#idk if other people know what im talking abt here

[msp9]

THIS IS MY LIKES AND DISLIKES OF CHAOS THEORY ⚠️Spoilers below cut⚠️

When i first finished this season, I too like some people, was skeptical about it. I get why some people say its bad, I just thought it was very different from cc. At points the characters didin't feel like themsleves, the way some of them were written and the designs gave me a real hard time to get used to them. Also i felt as if it was just too much to process at times so i rewatched it and my final answer is that its a good show the pacing is incredeble, the plot, the suspence and character development. i just had a hard time getting used to everything new? Ig. I'm still doubting whether its a 10 but sure thing is that it was a very good first season its a easy 9/10. So here are the thinks i liked abt it:

-THE WAY THEY POTRAYED EVERYONES TRAUMA/STRUGGLES , Sammy having anxiety, Yaz overcoming her ptsd, and KENJI. MY BOY. That must have been the best breakdown i've seen in animated series. Whoever wrote that scene. Wow. It was the best thing in the whole show honestly. His vision gtting blurry, having truble breathing. The panick. Wow. I CANNOT SAY THIS LOUD ENOUGH.

-Ben and Sammy duo? Hello? Im srry to say but you might just be better than Yaz and Ben duo. Idk i really loved them.

- "Benjamin."

- Showing Yaz is doing better. Despite her ongoing struggles, she has clearly grown and matured the last 6 years, and the way she calmed Sammy in the sinking van? Ig all those therapy sessions and college paid off. That scene is a clear illustration of the progress she has made. I mean sammy did say "i can tell shes still struggling" but there wasnt really a clear scene of her getting stuck in place as she used to. So my guess is that it was just Sammys anxiety and the fact that they didint talk much. Bc then Sammy was surprised how she kept herselve together. So yeah

-YASAMMY. NOTHING MORE TO ADD.

-UM SAMMYS CHARACTER?? HELLO? GLOW UP, CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, i loved her sm. She moved up to my top 3.

And her anxiety? It was so well shown too

-the fight between Sammy and Yaz felt so natural and not at all forced. They both had valid points and in the end they did understand each other and were on the same page.

-Ben being Ben in almost every episode

- Yasmina's "boo."

-Brooklynns design?? Majestic to say the least.

- ingore what i said ealrier abt the acting out of character. They do remind themsleves they just grew

Well, all except Ben...

-Kenjis new voice actor, he did a real good job, as much as it doesn't sound like him, he really captured some emotional scenes very well.

- The robot lady. THEY REALLY SAID TAKE A WOMAN AND MAKE HER CREEPY ASF. I was genunanly creeped out. And the detail that at the ranch if u listen closesly u can hear the whistle. Hell nah that was scary.

-Benrius Ben and Darius friendship, okay actually u can't tell me u didint feel it too, the tention between ben and Darius cmon we all know what u are Ben stop making up girlfriends in Europe

-Brooklynn turning bad, or from what we are told worked for bad people ig. Personally as much as it shocked me, im sure theres a good reason as to why and i cant wait to hear more abt in season 2.

-I can now undertand what everyone meant in reviews saying "its more mature" not only in the more death and dinos but it woyud be kind of confusing for a younger audience to undertsand some stuff in this show.

-I really liked Daniels kon death, maybe it wasn't necesarry but im all in for that dark death scene.

-Lastly the comment Sammy makes when Ben asks how bumpy got pregnant, and the yazs smirk. Gurl i was suprised they added that but i loved it

Now, the things that i didint like and why:

- First of all, Darius being in love with brooklynn. I mean i get it but i also dont get it. In my opinion, there shouldn't have been a different reason as to why Darius was the most effected by her death. They were close and she died. Its okay to be really effected by someones death and not bc u liked them, and i also do believe that the reason for him not showing up the night she "died" should have been smth more serious. Then again i get it bc now he felt a lot more guilt bc it was for a not so important reason he didint show up and thats why he didint tell anyone. Well axtually it isnt that bad, but i just felt it was forced for the plot. This again could be bc i started to like kenlynn and now they turned the tables completly but sure.

-Brooklynns voice actor. I just couldn't connect her to brooklynn? She sounded a lot different, not a major bad thing it was just hard to get used to.

-Ben having a gf, or supposedly having one, u telling me this man has a gf:

I thought it funny but yk that man is a homosexual

- and lastly, Brooklynn being alive. This might sound bad but it made sense for her to die. And i was kinda lamed out that she wasnt dead. (Pls ironically enough, just weeks ago i begged for her to be alive.) But like the way everyone suffered bc of her death, going throught the 5 stages of grief, and the way the show was played. It just would have been better if she died, all those flashbacks, the emotional moments, i mean its not gonna be the same when i rewatch it bc i know shes alive. Anyways enough abt this.

Actually i have nothing more to add to my "bad stuff" list but i might come up with smth later. Bc i will be rewatchibg it obviously. Ig lastly i just wanted more episodes how dare they cutting the season of right there.

#jwct #jurassic world chaos theory #yasmina fadoula #jwct spoilers #msp9 yapping

[autistic-damian-wayne-truther]

okay personally im obsessed with kit connors best friend who keep putting him in every tiktok she makes and tagging him cause like if my bsf was in a netflix show i would post them all the time

#idk if other people know what im talking abt here #heartstopper #kit connor #nick nelson #bucket rambles

[lemongogo]

hi

#yall ths art block is so bad its actually making me so stressed out😭😭😭 #its been awful plenty of times before BUT THISSS???IT FEELS NEVER ENDINGGG #so fucking frustrating-__- and i was finally working on smth i had started to like yday #but i hit this mid point where i didnt know How 2 break thru from like .. rough > finished #and im like T__T . brah . head in my hands #IDK WHAT TO DOOOOOOO . < lamenting . < woe is me . #sry i luv talking abt it . its therapeutic tbh . what do u guys do when u are in this position #i also try to go back to basics and j do gesture studies until i feel more capable #but im like shakig the bars of my cage . let me do smt fun again. please ❤️ PLEASEE ❤️ #i think part of it is also imposter syndrome whre like .. u see so many people u look up to doing so many cool things w their art #and its like . falling back into the trap of comparison and feeling like nothing u make can replicate the feeling of seeing those other #things ykwim🤔 #sick in da head . i think its also a twt issue #like ever since i started posting on there ive been feeling like i have 2 make . quote unquote good things which . obviously dookie sentimen #bc any art is objectively good art there isnt like . U CANT BE BAD YKWIM HELP #but when i j posted to tumblr it was like . u send it off like slapping a horse on the ass and u see it ride away and its so lowkey #and fun.. the community here is so muchc fun .. j dont feel pressured here #smiles sweetly #<gi influence #maybe ill delete the app 4 a while until i feel normal again #guys we need to kill all social media #guys we need to go back to drawing sheep on rocks (<giotto ref( #if i had 2 elaborate ig it feels like . i am following the path of most resistance -__- like wading hesdstrong in2 waves that keep pushing #me back . theres so much i want to do Wish i could do but its like damn i can barely draw like two complete things over the course of 2-3 mo #from how HARD IT ISSS🚶and my aphantasia compounds it . fumbling arnd in a dark room hoping smth sticks #graa.. i think its the realization that i couldnt ever do art professionally bc im such an obstinate artist T_T #tbh saying all this now its like looking up in2 the eyes of all my art insecurities looming over me #CASTING 100 FT SHADOWWWW🧍 #whteve . check back on me in 2 months hopefully i feel normal ab it then

[semercury]

Devastating. Song lyrics I was going to use for a fic title were actually misheard and the real ones don't fit as well.

#stuff sarah says #apparently its 'if youre OUT here why do i miss you so much?' not 'if youre RIGHT here why do i miss you so much?' #but right here makes more sense for the context of the story. idk what the hell nates talking abt ever in his songs but #but i want to do a like youre a stranger to me now and youre sitting across from me and i dont know who you are #i want to i miss you please just talk to me look at me give me something some indication that we can be close #but its hard bc the other character hardly recognizes themselves anymore and is basically like if i fail again im going to fucking end it #but instead of saying any of those words theyre both just like smoothies??? smoothies!!! #i really went from 'these two deserve a chill date :)' to 'if people dont fucking cry while reading this then i have failed as an author' #so you know 😗✌️

[vamptastic]

i think my constant seething rage is honestly very reasonable. i literally live in florida.

#got in argument with a guy the other day abt idk. trans athletes #was basically him trying to explain what the issue is to me (i know. that's kinda step one to having an opinion on it.) #and then going yeah huh i guess you're actually right (i was) #and i was like okay great cool we're done here let me go to class and he starts talking about like #how he still loves trump for this and that reason kinda unprompted (sorry you lost an argument dude go introspect somewhere else im LATE) #and i was like yeah idk abt that. on account of all the corruption. and the foreign policy youre saying is like manly macho man strong is #mostly just wildly stupid posturing that's going to achieve nothing at best and world war at worst #and he goes no don't worry i think DESANTIS would be better for 2024 actually #and i. UNDERSTANDBLY. was like oh okay i cannot speak to you (because i am visibly shaking with rage) #and he goes well i think you are misattributing my intentions (cunt.) #and i said no no i don't think you're malicious i just think you're stupid and wildly misinformed #and then left bc i was about to either hit him or start crying (bc that guy has been like very tangibly ruining my life for months #and i genuinely cannot fathom what fucking tax issue or whatever one would value over like. my right to idk. Exist atp. #and also this coming from someone who just tried to be like no i know so many trans people i love trans ppl im not like those conservatives #like try to dig deep down into whatever rotted husk of a brain is left in your skull and fathom why i might have a strong reaction to your #support for DESANTIS and the SPACE LASERS WOMAN #you fucking idiot.) #and was that civil. No. and now i have to apologize to him bc i feel bad about it even though i fully meant it #idk its what i get for trying to change peoples minds with stupid things like #' statistics ' and ' a utilitarian perspective ' and ' existing legal basis for my argument ' #guys so wrapped up in their right wing bubble they just dont wanna hear it #n they always assume i mustve not heard their talking points and its like look at where we fucking live #and look at the state of the world. NOBODY in any form of mainstream news shares my politics lmao #you think i havent heard every conceivable argument abt trans people??? also you think im dumb enough to form an opinion without looking at #the other side? yeah man i know about the three trans women who have ever won a sports competition ever. do you? #do you even know their fucking names or sports or trial outcomes. #GOD just fucking. pseudo intellectual facist horseshit like pragru and infowars masquerading as legítimate sources #are making so many dumbass illiterate (i truly don't think they have the reading comprehension to decifer a study or even long article) #guys think they're gods gift to politics bc they listened to someone else tell them what a source says through ten layers of propaganda #just. uh. everyone should die forever and also learn to read.

[poorlittlevampire]

actually i think i need to go back into isolation mode everywhere outside of tumblr

#u guys get to stay bc it’s different here #i kiss all my mutuals mwah mwah #in all seriousness tho i feel so out of place and unwanted in like. every social setting #and idk how to combat that bc like. i think its true #tumblr is safe bc there is absolutely no pressure here #i dont feel like i could ruin a relationship with one awkward joke #also bc this is basically a diary like i just talk to myself on here #and occasionally other people will reply and irs fun but there no PRESSURE #i feel like i always say the wrong thing everywhere else #or im in the wrong places or im in them too frequent or not enough #or ive forced myself in #or that in spaces i created people feel obligated to stay #u know?????? #fawk man idk #i self isolate but then that makes it even harder when i come out of that isolation #so then i just self isolate again for even longer #its wrecking my friendships so i feel really guilty abt it but idk what to do lol

[proteuus]

getting "hey are you going to [x thing]? I was thinking abt going but only if ur going" texts >>>

#so theres this guy . #i know i was posting abt my disorder yesterday but forget abt that that isnt important (lmao) #I've actually had a crush on him since the beginning of the school year but at the time i was dating M #and then me and K started seeing each other like a week after me and M broke up #so it has been a moot point abt this guy #we're getting coffee soon tee hee. it isnt a date just like a vibe check so idk ! who is to say what the future holds . #((I never rlly talked abt my other exes on here but starting fall 2021 there was B then J then M then K and now we're here)) #((starting fall 2021 bc thats when i started college. thats the recap youre all caught up now)) #I'm seeing someone more often than im not its rlly not that i dislike being single its more of a byproduct of just being very social #like i just know a lot of people

[headofhelios]

when i was a kid the idea of like surprise birthday parties was so like. idk i wanted it and it never happened but now its actually like. gonna happen to me but at a really really bad time when i am going to be very stressed and whatever the surprise thing is will probably make it worse so its like. hmm. early birthday gift of being nauseous with anxiety a month in advance

#my brother had good intentions telling me but also like. i have been tearing up all night and when i tried to explain my reservations to him #i just felt stupid so its. mm. this sucks #its also weird bc like. guuuhhgg i had a weird Thing a while ago that was apparently really bad i guess #so it feels like. idk. my mother trying to 'fix' that with this. so i feel like i cant say no to it #(especially bc she doesnt know i kinda know about it) #but its also like. well. when it happens i might really really freak out badly and that would ruin things for everyone. right. #kind of feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place here bc like i WANT to talk to my mother abt this but also again she doesnt know #that i know and i dont want her to be disappointed that my brother said something to me. even though i dont know what the surprise is #just that there is one planned #also in recent years ive realized i get i suppose anxious when people get me gifts i havent Asked for #so surprises like this arent really my thing anymore. i think when i was a kid i mostly wanted one bc in tv shows theres always a lot #of people there for it and i was a lonely child. #anyway i realize this is something of a stupid thing to complain about #in my defense i feel like a lot of things that should be 'about me' #(however self centered that sounds. it makes me wince to say trust me.) #are made to be more about other people namely my immediate family. #so like my gender isnt about me its about how my mother feels about it. and my birthday isnt about me its about other people celebrating it #again ik ik its a stupid complaint. just saying that because of that *points up* which ive been feeling for nearly 10 years now #its all a bit of a tender bruise. emotionally speaking. for me. #personal

[elytrafemme]

friendship is cool bc you get to have these funny little guys who make you happy and become a better person or whatever and laugh a lot. but then there’s the horrors (trying to see and message them frequently enough when you know you can’t possibly juggle all of them all at once and never knowing the best answer)

#nightmare.personal #maybe i tell my irls to fuck off for a week so i can just get to work repairing all my online relationships #i won't actually do that but like. my social battery is so fucked #also there's the other issues but we don't talk aboutu those <- diseased interpersonally #we do talk abt those a lot but im turning over a new leaf to be normal #this is late night confessionals. hi i know cool people. wish i fucking knew how to talk to anybody #its so stupid too bc when i message them or join a vc everyone accepts me like i was never gone and is friendly and kind and all that #but then it's like. do ppl think im not committing. do they think i don't care #and like how do i convince people i care when im barely here and barely know whats going on #idk. wish klav was here he's better at fucking online things i think #i think im doing good socializing with my irls at least. like scheduling hangouts #when my gf comes back i need to see her like asap bc my brain is fucking obliterating itself but thats unrelated #sorry this is litrally late night thoughts #dont rb btw #my irl social life is better and i think part of me sees that as more important? #like obviously all my friends are important to me diffeerently but. if i disappear on an irl for a while they'll give me shit for it #versus online that's just life you know but. i don't know. #sometimes i wonder if my online friends know how much they mean to me and i realize they probably don't and i get scared #and then i wonder how all of them have to feel about me at that point and we don't really have to go into that but like #i don't know. it's always a little a lot scary #and people seem to be so natural at doing this online but i meanwhile just fucking can't #i'm allergic to discord servers its a thing. except the one im active in which makes me happy but i still forget to talk there all the time #so im still allergic but im choosing to partake. its like the lactose intolerance of the whole group

[munamania]

i can’t believe i just read a post with my own two eyes that the only interesting thing about ronance is steve’s emotional reactions to them. steve stans do you hear yourself. and can you ever like. not say things

#i understand with the characters in the show right. that none of your fun pretend steve gay ships would need to be examined by an outsider #bc eddie’s new and jonathan. is on the other side of the nancy breakup lol. and yet no one involves her or those complex feelings talking #abt them. but we want all of steve’s possible emotional reactions to the lesbian characters #can i be honest. i am so tired of the trope where there’s a guy who one of them breaks up with and he’s just there after the lesbians get #together and ik that’s not the case here and it’s just residual resentment for that bleeding into this but. are you joking #ngl! i don’t want to know about a man’s opinions of my relationships. even if it’s my gf’s ex. even if we all happen to be friends. like #maybe im in the minority there. maybe it’s okay if steve is just like whatever #because he canonically said he was over her. and i get first loves mean a lot. but like. what the fuck #like???????????? #i get he’s your baby boy he’s your number one he can do no wrong. but. that’s the only part of the r0nance dynamic you care about #that’s all you want to know. very least you could do is not involve that post anywhere near the tags #something abt it just doesn’t sit right. and ik you can come at me with ‘just block people’ #but i think i’m disturbed by the number of people who are like omg yeah!!!!! #maybe not everything has to be abt him idk just a thought. sorry steve stans. #also i realize it’s not a ‘trope’ that’s the wrong word but it’s happened enough in shows that i’m like oh my god. can the lesbians just #like exist maybe. perhaps

[taniushka12]

i know its ridiculous of me to say this in this site but i think people here should be more aggressive (AND definitely more nuanced)

#i see people doing a long paragraph of 'no offense' 'this is just my opinion and everybody's is valid' before making a mild to cold take #and its like boooooooo #well *I* think people who have certain takes are absolutely idiotic! #i hope at least two people i have blocked killed themselves! #like yeah obviously listen to what other people have to say bc they might have a point but dont hide behind this high horse of niceness #tani's personal shit #this is based on some youtubers ive been watching theres this guy that did Such a long disclaimer and its like its fine to say you hated #the book!! (it was a booktuber) its literally fine!!! yeah perhaps a 'sorry yall but i hated it' but WHY make it SO LONG #then i found this guy who was talking abt idk what movie and was like 'who thinks that? if you think that you're stupid' and its like YEAH #BRO #i dont know. im argie and most of my interactions w/ friends are p aggressive it gets tiring to be here sometimes! #some people are just cunts! say it! #anyway the match left me wanting to kill someone with my teeth. goodnight ♥

[yellowhearther0]

girls when they are trying their best but their best isnt good enough 😔😔

#sagittarius.txt #negative #stopped gaming and the horrors have returned #im just so fuciing pissed off. at the circumstances. in general #bc im stuck sittubg here with these shit ass feelings that no one can jack about until im either old enough to do something about it or #like. idek. #bc itsblike i cant say shit to my parents bc they wont take me seriously and lird knows i dont trust any of the adults at my fucking school #and im not going to make the handful of peiple i CAN talk to more worried about me when they already have atuff going on and they cant do #anything abt what im dealing with #but i dont even WANT to go to anyone because i dont wanna get mad at people when they tell me things i alreadybknow because i KNOW theyre #tryijg to help and they cant do much and its liek GRAH #im justvin such a shit plce bc i want to reach out but i have to do it of my own violition or else i'll just fucking shut down #im like a scared dog. in a cage. and he'll come to u if u just leave him be and let him do his own thing #but like. if im the svared little dog than everyone else is the big scary human who i slowly inch closer to and then suddenly the stick out #their hand right as im near them and then i run right back to where i was before and then we're back at square 1. does this make sense #and its litwrally no ones fault but my own #i just never know how to tell what other people are thinking so i think i project how i feel about myself onto what i thibk others rhing of #me and so i go into every potentially vulnerable conversation with my guard drawn high because im just expecting people to get sick of me #always complaining but never actually trying to better myself #idk man #im normal #i peomise

[ankhisms]

^ this is once again me and myself rn except the me that im holding by the scruff is also sobbing hysterically while also hissing and flailing around. need to just sleep but aldo my brain is like no ❤️

#so you really can never go back to who you once were and things can never truly go back to how they were before when it comes #to ur relationships with people or just anything in general really. but im mainly thinking again about #how my (now ex i guess) best friend just stopped talking to me and i have literally no idea why #idk ive vented a little bit about it on here before but its eating at me again its like. do i deserve bad things? am i #somehow a bad person to be around? i try my hardest to choose kindness every day and i genuinely care a lot about #all the people in my life and care about acquaintances and try my best to put effort into my relationships #even if it can be hard to talk and reach out. i tried to figure out what was going on i expected more and #trusted that if this person was angry with me id be told and wed talk about it like adults. but that didnt happen and im stuck just #feeling like. returning to this feeling of like ok there really is something deeply wrong with me i guess #idk im thinking about other things too thatre bothering me like the uncertainty of the future as always and #knowing that i wont be able to support myself due to my physical and mental illnesses but i also am stuck #in a bad toxic environment but also itd break my heart to leave my animals who im the one who mostly cares for them #and ok it really is time for bed im thinking abt things too much #also edit when i say acquaintances i mean like friend of a friend/someone i dont really talk to but i follow. not like #people i talk to bc if we talk i consider us friends

[oatbugs]

IM SO FUCKING PISSED RN . tonight was bad but good but bad

also ran out of tag space so rest of tags in rb

#the only other autistic person amongst my friends was like one of my closest friends and i just . ughh #basically we used to hang out a lot esp into sunrise etc and hed tell me abt his problems andnstuff and i just #had to delay my exam and thenfire and everything and i thought hed be there for me too and we all met up last night and i was like #hi i need to vent and he said . and i quote . get in line bitch . which was bad and also weird #he then proceeded to leave without a word after like an hour . and my other friends said he was just in a bad mood etc but whatever it felt #weird . and i texted him that night to check up saying hey u seemed a bit upset are u ok etc and he ignored it #while responding to stuff on the GC . and i was obviously upset bc he said that and proceeded to ignore the text etc #and what he said wasnt ok . anyway tonight we met up and he showed up super late and like . didnt talk to me the whole time despite making #direct eye contact and when we were leaving the bar i literally told him hey stop being a dick bro . like w a smile but like yh #and he kind of got rly upset and his first question was is this bc i talked to K and not you (K being one of the only girls in the group) #(who also treated me weirdly but whom i still care for a lot which he should Know) and i said no its bc you ignored my text after being rly #rude last night. meanwhile my friend with whom i had a kind of deal w for like . not smoking and stuff . took a long drag off a cigarette #and obviously i just saw it happen and his hair being too messy and idk it was like an instant heartbreak kind of moment like why would u #do this you said youd never smoke so i kind of just . looked at him and asked him why hes doing this and he looked back and kept smoking . #upsetting situation but the friend i was talking abt first took this as me walking away from him or whatever ?? like bro ? you see this #happening in front of you #anyway a bit later on into the walk i fall back w him and i ask if he wants to talk and he literally fucking #proceeds to say how he left that night bc his discord friends were doing smth better or whatever and he was standing behind me and i didnt #talk to him first and how he doesnt want to talk and hes sick of talking to people meanwhile im out here being a bitch #and as hes saying all of this hes getting louder so i tell him to not raise his voice bc our friends are in front of us #and i dont want this to be a fight i just wajted to talk to him and he blows up even louder like NO IM NOT GOING TO LOWER MY VOICE IM #TRYING TO MAKE A POINT and he keeps going abt how im being bitchy and he was just right there and i apparently ignored him or whatever . #and like i just let him talk bc i was like . hes not calming down so im gonna let him say whatever and then respond calmly . he then #proceeds to leave . just turns around and leaves w no chance for me to say anything #i had bigger concerns (i.e. drunk friend) but it was still so fucking confusing like ??? i texted u if ur ok and u ignored it why is it #now on me to approach u irl again ? what gives u the right to raise ur voice at me and call me a bitch ? #what gives u the right to be a dick to us but esp to tell me to get in line just bc ur friends are on discord and ppl are chewing too loud? #like what the FUCK bro. but anyway after that we went to a park and i talked to my friends friend and we had a lot in common and it was #like 1-3 AM but ppl kept coming and going and laying down and sitting on the swings and playing old music #and staring at the stars there were so so many stars . i checked up on my friend who smoked and made sure he was ok etc (S

[be-good-to-bugs]

maybe i WILL get to move back home

#the bin #i talked to my mom and things might go ok but idk #i just have to wait and see but i desperately hope i can move. i need to see a doctor so bad. my whole body feels horrible all the time #and my tooth has gotten so much worse. i can deal with it if thres an end date. i cant deal with it indefinitely. and i cant afford to get #it fixed without insurance. i would rather die than deal with this shit for another however long i have to i CAN NOT do that #esp bc i would need to go to work while experiencing it. idk. im shaky literally ALL the time and my insides alwyas hurt and my joints #hurt so much too. and half the time im at work my chest hurts and i cant see straight. i cant fuckin do this anymorew. #apparently my dad might be getting a new job so their landlord might be more willing to renew but idk. she said she should know on april 1st #which isnt that far away but idk. i mean. its not impossible theyll renew. who knows. i hope so. #i know at keast thst i have a way to get there if there is a place for me to live so thats good. my health cant take this anymore. and im #also not able to emotionally. idk what other option i have but. god. its hard enough as is. im having like a perpetual panic attack since i #found out i probs wont get to move. im tryna be optimistic. i dont think im physically capable of staying here any longer #it was hard enough to stay herenthis extra yearm ive been having breakdowns repeatedly over it. and my physical health keeps worsening #i miss my little sister. i wanna be able to see the people i care about. theres so few people in the world i enjoy being around and i dont #get to see them ever. instead i have to see my second least favorite person in the world in order to even just get groceries #hhhh. i want the time to pass so i can know for sure but i also desperately dont wnat it to cause im so scared itll be bad news #whatever. i will hope and believe that itll work out until i know that it wont. hhhhh. worst case scenario i guess ill just have to save up #and figure out moving there later on but like. i was really happy to NOT have to worry abt rent or working so i could focus on my health and #then i could go back that that stuff. oh well

[exopelagic]

I wiped out so hard tonight my KNEES

#I fell over. so many times. including two of the worst falls I’ve had in a WHILE #god the first one literally like minute and a half on the ice i lose a foot under me and do the splits. crash into the barriers #I am notably Not flexible I cannot do the splits. I don’t know how I kept skating afterwards #the worst fall I have ever had however was right at the end and the thing that made me get off #we were playing a thing and both me and this other guy we’re trying to catch this girl who turned out to be Also going very fast #three way collision all falling forwards on top of each other #we SLID there were BLADES BY MY HEAD im lucky im short im amazed nobody got actually hurt #except like. my knees which are now staging a coup I rlly should ice them but I don’t have ice and I just wanna sleep #but GOD tonight was a mixed bag #i have acquired the instagram and will probably get him on committee if he sends me the thing #also slowly thinking hrm yeah he’s probably straight #anyway good news: i think we’re pretty solidly friends now. bad news: prooobably regrettably heterosexual #idk straight guys shouldn’t be allowed to be cute and funny and good at skating it’s not fair #aaaanyway. it’s my own fault bc I meet most new people through hockey now and this sport is pretty notoriously not queer #it’s a little different here but the people who end up Good are largely not yknow. and I am unfortunately into guys who can skate #also they end up being the people I actually get to talk to with what I do. dumb as hell. they should invent gay hockey players #anyway my assessment is still vibes based there’s time for me to be proven wrong but we will see. it’d be funny if he was queer after this #will think abt texting him on a day that isn’t tomorrow bc tomorrow’s gonna be too much and I would like to have some time to chill sometime #anyway this is my periodic reminder to myself that I’m literally just Allowed to have feelings. fucked up that it’s true #but like it’s just. allowed. and it’s not even that I’m dumb or have bad taste or smth like that and over like what. #almost two years? there have been 5 guys total. mr prick who WAS queer unfortunately. and while the other four did turn out to be straight #that was due to 1. guy literally had rainbow fucking stick tape and Everyone thought he was gay. also I was just kinda fucking around there #2. talked to him like three times before asking him out. agrees to dinner bc he thinks it’s funny. 3. many signals bc bunch of queer friends #still unconfirmed but be does have a girlfriend ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 4. okay maybe I should know better by now but he’s cute okay I’m allowed to hope #it’s not even like I’ve DONE anything other than talk to him dude you’re fine you’re allowed to feel things #aaaanyway. bed now. eepy. will talk to him later. he complimented my hair okay I’m done now going to sleep #very sorry to anyone who reads these tags for just going on abt this guy but also no I’m not scroll down #luke.txt