#idk if im gonna move anything over

[ducktollers]

got a sortof interview for a research assistant job tomorrow and sooooooooo scareds :D

#delete later #sortof bc its basically already mine since my mom works there and said the current assistant sucks so bad theyll take Anyone with a degree #and theyre desperate #and its super casual and low intensity but still stressed tf out #bc i havent done anything non routine since december and my anxiety has gotten soooo bad and im soooo bad at talking to people #and ik the antidote is doing things again which is why am i doing this but. scary #and time is moving too fast and im so lost and i hate my stupid fuckass grocery store job and idk what to dew w my life rn #cannot stop reminiscing abt the life unlived and the time lost and while i do that i am not living anf losing time #😃😃😃😃😃😃 #cannot stop thinking abt how my school life is simply over and i missed it i wasted it its Over 😀 no more chances #didnt make ONE friend in 5 years of university didnt join anything didnt do anything except mentally deteriorate #uni is supposed to be the source of so much life and experience. and yooo i missed it 😂yooooo omg its too late for me 😂😂😂 #i rememebr before crossing the stage at high school graduation i was like. rn im in the part of my life before graduation #and in a minute suddenly im gonna be in the after #and then i realized recently. im in The After of university. the moment passed and i missed it #there is no more chances theres no more ‘next semester ill make friends’ theres no more Anything it is Over #time keeps going so fast and yallll i cant go back lol 😂😂😂 brooo wtf nobody told me u can never go back 😂 #dawg i havent felt alive even once since leaving high school 😂 yo i peaked at age 17 😂 yo jm about to turn 23 and my last memory is being 19 #yooooo whered the time go 😂😂😂😂 brooo where does it keep going lol come back wait up im runnin out of time 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 #x

[needylittlegirl]

theres a 99% chance we’re gonna move so i have to start packing little things now cause it makes the transition easier but i hate it i dont want to

#i know i sound like am immature little kid just pouting and stomping my foot #but i’ve had to move every two years since i was like 14 for so many different reasons #each place ive moved to just got increasingly worse so i think i have the right to pout like a 14 yr old girl #but its just dumb #if i start taking stuff down now itll make it easier to leave cause it wont feel like my space by then #its what ive always done #if i pack weeks ahead of time it just feels like im leaving a hotel or something #but right nows the hard part #im not even over my childhood home/s #i cant talk about those without crying and its been 20 years #i’d just like to stay in one place for awhile #we wont be going far cause me and my sister both have jobs right here but #its still different #im tired of seeing my stuff in boxes im tired of not feeling safe in my own space #it all just makes me so unstable cause i cant plant my roots anywhere #idk maybe its stupid #if everything goes according to plan #we’ll probably be moving a little after memorial day #and all i want to do is lock my door and refuse to let anyone do anything #im still just that little girl that was leaving her childhood bedroom and moving hours away #tbd #i didnt even get to skate today cause its raining #whatever im gonna get in bed and watch movies til i can go to sleep #if ive been bad at responding to msgs or not posting as much . this is why 👍 #any sort of change like this makes me isolate myself like crazyy

[napsaps-archive]

like the ratio is just insane

#sawry i . talk a lot 😭😭😭 #gonna start using my main more for my other interests #all my friends are here like i don't really use my main for anything it was just what i moved to after drexit and then i didnt want to have #mcyt stuff there so now it's just There and im over here but IDK i want to post about star wars too #and i generally like to keep my fandoms separate so

[dawntheduckrb]

They put me downstairs at work :(

All thumb healing progress was undone in one evening apparently. It actually felt mostly fine on Sunday, until after work. They put me in an area I'm rarely sent to on Sunday evening, and I had to do a ton of heavy lifting. My arms are sore but it's like a post-exercise soreness (painful, but still very normal). My thumb felt fine allllllll day today, until I started to draw. Even with breaks, it still feels super tense, and now it's hurting even when I'm not using it. I'm gonna take that as a sign to stop for the night lol

I have one drawing I want to finish before school starts back up, because I'm worried it'll distract me if I don't have it done before then. Of course, if my hand prevents from finishing it, I'll manage, but that'd suck :')

On a lighter tone I feel very strongly about this cat in a blanket I found, I don't know why it amuses me so much but it's such a mood

#for those of you who dont know; i work at a package sorting/distribution center #I'm normally in the small package team where people who can't constantly lift stuff go (i have double curve scoliosis and back hurty) #but they moved me downstairs to a truck loading area to help the people that are normally there #most packages come from a series of overhang chutes and I didn't have to do anything with them #but everything thats too big/heavy/oddly shaped comes down a seperate larger belt system #these have to be manually sorted #my job was to take a barcode scanner and find a barcode on each package #then a little printer i was holding would make a sticker w/ that package's destination after i scanned its barcode #the thing is #those packages got up to 80 lbs and sometimes the barcode label was on the very bottom #i had to flip quite a few packages in a hurry because that belt does not stop while I'm printing the stickers #i guess between holding the barcode scanner and flipping over ridiculously heavy boxes #i completely destroyed my thumb again #splatoon didn't give me a problem today but i guess i dont really use my thumb much for that game #and even still #i took a whole four hour break between that and trying to draw #and i didnt even draw for that long #but now moving my thumb hurts worse than it did last week #idk what im gonna do when school starts :/ #this is where i'd say 'crying and sobbing atm' but im actually starting to tear up holy shit #wanted to post a drawing tonight but i cant finish it :') gonna grab some chocolate and curl up into a ball instead #will also try icing my hand tonight #i have also memorized those hand exercises and they are my lifeline right now

[arsenicflame]

lets see how long i last this time <3

#nyxtalks #ha the vibes are still rancid over here but its increasingly clear to me im not gonna be doing anything about it any time soon #n i miss you guys! #but maintaining conversations is still dubious in bandwidth so im back to parallel play with all of yall on here #we will see how long it lasts #i will say the vibes in the head have currently shifted to move out n have my own space so? maybe things can get better? #idk theres a level of believing in my ability to do things which is probably far too fucking optimistic but fuck it! #lets pretend i can for a while <3

[pepprs]

my mom isn’t letting my dad go back to his office bc him being out of the house stresses her out and makes her have a flare up and it’s like kind of insane. like i understand why the idea of him doing that would make her panicky and angry as someone who also struggles w separation anxiety and abandonment shit / has physical symptoms from that kind of stress (though not to the same degree ofc) but also he is a grown man. he should be allowed to go to his office and not have to shape his entire life around her needs. and she keeps guilt tripping him out of it and it’s impacting his quality of life a lot and the whole thing is kind of… hm

#purrs #delete later #also she’s guilt tripping me into coming to the stupid fucking potluck on sunday bc she needs the extra help and it’s like… what are you #gonna do when i move out. like i am a grown woman and i should be able to choose how i spend my two precious weekend days. and my dad is a #grown man and he should be able to choose where he works. like is that not a little bit insane. i get it but also….. i do think it s kind of #fucked ip that it’s her way or the highway and her needs take priority over all of ours and she’s asking us to bend to what she wants when #she wants it. like i get it bc she’s sick but it’s not fair for her to expect that from my dad especially. particularly when me and my #brother are back at work / school in more high risk environments than my dad who would be in a private office alll day. and the thing is no #one is brave enough to all her on it bc if we did it would be the END of the world. she even threw a fit on my dads bday and complained bc #the things he wanted to do were things she didn’t want to do like all the man wanted to do was go mini golfing and when that wasn’t good #enough he just wanted to go on a walk and my mom complained the whole time and also scoffed the movie he wanted to watch and said it was #boring and it’s like… wtf it’s HIS birthday??? but what do you expect from the woman who (and in fairness her friends got her these as gifts #but still) has TWO kitchen items that say some variation of ‘a marriage is when one is always right and the other is always the husband’ 💀 #i look at that little plaque every night bc it’s in front of the sink when im doing dishes and it makes me so fucking angry. like my dad is #a whole fucking person and he can be right too and he deserves to make choices and be happy and not have his wife put him down all the time. #idk. and she puts down his family all the time too and complains when he wants to do the most reasonable things for his own enjoyment that #don’t align with hers and criticizes his interests all the time and it just sucks to see. he never shows hurt or anything so idk how he #feels about it but it makes me so angry and sad and when i tell her to stop she just lashes out at me so. 🤪. like how do we get her to stop #making her needs more important than everyone else’s bc… she may be our mom / his wife / whateger but that doesn’t make her queen. no one is #(andalso this has only gotten worse bc of covid / her being sick. like this has been a lifelong thing it’s just it’s a lot worse now bc the #circumstances gave her room / forced her to have to take up more space. and it’s just so frustrating. i get it. but none of us are pawns or #dolls or subordinates or anything. there’s 5 adults here and we should all be able to make choices and not be guilt tripped by her. lol #)

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#yesterday i was wandering around the campus where ive resided these last 4 years bc ive banned myself from running until my leg heals #and i was thinking like. what am i gonna miss about this place when i leave? bc im always thinking abt the things i cant wait to get away #from. and its a real short list. ill miss the palm trees bc i never get sick of seeing thrm. theyre so weird #ill miss the yucca. again bc theyre so weird looking. ill miss the way u can see where all the ants r bc in the non human populated areas #there isnt grass everywhere bc desert. ill miss that there r so many birds of prey hanging around. and the road runners and all the lil #lizards. and maybe in an abstract way ill miss being so close to the boarder bc when u live near a boarder boarders feel like bullshit #like staring down the road into another country. idk theres something i like abt that. ill probably also miss being able to run outside #all year long bc in the winter during the day all u need is a light jacket lol. where im going it gets real cold 🥶 #maybe ill even miss the constant blue skies. but idk ive always liked a cloudy sky better. makes me think of home haha #ill def miss how convenient my apartment rn is. the loft bed. the low cost. the 5min walk to campus. sigh. but thats pretty much it. i #dont think ill miss anything else. im not really close with anyone. my boss was the reason i came here and she left this school in January #so thats it i guess. i think i stayed a year too long and was not well for a lot of my time here but so it goes #just gotta move to the next place. just gotta pray pray pray that i find an apartment soon. i dont even wanna say anything abt it bc im #afraid to jinx things. even tho thats irrational. like. i just gotta somehow project how good a tenant i am. im so quiet u will never see #me and i never complain abt anything bc i have brain problems. sigh. i cant wait for this transition to b over #im so so so ready to be in a new place doing new things. but at least my energy is back. im back to high energy on little sleep lol #i dont understand how my body functions lmao. somehow when i get a normal amount of sleep it's a sign that i feel awful #unrelated

[dreamcast-official]

hm.

#eli.txt #i think the reason i feel so shit over The Whole Deal is like. god. i just miss talking to them. #sometimes it felt like they were the only person who cared about what i had to say. they were the easiest person to talk to in my life. #and like. basically overnight. they were so distant for what i thought was no reason. and they did not care about me anymore. #i know they were justified in acting that way and its not like they suddenly hate me and dont care about me but god. #thats what it feels like. thats what it fucking feels like!!!! #i didnt just lose my boyfriend i lost one of my best friends and it fucking sucks. it feels like no one is going to put up with me anymore. #idk i dont feel nearly as comfortable talking to Anyone anymore. because when am i gonna know i made a mistake. #how am i gonna know i made a mistake and they suddenly think i hate them and it leads to something like this. how am i gonna know. #and like!! it looks To Me like their life got so much better without me being an active part of it. and i feel like i have just gotten worse #AND THEY WONT FUCKING TALK TO ME! I KEEP TRYING TO MAKE CONVERSATION AND THEY DONT TALK TO ME! AND LIKE. #I KNOW I FUCKED UP BUT IM FUCKING TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LET ME TRY. TALK TO ME. I MISS YOU. #I LOVE YOU. NOT IN THAT SENSE ANYMORE BUT I STILL CARE FOR YOU. YOURE MY FRIEND. FUCKING TALK TO ME. #I KNOW NO AMOUNT OF SAYING IM SORRY CAN FIX IT BUT IM TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT. PLEASE JUST DONT IGNORE ME LIKE THAT. #god i just feel like maybe i meant nothing. maybe theyve just already moved on entirely and i was never anything. #maybe im the only one who still hurts. yknow. i dont think they care about me anymore. #which i could fucking deal with if they just said that instead of flat out ignoring me. #god i just feel like shit. what if i keep fucking up the same way what if i lose everyone the same way and in the end im alone. #i would probably deserve it. if i keep messing up this bad maybe i deserve to be alone. #i know thats not true. but i feel really bad right now. im not thinking. #no one is going to put up with me the way they did. they already dont. #god. im so tired. i wish they would fucking talk to me.

[todayisafridaynight]

Y'know I'm not big on shipping so sometimes I'm like: "Man, why is it all Kazumaji." when searching for fanart but then I am on Twitter and... I think I am fine with Kazumaji on Tumblr.

i don't know the further implications of this and the diff between twit and tumblr kazumaji but Personally to me it just isn't my cup of tea and i don't really get the pairing

#snap chats #maybe its cause its popular and i have popularitis or something idfk i just cant see the appeal #or. i CAN but not personally yk. i understand why other people like it is what i mean it just doesnt do it for me for some reason #like Sorry Everyone Trying To Scroll The Kazumaji Tag Rn In Peace but ima spit #nvm i forgot what i was gonna say. never mind i remember #anyway it just doesn't do anything for me #like it's not wholly established and there isn't even a lot of in-text reasons to like it which . Hasn't Stopped Me Before #but like i don't have anything to go off of... like the pairings i like i have something to point at and go 'ah there it is mental illness' #and ig with kazumaji there's SOME things like Again I Can See Where People Are Coming From #but it's nothing that makes me go Ah.. The Brain Barnacles Are Here #we been over this but it's been a while but kiryu and majima's relationship really does just feel professional after a certain point #like y3 the earliest but ESPECIALLY after saejima comes into the picture #idk im rambling about something that WILL get me shot but i'm speaking my truth on my blog #moving on. watched the first half of tonbi today..... crying... #i have to update my Top Cutest TTM Charas list now... #but i gotta do these comms first ok bye #then im watching the second half if these dont take me all night..

[larryjohnsoncosplayonthursday]

last

for realsies

#HELLO IM VENTING AGAIN IM SO SORRY #i am sick of everything the usual but i just need some fucking therapy and my diagnosises are taking too long because the system is shit #over here and i feel like i am a literal walking disaster a hazard to myself are my meds even working anymore idk? someone needs to lock me #in a fucking wardrobe before i loose my shit and do something stupid as fuck at least im self aware ok were growing this is called growth #wow ok amazing spectacular #like tonight ive decided i hate everyone again i want to quit uni actually might do it this time i just applied for a random job for no #reason i have a job but if i have 2 then i can over work myself to the max so i dont have to go into uni #i have three weeks off so now im cutting everyone off who knows how long this episode is gonna last for #i am loosing my god damn mind i do not want to do anything everything is so hard why is everyone so pressuring #i stopped doing some of my stupid habbits but now im just going full circle again so im thriving rn live love laugh am i right guys or what #AND WHY CANT I JUST HAVE A THERPAIST WHO CONTACTS ME ITS BEEN SINCE OCTOBER U FUCKING BITCH GO FUCK URSELF #anyway im in huge amounts of pain too idk what i do in my sleep or something but my shoulders hurt so bad #i hate wet tags on clothes when they stick to you throws up actually #i had stale fucking garlic bread today and i want to move out but if i move out then things will get worse for me #why cant i maintain a normal friendship without loosing my mind and hating everyone i mean no one knows my friends are pretty good with me #they understand but i dont know #ive come to the conclusion that i am just a shit

[be-good-to-bugs]

wip

#orbs art #as to not get caught up in tiny details im not letting myself change much after its done. im changing SUPER wonky stuff but unless #its real bad im just leaving it be. this is fun. her hands are wonk as fuck but thats ok. ill fix it a little bit and the rest is whatever #im just trying to have more fun with my art and do whatever. im having fun with this which is nice. i wanna make lots of silly gifs #im not super interested in much animation rn but stuff like this is simple and fun. ive always liked sketchy wiggly stuff #i feel nervous posting anything animated but whatever. ive gotta get over it sometime i guess. #idk. does this even could as animation? its barely moving lol. i giess it does even though its not doing much #i think im gonna try doing this for a lot of my art even if they arent doing anything interesting. its more interesting that a single image #wip #sketches

[castelleve]

hmmm im thinking of moving all of my muse bios to one google doc, which i have already tried before but i think im not really gonna bother with having a template or anything / just do it in my own v simple style 

#idk i just think it would be easier / less messy #and force me to FINISH MY BIOS #and expand on the v short ones i have #Fungus Be Gone // ooc #might move my verses to a google doc page too #and add more #idk #i WAS thinking of moving blogs but i think im gonna wait until the heatwave is over before deciding anything concrete #cause im 90% sure the weather is whats causing a lot of my current block #i lose creativity every time i sweat!!!!

[pepprs]

bad enough that i am stuck in my life but even worse when i have to work through / around the stuckness in front of people i care about / explain it / be perceived in experiencing it. UGH!!!!!!

#purrs #i live in my childhood home i share a bedroom withy sister it hasn’t been redecorated since before we were born i don’t even have a license #ive never dated or even been liked like that by someone i know except one time ive never done like 75-80% of the things ppl my age do and im #gonna show up empty handed and empty brained to everythi ng and be seen as stupid and uncaring and whatever when really im just tired and my #life is so flat rn and i don’t have the strength to pull it up by myself and give it shape again but i have to. i don’t think i have covid ( #thank GOD) but i can say even without having ever gotten it and hopefully never getting it that it has ruined my life like genuinely. i mean #good things have come out of it too but i was already socially / emotionally stunted and then being locked down for a year and a half like l #literaly not leaving my house for anything but medical stuff until july 2021 was so PRPFOUBDLY damaging. i feel like someone has taken a the #motion blur tool i. photoshop and just drawn like a scribble over me so some parts of me are stretched to where they need to be and other pa #parts are stuck at like age idk 16 and i think i need to have most of the parts motion blurred to like… move forward! but i can’t make that #happen and i have to explain it and move around it and it’s so EMBARRASSING omg. girl help i am flowering on the wall i am blooming late i a #am hiding in my shell and i want to come out but i also DO NOT so i am cowering in fear forever and never standing up for myself or standing #up at all to be honest!! lol 😸👍 #anyways this post is brought to you by how INSANELY much i do not want to reply to a particular email in my inbox or spend my time tonight #[redacted] on express when i am already so exhausted. and if that makes me a bad person then so be it i guess i am one #* i don’t even have a LEARNERS PERMIT let alone a license. lawl <3

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ay ay ay. now that the soul crushing project is done ive elected to spend the week managing data #which is decidedly more chill than what ive been doing for the last month but also isnt not doing anything and it isnt getting stuff done #for when i have to move. so thats annoying. and ive been drawing again at least but i can feel the escalation in my controlling behavior #so its now very frustrating trying to draw anything. coloring is gonna take a million years rip. #also suddenly everyone wants to b social rn? like tomorrow my boss is organizing a thing with an old lab mate and this weekend a #collaborator is having a retirement party. and next week my lab mates wanna do a trivia night. and i kno that i should go to these things. #and i will try but i really dont want to go to any of it. mostly for driving reasons but also im a husk of a person rn. but the more #devastating thing is that uh next week one of the kids i grew up with is getting married to a rich girl lol. and like we werent that close #bc i was and am such an asocial freak but after the wedding my parents r picking up their new camper and camping their way across the #country with my sisters. and im sure someone probably told me the dates of these things at some point but if u tell me dates i will #instantly forget them. so thats. ya kno. happening over basically the next 2 weeks while i have to kill myself over measurements for a #different study i dont care abt. and like. its fine. ill see them mid may for a different planned trip. it just makes me kinda sad #a product of living halfway across the country i guess. im just inherently more disconnected to everyone. i would suspect thsts semi #intentional subconsciously. u cant b upset abt not being able to connect with ppl if you create enough physical distance that u never see #them in the 1st place. u cant misunderstand me if i make myself absent and unknowable. idk. i was explaining to my mum that i didnt realize #the timeline and she was like. understandable whatever u wanna do! and idk y that upsets me so much. i guess its just that i dont want to b #doing this. its causing me pain but dont kno how to articulate it in a way that makes sense. whatever. my mouth hurts. my lips r so chapped #that the irritation is spread past my lip line. probably doesnt help thst i keep rubbing at it lol. anyway things r still annoying #less soul crushing thsn last week but still frustrating #unrelated

[coridallasmultipass]

.

#had a really rough mental health day bc i went thru the shit i bought and kept brand new for when i move out again #its still brand new and packed away and i feel like shit about it but its organized into one bin now #i watched the 2022 puss in boots and loved it and showered and im still feeling like crap #idk what i want to do rn nothing seems appealing i just want it to be tomorrow already so i can start over and do something else #i kinda wanna like... cozy down and watch saw since its been a while but like im probably gonna get too tired to finish #and what if the nostalgia just makes me feel worse yknow? #i wanna hashtag treat yoself but like my brain isnt making this easy i feel so horrible and such a failure #i cant even finish my therapy assignment of naming positive qualities ab myself bc all my positive qualities are driven by anxiety... #...or extreme as to make me feel alienated from the rest of society #whats an objectively positive trait in someone else is something that makes me weird and unlikeable and not normal #alright fuck it im gonna put on saw i need comfort pls be comforting rn i dont want to think about anything else #vent #personal #delete later / /

[29121996]

.

#soo close to breaking down and just beibg like #well i cant do this !!! i dont want to be away from you i dont want to have yo find someone else. i jsut want you #and im so scared of how thatd be taken n i dont wanna be . shut out again. #like . im supposed to just yrust this and trust thst its gappening even if i sont ubderstand whats goijg on #but my fear is slightly stronger than my ability to just Trust myself and the universe. #i want this so bad n ive never eanted ANYTHING as badly as i want . to work it out with him. #like yhats so unsettling ??? im just . i dont know how to proceed #esp not after that fucking messagw like . how do i respond to thst !!!! what am i supposed to say !!!! #like shit dawg . i CANT move on. uoure so deeply dug into me and what i want that i . am Struggling to like . even fathom the idea #of anyone else bc wjy would i . why would i find someone else wjen i had and found all i wanted. please tell me #youre coming back to me . please tell mw that youre not . going to let me go bc i cant lwt u go !!!! i tried so hard !!!! to do that !!! #and i couldnt !!!! i knew almost insta tly that i wanted him forever . n i know iy now more thsn ever thats what i want #. god . what the fuck do i do #im not supoosed to do anything !! im jus supposed to . trust that this is gonna work out anf that . it will haooen #even if i dont see it or understsnd it . n that rlly is the hars part bc oh my god i wanna throw in tje towel and die . #ive tried so hard to get over this and get over him but i literally cant. and just Livinf with this feeling is awful. #esp bc how my brain works like . atp i need a cold hars rejection to lessen my grip on it and to . move away from it #fuck. idk what to fucking do any.ore i am . abt to break and crack and . just tell him i miss him too much to keep doing this. #ive reread that message 293939 times sincs i recoeved it. its not hslping me in any shape or form! #it just has to work out. it has to .