#i'm unemployed in the less than a week and need things to keep happy

[kidmachinate]

The Burned Bridge

(This has been scheduled since July 31st to post if things go as predicted. Was right on target, therefore no reason to delete or edit this)

It must be nice to have zero responsibility. Zero accountability. Zero care for anyone for yourself unless there is some potential benefit for you and chances are, it is to help save you from something. Funny how your reintroduction after over a year of not communicating with me over something you did literally started like this.

"Sorry it took this long to reach out but I need your help."

You got it. You blew it. Time and time again.

Finding this would indicate putting in some sort of effort to use the internet outside of mobile games, political YouTube videos, and content based on the games played that you just get mad at. If I'm honest though, it's a reflection of fourteen whole months. Eight and half spent unemployed and sometimes couldn't even bother to either communicate, come with around the corner somewhere, and plenty else I'm not gonna put out there.

The worst part? Even if I torch this bridge less than two weeks from now, it doesn't mean I hate you...but there was more than bills at stake here. You knew this. You took it for granted til the very end. In fairness, I told you to have your cake and eat it too because your days are numbered. Thought maybe on principle you'd at least think of doing something different. Nope. It's fine by me. You could have been homeless. I prevented that. At what cost to me? At what cost to me and my partner who already have our own stuff to work out? Hearing daily about lack of action in multiple regards and that's without even getting into much more personal shit.

When and if you wonder why and how things got this way, I hope you find this post. Remember our conversations...which despite all you've done to tarnish this relationship, I still cared a bit to make sure you're on the right path. Gave you suggestions because you never seem to have a plan. Something that is gonna come up again before you leave and I'll help. Unless you refuse help, which I see happening due to shame. Maybe it's pride. Who knows? Once you're out, it's not up to me. It's up to you. Thing is, I'm not leaving the door open. Chances are, if things keep going this way, I'm torching the damn bridge. It's up to you.

You've got a lot to figure out. This could have been the easy path to success. After over a year of waiting, I simply can't any longer. Smear my name if you must. It will only work with people who don't know me. Everyone knows the simple truth. You did this to yourself and have no one but yourself to blame. I'm not sorry. This was never my choice. My choice was made taking a chance on you again after you blew it before. I'll never make that choice again. I won't even give myself the chance to. The last favor I'll do for you even after all this is not giving you a name, but anyone close to me you've tried to convince I'm the bad guy will know exactly who I'm talking about, and that's on you.

I've been through some romantic shit before. Sometimes even including housing scenarios in which I wasn't the problem but knew to take myself out of the equation to not make things awkward for everyone else. I can only count on one hand the scenarios that cut deeper than this. I took a chance that denied my parts of my happiness and some access to my best friend. Paint me as the villain of you need to because I'll never know about it. Any possibility of a comeback here is gonna require lots of effort, effort which has been proven countless times, you are not currently capable of and I'm not likely to care once you do. For your sake, I hope no one comes after you for the problems you're in denial and/or running from that go beyond anything we talked about that led to this point. Don't repeat this mistake with who you have left, if you haven't already burned those bridges as well.

In fairness, you didn't burn this one. You wanted to hold onto what we had while continuing to disrespect my partner and I in our own household. As a result, as you exit our home, I'm torching the bridge.

#burning bridges #financial abuse #taking advantage #figure it out #Spotify

[cowthropologist]

Suicide cw

I've been lying to everyone. The thing is I'm still suicidal. 2 months in the hospital, all this ECT, and I just want to die. I'm feeling a bit less bad than I was before I went in, but not much. I'm exhausted. The prospect of going back to work is just hanging over me. I can't do it. I know I won't be able to do it. And the holiday was so tiring. We went over to my uncle's and every time I go over there I get so upset. I feel so tremendously guilty because my uncle has done so much for me and I just don't know how to properly thank him and I feel like I haven't, it feels like this huge failure on my part and I don't know how to handle it. I can barely keep it together when I have to face up to it. Just thinking about it makes me cry. I'm crying right now just writing about it.

I'm worn out, you guys. Did you know my credit is just ruined? I've been so horribly depressed for years now, I just don't pay a lot of my bills. The ones I don't need to pay immediately, I tend not to, and they all go to collections. I'm supposed to move back home, move in with my dad, and buy a car with no credit. He lives in the suburbs... I can't go back there without a car. I don't know how to do this. I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid, so I'm doing what I always do, and curling in on myself and trying to hide. I want it all to go away. I want to not exist. I can't do this. I can't face up to it. I'm not strong enough, I'm not good enough. I need to work, I need to move halfway down the coast, I need to buy a car - the whole prospect of working full time is just an impossibility. I can't do it. And I don't know how to say this to anyone without having a total meltdown.

I feel like I need to just accept the meltdown and say it all anyway. I don't like crying in front of people but I've been trying to be honest. I was feeling so much better than this back in the hospital, because back in the hospital all these things were farther removed. It was all just... I didn't have to worry about it yet while I was in there. But now I'm back home and I do have to worry about it now. After a certain point I'm going to run out of medical treatment to receive and I'm going to wind up either back at work or unemployed. Both of those options are extremely unappealing.

Honestly I'd rather just lose the job. I'd rather have no money coming in than try to go back, because they'll just end up firing me in the end. I went into the hospital because I couldn't work. I'm out of the hospital now, and I still can't work. I just don't have the energy or the focus. I'm worn out. I haven't even done anything and I'm worn out. Just thinking about working is peeling me apart. I don't know how to handle this. I don't know what to do! Is there a course of action open to me besides quitting my job? I can't see one right now. Unless I magically get better in the next few weeks (dubious) I'm in real trouble.

There's just... there's no joy in my life. There's nothing to look forward to. There's nothing I hope for, nothing I want. Most people don't like me. Most people wouldn't miss me. I want to be happy, I want to have fun for more than the few hours it takes me to play through a new video game. I want to feel like I fit in and like I belong with other people, like they're enjoying my company instead of just tolerating me or being polite. I'm so completely cut off from the world and I always have been, my whole life I've felt like I was different from everyone else, I've felt so isolated. Disliked. Put up with. I can't have my life be like this forever. I can't face it. I can't go on with it. I can't. I cannot express to you the despair I feel when I think about living for another sixty years this way. I have contributed nothing meaningful to the world. Nobody will miss me. I should just die and get it over with. At least if I was dead the pain would stop.

I'm not even asking for anything making this post. Go ahead and ignore it. I just have to put it somewhere. I'm trying to be honest with my doctors and stuff and I've mostly been failing and I just feel like I need to write down how I'm feeling and put it into words so that I have it somewhere articulated and maybe that'll make it stick. Maybe that'll be a little easier to tell people, if I've written it down beforehand. I don't know. Maybe this is all just a cry for help or whatever. I don't care. I feel so, so terrible, you guys. I want to collapse. I want all of this to be over.

#suicide cw #mar vs brian

[slothspaghettiwrites]

Remember when I said I wouldn't set up a ko-fi? I lied. It's set up. I won't be sharing it yet, going to work on a few bits for it first because it will be ✨original content only✨. Since ya know, it's illegal and all to take funds for fanworks.

Anyway, send tweet, thanks for listening to my ted talk, I'm gonna go walk into the ocean now.

#sloth rambles #i'm unemployed in the less than a week and need things to keep happy #money is one of those things #my new motto should just be #i lied #cause i seem to do that a lot and I don't mean to #i'm horrible and a monster #a literal dumpster fire #why does it feel scummy to create work for money? #who knows

[oatmilkovich]

not sure if you've shared your acting thoughts on j.a.w. but would love to hear if you have any stand-out moments. it keeps hitting me what a powerhouse he is and his arc (and especially the incredible power of his scenes with emmy) pretty much singlehandedly kept me watching through seasons 6-8 when a lot of other storylines dragged on! i'm still happy with the show in a post-fiona world but i really miss the lip and fiona dynamic as it really felt like the backbone of the show and the gallagher family!

hey! <3

you sent this weeks ago and i am profusely sorry about that. i haven’t talked about jeremy yet but since it was lip love hours on the dash today, i decided to have a crack at it. lip’s storyline has definitely been the most consistent and solid throughout the entire show – there’s never really a time i don’t enjoy watching his scenes (though i do find it difficult to watch the helene sl in s6). he and emmy consistently worked phenomenally off one another and though i really miss emmy now, i do think we need to hand it to jaw and his contribution to carrying the show for it’s run. 

there’s a lot I could talk about with jeremy’s work so i’ve had to pick a couple of my favourite things for today, otherwise i’d be writing for hours. discussion under the cut! 

remember: this is all my opinion! i’m just an unemployed actor in a pandemic. 

one of my ultimate favourite things about jeremy’s performance is the way he approaches lip’s monologues. in my personal opinion as an actor, monologues fucking suck. they’re unnatural, difficult to pull off and so easily end up being a vehicle for the self indulgent actor to just hear their own voice. luckily for us, jaw manages to knock them out of the park every single time. the key to a successful monologue is a hell of a lot of prep work before hand – you’ve always got to remember that no one monologues and talks at a great interrupted length naturally, that’s just not how humans exist and interact in the world, so an actor always has to consider why their character continues talking and doesn’t stop after the first line. their objective for the scene – what they want to gain – has to be so solid, so vital to the actor/character that we believe they can’t stop talking until they achieve it. an objective is the only thing that drives dialogue forward – we only speak out loud because we want to achieve something. now, there’s an incredibly fine line between pushing to achieve your objective during a monologue and allowing the objective to push you. this is never a problem with jeremy’s work. 

a good objective goes hand in hand with how the lines of the monologue are delivered. every line a character speaks is new to them – the actor rehearses a line but the character doesn’t – each thought behind a line, even if it’s something they’ve thought about before, is new to them. when you’re working in a scene with another actor and trading dialogue, it’s easier for that new line of dialogue to feel more natural as a response to your partner – when you’re on your own in a monologue this can be a huge challenge. monologues are badly done when everything sounds rehearsed – you can tell when the actor isn’t working from moment to moment and is simply saying the lines they’ve learnt in a huge chunk. you don’t believe they’re speaking to achieve their objective, they’re simply speaking the lines on the page and probably are thinking about how good they sound. again, this is never a problem with jeremy’s work. 

now let’s look at this monologue from 5x08:

this is a really well done and subtle monologue on jeremy’s part – it’s one of my favourites and it does a really good job at highlighting how detailed and personalised his work is. before he even begins to speak, you can tell jeremy is prepared for the circumstances of scene. lip is completely riddled with tension – you can see it in the way he clenches his jaw and wipes his hands on his trousers – as an audience member, we already know there’s a hell of a lot on his plate. this monologue is a moment where he allows it all to bubble over. 

lip’s obviously trying to get some leeway on his college finances by explaining his situation to his adviser – perhaps that was jeremy’s objective (to achieve help with his finances) but as he continues talking, it morphs into really heartbreaking glimpse into lip’s pov of being the ‘golden goose’ of the family. it’s the first time we really hear his thoughts on ian’s diagnosis, monica’s illness and how guilty he feels every single day being away from his family. lip asking for a favour becomes less about financial help and even more so about being heard. he needs someone to understand and hear him out. to understand the heavy pressure he feels to achieve what everyone else expects of him. 

a monologue has a mini storyline arc within it and jeremy takes us on journey as we watch lip continue talking, continue exposing himself, putting himself in a horribly vulnerable position. he starts by easing himself in – cracking a joke about how they should get to know one another because he’ll be there a lot – but as soon as he starts going into detail about ian and why he needs an extension on payments, there’s a significant shift in jeremy’s delivery and lip’s relationship to how badly he needs this. jeremy allows himself to fully experience each thought before he delivers a line – he doesn't rush and allows moments to breathe. every single line he says, every single sibling or situation he mentions, we get a glimpse of his pov on the subject. these moments of pause allow lip’s journey throughout the speech to be so clear to us as audience members, there’s never a moment where a piece of dialogue feels delivered falsely or preplanned. jeremy doesn’t push to achieve anything and we follow lip throughout the speech on his journey without a clue where he’s going to end up. 

by the end of the monologue, lip’s desperation to be understood is clearer than ever. he’s panicking but jeremy never overplays it. even as it builds and he begins to visibly get more emotional with tears in his eyes, it never becomes a performance. jeremy always manages to get the balance right and it’s just a really, really beautiful reaction to his circumstances and truthful acting coming from the moment. it’s a huge deal to bare his heart like this to someone – a stranger at that – and jeremy manages to capture that vulnerable dent in lip’s pride perfectly. he’s not yelling, he’s not pulling his hair out, but we still completely understand why this is so important to him. although I'll never know how he actually prepares his work, his text work here is deeply personalised – you can tell jeremy has given lip’s pov a good thought. I believe him the entire way through, his objective is clear and whatever it was that jeremy decided to use worked perfectly for both his motivation and our belief. 

as someone who has shed a tear over performing many a monologue, he makes it seem so fucking effortless – i think that’s what really gets me. i’d love to see him do work on stage one day. as i said, there are about a million things I could talk about when it comes to jaw’s work on the show. this baaaaaarely even scratches the surface! I wanted to talk about another monologue here too, but i think this got long enough only talking about one! 

please always feel free to ask me about any specific moments if you have any pressing questions, i can’t promise i’ll get to it very quickly (i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry!) but i will always try.my inbox is always open for anything, acting or otherwise. it takes me a while, but I really, really do love talking about this stuff. 

thanks for reading! <3 

#willa’s acting thoughts #sorry this ended up being about one scene and not more #but i just really really love this scene and i love his work #and i could talk about it for hours!!! hours!! #okay this made me nervous so i’m gonna go brush my teeth 🏃‍♀️ #enjoy #jeremy allen white #shameless #lip gallagher #also surprisingly no one has asked me about emmy yet #but i was thinking of maybe looking at her conditioning force work w s4 and s9 ish #but ajdhshabdhajqksb #asks #actingasks