#i remember one specific time back in october where i was sitting in Bible class utterly unable to stop the most horrible thoughts going

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

if you struggle with mental health, one piece of advice i would genuinely give you is learn to knit.

or crochet: something repetitive to do with your hands, assuming you're capable of it. if you're like me and learnt to knit as a kid but let it lie fallow for a long time, it may be that starting a large, simple project (for me it was a cloak, but a blanket could work too) gets you back into it. or maybe doing something smaller, idk. i personally found socks really hard for a while because they felt smaller than my cloak but weren't getting Done quick enough for me. as i've sped up i find it more interesting to knit socks.

regardless, a repetitive task is great for emotional regulation (also see: autistic stimming), and something that you can look at and go hey i've done something, unlike simply using a fidget toy, can also help to pick your mood up when the brain is being cruel.

it's also useful as a conversation starter or distracter if you don't know what to talk about. if you're wanting to talk to older people also you're more likely to reel them in with knitting (i work better with older people, and 99% of people who ask what i'm knitting are older than me). it also gives you the opportunity to not make eye contact because you're busy knitting, even if you're still carrying on a conversation. if you're absolutely stuck for conversation you can count your stitches and people might stop bothering you.

if you have trouble focusing without doing something with your hands, you can knit! i knit a lot in church, and it helps me to focus on what's being said.

i probably have more reasons you should pick up knitting, but i can't recall them right now, so yeah.

#knitting #catkin knits #i remember one specific time back in october where i was sitting in Bible class utterly unable to stop the most horrible thoughts going #through my head. i was knitting as fast as i've ever knitted. no exaggeration to say i was knitting to stop myself from attempting to die. #and afterwards i sat there in the corner knitting for all i was worth. just repeating to myself 'not now. i am not killing myself now.' #and someone saw me in the corner frantically knitting and came to ask if i was ok. and asked how my mental health was. #must've been end of oct bc it was the first wednesday after i was out of psych ward. and i was having lots of thoughts about the method #i'd used for what is still my most recent suicide attempt. which was in october. and i had the means with me. #it would have been a horrible thing to do. to kill oneself at Bible class. with children around. but i wasn't in a particularly hinged stat #of mind at the time. that's approximately the only clear memory i have of that time in fact. #anyway idk why im thinking of that rn when im fine

[lovemesomesurveys]

Why did you last feel like crying? This past weekend I was just extra moody and on the verge of tears.

How long ago and why did you last feel infuriated? I get easily irritated and frustrated, but it’s been awhile since I’ve felt infuriated.

Do emotions control you or do you control your emotions? My emotions got control over me a few years ago and I haven’t been able to gain it back. :/

Do you keep your friends secrets/private information to yourself? Yes.

What negative quality do your friends bring up the most? I wouldn’t want friends who did that. I do that enough myself as it is, I don’t need anyone else pointing out all my negative qualities all the time.

What quality do you think you have that others don’t think you do? I don’t know. I feel like people in my life overestimate my abilities rather than the other way around. I feel a lot of pressure to maintain that illusion. <<< Same in regards to feeling like people overestimate my abilities. Although, in terms of the long list of negative qualities I believe I have, my loved ones would disagree on a lot of them.

Do you often “jump” to conclusions? Yeppp. Always the worst ones, too.

Do you find being alone with strangers scary, interesting or indifferent? It could be scary depending on the situation, but I’d definitely feel anxious and uncomfortable.

Do you think you know a lot about the world? There’s a lot more I don’t know.

Do you know first aid?   No. 

Does the sight of blood make you feel sick? Y Yes. It makes me feel weak. I can’t even look when having blood drawn and getting it done makes me sweaty and weak.

Does your first name have an L in it? Nope.

Middle name have a C in it? Nope.

Last name have a R in it? Yes.

Do your initials spell a legitimate word? If so, what?  Nope. The word above, does it have any connection to you at all? 

Do you prefer classic rock or nope alternative? Nope alternative?

Do you like Kings of Leon? Yeah. I loved when Sex on Fire first came out.

How about The Script? Yes.

Does crying make you feel better? Sometimes.

Do you know a girl called Becca? Nope.

How about a guy called Gregory? No.

Does someones background effect whether you’ll be friends with them or not Uh, well yeah. Like if they have a sketchy background or have done things I’m not comfortable with.

How about their religious background? I’d have a problem with a satanist or if they were involved in a cult.

If someone admitted cheating in a past relationship of theirs, would you trust them? That would likely make things complicated, but I guess it would depend on the situation. Although, you’re likely just getting their side of it and it may not be accurate or they’re leaving things out that paint them in a better light than their ex. It would just really, really depend on the situation and it’d take a lot of communication.

Do you drink tea and/or coffee every day? Coffee, yes.

Did you ever want to be a cook as a kid? No.

How about a fashion designer? No.

Do you wish that magic was real? I mean sure it’d be dope to make something you want appear or happen whenever you want. It could also be tricky, though, and used for the wrong reasons.

What food would you love to wipe off the face of the earth? I’m picky, so there’s a lot of foods I don’t like, but plenty of other people enjoy them so I’m not going to wipe it off the earth just cause I don’t like it.

Can you use a bottle opener? Yeah...

Do you own a cheese grater? Nope.

What time will it be in 38 minutes time? 4:26AM.

What day/date will it be in 11 days time? May 25th. Damn.

Have you ever owned a pet fish? Y Yep. I had a fish tank full of fish as a kid.

Do you prefer fire or ice? Fire in terms of bonfires and in a fireplace for the comfy, coziness of it and I love the smell of it during the fall. I don’t use ice in my drinks, so, not a big fan.

Do you rap along with rap songs? Ha, well my attempt to rap along.

When happy, do you become more talkative? Yeah.

Bowling or sailing? Why? Bowling I guess if I had to pick out of the two. Have no interest in either one, though.

What colour is your kettle? I don’t have one.

How about your microwave? Black.

Do you prefer sitting in the front or back of a car? Front.

How about in a train? On the bus? I’ve always had to sit in the middle on buses cause that’s where the wheelchair spots are.

Do you care about politics? I admit that I really haven’t been following closely these past few years. I used to pay more attention, but I just... can’t. It’s too much.

Obama or Bush?

Blair or Brown?

When did you last cook something from scratch? I don’t cook from scratch. The only cooking I do is packaged ramen.

What things make you jealous? Im rarely jealous. <<< Same. I feel envy more than jealousy.

Do you think the censors/fcc go a bit too far or are just right?  I am confused as to why it’s okay certain curse words but not others. And I really don’t get why in “asshole” just the “hole” part is bleeped out lol. Do you feel hungry, thirsty, sleepy or none of the above?  Right now I’m just sleepy.

What’s your Mum’s Mum called? How about your Dad’s Dad? Lupe/Charles. 

Do you prefer crepes, pancakes or waffles? Waffles and crepes.

Do you have ice-cream in your fridge right now? I think we have some.

How about chicken nuggets? Not chicken nuggets, but my brother has a bag of chicken wings.

Do you eat fish often? Never. I hate seafood. <<<< Saaaame.

Have you ever taken a martial art? Which one{s}? Nope.

Do you know anyone who is scared of you? I can’t imagine anyone being afraid of me, a stick thin, super shy, and awkward af girl. haha.

What person who has died would you bring back and why? I wouldn’t mess around with bring people back from the dead. I believe I’ll see them again one day.

Do you like watermelon? Yeah. I couldn’t tell you the last time I had any, though.

Can you remember the month of your first kiss? October. I remember that because it happened at my high school drama department’s haunted house. 

Do you make friends easily? No. I also don’t try to to be honest.

What makes you different from everyone else? DNA <<< Hahaha welp that most certainly does.

I give you a piece of paper. What do you draw/write on it? I’d do random doodles and write random words in cursive cause that’s what I do when I doodle.

What pictures or photos are up in your lounge? Is that like the living room? If so, we have a few framed photos on the shelves we have.

Do you like purple and white patterned things? Sure.

Do you know anyone called Pipa? No.

I say purple, you think… It’s my mom’s favorite color.

What do you think is the most interesting thing about you? Nothing.

Do you like being complimented or does it make you uncomfortable? They’re nice, I’m just super awkward.

Does the description of your starsign correspond with your personality? Nope. I’m so opposite of how a Leo is described.

Do you have a photo album? Yeah, several old photo albums (physical ones) and several on Facebook and my phone.

What artists paintings do you find the most beautiful? I don’t necessarily go for beauty in art. My favourite painters are Dali, Kandinsky, and Klimt. Weird over beauty for me. <<< That’s how I am. One of my favorites is The Scream by Edvard Munch. I like the melting clocks one by Dali, too.

What about the most disturbing? Hmm. There’s definitely paintings I’ve seen that I thought were disturbing, but of course I can’t think of a specific one at the moment.

Have you ever gone to a camp or summer school? I’ve been to two camps: science camp and Girl Scout camp. I also had to do summer school once in the 6th grade cause I missed a lot of school due to spending months in the hospital and at home after having surgery. I voluntarily took a few summer classes in college.

What was your favourite cartoon as a child? A lot of the stuff that was on Nickelodeon, Disney Channel, PBS, WB Kids, and Saturday morning cartoons on ABC.

What was your biggest fear as a child? Bugs.

Would you rather be able to fly or breathe underwater? Fly.

What about invisibility or mindreading? Invisibility.

Do you like what you see in the mirror? Nopeee.

Can you remember all your past teachers names? Not all of them, but a lot of them.

Do you like talent shows? Which ones? I enjoyed when we had talent show assemblies in elementary school. Those were fun.

Have you ever failed an important exam? In what? Yes, in math.

Do you find people taller than you intimidating? Just about everyone is taller than me.

Do you think you are better than people of a different country/background? Wow, absolutely not. I don’t think I’m better than anyone.

What’s your favourite thing about your country? We have our issues and I know other countries make fun of us, but we have a lot of good qualities and I like where I’m from.

Who is your favourite bzoinker? I don’t go on there.

What websites do you have bookmarked? The ones on the toolbar are Google, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube, Pinterest, and a couple PDFs from Bible studies.

Do you use bows and ribbons to decorate your gifts? Yeah. I love wrapping presents and making them look all nice and pretty.

Do you listen to the same type of music as your parents? What type is that? We like a lot of the same, yeah. Especially my mom and I.

What TV show scared you as a kid? Are You Afraid of the Dark haha but I also loved to watch it. That intro is what really got me. Oh, and Unsolved Mysteries. That was a show about real life mysteries and murders and such. 

Family Guy, The Simpsons or South Park? Why? Out of the three I’d pick Family Guy, but I’m not into any of them. My family loves Family Guy so I see parts of episodes here and there all the time and I’m familiar with it. Sometimes it’ll give me a little chuckle.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

[heartlites]

so. i havent really written here in a long time, i mostly share my mundane thoughts and daily happenings on my twitter anymore. lately though, i’ve had a lot on my mind in regards to a large number of things, one of which being my relationship with religion and my faith in general. i don’t really think i can talk about it on twitter simply because there is too much for me to say just for a tweet chain, and these feelings are kinda... i don’t know, more intimate? i’m a little more hesitant to share them with a larger audience anyway. 

and so, after many years of not really talking much here at all, i am going to dive into my relationship with religion and i will probably post here every so often about it as i try to connect with a goddess who reached out to me, isis.

i’ve spent my life in the bible belt of the us. i grew up in a very christian environment and i was involved in several different sects of christianity that are all kind of really fucked up. when i was a very young child, my mother and us were apart of a mormon church and though i cannot remember a lot, i do remember how utterly bizarre the “culture” was. even after my mother left the church, people from that mormon church would still come to our house and even followed us to our new address when we moved. it was very surreal. 

my oma is catholic, too, and took me to plenty of services when i was young. i didn’t go a whole lot because i was rather restless as a kid and i could not stand how long their services were. the decorum of the catholic church and the sense of catholic guilt has followed me in life. 

primarily, though, i grew up a baptist, and that is... its own can of worms. it was not a good experience. i have described my relationship with god and christianity in the past to a friend as “god haunts me” and that remains to be true. i feel it most when i see small, old abandoned churches in the countryside. little tiny, one room building. plain white walls with crosses. its not a comforting feeling or sight. it really does feel like being haunted. it make me feel afraid. so much of christianity’s teachings, especially those of the baptist faith, are rooted in the principal of fear. when i think of god and christanity i feel nothing but fear, fear of judgement, and just.. i dont know. theres a lot. 

but at the same time, this is made ever more complex because i truly do feel i had very religious feelings and experiences where it was... it was a deep moment? im not sure how to explain it. it mostly happened during worship through gospel / song when i’d sing and i’d feel so... im not even sure how to describe it. but i could feel goosebumps rise on my skin, i would feel light, like my soul was touched. in rare moments, i did feel “closer to god.” acknowledging those feelings, in my mind, means i would have to acknowledge that god as he is, is real, but if i acknowledge that then that means... there can be no other gods, as christianity teaches. 

some distinct memories i have with my experience in the baptist church i went to as a child is, once, when i was very young, i remember hearing the verse that “for god is a jealous god” in relation to the worship of idols / other gods and why we should not do so and you must worship him and him above all others during one sunday school session. when i was young, that struck me as something so very... off. jealousy is a flaw, as i understood it when i was young, but god is supposed to be perfect, and therefore... if he is jealous, then he cant be perfect. i dont remember all of what was exactly said but i do remember not being satisfied with the answer i was given in sunday school.

the last sunday school i ever attended and what drove me away in the end was when i was a teenager, and the lesson somehow pivoted to how people who worshipped different faiths (i.e. the islamic faith, the jewish, buddhists, etc) were wrong and needed to be shown the right path. that did not sit well with me at all and i vocally argued that. more or less, i spoke of tolerance and acceptance of other religions. this went against a core ideology of the baptist sect of christianity, which is conversion more or less. baptists believe very strongly in preaching the word of god to others, to the point of being intolerant of other religions. the topic of lgbt people came up too and how they were not “right” either but we could/should still tolerate them despite their sins. after that sunday school class, i received a book from the church tilted “god in other religions” and i was so pissed off and offended that i threw it away and never went back. 

and now, here i am, in my mid 20′s, and i am trying to understand and explore my relationship with religion. despite my vague interest in paganism, i haven’t truly really tried to explore it. i was afraid, to be honest. i was afraid of being one of those “sinful” people who ‘worshipped false gods’ or whatever. there was too much drilled into the back of my mind, and i still could not quite shake those feelings i had where i did feel ‘connected’ to god. now though, i am starting to feel, i guess, a stronger pull. 

in about october of last year, 2020, there was a strange little happenstance that occurred with me where, while i was away and caring for my grandpa after his surgery, i had gone into his kitchen on a whim. i was eating something and aimlessly looking out his back window when i looked down and in his sink, there was a bird. a wren, to be specific. it was uninjured and i have no idea how it got there, the door and windows had been closed, but i picked it up in a paper towel and set it outside. later that day, it was gone. 

it was so bizarre that... i felt like it had to be a sign of something, from someone. two of my friends, nat and magda, asked their pendulums each and were able to tell me it was isis who was reaching out to me. since then, that has been in the back of my mind but i have yet to truly act on it. ive been... kind of afraid to, i suppose? i am just unsure. nat said something that profound stuck with me that relationships with gods in paganism was not just blind faith like with christianity, but a relationship where you work with them. that was hard to wrap my head around at the time. like! it makes sense. but my upbringing has made it hard for me to approach. 

i have just been thinking about this more and more lately. i want.. to try, but i dont really know where to begin. do i build a shrine? do i pray? is it too late for me to reach out to her? im not sure. im struggling with taking the first steps and it feels like trying to learn how to walk all over again. i dont have much more to expand on this other than that... i want to try and connect with isis. to really form that relationship, but now i am afraid i have waited too long and she might reject my faith or whatever. i dont know. i feel so alone and like a baby trying to navigate all this. 

#dont really know how to tag this but its just my struggles with religion #sharing a lot of my fears anxieties and concerns #dont know what to do in the end still.

[konglindorm]

I don’t remember the first time I read Prince Lindworm, but I do remember the first time I understood it. It was the spring semester of my freshman year of college, and I was sitting in the left front corner of my British Literature class. As usual, I had two notebooks open—one for class notes, and one for anything actually interesting that I thought of while paying slightly less attention to class than I should have been.

On this particular day, I was neglecting Byron in favor of speculating on why, when the Lindworm’s spell was broken, we just forgot about the dead girls and everything was hunky dory. Then I thought about his mom eating the flowers, and suddenly, the whole ridiculous thing made sense. It’s a Christian allegory.

You start out with a woman eating something she was specifically told not to eat. Hello, Eve. Nice to see you—it’s been a while.

Because of the mother’s dietary choices, the child is born cursed. Fall of man. Then along comes our girl, and she’s willing to give her life for the sake of her kingdom, because she rocks. And because of her sacrifice (see: Crucifixion), our fallen man is redeemed, i.e. returned to humanity.  And when this happens, when he is purified by her sacrifice, all of his sins are forgiven. He is embraced by the father and immediately welcomed home.

The basic structure of this story is drawn directly from the basic structure of the Bible.

And of course, it’s not that simple. There’s more, much more, because this story is just a little crazy. There are definitely Prodigal Son elements in the versions where the queen gives birth to a prince as well as a monster, but I’ll let you think about that on your own time, because I’m much more interested in the spell-breaking, and I’m on a tight schedule—this needs to be ready to post in just a couple hours, and I still need to track down some old research.

What I consider the really big revelation here happened a few weeks after that day in British Literature, though it was also related to the class. I was writing an in-depth analysis of Tennyson’s “The Journey of the Magi.” The Catholic sacrament of penance ended up being a major theme. And that got me thinking more about the specifics of the transformation, which had previously struck me as baffling, creepy, and just this side of suggestive.

(And look, I can make it sound all nice and symbolic here, but when you get to actually writing the scene, I just can’t get all the suggestiveness out. Fair warning. It’s in chapter two.)

So let’s review the transformation. Step one: some seriously excessive molting. (Snakes molt, right? Or is it shed?) Step two: whips soaked in lye. Step three: dunk in a tub of milk. Step four: the embrace. However you wanna interpret that.

Okay. Step one. We cast off the old self, the sins, whatever. It’s really hard and it kind of hurts. Step two is, like, well. The lye is purifying, right? That’s soap? The whips are a little…we can call that penance or something, okay? I promised Biblical connections, but not necessarily theological soundness.  Think like hair shirts and whatever. He’s paying for his sins and being made clean.

Not sure why it’s milk, exactly, but step three is obviously baptism. We’re gonna call step four acceptance into the body of Christ, and ignore any sexual undertones we might be picking up.

And then the fallen son is welcomed home with opens arms, easily and fully forgiven, and everyone lives happily ever after.

This leaves us with only two mysteries in this previously completely incomprehensible story. I already told you I’m not sure about the milk, although the google search “milk symbolism”—

Wait. I take that back. It may now be twenty-six minutes after this post was initially intended to go out, but I have an answer to the milk question. Apparently, in Corinthians and Hebrews, it’s symbolic of, like, basic doctrine. So you’ve got baptism and Bible 101. Milk actually has a lot of symbolism attached to it, including purity and, apparently, Nazism, although I vote we discard that one as irrelevant to our current line of inquiry.  Let’s call the milk problem solved.

Our last mystery: the flowers. We’ve got the scene in general down as representing the fall of man, but let’s get into the specifics. Eat this one if you want a girl, that one if you want a boy. So the mom eats the girl flower, and then she eats the boy flower. She winds up with a boy lindworm, and in some versions also a boy human.

Note the lack of girl here, despite the initial intake of the girl flower. I’m completely down with the lindworm as punishment for disobedient flower-consumption, but why is it a boy? Just further punishment? Logically, if she’s going to have two kids, the first born should be a human daughter, in line with the first flower, and the second should be a male lindworm due to the forbidden flower. If there’s only one kid, why is it a boy? Did the entire request for a girl get nullified by the second flower?

Why isn't the lindworm a girl? If the lindworm is a boy, why doesn’t he have a sister? Specifically, an older sister? I don’t have an answer. It’s been years and years of intermittent research, and I don’t have an answer.

SPECIAL BONUS PROMOTIONAL TACTIC THAT I JUST THOUGHT OF NOW AND MIGHT VERY WELL COME TO REGRET BUT I’M TOO EXCITED ABOUT THE POTENTIAL OUTCOME TO CARE: Comment with a good answer to the lindworm gender question and I’ll send you a free, hand-bound copy of my chapbook thin. No limits on how many people can win; you give me an answer I like, I give you a book. Limit one per player, although I’d love to hear as many theories as you can come up with. (P.S. Remember to sign up to read Lindworm on Patreon for $1/month, starting on October 1st!)

#writing #my writing #lindworm #prince lindworm #shameless self promotion #thin #folklore #fantasy #books #patreon #fairy tales #fairy tale analysis #Fairy tale retellings #contest #free book