#i've been applying for two months

[youvebeenlivingfictionalreplies]

.

#personal post #will delete later #whining here because i have no monwy for therapy right now #i'm just feeling so stressed and so tired and so worthless and stupid #like what was the point of sinking myself into literally 100K worth of student debt for this masters if i can't even get a job in the field #like this was supposed to turn shit around for me #and i can't even get entry level positions #like what do i need to fix. what am i doing wrong #i've been applying for two months #before i even finished school #and i'm getting nothing but rejections #i feel so trapped #and i feel dumb for working my ass off in school because it has gotten me nowhere #i just feel like i can't take a breath #like i can't be happy about graduation because i can't find a fucking job #it just feels like the last two years were for nothing #and i don't know what to do #i could be a good if someone just let me get my foot in the door and just gave me a fucking chance #i'm just asking for a chance and i can't get that

[writeouswriter]

Started watching a show with one character that my friends just absolutely hate, like truly despise, they think he's shallow and see no sense of redeeming qualities or characteristics or anything, they cannot *stand* him, but I... think he's so far the most complex and compelling character of the series.

Like, sure, he's done some questionable things, he's very much the product of his terrible upbringing, perpetuating the cycle of abuse; he's not quote unquote "good," but he's interesting *as a character,* you see how he cycles between doing good things and bad, you understand why he is the way he is, you see how he digs himself deeper, and my friends said well, they prefer characters who *break* the cycle, who dig themselves out of it, which, yeah, that's fine, sure, but... you do realize it doesn't always work like that, right? Some people don't break the cycle, some people can't, and not always for lack of trying. And even if it did work like that, you do realize the difficulty of that task, right? Breaking that cycle doesn't just happen overnight (or over the length of a single episode or even several), it's messy, it's ugly, it's gradual, it takes time, and this particular show is still very much in its infancy.

Even then, if that really is their caveat, in this case, in the little details, even if he screws up more often than not and isn't directly shunned, even if it's not in conventional, accepted or huge ways, you can clearly see this character actually *is* trying? To be a better father, to care for his friends, amidst his own issues and his fear of being seen as vulnerable or taken for granted, underneath a very obvious mask *designed* to make people see him one way or be disgusted by him, but audiences have no patience anymore... and no ability to sense when a mask *is* a mask, even when it slips, even when presented on a stage.

I mean, I'm not saying they have to *like* this character, to each their own, he's weird, he is occasionally awful, I understand the distaste on that front, but it's genuinely disheartening to see all the other details of his personality just completely fly under the radar or over everyone's heads because no one wants to look beyond the surface, and no one wants a "damaged" character anything less than pure or palatable in specific ways. No one wants a less than perfect victim.

And yeah I know I'm overreacting a little, again, I reiterate, you can like or dislike any character you want for whatever reasons you please, god knows I hate plenty of characters and some don't have any redeeming qualities even writing wise, but... sometimes looking at things just a little longer or through a different perspective can give you a whole new respect or understanding you might never have thought of.

Characters are complex. People are complex. And sometimes, it really *is* that deep, and you can't expect every character or piece of media to hold your hand and directly spell out its moral code for you like it's made for children.

#media #character analysis #media analysis #blorbo from my shows #this almost word for word could weirdly apply to two separate characters i've been watching 😭 #but it's actually not about the usual character i go on vague rambles about #anywho... #on writing (sort of) #tv shows #media literacy #this is a long rant for a character i don't even particularly have strong feelings for but it applies to other things in a broader sense 😭 #and just going in braced for the worst with this one from everything they said of him... actually seeing him and how he acted was just like #wait hold on now this doesn't match up #anyway posting this now because if i don't i'll probably fret over it in drafts for months #i'm not even saying the media is good i'm just saying some things are a little more complex than given credit 😭 #and it's sad we're losing that #long post #i guess

[elvenbeard]

spent all morning apartment hunting, writing e-mails, phoning a potential landlady... *melts into a puddle*

send some good vibes my way to find something/ someone willing to rent to me despite me A) not being rich and B) trying to move across the country and not able to show up in person spontaneously and on a whim.

#finding a job turned out surprisingly easy... finding a place apparently is not 😭 #despite some listings I applied to having been online for 3+ months... I've gotten like - 4 replies out of around 20 applications so far #one of which was a no - another was only automated robot responses so far but I've at least made it to 'you're being considered' #the other two were actual humans one of which has ghosted me by now and the other isn't keen on renting to me without meeting in person #which... I get. 100%. I wouldn't wanna do that just like that either. but lady gimme a chance!! I'm nice I promise #and I have way too big anxiety to not pay my rent on time #just want a quiet space just for myself and my cat #personal stuff #sorry I gotta.... scream into the void a bit cause I'm stressed af xD

[alsaurus-loves-dean]

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#last month i wrote some tags about how i needed to leave my nails alone because i was getting extensions #in the hopes that i would finally stop biting my nails after doing it almost my whole life #well it FUCKING WORKED #i got gel x tips and i loved them sooooo much #but they kept coming off because i have to do so much with my hands especially in water lol #and i have tiny fingers too so the sizes she had weren't quite right #she redid the ones that came off for free for the whole three weeks i wore them! #so i bought her some new tips in tiny person sizes as a thank you lol #for her to use on other clients tho because she recommended this gel overlay system she likes #I've been wearing it for like a week and a half and they are still FLAWLESS #so I'm never going back to anything else lol i'm going to keep getting these pretty much forevwr #but anyway the important part is. that i no longer put my fingers in my mouth to destroy my nails and cuticles #i have real grownup hands now and it's AMAZING #my nail plate is reattaching to my nail bed!!!! like the bed is getting longer #they'll eventually reach the actual tips of my fingers the way theyre supposed to 😍 #and the gel keeps the nails hard and almost fucking unbreakable #i had to replace my compulsion to bite/chew with the compulsion to apply cuticle oil lol but it's SO WORTH IT #i look at pictures of how my hands used to look just two months ago and i cant fucking believe i lived that way for DECADES #and i guess this is especially significant for me because my hands have always been a source of shame #not just because my nails were fucking gross and fucked up. but because i have TINY HANDS #like really small hands. not proportionate to my body. AT ALL #especially when i put my hands near my head because i have a slightly larger than average head lmaooo #and my fingers are very thin and just. i have small hands. very weak. #i cant even snap my fingers and make a sound #(do NOT instruct me. i know how to do it. i have been trying my whole life. its not physically possible for my fingers to make that sound) #so having nice nails really fucking helps me 🥹 #like i can be proud of my hands even if theyre small #and i dont feel the need to hide them anymore

[erabundus]

my  favorite  kind  of  headcanons  for  canon  muses  are  the  ones  where  you  take  their  original  design  and  tweak  it  in  little  ways  —  particularly  as  a  direct  result  of  something  that's  happened  in  a  thread.  just  taking  this  framework  provided  by  the  original  source  material  and  really  making  it  your  own.

#𝟎𝟎𝟏 : 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯. ◟ ooc .◝ #tbd . #( i say ''canon muses'' but this can apply to ocs as well! ) #( i just love giving my blogs / muses a sense of continuity ) #( inspired by the half finished pride month sketch i've been staring at for literally two weeks now. ) #( when i draw ren i tend to make his hair longer & somewhat messier / wilder than wanderer's ''canon'' design ) #( he's had painted nails ever since farrow offered to start painting them ) #( & he wears a ring on his right ring finger ever since kazuha gave him one for white day too ) #( + his eyes glow faintly in the dark & he has sharp upper & lower canines. the catboy has become 20% more catboy. )

[mintaka-iii]

My mental health can't possibly good if an essay on the found family trope gives me such an indescribable feeling of hollowness and yearning

#Generally I know things are bad when some media is unbearable to consume #It's weird because I'm not overtly anxious and I'm less depression paralyzed than a few months ago #But I'm so terrified and hopeless about grad school applications that it's affecting my whole psyche #Even though it's not even a problem in my current life #It's just unbearable to think about or work on and it has been for like two years #Which means it's kinda hard to make any kind of meaningful change that would make me LESS terrified and hopeless #So I don't FEEL anxious or ACT anxious but I'm scared to death and compartmentalizing it #Also I've been in this town where I know none of my friends for more than a year now and also it's so small and I'm so fucking lonely #I don't FEEL lonely like it's not acute and I'm calling and texting people really frequently #But then I never realize I miss my sister until I see her again #And I didn't know how much I missed seeing all my friends irl until I did #Exactly twice in the past year #So there's clearly multiple things fucked up in my subconscious and they're affecting me but I can't directly get a handle on them #Also I want nothing more than to get an astrophysics PhD but it's SO much more competitive than physics #Cause the programs are so small #So do I apply to what I want and increase my chances of being rejected AGAIN #Or do I try and write essays about being interested in something I'm not really #No matter which program I get into I can probably do work in the other in actuality #But I feel like I can't apply to a physics program and exclusively talk about all the faculty I want to work with one department over #And most places don't let you apply to both

[mademoisellesarcasme]

due to some of my life's current circumstances (income below the operating expenses of the household and has been such for a couple months) I have been taking advantage of some local programs to assist with things like Having Food In the House and I have to say I am rather frustrated by the fact that a "healthy foods program" still insists that low-fat dairies are Healthier than full-fat and was deeply lacking in actual produce, frozen or otherwise

#to be fair apparently i showed up the day before they were supposed to get a new delivery #and i am very grateful that they got me salmon! i haven't had that in my own house in years! #but also i don't know what the delivery days are because i'm new to the program and i can only come once every 30 days #also our SNAP application is still fucking pending for its THIRD time #because the government cannot read the paperwork i submitted repeatedly and now it's my problem #(it's been over two months since i first applied and honestly if we get to November we'll be pushing three.) #anyway i just really hate being preached to/at about my diet because i've spent so many years breaking bad mental habits around food #Food is Fuel and Good Things Taste Good For Reasons #also also i am hopeful that this horrible spell of not having enough money will be lifting in the nearish future #as there are some significant steps being made in that direction that look more promising than 'throw resumes into the void and cry' #(aka what job application is and has been for years)

[savrenim]

it's starting to look very possible that one way or another I'll at least have a job offer in the next week or two which at least. checks the biggest uncertainly off my list, like, rip hierarchy of needs "food and shelter" sure do, uh, reaaaaaally take priority over everything

#my life #I'm kind of staring at my options with a fair amount of disappointment bc like #what had been my top choice has ghosted me for three months after an unofficial interview #gave an interview-interview at my well-since-they-got-back-to-me-guess-they're-my-top-choice but honestly have NO idea how that went #especially bc people who are actually APPLIED mathematicians are applying for all of these jobs #and like. mildly looks like it's my backup-backup option that might come through? #in which case I am going to have to make the incredibly shitty decision of Accepting A Job Offer That Is An Actual Offer #rather than waiting to hear back from places that I'd much prefer to work #unless said places get back to me in like. two days. #but better that than starving #and at least this backup job is adjacent enough to the jobs that I actually want that I'd still be qualified to apply to those in 1-2 years #just. this whole process has sucked so much from start to finish #really have been sitting here watching dreams that I've had for like. 25 years go fully down the drain.

[altruistic-meme]

I'M NOW NERVOUS BUT I'M SURE IT'S NOTHING

#ok ok ok ok ok so basically I've been watching the apartment that i want to move into in the complex's website to make sure it was still #available and to watch the price (bc in the like month or two it went from around $1000 to $898 which is. amazing.) #and i have the apartment people coming to my house tomorrow afternoon to do a walk through of my current apartment #to make sure i didn't ya know destroy the place so they can approve me to transfer #but now the apartment i wanna move to is NOT ON THE WEBSITE ANYMORE #and i DON'T KNOW WHEN IT WAS TAKEN DOWN bc i hadn't been checking this last week or so #so I'm hoping it's just bc they expect the walkthrough to go well and for me to be approved so they room it down so others don't apply??? #and not that ya know someone else got it while i was trying to get to this point #i don't assume that second one bc i only scheduled the walk through literally yesterday #so HOPEFULLY it's the first option #and they just think it'll all be fine (and it SHOULD all be fine idk why it wouldn't be) #but yeah #I'm anxious about it anyway :') #i also gave to speed clean my apartment right after work bc i never actually finished it and now I'm out of time fjskckkskfk #shh ac

[dylanconrique]

guys... pray for me, i have not one, but two job interviews tomorrow.

#*and this is icarly! #i've been unemployed for about a month and a half since the bed bath and beyond i used to work at closed #i applied for another two retail positions at our local mall #ngl i hope one of them takes me up cause as much as i hate work i really do love money lol #plus i still need to get some stuff for my eras outfit #along with some other swiftie etsy merch that i really want #GOD THE INTERVIEW PROCESS IS THE WORST THOUGH I HATE IT

[galaxywhump]

Banking entirely on getting accepted into my major of choice feels risky as hell, not gonna lie

#idk just wanted to share what's going on in my life currently #it's the only good translation program in poland #i've looked up other unis but they either don't have one or it's very bare-bones #the one i'm applying to is entirely focused on translation #audiovisual literary and specialized #and it's the only one with a game localization course which is my dream #but only 20 people can be accepted so i'm nervous #and it's really unfair cause i already got accepted into a translation program at the same uni once #but when i took a semester off they freaking removed it #so i have to apply all over again #instead of going back to the major i had already been accepted into #so. yeah. anxiety galore these next two months #if anyone has anything to translate to or from polish let me know i need practice lol #/hj #watch me translate my own writing #marti talks

[sakurarisen]

Jumping on replies and playing catch up in a few now that I finally feel better, but some notes and updates! <3

On talking it out with @honorisen, we’ve decided on a fair few things - This includes finally ironing out a more solid, detailed, and updated timeline, for both Sera and Zack’s canons that’ll find its way onto my carrd after Kasa gets a chance to play CCR and we have time between her busy schedule to get that written out in full. This timeline will also extend to my other blogs as well, and apply to Cody and Lia ( @bountyrisen ), Kunsel ( @shinrarisen​ ), Shayan ( @legacydriven​ ) and Cissnei and Shiva ( @wingrisen ), making it something cross-referenced between blogs - Both mine and hers. These changes will be canonical for both our blogs.

This also means no further waffling; if a thread is set in Remake verse, Sera and Zack are married unless otherwise plotted out, and if set in CC, they’re already dating by the time of the Ft. Tamblin attack. OG7 is the only verse in which their relationship is in the air due to Zack’s disappearance.

Sera’s family has been expanded! Thoma ( @yoroiis​ ) is Sera’s eldest brother, and will be referred to as such in any verse where Sera is married, or in Spellbound and Genshin Impact verses. Prior to this point, she’ll regard him as her cousin, which is what she was raised to believe he is - More info is available in Sera’s Carrd!

On this same note, I do have a Genshin verse also available for Sera! There’s a bit of a timeline that will also be available for this verse, and a specific ‘GI Misc’ section is available on the carrd. I’ll be a little more picky with this verse due to only being about halfway through current content at the time of writing this; I refuse to make anyone stop to explain basic canon to me if I can read up on, play through, or study it on my own!

The YGO Misc section has been updated to reflect change made with the rewritten verse.

I’ve also added a misc section for another AU in Sera’s (And Zack’s!) Experiment AU, to hopefully help explain what’s going on in there better. All misc sections are considered forever under construction and can and will be added to as things develop and change.

Timelines will be available hopefully before New Year’s, but I’ll update this post when they are! <3

Relationships pages have gotten a mini boost/update with GI getting one for itself, with bonds made in off-dash threads in place.

Things are still a bit under construction given the holidays putting a bit of a wrench in time and schedules being overly busy as all get out, so there’ll be an update to this update on anther day - But for now, this covers what’s already been completed (and in the works, for both Kasa and myself) and means I can go jump into replies and sorting things out on that front! <3

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas, everyone! <3333

~Pom

#Out Of Poms [OOC] #Updating Pom.EXE [Blog Update] #I've been off and on sick for the last two months - Starting with having covid in october #So I've been more focused on getting myself up and on my feet and dealing with offline things for the holidays instead #And generally being slow af? #But I'm gonna be trying to get back on top of things here with replies and whatnot! They're incoming I promise! <3 #At the same time Kasa and I have been in some heavy talks about things and a lot of this applies to HER blogs as well as mine #We wanted to iron things out for the muses and it's grown into a lot more #Which means things like timelines and such are coming as soon as she has some time to herself to sit down and talk more of it out #She's been incredibly busy of late and things like this take a back seat to life <3 #These also aren't our only blogs either so? #Updates like this are a little slower in coming when they involve other people <3

[wickedhawtwexler]

ok y’all i am LEGITIMATELY applying for jobs starting this week

#i said this literally a month ago but then i was feeling burnt out from the job app prep that i put it off for a week #and THEN i told my advisor i wanted to leave and he told my department's grad student coordinators #so i've spent the last two weeks fielding emails from a bunch of ppl nagging me for meetings to convince me not to drop out #which has been frustrating but i'm over it. i'm humoring my advisor to be nice so he'll be one of my references & ignoring everyone else #i've found a few jobs that actually sound like good fits. mostly healthcare data science gigs. so i'm gonna apply for those #aaand we'll see what happens 🤷🏼‍♀️ #m.txt

[rubberbandballqueen]

been unmedicated for like a week and a half at this point and i have no idea how i did this for an entire fucking year

#APPOINTMENT ON THURSDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAA #SCHOOL CALLED today and i'm glad i picked up bc they were like 'hey we have counseling services on thursday!' and i was like #'ooo thank you!!' bc they were like 'hey why didn't you enroll in anything' n i was like 'i am UNMEDICATED and i FORGOT :)' #i truly am just counting down the days in august... didn't mention it here but i applied to a ZINE last month!!!!!!!!!!!!! #last month LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO really and now i'm FIXATED on aug 22 (day i hear back from them) #and have been ROCKET LAUNCHING btwn 'god i did not submit My Best(tm) as samples they're gonna dismiss me on a minor flaw' #and 'i'm good at what i do; i write tasteful high quality fic; ofc i'm gonna get in' #so i've just been saying 'yeah the 22nd is when i get the rejection letter' to keep my cool whilst daydreaming abt getting in #the worm speaks

[maddy-ferguson]

People really need to read up more on surrogacy, I'm pretty sure those in favor of it just think "Well if the woman wants to do it why not" but there is so much more to it :/ It's extremely exploitative in most cases, not to mention that wombs and babies shouldn't be seen as products to be bought.

exactly thank you...so many different angles to choose from too like commodification of the human body commodification of women's bodied specifically exploitation of poorer women...like TO ME it's liberalism on an insane level

#like any one of these can be developed enough to argue against it #altruistic surrogacy is like well personally i still think that's crazy (but that's probably because i don't wanna be pregnant ever lmao) #but without the money it's different #even though obviously you can say money makes it better but like. idk does it. but like i don't care as much ig #all of this applies to other topics that are like debated in the same way (where you can argue commodification of the human body+of #women's bodies+exploitation of poorer women amongst other things and they can say it's their choice so you shouldn't be against it) #and on other topics even though at the end of the day i feel the same way i've gone back and #forth on it more than i have for surrogacy. like none of the arguments sound convincing to me like at all #and i don't see myself changing my mind anytime soon? like i Have tried i've thought about it but this is where i always end up #in french law it's prohibited because of the first thing you can't sell your organs so you can't rent them for nine months either and #like idk sounds sensible to me! i studied law for three years maybe it's my law student baggage (it's not) #people are debating it again rn and a leftist politician basically said what i said commodification of women's bodies + exploitation of #poorer women and some of the qrts of the video were like wow i don't like [his party] they're so behind on lgbt issues...excuse me what #like we're literally talking about women straight couples gay couples irdgaf i'm against it for everyone and some people are trying so hard #to make it sound like anyone that's anti-surrogacy is homophobic when like yeah obviously to the far-right (and others) it's an excuse to #be homophobic but there's another part of the population you're not considering it's literally been a feminist debate for a long time💀 #the law for it in ukraine is very liberal and when russia invaded people were like nooo i have a woman who needs to give birth to my baby #there like oh my god. the exploitation of women from other countries too like it's crazy. (also applies to regular adoption in foreign #countries obviously which is why some countries were like stop. for both adoption and surrogacy for foreigners) #and i say this but it could all be like women with the same kind of money hiring each other and i would still feel the same way because #it's like the principle like i feel strongly enough about the first two. but also there's never gonna be a world where it's just that #(i'm sure tons of couples hire women that wouldn't be like on the street without surrogacy) because it's also a class thing. including the #women in other countries in that #ask

[somuchstrdst]

.

#i found an old tweet of mine #from june 2021 #where i'm complaining about the exact same thing i've been feeling these past weeks #IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I DO #WILL I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THIS? #why was i in the year of our lord 2021 #when i was only working #complaing about not having time??????? #when i now in the year of our lord 2023 am swamped with too many thing from uni and a position at my job #that barely lets me do things while i work because every minute i decide to take for myself someone calls me? #like i want to go back and understand what i was going through two years ago that made me feel as miserable as i feel today #and that feeling led me to thing: oh i don't know what i'm doing with my life oh i feel so empty oh i feel so purposeless #and then three months later i was applying for uni #and now #A YEAR AND A HALF IN UNI #i'm again rethinking my decision because NOW i barely have time for myself #like.... i seriously can't understand what i was complaining about two years ago #because today i have it so much fucking worse #but anyways this is just so say #i don't know what i need to do with my life #for this feeling to go away #bc i don't feel a way out soon #i don't feel things changing #unless i change them but then to change it all i have to take so many risks and i fucking hate it #depression and anxiety only serve to keep me in the same fucking loop years and years on end #i just want this to be over jfc #personal.txt