#i thought by 27 i would have a better understanding about fucking everything i need

[rileylefae]

dear gods,

give me a fucking break or catch these fucking hands

sincerly me

#gods an't one thing go fucking right #i thought by 27 i would have a better understanding about fucking everything i need #And yet #And fucking yet #Riley rants #ignore #Something happens where I have to call my stupid fucking parents in near tears because life is shit and painful and honestly what is the fu #fuking point #thanks tumblr for not letting me finish that tag #I'm so fucking tired of existance #I am One (1) more Thing happening before I delete all my socials and cut off all my friends because at this point it's just easier to start #anew

[thefallennightmare]

Just Pretend-eight

*gif created by me. feel free to use, simply give credit*

Parings: Noah Sebastian x Musician! Reader

Warnings/Tropes: language, angst, fluff, smut, star-crossed lovers, right person/wrong time, cheating, talks of mental abuse.

Summary: “I can wait for years, heaven knows I’m not getting over you.” A story about two star-crossed lovers, that always find their way back because their souls are entwined. The universe desperately attempts to bring them together, no matter what the cost.

Authors Note: okay, I had no plans on updating tonight(it's already 12:15 in the morning and I have to be up in seven hours) But I realized how crazy busy the next few days are so I said fuck it, and power wrote this for you all! PLEASE ENJOY!

Collaborating With: @thescarlettvvitch(better give her all the love as well)

Tags: @thescarlettvvitch @ozwriterchick @waake-meee-up @notingridslurkaccount @niicoleleigh @sammyjoeee @xxrainstorm @dominuslunae @notmaddihealy @malice-ov-mercy @crimson-calligraphyx @iknownothingpeople @writethrough @thebadchic @blackveilomens Claudia on Tumblr @tobe-written @blacksoul-27 @loeytuan98 @loverofagoodbeard @comfortcharactercraze @lma1986 @plutonikchaos1 @spicywhenspeaking @lyschko666 @somewhere-diamond

NOAH

"You're doing it again."

I ignored Jolly as I continued to pace the length of our bus while they watched with worry in their eyes.

"I don't understand. What the fuck happened? I thought I was doing the right thing by telling her." I rambled on while running a hand over my mouth.

"Noah-."

"No," I snapped while stopping in my tracks and looked directly into Nick's eyes. "I tried to tell her about Trey but she believed him over me. I know what I heard. Wasn't I enough for her?"

Nick sighed as he leaned against the counter in the kitchen area of the bus. "We all know that's not the reason she didn't believe you. It has nothing to do about your worth to her, Noah. She has no love for Trey, she's just blinded by what she think she wants. He has her claws in deep and she think there's no way out."

"He's a disease, eating away at her," Jolly spoke from his spot on the couch.

"I'm so fucked," I hastily tied my hair back out of my face. "She'll never see me the way I see her."

Jolly disagreed with a shake of his head. "You don't see what I've seen the last month. I think she feels the same."

Just as I was about to argue with Jolly, Folio fell down onto the couch next to him with a heavy thump while popping open a can of red bull. "She like's you, Noah. Trust me."

"Really? Because with how the conversation went, I think differently. It's clear who she would rather be with."

"You're not seeing it through her lense. Do you not remember how you were with-."

My eyes sliced into Nick as he tried to bring up my ex, again. "Don't."

He shook his head and stood straighter. "No, you're not going to get out of this conversation. I'm tired of you ignoring this. Julie fucked you up, but you needed time to grow from it and move forward. You need to let Y/N realize that and do it."

“I’ve seen you through everything after Julie," Nick continued. "We've known each other since we were twelve years old, trust me when I say this; Y/N's seeing things from a distance right now. She’s afraid she’s going to lose everything, he’s got her fucking trapped in that way of thinking."

Jolly agreed. "All it's going to take is one more slip, and Y/N's gonna see it. Trey is one more vodka red bull away from being fired."

I snorted while resting my hand on my hips. "I doubt that. Trey thinks he's the heart and soul of that band. There's no way he's going to get fired."

"Have our hunches ever been wrong?" Nick sighed. "Look, I think we all knew that there was something there, even before you met her. You were always so drawn to her music, then you met her and I’ve seen you smile; actually smile, Noah. I haven’t seen you smile like that in years. I think I can speak for us when I say; you’re not alone. She loves you too."

He shrugged as if mine and Y/N's feelings for each other were that simple.

I fell into the couch behind me with an almost defeated groan. "I don't know, guys. It feels pretty one sided right now."

"Just give it time," Folio smiled. "It might not be an easy road but we all see it; even Malcolm and Chase. Trey see's it too that's why he's acting like this. He knows Y/N's slipping from his grasp."

"Fuck him," I grumbled while leaning my head back to look up at the ceiling.

"Noah," Jolly's soft voice eased the growing tension.

I hummed in response, not bothering to look at him.

"Did you kiss her?"

My head snapped up at his question, heart hammering heart in my chest when I remember it; the memory never left if I was being honest.

"Yea," I sighed, not bothering to lie.

They all knew, it was clear on the unsurprised looks on their faces, but Nick's shoulders fell slightly. "You're really in deep."

I clasped my hands together as my arms rested on my thighs. "I know."

READER

Noah brushed past me, his anger radiating through me in waves, as the tears fell from my eyes to the ground below. My mind was swirling with so many words, I couldn't focus on what hurt the most.

"Trey cheated on you."

"No, I get it loud and fucking clear, Y/N! You're so afraid of how you feel for me, for us, that you're staying with something familiar even though he treats you like shit!"

"I don't deserve this," I wiped away the tears and turned slowly on my feet to head back to the bus but halted.

Did I really want to go there knowing that's where Trey was? What would I do? Confront him or ignore it like I did everything else?

Instead of walking towards my bus, I turned to take a few steps when I realized I was walking towards Bad Omens bus almost out of habit. I peered up through the windows to see Noah pacing while talking with his hands, no doubt telling the guys about what happened. For a moment, I forgot about the last hour of my birthday and remembered all the great things everyone put together for me today.

Even through the clear anger on his face, Noah looked ethereal in the low light of the bus. Out of everything he said tonight, the one thing I believed to be true was my feelings about him. I knew early on that I felt more than a normal friendship with him but it scared me to death.

There were these chemicals that passed between us when we kissed and it made us cling to one another. It blinded me for a little while to all the bad in my life until it came crashing down light a fit of rain. Noah was a miracle, and although I wasn't spiritual, he'd been this glimpse of bliss, a taste of heaven that my body desperately needed; my soul desired.

Now you fucked it up because you believed Trey over him.

I forced the negative thoughts out of my head and peered down to the still healing tattoo on my ankle before those imaginary walls built up inside of me, just like they were weeks ago when tour first started. Veering away from the busses, I walked to behind the venue as the physical pain in my heart cut off the oxygen in my lungs. I was gasping for breath, tears burning in my eyes, and I reached out a hand to grasp the brick of the building.

"Y/N!"

Malcolm's frantic voice called from behind; or in front? No, from the side?

Everything around me became hazy, fading to darkness as it gripped itself around my throat squeezing the life from me.

"Y/N," his soft hands on my face brought me back from the void as I stared up at his emerald eyes; filled with concern.

I pushed his hands away. "Leave me alone, Malcolm."

"Stop," he demanded as I tried to walk away, his large frame standing in front of me again. "What the fuck happened?"

"It's none of your business," I gritted out through clenched teeth.

I wasn't irritated with Malcolm, more so myself for being a fucking idiot.

"Hey, don't talk to me like that. It's me!" He grabbed my shoulders and gently shook me. "What did you do? I ran into Folio and he told me you and Noah got into a fight."

"Malcolm," my breath wavered as I averted my gaze to my dirty vans.

"Why are you pushing him away, Y/N? Noah cares about you, he would like about something like this."

I swallowed thickly. "Because-shit. I can't get upset about Trey cheating because I'm no better than he is."

I expected Malcolm to rear back in shock or scold me but he didn't. Instead, a small smile pulled at the corner of his lips.

"Chase and I had a bet to see who would tell us about the kiss first. I'm shocked you kept it a secret this long," he smirked.

"How did you know?" I asked dumbfounded.

He shrugged. "Ever since you two came back from Keaton's funeral, you've been happier; brighter. And every time I would watch you, you'd be looking at Noah's lips with a dumb grin on your face."

I playfully smacked his chest which caused him to break out in laugher; one I shared with him. It felt good to get that off of my shoulders.

"Honestly, Y/N,' Malcolm turned serious. "Why are you even with Trey? You know you don't deserve to be treated like this."

"You know why," I stared at him, all the words I couldn't say being held in my gaze.

“Sweets," his old nickname for me was something I hand't expected, and it was enough to break down those walls. "Come on, this band is you. It’s you. They come to see you. We’re in the band with this prick for you. You’re not gonna lose us, Y/N. As for Noah, he’s a good guy. Don’t spin the wheel on him and make him the bad guy when he isn’t.”

I choked out a sob as I wrapped my arms around myself. “I don’t know why I did it. I don’t know. I don’t love Trey, Malcom, I don’t. How can I face Noah now? Everything is so messed up."

Malcolm's arms pulled me into him and I melted, the familiarity of his scent and warmth was exactly what I needed to breathe a little easier. Both him and Chase had been brothers to me the last handful of years, they knew what I needed before I knew myself.

"It’ll get resolved, sweets. It will." His hand smoothed away the hair from my face. "Just give it time, you and him will make amends and either be friends or go about doing whatever you want to do. But, make a choice. Don’t lead him on and don’t punish yourself for the sins of Trey."

"You're right," I sniffled and wiped the snot on the back of my hand.

"Course I am," he now ruffled the hair he just finished smoothing down.

"You've been hanging with Jolly and Noah too much, I think," I giggled while pulling away from him. "You're such a philosopher now."

He wrapped an arm around me and began leading me back to the busses, much to my dismay, but I knew I couldn't avoid Trey forever. I needed to face this head on.

"I hope you had a good birthday before everything went to shit," Malcolm frowned.

"I did," I nodded. "I'm glad you guys told the Bad Omens guys about it. Means a lot."

As Malcolm rambled on about how Chase and him were talking about getting a bigger flat in Los Angeles once tour was over, I kept replaying the words he spoke to me, humming a tune along with him.

Just give it time.. hmm hmmm. And if you and- him, no. And if you and I-  hmmmm.

NOAH

Three days. Three fucking days since I last talked to Y/N, and I was going insane. She wanted space to think about everything and space was exactly what she got. Trey did a great job at keeping her on the bus when they weren't doing soundcheck or playing a show. My phone burned in my hand every time I tried to text her but ended up backing out.

She needed space; I reminded myself but that didn't stop me from what I did last night during our set. Her, Malcolm, and Chase were watching us from side stage and when I felt her dead eyes staring at my back, I looked over my shoulder at her; the words from my song tangling between the webbed connection that was growing stronger every day that passed.

"We're just two wrong souls that met at the wrong time. So just go your way, and I'll go mine. You'll be alone with someone new until the day that you die and I'll watch from afar to make sure you're alright."

Y/N rubbed her elbows and turned her back to me, leaving my line of sight.

I expected her to text me after that but she didn't. Chase reassured me she was fine and told me not to worry, she would come around eventually.

The darkness that filled her usually bright eyes was the only thing that stared back at me now as I hung out in the green room, hours before our show. I was talking with Jolly when her soft voice carried into the room, broken reflection staring behind me in the mirror I was standing in front of.

All I saw in those dark eyes was someone who was heartbroken, in love with the idea of who she thought Trey was, that she didn't realize there was a heartbeat standing in front of her, beating and bleeding for only her.

"Shit, I was looking for Trey." She muttered while clutching her sweater close to her chest.

Not only was she spending more time with him, Y/N was back to wearing clothes that hid herself from the world. Anger filled my veins as I kept my eyes on her reflection in the mirror, blowing out a deep breath.

"I don't know why you thought he'd be in here," I said flatly.

Jolly gave me a look of disapproval before shaking his head. "Have you checked the bus?"

Y/N turned towards him. "Uh, yeah. Sorry for bothering you guys."

"You're fine, Y/N," Jolly's soft voice stopped her from leaving the room prematurely. "You're never bothering us, alright? We're here for whatever you need."

"I know you are but," She nodded towards me. "I'd say Noah thinks differently."

"You really want to know what I think?" I spun on my heels to face her.

Her eyes narrowed. "I'm not getting into this with you, Noah. I've been through a lot of shit the last few days, the last thing I need is your dissapointed sighs every time I walk into the room or the way you tell me how you really feel through your lyrics."

"How I really feel?" I scoffed while running a hand over my jaw. "You know how I feel, angel. But you walked away."

"I didn't have a choice, Noah! Trey's my boyfriend!" She snapped.

Gone was any sympathy I felt for the situation. In this moment, all I felt was rage.

"He's cheating on you!" I threw a hand out towards the door of the room. "Where do you think he goes every time he disappears? Surely not getting drunk all the time. If he is, it's with someone sucking his dick, probably."

Y/N's hands shook at her sides. "Fuck you."

"Why are you so hell bent on believing he's the only one for you?" I demanded taking a step towards her.

Jolly, who was still in the room, watched us with careful eyes. He knew we needed to hash things out but still wanted to make sure nothing went too far.

"I have too!" She seethed while pushing me away. "Trey's not as bad as you guys think, okay? He's the one that gave me a place in this band; He believed in me so I have to believe him."

"Do you love him?" I questioned while grasping her hand as it remained on my chest.

She blinked, and for a long moment, said nothing as she thought of her answer. But I never got the answer because Matt poked his head into the room.

"What the fuck, guys! I've been looking everywhere for you. We have this interview with a reporter in two minutes."

"I need a minute," I quipped towards Matt but kept my eyes sternly on Y/N's face.

He went to protest but Y/N slipped away from me, creating more distance.

"No, he doesn't. I'm done with this conversation."

"Angel." I went to reach for her hand but she recoiled back as if I burned her.

"Just stop, okay? I already made my decision. I don't give a fuck if you don't like it but it wasn't your choice. Whatever you wanted to have with me, Noah; it's not going to happen. I'm with Trey because he understands. He knows me; you don't."

She was out of the room before I could digest her words completely.

READER

Everything is so fucked.

I sat on my bunk with my knees pulled to my chest, forehead resting on them, as the tears continued to fall onto the blanket beneath me. My body felt drained of any light or energy from how much I cried the last few days that I wasn't sure how I'd be able to perform tonight. There was only three shows left on tour, maybe fans would understand if we canceled them? Have Ethan post something on social media letting them I didn't feel well and needed the time to recoup?

Right, they'd probably burn our merch because I didn't come out myself and say this.

Wiping the snot and tears on the sleeve of my sweater, I went to tuck myself under the blanket when I heard some commotion from the front area of the bus.

"You sure we're alone?" A quiet but feminine voice spoke.

"Yea, she's probably groveling for that kid's forgiveness right now. Bitch is so obsessed with him, I'm supposed he hasn't kicked her to the curb yet."

Trey.

My heart sank as I sat up a little straighter in my bunk, careful not to make a sound.

"Why are you still with her then? She seems to hold you back from achieving greatness."

Trey snorted. "She's nothing without me, babe. I'm the one that gave her everything she has and she knows it. All Y/N's good for in a hole to stick my dick in but even then all she did was bitch about how much it hurt or wasn't feeling good enough for her. Surprised I even continued to fuck her after she bled on my dick."

My jaw went slack as my heart broke into tiny little pieces, falling into the pits of my stomach.

How could he? Trey knew about my condition, he was there when I got the diagnosis all those years ago and needed a shoulder to cry on. And the bleeding was only because the pain was too much for me. I knew I should have stopped him but I remember biting my cheek, hoping it would subside. Eventually it did, but I didn't know bleeding during sex was a side effect with this condition.

"Thank fuck I wore a condom with her every time," Trey grumbled.

"Well," the women's voice turned sultry. "You don't have to worry about that with me. I can be whatever you want me to be tonight. I'm just so thankful you found me waiting in line for the show tonight. I wished for this."

"You sure you don't want one of those kids from Bad Omens? Their vocalist has a thing for stealing what's mine."

"Oh, please. Noah Sebastian? He's a talentless slender man. I can't believe you guys are touring with them. They're clearly riding your coattails to fame because Noah know's he'll never be the man you are."

Okay, that's it.

Ripping the curtain open, I stormed into the front section of the bus just in time to see Trey forcing his tongue down this girl's throat. I stumbled over my words when I noticed how young she was; she had to be twenty years old.

Ten years younger than Trey.

"What the fuck," I spat.

They both broke apart and while the girl looked shocked as hell seeing me, Trey narrowed his eyes at me.

"What are you doing here?" He demanded.

It took me a few moments to gain my barrings before I finally snapped my gaze towards the young girl. "How old are you? Don't even think about giving me a bullshit answer. I have people that can find out who you are in a matter of minutes."

She shifted on her feet. "Seventeen."

Fuck-make that thirteen years younger than Trey.

"Oh my Hades," I pinched my eyes shut while taking a deep breath.

"Y/N, baby. She was only asking for a picture," Trey tried to explain.

"Of what, your dick?" I snapped.

"Atleast I'm giving him something," the girl crossed her arms over her chest while popping a hip out to look tough.

"Really," I raised a brow. "You have two seconds to get off this bus before security hauls your ass out of here in cuffs with everyone watching that."

She huffed. "I'm not afraid of some security guards."

I hummed while pulling out my phone to take a quick picture of her and Trey's arm wrapped around her neck.

"But I bet your afraid of your parents finding out that you're sneaking onto tour busses with men ten years older."

The girl paled. "You don't know my name, how would my parents find out?"

"No, I may not know your name but social media is a powerful thing," I shook my phone. "All I have to do is post it on my Instagram and one of my half a million followers know you."

"Y/N-," Trey warned.

"Oh you know what," I snapped my fingers. "I bet you follow Trey. Won't be hard to find a blonde."

I made a mock show of scrolling through my phone and continued to ramble on. "Here I thought I was Trey's type; brunette and older. Apparently I was wrong."

"Are you done with your jokes?" Trey groaned while running a hand through his curls.

"Oh, here you are!" I ignored him by holding up my phone in mock victory. My eyes bounced between my phone and the girl. "Your picture doesn't do you justice."

"Wait!" She yelled with her hands out towards me. "Please don't! I'll leave and forget this ever happened."

I smirked while motioning towards the bus. "Let the door hit ya on the way out."

Once alone, I snapped all of my hatred and anger towards Trey. "You're fucking unbelievable! She's a child you disgusting piece of shit!"

"More experienced than you," Trey shrugged.

I blinked, appalled in so many ways. "Why the hell did you even stay with me then, Trey?" I asked.

"A good hole when I couldn't find what I needed."

God, why did I ever think he loved me?

"You're a real asshole," I shook my head. "I can't believe I took your side over his."

That angered him because Trey tossed his jacket off onto the couch before pointing over my shoulder. "You want to talk about me? Lets look what's inside your suitcase."

Storming passed me, he ripped my private suitcase from an empty bunk and tossed the contents all over the floor at my feet. The three gifts Noah has bought be over the last few weeks standing out like a sore thumb.

Trey snatched up the bracelet and necklace. "You wanna talk about me? What the fuck is this?”

“It’s just a bracelet and a necklace. Trey, don’t even say it’s the same." I rolled my eyes, not seeing it the way he was.

"Bullshit," he spat at my feet. "You had no problem fucking keeping it did you? Is this from him?!"

When I didn't answer, he lost it and tossed the jewelry across the bus, his loud voice carrying through the open windows of the bus.

"It is, isn’t it? You had no problem fucking accepting it did you?”

I stood tall against him, this time not backing down as Trey picked up the wolf stuffed animal Noah bought me from the outing at the zoo. "What the fuck is this? Are you ten? You need to sleep with a stuffed animal?"

I choked on a breath when he tossed it out of the window.

"You're not going to turn this on me! You sick fuck!"

“No, I think we will. I’ve known for years you couldn’t hack it. You can act innocent like you haven’t been falling for this other guy this whole fucking time! That arrogant fucking prick thinks his little bring me dupe band is gonna make it."

Trey punched the wall next to him, causing me to jump slightly. "Shit-fuck them and fuck him."

“How dare you!" I pointed a finger at him. "They work fucking hard, harder than you ever have, Trey. Fuck, you're a piece of shit. I can’t believe I've ever cared for you.”

“Fucking ditto baby," Trey chuckled darkly. "You think he’s gonna fall in love with you and magically make your problems go away?"

My hands clenched into fists at my side. "I never said that but-."

"Do you really think this dude is going to want to waste thousands of dollars on implanting something that should fucking work? Christ, that has to be embarrassing for you; go ahead and tell him. I'd love to see if he stays with you."

He paused for a long moment and I was livid, anger pulsing through me he went that low.

Trey took a step towards me, almost getting in my face as his voice dropped. "Noah doesn’t know how fucking broken you are and I bet with all the money in the world, you can't magically fix this."

He motioned towards my body with a limp finger.

"Fuck you, Trey!" I pushed him away from me with all my strength. "Let me clear this up for you and don’t stop me if I talk too fast. It’s my life not yours! And it’s my heart; my soul! It isn’t yours anymore! You’re self destructive so maybe we’re even."

"Remember, baby, I found you when you were nothing, I tried to make you something! Turn you into a star-but now look at you, a fucking bitch on a leash and for who? Him. He just wants to pump and dump ya baby, like so many others."

The sound of skin on skin echoed out of the open windows as I slapped tray across the face, his eyes burning daggers into the ground.

"I fucking hate you. I can't believe I wasted years on someone like you! You fucked me up so bad, how can I ever love someone else without thinking their cheating on me? I'll spend my entire life wondering if I'm good enough for anyone else, does that make you feel good? Knowing that I'm fucked up."

Trye sneered while snapping his head up towards me. "I'll sleep like a fucking baby; something you'll never have."

Another slap followed by another. He took a step towards me while raising his fist and as I prepared myself for the impact, feet pounding on the ground were my saving grace.

"Mother fucker!"

Chase tackled Trey into the wall behind them, forcing his forearm into Trey's neck, cutting off his oxygen. Malcolm was at my side, eyes scanning over me for any injuries; physically there were none but emotionally, I was cut up from the inside out.

Ethan, our manager, must have heard the commotion as well, because he was now standing on the other side of me, eyeing Trey with a questionable gaze.

"Chase, let him go," Ethan spoke slow.

It only made Chase tighten his grip on Trey's throat. "Piece of shit deserves this. He was about to hit, Y/N."

"Deserves. It," Trey choked out with a sickly smile.

I turned away from him, tears falling from my eyes suddenly as the sobs attacked me with such force I fell into Malcolm's arms. Ethan stepped up to Chase and left a gentle hand on his back.

"I can't kick him out unless he's free to leave, Chase."

Trey's eyes widened with either the loss of oxygen or what Ethan said. "You can't."

"We did," Malcolm spoke while rubbing my back. "It's already been decided."

“Hollow souls is my band!” Trey finally got the upper hand over Chase and pushed him away.

When Chase went back to choke him out, I desperately reached for his arm to pull him close to me. I was a distraught mess, and I needed them.

"Three to one motherfucker, you’re out!" Chase held his head high.

Ethan stepped between us while motioning to Trey. "Get your shit packed up, there's a cab already waiting for you."

NOAH

"Do you guys hear that?" Folio said while leaning over his bunk so he could look at me upside down. "It sounds like someones fighting."

I shrugged while pulling out one of my headphones, pausing my music. "Maybe Jolly's watching a movie too loud again?"

"Nope," Jolly leaned down in front of my bunk. "It's coming from Hollow Souls bus."

Scrambling out of my bunk, I pushed passed Jolly to run out of the bus in time to see Trey loading his bags into the back of a cab. As if he could sense me, he threw a dark laugh my way.

"Hey prick! Are you happy now?"

I shrugged with one hand in my worn out blue and white star shorts while the other hand threw up the peace sign and turned my back to him to leave. I made it all of two steps before Trey's voice called behind me.

“I don’t know what the fuck you see in her, anyway!”

That made me turn swiftly on my heels to flip him off. "Every thing you didn’t."

Once the cab drove off, I turned towards Hollow Souls but to see Y/N standing on the last step. Her eyes were red and puffy, hair a disheveled mess from her running her hands through it as some strands stuck to her face because of the tears.

Fuck, I was supposed to be made at her because of our fight earlier but seeing how broken she looked made me want to wrap my arms around her.

"Noah," she choked on my name through sobs. "I-I'm-."

Stay strong. You can't fold because a pretty girl is crying in front of you.

But-.

No buts. She told you whatever you wanted to happen, wasn't going to. She doesn't love you.

"Noah, can we talk," her bottom lip wobbled. "Please."

I shrugged with my hands still deep into my pockets. "Seems like you said everything you needed to say."

As much as my heart was screaming for me to go back, I kept walking towards my bus knowing that I had to get ready; Bad Omens set was starting in less than an hour.

NOAH

"Thanks Seattle! We hope you stick around for Hollow Souls! They're bound to put on a killer show!"

With a final wave towards the crowd, me and the guys ran off the stage just in time to see Malcolm and Chase looking frantic.

"What's wrong with you two?" Folio questioned while wrapping a bandaid around his pinky.

He went a little too hard on the drums tonight and somehow ended up slicing his pinky pretty good.

We all knew that Hollow Souls was panicking since kicking out Trey because not only did they lose their screamer but also their guitar player. He deserved to be fired, and it was a long time coming but now that the venom has cleared from the bands veins, they realized how fucked they were. While we were on stage tonight, I could see Ethan running around with his phone pressed to his ear, trying to figure out replacements.

"We can't find Y/N," Chase ran a hand over his buzzed head.

I nearly dropped the water bottle I was drinking as my stomach dropped out of my ass, heart beating a thousand miles a minute. "What?"

Malcolm ran a hand over his face. "She spun out, man. After you brushed her off earlier, she took off saying she needed some space. She left her phone on the bus and hasn't come back. Chase spent the last hour looking for her. We don't know where she is and we still have to decide what we're going to do about the last few shows."

Jolly squeezed Malcolm's shoulder. "It'll be alright. We'll go look for her."

"No," I shook my head. "You guys stay here, I'll go find her. In the meantime, your guitar tech knows all your songs, right?"

Chase nodded. "Yes, but how does that help for the screams?"

"Nick, have your phone by you so I can call you when I find her," I said, already working my mind on places she could be.

I pointed to Folio next. "You and Jolly head back out on stage to throw out some sticks or guitar picks. Anything to distract the crowd."

Before the doubt could stop me, I barreled through the back door of the venue, the cool air brushing over my heated skin as I looked to the left then to the right.

Where are you, angel?

Suddenly, I remembered something from one of her old live streams she did last year. A fan asked her where she liked to go when she needed time to think.

"Oh, thats easy," she answered with zero hesitation. "The rooftop of the venue were playing or the rooftop of my apartment. I love looking out at the vastness of the city almost like I'm Zeus staring down at all the other demi Gods."

My feet traveled faster than my brain did as I ran around back, quickly finding the ladder that lead to the rooftop. I climbed with ease and reached the top in a matter of seconds, eyes scanning for the long hair that I dreamed of.

There.

Sitting on the ledge with her head in her hands was Y/N, body shaking with sobs. I approached slowly, not wanting to scare her.

"Angel."

She hastily rose to her feet while wiping away the tears. "Noah? How'd you find me?"

"I remembered you said you enjoyed sitting on rooftops; almost like you're Zeus."

Through the tears and pain etched in her face, the briefest of smiles poked through until she remembered everything that happened a few hours ago. Even through the mess of make up, knotted hair, and blotchy skin, I wanted to grab her face to crash my lips to hers.

"I was an idiot," she sobbed. "I should have believed you about Trey but I was so blinded by the lies he spewed. Everything was a lie. He never loved me and I knew I never loved him."

As much as I wanted to talk, I decided it would be best if I stayed quiet so she could let everything out.

"He was the venom inside of me, draining me of my light and soul. I let him do that; let him change who I was. God, I'm so stupid!" She covered her face with shaking hands. "I can't believe I believed him over you!"

"Angel," I said again in a soft voice.

She either didn't hear me or didn't bother to stop. "You know, deep down I knew he was cheating. Where the fuck does he disappear to all the time? But I stayed with him because I thought no one would want me with what's wrong. I'm broken, every part of me unfixable, and Trey made me think no one would want to spend the money or time."

Y/N kept rambling on, not letting me get a word in, so instead I pulled her into my embrace, hand resting on her back while she buried her face into my shirt, gripping ti with all her might.

"I'm so sorry. I should have believed you. I'm such a fucking idiot."

I laid a soft kiss to the top of her head before tilting her chin up towards me. "You're not an idiot, angel. You said it yourself, you were blinded by who you thought Trey was."

She sniffled as I wiped the tears away. "But you never lied to me; there was no reason for you too. I said some hurtful things to you, Noah. I don't understand how you could ever forgive me for that?"

"Water under the bridge," I shrugged with a light chuckle, hoping it would ease the mood.

It didn't.

"I don't want to lose you, Noah. I can't lose you." She sobbed again.

I cupped her face this time, forcing our gazes to lock. "You won't. I forgive you."

"Wh-what?" She stammered.

"I forgive you, angel."

Earlier this afternoon, I hadn't planned on forgiving her this soon. But I suppose one step of my maturity is how seamless it was to accept the apology. Usually, I'd sit there, let the person ramble some bullshit I knew wasn't true. However, now, I sat up straight when I looked into those eyes, those eyes I felt deep in my gut weren't lying. She truly has been conditioned, like some kind of Stockholm Syndrome and I understood all too well what that was like. I lived that for years-desolate.

Seeing Y/N crying, broken, and afraid of losing me for the choices someone else made, I decided I would not be a boy. I was a man, a grown man, one of little words when I couldn't stop overthinking. However, I decided that communication was key; it's what gotten the band this far.

I was going to be a man, a man she deserved to have in her life; no matter what it cost me.

"You do?" Y/N peered up at me through lashes. "You don't, I don't know-hate me?"

"No," I said firmly, hands still gripping her face.

Her wet eyes sparkle with the setting sun. "Not at all? I-."

"Stop, angel. Stop," I stood taller. "I will not lash out at you to get even. I'm not going to make you get on your knee's and grovel either. We had an argument, discussed the situation. You apologized, I forgave you, and we made up."

"Just liek that?" Y/N wondred.

I brushed a kiss across her forehead, breathing in her scent. "Just like that, angel. I'm not him. I see the road ahead of me and I choose to take the high one."

Her grip on my hips tighted, almost afraid I would change my mind and walk away; never in a million years could I walk away from her. We were connected so deep, our souls would fade to the earth benethe our feet if we were to lose one another.

"Well, I must confess Noah; this is all new to me. I'm letting my guard down to let you in. I've been trying to sleep at night to avoid this thing between us, whatever the hell it is. You're the one at the foot of my bed trying to keep me alive at night."

My heart damn near soar so high into my throat, I was afraid I'd choke on it.

We stayed like that for a long few moments; me rocking her softly in my arms, until reality struck causing me to switch from my embrace around her to linking our fingers together.

"Come on, you've got a room full of fans waiting for you," I tugged her along.

"Shit," she cursed. "How the hell am I supposed to explain to them what happened to Trey?"

The corner of my lips lifted in a smile. "Well, think of something."

READER

"Hey, Seattle?! How are we feeling?" I spoke into the microphone.

My throat was raw from all the crying I'd been doing that I could barley speak, let alone sing.

The crowd cheered wildly, ready to watch Hollow Souls perform. It didn't even bother them I was still dressed in a pair of black sweatpants and a matching crop top sweater.

"Well, unfortunately Chase, Malcolm, and I have some news," the crowd's cheers went dead silent as I pointed to Chase on one side of me and Malcolm on the other. "As you can see, Trey isn't on the stage with us. Because of personal reasons, he's no longer apart of Hollow Souls."

It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop from the streets outside. I swallowed my nerves, forcing myself to continue with what I knew I had to say next.

"So with that being said, we as a trio have decided to-."

Suddenly, loud cheers and applause reverberated in my ears as I watched Noah run onto the stage, holding up a hand in the air.

"Excited to see me again, Seattle?"

I blinked at him, confused why he was on stage again. "What are you doing?" I mouthed.

"Well, it seems like Hollow Souls need a fill in for tonight?" Noah briefly ignored me to continue speaking to the crowd.

This time the screams were so loud, I was sure some glasses broke on the bar in the back of the room.

"If it's alright with my beautiful friend here," Noah smirked at me. "I'd love to fill in. We've got your guitar tech filling in for Trey."

I then saw Mike, our tech, give me a small wave. Everything was happening so fast, I barley had time to register Malcolm stole the microphone from me. "Yes, Noah I accept. We would love your help for tonight."

As he walked past me to prepare himself to fill in, I placed a hand on his stomach. "Thank you."

He brought the hand from his stomach to his lips, pressing soft kisses along each knuckle. "Anything for you, angel."

Holy shit. I thought Hollow Souls sounded amazing with Trey but I was wrong; so fucking wrong. Noah was something I never thought I needed; personally and professionally. They way we sang together, the energy palpable. It was nothing like I ever experienced with Trey. The way Noah and I connected with our vocal ranges, hell even our fucking souls were connected that much I knew. But as Noah screamed out hte last line of our final song, I swallowed hard when those scary, unknown feelings hit me.

I love him.

#noah sebastian #noah sebastian and reader #noah sebastian x reader #noah sebastian reader insert #noah sebastian smut #enemies to lovers #right person wrong time #starcrossed lovers

[hushedlover]

Xavier comforting reader who’s just been really emotional lately?

Ur page is so aesthetically pleasing by the way 🫶🏻

literally having a breakdown rn so this is perfect </3

also thank you so much I try to make it look nice hahaha

You were shaking and your eyes were watering and everything was so loud and everything made you want to cry. It had been like this for at least a week. It felt like forever. Rationally you knee you hadn't always felt like this, it had only been a little while of the emotional rollercoaster. But it felt like ages.

Because of this, you had been avoiding your oh-so-lovely boyfriend. Xavier. just the thought of him made the tears start to form even faster. you missed him. you felt so guilty. but once the onslaught of emotions started you didn't know what to do. So you locked yourself in your room, throwing some excuse about being sick at your teachers and friends. You had stuck with this for 3 days now.

The past days had been filled with crying, tossing and turning in bed, more crying, throwing things around the room in anger, guilt, more crying, and finally, a few short hours of sleep before it all repeated. Currently, you were in the guilt stage. Rocking yourself back and forth in your bed, wrapped in a blanket with only your face showing. You were being consumed by your thoughts. Guilt, shame, anxiety, and insecurities flow over you in waves. You were gasping for breath through the waters of emotions, looking for anything to save you. You thought it would never come. But it did. A knock at your door.

That was weird. Your roomate had told your friends not to bother you and she would just walk in. Who would be at the door? Your question was answered when a voice called through the wood.

"Hello? Babe I know you're in there."

Shit. Xavier.

You searched through your piles of blankets to find your phone, only to see the 27 missed texts and 18 missed calls from the boy. Cursing you threw the phone down and padded your way to the door.

"go away xavier," you called tentatively.

"No. We need to talk."

You're heart clenched with anxiety.

oh no he's angry. he's gonna break up with you. moron. you knew it would happen. you're not good enough for him. not like Bianca. he's better with her, he-

You didn't remember opening the door, but suddenly xavier was pushing his way past you and into your room. He was already spewing words.

"I talked to all your friends, all your teachers. You haven't answered any of my goddamn texts or calls. I thought you were dead! Do you understand that?!," he was pacing in front of you, tugging his hair. "Do you want to break up with me? God of course you do. I knew this day was coming. You could've just fucking told me. Instead of disappearing like that I mean-"

Xavier cut himself off at the sound of your sniffle. He looked at where you were standing in front of him. You were twisting your (his) sweater in your hands, and even though you were looking down to avoid his eyes, he could tell you were crying. Immediately he rushed forward. His hands were on your shoulders and petting your hair back, desperately trying to get you to look at him. He didn't mean to make you cry.

"Honey I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you. What's going on? talk to me please," He was practically begging at this point. "you can yell at me, hit me, anything just please please look at me."

So you finally did. You looked at him with huge doe eyes filled with tears and the minute you made eye contact you burst into tears.

"I'm so sorry Xavier," you wailed. "I just have been having so many things going on in my head and I don't understand why I'm feeling so much and I didn't want to make you mad or make you not want to be with me anymore and-"

Xavier quickly wrapped you in his arms and shushed you.

"You're okay, it's okay. I'm not mad. I love you so so much. You just have to talk to me honey, I was so worried about you. I promise you're okay. We're okay."

He guided you towards your bed, kicking his shoes off along the way.

"Why don't we just lay here for a little and help you calm down, yeah?"

You mumbled out a quiet agreement and buried yourself in his chest. You didn't know how, but Xavier made everything better. He was what saved you.

#xavier thorpe x you #xavier thorpe x y/n #xavier thorpe #xavier thorpe x reader #xavier thorpe x reader comfort #wednesday show #wednesday #Wednesday x reader

[takemealivelh]

heart is gonna flatline || l.h.

tour puts luke and lucy's feelings to the test. addiction to sex, alcohol and weed for when things get hard. SMUT.

this was so fun to write ! loved to participate in the @5sos-fic-fest this year. hope you enjoy this. here's the ao3 link.

7.1 k

FEEDBACK IS ENCOURAGED AND APPRECIATED

Prompt Au where the characters are both famous musicians with their own projects who have a well-documented public friendship. When they announce a tour together fans go crazy, as do the shippers. As the tour progresses, maybe the shippers are on to something…

Pop-rockers 5SOS and Latina indie-rocker Lucía Huerta announce tour together Last year, there were rumors about the frontman of the Australian band -Luke Hemmings, 27- and relatively new sensation Lucía "Lucy" Huerta, 28. They'd been caught leaving West Hollywood bars together, late at night, on numerous occasions. They put the speculation to a stop when in June 2023 Lucy uploaded an Instagram story of her and the blond having a drink. She tagged Hemmings and wrote "that's the homie", to which Luke replied in his own stories "that's me :)". They've been seen hanging out repeatedly since then, but it doesn't seem any more platonic than work friends. And speaking of work friends, 5 Seconds of Summer and Huerta just announced a 2024 tour that definitely excited fans, not just because of the vibrant shows they expect to see later in the year, but also because they want to see how the relationship of the two stars will develop during the four-month North American dates. Here at Music Getaway, we'll definitely keep a close eye on them.

-

"i'm not ready to tell them yet," lucy says to his boyfriend as she leaves the coffee cup on the kitchen counter next to them. they've been dating for eight months. it's been hard to hide their relationship from the press, and luke isn't too keen on the idea. he actually hates it. but he loves lucy. he loves that she's a talented musician, her laugh, her jokes and her business smarts. and he just can't enjoy this in peace, not with being so secretive.

"you've been saying that for months now. when are you gonna be okay with this? with us?" luke doesn't get it. why hide when they go out on dates and he can finally press a hand on her ass in public to stop the thirst traps people seem to tag her on. hoping to get a chance with her? fuck no. the blond wants her all to himself, he can't deny that.

lucy twists her lips, stalling. the smell of freshly brewed breakfast coffee dancing around them. "you don't understand." she finally says, reaching a hand to touch his arm for a few seconds. the thought of being out in the open with luke would change everything. "people will treat me differently. they might not respect me anymore."

"what are you talking about?"

"luke, come on. i got my own interview with kelly clarkson and then i played the iheartradio festival." they'd been incredible opportunities. "all of my hard work goes away the minute they know we're together. they'll say oh she was fucking the rockstar and he got her those big breaks. i don't want that. i don't want people to minimize my efforts."

luke sighs and shakes his head. "is that what's more important?" lucy shrugs. "okay," he finally says.

"okay?"

"yeah. it's fine. i get it. i won't bring it up again."

lucy throws her arms around his neck. "thank you," she whispers before kissing his lips softly. "i love you."

-

luke sits with ashton outside the rehearsal room. they've been playing for nearly two hours and they need a breather, especially because luke's mind is spinning. "i don't know, man. it sucks." they hear chattering on the other side of the door, a few guitar riffs and then laughter.

"of course it sucks, mate," ashton tells his friend. "she doesn't want to be in your shadow. it really fucking sucks and you better not fuck this up for her. you know how hard she's been working." he had grown fond of lucy. she was as much of a fan of drums as he was. he taught her a few fills and she invited him to do yoga and get high, ending up talking about how the unconscious force of creativity is beyond any of us. ashton doesn't want to see her heartbroken because of her boyfriend's, his best friend's inability to trust someone who really loves him.

-

luke's insecure, there's no question about that. after his marriage fell apart, he fell into a depression. and when he got better, he found this woman in the venue of the iheartradio festival, she was wearing cool sunglasses and stevie nicks-looking clothes. hippie goth he would've dared to say. they were watching the soundcheck of another band and started talking after she took out a cigarette from her backpack and asked him for a lighter.

"sorry, no. i don't smoke."

"that's okay," she smiled. 

that was all she said before looking for -and eventually finding- a lighter in the outside pocket of her small backpack.

the man looked up at the sky, the sun shining bright and the warm air of the field. he squinted one eye and turned to her. "they sound pretty good," he said of the band that was talking onstage, between songs. she nodded her head. "do you know them?"

"not personally, no," she replied and blew smoke out in a thin line. "but i've been a fan of them for a while now. they're one of my favorite indie bands."

that got them talking, eventually introducing themselves and catching up later after each other’s set. there was chemistry and flirting. luke's band immediately caught up to what was happening, when he said he was gonna congratulate lucy and be right back. but he didn't and it took them a full while to find him, thirty minutes before they went up and played.

-

"you got a lighter?"

calum nods and lights the cigarette for her. the smoking area of the building being a small parking lot.

"thanks," she breathes out. "you out here on your own?"

the bassist nods. "it's a good place to think."

lucy smiles and rolls her eyes. “cheesy,” she says with a grin.

"where's loverboy?" he asks, a cheeky smile on his face. calum was the first one to see them kissing. it was an afterparty at his band photographer's place. he'd gone to the kitchen when everyone started leaving, eight in the morning. when he went back to the living room with a cup of coffee, he saw lucy snuggled up to luke, smiling at him. luke smiled back and leaned in to kiss her. "aren't you guys glued to the hip anymore?"

lucy chuckles, "i don't know. there's... a lot happening."

"i'm listening."

"uh... okay. so... we decided to not tell everyone yet that we're dating. Not even with the tour. and i think he's mad at me."

"why do you say that?"

"he's been more... distant. and i don't know if that's what i wanted but it feels like... payback. like, you banned us and now i'm gonna make sure you feel it type of thing."

"i'm sure it's not that."

a bitter chuckle leaves her lips. "helpful as usual, cal."

-

cincinatti, first stop of the you don't go to parties tour. lucy had laughed when they first told her the name of the tour, but she eventually grew to like it and even embrace it. it's 6 pm and her soundcheck just ended. security lets fans in for a q&a with 5sos. she walks over to her boyfriend and smiles at him, wanting to kiss him good luck, or maybe just because she loves him. but luke stops her before she can even tilt her head up to reach his lips.

"we can't now. remember?"

it leaves her heart sore. she stands still as luke enters the stage and is greeted with the cheering of the fans. the rest of the guys are already seated on the small stairs of the set. she watches him ignore her and the questions about her. michael replies to one of them by saying she's our friend and we care for her and we're pretty inspired by her work as well, so it seemed like a good idea to, like, join forces and do this tour together.

lucy hopes luke will acknowledge her at some point, but he doesn't. when they start playing talk fast for the few lucky seventy fans in the audience, she twists her lips and leaves, heading backstage.

-

he doesn't see her until she's onstage again, playing her set of amazing songs for the 16,000 people attending the show. they dance and scream the lyrics back to her. she plays her guitar and sings with her raspy grunge-style voice over the indie-pop-rock arrangements her backing band provides. his heart beats faster as she approaches the microphone and starts talking.

"and thank you to my friends in 5sos who have been kind enough to invite me to co-headline this tour. the you don't go to parties tour seemed a little odd to me at first because this is definitely a party, isn't it?" she smiles as the crowd cheers. "so thank you guys," lucy turns to the left of the stage and sees luke standing next to her guitar tech. "i really fucking love you."

-

because of technical issues, the band can't perform the whole setlist. sometimes it happens. ashton is always pissed. "they're missing the whole experience!"

"yeah, well. nothing we can do. venue told us we could do the whole hour and a half but because of the issue with the speakers, they can't last that long. you have to cut two songs."

the tour manager tries to hold this thing together as ashton and michael complain. calum offers suggestions.

"i guess we could lose um... we could lose babylon, right? just this once and... flatline maybe?" the bassist looks over at luke.

flatline is the one song they had never played live before and it’d be a surprise for the audience. especially because lucy would come onstage to sing it with them. play the rhythmic guitar while luke walks around, hyping up the crowd. they'd rehearsed it several times and she was excited about it. they both were. allegedly.

"sure," luke replies as he drinks a glass of tequila, setting it down on a table and making sure his guitar is properly tuned. "let's cut them."

michael and ashton look at each other and then at luke. the frontman shrugs and his friends tell the tour manager that they will cut babylon and flatline.

-

all of the musicians have separate rooms in the hotels. even luke and lucy. she'd insisted it'd be easier. luke hated it. and he didn't expect her to show up at his room, unannounced, with a frown on her forehead and breathing hard.

"you cut our song," she steps inside the white room with the white walls, white bed and white comforter. looking at luke, the woman crosses her arms.

"we had to," he simply states. as if he wasn't the one greenlighting the whole thing.

"you could've told me, though. i was looking stupid next to the stage, waiting for you to introduce me. and it never happened."

"is that all that matters to you? how you look in front of other people? we had to cut two songs, lucy. the surprise's gonna be even bigger in the next show. fans will appreciate that."

lucy twists her lips and walks straight past him towards the door. "you're an asshole," she says before closing it behind her.

-

the beginning of the flight to boston is awkward. the whole twelve -the bands and the crew- can sense the tension inside the plane. it stems from luke and lucy, obviously. when did everything get so uneasy?

twenty minutes into the duration of the flight, though, luke slides into the seat next to his girlfriend. she doesn't look at him.

"i should've told you."

"yeah, you should've."

her heart beats faster as he places a hand on her cheek, guiding her eyes towards his own. he looks inside the brown hues and decides he can't keep hurting her. but she hurt him first. he wants to grow up and let it go. it's proving to be harder than he thought. maturity hasn't caught up to him easily yet. "i'm sorry." she closes her eyes and luke leans in to kiss her. "i'm sorry," he repeats.

a hand on his wrist, lucy is sad. looking into his eyes makes her sad. "it's okay," she finally says.

-

"and now we've got a pretty special surprise for you," michael grins into the microphone as the whole venue screams. "it's time to invite lucy huerta back on stage!" he shouts with a smile.

luke thinks lucy looks so fucking edible in those tight pants and that see-through top. her smile is big as she waves to the audience and settles on the center of the stage, where luke usually is. he gets another microphone from one of the roadies before ashton counts to four with his hi-hat.

should've seen me like a year ago, year ago/i was someone you don't even know, even know/dark times kept me all alone, all alone/you were shining like a heart of gold, heart of gold

he steals glances at her as she smiles into the crowd that’s going wild, her acoustic guitar hanging from her shoulders. 

luke was depressed after the divorce, staying home and drinking himself to sleep. then he got his shit together (half of it at least), went to the studio and worked through his issues by writing songs. when he met lucy, luke thought she was the most wonderful person on the planet. she had the kindest heart and was an overall joy to have around. he sings the pre-chorus and is taken aback by her strong voice as she takes over the song with her playing and her singing.

ooh, i'm falling for the first time/heart is gonna flatline/now i can't even look at you/you're like staring at the sunshine, burning into my mind/now i can't even look at you

and she doesn't. she doesn't look at him as she sings, unlike rehearsals when they couldn't stop singing to each other. it breaks his heart, considering it's their song. he wrote this for her.

"thank you!" lucy shouts and then leaves the stage waving everybody goodbye.

-

after the show, luke showed up to her hotel room. the bands were out clubbing and when he heard lucy wasn’t gonna join them, he immediately took an uber back to where they were staying. 

“let me in, please,” he says after knocking on her door three times. when she finally appears, she’s wearing a towel around her body and another one around her hair. she looks tired. “can i come in?”

without saying a word, lucy steps aside and luke walks into her room. she closes the door behind her and approaches him. 

“talk to me,” he basically begs. reading her mind is like an unsolvable sudoku, the man can’t get his head around it. “I love you.”

“i love you, too,” she whispers, looking down at his messy converse sneakers. 

luke quickly grabs her face and kisses her. it’s passionate and arousing and she can feel herself melting under his touch. she knows they should actually talk about it, instead of making out and falling on the bed, her towels discarded somewhere on the floor. she can’t help it. they’re both sex addicts. lucy rips his thin black shirt open and kisses down his chest, leaving his skin wet with the droplets that run down her hair. his breathing grows heavier and his pants grow tighter in the crotch area. he closes his eyes as she trails the kisses back up to his face. “take it off,” she pleads and sits next to him. luke quickly reincorporates himself to toss his shirt, his slacks and his underwear out of the way. he’s big and pulsating and lucy swallows hard, he turns her on so much. 

when the last item of clothing hits the floor, one of his shoes, the man licks his upper lip and straddles her body, hovering over her. “you really want me, huh?” his smirk is cocky, as if he’s forgotten everything about these past few days. it’s like nothing ever happened and they’re still in their love bubble. she so desperately wants to go back to it, so she nods and wraps her arms around his neck, bringing him to her lips as she parts her legs. luke hooks an elbow on her knee and spreads her wider, watching her folds throb for him. so slick and ready. he kisses her once more before carefully dropping her leg onto the bed. “condom,” he says. “i need to fuck you now.”

lucy reaches out to the bag she keeps on the nightstand. eyeliner, pills and condoms. she hands him one and it doesn’t take long before his cock is ready. luke smirks and kisses her, lining himself against her entrance with one hand, he takes a deep breath and penetrates her.

her gasp shouldn’t come as a surprise, given that it’s the same sound every time, not at all used to having him being so big and thick yet, even after all these months. she closes her eyes and bites her lower lip as luke runs a hand through his damp curls, letting her adjust to his size. he groans as he feels her walls engulfing him. “i want you so much,” he offers a low moan and starts picking up the pace of his thrusts. bringing one of her legs over his shoulder, the man reaches a deeper spot that makes her moan out. 

“fuck,” she pants as the bed bounces underneath their bodies. luke’s strength and determination to fuck her stupid works. her eyes roll to the back and she digs her short nails into his naked back. “more,” she begs and is immediately met with a hand around her throat. “more,” her plead is inaudible as she feels like she can’t breathe from the pleasure.

luke’s pupils are dilated in a way she’s never seen before. he tightens her grip around her throat and around her leg. gulping down at the sight of his girl falling apart under him, he tries to restrain louder moans but how can he? how can he fuck her quietly when she looks and feels so fucking good? “say you’re mine,” he orders. “say you’re mine.”

-

the morning sun shines through the window and rests its light on lucy’s face. She scrunches her nose and opens her eyes. she’s lying on luke’s chest, they’re both naked. he doesn’t seem to notice her shifting. the woman looks up at him, wondering when things got so complicated. she loves him. she truly loves him. he’s the first man she’s ever loved, in a real way, not a platonic crush way. the fact that he makes her laugh and his skills when making music and also in bed are extraordinary. he’s a sensitive soul and it’s such a wonder when he lowers down the walls he builds up around people. letting them in but not all the way. not in the way he does with her. or did. “why can’t you trust me with your thoughts anymore?” lucy wonders in a soft whisper before pressing a kiss to his sternum and getting up. she goes to the bathroom and takes a shower. when she opens the door that leads to the bedroom, luke is up and scrolling through his phone. “hi,” she smiles softly. her boyfriend’s hair is a mess and there’s still sleep inside his eyes. 

“hey,” the man smiles back, putting his phone away. “flight’s at 6. you wanna do something today?”

lucy leans against the frame of the bathroom door. she crosses her arms in front of her chest and thinks for a moment while twisting her lips. “what do you have in mind?”

-

they both go down in the elevator, not touching, and it’s killing them. when they reach the hotel’s diner, they find calum and ashton sitting at one of the tables, drinking orange juice and eating bagels.

“you guys had fun last night,” calum smirks as the couple sits down with a plate of waffles and two cups of coffee.

lucy blushes and luke has to stop every inch of his urgent body to wrap an arm around her shoulders. “shut up,” they both say in unison. there’s a soft smile on their faces.

after michael drops by to have a quick breakfast and then leaves to facetime his wife and his baby daughter, the rest of them decide that it would be cool to go out and explore the city. so they do that. they go to a park and sit around, smoking and drinking warm water because of the summer heat upon them. a couple of fans stumble across them and ask for pictures. they stay for around ten minutes before leaving off to continue their day, the musicians keep on enjoying the sun and the fresh air. if you ignore calum and lucy’s cigarettes, that is.

they go to lunch at a nearby restaurant and order pasta salads. lucy looks over at luke across the table, he’s laughing at one of ashton’s jokes and she sighs almost imperceptibly, looking down at her empty plate. there’s a single ravioli and two tomato slices on it. she looks up when she feels a foot against her ankle and sees luke smiling softly at her.

they can’t help but fuck in the restaurant’s bathroom. locked into a single stall, she drops to her knees and sucks him off. luke pins her against the door and buries his head on her neck to muffle the sounds when he slides into her. she’s got a leg wrapped around his waist and she swallows hard to hush the sounds she wants to make.

when they reach back the table, they find that ashton and calum have deserted them, leaving them with the bill. “assholes,” she says and luke laughs.

-

Seen out: Luke Hemmings and Lucía Huerta have an off day in Boston

The pair walked out of the Intercontinental Hotel with Ashton Irwin (5SOS’ drummer) and Calum Hood (5SOS’ bassist). They were seen by fans at Fenway Park and they took pictures with them. Luke looks tired in the photos, but he seems happy. He wears roughed-up sneakers and a white tank top. Lucy wears short denim shorts and a black top with flowy sleeves. The fans that tagged them in the Instagram posts spoke about how nice they were and how exciting it was to meet them. Hemmings and Huerta were both seen leaving Tenderoni’s Fenway restaurant and getting into an Uber. According to inside sources, the pair haven’t been able to keep their hands off each other during this tour so far. We hope it stays that way.

-

“fuck,” lucy’s frustration about the latest hollywood gossip blog post seems to go unnoticed on the plane. but luke can tell, and he wraps an arm around her the minute they both sit down. “they know. they seem to know,” she hands him her phone so he can read the writing piece. she hates it. she hates it so much. “inside sources can suck my dick.” this statement makes luke giggle. “what’s so funny?” she asks, annoyed.

“nothing.”

-

the next cities go by in a time whirlwind. lucy’s been distant since the article and it breaks luke’s heart. she refused to hold his hand and kiss him outside hotel rooms. even concerts’ backstages.

a few months after they met, they attended a house party in santa monica. the sparks between them were something everybody noticed, but they didn’t seem to think much of it. they’re rockstars, they’re the same age, of course they’re gonna flirt. luke fucked her in the spare bedroom, door locked. she gasped when she felt his cock for the first time, knowing he’d just made her addicted to it. he’d ruined every other man for her.

“we should head back downstairs.”

“i wanna stay here with you.”

“luke.” his name was rough against her lips as she hooked her bra back on.

“alright, i’m up.”

looking back, that should’ve been a red flag for him, but he chose to ignore it. because she made him feel good and he didn’t want her to leave him for somebody else. he didn’t want to be left again. he’d loved his ex-wife, and it was hard to get over her after she cheated on him. lucy had never been in a relationship, just random hookups, a friend with benefits and two weeks of winter love. she feared intimacy and luke could tell after the second time they had sex. spend the night, he’d said. lucy shook her head and told him she needed to get up early in the morning for an interview, which was a lie.

-

by the time the first month rolls around, they’re barely talking. It’s all sex and pretending onstage. pretending to have fun, pretending that they’re not hurt. their hearts break in silence. well, sort of.

“i told you not to fuck it up.”

“she won’t let me in. she won’t talk to me about it.”

“fix it.”

-

someone just like you, no one else/lights will guide you so, run like hell

the screaming fans can’t get enough of the energy onstage. michael jumping around, calum throwing his head back to expose his neck to the crowd, ashton beasting out on the drums. luke crouches in front of the crowd with a wide smile and lucy plays guitar while she sings her heart out. the lights radiate orange and red colors on the stage, the bass resonates in their bodies and there’s so much adrenaline going on that she has a moment of weakness. she looks over at luke, who has walked over to michael’s side of the stage as he sings the second verse. he wears a silver shirt that makes his shoulders look so spectacularly broad. she looks at him a little too long and when the camera pans over to her, showing her true feelings on the giant screen, fans seem to lose it even more. luke walks back to her and sings directly into her eyes, as if he can feel his way back to his girl. finally. a sad smile appears on her face for a split second before she starts dancing while playing the post-chorus instrumental outro. her long wavy hair hides her face and no one notices a single tear rolling down her cheek. when the song ends, she pretends to be emotional about the crowd, about how much they seem to love the show. which she is very grateful for. but on the other side of the coin, she just fucked up everything for herself. her career. and it’s clear when luke approaches her with a reassuring smile and one fan screams KISS! KISS! and then the whole venue is yelling the same word over and over again. michael and calum look at each other, ashton wipes off the sweat from his forehead and when the chanting doesn’t seem to stop, he grabs his mic. 

“alright, alright. calm your asses down,” the drummer laughs and the crowd follows suit. a distraction. he starts talking about how they recorded the song and thanking lucy for putting on a fantastic show with them for the beautiful souls in the audience.

lucy twists her lips, trying not to break down in front of thousands of people. so, she just waves and quickly exits the stage. luke takes a deep breath. he wants to run after her, make sure she’s okay. but she would never forgive him for giving the fans more reasons to speculate about their relationship. 

-

lucy cries backstage, alone. she takes off her makeup and sees dark circles underneath her eyes. why the fuck is she such a mess? why can’t she be in love like a normal person?

-

the show ends and the first person to knock on her dressing room is, obviously, luke. “are you okay?” he opens the door and sees his girlfriend lying on the sofa, sleeping. her makeup’s off and he can better appreciate the freckles on her nose that she gets in the summer. he stays with her, sitting on the chair in front of the mirror. the man looks at her as she wrinkles her nose in her sleep. he loves her so much. but what if this it? what if this is the end for them? 

michael opens the door, “what’s going on? is she okay?”

“she’s okay,” luke smiles weakly. “she’s sleeping.” 

lucy holds a pillow to her chest. she’s covered by luke’s jacket. michael decides he should probably leave them alone. “good luck, man,” he says as he pats luke’s shoulder, then he leaves the door closed after stepping back out.

luke could really use a joint right now. all these thoughts and feelings. wondering what she may be dreaming. or what she does with her days when they’re not together. he hates being so possessive, it makes him feel like a child. but how can you blame him?

“good luck with what?” lucy’s yawn startles him. she rubs one eye open.

michael meant well, but he also wanted to protect luke from heartbreak. lucy’s given him that for months now. all the guys -at least in the bands- knew lucy has a bit of… issues. she believes in things to be too black or white, good or bad, yes or no. no space for grey areas in her life. and that’s frustrating to deal with, but luke had fallen in love because she was so intense and so hardheaded when it came to defending her values. He admired that about her. “I honestly have no idea,” he lies behind a chuckle, playing it off as usual band nonsense. “do you wanna go back to the hotel and sleep?”

she’s too tired to get into an argument about taking separate cars, so she just nods. “Yeah.”

-

when they get to the hotel room, luke tucks her in and pours her a glass of water that he leaves on her nightstand. he looks for ibuprofen in her small bag with pills and condoms and sets two next to the water. 

“i’m sorry for being such a bitch to you,” lucy says with her eyes closed, lying on her side. 

she looks so out of it. as if she’d just drank an entire bottle of vodka and then smoked weed. he feels bad. he never meant for her to feel like this when they got into a relationship. but touring always makes things hard. especially if you’re playing shows every night with the person you love. the man sighs and sits next to her. “don’t worry about me. get some sleep,” he whispers and kisses her temple.

before he can stand up, lucy grabs his arm. “can you stay with me? please.”

a soft smile sets on his lips. “of course.”

-

after landing in the next city, lucy calls her mom.

-

there are three knocks on his hotel room door. “luke?” her voice is soft. as if she’s embarrassed. she doesn’t want her mother’s words to haunt her. the man opens the door without his shirt. just sweatpants. he was probably gonna go to bed. she might as well ruin his night too. 

“hey.” there’s a small pause. “what’s up?” he steps aside so she can come in. the tv’s on in the background and there’s a tray with an empty plate and a glass of tequila, just resting on his nightstand. 

lucy nods her head and walks inside. “i wanna talk.”

“okay…”

“about us.”

-

Love Is All Around: It’s Insta-Official

Two months ago, the You Don’t Go To Parties Tour hit the stage. And last night, Lucía Huerta and Luke Hemmings provided some much-needed proof of their romance. “Ten months with you feel like a second. Magic. I love you.”

-

lucy sighs as she reads the article.

“are you okay?” luke asks her.

“yeah,” she replies. “just… scared, i guess.”

“it’s gonna be okay, love,” he kisses the top of her head and sits next to her on the sofa. “everything’s gonna be alright.” the dressing room is big and no one else is around. it’s noon.

tons of notifications have been hitting their phones for the past fourteen hours. some are mean comments, others are encouraging words from fans. either way, it makes lucy anxious. “do you wanna get high?” she asks her boyfriend. maybe weed isn’t the solution to every problem ever, but it helps. 

the man smiles. “sure,” he says.

they go to the private parking lot of the venue. luke rolls a joint while lucy smokes a cigarette. she flicks the ashes onto the concrete, fidgeting her fingers around the cancer stick. luke isn’t the biggest fan of her smoking. and she's been smoking more as the days go by. but he understands she’s going through a lot, so he says nothing. he gets a text from calum, wondering where he and his girlfriend are. we’re gonna have lunch, join us? but the blond dismisses the message and lights the joint. he takes two hits before handing it to lucy. she brings it immediately to her lips, the slightly spicy smoke going down her throat smoothly. 

it’s so easy to talk to each other. sometimes. but their words have been stunted lately. they don’t know what the other’s thinking. and yes, last night they had a good conversation. but now what? does everything go back to normal now? how? they both feel anxious around each other, and that’s never ever happened before. they both hate it.

“what do you…”

“do you ever…”

they open their mouths simultaneously, quickly chuckling at the awkwardness of their interaction. lucy nods her head, letting him know that he can finish his thought.

luke smiles. “i was gonna ask you if you ever feel like… like things are going so good between us and suddenly we get so quiet and you worry? is that… is that something you feel?”

lucy smiles back. “yeah,” she says. “i don’t really know how to explain it. i mean, i love you. you know i really fucking love you, luke. but sometimes i worry we get too inside our heads. because i think we’re really similar like that. and i… i wanna be someone you can count on…”

“i want that too,” he replies. she hands him back the joint and he smokes some more.

“and sometimes i worry i’m not that someone you deserve,” she finally confesses.

it makes him sad to hear her say that, because there’s no better person for him than her. no one has made him feel this way before. the ups and downs seem to be heightened and it’s a beautiful way to live, he doesn’t want anyone else. there’s only room in his heart for this woman. this is the hardest he’s ever fallen in love, and he can’t imagine his life without her. a bit dramatic, but hey, that’s just who he is. “i don’t deserve anyone, lucy. i just want to be with you,” he says and takes her hand, intertwining his fingers with hers. “all the time. every single fucking day.”

the woman looks down at their hands. matching red nail polish and silver-colored rings. this is scary. it’s scary to love and need someone so much that you feel like you’d die if they ever left you. please, don’t leave me. ever. lucy sighs and squeezes his hand in hers. “right back at ya,” she smiles softly and looks up to find his baby blues staring at her with so much love in them that she can’t help the weakness she feels in her knees.

the silence is barely uncomfortable anymore. unlike the ones they’ve been experiencing for countless weeks now. it’s all out in the open. their love for each other burning brighter than ever. neither want this moment to end. and since there’s only one way to stop time, they lean into each other and kiss. it’s soft at first, like a goodnight kiss. and it escalates quickly to an i-never-wanna-be-without-you one. she grabs fistfuls of his shirt, bringing him closer to her body. luke places both hands on her face as his tongue traces her bottom lip. their eyes are red and their hunger is raw.

-

they can’t get to his hotel room fast enough. fuck having lunch with friends, they need to satiate this urge so they can go on for the rest of the day. “i want you so bad,” she whines against his throat, leaving wet and sloppy kisses along his jawline. he’s already big and leaking with precum, grinding his hips against hers. unhooking her bra, luke immediately buries his head between her breasts and she whines again. those beautiful sounds he can’t get enough of.

“ride me, babe. i wanna see these titties bounce,” he whispers against her skin. hands gripping her hips. bulge so hard he feels like he’s gonna explode. they’re naked and he already has a condom wrapping his shaft. lucy bites her lower lip and lines him against her slit. he’s throbbing in her hand and that drives her insane. the moan he drags out as she strokes him is paradise. The filthiest love they’ve ever experienced. Both always wanting to fuck each other. It’s her waist, it’s his broad shoulders. The way they move on stage, wanting to look sexy for the other. 

lucy sinks into his cock and lets out a whine, “fuuck.” his thick size feels so good. luke grabs her ass and spreads her cheeks open so he can penetrate her better. 

“you like that?”

“yes.” her mouth hangs open and her eyes roll to the back of her head. luke has always thought of her as his pretty little pornstar. even before they started dating, the way she danced with him at the club. her back pressed to his body as his hands rested on her hips and stomach. both sweaty and a bit embarrassed when they went back to the booth with their friends. 

the woman, as per requested, starts bouncing on his cock. titties moving up and down. “fuck, girl.”

-

“is it better to feel this or feel nothing at all?”

ever since the news got out about their relationship, lucy’s been a mess. interviewers can be assholes. they suddenly stopped asking about her music, her achievements. all they wanted to know about was her clothes and her boyfriend. like everything she worked for just disappeared in the blink of an eye.

she lays on her side on the hotel bed after playing a festival in latin america. luke spoons her, holding her close to his body. he doesn’t know what to say. he’s surprised by the outcome. hadn’t expected people to diminish her work, to ignore she just played the 6 pm slot, which is a hard spot to get. you need a lot of people to stay for the whole set. and she’d killed it. 

“i don’t understand what happened,” luke sighs against her neck and squeezes her tighter. “i’m really sorry.”

lucy closes her eyes, feeling a bit less anxious with him. “it’s okay. the industry’s fucked up.”

“yeah,” he chuckles weakly. “it is.”

-

“so it’s true? you and luke are engaged?”

the questions about her relationship don’t seem to cease. even a year later. they go together to events and people seem to be more excited about them together than their work. it’s annoying, but what are you gonna do? “yeah, we are,” lucy smiles. “we’re also dropping a new song together next month.”

“ooh, tell us about it.”

lucy has become good at deflecting. luke taught her that. 

-

“how was the interview?” luke asks after he greets his fianceé with a kiss and hands her a cup of coffee from her favorite shop.

“it was alright,” lucy shrugs. it’s definitely been a learning experience, dodging questions about her personal life. but luke has been so supportive and sweet throughout the whole thing. she’s grateful to marry her man in six months. “how was the recording session?” she asks as she sips the hot beverage.

the blond had written things throughout the tour. enough things to make an ep. “it was good,” he smiles softly.

-

the song luke and lucy release is a hit. a 90s-inspired track with her raspy vocals and his whiny ones make for an interesting texture that captures hearts everywhere. they play it on several shows, the crowds go insane every time.

a month later, lucy releases her second album. it's a hit. she's invited to play festivals and there are rumors of a grammy nomination.

"here's to my girl," luke smiles as he raises a glass of wine in front of her and their friends. "she showed the world she's a powerhouse, an amazing songwriter and performer. she's the best thing that's ever happened to me and i'm so proud of you." his gaze sets on lucy, who's blushing like crazy and smiling like an idiot. "i really fucking love you."

"right back at ya," the woman grins and stands up from the table to kiss her man. everyone cheers.

the night goes by fast. the celebration turns into a party in luke and lucy's new place in west hollywood. but the couple soon disappears into their shared bedroom. fucking until the sun comes up and their friends leave.

luke pants as his orgasm washes over him. "fuck," he breathes out, collapsing next to her on their bed.

"yeah," lucy chuckles. her body is sweaty and she wraps an arm around his torso as she snuggles up to him. looking up at his face, the man's glistening. he's the most beautiful man. he's got the biggest heart and he's never been jealous or threatened by her successes. she appreciates that. "wanna eat me out?" lucy smirks, her leg now over his, her wet pussy making contact with his thigh and she grinds into him.

"give me a second," luke lets out a soft laugh. "you really wore me out. my pretty slutty angel." he strokes her hair, hand soon trailing down to her ass. a small slap to it that makes her bite down on her lip. "okay, come on. legs spread, i'm diving in," he grins.

she does what she's told. opening her legs so luke can attach his lips to her swollen clit and start licking her folds. so sloppy. so fucking nasty. lucy groans as her breath hitches. "you're so good."

he smirks against her entrance before exploring her walls with his tongue. so fucking skilled.

-

grammy nominations announcement. luke and lucy's song gets one for song of the year. her album gets one for album of the year. they're ecstatic. it's all happening.

#5sosficfest2024 #luke hemmings #luke hemming fic #luke hemming smut #i absolutely loved writing this and feeling *pain* #lmfaoo

[norabrice1701]

Twist My Heart - Ch. 1

Bradley “Rooster” Bradshaw x Jake “Hangman” Seresin

- A TG:M Twister AU -

Series Main List

Also on AO3

Ch. 1 Warnings: Language; discussion of canon character death

Bradley hates wintertime. Tornadic storm activity drops off to nothing. Winter cold roots in his bones no matter how warmly he dresses. Endless days pass behind a computer screen, blurring together until he’s on the brink of madness.

At least, that's what it feels like. Or maybe it’s just been another long ass day of his forecasting model still not compiling correctly. Objectively, in theory, Bradley's program works. He’s studied enough storms forming on Doppler and watched their evolution during his years of chasing, so something must still be off with the back-end code. Exhaling a long sigh, he swivels in his desk chair as he stares at the horrible tornadic behavior model that loops repeatedly on his computer screen.  

Scrubbing a hand over his face, he glances at his wristwatch – 10:27 PM. On a Saturday night. His mom’s voice echoes in his mind, and a familiar guilt creeps over him. Of course, he respects her concern. Of course, he doesn’t want her to worry – he’s just fine. He always has been. And of course, he’s not alone – he has plenty of friends. Besides, so long as mother nature keeps whipping up her violent delights, that’s all he’ll ever need.

The sky has always been his number one passion, his number one love. He still remembers the stories from his dad – how Goose’s eyes lit up and his voice warmed with the thrill of exhilaration when he recounted his tales of storm chasing. How he held Bradley in his arms, perched on a hip as they stood in the garage, explaining the cloud formations and tracking the storms' progress as they passed overhead.

Even when the record-breaking tornado outside El Reno, Oklahoma killed his dad, it had done nothing to diminish Bradley’s passion. If anything, it only strengthened his resolve – his determination to study the skies, to improve humanity’s understanding of tornadoes’ destructive patterns, to take up his dad’s charge to help save lives with better, accurate forecasting. And if his mother and godfather had conspired years ago to stop him… well, that’s a different story. One that Bradley doesn’t care to revisit now that everything's out in the open. Now that he’s on speaking terms with Maverick again (even working in the man’s lab), and that hatchet is well and truly buried.

It just leaves him counting down the days until spring storm season starts with nothing but this damn forecasting model taunting him.

The lab door’s hydraulic hinge gives a familiar hiss, cutting through Bradley’s thoughts and drawing his gaze across the large, workstation populated room. His mouth pinches to a thin line of annoyance and he just resists cursing his rotten luck as Hangman breezes in. 

The man looks good. Fuck, Hangman always looks good, even when soaked to the bone or exhausted from driving all night. His dimpled megawatt smile, tanned skin, and toned physique are ripped straight from a Hollywood magazine – and he knows it, too. It doesn’t help that he is actually good at his job, with a keen mind and razor-sharp instincts behind those grass-green eyes… but he doesn’t have to be such a cocky asshole about it.

Doesn’t have to be, but he always is.

Hangman’s gaze runs over Bradley’s seated form and a lazy grin teases his mouth. “Bradshaw,” his Texas drawl combines with his tone to make the name sound like an insult. “As I live and breathe.”

“Hangman,” he acknowledges with cool indifference. “You look… good.” It’s the truth as much as anything else. He hasn’t kept track of exactly how long Hangman’s been away from the lab on some research fellowship for the last three months, but he’s not surprised that the man would return just before spring storm season fires up.

“Well, I am good, Rooster.” Hangman tosses over his shoulder as he deposits his backpack on his spartan desktop. “I’m very good. In fact,” he flashes a sharp, self-indulgent grin and the light catches in his too-perfect dimples. “I am too good to be true.”

Three years ago, that comment would have earned an eye roll, but Bradley’s long since developed thick skin where Hangman is concerned. “How was Tennessee?”

“Well, I prefer Kentucky bourbon over Tennessee whiskey – but they’re developing some incredible data patterns. Up until the last 20 years, nobody went east of I-35 to chase tornadic activity.”

The map of central US states forms in Bradley’s mind, divided by the north-south artery of the interstate expressway that cuts through Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Iowa and Minnesota.

“But that’s changing,” Hangman continues, sitting in his desk chair as if testing the fit after being away so long. “Tornado concentrations in Dixie Alley - Tennessee, Kentucky, Alabama, Louisiana - have actually been higher than in Tornado Alley in recent years, and everyone’s trying to understand why. Not least of all so we can get a good jump on real estate prices to relocate the lab.”

This time Bradley does roll his eyes. “Mav won’t relocate the lab. He's not a big fan of Tulsa, but we’re in Tornado Alley for a reason.”

“Not according to what they’re saying.” Hangman swivels towards him with his trademark brand of mischievous intelligence gleaming in his eyes. “They say that the greatest concentration of damaging tornadoes is sliding southeast instead of staying in the Central Plains, and they’re trying to pin it on climate change.”

Bradley cocks his head in consideration. “Seems reasonable," he answers after a beat. "After all, the Gulf of Mexico is warming. The prevailing winds are pushing more moisture over the southeastern states, so the dry line shifts accordingly.”

“But that happens over centuries, not decades.” Hangman counters, folding his arms to rest behind his head. The unfairly tight fit of his Henley highlights the build of his biceps. “You know what else has also changed in the last 20 years?”

Bradley assumes it’s a rhetorical question but as the silence draws out, and Hangman raises his eyebrows in silent expectation, he sighs heavily. He tries to conjure an answer, waving a vague hand. “Too many things to count?”

Hangman snorts indignantly as he dips his head to glare under his brow. “You didn’t even try, Roo. Come on,” he says, shifting his hips and reaching in his pocket to produce his phone. “The prevalence of technology – phones, cameras, social media. Instant access to better storm prediction technology. Add to that the boom in storm spotting created by pop culture, and suddenly, any yahoo with a camera thinks they’re the next Bill Paxton.” He waves his black phone for emphasis. “That’s why it’s my theory that higher concentrations of tornadoes aren’t shifting east, just that the last 20 years have seen increased and better reporting of tornadoes in those states outside traditional Tornado Alley.”

A hint of amusement curls the corner of Bradley's mouth. “Well, that’s quite a theory.” He can't quite restrain the soft chuckle in his throat. “Is that what you did in Tennessee, then? Comb Facebook and Twitter and Instagram to build a correlation to reported tornadoes?”

“Privileged information, I’m afraid.” Hangman's shit-eating grin widens. “S’what you get for sitting around here all winter. In fact,” he sits up straighter, raising his hands to frame Bradley in view. “You’re right where I left you. If your pornstache was any more out of control, I’d think that you hadn’t moved at all.”

Indignation flares in Bradley’s chest and he draws a deep breath to squash it, squaring his jaw to measure his words. “Hangman, not all of us have to chase work nonstop around the country. Some of us can do just fine right here.”

That's also true as anything else. Hangman never sits still. He never lets things slide - he pokes, he prods, he pushes. It makes him a great, if irritating, scientist; but if he's not chasing storms in the plains, he's chasing lab work that keeps him on the move. Hell, for all his cocky attitude, Bradley's never known him to boast about anything that implies a connection to keep him in one place for too long. Not even any romantic or sexual conquest, let alone flaunting some gorgeous partner at company events.

Bradley watches Hangman's face freeze for the space of a breath before his expression sharpens. Suddenly, Hangman pushes to his feet with a telltale clench of his jaw as he threads around the workstation separating them. “Well, that’s just you, ain’t it, Rooster?” He says, approaching Bradley’s desk, leaning against the edge and crossing his arms against his chest. Bradley carefully tilts his head back to meet Hangman’s gaze head-on, refusing to be intimidated as the blonde continues. “You’re snug on that perch, waiting for just the right moment… that never comes.”

"You turned too soon," Mav shook his head, evaluating Bradley's performance as the vehicle GPS signals played out in relation to the tornado's position.

Bradley sighed. "If I'd stayed on that road, I would have missed it altogether."

"No, you would have been able to track it north," Mav replied, motioning back at the conference room TV screen showing the data replay of Bradley's last chase. "The twister's already made her turn and the rope on the ground was fully developed. You had everything you needed to know and still, you didn't get there in time."

Bradley ground his teeth. "I was right on target-" 

"Which is always ever-changing." Mav countered, sharp eyes scanning the room. "And that goes for all of you," he pointed a finger at the other chasers assembled around the table. "The numbers will only help you so much, but you can't rely solely on them… you can't think out there. If you think, it could cost you - you could be dead." 

Fire burned in Bradley's veins. Sharp, accusatory words clawed up his throat - is that what happened to my dad? Aren't you just a fucking hypocrite? - but he swallowed them down. He refused to give anybody else in the room the goddamn satisfaction of turning this debriefing into an episode of his personal family soap opera. 

Mav turned back to the screen as the video replayed, displaying the satellite proof of Bradley’s failure for everyone to see once again. “You were on path to intercept,” Mav said, again motioning at the animated GPS tracking signal of Bradley’s SUV. “But with those wind shears and the updraft angle of that twister,” he paused to point at the tornado symbol tracking northeast of Bradley’s position. “You were a minute too late.” 

“Mav,” Phoenix spoke up, cutting through the tension in the room. “He was the only one close enough.” 

“But it still wasn’t enough.” Mav shook his head, fixing Bradley with a hard stare. “You want to capture the data you need for your model, you’re going to have to get much closer than that.” 

Bradley worked a tight swallow down his throat. “We were on course. It was dead ahead.” 

Hangman tipped his head back against the conference chair. “You’re not driving fast enough," he interjected. "You don’t have a second to waste.” 

Bradley’s blood pressure ratcheted higher, teeth grinding together. He refused to dignify Hangman with a response, instead keeping his fury focused on his lousy excuse for a godfather at the front of the room. “It’s not the chase,” he said, steel in his voice. “It’s the chaser.” 

Fire blazed in Mav’s eyes as he hissed. “Exactly!” 

Silence deafened the conference room as Bradley’s heart stopped. The words pierced him straight through and tears stung his eyes but he refused to let any of them fall. His throat tightened as he held his ground. “There’s more than one way to read a storm and get close.” 

Hangman swiveled his head around. “You really don’t get it,” his sharp green eyes pinned Bradley in place, rubbing further salt in the wound. “I don’t mean to criticize - you’re conservative, that’s all. We’re up against the elements that none of us can always predict. Not even him.” He turned to nod towards Mav in reference to his point before turning back to Bradley as a smug - perhaps even pitying - smirk tugged at his lips. “That’s no time to be thinking about the past.” 

Bradley’s spine stiffened with indignation. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

Hangman settled back against the conference chair like a cat with a canary. “I can’t be the only one that knows that Mav used to chase with Rooster’s old man. Or that Mav was driving when his old man-”

Bradley's blood reached boiling point and he lunged across the table. His hands connected with the solid plane of Hangman's chest - and despite the restraining hands of his teammates, the cacophony of voices around him, and Mav's incessant demands to calm down - those damnable green eyes held his all the while, burning straight to the core of Bradley's being. 

The memory still burns two years later, and while Bradley's put his past with Mav to rest, he's never been able to heal the wound that Jake Seresin rubs raw. On reflex, Bradley's jaw tightens and his gaze narrows. He's learned to swallow the urge to punch a few of Hangman's too-white teeth from his too-perfect mouth, but the fire that blazes in his eyes should be enough of a warning for Hangman to stand down. 

Unfortunately, those sharp green eyes study his face in relentless pursuit, searching for a crack, for any opening to press his advantage. But then the calculating assessment abruptly ends, and an obnoxious smirk brightens Hangman’s face instead. “So," he says with a jovial tone. "How is that dangerous behavior prediction model coming along, hmm? Figured out yet how to tell if an EF2 tornado will behave more like an EF1 or EF3?” He turns his head to stare at the computer, and Bradly can’t move fast enough to minimize the software screen.

Red and green particles still swirl in their chaotic spirals, but there’s no sense to be made of it. Bradley tries not to think of it as failure – scientific discovery is often marked by what the answer isn’t versus what the answer is, and he’s just on his own journey… but it still stings when a man like Hangman studies his progress.

A man with cunning instincts that never fail when the heat of chase bears down. A man with the uncanny ability to outmaneuver the storm as quickly as it develops – to drive, to position, to take the shot without hesitation. In truth, Hangman’s photography is just as beautiful as he is. 

The torturous truth has gnawed at Bradley for years now. And in the lingering silence, he chews his bottom lip to distract from it as he stares at the computer model. It doesn't help that he can almost hear the red and green particles laughing at him, taunting him.

A hum pitches low in Hangman’s throat before he turns back towards Bradley. “Looks like you still have some work to do. Is that why you’re here so late on a Saturday? All work and no play, hmm?”

Bradley arches an unimpressed brow. “And is this the part where you say that you’re all play and offer to loosen me up?”

“Only if you insist.” Hangman darts a sly look from under his brow. “It’s all about consent, you know.”

"Then, I consent to you getting your ass off my desk.”

Hangman's shoulders move with a breathy, quiet chuckle before he leans in as if to impart a secret even though there’s no one else in the lab. Hints of his intoxicating, subtle, day-worn cologne reach Bradley’s nose. “Just don’t pretend that you don’t like watching it go.” Hangman says, winking with a devastating edge as he stands and walks back to his desk.

Bradley resolutely refuses to look, but he doesn’t miss the extra sashay in Hangman’s hips. 

Series Main List

Tag List: @redfurrycat

#jake seresin #jake hangman seresin #bradley rooster bradshaw #bradley bradshaw #hangster #bradley bradshaw x jake seresin #hangman x rooster #top gun maverick #top gun maverick au #top gun fanfiction #twister au #twister 1996 #glen powell #miles teller

[kerubimcrepin]

Episodes 27-29 - Ecaflip City (part 1)

I am forever fascinated by the portrayals of ecaflip spirituality we get in this show. Like, home shrines, milk altar offerings...

Kerubim's body language and inflections are very interesting here: he's a bit unsure of himself, but so enthusiastic about telling Joris.

You can just tell that this story means a lot to him.

My new headcanon is that he stopped living in Bonta with her (like he probably had in episodes 50 and 26) because the house is hers, and that made him feel inadequate.

I joked about Kerubim cheating on her while searching for Ecaflip city to propose to her, during past episodes where he is depicted as searching for the city, but it could be that finding it has always been his goal, and wanting to marry her is a whole new quest that ties into this?

But also — she was already his fiancée in the last episode, and it didn't exactly stop him from making questionable decisions.

This moment allows some new insight into Kerubim's thoughts on himself: while he may act cool, he really does feel undeserving of love. Probably a mix of Lou's being very mean (but I really doubt that she would be mean enough to say this) and his shitty self-esteem.

He really does have just... 30-50 different complexes, ranging from "my nasty personality makes everyone leave anyway" to "I'm poor and don't have a home" to "I'm not manly enough".

I want to like... Put him in a blender and mix in some anxiety medication, maybe. Perhaps that would help.

This question will be asked later by the show itself, but, is he really doing this for Lou, or is he doing this for himself?

I don't mean this in a "he's selfish" way, I mean this in a "he doesn't think he's good enough as he is... that's very sad" way.

Instead of gambling, he should have been a shopkeep from the get-go.

He's like a redditor that got into stock trading: a tragedy in the making.

If Kerubim isn't lying, — and I had sworn to take everything in this show at face value unless suggested otherwise by the narration — this moment may show us that it is true, that his other attempts at finding Ecaflip city were before he decided to marry her, and really committed to it.

You see, in episode 50, which, as we established, happens before Ecaflip City, he says that they stopped lying to each other after that story — which wouldn't entirely fit with him still flirting with girls and betraying her trust, while searching for the city.

But if those searches happened before, and he decided to continue them due to wanting to marry Lou? That would mean that he's changed for the better. At least a little bit.

She likes his dirty jokes. I don't have much to say, other than that this moment makes me sad. They were so cute together...

The menu seems to say "URM", but it's very stylized, so I am not sure.

Besides Kerubim being so addicted to gambling that it's ruining his personality and speech patterns, and also him probably being blasted with Ecaflip's luck buffs to the point of having prophetic fucking visions, — I think also points to Kerubim being lethally addicted to making people he likes happy, to the point of not seeing when it makes them uncomfortable.

He'll agree to do things with his loved ones — only to change plans later, when he realizes he's actually busy.

He'll go on a random, useless quest, to do something insane for love, and it'll just make things worse.

He'll be reassuring people that everything is going to be okay, when the thing they actually need is an acknowledgement of how bad things are. Et cetera, et cetera.

He has serious issues with understanding other people's emotions, and gets blind-sided when people he loves get mad at him for what he thought was the best course of action. (Totally not me foreshadowing what happens between him and Joris in the movie. Haha.)

I feel bad for him.

[gestures vaguely at all the times we've seen him shitfaced drunk in the series, and the horrid decisions this has led him to] [gestures vaguely to him constantly gambling and losing stuff, like, y'know, in the previous episode]

uhhh. All I can offer as commentary to this moment is this funnypost I made a while back on my main blog.

Keke you are so fucked, but you've been fucked for like, decades before this, so you are now mega-fucked. It's just over.

I'm,. so normal and sane and not sad about this.

Again, for all her faults, she really loved him, the way he is (even if sometimes he annoyed her, even if sometimes she used his weak spots to make him do things). I'm so fucking sad it didn't work out.

I just keep mentioning the fact that they both suck because I want to be fair to the two of them. What happened in Ecaflip city, despite her flaws, was Kerubim's personal failing.

...God. They're so special to me.

Guys, um... I don't think God Ecaflip likes to see Kerubim being happy and on good terms with people who aren't him.

Man. That evil fucking cat...

This here, folks, is why my deepest conspiracy theory is that Ecaflip is the reason Kerubim and Atcham lost their family.

He's evil enough to ruin a marriage in this episode, and Wheel of Destiny #8 does imply that Ecaflip was manipulating Kerubim to dislike Atcham (with his, y'know, threats of being able to make him "just as disliked and ugly" as Atcham. Normal father/god behaviour. Totally not the reason Kerubim is so scared of people disliking him. Haha.)

So what stops him from y'know, maybe, perhaps, killing their family a little bit?

Krosmoz is already inspired by Greek mythology. Evil god behaviour is just par for the course, y'know?

One may say: "Well, Ecaflip does these things to Kerubim to test him and his moral compass."

And I answer: I think it's very cruel to test the moral compass of a person, after knowingly breaking said person's moral compass with decades of mind games.

#ep27-29 #ro liveblogs dofus #dofus #wakfu #krosmoz #kerubim crepin

[wickedlittleoz]

ragnarok netflix spoilers under the cut i really need to vent ashahshahdg

from the little i've seen i assume everyone is on the same boat but i'm so??? disappointed???? like it feels like s3 was made by an entirely different team, and i'm not ignoring how the pandemic affected production and all that, but from laurits being pretty much irrelevant through the entirety of the last season, to the weird narrator voice-overs that were never part of the aesthetic of the show, to signy just. existing now, to everything being pretty much just a psychotic episode,

what the actual fuck???

i guess it kinda explains why turid was so, uh, complacent with magne's behavior, but at the same time it doesn't? if someone in your care has problems telling reality from imagination, maybe pay some fucking attention to them and help?

also were they like trying to hint at it since that time in season, i wanna say, 2? when a nurse i think said hey magne might be going through it, and we all thought they just don't get it, and moved on? because we all thought they just don't get it, and moved the fuck on!!! i don't even remember much of the scene it just exists vaguely in my head because of the flashbacks magne kept having when wotan gave him fucking drugs,

ALSO, ON THAT NOTE, if it was. all. just. happening in his head. what were a bunch of adults (wenche, wotan, harry, harry's friend the nurse that helped them "forge" "the hammer", fuck it even jens he doesn't go to school so he's at least 18) not only hanging out with kids, but also enabling? his psychosis?? i get playing along so as not to scare them away, but magne wasn't their problem. they didn't have to play along, the kid had a family. he was turid's responsibility. what the fuck.

and what the fuck do we make of stuff that he wasn't supposed to know about, but we got to watch anyways. what do we make of the jutul family dinamic. what do we make of the time laurits spent by the fjord "raising" "little o". what do we make of iman seducing ran to get better grades (relatable, but gross). what do we make of fjor and the lady from the company (also fucking gross he's a kid). what do we make of everything

and goodness me, i just do not think a group of kids that went through so much crap and fighting and break-ups and hatred and family crap, would just. sit together and drink and laugh like nothing happened. with wotan of all people as chaperone. teenagers are brutal. i'm 27 and there's still people from back in high school that i don't talk to because we had a stupid fight and no one even remembers what the stupid reason was we just hold our stupid grudges because the teenager in us tells us to

like the war never really happening (what do we make of that meet-up, then?) was underwhelming enough but the finale was just icing on the poop cake. there was so much hype and 2 whole years waiting for them to pull the "it was just a dream" ending but worse. my heart breaks because the first season was going places. it had so much potential. s2 was a little slow but understandably so -- if they moved too fast there would be no excuse for another season, the war would just have to happen,

and then,

it never did 🤡

#wicked little rants #ragnarok netflix #spoilers

[noodyl-blasstal]

Sweet

TAZ Bingo for @taznovembercelebration

Taako [16:43]

Cha'boy's cha'boyfriend now. Don’t be weird about it.

Lucretia [14:56]

Hello Barry, if anyone says anything you think is unusual just be cool, Lucretia

Krav [13:11]

Hi Barry,

Just so you are aware, I have made a semi-public announcement that we’re dating. I’ll explain later.

Have a good day,

Kravitz.

Maggie [11:27]

Barry!!! I’m your boyfriend! But in a friend way. Just don’t tell anyone that. Don’t worry about it.

Barry stared at his phone for a full minute. He’d left them unattended for 8 hours, and he was now dating three of his friends? He wasn’t sure the university would give him a plus 3 to events. Barry flicked through the messages again, did he actually want to engage with this? Maybe if he ignored it, it would go away…

_____________________________

LuLu [17:19]

YOU’RE DATING BARRY??????????????????

[17:19]

BARRY I’VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH FOR FIVE YEARS, BARRY???

[17:20]

I know you said it would be easy to ask him out, but this is a sick way to prove your point.

[17:20]

What the actual fuck, Ko?

[17:20]

You’ve been dating 3 months??? And I had to hear it from Ren?

[17:21]

I thought we told each other everything.

Taako’s phone had been buzzing persistently, but he had been expecting a series of weird emojis from Krav, not this.

Obviously Taako was perfect. Obviously Taako never made any mistakes or missteps or did anything wrong. But this one time, just this one singular time, he might have very slightly fucked up.

Taako [17:23]

Pick up your phone, Lupita, Taako can explain.

“This had better be good.” Lup’s voice was verging on hysterical, and to be honest, fair.

“His ex is in town.”

“The bad ex?” Lup asked.

“The bad ex.” Taako nodded solemnly.

“And she was talking about how he was still single and no one else could ever want him…”

“Uh huh.” Lup said.

“…And she said she thought he’d be single forever because he was pathetic and unlovable.” Taako added.

Lup growled.

“Exactly! What else was I supposed to do?” Taako was fairly sure this was getting off the hook material. Everyone hated Lydia, they couldn’t be held responsible for their actions when she was involved.

“No, yeah, that’s totally fair.” Lup nodded, then grinned.

“Congratulations, I guess.” Said Lup, who sounded a lot less angry at Taako and a lot more angry at Lydia. Perfect.

“She’s unbelievable. He broke up with her!”

“Right?” Taako settled in, bitching about Lydia was one of his favourite sports.

“… and she wasn’t with anyone other than her dickhead brother either. It’s not like she’s come back with a fiance.”

_________________________________

“Thanks for meeting me Barry.” Kravitz passed Barry the cup of coffee he’d bought for him, paused awkwardly, then wrapped his arm round his waist and walked him to the outdoor table - may as well be seen together. Kravitz pulled Barry’s chair out for him and smiled fondly as he sat down.

Barry took a large swig of his coffee, and raised his eyebrows.

“This is lovely and all, Krav, but what’s going on?”

“Lydia’s in town.” Kravitz replied.

Barry winced.

“Oh.”

“She was being mean.”

“Well, that is on brand.” Barry replied, huffing a laugh.

“She was being mean about you.” Kravitz stressed, surely Barry would understand why he had to do this.

“That’s not new, bud. At least she wasn’t being mean to me, if anything, it’s an improvement.” Barry’s mouth quirked up at the edges, amused by his own joke. He wasn’t taking this seriously for some reason?

“She said she thought you were still single.” Surely he’d get it now.

“That no one would date you.”

“I am, and no one is dating me.” Barry replied, then muttered.

“No matter how much I wish they would.”

“Well, fun news.” Kravitz said, then added some jazz hands for showmanship.

Barry raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah, gonna need slightly more explanation than that, bud.”

“Look, she was being horrible, and I hate her, Barry. I hate her so much. She was mean to you, and she was mean to us, and then three years ago she fucked off and it was wonderful. I didn’t want her to think that you were pining for her or anything, so I said we were dating. We’ve been together for the last few months, by the way. You asked me out at the library. I cried because I was so happy.” Kravitz should probably stop speaking now. Barry’s face was doing a lot of things and not quite settling on an expression.

The spay of coffee was unexpected. To be fair, Kravitz should probably have waited until Barry had finished drinking to start the last ramble.

“Fuck, sorry bud!” Barry choked through his laughter.

“That’s just, huh. That’s, it’s really sweet of you.” He cough-laughed some more, and shoved some napkins at Kravitz.

“Unnecessary. But sweet.”

Kravitz mopped ineffectually at his suit. Thankfully the black hid stains well… not that anyone had to know that. Kravitz definitely wore black for goth purposes and not practicality.

“I had some weird texts from Magnus, Lucretia, and Taako too…” Barry trailed off.

“Oh gods.” He put his head in his hands and guaffed.

“She’s going to think we’re a polycule. This is brilliant.” He wheezed.

Kravitz offered his cup in cheers, Barry tapped his cardboard against it and took a much more successful sip. There we go. Kravitz had definitely made a good choice here.

#TAZ Nc #TAZ November Celebration #Sometimes you have a really stupid idea and you have to run with it #Platonic fake dating #There's no enemy like a friend's evil ex #No one gets to be mean to Barry and then come back and be more mean about Barry #Noodyl Writes #Taz Fic #Taz Balance #Barry Bluejeans

[hils79]

Hils Watches The King's Avatar - Ep 27

Aww Baozi gets to sit this game out now that they have more players. At least he has one of his boyfriends to keep him company

I still think the terms of this game are stupid given that it's entirely voluntary

I am genuinely mad because this whole game was unnecessary beyond Sun Xiang wanting to stroke his own ego and Ye Xiu saying 'well, we've have to play against them eventually'. This was a showcase match which has now relegated them because idek why. I do not understand why Ye Xiu agreed to it under these terms. Was he so sure they were going to win?

Oh no why would you just assume you were going to win. Especially when your place in the league was on the line.

Oh thank god someone texted and the team didn't just walk back to that.

And, look, okay. They've won every game up until this point so obv they had to lose at least one to make it realistic. I'm just annoyed that the game they lost was one they didn't actually need to play.

Uh, what?

I'm a bit confused about the timescale of this. When she was talking to Mo Fan she said her dad died years ago but she and everything around her in the flashback looks the same as it is now. Like, that is clearly a modern laptop.

Look at these good sweet boys trying to cheer up their manager. But, also, how come no one has texted them to say that actually they won.

God he always has to say something. Remind me to talk about his hair some time. I have Thoughts and Opinions.

The kitty has found a kitty.

Oh my god that is not how you hold a cat. But aww he asked the kitty for advice

Oh my god is Wei Chen going to get a tattoo???

My son is...singing?? Holy shit look at him I've never seen him this relaxed and happy

Is that a fucking Peppa Pig tattoo???

LMAO it's fake!

I love her

Aww everyone went out to relax after the game and no one invited Baozi

Feeling absolutely fine and normal about this

Getting everyone to anonymously say who they think was responsible for the near-loss is going to backfire massively. They all have self-esteem issues (except maybe Baozi) so they'll all just blame themselves

I'm not going to screenshot everyone but, yep, they all blamed themselves except Mo Fan who didn't write anything down I think because he assumed everyone else would blame him

I...they...*gestures helplessly at the screen*...IN YE XIU'S BEDROOM

Lowkey mad that you can't see that Baozi is sleeping with his head on Yifan's legs. MY OT3 ARE IN A CUDDLE PILE PLEASE SEND HELP

Oh my god are they in dorms now? THE BUNK BEDS! Of course Baozi and Luo Ji are in one and Wei Chen and Ye Xiu are in another one #boyfriends

Yifan in his boyfriends' bedroom where he belongs. Even if he is trying to wake them up and make them work out with him. Yifan, I love you, but no.

Mood

Well, my son had to have one flaw and that flaw is that he is a chipper morning person. I'm with literally everyone else. Like I have to get up at 6am for work but no one had better try and talk to me until I get to the office at 8am

LOL Yifan and Luo Ji are eating breakfast, Ye Xiu has fallen asleep at the table, Wei Chen is congratulating himself on finding them a house and everyone else has left

#hils watches #hils watches the king's avatar #hils watches cdramas #the king's avatar #cdrama

[yearofradicalselfbelief]

Part Three [Moving the Goalposts] - 21/11/23

CW: mentions of anxiety and depression.

Long time no see! Flufftober kept me, uh, occupied (aka manic and frenzied) and then November followed and has, so far, completely knocked me off my feet in a lovely haze of depression. But it’s slowly giving way now, and I’m able to contemplate the future with thoughts that aren’t limited to “oh, no” so it seemed a good time to write this.

I’m moving the goalposts of this Year of Radical Self-Belief, with that in mind. All in all, 2023 has been pretty good to me – although I haven’t done as much as I would like with it, in part because I completely underestimated how much healing I would have to do in the aftermath of the years that preceded it. As of June this year, I’d only been in my new city for one year, and once the dust had settled and I actually came to view my new city as home, it turned out to be the first quiet year I’ve had in…well, ever. And my brain had no idea how to cope with that.

That’s the thing about being herded from one disaster to another year, after year, after year, after year. When things do settle down, it’s very easy (and reasonable) to mistake it for just another calm before the storm. I spent the months following my moving here – which included a very close family member becoming very sick, and thankfully making a good recovery – pretty much scared to exhale, because I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s only now that I’m slowly beginning to trust that things might actually be okay for a while. It’s only now that I actually feel like I’m waking up, and not just sleepwalking my way through things as I wait for the next disaster to hit.

Going into this year, I had a lot of high hopes for myself – namely that I’d be querying the novel by now. I am not. Usually I’m very hard on myself for stuff like this, but right now I refuse to be that way. Because it’s understandable. I needed more time to breathe than I initially recognised, and if I didn’t allow myself that, I’d be in terrible shape. Once the dust did first settle here, in the period when I was determined not to trust it, I was having bad panic attacks on the weekly, out of nowhere. It infuriated me, too, because everything was fine, right? I wasn’t homeless anymore, I actually had a bedroom, my living situation was far less toxic than it had once been, and I loved my new city miles more than I ever particularly liked my old one.

But that was the problem. I could afford to feel it. So then I did, and I couldn’t stop feeling it for a good long while…not least because I was so fucking angry at myself for feeling it at all. Now? Now I’m doing better. Calmer. Well, as calm as I personally ever get. So I’m not angry at myself for spending a year actually healing and breathing and enjoying the peace where I could get it, rather than hurtling myself towards the next thing – especially at a time where I don’t think I could have taken the inevitable rite of passage that query rejections are.

On Saturday the 25th November, I’ll turn 27. My own personal new year. Usually birthdays really get to me, too, because I always meet them in this absolute panic over the fact that I’m not yet where I want to be in life, but this time around I feel fine about it. Hopeful, even. So I’m taking that as a good sign, and I’m calling this the beginning of the Year of Radical Self-Belief. I’m not saying I don’t think depression will bowl me over again between then and 28, but that gut feeling just tells me it’s better this way.

The first couple of months were good – I did a lot of writing, a hell of a lot of reading, focused on my physical health, and just finally began to feel like a human being again. It was a good prologue. But this new beginning is a neater starting point, and I just have a good feeling about 27. 9 has always been my lucky number. I’m 27 this year, which comes to nine, my brother will turn 36 the following week, and there are nine years between us. Superstitious, sure, but still.

I also have actual concrete plans this time around, too, beyond “do better” – which are as follows:

A conscious step back from Instagram.

I’d say “social media”, but honestly I use Facebook twice a year at most anyway, and Tumblr doesn’t have the same negative impact on my mental wellbeing that IG does, so that’s the one that has to be focused on. At the minute, I tend to disappear for a couple of months, return until it well and truly wrecks my head, and then repeat the process. I want to find something that’s a happy medium between the two, so I don’t feel like I’m constantly playing catch-up with the pals of which that’s my main source of communication, but also that I’m not repeatedly having to resort to completely ignoring it for the sake of my brain.

Which ties in neatly with the next part.

No longer posting about novel progress on IG.

This one is a weird gut instinct thing. It’s not that anybody has ever made me wish I hadn’t posted about it – in fact, the people cheering me on over there have been absolute stars, and the beta readers have eased a lot of my fears about it. It’s closer to being done than it ever has been (although it's not exactly within arm’s reach just yet), and I feel like I just need a big ol’ chunk of time where I don’t post about it, don’t talk about it, and where I just keep it to myself and get it finished. It just feels right, and who am I to argue with that?

Plus, I’ve been talking about it for so damn long now that folk are probably sick to the back teeth of hearing about it. If people ask, I’m more than happy to chat about it, but it just won’t be the focus of my posts over there until it’s done.

Making myself do something I enjoy once a month.

I don’t mean this from a standpoint of “read a nice book” or “eat some ice cream”, but like properly making a day of “taking myself on a date” once per month. I hate that phrasing, but it’s the easiest way to explain it. I’m anxious (both socially and in general), and I also go through low bouts, and when they all hit together I find myself only venturing out of the house to do the things I absolutely have to, in terms of errands etc, and it’s just not good. It fosters the sort of agoraphobia I developed as a student because of some stalking incidents (never live in Wembley, folks), although these days when it does crop up here and there it’s less rooted in anxiety and more in depression, and it’s just something I need to keep an eye on. I enjoy writing, and I enjoy hiding away and reading shitloads of books, but I need to remind myself that it’s not the only thing out there.

This will be the most difficult one, but it’ll also be the most rewarding one, I think.

So yes! I’m sorry for the radio silence, and I’m sorry for the false starts, but I haven’t abandoned this thing! Thank you guys for your interest, and for your loveliness. I feel like 27 is going to be a good’un – so I’m going to see to it that it is. Whether it likes it or not.

[regulus-blacks-lover]

regulus-blacks-lover prompt list

Just finished the last few requests for previous prompt lists, moving forward I'll be using this list. I pulled inspiration from a few different posts, but mostly I referenced this compilation made by linwritesif, pulling the prompts I was interested in writing for.

Send 1-3 prompts per request please! I'm interested to see what people mix and match. I mainly write Marauders era, but am open to writing Golden Trio era characters as well.

Prompts I have filled will be linked to the fics I wrote for them. You can find links to all my work on my masterlist.

ANGST 1 "please, just tell me you're okay." 2 "go! run! get out of here!" 3 "get behind me." 4 "stay here." 5 "hey. no, no, no. stay with me, just a little longer. you'll be okay." 6 "i'm so sorry i couldn't save you." 7 "i'm not ready to lose you." 8 "you were dead. i watched you die." 9 "i love you, but you're not mine." 10 "i'm sorry, have we met?" 11 "it was all i had left of them." 12 "please don't make me do this." 13 "because i care about you, okay??" 14 "i can't help you." 15 "you can't help me." 16 "you can't protect any of them." 17 "it's too late for me." 18 "i will kill you if i have to." 19 "you ruin everything you touch." 20 "just go do as you're told, like you always do." 21 "why would i believe you, after everything you've done?" 22 "whatever this is, it's over." 23 "i don't miss you like i thought i would." 24 "i know i fucked up. i know i did, but don’t shut me out anymore. let me in. please, let me in." 25 "i'm not what you think i am." 26 "i guess i never really knew you." 27 "you had your chance." 28 "you're nothing to me." 29 "it should have been you." 30 “why didn’t you kill me when you had the chance?" / “you know why.” 31 "just do this one thing for me and i promise you'll never have to see me again." 32 "i wouldn't do that if i were you." 33 "i didn't know where else to go." 34 "you deserve better than me." 35 "close your eyes, you don't need to see this." 36 "you were the one good thing left in the world." 37 "going home isn't an option anymore."

FLUFF/COMFORT 38 "i won't give up on you." 39 "of course i came back for you." 40 "i'll keep you safe." 41 "don't be afraid, it's just me." 42 "i don't think i've ever seen you cry before…" 43 "i'm right here. right here with you." 44 "my door is always open to you." 45 "don’t worry about it, i was already awake." 46 "you were crying in your sleep… you wanna talk about it?" 47 "i broke the lock. you were screaming." 48 "let me stay, please? i can make you breakfast in the morning." 49 "i just came to make sure you're okay." 50 "please don't leave me alone." 51 "it wasn't your fault." 52 "i knew you'd feel guilty; you do understand that i'd take a thousand wounds if it meant keeping you safe, don't you?" 53 "why are you really here? to mock me?” / “no. none of that. i came to be a friend, because it really looks like you need one right now.” 54 “i wish i never acted the way i did towards you. i’m sorry.” / “i know.” 55 "it's my job to keep you safe, yes, but you could work with me a little to make it easier?" 56 "no one is meant to be all alone. that’s not how humans are built. you don’t need to do all this on your own." 57 "you don’t deserve the bad things that happen to you. you never did." 58 "you're the best person i know." 59 "you’re a good person. good people deserve to be safe." 60 "don't say that about yourself." 61 "making you laugh is the best feeling in the world." 62 "let's just stay here. grow old together." 63 "we're not at war anymore, you can come home now."

SMUT 64 “you know, you’re really hot when you’re angry.” 65 "listen, i’ve wanted to get you in bed since you first smiled at me, but we don’t have to do this unless you’re sure." 66 "i love it when you moan my name." 67 "let me give you a reason to stay in bed." 68 "can i help you out of that?" 69 "oh, i see what’s happening here. you’re bored. you want a little attention, huh?" 70 "what's the matter? you look a little flustered." 71 "you don't have to be so gentle with me." 72 "i just didn’t like the way they were looking at you. like you weren’t mine." 73 "we're in public, you know." 74 "if you don't stop teasing me like that, i'm gonna end up bending you over the couch and taking you right here."   75 "come on, i think you have one more for me." 76 "will you be good for me tonight, or do you plan to be disobedient?" 77 "if you don't stop trying to touch me, i'll tie you down." 78 "aw, you can be louder than that, can't you?" 79 "if you want to come, you'd better beg." 80 "i'd probably still adore you with your hands around my neck." 81 "can you feel what you're doing to me?" 82 "do you want [insert character] to join us?" 83 "more, please, i need more." 84 "stand still. keep this book balanced on your head. if it falls we start again." 85 "you stopped counting. start again from one, and this time no crying." 86 "did i say you could speed up? fuck me slowly or i’ll make you stop completely."

SCENARIOS 87 you and your friend are learning how to dance and are frequently paired up. the close proximity is really doing something to you 88 you’re clasping my necklace for me as i look into a mirror and woah, have you always been that hot? you’re behind me and your breath’s warm on my neck… 89 you looked miserable so i asked you for a dance and we’ve been dancing ever since 90 you’re so beautiful you infuriate me but our parents want us to dance 91 someone’s been giving me strange looks all night, will you pretend you're with me to get them off my back? 92 you're my arch nemesis but we have embarrassingly good sex 93 we shared a drunk kiss at a party and now i'm trying to figure out if it meant anything more than that 94 i think you're falling for my best friend and it's killing me 95 i know you always loved me when we were younger… am i too late to return the feeling? 96 i'm trying to memorize every line of your face in case this is the last time i ever see you. no matter what happens, i'll remember you 97 you accidentally fell asleep so i tucked you in 98 we bump into each other in a place neither of us is really supposed to be 99 your mail got mixed up with mine and now i'm wearing the sweater someone sent you for christmas 100 we find ourselves unexpectedly caught in a storm… want to share my umbrella as we rush inside?

#prompt list #marauders #harry potter

[creaturebehavior]

I understand things now that i was trying to figure out when i was 24.

like why do i no longer care to help people? why am more selfish now than ever before? why do i want to say no to everybody? am i a bad person?

i understand now that i am burnt out. after my childhood where i was forced to parent my father and some of the relationships i’ve been in, especially my most recent one where i was forced to parent my abusive boyfriend and i had only just gotten out of that relationship at 23 and still was all screwed up about it until pretty recently

i understand myself and i forgive myself for not having it in me anymore to take care of anyone. i clearly am struggling just to take care of myself

i have very little room left in my life to concern myself with others problems. and i realize i’m a hypocrite as i tend to burden other people with my needs and i don’t know how to take care of myself properly, although i try to do this as little as possible i just don’t know how to be independent and support myself completely

that part i am still trying to process and navigate and growth through and hopefully grow out of

i realize black and white thinking is unhealthy and i realize it’s a part of my untreated disorder to think that way. and i also forgive myself for thinking that way. the trauma from my life shaped my brain to think that way automatically in order to try and keep me safe.

after saying yes to adam and to my dad too many times all i can say to people now a lot of the time is no. and i’m still learning how to say no, so sometimes no comes after some hesitation and sometimes has be reiterated as i waffle while someone tries to persuade me to do something and i go well maybe and then i go no and they go are you sure? and i go well… i’m yeah i’m sure. and they go you’re really sure? and i have to say yes i’m sure i meant to say no. I’m at least getting better at this.

To me, i do feel very much like a toddler who just learned the word no and learned that i have autonomy. wow i didn’t even realize i felt that way until now. i feel like i have to say no to everyone and to everything because i am learning about my autonomy, i’m learning where and what my boundaries even are, i’m learning i’m allowed to use the word, and i’m learning how to use the word. but with layers of 27 years of trauma overtop of that so it feels like. i am so tired. like i’m just learning to say no, but i’m so fucking exhausted. i’m not saying “no” so much out of curiosity around setting boundaries as i am saying “no” out of desperation for a break. although i’m sure an element of the former is true for me as well because boundaries are so new for me still, 6 years into hearing about what a boundary even is as concept, 3 years into beginning to feel i grasp the concept of boundaries as well as the concept and occasional practice of how to set and hold them, and i am still just getting used to setting and holding boundaries and understanding boundaries as concept although i’m much further along than ever before there still is a huge element of “the unknown” around boundary setting and holding which remains probably a tinge of curiosity around what’s going to happen whenever i set/hold s boundary

wow speaking of being burnt out, this post just burnt me out and i don’t think i even got to my point or completed my thought

language is so hard for me recently. putting every word in order and choosing words that would make coherent sense takes up so much of my brain energy jfc

#processing

[olehswift]

[ Donald J. Trump ], phenomena of humans' nature is that, as I said, each of them doesn't believe that he will ever die, before the moment they die. I am not kidding when I say that I was killing people even before current events. I looked in their eyes till the moment life abandoned them, and I saw that they couldn't believe that it will happen, till the very moment of death. Usually they start to feel real panic just few seconds before it happens. Truth is that every fucking idiot who dies every day is unstoppable. Just think--when I kill people because they irritated me beyond of what I am willing to tolerate--why it happens? Because they are unstoppable. For the same reason there are people on the floor above me--making those noises at night, receiving signals wither from their supervisors, or watching my smartphones themselves. Why exactly--because to create a good plan or to think a good thought, you need to stop sometimes. And when they see me doing something, then stopping--they start irritating me. To stimulate me to move further. You know all those people who instantly appear to ask you why you, suddenly, stopped reacting to them, getting inside of your own thoughts, and then they start distracting you saying something that is not important? Look at me, look at me. [ Taylor Swift ]*, mine, always looks only at me--[ Oleh Swift White Horodnitskii ]. But they don't want me to create another good plan, they want me to have my thoughts on a shallow level. They have no idea how my mind operates, because they are simple people. Did you know that we can operate over our subconsciousness directly, I mean, consciously, and that's one of the reasons they never can tell that I am doing something purposefully, when I am doing it? As with me on a picture with Green Forest, that was intended to remind both Style and Out Of The Woods (And was for +1--shift in my id, that is required to derive surname of my wife, as it was before she married me--Swift. Now that's surname of us both--one of surnames) Why actually emperors need so long names, [ Donald J. Trump ]? For example events in Las Vegas, so called 19. Just look--how I can claim it. Not using numbers--using long series of events, via many ways beyond numbers. But via numbers too. But, look, time is important because even when you are not limited in time, still--wasting your time on something unpleasant--as when proving peasants something that was you proved already (While not even having such obligation, they are not even grateful for discovering everything that I opened in the process) For example I could spend that time with my wife [ Taylor Swift ]* So, just think, it would be much simpler if I had additional name 'Nineteenth'--then I would just say it and peasants would shut up. Why that's better than whole chain of events with ratatata and Hangover, Hurt, Hurt + DS for 27, all that I explained to them about how I developed it and why Las Vegas was (Actually it was not exactly next, but those people don't know about events in 2016) after Blue Whale F57. People can't get it. Can't get what I said about Lakes, Not Moving (27 again) (As Red) and Count To Six and Die. They can't understand it, even though exactly those events (Not only, I derived everything through setting Year Zero to 2017 and 2007--recall it, in my deleted account. I derived it through numbers too) [ Donald J. Trump ], but if I had Nineteenth in my name, I would just throw it to peasants. Saving my time. You know, I already told you that I love laying my open palm at vagina of my wife [ Taylor Swift ]*. I just love it, I can be sitting like that, looking into her eyes (There is no reference to what I said about looking into eyes of people till the moment they die.), and having my hand there, then kissing her. I just like spending time like that. Would you be surprised if I told you, [ Donald J. Trump ], that I would spend time rather like that I described right above, instead of, for example, deriving anything? Well, I tell you that. If you love your wife--you should understand why. So. Now we have board. [ Donald J. Trump ], now we can play chess or checkers on a board of ourselves, we only lack chessmen with our faces We really should create them if after those events we still will be allies (If we will be allies, we are quite close to it.) Donald, if I will conduct 43, and you understand what I mean, you will get your 'golden ticket', as for now

----- There are 16 geminis on that picture

Each gemini is like 2

So there are 32 people ...here, in glory of my wife [ @taylorswift​ ]*. Taylor, I love you. ...here

#...here

[nriacc]

okay here’s my chapter reactions, i spent 4 days reading and i could never dream of what i was gonna get.

Hello new chapter i’m delusional and hopeful, very nice to meet you.

1. ohh happy birthday nriacc!! hope you can collapse my veins with beautiful alex and wheels and george content….

2. MOVED IN WITH GEORGE FOR A WBYLE OH GOD GEORGE 😭😭

3. oh damnnn matty and alex peace love and friendship era has ended

4. george calling her baby and complimenting the paintings i’m weak and on my knees for him

5. HES WANTS TO ASK HER OUT OMG / WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT DATING GEORGE TEAM LETS RALLY OUT TROOP I THINK IT COULD HAPPEN

6. okay but if bestie is there…could alex…also…be…there….

7. no stop please no talk of alex it hurts that didn’t happen he didn’t say anything he showed up to the date and everything went good and they’re happy and official now okay

8. ALEX IS THERE 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 and not calling her angel WHY. hold it together don’t cry girl i feel you.

9. oh matty :(

10. Al / Alex / Shakespeare / Darling / Or whatever you fancy calling me this week x crying 😭

11. IS SHE GONNA KISS HIM FOR NEW YEARS

12. okay fine it’s fine they have to start as friends again and it needs time that fine that fine

13. matty brought gingerbread houses that’s cute. bestie behavior i hope

14. oh. oh. girl no get out of 2012, 2012 has been over for a long time. well. they’re kissing over there. Team matty can laugh, team Alex can only chuckle.

15. from your angel on alexs birthday gift oh man

16. oh matt

17. Alexs beard is gone

18. oh yes he has nice hands, very nice indeed maybe he could do something with them in this very long long drive

19. okay he’s still not calling her angel

20. OIII NO FUCKING FIGHTING AT MY GIG OMGGGG i cant believe that made it in the fic

21. danny who’s danny

22. okay who was danny i need a memory refresh but if wheels is mas then i’m mad too but danny WHO???

23. OH DANNY ZUKO AS IN ALEX OH

24. oh please have angry make up sex

25. IS ANGRY SEX HAPPENING RIGHT NOW, WILL TEAM ALEX FINALLY HAVE THE CHANCE TO LAUGH IS THIS WHAT WEVE BEEN WAITING FOR

26. IS THIS HAPPENING IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING

27. HE CALLED HER ANGEL AND THIS IS HAPPENING

28. I USED TO DREAM OF TIMES LIKE THESE

I FUCKING LOVE EVERY ONE OF THESE REACTIONS HAHAHHAAH IM LIVING FOR THIS THANK YOU SO MUCH! 

1. Ahahahhaha I think I definitely succeeded in collapsing your veins with that content indeed ahhahaha

2. IMAGINE HOW NICE IT WOULD BE TO MOVE IN WITH GEORGEEE IM JEL OF HER

3. Defo gone out of the window that one

4. Honestly it makes me feel things I love him so much hahahaha

5. LEGIT I LOVE THEM SO MUCH TOGETHER IM DEFO DOING A GEORGE ENDING IT HAS TO HAPPEN

6. I love that you predicted this

7. Yessss thats what happened in my head too. nothing bad. only love and joy. 

8. of course he cameeeeee. SO SAD HE DIDN’T CALL HER ANGEL FOR SO LONG THOUGH BE RIGHT BACK SOBBING

9. Bless the poor boy

10. I love him so much I cannot

11. AHHHHHHHH I LOVE THAT YOU PREDICTED THIS TOO

12. yessss indeed

13. HAHHAH the bestie behaviour line made me snort but it is bestie behaviour we love them

14. AAHAHHAHHAHHA SCREAMINGGGGGG

15. she legit was trying her hardest to make him say it bless her

16. DICK

17. thank fuck his depression beard has gone

18. AHHAHAHHA I WAS GOING TO DO THIS BUT I THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE LATER ON BETTER IF IT ALL HAPPENED THEN

19. Do you understand why I had to make him wait to say it at the perfect moment ahahhaha

20. I HAD TO INCLUDE IT I WAS AT THE GIG HE SAID IT AT AND IT’S THE REASON I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. STILL CANT BELIEVE I LIVED THROUGH THAT ICONIC MOMENT TO BE HONEST

21/22/23. I AM LAUGHING IM SORRY

24. hehehehehe

25. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 

26. ITS HAPPENING

27. AHHHHHHHH YASSSSSSS ANGEL IS BACK AND MORE IS ON THE WAY

28. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DREAM ANYMORE BECAUSE ITS HAPPENING. PART 27 IS HAPPENING AND ITS GOING TO BE PURE AND UTTER FILTH!!!!!!!!

thank you very much for your reactions I love them so very much 

#nriacc ask #part 26 ask

[malamai]

Our little vacation was good but not what we expected.

We had such a good time but it was a very different experience to what we thought we were going to get. We booked at a sight that we thought had everything we would need on it. We arrived in the afternoon after a three and a half hour journey, we were starving so I had gone to the bar and restaurant and asked to see the menu so I could go take a picture of it and show the kids and lee what food they had to suddenly be told we had to book and that we couldn't just come eat there. The restaurant was not busy so I thought this was quite silly, so I was like "okaayyyy...." And asked if they do take out, the bar lady said yes as long as the restaurant was not busy and I could see it was not so we ended up getting take out, I had a look at the menu, it was extortionate! We were however VERY FUCKING HUNGRY so I thought it was fine as a one off, so I was about to start ordering and I am suddenly told "oh we've ran out of chips" to which I basically explain that we aren't really too fussed about the chips so the lady went and had a word with the chef and they did us a bit of a deal and a discount to have more chicken nuggets for Aura but no chips so it was all good if not better because I ended up getting charged £27 instead of the £54 of crazy price that it was going to cost, we were all going to be fed so nobody was going to be hangry and feral! 😂 so that was the first bizarre experience! I've never known a venue not jump at the chance to seat a family when they are not busy and can make quite a bit of money from, especially a venue in the arse end middle of nowhere and I've certainly never heard of a holiday park taking bookings for you to make use of facilities that you paid to be there and use.

Then there was another day where Aura had been asking about the pool, because she had seen kids going in and using odd times for short periods of time but there was no life guard or staff there so we didn't know if it was open or not. She ventured along to the recpetion and asked. AGAIN had to book a session. So I booked both her and Elijah in a 45 minute time slot to go. So I ventured off to the pool with them, another family is in at the same time and I am not joking the whole room where the pool was absolutely stank. It was a dirty, damp smell, there was no staff in the room so I couldn't again understand why a slot was needed, the kids hopped in and I sat and watched because I hadn't brought my swimming gear which at first I was disappointed at. Aura and Elijah started pulling faces of utter disgust and I walk over and you can literally see the discolouration of the pool and the particles in the water. The kids managed 10 minutes and hopped out, I don't blame them. I went from "aww I have no swimsuit" to "thank fuck I don't have my swimsuit".

The toilets on the site were a major pain because again, you couldn't just walk in and use them. When we arrived we were given door codes to type in on a bit of card and we quickly discovered that the codes did not work so that was about as fun as you can imagine, the doors would either be locked and you couldn't use them or held open with cones and you could use them. Amazing if you want to strengthen your pelvic flaw but not so good because you ended up desperate to pee.

We didn't let any of that bother us though, it was still a chilled time and it was a good time, we enjoyed leaving thr camp site but for a cheap holiday it ended up being very expensive, the food on site was ridiculous and the nearest town was Newton stewart, £15 worth of diesel down the Moor and through the forest so it was nuts! I don't think I would stay there again, it was too far out of the way and it was very overpriced. I am making an active point to not look at my bank account. 🥲

The highlights were family nights in the bar and venturing off to different locations, we took the kids to parks and we all chilled out, it was nice being surrounded by nature and beauty but the way the site was ran was crazy to me. In my opinion when you pay a fee to be somewhere you expect to use the facilities you've paid for, you expect toilets to be accessible for things to be clean and not crazy prices when you use these things. The cheap and cheerful holiday we had planned ended up being a far more expensive experience with inconveniences.

#mumblr #mom blog #parenting #momblr #mom blogger #parent #malamaii #malamai #cute kids #humblr

[or-something-better]

Sam’s Journal

October 24, 2022

((This is a Journal Entry that is a PART TWO from a Soulless Flashback that I did a while ago. I'm going to post the First Part here again, since some of you are new.... If you've been here and already seen it, just skip the first one.))

 ‘Sam Winchester journal entry #20  Soulless Flashback  Nov 2010

     ((27 years old – Season 6 between Episodes 6 & 7))

There were some smells that take you to places in your head, even if you didn’t want to go there. Sam never liked anything taking him anywhere unless it was where he wanted to originally go. The scent that wafted thickly under his nose was one that he could have gone another lifetime or five, without inhaling. He was all too familiar with death, in its many awful forms. He knew its scent could be stretched out and linger in the air until you were positive that it would never leave. This was one of those instances, pain and suffering clung to everything, the ground, inside and outside of the wrecked van. All of it was covered in body mass and painted more in blood than natural colors.

“What the unholy Hell happened here?”

It was a question that had been screaming through all of their minds from the second they’d come upon the scene, but it was Mark who spoke it out loud. No one could move. All were frozen in place, trying to understand what they were seeing.

Sam knew his eyes were not deceiving him and that the werewolves they’d been hunting had come through this way before them. As Hunters they had failed. This was all on them.

“A massacre…” Sam said.

Those were the first words that jumped into Sam’s mind to describe this shit. But, he thought, maybe slaughterhouse might be better.

“The problem is” he continued, “This is too close to civilian traffic, and we don’t have a whole lot of time to clean this up. We can’t let them find it this way.” And that was the problem. Werewolf kills were usually brutal, but most often singular in nature. This attack was, from the looks of it, an entire family… and it had been savage.

There was no way to separate the chaos, not even possible. Sam blew out a breath and walked straight into the mass of innards and mushy pieces of body parts. He glanced over his right shoulder at Christian, who was still standing there with a deer in the headlights look.

“Ya know, I always wondered what it would be like to make a ‘person’. Go all Frankenstein and all that kind of stuff.”

Christian found his words then. “Damn Sam, you really are fucking sick. I’m scared of what shit you think about in that head of yours.”

Sam wagged his brows and grinned.  “Maybe you should be… For now, let’s get this shit dealt with before somebody comes along and sees it. Grab the shovels and load up the messy parts. We can at least leave what law enforcement might use, so the relatives can be notified.”

There was no discussion. None of them wanted to be here. Who in their right mind would? Each of them worked without talking because there were no words that needed to be spoken. Christian and Mark hauled load after load to the pickup truck, shoveling it into bags while Sam sifted through remains looking for details and the larger body pieces. By the time he’d found all he was likely to, his cousins were done, not just physically but mentally as well. It was written all over their faces, Sam could feel it bleeding out their very pores.

“Look, why don’t you two head back to the Base. I’ll text Samuel the details and he can tell whoever he needs to, about the disposal. Just leave it to him.”

Neither of the Campbell cousins put up any kind of fight or protest at Sam’s words. This was a night that would leave lasting scars. There were so many pieces of kids dug out of that horrible mess. Senseless deaths, young lives wasted and ended in horrific ways all for the sake of a Monster’s dinner. Sam watched them walk away, waiting until they were safely inside the truck and backing out before he moved.

Sam blew out a loud breath, alright... let’s get this taken care of, he thought and headed back to the destruction. His nostrils felt burnt with the stench surrounding him and he crouched down, reaching out an arm and letting his fingertips slide over the bloody pavement. This had to be the bloodiest scene he’d ever witnessed.

After loading the larger body parts back into the van, he positioned them into an approximation of how they might have been riding. Then he squirted the van inside and ground around it with lighter fluid, he stepped back and tossed the lit book of matches. Flames sparked and danced to life before him. It truly was a thing of savage beauty, watching as the abundance of black and red mingled together until you didn’t know where one started and the other ended.

Sam kept his focus on how rapidly the van and ground were being swallowed up by the blaze. He strolled around it, almost doing his own kind of dance with the vicious firestorm. It licked and kissed its way up the walls, changing the outside van color to a brilliance that a paint job would never be able to replicate. It was eerily beautiful.

He kept it controlled to a point. Allowing his cousins to be safe enough away, so that when its gas tank blew up into an inferno, they would be nowhere close. Getting pulled over with a pickup truck full of bloody remains, would not be a good thing… nope, nope, no good at all.

Sam sighed and had no doubt that this night’s events would be haunting and filling up too much of his cousin’s time in the nights to come, and therefore his time by default. Sometimes he really just couldn’t understand their inability to ‘let things go’. But for now, while his time was still his own, he had better ideas.

With bottled holy water from the Charger’s trunk, he washed the blood from his hands and arms, then changed into a clean pair of spare clothes. Leaving the now completely engulfed auto, he drove to his favorite nighttime club and made his way to the private side entrance. Before he even reached the door, it was pulled open, and a familiar dark-haired face was staring back at him.

“Cruel of you to leave me alone for so long.” she teased.

A chuckle rolled out of him, and he stopped within touching distance, “I need a shower and that ass of yours bent over my lap… in that order.”

The door opened up fully and only two more words were said as Sam stepped inside and shut it firmly behind him.

“Yes, Sam.”

PART TWO

‘Sam Winchester journal entry #20  Soulless Flashback  Nov 2010

       ((27 years old – Season 6 between Episodes 6 & 7))

Sitting at my makeshift desk, I could hear the sounds of people waking up inside the compound earlier than usual and could feel my internal clock fighting against their decision. It was still a good two hours before sunrise. I mean seriously, like what the HELL? Just because I no longer needed shuteye, didn’t mean I didn’t need the mental down time.  But even as I berated myself with that basic question, I knew what the hell…

It had been Seventy-two hours since we’d found all those bodies, if you could call what was left of them that, and since then, we’d barely stopped to eat or catch some winks. That first night after the clean-up fire, I didn’t even bother coming back with the others. Instead, I stayed over at the club in my private rooms there. I preferred the distraction it gave me, and I knew if I came back, I wouldn’t rest anyway and for a few more hours, I had wanted to pretend that I didn’t have to go back out and hunt for the next Frankenstein scene. Minus the bringing everyone back to life part, of course.

But now, today, there was no more delaying shit. Each of us Hunters had a hand in this giant clusterfuck. Christian and Mark had been doing the foot patrol every night, all around that location, so I knew it hit them really hard. Samuel had tapped into some old connections and was hitting them up, while everyone else was filling in with whatever else was needed. There was just No Way this rabid Pack of Werewolves should have gotten by us.

“Yeah, tell that to those kids, asshole.” I muttered to myself as I stood up.

Stumbling into basecamp’s main room, I snagged a bottle of water from the fridge and then just dunked my head into the empty sink flipping the cold handle on. My eyes squeezed tight as the freezing water soaked into my hair and waterfalled around my face. No one even gave me a second look. Each of them had been unnaturally quiet since word had come down that the pack had been located. A small group had gone on ahead to the warehouse yesterday, and those of us left behind here were the clean-up crew.

The seasons were changing. I could feel it in the crisp air on my wet hair when I stepped outside. It didn’t alter what I wore, my running wardrobe was always the same. Sweats, T-shirt, hoodie and enough weapons for a half-dozen people. The sky above was clear, except for the millions of twinkling lights dotting across it. I couldn’t even remember the last time that I looked up. It was just another reminder on how I take the small things for granted since returning topside from the Pit.

It didn’t take long for me to cover the four miles to the abandoned warehouse district. There was next to no street lighting and the dark shadows from the unrealized sunrise were hanging thick around me. Many of the buildings still left standing, had either been taken over by meth heads, the homeless or used for nefarious reasons, a little like the one we’re all presently here for. I stayed in the dark, keeping close to the outlying area. There wasn’t much of a risk of the local authorities showing up out here. It was more likely that you’d be accosted by a tweaker than from someone to help you. I was passing by a row of decrepit semi containers when a few guys stumbled out of one and went right by me, without seeing me. I smirked, rolled my eyes at the disgust I truly had for some. Yeah, along with not noticing the little things, I also was becoming a judgmental dick, but that line of thinking was gone from my mind pretty much as soon as I thought about it.

I finally reached the last building; it was situated at least a few hundred feet away from the clutter of other structures. It was easy to tell that this one had been maintained more than the others. The first level windows had been replaced with boards and all entrance ways were closed up nice and tight. The place still looked as though stepping inside would grant you some kind of disease, but you could tell this one was meant for dealing and the handling of business.

I knocked three times on the metal door and a second later it was pulled open to give me entrance. I gave a solitary nod to Gwen and kept on walking. The inside was set up with a series of offices to the right that were utilized for a number of reasons and the majority of the square footage was taken up with various machines and conveyor belts that were actively being used for whatever scheme was going on. I was more intimately familiar with the underground rooms. There had never been a need for me to be involved in the inner workings of this shit storm. But there was a time that this place and a select few on the inside, were instrumental to me. Putting it bluntly, they had saved my ass.

“Sam, it’s about time you showed up, now we can get this party started.”

I shook my head and took hold of my cousin Christian’s offered hand, squeezing it as I leaned in close enough so only he heard my words. “What, not enough blood for you the last time?” I leaned away with my trademark smirk and the same evil glint I saw in my cousin’s eyes.

“As long as it’s Pack blood, this time gallons won’t even be enough.”

#HunterLife

 ((Part Three to Come…))