#i'm at a point where I would sell my kidney honestly

[n0t-vzin1s]

bf!armin x fem!reader

guys i won't hesitate to admit that i'm head over fucking heels in love with armin and if you disagree, fucking fight me

also sorry to my gn or male readers!! these hcs would only make sense with a fem!reader due to how it was written (i am so tired i didn't even realize)

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aot manga spoilers

god where do i start with this maaan

you more or less likely grew up with him, eren, and mikasa

so one day

when you know

THE FUCKING WALLS FELL

he was with you and eren that day

and istg the scared look on his face had you IN TEARS

fuck your parents, armin is all that matters

i would sell my left kidney for armin

anyways

during training, you were almost certain that armin was gay

like absolutely in love with eren LOL

so you brought it up

"yo homie are you gay?"

and he looked at you with the most PUZZLED expression like 😨

but he was like "nah fam"

and he whipped out the "i.." awkward ass gulp "like someone else"

and you already knew it was either you or mikasa but mikasa seen him as brother

and let's b honest

who wouldn't have a crush on armin!!

yeah you were one of em

time skip to god fucking knows where

bro grows some balls and kisses your goddamn ass

regardless

halfway thru, it was ruined due to eren and mikasa walking in like "woah. who is THIS BABE??"

until they realized it was you and that they were screwed lmAo

armin is extremely soft

like not even in like his skin is soft

he's just

baby

yk?

he's so gentle and scared to hurt you

and he's constantly checking up on you and making sure you're okay

often brings you things to show you

he LOVES reading books with you about the outside world

esp b4 he seen the ocean!!

i could see him and you taking horse rides into the large forest against levi's wishes

he feels rebellious when he's with you

random hc buuuut i feel like he would LOVE to dance in the rain

or lay in the grass and watch the stars all the way to the sun rise with you

he knows every single constellation

no doubt abt that

for your birthday, he gets you books!! it's more of a gift to himself, really, but you don't mind cause it's cute!!

for HIS birthday?

you get him books.

for valentine's day?

books.

it's always fuckin books

but it's armins hobby and you love him for it

armin is extremely awkward and constantly needs praise

he has a fear of yoh leaving him for some one who he considers "better"

and you have to remind him

"armin honey there is no one better than you"

he constantly has to be near near you on the field cause he's scared of losing you

but you have to remind him that you can handle yourself

honestly

he finds it hot when you take down a titan

cause like

your muscles are flexing against the tight suit and he just likes the way it looks

he will stand up for you with his life

cleans your injuries for you since he's a goddamn doctor

what kind you may ask?

abortion

he often writes stories abt you

they don't explicitly say your name, but you often realize that they describe you

he actually wanted to be a writer at some point in his life before everything went down

during the time you visited marley, the two of you got some quality time in like eren and mikasa had

but the two of you often sought out the other for comfort when eren started changing

cause like

you grew up with that boy

and to see him change his life so drastically kinda hurt the both of you

regardless

his dreams kinda went down the drain like eren life did

he was so happy that he got to see the ocean with you of all people though

when sasha died, he cried in your arms

as well, when he hange died and he technically became the next commander

he needed a lot of comfort

cause he wasn't sure he was going to do good

but armin struggles to talk abt his feelings!! so to have him open up to you and let himself feel vulnerable infront of you is a huge step for himself

he often doubts his self-worth!! like way too often to be considered normal

anyways

when the rumbling started, his priorities were both you, and mikasa

and he did his best to keep you safe

but hot goth mommy mikasa honestly did better

don't tell him that tho

he never talked about the future

like what would happen after all the titans went away

omg how could i forget

when he became a titan, he started closing himself off for weeks at a time cause he didn't like killing innocent people

but when he opened up you felt bad for him

cause he was so exhausted

like he hadn't slept for weeks at a time

armins trauma is so overlooked

anyways back to the future

he honestly wanted to travel the world and write about what he'd seen over the years

he also wouldn't allow himself to get into a relationship with you until the whole thing was over

cause even tho it would hurt, atleast you or him would've died knowing that there wasn't a future for either of you

buuut it still hurts lol

anyways when he killed eren, he literally sobbed for weeks

regardless if he was seen as a hero in others eyes, he didn't see himself as one

but during the aftermath, when he gets to finally settle down with you, he feels ecstatic

mikasa, you and him (as well as the other living cadets) often visit erens grave and leave things there

armin usually leaves little notes telling him about his life and how things are doing

and they always end in the same way

"how are you doing up there?"

and he usually gets a sign back from the universe somehow, sometimes it'll be a bird landing on him, and other times it could be leaves swirling around him

regardless, it leaves him happy and you in tears every damn time

whenever there's a thunderstorm, armin always says (without failure)

"oo, someone pissed eren off again" while laughing

and you can never understand how he's not sad by his death

he is

god i wrote this with the intention of it being happy but i'm fucking sobbing i hate this

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#armin attack on titan #armin x reader #armin arlert #armin headcanons #armin fluff #attack on titan #aot spoilers #aot fluff #aot anime #aot headcanons #headcanon

[demigoddessnation]

ranking teen wolf dilfs (and milfs) because there's no law to stop me from doing it

a/n: potential spoilers and slight nsfw i guess

at number 10 we have

kate argent

- ik ik, lady was damaged (and hard to kill)

- but i have a thing for knife-yealding, blood-thirsty women

- step on me pls

- would probably torture me really bad

- if i take her on a lasertag game, she would beat me with the laser gun

- knife kink 100%

- minus points for that one scene with young derek 😣

moving on to number 9, we have

mr deucalion

- i appreciate visionaries

- when scott and he worked together...let me tell you i sCREAMED

- probably a gemini

- knows how to keep it interesting

- full of wise sayings

- can and will manipulate my infp self unfortunately

number 8

the desert wolf

- yes, i see the pattern at this point of the ranking

- loved the daughter, loved the mother, couldn't help it

- charisma x100

- feels like she runs a luxurious nightclub on the side and i love it

- cool nickname

- probs a bdsm enthusiast, if not a full-on buff

- she'll shoot me and I'll say thank you

coming up at number 7 is

dr deaton

- what can I say, there's something about the intellectuals

- loyal, dependable, wouldn't mind red wine brunch dates

- we could discuss poetry together

- LOVES ANIMALS

- always knew a way out of the trouble and I'm predisposed to getting in trouble so we'll get along perfectly

- a gentleman in the streets

number 6

coach finstock

- inexplicably dilf but a dilf nevertheless

- enemies to lovers, 500k words, sarcasm and lacrosse dates

- will drag me to games

- i just have a soft spot for him

- awkward af

- dad bod supremacy

- will always love greenberg more than me but I can live with that burden ig

coming strong at 5th place

peter hale

- self-explanatory

- without beard 😐 / with beard 😩

- the "i hate everyone but you" type of dynamic

- hot then, hot now

- probs an aries but I'll suck it up

- not the uncle he could've been but tried to be the father he wanted to be

- honestly has the only acceptable-looking wolf form and that pretty much sold it for me

- wouldn't cuddle for shit but will arguably break your back so who cares

at number 4

sheriff stilinski

- i don't like law enforcement but he can get it, no questions asked

- likes curly fries (yes, that is a valid reason)

- supports the lgbtqia+ community

- will scold me

- has a son with a slavic name and I'm slavic so I'll finally teach them how to spell and pronounce it

- knows how to use them handcuffs

- actually very romantic

- isn't afraid of anything and i have a phobia of needles so he'll be my moral support when necessary

- resting bitch face and knows how to fight

- has a firm grip (on his firearm)

number 3

noshiko yukimura

- please, she owns season 3b

- has 900 years of experience

- always knows what she's doing

- had a possessed man run after her and whisper their special phrase to her right before dying - she is the fucking moment

- wise and has a katana

- a questionable taste for military men but will make an exception

- sugar mommy vibes

- i'll carry her sword for her if i must

i love number 2

chris argent

- "can I talk to you? in my office, where i keep my guns?"

- again, the beard

- had a huge character development

- a man of his word

- can shoot with not one, but two guns at the same time

- ripped

- blue eyes

- charisma

- i mean just look at him

- the smirk, i can't

and finally, at number 1

melissa mccall

- I'd sell my house, both my kidneys, my crystal collection and my soul for this woman without batting an eye

- the purest, kindest soul ever

- the most badass mother too

- doctor/patient roleplay

- she is beauty AND grace, what more can i want

- I'd steal her from argent if i could

- I'd clean her house, do her dishes and her laundry (extra softener), that's how much I love her

- I don't know a single person who doesn't like her, which pretty much speaks for itself

#teen wolf #teen wolf characters #teen wolf headcanon #stiles stilinski #lydia martin #melissa mccall #allison argent

[bisluthq]

Hey! I'm fairly new here and I have a pretty uncommon take on Kaylor. But I just wanna start off by saying I try my best to be as supportive of LGBT people as possible and if they're both bisexual, then I would be 100% okay with that! I'm not trying to "defend their heterosexuality" or anything, I think that's really weird

Okay, so my personal theory is that Kaylor did happen, but that Taylor and Karlie are both straight. I know that might sound contradictory, but I say this based on my own personal experiences based on how I am with my best friend. I think Karlie and Taylor's relationship might have been similar in some ways to ours

Right, so I'm straight and I'm not into women in the gay kind of way (but it's completely cool that some girls are), and I have this roommate who's gorgeous. Really gorgeous, she's like a 10/10 "I would sell my kidney to look like you" kind of girl. She's very attractive, she has like tan skin and long legs and gorgeous brown hair and pretty eyes and nice lips and just like… she's just very good looking. I'm definitely jealous of her body, I won't even pretend I'm not 😪 I lowkey hate her because of it (jk)

We've been living together since not long before COVID started, and we're very good friends. There were three of us before, but our other roommate went back home to stay with her parents until in person classes are back on and we agreed to it and worked something out because she has really bad anxiety so we understood her reasoning for it

Anyway so it's just been us two and because we've been at home a lot during this time instead of out for most of the day like before, we've gotten to know each other a lot better and have become a lot closer. We were already friends from before, but now we're like super close besties, we've been hanging out a lot together and playing board games, watching movies, helping each other with essays, just having long conversations about anything and everything, etc

Like it's been so nice having a best friend that I can be this close to now because I haven't had a best friend since I was a kid

So my friend and I were having like a conversation last year about how hard it's been in quarantine not being able to go on dates and how we miss kissing people, and so we decided to just like, make out for fun you know. I mean, there's not really anything that's inherently romantic or sexual about making out, that's just society that says that. But tbh I think making out with your friends if you want to should be normalized, it's fun and it can even be emotional sometimes. It's not that different from hugging people

After a couple of weeks or so, I think we got bored of just making out with each other and decided to like, fully hook up. It started off because we were modelling lingerie for each other for banter and were pretending we were each other's runway judges and then I think we just decided to hook up with each other as like part of the whole "game". I can't remember who initiated it now, I think it might have been me as a joke lol

Like just in a platonic way for fun, as a kind of substitute until we can go back into society

And tbh I always expected hooking up with a woman to be like mediocre and boring and awkward, but although it was a bit hard to get the hang of at first and there was a learning curve, it's actually very enjoyable. Like I was very surprised actually at how hot it can be, I think I can maybe see why bisexual women and lesbians like doing it

Anyway we both liked it and we just carried on hooking up on the regular and it's been like 8 months now and tbh I just think it's very sweet and heartwarming, like it actually makes me feel a little emotional how we're close enough and care about each other enough that we can even help each other out with the physical intimacy side of things so that we don't get sexually frustrated while we're stuck in lockdown

I just think it's really cool and we even sleep in the same bed most of the time now because tbh what's the point in sleeping alone when you can sleep in the same bed as someone else? It's nicer, like you can cuddle and stuff

Anyway, I think that maybe Kaylor's relationship might have been similar. I think they're both straight but they became really close friends in a short space of time, and that their friendship was so intense that it became physical but in a platonic way

I think lesbians and bisexual women are amazing and I have so much respect for you guys for accepting yourselves in a society that tries to erase you, and I think there definitely needs to be more wlw representation on TV and in movies

But at the same time, I would also like there to be more close female friendships like the one that me and my friend have where you can just talk about everything together and do things that society usually reserves for romantic partners, but in a platonic way. Because female friendship is really important and beautiful, whether that's between straight women like me and my friend who I think is probably straight too, or between queer women because one thing I've learnt during my short time on this blog is how queer women can have very close platonic friendships with other queer women too

I think society just has overly strict ideas of "straight" and "gay". Like for some people, they would hear about two women sleeping together and think "Oh that's gay", but not necessarily because straight women can enjoy sleeping with other women too, like it's normal 🤷‍♀️

I think it's just a result of women being a lot more physically beautiful than men are, like straight women really got the short end of the stick tbh compared to straight men

I also think it's because women are so oversexualized in the media, and obviously straight girls see that too and so we sort of internalize that attraction to women because we're so used to seeing women being presented in a sexual way? Except it's not real attraction with us like how it is for queer girls

Like I'm very much "attracted" to my friend, she's genuinely stunning and just very hot tbh. But I still identify as straight because it's just a case of what I mentioned above, it's a "fake" attraction. And also because men are afraid to compliment other men because it's seen as "gay", but women can be fully confident in their sexuality and still recognize other women's beauty and sex appeal. You see it all the time in instagram comments, and I really love how we're all so supportive of each other like that

Like I can be fully confident in my sexuality and yet still say that some women like my friend are gorgeous as hell and also 100 times better looking than most men I've seen. I'm very much obsessed with some women's appearances but in a platonic way

And I just love the concept of "girl crushes" and I think that from a feminism viewpoint, it's beautiful that we're focusing on other girls and showing love towards other girls too, instead of just to men who, let's be real, don't even fully appreciate it half of the time

I am going to be sad when we all have to return to life as usual and my friend and I won't be able to spend as much time together anymore. I'm dreading it tbh, I don't want it to end yet. And it really sucks that the physical side of our friendship will probably have to stop too once our other roommate comes back because I think she'd definitely misunderstand the situation and think it's something different than it actually is if she ever saw us kissing or something. I really am going to miss it a lot though, I really like how things currently are and it's just really really nice and I don't want it to change :/

Btw I'm sorry if I sounded fetishistic or offensive with any of this, I just get a bit jealous sometimes that you guys get to date girls and we're just stuck with men. Honestly if it wasn't for all of the homophobia and the struggles that you all have to face and the fact that it would feel disrespectful to the LGBT community, I would probably really wish I could change my sexuality to be bisexual or gay instead because I just think women are better. Sometimes I really do wish I was into women in that way because dating girls just sounds so much more appealing to me (in a non fetishizing weird way) but unfortunately I'm stuck with dating men 🤦‍♀️ But I also know I'm lucky and privileged to be straight even though most men are mediocre and kinda gross and I don't mean to be disrespectful because I know you all have to face homophobia and other LGBT difficulties and it really sucks, people are awful. There's nothing wrong with women dating women or men dating men at all, society is just ugly and bigoted

Anyway, does anybody else have a similar sort of take on Kaylor where they think they could have both been straight and just had a very close friendship with a physical side to it? I think it would explain a lot. But like I said, this is just a theory of mine based on my own situation, and I'm also open to the idea that it was an actual relationship and that they're both into women for real, not just fake "into women" like I am.

Also pls feel free to call me out if I accidentally said anything offensive towards LGBT people, I tried my best but if I made a mistake anywhere pls let me know and I'll avoid it next time!

You’re not offensive. Please stop apologizing. And we’re gonna come back to the Kaylor stuff another time because... Honey. You and I need to have a conversation for a bit.

So firstly, I’m not trying to like “diagnose” you and at the end of the day it’s your choice what you want to call yourself but... tbh you might not be straight. Sexuality is fluid not static and exists on a spectrum not in absolutes. It’s not like it’s straight, 50/50 bi, gay and you’re born knowing and there’s no room for anything else. That’s not true. There’s a lot of room in between all of these and labels can change over time. We’re people, not cereal brands, and sometimes we don’t even KNOW the word for what we might be. I’m tagging a tag for you from when we asked people to share their label journeys for you to see. It’s not simple or easy and it’s not just because of external stuff - it’s because figuring this out internally is HARD. If you found yourself having such an intense friendship it became physical, repeatedly, you liked it a lot, you still sleep in the same bed and continue to share all your thoughts and you don’t want any of that to end... I’m not sure you’re Kinsey 0. And I think you might lowkey have a girlfriend dude. 

You can obviously prefer men but like... hun I reaaallly don’t think you’re completely straight.

Also: it’s okay to say “I see myself winding up with a man and this is a situationship for right now!” but that doesn’t make you straight because again, sexuality is a spectrum and you can manifest a particular kind of endgame while experiencing other things along the way.

But here’s where you really got me: “most men are mediocre and kinda gross” and “women being a lot more physically beautiful than men are, like straight women really got the short end of the stick tbh compared to straight men” because that’s the kind of thing I used to say in my Bi 1.0 era before I ID’d as a lesbian for a bit and before Harry Styles (KING 🥺) made me bi for real. Hun, no. Straight women like men. Tbh BI women like men. I genuinely, unironically, find Harry and Timmy and Matt Smith to be sexy beasts and I would do dirty things to the former two but maybe not the latter irl in 2021 but yes also him if I could be on that Spain trip with him and Karen where they got sloshed and which I think of often. These men are genuinely fucking beautiful to me in the same way Taylor is and Di Silvers is (okay she’s prettier than all of them but like same ~vibe) and like Megan Thee Stallion is and Indira Varma in everything but especially GOT and Gillian Anderson and Keira Knightley. Like those women are HOT to me and SO. ARE. THE. MEN. 

Straight women find SO MANY DUDES hot. So many. Starting from objectively pretty options I just cannot personally understand like Chris Evans all the way through to bitches who are outchea simping for wrestlers and Cole Sprouse. Do I understand? No. But like... that’s straight girl culture and ours is not to judge. 

If you’re struggling to find men hot then... you might be gay.

Also, I’m not sure what you mean by “fake attraction”. Like queer women - especially femme women which I assume you very much are - experience the same kinds of feelings straight girls do. We have women we want to be like and look like and find enviable (me and Oenone Forbat) and women we find aesthetically gorgeous (me and Anya Taylor Joy) and we have extremely close female friends who we can spend hours on end spilling our guts to - as you say female friendships are truly special - and without going into personal people that you don’t know, that’s me and Cam and Sim right? I literally talk to them for hours. Like those are not gay feelings. And yes we can chat about those kinds of feelings with straight girls and call them “girl crushes” and not immediately get “caught out” because they experience this exact shit too.

But here’s the thing. They never do and I don’t want in the cases above to fuck these women. It’s not sexual.

The moment I can actually imagine fucking the women in question that’s... gay. 

Like it’s not “fake attraction” it’s literally just gay. That’s how we desire women. We want to fuck them. Not all women. Not always. But sometimes we want to get under or on top of one and just really truly fucking make each other moan with pleasure.

I have no idea if Karlie or Taylor are into women. They could both literally be straight. I have no idea.

But I have a better idea about you.

Hun, you’re fucking your roommate/best friend and don’t want to stop.

You’re not “into women”.

You’re into this woman.

And possibly into women more generally.

So I know it’s weird to have to be the one to tell you this, and if you want to keep chatting via anon or in my DMs or if you want me to try collate resources for you from around the web but...

Like.

Dude.

You’re a whole ass part of the rainbow.

Welcome to the community you thought you weren’t a part of earlier today 🌈 ❤️

It’s nice here, sure there’s homophobia, but at least we get to fuck girls and man is it good.

#agony aunat #share your label journey #roommate anon <3

[okaneganai-no-rondo]

Elisabeth Tsukigumi 2018 Review

So let me preface this with the fact that calling this a review is probably a lie. This is more me needing to vent all of my emotions into the semi-anonymous void of the internet. This is gonna be real long and rambling, and more personal than actual review. You could call it a stream of consciousness gushing coming from a new fan.

A little (another lie) backstory on me. I like Elisabeth a whole heck of a lot. It is probably my favorite musical ever, and has been for about eight years. I learned about Takarazuka and Elisabeth simultaneously, associating the Takarazuka Revue in my head as pretty ladies who perform Elisabeth and also The Rose of Versailles. This was a simpler time. I had no real knowledge of or access to any resources about Takarazuka. But yet, the idea of this show intrigued me to no end. I have always been a huge history buff, and it seemed to me that this show checked all of my boxes. So what did I do, at fourteen and full of all of these questions? I turned to YouTube, and while I found very little Takarazuka content, I did find an incomplete subtitled version of the 2005 Vienna Revival of Elisabeth. I devoured it. I watched it like a TV show, waiting anxiously for each new section to be translated and uploaded. I was in love with every aspect of it; the cast, the characterizations, the staging, everything. I talked to everyone who I thought would even be the least bit interested about it. It consumed me and my interests as much as I did it. I watched it at least ten times a year for five years, until it was removed from YouTube for copyright. Understandably. By this point I've accepted it, I have the translations almost by heart so I can get by with the soundtrack. I still really enjoy a lot of media influenced by the Takarazuka Revue, but have no real idea where to start consuming any of that material.

Flash forward to this year. I'm accepted into the JET program and placed in Hyogo prefecture. One of the first things I look up is how far away Takarazuka is. It might as well be down the street. I check the upcoming shows. Elisabeth, a month after my arrival. I stalk the English ticket page, with a desperation previously unknown to me. This was my chance to see Elisabeth live, an impossibility up until now. And I got the tickets, for a weekend show towards the end of the run. The most stressful ten minutes of my life, when my computer decided it didn't want to reload the page. But I got them, and I was going.

I started to latch onto any information about Takarazuka and their productions of Elisabeth that I could. And honestly? I was a little disappointed. It seemed so far from what I knew Elisabeth to be. The alternate or omitted songs really got to me, and so did the characterization of Death as more of a romantic hero (when contrasted with Maté Kamaras' forceful, sadistic Der Tod). But, I decided to give it an open mind. Especially since I had spent so much money on tickets, and had waited so long. So I found a friend to give my extra ticket to, and we made a plan to go.

We ended up taking the Hankyu line to Takarazuka, so I definitely made the joke that we fell right into a trap made by a 1910's Japanese businessman. That Mr. Hankyu is crafty.

I would say, that up until we crossed the Muko river from the station, that doubt in my mind still lingered. But the second we touched that bridge, something inside me changed. I got infected with the aura surrounding the theater. There was some magic in the air that just hooked its claws into me and told me to stay. There was something about the energy surrounding the place, that I really can't describe.

By the time the curtain rose I was hyped. And rightfully so. The next few hours were some of the most memorable performances I've ever seen staged.

Manaki Reika, whose voice I wasn't a fan of in the trailers I had seen, was spectacular. The parts of her performance that I hadn't enjoyed in glimpses ended up blending and evolving throughout the show as her character aged and matured. Her scene in the insane asylum struck me in particular, but her whole performance had an air of grace around it most deserving of an actress of her caliber. I am saddened that this is the only memory I'll have of her live on this stage.

Touka Yurino's Sophie was also a standout. She disappeared into her role, fully embodying it. I loved her voice, and the commanding presence she had on stage. I dearly wished that they would have given her "Bellaria", instead of whisking her off to her death mid-song. But alas, this is not that staging.

This performance was the morning of September 22nd, the first day of Miya Rurika's absence. But, due to me not reading postings at the theater/not having great Japanese comprehension all of the time, I had no idea until several hours after the performance. All of the switched roles blended flawlessly, still meeting all of the expectations you have for the characters beat for beat. And that blew my mind and really drilled into me how talented, trained, and rehearsed all of these women are. How do you go from playing Luigi Lucheni to Franz Joseph in one night? I was wowed throughout the performance by every actor, from the top stars to the smallest roles in the crowd. The effort they put into this craft is unimaginable to me, and they pull it off in the most magical of spectacles.

Finally, I want to talk about Tamaki Ryou. Her Tod bewitched me. Every scene, no matter where she was or what she was doing, I couldn't help but watch her helplessly. The best way for me to describe the characterization of death in this show as I understand it in my head, is that this Elisabeth and the Vienna staging I hold so closely to my heart are two sides of the same story. The Vienna revival is Elisabeth's story, plain and simple. She is tormented by death, his dark shadow leaving its wake upon everything in her life from the moment that she first spoke to him. Takarazuka is Death's story, him giving voice to Elisabeth's tale. He pines for her, she continues to rebuff him no matter how many options he gives her. He frames her narrative, but without the maliciousness. Does that make any sense? I'm not sure. Either way I spent probably $130 on pictures of Tamaki Ryou's face so who am I to talk? I've probably listened to the demo CD they were selling of three songs from the show about 50 times now, and every strain of Tamaki's voice in "Ai to Shi no Rondo" cuts me like a knife. The song that I thought I was going to hate became my new favorite, a fresh insert to the show that is constantly reframed by its reprisals. I love it, and I love her.

If I have one complaint about the show, it would have to be the omission of the death of little Sophie. I feel like that small part really sets the tone for the rest of the show. Like Death is here, and even if you have your small victories you will not outrun him or outlast him. But that's just my take. Otherwise 10/10, would stand in line for five hours to watch another performance if I had the time. Also will trade left kidney come November for dvds.

#elisabeth das musical #takarazuka #takarazuka revue #tsukigumi #review #long

[nashta]

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to complain or anything

I realize far too many people have it so much worse than I do, and I just need to put this out there or I'll cave in on myself. Also this post is a giant mess and I don't expect anyone to read it. So a few months ago, I started a new job where I'm working on Friday and Saturday until close (0300). My friend who will be moving in this week or next in place of my mom (oh yeah she's leaving the state) is my ride to and from work, and he refuses to pick me up from those two shifts because he works the next morning. Understandable, I guess, but Uber is super expensive like the first ride I had was almost $40. I can't afford that twice a week. Luckily, another friend of mine is saving me and will be my ride home until she goes to boot camp in February. Anyway, I feel lifeless. I'm not eating anything like I should and I have no energy and school is starting soon and I'm under immense amounts of stress and sacrificing more of myself than I have to sacrifice. He complained about the work thing, saying he won't pick me up from that shift, which I kind of get, but he also said he wants his 2 days off to be reliable so he knows that he'll have a day or two to look forward to where he doesn't have to drive or wake up or anything. Again, I get it, but here's the thing: you can't have both. You gotta either give up your guaranteed days off or a couple hours of sleep because I'm already not sleeping much/well, especially with school coming up. A full-time job on top of school that I'm fully responsible for? I will not be sleeping. A big-ass thing, a few months ago when he said he wouldn't pick me up from those shifts, I lashed out and said "how the fuck am I gonna eat with no job?" because yknow, anxiety, and he lashed back "don't you fucking dare try to guilt trip me." I wasn't trying to though, I was honestly just trying to express what my fears were. Literally ever since then, I refuse to tell him anything. I was often told I was a manipulative child, and maybe it's because I was "mature" for a child because manipulation, even after I learned what it was, was never my intent. But now, I can't tell him when something is wrong. I cry after a ton of shifts on the ride home almost the entire ride because honestly I have so much I need to just get OUT (hence this post) and so many things I'm afraid of and things I need him to do or at least listen to and understand. I need a hug and a cry and I need to know I'm safe and things will be fine and that someone gives a legitimate damn about me and my well-being because it really feels like no one in the world cares. Not enough, anyway. At this point now, someone just saying "I care" really isn't going to cut it. I'm not going to believe them, not really. I can consciously tell myself that, I can back it up with evidence and logic and things they've done to "prove" it, but I still won't feel it. He always wants to get home to his place, I understand, he's tired and wants to go, but I'm never okay. I'm so shot, during those times I'm crying in his car for 20 mins I literally just need a real fucking hug and I need to be allowed to cry because I don't make any sound. As soon as I get inside, I break the fuck down like I'm talking drop everything and fall to the floor audibly sobbing, and I'm exaggerating absolutely none of that. I've been afraid to post on this for so long because I know he follows it and reads shit and I'm afraid of what'll happen but honestly I just want to die and the more shit that happens, the more I break and the less I feel and the sooner I'll kill myself so maybe him getting pissed off and so upset with me is for the best. THIS IS A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT @ANYONE/FUTURE ME The reason I'm always crying is that I have things I need to express, but I can't. I'm constantly reminded of that "don't guilt me" thing, and every single thing I need to express is a guilt trip, all of it is a fucking manipulation, and I can't express that feeling because that is ALSO a guilt trip and a fucking manipulation. Telling him what I need and why and how it's fucking with me, that'll possibly make him feel bad, and telling him that I can't tell him shit might also make him feel bad, you see where I'm going with this? He also thinks I'm dramatic and overreacting to shit. My whole body is in pain and simple tasks seem to hurt more than they used to. FUTURE ME, THIS IS ALSO A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT I've expressed some of these things before and he just invalidates them. "Oh you're fine," "you just have hypothermia because you always have the A/C on," "your weight is fine." NO BITCH My temperature at one point hit 94.something. That's dangerous, and while I realize you can get hypothermia from too much A/C, I don't have any of the symptoms and I have too many symptoms of other things that are more likely. My mom is Type 1 brittle diabetic (autoimmune disease) which means being hypoglycemic isn't an out-there theory, I have a lot of symptoms, and it would explain the voodoo doll feeling. Plus hypoglycemia (from what I've read) is often a symptom itself of something else. Having Addison's Disease also isn't all that far off because it is also an autoimmune disease and it attacks internal organs (from what I've read. I'm not a doctor I don't know how likely or unlikely it is that I could have it). ALSO kidney disease (CKD) is another possibility because I have too many symptoms to be that much coincidence and that really freaks me out because if I'm ever so broke that I literally cannot afford food/water/other damn needs, my backup plan (honestly probably for college) is to sell one of my kidneys since you really only need one. And yes, I mean on the black market. Go ahead FBI fucking come for me. If I don't have 2 working kidneys, bye bye backup plan! Also to add to that stress, I don't know half of my biological family medical history. Never had a dad because he left, so I don't know what I'm at risk for from them. I have decent reason to fucking panic! MORE IMPORTANT THING FUTURE ME I KNOW YOU'VE NODDED OFF BY NOW PROBABLY GO FUCK YOURSELF I'm starving myself. Kind of. Ok look it's not in an ED sort of way. It's not like that, I'm not so fucking hungry that I'm clutching my stomach in pain and still refusing to eat. If I'm that hungry I'll try and fucking eat something. I have a small appetite because of stress and probably other things rn. There are usually only a few times I eat: 1) when I watch Shane Dawson videos (idk why he used to do a lot of food stuff and I'd usually watch them after work when I was hungry so maybe that's it but it's stuck now) 2) when I have to take my meds (before work and during work if it's been a while) 3) if my head is being stupid (if I have a massive headache because I've learned that that usually means I need food, or if my head is super foggy and I'm confused and slow and forgetful) My usual weight from a few months ago was like 115-118 lbs. I'm 4'11 so that's not bad BMI but I despised my body and frequently would punish myself for indulging or eating too much. My BMI was fine but too uncomfortably close to "overweight" for me. However, didn't hate my weight, just my body. Light for me was 112-115 lbs. My average-ish weight now is 100 lbs, and it's going down. I don't despise my body now (don't really like it still but I'm fine with it) and I don't want to gain my weight back but I'm also scared to lose more. I weighed myself earlier today and I WAS 98 LBS. THAT'S APPROXIMATELY A 20 LB DROP. That's still a healthy weight, but it wasn't lost in a healthy way and that's what fucking scares me. I sent him a photo of the scale at 99 lbs (he knows my normal weight and I expressed to him when I lost 10 lbs how worried I was because it was after like 2 weeks of accidental starvation) and YOU KNOW WHAT HE FUCKING SAID? "Your weight is nothing to be worried about." I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT I'M WORRIED ABOUT HOW I GOT THERE GODDAMMIT HE FUCKING KNOWS I HAVEN'T BEEN EATING. WE'VE LITERALLY TALKED ABOUT HOW IT'S A FUCKING STRUGGLE FOR ME TO GET IN MORE THAN 800 CALORIES IN A FUCKING WAKE CYCLE PLUS EVERYTHING I'M EATING IS NOT GOOD FOR ME TO BE EATING LIKE THIS Jesus fucking Christ god fucking dammit I'M FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT BECAUSE THE ONLY REASON IT'S THERE IS BECAUSE I'VE NOT BEEN EATING. I'VE BEEN FUCKING STARVING MYSELF I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. Because of money. That's literally the reason. I picked up my medication today and had a $1 copay. I've never had a copay before. I had an anxiety attack and bought food, plus I was hungry. I woke at 1800, ate at around 2000, ate again at 1000 when I took another dose of meds before work. This prescription thing, I got back in his car (which isn't working well and he was angry so I kind of get it) at 1700ish. I ate one small soft cookie and he asked me to not eat because chewing irritates him. So I didn't eat until 0100, after a few hours of sleep. Let me timeline this for you: 1800 - wake 2 hours later - approximately 1c rice with nooch and chili powder and a little cheese to take my meds and supplement 14 hours later- 1.5 pieces of naan with hummus to take my meds 7 hours later - 1 small cookie that I then felt bad about buying and eating because it made him angry and reinforced the "you're nothing so you don't deserve to eat" thing in my head 4 hours later - fall asleep 3.5 hours later - wake 30 mins later - half a package of soft cookies with milk 5 hours later - writing this post for 1.5 - 2 hours I don't eat 95% of the time because of money. If I eat this food, then I have to spend money to replace it. I might need that money later so don't eat too much, eat only what you need, don't be a fucking pig, eat only what you need to function, don't be greedy, eat only what you need to stay alive for now, don't piss anyone off by making a mess and being lazy just don't eat if you don't absolutely need to. Don't make anyone angry at you. Make it last. You need boots that you can work in. You need your neck worked out. You want to see Motionless In White, save your money. You can't go to Kipona this year because he won't go with you and you have no one else even though you used to go with Grandbob, maybe next year or the one after that. Save your money. Maybe Muddy Run? Save your money for that. You want to go to the Ren Faire, save all you can for that. Another thing that's fucking with me He said he'd take off work and go to last month's flute circle because I really want him to experience it, but backed out because he didn't want to take off work and left me unable to attend. I rarely go, and it's the last regular experience I have to Grandbob and it absolutely fucking destroyed me to not be there. Again. I can't go to this month's because it was 2 days ago. I don't think I'll be allowed to go back for another few years, I don't think I'll be allowed to experience anything that connects me to Grandbob for another few years and by then they'll probably all be gone. I'm not allowed to cope or lash out or cry or scream or experience emotion or eat or fucking try to have some sort of connection to Grandbob because it inconveniences everyone else and I'm not allowed to have needs or try to take care of myself because it inconveniences everyone else and makes everyone else angry and every single thing I do does that. Last week I woke up at 0200 and couldn't go back to sleep even though I had to be at work at 1100 and close the shop at 2100 and work through those hours. I couldn't get back to sleep even though I tried for hours because I was having a depressive anxiety attack and crying for hours and I was literally imagining that my availability having to change and possibly not being able to work the drunk rush anymore making my boss so angry and upset that he fires me and me being as depressed and anxious and suicidal as I am, literally taking a knife and killing myself in the bathroom and my coworker (who actually got fired irl) found me and was just so apathetic and my boss literally just being like "goddammit now I have this mess to clean up and have to close early and can't make money" and me dying having zero emotional impact on either of them because I'm not a fucking person to them and all I am is a hassle. So I'm seeing that in my head and crying for hours, then I'm also seeing potential effect that that imaginary situation has on my mom and my friend and I'm crying over THAT for hours. God, I don't even fucking know. I just want to die because no one gives a fuck and I hate this country and I don't have enough money to survive and be okay in this country and politics is killing me and money and stress and I just want to fucking die because my soul is cold and nothing feels real or genuine to me anymore and I'm just a fucking obligation to everyone I'm not a fucking person I'm not important I'm just a selfish piece of shit motherfucker that needs to die alone in a hole and I'm pretty sure this whole post is a fucking guilt trip manipulation bullshit even though I don't mean it to be and I wish I never needed anything because hugs aren't feeling genuine anymore no one fucking takes my needs into consideration it doesn't matter how thin i get or how thin I'm spread it's never enough and I can't expect anyone to spread themselves the smallest bit until I'm fucking dust please just end my earthly existence Look at me Look at this fucking post I'm fucking crazy, aren't I? Isn't this the raving of a mad person? I've literally spent 2 hours typing this WHY am I this way? WHY can't I just deal with it like everyone else?

#myposts #depression #depressing thoughts #anxiety #ravings of a madman #wes #wesley #yeah this is about you sorry for being so shitty #really really hoping you're not going to read this #really hope you don't have notifications on or something #hope you just don't #at the very least #don't fucking say anything to my mom #k cool #I am trash #personal #personal thoughts #bye