. She’s absolutely beautiful, without a doubt.” 

“Th-thanks... wow...” You breathed, still unsure how to take this all in. “I’m really rocking this strong case of starstruck.” Everybody laughs as you give them a shy, small smile. 

“You’re starstruck?” Louis popped up in front of you. He bent down enough so his face was just a fair few inches away from yours. “I’m out of breath to see Calum with a very beautiful girlfriend.” You blushed, having Calum tighten his grip on you. 

“Thanks,” Calum said for you. “But now I feel like my jealousy is gonna explode if she goes and meet Liam now.” Everybody shares a laugh, with Calum joining in. But seeing in his eyes, he still had this sort of jealousy in his eyes. 

“Calm down, I’ve still got Eleanor by my side,” Louis teased with a cheeky grin. “And Liam is off with Cheryl playing beer pong, I think.” Everyone shared another laugh while moving on to another conversation topic. Harry came over and passed the opened beer to Calum. 

“Thanks, mate,” Calum said as he began clinking his glass with the rest of the boys. “Oh, Y/N-- Niall is the host of this party.” 

“Oh! Thank you for inviting me then!” You chirped shyly, having Niall laugh a bit. 

“Have you seen Michael?” Calum asked Ashton. 

“He’s with Crystal, playing beer pong,” Ashton informs, having Calum nod before he squeezed your hip lightly. 

“We’ll see you guys around, yeah?” Calum began, waving them away as you could barely raise your hand. You never thought that One Direction would be so kind to you. Especially with the audacious compliments in front of your boyfriend. 

“Where are we going?” You asked Calum while he dragged you back inside the lovely home. He stays mute, turning into a hallway that led into the living room. A large tennis table was ornate in the middle of it, with a large crowd around it. Calum shoved the both of you through to find what was expected. Liam Payne and Cheryl, playing against Michael and a pink-haired beautiful.

She’s quite beautiful, you thought, watching the two play with such focus. Michael quickly shot his ping pong ball into Liam’s cup, having the crowd scream in enjoyment as Michael puts his arms up in success. Calum guides the both of you behind Liam, seeing as he taps him behind the shoulder. 

“Mm?” Liam hummed as he gulped down the contents of the red solo cup. His brown eyes widened at the sight of Calum, putting the cup down to hug him. As he did, Cheryl came by and greeted you with a smile. 

“I assume you’re Calum’s girlfriend?” Cheryl asked politely. 

“How’d you know?” You asked, a bit in awe as you looked at the beautiful brunette before you. 

“Well, your hands are together, aren’t they?” Cheryl said with a fond smile, having you look down to see that. Calum was hugging Liam with one arm, refusing to let go of your hand. “It’s quite cute. What’s your name?”

“I’m Y/N,” you say politely, feeling your starstruckness mellow down as you finally met another girl. “You’re Cheryl, right? You’re really beautiful.” 

“Aw, you’re so sweet!” Cheryl says as she gives you a gentle tap on your shoulder. It was exposed after all, as you were wearing a white, off-the-shoulder shirt. “You’re a button yourself.” 

“And I thought I was going to get jealous from all the boys.” The two of you turn to see Calum and Liam staring at the two of you. Calum gave you a light squeeze of your hand. “Now I’m gonna get overworked by girls complimenting my girlfriend, too.” 

“It’s alright, mate,” Liam tries to reassure. His oak eyes study you for a moment before he gives you a warm smile. “She is beautiful, you should be happy that other people see what you see, Cal.” 

“Well, yeah, I guess,” Calum replies with a mutter, still overprotective as he pulled you over and leaned your side against his. His arm was back around your waist as he kissed your temple. “Still can’t help my jealousy though.” 

“Understandable,” Liam replies as he takes Cheryl in his arms as well. “What’s your name, love?”

“Y/N...” you breathed, your eyes completely wide to see Liam in the flesh and as well calling you beautiful. The One Direction boys would be the end of Calum Hood soon. “You’re Liam P-Payne...” Your cheeks flushed pink as the other three laughed at you. 

“Y/N!” A voice suddenly called for you, turning over to see the other side of the tennis table. Michael waved and gave you a wide smile, having you return it.  C’mere!” Calum says goodbye to Liam and Cheryl for the both of you before going to the other side to meet Michael. 

“Crystal!” Calum cheered, letting your hand go before going to the pink-haired girl a hug. Although it might’ve stung your heart a bit from jealousy, it was okay. Calum’s previous speech reassures you all the time, knowing that he very much loves you. Michael decides to go over to you and gives you a warm hug. 

“I just saw you, y’know,” you began, giggling as Michael gave you such a warm embrace. “You’re acting like we haven’t seen you in years.” 

“Calum has taken you ever since he got you,” Michael says, his voice semi-joking. “I’ve missed your constant appearance.” 

“Aw, Mike!” You say sympathetically, pulling back to ruffle Michael’s hair. “You’re adorable, I miss you as well, Mikey. But I’ll be on tour with you guys for most of the time, so I’ll be seeing you practically every day.”

“I know that,” Michael mumbled, looking down at you with this surprising shine in his eyes. His forest green eyes seemed more intense than usual, having you ponder this random intensity. His hands were rested on your shoulders, having you look up at him in this confusing gaze. 

“Hey.” The two of you looked over to see Calum holding Crystal’s arms. “Mind if I can share a dance with your woman, Michael?” 

“I do mind, but because it’s you, I don’t,” Michael says with a chuckle, having Calum roll his eyes as the two walked over to where the other people were dancing. Maps began playing, having you and Michael stand awkwardly as you watched your lovers get close and dance. 

“Well, shall we dance as well then?” Michael suggested, having you shrug before giving him a gentle nod. 

20:09 P.M.

It’s been a few minutes now and several songs have passed. Yellow began to play, the slow melody causing a few people to take a seat while others grabbed their dance partners close. Michael politely kept a distance from you as he held you a little more above your waist so he didn’t seem disrespectful. 

“You know it’s okay to hold my waist, right?” You said with a snort, your hands around Michael’s neck. “We’re childhood friends after all.” 

“I know,” Michael mumbled, his green eyes dimming a bit. “I just prefer it like this.” 

“Okay.” A few seconds pass, and a voice finally starts to sing in the song. The two of you slowly danced in a circle in simple 2-step motions. As you did, Michael seemed a bit bothered, with a tiny sad glimmer hinted in the shines of his eyes. They were directed towards Calum and Crystal, who were a little more closer than the both of you as she rested her head on his shoulder. 

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you

“Do you feel it?” Michael began again, going a little closer to you to speak more at your ear. You picked up your head a bit and looked up at Michael, seeing as his eyes were back to lock onto yours. 

And everything you do... Yeah, they were all yellow

“Feel what?” You asked softly, small shatter happening around you as the peaceful song resumed to play. 

“His love.” Silence emerged in your mind as you looked into Michael’s eyes. He was talking about Calum, wasn’t he? You bit your bottom lip a bit and nodded, giving him that as you answer as Michael nodded in return to take it. “Make sure to remember this feeling as much as possible.” 

“Hm?” You were puzzled, unsure as to what Michael was getting at. 

I came along... I wrote a song for you

“I know that the both of you just hooked up, but it’s obvious that love is at it’s strongest at the beginning for most cases,” Michael said lowly, diverting his eyes down to the floor as he spoke. “So I want you to remember this feeling very well.” 

And all the things you do, and it was called yellow

“Why are you telling me this?” You asked softly. You weren’t angry or upset with him. Genuine curiosity sprouted in your mind while in this conversation with the bleach-haired boy. The music continues as the conversation stood still between the both of you. 

“So that when there ever comes a time when you think you don’t feel it,” Michael began, raising his eyes once more to introduce you to that small hint touch of sadness. “Remind yourself of that feeling so you understand the difference of being loved properly and not.” You looked into Michael’s eyes, his sadness wiped away with genuine care. 

Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones

Turn into something beautiful 

You know, you know I love you so

“Thank you, Mikey,” you said softly, getting a genuine smile from Michael’s lips. You went up and gave him a tight hug, feeling his arms wrap around you in return to create the embrace. His hand safey placed itself in your head, weaving into your hair slightly. It felt warm and safe, knowing how much Michael cared about you. No matter what happens, you’d know that Michael would be there, ready with his arms open and his warm smile welcoming. 

You know I love you so...

“Hurry up and finish your damn bottle, Harry!” Liam demanded as Harry began chugging his Murphy’s bottle. You all cheered him on as he had a bit of beer streaming down the curve of his lips and down to his chin. It began dripping down to the carpet, having you all laugh as he lets out a loud burp. 

“You’re fucking disgustin’ mate!” Niall yelled as he playfully waved the air in front of him. You with the entirety of 5SOS and 1D were sat in a circle with Cheryl and a few more party goers. Everyone wanted to play a bit of Truth or Dare, hence initiating this. 

“At least he emptied it, yeah?” Louis joked, everybody laughing again as he nudged Niall. Harry wiped the streaming beer away as he rubbed his hands together in preparation for the game. As Liam announced the rules, Calum pulled you over between his legs, forcing you to pull your legs together from this new seating arrangement. Thankfully, you had shorts on so it was much easier to do so. Calum’s arms wrapped around your belly as he held you close, feeling his torso from your back. 

“Alright, who wants to be the lucky bastard to go first?” Liam announces, having Luke wave his hand like a little kid in class trying to participate. “Alright Hemmings, here.” Liam places the bottle in the middle of everybody, having Luke stretch out from his comfortable seating as he spun the bottle. It landed on Niall. 

“Oh, the lucky host gets the first go!” Calum cheered happily, having you giggle from his immense excitement. Niall’s eyes go a bit wide before laughing while looking at Luke. 

“I dare you to chug these 3 cans of beers here in under 2 minutes,” Luke says as he glanced over at the beers behind him. He tosses them to Niall, who gladly takes them as Louis takes out his pocket knife to make a hole in the first one. 

“Let’s go, Niall!” Harry screamed, initiating the start of the dare as Niall begins to down the can. It was so hyper and explosive, the energy of the game. Calum was as well into it, but couldn’t help peck a few kisses against your neck. He’d rub his fingertips against the spine of your back, seeing the way you contort your body slightly from the light, but strong motion. 

In the end, Niall drank those beers in a minute and 42 seconds. 

Everybody continued the game, all the fun in it as they did ridiculous dares. From Cheryl kissing another girl to Ashton giving a bad lap dance to Louis. You loved the atmosphere, even while Calum kept passing dares for you that involved doing things with other people that wasn’t him. 

“Calum, it’s you,” a girl beside him announces as Calum looks past you to see the bottle pointed at his foot. He shrugs and let’s out a ‘can’t be helped’ as he looked over at who spun it. It was Harry, of course. 

“Truth or dare, loser,” Harry asked, having Calum stick his tongue out at him as he thought for a good moment. 

“How about truth?” Calum said, almost suggestively, as he held you tight. Everybody else groaned a bit, as they didn’t enjoy truths. They were typically boring at most parties. 

“Hmm...” Harry thought, tapping at his chin as he stared up at the ceiling. But then his green eyes darted back down to you and his lips suddenly formed into a smirk. “Tell us your real feelings about Y/N. And be honest.”

A frenzy of ‘ooo’s began as all the girls stared at Calum eagerly. Even the boys seemed interested in what Calum has to say. You blushed, looking behind at Calum as he studied your face closely. He held a stern face, but his lips slowly curved into a soft smile before turning back to the circle. 

“My real feelings?” Calum repeated. “I’d have to say that I adore her with every single atom of my body. If you’re asking for my real feelings, that’s the only real response I can give you. Nobody here would ever get to understand my feelings for her with mere words. Not even lyrics to songs dedicated to her could do justice over my love for her. I wish I could tell you guys, though. But let’s just say that my love for her is unconditional, unreasonable, and inexplicable.” With that, Calum finishes by placing a cheek against the back of your neck.

Silence stilled in the circle before Ashton chirped in. 

“Well shit,” Ashton began, staring at the both of you with a heavy gaze. “Fuck me, I’m glad my cousin isn’t dating so much of a dickhead.” 

“Pardon you!” Calum spat as he wrapped his arms around you tightly while everybody else laughed. Everyone continued the game fine, but as for yourself, you were too busy thinking about Calum’s words. They meant so much to you that you were in disbelief that you could even breathe. He always knew how to make you breathless, and these were the kinds of moments where you couldn’t even imagine how he was even yours in the first place. 

22:15 P.M.

It was barely late, but the night was not as young as it once was. The game of Truth or Dare lasted a little under 2 hours, exhausting everybody from the new facts everybody learned about one another. But Calum decided that being in the house too long was choking. So he led the both of you outside to the pool, which was practically vacant. Few couples were there as well, sharing either sentimental conversations or heated kisses. 

“Are you having a good time, love?” Calum asked softly into your ear as he kissed your cheek. You nod, swishing your feet slowly in the pool as Calum grabbed your waist and pulled you closer. He places your legs over his sloppily, the tips of your toes now touching the water. 

“Yeah, it’s been really nice,” you respond softly, leaning your head against Calum’s shoulder as he rubs your shoulder. “Everybody was so nice and accepting of me, it was so wild. Especially One Direction, that was a roller coaster on my heart.” 

“Same here,” Calum said with a low chuckle. “Although I really wanted you to meet them, I was very jealous when they complimented you so much.” 

“There’s no need to be,” you tried reassuring Calum, rubbing his knee a bit with your hand. “I’m only set on you.” 

“I know that, baby,” Calum responded softly, planting a soft kiss on the top of your head. “And I’m glad everybody acknowledges how gorgeous you are, because you are. I just get a little insecure.” You give his shoulder a kiss before leaning on it once more. 

“I’m all yours, Calum, I promise.” 

The both of you allowed silence to swallow the conversation, having you appreciating one another’s company. Calum then stops leaning with his other arm and sits up a bit. He takes you into both of his arms to give you a real hug. One warm and full of love. He rubs your arm slowly, admiring the smoothness of it with his calloused hand.

“I love you, Y/N,” Calum whispers on your head. You felt those plump lips against your scalp, feeling him give you another light squeeze. “I love you so, so much.” At that moment, you felt all sorts of elated and excited. Not only because of how he loved you, but how he was going to show you it as the two of you develop your new relationship. 

You felt the sparkle strongly there as your eyes noticed a large star in the sky. In that vast universe, there were little freckles of stars on them without knowing where they’ve come from. But here was this large star, shining much brighter than the rest as it looked down at the both of you. 

It looked a little more yellow than just a simple white dot. 

You felt Calum rest his head against yours, his breathing a little heavier than just a moment ago. He was likely taking himself a small nap, with his arms still tightly around you. A few quiet snores escaped his nose as your pairs of feet floated on the chlorinated water. Giving focus to that star once more, you smile and close your eyes as well. 

I can feel it, Michael. I feel properly loved by him, I promise. 

ahhh this was so long wth ! im so sry that it ended up so long, but i lost a bit of control aha. please do tell me whatcha think right over here. thank you all for the support, it is insanely amazing and i love it so much. i might not be able to write as frequently now due to class, but i will continue writing. for ya’ll xx

#Calum Hood #Calum Hood 5sos #Calum Hood 5 seconds of summer #Calum Hood imagine #Calum Hood fluff #Calum Hood smut #Calum Hood series #Calum Hood love #Calum #Calum 5sos #Calum 5 sauce #Calum 5 seconds of summer #Calum series #Calum fluff #Calum imagine #Calum smut #Calum cute #Calum writing #5sos #5sauce #5 seconds of summer #5sos imagine #5sos imagines #5sos fluff #5sos smut #5sos series #Luke Hemmings #Calum Hood jealous #Ashton Irwin #Michael Clifford

[askpet-archive]

PET MHA 1

Ari is sitting in the main big room, holding a pencil, hands twitching as she wrote quietly on the paper, she knew a new intake was coming today, she wanted to give them a warm welcome.

Era was doodling in a corner of the room, trying not to get it onto the walls. She stared, focused on the disturbing doodles. She was trying something new, 'draw the hallucinations you see.' Kind of like, something to help grasp onto what was real and what wasn't. She glanced up again for what might of been the 5000th time, staring at everyone else in the room

Ari slid out of her seat, walking over to Era and sitting next to her "what are you making?" She asked, smiling softly, messing with a tiny rock in her hand. She had smuggled it inside last time they were allowed to the backyard

Era stares at Ari, fidgeting in her place, before holding up her picture. It's some.. type of bird? Deformed bird? 'This is birdie.' is scrawled on the paper as well Ari smiled "are they nice?"

Era nods her head, murmuring a "yes."

Ari heard the door opened, Ami came in "Ari, Era dears, do you want to meet the new intake?" Ari jumped, ready to g o

Era decided not socializing wouldn't help anything, despite feeling uncomfortable at the thought of meeting others. She stood up with Ari as well, clutching her paper. She wonders what the new people will be like

Ari couldnt touch Era due to rules, but she hovered her hand near Eras waist, ready to pull her close if neccsary. The nurse led them out into the hall, in the hall were two boys, Vince and CM

CM leaned against the hall wall, listening to Vincent while he crossed his arms, "And so the general told me to go into the bunker-" CM interrupted, "And then you found the others fortified without you. I know, you told me the story millions of times." He grunted, Vincent sighed and combed his hand through his hair.

Ari waved at this guy, smiling "bonjour! Im Arianna!" She exclaimed "this is my best friend Era!"

Era waves at the two of them, giving a blank stare. She continues to hold her paper with her right hand

Vincent looked hopeful, "More survivors! Oh I'm so glad that the carrier was able to load in more units, I thought Colonel and I were the last batch making it to the hospital!" He said in glee, CM fixing his bandages on the left side of his face.

Ari played along, nodding "yep! I was terrified when shhhhstuf went down, i got Era and Spop out as fast as possible though"

Vincent waved over to CM, "Come Colonel! Do you recognize any of these soldiers? Were these any of yours?" CM sighed and got up from the wall and slouched over, staring at them, "Ah yes... they are..." He looked at their nametags, "Ari and Era... None of mine though." CM played along.

Era blinks, frowning. Soldiers? Survivors? Oh no, had the apocalypse started yet and she wasn't informed? That would be bad, really. What kind of apocalypse would it be? Maybe aliens finally invaded. That would prove everyone she was right about them. She's just staring off into nothing now, lost in thought, forgetting that other people were in the room

CM snapped his fingers, "Hey. Hey." He bent over closer, "There's nothing going on. I'm acting." He whispered, smiling and putting his index finger over his mouth, "Shh..."

Ari softly pinched Eras hand, wake up. "Oh, you guys arent in uniform yet, ill show you too it. Leader Amanda says its good for everyone to be in regular clothing, leaves our bodies light enough to train"

Era blinks, going out of her thoughts once the two of them got her out of it. Oh, okay. Aliens would invade someday, though. She was really sure of that. Oh, wait, did she need to say something? Maybe not.. she didn't have anything to say.. is that a bad thing? Ari's talking to them now, okay, she doesn't need to anymore

CM got up from his leaning position, directing his question to Ari, "So, what's wrong with you guys? I might as well ask to make sure anyone pulls a knife on us. Luckily I made myself a bodyguard, he gets annoying but he's alright."

Ari snickered "i wont hurt anyone. I just...see...things..." she trailed off, looking behind him "era is.. kind of...she just hallucinates i think.." "Schizophrenic." Era mutters, just loud enough for him to hear

He nodded, "Hallucinations are very popular in here, myself... I have DID. I might as well not say their names or they might want to meet you." He pointed over towards Vincent, "That guy has PTSD, he thinks he's in WW2.  A real interesting guy."

Aris eyes widened "poor guy! Maybe he had a past life" she heard the DID statement, she looked at CM "id love to meet them. Ive met people with it before, its interesting"

CM glared at her, not menacingly, just curious. "You want to meet them? Well, one of them wont be able to come out because my camera is upstairs... I guess I could have Actor come out..." He muttered as he said Actor's name. He stepped back and took a breath, bowing and starting to say, "Act I... Prolouge... From ancient grudge break to new mutiny..." He began with a dull tone. CM suddenly paused mid sentence and put on a glorious expression as if he was on a spotlight, "Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean. From forth the fatal loins of these two foes. A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life; Whole misadventured piteous overthrows!" He cheered, boastfully ending his talk, bending over and shaking both Era and Ari's hands.

Era jerks her hand away almost immediately, stepping back a bit. Wait, oh no, was that rude? Oh no, she didn't mean to be rude, she just didn't want them to touch her, oh no. "Sorry-" She would of said more, explaining why she did it, but decided after one word that she didn't want to talk anymore and just stood next to Ari rather awkwardly

Ari jolted a bit. H i. "Oh, hi." She chuckled, shaking his hand "touch isnt allowed here just so you know..you said your name was Actor?" She smiled "Arianna, pleasure to meet you"

Actor bowed and apologized, "My mistake, M'Lady and Ser. Alot of people here are shy audiences... Only Vincent really enjoys my company..." He started to get down, then put on a happy smile again, "I'll take my intermission." Actor blinked, CM coming back again."He didnt touch you guys right? I swear if he did again..."

Ari laughed "its ok! I love contact, he can touch me, hand poke, hug, anythin. I dont care, Era doesnt like it though"

CM facepalmed, and heaved, "Can this guy remember the rules or what..."CM stepped back away and signaled Vincent with a snap, "Alright Vincent. Let's go. I better get back and find some new plastic cups, they always forget to give me some after room service." Vincent stood in attention and nodded his head, walking down the hall as CM walked behind him.

Spop was sitting in the common room. In her arms was a pig plushie that she clutched tightly, quietly muttering to it.

Ari decided now was a good time to- oh. Wait whats that. She starts following something only she can see, down the boy bedroom hall

Era blinks, now standing in the empty room. Uh. Okay. She looks around, before just, sitting down and going back to her drawing

-----

CM drunk from a plastic cup, surveying a dead outside with nothing but dark gloomy trees and muddy grass. Vincent sat down next to Spop, "Hello! How's Klondike? Did the nurse patch him up?"

Spop looked up at Vincent and her eyes sparkled. "Mhm! He is all better now!"Vincent's face lit up, "That's superb!" CM looked down at the two of them , "Vincent, did the nurse tell you anything about when your leaving?" He asked, Vincent shrugged, "She told me that I wont be out of care for another few years. You?"CM sighed, "I havent heard much..."

"The nurse says that I cant leave as long as I talk to Klondike"

"Actor may know, but he rarely wants to speak to me. Cammy just... changes the subject over to if I cleaned the lenses off my camera or not."

Spop tilted her head and her eyes lit up more when Actor was mentioned. Spop likes Actor

Ari walked into the room, she looked upset. "Hey guys" she muttered, "...did you guys know we're all broken and insane and nothing we think we see can be actually real and the only reason we're like this is because we're weaker then the rest of the population?"

CM looked up quickly, getting up and signaled her to zip her mouth. "I swear if you... yknow- I'll actually have Actor perform a death act. Those two cant handle something like that! And for a fact, Im stronger than alot of healthy people." Vincent looked up at CM, his eyes fearful, "That's not... true. Right General? Atleast for me? I'm a healthy guy... right?" He glared over at Ari in an intense stare, "What made you think..."

Ari looked..completely out of it. Her eyes were glazed over, mouth stuck in a tiny frown, she had probably just had her meds "nope! You arent healthy! No one here is!"she laughed

CM couldnt make out a reply, his heart felt shattered, "I-I'm healthy... just not mentally. I believe... the nurses wont tell me anything about my condition..." He looked over towards Vincent who looked petrified, CM quickly stepped over towards him, "Vincent. Go to your quarters. You are ordered to forget about this conversation. Take the pills the nurse put on your drawer"Vincent got up and gloomly shuffled his way out of the room, nervously holding onto himself. CM swiftly turned heel and walked back towards Ari, "Why."

Ari shook her head and laughed again "merly told me! He also told me that no one here actually exsists, im all alone in the solitude room, or dead" she looked puzzled for a second "im probably dead"

"Ari, think about it. Would you be able to feel this if you were dead." CM held one of Ari's hands, knowing it could land him in solitude. He took a deep breath, "If you still think you're dead, know this. Atleast you have people to talk to. Death would be pure darkness. If no one existed... well... you wouldnt be able to smell the roses and fresh cut grass in the gardens."

Ari froze when he grabbed her hand, her eyes kind of, unglazing, she looked confused, before she realized "oh..god, i, oh jeez- my meds always do that, its a side effect.." she panicked a bit, looking around..no nurses were nearby, she hugged CM in thanks, before quickly pulling back "did-did i say something bad? I didnt upset anyone did i..?"

CM looked at were Vincent left the room, "Vincent may have heard your little rampage. I told him to go upstairs and take those memory pills the nurse gave him. Just to make sure he's alright, I think we should see him." He spoke, still in his mind of how heartwarming it was to recieve a hug. Actor was shouting in his head about how CM could break the rules and he couldnt

Ari starts running to go find Vincent, probably peeking into his room "Vincey..?"

Ami the nurse walked into the common room, glaring at CM "..i saw that. Dont let it happen again. There are attachment boundaries here Cam. No touching"she growled

CM let out a small groan, rolling his eyes as she left the room. He trailed behind Ari.Vincent was laying down on his bed, hands folded together and his eyes looking up at the ceiling. He heard his nickname, turning his head towards the door and surprised to see Ari. "Oh! Ari! Hey, what's up..." The glass of water next to him was empty and the pill bottle was open.

Ari decided not to mention it, instead putting on a smile "oh, nothing. Just checking on you. CM said you came up here. I wanted tp see if we could hang out!" She goes into his room and sits on the side of his bed, casually taking the pill bottle and reading what it does

He sat up in the bed, he gladly accepted the invitation. "That'll be great! What time is it? Wow, 4:36? I thought the clock was 12:23 when I looked at it a little bit ago." CM came in and sighed in relief, pulling up a chair towards the bed and sat with the others.

The pill bottle had information about erasing memory from 5-4 hours earlier after taking the pill.

Ari stared at it, before cracking a smile, slipping a pill up her sleeve and into a tiny pocket she had bitten into the fluff, before putting the pill bottle down Ari  smiled softly, ruffling her friends hair "you mustve fallen asleep. Do you wanna talk about strategies orr, can me or CM tell a story?"

He nodded his head, "I'd love to hear your guys' stories for once!" CM looking at the clock and knew they werent supposed to be here at this time...

Ari nodded and clapped her hands together, about to start, before she seemed to see something, her body freezing up.

CM noticed her freezing up, glancing up at her and tried to see whatever she's seeing. He looked back at her and gave her hand a quick tap, and whispered, "Psst."

Vincent looked behind himself, "Ari?"

Ari pulled back when he touched her. Whatever shes seeing, it aint good. Shes shaking.

CM fully turned to her, "Hey. Remember what therapy told you. Generalize the situation. Calm down. And tell me what you see."

Ari didnt answer, shes starting to cry

"I- they-" she looked at CM and forced back a scream, skittering backward "CM..? Are you-" hes bleeding oh my god..

---

Spop walked over to Era and put her chin on the couch next to Era. She stared at the drawing before smiling. "It looks pretty"

Era gives a ghost of a smile, nodding a "thanks." to Spop

Spop giggled

She pauses in the drawing for a moment, glancing up, before adding something to it "how are you.." It seemed more like a statement then a question, but oh well

"I'm good. you?"

"mmm.." Era looks up again, focusing on something, before replying "fine."

Spop sighed and walked off to find someone else to talk to. It was clear Era had other things to do. Not like Era trusted her

Era brings her gaze over to Spop, staring as she started to walk off, "wait-" Oh, no, well what does she say now. She really did want to talk more, the silence was beginning to become suffocating  "uhm. hows klondike?" Okay, tack on that

Spop turned around and looked at Era. "Klondike doing well. The lady in green came and fixed him right up!"

"oh, that's good. the nurses are always really nice, right?"

"Uh huh, though rumor has it" She leaned in close to Era "One of em isn't a human"

Era's eyes widen "oh! i bet it's the one with the messy bun, right? she always acted weird, weird, weird.. secretive!"

"I bet it's the one who runs this place. The black man"

Era thinks for a moment "that seems like it'd be true, too. there's a lot of evidence for it.. i haven't seen much people notice though.."

Speaking of the 'blonde man' Charles walks into the room "hello girls!" He smiled "im sorry ive been on the adult side all day, was group today enjoyable?"

Spop looked at Charles and squinted her eyes. "It was"

Era looks over at him, her face going back to being a blank stare "i think it was nice."

He nodded "perfect! Anywho, its about 5 minutes from dinnertime, you hungry?"

Era nods, slightly eager. Food was always nice, especially when she wanted to be distracted

Spop nodded and ran off to get Klondike

Charles clapped his hands together, going to go find the other three patients

---

CM holds her name, shaking it slightly. "Hey. Come back to us. Ari. Snap out of it. We're here!" Vincent sat there, quiet. He doesnt know what to do. He looks hopelessly towards CM.

Ari blinked a few times, it wasnt going away "CM.." she whined, grabbing his arm. This was normal uh

CM heard footsteps coming towards their room, he doesnt know wether he should force Ari's grip off of him or just accept punishment.

Charles looked in the room, a confused look on his face when he looked in "..what is going on in here?!" He exclaimed, too late now

Ari doesnt really realize, girl is just cryin dont mind her

CM yelped at the sight of him at the door, freezing. Vincent saw the man and closed his mouth,  'Umm.. he um. Ari- er."

Charles went over and pulled CMs arm away from Ari, proceeding to carefully inject something into the frozen girls arm, before turning back to CM "three touches. In one day, CM, give me one reason i shouldnt put you on watch."

"They were all for good reasons. I swear. Please dont put me in solitude." He winced at the word of him having three touches in ONE day. Getting up quickly and kept out of the proximity of the other two.

Charles sighed, idiot boy. He looked  at  Vincent "go head to dinner with the others, Ari will join you later, you too cm."

Vincent got up from the bed, CM motioned him to speed up. They both left the room, quiet muttering fell behind them.

#Mental Hospital AU #side story

[inheritor-rebellious]

Unloading weight

I'm slowly growing towards my breaking point. I hate talking about matters like this, but it matters now because I don't give a fuck at the moment. At times, I don't mind being the good guy and that's a good thing. It's always good to do the right thing. Sometimes they're even right wrongs as they are wrong rights. After these past few months, it's been making me believe I don't want to be the good guy anymore........ I don't want to be nice. I don't want to be causal. I don't want to feel concern, bothered, show sympathy, be merciful, I don't want to be someone's escape or outlet anymore because I DO NOT CARE. Ok? (I am in the heat of the moment, so to those who read this who know me personally, please don't target yourselves from own current misery.) I'm just like shit. Everything's going fine for everyone else, yet I'm still trying to swim through this ocean of everybody else's perils. The fucked up thing about it is that I don't have a problem, but the problems of those around create those problems and those problems grip grab stab attack decimate and just rip me apart, even though, I'm minding my own fuckin business and I'm doing what I see to be right as well as always doing the right thing, but it's never enough and I don't understand. What does it take? Does it really take me out of the picture just to have some moment of happiness or are their hidden emotions? What do they really feel about me that I don't know? What is wrong with me that I have a problem that I'm oblivious to? Is what I do not good enough? Do my words really mean nothing and just based off the present moment of they view me, I will never matter meet some imaginary standards do the right thing just follow the rules listen somehow I'm wrong though out this situation or situations despite that I'm the victim that no one shows empathy or empathizes with. It's always ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME MY PROBLEMS ARE MORE SERIOUS THEN YOURS GROW UP THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU YOU NEED TO SEE YOUR THERAPIST IM SICK OF YOU YOUR PROBLEMS ARENT AS IMPORTANT AS MINE YOU NEED TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER GET A LIFE A GF GET A JOB WHY DONT YOU PAY FOR ANYTHING WHATS WRONG WITH YOU. Ok. Oooooooooooooooooook. I always question myself with how I just deal with these things, how I put it with it, how I don't off the deep end and just let off everything inside of me. So it's wrong of me not to pay for anything but I must keep giving more and more and more until I have no more and that's the right thing????? Is that really how people are about things like this even family? All of you, people, associates, friends, family, loved ones, you are all SELFISH. Just pure emotion, no logic or even type of understanding. It just makes me want to you know what? Don't even worry about it.......... I just wanted simple shit out of this year that was going good for me: a job longer then 2 months. An apartment and a car. Working on my dream like I always do and care. Especially what I think about all the time, I just want to fall in love. There. That's it. I could less if I was famous and well appreciated, but I wish I was that well appreciated right now but I'm not and never had been. It's like people never tell me these things like I've done a good job I love you you did good I'm proud of you you mean so much to me you are wonderful, I NEVER RECEIVE THESE THINGS AND THESE ARE JUST MERE WORDS THAT I HAVE BEEN FOR FOR YEARS NOW AND EVEN RIGHT NOW. I do soooooooooooooooooo much for the ones I love and it never gets what it deserves. Hell, I hardly receive rewards nor am I congratulated. I'm surprised I haven't gotten an award for not being acknowledged at all or known about this subject to other people. I will never stop loving who I love. I want and wish for great things to happen to them and even everyone I never even fuckin met right now. I always wish I had someone to check in on me, see how I'm doing, actually show the regard and feelings and the consideration instead of their selfish needs or can I have money can you do this why don't pay for this you need to start eating more. I just want to be loved. I want to date. I want to fuck. I want to have a big family with no regrets and just an honest dream fulfilled future just to make up for the things I don't have right now when I really needed now or growing up. That's what more important to me then being famous. I'm not greedy. Money ain't shit to me but I will never trade friends family or the one I love for anything else. That's the grandest treasure and my life changed 7 years ago. Even if I don't have the current person I'm talking to right now, I can accept it as it is and not a loss because the thought alone is but a beautiful life if we were together or not. It just wasn't meant to be. It's crazy because I'm taking my old love about my new love. I can't wait for the days when I hear I love you shon. I can't fuckin wait. I go through so so so so much bullshit with everyone and everything and I complain bitch moan groan die but I never quit on shit or people. I can't wait until I mean that much to someone. I can't wait until I hear and feel those words for real and it's not just hollow. I always lose but you lose something to gain something. But that day will end I can actually put a stop to it by my own terms and I will never doubt how I will do these things because I know my flaws. I know when I'm wrong, I know I'm an idiot, I know I'm probably a lot of things that you hate love resent pity empathic just can't believe it can you? Mom I love you but you can be the worlds number 1 bitch that really makes me want to flip the world or apartment upside down. I love you but if you cross lines that I wouldn't I will start fires that Travis couldn't stop. Dad you will always be grade one supreme lord man whore of all dumbass whack stupid motherfuckers dads on this fuckin planet. Tyrae always breaks boundaries and the laws of physics but you take the cake because you were before you fuckin dumbass. I honestly love my parents enough to say this crazy shit. You only love someone so much to the point where you want to kill them but you know it's real and you're not really out for blood. To my old best friend Byron. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BROTHERS WE'RE SUPPOSED TO FRIENDS NOT ENEMIES WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO US TO YOU TO ME THIS IS NOT THE PERSON THE MAN THE FRIEND THE BROTHER THAT I MET WHO CHANED MY FUCKIN LIFE 7 YEARS AGO DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT MAKE ME REGRET THAT SHIT I LIVE A LIFE WITH NO FUCKIN REGRETS NOW AND IVE BEEN ON A FUCKIN ROLL DESPITE ALL THE BULLSHIT THATS STILL BEING THROWN OUT AT ME EVEN THE SHIT YOU THREW YOU FUCKIN IDIOT YOU DUMBASS WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THAT SHIT TO ROB YOUR ACTUAL BROTHER YOUR OWN MOTHER AND THE REST OF YOUR FAMILY WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO ABANDON WHAT YOU USED TO BELIEVE IN HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO US TO TRAVIS TO ME YOUR SISTER MORE IMPORTANTLY YOUR BROTHER DO THESE WORDS SOUND VIOLENT OR LIKE FIGHTING WORDS TO YOU DO YOU REALLY THINK I WANT TO HURT YOU OR ANYTHING THAT YOU THOUGHT OF I ONLY WANT ONE THING AND THATS MY BEST FRIEND BACK BUT THATS TOO MUCH ITS ALWAYS TOO MUCH WHEN I ASKED FOR SHIT. Rose I love you but I can hold on until the year is over and after that, I will make the journey to see who else is like you or someone more otherworldly. I can't go any further with these feelings because there isn't much to feel anymore and we both only know half the battle. When we talk, it's like we're already married and we're trying to fix things but I only sound much more insane because I only dream and think of these nice things together when in reality we're our own people and we know who we are. But it's time you finish what you started. I hate being angry. Sometimes by my expression I can't tell if I'm positive but I know I'm friendly honest cheerful and happy with myself because throughout all that I've written out just now you know I went and I'm going through a lot just to be like this and this calm. If I shatter if I break if I fall I will put myself back together build myself kill myself to be different then what I was before. (Not literally kill myself but figuratively.) "sighs" If anyone reads this, all I have to say is thank you for understanding or I gave you a show I hope you enjoyed it.