Clive Smith, Artist / Ian Cumberland, Distance I / Miriam Adeney, Kingdom Without Borders / Dir. Andrei Tarkovsky, The Sacrifice (1986) / Pascal Mercier, Train to Lisbon / Malcom Liepke, Repose / Margaret Randall, So Many Rooms Has A House But One Roof / Dir. Damien Chazelle, Whiplash (2014)
I felt like crying but nothing came out. it was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad, when you can't feel any worse. I think you know it. I think everybody knows it now and then. but I think I have known it pretty often, too often.
Distance II, 2018 by Ian Cumberland (oil on linen, carpet, 90 × 100 × 140 cm) // Charles harles Bukowski, from Tales of Ordinary Madness, 1967
The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath | Distance, Ian Cumberland | Gold Rush, Taylor Swift | Sky Full of Song, Florence + The Machine | Falling, Florence + The Machine | Failing and Flying, Jack Gilbert | Dream of Freedom, Ivana Živić |
(1) Ladybird 2017 dir. Greta Gerwig // (2) @/ghost-sketchbook , Tumblr // (3) Ribs by Lorde // (4) Nemes1s: ZOR, Youtube // (5) 'Birthday Cake' Sari Shryack // (6) @/ojibwa, Tumblr // (7) Kids Like Us by Maggie Rogers // (8) 'The Chaos and The Calm' Libby Haines // (9) @/bitterfaces , Tumblr // (10) Two Slow Dancers by Mitski // (11 + 12) Little Women 2019 dir. Greta Gerwig // (13) Jenny Slate // (14) 'Haunting Birthday to You' Sophia Rapata // (15) @/lizbet1325 , pinterest // (16) Class of 2013 by Mitski // (17) 'Distance I' Ian Cumberland // (18) 'Spring' Mary Oliver
In 2004, I slipped out of the pocket of Ian Thomas’ denim JNCO jorts and fell into the darkness deep beneath the gym bleachers at Cumberland Hills Middle School. ( For the record, Ian’s jorts had a bulldog patch on the back pocket. They were sick.) For Ian, the consequences of my neglectful disappearance were fleeting; he had to wash his dad’s car and couldn’t play Halo for a weekend.
Me? I faced a solitary prison. My battery stayed alive for a month, and everytime someone called Ian, “Come Out and Play” by the Offspring rang out in the cavernous purgatory. My neighbors? A crumpled up Gogurt wrapper. Dust. A desiccated Cheeto. A clove cigarette that fell out of Ryan Ashbin’s pocket in 2006; crumpled up detention slips; later, an influx of Silly Bandz. Livestrong Bracelets. For nineteen years, I could smell only buttsweat and Axe; in 2007, a gym sock fell a few inches from me and I prayed for the vicious odor to be fumigated.
The massive quaking and reverberations from pep rallys ; the secret conversations. Usher on loop during school dances.
I have been a silent witness.
A witness to conversations soaked in the melodrama of existing, for a moment, as a thirteen year old. To them, it felt like forever, like it was everything. But I saw them pulled away by time, out of the school, away and into the world. A collection of tiny moments, faded into the ether, that at one time, to some kid, mattered more than anything else.
Vince Garcia scrambling up the bleachers, tears in his eyes, huddled at the top corner, hyperventilating. Mr. Bennet following shortly behind him, his massive body creaking up the bleachers, gently coaxing Vince to come back to class.
“It’s my dad,” Vince croaked. “He’s dying.”
Rosie Blair admitting to her best friend that she cut herself. Tom Gatlin coming out to his best friend. Macie Howard breaking up with Danny Evans and dating Howie Grant and then getting back together with Danny and Danny’s ex-Tracey Young jumping Macie and pulling her hair. A debate that almost devolved into a fistfight over whether Bigfoot existed in San Andreas.
I have seen the years pass by through the cracks in the bleachers. On a cold December afternoon in 2023, light permeated the darkness. A hand grasped me, and pulled me out of the catacombs.
I guess I had it better than most old phones; discarded in a landfill, resting beneath piles of junk in a drawer. And I don’t know where I am going.
Phones today are fragile, glassy, imperceptible to me. I cannot fathom what they can do. I don’t think I’ll be returning to the workforce.
Maybe I’ll write a book? Maybe they’ll run me over with a truck and film it, just to see how indestructible I really am.
But when September rolls around, and the nervous sixth graders fill the gym, waiting for orientation, I won’t be underneath the bleachers.
"I crave the sweet surrender of sleep and my dreams' uncensored communication: no tiresome small talk, sucking up to impress, or tiptoeing around charged topics. Dreams are the naked truth; get ready for it.”