#and its litwrally no ones fault but my own

[yellowhearther0]

girls when they are trying their best but their best isnt good enough 😔😔

#sagittarius.txt #negative #stopped gaming and the horrors have returned #im just so fuciing pissed off. at the circumstances. in general #bc im stuck sittubg here with these shit ass feelings that no one can jack about until im either old enough to do something about it or #like. idek. #bc itsblike i cant say shit to my parents bc they wont take me seriously and lird knows i dont trust any of the adults at my fucking school #and im not going to make the handful of peiple i CAN talk to more worried about me when they already have atuff going on and they cant do #anything abt what im dealing with #but i dont even WANT to go to anyone because i dont wanna get mad at people when they tell me things i alreadybknow because i KNOW theyre #tryijg to help and they cant do much and its liek GRAH #im justvin such a shit plce bc i want to reach out but i have to do it of my own violition or else i'll just fucking shut down #im like a scared dog. in a cage. and he'll come to u if u just leave him be and let him do his own thing #but like. if im the svared little dog than everyone else is the big scary human who i slowly inch closer to and then suddenly the stick out #their hand right as im near them and then i run right back to where i was before and then we're back at square 1. does this make sense #and its litwrally no ones fault but my own #i just never know how to tell what other people are thinking so i think i project how i feel about myself onto what i thibk others rhing of #me and so i go into every potentially vulnerable conversation with my guard drawn high because im just expecting people to get sick of me #always complaining but never actually trying to better myself #idk man #im normal #i peomise

[iminthetunnels]

i read smthn so interesting on someone’s blog but it would be weird for me to reblog it. so i saved it as a draft. but i wanna rant abt it. i’m going to be all over the place and probably not make sense because it applies to me, and much so like everything else, my interpretations and assumptions and experiences in the situation all together.

when a man prioritizes a friendship relationship over a romantic relationship, i get bad feelings. not only do i feel as tho i take biblical words to heart and it resonates deeply within me, but a relationship with two people &god is focused on just that. and everything else will flow as a result. okay. so i do litwrally mean to put ur relationship first before anything, in order to maintain a partnership. this could be in business, family matters, child raising etc etc. without a strong family bond, what else can follow? and of course this is entirely from my perspective and experiences.

i never in my life thought to find love again. i couldn’t bear another anxiety ridden, sexually intense relationship where i didn’t truly find myself really loved, only desired when the time is right. and it disgusted me. i found faults in pursuing relationships, because no one listened, only lusted, only desired what i can bring to the table. which in a sense is normal. that’s fine, it’s a human desire to want someone commendable. i get that. i never thought to trust someone who i could pour my heart in both anger, disgust, just regular conversation, as well as love and commitment. i thought “i will do my best with my son and show him i choose him above all” which i do. which goes right back to my first paragraph. i think a relationship rooted in god, faithfulness, commitment, will overall be my end goal. it came so organically that i have hope once more. i promise u never have to settle, u never have to worry, u never have to feel that anxiety again when ur truly motivated and loved. and looked after truly. i also feel that, as a woman, in a society and country that does not value my work or love as a person, it can get very daunting and negative. i DO find myself resonating with other women who feel trapped by a male serving society. that’s not to say i hate being a mother, or i hate being a wife. i hate devoting my life. it goes right back to what so any WOMEN AND MEN FEEL, resentment for a subpar society. i refuse to make enemies with the opposite sex and blame them. it’s life making enemies with another race and blaming them. it gets us nowhere as a whole and unity should be our end goal. instead of fighting the common man, we should be standing up to oligarchs LMAOOOO lemme stop because i’ll sound rly crazy when i explain this next part. but it’s not me, you, or the next. that’s y i do stand for all. wont dismiss that certain ppl benefit from a society. but in that sentence on its own, they benefit from an established society. not one person