#dont really know how to tag this but its just my struggles with religion

[goodfully]

ahh okay truthfully, as much as i like tumblr i still feel really awkward with it... goodness i feel like an old person that doesnt know how to use social media hfkehfm (like tagging? such an easy way to organize things! but i dont intend to "help ppl find your post" hahaha) but i like rambling to myself a little too much, into a void-like non-void?

anyway i just wanted to talk to myself again about upcoming reading plans hehe! i have about six weeks left before i leave my books and move out for grad school, and its going to be a really busy six weeks too. im really hoping i can finish reading hermann hesse, steppenwolf and elena ferrante, neapolitan novels!!! ahh but i read quite slow and its likelier that i wont be able to finish five books during this time, esp when my brains extra dead and messy while im packing or being with family members. i really hope so tho!!!

hhfh about steppenwolf... only read the authors note so far and ahhhh!!! hesse said that altho anyone can interpret what they read the way they want to, he hopes that his readers wouldnt misunderstand that this book is about man despairing, but rather that it is about man healing and believing. god god god i love hesse i actually havent read that many books by him yet, but im just so excited to finally read this one!!!

okies so i only just finished reading the brothers karamazov today (!!!) but ahh!!!!! seriously my favorite book ever. i wish i had actual words to say about it, now that ive actually finished reading it, but. ah.. words! i really love it a lot and theres just so many lines i wish to never forget. my goodness, the ivan monologues, zosima chapters, and ending speeches at the end of the trial...!!! theyll all forever be with me! ahh theres really too much to say, i think if i wanted to id need to pick one of the many many things from the book in order to talk about it more. i honestly want to bring this book along with me when i move but its so heavy hfjsjf and i have very limited space in the suitcase</3

i think reading about religion and god and everything in general does drive me a bit crazy. from what i know of dostoevsky (very little hahaha), he struggled with faith and believing in god before being a more devout christian. maybe thats why i liked tbk so much. i was just talking about it with my friend earlier! ive.. never been religious growing up but i still have that childish dream wishing that i was. my dads parents were christian and my moms family is daoist, but neither of my parents pushed anything on me, tbh they both didnt have really strong beliefs either. but still now i wish i just had full belief and trust in god, any god or deity.. just please let me believe in anything really. drives me insane. how can you have undeniable, unconditional divine love? i do wish i understood it so well that im able to love everything, but it frustrates me so much that no matter how much im trying to understand it, im not. and i think my interest in philosophy has more to do with figuring out what and how to believe than id like to admit.

i hope no one else sees/reads this but i also kinda hope someone does and gives me book recommendations... books that make me feel like i did during the zosima chapters hahaha

#reading #hermann hesse #steppenwolf #the brothers karamazov #fyodor dostoevsky #jeob “”

[the-francakes]

10 books to get to know me! 

thanks @schmem14 for the tag. Sorry it took awhile. boy idk if i have 10 books but lets give it a try. I'm haven't really been reading anything but popular fiction and it shows as I STRUGGLE to think up things to say.

Harry Potter... we all know so like why fake it

ACOTAR... It got me out of my reading slump of barely booking up a book in years. I'll always be a little grateful for that.

East of Eden by John Steinbeck. It was one of my fav books growing up and I don't even remember if I finished it? But it has my favorite quote of all time that continues to be relevant and my motto in life:

“And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual. This is what I am and what I am about.”

And another quote that I always think about:

“And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.”

4. Heartstopper. I just love Nick and Charlie so much.

5. High Fidelity by Nick Hornby. The movie was really one of my like high school anthems, but then i read the book and it felt just so me. now I look at how kinda toxic it all was and how I'm nowhere near the sort of person the MC is. but i still remember reciting the monologue in my speech class cause i thought i was sooooo cool.

6. Handmaids Tale by Margaret Atwood. BEFORE it was a TV show. We had to read this in high school and it's always been in the back of my mind every time the government pulls anti-abortion, anti-trans, anti-lgbtq, anti-sex ed laws. I read this thinking I refuse to live in this future and yet - fuck. its so close. Handmaids Tale isn't entertainment. its a goddamn warning and its fucking scary these days.

idk if i can keep going... ill add more later!

tagging but sorry if you already did this or dont want to im really behind... @riddikuluspuff @siriusly-sapphic @sugareey-makes-stuff @bronwenackeley @vitaminpops

[heartlites]

so. i havent really written here in a long time, i mostly share my mundane thoughts and daily happenings on my twitter anymore. lately though, i’ve had a lot on my mind in regards to a large number of things, one of which being my relationship with religion and my faith in general. i don’t really think i can talk about it on twitter simply because there is too much for me to say just for a tweet chain, and these feelings are kinda... i don’t know, more intimate? i’m a little more hesitant to share them with a larger audience anyway. 

and so, after many years of not really talking much here at all, i am going to dive into my relationship with religion and i will probably post here every so often about it as i try to connect with a goddess who reached out to me, isis.

i’ve spent my life in the bible belt of the us. i grew up in a very christian environment and i was involved in several different sects of christianity that are all kind of really fucked up. when i was a very young child, my mother and us were apart of a mormon church and though i cannot remember a lot, i do remember how utterly bizarre the “culture” was. even after my mother left the church, people from that mormon church would still come to our house and even followed us to our new address when we moved. it was very surreal. 

my oma is catholic, too, and took me to plenty of services when i was young. i didn’t go a whole lot because i was rather restless as a kid and i could not stand how long their services were. the decorum of the catholic church and the sense of catholic guilt has followed me in life. 

primarily, though, i grew up a baptist, and that is... its own can of worms. it was not a good experience. i have described my relationship with god and christianity in the past to a friend as “god haunts me” and that remains to be true. i feel it most when i see small, old abandoned churches in the countryside. little tiny, one room building. plain white walls with crosses. its not a comforting feeling or sight. it really does feel like being haunted. it make me feel afraid. so much of christianity’s teachings, especially those of the baptist faith, are rooted in the principal of fear. when i think of god and christanity i feel nothing but fear, fear of judgement, and just.. i dont know. theres a lot. 

but at the same time, this is made ever more complex because i truly do feel i had very religious feelings and experiences where it was... it was a deep moment? im not sure how to explain it. it mostly happened during worship through gospel / song when i’d sing and i’d feel so... im not even sure how to describe it. but i could feel goosebumps rise on my skin, i would feel light, like my soul was touched. in rare moments, i did feel “closer to god.” acknowledging those feelings, in my mind, means i would have to acknowledge that god as he is, is real, but if i acknowledge that then that means... there can be no other gods, as christianity teaches. 

some distinct memories i have with my experience in the baptist church i went to as a child is, once, when i was very young, i remember hearing the verse that “for god is a jealous god” in relation to the worship of idols / other gods and why we should not do so and you must worship him and him above all others during one sunday school session. when i was young, that struck me as something so very... off. jealousy is a flaw, as i understood it when i was young, but god is supposed to be perfect, and therefore... if he is jealous, then he cant be perfect. i dont remember all of what was exactly said but i do remember not being satisfied with the answer i was given in sunday school.

the last sunday school i ever attended and what drove me away in the end was when i was a teenager, and the lesson somehow pivoted to how people who worshipped different faiths (i.e. the islamic faith, the jewish, buddhists, etc) were wrong and needed to be shown the right path. that did not sit well with me at all and i vocally argued that. more or less, i spoke of tolerance and acceptance of other religions. this went against a core ideology of the baptist sect of christianity, which is conversion more or less. baptists believe very strongly in preaching the word of god to others, to the point of being intolerant of other religions. the topic of lgbt people came up too and how they were not “right” either but we could/should still tolerate them despite their sins. after that sunday school class, i received a book from the church tilted “god in other religions” and i was so pissed off and offended that i threw it away and never went back. 

and now, here i am, in my mid 20′s, and i am trying to understand and explore my relationship with religion. despite my vague interest in paganism, i haven’t truly really tried to explore it. i was afraid, to be honest. i was afraid of being one of those “sinful” people who ‘worshipped false gods’ or whatever. there was too much drilled into the back of my mind, and i still could not quite shake those feelings i had where i did feel ‘connected’ to god. now though, i am starting to feel, i guess, a stronger pull. 

in about october of last year, 2020, there was a strange little happenstance that occurred with me where, while i was away and caring for my grandpa after his surgery, i had gone into his kitchen on a whim. i was eating something and aimlessly looking out his back window when i looked down and in his sink, there was a bird. a wren, to be specific. it was uninjured and i have no idea how it got there, the door and windows had been closed, but i picked it up in a paper towel and set it outside. later that day, it was gone. 

it was so bizarre that... i felt like it had to be a sign of something, from someone. two of my friends, nat and magda, asked their pendulums each and were able to tell me it was isis who was reaching out to me. since then, that has been in the back of my mind but i have yet to truly act on it. ive been... kind of afraid to, i suppose? i am just unsure. nat said something that profound stuck with me that relationships with gods in paganism was not just blind faith like with christianity, but a relationship where you work with them. that was hard to wrap my head around at the time. like! it makes sense. but my upbringing has made it hard for me to approach. 

i have just been thinking about this more and more lately. i want.. to try, but i dont really know where to begin. do i build a shrine? do i pray? is it too late for me to reach out to her? im not sure. im struggling with taking the first steps and it feels like trying to learn how to walk all over again. i dont have much more to expand on this other than that... i want to try and connect with isis. to really form that relationship, but now i am afraid i have waited too long and she might reject my faith or whatever. i dont know. i feel so alone and like a baby trying to navigate all this. 

#dont really know how to tag this but its just my struggles with religion #sharing a lot of my fears anxieties and concerns #dont know what to do in the end still.

[lap-of-the-gods]

30 question challenge!

Rules:

- Tag the person who tagged you

- Answer the questions tag 20 people

tagged by the gorgeous @rogersautomolove​, thank you my darling ❤️

How tall are you? 5′3 

What colour and style is your hair? Dark brown and wavy (literally cocker spaniel Deaky with a longer fringe)

What colour are your eyes? Brown

Do you wear glasses? Yep, ur girl is blind. if it’s more than 25cm away from my face it doesn’t exist

Do you wear braces? fun fact i have never worn braces, i have a little crooked tooth which i think is cute so i decided against them

What’s your fashion sense? its either really on trend fashion blogger or deranged 3 year old and there is no in between

Full name? Elizabeth (unspecified middle name which i hate more than life itself and surname which i’ve always been teased for)

Where were you born? about an hour’s drive from where i currently live

Where are you from and where do you live now? brighton (aka the lgbt capital of the uk, south east england), i now live about 35/40 minutes drive from there

What school do you go to? i’ve not gone to school for close to 3 years now

What kind of student are/were you? i was okay i guess, not a teachers pet but i never really caused any trouble

Do you like school? i love learning but always hated school. i’m dyslexic and they never really did anything to help me so i really struggled

Favourite school subjects? DRAMA i’ve since realised that my gcse and a level drama classes were the only place i’ve genuinely felt 100% happy and at peace w myself. i loved those lessons so much

Favourite tv shows? the good place, call the midwife, brooklyn 99, parks and recreation

Favourite movie? obviously bohemian rhapsody, the princess bride, the empire strikes back, captain america the first avenger, stardust

Favourite books? les miserables, jane eyre, birdbox (yes, that birdbox), i am malala, the song of achilles

Favourite pastime? reading, writing, procrastinating writing, supporting my siblings 100%, sleeping?

Do you have any regrets? doesn’t everyone?

Dream job? i’d love to be a stylist or a makeup artist or something like that

Would you ever like to be married? i’m definitely the type to either never get married or know someone for a week and be like YES and get married immediately

Would you like to have kids? i’ve not really thought about it. i guess if i meet someone who makes me want a family then who knows? but i hate hospitals and needles and thinking ab pushing a child out makes me feel funny so maybe not?

How many? like 1 i guess? but maybe i’ll just get a dog

Do you like shopping? you do not love clothes as much as i do and NOT enjoy shopping

What countries have you visited? France, Spain, Germany, Italy, Crete, Qatar, Egypt, Sri Lanka, America (do Ibiza and Mallorca count as separate from Spain? probably not)

Scariest nightmare? i had a nightmare about 4 years ago that i got possessed and i woke up completely unable to breathe, that was probably the most scared i’ve ever been by a dream. another one a few months ago was like a lucid dream within a not lucid dream? i realised i was dreaming so i tried to fly (and did for like 2 seconds) and then i woke up but i wasn’t awake? and there was this thing sitting in a chair in my room (i dont have a chair in my room) and it didn’t have eyes but it was watching me. and then i woke up for real.

Any enemies? not enemies per say but i will go out of my way to avoid all contact with anybody who says they need a gun in their lives. you dont, end of.

Do you have a significant other? lol no

Do you get along with your family? for the most part, as long as we don’t talk politics or religion or anything like that

Do you believe in miracles? not in the traditional sense. i agree that things happen that science cannot explain but i don’t agree that they’re a divine intervention

How are you? i am surviving i suppose

idk about 20 people but i’ll tag as many as i can think of? @spring-blisss @rogerina-owns-me @preciousbarakat @smells-like-ugh @killerqueen-gunpowdergelatine @frcddiesmercury @rogerfxckingtaylor @butqueenthough @thesevenseasofnublar @fortuneboldlyfavors @24karat-gold 

(you’ve all probably already done this but if you havent then feel free) x

#tag game #rogersautomolove #ab me #lol shut up elizabeth

[kkultokkie]

Get To Know Me Tag

tagged by @hopokie!! thank you! i love your fics ♡♡

Relationship status: single, as always (though my heart is currently taken by a girl i cant have)

Favourite colour: i like all colours tbh but on instinct id say purple just bc it used to be my fave. recently i really like bright yellow and pastel pink

Lipstick or chapstick: chapstick

Three favourite foods: i can never decide this xD maybe blueberries (and most fruits tbh), cheesecake, chinese dumplings (and nehari, haleem, stir fry, barfi, kimchi ramen, hot and sour soup...i like food okay XD)

Song stuck in my head: Another One Bites The Dust by Queen

Last song I listened to: well im listening to music rn and On Top of The World by Imagine Dragons is playing atm so that i guess

Last Movie I watched: Spud (the one with Troye Sivan)

Top 3 TV shows: this ones always hard. in fairness i dont watch tv much, but definitely Avatar: the Last Airbender (@hopokie, snap haha), Merlin maybe? Death Note? idrk

Books I’m currently reading: Struggling to Surrender - a book about an American convert to Islam. i was struggling a bit with my religion so, yeah. also a whole load of psych and neuroscience related books that i started and never finished ><

Last thing I googled: “scientists laughing in the background octopus” oKAY LEMME TELL U I STILL HAVENT STOPPED LAUGHING ABOUT THAT TINY LIL CUDDLE-FISH

How many blankets do you sleep in: while im at uni, 1 since thats all i have. at home, if its cold i have 2 but normally 1

Time: 20:39

Dream trip: i really just wanna travel the world T.T but id love to do a Europe road trip, and do the Lord of the Rings trek in New Zealand

Anything you want: better self control and discipline, motivation and drive, passion for something, to figure out what i want and sort out my life ;~;

i tag: @tankun, @bluehendesugakookies, @sweeettae, @m-iikan, @sugakookie, @getthatagustd, and anyone else who wants to do this! only if you want to ofc

(it said to tag 15 ppl but yeah nvm XD)

#tagged #feel like ive done this so many times before #but its always fun so

[cryptidofthekeys]

*s q u e a k s *

I arrive here because reposting the post thingy can get pretty long and hard to scroll through when there is several

But i couldn't just NOT reply to your heartwarming message LIKE-- holy shit i made an audible squeal what?? Man reading your replies and just the random stuff you type on your blog always makes me so giddy what the hell. But no like- I'm happy that you enjoyed my drawings! People usually have a set image of what their characters look like- and it can be hard to match that without seeing it in a picture- so its always a joy when that person likes the drawing :].

AND I WOULD GLADLY ACCEPT JEREMYS HELP IF HE WANTS TO GIVE IT. That dude is just-- *holds gently* jshfhfhf. Love em to bits.

Tags time Tags time but i can not put tags herrrreee:

Yeah genuinely, was being 100% honest with you there! I'm flattered that your flattered if that makes sence- that you got a little teary eyed(in the good way), like that warms my heart to know.

I was definitely taken aback that you've been through a similar scinario to mine in regards to having a filtered mind- and once again it's comforting to know this shfhhd. Although mine was based around Religion and some cult-like aspects-, the impact different things can have on how open someone is can surprisingly lead to similar results!

I'm overjoyed that you were able to get out of your filtered mindset, i cant imagine how refreshing it must be! :D. It fills me with inspiration and hope for a better future for myself ^^.

Honestly, like I write the best description I can of my OCs to the best of my ability, like imma be honest for example certain hairstyles can be so fuckin hard for me to describe, I usually have to search up a list and see what their called essentially, except for like, the quiffs n stuff obviously-

I always feel honored though when someone wants to draw my OCs, like im not a very particular person for details unless I specify some very intricate ones like for example, if I specify a scar on certain characters and what the scar is- then i get be a lil particular about it but just,, in general i dont really mind-

and oh Jeremy absolutely would! Jeremy loves puppets, loves puppet-making and to see someone with similar interests, he might have p bad anxieties n shit like that but by g o d s is he going to try and help out with the puppet making process, tbh he’d probs tune into that and forget even that he was talking to a person beforehand, just saying s o much about the process to the point where,, it might be overwhelming hjgkfjfdks

and yeye I get’cha, no worries and oh yeah I used to filter myself a lot, like the best example I can use for filtering myself would have to be wrestling, like I used to NEVER open up or talk too much bout it, guess I was afraid of being judged n shit like that but now? Imma be honest, even if someone does ever judge me, I legit?? dont? Care?? Like its MY blog and I get to decide the content i wanna post, not anyone else- and yeah, its a weird thing, that filtered mindset was- and sometimes i still get it even, like sometimes my brain will be mean about it like ‘dude, your going to be annoying, dont’

but its definitely not as bad as it used to be, while i still struggle and probs always will- im definitely getting better at just sayin fuck it and posting what i want whenever i want too, but yeah its refreshing once you break the chains just take it easy, step back if you get too overwhelmed but I believe in ya, one day that filtered mindset will eat shit on the pavement while your out here doin’ what you wanna do

#Chase Answers #a filtered mindset- its such a weird ass thing to me but i believe in ya #im confident you can break this nasty cycle- idk bout fully but it can always be different for everyone #but even then- just managing to push it away is a B I G step in of itself #even if its just a small push

[blackmagistertd]

Would You Rather - TWD Edition

tagged by @ocegion @hatterized @genevievedarcygranger ty and ily all !!

Daryl or Rick – i like daryl well enough but rick is absolute fucking fave. my sweet oblivious murder boy.

Maggie or Beth – beth has always resonated with me. i couldn’t tell you why bc i don’t know, but there’s something about beth that reminds me of me, a lot. also she had a stupid shitty fuckin death but w/e

Michonne or Andrea – from what i can tell comic!andrea was a badass, BUT michonne holds my literal heart ? my heart and a katana

Dwight or Negan – god negan is fuckin fave too. self-confident bridging on over-confident, and then a redemption arc where instead of just instantly becoming good he actively has to work on himself as a person and puts effort into being better ? like. i’ve got a weakness for chars like that gfdjkghfdjkh

Glenn or Abraham – we didn’t deserve glenn he was so good. his development was a fave bc it’s... like my own... lol do y’all see a pattern

Abraham or Eugene – i just. i cannot stand eugene. it’s like.... all the bad parts of myself... in a person. idk i just cannot stand him

Eugene or Gabriel – gabriel is one of those fascinating characters to me. just bc he’s still balancing religion during all this shit happening, despite everything. that and i will never forget his talk with spencer GJDGHDJFH

Team Negan or Team Rick – i’m probably more likely to die under rick, but rick is a better person and he’s kinder. so as much as i love negan i gotta go rick.

Carl or Enid – he’s literally almost exactly like me? like, fuck, carl is one of those characters i see myself in, especially now, and i just. have a lot of respect for carl. he’s been through a lot you know

Ezekiel or Shiva - i love ezekiel ok but. but tiger. like thats uhhhh basically my only reasoning....... animals aren’t inherently bad !! she is a Good Tiger

Rosita or Sasha – sasha has always, always been fave. she did her best with the bullshit in the world and FUCK her ending makes me sad ;_; also rosita tends to rub me the wrong way bc she was the type of girl i fought with in school jkdhdfkjh

Aaron or Eric - i don’t.....,,, know much about eric so its kinda. moot point

Shiva or Lucille - two for two on shiva. again - tiger. i love aminals ok, thats my intended major for college so

Daryl’s crossbow or Rick’s Python – guns tend to . freak me out. even the fake ones make me uncomfortable. and also crossbows are fucking cool ok no matter who they belong to

Jesus or Ezekiel – i love my gay son

Carol or Ezekiel – carol & her development is fascinating to me? not just her development in the good way but like, her development even in the bad ways. struggling against her own mind is something i can appreciate, and she shouldn’t be cast aside bc she’s weak/useless/whatever when shes n o t

Negan Or Daryl – LOL I DONT THINK I NEED TO EXPLAIN THIS ONE

Simon or Dwight – uhhh i gotta go dwight here? because simon, despite being the Tired Friend, is . an asshole. i call him negan 2.0 for a reason, he’s like a negan without feelings. and without monologues

Glenn or Maggie – they’re a package deal bro, you can’t separate them :\

Michonne or Rick – michonne is just. god i cannot articulate how much i love her but i DO and im sorry rick but your warrior girlfriend is just so much more badass

Rick or Carl – i cant help but feel i’m snubbing rick on these FDHGDHF but again, carl is a character i really understand. like in s4 after the prison exploded, mom called him “bratty”, and i just ?? no, he’s a teenager that’s been through A LOT OF SHIT ?? trust me if an adult can barely function in those circumstances, a teenager has no chance

Hilltop, Kingdom, Alexandria, or The Saviours – i like comfortable living OTL friendly suburban neighborhood is just the place i should be

Gregory or Spencer – at least spencer wasn’t a coward lol. also i hate xander so jot that down

Morgan or Ezekiel – ughghghh this was a hard choice but i like morgan more i think ? he’s just. a fave.

Governor or Negan –GOD i don’t even have to make a choice. tv or comics, negan is just a better man and a better antagonist. (and, you know, not a rapist? he’d kill the gov on the spot LOL)

Governor or Shane – this is .... basically for same reasons as negan...... better man, better antagonist, not a fucking rapist. also not into whatever weird dead-incest shit the gov was into

Shane or Negan – GOD THIS ISNT FAIR i hate this one. worst question. idk shane is MUCH MORE INTERESTING to me as a character. he was a mentally ill man put under great stressors and he reacted, and while i’m not trying to jusitfy any of his actions, it would have been interesting to see how he grew and evolved throughout the series. there could have been redemption for him, eventually, i think.

Governor or Merle – can i pick neither ? like uhhhh tv wise, i have to go governor.... tv governor wasn’t as bad..... u almost feel sorry for tv governor. almost. idk abt comic!merle though, so based on tv, merle was a HUGE PIECE OF SHIT and im kinda really glad hes gone

im tagging uhhh @you-answer-to-me and anyone else who ? wants to?

#ash speaks #text #i have a lot of feelings about shane's unexplored potential both as a hero and a villain #he was a man with a mental illness who reacted explosively and uncontrollably #and he was demonized for it #and he was killed before he went anywhere other than 'power-hungry monster' #and im. not ehre for that shit lol #shane and negan are both chars who are stripped to a few basic traits and OBVIOUSLY theres nothing else to them :^) #anyway im salty abt how they treated shane moving on #ty for the tags yall!!! #<333 ily!!! #personal #tag meme

[perfectionistincrisis]

Longest post ever. Keep Scrolling! Look away!

About my brother leaving. Now there are two sides to it. One is how he is so young & he will move so far away & has to take care of everything. He has to study first of all, which is the main thing. And this in itself is a whole new experience. Starting university & facing all the pressure & tight schedule & deadlines that come with it. And to top that all, he will move to a new country. An entirely new place he has never been to & one which is very very very different from the country where he was born & raised & literally spent entire 18 years of his life in. Now whether this is the lifestyle & culture & religion we are talking about, or just the weather. You name it, & it's something different he has to face. Let's go back to studies. The ‘studies’ part, is totally acceptable! I mean it's his responsibility. No one will or is expected to do it or help him with it. This is totally on him. He has to figure it out himself. If he needs help, he needs to look for it. If he has a problem he needs to find a way out, or deal with it. The idea of having an elder sibling or family to help you with your studies, i believe, is totally absurd when someone is moving to university. At school, it might be ok but when someone is starting uni, cmon, I think it's time to stop already. Let them grow up on their own. You can't be wiping their ass for them their entire life. Not to mention, everyone has their own share of responsibilities, their own affairs to handle. Everyone of us are struggling everyday, to build our futures. And NO. This is not selfish. This is our responsibility towards ourselves. We owe this to ourselves, and no, you are not in any way, supposed to expect anyone to actually help you deal with your responsibilities in life. So with you share of duties, is it really selfish to focus on your affairs & prioritize them? & also what good will you be really doing by helping someone? How much of someone else's responsibilities can you own? There will come a point where you’ll have to leave them on their own except that now you've already spoiled them and they'll be more lost than ever. So yeah, plus i'm not even studying engineering so anyways i couldn't do much or anything at all but even if i could have, i really never liked the whole concept of doing it in ‘uni’. I have such a strong opinion about it seeing my cousins and other people. Meaning, it's not just me randomly thinking about it and commenting but i rather did always have such an opinion about this matter. So yeah that's the only ‘okay’ thing! From now, things are changing. Now, let's talk about the end of everyday! When he comes ‘home’/ dorm room. He doesn't come home to anyone. Whether it is your siblings being lame and stupid, or your parents being in a fight, or some really good day where everyone's happy and laughing - you're not getting any of it. Is anyone bringing you food? Cooking for you exactly what you eat? No. When are you going to bed? No one cares other than you. Who’s making sure you wake up and don't miss class in the morning? Who’s making you breakfast? Filling your water flask? You buy your food if you have time before class. Such a good day, just 3 classes and you're home by 11. Who do you go home to? Yourself. Weekends? .. Nvm But we are only trying to provide the best future for him. And i can NOT disagree to this at all. Not even for a second. Since almost a year, my dad & my mom has thought of everything & every tiny thing that we will need for him. Whether it is the fact that winter clothes are sold in shops during winter and winter in ksa was 6 months ago, so keeping that in mind and shopping for him things which is just too hard to get in the shops right now cause it's totally summer rn over here! Or whether it is something more serious like meeting all the different formalities to apply for a visa. And shopping for him all these months. Making lists of everything he might need. Things like plate, glass, things like rugs, things like brush, toothpaste, things like pillows, bed sheet, things like laundry basket, warm gloves, things like rain coat. Like you name it, and it somehow is something he actually needs. Also, we are so concerned about providing him the best. I think all my life, a part of shopping included looking at the price tag and seeing if its a good bargain. But now, suddenly thats not done anymore. Anything he touches (which is very little btw) & anything we choose for him (which is like every single thing we see), its just getting the best for him. Its like theres this thing in our heads. Like this is it. My brother hardly gets anything for himself. He is kind of different. So we are just getting him all these stuff because once he goes there, he might not get it for himself. And even if he does, us getting something for him now will be the last time we are doing so. Cause from now on he'll do his stuff himself. So like i was saying. We are only trying to provide the best future for him. And i can NOT disagree to this at all. Not even for a second. And this is a stage that comes in everyone's life & we can not and should not run from it. This is the right thing to do in my brother’s case. Everything till now has gone so smoothly Alhamdulillah. But it still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Especially when i think of my mom. I get the whole idea of how it's the hardest on the moms. In fact i have even witnessed many moms crying & breaking when their kids had to leave and all. But. This is different. I am talking about ‘my mom’. I respect all mother’s love, i do. But about my mom; unless you live under the same roof as her, you will find it impossible to believe how much of her heart & soul & energy she invests on our family. For which, I will be forever grateful & will consider myself blessed. I will never be able to start and finish talking about her but let me mention some interesting stuff! Let's start with me! So im 21. And i don't do my laundry (none of it at all), i don't vacuum (the house or even just my room), I don't iron my clothes (never did), I don't clean the dishes (not even my own plate or glass or water flask), I don't clean my room (the furnitures & stuff) & interestingly, i don't even know how to make tea or coffee (unless it's those sachets you get, but i just use them at uni). TADA - Mom does all of that for me. I don't remember the last time i did ‘any’ of the things i mentioned. I can't say i never did any of them though, but it was only for one of the 2 reasons: 1. I was younger and mom got angry with me maybe & she’d punish me by making me do it OR 2. I voluntarily offered maybe cause it was vacation and i wasn't lazy & stuff (btw this vacation, i'm totally lazy, i never offered or did anything) So like i said, i don't remember the last time i did any of it. Infact, to TOP ALL THAT, mom makes sure of all my ‘excess’ needs too. She pays so much importance to them. Like, my diet. Diet - meaning the food i eat. Now regardless of whether im trying to lose weight or not, i totally dont like asian food, more specifically, all the daily food cooked in a bengali household. I dont like ‘curries’. I prefer ‘dry’ food. It doesnt matter what it is. Chicken, beef or veggie. If its a ‘curry’, im not putting it in my mouth. Curry meaning the whole making it liquidy with all masala & stuff. And i ‘especially’ hate chicken curry. I also dont honestly remember the last time i ate it. And i am NOT exaggerating but i stopped eating it like way back in grade 11 or 12. By chicken curry, i mean the MOST REGULAR meal in almost every bengali household, more like an EVERYDAY meal especially for the kids. And it works for my bros too lol. But no way on hell im eating it. The reason is, this is one food ive been eating since i learned to ear and then after around a pretty 13 to 14 years of eating chicken curry i had to say NO one fine day xD xD Ok now i have 2 phases: one is the normal daily phase where unis going on and i'm stressed and all i eat is junk food, or maybe something not junk but has to be all delicious or maybe sometimes i'll consider eating healthy and want some classy salad and stuff. Mom always has to prepare a different meal or me. Then she has to prepare something else for her and dad too cause chicken is kids stuff and also mom does not eat chicken at all if she is the one who cooked it so yeah. And then there's chicken for my bros xD On top of that, when im in the other phase where im trying to lose weight - Oh god. The whole menu of food changes. All green veggies and salads and stuff. All grilled chicken, grilled fish, grilled beef. She does all of that. Also. she THEN ‘decorates’ my food cause she knows i love taking pictures of my food. She decorates my food. She makes sure I like the plate on which she is serving the food; whether the plate will look good in the picture. She makes sure I get to take a perfect picture. If she gets confused about how to decorate something, she'll tell me to do it and ask me what i need. I mean man, who does that to a 21 year old???? I know i am spoiled! Now ^ i got carried away! All that is a small gesture of what my mom does for ‘me’. And i'm like her eldest kid. Like she actually thinks i can take care of myself ‘more than my brothers can’ Yeah do you see where i'm going with this? You can not imagine HOW much more she does for my bros, like ‘woahhhh’👌 I’ll just give one example for each bro. My elder bro - he never actually had to open his closet and decide on which dress to wear till now in his life!!!!! Yesss!!!!! Mom even takes out his clothes. Clothes. Every garment :):):) and keeps it ready for him to wear every time he showers, or changes, or goes outside :) and that's the one who’s already 18 and moving soon! And my younger bro - well he is kinda different. Like he is all concerned about his looks and he demands on choosing his own clothes from his closet and wearing them xD xD but then mom still feeds him lunch and dinner most of the day and he is almost 14 :):):) So yes. Idk how my mom is going to handle it. But what i know is that she is such a brave and strong and intelligent and amazing woman mashAllah. She is so hard-working & she puts aside all her sickness and pain & prioritises our needs, and our wants, even if theyre really stupid. And she means the world to me. And she is my number 1 person. And I can give up anything for her. Words cannot express how much she means to me. I once had to stay a night away from her during the 1st week of my uni in 1st year of med school. That was the night I actually realized how important she was to me. I was away from her and due to some circumstance I couldn't communicate with her. That whole night, i lied in bed crying & asking Allah to let me meet my mom in my dreams as I fall asleep now… Idk if I ever told that to anyone before, but yeah here it is. Ahhhh. God!!!!! Such a huge post wth man )@+%;’!(%)#!%(£))@!%!%) but Ughhhh I just needed to get it all out of my system! Hmphhh