#idk. i just hate holding back love

[diffenbachiae]

i have to resist the urge to tell my friends & loved ones i love them like every single time i see their face and i know i’m being weird about it, like i’m not supposed to say it as often as i do/ in front of as many people, but i genuinely don’t understand how i’m supposed to not say it when it’s all i feel. and it makes me sad too bc that makes me think maybe i feel it stronger than most people? and that can’t be true but like how is everyone else not BURSTING to say and express it.

#esp with the kids i babysit like i genuinely love them so much #but i’m not supposed to say it cause it crosses a boundary and i’m aware of that so i don’t say it to them #i did actually accidentally say it to one of them as i was tucking them into bed #but like. i’ve known him since he was 5 and he’s about to turn 10 #his eyes got so big like it was some huge secret and i’ll never forget it. he said ‘you LOVE us?’ and looked so shocked #and it broke my heart a little because like YES god yes so much. so much do i love you. #i’ve made your sandwiches and helped you with your homework and scooped you up in my arms and now you reach my shoulder #i have your birthday memorized i know who your teachers were every year of elementary school #idk. i just hate holding back love

[sskk-manifesto]

(´･ᴗ･ ` )

#I really like the “We're the bad guys' enemy” line. For someone I generally despise Dazai has all my favourite lines in this show… #Idk I can't really vibe with the unbalance that there is between s/kk. #Like when push comes to shove‚ Dazai has the power to keep Chuuya alive or let him die. #I understand why they make a compelling dynamic in their complexity‚ but it just doesn't do it for me. #I'm a little sad my opinion on them hasn't really changed since I watched the anime for the first time... #Also; I really can't vibe with Chuuya allowing Dazai to kill Q. Yes I know Chuuya cares about his comrades deeply. #Yes I know it can be interpreted as Chuuya seeing himself in Q as a living weapon and being disgusted by it #(though I honestly don't think that was intentional of the author). #Yes I know Chuuya is a mafioso and kills people. No I don't think your personal issues justify you being a dick to other people I'm sorry. #Back to my main annoyance with the episode: I must have already talked about this but I hate hate hate the narrative #“the mafia works for the city” “the mafia deeply loves the city too” it's so so sickening and insulting please stop I'm begging. #Please visit any actual city with a rooted mafia presence for once in your life (signed: someone whose hometown was destroyed by the mafia. #The writers really don't know what they're talking about and‚ politely‚ it's offensive.) #Also b/sd keeping being extremely nationalist with Mori (who's largely depicted unsimphatetically for the first part of the episode)– #bringing up western thinkers and subtly mocking Fukuzawa for not knowing them– #and Fukuzawa (the righteous man. the noble spirit and just soul in this episode and Mori's antithesis)– #stepping forward to say that he knows strategists from the east (because who else would he need?) #I don't know if it's meant to symbolize the conflict with an hostile and invading foreign power (the Guild). #But it does come across as. A very isolationist way of thinking. #I know it's subtle but it's really evident for me. And I didn't want to talk about this any further… #But by bringing actual examples of this I hope I can better explain why I think that b/sd holds nationalist views– #and that I'm not just making it up out of nowhere. Otherwise I fear I'd only come off as pettily hostile to b/sd in everything #That's it. I feel like I've been losing a lot of mutuals over my main recently due to not shutting up (sorry) #so I suppose it's only fair I lose them on here too pffttt. #Tune in next week for more bad takes #random rambles

[gregoftom]

where do i even start

#tomgreg #stay tuned for a special thing at the end #FIRST OFF CAN I JUST SAY. thinking about my own various skills and abilities tom says as he MOVES CROTCH FIRST TOWARDS GREG. #and he's just told greg his skills. he's got a big dick and fucks fast and hard. so like. there's that. #i'm either to assume he's already showed said skills off to greg and referring to it or he's literally being suggestive #either unconsciously or consciously. #also he wiggles his crotch a little. like. we get it you wanna fuck greg so bad it makes you look stupid. #ok so we've got the tom not tiptoeing around this like he did with shiv and straight up saying i'm not fucking happy #with you going off with somebody else. i don't like it. why are you happy and i'm not that's not fair. #you're mine. i'm not jealous tho haha #we've got them going through what looks like a wedding arch. #we've got them full on acting like a married couple with greg making excuses for tom and holding him back a little. acting like his wife. #we've got tom switching chiding greg for saying something and the ''don't say that!!'' and then greg agreeing #and saying that actually no tom is a lovely man. oh don't mind my husband he's just grouchy! #and then the WAY tom says you've ruined it like he's about to throw up or cry. or both. #and then greg being like ?? how i have ruined it?? and tom ''idk you just HAVE'' all petulant like #and you know what i'm gonna say. a schoolboy. #he's like thanks i hate it #it really is so much this episode. so much. #i have an idea from it of what fic i could write so there's something at least. a

[dirtytransmasc]

self indulgent got concept.

Ned brings Jon home, Cat hates the boy, everything stays the same... until Robert Baratheon is charging through the halls of Winterfell looking for the babe, ready to butcher the poor thing where he lay helpless in his cradle.

in a matter of moments Catelyn learns three things:

The babe was never a bastard, Ned had only lied to her to protect Jon, and that she would die before she let Robert lay a finger on the babe she'd previously wished death upon.

cue Catelyn Stark snatching Jon from his cradle, holding him, protecting him, loving him as she would her own son, risking it all to keep him safe, all care for herself thrown to the wind.

like they say, what a mother's love holds no bounds, and what it makes her capable of had no limits.

#listen listen listen #I just want Catelyn to love Jon Snow and I don't care what I ahve to do to make it happen #(plus the angst is delicious) #I was rewatching old kids movies and ended up watching ice age and idk why but the mom sacrificing herself for her babe gave me ideas #I just imagine young Cat holding onto the boy she hated and wished death on for being bastard (only to find out he wasn't one) as tightly- #as she could. knowing Robert and his men were coming. knowing they would slaughter the boy in front of her. knwoing she'd wished for this- #and deciding she'd give her own life to protect him if thats what it came to. #and in my mind she jumped from the window of the nursery knowing the halls will be filled with the kings men and leave little chance for- #escape. before fleeing on injured legs to hide the babe and herself knowing Robert would be right behind her. she's in agony. but she'll- #going for the babes sake. she won't stop until her heart is dead in her chest. even if it hurts to move and breath and think he keeps going #maybe she takes a horse and flees wintefell all together. maybe she hides somewhere in/around the castle. maybe Robert catches her? #if she runs with him she'd have nothing but the clothes on her back. she'd have to feed him and keep him warm. she'd have left her own son- #behind. the potential angst and hurt/comfort as Cat misses her own son and learns to love another. feeding him and keeping him warm from- #her own body while she's injured and lost and at the will of the elements of the strange new place she now considered calling home #idk I just think it'd be an interesting concept #there's something about a mother and her child being cornered by 'wolves' (in this case a stag). this has the added spice of Cat and Jon's- #dynamic. just earlier that day she could barely look at him and now she's willing to die for him. the change happened in seconds. #that was a lot of ranting in the tags. oops. anyway... #catelyn stark #jon snow #I love putting these two in harrowing. life altering. and/or traumatic situations so they can finally just be mother and son #I live for the angsty family feels #got #game of thrones #asoiaf

[girl-bateman]

Some days I'm pretty content with my childhood other days I'm ripping my hair out because it just doesn't add up !! someone is hiding things from me !! I don't trust anyone !!

#im studying 'family as a psycosocial context' rn and its been pretty interesting! #and i was talking to my mom an article with an evolutionary perspective #bc we've talked before abt how this area of psychology can come off as dismissive abt socioeconomic factors & put unfair pressure on mothers #so i brought it up bc the paper didnt define parenting in terms of good/bad which was interesting ! #but then at the end i said something abt 'the article talks abt abuse which obviously isnt relevant for me' #and she wouldnt answer me but her eyes were all watery and weird and I DONT LIKE THAT #like girl 😟 i was coming to terms with the occasional childhood neglect but abuse ? dont even tell me that bc what #like i know things werent perfect for me growing up but i hate how weird my mom is abt everything #and she starts crying if we get too much into it so i feel a little bad bringing it up #i also feel like when i do get new information abt something in my past it always makes me have a crisis #so maybe its just not worth it ? #bc i do feel like im in a rly good place rn and i dont need to know if i was 'abused' whatever that means #what i do know is bad enough and makes me sad as it is #i think the reason i get so paranoid abt it is because i have trouble remembering the stuff that has been told to me #and some vague things i do remember have been refuted ? so i cant rly trust my own memory #but idk if i can trust anyone else either #i mean i do trust my mom generally but shes so emotional and guilt-prone that im not sure what to believe #what i do know for sure is that there is a lot shes holding back in terms of what shes told me #which i dint love tbh #personal

[tenpixelsusie]

a heem heem whimper

#GOD. i miss him saurr bad 💔 #i still see a lotta ppl hating on him and while he did feel a bit unnessecary as a love interest i genuinely found ron charming #LIKE. GUY FROM RIVAL COMPANY. HIM AND REAGAN'S RIVALRY IN EP 1??? i wish they kept that for longer and had them be idk. #enemies @ first then sort of rivals then do the relationship #...but maybe that's the point. maybe it's the fact that they went into it too soon. they didn't take much time to get to know eachother- #past their little adventure in bohemian grove. maybe they should have gone on a few dates first idk?? #ron and reagan were never gonna work out. but that doesn't mean that ron wasn't a bad character. it just meant he wasn't right for reagan #she found a good distraction from rand raising hell on the company!! (they could have kept rand's villain arc on screen for longer tbh) #anyways. i love ron so much. i wish they could have kept him in the show... but maybe he's happier in appleton. #he loved reagan with all of his heart but their jobs were holding them back. they knew that. #...it's a bit sad that he didn't get much screentime BUT when he did he was just really cool #the show was focusing more on working through the main development of the characters and plot!! i get that!! but if there was 10 episodes - #in p2 instead of 8 it would have been pretty epic to have ron have screentime w/o reagan #SORRY FOR THE RANT I HAVE A LOTTA FEELINGS AB HIM ♡♡♡ #anyways i want him. #ron staedtler

[doyeons]

i think maybe there’s a bit of misery swirling around in me

#bella.txt #like.. idk no one i talk to here besides classmates who r younger than me and i don’t spend time w/ them outside of class #and like in my head i’m like ‘i wanna go home’ but then j go home and my loved ones r all spread out #i either see my parents + hazel but im isolated from everyone else #or i go where i can see my friends and do more but i have to be in my sister’s space which is suffocating 😭 #um not to mention my childhood dog is dead and i feel her absence all over again when i think abt going home #i hate to be overly dramatic but i rly miss her i can’t believe such a big piece of my life is gone forever #like we got her ashes back while i was home and i was just holding the box like. wtf do u mean my babygirl is in here. #i just UGHHHH i feel weird and impermanent rn. i don’t have a place i belong

[hecksupremechips]

Actually cry so goddamn hard when I think about Shinjiro Aragaki healing and being loved and having to learn to be okay with himself and being taken care of

#writing him has just been like. OOOOWOEOEOEOOE i piss tears i cant handle this shit this gay ass shit #i came up with an idea for just like a cute short one shot i wanna do soon and hnnnghh im so emo about it #very healing its like very hard to write some of the shit im gonna be writing cuz basically #some of it is just a little too real man and while i crave the angst and the drama i am just like #AND THEN EVERYONE HOLDS HANDS AND ITS OKAY PLEASE DONT CRY PLEASE #and ive mentioned how shinji has accidentally become nb to me now because i just kinda happened to write him that way without meaning to #and now another thing im noticing is that in my fic hes kinda bpd coded #it definitely wasnt intentional but now im accepting it as truth no one can stop me #i just really need him to be happy its more important to me than anything else man i need it for me #and he needs to be gay with aki they need to kissy and i think its funny cuz even in the parts where shinji is mad at aki and pushing him #away its like. he kinda has it bad lol and its clear he feels no actual hatred towards aki but more just self deprecation because he doesnt #feel good enough and like idk i just think about their respective roles in society like #aki is an honor student star boxer hero very attractive very kind very popular got adopted by a rich family #hes going places you know meanwhile shinji is a drop out who never had a family ever hes homeless hes sketchy hes on drugs #his reputation couldnt be any worse and he just leans into it and feels he has no future and hes worthless garbage #and aki could literally have anyone he wants you know he has an army of girls pining over him but he doesnt want them #HE WANTS SHINJI AND NO ONE ELSE HE SPENDS YEARS CHASING AFTER HIM #and shinji HATES it hes trying so hard to push him away and be the crusty delinquent and make aki see how worthless he really is #but aki just doesnt stop he loves him so much makes me sick SICK #and shinji really loves him back hes like not gonna shut up ever about aki hes like either doing it in a gay ass annoyed way #or hes like ‘haha omg aki is so cute though hes always trying so hard to be tough but hes just so sweet and gentle you know i hope he #doesnt push himself too hard if he got hurt id fall apart hes so silly i hope hes eating good i desire him carnally’ #yeah sorry gamers this is just a pairing i cant be normal about they mean so much to me personally the fate of the world rests upon them

[musical-chick-13]

.

#idk it's just really frustrating to think that people will ALWAYS make allowances for people they're romantically in love with but #not make those same allowances for someone else they otherwise care about. #that people will risk things for their partners that they wouldn't for their friends #that it's EXPECTED for you to prioritize your spouse/significant other/etc. at all times but prioritizing your friend(s) is rarely even #considered. and when you're like me and you LITERALLY CANNOT DO THIS SHIT BY YOURSELF... #like I know I go on and on about marrying some theoretical woman all the time (and my ongoing...whatever this is. with Musician Guy) #but genuinely I'm not even sure that I want that I think I just want someone who will fucking visit me in the hospital if I get into a car #crash or fix me soup when I'm sick. #like...yeah. in that one story I wrote I think I distilled it down: we all just want someone to hold us when we're sad #and it SUCKS that the only avenue we seem to be allowed to pursue that is through a romantic relationship #right now I have my dad but if something happens to him...I genuinely do not know what I'm going to do. I'll have nowhere to go #if something terrible happens. I'll have no one to help me be a person. and I just. like I really am going to just have to power through #the next 60 years on this fucking planet alone and by god I'll fucking do it but I wish I didn't have to!!!! #and I think this was why the loss of Her™ friendship (which was necessary. for both of us) was so acutely painful. because even after #she got married she WAS willing to prioritize me when things got bad enough. she DID genuinely care about me in a way I don't think #anyone ever has. and I just really don't think I'll ever find that ever again. and I can't go back and I don't WANT to be with her anymore #but it was this time of the year when she told me she was getting married way back when and my brain has kept that like the World's Worst #Anniversary and all of those terrible ugly feelings are coming back in full force and I HATE that I'm still unpacking this I. HATE. that #this not-even-relationship is STILL doing this to me #WHAT THE FUCK!!! IS UP WITH THAT!!!!!! #*sigh* okay for REAL I am logging off right now because I've already said Too Many Embarrassing Personal Things about myself today #and I do not want to put myself in a position to say anymore! #In the Vents #GOD this is so stupid IT'S NOT LIKE SOMEBODY DIED WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS

[evansbby]

I WANNA HEAR ABOUT THE DREAM TELL ME

OKAY SO

I’m gonna say it in the tags cos it’s less embarrassing ajdjsjsjka

#basically chris and his movie crew came to my university #bc he was making a movie and starring in it and he was holding auditions at my university #the audition was only girls #me and my bestie came late bc we thought the auditions started later #but they still let us have a go #and we were the only ones who aced our audition #like for some reason chris and his crew were marking everyone as if it was an exam lmfao #and Chris was a strict marker idk I guess he cared a lot about his movie #cos he gave every other girl low grades #but meeee he gave me full marks!!! #and my friend too but whatever #anywyas we finished our audition and sat next to him while the rest of the auditions happened #except I kept talking to him and he kept talking to meee #to the point where he was ignoring the other auditions and I was secretly loving it #knowing all the other girls hated me 😂😂😭😭 #and I was flirting with him sooo much and he was flirting back #and I knew he liked me more than my friend too like I could FEEL it and it was so real 😂😂😭😭 #and then he said he’d give me a lift home in his car #and I was like bITCH YES?!?! (just me not even my friend) #and I remember leaving the building and all the other girls were sooooo jealous mwahahaha #and then it fucking ENDED FUCK URJCSIJXJSJSJS #but yeah #soo cute and I’m afraid I’m in love with him again #anon

[meat-wentz]

two tragic lyrics that sum up my familial pain:

“your mother wouldn’t approve of how my mother raised me but i do, i finally do”

“he had the same first name as my dad and myself and i hate that i hated it”

like really and truly a shot to my heart, the agony of the trauma of youth and looking back as an adult and understanding your childhood self on the basis that you hated the bits of yourself that your parents and grandparents gave you of themselves and you did this for so many reasons: for acceptance from others, for rejection of your family, for fear of being cast out by accepting those parts, that perhaps your individuality was compromised, perhaps your only value was in those bits in the first place rather than parts of the people that loved you that deserved embrace. and that now, as an adult, you regret ever having felt that way, you wonder if it’s too late to express how thankful you are to have those parts, to carry them with you, to have them engraved in your being. it fucking hurts, man. to be so proud of something you once viewed with such disdain, and wondering if there’s ever a way to go back and attempt to let your family know it means so much to you, to erase all the shame attached to your youth and return that love and hope it means the same as it could have back then.

#idk just like i have such complex emotions about being a mixed kid #but i hate that i let everyone get to me all the way up into my 20’s that my asianness was #a novelty at best and a target painted on my back at worst #that i spent so much of my youth wishing away the name of my grandparents who had been interned #wishing away the face that was my mother’s that was her mother’s #wishing away the food they made me and the clothes they gave me #because i hate that more than anything as a child i just wanted to be more white #i wished that my japanese half would vanish #i would try to hide it as best i could #but now i feel the regret so deep in my soul i want to hold my mother’s face in my hands and scream thank you #i don’t know how to do that #i don’t know how to express that love #frank iero #mitski #lyrics analysis #text #your best American girl #9-6-15

[popponn]

rin and his feeling about "rin's similarity to sae" is so interesting but confusing

#like this guy states that he hates how his face is similar to his bro #i don't think he is lying about this part #but before the snowy night does he think like that too? #in his spin off novel it was very clear rin get compared to sae a lot and that he is in shadows a lot too #sae even said it in the main manga during their match off (tho im not sure if he really MEANS it) #(like he could be but i feel like there is something more there) #but back to rin. you can't just ignore how much he idolizes sae #you don't just walk out from that. even when he thinks sae was about to acknowledge him his eyes SHINE #doe eyed rin made a come back there so #do you really think he will truly hate being similar to his brother? someone he admires and hold dear for years #the anger is there yes. but the love is clearly still there too #itoshi brothers pls end happily im way too infested already #babblings #i know i said isagi posting but let me have this just for a minute #because like hc but rin might have a mixed feeling if someone said #“oh your face is not too similar to sae actually” like #at first i think he will preens. but yeah mixed feeling i think will describe it better #probably in a further chara development he will takes it casually. but now? yeah no way that's a complex there #when will i walk out bllk hell idk man i would like to know to actually

[the-somwthing]

[ someone saying flower husbands was toxic in an analysis of Jimmy ] boo ur wrong 🙄

[ someone saying flower husbands was toxic in an analysis of Scott ] OMG!! SO TRUE 😭

#I don’t know wtf is wrong with me LOL #does this mean that I imagine that from Jimmy pov he’s like ‘Scott’s teasing is fine’ while from Scott pov it’s like ‘omg I’m so mean 2 him’ #I’m not really sure what my problem is. I mean I am a fh stan okay I hate when ppl say it was toxic #but then someone makes some sort of character analysis with Scott and uses toxic fh in it I’m suddenly like ‘no way this is so deep’ #but then when they do it with Jimmy I’m like ‘u rlly think Jimmy couldn’t handle that 🙄’ LOL #IDK WHAT IT IS!!!!! and to be clear if ur Jimmy character analysis has toxic fh in it that’s fine. it might not be for me but who knows #maybe I’d like it anyway #I have a pretty open mind I’d say #also fanfics based around fh being toxic is cool imo I just hate when the only thing ppl have to say about fh is ‘it’s toxic’ brother they #were the first to fall in love in a world full of death and betrayal. the canary and the stars above. the one who on average performs worst #and the one who on average performs best (aside from when he was with Jimmy). but back then they couldn’t have known. it was so innocent #Scott probably does wish he was nicer to Jimmy but it’s too late for that now. Jimmy doesn’t hold it against him. but it’s too late #for him to care about their past either

[dykedragons]

bro talking w other queer + autistic ppl is rlly a healing thang... like at work im usually pretty quiet and masking all the time but then i met an acquaintance who also works there (different department, i never see them) and it was like oh yeah! haha! im alive again! i remember how to speak! amazing!

#ramblies #LIKE i came ALIVE my coworkers were like holy shit u actually can socializejkgdfnjfdkjdfngds #like from college -> my place of employment was tonal whiplash just bc of the demographic of students vs employees #and the demographic rlly isnt even THAT different form me regularly but its just My Department where im an odd one out #which is ok! like all things my coworkers r totally cool people and i do get along with them! i just dont know how to hold a conversation! #gosh i do love my job though like most days its just. at worst its kinda #boring. its very nice..... i rlly hope i get hired again next year #idk my inferiority complex gets the better of me a lot and im like ''nah everyone hates me'' even though some ppl show up and like #barely fuckin do anything. like at least i TRY. i havent. broken anything. i havent started any drama. idk #i just feel like i dont do ''enough'' but of course i feel that way bc my entire team is way more qualified and enthusiastic abt the work #than i am bc this is a Completely Different Thang than what i normally do. but my coworkers know this as well #but yea im hopign to come back! im rlly grateful for this job bc i thought i wouldnt get hired and even if i did that i wouldnt #be capable of doing the work. but. HERE I AM! and im doing pretty ok! im enjoying it!

[widevibratobitch]

.

#vent post uwu havent seen those in a while have we <33 #looks like a depressive episode again #aw shucks #:/ #laid in bed all day. did absolutely nothing. slept for 18 hours. #havent washed my hair since saturday. havent taken my thyroid meds in three days so idk that may have sth to do with this too ig #my flat is a total mess and im ignoring all uni groupchats (uni itself as well) and non-groupchats too. #only pretending im Normal to my best friend even tho she explicitly asked me to tell her when im feeling Bad and she does reach out to me #with her problems but i just cant bring myself to talk to her about mine #also i miss my ed so badly i need it back desperately. and i mean DESPERATELY. #anyway. something is seriously seriously wrong with me rn. like fr. #and i still haven't found the earring kms #had a bit of a ✨strongly suicidal✨ moment yesterday like it really made me go Wowwwwww girl hold yer horses cause yeah. #we havent seen that one in a while either #(no matter what my evil poll tags might have said lmao). anyway. absolutely horrible last two days. #and i once again feel like the worst and most useless and most disgusting person in the world. #my body is trash and there's nothing in this world that i hate more than it. i wish it would just. evaporate. whatever. #i hate it with a passion. peace and love.

[starswallowingsea]

finding the split opinions on the new alk mv interesting

#the line is almost tattsunPs vs everyone else #not even alkPs as a whole bc if they dont have a preference for tattsun it kinda shows #like tatsumiPs seem to like it a lot more and got more out of it than everyone else #amopdfiasd. it is kinda underwhelming for a climax event but like. idk man dreaming ocean felt kinda disconnected from #the actual fine story they told so its not like its an alk problem they're just slightly more obvious cuz its a holiday themed #but its a good moment for tattsun and i think other than maybe being disappointed it wasnt more cinematic #or showed more hints at overall ALK growth... i think it does good for tatsumi esp vocals wise #also do not pull the 'it doesnt sound like alkaloid' when sustain memories by undead is right there #they do all sorts of genre bending with the unit events who cares if tatsumi's song is disco #but yeah its like. tatsumiPs loved it and everyone else hated it its kinda funny #im a tatsumiP so i loved it. im holding myself back from defending it every 30 seconds i swear #shay speaks