#idk when itll go away

[nobody-expects-the-inquisitorius]

I think I’m okayish now but everything feels so weird

#idk how to describe it. just weird #‘what would he want you to do’ #not hide in the garden that’s one thing #???? girl it’s raining why are you sitting on the grass come inside and have some chocolate #he always bought me chocolate when I was a kid #when my parents went out he’d come and stay overnight with us #Days I Could Stay Up Late™️ #I wish I was still that age. #i’m a uni as good as this because of him #last time I saw him was star wars celebration. he said he’d think about saving up for japan. now i’ll never go with him #I was waiting until he got back to tell him about me crashing the car #he’d have died laughing and then given me 2728153 unhelpful driving tips #ironic thing is my mum and my other uncle who lives down the road had a massive falling out years ago #and he’s been trying to decrease the awkwardness between them ever since with varying success #and yeah. you can imagine what happened yesterday #if ghosts are real his is definitely fistpumping about getting them to talk #its like everything stopped for a moment yesterday and now its started again #and im distracting myself but its still at the back of my mind #idk when itll go away

[mllenugget]

Hey remember when Baghera adopted Dapper like 8 months ago or did I make that up ? ────────────────────────────────────────── Support all the admins that spoke out (& do your daily click) ──────────────────────────────────────────

#idk why on earth i gave baghera knuckles- when i say i turn my brain off when I draw i mean it #i only noticed it after i was done with the shading and it jumpscared me #got me stuttering in confusion i have never drawn anthro arms/wings this way these dont even look like feathers wtf me ?? #..... sooo looks like ive got a new wa-cats type of fandom on my hands #as in i am still very emotionally attached to the memories i have from this no matter what i do itll keep coming back #but i havent read the books in several years nor do i plan to anymore and looking back i am so angry and disgusted #but also im still blown away by the creativity and the passion the fandom builds on its own #i wanted to go ahead and finish any art that ive been working on for the past almost year and decided this one would be the most fitting #i learnt last week that only the first 20 tags on an original post will show up in tumblr searches #and I think im going to take advantage of that #because i dont want to hype the server anymore and i have decided i will no longer be adding my watermark on top of my work #and i was going to refrain from tagging it because i dont want my related posts to show up #before remembering that some of my mutuals who ive been chatting to for years now #have these fandoms blacklisted #so im going to test it and hope it works #im still going to tag the characters i love though because i wanna show support to the actors and i wish them nothing but the best #baghera fanart #pomme fanart #dapper fanart #dappleduo #my art #mcyt #qsmp #fandom neg #tag this however you want #yap yap yap yap tlddr

[retconomics]

When will my appetite come back from the front lines...

#i dont understand whats going on havent wanted to eat for a week now. like i still do but... #idk im used to finding such joy in food and now its like 'huh. a ripe avocado. i dont want it at all but if i dont eat it itll go bad' #WHEN IN TRUTH A RIPE AVOCADO IS ONE OF LIFES GREAT TREAUSRES??? #and its like this for EVERYTHING i dont get it.. #combine that with random waves of mild nausea and its like 'processes sure are occuring in my body. wonder what it means' #i dont get it normally i can put away 2k calories EASY and enjoy it. but now if i hit 1600 its a good day #nvm trying to also get yummy delicious veggie mass or hit a protein goal

[arts-i-enjoy]

AHHHHHH

#this post brought to you by: me #i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses #i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP #like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready #anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT #and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk #and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message #even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL #AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!! #i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year #i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17? #ive had a good well paying job since i was 18. #AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job #which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind #so theres no point staying here. #i might never have this kind of job security again. #but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something #on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now #on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT #but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to #richard started yelling and swearing el oh el #might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible? #but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option #the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going #idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks #this is why i want to get out of here #also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about #not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey! #if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog #didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move #across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s #so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help #with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the #location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright #colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird #like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the #southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December #it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but #i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and #jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen #im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and #the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier #for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy #but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked #up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents #r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes #better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book #like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭 #so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-] #unrelated

[creekfiend]

I booked a flight today to go pick up Flare next month... March 23... 😱😭🥺 aaaaa. Next week the house cleaning/organizing stuff starts and week after that the yard stuff will hopefully be done... it's REAL

I am having many feelings. I'm excited. But also really sad? Idk. Idk idk

#im happy and excited bc. i want to meet flare. and see my friends and their doggies #but also it feels like. moving further away from lambchop. and admitting that shes gone in a really final way #which makes me really really sad. #but also like lingering endlessly in depressionland will not make her come back #HATE THAT. WOULD BE CONVENIENT IF THAT WORKED #hhhhhhh #itll be about 6 months since she died when i bring flare home... man. idk. weird feels. #i guess anything even a little related to ur dog dying is always gojng to be weird and sad!!!!! #but man its weird n sad. #and im like lowkey afraid to have a dog again. i mean i have a dog. but ella is like. she just wants to sleep lol #like a dog i can go places with and a dog who wants to really interact and do things... a young dog #IM AFRAID OF TRAGIC SHIT HAPPENING ALL THE TIME NOW #blargh #spricie

[asterbats]

drew my new kitten as a “warmup” but have to stop here because shes being a rascal

#her name at the shelter was pog btw. like the game but now her full name is cricket pogchamp #cat #cricket #pets #artists on tumblr #drew some blue in her eyes. bad at picking colors from irl that much but shes got a very small blue ring in there still #though shes close to having her regular eyes. i think they will be yellow? #i love her but whew cant wait til shes big......... will probably update what she looks like #tried to make her look deliberately worried with her whiskers btw. she seems sad but she was abnormally snuggly on day 1 #she cried in the carrier and hid under my drawer for like 5 minutes then instantly got to exploring and 1 hour in she showed her belly #which. im a first time cat owner but im told thats absolutely insane for a kitten on day 1 #shes already sleeping on me and stuff and snuggling next to me.... playing w her is the hard part bc lack of energy #idk if itll ever be enough for her but i am trying! i want her to be happy. also i think rn she mostly likes me when im sitting #otherwise she darts away when i walk around. i think bc im like this weird giant to her #oh also shes apparently just tiny? bc her mom was small too so she'll probably grow up to be a small cat #everyones going on abt how my aunts cats were bigger at her age sdklfjsdlfds (8 weeks almost 9!)

[surrender-souls]

what does this even mean i feel like maybe im being stupid but florida doesnt border mexico

#also how was he born in miami if . he was also born in nevada. THOSE ARE FAR AWAY #and like can we say oh maybe when he died as emir he got reborn in miami cause he died in philly #what. #what was going on in miami we got garcian being born there. kevin getting his sad backstory of killing his gay lover. idk #other things probably. #i speak #killer7 #kill the past #honestly the stuff in the 50s confuses me so bad i. i just kinda attempt to not think to hard #cause itll kill me

[mechawolfie]

i dont like when all the fears of the day ball into one big Ball Of Sad at night. not fun.

#smudgy.txt #.vent #idk whats wrong i was coping so well today (avoiding thinking abt my problems by #focusing on character writing instead) #its so frustrating when u just dont know what else to do. so u just.. do nothing. #but that doesnt make it go away!!!! grr!!!!! #u know what else is fucking frustrating. the 'my friends dont like me' feeling #not going away even when u have fun w ur friends. its not FAIR #its not fair knowing for a fact there is nothing uniquely wrong w u #yet at the end of the day u cry thinking abt all the ways ur existence was a fuck up #its not fair knowing ur allowed to hurt but feeling like a lazy pos for it anyway #ive spent so many days locked up in this room BECAUSE LEAVING IT MAKES ME FEEL #REALLY BAD!!!!!!! AND IM TRYING TO FUCKING GET EVEN A CRUMB OF ENERGY!!!!!!! #and i feel soooo terrible horrible like a wretched person for it #and itll just never end. itll never end. lord i am so tired

[s0fter-sin]

i still don’t know how i feel about the hazbin hotel trailer, purely animation wise. it looks almost too clean? to the point that it almost looks seperate from itself? the characters don’t feel like they’re in the same world as background, it looks like they were put in after and like they’re on a completely different plane to each other and can’t touch. you compare it to the pilot and everything looks the same, the style and movement feel consistent and realistic

#im saying this both as a non artist and non animator so i might be talking completely out of my ass but hey what else is tumblr for #the characters feel posed in front of the background? instead of existing in the world #like when angel is drinking in front of the open door so u can see the city it feels like hes in front of a green screen #compare that to opening the door to see alastor in the pilot #maybe it has something to do with the sharper colours or maybe its an outline thing again idk shit all #obviously this is just going off the trailer #maybe when theres more of it itll feel more connected #but i really liked the roughness of the pilot #it didnt feel unfinished or poorer made it felt like an art style #and im not sure i like how theyve stripped that roughness away #know what i mean? #coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt #hazbin hotel #stay tuned

[musashi]

.

#wordy wendy #gently requests to pls be patient with me right now i think my brain is. getting bad #i keep getting ghost notifs on discord #like channels lighting up and i check and no new messages #my posts are getting ghost notes. like itll say theres replies/reblogs when there isnt #i havent blocked anyone recently ive checked and double checked #if it was just one social media id think perhaps it was glitch but its. all the ones i frequent so i think im going crazy #yhis happens sometimes. i dont know why ots happening now idk what could be triggering it #(except for maybe some stress im not comfortable mentioning on my main) #UHHHH does anyone else have hallucinations like this because every time it happens it trips me up #i think it makes sense becauze most of my trauma is based around social media but like #its so fucking weird #anyways i am going to be avoiding the notes of my posts for a while because taking notes of it is not helping me #so if you wanna talk to me pls send an ask!! #afaik my asks are not ghosting. i havent gotten any weirdness there #dw abt discord i cant stau away from there even if i tried gkskdk #also pls like if you read

[girlwithfish]

nervous prey animal rn

#charge from the store showed up 2x on my bank app nd ik its cuz i fucked up the transaction bc i took my card out too soon nd he had to do #it ayain bur i wanted to make sure itll go away or idk bc i had anxiety abt it so i went hack in to ask n make sure nd om embarrassed. and #jm embarrassed i was there for like an hr just browsing bc i was the only person in the store besides the employee idk why that makesnme #guilty and embarrassed. nd i hit the curb when i drove into a parking spot earlier so im anxiouz driving nd i was on the highway nd it was #anxiety inducing esp after a Bad social interaction in my head nd idk 💀this is sooo funny #also why id it so dark in raleigh lol #Cld not see shit #And #i bought hoth cds fuck it haha treating myself so i dont kill myself. #even tho financially that is irresponsible 😹😹😹i said i wldnt spend anymore.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sometimes u have a day thats just so. i cant even. its seems 2023 is my year of rage #directionless rage. i guess im mad at me but instead of being directed inward it just goes out into empty space #im just fucking. im at my saturation point #its a good thing i stopped taking measurements yesterday and went to the store tomorrow bc im so fucking #mostly bc i noticed a problem with the code for a paper that is fucking less than a day away from being locked in on acceptance #and now its like fucking i have to go through and change a lot and im also less than 48hrs away from another massive project starting #that will occupy my whole fucking waking nightmare of a life. so its a good thing im level headed. its a good thing i can accept my fuck #ups with honestly. bc im so fucking. ive had it. im up to fucking here with everything and i just want it to be done #im fucking full of bitterness and black bile and i want to break things. and whose fault is it? fucking mine #bc im too fucking exhausted constantly all the time to fucking pay attention to what im doing and notic that a fucking function isnt #working properly. fuck u fuck u fuck u. so what r we gonna do abt it? #idk well see what my boss says. i already texted her that news and its good bc at least i caught it but god its so fucking irritating #god. will i b told off for this? maybe. i probably deserve it. haha if so that will send me for an absolute tailspin. i cannot stand to #feel ive done something wrong. even when i kno i have. last time i had a total freakout meltdown and made v bad choices and that wasnt even #this bad. so its a good thing im currently fairly stable bc the desire to make bad choices is very strong #im just so sick and tired of everything and i want to let things implode bc im vindictive against myself. but we must not do that we must #be reasonable. so idk we may have to withdraw the paper. whatever i dont give a fuck. itll get accepted elsewhere. i dont fucking care #leave me alone to dissolve into the dirt and set my data ablaze to be helpful to no one. erase my Prospective impack. i don't fucking care #anyway today sucked. i might have to stay up all night trying to fix this. ensuring that i fuck up the start of the looming project yayyyyy #i hate it here. i stopped having fun over a year ago #itll b fine. im just fucking. im full im impotent rage #unrelated

[nomaishuttle]

i worked onmy ermmm. little good habits reward sheet a lot .. im pretty excited :] i was gonna wait to start it until ive moved home bc a lot of the things r home specific (like spending time with loved ones etc) BUT i think im gonna go ahead n start it tmrw... i think itll be good to go ahead n get started on it b4 i move back that way its not such a big transition bc i think thats why my like. plans t get better when i moved up here. failed. so horrifically lol. bc i didnt give myseld any lead in i just made a huge change and then got upset when i didnt immediately adjust.

#i do eventually wanna move back to wa on my own bc i feel like. i didnt rly get to spend time here due to the everything. i just dont think #i was at all ready. and thats entirely on me i chose this i ignored literally everybody around me telling me it wasnt a good idea #i brought this all on myself. but i wanna try n improve #n im excitedd!! i think next year/whenever im Fr ready. im gonna try n move out to my old hometown #since my family moved away from it #which i think will be rly nice bc ill like. be independeny but in a familiar place and like. still close to home. ill still be able t have #the same insurance etc etc.. #itll get rid of a Lot of stressors basically. and ill be able to visit family way easier !! #plus my hometown is way more walkable and since. idk if ill ever be able t drive just bc of like. my general nature #thats something im rly rly looking for... #i think my new goalsheet is rly well balanced as well. its likee #its based on thise little metallic walmart star stickers bc i miss those rly bad #thats the entire inspo. obv rn itll have to be digital bc i cant get my little star stickers #but. its like a points system #red is 5 points yellow is 3 points green is 2 points and blue is 1 point #(might move them around to make green 5 points bc green was my star color when i was little lol) #and each point is worth .50 cents. and so however many points i have at the end of the week thats how much money i get t have in my like #personal acct. and i get to use that however i want #and everything else will go to likee. savings and bills (i wont have bills for a while but yk) #and i even have likee. a streak system #i need to work on that sl its like balanced. bc idk if it is rn #my idea was t just have it be like. bc th way it is like #the tasks r split up by difficulty. more difficult tasks earn different colors #so my most difficult on there rn is to go for a walk #/ go to a public place / spend time outside #rly that goal is rly geared toward my hometown but im still gonna try n do it in my parents town... yk :] like i can ask my mom t take me #to th library and stuff. bc i wanna start going more #we went to th one here a couple times but it kinda got. shelved. yk. and i miss it #the one in ny hometown was rightt by our house and i never went #and im mad abt kt.

[godsfavoritescientist]

I have a draft saved somewhere talking about my classpect headcanons for everyone, I really need to finish that sometime so people can see where I'm coming from when I say "fidds is a mage of rage". I have Ford down as a prince of light, stan as a thief of time, and bill as a lord of hope, but I think those are a liiittle bit more self explanatory

#classpecting #<-a homestuck personality/narrative role classification system for those who dont know #godsrambles #rage is the aspect of doubt. meaninglessness. of tearing things down when they arent working. #do you see my thinking here. fidds as thr opposing force to bill. doubting the project. trying to stop it. #inventing a device that literally takes away memories. things that give context and meaning to ones life #and then being stuck with narrative meaninglessness for decades #during which time he most fully embodied the aspect of rage. like. #even the clown/jester themes of rage sort of apply during most of the show. bc of his role as a joke character for so long #idk how to sum it all up in a post. but yeah #and then with bill. hope is about endless possibilities. imagination. feeling like you can do Anything with no restrictions #which fits really well with his whole deal. like inspiring ford. 'lie until youre not lying anymore.' wanting there to be no rules. #never growing up in all his milennia of existence. playing pretend to trick people. literally existing inside dreams. being whimsical #and the 'lord' class is the most powerful destructive one of all. #so yknow. wielding the hope aspect and everything it represents. as a destructive force. it fits him so well #when i write a full post i'll go over my thoughts on all the classpects. i just know itll take longer than i'd like #to write it all out and then make it concise enough to be readable

[marklikely]

also idk if this means anything but i remember seeing a bunch of mcu movies w my parents when i was in high school and we would always go opening weekend sunday, and the theatres would be pretty full for just about every movie. but that time i snuck in to doctor strange 2, the most hyped mcu movie in years, it was opening weekend sunday and the theatre had like maybe 8 people max

#that could be the death of theatres or whatever but i doubt it #considering the next weekend and the weekend after that i saw eeaao in mostly full rooms. #avpost #im saying idk if it means much cause it could have just been bc theres so many more showings now #like back when i saw thor 2 w my parents it would have only been like 5 showings a day so the showings would have been more full #vs doctor strange 2 which was hogging up every screen so there were like. 15? showings a day #so yeah it could be some other factor but idk it feels like general interest in the mcu is waning #and if they keep trying to push these big event movies while people are getting less interested itll lead to fatigue and piss people off #if i was a creative who made these kinds of decisions id like. idk advise backing off #do like one big event movie a year. #with like two tv shows maybe. #just as like a business move. #you gotta leave em wanting more how can they miss you when you won't go away etcetc