#im being melodramatic its fine

[marenwithanm]

The best part about having a running story is I get to evilly plot stuff that will make people sad and cackle about it. The worst part is I can't tell people my ideas because they are spoilers. Can I not have my cake and eat it too? 😔

#im being melodramatic its fine #i totally havent done just so many doodles of stuff i cant show anyone #and im totally not sad that theyre just sitting there in my sketchbook unseen #(lying) #alas the cons of storytellinf #on the plus side i have so much art to share once I'm done woth th3 comic #anyways #unimportant #im rambling #little links #not comic

[stupid-dyke]

I can tell i am now experienceing actual real sleep deprivation and not just the omnipresent idiopathic hypersomnia fake sleepiness that my stupid lying body never shuts up about. I can tell because I am fallijng asleep in class regardless if I take my medication and I feel like everything is so, incredibly stupid and horrible, and everyone giving me homework or telling me to do anything is attacking me. And I can;t hold a conversation. And people are noticing my strange manner and pointing out that I seem wrong. And yet here we are AGAIN I have AGAIN stayed up late AND not gotten any work done. And on top of that I broke my fucking glasses tonight because I left them sitting on my fucking bed. And I'm freaking my parents out by crying over the phone and also I think I actually injured my shoulder last week its been hurting for four days now. and I'm so sad and mad at myself for not sleeping and not working but I can't work because I havent slept and I cant sleep because I havent worked. And every single time I get in a bad time like this my dad worries im going to die because i was suicidal for like a week in 2019 and then he gets mad at me for worrying him and I feel so so so guilty. Im so so sad.

#and I dont want to fuckign sleep even though i really need to and I spend every fucking seconf of every fucking day being sleepy #because even when I get enough sleep im still FUCKING sleepy so what is the FUCKING point. Why not just NOT FUCKING SLEEP. #Im so fucking sick of myself and my body and my pain and my stupidity. #AND ITS SO STUPID BECAUSE HERE I AM MISSING ALL MY ASSIGNMENTS SCARING MY FAMILY WEIRDING OUT OTHER STUDENTS AND MAKING MY PROFS HATE ME #BECAUSE IM FUCKING SLEEPY. stupidest fucking sounding reason on earth to have a fucking crisis. #no one ever hears me say im sleepy and thinks oh thats really serious i really want to help you now its literally just annoying to ppl #haha wait til you have kids or get older or a full time job ha ha #cool I am fuckign terrified of the future because I know how mad everyone gets at me when im too disabled to do what im supposed to #and I know its going to get to a point where I can't and there will probably be no one left to help me. I'm almost certainly going to outli #outlive my parents and my sister and even if i ever get married ill probably also get divorced so I'll be all alone #friendships aren't safe becuase you can love someone so much for 5 years and she just tells you one day she doesn't want to be burdened #by you anymore and you never hear from her again #its a dark scary fucking world and you want me to be passionate about a field of study or something?? jesus christ can you all just fuck of #I dont want to go to grad school i dont want to work i dont want to live alone i dont want to live with my parents forever #my head hurts so much goodnight guys sorry for ranting its literally fine im literally just really sleepy sorry for being melodramatic

[babygirlbdubs]

i am god’s bravest soldier (a rendog enjoyer who doesn’t ship treebark)

#spooky.thoughts #like i dont HATE it… and i remember my roots (lmao) #but there’s so many pretty rendogs in treebark art and im in love with them but oUGH #lays down in the floor #i’m being melodramatic but its fine

[adhdheather]

killing me inside to find out i dont have a silly outfit for every occasion bc i dont have anything for this lotr marathon w a costume contest

#im being melodramatic its fine that im just wearing a normal outfit i already wear thats not on theme #but also. how do i not have clothes and accessories for this. #p

[luckyluke-owo]

Ughhhhh the depression is kicking my ass today for no reason.

@/brain bitch what the fuck is your problem I'm literally just existing

#I've had a tough month and its catching up to me #I'm fine just frustrated #moving is terrible for mental health ia my lesson of the day #anyone wanna help a tiny disabled fuck move some boxes I tried doing it myself and couldn't even get the things out the door #im being melodramatic pls ignore

[winter-jay-official]

Aaaaaaaaa

I have to pack <//3

#im gay and like wearing lots of clothes thus i hate packing bc im also very practical when it comes down to it #so im like yes i want this and will wear it bc it looks gay but also its not needed and is taking up space that something better could use #u know ???!!!! #i cant be gay in this economy irs too hard <//3 #ajmkgdgjk anyways #if u havent noticed already i like being melodramatic for bits <3 its actually fine idc #ill just have 2 impress with my amazing personality and not completly rely on my clothing (/j) #nightjay blogging

[ddarker-dreams]

lock this is really weird, funny even. but u write most of ur readers as someone who's kind and willing to help others, even if it means going through rather great lengths. they're just the sweetest people bound to make your heart melt. they're eccentric for sure, but thats just their charm. they're optimistic, kind, etc. just a lot of good things

FUNNILY ENOUGH I THINK THAT RUBBED OFF ON ME? like im not even joking. i was such a closed off person and negative person who hated the idea of ever having to do good for others in fear of getting hurt. but eventually all of that gradually changed?@??@

like im so serious when i say that i turned from "i hate the world im bound to be negative and evil because everyone is bound to hate me" to "actually it wouldnt hurt to be nice to people, do a little something, make them happy. its fine to let my walls down a little, being kind isnt a weakness"

its just hilarious that goddamn yandere fics helped me in my chara development but that just hows how great of a writer u are lock

i don’t want to be melodramatic or anything but this ask genuinely made me emotional ,,

thank you so much for sharing this, i don’t think it’s weird at all. i’ve actually gone through a similar process over the past few years due to the fanfic i write. since i mostly depict antagonists, i often shape the reader to be a foil to them. they don't have to be saints, per se, but the staunch refusal to throw in the towel and write off humanity is a trait i love.

it takes a lot of courage to be willing to interact with the world in an open way, even if it's the 'little' things. we live in the information era and are bombarded with negativity so often that it's almost impossible not to internalize some of it. and i get it, there are a lot of bad things in the world, but there's so much kindness and vivacity too. people will come watch some guy eat a rotisserie chicken, hold a child's hand to help them cross the street, use construction equipment to rescue a baby elephant from a hole, on and on the list goes.

kindness is one of the most important traits we can learn imo. it'll always be a work in progress, but the willingness to figure it out is something beautiful.

#sweet asks #answered #Anonymous

[system-of-a-feather]

[Content Warning: /hj /lh Im being melodramatic in OCD/OCPD because the content is genuine but I also know that its extremely excessive]

There is a unique pain in being someone who copes with their C-PTSD and shit by chronically living in the future and having scaffolded webbed-plans reaching decades into thr future and a new stage is being approached which is COOL but the new stage has yet to have key variables defined by the nature of them which is NOT COOL because I have to ACCEPT that I cant escape into my future planning if I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL SPECIFICALLY BE DOING IN A MONTH AND HALF.

*slams face on desk* ITS BEEN TWO WEEKS USVHSKSOA

Can someone just tell me where the job I get will be located so I can start looking into my housing and start building medium "long term" goals for this 2-3 year break ;;=;;

I know this is healthy because I can somewhat still cope and XIV has like 0 issue with this so hes helpful but ;;;=;;; I don't know what to do with myself if I dont have a heavily detailed 2 year plan, a detailed 5 year plan and a good 10-30 year plan ;;;=;;;

Like I know Ill get to my 5-30 year plan regardless but the specifics of my 2 year plan ;;=;; What am I supposed to do if I don't know the intense details of my 2 year plan ;;=;; What am I supposed to be working on and enthusiastically building ;;=;; Where am I supposed to harvest my passion in life if I have no immediate goals ;;=;;

*dies*

I am lost in life because I dont know a detailed ideal play by play of the next two years of my life. I only have goals stretching out until Im 40-50. What will I do with myself having so little ability to plan ahead? What is the MEANING of this all?

Whyvdo we exist, just to SUFFER?!?!!?

*melodramatically dies again*

Melodrama aside though, I realllllyyyy hate waiting. Im whining mainly cause its 100% me being impatient and uncomfortable that I don't have my main distractions and sense of control / security and it has me UNCOMFORTABLE because I WANT TO MAKE PLANS but I CANT because I don't have set knowledge of the intentionally planned variable aspects by the very nature of being in a transitory phase and IM GONNA STRANGLE SOMEONE UNTIL THEY TELL ME WHAT EXACT JOB AND CITY ILL LIVE IN I SWEAR TO GOD HURRY UP SO I CAN GET BACK TO MY WAY OF LIFE I AM LITERALLY PULLING OUT MY HAIR AND XIVS GONNA KILL ME CAUSE ITS HIS BEARD /hj

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I hate my OCD/OCPD. Tame the rage. Tame the impatience. You can live without everything stringently planned out and you can survive waiting a totally reasonable amount of time to get replies. You are a big kid and if XIV is doing fine you can too now go touch grass and enjoy the moment smh.

Ugh.

I hate how this transitory period is grating SO hard against my OCD/OCPD tendencies. It makes me want to sign forms to have XIV handle it until I get more material to plan with but he is 10/10 not wanting to be primary host again and Im like ughhhhhhhhhh

end my suffering

*dies*

-Riku

#alter: riku #vent #vent tw #riku being melodramatic #caps #caps lock

[pesterloglog]

John Egbert, Rose Lalonde, Roxy Lalonde, Kanaya Maryam

Act 6, page 7978-7979

JOHN: here we are.

JOHN: ready everyone?

ROSE: I guess as ready as one can be, to initiate lethal combat with the extraterrestrial founder of a nefarious baking good syndicate.

JOHN: wait, what?

JOHN: i thought we were fighting the condesce.

ROSE: We are.

ROSE: The Condesce is Betty Crocker.

JOHN: she is??

ROSE: Yes.

ROSE: Wait. John, are you telling me you're only realizing this now?

JOHN: um...

ROSE: Unbelievable.

JOHN: hey, nobody TOLD me, ok?

ROSE: There's this thing called inference, John.

ROSE: Examining a large body of evidence, putting the pieces together, making certain logical leaps, drawing conclusions...

JOHN: sorry, i guess i was too busy saving everybody from dying horribly, to solve a very stupid mystery about a shitty cake woman. :p

ROSE: I guess so.

ROSE: So what do you have to say about that?

JOHN: about what?

ROSE: About the alias of the Condesce.

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: it's fine, i guess.

ROSE: Fine?

JOHN: yeah...

JOHN: what else am i supposed to think about it!

ROSE: I don't know.

ROSE: I guess I thought you might be floored by this stunning revelation, given your irrational hatred for that particular dessert corporation.

JOHN: eh, it's alright.

JOHN: sorta makes sense actually. what's the big deal?

ROSE: John, you're kind of letting me down here.

JOHN: sorry!!!

JOHN: i just think we have bigger fish to fry, than... heh heh, fish...

JOHN: i mean more important things to do, than get down on the floor, and have a melodramatic tantrum about a ridiculous and stupid fact that doesn't matter.

ROSE: John, stop it.

ROSE: The degree of maturity you are showing here is really bad for morale.

JOHN: oh, shush.

JOHN: listen, whatever she is, cake mogul, or alien empress, or queen of derse, or sexy sea lady with too much hair...

JOHN: let's just fuck her up!

ROXY: yeah!!!

JOHN: hey, roxy...

JOHN: what are you doing with that sword?

ROXY: what this?

JOHN: yes.

ROXY: it was um

ROXY: sorta my improvised grave stone deal but i guess became kind a meaningless when my cat robbed the grave

ROXY: so i figured i might as well go nab it again

ROXY: why let a cool sword go to waste??

ROXY: u know my boy di-stri would not approve

JOHN: that's true, i guess.

JOHN: is that why you took it out of the stone slab thingy in the first place?

ROXY: kinda

ROXY: that was different

JOHN: how?

ROXY: back when i first saw it on your blue planet

ROXY: that was when i just lost all my friends and i thought for a while they all might be gone for good

ROXY: and i saw the sword pokin out of there and it reminded me of dirk

ROXY: it reminded me of everyone we just said goodbye to

ROXY: even if that only turned out to be temporary

ROXY: i dunno what it meant to people before i came along

ROXY: but to me it was a symbol

ROXY: of all the people who didnt make it as far as we did

ROXY: so i stole it

ROXY: see

ROXY: im a goddamn rogue

ROXY: i TAKE shit

ROXY: and now ima take back from the WITCH

ROXY: everything she stole that shoulda been ours

ROXY: promise of a better life

ROXY: a future for humanity and trolls alike

ROXY: all that shit

ROXY: im going to swipe its lack

ROXY: and make it all start being a thing again

ROXY: lets never let all that stop from being a thing ever again

ROXY: k guys???

KANAYA: What

JOHN: yeah!!!

KANAYA: Okay Yeah

KANAYA: Im Sure That Possibly All Made Sense Good Speech

#homestuck #john egbert #rose lalonde #roxy lalonde #kanaya maryam #page 7978 #page 7979 #homestuck act 6 act 6 #homestuck act 6 act 6 intermission 5

[femalehysteria420]

i say i love peoplebexause i feel like i do but ummmmM well Im staeting to think its like an attentions eeking thing and im lying to everyone xonsrantly and im actually incapable of love everyjtinf is transactional im an object who likes praise oh myg do iM falling apart I really am I cannot lie I hope i fuckint die soon im so ober this i cant even kill myself befause i know that would make me even worse of a person for fucking ogwr all my freinds because what if they carr about me and maybe i care about them because thatbupsets me i just like someties i get so caught up in my head i really think im going to somehow turn into like a serial killer or some shit its so crazy its just like it is in my fontrol but its not i dont feel like i have control I dont care if it hurts i wanna have comtrol i want a perfeft body i want a perfect soul Man I dont think Thome yorke could have even imagined what those lyrics do to my psyche now its so crazy ive been lsitening to how to disappear completely for god knows how long i i dont care i dont know i dont know if im ok or if im care or if i can feel love or if i love i dont know if im just a misguided person trying her best or if im just some sick and twisted downright fucking mosnter because i really do view myself as such a vile evil thing you knwo what ive been saying shit like soemtimes things dont work out but all the bad things people said about me im manic im too much im a bad person i make everything about myself i do i cant conceptualize wnythnt past my own head And I cant tellif im being dishonest to the very few people i had no intention of being dishonest too i cant even say im fine anymore these days befause it changes im in limbo here i cant kill myslf because theyll probably be sad in some way or another and that just doesnt seem fair but also i think id rather die than go to the psych was I was right I was alll those years ago when i said it i am melodramatic but i am in purgatory i remember using the wordds melodramatic and purgatory in front of a bunch of people betwen you me and god because i dont want this to be a whole thing ive fr been wondering if i have histrionic personality disorder befause literlaly so many of symptoms align and i know im just fatherless and already have bpd it fouldnjust be the birderline who cares bitfh lithium and dialectics boy you really is defective

[deithe]

there's nothing stranger than watching ur friends outgrow you in real time

#like i knew this was going 2 happen this is college its just. sad #and its worse bc most of my school friends are still friends with each other. just not me (kind of?) #and im. super bad at making friends at college so im just. empty now. and i know im just being melodramatic! but its sad #they were friends with me bc they had know me since we were kids but im not the kind of person theyd be friends with now if they had the #choice #and i dont begrudge them outgrowing me thats perfectly natural im just a pussy #whos 2 much of a loser 2 talk to ppl they don't know #and i also don't know how making friends actually works? its so confusing? #and my friends are just. so far ahead of me with like. making friends and getting with people and being confident so maaaannnn i dunno #anyways. enough self-pitying. im grand ill be fine it'll all sort itself out in the end #oh and also. ive caught the succsession disease ive got the cousin greg liking illness

[parttimedragonslayer]

Seems like my life plans are on hold again.

Never get your hopes up, it only ends in disappointment.

#life goals #very dissapointed #its ok im fine #just being melodramatic

[blacknovelist]

me, beating back bad vibes and thoughts with a rolled-up newspaper in one hand and a broom in the other: GET!! Get, I say!! You are not gonna plant ur garbage in my brain any longer than you already have!! If the universe had the gall to bring me into existence then by GOD I'm gonna stick around as long as I can and maybe try to have a good goddamn time while I do!! Fuck you!!!

#blacknovelist talks #been feeling some kind of way but like. in the bg. itll get bad if i let it so fuck im not gonna let it #keep thinking abt an article i read w a tagline of something like ''i am not always very attached to being alive'' #and ngl?? mood. but its also like hey google am i being melodramatic or what lmao #anyway ill be fine bc as u can guess i have held this rolled newspaper all my life and will continue to do so #but the queue is dwindling and i think ill likely not be around much for a bit while again #i am bearing my teeth and *snarling*

[casadastraphobos-moved]

💔

#I know it's so dumb to think this when he's not feeling well but why does it feel like he's talking to everyone but me? #he says he doesnt want to talk to anyone but i find out other people close to him have been talking and hanging out with him #i just #fuck #im not mad at him or anything but god does it feel like a stab in the chest the longer it feels like hes avoiding me for no apparent reason #yet all our friends tell me what wonderful times they had together #its just two people #that i know of #hhhhhh god i hate this this feeling is dumb and i feel so stupid #this is what i get for falling in love i guess #maybe im not as close to him as i thought???? #as he made it seem #im probably being a clingy melodramatic bitch and blowing this all out of proportion #hell never see this so its fine theres no way for him to be hurt by my venting here #but still #ive been in so many situations recently that no ones to blame and nothing in particular is 'wrong' yet i cant stop blaming myself for it #i shouldnt be upset about this since i dont completely understand whats going on but at the same time i do #and that feeling hurts me #all i can do is wait until hes better and speaks to me again #but #but what if he doesnt????? #what if he forgets about me and we never talk again cuz he decides im not worth it #thats so dumb to think cuz its not true but #we used to speak everyday it felt like and then i seem to be the only one completely shut out #what did i do wrong?

[glurg]

its lichrally the worst feeling ever when you just want to talk to someone but you feel like youve already disturbed them too much :(

#sorry 4 being cliche #its fine though im being a bit melodramatic

[hahaha-3]

wilbur reminisces on his first love

category: angst and hella sad

tw: mentions of suicide attempts, eating disorder, medication, self harm, and abuse (verbal and physical i think)

she used to be mine

“Ello chat today we are doing a chill Q & A stream so ask away!”. I couldn’t catch all of the questions from the chat but one caught my eye. “Wilbur what was your first love like?” I chuckle “wow the fowardness of you guys tonight is astounding”. I could picture her in my head so clearly. My face flushed “Ok my first love well it was pretty rough I guess you could say”

It’s not simple to say most days I don't recognize me

Its been 5 years since we split and I carried a piece of her with me everyday. Literally her tiny cat named snowball curled up against my leg purring. I smile sadly at the cat and remember the girl I was once in love with. “It was four years ago, I was still in college and still very stupid” I laugh as chat aww’s.

With these shoes and its apron, that place and its patrons, have taken more than I gave them

“I used to work in a diner near my college at Uncle Sams Hamburger Express” (I did my research ;)) “She stopped by almost everyday and ordered the exact same thing every time an apple pie, a strawberry milkshake, and a smile” I giggle softly. They always seemed to go crazy over the smallest details but it was all true. Even knowing her was worth so much.

Its not easy to know, Im not anything like I used to be, Although its true

Thinking about her hurt like all bloody hell but remembering her made me smile. “Her favorite animal was pandas, I remember whenever I sang her this stupid little song she would just burst out laughing and her cheeks would go beautifully red”. I glance towards my donos and I see more questions and comments appear but I couldn’t shake the image of her out of my head and vision. Almost like she was still with me, in my arms.

I was never attentions sweet center, I still remember that girl

Forgetting her was impossible, and I tried. She was burned into my brain like metal branding or an ink seal on a letter. The way she smiled, the way her eyes fluttered beautifully as she tried to stay awake in my arms, her laugh that I swear could make angels cry. “Truth be told chat I don’t know how I ended up with her in the first place. She was totally out of my league”. Suddenly Tommy joins the call to joke “Unlike me! Women love me.” He laughs and I smile at the sound of the boy whos like my little brother.(I will cry) “Okay Tommy don’t you have women to talk to now?” chat spams BIg Man Tommy and he leaves call with his final remarks “Yes yes I do bye chat”.

She’s imperfect but she tries,

Flashback to June 2015

She is good but she lies

“Aria you can’t just pretend nothing is wrong when something obviously is” I held my breath waiting for her to respond with something, Anything, “Wil I don’t know what you want me to say it wasn’t a big deal. I have a headache can you stop being melodramatic”. I ran in front of her and held her shoulders “Aria you went off of your anti depressants and I almost lost you to an overdose. You told me you were taking your meds and getting better, that everything was going to be fine. You are total a big deal to me Aria. You matter more to me than anything else in the world. Please just talk to me, let me help you” I plead to her. My neighbor was coming in for my old pc and saw her on the floor with a bottle of pills. “Will I told you here, in the car 20 minutes ago, and at the hospital I am fine. I don’t need you or some stupid doctor telling me what I can or can’t do and how to live my fucking life. Now I’m tired and I need to get some rest, drop it”. She walked past me into our room leaving me in the hallway speechless. Her anger over the subject only made me more worried about her.

She is hard on herself, shes broken and won’t ask for help

Back to present

“She had the most beautiful brown eyes that I would constantly get lost in. She went through so much but refused to let it show. Her courage was what I loved most about her”.

flashback to august 2015

Her deadline was nearing on her and her stress was increasing everyday. That on top of the struggle to take her meds drove her to the point of insanity. Sometimes it would be crying in the bathroom or being sick from malnutrition. But she refused to show it. Showing it lead to questions, and questions meant providing answers that she didn’t have. Her bruises and cuts only showed just how much stronger she was than me. 10 pages. She had to write 10 pages plus an article for the college newspaper on obsessive media influence.

I caught her on the phone sometimes crying but she just said stress whenever I asked. She was breaking but never let anyone know. “Aria I can help if you want it’s on obsessive media right? I do youtube so I can help”. She ruffled my hair and smiled shaking her head “no no its fine I don’t have a lot left. I already have the brainstorming done”. She turned to the computer and smiled sadly “I just need to put my thoughts into words”.

She is messy but shes kind

Flashback to December 2015

She sped down the hallway as the christmas snow fell outside the window of our apartment. Her beautiful brown hair was tied into a bun and she had a gold and white onesie on to match my pajama set that she bought me for this special morning, She ran to directly to the small tree we had in the living room/kitchen and immediately handed me a present with a cheeky smile. I opened the box with blue and yellow wrapping paper careful not to rip all of the paper off. Her smile widened as she saw my reaction to a blue harmonica. I laughed and thanked her for the gift. She points to a spot under the tree and I avert my eyes to where she’s pointing. A beautiful blue Fender Play Telecaster electric guitar. I hug her tightly and she laughs. “I can’t believe you did this”. She smiled brightly “oh but I did Mr. Gold”. I get up and run to the guitar smiling my face off. I look up at her “how much did this cost?” she shakes her head and smiles “don’t worry about it. Go ahead try it”. I grab my pick from besides the guitar and strum it. I make a happy giggle and smile. “Thank you Aria”.

she is lonely most of the time. She is all of this mixed up and baked into a beautiful pie

“I spent so much time with her that I don’t even remember her really leaving the flat but her company was the best thing ever.” The chat was going crazy over the possibility of who it was but they would never know. The closest they knew to my love life was my songs and my crush in middle school that I made documentaries with to get closer to her.

flashback to january 2016

She ran inside the flat squealing with a small kitten in her hand. I look up from editing and smile at her. “I named her snowball and shes our daughter”. I laugh softly and get up to see the kitten closer. It had beautiful brown eyes and snow white fur. It purred loudly in her arms and her eyes reminded me so much of Arias. “I thought a pet would help make this a little less unbearable”. I hugged her and smiled. “Shes perfect love, just like you”.

Shes gone, but she used to be mine

I picked up Snowball and pet her softly. “ This was our kitten. Snowball.” Her eyes were still mesmerizing. “It was three of the best years of my life. Every second with her was undoubtedly worth it”. “I remembered how she was slowly losing herself. Far too quickly for either of us to stop. But I loved her. So much. through off of her scars and heartbreaks. She was mine”. The chill vibe in the chat had quickly gone to a sad one so I quickly answered less depressing questions to lighten the mood. She was still in my head the entire time.

And its not what I asked for, Sometimes life just slips through the cracks

I waved Snowballs soft paw towards the screen and smiled fixing my beanie a little better. “Say bye bye to the chat Snowball!” I waved with my free hand and shut off the webcam. I held Snowball closer and kissed her head. “Time for bed love”. I got up out of my chair and quickly shut off my computer and went to set Snowball down on my bed. My phone rings with a new trend on twitter. “She Used to Be Mine- Twitch streamer Wilbur Soot opens up about his past relationship with someone struggling with mental issues. Support from not only his own friends but from millions of fans with their own stories share their battle with mental illness and how he has individually helped all of them in his own way”.

And carves out a person, who makes you believe its all true, and now I got you

flashback to february 2016

She was getting visibly better. She was taking her meds and smiling more. Her stress was decreasing and she even made a friend in her journalism class. She was better. She smiled looking up at the stars from the flat roof. She pointed up, “the brightest star is the one that leads you back home”. It was true. She was my home and I was hers.

You’re not what I asked for, If I’m honest, I know I would give it all back for a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two

~back to present~

I lay down next to Snowball and look into her Aria eyes as she purs and hold her close. Four years and I still can’t get over her. I chuckle softly and boop her nose “I blame you little one”. I wanted to help her through everything. I didn’t know how. I didn’t know the right things to say that wouldn’t hurt her more or bring her to tears. I would have carried all of the hurt and stress for her if I could. But it was too late. Tears brim my eyes at the thought that I could have done so much more to help her. If I paid more attention or asked about her day more. She would still be mine.

for that girl that I knew, who was reckless just enough

the calm before the storm is what you remember most in a tragedy~ Anonymous

flashback to March 2016

The rain poured as we looked up at the sky from the flat roof. Our one year anniversary.

Her hair clinging to her back as she stood on the edge of the roof in an almost angelic white dress. She smiled at me. My heart surged as my hair pressed to my face. She takes my hand and we dance together in the beautiful rain. Two hearts together one whole and one mending.

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes “thank you”. Things will be fine.

Who gets hurt but learns how to toughen up when she's bruised and gets used by a man who can’t love

April 2016

She held her phone close to her ear and shook as tears ran down her face. The door was closed and the lights were off. She was all alone. With the voice screeching through the phone. She sobbed harder as the criticisms flooded her head. Everything she was doing wrong. Everything she has done wrong. The effect of her living and how much it hurt people and ruined them. “You are a worthless little girl who will never get anywhere with your stupid journalism career. You choose to run away and leave your own family who have treated you so kindly and gave you everything but apparently it wasn’t enough for a stuck up brat like you”. Her eyes burn as the tears continue to come down her face at the harsh words stabbing her entire body. Each burn and scar light on fire as the pain in her heart spreads. “I’m surprised you're not dead. You seem to love attention so much with your fake disorders. Your mother died already because of you. Might as well Join Her.” She chokes on her own tears and screams at the phone “It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t me. She loved me. It was you. You hurt her. I didn’t”. She whispers “I would never hurt her.”

And then she'll get stuck and be scared Of the life that's inside her

The phone hangs up on her words. She looks at the blank wall in front of her. The world collapses around her in her mind as the oxygen depletes around her. Breathing suddenly becomes harder and harder every second. With the oxygen she has left she screams at the shadow condescending her and scolding her “IT WASN’T ME I DIDN'T DO IT”. The knife under the mattress screams at her. Daring her to live another minute. Willing her against everything that cares about her. She reaches her hand as the door opens. Her broken eyes burn into my soul. I look from her to the mattress that her hand is motioning for. I lift up the mattress and take the knife from under it. Neither of us utter a word as i put the knife on the dresser. She flinches from the slight sound and curls up in a corner. Almost like she doesn’t recognize me. As I get closer to her a faint whisper leaves her voice “go away”. I kneel beside her and look through her broken soul. “I can’t do that”. She glares “Why? Everyone else can so whats stopping you? Guilt?” Her eyes are accusing and hurt. “No I-” she cuts me off “ I don’t need you or your pity. I don’t need a fucking babysitter. There's nothing to pity so fucking leave.” She stands up “Or better yet. I will leave for you”. Before she can say something else I hug her. She collapses on the floor and into my arms as her tears wet my shirt. “I’m here”, and with the faintest whisper she says into my shirt “for how long”.

Getting stronger each day until it finally reminds her to fight just a little and bring back the fire in her eyes thats been gone but it used to be mine

June 2016

She looked at the face besides her. Peaceful, happy, content, and whole. She broke with the guilt of being a burden. She gets up softly not to wake the sleeping soul besides her and walks to the bathroom taking the knife off the dresser. The room around her spins and her hands covered in blood. The knife burns in her hand. The medicine numbs it. All she needed was the medicine. The medicine would fix her. The knife would only end her. Not fix her. And she needed to be fixed. For him. She needed to leave. Her father was right. She was a burden as long as she wasn’t getting better. She collected the bathroom necessities and quietly emptied out her side of the dresser. On her way out of the door she looked at baby blue and smiles with tears in her eyes. This was for the best. Before she completely left she made her way to the roof. Her favorite place. She walked to the edge and looked at the sunrise. “New beginning.” She smiles and turns to a disheveled William Gold. “Were you just going to leave? Without saying anything?”. My eyes were red with worry. Her stuff was gone and in a panic I ran up here to the one place I knew she could escape. “I’m sorry. But I have to go. It’s better this way.” I shake my head and look up at the pink sky “better for you or for me?”. She shakes her head and walks past me “I don’t want to burden you and something needs to change”. I look at her in disbelief “ you were never a burden. And I want you here, scars and all.” The words fly over her head. Her mind was already set. So I beg, “Let me help you, please”. She kisses my cheek one last time and turns to walk out of my life and out of our love. “Somethings just need to be fixed alone”.

She is messy but she's kind, She is lonely most of the time, She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie, She is gone but she used to be mine

BACK TO PRESENT

Reminiscing made my stomach twist in knots. To ease my heartache I walk to the one place that always made me feel better, the Uncle Sam Hamburger Express. As I sit down my phone rings with a new trend on twitter. “She Used to Be Mine- Twitch streamer Wilbur Soot opens up about his past relationship with someone struggling with mental issues. Support from not only his own friends but from millions of fans with their own stories share their battle with mental illness and how he has individually helped all of them in his own way”. I smile softly as I see the love that these people share. I helped them and they helped each other. I look up from my phone to the waitress handed me an apple pie, a strawberry milkshake, and a sticky note with a smile on it. I look up to the waitress confused “excuse me miss I never ordered-” She nods her head towards the booth and I turn my head to see the eyes I haven’t seen in 5 years. The same eyes that my kitten hold. The Aria eyes. She comes up next to me and smiles “Hey Will”.

#wilbur soot #wilbur imagine #dream smp #wilbur angst