#im just being emo and sad

[to-dance-beneath-the-diamond-sky]

I know it’s international asexuality day and we’re supposed to be proud of being ace and all. But idk. That’s hard when I really really hate that I’m ace. Being a cisgender heteroromantic sex-repulsed ace is not exactly a fun or positive experience for me. It is just me feeling lonely and defective and wrong all the fucking time. Like that’s genuinely great for all the aces and aro people out there who love it and can take pride in it. You’re valid and you’re not broken and I’m happy for you that you can embrace and celebrate this part of your identity, I genuinely am. But for me personally, I would give just about anything to not be ace, I hate it so much. Being ace has never not once done a single good for me.

#I’m sorry #but I just want to be normal #Yeah yeah yeah I know internalized acephobia and all that #but idk #being ace has genuinely never resulted in a single good thing for me #very very hard not to hate it when it only ever makes life more difficult for you #idk maybe it’s just that it combines with my other trauma and shit but like #I still hate it and would give almost anything to not be this way #I want to be lovable #I want to be able to be in a normal healthy romantic relationship #instead of being terrified of them and sabotaging everything because the person will want to have sex #And the thought of having sex with anyone is literally panic inducing #Anyways #please ignore me #im just being emo and sad #Because I have such an intense crush on someone right now #And I can’t pursue it because I’m ace and he’d want things from me and I’m just. I just can’t #I can’t even talk about being ace to people because no one gets it and it makes me soo uncomfortable to have to talk about it or explain it #so yeah he’s so nice and I really really really like him. But like every other of the few times I’ve been romantically attracted to someone #I’m not gonna act on it because I’m fucking ace and I’m gonna be alone my whole fucking life #Because no one would ever want to be with me given the way I am #God #sorry please just ignore me #Personal

[chryblossomjjk]

ot7 enlistment reality is starting to sink in

#im so sad like #what the fuck do you mean two years without them #we’ll have our jinnie back soon tho 🥹 #that scene in twilight where this bitch just looks out the window for five months bc her emo boyfie left #is literally going to be me like #what am i (adhder) to do without my hyperfixation ?? #and highkey worry about their mental health a lot #especially joon and jungkook #bc i feel like since hiatus they’ve been v concerning on live yk? #like being really sad #talking about feeling lonely and whatnot #sigh #i just want them to be happy #im going to miss them a lot #IM SO SAD RN

[llumimoon]

literally still thinking abt the liveshow. like that will be burned into my memory but also im SO SAD bc i think bc of technical difficulties this show isn't actually being uploaded to the paetron BUT IT WAS GENUINELY SO FUCKING GOOD. Like the dads as teens interacting with the s2 teens ??????? the dads as babies ???????? GENUINELY? I WISH I COULD BEAM MY MEMORY OF THIS SHOW INTO ALL UR BRAINS i need more ppl to know of its existence so i can scream about it. Also never fucking recovering from emo teenager henry actually

#dndads #cal rambles #like there was genuinely so much #so much stuff that I KNOW the tumblr part of the fandom would absolutely lose their shit over #IM SO SAD THAT IM NOT GONNA SEE THAT HAPPEN #WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY BEINF SO ECTASTIC THAT I GOT TO WITNESS IT #normal stabbed tilt in the heart with an arrow btw she kept trying to call his bluff and he got increasingly more unhinged #I CANT EVEN DESCRIBE EVERYTING THAT HAPPENED ACTUALLY SORRY IM JUSY STILL REALING FROM NORM STILL BEING SO MISERABLE AND UNHINGED #DESPITE THIS BEING PRE-S2 CANON #anyways genuinely if anyone has ANY QUESTIONS AT ALL abt it I WILL ANSWER!!!!!!!!! #rolling on ghe fucking ground i cant cover everything #not over glenn telling taylor he's perfect just the way he is ans to never change #not over henry telling normal to be his best self and GIVING NORMAL THE PG FIRST DRAWING OF TEENIE THEREBY INSPIRING NORMAL TO BE TEENIE #not over Scary instantly having a crush on emo teen Henry #not over Link saying PEACE OUT FUCKERS and leaving them all behind in what is essentially dimensional prison #not over the teenage Henry writing poetry abt Daryl and wanting to ask him out #TBH I HAVENT TALKED MUCH ABT IT BUT THE FIRST HALF WHERE THEY WERE BABIES? THAT WAS FUCKING TOP NOTCH TOO #anyways. i need to calm down and go the fuck to sleep

[boxwinebaddie]

omg, so re: a sad sweet anon in my box who was worried that i divorced the boys forever; they're FINE, baby!!!! i promise </3333 it was just a really bad, fucked up month and they're Fine after that (unless i create some other problems, but for now i will spare you)

BUT THEY ARE FINE, MY LOVE!!! SWEARSIES!!!!

i promise you that that on the night jerseykyle gets in that nasty bar fight defending ravenstan's honor (in his absence) against a band of idiot incel transphobes and shows up on their old apartment door step all broken and bloodied before he gets reluctantly tended to and patched up by punk rock nurse ravenstan via several hello kitty bandids...at the end of that exchange, they get back together. c':

kyle also says i love you. <3333

it's kind of a lot for me to speed run entire scenes because they take so long, but just for you, petal, i'm gonna try and get you the sparknotes on the ravesey reunion asap. and please know that as emotional compensation, in lieu of the jersey can't say i love you ask that i was never able to finish/threw into other answers...

i will instead be writing you...

the jersey CAN say i love you ask!!!!! eeee!!!

it's very cute; i'm excited about it.

tldr; ravesey is fine, i'm sorry for scaring you. :'c i promise!!!! i am a hurt comfort writer even though no one believes me!!!! i'm just so much better at the hurt part than the comfort, but i'll comfort you!!

so please hold darlings, and rest easy knowing that.

-mean nasty evil sea witch neen

#nina speaks #oh my god i promise i didnt permanently break them up #i kno its hard to tell bc of all the hurt but IF I HURT THE BOYS ILLL ALWAYS FIX THEM THERES ALWAYS A HAPPY ENDING #like i will never leave them broken or sad or miserable #i know i ended pep like that bc i couldnt finish writing it but it ends very happy and the boys start dating i promise #i am going to start spoiling it to you via voice message soon #i'm sorry for hurting them so often i just like...i am not good at fluff im a crazy dramatic bisexual girlie its too mundane for me #i need action and drama and hell like thats where i like to live which i'm so sorry if yall are sick to death of me #its just the most fun for me to write im sorry ill fix em #also ravenstans hair post them back together is pink bc the red slowly starts washing out and he looks SOOOO CUTE #I LOVE YOU PINK HAIR RAVEN LITERALLY SO CUTE JERSEY CALLED HIM PEPTO ABYSMAL BUT #HES BEING A HATER HE THINKS ITS CUTE #kuromi emo boy king #but guys guys guys i would never leave the boys broken i would neve rleave you with no hope never ever EVER #there is always a light at the end of the tunnel for as much as you hurt i will always heal you im sorry ily ily ily #i got asked to post the drama post makeout mv fight dialogue but i dont want to stress yall out anymore so ill wait #idk why this genuinely created concern for me but i want yall to know that i am like not torturing the boys endlessly and write hurt/comfor #its just hard to task manage all my asks and...anyways ill try to answer some nice asks so we can breathe easy

[friesian]

the world makes wonderful and beautiful kind people to be friends with that accept you and make you feel appreciated and comfortable. and then there's the fucking distance. it's always the distance.

#ly talks #sorry im being emo. i had a great time hanging out and now im so so sad it's already over. #im SO happy it happened. i just wish it could've been longer :( #i wish i could hang out whenever in person URRGHHHHHHHHHHH

[funsize-cenobites]

Small thing I've noticed in my Freelancer arc rewatch that I'm sure someone- maybe many people- has already brought up. I'm not sure if it was intentional or just down to Shannon's performance but I kinda love it regardless-

In the moments when Wash has had enough and snaps at someone. When his voice raises and he's impressing on them just how stupid something they said sounded or how idiotic they're acting. In the brief moments before he wrangles himself back into control and masks the stronger emotions:

His anger and annoyance really really seem to mirror Church's.

And this is why I can't be sure whether or not it was intentional. Outbursts like this are already a staple of RvB's comedy and each character has their moments like this. However while rewatching Reconstruction and hearing both Washington and Church in tandem, I can't not notice it. It feels like a very subtle not subtle nod to their connection. One you only really recognize after having the context.

The pitch and way their voices crack- even the flash fire immediacy of it- when they snap just feels so eerily same-ish.

But at the same time, with Washington a lot of these moments feel almost like an intrusion. As if he genuinely hates that it happens. Its always immediate, like Church's outbursts of impotent rage, brief, and he tries to cut it off as quick as it comes. He always seems to try and return to monotones pretty quickly.

It doesn't feel out of place persay- we see Washington in later seasons pre-Epsilon and he's plenty capable of getting upset and yelling, but it doesn't feel... the same. I could be misremembering how Shannon and the writers characterized him during PFL but at least in rewatching now and knowing all the little eccentricities abd details they wrote into the show back then, post-Epsilon Wash's moments of frustrated anger feel like a bleed. It feels like that aspect of Epsilon- probably one of the strongest Wash felt aside from pain and fear- has been hard to shake.

Which is where I go more into speculative territory?

Because with all we know from the end of Reconstruction: Wash suffered most of the trauma from Epsilon in silence so the Councilor and Director wouldn't know.

While he clearly had some kind of initial break from reality- likely a fairly awful catatonic state with bursts of semi-lucidity and confusion- Wash managed to keep at least some semblance of his shit together. I assume by leaning hard into dissociation and derealization both as a coping mechanism and a way to protect himself and that little bit of Epsilon forever imprinted within him.

Epsilon is Memory. He is The Cycle incarnate. He lives, ironically, whether or not his AI form survives because of Washington. Because he gave it all to him. Epsilon is just a part of Wash now, forever. That part of the fragment that is stuck in time, trapped in place, and suffering.

And I gotta stress this bit: Wash could have said something, but he never did.

I do think its because he realized that the suffering of himself, his team, and Alpha, couldn't be for nothing.

I do, wholeheartedly believe that even in insanity, even after being devalued and mocked by his team (Despite clearly being good at what he does? Hes on Carolina's team. Hes on the MOI with the Director. Hes pretty consistently high on the leader board!) and presumably, abandoned by them... Wash listens to Epsilon. He has such empathy.

I promise all this has a point, Im not JUST spouting Agent Washington propaganda- though it is also that.

I just mean to show how complex I see their relationship, both incredibly, painfully brief yet lifelong. We didn't get to see how long exactly they were together before Epsilon tried to destroy himself but it was long enough for Wash to listen and to care.

It was long enough that Washington became a survivor after losing Epsilon, but... wasn't he always? All that changed was that now he had a Purpose.

As far as his compassion and empathy goes, even later on with Wash never wanting his mind violated like that ever again; even with him never being okay with putting another AI in his mind casually. I don't think he truly hates Alpha or Epsilon. I actually think he has the most empathy for Epsilon out of anyone because lmao, who else could know him more intimately?

I like to think in his own way, while taking the only chance he had, Epsilon begged Wash for help, to be avenged and remembered.

Epsilon probably knew they wouldn't delete him. Probably knew being implanted was the only chance he had to destroy himself while ensuring the mission of vengeance lived on. He begged Wash for help, knowing damn well that what he was doing was breaking Wash too.

Passing on the trauma. Starting another cycle of harm like the Director before him.

But you know? Despite all this being my own current thoughts/opinions on it, I kinda love thinking of it this way. I love that Washington... breaks that cycle eventually.

He finds a home with the Blues. He loves all the sim troopers and eventually realizes that he's hurt each and every one of them. Then he spends the rest of his life trying to make up for it.

In that way, moreso than the death of the Director or dismantling of PFL as a whole, I think Wash did do right by the Epsilon in his head. His Epsilon. And by proxy, himself. Because- circling all the way back to the original idea of the post- you can't have one without the other anymore.

#rvb Wash #agent washington #Rewatching rvb with adult eyes is making me so fucking emo dude #I love him so much #rvb Church #rvb epsilon #This is all stream of consciousness Im just wicked emotional about them #For the record this is not me calling Epsilon evil or bad. Epsilon was hurt beyond anything anyone ever deserved #But this is how Im reading things #And Im so fucking sad Wash and Church never got as much interactive screen time as they deserved #Might fuck around and write about it #project freelancer #cw dissociation #cw derealization #I mean its Wash and Epsilon. Obviously those are being talked about.

[toruvi]

you ever go through a period in your life where everything is just changing so much and you dont really adjust well to change but you also dont want things to stay the way they are but you also get kinda sad bc even if things were shitty there were still some things that were comforting but those things just arent as comforting anymore but you dont know what can comfort you now so you’re desperately trying to hold onto what was while also hoping for something new and its jusgdfhgntjkdgrgfwelrkgjflkhjg AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

#SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY #i am a mess #i miss tumblr i miss what it was #i feel like i lost a friend group on here sometimes and i know theyre not really ~gone~ but its not the same yk #and it feels like everyone can move on but me and im just ...here? #iunnoooooooooooooooooo #i just really miss being a part of a fandom where the show was airing!!!!!! when it's active!!!!!!!!!!! #and yes itll return one more time but it wont be the same #i might not even be around the same people and sometimes it is sad to think about #idk i handle change very poorly as you can see LOL #AND I KNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW BEING SOCIAL COULD HELP #i am trying but i am.....realistically its hard for me to just connect with people :(((( #and i get asks and people do talk to me dont get me wrong im not complaining abt that!!! #it just takes a while for me to feel like opening up ya know....... #ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh im just emo #this isnt even solely about tumblr its just a lot of things happening in life in general #wwwwwwejklshfdklhgbfldjk #ANYWAYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS im gonna pour my sad onto paychecks levi #also im so sorry for being slow at answering stuff i really do enjoy replying and chatting im just down in the dumps #and want to give meaningful replies :(

[tendercoretroglodyke]

I have some kind of weird evil wizard curse on me where I feel deeply sad and uniquely horrible when my beloved bestie roommate is home but feel Normal and Emotionally Regulated when theyre out like literally what is wrong with me good GOD get that girl some therapy !!!!

#sorry trying this thing where i speak the thoughts that haunt me and build up in my head as 'unspeakable' anxieties to weaken their power #good thing no one can see this!!! #anyways i want to reinterate that i love my bestie so much and i love BEING with them #but when theyre home and we're not actively hanging out and sometimes even when we ARE i get. like this #i dont understand it #not to be all emo mcdarkness or whatever but i really feel so much more lonely when im around people than when im alone #whats up w that?? #like idk is it just a matter of me being jealous that my bestie spends more time with their partner than with me? #or am i jealous bc i dont HAVE a partner like that who is always there for me and considers me their number 1 #OR am i in love with my bestie and unable to admit it to myself??? #or am i just autistic and having a meltdown every time i socialize with people and realize i am not like them #and dont think i will ever have the emotional intelligence to have a healthy adult relationship like they do #and it drives me fucking crazy with grief?? #vs when im alone im like. not even a person anymore and dont need to be seen i can simply exist and do puzzles and listen to podcast #???? #no but fr this has been a major issue for a long time now and I'm only recently starting to uncover the patterns in my sadness #and im legitimately so scared im going to reach a point where i need to move out on my own and have more control over when i see my bestie #just to get a handle on this insane mood fluctuations that i truly dont understand #and i dont even know how i would begin to broach that topic with them #bc we have promised each other so many times we would always live together #please god let saying this all out loud make it easier to bear 🙏

[fischiee]

y’all I am drunk as fuck but i am fed the fuck up. i am like hopelessly into this guy in our friend group bc he is so kind and wonderful and attractive and unfortunately he has decided that i am the one person to trust abt his love life and so i must apparently sit through him explaining his struggles with another girl while i am SUFFERING

like he is just so sweet and kind and YES it is a crush and yes i am putting him on a pedestal but he is nothing but kind and sweet to me and it definitely seems like he is flirting with me sometimes but i definitely cannot tell and he does talk abt this girl that he is very into OFTEN (she is for sure not me) and it’s driving me crazy i am so heart broken

#ignore this #ignore me #anyway yeah im fucking wasted so sorry pals you get me being emo abt a boy who simply doesn’t care about me #and who i am telling all my friends that i don’t care about #but he sits next to me!!! #and draws doodles on my papers!!!!! #and smiles and looks at me and tilts his body towards me and like ajdbfb #all night he let me loop my arm in him and helped guide me but then he literally told me abt the girl he’s in love with #and he was giving me a ride and being. so kind so I gave him advice about how to like date/get w/ her but it simply hurt my heart so bad #im literally bawling my eyes out AUGH #sorry team this is what happens when you follow a theatre manor who has t even graduated #you get someone so horrendously dramatic and emo #AUGH #i can’t even make up my mind abt him but i do know i want him so bad #we were enemies now we just need to get to the lovers part #it’s just so sad that he had decided that he can tell no one else abt his love life and his secret crush except for me #bc like.. girl i want you to fail (just kidding he’s so wonderful and i want him to be happy) #but it does definitely hurt but also bring me such joy for him to be like “oh i only trust /you/ with this. im attracted to someone else. #he literally let me loop his arm in him and let me touch him all night #but the second he was drawing home he asked abt a situation which her and her inviting friends to a hang out with him #and it just brown my hearT #i just #agony #sorry team im feeling emo

[girlwithfish]

and i hate this bc i used to spend my days alone mostly or for a while like in college my first yr it was months of just hanging out by myself lol and getting thru the days seeing no one or talking to no one bc i had n osocial life and was ok w that nd could manage it and be ok w it but now i never wanna go out do anything to combat my loneliness and being alone for the weekend is just hving me stay in bed all day bc i have no motive to do nything im acting like i as so happy when i spent every day alone my first yr of college its an illusion its an illusionnn i wld also have days where id just stay in my bed all day and was just depressed im lying so hard but i got used to it and it became comfortable but now im just very uncomfortable i guess but at least im in bed but im also feeling unhappy. i need to make smth ive never made before like food so i have smth to do thats rewarding i guess or channel this boredom loneliness restlessness anxiety into like doing my dishes and cleaning my kitchen lol. or i coul do smth fun and nice for myself bc its friday and om counting this as a Rest day even tho i barely did anythjng today besides stay in bed actually thats all i did and its 6pm now so i basically wasted my rest day and tmrw i actually have stuff to do im soo silly. ok bye

#im so lame yayyyy #no one be mean to me abt this #my bf is w friends nd im just home doing nothing being lame lfmaodo i need to #get up nd do smth nd use today as a me day 😻but im still i nbed #also pissed i didnt get a good nights sleep at all probably my fault #i slept like ok but woke up in two hrs nd cldnt sleep for an hr #bc i as anxious and then fellasleep for four hrs but i still feel exhausted. i hate it here #codependency and anxiety i love her #im just mad at myself bc i used to be ok w being alone now i hate it yay #there needs to b balance lol like being completely alone all the time was not good for me nd i was sad all the time but #i prided myself in my solitude and being abke to be alone yk. but now i cant be alone st all #i shld stil b ok w heing alone skmetimes #i was ok last nite lol #its just Emo cuz ive been in bed all day lmfskek i need to get my ass up for realllllll

[blushft]

aromantic but at what cost!!! this shit fucking sucks!

#i want to love someone but i cant. #no one in particular #this isnt a vague! #IM JUST... gah. i wish i could feel normal attraction so i could be less confused and therefore more happy #dont get me wrong. there isnt anything “wrong” with me. #i just dont like being this way oguhfjkds #idea of relationship is SO COOL but then i get into one and i feel trapped. i dont like them. #i also either never feel romantic attraction OR im “in love” with a couple people #i LOVE my friends #but i want someone who understands me :( #god that sounds edgy.. #not in an emo way i promise #ive met like. maybe 3 people who GET IT. #uugjlkksdf... im sad i think. #ianriley

[lorebird]

The mainline pokemon games' poor writing is very frustrating 75% of the time because it's either close to being good or just a complete waste of potential. However the other 25% of the time I fucking love that nothing is fleshed out because then I can hit it with Autism Blast and do whatever the fuck I want

#I'm thinking about volo as per the usual. my version of him is so far from canon he's not even the same character #not that he even Has a lot of depth. his motive is even less fleshed out than cyrus' already weak reasoning #in canon it's just kinda. 'oh no I have been sad :( time to subjugate god and remake the world in its entirety' #I grabbed him like a squeaky toy and turned it into #'everything I knew and loved was wiped off the face of the earth I will always outlive everyone who means something to me #the one person who won't Fucking Despises Me because she knows I'm becoming what I hate. also not dying sucks when you hate your body #and don't know yet that being trans is an option' #mans just wants to start over and have his home back and live the normal life he lost #rambles #GOD DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT VOLO I WILL NEVER SHUT UP IM SO EMO ABT THIS MAN #come to think of it I've done the same thing to cyrus but like. that's bc I write him in a completely different context #from the one that motivates him in canon #so he has a completely different motovation when I write him #GOD I LOVE VILLAINS W FRIENDSHIP EVO POKEMON!!!!

[linonyang]

just watched barbie brb i'm gonna cry the whole night (the tags has some spoilers there ig)

#yk what i'm kinda tearing up already #idk i realized so many stuff it's so sad for me who loves being deep and sensitive #how the world is just so . fucked up to the core #how i should've embraced more abt being a woman #how barbie's image is no longer focused on the careers and capabilities the dolls could influence on us #how we just look at barbie on the surface level - the body and the face #the world was such a big influence on how we treated barbie and IT SUCKS #i wanna wear pink more :< i wanna be more girly :< i dont wanna gaf about what ppl say abt me esp as a woman #idk im kinda rambling atp #i'm happy that i'm kinda branching out on my girlier side this year #my teenage years were mostly avoiding pink bc of my subtle emo phase lol #but now i think being a girl is so fun #but so scary at the same time bc of reality #i grew so much fear of being harassed and sexualized just bc i am a woman #i hope the world will be a better place so i would be a girl without anybody judging me for simply being a girl yk #i was holding back my tears in the cinema lol #barbie's kinda hitting me hard already...... it's almost midnight LMAO #might cry myself to sleep idk #i love being a woman really #and i hope i'd still feel the same even if the world's crumbling down right in front of me #kinda wishing im in barbieland so i wouldnt deal with so much shit in life #it's so rough out there #i want to be happy and free </3 #i hope we'll be understood more as women.... as humans with feelings #r.text

[halinski]

.

#im sad and i miss jamie??? and somehow fics and tiktok videos and spotify playlists are not enough 😭😭😭 #im probably being emo about smth else and the emotions are just displaced oops #anyway #ignore me #im also upset about being unable to write #and upset that i am was so tired i passed out on the couch yesterday and today #instead of being productive

[logically-asexual]

personal problems in tags

#so there’s this guy #i had a huge crush on #and he actually liked me back #and he was everything i wanted in terms of #he had more or less the values as me and was open minded #and he was smart and cute and also had many of the same interests as me #but it made me sad to talk to him because he had a lot of issues and he would always vent to me and i couldn’t hold a normal conversation #because he would always turn it into some complaint about himself or his life #and also because i talked about him about me being ace and he said it was okay #but i didn’t really trust him that he was okay with it. #and then he wrote me this weird letter that just showed a really weird perspective on things that honestly just scared me off #so i stopped talking to him #but im not over him. i miss him. and i have to actively remind myself of why i stopped talking to him because i want to go back sometimes #anyway #i am rarely attracted to men but when i do i do have a type and it is ummm #not totally traditionally masculine men. more like soft boys but who are also kinda emo or goth and at first glance appear like bad boys #and also are tall and have dark fluffy hair and wear black clothes #so i just watched renfield and im IN LOVE with the main character. of course. he ticks every box #but i realized he reminds me of this guy from real life lol #and i just posted a bunch of renfield pics and gifs to my stories and this guy saw them #and im wondering. if he sees these and realizes that that’s him #and realizes i did like him a lot. so much that i still like him in other places. #i don’t know. i guess i hope he does. just so he knows #vent

[leoullaby]

NOOOOOOO

#Im crying #im balling my eyes out #tears are profusely falling from my eyes #i honestly might turn emo again #im so sad omg #no #rise of the pink ladies was cancelled #im so sad #nooo :( #i just woke up and went on tiktok and i see its been cancelled #my hearts been broken too many times #im gonna go play northern downpour on repeat im so sad #omg #my mind is blanking #noooo #im gonna go actually just cry and not be emo again #nvm i lied #i am going emo again #its being cancelled AND removed #bro im so sad #at least we have the songs still :(