#i think i might have depression as a result of the stress i’m under

[thebeautifulfantastic]

my ninth-grade research paper on the science of stress, depression, and anxiety is really coming back to kick me in the butt right now

#i think i might have depression as a result of the stress i’m under #like. it’s just constant stress for me ALL THE TIME #i don’t really ever feel like i can relax & when i do sit down to read or something i feel like i should be doing more #i’m exhausted all the time too #and i didn’t really notice it but i’ve lost a lot of creative drive (i just chalked it up to being busy) #there are lots of other signs too #idk it could be other health problems as well but?? my mom has been making sure i eat healthy for a while so?? maybe i have an iron defici #deficiency #but anyway. stress definitely has something to do with it all #belle speaks

[drbased]

i’m kind of a baby radfem and im learning about being gender critical and i definitely agree with most of it, the only part that i have thoughts about is the nonbinary identity. i believe that a gender non conforming woman and a nonbinary woman can mean the same thing. in that, i believe that you can be a nonbinary *insert sex here* and it basically just means you’re gender nonconforming. and then it’s like well why do we need two different terms to mean the same thing and we definitely don’t, but i think it’s dangerous to conflate being nonbinary with being agender bc it’s not the same thing and it just makes gender rhetoric even more stupid & ridiculous lol. i’ve seen plenty of people identify as nonbinary and still identify with their sex-based gender. i also believe you can be female and see yourself as a woman and still use they/them or even he/him pronouns. what do u think??

(Bear with me on this, this is a long response but I hope you find it illuminating)

People regularly accuse radfems of being nazis/right wingers and I take those accusations incredibly seriously, and as I result I regularly take time to doubt my position. But the thing I keep coming back to is that:

There is no proof, and perhaps there cannot be proof, that gender exists: it is fundamentally metaphysical, spiritual, soul-like, a product of mind-body dualism, the belief that there is some nebulous internal sense of self that happens to share some labels with sex classification but also happens to completely subsume it in modern leftist discourse, despite that

Regardless of whether or not 'gender' is real, it does not form the basis of the male class oppression of women as a class, and the moment you engage with any feminist theory this fact becomes impossible to ignore. There is no true biological backing behind race and yet we are (in theory, anyway) comfortable with being able to identify and codify the oppressor and oppresses classes in that scenario; however, arguments from the mainstream left will vaguely gesture towards sex being 'fluid' as justification for the dissolution of classic feminist arguments. It's important to be suspicious of why this is and who might benefit from it;

To build on point one, due to the fact that gender has no material basis in the real world, the only 'signifiers' for it are ones that already exist as cultural schemas - and these are, naturally, taken from existing sex roles designed to uphold misogyny and, more broadly, patriachy itself. 'Gender fluid' people are at this point infamous for their tik toks of when they're male or female, and the way they demonstrate this is through short hair and comfortable clothes vs long hair and feminine styling.

Occam's razor + feminist analysis will inevitably point towards women 'identifying' with nonbinary, agender etc. simply being women who are uncomfortable with the misogynistic connotations of femaleness, and who naturally wish to disassociate from them. When you see things under that lens, you can immediately notice patterns of behaviour and language that signal the belief system they hold. To 'identify' as anything is fundamentally meaningless, and signals nothing to both yourself and others except perhaps language. As a person recovering from depression, I have been detaching myself from all rigid concepts of classifying myself and instead focussing much more on being who I am in the moment. It it much healthier to be this way (and a lot less stressful, too)

When we call ourselves 'women', this is nothing more a neutral description of our biology. And due to our status as an oppressed class, especially one based on our biology, it is of paramount importance that we retain language that succinctly names us as such. Dworkin states in Pornography that one of the powers that men have is the power of naming. We still live under patriarchy, and the language we use cannot be separated from male ideas and male thought. Men had, and have, no problem naming us as the oppressor class when it benefits them (especially in the case of prostitution and pornography), but as it has become less, let's say' popular to be seen as a man in recent years, we have seen an explosion of transgender rhetoric enter the popular consciousness. Without the ability to recognise ourselves as women, we lose statistics, we lose safe spaces away from the oppressor class, and we lose class consciousness.

As for using 'they/them' and 'he/they' pronouns - well, I'm a straight woman, but I'm aware that there is a certain lesbian tradition of using masculine pronouns. But that's in a very different context to what's being described here. I've already addressed language but let's put a laser-sighted focus on pronouns for a second:

As a culture, we default to 'he' pronouns for a reason. For a long time, we were 'mankind' and everything akin to humanity is given masculine pronouns. Cute little critters are assumed to be male, probably all your soft toys are male, the most basic of doodles are assumed to be male and only allowed to be female once they are given a dress. It should be no surprise that women who want to escape the shackles of femininity want to be called he/him - they want access to the percieved full humanity of men. Meanwhile, the only times we attribute she/her to things other than people are to things like cars, ships, and natural disasters (with the exception of mother nature, of course) - tools of warfare, accessories of masculinity, and symbols of 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'.

There is a study somewhere that shows that when you use 'they/them' as a neutral pronoun, people assume male - especially if you're referencing a prestige profession. If I were to say, I went to the doctor yesterday, they were great - you would automatically assume a male doctor. This is no accident - as already stated, maleness is the default. Women who want to use they/them are dissociating themselves from femaleness but in doing so they are accidentally using language that signifies maleness. This is why feminist analysis is so important, and why 'identifying' as something holds little water in the real world. In an ideal world, perhaps they/them could be genuinely seen as neutral - but we don't live in an ideal world; we live in a world where women are oppressed.

So to answer part of your question, no, I do not believe that 'nonbinary' and 'gender non-conforming' are the same thing; nonbinary is an attempt at classifying someone according to some nebulous, unprovable sense of internal identity that has no real material impact - and any attempt to 'express' this gender are simply taking existing sex roles and mashing them together. Gender nonconforming has a different meaning in radfem circles as it does in transgender ones - TRAs take it to mean that someone is indentifying with a different gender than they were 'assigned' at birth, but radfems simply use it to describe the physical act of being a woman (or man) who doesn't conform to expected sex roles. I am 'gnc' but that's just a neutral descriptor of my dress-sense - and it's a loose descriptor because in many ways I'm definitely not gnc in my behaviour, although I am working on my self-confidence, especially in contexts such as physical fitness and DIY. Gnc is useful shorthand for 'not conforming to sex roles in some major capacity enough to be noticeable by others' - and the only reason it's important, especially for women, is because femininity (our expected behaviour) is designed by the patriarchy to dissociate us from our bodies and keep us decorative, fragile, weak and sexually vulnerable to men.

#my writing #theory posting

[helpwerami]

Osomatsusan headcanons cause I’m bored

This is more on a take on them in a more psychological/meta pov on them.

Osomatsu

-He’s still irresponsible as the show states repetitively, but I think there’s a deep under layered of anger issues. Maybe feeling like he’s stuck being unemployed and can’t change his life, or feels like his feelings are put on the sidelines.

-oso secretly very stressed but hides it by playing it down. Being the oldest but not the most matured may be a result of him trying to get some control of himself or over small things.

-He acts sexist and pervs on girls on the regular. I like incorporating the old show to the new one, specifically we’re oso was a ballerina,and wore womens swimsuits. So I like to think he secretly wants to be more feminine and dress feminine, but fears the shame or backlash of his family. He Avoids and projects his wants and desires in a more “masculine” manner instead.

-The problem with him at the root of it all is that he doesn’t want to change. He’s comfortable, he’s unfamiliar to change. Therefore he sees change as a threat.

-Oso’s anger makes him go quiet and visibly irritated. Storming off out of the house for a few hours before coming right back.

-He’s an alcoholic,smokes,gambles,unemployed,lives with his parents guy. He doesn’t want to change.

Karamatsu

-The most confident in himself. His fashion is questionable ofc but it shows how willing he his to present himself. Albeit his made up persona of himself.

-Closeted. His brothers have made comments of his clothes looking gay and how he acts is gay as-well, but he can take that. He thinks if he actually comes out he thinks he’s giving more ammo for his brothers to put him down

-Kara is secretly the most matured. He uses his persona as a shield to deflect his brothers judgement. Later in more recent seasons you see him start to not use his persona less and less, and his brothers caught on it even,but when faced with the confrontation he gets aggravated and even intimidates his brothers when he gets mad.

-On a more positive note I would like to think he got his jacket from

-Kara’s more of a job hopper. Never keeping one and doing small gigs like street shows or helping Chibita with his business.

Choromatsu

-he tries to act better or more mature than he really is. Helps his mother with taxes and some small chores but he uses this to put himself on a higher horse in comparison to his brothers.

-wares a collared shirt under his hoodie kind of shit.

-he gets very defensive about very small things. Considered being more short tempered than the sophisticated role he tries to put up.

- he hides his love for anime and idols away from his brothers because he’s ashamed of himself for liking it. Although most already know because he buys copious amounts of merch and tickets for idol shows.

-though he does look after his brothers in a more keeping tabs sort of way than a mom would. Comment or would ask if they’d showered or brush their teeth that day then lecture them to do so. This does help some of them positively to keep somewhat of a schedule.

-I want to say he’d might want to work at a manga/anime shop or something, but I’d doubt it. he’d be too ashamed to work at one. He feels like degenerates or creeps work at manga stores. (Even though that’s verbatim what he is.) would maybe end up in a book/convince store ran by an old lady.

Ichimatsu

-he’s my favorite so take some of this with a grain of salt.

-he hides how he feels. His antisocial behavior and dislike of the general public is why he turned to cats.

-uses cats as a coping mechanism and hyper fixation. Shows some signs of being on the spectrum be he doesn’t want to know the diagnosis/ answer to what specifically he has. He feels like it’s searching for an excuse for the way he is. (Not in a ableist way but more in a learned helplessness way.)

-low hygiene. Either Smells like cat piss or just body odor. His depression not helping him at that, choro runs his mouth at him on the regular for this. But instead of picking up that he’s maybe depressed, he calls him lazy and gross for ‘sulking in his filth’.

- oso and ichi are more closer in a bond because of their similar nature. The only difference between them is that oso is more accepting and chill about his current state. While ichi is more pessimistic and hopeless in his. Giving each other nicknames to show there on good terms.

-gets small jobs at local restaurants. working at the back cleaning dishes and taking out the trash.

-looks after jyushi. Finding solace in his more cheerful enthusiastic nature to his pessimistic one.

Jyushimatsu

-autistic with adhd. dresses more for comfort than to present himself. Highly energetic with not much sense of social cues or sarcasm.

-he’s more of a good influence on the brothers by bringing them outside when he wants to go out, instead of being shut-ins. He helps them have more to do than gamble or drink.

-i like to think he’d have a long distance relationship with him and Homura. Like todo got him a Nokia so he wouldn’t break it and to call her now and then. It would give him some one positive to talk to and she’d have him to talk to.

-he likes to hang out with ichi on the regular. Help ichi get out of the house, and then go feed stray cats in ally’s.

-maybe he’d volunteer at daycare’s or babysit if he needed to work. Showing in some episodes that he’s good with kids.

Todomatsu

-The most put together. Has his job at a cafe in the city and usually has good luck when gambling on pachinko.

-Openly gay with his family. They weren’t too surprised and he wasn’t to scared about it either since he already dressed in more pink and flamboyant clothing,and having friends that are mostly girls.or fuck it he had friends period.

-The most social brother. He tried to bring some of his brothers to mixers but it didn’t end up too well. Either in their brothers getting them kicked out or in other times or his own exclusion.

-I feel like he could move out if he wanted he makes his own income to have a phone and can walk or take a bus to his job. Maybe own an apartment of some kind.

-this might also go hand in hand with the fact he’s scared to be alone. He’s never not been alone for so long that when he finally is, it scares him. It’s unfamiliar to him.

-in the episode were they all got tortured in hell we saw the demon read his dairy. It said he wanted to dress like a girl and be like a girl, then you see him almost cry from the embarrassment.

-I think he’s questioning in his gender,but is to scared to explore that part of himself yet.

I do feel like As much as they hate or irritate each other, a key reason they don’t move out minus the money or occupation, is that their all unconsciously codependent on each other. If they even wanted to move out, the thought/feeling of being alone is so out their comfort zone and unfamiliar they’d rather spend their lives with familiarity.

#osomatsu matsuno #osomatsusan #mr. osomatsu #osomatsu au #osomatsu san #karamatsu #choromatsu matsuno #choromatsu #karamatsu matsuno #ichimatsu matsuno #ichimatsu #jyushimatsu matsuno #jyushimatsu #jyushimura #todomatsu #todomatsu matsuno #osomatsu san headcanons #osomatsu headcanon

[mitskiesques]

Hey Nour! Can you do an MBTI analysis for Lilith Clawthorne, skrungliest of all

i sure can!! as i’ve mentioned before lilith is an istj (SiTeFiNe) which i kinda hate because it’s kind of the obvious answer which means most people get it right and i don’t get to be a woke pariah about it like katara being an infp etc. but anyway, lilith clawthorne is an istj if i ever saw one.

her go to reaction and the thing she leans on most is her introverted sensing. she has an inherent trust in established rules and institutions and systems in general from early on, not because of the establishment itself but because in her eyes, it has experience and it has a method that works. this ability to observe history comes natural to her, and she enjoys it. as for decision making, her Te is kind of... obvious, i guess. lilith is very organized and logical and always looks for tangible results.

her Fi is mostly visible as she leaves the emperor’s coven and realizes hey, this is a cult and it’s fucked up, but it took her a while to make the connection because she’s so focused on her primary function of Si and how to aid it with her Te, so on and so forth. she also tends to sabotage her own plans especially in s1 because her internal moral compass tells her what she’s doing is against her values despite the fact that she will get results like her Te asks of her. there’s the whole cursing eda situation which is a classic struggle between her Te and her Fi, and also lilith does prefer to get to know her own values and feelings by herself instead of looking for answers through connections on the outside (like,,,, eda,,,,,,) so absolutely no Fe in there.

something i find very interesting about lilith is her textbook Si-Fi loop, which basically means she gets so caught up in her Si (trust in the establishment) and her Fi (internal sense of morality) that she forgets to use her Te (general common sense) so she 1) fails to see or to admit where the system she dedicated her life to might be failing solely because she’s so afraid of change and spontaneity 2) goes through a sort of depressive episode, like when her mother visits or right after she leaves the emperor’s coven and wants to find a purpose as a witch or what have you and hooty has to step in and help her.

that last part also has to do with her Ne. being her inferior function her Ne tends to be a bit of a blindspot, so she doesn’t like change or spontaneity at all. she always looks for answers in the past (Si), rarely in the present and never in the future. this is also why she and eda clash so much (eda being a Ne dominant); it’s a thing about their personalities rather than anything else. sometimes however, lilith will act impulsively and spontaneously under certain level of stress, namely during separate tides i believe (first s2 ep?? correct me if i'm wrong). this is when she gives her Fi too much leverage without her Si instincts to intervene, and her go-to function for information gathering is Ne. that Fi-Ne combination makes her act sorta like luz (enfp); looking for a chance to explore and prove herself without a lot of basis on reality and without taking the real stakes into consideration. this ends up getting her in some trouble with some bees if i’m remembering things right and hooty has to step in and help her (like a dominant Fe king!!).

overall yeah that’s an istj. i don’t have any thoughts on her ennegram but i also haven’t taken the time to think about it bc. i don't want to lmao but i’m willing to listen to whoever’s got an opinion

#the owl house #n #asks #wandering-wondering-why #mbti #< might as well make a tag #also hiiiii its you again slash pos

[basketwound7]

A Baseball Party For Opening Day

Fade public teams and favourites using television. Could be normally a good quality idea to either avoid or fade public teams for instance the Yankees, Red Sox, Mets and Puppies. These organizations are often heavy favourites and you're less quite likely to make money on these life. As for TV games, the oddsmakers are aware of what games are nationally televised and they understand that most gamblers in order to root for the favourite! Could certainly bet how the favourite line and the over line will be inflated. An individual much payday cash advances sticking to dogs and unders in TV social games! I guess the answer to that runs deeper than hits, home runs, and hotdogs. Locate the real answer is that often baseball delivers something to my life I've found nowhere else: A a feeling of belonging. Belonging to a history, a tradition, a heritage that just stands test of time, but also makes time somehow unnecessary. Think about that it. This game has been played, basically the same way, since the commercial Revolution. Through world competitions. Through political upheavals. Through social unrest, and times of economic boom and dark depression. Less costly . served as both a focal point and a distraction for numerous several years. It's been a touchstone of yankee history, both reflecting and deflecting the stresses and influences working outside the ballpark. Achieving and maintaining success during this high of level for the long is much more than just talent, it's just a lifestyle determination. One step in the wrong direction mentally or physically, and rest assured you season is coming to close prior to the baseball season ends. The type of success discover that through complex is some thing of their daily mental and physical habits. Professionals know every single action produced will consequently have one of two results, build a good habit or build a bad bad habit. If you are not careful, achievable coast through every day decisions and miss opportunities to better yourself and your talent. Every day decisions affect you mood, your energy level, any kind of productive you are. If you make bad decisions off the baseball field, they certain to carry over on area. I'm sure you have seen tennis players bouncing the tennis ball up and down associated with their racket. Do this with a bat including a baseball. This really is a great hand, eye coordination look. 토토사이트 guarantee you won't be able to perform this at to start with. This drill will a person just how good, or bad, your hand, eye coordination definitely is. Now you will discover brands of baseball mitts out on that point. I will tell you concerning three that my son and I have come to love. We go back to your Wilson a2000 glove, the Nokona glove, and Rawlings gloves over and over. Wilson is a big sports equipment manufacturer serving the area around Chicago. They can make equipment for any of sorts of sports, but baseball is among the the chief. Wilson makes gloves for all positions and has three top models. My son tried the Wilson a2000 glove early on in his baseball career. He liked the fit within the Wilson a2000 glove inside the minute he tried one on. Enjoyed the Wilson a2000 glove also, but that's because this had a great price. Count all baseball equipment you offer. You might need an important bag to fit all your gear. Choose a baseball bag which can accommodate everything inside the situation. There are carriers possess compartments inside to certain you know where to securely place respective baseball technology. It is crucial that the bag of the choice have inside extra. This will protect the essentials inside from damage in the event it encounters accidental drops and is categorized. You might want take into consideration buying elongated-shaped bags. Foods high in protein store your bat inside without having to worry about breakage. Then though have us step and swing. Genuine friendships here can be always to step this front foot, but not allow the system to carry on. When doing this drill, think of the step to be a reach onto the pitcher. Now, for this drill turn out to be effective, you need to practice it many times every wedding day. Especially if you were a lunger when. Don't go front to hit the ball. Be patient and let the baseball come your way.

If without a doubt on a baseball game based using a starting pitchers who in order to listed through sportsbook then the bet will be going to returned if either of your pitchers doesn't start. In addition, a bet could be made based on just one team's glass pitcher. If you bet on a specific starter 1 team and won't care who the other pitcher will probably be the bet is active as long as the c's you wagered on starts the scheduled pitcher.

#먹튀검증사이트 #토토사이트추천 #안전토토

[thebibliosphere]

I had a question.

So, just an hour or two ago, I was going through some sort of “manic high”, sorta like how somebody with bipolar disorder would have (I don’t have BPD). It felt like a bullet train at max speed and completely derailing, and it was incredibly draining. It also got me wondering.

Do people with severe enough ADHD deal with ADHD episodes like this? My search attempts are often futile because all of it is just talking about how to differentiate between BPD and ADHD and BPD manic episodes, but nobody ever mentions ADHD episodes; the only time I’ve seen it mentioned ever was when somebody made a clip of crankgameplays to show what an ADHD episode looked like.

Do they even exist? I’ve got no idea, so I was just wondering if you knew.

Hey! Sorry, I saw your other ask a while ago, but I wanted to talk to my ADHD specialist before I answered because I’d never heard of the term “episode” being used to describe ADHD. I’m also going to splice both questions together here and answer them in segments in the hope it helps :)

So like I said, I’d never heard of the term “episode” with ADHD, and neither has my specialist. Part of ADHD is having a natural ebb and flow between inattention and hyperactivity, sometimes skewed toward one or the other, depending on your ADHD type. (What are the different types of ADHD?)

Your type of ADHD may also fluctuate because of other factors, such as stress, changes in medication, hormonal fluctuations, lack of sleep, overstimulation, or even under-stimulation, to name a few. Another overlooked part of ADHD is emotional dysregulation, which may cause rapid cycling emotions that may look like an “episode” to someone unfamiliar with what that actually qualifies. The way my therapist explained it and using your example of bipolar disorder, “episode” is used in diagnostic criteria to categorize manic or depressive episodes that last X amount of time, are usually severe, potentially requiring hospitalization, and are accompanied by other symptoms not found in ADHD.

Our “bursts” of energy or lack thereof typically don’t last long enough to be considered episodes. This isn’t to say they are not severe or debilitating, especially if you suffer from things like anxiety or depression that ADHD can feed into. Merely that “episode” is not used as part of the language used to discuss ADHD, which is likely why you’re not finding anything.

So, do ADHDers experience intense bursts of energy that are draining afterward? Yeah, we can do, especially if we lean more toward hyperactive than inattentive. (And again, it's normal to fluctuate and also for things to be affected or worsened by secondary factors.)

And I'm going to put the rest under the cut because this is hella long.

I’ve seen some people think that all hyperactivity has to come with fixation, but that’s not how ADHD works. It’s true if something gets us excited or gives us a dopamine boost, we might be more prone to becoming hyperfixated and burn all our energy up on that. But you don’t need something to fixate on to experience hyperactivity. Some of us are just wired to the moon sometimes, and yes, it can be very draining when it ends. Some people find medication helpful in regulating their hyperactivity/preventing it from coming in such big swings and dips.

Speaking personally, when I'm hyper and nothing is grabbing my attention, the world and people around me can feel painfully slow. It's like I'm going a mile a minute doing everything but achieving nothing. The crash that comes after can also be particularly bad, as I also have dysthymia, which can tip over into a major depressive episode depending on other factors in my life at that time. For years I was misdiagnosed as having "probably Bipolar Type II" by a doctor who didn't believe teenage girls could "get" ADHD* and convinced my parents I needed psychoactive drugs. The drugs I was on didn't help, in fact, they made me worse so I was taken off them.

It wasn't until I found an ADHD specialist as an adult a few years ago that I made any real progress. And I'll be honest, I was shocked when she diagnosed me with ADHD, I really didn't think I had it. Right up until we started doing the work and slowly but surely my mental health began to improve and my understanding of myself with it.

Sometimes there are days when I will be wired to the moon and it will derail my entire day because I can't focus on a single thing/I'll focus too much on a single thing. Other times, like when I am closer to my menstrual cycle, I'll crash into inattentiveness and depression because of how my hormones affect my various different conditions, including my ADHD. Medication would likely help with this, but due to medical reasons, that's currently not an option for me so I do the best I can.

That said, if you’re experiencing something more than hyperactivity but it's not mania, you may be experiencing a form of hypomania and you should talk to a doctor about your concerns.

Hypomania typically occurs in Bipolar Type II disorder, which is less severe than the manic episodes in Bipolar I. I’ve experienced both manic and hypomanic episodes in my life due to medication interactions, and they felt very different from ADHD hyperactivity. It's not just derailing mile-a-minute thoughts, it's something usually completely mood-altering and out of control feeling followed by devastating crashes.

If you're on any medications and are worried you are experiencing something like this, you need to talk to your doctor. You might just need a dosage tweak, or you might be better off on a different medication altogether. Also, make a thorough check of any and all medications you are taking to check for any interactions.

I'm on a cocktail of meds for my MCAS, which if I were to combine them with the SSRI one of my doctors wants me to try, would result in serotonin syndrome. The doctor didn't notice this, but the pharmacist sure as shit did!

Some people (ask me how I know) even develop mild hypomania from overusing the sunlamps used to treat SAD (link), which is why brands like Verilux now include warnings in their leaflets about not using the lamps for more than X amount of time a day. Thankfully it goes away once you stop overusing the lamps.

Which actually brings me to something you asked last time about being unable to sleep at night. Insomnia and delayed sleep phase cycles are not uncommon in ADHD. This is likely because our circadian rhythm is thought to be out of whack (link).

You also mentioned having racing thoughts at night too, which is not uncommon either with hyperactivity. I find if I get overstimulated before trying to sleep, I’ll end up lying there awake with what I like to call “radio ADHD” playing in my head. It can range from snippets of songs stuck on repeat, conversations, things I’ve watched on TV, arguments, or if something is happening the next day, fixating on not being late for it. Hence, I end up getting no sleep because you can’t accidentally sleep in if you don’t sleep. *jazz hands of despair.*

Sometimes I find Radio ADHD soothing if it’s fixating on something chill, but it can get annoying fast and even distressing if I’m tired and can’t “change the station.” (I’d say “shut it off,” but as of yet, I’ve never been able to do that. Medication helps some people with this, as can looking into “sleep hygiene” if you haven’t already.) Conversely, if I’m bored or something is too stressful, I will 100% fall asleep because my brain would literally rather just turn off than do something I don’t want to do or is a low dopamine reward task.

Brains are fun.

Anyway, I uh, I am not sure if any of this is useful to you, but I hope it helps. Mostly I'm just repeating back what my specialist said when I asked her about it lol. Good luck, and I hope you figure things out.

----

*NB: It's important to note that ADHD and Bipolar Disorder can be comorbid. It's not a one or the other situation. I’m just throwing it out there in case hearing that helps someone else pursue the proper diagnosis!

#adhd #not a doctor #just a sick person with lots of lived experience

[accursedkaleeshi]

Depressing Grievous Headcanon: The Inhibitor Chips

        TL:DR Grievous had inhibitor chips in his brain, 2 in particular made him The Worst™. One chip opened the flood gates of fury & the other chip slammed those gates shut & threw it in reverse. Let the rage flow until it reached “I will kill you or die trying” level, then click oh, shit I have to leave immediately.

How sure was Sidious that the inhibitor chips worked? Very. For every nefarious galaxy-rending plot he had you know there was untold fallout from prototype trials. Grievous was a prototype for a lot of things Sidious was trying to get off the ground. He got his money’s worth out of that bitch. The inhibitor chips used in Grievous ranged in complexity but were generally simpler as compared to those in the clones.

        The pair of chips that did most of the work in the general literally just stimulated areas of his brain under certain conditions. Grievous knew that his behavior was altered at its core, but due in part to the other lovely things that were done to him, he didn’t really care. In fact, he found a horrible sense of freedom in this. He did not have to put in the work into making decisions. He could just be a monster with little to no accountability.

        He was able to eventually recognize & pick out the triggers & circumstances under which these two particular chips activated. Towards the end of the Clone Wars he had far & away conditioned himself to act ahead of the resulting impulses. This did him zero favors, but maybe somewhere in his ruined mind he counted it as one of very few things he had control over. That was not, in fact, the case & he was just fast-passing the sith’s intentions.

        What I’m calling Chip A for simplicity’s sake was the angry chip. Chip A basically ran this stupid cyborg. It was trigged by stress, which… yeah, he was always stressed. When it detected the chemicals it was looking for the chip would just unload electric signals into his brain’s more primitive functions & turn his fight or flight reaction to (Steve Harvey voice) KILL. As you might imagine, Kaleesh have a good chunk of brain dedicated to rage & violence. The Techno Union had to patch this a few times at the start b/c he would Kylo-Ren a perimeter around him for dumb shit. They added like. A dimmer switch.

        Dooku used this in conjunction with his spooky sith mind games, having obscured most of his positive neural pathways & replacing them with an ominous void. Grievous did the rest himself. He was once a man that did a lot of thinking to back up his action, but they no longer needed him to think. If Grievous tried to think too deeply on something he couldn’t reach, like many of us, he would get very anxious. So, then Chip A would be like “yo we aren’t allowed to worry, it’s time to be mad. Pog.”

        Needless to say Chip A was goddamn workhorse. Grievous was constantly seething with rage. The Separatists all congratulated themselves on a job well done, creating a rage machine. Until Dooku discovered The Plateau. Grievous was very easy to manipulate; he was largely an open book. Dooku expected there to be a peak to how mad Grievous could get versus how well he made tactical decisions. But instead he found The Plateau while training him. He wasn’t sure if it was a biological state or some remnants of his culture’s spiritualism & he didn’t care. Apparently Kaleesh did not peak in rage & then crash. They hit the top & stay there.

He tested it several times, y’know for science. Grievous hit the maximum amount of fury he could convey & instead of breaking down he just stayed there, especially no longer being susceptible to physical wear. Dooku had to incapacitate him each time. When questioned, Grievous had given him some native word that boiled down to “one death either way”. Kaleesh would fight until they dropped. Commendable in some savage way, he supposed, but that was problematic. Sidious needed this broken bone lizard for his plans. Plans that didn’t have an execution date just then.

The Plateau was the kind of state some cultures referred to as berserk. They couldn’t have their very expensive scapegoat kamikaze a frigate into Coruscant in a frenzied martyr-making rage 2 months into a galactic war. So they slapped another chip in this bitch. When Chip B activated it immediately cut signal to Chip A & zapped a slightly different area. It basically shut off the “fight” & reversed straight into “flight”, breaking off the lever in an area that Grievous had seldom even touched previously in his life.

Chip B was the nope chip. It was the disengage button. It forced him to stop & immediately question what he was doing & whether or not it was a good idea. You’d think, as an honor bound warrior, he would hate this. He actually didn’t mind it & oftentimes found it hilarious. He internalized it as choices he was making. Very convenient props to hold up his fort of denial. He had no personal stake in anything during the Clone Wars. If Dooku’s little errands didn’t go as planned, he actually did not give a fuck. He knew (or, he thought he knew) that Dooku could not kill him unless Sidious was done with him.

Again, that relinquishing of responsibility for his actions is what kept him running. He was Dooku’s problem. If he got punished, not usually physically but mentally, he would be irate yes, but he was already constantly furious. If he performed poorly it was the Count that took the flak from Sidious. Dooku hated his guts & if he could not die in battle there was at least a smug satisfaction in inflicting himself of the Count. He was there to kill Jedi & cause problems.

Kenobi, then, was the Republic’s perfect anti-arch clanker weapon. Obi-Wan Kenobi used his wholly defensive lightsaber stance to buy him time to be the sassiest, most obnoxious bitch ever from behind his blue blade. As Grievous is an easy read, Kenobi could just rocket him into the Plateau wherein he made worse & worse decisions the more pissed off he got until A switched to B.

The Jedi council figured after a while that Kenobi was essentially annoying General Grievous into retreating, but they had no idea how literally that was happening. Toward the end of the war it was rather pavlovian. The droids would report Kenobi and/or Kenobi-adjacent activity in the area they were operating & a lot of the time Grievous would just straight leave.

He’d be like, “I have shit to do. Either Kenobi will come stop all of you from whatever the fuck we are doing or he will chase me. He cannot do both. Bye, bitch.” He called it leading Kenobi away from Separatist operations but really he just didn’t want to deal with it half the time. “I don’t have time for this” was already conveniently embedded in his DNA. ROTS he could have just yolo merc’d Kenobi when he dropped his lightsaber like an idiot. But then the clone army showed up & he was just like, click “Ugh, I don’t want to deal with this right now.”

#accursed!grievous #it's funny but also horrible #sw headcanons #call him a coward to his face he will laugh but his ancestors will cry

[ainosukes-sadism]

Okay so one of my mutuals made a post a week or something ago about how people view ADAM's connection with Langa as him having romantic feelings, while it is actually Langa being ADAM's special person, a phenomenon common to those with Borderline Personality Disorder. But a lot of people on this site don't really understand BPD (which is understandable, it's a stigmatized disorder not really talked about in terms other than 'yandere disorder'), so here's an analysis on how ADAM fits the criteria, and what they are.

Cut because length. tw for discussions of trauma, suicide & suicidal ideation, and self-harm, and mentions of drugs.

First off, Borderline Personality Disorder is a cluster b personality disorder (which all have trauma as a major contributor to getting the disorder). If I were to put one word to it, I would pick "disconnect". Disconnect from identity (not knowing who you are), disconnect from your emotions (not feeling them, or not being able to regulate or control them), disconnect from people (having difficulty keeping long-term connections with people, but also have difficulty letting go of connections). People with borderline often had unstable childhoods, which left them disconnected from their true selves (that weren't molded by those around them from a young age) and the world around them.

There are 9 main criteria of Borderline Personality Disorder, and a person needs 5 to have the disorder. They also need to be 18 to be diagnosed, although symptoms usually start in adolescence.

List of criteria was pulled from here. There's some more info, so I recommend reading if this post interests you.

1. Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one arriving home late from work or going away for the weekend may trigger intense fear. This can prompt frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, track your loved one’s movements, or even physically block the person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away.

~Adam doesn't seem to present this symptom.

2. Unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash as a result of your rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate.

~If his relationship with Tadashi doesn't prove it I don't know what does. He goes from loving Tadashi as a child and teen, to thinking Tadashi is his worst enemy a moment later, to trusting him more then anyone, to hating him again, to loving Tadashi again (Tadashi doesn't seem to mind the instability, but you can't deny it's there).

3. Unclear or shifting self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, or even sexual identity.

~It isn't super clear who Adam is himself. As Ainosuke, he's just a puppet of his aunts'. At S, he's letting loose all the subconscious pain he has. We get a glimpse into it at the end of the finale, but it isn't clear who Adam really is yet, and he might not know either. So it's a possible symptom, but one we can't say for certain given that we can't read his mind.

4. Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.

~Just. Everything he does at S is reckless and self destructive. He hurts the people trying to help him, he risks killing himself just to maybe feel something, there's no way he doesn't fit this symptom.

5. Self-harm. Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.

~It's unclear whether or not he intends to harm himself, or simply doesn't care about himself. It's most likely the latter, but a possible symptom.

6. Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

~Hoo boy. He goes from content smoking, to gloating about his superiority, to hurting people, to humiliation, to extreme rage, to sort of... unbothered the next day. It's possible he's masking some of it, but he definitely has mood swings.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the void with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.

~Throughout the show, the main plot is that most of the time he feels empty, and only really feels something when he's skating in the zone, especially when he's connected with his Eve (who most likely is his word for special person).

8. Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time feeling angry at yourself.

~His attack on Cherry. His final beef with Reki. His fight with Tadashi after realizing he joined the tournament. He definitely has a short fuse.

9. Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.

~It can't be said for certain if he dissociates or not, but he was definitely paranoid about Tadashi abandoning him. However, this is a somewhat isolated incident, so it can't be said for certain if he fits the criteria.

So, it's proven he fits 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, & 8, and it's possible but not provable he fits 5 & 9. However, 6 clear symptoms are enough to prove that he has Borderline.

Now. I'm not saying that he's a perfect person--far from it. While his disorder makes him less in control of his actions, he still has to be responsible for them. But this should at least be enough to show a little more consideration.

#signed an adam kinnie with pre-symptoms of bpd #sk8 adam #ainosuke shindo #shindo ainosuke #sk8 #sk8 the infinity #sk8 the infinity analysis #sk8 analysis #sk8 the infinity meta #sk8 meta

[five-rivers]

Loved 6

Written for Dannymay 2021 Day 15: Nature

.

“Danny,” said Sam, “what’s wrong?”

The question was, really, far too vague. Many things were wrong all the time, especially with Danny. Part and parcel of being what he was, living where they were, and doing what he did. Although she was more comfortable with it all than Tucker, she could acknowledge that things were… bad. That the world was messed up. That, although people could be horrible to each other on their own, the monstrous beings lurking under the fabric of reality did not help.

But Danny had been in especially low spirits for the last few days. She’d almost say he was depressed, but she was hesitant to apply mental health disorders to someone who wasn’t even entirely human anymore. He’d also been unusually quiet, but he had admitted some time ago that he was having progressively more difficulty ‘finding words,’ so that could be the reason instead.

If she could find out why he was upset, maybe she could cheer him up. Or at least support him.

He made a face, one hand covering his mouth as he talked. “You remember that time, um, when Clockwork… The gifts?” He touched his wrist.

“Yes?” said Sam, prompting him to continue.

Danny glanced down the otherwise oddly-deserted school hallway. “It’s… He had me eat with him. Sort of. Ever since then, my teeth have been…” He paused his hand now firmly pressed to his face.

“Weird?” suggested Tucker, voice low.

Danny nodded. “I had – I was venomous, in the Dream, I don’t—” He faltered.

“Do they hurt?” asked Sam.

“Mhm.”

“Do you think biting into something might help?” asked Sam as she swung her backpack off her shoulder and rummaged in it.

Danny’s eyes seemed to glaze over as he considered the question. Finally, he shrugged.

Sam found what she was looking for. “Here,” she said, holding out the shiny red apple. “Try this.”

Danny examined the apple, careful and silent. The fruit was reflected, vividly, in his eyes. Once. Twice. Three times? No. Danny had two eyes. Two perfect, insightful, soulful eyes.

Delicately, he took it. He still didn’t remove the hand over his mouth.

“We’ve seen worse, man,” mumbled Tucker.

“Not when I’m being human,” protested Danny. Gingerly, he removed his other hand from his mouth and brought the apple to his lips.

When his lips parted, Sam could see what he was talking about. Those were definitely, clearly, fangs. Sharp, smooth, and white. They sparkled even in the flat overhead school lights. Something bluish and clear glistened at their tips.

Was Danny venomous?

(Why did that excite her?)

They crunched into the apple. Danny held it there, still and tense, for a few seconds before his expression melted into absolute bliss.

“Feel better?” asked Sam.

“Mmmhmm,” said Danny, eyes half closed.

“Guys?” said Tucker. “We should probably go now. Before they kick us out.”

“Huh?”

“It’s the end of the school day. School’s been out for half an hour.”

Sam frowned. Was it? She… Did she… She did remember going to all her classes. She shook her head, dismissing the momentary lapse.

Danny regretfully disengaged from the apple, blinked, and swayed. His outline wavered. Sam grabbed his wrist, and a jolt ran up her bones, making her teeth hurt as if she had just bitten down on ice. He stabilized again.

“Thank you,” he said.

He did not notice that she had taken the apple.

.

She set the apple on her desk, and the color stood out vibrantly against the dark-stained wood and her black, goth-themed knickknacks. The color, which was a different than what it had been when she had given the apple to Danny.

The neon blue skin was cold enough to gather condensation and smooth under her fingers. There was otherwise little evidence that Danny had bitten into it. The holes had sealed over, leaving only small depressions.

She knew what she wanted to do. She knew what she shouldn’t do.

Danny said she couldn’t die. That he had destroyed her death, among others. She trusted him.

But it was always good to be prepared.

She set up a text on a timer. If she wasn’t able to cancel it in the next ten minutes, it would go out to Danny and Tucker.

The bed would be the best place to do this. She sat down on the edge, feet firmly planted on the floor.

She bit into the apple.

For a few seconds, she was disappointed, but then.

Then.

She let herself drop back onto her bed, the springs creaking slightly and the covers gently fluttering. She exhaled. Inhaled. Exhaled. Blinked. Closed her eyes. Opened them again.

Everything. Everything.

It was like seeing for the first time. The world was as thin as rice paper. The light was shinning through. It’s true nature.

And all the people. Everywhere. Everyone. Connected.

She—

Everyone.

Beyond the rice paper they could see and touch and feel, the false veil above the truth they couldn’t look at directly, but Danny could and, oh.

Was this what he saw all the time? Was he always filled with this sense of—

Of charity? Of- of—

What could she call this? Care? Empathy?

Could she call it love?

(She could. He was. Because he was loving. But his understanding of love was overwritten and subsumed by his understanding of Love. There could be no other way.)

(To love was human. Love was divine.)

If everyone could feel like this…

Sam knew how much people could hurt each other. She knew how terrible the world was.

(Her grandfather had only died a few years ago. He’d been born in Germany.)

She knew how stressed Danny was about hurting others, even when it was his mere existence that was harmful – And Sam wasn’t so sure that it was harmful. If Danny hadn’t just internalized the vitriol and hate that his parents practically consisted of.

If everyone could feel like this…

They’d had a conversation, back when they’d connected the others to cults, about whether or not cults were a natural result of the others’ presence, or if they were actually encouraged by the others. Maybe it was a combination of the two, but Sam now had good evidence for the former.

This. This was natural. This was right.

And she would work hard to make everything else right, too.

The feeling faded after another few… minutes? Hours?

Minutes. It had to be minutes. Otherwise, Danny and Tucker would be here.

The timer.

She fumbled her phone open just in time to cancel the text.

.

Sam was tempted to take another bite of the apple, but she knew that she had to be careful with her resources. She had her vision. Her goal. Her plan to make the world a better place.

It started here.

She leaned on her shovel and checked the depth of the hole in the ground. Good. Good. Room enough for the apple and room enough for the fertilizer.

She used her fingernails to slit open a bag of the latter and then placed the apple reverently on top of the small pile. A shadow passed over her. It didn’t seem like quite enough, did it?

Perhaps… an offering? She emptied the contents of her pocket. Coins. A six-sided die with a bat in place of its ‘one’ pip. A caramel and a strawberry candy her grandmother had given her that morning. A small picture of herself, Danny, and Tucker. A safely pin.

She arranged them carefully around the apple. The safety pin gleamed in the light.

Staring at her. She stared back.

Maybe…

She picked up the pin and squeezed it to free the sharp end. Then, before she could hesitate, before she could have second thoughts, she drew it over the ball of her thumb. Blood welled up from the small wound, and she let it drip on the soil surrounding the apple.

.

The tree grew into a sapling overnight. The next day, it was taller than Sam. On the third, the trunk was thicker than both her wrists together. By the end of the week, it had burst into bloom.

Sam made sure to water it every day.

Danny, meanwhile, continued to have problems with his teeth. He spoke less, his words slurred and lisping around his still-growing fangs, but that didn’t matter to her and Tucker. After the years they’d spent together, they could read each other pretty well.

Sam maintained a constant supply of apples for him to bite down on. Most of the time, he ate them afterwards, which she couldn’t really begrudge him, but sometimes he’d leave them on his desk or on the table or just out and Sam would put aside her next afternoon for experimentation.

Before she knew it, the tree was bearing fruit. Rose-red and perfectly shaped, not a trace of scale or insects. Sam knew exactly what to do with them.

.

���Hey,” she said, as her parents walked in, “I made an apple pie. Tell me if it’s any good.”

#danny phantom #loved #dannymay 2021 #dannymay #dannymay 2021 day 15: nature #eldritch abomination au

[scriptmedic]

So I'm looking into the psychology of how healthcare workers cope with a Year From Hell with a flood of critical patients, an economic disaster and a domestic insurrection. This is actually for historical fiction, it's the result of a 19th-century war, and it's a left-wing insurrection, but yeah there are obviously parallels....

TW for COVID, COVID 19, COVID MENTION, PANDEMIC/PLAGUE

Hey Cathreese! (Awesome name, I hope it's real.)

I hope you're doing well and that you and yours are safe and hale and whole.

Health care resiliency is a HUGE topic for me, and I apologize if this ask is WAY too dang long.

Caution: Then != Now

The thing that makes this ask a particular challenge is the historical aspect. I can talk about how people are dealing with this now, but so much of our responses are conditioned by our environment that a 21st century health worker's response to a Year From Hell is very different from how it would have been previously.

In part that's because we're so sheltered from death and dying as a culture now. In the 1800s, families taking care of their dead was... well, kind of a matter of course. People did their dying at home, for the most part, and their families saw to them after.

In the modern era that's all expected to be tucked away in a clean white room with machines solemnly going "beep" and a gaggle of professionals to make sure it happens in a neat, tidy, orderly way.

Also, remember that nursing wasn't really a profession til the mid-1800s. It was a duty taken up by family members or, in some cases, by nuns -- but nursing as a profession really began after Florence Nightingale and the Crimean War in the 1850s. (You may want to spend some time researching her, she's a badass.)

How Chronic Stress & Trauma Affect Personality/Behavior

Chronic stress, especially chronic sympathetic activation (fight/flight/freeze mode), makes neurophysiological changes in the brain that impacts how people experience stress.

For the first part, their brain is constantly on the lookout for reasons to stress -- making them have a "hair trigger" for stressful experience.

Second, stress responses come in 3 major flavors:

Fight. This comes out as frustration, anger, short-temperedness, lack of patience, loss of kindness or compassion, etc.

Flight. This comes out as anxiety, nervousness, dread, overwhelm, panic attacks, strong startle response, etc.

Freeze. Can't think, can't make a decision, brain fog, listlessness, inability to focus, etc.

Also, keep in mind that nightmares and other ways of processing stress are real and valid. Lack of sleep is a physiological stressor, as is poor nutrition and dehydration -- a character who's only getting a few hours a night is going to be MUCH worse off than a character who's taking good care of themselves.

More below the cut...

How Individuals Manage Chronic Stress & Trauma

First things first: relationships will matter hugely. Whether your character feels like they can rely on their team, or whether they feel constantly snarked at or nitpicked, can make a BIG difference in their ability to successfully navigate stressors.

Unfortunately, the phrase "nurses eat their young" isn't a baseless stereotype, and it originates from this era. People under stress often fall into Fight mode and want to snap, snarl, or blame rather than accept that other people are learning at their own pace -- so it would be reasonable to see a situation in which your character has, A) no support / a lot of bullying or nitpicking, B) systematically unsupported with 1 or 2 close friends, or C) an overall Good Team of People.

On top of all of that, there are the individual factors. Health care resiliency comes down to self-care and mindset, and of the mindset, of particular importance is the ability to tell ourselves stories that allow us to function.

So for each character, ask: how does their relationship to their situation cause them to see themselves?

Let's look at the possible ramifications of 3 mindsets to see how it could impact them.

"I'm just doing a job." This mentality might make someone more detached from each individual patient -- but during a plague and social upheaval, that can be really helpful in maintaining a healthy perspective. This mindset helps the person do their work, but release them from feeling obligated to get a particular outcome of their work -- they don't have to save everyone. Of course there's still pride in a job well done, and some measure of pain and loss or head-shaking when someone doesn't make it, but it's one of the least personally harmful mentalities in an industry like health care. Pair this with a strong sense of compassion and I think it's the healthiest outlook one can have. (This is where I am now.)

"I have to save everyone." This is a recipe for straight-up self-loathing, and sadly, it's a belief that underpins WAY too many health professionals. Many don't see it as a job, they see it as a calling -- and that means that they will take each loss as a personal failure. This can lead to depression, anger, and outbursts. They care so so much about each patient -- too much, and it wounds them, and it hollows them out. (I used to be like this.)

"The Divine works through me." This is an interesting mindset to me (who didn't get raised with a religious background at all). This is kind of a combination of mindsets 1 and 2 -- the character might see themselves as doing a job, yes, a very important one, but also as not being responsible for the outcome. They love and try their hardest, but the success or failure of their efforts gets pinned on someone else -- namely, a god or gods of their choosing. Thus the patients who die, well, that's His decision, innit? Same if they live.

Hope this was a place to start looking and thinking, and thank you for the ask.

xoxo, Aunt Scripty

#this post is not medical advice #this post is writing advice #mental health #health professionals #covid mention #covid 19 #covid

[animeyanderelover]

Hello A-Chan, this is my first time requesting ever, but I was really hooked onto your blog so I thought I’d give it a shot! Could you do prompt 46 with Asura from Naruto? Also, how are you doing?

I love Asura, not gonna lie. I love such guys a lot. I would say regarding boys that is my type. I would like to say that I'm fine, but I am nervous as hell for next week since it'll be one exam after another

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, obsessiveness, delusions, clinginess, slight angst, paranoia

Prompt 46: “Can I...can I kiss you?”

There were days where you had seen Asura being discouraged, where you had seen him being partially down, disappointed from everyone only seeing his brother as worthy and him as more of an airhead. There had been days where you had witnessed that he as well had his moments of sadness and regret.

But right now this was something completely different, something much more serious than what you had witnessed so far. But could you blame him? After all that had happened the last few days? After Indra’s betrayal? And after Asura had been made the next leader? He was currently carrying a lot of responsibility and sorrow on his shoulder and due to his stubbornness to put his own problems over the ones of the villagers he was brewing everything in himself together, keeping everything for himself. Maybe because he didn’t want to discourage the villagers by letting them see that their leader was currently having his own problems and maybe also because he didn’t want to risk his brother risking the chance to attack again.

His brother was almost like an invisible weapon hanging tight over everyone’s head, no one knew when he would come again which made everyone extremely uneasy. That was why Asura refused to give himself some rest, refused to show his feelings too openly. He was the hope for everyone and if he would crumble, they would slightly panic and he didn’t want everyone worrying over him.

But you were his spouse, you had the right to know such things and since you knew him better than many others, since the youngest childhood days, he didn’t feel the need to hide anything from you. Even if he did, you could tell if he was lying or not and whenever you started consoling him, he ended up breaking a bit down in front of you to reveal his vulnerable feelings and all the pain and doubts he was hiding under all of his happiness and joy. He was a human as well and you didn’t expect him to be all the time positive. Of course it was nothing bad, it was a good thing he was the way he was. Maybe he was sometimes just a bit...inexhaustible. But you had learned to endure him and all his clinginess and his sometimes too sweet behavior.

But it was rare for him to be seen whilst being distraught or radiating off sadness and disappointment. But that was what you had found him like when you had woken up in the middle of the night in bed, with him having positioned himself so that his head had been burried in your hair, arms having wrapped themselves tightly around your form so you could not escape with a tight grip that gave you the feeling that he was silently begging for comfort and his breath being slightly erratic. It was not the first time you had seen him being like this, it happened every once in a while, but since he had pleaded you to not tell anyone, you had kept quiet about it. Only his father knew.

“Was it about Indra again?”, you asked him, turning your body a bit so your back was now laying on the mattress and so that you could face him a bit better. He did not answer instantly, but he nodded after a while, a untypical depressed look in his eyes. He looked exhausted and tired, and you didn’t mean because he had woken up late at night, but because right now he was done with all that had happened, all the piled up feelings getting to him. Those nightmares of him were one of those things that had happened only a while after his brother had left and nearly killed everyone and Hagoromo had told you that this might be a result from all the stress and the loss of his older brother whom Asura had cared for very much.

“Do you want to tell me about it? Was there anything different this time?”, you continued to talk to him, running your fingers a bit through his brown hair in order to calm him down. “You know you can tell me everything. I’m here Asura, I’ll always be.”

Mentioning it seemed to bring back unpleasant memories judging from the way his body went suddenly a bit rigid, muscles tensing up. Something had definitely happened to him. “Take your time. You can tell me or don’t, I’m fine with both. Whatever you feel most comfortable with.”

“He-he...” Asura did not even want to speak it out loud, struggling with his words which he couldn’t piece together in that one moment, mind being too much in chaos from the dream he just had to think normally just yet.

You had patience though, you knew no one had been more shattered from the recent events than Asura had. Of course you had been close to Indra too, though you now were sure he didn’t think of you as a friend anymore, looking back on how he had launched at you back then, knowing how much you meant to his brother. And it had been one of the very few times Asura had truly been infuriated with him, a temporarily darker look having crossed his face and for a few moments he had attacked with his brute strength as well which had even shocked his brother and had turned out to be the one moment where Asura had managed to finish him off with the help of the others.

“He killed you. He killed you and I couldn’t do anything against it. All I could do was watching you die.” His voice was trembling a bit. It might have been only a dream, but it seemed to mess with Asura still pretty badly, maybe because he knew that this might have really happened and might happen again with Indra’s current plan and whereabouts unknown was taking it’s toll on him as well.

“It’s fine Asura. It was only a dream. I am still here, aren’t I?”, you tried to cheer him up a bit. He didn’t look so sure when he looked up, though a small smile graced his features when he saw you looking slightly concerned down at him. “Your hair looks quite funny.”

With your free hand you twirled a strain of your hand in your hand before shrugging with your shoulders and letting go of it again. “I just woke up so you can’t exactly expect me to look like I just came out of a full dress-up. Also, for someone who is currently wanting my comfort so badly, you don’t exactly use the right methods.”, you teased slightly playfully, nudging him slightly.

“I still think even with this kind of hairstyle you look stunning. For me you always look stunning, no matter what.”

You scoffed a bit, trying to hide the fact that you were flattered by him and his charm, though it was a good sign that he was getting so flirty with you again, it meant he was starting to feel better.

“Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve someone as pretty and great as you. You were always there for me, no matter what.”, he mumbled, placing the one hand who was still playing with his hair over yours and guiding it to his face and letting it rest on his cheek, intertwining his fingers with yours.

“Well, we did promise when we were you get we would marry each other, didn’t we? Though I remember that I rejected at first and you constantly trailed behind me and continued to propose to me at least once a day. You always plucked flowers or tried to cook something for me in hopes to charm me.”, you answered, giggling a bit when remembering all those times he had asked you to marry him like some lovesick fool, though he had stayed that way the complete time, the only difference now was that you were married to that man. Asura had never given up once, no matter how much you had rejected him as a child. It had helped him reaching your heart with his ambition and the fact that he had never given up once.

“I know, I probably was a bit annoying back then. But I just knew from all the way back then that you were the person I wanted to marry. Thank you for saying yes and marrying me. Thank you for being with me.”

“You don’t have to thank me for that. As I said, I’ll be here for you. Always. Also, please stop talking like this. You’re embarrassing me.” He was currently being a bit too much of a romantic talker for your taste, making you flustered despite having been attacked by this more than anyone else had.

Your reply made Asura grin a bit, sitting slowly up to meet you face to face, the previous look of fear having succumbed a bit, warmth having returned to them. “Thank you for helping me. I feel a lot better now.”, he told you, pressing his forehead against yours.

“I don’t like when you’re sad. But I’m also glad you do try to hide it from me do I can help you to start with. But Asura,”, you gave him a serious look,”please keep in mind that Indra leaving us was not your fault. It was his own decision and no one could have stopped him from going, even if we would have knocked him out and dragged him back. Understood?”

He glanced for a short moment away, hesitation filling his expression for a short moment before he sighed a bit. “That is easier said than done. I still feel like I could have done more. But you’re right, I don’t believe that I could have stopped him, no matter what I might have tried. Next to that he tried to destroy the village and to kill you.” For a millisecond you thought his expression darkened again, though it was hard to tell since it was not that easy to see him properly whilst it was night.

But it was rather quickly gone and from the way he kept glancing at your lips, you forgot rather quickly about that.

“Can I...can I kiss you?”

“We’re married silly. So why even asking? We’ve kissed before.”, you scoffed.

Asura was a bit taken aback when hearing you say this before scratching his neck embarrassed. “No reason to sound so harsh.”, he replied sheepishly before leaning closer and locking his warm pair of lips with you, loosening up a lot by doing so, feeling new energy flowing through him.

“Better now?”, you asked slightly amused afterwards. Asura nodded, grinning the usual bright way he always did. “Great, then let’s go back to sleep. It’s still late at night.”, you grumbled, finally letting the tiredness getting the better of you and sliding down into the blankets, soon being accompanied by Asura who seemed different from you more awake, something still on his mind.

“You know, I still hope that my brother will eventually come back to his senses and return to the village though I don’t think he will. But if he should ever try to hurt you again like he did the last time despite you having been one of his best friends...I won’t spare him just because he is my brother. I won’t let him hurt you.”

#yandere naruto #yandere naruto shippuden #yandere asura #yandere asura otsutsuki

[everything-laito]

if I don’t have tendinitis by the end of writing this series, I am officially immortal. anyways here’s the long awaited Laito and Cordelia analysis: Part I

Hi, Corn here! Holy shit I’ve been wanting to write this for forever now; idk how long this series will be but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I’m gonna wing it.

Lemme get something REAL clear before I begin. Because for some fucking reason I still see people trying to say that Cordelia did not molest/rape/etc Laito. Cuz she did. It’s called grooming and manipulation, sweetie. And I’ll explain that too. 

Also, I’m not defending or justifying Cordelia’s actions (there’s a difference between explaining why something happens and defending it. For example, we know racism is harmful and awful, but explaining what it is and why it happens isn’t defending it). I also don’t defend Laito’s nonconsensual or abusive actions either on here, I also wanna clarify that. I just merely explain his theorized rationale and psyche.

God I don’t even know where to start, or where this is exactly going to end, but my god, time to pop off. I’m going to divide this into sections as well. 

Also I think this is usually a given with all the Laito stuff I put on here, but, spoilers ahead! And trigger warnings galore! Pedophilia/rape/abuse/grooming/depression/anxiety are the ones I can think of now, but all of those are really a given on this blog. Just wanna emphasize it because I’m gonna go deep into em. 

As always,,,,, rant under the cut~!

Section 1: Before the Storm (insert Life is Strange joke here)

There’s quite a bit of back and forth about where Cordelia started doing this. I just finished Dark Fate and the conversation between the triplets caught my eye. Laito mentions in his Dark Fate Ecstacy Epilogue that implies Cordelia wasn’t abusive at first. It’s revealed how Karlheinz used Cordelia just for his Adam and Eve experiment to create a new human race, which is why he blatantly ignores her after courting her and making her have kids that she didn’t even wanna have. Which is. Yikes. I’d say that’s a form of coercive pregnancy abuse.

The conversation turns to Laito who then says that Cordelia lost her mind due to of sexual frustration and then hurt the triplets. Sexual frustration is a real and common thing, but I’m gonna explain the potential logistics of this being turned into abuse. 

Sexual frustration in general can be described as a sense of “dissatisfaction stemming from a discrepancy between a person’s desired and achieved sexual activity” (source). I know it’s from Wikipedia but the phrasing of that definition is just too perfect. (also Wikipedia’s good just to get the basics from ;) ) Sexual frustration can happen from physical, mental, emotional, social, religious, or spiritual barriers. Everyone has some kind of ideal sexual activity, whether it be innate and or learned (like getting used to sexual acts over time, whether that be from a traumatic or consensual experience). However, I can safely say that Cordelia has high libido, regardless of the reason. 

Oxytocin, my absolute favorite hormone to talk about, is huge in this case. Touch starvation (what I’d say most of us are going through now because of quarantine) also depends on oxytocin level. We’re social creatures, and we need touch in some way. Having sexual needs is also not a thing to be shameful of (if you do have them), since that is also very human and very biological. Oxytocin is needed for so many things! From social bonding, sexual bonding, reproduction in general, and general emotional wellbeing. Everyone has different levels of oxytocin needs. With a lack of oxytocin, whether it causes sexual frustration or touch starvation (or both), it can create fear, anxiety, and or depression. This has to do with my favorite part of the brain, the amygdala. It’s this lil almond shaped part (hence, amygdala, which is Latin for “almond”) is responsible for empathy, your fight and flight response, as well as SO many other things. I’ll talk more about the amygdala later, because I’m getting off track. 

Back to the logistics of oxytocin deficiency and abuse. Basically, I didn’t initially think that touch starvation or sexual frustration could get so bad that someone would resort to abuse. Haven’t found anything that supports that either. However, since it is linked to depression and stress, I do believe Cordelia would have other underlying psychological issues that made her response to depression and stress just so much worse. It’s kind of obvious that Karlheinz absurd her, and when someone goes through a traumatic episode, there’s different coping mechanisms or different emotions are triggered. Maybe even before Karlheinz she had issues, but we will never know. I just know that Cordelia seems susceptible to some kind of manic episodes, such as mood swings and intense behaviors. 

Dark Fate confirms that Karlheinz most likely used this, and used Cordelia due to her Founder blood and that her psyche was “optimal” to eventually have the triplets kill her. Karl can see the future and past etc, I believe that was confirmed in Lost Eden too. Anyways, all of this paves the way to what Cordelia did to the triplets.

Section 2: The Beginning

There’s been quite a bit of back and forth between when did Cordelia start sexually abusing Laito? We know that Kanato and Ayato were abused when they were young, but there’s no flashbacks in Laito’s routes that depicts him being a child (to my knowledge). Not saying Laito wasn’t abused when he was a child, but I can assure you that the first time Cordelia had explicit sex with Laito was when he was older. 

Special thanks to @vampiretsuki​ and @amiecris​ for helping me think this through on Zara’s server! 

There hasn’t been any flashbacks that specifically show us the first time that happened. However, I believe that there was a flashback in HDB that shows one of the first times. Here’s a scene from Laito’s Dark Epilogue:

Cordelia: ー Laito…Laito… Laito: …Hm? Is something the matter? Cordelia: I have a favor to ask. It just isn’t enough. You can do it, right Laito? Laito: You really are something…So that’s why you came to me again? Cordelia: Fufufu…That’s right, Laito. Come on, quickly… Laito: …Guess it can’t be helped. I’ll love you plenty. Cordelia: Aah…My cute Laito~ I love you. I really do. Laito: I can do it…right? Cordelia: Of course, Laito. Now, quickly…

First of all, ew. Second of all, Laito’s diction implies that this was maybe the second or third time this occurred. He asks a question, and ends it with “again.” We know by this that it is not the first time, but the question also means that Laito might not have expected to occur again. His tone also implies some surprise to it, at least in my ears. His other question, “I can do it, right?” screams hesitance to me. If this scene took place down the line, or after many times he did this with Cordelia, I don’t believe he’d be some level of surprised or hesitance. 

Now, you may be thinking, “Oh! What about Ayato and Laito’s Versus II CD?! Didn’t it mention that Laito wasn’t in the triplet’s shared bed 9/10 times?!” And yeah, if you remembered that, kudos to you! Yes, you’re totally right. I thought this was some inconsistent writing, but I don’t believe so. I believe Cordelia was grooming Laito as a kid. For some reason, grooming never came to my mind, it was Tsuki who mentioned grooming, and Cris also backed that notion up. It’s not confirmed if Cordelia planned to do this to Laito in the beginning (which I doubt, I think she sexually exploited him on a whim due to sexual frustration and because Karl wouldn’t; and the suitors she had wasn’t “enough” for her) but I think it’s implied that it happened (from the earlier excerpt). As for grooming, here’s an excerpt from the VS II CD:

Ayato: You weren’t even there 9 out of the 10 times. Laito: So you knew, Ayato-kun. Ayato: … Laito: You know, I have been thinking how I came to be the person I am today. I am still wondering why wasn’t it Ayato-kun or Kanato-kun.

God that’s so SAAAD! This is why Laito being groomed from a young age would make sense. It would also make sense as to why he was so dismissive and hesitant to help Ayato out. In Ayato’s flashbacks, Laito is there, but doesn’t interfere when Cordelia gets into the picture. Laito tends to run away from his problems, and this manifests even when he’s a kid. To further the support of the claim, it’s definitely not farfetched that Cordelia would do something to a child, especially her own child. She used Kanato for his singing voice when she was having sex..... yikes. That’s another form of sexual exploitation. So uh, let’s dive right into see what grooming does,,,,, *opens another private window* Here’s the source I’ll be using too. 

Grooming is a process that is typically used to sexually exploit children. Ewewewewewewew. It can be a quick or gradual process. It’s basically harnessing the trust in children utilizing constant contact. There’s not much explicit evidence describing this with Cordelia, but if Laito wasn’t sexually exploited when he was younger in the fashion he was “used” to when he got older, again I do think he was groomed. It would make sense as to why he either avoided conflict with Cordelia as a child. Either that was his own disposition (which to a degree I think it is), or maybe he was confused about Cordelia’s actions towards his other brothers, since he “loved” Cordelia. Young Laito typically fell silent when Cordelia entered the room, which again could be because of his disposition, fear, or he knows not to say much in front of her. 

During the grooming process, a child can result in not being able to see coercion and deception. In general, kids 7 years old and under biologically are not able to differentiate persuasion from their own decisions, which results in the laws surrounding advertisements catering to children. Fun fact. I know we’re dealing with vampires and so their brains might not work like that, but from what I’ve seen, they’re pretty human. Also, we’re still not sure about their ages or how vampire biological ages work, but bear with me on this. 

Another stage of grooming involves cutting off the child’s support system, whether it be family, friends, etc. I made a comment in an analysis that Laito doesn’t have a support system, and at the very least, his brothers. But even that is pretty weak. You know how it’s mentioned how Laito wasn’t even in bed with Ayato and Kanato most of the time? That’s probably due to Cordelia weakening Laito’s bonds with them. Furthermore, on the website I’m using to get information from, it says this:

Control and alienation is exercised in the following ways:

[more bullet points here]

- creating conflicting feelings of love and hate, protection and exploitation, guilt and innocence, entitlements and duties.

OOOOOHHHHHH BBBBBOOOOOYYYYYY!!!!! Ayato and Kanato say that they fucking hate Cordelia. But... Laito’s the only one that says he “loves” her. He also says that he hates her. So, from this, I think it might be safe to say that Cordelia groomed Laito as a child, and continued to use those tactics when he was older.

Well, I’m gonna end it here for part one. That was quite the ride, but I hope you enjoyed nonetheless! Next part, we’ll be getting into Laito when he’s older and the effects it had on him, along with some other crazy dark sides of psychology. I still won’t be answering many of my inbox questions until this huge analysis is finished, sorry! I kinda wanna focus on this first. But feel free to hit me up with any questions! I’ll still get to them :)

Any Cordelia/Laito questions will most likely be answered in this series, just a heads up. But if you have any questions pertaining to Cordelia/Laito right now or after the series, feel free to hit me up still! Any clarifying questions for this post or anything in general are always encouraged as well if you’re confused or want me to elaborate on something :)

Part two is planned to be up next week! See ya then ;) -Corn

#analysis #Laito sakamaki #sakamaki laito #raito sakamaki #sakamaki raito #Cordelia sakamaki #sakamaki cordelia #diabolik lovers #dialover #dialovers #dl #corn pops off again

[brandstifter-sys]

Closing Hours

@dukexietyweek Day 3 - Coffee Shop

Word Count: 1051             (Ao3)

Pairing: Dukexiety 

Rating: T

Warnings: Food mention, mental illness mention

Remus runs a local cafe, and he loves charming his customers, but his customer service schtick doesn’t work on everyone, including the one doctoral student who caught his eye. Fortunately he has another way to win Virgil over despite his defense mechanisms!

---

Remus was never one to give a fuck about getting fancy coffee, but he was a pro at making it, and putting on a show. He loved working at the seedy little café that he lived over, and he loved getting the late shift when all the stressed college kids came to use the wifi and cram. So what if he didn't have the money or drive for college himself? He learned more from those students than he could imagine—including that his customer service charm didn't work on everyone. 

He was just cleaning up after handling a long string of orders when one of the regulars came in with his laptop, ready to suffer through more graduate work in the quiet of the empty café. Remus didn't know his name but he knew that face anywhere! 

"Hey there Scare Bear, what can I get you today?" 

"The usual," he said and reached for his pocket, already set to pay. Remus shook his head. 

"You can get your iced green tea with raspberries on the house—if you tell me your name," Remus hummed and winked at him. The man was blushing under that white foundation and dark eyeliner, which was pretty normal. 

"You would find a way to stalk me and murder me if you had that information," he huffed, "Hard pass." 

"I know I'm creepy and unsettling, but that hurts. I don't even creep on you when you're here!" 

"Yesterday you said you could bounce marbles off my ass with no problem." 

"Yeah but it came up in conversation, so try again." 

"You tried to give me a free slice of cake when this place was empty and felt up my back." 

"I could get away with giving away some cake!" Remus chuckled, "And you really want to call me putting my hand between your shoulder blades and not moving 'feeling you up?' I won't do it again, but that's a safe touch!" 

"Just ring up the tea." 

"Just for that, no, it's on me! Honestly it's like you just want to find excuses to mark me as a total creep but you don't really want to because you keep coming back and talking to me!" Remus teased before going to mix the drink. 

The man was stunned into silence and sat down at his usual table. He pulled out his computer and got busy with his work instead of thinking about the handsome barista catching on to his schtick. It was easier to summarize his case study results and delve into the troubled minds he wanted to help.

He was immersed in his writing pretty quickly. He didn't notice the clock ticking away. Eventually he was oblivious to that fact that no one else was in the café other than that barista, until the chair across from him slid on the tile, forcing him to look up. 

"You didn't come and get your tea, so I drank it and made you a fresh one!" Remus said and sat down holding a plastic cup of iced tea. 

"Thanks," the man flushed and took the tea, "How long have I been here?" 

"A couple hours—it's after closing time, but I figured you needed the quiet to work on your research paper." 

"Shit it's that late?" 

"Yeah, but don't sweat it, Virgil, you take the time you need!" Remus smiled and leaned back in his chair, "Everything is cleaned, counted, and prepped for the morning!" 

"What did you call me?" Virgil nearly choked out. 

"Your name, silly!" Remus teased, "Don't think Roman keeps his mouth shut about the best almost-doctor he has to deal with!" 

"How long did you know that?" Virgil asked, biting his lower lip. Remus' smile relaxed and he leaned on the table. 

"Since the beginning of the study, but I was gonna wait til you told me so I could act surprised to find out you were the main guy therapying my stressed, depressed brother!" 

"And you've been hitting on me since before that started, so what are you trying?" 

"To get to know the hot guy who always shows up because he's cool and I caught him watching Freaks when he was supposed to be working on some psychology stuff." 

"And then Roman broke his contract?" 

"He didn't reveal anything about the study, just that you're a little scary but really sweet and good at being a therapist. Oh and of course what you look like. He was hoping I would beg for him to set us up so I could stop whining about the hot customer who I have a crush on! I didn't have the heart to tell him that wouldn't work!" 

"You have a crush on me? Even after all the times I flat out rejected you?" 

"I can't control my feelings, just how I deal with them—I might be the perfect mess to be the subject of a case study myself, but I know a little bit about my mind!" Remus giggled, "And you kept coming back, instead of finding a different café to hide in for hours, so I didn't want to bother you too much!" 

"And you don't think you're bothering me now because?" 

"I told you it's after closing, so you would have left by now if I were. You have plenty of openings and excuses to leave if you want, but I don't think you do. I think you actually like talking to me, you want to be friends!"

"If you're the same Remus that Roman talks about, I can promise you that I might want to be more than just that," Virgil said shyly, "Maybe we could get lunch one of these days, if you don't mind taking an exhausted doctoral student on a date." 

"If you're free now, I know a great diner that's open 24/7, my treat," Remus suggested with a shrug. Virgil smiled at him—actually smiled—and shook his head. 

"I'm at least covering the tip," he said and packed up his computer, "if it's the diner on Archer street, I'm definitely not letting you handle everything." 

"No promises! But I can promise you'll have interesting company!" 

"Then let's go," Virgil said with a smile and got up. Remus beamed and led the way. Customer service charm didn't work but being honest and respectful sure did!

#dukexietyweek2021 #sanders sides #remus sanders #virgil sanders #dukexiety #mental illness mention tw #sandyscribed

[its-a-pack-thing-babe]

Tw depression esp for my age when I should just be better at handling things

The main reason I am still here, I think, is because I’m cripplingly afraid of the finality of death. There are a handful of other things, but god. I really want to be positive, and believe that things will be better, but everything is just a mental mess and the pandemic is not the only thing making my goals feel unattainable and giving up on these dreams has been extremely hard on top of all the other shitty brain things.

People tell me they love me but I don’t feel it, they say they want to be support to me but I don’t feel it, and I am super extremely aware that that’s me and that’s something I need to address, and I’ve been trying but it’s becoming harder and harder to fix because therapy has stopped being helpful and just become another thing to fit on a plate of Shit I Don’t Have Time For, so I don’t know what to do.

I’ve worked really hard this year on freelance projects outside the FT job (that I hate) and I don’t feel pride in any of it. All I feel is the stress of producing, of constantly feeling like I’m letting people down, of not being good at the things I care about, of realizing that maybe I wasn’t meant to do any single thing I love because I’m not even passable at this shit, or maybe that I don’t even love it as much as I thought, and it’s left me with a deficit of energy.

I’m in a shitty transition limbo period and as a result I feel like almost everyone is pitying me rather than actually seeing me for who I am even if they’ve given me no reason to doubt them.

Everything else I’ve tried to do to better myself and make this less of an issue keeps hitting roadblocks that are either fully out of my control, or extra time sink factors that I don’t have the energy for because I budgeted negative energy reserves for what it Takes, and a little of what Might Randomly Go Wrong but it’s always worse or more complex than what Might Randomly Go Wrong. Even simple phone calls are a roundabout now and I just want help and a better path forward but it’s hard not to internalize it as the universe saying “this kind of relief isn’t for you. Sorry.”

And I know I’m lucky in so many ways, from my inherent privilege to especially having essentially two roofs over my head and a remote job that tries to respect my gender. I want to be happy and grateful. But I’m too burnt out to feel any of it. I wish I had more hope.

I just don’t know how much longer I can feel like this, and the only ways I know to fix it either aren’t working or out of my scope of things under my control or my available energy. I miss enjoying things and having hobbies. I miss believing that people care about who I am or what I do. I miss being able to communicate honestly about what I want without fear. I don’t know what to do anymore, but I want to live a different life and it’s hard to see that as a possibility.

Anyway, happy 2022.

#2021 #last time I’m using this godforsaken tag