#idk what i'm trying to say abt that but i hate lying but i often hide i think w certain stuff. i don't run but | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sothischickshe · 4 years

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4 + 16 + 8 ?????????????

4. Number of 'wips' that are just totally never getting written, let's face it?

All right, coming in vicious straight out the gate 😂

Well I suppose this depends on what constitutes a WIP, as at this moment I am working on exactly zero things, and have exactly zero words written of any of the in progress things (unless you count the series or stories im planning to update, but then I can't say they're 'totally never getting written', cos they exist in part already innit), and exactly zero notes bout any of them either, beyond the (terrible) lil list I 'helpfully' wrote of all the things I want to write.

So if I conclude that I have zero wips, then the answer must be ha ha zero n a big fuck u to the q.

However, particularly for the parts of the series/stories I plan to update but also some of the others, I think doing some thinking on them probs counts as in progress, maybe???

All right, so of the remaining 10 things on this list (just neatly ticked off item 1: genie au, thanks), I'm hopeful abt getting to most of them TBH! The ones I'm least sure abt are i. The abortion one ii. 'car' (?) and iiii. Beth and rio as horrible pretentious anglophiles (this one's just a bad idea).

So like... 3ish? But idk, a couple of them I've wanted to write for ages eg the band au, but I don't think that means I won't? I just haven't quite worked it all out, and there's other stuff I've wanted to write first. But on the opposite hand the list keeps growing so some stuff, particularly the three I mentioned, will probably keep getting bumped down the list... But then the longer they hang around the more attached to them I may get/the better the ideas might bake into something usable (or even combine!)

So in conclusion, a number between 0 and 4 I reckon, though dependent on how you define a WIP.

16. Favourite thing to fixate upon that is not your fic that you opened to work on?

Hahaha, well I try to set aside time to work on something, so that this doesn't happen, but also if I'm not enthusiastic about it, I don't think forcing myself is really gonna help. Also my computer is a pile of poop so I can barely have two things open which kind of helps??

But lately I have been finding it hard to focus on one thing at a time, so often I'll find my thoughts drifting to work stuff or like some completely nonsensical theory I've just made up or stuff I gotta do or, so there is much to fixate on!

And also the problem i have when editing is that reading my own writing kind of relaxes my brain cos I know what's gonna happen (duh) and then I'll suddenly drift into a new story idea and just be staring into space and just like oh no oh dear not now brain shhhh

And the OTHER problem I have when editing is im like w8 is that a word? Am I using it right? CAN you verb it? Wait is this essentially french, do Americans even use it?? Oh, is there a better word for this actually??? What IS that fucking thing called???? And then I go look it up and then I end up falling into a Wikipedia hole where I just end up yelling abt how much I fucking hate the English language

8. What is AU you doing right now? Do you hate them?

Well generic AU me is probably not hiding from a wasp. She probably also doesn't live above essentially stagnant water, with the windows wide open, isn't getting surprised the same way I do somehow every year by the summer insect sitch, despite having had really only short breaks from living near stagnant water throughout my life. Bet she didn't somehow inexplicably forget to eat breakfast, and then get extremely confused at being hungry n lethargic all morning and just shrug. If she was also gifted a tbf boss ass special pet hair Dyson, she's strong enough to screw open the (fkn terrible) plastic bolts on the bottom of the thing, and can divest it of the insane quantity of her own hair the bristles catch from it properly, rather than lying it down and having to do that from the outside like a lunatic.

On the other hand, whenever she tidies, maybe she doesn't find random baggies of remnants!???

And yes I hate that bitch!!! She should come help this grimy one 😭

#Ah #I see im in a verbose mode #All right #This is the week for vacuum chat apparently #Look at me counting n shit!!!#Lovin the multiples of 4 vibes!!!#Fanfiction #Fanfic #On writing #Writing

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shxxtingstarss · 2 years

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therapy no. 24

I feel horrendous, yet I still have to write this stuff down, otherwise I'm pretty sure I'll forget abt most of it. On another note tho: how tf can I lack (emotional) permanence this badly? Like how is it even possible that yesterday I was 100 % sure about moving out of our shared flat and today I'm sitting here in my friend's apartment (alone) and am crying my eyes out bc I think it's a bad idea, bc I miss my boyfriend (or just human contact/cuddles/someone who can be there for me??idk) and bc I feel like I'm going full crazy.

*tw suicide* why did I f*cking cancel my last suicide attempt four years ago, I would've died if I hadn't gone to the hospital and I wouldn't have to endure this much more of all the pain and suffering and symptoms and conflict and fucking life.

So, yesterday was the last therapy session for this month bc my therapist is gone for 3 weeks (2 weeks of vacation, 1 week of further education). It was a lot better than last week, I could talk and think more clearly. We talked about the whole living-together or moving out thing, he asked what were things or topics that make it hard to live together, I started telling him everything, from the ordinary stuff such as me liking a tidy flat (especially a tidy kitchen and a clean floor etc), to the harder stuff, such as not feeling seen by him (like when I'm talking to him abt something that's important to me and he rarely looks me in the eyes and mostly looks on his phone and even doodles around with it while I'm still talking - even if he listens to me most of the time despite being on the mobile, this feels horrible. My therapist told me there is research on the topic of how we feel not seen or even ignored when there is a mobile just lying next to the human we're talking to, and how it gets worse when that human is holding it in their hand or even looking at it. To me that's crystal clear, my boyfriend didn't want to understand why someone might not like that when I told him about it), feeling misunderstood often, him often shooting down criticism, him being overwhelmed by how bad my mental health is etc up to the point of me feeling like my trust in him has been bruised (e.g. in moments when I didn't want to be touched, told him so and he ignored it bc he wanted a hug or sth?!) and feeling like we're far more apart emotionally than a year or more ago. We also talked about how my boyfriend still is some kind of support for me of course and some kind of stability in my life (my therapist made kind of a joke at that point about how my boyfriend gives me security by making me feel like I have to ask him if it's okay to buy this or that...yeah). And because I fear our relationship might get worse by moving out and might end soon, thinking about that security thing made me feel like I'm in free fall. This is not fun. Not. At. All. It's terrifying.

I also told him about the few hours last week where I felt like I had something as a gut feeling, and that feeling told me to try it. To move out. Because the way it is now it's already horrible enough - I'm currently living in the empty flat of a friend bc that friend is on vacation, and I feel so much more at peace when without my boyfriend around. I still feel horrible, depressed, confused, sometimes agitated, but way less strung and agitated and scared than when I'm back with my boyfriend (went to our shared flat two times this week, only for a few hours, but I got incredibly nervous nevertheless). Do you know about that saying that states that our noses are better than we give them credit for and that attraction also has a lot to do with scent? Well, last time I ended a relationship I couldn't stand the scent of my ex-girlfriend the last weeks before the breakup, I hated her scent and how her breath smelled etc, and I experience the exact same odour and hate and "eww" again now. I don't know if that's bullshit, but even if it is, I hate that scent. It gives me a super-ick. I like the German phrase for this: "Sich gegenseitig (nicht) riechen können".

The problem of feeling like I have no security in life, no social web to fall into whatsoever, can also make me spiral into suicidal thoughts really badly. I had a suicidal crisis of two days last week (and told my therapist about it) and am def thinking about it a lot today. But I'm trying really hard to not let this escalate, seems to work atm, almost didn't work anymore last week, so yeah, it's really not going great.

We've also talked about how I feel like I can't trust my perception and my feelings most of the time, I just thought maybe that's because these can change radically sometimes, but maybe it's the other way around, maybe they just change because I'm constantly doubting them and every other aspect of myself. Well, at least it seems as if it isn't all black-or-white, or not anymore, he mentioned that I like to judghe and sometimes hate myself for that type of thinking, but he highlighted just a few cases of where I definitely had nuances and shades of grey in my thinking.

Close to the end of the session, he kind of asked me the same thing maurice pointed out a few days ago - that it might be good to ask myself what I get from Fabrizio as my partner, what he as a partner is doing good for me. Great moment to think about this now (not), when I texted him earlier to see if he was still awake and he texted me that he's gonna take a shower, I texted back and told him to have a good shower and went on with my breakdown (I wanted to reach out to him and maybe drive back to the shared flat bc I felt so horribly bad) and he texted "what's wrong?" but I didn't see that bc I was crying and not on my phone. Kept on crying and when I got back to my phone 15 mins later, I saw the text + "misses?" + "otay I sweeps now", which made me tear up now bc I felt like he didn't even really care, if I was worried for him and he didn't text me back, I'd call him. I'm pretty sure he knows me well enough to know that I didn't feel so great, and it shows in his messages, just not in his effort to care. I'll still have a lot to think about, this relationship in general probably, and the moving out thing too, even though I was so sure abt it until today. Ugh, life's going... great.

I mean it's nice that I can see bad things about other ppl and not just about me, but it can also be hella confusing and destabilizing, especially when you've basically build your whole current existence/"life" around one person and have to realize that not everything is perfect about that person/relationship, in fact it seems like nothing about this relationship is perfect.

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