#i said absolutely no one and meant it

[moonbutters]

Absolutely no one: "You can't just be a shark"

Me:

#i'm shark #i'm also pony #i'm also a few other things #i'm me #hi #no one has actually said this #i said absolutely no one and meant it #shark #blacktip reef shark #reef shark #blacktip #therian

[aroanthy]

i love how fraught and complicated discourse around various utena characters ‘dying’ is when anthy is literally stabbed to death eternally by a million swords imbued with human hatred. and then utena gets stabbed to death by them also. like. ‘death’ is incredibly interesting in rgu because most of the time it’s this ambiguous figurative thing that has interesting implications re: ohtori as a closed-off world one can escape. we are all trapped in our coffins. mamiya is the only named character with a grave. nemuro memorial hall functions as one all the same. ruka is implied to have died in the hospital— was he dead all along? who was the boy we saw for these two episodes? is this dead boy the same boy, or is this just another coincidence from the shadow girls, cutting like a knife? it’s heavily implied that akio and anthy murder kanae by poisoning her, adding to the previous implication that they were poisoning mr ohtori too, but there are no perceptible consequences of this. kanae’s absence is not felt. she’s fed an apple slice. what happens to the bodies? we know what happened to the 100 boys, but what about everyone else? and so on and so forth. ‘death’ is a tricky thing in utena, i think it’s constantly functioning on figurative and literal levels in very different ways for very different purposes. dios died. dios was dying. dios didn’t die. he grew up. etc etc

#what am i trying to say here? #idk! think about all of the pieces you have #dying is complicated in ohtori in countless different ways #and i find it boring to see so much ‘this character is dead and that’s it’ stuff #when death is used farrrrrrr more figuratively than some ppl give credit for #and i think the movie too does wonderful things with death #and what ‘dying’ really means #being disbelieved. being forgotten. being rejected. haunting despite this #much more interesting to think about wrt commentary on abusive relationships than it is #to think about what?? oh me when my brother died but plot twist he’s alive and can walk on this road all cool. like????? #akio doesn’t have the power to make himself revenant #he THINKS he does and he absolutely has power when he’s alive and he imbues that power with such meaning that it does live on after him #but ANTHY. anthy is the one struggling with herself and her feelings and the impact of trauma and abuse (that power!!) in aou #he’s dead? he died? she brought him back through her memories? or she’s left him (metaphorical death) and he’s haunting her?? #all such interesting interpretations #i haven’t mentioned touga bc i don’t have the energy today. if dead and just illusion of others memories then why active. why awful #like in aou akio is only Obviously scummy when he’s alive. his illusory self is based upon anthy’s love for him #if anime!touga is nothing more than nanami/whoever’s memories of him before he died……. why does he actively choose to suck again and again #like nanami wouldn’t do that. unless it was meant to be a subconscious thing like ooo he’s dead all along but that’s not what her arc is #it’s not ‘he’s been dead all along’ literally or figuratively. it’s ‘he’s unsafe and i don’t want him’ #sigh. once again i am asking people to think about nanami and touga’s dynamic through touga’s eyes #it’s so interesting to me how people forget to consider his motivations or feelings on ANYTHING #like sure his motivations and feelings are scummy but they’re interesting!!!!! they intrigue me!!!! #compel me even #anyway ignore how i said i didn’t have the energy for this and then typed it all out anyway #dais.txt

[nichiperi]

happy birthday to meeee~ ヘ⁠(⁠￣⁠ω⁠￣⁠ヘ⁠)

#i have a lot of schmoopy feelings about this year #it started off as one the worst times of my life #but then somehow it morphed into the absolute best #i have a lot of appreciation and joy that i feel for a lot of people now that i feel like i can't adequately express #but i guess the point is i'm actually excited for the future for the first time in years #and i feel like i wouldn't have stumbled down this path if it hadn't been for the encouragement i got from people when i really needed it #i've been really inspired to work at improving my art and to be more open about it #i tried a lot of new things #not just artistically but in general #i'm happy i'm here! and i intend to keep being here and to keep making things that bring me joy. #weird weird things. i intend to get weirder and weirder hehehe. hope y'all are prepared! >:D #so to anyone who said anything nice about my art and writing since i've been here #i know it sounds schmaltzy but the stuff you said meant more than you know. thank you for letting me know you saw me.

[trentcrimminallybeautiful]

you know if we do accept the last epilogue-esque sequence as a sort of dream/wish of ted's and therefore not necessarily canon, very funny if we then simply go "yeah, trent's book is called 'the lasso way' actually. he didn't change that. nope."

#listen on one hand #i think that like #i don't think ted actually changed trent's mind about the title #i think trent changed it because ted asked him to #and like that's especially interesting bc he even made a point of being like #'tell me if you disagree with anything and i'll tell you why you're wrong' #but he respects ted; more than that he likes him and he wants him to like the book--like him #anyone else and trent would have told them to fuck off but ted? ted asking him to change the title? yeah #i think he didn't agree with 'it not being about him'--and not bc of any feelings he may have for ted--but if we accept that him changing #the title is canon then like. he did it because ted asked. nothing more nothing less #maybe he felt he owed it to ted as the subject of the book; maybe he just respected him too much not to #maybe it's partially bc of his feelings; maybe it's because he just couldn't say no to ted #but it's ultimately just. because ted asked him. #and trent respects him; trusts him; cares about him #and that's pretty heartwrenching #but like on the other hand if we say 'no that was ted's wishufl thinking trent definitely went 'sorry ted it's called the lasso way'' #also like.... him being like. like quietly not changing it and if ted said something him just. being like #ted. i respect you. i care about you. i trust you. but with all due respect absolutely not #yes it isn't ONLY about you but YOU made this happen. YOU are special and YOU have a place here whether you can stay forever or not #yes it's about the team and the coaches yes you aren't a one man band but ted. TED. you touched lives. you changed lives. and that was YOU. #that was you and your philosophy and your attitude. #you made richmond what it is today. yes the team deserve credit too for the kind of bond they have now but YOU facilitated that #none of the coaches currently here woudl be coaches if not for you. the diamond dogs wouldn't exist. literally every single one #of our friends--OUR friends--wouldn't be where they are and probably wouldn't be as happy #you got through to people over and over again who were hurting and lashing out. to rebecca. to roy. to jamie. to nate. to me. #and you can be humble but there's being humble and there's acting like you don't matter to any of us like you didn't have an impact #like you can just leave without a trace. we don't blame you for leaving--i especially don't--but acting like we won't miss you and like #your time with all of us--our time--meant nothing is more insulting than it is humble because we /love you/ #and yes. it was the goddamn lasso way that built this place #this community.

[skitskatdacat63]

2009 Brazilian Grand Prix - Mark Webber

#i thought mark deserved some gifs as well bcs even tho he won the race all the focus was on jense haha #the worst was when he got up to stand on top of his car and celebrate and then the feed instantly cut to jense pulling into parc ferme ;; #mark wins his 2nd gp and gets like probably a minute of podium footage LMAO #anyways i like the third gif bcs he looks like in a video game where the character's expression glitched #mark please talk with your hands more cmon i know you love it #the two moments where his hands are in frame absolutely had to be included(dedicated to dru hehehe) #(as always: my god the lighting in these pressers is absolutely horrible) #(it just makes everyone look so washed out and ghoulish LMAO) #(i said this before but still it astounds me. every time before i recolor them im like '...wait do i rly find this guy attractive?') #also i meant to finish this season during summer break but ran out of time!! so ig AD will be next week? #i could do it but like i dont wanna clash w zandvoort and ik its a podium i will rly like too so i dont wanna rush it #but ughhhhhh why does f1 coming back from break have to coincide with my school coming back from break #mark webber #f1 #formula 1 #formula one #we do a little bit of f1 #2009 brazilian gp

[paradoxgavel]

i think i should be allowed to cast Evil Wizard Spells on customers actually. i think that should be encouraged actually. i think that'd be cool and neat and fun actually.

#''uh excuse me this is meant to be on sale.'' #''oh! it is. i just need your advantage card. it'll take off the sale price after i scan your card.'' #''... but it's supposed to be on sale. and it's not coming up on sale.'' #''it... will! as soon as i scan your card! do you have one? if not there's a courtesy card i can scan for you. :)'' #''yeah i HAVE mine right here i just want to know why this isn't on sale as advertised.'' #''it is! it absolutely is. i just need to scan your card please. :)'' #*starts leaning over the counter to yell in my face* ''LISTEN I'M NOT PAYING FULL PRICE THE SIGN BACK THERE SAID--''

[widevibratobitch]

my god. skinny people really just have like. No Idea huh just absolutely not a single clue lmao it's almost funny to watch fr but then id lie if i said i wouldn't fucking kill to be able to be that ignorant

#girl i am SO sorry people react with surprise when you say you're studying to be an opera singer because you're #*checks notes* skinny and attractive. so so sorry that must be literal hell for you huh how will you ever recover :(((( #no no please keep talking about how equally bad that is to the brutal fucking fatshaming and ED glorifying #in the industry that me and the only other fat girl in the room were talking about before you interrupted us <3 #anyway. we were talking about this one review of a quite famous professional music critic whose only comment about a fat mezzo in the cast #was 'miss xyz.... lose some weight'. not a single word about her singing/acting/whatever. but yeah no you're too sexy for an opera singer #and THAT is the real problem here girl i totally understand yeah <3 thoughts and prayers dearest. #earlier that same day this same girl was standing next to me in her bodycon dress and went #*pointing at her stomach that's so flat its almost concave* 'ughhhh what do i have to do to not look pregnant in this dress 😩😫' #and i said 'girl' and just looked at her and like the sudden horrified realisation on her face was lowkey hysterical #like omg you really did forget you're not talking to your other skinny friends with whom you can pat each other on the backs #and reassure each other that 'dw girl ur not fat at all ur so so sexy!' huh sjshsjshsjs #but yeah i dont like making people uncomfortable irl so i did reassure her she looks hot and pretty and skinny as all shit #let at least one of us have a nice evening and not feel Absolutely Fucking Disgusting ig <3 #and the day before that after i saw our (last ever btw never photographing myself with them ever again <3) picture and had a mini break down #the other even skinnier and smaller and petite-er crouched down next to me with the most guilty fucking expression and quietly asked me #if im alright and do i want her to delete those pictures (that she posted on two separate social media pages) and like #the look of immense fucking pity on her was even worse than seeing those pictures #like i know she meant well and was trying to be nice but my god. this really is how you all see me huh #like looking like me would be fate worse than death for yall #not even gonna mention the thing i just learned this friday that the retired ballerina who leads our ballet classes said about me #trying to cheer up the other fat girl who happened to have a bit of an emotional breakdown in the middle of the class :))))))) #like i am sooooooo so glad and honoured to be an inspiration to you. really. always happy to help. the exemplary Fat Girl Who Fucking Sucks #But Doesnt Let It Bother Her <333333 #like on one hand. yeah it really does make me wanna jump off a cliff. but on the other. its just hilarious sjdgsjsgsj #you sure are right miss ma'am. i sure don't let this bother me at all. i am famous for my uncanny ability to Not Be Bothered by all this <33 #but shes new. its ok. how could she know about the last two years when i was getting panic attacks and sobbing myself to sleep every tuesday #but yeah no. [lauren cooper voice] am i bovvered? am i bovvered tho? i aint even bovvered!

[hand-of-devotion]

I’m having sooo many thoughts about The All-Minds-Burn right now for some reason.

Just. An old hivemind creature built up of beings sharing memories from their individually lived global experiences across time. Sharing their love, their loss, their very identities. Connecting to each other on one of the deepest imaginable levels.

Ending up in the belly of a city packed with miserable, traumatized, desperate, lonely people.

Scooping up those with nothing left to lose and a familiar bone-deep urge to be seen.

Learning that there are still more beings out there who feel that same bitter and mournful desire to see, know, experience, and connect with things out of their reach.

Wanting to take root up amongst the stars and share Exandria’s beauty just as much as they wish to know of Ruidus’.

#critical role #all minds burn #justi pross #my absolute beloved #I think allllll the time about #‘(she) comes forward and gives a big embrace’ #‘we’ll keep you safe’ #‘I- we can help’ #‘thank you for trusting me- us’ #‘I forgot how much I missed some of these people’ #‘it means they like you’ #‘there was a time in my life where I would’ve happily considered (joining the wavelength)’ #‘it wouldn’t be the dumbest thing I’ve done for you’ #the justi-ashton dynamic. augh…. I will never be convinced they’re not the one he meant when he said he might’ve been in love once

[taegularities]

being here has never felt this suffocating.. it feels impossible sometimes to continue

#i wish you'd talked to me about it instead of making a post with screenshots #because that was nothing i did intentionally... i didn't wake up thinking 'i will be racists today' it was a mistake i'm not proud of #i meant my apology and i said i understand when people are offended and that i'm sorry #i know it was wrong and i'm ready to learn from it to not hurt people anymore and idk why it warrants calling me a full racist #and i don't know how you saw that ask bc it was days (or yesterday? idk anymore) ago and you blocked me weeks (months?) ago #you'd have to actively seek that ask out or look through my posts if im blocked for you #and if it wasn't you but someone else who pointed it out for you idk how you guys got to the point of scanning my blog #if i ever hurt anyone im ALWAYS open to talking about it. i remember once using a word wrong and someone pointed it out on anon #and I've never used that word ever since #i would've immediately apologised and deleted that bit too if you'd texted me just one sentence a la 'hey that's so not okay' #and you did the same thing when i went alway last time... never communicating but going against me while so many others reached out to me #if i didn't see anything wrong about this thing now i wouldn't have made that post. im not scared of disagreeing with ppl #and i don't know what you want me to do? i didn't even know M when their thing happened and still felt bad for them.. me or those who are #defending me didn't go against M... how would you think it's the same people? idk man #idk.. i can apologise a 100 times and it won't be okay. and if i don't say anything im dodging the topic it'll never be enough no matter #what i do #reach out to me jords tell me what i can do bc i did NOT mean to ever hurt anyone and im so freaking sorry that i did #<— this msg especially to those who were directly hurt #idk what to do so you stop posting so many screenshots #if you want ppl to stop supporting me then...yeah idk guys stop supporting me — unfollow me it's absolutely okay bc i know that was #uneducated af of me #to all sweet ppl who reached out thank you i see your messages #i'll see all those that'll come too.. i just wont answer so no one drags y'all #thank you that's it #go ahead and screenshot this too. i can't do anything else anymore #also.. the only parts i edited in my apology were 'i didn't mention japanese' and 'i dont feel superior' which i did after waking up cos #my post was made at 5am after randomly waking up during the night #edit: stop sending my friends asks saying i deserved this. i never told anyone to defend me.. they CHOSE it and they're allowed to #that's it... thank you guys and ily #ill brb. not too long just a bit

[dreamly]

i agree with a lot of music fans and journalists/critics/artists that “lockdown”/“pandemic”/“quarantine” albums usually aren’t great and also don’t do very well, but i do think there is one truly incredible (at least in quality i haven’t looked at numbers and tbh i don’t really care) and maybe not the most obvious exception (well maybe it is obvious but i don’t see this album talked about a lot since like the month it came out and i don’t think i’ve seen it talked about in the conversations about art inspired by covid-19/lockdowns). anyway can we play a little game where you guys guess what album it is (this might help me find more good music or at least music you think i’d like as well as be [hopefully] fun!)

#i would also exclude folklore/evermore and unreal unearth from that statement not just bc i think they’re great but mostly bc i wouldn’t #call them ‘pandemic’ albums #like obviously folklore and evermore were made during that time but only two songs on folklore reference the pandemic/lockdown/isolation and #it’s sort of referenced in the sound in that both of those albums are generally quieter for taylor and that might reflect the actual #emotions of isolation and loneliness but i don’t think the sound necessarily reflects/refers to the actual material conditions of #lockdown or covid-19 #rather folklore/evermore contain just a few lyrical and sonic references to the emotions caused by that situation but again. not as many as #there were initially perceived to be #side note i think actually the most ‘lockdown’ song on folklore or evermore is mirrorball #and i think the reason mirrorball works so well is that despite the fact that both the overall concept of the song and the lyrical content #seem to directly reference covid-19 lockdowns and closures #it (mirrorball) is still extremely relatable #and i think what’s absolutely true about the album i’m referring to in the actual text of the post #is that it is at least mostly very relatable for most people (although probably for women in particular) #and actually i would say that the album im talking about has very similar themes and concepts to mirrorball but translates and expands upon #them into the form of an entire album #ok very long side note over. in terms of unreal unearth not being a lockdown album it’s true that andrew has literally said it’s not one #but also there aren’t even any small lyrical sonic or conceptual references to the pandemic like i mentioned there are a few on folklore #and evermore. #i did watch an interview where andrew says there /might/ be one lyrical reference but i can’t find it (message me if you know what he meant) #i would call unreal unearth something that i think andrew is understandably hesitant to refer to it as #and that is a breakup album #and i think the reasons he’s hesitant to call it that is that sometimes when people say a piece of media is about a breakup they use that to #reduce both the emotions and experiences covered in the work and the quality of the work #but i also think that in music specifically breakup albums are often (not always. often) a seminal important and iconic moment in a career #and are in many cases considered by many to be the best or at least the most iconic albums by an artist #examples of that include Rumours and even Red #congrats if you read all these tags you’re a real champ #i have so much to say about this topic and topics related to it sorry! #love ya and please take a guess

[jasontoddenthusiastt]

Absolutely hysterical (the implication that Jason ever perceived Damian as such an irredeemable and dangerous threat to the Gotham population the way any of the rogues or drug kingpins are, and that Jason would’ve tried to kill him following this reasoning).

#well that was a new one #my brother in Christ. the rogues by design are never meant to undergo permanent redemption arcs because they play a crucial role #in enabling and validating Batman’s ethos and character arc #Damian wasn’t designed with that template in mind he was literally designed to ‘undergo redemption’ #and the one time Jason shot Damian in the chest in bftc wasn’t even because he viewed him as a villain it was literally bftc bs #i am so confusion right now #in the REST of canon his primary perception of the child is literally that. a difficult and arrogant child #who he still considers like a brother/family despite their conflicts #ya know. the same way he views the rest of the batfam. #I mean did you read Batman and Robin 11 #Jason was the only one acting as a loyal and caring family member #that’s not to say Damian is to blame for what he said to Jason in the beginning cuz he’s literally a child #and Jason knows this hence he says kid calm the fuck down you dk what you’re talking about #however. the one who IS to blame was Bruce and what he did in that was absolutely despicable and the vilest shit I’ve ever read #of what a parent would do to his own kid #but that’s another story #not a single dull day in the bat fandom huh #kelseethe

[babylon5]

im gonna be real with you,

#i found out i cant go to the concert ive been looking forward to since December #for a band that has meant everything to me since i was 13 #because the shuttle isnt accessible like it claimed to be and we have a 10 minute walk from its dropoff location #which i can do in a wheelchair but my mom cannot #and my able bodied cousin swore she'd take me she said absolutely she would take me!! and then she said oops nevermind Last Week. #my mom made new plans to take me and this was a FUCKTON of money lost because she bailed on us #and now my mother is crying because my cousin still hasnt paid back any of the money we lent her years ago #and now we've just lost more #and im on disability the only one here with an income btw lol what we spent was half my monthly paycheck!! #im tired of this world not being accessible to the disabled #im tired of people disappointing me on purpose #she didnt even bail to us directly she had her mother (my moms sister who have a deeply uncomfortable relationship) call my mom and inform- #her that her daughter was suddenly bailing because she doesnt like concerts ?!? after promising multiple times?? ok. #sorry this is an insane vent im just. IM TIRED. I am so tired. #it was supposed to be the first good and genuinely fun day for me in months.

[celestialwife]

sometimes i just think about poe and it's like. i can't believe you mean this much to me? literally ahead of tfa i just kept scoffing at the descriptions of him, completely expected to be benevolently annoyed with him or meh at best and didn't understand why everyone went off abt how oscar was attractive (like i could tell objectively, but it's rare that i find someone subjectively attractive on a deep level), and then i just. saw poe for the first time on screen in theaters and that was it. instant attraction, and then a few minutes later realizing that oh, no i'm genuinely in love with this man. instant ride or die, we just clicked. i got him on a deeply intimate level just from those few minutes of screentime he has in the movie, that nothing about him following that ever surprised me? just. yeah that's him this makes sense.

and i remember writing what was absolutely self-insert masquerading as canon where r.ey was his best friend and i genuinely meant for it to be platonic but i kept accidentally writing a little bit something more and i genuinely think looking back on it that i probably had a crush and a squish on poe? and he may have started queerplatonic, leaning on alterous (if i'm understanding the term right). like it wasn't straight platonic because i genuinely had/have such a crush on him but it definitely wasn't straight romantic at the time either (and i still have moments where i'm like. yeah i'm definitely feeling qp feelings for him and not romantic ones). and then sometime in 2017, something I guess shifted and I wrote in an oc into that same fic who had a history with him and they both still had feelings for each other and they kissed at the end of the story but didn't wind up with each other, and then i started reading reader fic for him that same year and was like. oh I actually don't mind the idea of kissing him....i kinda wanna. and i also don't mind the idea of a relationship if it's with him, i even want it?

and like ofc things went sideways from there. i stopped reading fic bc my friend made fun of me for reading it and i felt like i was doing smth "wrong" and then the gaslighting of everyone hating him in t.lj when i didn't also severely impacted my ability to be able to enjoy him properly without trying to fold up my actual opinions to 'fit in' more and feeling anxious and not getting to enjoy it, but he was still such a cornerstone of comfort for me at the time. i even wrote my first reader fic in late 2018 to get some comfort from how awful things were in my personal life and it was of him. and then t.ros happened and the fandom got so toxic along w some friend stuff that my spin in poe almost broke (or so i thought), but like?? i spent the whole next year constantly drawn to things that reminded me of poe....read a book that was compared to the st and him a lot....bought a lot of orange things without thinking about it, developed a crush on a character that's like. basically poe with the serial numbers scratched off. all until i found my way back to him at the end of 2020 🥰 and after that i started embracing reader fic again and my romantic feelings for him and then lmao the physical/sexual attraction came in like a wrecking ball shortly thereafter which was New To Say The Least, but.

eeee i don't know i ended up gushing a lot about him but i just. sometimes i really think about the journey i've had with him, and how much good he's genuinely brought into my life. i get to feel all these emotions i never thought i would!! because of him!!! i get to explore new avenues that i wouldn't be interested in or comfortable in pursuing even mentally bc of him!!! he's helped me work through various triggers for my trauma bc they feel safe with him involved? and most importantly - i wouldn't know any of my lovely friends or partners if it wasn't for him? i stuck around in the fandom bc of poe, and that lead me right to my queerplatonic partners and family. i genuinely would not!! be the same person today if i had not fallen in love with that silly flyboy december 20th 2015!!! and isn't that just love in a nutshell?

#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i don't normally gush but i'm heavily caffeinated rn moreso than i've been in months #i just!!!!!!!!! i cannot believe!!! #sometimes i worry when i like. mildly dissociate thinking about him and my love/interest in him bc one time that genuinely broke a spin bc #i realized it was not doing anything for me positively. but with poe everytime i'm just like #my life would genuinely not be as joyful as it is if it weren't for you. i would not be who i am today if it wasn't for you. #(tch. might not be here generally speaking) #i just. i really went from scoffing at him to 'oh no he's hot' to 'oh i'm in love' to 'i want to be his best friend in a really intimate #way' (cos i didn't know what qp/alterous was at the time) to 'i might want to kiss him but i wouldn't imagine myself w him' #to 'oh. actually i don't mind thinking about kissing him or being in a relationship w him. actually i /want/ that.' #to having to swallow my feelings for him to be diplomatic/avoid conflict for two years while still utterly adoring him and being in love w #him to subconsciously finding my way back to him!!!!! #and deciding with grim determination i'd continue loving him as much as i wanted no matter what anyone else said and YES that meant getting #kiss him on his pretty mouth. and shipping my self insert with him PROPERLY where they end up together. #and then realizing stuff that's less pg-13!!!! but no less mind blowing. like i had THAT setting. what the hell. #i just. what a journey. #he's my sweet flyboy my absolute beloved my best friend my starlight i love him to pieces u guuuuuuuuuuuys #i've had a lot of comfort characters over the years and a handful of special interests - none of them have meant as much to me as poe #he is genuinely a part of me and who i am he's my soulmate and i wuv him #okay i'm done #nym speaks #flyboy 🧡

[plumbley-bee]

I will not regret having loved.

I don't mean I won't be sad, and my heart won't ache over connections I've lost.

I don't mean I always forgive people who have betrayed my trust and hurt me.

I don't mean I haven't loved the wrong person before.

I mean, the day I regret having felt love at all is the day I fear I will truly lose myself in every way that matters.

Even if I no longer hold any love for someone, I can not regret having felt it in the first place.

Why on earth should I regret the part of me that loves when it is my favorite thing about myself? Why should I shame myself for feeling the very same thing that allows me to have friends to hug and laugh with and milestones to celebrate?

I refuse to feel at fault for having felt something so beautiful and untouchable as love. I can not with good conscience condemn the version of me that loved when I didn't know why I shouldn't have. I will not punish myself over having found something worth loving, even for only a few seconds.

So I will weep for the connections I've lost, and I will do so proudly.

I will scream and cuss and cry at and about the people who have hurt me, and I will do so proudly.

I will laugh and hug and celebrate the people in my life, and I will do so proudly.

I will do these things with all the love I've ever felt etched into my heart, and I will do so proudly.

#fuck #yeah #anyway #ignore this #I'm just rambling #if anyone thinks this is stemming from a breakup im so sorry #but its absolutely not #this post is about the friends and family i have loved and even still love throughout my life #i cannot stress enough how much love as an emotion means to me #familial love #platonic love #romantic love #even the love you feel for that random person you saw give their dog kisses in their car at a gas station #please understand #it is essential for me to love #if I regret the love I ever felt for every person who has hurt me I dont think I'd be able to love the people who haven’t quite the same #i love my brother and even though he never wanted me as a sister when we were kids i dont regret loving him then #and even though he sucks a lot and used to suck even more in the past I still don't regret loving him now #he can't take that away from me. #no one can #mitski is this what you meant #when you said your love was yours and only yours? #because my love really truly is just mine alone

[ereborne]

Song of the Day: March 25

"Groovy Little Summer Song" by James Otto

#song of the day #it's not at all summer yet but it is spring!! #it's chilly when the wind blows and the dew-damp sticks around until noon but the sun is out and the sky is maybe not clear but close! #spring!!!! #I put my first early plantings in the garden today #I had planned for a bunch of marigolds but I got a different batch of flowers instead #so now what's down is rootings for a bunch of perennial flowers #sea holly and red-hot pokers and butterfly weed and hollyhocks #and then my little pea plants #I told Kelly I'd share pictures but for today it only looks like a square of dirt--I'll definitely share pics when my sprouts come in!! #beautiful beautiful garden times #summer of 2010 when this song came out was the first time in three-ish years I'd spent much continuous time with my family #my littlest siblings were old enough to be away from Mom for a while and still young enough to be lulled to sleep by the car #and Mom was very eager to be left home alone to sleep (and play this weird chicken bowling game she was briefly addicted to) #and so we went on a lot of long leisurely pointless car rides and we listed to a lot of #(I will never not hear this in my head) 96.9 The Kat! country music radio #and this got added to the short list of songs I sang to myself #it's so catchy!! cute fun moderately-bouncy little earworm and my voice cruises up and down it so easy #'when the days start gettin warmer / the sun starts sinkin slower / weekends go by faster / and beer starts tastin colder #wanna tune into a station / takes me on a soul vacation / hey there mister dj / come on won't you please play' #and crucially Dad did not mind this song--which could not be said for 'There Is No Arizona' by Jamie O'Neal #or (after I sang it approximately ninety million times) 'Just What I Do' by Trick Pony #we also had--this was very fun for me--we had exactly one CD we could play in the car (because it was stuck in the disk player) #and that was Joe Diffie's 'Third Rock From The Sun' #so many songs of absolute joy on that album. lucky as hell that Dad agreed because it meant we'd crank it up so loud #close my eyes and let the sun shine all red through my eyelids #sing some real dumbass enjoyable-as-all-getout songs at the top of my absolute voice #Dad laughing and singing along and the littles sleeping through the all of it like the precious babies they were #these are the songs of sunshine and pointless happiness! it's not summer but it will be! my garden doesn't have plants yet but it will! #sing a song!!

[holyviolence]

omg i spent the whole day cleaning my entire apartment because my family was coming to visit and 1) so so so happy my adhd is being medicated now it's literally changing my life and 2) i FINALLLY got through to my dad about how he probably has ADHD too!!!!! he finally said Yeah i think i might have adhd. and my mom was like Me too (we've had this talk privately before, she knows she has adhd too lol) And my brother is literally transferring to a different school because he can't concentrate and isn't disciplined at his current uni. adhd family.

#literally thank goodness my brother was here to like Perfectly describe in real time what happens to adhd people when they go to college for #the first time. there's less structure and you fall apart. i used that as an opportunity. #i've slowly slowly slowly been chipping away at my Entire family btw. i've finally convinced my dad that medication is a GOOD THING. #i said You know. there's a lot in life that you feel like you Have to live with. but being on meds has made life so much easier and happier. #and that's when my dad finally said it. #:^) sometimes i like..... think about my family and how complicated i feel because growing up was super tough with all of them but now they #are all better people..... and i can't help but feel proud because as much as it is ABSOLUTELY great job for THEM for getting there But i #also feel uhhh partly responsible because i was constantly calling them out for shit. not always in the best way #but always standing up for others and challenging them on their worldviews and just casually talking about more liberal (as in free. not #politically) things. yes i do feel like if it wasn't for me my family would be worse people #i KNOW one of my brothers would be because he literally told me so. and it makes me happy. it is proof that my life is worthy and i have a #good impact on the world. it doesn't have to be a big thing i do to change things..... because i believe in the Ripple Effect #my dad is a teacher and he uses the proper pronouns for his trans students without complaint now. that has a good impact on SO many people #the trans students and their classmates who hear their teacher respect them. my brother is no longer homophobic he's bi lol and #if i hadn't argued with him about what bisexuality meant bc he was Wrong when i was 18 and he was 16... i wonder.... #my younger sister is one of the nicest kids i've ever met and i partly raised her. it feels great to see her be such a good kid #her best friend is a trans girl and when she first came out my sister was one of two people in their class who still wanted to be #her friend. #idk. just inspires me to keep being the best person i can be & always do what's right even if it makes people mad #bc no one can hurt me as much as my family has traumatized me (lol) and look what happened to them!! i didn't give up! and i see real change