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aquickstart · 5 months

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ok sure i'll talk about farleigh start. i'll talk about his tragedy of never being enough as it were and then having to deal with fucking oliver. sure. disclaimer: it's about class (and race) and the horrible reality of the rich. the horrible reality of living as farleigh.

another disclaimer: i'm white! and poc definitely pick up on everything i'm talking about here as it is, and better. i was and am specifically interested in farleigh vs. oliver but it's impossible to examine without considering race. definitely let me know if anything abt this sucks!

farleigh and oliver are similar. it's annoying because every intruder that is not himself is annoying, partly because felix's attention swaying from farleigh is dangerous; there is always a threat of being discarded, even if no precedent existed. the potential is terrifying.

but you'd think he's seen this before, every summer (if venetia is telling the truth) or at least often enough to learn to recognize it fast, so he should know this will pass. part of it is i think still the deep anxiety, and i think he hated every boy that was there before, and it is sort of routine.

but definitely a huge factor in farleigh's annoyance is the fact that he's a biracial (black for cattons, that's all they see) man in a white rich household. he's alert and exhausted all the time. of course he's angry at oliver, regardless of whether he's the first to crash at saltburn for the summer or the fifty-first.

but the important thing is this.

farleigh is very jealous of and angry and pissed at oliver because farleigh sees all the similarities between them. outsider, in financial trouble, whatever it is, in need of cattons; and yet oliver is preferred. and farleigh seems to be the only one to really consider it. felix does not pick up on the hint when farleigh brings up the birthday party vs. his mother. felix's clumsy "different or... anything like that" is as much about race as it is about class, of course. the "we've done all that we can" bit is felix absolving himself of guilt because surely they had, surely the mysterious collective cattons that he's not really part of had tried all they could do. to him, farleigh is different from oliver, because farleigh has been helped. felix is rich and white and twofold uncomfortable with farleigh, even if he's nice about it, even if he genuinely enjoys his company; he doesn't look too close at farleigh because he feels too guilty to come too close. and farleigh can't do anything about it. he can't nice himself into it. the fucking tragedy of him is that he's never enough in the world of the ultra-rich white, even if (especially because!) he's born into it.

farleigh is very pissed at oliver because farleigh also sees all the differences between them. you know who can be nice poor white enough to fit in? fucking oliver. felix says "just be yourself, they'll love you" when oliver first moves in. farleigh was also probably told the same thing, and felix also probably believed that farleigh could just be himself, but even if the cattons were magically not racist at all (impossible), it wouldn't make a difference to farleigh. he would still self-censor, keep in check, be in dangerous waters (because racism is not just about the individual, but about the system). we see that he'd won himself leeway by years of trial and error by the way he speaks to the family, but it's still within the boundaries of acceptable, built by the cattons. he's part of them because they allow it, and farleigh is very, very aware.

the annoying thing is oliver can be himself. like, truly, genuinely, he can just be. and farleigh can't help but envy that.

as a side note, oliver is obviously jealous of farleigh in the beginning as well, because regardless of the reality of farleigh's situation, he was born into it, and hence, at least in oliver's mind, has his position solidified. oliver's whole thing is unquenchable thirst and hunger for whatever and everything the cattons have (including themselves!). he wishes to have been a catton from birth. to oliver, at first, there's nothing farleigh can really do to lose it. and until he figures out the cattons completely, he can't help but envy that.

but i think farleigh senses something different about oliver early on. at least on the level of the text, we have "you're almost passing [for] a real, human boy", which is so important because farleigh is the first to point out oliver's weirdness. the next to do so is venetia in the bath scene calling him a freak, but it's too late. farleigh is too early.

and i like to think he clocks oliver too early because he sees the jagged edges that he recognizes in himself. i think that one other thing that farleigh envies is oliver's freedom to let go. freedom to let go is very similar to freedom to be, but not quite the same.

to be is about perception: farleigh knows he cannot fall out of line, but would like to, and oliver does not have to worry about it at all (i mean, he does, because oliver also performs for felix, but farleigh doesn't know that).

to let go is about the self: farleigh is too scared to even want what oliver eventually does, to even consider the possibility. oliver can let himself want. oliver can let himself act. oliver just can do things and want things. i'm not sure farleigh can.

and so in this scene, when oliver's wants and actions have landed him nowhere with farleigh, felix, venetia, the cattons, of course farleigh gloats. he can let himself do that, because if the cattons are slowly discarding him, farleigh can allow himself this one small victory. he's relieved because despite the dangerous similarities, oliver is, thankfully, not really the same as farleigh, right?

but like. this movie is a love letter to all things gothic. oliver is a white man. he prevails. the brief performance that oliver put on did eventually end up more effective than farleigh's lifetime of constraint. my heart fucking breaks for him to be honest.

the issue that remains is the fact of farleigh's survival. i like to think that oliver came to respect him. oliver is smart, but farleigh is clever. he picks up on everything oliver does (to refer back to the karaoke scene, farleigh immediately retaliates in the cleverest way, in the moment), and he's the only one to do so consistently (venetia, again, for example, comes close, but too late; oliver doesn't like that, there's nothing to work with). hence, stay with me for a little longer, the paradox: farleigh survives because he was never enough for the cattons, but he is very worthy of oliver's attention. in his own freaky way, oliver wants him. look at that.

so. farleigh. farleigh might come back. he always comes back. and i think oliver wants to try harder next time.

#saltburn #farleigh start #i think someone mentioned how the race commentary was fleeting in that scene abt his mom but i disagree #it runs thru the whole movie #because oliver is white and because they're pitted against each other #im not saying its the best commentary ever and also like the movie is not about it at all #but it's there and it's pretty prominent #also on a completely different note can we talk about how oliver correctly assumed everyone at saltburn desires him carnally #dude pulled all the bitches by being strange and off-putting. i mean i completely get it. completely get it. i'd fold so fast you've no ide #also while i was writing i realized that yes indeed both farleigh and oliver perform for felix and its so fascinating #and it works for oliver because of course it does because hes white #anyway! again! let me know if this sucks #in like any way at all #i needed a masterpost of all and every thought i have about farleigh #i think this pretty much covers it so i'll let it go now #HES SO. like do you UNDERSTAND #the DEFINITION of doomed by the narrative but i LOVE that he survives #as he SHOULD #emerald is so right. he does come back and quickstart just torture each other in that house forever. besties for life #god im gonna shut up now this is so horrendously long #mine #saltburn journaling

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puppyeared · 6 months

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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously

#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to #im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but #because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of #exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something #and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh #and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing #because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant #even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still #its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about #I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird #maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel #a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t #I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to #be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol #idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week #had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting #yapping #does this count as vent #vent #Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly

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varpusvaras · 10 months

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Bail: *reading something for the Senate at his desk*

Fox: *comes slogging in*

Bail: Oh, hello love

Fox, faceplanting onto the couch: Helourhhghhhhdjdhfjgfh

Bail: Rough day at work?

Fox: Uhhhggghhgg, I don't even know where to start. First we get one suspect in and then the Jedi want to come and interrogate her, and then we get the Jedi murdering the suspect on tape, and then of course she is Skywalker's Padawan, and he comes in after Tarkin has been there-

Bail: *reaching for the comlink to ask Padmé if she has heard anything more*

Fox: - and he starts demanding to be let in because 'that's his Padawan' and he doesn't stop when I tell him that Tarkin said no, and then he gets mad and starts to threaten me if I'm not letting him in-

Bail: *eye twitching* what

Fox: - who does the think he is, who does he think I am? I cannot just jump from one order to another, if I did what he told me to then Tarkin would get mad and I would get hurt anyway, and now three of my troopers are dead and my head hurts and I want to slam it to a wall or something-

Bail: No, no, don't do that. I'm going to get you some water and painkillers, do you want a hug?

Fox: UughhhfhhfhhfhhhhHHHHHH yes

Bail: Of course, I'll just send this message

Bail: Padmé, I'll let you know that Anakin is not invited to our Garden Parties anymore until he stops being a Karen and starts respecting people who do unpaid labor. I'll sic Breha on him if he doesn't

Bail: Alright, c'mere

#Bail to Padmé: is this your man #id remember if Anakin and Padmé are having their relationship break at this point but she still takes him back so the point stands #I also firmly believe that Bail is the last person you want to make mad and if he gets mad you should be very scared #also if you go to the comments on the clip of that scene there are fucking i n s a n e ones there #one dude started to write his own fic to justify why he thinks fox sucks and some other comment called it 'fox derangement'#Imma start using that from now on #anyway Anakin has now been banned from Alderaan until he stops being a dick to retail workers #star wars #the cloner wars #commander fox #bail organa #bail/breha/fox

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kneecap-homicide · 4 months

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And that pretty much sums up the plot of 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea

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volfoss · 3 months

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do u guys like her...

#twist rambles #having to write the id for this like. heres all the diseases.#sorry im like... ive been researching on and off all day and i truly do think i could fix her. pray fo rme that buyee shipping wouldnt be #too bad bc i want her soooo bad #bjd posting #and shes DIRT CHEAP. 1000 yen. like thats NUTS. they keep having to put the auction back up bc NO ONE will bid on this thang.#anyways. i am pretty confident now after all the research that... i could remove the face paint and resculpt her nose and then. paint it #again lmao. thankfully cordula (my resinsoul li/my VERY pink doll) has also had to have been full head painted so like... it shouldnt be to #bad? and w already having a body that SHOULD perfectly fit (given i can figure out the neck connector lol) i can just... paint her head to #match the body if i do go thru w it. i dont normally get like... this focused on what i assumed was an impulse purchase (havent bought her #yet) but i just... i keep thinking abt her like. i genuinely curse the autism object empathy bc every day ive been like checking the sales #page to see if it will truly be MY burden to bear.#anyways. i am making this post to get thoughts on her. do you guys see the cuteness hiding under the scaries.#if i DID get her it would be a massive liveblog adventure as i clean her up so. know that if you are invested in me deyuckifying beasts lol

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adudelol-reblogs · 7 days

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i wanna make an arg

#adude.talks #adude.arg #like... i think it would be fun #idk if id ever get made (filmed) but i could write one down for fun #maybe smth do to with sc.... hmm if theyre okay with that it could be fun #idk how id work off of that though #i dont want to steal from m/h with the student film thing #but like . it could be about trying to make rr?#rr would be a fun arg in general but . not possible with my buget LMAO rr i love you feigns i love you but you are impossible to do cheaply #the film route like m/h always did was fun though ngl #ough i should bring my tumblr arg back to... able to properly do rr stuff there since its all online maybe #but i wanna script out a FILMED arg that sounds like so much fun #RAHH #so many ideas yet no ideas.......

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graham--folger · 2 months

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*through gritted teeth* what the fuck do people want from a resume

#this semester i've had three different people look at my resume and all three of them were like contradicting whatever the other person said #one said add references. the other said don't add references. the other said no add them back in #one said add color. one said only do black & white. one said no you should have color #also in terms of content they all differed as well like. guys i just want to get this fucking internship so i can get out of here #i appreciate the feedback but i think it's made me more stressed in the long run #alex’s inane ramblings #plus just now finding out im gonna need to do a fucking seminar probably in addition to my internship unless i want to do 4 credits of #internship. i fucking hate seminars. and it's taught by my advisor who i like. but he knows how fucking quiet i am and calls me out on it o #the daily. which gets on my fucking nerves let me tell you #im the most non-english-major english major to ever exist #don't make me talk. please dear god don't make me talk #plus in this seminar we would be writing a 20 page paper. on american romance lit.#sorry dr. phillis but that sounds godawful #and if i decide to do the seminar it conflicts with another class i need to take so id have to talk to my graphic design advisor about maki #a substitution #hell on earth. why the fuck is graduating so goddamn hard #i don't have enough credits to be staying an extra semester so i have to get this all wrapped up by december #alright im gonna shut up now. college is hard guys

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scorpiusmalfoylovesoscarwilde · 6 months

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the urge to write vs the urge to create a sim and make them a famous best selling author to live through vicariously

#writing is painful because i have to read it and physically cringe #playing sims is easy 😎😎😎👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻#i usually cheat and give them high skills and promote them but id do it propperrllyy this once #until i got impatient lmfao #or i could actually write but thats just 💀💀#i have some uni work to do but uh no #creative writing uni work i mean #one of my modules is fairytales ive gotta rewrite a fairytale for my assignment but i dont wanna #she wanted us to be creative with the fairytale we picked so i picked some random niche one from hans christain anderson called the rose elf #its actually so slay theres a murder lmao #and in my rewrite im turning the couple into lesbians because double slay #and also im giving the girl some lines and autonomy because in the original she meets up with her bf who gets murdered by her brother then #she cries for days then dies in her sleep from sadness so 💀💀 homegirl is gonna fight back for her GIRLFRIEND in my one <3 shell still cry #just she is not dying from sadness padme style okay she knows it was the brother but doesnt confront him in the original shes gonna be #kicking and screaming in mine plz and thank you #okay maybe i should write #sims 4 #writing

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themyscirah · 4 months

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If Red Lantern Rankorr has 1000 haters one of them is me. If he has 100 haters I'm there. If he only has 1 hater that is me. If no one hates him I am no longer on this Earth. I hate Rankorr. Fuck that bitch

LMAOO going through my drafts rn and damn I really hated this guy. I mean I still do but idk this is funny to me

#the fact that i have more drafts than followers...#which ok isnt that impressive theres like 30 of you guys but still all my shitty dc drafts #i say shitty but its really just a mix between posts that i feel like i havent read enough comics to back up fully and dont want to seem #ignorant about (comma) stuff thats more shippy than usual (still like incredibly tame though)#and then like the stupidest fuckin future 0 note posts youve ever seen #also like some reading guides and meta in progress but thats split between here and my notes app generally #its so funny though bc i always get my best ideas abt comics like 2 minutes before one of my classes start #and then i forget about it in my drafts #like theres an absolutely devastating (to me) jess one that has like 2 sentences written #which i should like actually write #what was i saying?#oh and theres a lot of reading guides/comic recs thats where i save those #which now after scrolling thru rlly makes me want to read #where tf was this post going again? oh i was laughing at me hating rankorr #if i wrote comics id ressurect him off panel just to kill him again. if hes dead. i dont remember if hes dead but i think so? who tf knows #blah #i can make a vers without my dumb little comment on here btw if anyone actually wants to rb this lol but i doubt it

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iloveyouitisruiningmylife · 1 month

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my sister called me and kept asking excitedly that what's happening in my life and

#like life as in. i can't say love life but like you know what's happening with the guys and the girls #girl #and i was so tired #am so tired #i just made up an excuse that im too physically tired too talk to cut the call and told her id call her back but i won't #i want to okay i really do I want to hear about her life what's going on but she's not that type of person jinke saamne #i can just divert the topic from myself avoid talking about me she's determined and caring like that😭#just. kya batau main #i spent the whole day working but really if i stopped doing anything for like 2 minutes all the last convos i had with everyone i #liked loved whatever started replaying in my head constantly making me feel all down and sad in public yk that empty heaviness inside chest #i mean. what is there to say. i feel truly pathetic #everyone just keeps leaving me. they decide one day that oh nope she's not for me not interesting anymore doesn't understand is too much #draining and destroys my peace and then they leave #it doesn't even matter the weight of the relationship #whether it's been a year of being in love or two weeks of talking till 5 am or a week of wishing me good morning and good night #every day. it doesn't matter they leave and they leave and they leave and they don't look back and im left to pick up the pieces go on #pretend to be okay and normal and fucking focused on like. studying accounts as if my heart isn't breaking #into a million tiny pieces everytime #i don't know how to tell her. the sister you love so much the sister you can't live without imagine life without. the #sister who you thought about holding on for because you couldn't do that to her leave her alone when you had suicidal thoughts. she's #she's actually deeply unlovable undateable unfuckable and like truly lonely and easy to let go of #i know she loves me and i know my bestfriend loves me and she would fall apart if i wasn't there for her #but it's not enough. i really wish it was. but it's okay it's enough for now it's enough to keep me going it's enough to make me not wanna #die yk? like i don't love myself enough to live for myself get better for myself but they need me so i need to be okay be happy because i #need them to be happy. and they're happy when im happy #does that make sense #okay bye i should really start writing a diary

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catkin-morgs-kookaburralover · 1 year

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how to not be overstimulated

#put music on - some of my very favourite stuff - and oh! it is making my hair stand on end! in not a good way! i am now on edge and i #don't! know! why!#if only all this would make SENSE >:(#no apparent trigger that i can perceive #back to our regular i want to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeee apparently #and there's no REASON for to be feeling like this it would be so much easier if there WAS #i want to do so many things but they involve Textures and No #knitting? i want to finish my cloak! im les than a row away from the border itself! excited! and its maybe at times getting cool enough i #could wear it! but the mere thought of perhaps i should knit to calm down sounds Too Much! because knitting has Texture!#piano? it has Sounds! and there's a slightly worrying trend beginning to emerge that piano makes me Feel Emotions! and it's been like at #least five times where ive gone to play the piano to calm down which helps to some extent but also helps to remove a numb feeling which is #overall good emotionally but it has ended up with me harming because i can't Deal with the Emotions! and i dont think this is a very good #trend! i could get out my colouring book i was given for my birthday and see if that helps but that also has Sounds! pencil on paper sounds #i could write but id have to work out a different scene because i cannot write the scene im up to rn bc it's hard enough when im #emotionally stable bc neither character knows what to do or say!#so many things i *could* do! i could go for a walk! too Bright #i could do All These Things If Only I Could #am i just making up all these difficulties and is it just my own stupid brain that's inventing things? Who Knows!!#and it's so unfair that eating makes everything *worse*#it shouldn't happen that way #it just shouldn't #i just want to die so bad #i wont do anything #not permanent i mean #tw suicidal ideation #tw sh #for the record i ate a meal like an hour and a half ago and ive hydrated #personal #im just so tired and pathetic and messed up :/

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realcowboysdrinkjuice · 7 months

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barely anyone follows me so this will get zero notes but i do not care i am so excited and need to share this somewhere

I GOT MY FIRST COLLEGE ACCEPTANCE LETTER!!!!! FOR THE UK!!!!! SO NO MATTER WHAT THE OTHERS SAY I HAVE A YES!!! AND IM SO EXCITED HOLY SHIT!!!! ITS ALL I WANTED!!!!!!

and i was so fucking scared especially with covid making my gap year long and making everything scarier but i did it and no matter what happens i have a place to go and things are finally moving forward again and holy fuvk i’m going to study illustration overseas like i wanted to before shit went BAD because OOF CLASS OF 2021 NOT A GOOD YEAR especially not a good year in the united states of america where they didnt do jack all to try and prevent it DEAR GOD !!!! bUT OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

usually i’d yell to my family but everyone is asleep oops because it’s almost 6 am my sleep schedule is WRECKED RN so nobody is awake and i did. text anyway cause it was big enough to do it anyways but i was still just yelling into the void so i’m yelling into the void here too