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coridallasmultipass · 12 days

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Personal vent and ugly mental illness symptom talk

So, I should unpack this with my therapist, but shit's embarrassing, so I'm just gonna vent it out on the public internet lmao.

I was typing out a whole thing about how I KNOW I'm aromantic, and despite that, still have moments where my brain gaslights me into believing I'm in fairytale love.

I should preface by saying I have not officially been diagnosed with either additional mental illnesses I believe that I have (B.P//D and AD//HD [which lol being on AD//HD meds since antidepressants didn't do anything has given me some notable improvement, but I'm still without a diagnosis], nor Au//tism) DESPITE repeatedly asking multiple therapists multiple times and a psych like 100 times to give me a definitive yes or a no.

But holy shit. So I'm typing about how I've 'Favourite Person'-ed multiple people at multiple points in my life across all ages, and I'm like, okay, it's been a hot minute since I refreshed my definition of that, I should make sure that's still a thing and not something I just made up or has been dropped from the symptoms or whatever the case. I wanna make sure I'm using it right in this rant about how falling into Favourite Personing people in the past has made me believe 'wait, maybe I'm not aro, this HAS to be like the deepest truest love in existence, despite my years of knowing I'm aro.' Like, I'm so aro I once calculated out the date, months in advance, I was gonna tell someone I was dating that I loved them, only because it seemed like a socially acceptable amount of time to say it. I wasn't thinking about what I actually felt lmao. (And that was probably not a FP relationship, too, so I know that was absolutely an aro incident.)

Anyways, so I'm reading a couple articles to make sure I articulate my points about how it's conflicted with being aro, and I read about how people falling into having a FP will even hate that person for the slightest perceived wrongs. (I knew this, I just was thinking about the love incidents since that's what was related to my point about being aro.)

And holy shit. That just. Unlocked a memory I have about when I was an older kid, like probably 9ish (and older), I HATED my best friend of many years and who would continue being my bff for more years. Who was my everything. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hated them. I would lie awake at night (insomnia too tho) thinking about how much I hated them and I couldn't understand why I didn't just stop being their friend and start hanging out with old friends more instead. I just couldn't do it, I wanted to hang out with THEM. I was so sick and feeling jealous of them whenever I found out they'd been hanging out with someone else one-on-one and I wasn't invited. Even when it was their own family. One time they brought me a plate of cookies by surprise for (before) a holiday that they'd just made with their cousin or something. And I felt so sick about how I wasn't there for that, it felt like an insult. I couldn't have put this into words, unless I just now read that point in an article and made a connection. It was so confusing, because usually the people who hated their 'best friend' was like, the mean girl kinda character who intentionally does it to hurt the innocent main character or something, but I was the one who felt wronged every time those feelings would come up. And this wasn't just a 'man it's so annoying when they do this specific thing.' This was active stewing, in a slow cooker, all day and all night kinda thing.

I was never romantically or sexually attracted to that person, but I probably wrote all this off as either unrelated sexuality or gender bullshit when I figured that out later. But knowing now that there was definitely someone (actually, I'm thinking of WAY more people as I'm typing this, and just realized why I stopped loving a band and started hating them 'for no reason' wow lmao) that I FP'ed who I definitely WASN'T attracted to, suddenly convinces me that I was probably right in suspecting B.P//D. (Or, y'know, maybe I don't have that specifically, and it's the symptom from a different facet of mental illness or whatever.) I've been so hung up over how I'm aro, sometimes ace, and then this 'only' happens towards people I am attracted to. Like, 'maybe it was love and I'm just terrible at it.' (No! It's not! Aro is correct! That's just the brain manipulating me to get another hit of dopamine off a FP! It's just easier to happen to someone I'm attracted to!)

It's no fucking wonder why I always worried about people hating me in secret, and it's because I was absolutely making myself insufferable because of that worry. I know for a fact that some people definitely did hate (or. Lmao. Shut up. Like, 'resented' maybe fits better) me for demanding constant attention that was never reciprocated by anyone I've ever met in my entire life.

I probably wrote-off so many symptoms as 'I was a moody teen and kind of an asshole.' Except it happened before and after I was a teen, too. I would have excused everything that happened during and before high school, when I should have been looking for these patterns I kept following for years after. It doesn't help that my first relationship was wildly toxic (mostly against me in this one case), and while I didn't feel particularly bothered by it after I got over the nightmare breakup, I just kept going 'What if it was the sole cause of all of this and I'm just repressing that?' Well, phew! No, it's not, that was thankfully just a toxic embarrassment, and not the source of all my problems. I was already on the shitstorm trajectory. That's a major relief. If you can call it that. I really don't like discussing that one, but not in a trauma way, more like a, you don't really wanna discuss pissing your pants on accident kinda way. Unpleasant to remember, wildly embarrassing to talk about, but ultimately not a life-altering event.

Ughhhhh. Maybe I should bring this (the mental illness not the relationship) up to the therapist. But like, I haven't been close friends with anyone in like 6 years or so, so I don't have any current or even recent examples about how being in friendships has always turned out Russian Roulette for me. My therapist doesn't seem to believe how bad it was for me to be in friendships where I was unintentionally FP'ing someone. Because besides the depression and anxiety (and mild OCD), I'm a totally normal person to her who's just dealing with shit health problems and grief (and frustration from being trans and not in a safe place to transition). Y'know, normal life problems most people will feel at some point, just chronic in my case. I may be weird, but I'm obviously far from the worst she's seen. I'm not uniquely mentally ill.

((Except the whole 'treatment resistant depression' diagnosis bullshit from the psych, but I'm learning it's not just mental issues I have that are treatment resistant lol.))

I tried talking to her about a small part of all this before, but IDK what I did wrong, she took it 100% as me being the one unintentionally wronged and not setting MY own boundaries (lmao), so like I don't know how to word this in a way she'd understand that most of my problems in this area were my own fault. (I mean that both negatively and neutrally, because it's an ugly side of mental illness, but not one I chose or know how to help.)

Not being in close friendships with anyone has had an understandably sane-ifying effect on me (barring the, y'know, depression/anxiety/OCD and baseline weirdness), which has gotten me trapped for the 5th time in 6 years of making my therapists believe I'm better off than I actually am. (I've done this to every therapist I've ever had before that, too.) But like, again, at least for the past 3 therapists and the latest psych, I AM actually better for not having close friends lmao. Only one therapist ever had one visit of me wanting to address these concerns specifically while they were currently active, and by the next visit, we had to shift exclusively to sudden new grief lol. (What a shitshow. It somehow always ends up that whenever I wanna treat an illness, it's like opening a can of worms, except the worms are firecrackers and I didn't set the can down and step back a few feet.)

Like, it obviously feels safer to not have close friends at all because there's no fear of abandonment if I have no one to begin with. And, genuinely, I operate better when I'm alone. But now that I've known safety, it's hard to imagine throwing myself back into the roulette wheel, hoping I don't land on red OR black. But fuck, man. It is lonely.

And being aro? It's freeing, and validating too, to have a word for it, but I'm not gonna mince words here, I hate it. I wish I could feel romantic love. Like normal, not mentally ill ""love."" I feel platonic love all the time, like for friends (not FP) always. I love saying 'I love you' to friends and meaning it. But I want to feel romantic love. I just don't. I just feel friendship, Favoriting, and/or sexual attraction sometimes. Probably why I'm so into shipping and fanfics. I got a lot more "probably why's" but I don't wanna go down that in this already vulnerable post lol. (I already made a whole post about one of the why's back in like 2013 or 14 lmao, without connecting it to this.)

Anyway, I put this whole mental illness and relationships deal into ugly imagery in a current fic WIP I'm working on, since recognizing I was aro took living through FP'ing a few 'romantic' relationships, before I even first heard the term FP. I only saw my experiences as 'I don't think I've been experiencing love' and that by itself felt like it fit. I didn't realize there was anything wrong, even as I outwardly said shit like 'I don't think I'm fit for being in a relationship' to the few people who asked me out, even when I wanted to say yes.

And then I kept trying to make relationships work lmao. I don't know why I even bothered. I just wanted to be wrong about being aro, especially when it was a point of contention (aro and ace separately) with some of the relationships.

I'd probably have to meet another aro person of the exact same flavour of aromanticism to make it work, but even then the mental illness would just be a ticking time bomb. No one wants to be the recipient of FP 'affection', except maybe sometimes the fictional people in a certain fiction trope that winds up being fetishistic, even if it's not intended to insult real people (but sometimes it is). And it's just a reminder of how I was probably a big source of toxicity for probably half the people who have ever been close with me, if it's even half of how fiction portrays people with this symptom.

I dunno where I wanted to end this vent, so here's probably a good place. Just wanted to get this off my chest, because it just now felt like a pretty big revelation that my problems weren't related to romanticism, I've had purely platonic instances of this dating back to being an older kid, and more during high school, and I just never connected the two before now.

#dont read if u think im cool #id rather stay cool lol #long post #delete later / /#(in case i change my mind or wanna edit)#Cori.exe #Post.exe #man i talk a lot #shouldve spent this time writing fics instead but i rly needed to talk (type) this out since i dont wanna bring it up in therapy again yet #anyway lmao there we go #rly excited for the fic tho. besides the stuff i mentioned i also took this popular trope and #wait #why am i spoiling it im not gonna convince anyone who read this post lol youll just have to wait for the hot platonic smmmmmut #and hilarious storytelling by one char #and then (still a wip) round 2 #bc no fic is complete until theres a round 2. imo.#((yes i know i have a different round 2 thats over a month late past when i was gonna post it lol i havent forgotten))#here we go writing an essay in the tags now too lmao #ok i need a break for my eyes and then im gonna try to write the platonic one more #hhhh anxious tht my reputation will tank from posting this. idk how i or my 2 followers will survive th consequent backlash and cancellation #(joke)#(still anxious tho)#(i have diagnosed chronic anxiety lol)#eager to know what id be cancelled from tho. maybe my puppetfuckinglicense gets revoked.#maybe my shrimp get taken into protective custody #shrustody #sorry i dont mean to make light of legit cancellations im just trying to convince myself its okay to post on my own blog #good fucking luck catching all those shrimp tho i dont even know how many i have. they control their own population at this point.#they probably have their own system of... shrovernment #Prime Shrimpister Isosceles rules with an iron swimerette i wouldnt wanna interfere with that sovereign nation

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ghosthart · 8 months

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it’s my first time going on a trip completely by myself like i’ve flown alone a lot but i always met someone after getting off the plane i’ve never had to fly by myself AND figure out logistics myself and get around a big city alone like i’ve never been in an uber at all let alone by myself so i’m like so nervous fr 😖

#like i have to find a shuttle bus that will take me to my hotel after the flight #and then i have to wait a while and then check into my hotel room #never done that before lol #and then have to use uber to get to the concert i’m going to #and then get around the concert venue by myself 😖#and then get an uber again after to get to my hotel and i’m worried about that one fr #cuz idk what the traffic will be like #and how difficult it’ll be to find my ride or what #and then have to check out of my room early in the morning to make my flight back home #and gotta take the shuttle back for that too #apparently u are supposed to tip shuttle drivers #but i don’t carry cash so i’m like 🤔#like all these little things are driving me insane #that i’m having a hard time being excited about the concert itself #cuz i’m so stressed and anxious about everything else surrounding it #i hope i don’t get talkative drivers #cuz ill be so stressed and nervous ill probably start crying if they try to make a ton of small talk #also mildly nervous about safety #like im a very easy target #im a very small woman who looks super young #and ill be alone in a very busy city like 💀#like i do live in a city but it’s small compared to other places

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southislandwren · 2 years

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i made a snapchat about it too but i love the vibes of my mom facetiming me with my baby cousins and ive been day drinking for 3 hours and im a little off my rocker rn. but mom said because im neurodivergent this might be the best i get with alcohol which means i can stop trying to get drunk now

#tbh this is nothing special. this is like when im tired and cant think #so idk what i'll do with the half bottle of vodka in my freezer but like. not seeing a big upside to drinking #i mean. lol in september when my boss and her mom get a hold of me.... i am EXCITED #like yess someone to make me drink faster than 1 drink every 1.5 hours #(which might also be contributing to how normal i am right now. i drink sooo slowly)#and this is actually way better than drinking with other people bc im not anxious. its just me and my lemonade #diary post #see? still about my wits to tag my stupid fucking rambling #i am so responsible

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pizzapizzadickz · 2 years

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Fuck it's so fucking hot out. I had to take the bus back but so much has changed so it took a fair bit of time to get back (I also did a bit of shopping). I had fun tho. I bought a coffee so I wouldn't feel like shit as soon as I got back.

#lost #diary #personal #ffs its 29⁰C rn. i felt like death. only reason i survived the trek to the bus terminal was bc of the ice from my iced drink.#drugs tw #haaah. i did end up buying some oil type edible weed shit. and a drink!!! i was too anxious to buy any other edibles tho.#i also got some hojicha tea!!! im so excited to try it tbh.#hehehe. i did a lot today!!! it was fun.#im sitting infront of the register rn cooling tf off. its rly nice. also drinking water!!!#tbh im a lil scared to go out to stain without drinking some water first lol #suicidal ideation #like maybe??? anyways i just remembered something dumb i used to do when i was in highschool!#i used to like. just take 6+ ibprofen or other pain pills bc i just wanted the pain to go away for a bit.#rly i wouldve been better of with like ANY drug besides that but oh well. i guess i liked the poeticism #plus i was building up to something bigger back then lmao #haah. i rly wouldve been deep into drug use in high school if i had more friend. especially ones into that.#but oh well. i dont rly care one way or another #anywho i also got sorta overwhelmed after i got home and started to settle down today.#idk maybe it was the somg i was listening to but i think i was also overstimulated.#that why im chilling rn #i dont wanna push myself too far and start fucking sobbing n hitting myself #self harm #eating disorder #also i a little weight. im down to 110 rn. i think the lowest i ever go is around here. maybe i got to 100 at one point.#anyways ill try to keep a watch on it so it doesnt get too severe. but idk. i like seeing number go do2n #lmao. anywho imma go read n chill and maybe work some mor3? but rly i may be too tired already but id like to try at least lol.#if i cant do it today tomorrow is an option too ig? tho im not sure if i should bc ill probably 2ork on wed/thus. hmm. oh well

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tteokdoroki · 1 month

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aali 💕 cutie pie. what do your favs find the cutest parts of you? the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh, or maybe the way you fidget when you get nervous, etc? 👂 tell meeee

BUNNY 🥺🫶🏾‼️ hello my baby!!! oh gosh oh what a lovely question hehe im smewching you

yuuji finds it cute that im always pushing up my glasses !! sometimes he does it for me when he notices them slipping down my nose but mostly he likes to watch me adjust them or clean them he just finds it adorable how i use one finger to slide them back up idk he’s a loser

tobio finds it cute that my nose scrunches just before a really big sneeze !!! he always says i look like a little kitten :( (sometimes i sneeze so big i nearly knock myself over LOL) so he’d just find that so adorable and steady me in place <3 he now carries tissues on hand during hay fever season

katsuki finds it cute that i can’t hide my facial expressions hehe - he’s good at reading me anyways but if he spots me across the room and notices me cringing at something it always makes him laugh. he loves that my eyes light up when im excited or how i’ll pout instantly when i spot the greens he’s hidden in my food (bleck i hate green veggies), he finds it hilarious that i can’t hold back my resting bitch face or disgust when im around something i dislike <3

satoru finds it cute that i fidget when im flustered or nervous. if its the latter hes always leaning in real close to watch how i’ll back up and squirm underneath his gaze but when i’m anxious he’ll find something for me to toy with until i feel better (his pockets are filled with sticky/blue tack for me to pull apart when i’m nervous) he thinks it’s sweet

yoichi finds my laughter cute !! sometimes it’s super wheezy, the silent laughter where your whole body moves instead of making a sound and he just adores it..: he doesn’t think he’s very funny or at least doesn’t realise it but loves to make me laugh so he tries his best so he can watch me do my silly giggly jig or even tickles me to hear how loud my laughter can get !!

and finally, seishiro finds it cute that i scrunch myself up when i sleep - i always curl up on myself when i get tired and like tuck my arms under my shirt and i think he would adore that :( looking at how tiny i make myself!! its also easier for him to wrap his giant self around me when he gets sleepy !! just slots himself right behind me and absorbs all of my body heat hehe >:D

#✧ ₊˚✉️੭ — new notification #✧ ₊˚੭ — close friends story #♡ ₊˚bunny.🐇#⋆˚࿔ 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐬 𝜗𝜚˚⋆#IM SORRY I RAMBLED #THIS IS DUCH A CUTE ASK #MY HEART IS FULL

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texasbama · 2 months

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Hiya I know you're a safe space and I need to get this out, so sorry in advance 🙃.

I see how amazing canon bi buck is for the queer community and I don't mind how it happened in canon. But while I should be happy, I actually kind of feel like I'm mourning? I'm so attached to eddie, maybe unhealthily so, and the ensemble found family dynamic is what first brought me to the show. For a while it's been a struggle having the fandom basically shove buck into every spec or storyline and act like he is a perfect angel and the centre of the universe. But there was always the eddiezers and it was more balanced. But now literally EVERYBODY is all about buck and tommy. It feels like the rest of the show doesn't even exist. I know its only been a couple of days but going on social media now just makes me anxious and idk why really. I'm worried about future eddie storylines, I'm desperate for marisol to disappear, but the vibe is that now buck is bi nothing else matters, we've won apparently, who even cares about eddie or the other characters because buck kissed a man.

Also I'm sex-repulsed ace and people saying how if you don't like it you're a purist and an evangelical and homophobic and biphobic actually makes me feel like shit. I never really understood wanting two characters to have sex 'because why not', because I don't understand why anyone wants to ever lol. I can only read buddie smut in very specific scenarios and most of the time i skip even that. And the rhetoric in a lot of tumblr space recently makes me feel like a bad person for not being all for it 100%. I don't think I've explained myself well here but I tried. You don't have to reply or post this either, I just wanted to reach out to someone in fandom who won't jump down my throat for it 😅. 911 is kind of a hyperfixation of mine so even though I'm trying to stay away as much as possible so as to not make myself more upset but I have no idea what to do with myself otherwise 🫠. Thanks for reading and sorry for unloading on you

Please don’t apologize, im happy you felt like I was a safe space. Im gonna break this into two parts and I hope I can articulate myself correctly lol

1) the first few days after an episode, any episode but especially one like this, isn’t indicative of fandom as a whole. Emotions are heightened due to what happened in the episode. Everyone is screaming about something and it’s in your face ya know? This week something HUGE happened, so yes people are talking about it. It was to be expected. We must make space for people to be happy about it. It’s a beautiful thing and queer joy MUST be celebrated.

This show (for the most part) has done a beautiful job of giving each character their time to shine(some more so than others but thats a conversation for a different day). Coming off 7x04, yes the headline is Bi Buck. And it will continue to be for a while, but it’s important to remember that YOU curate your fandom experience. I don’t blame you at all for what you’re feeling, ESPECIALLY as an Eddie girlie(gn), like I get it! Trust me! I’ve had to carefully maneuver through some emotions this week myself. I’m human! But filtering and being able to step away is everything.

Being excited about the storyline and also hoping and wanting more from other storylines are two things that can be true at the same time. It’s not one or the other. Remember that.

2) im going to say this and just know the caps is because I am just passionate. I promise you, its yelling at you with love okay?

I know it is easier said than done, but don’t you EVER allow ANYONE on this fucking hellsite make you feel less than or that your asexuality is anything but 100% valid. YOU are valid, you hear me?

Okay. I had to make sure to say that first. Whew. Now. As for the fandom piece of it all, we have to remember that there levels to it. You are allowed to feel the way you feel about sex, BUT it’s also important to remember that sex positivity (and those who express it) is also a good and valid. If you feel like there are blogs that talk down to you, imply that YOU are homophobic or biphobic simply because YOU are not doing cartwheels about different sex acts, then block. Unfollow. Do whatever you need to. Those people are scum.

Listen to me *pulls you close*, this is always a safe space. You are a valid, your existence and experiences are valid. And anyone who makes you question that can fuck right off. And lastly, HAPPY ASEXUALITY DAY TO YOU SPECIFICALLY! MUAH! 💜🤍🩶🖤

#this got REALLY long and I am sorry for that lmfaoooo #911 asks

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cringelordofchaos · 9 months

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(copied from my own comment on the "TMF ADHD Jake Sterling" video because I'm way too lazy to write it all down again. this is in relation to the HC of him having ADHD that I will self project onto :)))

ADHD Jake Sterling thoughts

I LOVE THIS

Ok while him spacing out often could very much be explained by just the situation he was put in, it could also be adhd. But he zones out a _lot_ and its worth pointing out. Hes barely paying attention to his surroundings lol

Hes also very passionate about stuff to the point of obsessions to the point of people making fun of him for it (like with daisy and music (yes you can hyperfixate on people)), most people with adhd have hyperfixations and such (obviously neurotypical people can too, just pointing it out)

Ive also heard of someohe saying he could have RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria). People with adhd oftentimes struggle with RSD. Rsd can make some people be really anxious when it comes to having to deal with rejection or others negative opinions on them to the point of extreme insecurity. This can make people with rsd people pleasers as well and feel guilty almost all the time. People with adhd are much more likely to have rsd. Of course jake could be neutotypicsl snd his rsd might be very well be explained by his backstory, but like ive said before, i just wanted to point it out. But him havig rsd kinda makes sense considering how hes so afraid of asking daisy out and stuff, and also how he was so guilty of what hes done (of course these things could very well be explained by other factors)

He also sometimes sort of.. misses social cues?? Or like,, be generally oblivious. For example, when he talked about losing milo in the soup isle, he didnt seem to realize it wasnt funny to others at first. Also because in episode 11 when hailey went ON to talk about how shes been thinking of Jakes apology and everything, and making it VERY clear that she understands jake and how she felt sbout his apology, he didnt tske the hint and instead hsd to ask for direct clarification to see if Hailey forgave him. This could be a mix of being spcially oblivious+ rsd. A,so i forgot to say: neurodivergent people, especially neurodiverse, often miss social cues snd have harder time socializing. So felt like it was worth pointing it out at least. Also idk if this is relevant st sll but hes a horrible liar lol

Also this is not related to him having adhd but just him being neurodivergent. And its about him having hallucinations. This might be very far fetched but he mightve hallucinated those three guys in episode eleven to be drew henry and liam for a brief second when they werent?? Or im looking top much into it and he simply thought it was them because he didnt see them properly and they had the same hair colours. Idk

Another thing is emotional dysregulation/being more prone to emotional outbursts. I think Milly shows this well but jake might have it as well?? He did get really angry suddenky at episode nine, and he does seem to get really excited when it comes to music or daisy

Hes a bit impulsive, suggested by all the nonsense he spouted out in episode nine, because he didnt think straight, and he didnt think it through. This could also be a combination of emotional dysregulation as well. And just overall pressure he received

He also stims sometimes s bit though rarely (like in episode nine, episode eight and probably more)(though granted neurotypicals stim too)

Also his experiences of being bullied and being so lonely, and having to learn to mask yourself and pretend to be someone youre not in order to fit in.. i can definitely relate to that (and many ND people in general can as well).

Also i think TMF might be a nd allegory, seeing as the message of the show is practically to just BE YOURSELF and accept yourself and stuff which granted is a universal experience but its definitely more prevalent in nd and queer stories

(Sorry for all the grammatical errors! I wasnt too careful while typing this, i have butter fingers and autocorrect is currently not doing me much favours.)

Edit: hes also hyperreactice, which might be a part of hyperactivity

#tmf jake #jake tmf #tmf jake sterling #the music freaks jake #the music freaks #tmf #jake Sterling #adhd headcanon #nd #uhh ye idk what else to tag

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ghostiewriter · 11 months

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Hi ghostie this is kinda out of nowhere but I’ve been wanting to ask you a question. So idk if I’m totally tripping or if I saw that you don’t really like Elain in acotar and I just wanna know the reasoning behind it.

I feel like I see so much hate on her character (I absolutely think she and nesta were shitty for the way they treated feyre throughout their whole childhood I’m not excusing that) and I might be completely wrong but I feel like so many people hate her because she’s not like nesta and feyre where they’re literal warriors and are strong hearted and brave. And before anyone attacks me I love all three sisters (nesta a little less because man she could be a fucking bitch to everyone for the stupidest shit a lot which had to do with depression and low self worth but sometimes it was just uncalled for but I’m hoping she’ll be better in the future books).

I’m a middle child and have a younger and older sister and it’s kinda crazy because I can see our personalities match the archeron sisters although the book personalities are more exaggerated my older sister is not that bad trust me, but I definitely see their bravery and strong hearts and stubbornness and can see them as warriors even if none of us can fight for shit lol. I genuinely feel like I relate more to elain with her kindness and compassions being the leading traits she has (I don’t do plants I love painting though anything artsy is my thing). I’m not a very brave person and I tend to be the one who mediates in any arguments and it makes me wildly anxious to be around when I’m with people who are fighting or arguing. I’ve also always had low self esteem and it’s hard for me to set boundaries with others because I’ve always been a people pleaser and tried to do anything to avoid upsetting others (I’m working on it and I’d say I’m better than a few years ago).

My sisters have “jokingly” called me weak mentally, physically, and emotionally because I’ve had depressive/anxious episodes where they sometimes find me crying in my moms arms because I wasn’t really good at managing my emotions (I feel incredibly deeply sometimes it’s horrible but when I’m happy I’m ecstatic, also I grew up in a household where negative emotions were avoided being talked about so none of us were able to learn to regulate them when they got out of hand). I guess I just see a lot of similarities between myself and elain where it feels like they sometimes treat me like I’ll break at the slightest inconvenience while also low key despise me for being this way? I feel like I’ve come a long way since a year ago and I feel like im beginning to master myself and my emotions and am slowly but surely becoming more sure of myself and set boundaries. I wish I could be brave like them and I believe I’ll get there someday but I also don’t think that remaining kind and empathetic and compassionate despite witnessing so many terrible things makes me less of a person than them. They tend to just assume rather than to put themselves in another persons shoes (I’d catch myself doing the same sometimes but I’ve realized it’s usually to make me feel better about putting others down).

Im realizing now that this just turned into a venting session and I’m truly sorry for that I know you’ve been busy with Jiara week (very excited btw :)) and I know I shouldn’t let the way people feel about a character hurt me it’s dumb lol it just made me feel like shit for being so similar to a character a bunch of people hate. I hope you don’t think less of me for this but I would really like to know what you think of elain.

this was...this was a lot of a thursday morning ngl!

i hope you don't take my answer personally since elain is a fictional character and all of this is based towards her, but i just don't find her a very interesting character. i understand she isn't a warrior-type female character and she isn't the first one sarah j maas has written. elide and yrene are examples of characters who are more love than war and i adored them endlessly. they were well written and had so much personality beyond the fact they were kind.

elain just feels really superficial to me and maybe that will change with her book, but i honestly can't say i care all that much about her. in the first book, yes nesta was a bitch but at least she was something. elain had nothing going. then potential came after she had been turned and yet still she somehow managed to remain the most boring character in this series when she arguably has some of the coolest powers. i feel like its overlooked how much she hurt feyre as well just because she is kind. as well as the fact that she just overlooks how much nesta protected her, not because she was made of glass but because she loved her.

the lucien stuff also kinda puts a bad taste in my mouth. i think stringing him along and not giving him a chance whilst also not making a decision is just a bit shitty. yes, she was traumatised and went through a lot but she also had no reason to be so hostile towards him when she was so kind to everyone else? like at least nesta was self-destructive with all her relationships, not just one.

anyways, i hope that answered your question!

#ask #elain archeron #acotar

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aropride · 1 year

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i am losing it the tiniest bit .

googling like "my mother treats me like a child" or wgatever just brings up like ppl talking abt their mothers not wanting them to grow up or not giving them enough freedom which is a valid problem and one i have but it is a completely different problem from the one im looking for information on which is that i am a 20 year old man and my mother babytalks at me like a four year old on a regular basis. its drivng me fucking crazy but i dont want to argue and she wouldnt listen anyway she'd probably just be like "i dont do that" which .okay. but like holy fucking shit it is SO annoying and demeaning and WEIRD.

and like i can handle it when she treats me like. a teenager. like whatever im 20 close enough i dont care. but when she treats me like im 10. or 7. or fucking 4. its like. what the fuck is your problem.

and like okay i was thinking abt this the other day bc i was talking 2 my dad like just hanging out and he was treating me like a Person and like. idk i feel like when he had kids he was Expecting and Excited for us to turn into little people with our own thoughts and free will (maybe not the transgender communist thing i think that was a bit far but he's always been supportive in terms of like. me being my own person otherwise).

and my dad volunteers at church with some of the kids like 9-12 age range, and a lot of them have rough home lives and 'act out' cuz of that and he's very patient with them and helps them with what theyre going thru and generally just acts like theyre little people. because they ARE little people. like he genuienly cares for those kids and is always like... taking them to the park and stuff but also like, being character witness for their parents' custody battles n shit like actually helping and suppotying them.

whereas my mother volunteers at church with babies and toddlers and its almost like she sees them as pets. and will complain abt them being annoying or MEAN if they cry or dont want to play with her. like she's nice to them but she will complain abt it as if theyre trying to spite her

and i feel like she didnt become a parent bc she wanted to raise a small human i feel like she just wanted a pet. and shes been better with my sister but when i was a kid the second i was like 6 and developed some free will she kinda like. Moved on from me LOL. and stopped caring abt me outside of like. buying food. wire mother type shit. idk it's just really obvious that my dad cares abt these kids as people but my mother cares abt them for only as long as they dont upset her or do something she doesnt want them to. if that makes sense

and idk its like. i am 20 years old. im not going to go back to a 4 year old with no sense of the world outside of u because I AM TWENTY YEARS OLD. I HAVE LIVED ALONE IN SCHOOL I HAVE GONE TO THE DMV I HAVE WORKED A JOB I HAVE DEALT WITH MEDICAL EMERGENCIES ON MY OWN . i have had to make my way through every single social problem and mental health problem and shit since i was SIX bc thats when she stopped giving a shit about me. im not a child anymore

but i think its also part of why im so fucking bad at Being An Adult. bc she never taught me how do to any of this shit bc she was busy pretending im still a little kid. and now im too anxious to figure out how to do things on my own and i dont know how to ask for help and everything is very overwhelming and she tells me she wants me to get a job but doesnt help and she acts like she wants me to leave but she doesnt tell me that or help me leave and i am SO FUCKING SICK of living at home but i dont have the money or the skills to get out

and she's NEVER helped me with adult stuff either . the only thing i can think of is when she took me to the bank bc i needed her signature to take her off my bank account . otherwise my dad has been the one to help me with college applications + college stuff in general + finances + jobs etc etc . whereas my mother ACTIVELY LIES TO ME ABOUT THOSE THINGS TO TRY TO STOP ME FROM GETTING MY OWN DEBIT CARD !!!!!!!!!!

and it's this fucking exhausting mix of signals where she's like "u need to get a job u need to learn to drive u need to do this and that" but also she Literally , not exageratting , treats and talks to me like i am a child . i am so fucking sick of it it's unreal . i am going to lose my fucking mind .

#text #neg #really long post abt my mother U dont have 2 read it im just going fucking crazy

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piviani · 2 years

Text

what enha currently feels about their current tour

( disclaimer: please do remember to take my readings with a grain of salt. i am in no way a professional tarot reader and all of this are alleged and is for entertainment purposes only. )

note: hello everyone wow its been awhile! but anyways i just had the sudden urge to read about what they currently feel now that the world tour is finally starting 😭 (sk is already done and THEY WERE ???? jaw dropping. fr. fr. the dance break COUGH COUGH) + and last this is kind of a rushed reading so excuse if there might be some grammar mistakes or sum ..

jungwon

ace of swords

awe jungwon is currently in that moment where he feels that wow the world really is built different for everybody. he is now in the clear set of mind. emotionally he is in a good place! it might feel very new to him but with this card its positive! as in general context it means new ideas, new environment, new beginnings.. whatever that is new. ITS ALL NEW. he feels a great strong of emotion too. because Its what he is patiently waiting and craving for, after what happened to his life.

heeseung

five of swords in reverse

dude is ready! hes now feeling ready after that unexplainable unhappy thoughts he had about their tour in the past. its possible he was getting quite anxious? but anyways all that now is buried! hes now feeling happy and reassured that it will all turn out fine. its all about new life to him now. “forget the past and move forward.”

jay

temperance

wow this is lovable.. jay feels a sense of calm. the typa calm after you arrive in ur home from a long ass tiring shift you know? a feeling of ease.. like yeah this is why im doing all this.. for my love ones or whatever that he holds dearly. i think with just the world temperance in general we know what it already feels like for him tbh 😭 a very good feeling. he feels happy! too happy! and he even feels grateful too. he feels like this is all connected. a very 🥰 moment where you just have to bring out your phone and capture the moment because you know you will look back to it everytime. he feels that.

jake

the star

whats with jake and this card everytime.. (i always pull this whenever i read for him..) similar with jay! he is also as well feeling ‘that’. might sound er with this but this just so pure. fr. not even kidding. his eyes be sparkling whenever he thoughts of tour. seems like hes been waiting for this for so long too! a very new feeling for him as well. he feels like this is some new era for him. (technically it is a new era for all of them).

sunghoon

six of swords in reverse

unclear card so i apologize in advance if my interpretation might sound a bit er. but anyways sunghoon feels kind of hesitant with this? i dont exactly know why (as ive said in this type of qs this card is unclear (atleast to me). he might be holding back? .. its possible this is all getting into him.. he might feel overwhelmed or he might not be feeling at his best at the moment.

sunoo

the magician in reverse

🫠 unclear to me again! i swear why they aint letting me dude… but anyways with the magician its possible he is currently feeling that he should be more fittable more. he feels that himself is not enough for the tour. almost like he feels that he doesn’t deserve all this. he still is insisting to keep both of his eyes shut closed. he is unsure.. uncertain.

riki

three of cups

aw riki feels happy. hes looking forward for the tour! hes excited to meet different kinds of people and bond, enjoy, and hang with them. all good feelings hes genuinely uplifted its making him feel wonders. a joyous environment 😭

end note: idk but u might notice my reading? interpretations? are kind of different and if u think the admin is different now no its not its just me lol hehe i have quite different of personality every occurrence

[ reading was done in Sep 20, 2022. ]

#kpop tarot #kpop #enhypen tarot #tarot #enhypen #enhypen astrology #yang jungwon #lee heeseung #park jongseong #sim jaeyun #park sunghoon #kim sunoo #riki nishimura

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